Welcome to softcore History. Hello, and welcome back to softcore History. It's
officially spooky season Halloween horn Nights. Now this is where Lightning Crash SFX.
Yeah. I did an entire intro for this, that's right, I forgot
about we've done for the last You did all this set deck to look at
this. Subscribe to our YouTube so you can see the glorious set deck got
in here early spread some spider gorgeous, gorgeous. Actually just found these all
throughout the studio. You probably, to be honest, they were filled with
Your main job was picking crickets out of the webs. Yeah, you bet.
We didn't have a cricket gin for him anyway, Eli Whitney when you
need him, and think about that one. My name is Jake Goldman.
I'm joined us always by my two co hosts, Rob Fox and Dane Rojester.
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So cool. Well, we would never let you go because you control our
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Yeah, anyway, but yeah, check that out. Leave a review Apple
iTunes. You know, you know the deal that's all the house cleaning.
Let's yeah, that was the house cleaning. Yeah, so it is.
Dan refers to it as Halloween Horrors. Well that's what it is. I'm
tired of Halloween horrnnits don't with spooky Halloween Horror month, Halloween Horror Month,
yea, Halloween horror nights. I mean, I went to school in Orlando,
so universal did that. Yeah, it's just that you like mush mouthed
it. It just sounds like horror horror nights. Yeah, just Halloween horrnnights,
and a lot of people are We're not gonna critique how I talk.
Yeah, man, I remember Halloween Hornites. We went actually last year for
it, and it's still like the dudes with the chainless chainsaws running around.
Well, I pack a chainsaw, you pack one that's getting that ass roll
Jake, you should no, no, no no. It'd be funny if
someone like just really hated someone else that worked at Halloween Hornites and they did,
like eventually at the end of OZ spoiler alert, this episode came out
like thirty years ago. But he kills JK. Simmons with a real knife
in a play like that. He didn't mean to use it, but he
the main character, didn't mean to use it, but he did. It'd
be funny if you just sorry they were doing a play in prison. Yeah,
Bloke vn HBO their shows if they last too long, as we know
from Game of Thrones, things get kind of weird. And Jankie like The
Wire, OZ was like the first show, right, OZ was like the
first show. Yeah, The Wire the entire season where they do they follow
a paper the news. Yeah exactly. But anyway, yeah, that'd be
funny if someone just like affixed a chain to the chainsaw, oh and just
got like, oh, gonna go out there and murder someone. Now,
yeah, yeah, it'd be pretty funny. I mean it probably a kid,
so that's not funny, but not so fun but yeah, no,
you know, lately we've actually been kind of veering into spooky topics. We
talked about Gin not too long ago, and that's otherworldly. We talked about
gnosticism and they're weird myths. By Gin, he means Genie's not the alcoholic
or not the liquor. Took It took me a second even because I was
like, oh, yeah, I did do that episode. Well he's also
done in an episode on Jamison Whiskey. Yeah, yes, and the horse.
Now, to be clear, almost every one of our episodes is horrifying.
Yeah, it's like my episode on Roman sexuality. It's really actually just
a hall of nightmares. Political eunuchism that isn't even part of it. Ye
dudes getting fucking castrated. Yeah, I know. I'm like, all right
now we're doing the scary one. No, I mean it's sometimes you just
learned that a Unich made paper along the way. You know, it's like,
oh, that's cool, it's good. But uh yeah. Every now
and then, though, we talk about demons in Hell and all that stuff,
and I bring up a little collection of texts called the Key of Solomon.
It's a magical grimoire filled with the names of demons that were binded by
none other than King Solomon himself to build the Temple of Jerusalem, your guy,
Yeah, the Temple of Solomon, or maybe not the Temple of Jerusalem,
but the Temple of Solomon. Solomon's temple, Solomon's temple, Yeah,
is not the one the Romans destroyed. I don't know, Okay, I
don't. I don't know the history of the temple, to be honest with
you. What your history? Yeah, I can tell you the exact day
the Vatican was built, Kenny, and I can tell the exact day the
Vatican is going to be destroyed. That's more important. Probably, That's probably
a really important day. Yeah, that's when the sun goes black and the
locusts come. There isn't eclipse coming up this month. It's a lunar though.
We have a Friday thirteenth, we have a solar eclipse, and we
have a super blue moon or blood moon. We have super blood moon.
Yes, we also next year in October, I believe have a full eclipse
over Austin, like a full solar eclipse, which is the sun, you
know, dark circle. You don't have to explain it, we know.
