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jerking heart to mind, rows to the parts they don't go plan? What
are you looking? All the holly served the sea is drugs, becos don't
need no cus opens and drugs those, and drugs hold those, and drug
be hearties and creep fantasy offers take on a statistic games oscar will they say,
Hey, everybody, I'm John Hartness and I'll be playing the role of
Alphonk's light Bringer grumpy monk. In real life I am. I am kind
of grumpy. I'm not, however, a monk. I will not run
up walls at any point. I in real life, I write multiple series,
including The Black Night Chronicles, Quincy Harkard, Demon the Hunter, and
Bubba the Monster Hunter. The most recent two releases are now available on audiobook,
So get out there and get that shit we are. I was an
author on the Mongoliad books. My novels Skyfar and Dragon Road are available from
Angry Robot Books. And it is time to get the shrooms on. Hey
everybody, I am Drew Hayes, the metallical man with a Metallicazam. I
am the author of books such as Superpowers NPCs and Fred the Vampire Accountant.
Stand Dan delivery here, gentlemen of misfortune, it seems in real life,
I'm Steve Weverell, and I write The Doom said, Johnny's with Falstaff Books.
Hey everyone, my name is Rick wal Tierri and I am the old
rusty sump pump trying and failing to dream this sewage filled basement. First off,
I just wanted to offer apologies for anybody who's been who's been standing by
and waiting with bated breath for for salty bastards. Dear God, I hope
there's at least one of you out there. But but yeah, due to
life, we had to kind of postponed the game for a bit, uh
following A and D or a dcon. But uh, well we're back and
hopefully saltier than ever. Well, I mean, we've been soaking in saltwater
for two months, so yeah, you guys might be a little bit prude
on the on the prune side, which it doesn't doesn't speak well to uh
to Georsura. Really, I don't want to know about Georser's prunes. But
anyway, when uh in the distant past, when when last we uh last
we got together at live at a dcon, the group had had accepted a
quest to help a wizard turned tuna named Haywood Jabroni. They tried. They
traveled to the bottom of the sea to his underwater keep to uh to try
to rescue it from from Haywood's somewhat rebellious former assistant, harmonious Fizz. The
group when last week, when last we left off, they had negotiated with
Fizz, trying to get him to drop money in return for them just handing
over the tuna. Uh, that didn't really work out. There was there
was just enough goodness in the group to to overcome overcome that treachery and uh,
well, we were just about to start a battle, you know,
Fizz's forces, which appear to be more polymorph doug creatures. There's three crocodiles
and the wizard himself kind of popped back into the tower. And since it's
been a while and half you guys had had laptops at half, you didn't
at a decon, why doesn't everybody roll me a new initiative and we will
start at the top of the round. Yeah, well, uh, Al
rolls a five metallica Zam rolls a twenty one. Well, stand since you
are far out in the like you know, in the in the lead,
you know, facing facing down the licking of the hungry crocodiles with only your
tunatural side. It's only naturally you go first. Ah, it'd be great
of this tuna if I could rely on it for some backup. I trust
it almost exactly as much as I trust everyone else on the port. It's
safe to say that that that the that, considering that you were negotiating gold
for its life a few moments ago, um out loud, it feels the
same. I was, you know, I was playing the long game.
Break I was. I was trying to trick the apprentice into a more favorable
negotiating position. If this tuna doesn't want to appreciate my negotiating subtleties, and
I guess we're all going to be eaten by crocodiles anyway. I'll tell you
what rule me A persuasion check, you know, for free. Okay,
dookey technically should have a good persuasion. But let's see how that works out.
Fifteen. Ah, okay, you're you're impassioned. Please HiT's HiT's haywood
right in the heart. Fortunately better than an arrow. Now, as he
as he reconsiders that perhaps you were playing the long game. All right,
it is uh your turn to act. I am extremely trustworthy. I guess
the apprentice is now out of sight. Yes he da, so franning him
is out of question. Um, well, um, yeah, he's uh
he was. He was pretty high above I believe he was about forty feet
above you guys souh Yeah, you don't have you can't see him, and
he looked like a short fellow. Well, a kid rogue uses his environment
to his vantage in lieu of any chandeliers to swing from. I noticed there
is a staircase. I am going to ascend said staircase and see if I
can bottleneck, I aggresses. This isn't cowardice, This is strategy. You
were inside a subtower, which there doesn't seem to be a whole lot in
it other than some uh you know, some coral growth and such. Come
at me, you potential handbag bitches. And hopefully I've also alerted um the
rest of the team to my Asily four out plane of action. Oh,
I guess we will see tallicasam um. Okay, So, Stan Danny Liver,
you're inside a building right now. Yes, you should have all seen
me loudly ascend those stairs while calling those crocodiles bitches. Saw you you saw
him this way? Yeah, Okay, I uh us making sure three creatures
within range. It looks like I had already knocked out a may jarm on
myself. So while we have time before the ruckus begins, I'm gonna go
ahead and throw a blessing on myself, Cal and John's character who it's been
months now, I don't remember Alphon's light bringer. There we go, al
Al, you can call me al So, cal Al and Metallica is Am
are all now blessed. Fantastic And as a reminder, that means that whenever
we make an attack roll or a saving throw, you get to add a
D four that's not a pick and shoes that's in every time. Yeah.
It also means that we have to tattoo live, laugh love somewhere on ourselves,
right, because now we're hashtag blessed. Yeah, I put a little
angel thing on myself. Magic comes with a price, John nice Um and
I will use some movement to just shift a little ways back. It seems
like it's gonna get fighty and I'm not into that all right, z sticks
his head out the window, you know, with still has that gnar old
staff that you would see in Last Time, with that nonar old one you
saw the last time. It's popping hers who's on the screen, and he
points to one of the crocodiles. He's like, get those fuckers. He
casts a spell and the crocodile increases in size. Oh my god, damn
it before fizz, you know, pops his head back in. You know,
somebody kid just swim up there and punch that guy in the face.
