WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.439 --> 00:00:08.199 Deborah, with her thirty years of being an entrepreneur and creating over seven companies, 2 00:00:08.439 --> 00:00:12.119 knows exactly what it means to accept the mission. When you make that 3 00:00:12.199 --> 00:00:16.399 decision, when you accept the mission to become a solopreneur, to take yourself 4 00:00:16.440 --> 00:00:20.280 and your talents to market, then you embrace a life of not only unlimited 5 00:00:20.320 --> 00:00:25.320 possibilities, but also the unknown. It's an elixir of fear and bravery that 6 00:00:25.440 --> 00:00:30.519 only someone who's taken the leap really understands. On our show, deb digs 7 00:00:30.559 --> 00:00:34.479 deep with her guests to highlight what you the listener wants to know, the 8 00:00:34.560 --> 00:00:38.799 stories, the whys, and the hows to navigate the journey to success. 9 00:00:39.200 --> 00:00:43.320 Get ready to hear from some of the most incredible mission takers from Generation Z 10 00:00:43.640 --> 00:00:47.119 to boomers. So sit up, perk up, and get ready to be 11 00:00:47.200 --> 00:00:52.960 blown away. Now here is your host, Deborah Drummond. Welcome back. 12 00:00:53.119 --> 00:00:56.079 Thank you so much. You know, I think, and it's kind of 13 00:00:56.079 --> 00:00:59.520 easy to say it, because we've got an incredible woman that has an incredible 14 00:00:59.560 --> 00:01:03.120 show with listeners and viewers that love her as well. But I always tell 15 00:01:03.159 --> 00:01:08.040 you that you are the best podcast audience ever. I talk about you like 16 00:01:08.159 --> 00:01:11.840 we all know each other in one day. I hope that we do because 17 00:01:11.920 --> 00:01:15.719 the comments and the forwarding and the numbers of the shows have been incredible and 18 00:01:17.560 --> 00:01:19.280 where it's going all over the world. Yes, I'm a bit of an 19 00:01:19.319 --> 00:01:25.239 analytics puller and we have found out everywhere. And thank you Ireland. You 20 00:01:25.280 --> 00:01:30.000 guys are rocking the show right now, so do share. But thank you 21 00:01:30.079 --> 00:01:33.680 so much for joining us. And as you know, our show is called 22 00:01:33.719 --> 00:01:37.280 Mission Accepted. So if you are on a mission and you want to share, 23 00:01:37.599 --> 00:01:40.040 you know how to reach us. But you get to come and what 24 00:01:40.120 --> 00:01:45.079 I say, love with us, join the journey with us, because not 25 00:01:45.159 --> 00:01:49.239 only do our guests talk about what they do and why they do it, 26 00:01:49.319 --> 00:01:53.200 because it's a calling, it's a mission. It was put in front of 27 00:01:53.239 --> 00:01:55.799 them. They wanted to say no, but they said yes. They wanted 28 00:01:55.799 --> 00:01:59.439 to say yes, but it was hard, or someone talked them into it, 29 00:01:59.640 --> 00:02:02.280 or a book fell as they were walking somewhere and it was just too 30 00:02:02.400 --> 00:02:06.359 obvious that they needed to do this. Right. Some people take on the 31 00:02:06.400 --> 00:02:08.520 mission, and you know what, I think, taking on the mission is 32 00:02:08.560 --> 00:02:12.919 one thing and staying on the mission is the other. So you kind of 33 00:02:12.960 --> 00:02:15.240 listen to our stories. You laughed with us. You're like, I would 34 00:02:15.319 --> 00:02:16.520 never do that, or oh my gosh, I did that last week. 35 00:02:17.039 --> 00:02:22.840 And I'm very excited to have a really beautiful woman in I just love this 36 00:02:22.919 --> 00:02:25.319 world of collaboration and you get put with people and you have a conversation and 37 00:02:25.400 --> 00:02:29.360 you're like, let's start off sharing about what we do. And so she 38 00:02:29.560 --> 00:02:31.960 also has an incredible show that she will share with you. We will put 39 00:02:31.960 --> 00:02:38.360 in the show notes as well. So Stephanie McPhail is a toxic relationship recovery 40 00:02:38.479 --> 00:02:43.680 expert. What I love about your title, Stephanie is really clear. It's 41 00:02:43.719 --> 00:02:47.080 also really clear, but it's really empowering, right because instead of just like, 42 00:02:47.159 --> 00:02:51.199 oh, she's an expert in toxic relationships and those of us that have 43 00:02:51.280 --> 00:02:53.840 had some that get taken back and go mmmm, or are working through one 44 00:02:54.360 --> 00:02:58.360 in all relationship and it doesn't have to be necessarily an intimate relationship. I 45 00:02:58.400 --> 00:03:01.680 mean some of us have had toxic relationship with bosses or people that we worked 46 00:03:01.719 --> 00:03:05.680 with or people that we didn't want to work with. But you put the 47 00:03:05.680 --> 00:03:10.000 word recovery in there, and I think that's really important because recovery is part 48 00:03:10.080 --> 00:03:15.759 of that process and that there is recovery. There's not only kind of recovery, 49 00:03:15.800 --> 00:03:17.520 but there is full recovery, and you are an example of that. 50 00:03:17.560 --> 00:03:22.479 You're living an incredible life. You are working with your partner in this whole 51 00:03:22.520 --> 00:03:27.360 project. So welcome to Mission accepted, and I'm super forward looking forward to 52 00:03:27.439 --> 00:03:31.599 our audience hearing a little bit about how you ended up making kind of like 53 00:03:31.639 --> 00:03:35.159 you know, people talk about it right, like your mess your message, 54 00:03:35.280 --> 00:03:38.680 right like how did you go from a painful place to being able to help 55 00:03:38.719 --> 00:03:43.039 people pull out of their pain? Well, thank you so much, Jeb 56 00:03:43.120 --> 00:03:45.680 for that introduction. First of all, I mean, I love you were 57 00:03:45.879 --> 00:03:49.199 an amazing guest on my podcast, and I'm excited to be able to come 58 00:03:49.240 --> 00:03:53.000 here and share my mission with everybody that's listening. I was, like probably 59 00:03:53.039 --> 00:03:55.400 a lot of people that are listening, I was really good at choosing really 60 00:03:55.400 --> 00:03:59.960 crappy relationships and then trying everything in my power to try to make it work. 61 00:04:00.039 --> 00:04:02.639 I don't know if that resonates for anyone that's listening at all, but 62 00:04:02.879 --> 00:04:05.400 you know, I came from a family that there was a lot of arguing, 63 00:04:05.439 --> 00:04:09.680 but once you got married, you stayed married. And I was you 64 00:04:09.719 --> 00:04:12.800 know, a lot of us are very loyal. We try very hard to 65 00:04:12.800 --> 00:04:15.800 figure out what the problem is in the relationship, and then we try to 66 00:04:15.839 --> 00:04:18.759 research our way out of it to find a solution, which makes us really 67 00:04:18.800 --> 00:04:23.199 great at our jobs. But when it comes to letting go from these toxic 68 00:04:23.240 --> 00:04:28.079 types of people, not so easy anymore. My first long term relationship ended 69 00:04:28.120 --> 00:04:30.680 up with the police being called and holes in the wall and all sorts of 70 00:04:30.800 --> 00:04:34.519 terrible things going on. My second long term relationship was my first husband. 