Okay, it'd be fun to just like be a prophet that no one's impressed
by, like just walk around Austin. Wouldn't work because this would just be
a normal person in Austin. But just go somewhere normal and just be like
this guy will be black today and then. But they're just like, yeah,
we know it's science. Told us science. That's like looks like apocalypto
right when they were like waiting for the eclipse. Yeah, it's like see
good, we're good. You know we're killing Yeah, tell him to tell
him. We don't need to cut anyone's heart's out anymore. God's happy.
Yeah. No, I mean if if no one knew about science, eclipse
days would be the best day if you knewbout him, because it like you're
the one guy. Yeah, it's just the purge. Really, science is
out the window soon. Si. Science is cyclical. It is I think
it is. I think we're also definitely in a state of like, uh,
subjective reality, its objective. I want to be alive long enough to
take where believing in eclipse is just an eclipse is a political belief. You
think that's a fucking you think that's the moon moving in between the sun.
Can't wait, Yeah, I can't wait. Well, yeah, the moon's
a production. Everyone knows that it's just that's hollow. I thought, right,
well said it's a couple different made of cheese robes. There's no way
it could be hollow. What a delicious what if it was made of cheese?
And then you know the eclipse happen, which means it's getting fucking absolute
direct sunlight. It just melted, melting, scalding nacho cheese, just like
just like nukes France, you know what I mean, just dripping, Yeah,
just too much dripped, just that cheese beam. Yeah, it takes
out the Vatican. Yeah, of any country that could get nuked by cheese,
France might be the most fitting the US. Melted cheese that would make
more scant yeah, just a cheddar. Yeah. Well, according to the
non canonical text, we're going non canonical today. Those are the good ones.
Yeah, the Testament of Solomon. Salomon used demon magic, goetic magic,
you might call it. Basically, what this means is spells to construct
the Temple of Jerusalem. So it is the Temple of Jerusalem. Actually,
so he I'm reading them right now. What how high were you when you
wrote this? Oh? I'm glad you asked. You're like, can confirm
a verry verry? You guys don't right high? Come on the Hannibal episode
on mushrooms. Yeah, you just channeled Hannibal anyway. I gotta say,
though, it kind of makes sense that some people believe he actually did this
with demons, not that demon. Not that I think it makes sense that
demons built the temple, but that people will say anything not to give us
credit for building things nicely. It would be funny if he did straight up
and slave demons instead of just having you know, Jewish lave first do it,
right. Yeah, No, aliens did the pyramids, Demons did the
temple in Jerusalem. Never juice, never juice making nice buildings. No,
it's fucked up. Man didn't do the pyramids. So whatever, man like,
that's confirmed. No pyramids, Yeah, okay, artisans whatever, Well,
what's the difference. It's just made up anyway. Yeah, the Temple
of Jerusalem made by demons, apparently according to the Testament of Solomon. Okay,
so this was not the one destroyed by the Romans, by the way,
it was destroyed by Nebuchadnezzer and the Babylonians. Classic fucking Babylonians tearing down
our walls and stuff. I know, God damn Babylonian Blonians were the Jews
Mongolians pretty much. Yeah, you guys fucking hated the babylon Oh man,
don't get me started on Babylon. Well wiped him out. Good. Well,
I don't know if you actually wiped him out, but yeah, those
they are gone. Those hanging gardens ain't ship no, no, don't you
know like how that works. They have a whole like part in the Old
Testament where they're just like King Cyrus of Persia is the greatest king of all
time and it's only because he conquered the Babylonians and they were like finally were
conquered by a nicer guy. Like that's how grahmm it got. Yeah,
you gotta know, like when you're praising another conqueror it's gotta be bad.
The Persians were actually the good guys in three hundred. They kind of were
Spartans with the dicks. Yeah, Spartans were the dicks. If you sparta
so overrated, it's not even fucking well. We would throw babies off a
cliff if they cry with wolves or whatever. I get that. Yeah,
no, that makes sense. Well in most in the herd, yeah,
you gotta, well, you gotta cull the herd too to strengthen it.
Getting conquered by Persia was pretty cool though. They're just like, yeah,
do whatever you want. I mean, just be yeah, just pay us.
That's the kind of conquering that you know. People are like, oh,
taxes, It's like, do you know how the other conquering works?
