My name is Teresa Glover. I'm the author of the Caitlin Kelly Munster Hunter
series with Falstaff Books and also an editor at Falstaff Books. In UM the
Game, I play Baroness LATAs Munbrook, who has rarely met anyone UM worthy
of her notice. And yeah, she's pretty much as observant as I am
when it comes to the mic mute button. I am Ju d Black.
I play Gigi Um. I write dungeons and Dragons, stuff and books and
it's Monday, That's all I got. I'm Missy Massey. I play Malibu,
the ever cheerful, sun drenched cleric who just wants a party whereever she
goes and a chance to make Silas Kane face justice in real life. On
the author of the Madchestral series of pirate fantasy adventures, and I edit for
Falstaff, Lord Seekers Press and Mocham Memoirs. You can find me on my
site Missy Massey dot com and on Facebook, Twitter and the Tikie Tuckies.
Hey everybody, I am Emily. I write under E. M. Kaplan.
I play Claudia, the rogue ish type person. As far as books,
I have two audio books that landed almost at the same time. Oddly
enough, I have my Josie Tucker number five book, The Blue Cover,
which is Baby at the Dead Outside, And then and then my rom com
which is a standalone for now just came out. It's narrated by Aaron slash
Tiggy, who's a fan of the podcast. You can find me on Amazon
or just the mwords dot com. And I guess that just leaves me the
admiral of this asshole Armada. It is I R. E. Car long
suffering, author of the Rules Undying series, which is backup on Amazon after
a brief hiccup never happened. When I'm not doing that, I am slumming
it with the one the Only Silas Kane, Rick Wall Terry writing the False
Icon series, of which the fourth book, Deviant Dark Dryads, is reaching
its epic conclusion and should be available soon. My latest release from Falstaff Press,
The Accidental Summoner, is available there and at Amazon and wherever unfined books
are sold. You can find me at rachel Ecar dot com because Rachel Carr
wrote vegan cookbooks and she got there first. Wait did you say unfined books?
She did? Yes, Yes, I did have a course of course,
unrefined. It's got a demon who was summoned by a burrito. The
villain is literally a shit demon who may or may not have been inspired by
a tank in a previous life when I played certain games online, just saying
all right, sorry, my cat is on the desk and it's going to
be very distracted. It's okay. The assistant DM Tsunami is right next to
the computer and at any time could appear. It's like waiting to happen.
Gasp. So when last we left our Intrepid adventurers, if I'm not thinking,
I was screaming. So I'm not gonna go with you everything. It's
fine. This time I was about to say definitely not fine, depends on
how drunk you are. It's so not. By the way, Polly is
still being held by the Human Resources Investigation Asian and there has been a second
subpoena served for the offending of the fantastical paternity food. So dang, who
knows how long she is going to be tied up in court? I mean,
anyone can be tied up in court if the judge is kinky enough.
Wow. But yes, the last thing that you have witnessed is oh,
is that the lovely statue of the Bringer of the Dawn, the Goddess of
Light, Sharonay. Because we don't want to be fooed tumbling into the briny
deep as a wave of the great and mighty Bruise magic slammed into the main
part of the Temple of Sharon Ey. Because we don't want to be sued,
or do we? And I mean, I'm kind of good with it.
Let's try it and see what happens. You just want to be tied
up in court. That's a different podcast. Don't threaten me with a good
time anyway. So let me pull up our lovely Yeah, you have managed
to destroy one of the magical targets. It has fallen into pieces that contains
the locking mechanism to get to the hideaway of the Cult of the Bruskies.
Also just north, which you can't see. You're gonna have to use your
imaginations, but up to the north is where the brunami missed this beer garden.
Although there is a lovely, foamy, frothy splashing now happening in various
places, the gardens partially on fire thanks to Gigi. You're welcome. Future
Kittie is still hanging around, and Claudia's expected to deliver a symposium on the
use of layers to prevent vomit on your clothing. Everyone has water breathing currently,
except for the people who are actually drowning. Up to the north,
we are at Malibu's turn. You have just witnessed this and screamed, what
do you do next? Um, I can't get I can't get over it.
Can I get over the wall to them? That depends? That would
be another map ball. I know, I don't know what you're talking about
us your imagination. The map keeps going. Okay, there's a lovely hedge,
and then there's a beach. It's a very sandy beach. It's a
golden stand, not too light, not too darter box right, okay,
the litter box as explained, beware of where you step. And then there's
some shallows and it goes off and to the north there is a little bridge
to an island. Whip the tower that has gone splute into the beer water.
I mean it's now American beer. Let's face it, it's half water,
half beer. Okay, I'm going to attempt to bounce over the hedge
wallb thing that I'm stuck behind so that I can get to to my my
friends who are chained up and drowning, because I just don't feel drunk anymore.
Give me an athletics, athletic athletic that starts within a right, I
think so in most languages, yes, with a sixteen, you can successfully
bounce yourself over a wall. So just move yourself into the little black square.