71 00:04:34.839 --> 00:04:40.600 That should have been a runaway because on our wedding night he actually strangled me 72 00:04:40.639 --> 00:04:45.040 till I thought I was going to die. And I stayed for five years 73 00:04:45.720 --> 00:04:49.120 because I was married, because I was embarrassed, because I was ashamed all 74 00:04:49.160 --> 00:04:53.439 of those things, and the abuse continued the entire five years. I would 75 00:04:53.439 --> 00:04:56.079 throw him out, I would let him back in, and we got into 76 00:04:56.120 --> 00:04:59.519 that toxic dance, that toxic cycle of going back and forth, and I 77 00:04:59.519 --> 00:05:01.600 would try to explain it to him in a way that he would finally understand 78 00:05:01.600 --> 00:05:05.399 and stop doing the things he was doing, until finally one day I was 79 00:05:05.399 --> 00:05:09.959 like, you know what, I can't do this anymore, and I took 80 00:05:10.000 --> 00:05:12.519 my stuff and went and stayed on a friend's couch for two months, and 81 00:05:12.560 --> 00:05:15.319 he'd threatened to kill my dogs, he'd threatened to burn my house down, 82 00:05:15.720 --> 00:05:17.240 and at that point I was like, you know what, all of those 83 00:05:17.240 --> 00:05:21.959 things would be terrible, but I cannot live this way anymore and I need 84 00:05:21.959 --> 00:05:25.959 to be able to get myself out. And so I stayed on a friend's 85 00:05:26.040 --> 00:05:30.439 couch, went through a divorce, and I thought things would get better automatically 86 00:05:30.439 --> 00:05:31.959 because I ended the relationship. And this is where I think a lot of 87 00:05:32.000 --> 00:05:36.639 us get stuck. I thought it would automatically be just freedom and it would 88 00:05:36.680 --> 00:05:42.079 be done. But instead I went through a terrible depression. Everything got worse 89 00:05:42.279 --> 00:05:44.480 for a little while. I call it the dark Knight of the soul. 90 00:05:45.319 --> 00:05:47.439 And then I came out the other side as and it was funny. The 91 00:05:47.480 --> 00:05:50.519 reason why I came out the other side is because I went in. I 92 00:05:50.560 --> 00:05:55.480 sprained my ankle at work, and who was called to the emergency room but 93 00:05:55.519 --> 00:06:00.759 my ex husband. So now there's my crazy ex husband in the egency room 94 00:06:00.800 --> 00:06:02.839 with a doctor, and the doctor because of it is like you have a 95 00:06:02.839 --> 00:06:06.319 severely sprained ankle, and I start laugh crying. They probably thought I had 96 00:06:06.360 --> 00:06:11.480 just like lost it, and I heard a voice that said, clear as 97 00:06:11.560 --> 00:06:14.600 day, you need to be your own night and shiny armor. You have 98 00:06:14.639 --> 00:06:16.839 to stop waiting for somebody else to come and save you, and you need 99 00:06:16.879 --> 00:06:20.959 to save yourself. And in that moment, I decided I was going to 100 00:06:21.000 --> 00:06:27.399 do everything in my power to make changes and never do this again. I 101 00:06:27.439 --> 00:06:30.319 created a team. I changed my life. I got really happy being single. 102 00:06:30.720 --> 00:06:34.560 Then I met an amazing man who's now almost nine years married to him, 103 00:06:34.800 --> 00:06:39.360 with two beautiful children. Completely different life. And yes, he helps 104 00:06:39.439 --> 00:06:43.319 me help women heal from toxic relationships. So we're on a mission together to 105 00:06:43.319 --> 00:06:47.360 help as many people as we can really step into their power. Well, 106 00:06:47.720 --> 00:06:53.279 congratulations, And I know just from being on the planet, but I also 107 00:06:53.439 --> 00:06:57.879 know from having a little being spent a little more time with you, is 108 00:06:57.920 --> 00:07:01.519 that you know when you tell a story of such there's these highlights and I 109 00:07:01.639 --> 00:07:05.360 and I really appreciate you sharing that you thought it was going to get better, 110 00:07:05.399 --> 00:07:08.959 because I think many of us, when we make a decision and we 111 00:07:09.040 --> 00:07:12.600 make a switch, there's this automatic I mean, there's a relief of one 112 00:07:12.680 --> 00:07:15.439 thing, but the reality is still there and there's things to change, right, 113 00:07:15.519 --> 00:07:21.160 And why we were attracted or why we accepted or what was it that 114 00:07:21.279 --> 00:07:24.839 was going on? And I know that you shared with me that you You 115 00:07:24.839 --> 00:07:27.920 know, it's interesting because people pick a ticket picture, right, Like they 116 00:07:27.959 --> 00:07:30.959 listen to your story and they right now have a picture of what that was 117 00:07:30.040 --> 00:07:33.759 like. But during that time, you were excelling in your career, right, 118 00:07:34.199 --> 00:07:41.120 people didn't know. People didn't know. When you finally broke silence, 119 00:07:41.519 --> 00:07:45.800 your girlfriends called you and like, what the you know, what the what 120 00:07:45.839 --> 00:07:48.560 the why did you not tell us? Let's talk a little bit about that, 121 00:07:48.639 --> 00:07:53.600 because the secrecies keep us sick, right, the secrecies keep us sick. 122 00:07:53.959 --> 00:07:57.480 Yeah, and so and you're one hundred percent right, is that I 123 00:07:57.600 --> 00:08:00.759 was getting Teacher of the month, I was being asked to go into the 124 00:08:00.800 --> 00:08:03.680 administrative roles. I mean, everything was going great in my career. I 125 00:08:03.720 --> 00:08:07.800 had great friendships all of that, and because I was the go to for 126 00:08:07.839 --> 00:08:11.319 everyone else, I had a mask, and so I would go out in 127 00:08:11.360 --> 00:08:15.439 public and pretend like everything was okay. And I think I did that really, 128 00:08:15.720 --> 00:08:18.959 you know, it's partially just to save my sanity. Like here I 129 00:08:18.959 --> 00:08:20.519 can be the real me. And he would tell he would actually tell me 130 00:08:20.560 --> 00:08:24.240 I was being not the real me. I'm like no, the not real 131 00:08:24.279 --> 00:08:28.600 me is with you. That's actually who's not being authentic. But you know, 132 00:08:28.920 --> 00:08:31.600 I was doing so well there, and then I would come home and 133 00:08:31.639 --> 00:08:33.960 I'd see his car in the driveway. I would literally go. I called 134 00:08:33.960 --> 00:08:35.600 it my crying place. And I live right by the beach. There was 135 00:08:35.639 --> 00:08:39.480 a parking lot I would go sit in and just cry and then come back 136 00:08:39.519 --> 00:08:45.159 and come home to you know, being not spoken to. I would be 137 00:08:45.240 --> 00:08:48.559 cursed at, I would be threatened. And I did that for years and 138 00:08:48.639 --> 00:08:50.279 years and years. And yeah, my friend, my good friend at the 139 00:08:50.320 --> 00:08:54.840 time, is a psychiatrist, and she's like, you, I could have 140 00:08:54.960 --> 00:08:58.559 helped you, like you didn't tell me, And I'm like, I know, 141 00:08:58.720 --> 00:09:01.679 but you had a life, you had a relationship that you were happy 142 00:09:01.679 --> 00:09:05.440 with. I didn't want to tell you. I didn't even know how to 143 00:09:05.519 --> 00:09:09.320 use the words to explain what I was going through. And I think, 144 00:09:09.360 --> 00:09:13.159 you know again, that shame, guilt, embarrassment was so much that it 145 00:09:13.240 --> 00:09:16.639 kept me stuck. And that's really what I want this platform to be is 146 00:09:16.679 --> 00:09:22.120 I want other people to see my face and see someone who was doing so 147 00:09:22.279 --> 00:09:26.720 well that it can literally happen to anyone. It's not it doesn't matter who 148 00:09:26.759 --> 00:09:30.000 you are, socioeconomic, none of those things really matter. It literally could 149 00:09:30.000 --> 00:09:33.639 happen to anybody. No, so true, right, And I think we 150 00:09:33.120 --> 00:09:35.879 know that until we see it. We know that until we hear it. 151 00:09:37.320 --> 00:09:41.320 We know that until we know that. So you said the word embarrassment a 152 00:09:41.320 --> 00:09:46.720 couple of times, and it's interesting when you're in a relationship like that and 153 00:09:48.240 --> 00:09:52.480 you feel like you're embarrassed. But sometimes I don't think people know embarrassed to 154 00:09:52.559 --> 00:09:56.840 what embarrassed to who? We don't have judgment on people that are going through 155 00:09:56.840 --> 00:10:00.320 hard times. We're going to put our arms out, we're going to open 156 00:10:00.360 --> 00:10:03.799 our doors, we're going to help people. So there's this embarrassment and shame. 