Yeah, gets not on the stone. Well. In the Testament, of
Solomon's most noteworthy passages, the text describes how Solomon was n't able to build
his temple by command ending demons by means of a magical ring that was entrusted
to him by the archangel Michael. The ring, depending on where you read
it, was either a hexagram or a pentagram, so this is like the
origin story for both of those. Really a hexagram and a penagram. Yeah
for being magically related, because people use both in magical rituals. But scholarly
opinion on when the Testament of Solomon was written varies pretty widely. Despite texts
claim to have been a firsthand account of King Solomon's construction of the Temple of
Jerusalem, it suggested dates for its composition range anywhere between the end of the
first century a d. And the High Middle Ages, so we're not sure
when it was written. Basically, there's a lot of debate right now.
So obviously take everything I say this episode with a grain of salt. But
you say this every episode. Not trust you at all. It's already called
softcore history. Yeah, take everything Jake says with the grain salt. That's
don't have to say that anymore. You do it every time. We'll take
it with a grain of salt. Please please, like we get it,
dude up here, bullshit and baby. So, now, though we are
going to be largely talking about the Key of Solomon today, the Testament of
Solomon we are discussing right now sets the stage for the existence of the key.
But there's also a choice nug from King Solomon himself in the Testament that
I just had to share, and this is it. While he describes how
he bind the demons to bring him different pieces of the temple in the aid
of its creation, he also lays out a nice little warning for everyone reading
In it, he describes how he fell in love with a Shunamite woman and
agreed to worship rem Fan and Molok. Who are two demons. Oh,
Molok, I've heard of Molok. Molok's a big bad Yeah, for sure,
Molok's not a good one. And he agrees to worship them in exchange
for sex with the lady. Well, you know, you know, sometimes
you got to risk it all for some Shunamite strange. Yeah, yeah,
you worry about it. Yeah, you just nod, You're like, yeah,
zodiac signs, I'm on Pisces. Well, and then once you have
that post not clarity, that's when it really hits. Well, the post
not clarity is pretty crazy here. Well, it's not postnut but close.
So Salomon agrees to sacrifice to m Fan and Malik. But at first he
grabs five locusts and he crushes them in his hands as an offering. Immediately.
That's not that impressive, Nah, it's not. But you know,
really wasn't impressive. It's also a dogshit offering. It's really bad. But
you know who was even less impressed than Malik and rem fan God? God?
Yeah, God was probably not happy. Yeah, immediately upon crushing them
for the two demons, the spirit of God was just kind of like,
you know what, I'm going to head out. I'm out of here.
And he departs Solomon's body, and he becomes foolish to both men and demons
and God himself. He appears foolish to everyone around him. He has to
get favor again from God, and Salomon concludes the story by telling readers to
not have beandoned their beliefs for sex like he did. M you know they
were so wise back then. Don't give it away. I will give up
on all my principles and everything I believe in for like the right woman.
Anna Darmis comes in. Is that just yours? Now? Whatever you want
me to believe in? Anna, it's the accent really that gets me.
Anna d Armis, Huh, that's that's your one. I think that's your
one. That's probably your one. It's the combination everything build success. Yeah,
yeah, yeah, so success seems I didn't know you were into that.
Yeah, you got a success thing. Yeah I guess not I'm on
this fucking show. Or you're not fucking anyone here, not yet. Okay,
Oh boy, give us enough failure to get those sexual harassment claims.
Go it. Yeah, anyway, it was Jake did it to Dan's I
didn't you anything. You can clear my name right now. You keep grabbing
my ass when I walk. Do not touch your butt ever. I never
touched your butt. Fact that, the fact that you won't, yes,
Saud of this joke is pretty sass. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. You're
right, Yes, I touched him. Cut that, don't do well.
We going to Austin PD. Anyway, though, the main point of the
Testament of Solomon is that he ran into a couple of different demons. One
of them in particular was Bielzebub. He runs into all right, and he's
able to using his ring as a shield to protect himself with God's you know,
divinity buying Bielsabub and get him to start working for it. I would
watch the ship out of this Constantine prequel. Oh, it would be great.