Okay, I'm in the black square. Imagination, Imagine I'm not in
the black square. I'm market. It's just beach. Yes, imagine,
imagine it's kind knows that it's a Floridian esque beach. I mean it's got
a bunch of drunk people next to the shore. Um goes without saying,
Hey, do that you said Florida. No, she won't. Is there
anything else you'd like to do? Um? Yeah, actually, um,
I'm going to I'm going to pull a blade. What I was looking at
my my uh stuff to see you had a staff. Oh, I got
a staff and a skit, a mace, and I got all sorts of
ship but um, not not very sharp things, mostly fluctioning things. And
I have crossbow bolts because I have a crossbow. So I'm gonna pull out
a crossbow bolt and see if I can break my bubble. What describe what
you do, please, I'm pulling out a crossbow bolt, and um,
I'm I'm okay, I'm not I'm not secured in this bubble, right,
I'm just a little loose object bouncing around inside the ball. Yes, think
hamster in. Okay, then I'm then I am going since I bounced over
and I'm on the beach. Um, I'm just gonna shove the bolt,
the pointy end of the crossbow bolt, straight down into the into the bubble
where it's touching the ground. So you're poking. Yeah, nothing happened,
tang it. I mean it's kind of like you know when when you push
against something and it stretches thin and it gets thinner and thinner and thinner,
like you're kind of pushing through like slime or bubble gum. Yeah, but
it doesn't break, not quite, so givvey tang it. Okay. Yeah,
it's more like it formed a condom upon your inside a condom, your
crosser bolt would be very safe. I don't want to be safe. Everyone
wants to be safe. That's your calamity. Jane's ps. Okay, so
I'm done. I will pass it on Ella, Ella, Ella, Hey,
hey, what are you doing lady? Uh? If I just so
you know from where you're at, the target's been. This target has been
shattered into five pieces. Oh yeah, and you have all sorts of flight
curses and nonsense on you, Ella, I only have one. Um okay,
So which target again was shattered? The one French and a child?
No, I was not a child. I was just French physically a child.
That's sorry. I was physically a child. Yeah, you're physically a
child. But aren't you still French? Yeah? I haven't gotten there yet.
I'm not answering at the moment in an in character. So I'm just
trying to figure out where the hell I left off. Yes, I do
believe you, Afterel. You're a French child now and when Ella speaks she
will sound like one. But at the moment, if perib um okay,
so this ah, there's not a little pinnything. I would concern it more
explicitly, but the assistant DM is laying across the DM's notes. Do I
still have the crossbow bowl, the magical one? Because I do not see
that in the know there are no there are no currently but there is another
row of there is another row of shot. There's the row of shot glasses,
and there is more alcohol to pour in the magical shot glasses. Wonder
momental or favor? I want to see if wrong accent? Yeah? Um,
okay, I don't have anything that's gonna help me. She's in eight
right, Yeah, she's in the eight year old body. Yes, that
is correct. Well shit, okay, So I can't think of anything at
the moment to do, so like an eight year old, I'll just throw
a tantrum. I will throw myself on the ground and kick and scream and
beat the ground and say no, it's no fan, there's no face,
no fair and yes to note for the people observing. Ella apparently has turned
into her eight year old braddy self in mind as well as body. Well,
you've given me the body of a child, so why not week that's
fair? Why not indeed anything else? No, go ahead, to turn
and it will be Claudia Barren Lee Harbor. Okay, So I remember that
Claudia's bare ears got singe, so in her outer layer also did too,
so she had to strip that. Yes, you have lost the I believe
that was the tavern made outfit, right, I might, but you have
red panda ears and a tail just growing out of you. Naturally, does
tantraming Ella have an arrow? No, there are more um shot glasses,
and there's more alcohol. Is that like over here by Ella? Yeah,
there's alcohol everywhere. There's like jugs at your table. There's kegs in the
middle of the firestorm. There are kegs down here at the bottom, all
full of the magical brew. The shot glasses, though that seem to summon
the bolts are here, Okay, on this table. She's gonna go over
here by the table, dragging her feet and slumping her shoulders, going,
oh God, blessom. Okay, I know, I know what. Okay,
a shot? Who shot? You? Fill into a shot? Roll
your D one hundred, Please not that I have a table, and make
a constitution save okay, so sixty four and con save to twenty two.
Oh, you're perfectly fu You were actually less intoxicated than you were when you
started. It's the whining. Whining keeps you sober. Anytime you see a
bear, you must dance for one. D three turns a bear. Anytime
you see a bear, well, you must dance for one. That seems
natural. Yeah, yeah, you don't feel like anything's actually changed. Okay,
I'm pretty happy, but did and you have a bowl keep your hands
now, Okay, that's awesome. Keep in mind you are currently not behind
the sparkly line. Oh okay, um, is that all she can do
for this turn? Yes, because you had to move to get there,
and you you did specify you were sulking. Yeah. No longer on fire
though, mall, mall bonus o fief not okay. Okay, So I'm
going to skitchy over here, and I am going to look at the dead
fool over here. He's still a dead fool and say, Vonjeal, get
up. We have black to do, and I am going to raise the
dead. Okay, look, that's a perfectly good corpse, perfectly good flaming
corpse. Yeah, that's that. I am being reuse, reduced, reanimate.
The environmental is a freaking T shirt if I ever. Oh yeah,
that's that's a some there, it is. Okay, let's just go ahead
and put that. Okay, I am animating the dead. It is going
to take your entire turn. That's that's that's actually takes ten doesn't it one
minute? That's ten turns isn't it? Yeah, so you I don't know
if I want to commit. How good of a body does this look like?
How charred is this? Well? He was formerly a member of the
Holy Cross of Fitness. Now he's on fire and scorch. Probably this is
the one with the good app No, this isn't good buns. No,
that that's the good ass is the buds, the light the Paladin? Okay,
this guy here, I have to see it. Oh, I don't
like sinking. I mean you can. You could start animating it and you
would have it for a day. I know, but there's a lot going
on to stand here for ten turns? Isn't it awful? Reading? Awful?
When the wizard doesn't read but she doesn't like droid. I will give
you one minute, any hum one minute of real time to change your action.
Or if I'm committing to you starting to raise the dead, give me
another option. Everyone's singing the Jeopardy female. Okay, I'm going I'm going
to raise the dead. I'm going to get up. You have committed to
raising the dead. You are on turn one. Please keep track of it
because the Lord knows I have adhd and wan. Alrighty, then are you
done? Would you like to hit end of terms and then call up past
this long ast spell when you're the one who put it there for me?
Malibu, you have bounced onto the litter box, I mean beach. Wait,
how is it me again? Okay, I'm on. I know I
was hoping maybe it would take longer. Um, So can can I throw
spells out side of the ball or anything? Up the She's the one who
blew up the you blew up? Did? Yes? So? Okay?