157 00:10:03.159 --> 00:10:07.600 I think that's difficult for people to nail down because what are we ashamed 158 00:10:07.639 --> 00:10:13.360 of? Like how do how does that transfer? It's interesting, Well, 159 00:10:13.600 --> 00:10:18.799 I think for me, I was ashamed that I was not the person that 160 00:10:18.159 --> 00:10:22.720 people saw me as, or that I believed people saw me as. And 161 00:10:22.799 --> 00:10:24.720 I had a friend of mine at some point that I worked with at that 162 00:10:24.720 --> 00:10:28.799 point for like twelve thirteen years, and he's like he took me to the 163 00:10:28.799 --> 00:10:31.639 sidement time and he's like Stephanie You're the one I've looked up to, like, 164 00:10:31.679 --> 00:10:35.000 you can't you can't allow this to happen. I see that something isn't 165 00:10:35.039 --> 00:10:39.240 going right, just admit it and get out of there. You are the 166 00:10:39.279 --> 00:10:45.559 one that has, you know, all these great capabilities, and you're ignoring 167 00:10:45.639 --> 00:10:48.639 it. And so I think, and I was like, yeah, I 168 00:10:48.639 --> 00:10:50.039 guess you're right. But again, I think we're still stuck in that place 169 00:10:50.039 --> 00:10:52.919 that was so wait, I'm letting somebody else down. I can't let anybody 170 00:10:52.919 --> 00:10:56.279 else. And we're people pleased. There's a lot of us, so we 171 00:10:56.360 --> 00:11:01.320 have extreme loyalty and we're people pleasers. So like I had this whole imagined 172 00:11:01.399 --> 00:11:05.279 world of like, I've got to make all these other people happy, whether 173 00:11:05.399 --> 00:11:07.679 or not they even knew what was going on, and realistically, they would 174 00:11:07.679 --> 00:11:11.840 want me to be happy too. I mean, let's be realistic. But 175 00:11:11.120 --> 00:11:13.960 I didn't want to let those people down. They saw me as this high 176 00:11:15.039 --> 00:11:18.840 level person who was doing so well. I didn't want them to know how 177 00:11:18.840 --> 00:11:22.320 badly things were actually going. So it was more for myself really than anybody 178 00:11:22.320 --> 00:11:26.320 else. And I think there's different kinds of shame, and I think there's 179 00:11:26.320 --> 00:11:28.840 different kinds of embarrassment and then there's people that don't get out of situations like 180 00:11:28.840 --> 00:11:33.519 that because of what the family would say or do, or or it's been 181 00:11:33.600 --> 00:11:37.279 generational or there's the and you know, people kind of go, oh, 182 00:11:37.320 --> 00:11:39.360 yeah, they can change or they can change, But really there's a true 183 00:11:39.399 --> 00:11:45.519 belief that if you talk enough, if you show enough, if you somehow 184 00:11:45.600 --> 00:11:48.799 turn yourself into a pretzel enough, or explain it in a different way, 185 00:11:48.159 --> 00:11:54.399 that they'll see what their behavior, whether it's verbal or physical or emotional, 186 00:11:54.799 --> 00:11:58.840 is having an impact on you. I think that there's this power that we 187 00:11:58.919 --> 00:12:03.120 think that we have, true or not true, because you know, people 188 00:12:03.200 --> 00:12:07.240 are powerful, we can make great changes. And I think that there's a 189 00:12:07.360 --> 00:12:11.120 disbeliever or disconnect in terms of I know people can change, and they can 190 00:12:11.240 --> 00:12:16.279 too, but at what point and at what cost? Well? And do 191 00:12:16.320 --> 00:12:18.480 they want to change? Yeah? That's the hardest thing, right, is 192 00:12:18.519 --> 00:12:22.919 that we can see the possibilities in them, but if they don't see it 193 00:12:22.960 --> 00:12:26.000 or they don't care, they're not going to make any changes. I think. 194 00:12:26.120 --> 00:12:28.919 So for me to add to that other question you were asking before, 195 00:12:28.240 --> 00:12:33.559 religious upbringing was part of it also. I mean I was brought up going 196 00:12:33.559 --> 00:12:37.240 to church every single Sunday. My parents stayed together and shouldn't have to be 197 00:12:37.519 --> 00:12:41.360 quite honest, and so that's what I saw growing up, was this unhealthy 198 00:12:41.440 --> 00:12:46.039 dynamic of people that didn't get along, but we're staying together for the children. 199 00:12:46.759 --> 00:12:50.039 And you know, that's what I learned. Love was so to me, 200 00:12:50.120 --> 00:12:52.240 and so my book Being Loved, Should and Hurt was like the epiphany 201 00:12:52.360 --> 00:12:56.399 of oh, my gosh, love is supposed to be calm. It's supposed 202 00:12:56.399 --> 00:12:58.960 to be easy going, it's supposed to be simple. You're supposed to feel 203 00:13:00.120 --> 00:13:05.879 safe. None of those words I associated with love before I did my own 204 00:13:05.879 --> 00:13:11.440 inner work when I had my AHA moment of what love actually was and finally 205 00:13:11.519 --> 00:13:13.480 felt internally that it was calm, it was peaceful, it was easy, 206 00:13:13.519 --> 00:13:16.600 it was lowered stress, it was best friend, I mean, all those 207 00:13:16.639 --> 00:13:22.679 wonderful things you could think of. I didn't associate love with those words before. 208 00:13:22.200 --> 00:13:26.240 So it makes complete sense that for a lot of us, if love 209 00:13:26.320 --> 00:13:31.320 to us is stressful and causes anxiety, we find that and we're like stamp 210 00:13:31.360 --> 00:13:35.559 of approval, that's love, and then we try to make that work, 211 00:13:35.200 --> 00:13:39.720 even though either afterwards you're like, why would I want that? Why would 212 00:13:39.759 --> 00:13:43.279 anyone want that kind of stressful life, you know, and partner, why 213 00:13:43.320 --> 00:13:46.559 do we choose that? But if it's literally all that we know, then 214 00:13:46.639 --> 00:13:50.440 that's what we search out right. I'm so glad I was going to ask 215 00:13:50.480 --> 00:13:54.320 you that question. I was like, when you say associated to love, 216 00:13:54.399 --> 00:13:58.960 associated to love, associated to love, because many people like yourself had safety 217 00:14:00.440 --> 00:14:05.120 over here in this relationship. They had affirmation in this relationship, They had 218 00:14:05.440 --> 00:14:11.720 a collegial respect in this like they have the things in other areas which kind 219 00:14:11.720 --> 00:14:15.200 of compensate because if they didn't have that, this would gleam. I mean, 220 00:14:15.360 --> 00:14:18.080 your life would be so much more painful. But we search it out 221 00:14:18.120 --> 00:14:22.159 there and then, but we don't associate it to love. So I like, 222 00:14:22.799 --> 00:14:24.600 how when you said then you had to do your own work, what 223 00:14:24.639 --> 00:14:28.159 does that look like a little bit? I mean people come to you and 224 00:14:28.200 --> 00:14:30.600 your husband, you have classes, you have programs, you have all sorts 225 00:14:30.639 --> 00:14:31.720 of things, and I know you're going to share more a little bit about 226 00:14:31.759 --> 00:14:35.799 that. But when people have that moment like how do how does one start 227 00:14:35.840 --> 00:14:41.639 associating love to those things that you just talked about safety being one of them. 228 00:14:41.679 --> 00:14:45.080 I think that's a big one. Yeah, Well, and that's that's 229 00:14:45.080 --> 00:14:46.679 such a beautiful part of the process. I mean, if you have to 230 00:14:46.720 --> 00:14:52.279 compartmentalize your life, this is where I'm doing well, this is where I'm 231 00:14:52.360 --> 00:14:54.120 sad, this is the you know, I have to, like you said, 232 00:14:54.120 --> 00:14:58.159 twist us at out like a pretzel to be around this person. I 233 00:14:58.200 --> 00:15:01.120 think, you know, one of the hardest things that I find is that 234 00:15:01.559 --> 00:15:03.519 when clients come to us and I have a client right now that I'm thinking 235 00:15:03.600 --> 00:15:07.000 of, and she's like ending a relationship with one person, but she's already 236 00:15:07.000 --> 00:15:11.039 got another one lined up, and I'm like, oh my gosh, don't 237 00:15:11.039 --> 00:15:13.919 do that. That's what got you here to begin with. And so there's 238 00:15:13.080 --> 00:15:16.879 the reason why I went through my dark night of the soul is because I, 239 00:15:16.960 --> 00:15:22.879 for the first time really was had to sit with my own feelings. 240 00:15:22.960 --> 00:15:26.120 I had to sit with myself. And when we are the helpers and the 241 00:15:26.120 --> 00:15:31.639 fixers, we can focus so much on other people's problems that we compartmentalize and 242 00:15:31.639 --> 00:15:35.960 put ours to the side. So part of healing is starting to say, 243 00:15:37.120 --> 00:15:39.679 hey, if I want to help people, you can get paid for it, 244 00:15:39.840 --> 00:15:43.639 you can volunteer for it, but you don't put that in your relationship. 