Whoa, that's right. Our battlefield is like breed dimensional. Well, in
the next round, the door to this room opens, a large sharkcomes swimming
out, swinging his tail back and forth. Oh man, that was such
a good shit. He looks around its I go, what's going on?
We are we've been playing with each other much too long, because as soon
as you said the shark came out swinging its I just immediately assumed it was
going to be some weird giant shark. Dick. Mind me to check out
the room when that shock was shifting at some point, just purely for curiosity,
saying yeah, metallic exam is also interested in that. Just what the
fuck are you? We're adventurous? This feels like so think we should be,
you know, looking into so different than any of the other fluids.
You things let out today? Flush. I mean we are already at the
bottom of the ocean. If there's anything in there that looks like a well,
stay away. What are we afraid of drowning? Well, eventually you
are. I will remind everybody you are on a timetable. You have twelve
hours um before the spell wears off. And uh well, at the bottom
of the sea. That pretty much reenters you good as dead. It becomes
a solo game with just metallica. Fish screams out, it's get slacker.
However, the shark is is a little confused, having just swam out doing
his business. So that is all of the movement. It takes on Jorser's
term metallica, zam al and cal. All of you give me a perception
check twenty alten for kil you'll all notice it. This lump of coral,
a small moray eel, pops its head out of a hole, looks around,
and then pops itself back in. And at that Jorswert sees it as
well and goes, oh my, that hole looks just big enough. Man
floats over and starts, uh well, yeah, starts Jory serring it.
Man entirely the right verb to damn it. Oh god, if he rolled
above a twelve on your perception check, you can see jewelser at Jewelser.
That's all you needed to say. Now I'm gonna need wheel checks to not
carve out your own eyes. No shit, all right. Crocodile comes over
here and tries to grapple the tuna. What a crocodile cock'd However, he
misses badly that the tuna just just you know, avoiding his jaws. Crocodile,
since his way is a bit block, he starts swimming around. Well,
he starts swimming over the outhouse, makes it to about here, which
brings us to Alphons. Alrighty, crocodiles and sharks ahead of you, jeorsper
banging coral behind you, and yes, stuck in the middle with you.
Okay, being the curmudgeonally pricked that I am, I'm going straight after the
biggest guy here. So first I'm going to throw a hand axe at the
big crop because that's still a monk weapon and I can make an unarmed strike
as my bonus action. So we'll we'll roll a twenty to hit that hits
for three slashing day all right, big ass crocodile, and you hit it
in a soft spot. Then for my bonus action, I want to use
my radiant sunbolt, which is a ranged spell attack busts me a key point
and I get to use it. Yeah, I can spend a key point
to make this attack special attack twice as a bonus action. Right, so
I will fire off two bolts of sunfire at his snoot. And the first
one's a seven D four is probably not going to help you on that one,
no, and the second one's also not going to be. Somehow managed
to miss a giant crocodile sunlight. Yep, how do you like that?
Big boy? You throw an ax into its skullet and follow up with a
gentle warming sensation and now the sunburn not the same kind of warm sensation jucer
is creating. That's all right, that's it for me. I'm here,
Come at me. This crocodile moves up and tries to grapple the tuna as
well. That is much better. He tries not to do any damage,
but he definitely has the tuna in his jaws. I got you a little
and like, you know, hey, what was like? Help? Oh,
you're supposed to be heroes. We didn't say we were your hero.
We're clearly fighting, but that doesn't mean you're not going to take some damage.
We're not perfect somebody's hero just because I'm not yours. Cal, it
is your turn, all right, So I'm gonna move which one of the
does the crocodile above or below have the tuna in his mouth? This crocodile?
Okay, cool, Cal's gonna move towards that crocodile, and it's going
to drop a attack with the long sword. Ah don't four yep, hold
on the me roll my d four and that is a nineteen that hits.
All right, We're gonna drop a smite on this bastard. That's four slashing
nine to nine radiant, so thirteen total. You would take a massive chunk
out of him. Let the fish go, my dude, boss help all
right, mister Broni, he's going to try to break out, and well,
much as you would expect from a tuna, he doesn't. He's not
particularly good out of getting out of nets, especially nets with teeth. Gonna
write this polymorph thing so you could say he flops. Thanks for the blast.
Metallic zam a metallica man any time for you. I like, all
right, Stan, you are okay strategically retreating into the place. Say I
was strategically not being eaten. Um, now, how much does it cost
me to put away my rapia and draw my bow? Um part of a
move? I have a move? Okay, Well, will they simplified that
in five? I will do that. Then, scenes everybody seems to be
busy with the fish at a moment, We'll see if I can get somebody's
attention, and I will take a pot shot at the crocodile that is holding
on to the tuna. Bow attack eight. Your arrow just goes floating by.
Stop smiling, you, son of a bitch. Well I tried to
get his attention. No, my fault, it was, Well, I
guess it is my fault, not true fault. He didn't notice you're trying
to get his attention. Yeah, yeah, I mean he's a busy crocodile.
Here lies the body of hey Rich Bruni died at the age of one
hundred and three. All right, I tell Kazan before I start quoting Joe
somewhere. All right, um, I am going to first off, let
a light sword come ripping out of me. And appear kind of as my
spiritual weapon. It will attack the crocodile with that's holding the fish in its
mouth. So this one I believe, right, the lower one, yep,
all right, And I double checked the wording. I am attacking through
the spiritual weapon. It's very clear on that, so I think blessed still
applies. Oh. I just did a quick Google search and thirteen seconds of
research seems to us. Seems to back you up. So yeah, I
was wondering if it would be nebulous, but the wording is pretty straightforward.