So I can throw spells. My spell effects will go outside the ball?
Okay? Um? How far am I away from the close? Magic?
It's magic permeable. You haven't tried non magic? Well you've learned that it's
non magically not impermeable does not stop magic. This this is yeah. So
don't screw a genie, you know, well you can if you want to,
but it will not protect you from genie. Sounding like an interesting thought
because there's a movie starring Idris Elba and he's a genie. Note to yourself,
put genie who looks like Adris Elba in upcoming epithet. Yeah here I'm
picturing blue sperm. But no, no, no, no, no,
Now you're on the beach people are dying, and we're thinking about Idris Elba.
It's Monday, when am I not the only time I'm not thinking about
Edriselbas when I'm thinking about Henry Cavill. So you know the one anyway,
don't too self? Have other genie who looks like Henry cavill on other side,
my Mala, who's choice Malibu can't breathe so um anyway? But so
how permeable that barrier? That's not what I mean? How close am I
to the nearest poor chained person? Well, the towers on a it's on
a island that is over a kilometer away from y'all that has fallen like you're
staring over the horizon. But the luckily the tower did fall y'all's way.
No, wouldn't because the prunami went at this angle. Sorry, physics gotta
gotta adjust, so it would have fallen at a forty five God, why
are you making me do math? Okay? And I have a I have
a question. Then how on earth did I see the poor chained people looking
at me soulfully from a kilometer away? They should have been because infects,
bubble enhances zooms. No, no, stop helping her half kilometer. It's
a zombble. The zoom and enhanced lens on your bubble. That's how you're
really checking that butt out, man, damn it. Okay, how fine,
I'm I'm going to attempt to bounce over the water toward the people that
need help, because sure it looks like a good idea. I'm probably still
drunk, so I mean, technically, well, we'll do it. I'll
give you a slight break. I will say it would take ten turns of
bouncing to get in range of spells of them, which is conveniently the same
amount of time it would beg for animate dead. And are you having a
multiple round pantrum? La? Of course? I mean, first of all,
I was denly We're just gonna have pla hold up because I was doing
my thing and then Misty broke my target and I just need to have these
feels. You do you? And I owe you these feels? You can
have all of them. I'm sorry, we'll say the target. There are
still five substantially large pieces of the target. Okay, And is my bouncing
going to Is that it for me? Should I hit pit the button?
Yes? You have you have you got nine turns of bouncing. Okay,
come, I hit the button. So I'm letting the people who are not
doing so and so Ella and Claudia, we're just gonna go back and forth
between you two for a bit of what you're doing. Nine you do have
you have a bolt? Yeah, that's true. I'm also knowing if there
are any reflective surfaces around me. Well, there's beer I need glimmering in
the fire. It's magical beer. So there is the armored ass of Bud,
the light and the rest of his armor. But I can see my
reflection in your ass. Yes, he does have exceptionally shiny armor, and
he has moved a bit since he has a turns, I'm gonna see what's
going on. So, yes, the firelight glints, he's got palletted armor.
It's shiny. He's got a shiny hiny Okay, okay, okay.
So she realizes that she has a bolt, magical bolt now and she needs
to shoot something. But she through the flickering flames. She keeps catching somebody
making intelligence check. Just no one of the two of you. She keeps
catching glimpses of herself in her bare ears and bare tail. Oh, yes,
you have seen. Um you you need to dance, please roll please
roll a D three D six and one and two or one and two and
three or so two rounds, two rounds. You need to dance for two
turns, all right, she can do that, she can come. So
you're you're can we make this easy on the VM and you're whining for two
turns and she's dancing for two turns sure, and Gigi's summoning the dead and
you're still bouncing. Okay, so you now have seven turns left you two.
Somebody Claudia also has to like well, maybe her boogieing and will get
her to the sparkly line. I mean, I'll let you do a salsa
mark or a maringue mark, or you can even tango with an invisible partner.
Okay, I don't care what you do. Just describe your dance please.
Um, she's gonna go for a bachata, which is like the hip
thing with the money up and then to the other and fitness and stuff.
I would know, yea, So she's gonna get her a little hine behind
the line. Okay, Brat brattius LATAs you please just just roll in intelligence
check or investigation I am not an idiot. I think that's a skill.
I am an idiot. But that's okay. So when nobody actually, when
nobody actually responds to the tantrum, I'm gonna look around, like the fuck
because, like Baroness, when when when when Ella has a tantrum? People,
when Ella has a tantrum, somebody steps in to fix it, and
nobody is stepping in to fix it. So she's going to like look around,
like the fuck is wrong with these people? That's called character growth.
No, that's that's called a child manipulating everybody around them. Yeah, so
what so what would you like me to roll for that? My investigation of
what the fuck are you to the people around me? Not responding to my
winds? Yeah? Yeah you can, you can roll investigation. I'll give
you that. Okay, we'll just start with investigation. There are only five
pieces of a wooden target. It's still has the lines painted on it,
The base is still kind of there. It's surrounded by fire and some of
the pieces might be smoldering now, but they're still relatively large chunks, which
you notice because you were down on the ground, like kicking and missing and
yelling. You had a better vantage point, since you're lower to the ground
and you do it like what has not anybody six my vignette turnet somebody sixies.
So I'm gonna keep whining and see if that works. Let me roll
the willpower of adults to the because I mean, you're working with royalty.
You're working with royalty. I'm talking like epic epic tampakafters Formantle's little person like,
oh the toll flinched child, her toy has been bloken. We must
we can units out the flame. You feake it some of the people.
Unfortunately, this person decides to pour her beer on the fire to douse the
flame. There is now more fire. I'm gonna cry harder. I'm talking.
I didn't say people were smart, full on meltdown, crocodile tears and
everything. No, God, you're making me look up Paladin spells. That's
okay. You've made me an eight year old. I'm busy, I'm very
busy planking the laws of nature. You've made me an eight year old.