245 00:15:43.720 --> 00:15:46.240 That's something that I talk about a lot. So your home should be 246 00:15:46.279 --> 00:15:52.399 your safety place, and you start creating that life for yourself so that you 247 00:15:52.440 --> 00:15:56.120 know, I called the healing bubble. So in your bubble, you want 248 00:15:56.120 --> 00:15:58.440 to have the commness and the easy and all that. So you're creating your 249 00:15:58.440 --> 00:16:02.440 life. You're going out and you're finding yourself. You're doing the things that 250 00:16:02.480 --> 00:16:06.720 you enjoy. You're adding to your friend group, you're adding to your social 251 00:16:06.759 --> 00:16:07.919 group. And that doesn't just mean like the people you hang out with. 252 00:16:07.960 --> 00:16:10.879 It could be people you go to the gym with, people that you go 253 00:16:10.960 --> 00:16:15.320 on traveling trips with, whatever, But you're extending that so that your little 254 00:16:15.399 --> 00:16:19.399 bubble is this peaceful, calm place. And so when someone who isn't healthy 255 00:16:19.559 --> 00:16:25.519 comes in and starts trying to take advantage or take over, or you know, 256 00:16:26.039 --> 00:16:29.399 you feel like they're trying to push you around or manipulate you or whatever, 257 00:16:29.799 --> 00:16:33.200 you will see it more easily. But that's why that time in between 258 00:16:33.240 --> 00:16:40.360 relationships is so important, because you need that time alone to feel your feelings. 259 00:16:40.639 --> 00:16:44.399 You need that time to create that healthy bubble and to get used to 260 00:16:44.440 --> 00:16:47.639 what that feels like, because at first it feels really weird. You're like, 261 00:16:47.679 --> 00:16:51.360 I can have boundaries. I can create con for myself, I can 262 00:16:51.399 --> 00:16:53.799 say no to things. All those things take practice. But as you start 263 00:16:53.840 --> 00:16:56.039 practicing, I apply and some of all of a sudden, i' like, 264 00:16:56.399 --> 00:17:00.440 oh my gosh, I just knew that that person wasn't a good pers for 265 00:17:00.519 --> 00:17:03.920 me because I felt the need to help them. And when I felt the 266 00:17:04.000 --> 00:17:07.319 need to help them, I knew that that meant I needed to not date 267 00:17:07.359 --> 00:17:10.319 them again. They can be volunteer, they can be for business or work, 268 00:17:10.559 --> 00:17:12.039 but it's not someone I'm going to be a relationship with. So they 269 00:17:12.119 --> 00:17:15.359 start seeing the red flags for what they are, but you can't see that 270 00:17:15.920 --> 00:17:19.799 until you do the other work first. Yeah, well said, Well said, 271 00:17:19.799 --> 00:17:25.640 it's really getting to know yourself. And let's tell for me, there's 272 00:17:25.640 --> 00:17:30.039 this question that's ringing. So people hit that places at different times. Sometimes 273 00:17:30.039 --> 00:17:34.119 it's an intimate experience, which is what you're sharing. Sometimes someone has had 274 00:17:34.160 --> 00:17:38.400 like you know, are there a narcissistic boss or someone in the office that's 275 00:17:38.400 --> 00:17:42.440 not been kind or even a family member, right, and there's this I 276 00:17:42.519 --> 00:17:48.119 should voice going on or I can't leave, And then the list of things 277 00:17:48.160 --> 00:17:51.400 that go So when people first start taking that break away and they start to 278 00:17:51.400 --> 00:17:56.359 find their safe place, right what where can people like you know, they're 279 00:17:56.400 --> 00:18:00.079 looking for resources, and I think that there's many You can see that there's 280 00:18:00.119 --> 00:18:06.279 a plethora of resources, but many times it's the phone call or the like 281 00:18:06.359 --> 00:18:10.960 getting over the shame and embarrassment to make that call, the process of getting 282 00:18:11.000 --> 00:18:15.440 yourself into a place where you are starting to revillage your life. Can you 283 00:18:15.480 --> 00:18:18.240 talk a little bit about that, Like you just talked about one thing, 284 00:18:18.359 --> 00:18:22.640 not dating, but you know, there's what are people are they journaling? 285 00:18:22.880 --> 00:18:26.720 Are they going to counseling? Like what are some of the things that people 286 00:18:26.759 --> 00:18:30.519 can do to start getting themselves on the right path, Because like for you, 287 00:18:30.640 --> 00:18:32.640 it was a moment you're at the hospital, You're like, oh my 288 00:18:32.680 --> 00:18:37.880 gosh, I gotta do Like where did you go? So okay, So 289 00:18:37.960 --> 00:18:41.039 for me back in the day when I was going through my talxic relationsis there 290 00:18:41.079 --> 00:18:44.839 were no coaches like me. Yeah, there was a there was therapists and 291 00:18:44.960 --> 00:18:48.359 I actually I remember for me when I was going through it, I was 292 00:18:48.400 --> 00:18:52.359 like the therapist was helpful and the only thing I knew was that I wanted 293 00:18:52.400 --> 00:18:56.240 to help people, but I didn't know what that was. And so that 294 00:18:56.359 --> 00:19:00.839 was the closest. It was just someone to hold me accountable, and that 295 00:19:00.720 --> 00:19:07.400 was I was able to start there. I needed a grounding rock of someone 296 00:19:07.440 --> 00:19:11.440 who knew more than me, and that was really important because as professional women 297 00:19:12.359 --> 00:19:18.920 who have been through trauma, we are hyper independence. Hyper independence is a 298 00:19:18.960 --> 00:19:22.559 trauma response, and so it's such a hard thing to say, I can't 299 00:19:22.559 --> 00:19:26.079 do this by myself. But anyone who right now might be struggling themselves, 300 00:19:26.680 --> 00:19:32.799 ask yourself if you would ask someone who's never done brain surgery to do brain 301 00:19:32.839 --> 00:19:37.000 surgery. The answer is obviously no, we would never do that. But 302 00:19:37.160 --> 00:19:41.000 here we are a lot of us have never gotten the tools to create healthy 303 00:19:41.039 --> 00:19:44.279 relationships. We don't know what we need to do to make that. We 304 00:19:44.359 --> 00:19:45.400 have that idea, but we don't know what to do to get there. 305 00:19:45.880 --> 00:19:48.839 And then we're mad at ourselves because we can't get there, or we keep 306 00:19:48.920 --> 00:19:52.000 making the same mistakes, but we don't reach out for help, and we 307 00:19:52.039 --> 00:19:56.039 don't accept help when it comes to us because of that hyper independence. So 308 00:19:56.039 --> 00:19:57.519 we're like, no, no, no, I don't need anything. I 309 00:19:57.519 --> 00:20:02.160 can handle this by myself. Well, literally be on fire and drowning at 310 00:20:02.160 --> 00:20:03.599 the same time and still say I got it. I got a dory. 311 00:20:03.680 --> 00:20:07.160 I'm okay, but we need to be able to accept that. Number One, 312 00:20:07.519 --> 00:20:11.559 people that love us want to give back to us. They're excited to 313 00:20:11.559 --> 00:20:15.920 give back, except of the help. But number two, the thinking that 314 00:20:17.000 --> 00:20:19.799 got us to this place is not going to be the thinking that gets us 315 00:20:19.839 --> 00:20:25.599 out. So I needed someone outside of my brain because everyone that comes to 316 00:20:25.680 --> 00:20:26.680 me is like, well I know better, I just don't do better. 317 00:20:26.960 --> 00:20:30.160 Yes, just like everybody else. We all if we would give advice to 318 00:20:30.200 --> 00:20:33.359 somebody else and say don't do that, but we're doing it to ourselves. 