When you can has the spell, you can make a melee spell attack against
a creature for him. So yeah, all right, let's see. So
we'll do justice slash and then we'll do the D four. Oh boy,
let's hope it's a good D four four fifteen. All right. D four
brings over all, right, Justice slash does ten damage. Damn. Just
just like that. Whatever's in the in the bathroom, aren't the only floaters?
All right? That was stabbing through the top of the head, just
barely missing. Heywood, and the fish goes free, just us. That
was my bonus action. So for action action, I'm going to shoot a
firebolt. Into the shark does an eighteen hand or do any my D four
eighteen hits okay for one fire damage. God, I freaking hate that.
Pew. I gotta get some sort of reroll. There's gotta be a feat
for that. You basically throw a little lighter at him. Yeah, well,
did just take a map save ship. There might be some methane around
him. The seward does an amazing job. I look like I'm shitting my
pain fucking glory sword. What this fizz do? As he sticks his head
out once again, he shoots a ray of frost at you. Cal M
does a sixteen hit you? Check? Yes it does? Okay, you
can do a saving throw. Well, first of all, it hits you
for two damage. Oh no, just no, just one one cold damage?
All right? Oh, don't forget you get your defour on the saving
throw too. Yep. I'm not sure if there actually is a save for
ray of frost like it's listed there. But that's a that's a can trip,
right, hang on, I have that one too instantaneous make a range
spell attack. Oh yeah, I know that. It's just have to hit.
That's breaking the ac is the check? Yeah, it's just like firebolt
yeah, your speed is reduced by ten feet. I don't like being gold.
That was his eyes underwater, but the fuck totally harsh in my vibes.
Man, take that you're a slow fucker. I mean, I just
threw a fireball underwater. Let's not let's start start questioning the physics of all
this. I'm gonna kill your ass and then I'm gonna kill it again.
All right, the shark does your does your sword threaten I think we've determined
in the past it didn't, But yeah, it seems overpowered if we let
it take a tack of opportunity, all right, it swims up and over
what's going on and comes down on this side to go after you. Cal
lovely does a fifteen hit you? It does not. All right, It's
a bite, but its teeth close upon nothing. Jorcer, who could be
helpful of this battle, is instead, you know, pounding away at the
at the corell going oh my, this chiefs. What a sudden and unexpected
departure from the usual jorcerer. We know how different. Truly it's doing its
best. Has happened to the keystone of our party, the foundation upon which
we are all built, I mean, for the purposes of audience interaction.
Yeah, sadly accurate. This crocodile manages to grab hold of Heywood and he
starts to try to drag him back with him. Cal you can take an
op attack. It doesn't take a lot. It's just doesn't take a lot
of effort for him to do this because he's a large crocodile and it is
a small tuna. That is a twenty. That's a that's a dirty twenty.
All right, six damage just sort of record. The less would have
applied for that too, Oh yep, but it probably didn't matter. No,
all right, he only goes. His speed is kind of half since
he is dragging the tuna, but he doesn't manage to our Guardomars or guardom
Alphon's face screams, don't fuck it up this time. Don't you let them
kill you? All right? So? Oh, just being underwater, slow
me down, Slow down my movement at all? Or do I I still
have my full movement? It could be mistaken. I think swim speed is
half unless you have a swim speed. Yeah it's half. Okay, Well
then I can't get to that. I can move upward and punch a shark.
God intended, and then yeah, I'll punch the shark, and then
I'll fire off two radiant sunbolts at the crocodile that's dragging the fish away.
All right, go for it. That's a seven, which probably won't punch
a shark. Nope, wait D four? Oh yeah, even with a
D four And first radiant sunbolt is a twenty three and does a fifteen hit?
Or do I need to add the D four? You hit him both
times, so I fire off two blasts of sunshine for a total of eleven
points of damage. You fry him pretty good. I mean it wasn't.
I mean he was. He's a crocodile, so he's not looking that good
to begin with, but he's looking less good. Drop the two una,
and now I'm standing next to a shark. Yeah, standing next to a
shark. Crocodile's turn as the big one floats in, little man and tries
to bite you. But I assume an eleven missus? You cal yes,
and eleven missus? All right, now it's your turn. All right,
we're gonna take a swipe at the shark he's annoying. That is a NAT
twenty, all right, you grit the shark sixteen damage chunk, ah,
come on, fucking gill fish too many like teeth and stuff. Give us
go away? For sure? You called him a guilt fish, and I
was really picturing that the fish. It's very mad. You don't call him
more alice, that's yours. Yeah, that's that's a turnout. Don't think
he's gonna move. All right, hey one once again tries to escape,
and unsurprisingly he doesn't. Shit, I forgot this escaped? Whoops? All
right, Stan, you are up? Can't Nobody seems to be worrying about
me too much, So let's see if I can help the tuner out.
And they're taking a part shop with the short boat. Bloop twenty two.
All right, that's a hit seven pissing damage that finishes off the crocodile.
Ah, what's again, hey, would is free? I get to eat
all the cooked boots, swim this wage. You're brownie away from the crocodile.
Fucking it is? Well, in all fairness, he came with you
when when you started this fight, and you're kind of the run who abandoned
them in our defense? We know we're idiots. I did just assume that
away from the crocodiles was just sort of like natural strategy for a small fish.
But he hasn't had a chance. He's been He's been in a crocodile
about since the beginning of this fight. Man, that's true. Does seck
all right? Metallic as am? Would you like? Would you too like
to blame the four fish for things beyond his Absolutely no metallicism. Is just
trying to survive at this point. He doesn't care whose fault anything is,
despite nothing having touched you. Uh yeah, so far. I'm the mage.
I understand how short of a path that is? All right? Um?
Justice stor actually can I can it stab the crocodile from where it is?
