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This is Later with Lee Matthews The
Lee Matthews Podcast more what you hear weekday

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afternoons on the Drive. Doctor Heather
Brown is so aptly known as the Reframe

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Queen, a pioneering and proving psychotherapist
with over twenty seven years of experience and

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high high profile relationship expert. Her
new volume is just in time for Valentines.

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It's called Speaking with the Heart.
Transforming your relationship and communicating with compassion

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and connection the keys to unlocking important
layers to deepen your intimacy, compassion and

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closeness with your partner. Let's just
start with, in general, the state

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of love in our nation, Doctor
Heather Brown. Is it steady, is

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it declining? Is it getting better? I think it's all over the place.

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That they were kind of a storm
with how we love. Unfortunately,

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I guess maybe that's good on the
level that there's a lot that we're not

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doing very well that we can change. There's a lot of passion going on,

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but maybe misguided and misdirected, I
would say in a lot of places.

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One of the things that surprised me
the most about marriage, and I've

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been married now for almost thirty one
years, but the first thing that surprised

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me. I didn't expect this,
and I don't know if it was just

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my hy chromosome or what the intense
end, all encompassing, all encompassing security.

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Yeah, there's always butterflies here and
there, and there's passion here and

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there. But the one thing for
me that doesn't go away is the security

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knowing that, Okay, I'm not
in this world alone. I'm working on

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this life with someone else. I
wonder if that's if that's something people forget

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over time. Absolutely, but it
also speaks a lot to the relationship that

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you have with your wife, because
that is really why we go into relationship.

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I'm a widow and that was one
of the first things that I realized.

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It felt so bizarre to now be
in the world on my own and

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not have this person that I was
thinking about caring for, just being able

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to check in and run things by. I felt naked. So we don't

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realize how important that is. We
take each other for granted, and then

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you lose that passion, you lose
that respect, you lose that curiosity.

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And what makes that relationship is so
fun in the beginning is it's new.

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It's exciting, you can't wait to
see them, and being married thirty one

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years, you know what your wife
looks like, you know what her patterns

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are, but you can choose to
decide. I'm going to be excited you're

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in my life. I'm going to
realize that we are both choosing each other

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today and I want to have the
best day can have with you. So

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let's play around with some different positions, Let's play around with some different activities.

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Let's come to each other freshly.
You don't have to ever take each

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other for granted, and I would
hope you wouldn't. What a beautiful,

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beautiful saying it is to have somebody
in your life who wants to be with

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you, who chooses to be with
you, and is willing to work with

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you through all the little idiosyncrasies that
we have. The people's biggest fear is

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to die alone. And as a
literal, I know what that that fear

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is. It's like, I didn't
come into this world to be alone.

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I didn't come into this world alone. We came into the world through a

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mother, made from a mother and
a father. Most of us don't want

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to go out all on their own. It's a communal experience and marriage is

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one of the process but also one
of the most refining and deeply beautiful places

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that you can do. I think, you know having a child as well.

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I think those two areas are incredible
for helping us grow and learn and

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change and learning, have a love
and forgive and accept. Yeah, congratulations

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from thirty one yours well, thank
you, thank you for that. And

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I, by the way, empathize
and sympathize with your feelings because in the

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course of our marriage we went through
a cancer scare with her, and that

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was that was the questions I asked
from the beginning. What am I going

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to do if I lose her?
How am I going to live day to

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day without knowing she's going to be
home when I get there? Those were

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all the you know, the big
things. But let's keep this thing happy.

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Doctor Heather Brown, speaking with the
Heart, Transforming your relationship and communication

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with compassion and connection. You get
into the book with four important questions to

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ask before you step into any conversation. Yes, and it's so vital.

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And this came out of being a
psychotherapist for couples for so many years.

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We normally go into a conversation and
just blurt out, I hate that you

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do this. You piss me off
all the time. What the hell were

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you thinking? If you want to
make meat loafs, you don't just open

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up the refrigerator and just throw everything
in and think it's going to be meat

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loaf. You follow a recipe so
you know how it's going to come out.

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That's the key to communication. What's
the point of this conversation. Where

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do you want this to go?
What's the outcome you desire? If you

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ask yourself that before, you're going
to start to footly, Because if I

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want you to love me at the
end of this conversation, I'm not going

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to start with what the hell is
wrong with you? You idiot? I'm

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going to say, sweetheart, So
where do you want to go? Is

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very important? Number Two? Is
this conversation gonna bless your partner and your

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relationship? If it's not, you're
just venting. You're just dumping and that

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no one really enjoys that. So
make certain there's a reason behind it going

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to bless and improve. Number three, are you open to what your partner

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is going to say? If you're
not, it's a lecture. So recognize

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that because a lot of a lecture, and number four, people don't think

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about it, and it's critical.
Is this a good time? I ask

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everyone that I have an important conversation, like there's something that I'd like to

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talk about. It's about the car. I know we've got some things to

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figure out. When is a good
time for you? A couple of reasons

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for it. Number One, the
other person might not already be thinking about

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this topic, so by letting them
know you want to talk about it,

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their will start to race, so
they can start to think about the things

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they need to to really be in
the conversation. Number Two, it's respectful.

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And then when I come to you
and say, Okay, thank you

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so much, I'm ready now to
talk about the car. What do you

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have, You've got to agreement with
me. I'm already stepping in to your

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conversation. Willing to have your conversation. Completely changes it. So they're pivotal

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to ask. And then there's one
other thing I always tell people to share,

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which is you and our relationship are
so much more important to me than

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this topic. I know we need
to talk about the car. I just

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want you to know that you were
so much more important to me, and

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we're going to take pauses if we
start to forget that because we need to

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get to the other side. And
I love you, And that changes the

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conversation hugely. When you speak with
your heart and offer that energy to the

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other person, they feel it and
then they don't feel attacked, they don't

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feel blamed, they don't feel shamed. They just feel your heart out there

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saying, oh my gosh, this
is enough. Look how we're going to

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do. And then with that you
start to figure it out. And I

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have lots of exercises to help you
in that piece, but recognizing it's really

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up to you to decide. Am
I going to share my heart with you?

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Am I going to care about your
feelings and your thoughts? If I'm

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not, I need to pull out
and say I'm not ready, Like I'm

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all in me, I'm not open
to being connected with you. It will

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change your relationships tremendously. Pioneering and
proven psychotherapist doctor Heather Brown, the book

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she's talking about is Speaking with the
Heart, Transforming your relationship and communication with

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compassion and connection. She also gets
into the five important components of communication,

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how to stop fighting the biggest lie
that destroys relationships In the book and we

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thank you. We can't get to
all that today, but have a happy

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Valentine's Day, Doctor and you,
well, thank you so much for having

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me. Thanks for listening to Later
with Lee Matthews, the Lee Matthews Podcast,

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and remember to listen to The Drive
Live weekday afternoons from five to seven.

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And I Heart to be a presentation