319 00:20:33.559 --> 00:20:37.279 We need someone else to point out where we're making those mistakes and say, 320 00:20:37.279 --> 00:20:40.640 hey, you notice what you did there, Let's do this instead. How 321 00:20:40.640 --> 00:20:44.200 about we try something else? You know, because again, when we are 322 00:20:44.240 --> 00:20:48.440 in it, in that real time, we are making those decisions based on 323 00:20:48.599 --> 00:20:52.640 feelings, and some of those feelings have guided us in the wrong direction because 324 00:20:52.640 --> 00:20:56.960 we are a pain avoids. And when we have something that it's like having 325 00:20:57.599 --> 00:21:00.559 a coach, you know, when you're at gym and they're like ten more 326 00:21:00.599 --> 00:21:03.720 reps and you're like, oh god, I want to punch you, like 327 00:21:03.759 --> 00:21:06.559 I can't do ten more, and there you go. You did twelve because 328 00:21:06.559 --> 00:21:08.440 you pushed yourself, you know, having someone else to say, Hey, 329 00:21:08.480 --> 00:21:11.519 you're going to go out on Friday night and you're going to go to a 330 00:21:11.559 --> 00:21:15.240 bar and have a drink by yourself, or you're going to go you know, 331 00:21:15.359 --> 00:21:19.119 try this, or you're gonna journal this this specific question, or you 332 00:21:19.119 --> 00:21:22.400 know, any of those things that just kind of guide you in real time 333 00:21:22.960 --> 00:21:30.599 so that you can start and making those little small changes and one degree will 334 00:21:30.640 --> 00:21:33.599 bring you in a completely different direction. But you've got to get sat outside 335 00:21:33.599 --> 00:21:37.319 of your own thinking and have somebody else who knows who's been there, done 336 00:21:37.359 --> 00:21:40.880 that is where you want to be, to help you move to a different 337 00:21:40.920 --> 00:21:44.400 direction. Thank you so much. That's kind of what I was because many 338 00:21:44.480 --> 00:21:48.240 of us go to like you know, you're going to any kind of resource 339 00:21:48.279 --> 00:21:49.559 and it's like, if it's journaling, but what are you journaling about? 340 00:21:49.920 --> 00:21:55.640 And I really loved and highlighted that the same voice that's trying to get us 341 00:21:55.680 --> 00:22:00.440 healthy, healthy, and it's so true, right and you try, but 342 00:22:00.519 --> 00:22:04.319 it's the same voice, and it's easy to default because some of the times 343 00:22:04.319 --> 00:22:08.119 I truly believe in my experience in my life so far, even just coaching 344 00:22:08.119 --> 00:22:12.640 in business or being a parent, or living on the planet is everyone's doing 345 00:22:12.640 --> 00:22:15.440 the best they can with what they have, but sometimes what you don't have 346 00:22:15.920 --> 00:22:19.599 is the advice that you need for your future. Right, it's really hard 347 00:22:19.640 --> 00:22:25.240 to see yourself in action there, whether it's a codependency thing, whether it's 348 00:22:25.279 --> 00:22:30.119 a people pleasing thing which you're really to related, or it's because you've been 349 00:22:30.119 --> 00:22:33.759 in that same experience that's your neuronal go to, Like, that's just your 350 00:22:33.799 --> 00:22:37.759 neuronal go to, and it's not till someone points it out and says, 351 00:22:37.240 --> 00:22:41.720 let's try it this way that like you said, it doesn't even have to 352 00:22:41.720 --> 00:22:44.920 be grand, doesn't even have to be grand to beginning, it's just the 353 00:22:44.960 --> 00:22:48.640 results become grand. So I and I want to jump in there really quick 354 00:22:48.680 --> 00:22:52.400 too. We will default. It's like it's like a rut in the road. 355 00:22:52.559 --> 00:22:53.400 You know, the car's going a certain way and all of a sudden 356 00:22:53.400 --> 00:22:56.279 you're on the high When you're like, oh, I keep wanting to go 357 00:22:56.279 --> 00:22:59.880 in this one place, it's that rut. You're automatic will go back to 358 00:23:00.160 --> 00:23:03.759 that same rut until you start making those gradual changes, so you might not 359 00:23:03.799 --> 00:23:08.000 even realize it. But there's another part too, is that we will self 360 00:23:08.079 --> 00:23:14.319 sabotage and not realize that we're doing it, because as we start to grow 361 00:23:14.359 --> 00:23:18.000 and change, people around us might fall off. Other people might not like 362 00:23:18.000 --> 00:23:21.400 that we're growing and changing. And if we don't have someone to help motivate 363 00:23:21.440 --> 00:23:26.279 and cheerlead us on the new direction that we're going, all of those other 364 00:23:26.319 --> 00:23:29.880 people and that thinking that we have is going to put us right back to 365 00:23:29.920 --> 00:23:33.000 where we started, and then we haven't done what we needed. So if 366 00:23:33.039 --> 00:23:37.279 we don't believe, for example, that healthy relationships are possible for us, 367 00:23:37.720 --> 00:23:41.839 if we start working towards it, our brain all of a sudden is going 368 00:23:41.880 --> 00:23:44.640 to be like, no, that's not possible for people like us, we 369 00:23:44.720 --> 00:23:47.480 can't do that. And then we're going to screw it up. And then 370 00:23:47.519 --> 00:23:49.000 we're going to but we're not gonna mean to. We're going to say we're 371 00:23:49.039 --> 00:23:52.160 doing something different, and we're going to think we are, but we are 372 00:23:52.200 --> 00:23:56.359 actually doing exactly the same thing, and then we're going to end up in 373 00:23:56.400 --> 00:23:59.759 another unhealthy relationship where we're like, see, I was right, I can't 374 00:24:00.160 --> 00:24:03.799 there's no good guys out there, they're all terrible, and we put and 375 00:24:03.839 --> 00:24:07.519 then we believe that, so then we've now we retrained our brain that see, 376 00:24:07.519 --> 00:24:10.599 it's not possible for me to create something different. But that's why that 377 00:24:10.640 --> 00:24:12.079 outside support is so important, because I can call you'll be like, this 378 00:24:12.119 --> 00:24:17.160 is where this is where we sabotage. This is where where that fear comes 379 00:24:17.240 --> 00:24:19.880 up of the new you and who you're creating. That's where this comes up 380 00:24:19.920 --> 00:24:23.039 and where you're going to be scared and try and fall backwards. So I 381 00:24:23.079 --> 00:24:27.920 think that was important to add because that sabotage is so amazing. It's the 382 00:24:29.000 --> 00:24:33.000 bs, the belief systems that we have will keep us stuck in sabotaging ourselves. 383 00:24:33.079 --> 00:24:37.240 Yeah. I have a saying that the lies look real. Yeah. 384 00:24:37.319 --> 00:24:41.160 The difficulty is that the lies look real. They don't look obscure. They 385 00:24:41.319 --> 00:24:44.400 just sit there and they're like, Oh, you're going to do this in 386 00:24:44.680 --> 00:24:47.359 many areas, You're going to do this, and then all you know, 387 00:24:47.400 --> 00:24:49.400 it's like when someone used to book. I had a health studio at one 388 00:24:49.400 --> 00:24:53.759 point and we had these really big, incredible treatments that were pretty revolutionary for 389 00:24:53.839 --> 00:24:57.279 someone you know, just everything changed and it was a full day. It 390 00:24:57.279 --> 00:25:00.799 was a six hour treatment, and we would we got to the point where 391 00:25:00.839 --> 00:25:04.160 we had to get them to prepay because if not, guess what would happen. 392 00:25:04.519 --> 00:25:07.519 Oh I need a new stove, or you know, I have people 393 00:25:07.559 --> 00:25:11.720 that came in from out of town, and it was just we could see 394 00:25:11.720 --> 00:25:14.599 that they were sabotaging this, you know, evolution that they were going to 395 00:25:14.640 --> 00:25:18.119 go through. So once we started putting in a deposit non negotiable, then 396 00:25:18.160 --> 00:25:22.920 everybody showed up. There was no issues that were pertaining. They dealt with 397 00:25:22.960 --> 00:25:26.759 that. So let's jump a little bit to you working with your new husband, 398 00:25:26.920 --> 00:25:29.960 because wow, right, I mean, first of all, working in 399 00:25:29.960 --> 00:25:33.240 the dynamic of you know, one that you love can be interesting, can 400 00:25:33.279 --> 00:25:37.079 be joyful, and can be interesting. And so you meet this gentleman and 401 00:25:37.119 --> 00:25:41.720 then I mean, I'm assuming he wasn't in the same field before you met 402 00:25:41.799 --> 00:25:44.440 him, or tell us a little bit about that. No, So well, 403 00:25:44.519 --> 00:25:48.799 it's it's so funny because he actually had wanted he had dipped his toe 404 00:25:48.880 --> 00:25:52.039 in the entrepreneurship world, and that was actually something that if I was going 405 00:25:52.039 --> 00:25:55.640 to date again, I wanted someone who was open to be an entrepreneur. 