Or does it need to move? It has movement if needed. I'm
no yours within range? That crocodile is pretty freaking large. Okay, then
it will just as slash the giant crocodile twenty four I'm guessing hits that hits
all right, We'll skip the D four eleven four damage all right, solid
hit against the big one, and I will fire a ray of frost at
the shark because I don't like the massive disparity between our speeds. So I'm
gonna try to even that up. A little bit. M fourteen plus a
D four is a sixteen hit. It hits excellent, God damn it one
cold damage regards. Yes, you have slowed the shark, you know,
an underwater creature with a swim seat speed to a point where he's probably twice
as fast as you know. Yeah, I mean a little bit helps.
It's not like I'm doing freaking damage. Need some kind of battery chat or
something. How the constructs work I have, There's gotta be a feat that
can like help on damage I'm getting killed on that. You like an iPhone?
This being unplugged for more day now. If not for blessing the sword,
I would not feel like I was pulling my weight in this fight.
It's okay. At some point we'll come across another slip ship full of slaves
that you can sink and murder. Hey, I saved over half of that.
My total is way better than y'all. You save none. We also
murdered none. I don't know you have like at least twenty five percent responsibility.
I have like twelve and a half first responsibility because I'm three feet high.
If y'all were, you know, better at doing your job. It
was a perfect plan. If we were competent point of this podcast, I
plan to think the ship was perfect. I just assumed, y'all, would
you know, get everybody off by that? Well? I think Jorcer is
probably the only one who was concerned with getting off, and I think he
did the only one of his with a plane, and it works out perfectly
every time for him. Yeah, all right, that is my turn.
All right, face appears from another window, a little closer this time.
You're incompetent, fools. He fires another ray out, and this one it's
the shark, causing it to enlarge. Oh damn it, great, bigger
target. Let's dance, motherfucker. Hey, it's the shark's turn. Let's
see here, cal what's what's good luck for you? Odds are um?
Odds? All right, it is odds coming after you. Al awesome,
bring it toothy. There's a fourteen amount you Nope? All right? The
shark, missus, h huh that's what I thought. Over near the coral.
Let's again, and as your stress continuing to oh my, this fish
has teeth, I'm here, Oh my god, best entrance ever. Okay,
well, Jory, sir, it's your turn. And well you you
saw more all pop out of us, some coral, so you were distracted
and the whole scene just the right size. So you've been busying yourself,
but so long and slippery. I'm happy now back under your control. So
happy, so happy. How is the digital sheet sticky? That's the one
thing I take it. We're underwater, still underwater, yeah, right where
coral and moray eels tend to be. Well, I'm gonna do something fun
one, two, three, or I'm gonna get into the fray because I
missed a bunch of this fight. And uh sorry whoever that is to my
right a thunder wave. I don't think I've done that before, not cast
anything beyond prismatic spray. We're pretty sure. I only learned that I have
these spells recently, not on how to cast them. I'm clicking on.
Oh, I'm so glad. We had that episode where we all made our
characters. Hey, I asked for helping. You all laughed at me.
We thought you would did a bit a comedy writer, of course, laughed
at you. All right, we have a thunderscore sweeps out from each creature
in a fifteen foot cube. So well, God damn it, So that's
pretty much the enemies you end JABRONI awesome. Let's do a constitution save,
which I think is going to be a DC thirteen, and on a failed
save you take two to eight thunder damage and push ten feet away. All
right, okay, I'm back time to time to kill. Is all a
reminder that Cal and Owl get a bump to their saves. Oh god,
that's an eighteen, So I don't think I need to roll it. I
want to roll it to Yeah. Yeah, I'm gonna need to roll it
because that's an eleven plus four is a fifteen. Hey, that's a good
roll. That might make a right, that's a dirty twenty with the with
the blast. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's gonna make a difference because George
rus spell DC should probably be about fourteen or fifteen. Yeah, all right,
the crocodile makes it. The shark does not, so roll two to
eight bob. Oh wait, Heywood makes it, which is really good because
that probably would have killed him otherwise. All right, eleven. That means
Cal and Albo take five. Crocodile. Oddly enough, five was enough to
end its hell Yeah, shark, However, it's kind of wedge between there
and this, so it is not pushed so much forgetting the shark away from
me. Yo fucking morons diving right into another creature's mouth. All right,
Oh, by the way, do I have negative one hit points that I
don't think you do? I shouldn't have enough. Well, that's what it
says on my token there, and god damn it, I don't recall there
being any reason for I mean, you guys actually rested right before this,
and I listened to the I listened to the end of the episode, and
nothing happened oddly enough that that would have brought you to negative one. So
I think you're at fall. He's been fucking a moral for two rounds.
Also is a very strong point. All right, well, all right,
A melee spell attack is just an unarmed strike, right well, I mean
a melee spell attack should have its own its own like you know, to
hit, I mean to hit and damage. Yeah, I think a spell
attack usually means it uses your spell modifier in melee range. Nope, a
melee spell attack follows all the rules of a traditional melee attack. There you
go, okay, cool, Then I'm gonna try to make a melee spell
attack on the shark and then casting flipped wounds on his ass. Dope,
So first I get I try to hit him. Can you use that spell
as a melee That's all it is. It's a it is a melee spell
attack. Okay, I don't think. I don't think you get the benefits
of the spell. End the attack. You do a melee attack and you
do three D ten damage. You don't do you don't get on armed strike
and and that No, the unarmed strike was just to hit. Oh okay,
because that's my melee attack. So it's a fourteen to hit. Okay,
that is does that all right? And then I do three D ten
necrotic damage, so that's nine. All right, it's pretty hard. Then
I've got one punch left. I can make an unarmed strike as a bonus
action, all I guess I can spend a key point and do Floria blows,
so I'll punch him twice more, or an armed strike un armed strike,
Yeah, that's an eight and then an eighteen or the second one.
All right? Get the eighteen hits all right? That deal's five damage.