You've created your own monster. Yeah. I didn't until to kill this man,
but um, you know, beggars can't be cheesdays or whatever the saying
that. Ye, maybe come on, okay, all right? Who's is
this? Who spell is this? Please? Please be a what spell is
this? Who can use this? Damn within? Quench? Drew it?
And ranger? Why the fuck is nobody drew it? Ranger? Sorry?
Sorry? Why gonna be a paladin spell? No, that would be easy
now I got a faint figure. You're in your meaning. But yeah,
maybe if somebody enroyed or drew it or a ranger, we would mean that
sounds like a that sounds like a you problem, as they say, well,
paladins, do you have the ability to create food and water? Which
I believes jump won't wait, Sam, thirty gallons of water on the ground
it contain else? Yes, But who is going to convince the sobbing child
this role hungry? I mean, we need water. Who hasn't been in
a restaurant with a screaming fire? A miner in the beer garden? She
is French? Maybe they maybe she was drinking wine? Oh? Why is
there a child upon the sacred garden of the Great and mighty brew. But
the light has noticed the screaming child that is affecting his mojo? And why
is everything suddenly on fire? Potty is just staring at his butt dancing.
His button is magnificently shiny. He has the shiny hiding. Keep dancing,
girl, that's the bear again. Roll me a d six, please,
We're one more round. The spirit of dance infuses you as usual, cannot
be stopped. What kind of dance are you doing? This? Habit classic?
Make a perception check Claudia. A few minutes ago, Claudia said something
about boogieing, and now I have boogie Knights going in my head and I
wish it would stop at least are you thinking of the scene in Boogie Nights
with Dirk Diggler and Noogie Nights? Oh we are not. You're welcome,
and we don't want to get demonetized, so we're gonna stop you right there.
Five. No, you don't notice anything. It's okay. That's usually
ELLIGI but ella bud, the light, the big shiny paladin, guys staring
at you and Claudia intently okay, and maybe more to the person to your
left, I'm gonna sob and point at the target and bogie. I canna
cande to play if he's broke in big it. This is no place for
miners. Why are you here? Oh is hitting mares. I should escort
you to safety, young lady, I was shooting mares and they brooke it
is this your daughter, fair maiden with so many lovely layers? Uh?
Fix it? Can I do to win your favor? Brave and beautiful lady
of layers? When doesn't we want tix the target? Right? The target?
That thing? I am going to damn rule that the now that would
be alcohol, that would like so conjuring, that would be bad. He
will race, oh great Designated driver spirits he my cold, and suddenly gallons
upon gallons of water schemes drop in front of y'all, and he drops a
few of them. Are you episcopalian? You m not the not the not.
The clar just reminded me of a lot of Sunday morning. Missy's having
a flash? I am. I am like, wow, I'm fourteen years
Did it work? There's a fire out, our friend, you knew what
was coming a The water schemes from the Great Designated Driver have dropped from the
sky, sizzling, and now the other people who are like, oh God,
make the child whining stop are picking up the pieces of the target.
However, will we bind it together? Though? Give me a na like
sweet tones that I got someone who would hold it? Okay. Meanwhile,
does this please you, my lovely lady of layers? Yes? Could I
have but some small token of your affection? For you are the loveliest lady
of layers I've ever laid my eyes up. Poll. That was a lot
of us. Um, don't make me say it again. They were layering
it on pretty thick. Claudia has her red pana ears and then does she
still have her he has the wolf ears? Okay or dalgo E're sorry?
He has she be she bet ears and tail um. Claudia will reach out
and like scratch me behind his ear, make an animal handling roll please this
barre, let me say I have that? Oh no, clati all on.
What's your charisma bonus? I've got? H Is it more than one?
I have a two? You have a plus one or better? Charisma?
Yeah? I have a two? Oh my? What what is nothing?
Nothing? I'm not rolling? Well tonight's that way? Um. If
you know those those horrible meat cutes in in the bardock Tails where they talk
about the night and the barmaid and how the floor is a little slippery,
and they kind of clatter against each other. I mean, he has ears,
I have ears. It could be kind of like the armored sort of
smushes into your layers and it's sort of a horrible velcrow effect, and you're
kind of just stuck together, staring awkwardly as the entire camp is looking at
you both, like what the hell is going on? With a screaming child
next to you, someone raising the dead, a tower crashing into a literal
tidal wave of alcohol, and a bunch of summoned water skins putting out the
fire that was actually put in the garden by one of you people, and
the badger has drunk the fucking magical beer. Are you feeling what I'm feeling?
Yes, yes I am. I don't know if it is, but
I almost see like the blessing of the great and mighty Brew has found you.
Not only do you have ears of purest red, but bear ears too.
And I can barely started when I see you, I feel like I
must he rubs you into a tango? Was going to happen? Right?
Oh boy? Yeah, A little nervous for a minute. She has a
lot of players on it. But yes, now, now the Paladin and
Claudia are dancing the tango while as being summoned, and he has to go
for a total of three rounds. So no, that's three, that's two
rounds because that's a D three. So for two rounds, he's dancing the
tango unless you attempt to use the grappled rules to break out, and I
really don't want to deal with them, but I will if you insist,
because consent is or you can dance the tango with the inebriated dogo eared paladin
who is completely taken with you because you have bare ears. Um. Claudia
would like to dance the tango with him, but she as long as she
can lead, and she would like to lead over to the saggy target to
see if he can fix it or at least hold it or something. I'm
gonna say that's gonna take as many rounds as it takes Malibu to bounce,
unless you do, you have anything else you want to do, Ella,
they're putting the pieces together and have quenched the fire, and Claudia is dancing
with the paladin. I'll look up to make sure that they're doing it,
and then like have more of the fake temper tantrum in between just to make
sure that they continue to fix things. But um no, not doing anything
until it who is doing it? Like? That's very bad phrasing. I
don't care, don't care. I need to clarify who you think is doing
what? You don't care, I don't care. Like there is progress being
made, how long is that going to happen? However long it takes them
to the palad is hoping for progress to be made, however long for it
it takes for them to fix the target. So yeah, we're just gonna
We're just gonna finish your turn, Claudia while you dancing that? Okay,
d you have Liz the dead? What do you call this guy? Sack?