Are you kidding me? It's really just it's kind of like Captain Planet
meets like because he's got that, but it's like almost like I'm just imagining
like wonder Woman's golden lass out kind of like get over here, Satan,
get over here. As we know, Bielsabub is not Satan, it's not
Lucifer. And we'll get a lot more into Hellish hierarchy later. But he
just says, like, Bill, it's straight. Hey, like to pick
up that rock, put it over there, pretty much. Yeah, So
he ran into a couple of different demons. So Bielsabub kind of clued him
in onto who the other demons roaming around where, and he binded them all
and so like yeah, what well, once you got him, the demons
like got no honor amongst demons get out. Really Yeah, you'd think they'd
be a lot more tight. But yeah, So I think he has Bielsabub
help him get a column from under the river. It's like underwater, it's
a column that's like a beautiful obsidian. He has that become a part of
the temple. He has another demon like use a cornerstone that can't be lifted
by men to become the cornerstone of the temple. Basically uses them all for
their magic to help him out. I swear man this, Uh, there
can't have been no Jews killed after someone read this, like you literally,
like an anti Semit reads about how Solomon enslave demons to build your temple and
that didn't send an already any Sematic person over there, Like they're just like
okay, okay, they're working with demons. Yeah, like I've I've read
it. I knew it. I knew it. That's an allegory for other
Jews, by the way, probably no to them. Yeah right. Also,
rob people that want to kill Jews, they don't need this, They
really don't. They don't wait for this to show up they have. This
is actually what Saint Hitler over the edge saw the Testament of Solomon on the
edge, but this man and slave demons. Yeah, well you might be
asking, what does this have ever anything to do with what we're talking about
today. The Key of Solomon has everything to do with it because it kind
of sets the stage. I had assumed. Yeah, so according to like
receiving the city's key, No, no, no, the key is the
Key of Solomon is basically it's the key on how to operate in binding.
So it's like a key like an index. It's an index exactly so.
According to the mythical history of the document, as recorded in its introduction,
Solomon wrote the Key of Solomon for his son Reheboem and commanded him to hide
the book in his tomb upon his death. This is how you get damn
brown books. This would be a great damn Brown book as well. Well.
The Key of Solomon exists. You can read it right now like I
have it on my phone. There's two. There's a greater and there's a
greater and lesser Keys of Solomon. But after many years, the book was
discovered by a group of Babylonian philosophers repairing Solomon's tomb. This is all according
to lore. None could interpret the text until one of them suggested that they
should ask the Lord for understanding. Well, ask their god. Yeah,
I think ask your god, ask their god whoever man. The God comes
down and he's like, yeah, this guy was a dick, So what
do you want to know? And then go with whatever answer you like better.
You know, you might be onto something. My dad's gonna say no,
so I'll ask my mom. That's pretty much it. Yeah, if
you ask your God and you don't like it, ask another just keep going
anyway. They ask their God, and the Angel of the Lord appears to
the translator and helps him. Oh, and the translator gives a promise that
he would keep the text hidden from the unworthy and the wicked, after which
the Angel of the Lord allows them to read it freely. And this is
where they say the translations of the Keep Solomon come from. I'm gonna highly
doubt that as a skeptic, but that's where it's said to have come from.
Basically, what they figured out is that Solomon left his son rahel Boem
a manual for operating a demon ferrari basically right like it was basically, Hey
man, I made this for you. This is how to drive this sick
car. Hey, if you ever want to build dope shit, yeah,
that's essentially it. So much of keep a demon Ferrari. It's always in
the shop, always in the shop and in the parts. Or you have
to get them from hell. You do, shift from hell, you do.
They're not made, They're not made in your country. It's not even
an easy oil change. There's a lot of bureaucrat See two with demons come
to find out, like a lot demons have red tape out the ass sounds
about right, and it is Hell. Right, it's Hell. And I
think it's very funny that throughout the Middle Ages, Like so, I'm I'm
going off of the idea that all this is actually written in the sixteenth seventeenth
century, after the Renaissance. I think it's I personally think it's inspired by
a lot of the Renaissance stuff, which is like, oh, the Kingdom
of It, of Heaven is in you, divinities in you. You know,
it's the inner light, and they're like trying to blend so that stuff.
Jesus said, yeah, I mean, but but they get back to
it a little bit. Yeah, yeah, they I think what the key
the Lesser and Greater Keith Solomon is is it's trying to use like cabolistic magic,
also blending, like it's up to you and God's divinity. It's a
lot of different pieces. Melbol I will say, you'll probably find every good
mechanic in hell, though, oh yeah, like any good mechanics in hell?
Have you Have you ever been to a good auto shop and thought anyone
there's gonna go to heaven? No? No, absolutely, even a bad
auto shop. Yeah, they're actually further down in Hell. There's different layers.
Bad mechanics are further years. Yeah, that is an honest mechanic.
He's still in Hell. Yeah. No, it's like he's just right.
He's just knocking on purgatory. You know. They're like, man, you
murdered six people, but you never lied about the cost of parts and labors.