Cal It is your turn, all right. So the shark's still up m
all right, we're gonna take a swing a shark boy. That's on eleven,
miss miss y plush bust the D four. God, you think i'd
remember it. That's thirteen that hits, that hits all right, Hell yeah,
whoo blast bust and that's nine damage. Hell yeah. That shark is
fish food, Eat it, shark boy, Budge, you say hello to
lava girl? Nice? All right? Cleaned them off a bit. On
Heywood's turn. He looks around, he sees nothing, but he's like,
I'm not taking any chances. He swims into the uh, into the outhouse,
and you lose sight of him. After what the shark said, I'm
not going in there after him. M hm. Stan guess he's not showing
us around the inside of this building. Huh. Probably not. That would
have been a useful thing for him to do. Okay. I didn't really
want to go back out there, what with the sniping wizard. But I
guess somebody has to talk the the fish out of the shitter. It's my
life. I mean, why don't we just wander around and punch everything we
see? I mean, it might be better if the fish is in the
shitter, it's protected. We have an arrangement with his fish and it taking
a ship while we de ordered the heady work wasn't wasn't part of that arrangement.
We may need its expertise. I assume it has some expertise. Why
JABRONI come out of the shitter? You hear you hear his echoing voice,
O, I's got us there. If you don't come out of the shitter
right now, well I'm going home. You can just stay in the shitter.
I'm not drowning here for fishing hides into toilet, be a man or
a fish. You hear Fizzy's voice from inside. He's like, he's like,
shuit are eight. That's a really good idea, damn it, Metallica
Zamu. I will begin moving forward in hopes of getting a better view on
everything, and at half speed, that is the fifteen feet actually can double
move since I don't have an action to use. Yeah, I will.
I'll move to there, and the Justice sword will pretty much stay where it
is. Everybody gave me a p that's a twenty one. Al is so
distracted by Metallica zam walking up to where there may have ever been a fight
that he rolls on that one. On his perception, Cal rolls a twenty
one, being unusually perceptive at the moment. Stan Dandieliver rolls in natural twenty.
The Sorcerer rolls a fifteen metallic Kazam rolls are one zero, or as
you would call it, a ten finder. He uh sees everything enoughing at
the same time. All right, somehow, Alice the only one to miss
this unfortunately. Stand you see it in it's all its glory as the top
level of the tower begins to crumble, as the wall explodes outwards, and
you hear fizzes laugh as he comes out riding the most horrific of sights,
A massive toilet with shark teeth. The fuck? What? What? What?
What? That's not okay? Moments like this, I am sure that
you all need to be purged. The toilet somehow has a shark tail on
it which propels it forward. Buzz This answer to question about where the shark
goes to shit? I really wish I hadn't asked. All right, Well,
two things happen as the shark comes charging in. A ray of frost
comes shooting at you. Stand. I'll assume a seven, missus though,
yes, And the massive teeth of this giant toilet shark come at you?
Does an eighteen hit you? I always knew this is how I die.
Yes, an eighteen does hit me? Bite you? For twenty one points
twenty one? I think it does kill me. No, nearly doesn't kill
you, but I think, well, hopefully it makes you stronger. I'm
not sure that's going to happen. All right, Joser, you just watch
your friend. You know, you know in Soviet Russia, toilet shits on
you. And this is not what I wanted my turn to be. Ah,
let's see what is effective against toilets. Show us one of those new
jucer spells. Oh that's that's it. I can clog it. Oh no,
all right, I will, man, this is probably a stupid idea.
I will cast web at it. You know, I'm not gonna ask
what that web's made of, or why he has to lift his robe to
cost it. Oh god, he contro a matchup thick sticky webbing. Oh
my en of that will clock a toilet? All right, all right,
all right, George Jorcer, you have to pick a one square inside the
shark. Go day you feel, yeah, right right in the dead center,
okay, dead center the butt Well, okay, so that's it.
This web become fills a twenty foot cube that will hits. Uh well,
fizz the toilet shark and cal you and stan god damn it. All right,
the webs are difficult to rain. I just got here. It's in
my hair. It's like sticky and shit. I don't oh, I don't
like this man, I feel so funky. All right. If you start
your turn in the Enjorcerer's web, you must you must make a dexterity save
DC thirteen. Otherwise you are restrained, which means you can't move. All
right. Well, there's right, let's see if I If so you can
make a strength check you know, against the thirteen and to move all right.
Oh, and the webs. The webs are flammable. You know something,
script, it's magic. The webs are flammable. M great, okay,
So if you are restrained, your speed becomes zero. Um attack rolls
against you have advantage, and you have disadvantage on Dick's dirty saving throws.
All right, geor sur um. Well let's see here here're not starting your
your turning it, but you are kind of in it. What um you
know something? Since you cast it and it hits you. I'll say,
you can make a dexterity save right now. Oh I cast the web on
myself. Yes you did? All right, I feel a little less guilty
about the other people, are I? Sincerely? Oh? Your sword is
your sword is a sort is spectral? Okay, all right, get dexterity
save, you said, yeah, seven? All right, so you are
rested. You are restrained. All right, Well let's backfired, all right,
Alphonse, you are nut. You are not in it, and we're
gonna try to keep it that way. I'm gonna throw my other hand acts
and then I'm gonna spend my last keep point to fire off two more Radiant
sun bolts. So that is who are you going after? Who are you
going after? The toilet shark orphiz fizz all right, so that's a seventeen.
So that's a twenty one with the throne hand acs Hell, yeah,
that hits him. O. Yeah. The first Radiant sun Bolt is a
twenty two and the second Radiant sun Bolt is a thirteen. Damn you max
rolled on all those d fourth, Dude, do you not get advantage because
it's in a web? Actually, well not not this round, because yea,
they have they have to start their round to get advantage. Bomber,
it's almost useful. You're actually the only one is restrained right now. Nice,
So let all of those still do hit all of them hit, all
right? So the thrown a handecks will deal three slashing, the first sun
bolt will deal seven, and the next sun bolt will deal seven. So
that's seventeen points of damage to fizz fuck cal I will need a dexterity.