I've gotta find a skeleton. Technically he's a zombie since he's freshly dead.
Oh, he's a and he burned. He is home freaked. God
his I sha call him cutonuton. This is my zombie cluton m he is
clunch is crunchy. I want to salad stop. I need to make a
note of what if I'm gonna forget Oh we won Oh nobody's gonna forget that,
right? Um okay, so I as my Bunney's actual for this tent
i there comes hello. Oh, here we go. I don't know much
French, but he's okay. I need you to that. I don't know
why he's Spanish, but he Spanish can be whatever he wants because he's mad.
See for my Bonny's action, I would like to command him to go
and hold the pieces of the target together. You see, they're just gonna
stick the pieces into his room. Perfect. He's probably still a little sticky,
so that the bulls eye is kind of his sternum's. Yeah, it's
it's yeah, definitely. The burning flesh provides adequately. M claudia. Would
you tango to stablish the crossbow singhy into the zombie's target? Yes? Absolutely?
Is there anything else? And Cluton is now the target? I guess
I'm gonna move over towards the door thing with the expectation that perhaps one day
it will open. I think that anyone I have a backup plan if Cruton
fails me next you can still see me. You're fine. I did not
tell you this beak coutan couton should be quispy and silent. Lociento, lociento,
that's what that suck. Okay, what are you doing you're always fall
away. Oh you are now in long distance rate of the tower where you
can see people. They're they're fighting against their chains. They're struggling. They're
in water and beer, magical bear. Some of them have um dog ears,
some have kiddy ears. One has a bubble. They have that one
last um and speaking with strange accents, not like like your bubble, but
like like every time they open their mouth, bubbles come out. Oh oh
oh, I'm sorry. I mean they are sort of underwater, so it's
to be expected. But it looks a little more intense the normal because you
can see really well in your X ray zoom and enhanced bubble. Of course
I can, because you're cruel and mean and made me see all this.
Oh you could actually have line of sight to to do something. Oh horrible.
Why are you now expecting us to do stuff? How did I can
take it back? I could take back the zoom in enhance. However,
No, no, no, no, it's good, it's good. Yeah.
I shouldn't be expected to do things. You're raising cruton, okay,
is out your responsibility and you are raising at the dead in the presence of
magical alcohol. Did you think that through No? Which is good because I
did enjoy nover girds thinking which would you please pull a D one hundred?
Yeah? I was like, wait, I do know. Okay, what
did you rull one hundred? I have to look up what his zombie's stats
are. Just roll. I'll let you roll the constitution save and we'll just
give him a negative. I mean, because he's a Zombie's not the most
you did? Great, Great, he's not drunk. Your zombie is debated.
Okay, I have noted what has happened to Kuton. He's surrounded by
magical burning beer fumes. Meanwhile, Malibu, what are you doing on your
turn? Um? Would I possibly be within one hundred and twenty feet of
the closest chained up person? Yes, you would, okay, and I
would like to if if the DM says this is permitted, I would like
to use guiding bolt and UM and fling it at the chains of the person
and to break their chains. I don't want to hit the person. I
went to hit their chains. That would be a difficult task. It would
be at disadvantage for you to hit the chains. However, since you have
the zoom and enhanced super targeting bubble, that will negate it so long as
you really sell it to me. I am. I am going to use
every weapon in my arsenal, anything I can dig up to break those chains
and free my people. Even yeah, well you know if that will that
break chains? But okay, well it does involve chains from time to time.
Yeah, but aren't they usually the kind that hold? But anyway,
okay, is better than mine? How is that fair? Cruton is now
unable to get drunk. I'm just declaring it. That role was so good.
He stays, He stays crunchy and addressing you will not foggy Cruton,
Cruton, the never soggy. It's now name. Okay, I'm going to
fling this ball. When people shut up, it's it's Malibu time. Wait
a minute, it's Malibu time. What level am I I forgot? Are
you not? I'm level six? Okay? Or as we saying, America
six? There we go? Did I hit? Did I hit with a
nineteen? Because of your supermagic complain all you want about it, Bubble,
you have hit the chains and broken them. They can now attempt y.
I am now going to have to roll a ton of crap. Is there
anything else you would like to do this turn, No, you can hit
end well, I have and roll. Oh, and this is gonna free
everybody the chains. We're all wrapped around in one thing. That's how chains
work. This wasn't like some you know, kinkmaster Shipbari expert. It was
a bunch of drunk people chaining people up. I ca didn't think about the
drunk. I thought they were being careful and chaining in them individually. But
you know what, I like it your way better, so we're gonna leave
it the way it is. Are you questioning me? No? No,
you are brilliant. Shut up you are and you are a brilliant and all
knowing and gorgeous so I would never question turn. I know I can keep
going if you want me to. I have mini bars and I'm not afraid
to use it. We're up to Ellie mini brook. Um. So the
target is held together, correct, Elly? Are you I muted? Oh?
Probably? Yeah? She has she's ting. It's so hard that you
can't even hear her now, right, I have hit a new sonic level.
Um So the target is now being held together correct by the boche um
and the unsoakable zombie skeleton thing. Yeah, and Claudia had the magic crossbow
bolt? Correct, ye, yes, okay, and she is within reach
of me? Can I see steal it from her? She had the bolt
exactly? Can I steal the crossbow bolt from her as she's dancing around with
whoever it is she's dancing around? It would be a difficult. Would that
be slight of hand? Or hate all these roguey skills? Damn it?