406 00:25:55.640 --> 00:25:59.160 That was something that was important. But he was a reiki master teacher and 407 00:25:59.200 --> 00:26:00.119 I was like, oh, that's right, really cool, And he is 408 00:26:00.200 --> 00:26:03.920 a psych k facilitator, which helps with subconscious belief change, and he had 409 00:26:03.960 --> 00:26:07.839 been doing that already for years, and so he's a little bit the woo 410 00:26:07.880 --> 00:26:10.920 and I'm a little bit more like the down to earth, more grounded one. 411 00:26:11.079 --> 00:26:12.920 So it's a really good yin and yang combination. But I'll tell you 412 00:26:12.960 --> 00:26:15.440 this is something that's really kind of funny is that the first time I went 413 00:26:15.480 --> 00:26:21.079 to his apartment and I walked in and he had a big bookshelf, and 414 00:26:21.240 --> 00:26:23.359 on the bookshelf there were all these like self help books, and I was 415 00:26:23.440 --> 00:26:26.599 like, he has all the same books that I do. I was like, 416 00:26:27.400 --> 00:26:30.200 made me a little hot. I was like, whoa, Yeah, 417 00:26:30.240 --> 00:26:33.640 this is really nice to see a guy who's got all the same books. 418 00:26:33.799 --> 00:26:37.759 So it's not you know, it was real and it was genuine, and 419 00:26:37.799 --> 00:26:40.839 he had done some of that work himself. And he actually had broken up 420 00:26:40.880 --> 00:26:45.319 with his longtime girlfriend and around the same time I ended my relationship with my 421 00:26:45.400 --> 00:26:48.920 husband, so we had both had about a year and a half of just 422 00:26:49.000 --> 00:26:52.839 being single and not being serious about any type of relationship to really work on 423 00:26:52.880 --> 00:26:56.680 ourselves, and that to me was really important. But if you would have 424 00:26:56.720 --> 00:27:02.359 told me fifteen years ago that number one i'd be married to my best friend, 425 00:27:02.480 --> 00:27:06.559 and that we would be helping people heal together, and that i'd be 426 00:27:06.599 --> 00:27:10.839 working with women. All of that, I would have laughed, like, 427 00:27:10.880 --> 00:27:14.319 there's no way that I would have believed that to happen. Like me, 428 00:27:15.000 --> 00:27:18.440 that's really good at crappy relationships. I'm going to help people out of these 429 00:27:18.440 --> 00:27:22.039 things like never in a million years. And that's something, you know. 430 00:27:22.519 --> 00:27:27.160 I really hope anyone who's listening can hear that and understand like I didn't foresee 431 00:27:27.200 --> 00:27:32.319 this, I didn't know. I would have never imagined that this would be 432 00:27:32.880 --> 00:27:36.680 the direction that I went. And so you know, if it can happen 433 00:27:36.759 --> 00:27:40.640 to me and I can make such a shift, I'm not any more special 434 00:27:40.680 --> 00:27:44.559 than any of you, it's all. I'm not a guru. I'm not 435 00:27:44.720 --> 00:27:48.279 anything other than someone who made it my priority to do the work and do 436 00:27:48.319 --> 00:27:52.319 the healing and not settle. And so like I did the work, I 437 00:27:52.319 --> 00:27:55.319 got happy being single, and when I met my husband, I was so 438 00:27:55.440 --> 00:28:00.279 happy being single that I allowed it to just be friendship and see what it 439 00:28:00.359 --> 00:28:03.359 went. And when I saw because I almost broke up with him a few 440 00:28:03.400 --> 00:28:06.279 times because I really liked being single that much, and I thought, I 441 00:28:06.359 --> 00:28:08.279 just felt this loss, and I was like, this is the first guy 442 00:28:08.359 --> 00:28:11.839 that's not trying to control me. He's not trying to manipulate me, and 443 00:28:11.920 --> 00:28:15.920 he adds to my life where before relationships all took away from my life, 444 00:28:17.240 --> 00:28:22.480 and all of that together created this beautiful, you know, just combination and 445 00:28:22.640 --> 00:28:26.400 like we were both better versions of ourselves together. So if anybody's stuck right 446 00:28:26.440 --> 00:28:29.839 now and they're like, I don't know, I can't see it. I 447 00:28:29.960 --> 00:28:34.319 had a glimmer of hope that maybe maybe maybe something could be better if I 448 00:28:34.359 --> 00:28:37.519 got out, and that was what got me. That little glimmer of hope 449 00:28:37.599 --> 00:28:41.000 is what got me to make all those changes, find an amazing partner, 450 00:28:41.079 --> 00:28:45.119 and do all of this work. Thank you for sharing that, because I 451 00:28:45.119 --> 00:28:51.519 think we don't foresee like many decisions that we make in our life, whether 452 00:28:51.559 --> 00:28:56.000 it's entrepreneurial. I mean, this was obviously clearly an entrepreneurial decision as well. 453 00:28:56.319 --> 00:28:59.640 You couldn't have seen that. So you made unforeseen business decisions, you 454 00:28:59.640 --> 00:29:03.200 made un seeing relationship decisions. And I like that you said that you liked 455 00:29:03.279 --> 00:29:04.880 being singles so much, and I hear a lot of people that have come 456 00:29:04.920 --> 00:29:10.279 out of difficult experiences when they start to find themselves again and love themselves again, 457 00:29:10.559 --> 00:29:12.920 what would you say to the person who's been in that place, has 458 00:29:12.960 --> 00:29:15.119 done the work. I hear it all the time. I'm sure, so 459 00:29:15.200 --> 00:29:19.400 are you. I'm finally happy. I don't want a relationship, and the 460 00:29:19.599 --> 00:29:26.039 fear of going into relationship or losing yourself again is so prevalent. It reminds 461 00:29:26.079 --> 00:29:29.960 me of e Prey Love at the end, where you know he wants to 462 00:29:29.960 --> 00:29:33.519 have relationship with her, but she finally found herself and she was like, 463 00:29:33.599 --> 00:29:36.799 I don't want to give this up in the fear of losing yourself again. 464 00:29:37.119 --> 00:29:40.680 I mean, people must come up against that. Oh yeah, And it's 465 00:29:40.720 --> 00:29:44.960 actually and that's why you know, I would say most of what I do 466 00:29:45.759 --> 00:29:52.160 with my clients is getting them back into living their lives because you can't live 467 00:29:52.200 --> 00:29:56.640 your life for somebody else. That's not possible. And we were talking about 468 00:29:56.680 --> 00:29:59.079 before we started. I mean, I have so many clients, like there's 469 00:29:59.119 --> 00:30:02.880 one in particular, whe she is this high end lawyer. She's doing really 470 00:30:02.880 --> 00:30:06.400 well for herself, but the only thing exciting she's had in her life in 471 00:30:06.440 --> 00:30:11.039 the past few years is these really terrible relationships and I use the word exciting 472 00:30:11.200 --> 00:30:17.319 loosely because they're not exciting. They're dramatic and they use up all this energy, 473 00:30:17.839 --> 00:30:21.440 but you know, getting her to like, Hey, how about you 474 00:30:21.480 --> 00:30:25.279 go kayaking this weekend. How about you plan a girl's trip with some of 475 00:30:25.319 --> 00:30:29.119 your friends. How about we start meeting new people that are outside of your 476 00:30:29.160 --> 00:30:33.799 regular circle, and we start creating a life of adventure and excitement outside of 477 00:30:33.799 --> 00:30:37.960 your career, and then we can start looking at because you know, no 478 00:30:38.039 --> 00:30:44.680 matter what happens, we create our life single, and then we don't just 479 00:30:44.799 --> 00:30:47.880 drop all of that once we get into our relationship, and that's where I 480 00:30:47.880 --> 00:30:49.880 think so many of us. And then when we've been in a toxic relationship, 481 00:30:51.359 --> 00:30:53.319 it's even more hyper focused on the relationship because it's taking up so much 482 00:30:53.400 --> 00:30:57.440 energy. So we have to remember that there is that balance. I mean, 483 00:30:57.559 --> 00:31:00.920 David is my best friend. Him and I work together, we do 484 00:31:00.920 --> 00:31:03.240 all these things, but I also have my book club, I also have 485 00:31:03.359 --> 00:31:06.640 my hiking group. I also have the other people that I do things with 486 00:31:07.039 --> 00:31:11.319 that's not all him. Because it's not even really fair for us to put 487 00:31:11.400 --> 00:31:17.960 so much energy and so much expectation on our partner because they're human too. 488 00:31:18.039 --> 00:31:21.240 They deserve their own life, they deserve their own space, you know. 489 00:31:21.319 --> 00:31:25.079 And so to be able to have that separation and to me, not only 490 00:31:25.079 --> 00:31:27.240 does it keep the relationship strong, but it gives even something fun to talk 491 00:31:27.240 --> 00:31:30.039 about, because if you're just together all the time and it's always working on 492 00:31:30.039 --> 00:31:33.440 the relationship and figuring out, you know, doing all that stuff out, 493 00:31:33.559 --> 00:31:37.680 it's very draining, but it's also not very fun. And again, when 494 00:31:37.720 --> 00:31:38.799 you go and you're doing your things and you come back you're like, oh, 495 00:31:38.839 --> 00:31:42.599 guess what I did today, It keeps everything more exciting and more interesting. 