See that's that's a five. So no restraint. You are restrained. You're
webbed up in a small price to pay. No, this is a pretty
big price to pay. I was gonna go heal our friend, but now
I'm fucking stock. Thanks. This is the most of most wondrous fluid you've
seen. No, no, it's not. I don't want either his wonder
or his fluid on me. Throw distant magic that ballads definitely have, right
Nope, I I know, yep, I'm stuck. Do you think I
got nothing I can do right now? Well, actually you're stuck. You
can actually do a strength check to see if you can get out. Okay,
all right, let's do that. Then? Do I get to do
that? All? Of course? Do I get the defour on that or
is that only for saves a tax and save? All right? Okay,
cool, that is a seventeen on the strength check all right, that frees
you, but that also uses up your actions. Yeahs do you? Does
he have movement? Oh? Yeah you do. Yeah, that doesn't use
up your movement. A right, cow's gonna your cowl's gonna move over here
too. It's different. And you're already at half speed because under water,
right, because you might be able to get out of the webbing. I
was trying to get between Stan and the shark. I believe you. I
believe you. Uh, your normal speed is one thirty, so fifteen I
mean half to be seven point five. It's round up, so you can
move two squares, all right, So one squares doing weird things, all
right, that's I think that. I think you can do that. He's
right up with the shark. Now. Oh it's better than I thought you
would have. Get it, buddy, Come on, shark man, leave
my friend alone, all right? You hear an equity voice from inside the
like you know, the outhouse. I told you so, and stand it
is your turn. Give me a dexte. I wish I wish i'd killed
that fucking fish twenty you are nut restrained. Good um, great deal,
I can do here. I will point out that you are in its threatened
range. So if you do move okay, I will. If I can
move forward and replace my bow for my rapier, I will do so you
can, and I also will take a poke at the giant toilet beast poke
for an eight no pok. Oh, well, well tellicasam you you have
witnessed your story, take a bad situation and unsurprisingly make it worse. It
is his gift, all right, that is yet to be seen. Easily
have the twenty feet for the justice slash to move up and give it the
old slicer rooney, Oh not twenty uh so eleven plus seven eighteen points of
force damage? Damn you take a good chunk out of it, and for
my second trick ten points restored to stay in dand deliver here and I will
begin to move out of the way. All right, mister fizz, All
right, he makes his decks, he kiss a spell, but then immediately
starts starts swimming off. Kill it, my my faithful toilet, or kill
them. Let's see here, the toilet shark. What is its decks?
It is stuck, but it doesn't really need to go anywhere since it has
three of you, well two of you here, you know, Stan,
I'm gonna ask you what's what's uh? You're good and let me see her.
That rules against all right, it has disadvantage against you. Just literally
we have advantage against it for the next round. Yeah, hell yeah,
because it's not it's not smart enough the power itself free because it's a fucking
toilet. It's a real shit head, Stan, what's what's what's good luck
for you? Odds or evens? Odds? Evens tales never fails when it
does toilet shark turn it's it's gotten a taste of high class and it wants
more. Does a sixteen hit you? Actually? With my defensive duelist feet
it might not, but I will have to remember what my defensive due list
feat hits saying the sec that would be a good time to not be hit.
Yeah, oh wow, that's a that's a very good one to have,
Steve. It is, But is it good enough if you're adding your
proficiency to your ac I imagine because we're level four, so that should be
what plus oh plus two? And he takes me up to sixteen so it
still hits. I'm glad we clarified that. All right, it bites you
for twenty seven okay, I'm way down you Are you out or still conscious?
Got out? All right? Let's see if it's if it manages to
grapple you as it's chewing on you, can't imagine there'll be much resistance,
given how dead iye am right now. Yeah, you don't get a bonus
to your ac or anything like that, or a dex bonus. So if
a fourteen hits you, you are currently in its mouth and it is chewing
on you, preparing to swallow you down its gullet of sorts, They says,
an unattractive way together, your sir, your friend is about to be
flushed. All right. Um, let's see all right, got an idea
that's probably not good. Um, is he inside the toilet? He's in
its mouth? I mean it's he hasn't been swallowed yet, so I mean
you can plainly see him all right? This How big is this toilet creature?
About thirty feet? All right? So it does? All right?
So I can fire a firebolt? Can I? Well? No, not
a part of it. That's not if it's mouth. Okay, Let's say,
say, if you if you fumble this, there's a good chance you're
going to hit them. But but under normal circumstances, this thing is easily
large enough to to not hit him. He's still in the webbing. Okay,
um, yeah, y'all are still in the webbing. Oh oh oh
yeah, Actually, Joyce, Ray, do you need the deck safe?
All right? Okay, if you know it's a fundamental bit of information.
Rick and pied about the webbing earlier. Yeah, just a real keystone,
very much, you remember, But I mean I'm counting on that. Oh
no, but I mean I just eighteen all right. You are nuts.
You were not caught in your own webs. It's just gonna be now,
why Wall, It's gonna be you and your sword peal. The wording of
the webbing spell the webs are flammable. Any five foot cube of webs exposed
to fire burns away in one round. Now that doesn't mean the entire thing
goes up in flames. Correct, No, it does not. Yeah,
that's that's what I was hoping for before. Um stand bit it. But
um yeah, now that that's not the case. Here is how this is
gonna work. So you make an attack roll. If you hit, you
can choose the square. If you miss, we'll roll for the square if
you get. If you fumble, gonna be really bad for stand. Um
yeah, well let's roll those dice. I like those odds. Yeah,
never told me the odds spell firebolt twenty one. Hell yeah, all right,
pick pick a pick the square whatever, I pick a not stand square,
we'll say stands there. So all right then uh, all right,
I'll go up in the corner upper decade. All right, so you you
hit, so do damage with the firebolt, because you're also damaging it.