What a rogue? Keep being in it so tough? I mean I can
do slight of hand? You tell me, Yeah, slight of hand,
I think. I mean that's what pickpocketing would be used for. Yeah.
Or you could just ask Claudia for it while she's dancing, But that's awfully
boring. Yeah, I mean what child asks for something that if she adds
it to the dance? Oh yeah, okay, I did click it.
I there we go. Twenty four Ella rolla twenty four slight of hand?
Damn girl. You can learning from Claudia and she is rather Claudia. Would
you say you're distracted by Bud the light and his shiny hiny I would,
or more by his dog. She originally was gonna have it between her teeth
like a rose during the tango, but she's gonna fling it that way.
You just fling it towards a small temper tantrum to child pretty much. Yeah,
that I actually tracks. And I mean, you know, as long
as the child shut up, nobody would actually pay much attention. That was
my theory. But yeah, that is absolutely true. I can confirm.
Um, so dope, I am still behind the line, I think because
I didn't move. I just threw myself to the ground. Um, I'm
gonna try the crossbow at that the target that Krutana is holding together. Come
on, roll twenty. You can do it. You can do it.
I mean, that's the best letter. You literally caught that thing in the
air. I fact, it was so good. I'm going to give you
advantage just because I really want to see you describe teeny tiny Ellie Minibrook with
the huge crossbow firing it at the zombie, with the target glued to its
flesh, surrounded by flames, while Claudia tangos with Bud the light and Fifi
and with the epic confidence of a child who finally gets exactly what she wants
because the only thing she wanted was to continue playing her game, and she
was focused as hell on that she was gonna get her target back together,
she was gonna get her arrow, and she was gonna fire that thing because
she knew she could get it, and so she fired it, and nobody
got in her way, because she is royalty and nobility, and everybody knows
that you don't get in the way of either a child having a tantrum,
a noble having a tantrum, but especially not a noble child having a tantrum.
I'm gonna say, you literally summon so much entitlement that you glow for
a second. Tell yeah, it's like a Bob Fossey musical. Do you
have a catchphrase? As you let loose this perfect bolt? Uh, not
a catchphrase, but as soon as it hits the target, she will shout,
gonna Sharon, mind your friends. In the immortal words of the Legend
of Zelda. The third light ignite and the door to the College of the
Brisky Dungeon it meanwhile, Gruton stairs and jewels. Why why you shoot at
me, lassie? No, no Scottish? How we bar Why if the
door open? And this is how you open the door? So I shot
the door open, and now I want to go there. I'm not wearing
anything on this I need mckill wow, thank you shut up? No,
no, no, I'm telling at least English see we we Nighttin's at I'm
I'm last come. I cannot the drink. I'm telling Kelaton starts dragging himself
over towards the bar, and he sort of wrapped what used to be his
apron and shirt into a horrifically gory, charred kilt. I'm not wearing anything
underneath. Now he's not wearing any clothes. I'm telling he's dealing with them,
chaffing us him understanding. Well, then you know where the door is
actually open. What I'll give Malibu one final What you doing out there?
Anything else you'd like to do in the middle of nowhere? As you have
summoned a great deal of magic? Well, I'm I'm continuing on toward the
people that are now getting loose of their chains. So well tell me this.
Uh, physics are a bitch, and so am I as the what
next big wave starts heading towards your bouncy bouncy ball. Yeah, but I
can see it's got a nice frothy head. Oh you can you have that
skill? Uh? Sure, don't. Oh? Oh when did you learn
surfing in the you know, the priesthood. It's it's it's because I think
that is required by my priesthood. Sounds legit to see. Tune in to
the next episode of Calamity James to see can Malibu bullshit our e car?
But oh god, you're gonna make me look up surfing ruld you bitch?
Yes, I am ah, But that's not all. Stay tuned to a
word from our sponsors and make sure to come back, like subscribe to all
that stuff as we have questions coming up soon for the Calamity James. So
we have had quite the adventure for the Calamity James is. Now Malibu's got
some time to figure out just how she's going to win me over. I
do accept tea and chocolate, just so you know. Other than that,
you know what else? I really love ladies. I love questions from our
fans. How about you? Did? Yeah? Do you like questions?
Are you sure they're adoring? True? They did modestly at con. They
gave me chocolate, so I can say that adoration. Yeah, they did
feed us liquor. They also gave me boozy boba. Yeah. Yeah,
that's not love. What is okay, well, you know, and and
some of the people that that really really adore us are our fans on the
discord. You know how we can tell that they adore us. It's because
they throw money at us. And money is a good, good thing.
So we love money, and we use money to make the show better and
and get things like this, this cool new program that you can now see
our beautiful, beautiful faces while we game. Anyway, so I said,
our, all of our but anyway, so so you know, keep us
throw a little cash in. You did, you showed up wet. She
got wet for it. I did. And since our since since our dis
we'd let them scop the line. We're gonna, We're gonna. I'm just
gonna, you know what, I'm just gonna go, Kyle Damn. Questions
before right, what is the last awesome book you read that wasn't written by
an author on these podcasts Heaven Officials, Blessing by I cannot say the name.
I don't haven't learned how to use by a Chinese author whose abbreviations are
m X t X and It's real. It's recently translated and been hitting the
New York Times bestseller list. As it comes out. Check them out.
Mine was Laura Olympus Volume Too by Rachel Snive the other Rachel who writes stuff,
but she's in New Zealand. And that was one of my birthday presents
and I finally got around to reading it night. Mine is You Sexy Thing?
By kat Rambo. Oh my god, military friends have Oh it's a
it's really good. These military friends have teamed up to open a restaurant way
way out from the center of the universe. And one day they're spaceship space
station is attacked and they end up trapped on ascentient ship and there are there
are pirates, and there's there's evil going on and and banking skills maybe the
only thing that will save them. It's it's so much fun. There is
no sort of legends and more like me, it's the Great British bake off.