496 00:31:42.640 --> 00:31:45.240 And then you can share your own adventures together, the things that they 497 00:31:45.359 --> 00:31:49.400 enjoy and that you enjoy. This so there's no resentment, there's no you 498 00:31:49.400 --> 00:31:52.240 know, anger like, oh you want to do this with me? No, 499 00:31:52.240 --> 00:31:52.640 you know, Oh I think that's cool. I'm going to go do 500 00:31:52.680 --> 00:31:56.519 this with somebody else. And then you can both just kind of come back 501 00:31:56.519 --> 00:32:00.160 together and share your experience together. Right. For those that are scared to 502 00:32:00.200 --> 00:32:04.759 open their heart again and that kind of process, it's you know, it's 503 00:32:04.799 --> 00:32:08.240 not all or nothing, yep yep, right, yeah, And again very 504 00:32:08.279 --> 00:32:13.599 important before we start dating again to have that as your baseline because if not 505 00:32:13.960 --> 00:32:17.119 then we are again. I'm thinking of another client where she has been afraid 506 00:32:17.240 --> 00:32:22.920 to really create this other life because well, what if I meet someone and 507 00:32:22.960 --> 00:32:24.880 I said, but what you're doing is is you're coming across, like I 508 00:32:24.920 --> 00:32:29.359 can tell by what you're saying, you're lonely. So you're looking for a 509 00:32:29.440 --> 00:32:34.960 relationship to fill in that void because you're lonely, and lonely people come across 510 00:32:35.039 --> 00:32:40.880 as being desperate and who is attracted to that narcissist toxic people They want to 511 00:32:40.880 --> 00:32:45.119 take advantage of the fact that you aren't feeling very good, that you're feeling 512 00:32:45.240 --> 00:32:47.680 lonely, or feeling isolated, all those things. But what a narciss doesn't 513 00:32:47.720 --> 00:32:52.240 like is a woman who is strong, who's independent and doesn't put up with 514 00:32:52.240 --> 00:32:54.640 a shit. So because then they're like, wait, I can't control and 515 00:32:54.680 --> 00:32:58.079 manipulate her. She's got her own life. She's not going to deal and 516 00:32:58.160 --> 00:33:00.440 like you know, I can't. She's not going to cater to my every 517 00:33:00.519 --> 00:33:05.680 whim everything. So they're not going to be interested in that. But the 518 00:33:05.799 --> 00:33:08.799 strong men, not the boys. We don't want boys anymore. But the 519 00:33:08.839 --> 00:33:13.240 strong men are going to see that strong, independent, powerful woman and be 520 00:33:13.319 --> 00:33:16.440 like that is an amazing person. She doesn't need me, she chooses me, 521 00:33:17.079 --> 00:33:21.480 and so that's you know, remind yourself of that she doesn't need me, 522 00:33:21.680 --> 00:33:24.599 she chooses me, and that's again adding to your life. Wow, 523 00:33:25.039 --> 00:33:29.200 I know we're going to be wrapping up soon. You have two beautiful children. 524 00:33:29.599 --> 00:33:30.440 And it's interesting, right, Like, you know, for those of 525 00:33:30.519 --> 00:33:35.799 us that are entrepreneurs or have our own business, what do your children think 526 00:33:35.799 --> 00:33:37.799 about what you do? It's interesting sometimes. I mean my side ocean, 527 00:33:37.799 --> 00:33:42.559 we're doing this big women's project, big women's rights, and he happens to 528 00:33:42.599 --> 00:33:46.000 have been raised by a mom and a sister who are fairly independent, right, 529 00:33:46.079 --> 00:33:50.559 and so he's like, I don't see what the issue is, you 530 00:33:50.559 --> 00:33:52.720 know what I mean, Like, which is great as we want this generation 531 00:33:52.839 --> 00:33:57.240 to feel like, what do you mean? You know, he doesn't know 532 00:33:57.559 --> 00:34:01.480 historical information. So for him, it's very interesting being around all these women 533 00:34:01.599 --> 00:34:05.400 and what's going on and that kind of stuff. What about your children, 534 00:34:05.440 --> 00:34:08.239 It's like what do they think about their moment and dad that you know in 535 00:34:08.239 --> 00:34:13.440 this business and helping people in relationships that aren't so great. Oh, it's 536 00:34:13.679 --> 00:34:16.159 so funny because I mean, so my office is right near the front door, 537 00:34:16.199 --> 00:34:21.519 so they can hear me as they walk by, and I don't realize 538 00:34:21.559 --> 00:34:23.199 how much they hear until all of a sudden things come up. And my 539 00:34:23.639 --> 00:34:28.320 son is eight, he's going into third grade, and he'll say he'll make 540 00:34:28.360 --> 00:34:31.800 comments about toxic relationships and like, oh, my mom wrote a book about 541 00:34:31.800 --> 00:34:37.679 toxic relationships, and we'll talk about things qualities, about what's toxic and what's 542 00:34:37.679 --> 00:34:40.760 healthy. But he also says, like it's so cute because he's like, 543 00:34:42.039 --> 00:34:45.519 women are so powerful and strong, Like I don't know why guys say that 544 00:34:45.679 --> 00:34:49.920 girls aren't strong because women are so strong. In fact, I think they're 545 00:34:49.960 --> 00:34:52.639 stronger than men. And I'm like, yeah, this is good. And 546 00:34:52.039 --> 00:34:59.000 he's funny too because like something as silly as my husband will vacuum and like 547 00:34:59.079 --> 00:35:01.519 clean the toilets, you know, and he for him, that's a man's 548 00:35:01.599 --> 00:35:06.440 job. Like I help, and so you know, we talk about, 549 00:35:06.440 --> 00:35:08.239 well, when I grow up and if I want to be a good partner, 550 00:35:08.559 --> 00:35:12.400 I need to also clean toilets and vacuum, so I need Daddy to 551 00:35:12.440 --> 00:35:15.440 help me do those things. And Daddy helps support mommy, So I need 552 00:35:15.480 --> 00:35:17.880 to do those things. So it's just and he's eight, you know, 553 00:35:17.960 --> 00:35:22.800 so it's like, and we've never told him those things. It's just he 554 00:35:22.000 --> 00:35:28.360 sees that we are a force together and that we are on the same you 555 00:35:28.360 --> 00:35:30.119 know, playing field, and there's no one better than the other. We 556 00:35:30.199 --> 00:35:32.760 just listen to each other and go back and forth. But that's how we've 557 00:35:32.760 --> 00:35:37.000 seen his whole life. And my daughter is very much the strong, independent 558 00:35:37.320 --> 00:35:42.840 five year old girl that you know. It's it's very much. She's very 559 00:35:42.880 --> 00:35:46.079 sure of herself and she knows she is not afraid to say no, and 560 00:35:46.159 --> 00:35:52.039 I love that. Difficult sometimes as a mom, you might want to revisit 561 00:35:52.079 --> 00:35:55.400 that when she's sixteen exactly. But she I mean she but she'll talk about 562 00:35:55.400 --> 00:35:59.199 it and she'll you know. But it is interesting and I think it's also 563 00:35:59.239 --> 00:36:04.280 interesting even just for us to relook at how we were brought up and as 564 00:36:04.360 --> 00:36:08.000 people who helped toxic relationships. We're not parenting coaches, but there's a lot 565 00:36:08.039 --> 00:36:14.960 of learning that happens because we see, we've seen and heard stories from the 566 00:36:15.000 --> 00:36:17.079 other end once they are adults of what's happened to them in their childhood. 