One do you one? But that section of webb is on fire. All
right, So that's two D two D four correct and it's turned. Oh
all right, all right, um now that I'm I'm not um tangled up
in my own I am webbing. I'll uh, I'll go hang out over
here next whoever that is, it's your your movement is half and uh and
you're it's difficult to rain, so you still you can only with your normal
speed. I'm probably thirty two squares. Look on your character sheet, what
isn't mean you have a running it's blank? What? What? What race
is human? Okay? So yes, that's so that will that will that
will give you two squares a movement. Yes, and now I have a
speed iet just entered it. Now that that moves you out. That's fine,
Alphonse, Oh, Alphons is going to turn invisible, all right?
And I saw ship head jump off of the toilet and start running in a
direction, right, Uh yeah, I'd say, I'd say, Okay,
then, since I'm invisible for the next hour, I'm gonna run around the
pile of jeorcerer webbing and chase after the chase after what's as fuck? So
my normal movement speed is thirty five feet so half I mean, rounded that
up would be twenty and can get to there all right and not be in
jeorcerers leavings. Okay, all right, yeah, all right, cal give
me a deck save thirteen. You are not restrained. All right. We're
gonna drop an attack on this shark to thing. Do this I haven't,
David, I have an advantage, yeah, because it's yes, roll that
advantage in the D four, but not hit that hits all right? Hell
yeah, all right, First we're gonna roll damage. It's a toilet,
it's not hard to hit. And we're gonna drop a divine smite on this
thing that is for eight. Uh, that's twelve twelve total, of course.
Slashing an eight radiant all right, you crack a few of its teeth.
Bite me, you fucking flush bench Stan. I will need a death
save. Oh wait, hold on, I have a bonus actual Okay?
Can I reach Stan and heal him? Crazy too far away from me?
Lay on hands, Lay on hands. You can't do as a bonus special
Okay, I couldn't. I couldn't remember. I'm not sure I want to
be conscious for this anyway. All right, death says eight. That is
one failed. That's ave. Metallica is am okay, uh? Perfect move
to hear justice slash shall take its stabbing with advantage and an extra D four
because it's gonna need it does a fourteen hit. It hits all right,
five points of forced damage and probably more importantly, you're not getting as nice
of one this time, buddy, but just for you, five hit points
are stored to stand dandy liver. All right, you wake up in the
worst possible locations, in the mouth of a killer toilet. Hooray, I'm
alive. Oh God, oh God, why oh God? Kill me?
Who would do this? Who would bring me back to this. I can't
imagine Hell would be worst than this. I'm willing to find out. All
right, is that your tournament at Alicazam? That is it. I've used
every action I can. All right, Let's see if this is uh stuck.
Since he is still in it, he is stuck. Let's see if
he makes a strength. He manages the power out engine to move, and
I think that takes him out of it. Finally he swims or scuttles for
his life. The toilet shark this toilet he swilet a hole? All right?
Does the toilet chart take damage first? True? Yes? Roll up
that damage? All right? Four? All right, but that the fire
burns out and that section of the web is gone. The toilet chart made
it safe. So it is not restrained in bite me, you bitch.
Well, it still has us stan grappled. It is gonna try to swallow
stand. This is a ignore any damage on this. This is just to
see if it manages to swallow you. I assue with twenty two hits.
Stand, yes it does. You begin swirling down and down and down into
the darkness. You're doing a good job. Keep them distracted. The bad
news buddy, I need line of sight for healing words. You no longer
see stand. Yeah, you're on your own from here on. Good news
is you won't drown. Bad news is you won't drown. All right,
your serer, you are no longer in your own web of deceit. All
right, Well, Stan should be protected from flames, so I will cast
another firebolt considering porcelain. That is a reasonable just just putting it out there
that for once, I'm not the one throwing fire at members of the party,
quite true. Alright, shit too? Um do you want me to
point out where it goes? Yes, all right, i'll either it's one
more upper deck, not directly on the stand, token st stand is inside,
so I understand. But I mean that looks like a big fuck you,
which is not my intention. Definitely doesn't feel like he's cheering for stand.
Okay, all your friends are well, casting fire underwater and all sorts
of interesting. I'm gonna keep chasing what's his fuck? So twenty I can
go twenty feet twice, all right? So first move we'll get me to
hear and and the next twenty you'll get me to there. All right,
coming for you, fizzy bitch, coming for you. All right, cal
give me a a deck save. It's a concentration thing, so technically you
could get rid of it. George sort just saying, but Cal, you
needed I've got the toilet, right, that's a nineteen. All right?
You were not restrained neither, is it? All right? Bob sounds like
me on Taco night. All right? Rolling an attack that's hitchen at the
blasts. That's fourteen. That hits all right, that's eight slashing, and
we're dropping another divine smite on this bitch. That is sixteen total shit.
Just to keep an eye out, Just keep an eye on how many eyes
divince might you have? I I have one left after this? All right?
Well it is still kicking, ah fucker. All right, Stan you
take five crushing damage or or swirly damage, I am dead again? Well
put it zero. Zero is not unconscious though, is it? Yeah?
I think zero was like barely conscious. Yeah, I feel at this point
is this kind of neither handle there? Well, it allows you to like
do a potion or some sort of action to that'd be great about a potion,
given the way your day's going. Better to just be unconscious. He
smashed your own had against it for that extra point. You are not unconscious
yet wonderful, I get to see what's coming more suffering. Do you have
any healing potions? There is no web down where you are free to stop
to any sort of shop or anything. Yet did anybody else stuck by a
store? I couldn't remember. If we're not given nothing that would help,
you've been given shit except this toilet monthst we all hide our supply of healing
potions, stan Stan, You're gonna come out of this like Shawshank redemption.