Huh you will love it. Yeah, because she's my friend, Like
we play Pokemon Go together, kat Rambo and I and I still haven't read
her book, and I feel guilty, but I know she bought mine.
You need to read she bought Dads, so I should really read that.
I read um where the craw Dads sing but um it was. It was
a good book, but it was because my mom forced me to read it,
as you know, as most good books are. But I usually read
absolute you know, quickie trash, and I pullow through it like, um
five books a week. And if I don't, they're they're just like things
that I consume that our escapist literature, like rom coms and like romances,
and um, if I don't like something, then I bail really fast,
which is not I've never done that as like a human being before, but
now that's that's how I am. So is that why you haven't read my
books? Could be? Did you know that the where the Carl Dad Sing
author is wanted for questioning involving a murder in Zimbabwe? I do know that
Zambia, Ambia a z country, Zambia. I think, yeah, her
something about a poacher and her husband, and yeah, yeah, it's a
whole thing. It's very yeah, very intriguing, I know, right,
yeah, so right, you know we all thought that we writers just stay
home with our shoes off writing, But no, what were you gonna say,
Teresa? I m listened to audio books pretty much compulsively at my job,
so I have a few recommendations. One is Dungeon Crawler Carl by Matt
Dinneman, who was at A and D CON. I have burned through four
of those books in two weeks because they are that good. I've heard the
audio is amazing. It is. It's fucking hilarious. There's another one that
another series I've been listening to called White Trash Warlock by David R. Slayton.
And one that I just kind of took a chance on because it sounded
funny was The Wistaria Society of Ladies Scoundrels by India Holton. All of them
absolutely hilarious and good fun I think that's in my library. Step. Yeah,
it's really really ill. The only thing that disappointed me when I got
through the second one was there wasn't another one ready for me to pick up
and read. I feel really bad because I do have to shout out because
it is technically someone on the podcast. But I got to beta read a
new secret Project by Lovely Bjorn the Barbarian Joe bradty. Hey. It's gonna
be good, that's all I can say. He's gonna be really good.
Does he have a title for it yet? He does? But I don't
know if I can release that, so I'm just going to nod and smile
and say he's good. Cool, cool, Okay, Well we'll go on
to another question. Um heinous lizard. Apparently it's hungry tonight and wants to
know what is your favorite recipe? Do I have to name just one?
No, but i'd say stop at five. There's probably two one, or
I'll let you go first. Well I think it through. Oh no,
okay, Well, I was just gonna say mine is a wedding peel off
from Tajikistan, and it's got nuts and lemon and orange peels in it,
and it's really really good and I love it, and I would make it
every week if I thought I could get away with it and my family wouldn't
kill me, but because I would eat it all the time, but I
worked stupid hours. So my aim is to make things that are very simple
and very easy. So my favorite thing that I've learned to do is you
take like a chicken breast, and you put it on a baking pan,
and you cover it with something like a salad dressing or mayonnaise or sour cream
or something like that, some kind of fatty, creamy whatever, and then
you use some kind of like breading you can crunch up like those French fried
onions or panco or even stuffing mix, and then you put that on top
and you bake it for like thirty minutes or just under thirty minutes, and
it comes out of the oven freaking perfect. You can throw all your veggies
on the pan and cook it all at the same time. It comes all
in on once and you have one thing to wash and it is fabulous,
nice, pretty damn amazing, and it's stupid easy, like so like when
you get home and you're exhausted, you can put it together in like five
minutes and get it in the oven and a sweet garlic soy tofu bowls and
veggies. Um, that's been pretty yummy. But yeah, generally speaking,
I'm not, I don't know, too distracted to cook things. Family.
My favorite recipe is a marinade um that my dad left me for us,
and it's actually like a Korean based like beef marinade. And I don't need
a ton of beef anymore, but I would for this like short ribs and
it's got like ginger scallions. So I tested me a little bit of sugar
and you garnish with um test me seeds. Think I'm forgetting something almost.
Yeah, it is a lot like that, super yummy. Oh, I
guess I get to go, because yeah, I have I have a few,
because anyone who knows me knows that I cook um. Probably the most
useful recipe I have is the Hookaido style milk bread. It's where you do
like tang zong and you effectively cook gray in advance, and then you mix
it into your bread dough and it's a soft, fluffy and rich dough that
I turn into cinnamon buns. I think I'm gonna try a pumpkin babka tomorrow
because that idea just occurred to me. Or you can make it into bread,
you can make it hamburger buns. It's just it's very versatile. But
my recipe that I probably hold on to the most is my dad's recipe for
pasta fazul. The dreadfully americanized, but it's got like sausage and ground meat
and lots and lots of beans and vegetables, and it makes your whole house
smell amazing, and it has penel in it, which I can actually taste
right now because my sense of taste and smell haven't fully come back. So
it's my favorite recipe at the moment. Yeah, I like I like that.
But if you ever need a recipe, I am probably the person to
ask. Because there's also my legendary blueberry muffins. There's my no egg tiaramis
stew and uh, A lot of people love my fluffy cloud biscuits, which
are just a buttermelk drop biscuit that's crispy on the outside and so fluffy and
you can just put it a fried chicken in it and then you can have
a chicken biscuit and not feel guilty. You know what I'm talking about?
Oh yeah, I do a lot. You had me at Tira messiou.
Oh yeah, my five minute Tira Missu is amazing. Tim is so easy.
You literally start with a Starbucks left over. You just whipped the cream
in the mascapone and you soak your lady fingers and you use some booze and
that's about it. You. Yeah. Nice. And if if anybody wants
the actual recipes that we have mentioned, um, just let us, you
know, make a note of it on the Authors and Dragons page and we
will post our recipes for you, so I will post them. Not gonna
get it sounds here, yes, But but anyway, you know, we
said that we love our Discord people, and we do, but we also
love our Facebook fans, and so we're gonna get some questions from them too.