567 00:36:17.159 --> 00:36:23.079 So we are hyper aware of certain things and certain behaviors that are okay versus 568 00:36:23.159 --> 00:36:27.679 not okay, and we're also, and we're learning that as well for ourselves, 569 00:36:27.719 --> 00:36:30.519 like how do we navigate this? We don't want them to live in 570 00:36:30.559 --> 00:36:35.519 shame and guilt, so we're very big. You know. My son actually 571 00:36:36.400 --> 00:36:40.360 was having some issues at school and the school psychologist or whatever, she's like, 572 00:36:40.400 --> 00:36:46.119 I have to say that he is so well spoken and speaks so eloquently 573 00:36:46.239 --> 00:36:52.159 about his feelings and in this very assertive communication style. We don't see that 574 00:36:52.440 --> 00:36:55.119 with boys or any kids really that age. And I'm like, well, 575 00:36:55.159 --> 00:37:00.039 we're relationship where we teach people about toxic relationship. So that's you know, 576 00:37:00.159 --> 00:37:04.840 but I you know, it's such an amazing learning experience for us and for 577 00:37:04.920 --> 00:37:08.239 them as well, to see to hear the stories of what we share. 578 00:37:08.320 --> 00:37:13.400 I mean, they all know about my history and my background, right right, 579 00:37:13.480 --> 00:37:15.679 Wow, Well, look, I know that we're, like I said, 580 00:37:15.719 --> 00:37:17.760 getting close to time, and please tell us again the name of your 581 00:37:17.760 --> 00:37:22.159 book. I think it's a I think it's perfect. I love the clarity 582 00:37:22.280 --> 00:37:23.480 in what it is that you know when you put it out there to the 583 00:37:23.480 --> 00:37:25.840 world. So the name of your book. And I know that we were 584 00:37:25.840 --> 00:37:29.599 talking a little pre show that you've got something. And when I was talking 585 00:37:29.639 --> 00:37:32.800 about accessibility to information and how important that is. I think we've all had 586 00:37:32.840 --> 00:37:37.519 something like even if it's a medical condition that we're trying desperately to find someone 587 00:37:37.519 --> 00:37:39.159 to help us with. So you've got things of all level. We're a 588 00:37:39.159 --> 00:37:43.480 big believer in accessibility over here at you know, two sixty two and giving 589 00:37:43.519 --> 00:37:47.440 accessibility. You've got something that people can tap into full access with no investment, 590 00:37:47.719 --> 00:37:50.840 and then if they want to dig in more, obviously you have that 591 00:37:50.920 --> 00:37:52.880 as well. Can you just give us on what that is right now? 592 00:37:53.320 --> 00:37:58.719 Yeah? Sure. So I've got my book Being Loved Shouldn't Hurt the what 593 00:37:58.760 --> 00:38:01.760 I'm offering. So we have a subscription that is launching this week, which 594 00:38:01.760 --> 00:38:07.239 we're really excited about, and that's free for listeners. They can try it 595 00:38:07.280 --> 00:38:09.000 out, and then after that it's only thirty three dollars a month. So 596 00:38:09.119 --> 00:38:13.800 I wanted to make it super accessible. You would get my book and workbook 597 00:38:13.920 --> 00:38:17.159 when you do sign up for that. So go to Being Loved should Hurt 598 00:38:17.159 --> 00:38:21.719 dot com slash links and we'll put that in the show notes of course. 599 00:38:22.159 --> 00:38:25.039 And then of course there's my podcast, Toxic Love Transformation. If you go 600 00:38:25.119 --> 00:38:30.440 to toxiclovepodcast dot com you can find that on all of the different areas where 601 00:38:30.519 --> 00:38:34.960 podcasts stream, but definitely go check it out. You know, no matter 602 00:38:35.000 --> 00:38:37.840 what I think, the really important thing is is there's nothing wrong with you. 603 00:38:38.480 --> 00:38:42.800 There's just the lack of knowledge is the lack of tools. So instead 604 00:38:42.800 --> 00:38:46.599 of beating yourself up and wishing that things were different, start taking action, 605 00:38:46.719 --> 00:38:52.320 start getting the information, and start actively working towards creating something different. Because 606 00:38:52.360 --> 00:38:55.000 you were put here for beautiful, amazing things. It was not to just 607 00:38:55.119 --> 00:38:59.800 struggle. You have a beautiful gift that the world needs for you to step 608 00:38:59.840 --> 00:39:02.400 in to that power and give back. Well, well I couldn't have said 609 00:39:02.400 --> 00:39:06.199 it better. And I think the only one thing to add to that is, 610 00:39:06.239 --> 00:39:08.400 no matter where you're at, even if your toxic relationship was a long 611 00:39:08.440 --> 00:39:13.480 time ago, but yet you find yourself still in some kind of repetitive pattern 612 00:39:13.840 --> 00:39:16.840 or whether you're in that in situation or anywhere around that line, good information 613 00:39:16.960 --> 00:39:21.440 is always good information. It just moves you in knowledge, particularly in this 614 00:39:21.519 --> 00:39:24.199 arena. It's so powerful. Thank you so much for joining us today. 615 00:39:24.679 --> 00:39:29.199 Like you said, everything will be in the show notes watch her show. 616 00:39:29.280 --> 00:39:31.360 It was such a pleasure to be on your show and have that conversation. 617 00:39:32.360 --> 00:39:37.000 Like I said earlier. You incredible audience. If you want to be here 618 00:39:37.320 --> 00:39:40.400 where she is sitting today, sharing something that's important to you, you're powerful 619 00:39:40.480 --> 00:39:43.800 your message. You know how to reach us. You're just going to go 620 00:39:43.840 --> 00:39:46.679 to Depth Drummond dot com. There's contact there and there's all sorts of ways 621 00:39:46.719 --> 00:39:50.760 to play as well. As you know, we have been embarking on this 622 00:39:50.800 --> 00:39:54.280 incredible book launch the two sixty two project, and so again go to the 623 00:39:54.320 --> 00:39:59.400 website. The book is now live. You've been hearing about it for almost 624 00:39:59.480 --> 00:40:02.039 two years. And the two sixty two mission of two hundred and sixty two 625 00:40:02.079 --> 00:40:07.760 women that are sharing their stories of gumption in all areas of their life. 626 00:40:07.280 --> 00:40:10.400 So you can go and support that project as well. Stephanie, thank you 627 00:40:10.440 --> 00:40:13.960 so much for being with us today. Listeners, thank you so much for 628 00:40:14.000 --> 00:40:17.559 being with us today. And I have one final question for Stephanie that is 629 00:40:17.679 --> 00:40:21.800 different than what we just talked about. So, Stephanie, if you were 630 00:40:21.800 --> 00:40:24.079 on your way to a desert island and it was just you and your suitcase, 631 00:40:24.119 --> 00:40:29.559 and you had room in that suitcase for one album. One album couldn't 632 00:40:29.599 --> 00:40:31.599 be a collection, can't be a playlist, but just one album that you 633 00:40:31.639 --> 00:40:36.199 couldn't imagine not sitting on the beach and listening to you for the rest of 634 00:40:36.239 --> 00:40:38.239 your days. What album would it be. It could be an album, 635 00:40:38.239 --> 00:40:42.320 it could be a song or an artist. Well, I'm gonna go with 636 00:40:42.480 --> 00:40:45.920 artists. So I'm a big Fish fan. Fish is like the newer version 637 00:40:45.920 --> 00:40:50.599 of the Grateful Dead. But they just bring me to a happy place and 638 00:40:51.239 --> 00:40:53.599 I could listen to them. They just remind me of summer and fun and 639 00:40:53.679 --> 00:40:58.360 adventure and excitement, so definitely fun. Right. Is there a particular song 640 00:40:58.400 --> 00:41:00.519 that you like. There's a few that are coming through, but there's one 641 00:41:00.519 --> 00:41:05.239 that's actually called Free, and it's about being able to float and just be 642 00:41:05.320 --> 00:41:08.360 free to be who you are. So that's all right, all right, 643 00:41:08.400 --> 00:41:12.960 So listeners, go out there and put in free from Fish. We're big 644 00:41:13.039 --> 00:41:15.599 music supporters here, so it will actually be in the show notes. Look, 645 00:41:15.960 --> 00:41:20.480 thank you for joining us, and thank you for joining us everybody today, 646 00:41:21.079 --> 00:41:23.679 until we meet again, be well and stay or bye for now.