Yeah, you're you're gonna be the tidy bowl stand. Not a lot of
good things happen to demand and show us Hank with the emp shit, Betton,
I'm at the end when he crossed through the river or shit. You
know the great thing about crawling through a river a ship to get out of
prison. You're out of prison. You know the terrible thing about crawling through
a river a ship to get out of prison. You're crawling through a river
a ship. Yeah, but I mean you're in the water. You can
you can scrub off, Yeah, yeah, you're even Yeah. Oh that
dude has it was rain you got You don't know if he used this toilet
or not. Before he transformed into a harbor monster. I know, because
that would make it more horrific. Your day is looking brighter and brighter.
Stan, You are able to attack though, okay, Brandy Shmi Rapia and
from Hell's fought, I stab at V eighteen. It's kind of hard to
miss from inside. She be able to get like sneak attack damage from this
being inside this thing. Hey cows within five the mechanics of that seven all
right, and you from truly Hell's heart, you stab at the all right?
How fucked up is this thing looking so fucking it was looking fucked up
from the sty in toilet. It's a fifteen foot tall toilet with teeth.
It looks kind of scuffed. Okay, and that brings us to Metallicazam.
All Right, we're gonna open with a Justice slash and definitely gonna need the
D four onto that eleven does a fourteen hit. It does excellent eleven points
of four damage. That's a big hit, and um god, Metallica Zam,
I'm just gonna try to beat his own terrible role uh and and try
and hit with a fire bolt twenty five to hit. Yeah, that's that's
not the problem. Party five fire damage. You know what, it's the
best fucking damage metallic has dam has rolled for himself all night. And isn't
that what what Bob's doing? Because if so, then you can pick a
square that burning. I will pick this square the toilet paper, all right,
stand doesn't even get to wipe. His retreats to a corner. And
let's see if he does anything. Nope, he doesn't do anything. Let's
see the toilet shark. Both of you rolled two D four for damage for
me for five for me the fire up here, Since that that burns out,
all right, not insignificant, and it is still restrained. However,
now that it has swallowed cow, it is free to attack. I'm sorry,
he's another swallowed standard is free to attack. You cal excellent, bring
it on, But it only hits a twelve. Nah, spit my friend
out, bitch M all right, George M fireball dead center. Well,
let's see, let's roll the first. I'm twenty one. I'm gonna say,
now, if you're throwing fireball, is that it a not twenty?
Is essentially hitting like you know, hitting the exhaust port on the on the
death star. I didn't quite get there. Nope, it's at the anus.
No, that means it's going it's going down the center. Oh,
well, that hits Dan a possible. Luckily he did in that twenty Yeah,
got a five. All Right, it's not looking too good. A
lot of the teeth are cracked. You know. It's not as lively as
it was digesting anything else. U georsmer uh No, I'm gonna hang out
where I am. I'm pretty happy here, all right, alphons to you.
All right, I'm gonna keep running after shiitead. Looks like twenty feet
will get me. That should put me to a place where I can punch
this asshole. It does, then I'm gonna punch this asshole. Go ahead,
I'm probably gonna miss this asshole. Ten yep, you miss you know
it's your your Your hand just goes right through the water and missus. Yeah,
but I believe. Yeah, I can make an unarmed strike as a
bonus action, so I can take another swing with a that one. Roll
another D twenty eighteen on that one. All right, you manage not to
punch yourself. Oh and I guess my invisibility is probably over now. Ah,
Yes, where the fuck did you come from? Y'all? Nightmare as
motherfucker surrender and I won't kill you. Cal. It is your turn first,
give me a deck safe all right, that's fifteen, all right,
you have advantage against it, all right, Canna come up and take a
swing at this fucker. That's a twenty one that hits all right, that
is eleven slashing, and we are rolling burning our last divine smite on this
guy. That is ten. So that's twenty one damage, eleven slashing and
ten radiant. Really not looking, go fucker dumbing smoting. This looks like
a toilet right before bathroom right now that my friend go bitch. All right,
Stan, I will since it happens kind of simultaneous, I would let
you take an attack right before you take two points of damage and send you
into the darkness of Davy Jones sewer. Alright, one last pike, sixteen
ten pacing damage. Cal, You watch as the crack forms in the middle
of the toilet shark Yeah, porcelain shatters, revealing an unconscious the strangest and
most unconscious of floaters. Stand shit, man, he's alive. Well literally,
I mean I hope so or something. Somebody heal him. Metallica is
am oh man, you know what, buddy, you earned this one seven
points from healing word. All turned out just fine. Stan Danieliver will awake
with a justified scream. I had the strangest nightmare. Oh fuck, oh
a lifetime of trauma. Nope, jorcerers, real that wasn't a nightmare,
all right. As we reach Fizz's turn, he looks at he looks at
you, Alan, he realizes he's quartered, and with that he brandishes the
wand that he has. He's like, you think you won, you think
you think you did well, I'll turn myself into something worse than that creature
you'll see. You'll see, and he points it at himself. There's a
blast of magic, and Fizz screams as his body starts to bubble and mutate.
Huh. And as it mutates, it expands, and a few moments
later you find yourself face to face with a horrendous pile of glop. You
know you just want a toilet bowl. Now here's the diarrhea. And I
think that will well, Fizz, I think that's an improvement, and I
think that will bring us to uh the end of this evening's encounter. Whoa,
hey, we we didn't lose any party members or our fish. Yet
we might yet. Yeah, I'm in some deep shit over here. New
big fight coming up next week, and I'm all out of mites. Yeah,
I'm all out of key points, and I'm all out of will to
live. Unfortunately, I'm all out of time, So I think I think
that will be the end of this, uh, this episode of Salty Bastards.
Thank you all for your patience and waiting for us to come back,
and I hope this has been an enjoyable um experience for those of you not
to stuck inside a giant toilet until until next time. Friends, Fine Authors
and Dragons is brought to under Creative Commons License, meaning you are free to
share this conterium so long as credit is given to those who created it,
which is us, the people you just started to play. The game opening
and closing themes performed by the gore Core four hops on