For example, dear dear Mark, hold on Mark, exactly, Mark,
that'll totally be fixed. Let hope that made it better. We're just
gonna pretend that to happen. Though. It's like, literally, I think
we're a little bit out of sync with this program, like everybody's feeds just
a little messed up. And that just kind of made it really obvious.
Yeah better, Yeah, really, because we're all trying to keep up with
each other, but we're not like, all, Wow, that's it.
That's that's what it is. But anyway, Mark wants to know if if
you could write a book or a short story in one of the Guys universes,
what would it be. Now. I'm actually writing into vella series in
John's Harker universe right now, so I'm going to count that as that and
and throw it to y'all. I was gonna say Caitlin takes place in his
Bob of the Monster Home. That was easy? Yeah, does she okay?
Uh? I literally write the False Icon series in the tone of Bill
Universe, which book four coming out soon. I've written a Brandon Timemaster book
and a fan Dingo book, so that I guess that counts. But but
I'm probably gunning for would be gunning for Ricks one of Rick's universes. We
uhould just write a book in Rick's universe and not include him, just be
like, yeah, totally if we were actually gone, if we're actually gonna
go with style, I would probably fit Joe's world best, just because I
do more epic fantasy than anything else. His new one's really epic. It's
really good. You love it. I can't wait to read it. Oh
yeah, yeah, definitely. I guess we should flip up the question other
than the ones you're currently writing or plotting against, pay attention and listen to
these questions so everyone makes sure to tag him. Uh, if it wasn't
in the universe you're currently writing with other guys, what would it be?
Maybe maybe Drew? Then I'll take Joe's Joe's world. We haven't like harassed
him yet. Yeah, I think I think probably I would aim for Drew,
either the NPC is or the Fred the Vampire accountant. Yeah. Fine,
I feel like I have to write something in the Harker verse just because
I'm like the only one. But if I had my dream, I would
I would probably want to write, um, like a superpower it's been off
because I love super there's no denying that. Probably more the villains, though
I would go for the villains. Emily, do you have a second um
because you didn't get Oh, I already did, Rick, Yeah, that's
right as your side hustle. So um. So the next question Hainous Lizard.
Um, Yes, he's the one with the recipes before, and I
guess he's cooking now and wants to hear more things. Um, he wants
to know if the Jans ever do a Salty Bastards type secondary game. I
think abs and what would your characters? Absolutely and I am totally um um
putting DIBs on the rogue on the thief because yeah, I love playing thieves.
Shoehorned to playing Hanna Hanna Barbarian probable who would be our illustrious dungeon mistress.
We have so many choices, I think, God, I'm the least
town I'm I'm the last choice in this group. I would hear so many
I look for things. I had to stay the same. Yeah, I
feel like anybody but me would be a great choice, says the person who's
actually DMed an episode of Authors and Dragons that's of legend. Yeah, that
is amazing. I think I should get busy him because I never ever get
to play. True. I am currently only person who has never actually played
in a pod in a in a regular A and D podcast. It's perfect.
I'm going to throw an Ellie Mini Brooke hear you and have SimPEL tent
swim cool. That's living on, just so you know I can deal.
I think it has to live on until we get the cursed Burke in anyway
or Elvin natural aging. Yeah, but that's yeah, let's be real.
You're stuck. You're stuck with an annoying eight year old until you fix the
problem. Did you say a curse that cursed murkin? God know the curse
Murkin is actually in the dungeon. Don't spoil anything an eight year old.
I'm not thank God, I will not make the comment. I will not
make the comment. There's a horrible comment. There is a comment so horrible.
I no, I'm never saying it, but just know that I thought
it, and I'm sorry. And see I'm scared to death to ask you
the last question, but here I'm gonna go ahead and ask it and you'll
see why in a second. Matthew Mausswitz wants to know why are none of
y'all playing a lovely, fuzzy and cute and Tarbacxi yet? Okay, don't
want to talk about fuzziness. I won't say I have. I have the
actual reason, which I'll put last. So you guys say why you're not
playing a Tarbacxi and then I'll spoil it and give it. I'm allergic to
cats. Same and you know, in in terms of being like an animal
profile person, I'm more of a dog person than a cat person, partly
because I like to breathe, but also partly because I just preferred dogs.
Yeah, same, very true. How about you, Misty, Well,
I'm I am entirely too adorable in real life to play something cute like this,
And you know you in game you want to be something different from what
you are, and I'm too adorable to to do that. So and confirm
is adorable well, I just didn't feel like my per ability was up to
standard to play a TOBACXI, you know, like like I gotta work on
it still, it just doesn't it's not doesn't feel it's very French. It's
very yeah, very false. Per I am a false cat. I always
I can do like two accents. I am really, I am a flinch
cat me out you live tweet and now the really boring real reason is that
they were all restricted to the player handbook, races and classes when we first
created to keep everything on a level playing field, um and just because we
had actually when we first started it, it was supposed to be a one
shot um and it was to make things easy starting off, but to keep
it consistent, we at least for this campaign are limited to the player's handbook.
Who knows if anything changes, I know, oh googical, boring and
gasp it happens. It was possible bucking the trend here, live it up
people, you'll never get in it. Get it again. So but yeah,
I guess that's but those are all the questions for tonight. So I
was I say, let's end on the cold clinical note, because that's what
every girl wants. So that is the Calamity Jane Season two, episode three,
and I have been your hostess with the most as, the one,
the only, the Actually there's like twenty of us, but I'm the Ri
Ri who writes about vampires. And this is our lovely coterie of E.
M. Kaplan, Judy black, Tersa Glover and Misty Massey say good night
ladies, Good night ladies, good night lady, night ladies. Also some
Dragons brought to hundred Creative Commons license, meaning you were free to share this
material so long as credit is given to those who created it, which is
us. People you just heard to play the game opening and closing themes performed
by the Gore Core four. Don't Screw a Genie