So you're tatted up. I'm sorry you can't get into Heaven. You're
not getting into Heven with a neck tat. Absolutely not. People think that,
so I guess, fools, it's like going to a job interview.
Heaven gotta wear a turtleneck. Hell has bureaucracy, Heaven has job interviews.
Life is a job interview for Heaven. Yeah that's stupid. Well that's your
rolling into heaven. They're like, what's a fun fact about you? We
know, we know everything, but you tell us what you thinks you're fun
for, Like, no, what's one of your faults? Now? If
it actually is like some people think where you have to roll the tape back
with God and go over each play of your life, Yeah that is hell.
No, it's just God's like your middle school coach, Like, no,
so it fall flat on your face here when you could have helped this
old lady. Where were you at there? Yeah? Man, there was
a miss your opportunity here didn't hit the whole hard enough. Yeah. There
was a great short story I read when I was in grade school, like
SUC seven eighth grade, you know how on like you're reading textbooks. They
would be like stories essentially, like short stories and stuff like that. So
sometimes I'll get bored, bored as fucking class and I just reread ahead and
I just like, I'm just gonna read something. This is this class sucks
u. And one of the stories was like it was basically like you waiting
to get into heaven essentially, and the way you were judged was like God
can't judge you because he loves you. But I thought, only God can
judge you. That's that's a lie. So what he does is he so
many people have that tattooed on their bodies. The well they're in hell too.
They're in hell. Yeah, it's fine. They like. Essentially,
the theme is, or the the story goes, was like God loves you
infinitely, so he can't judge you, but he knows that he can't reward
people for any type of behavior, so he just uses judges throughout history as
the judge, and he's the witness, and so they just ask him.
They're like, give us a rundown on his life, and so God like
gives it, like he's not gonna lie. He's just like, yeah,
he's a nice guy. It was like a bank robber who'd like killed through
people and then got murdered by the police went up and the guy was like,
oh shit, God like explains when I was like, yeah, I
can't. I can't send you to Hell. I love you, so I
have to have someone else do it. Oh, God's your personal assistant.
God outsources. Yeah, God outsources the witness. So it's just like anything
they ask him, he's just like yeah, yeah, again. I just
can't get behind the earthly like systems of governance behind Hell and Heaven and every
story you ever hear. It's like, I just don't think it would work
that way, Like they used the same thing we came up with as government,
Like, no, I don't think so. But essentially, the keepsaw
him in his two books. Book one contains conjurations, invocations, and curses
to summon and constrained spirits of the dead and demons of Hell. In order
to compel them to do the operators will. So it also describes how to
find stolen items, become a visible, gain favor and love what so on.
Yes, you can become invisible with the help of a demon if you
would like cool. Book two describes various purifications, which the operator termed in
the book exorcist. By the way, So you're called an exorcist when you're
doing this. Oh, because you're purified. Are you getting rid of the
demons? You're exercising them up out of hell into the space you want them
to be. Just any place you take a demon, any transportation of a
demon is exorcist kind of. Yeah. Demon gets in a cab, you're
exercising him. Yeah, well he's getting some exercise. You take him on
a walk, exercise in the demon. So yeah, it's basically about how
you need to purify yourself before you get into all this demon summoning, because
like it's bad to not do it. It's gonna get it, it's gonna
get real dirty. Yeah. So it covers like the clothes you need to
wear, how the magical implements used in their operations should be constructed, and
like what animal sacrifices should be made to the spirits, things like that the
lesser key of psalmon list in order of seventy two demons that can be commanded.
That's really important. Now, these books are incredibly involved for the setup
and for these rituals to go correctly, and by like, what I mean
by complicated is like it's so fucking complicated you would stop reading it. That's
what happened to me. I was like, it's just like dense, It's
super dense. Man. So like in my research on the book, the
variables that are required for success are like what where is the sun? Where's
the moon? Where's Venus? Where's Mercury? Like where's Jupiter? Like you
have to have so every demon when you're summoning it needs to have all these
things in the correct place or they won't show up, or they won't show
up. And you need to be lighting the right incense, you need to
be doing the right geometric shapes. You need to be like using the right
kind of salt. So basically there's sounds like the just a phone number but
awful. Yeah, no, it sounds like when you go out on a
fishing trip and the guide is just making up all these mistakes for why there
was no bites. Yeah, it's unlucky day. It's no, it's it's
exactly that. It's a little choppy. Yeah, oh you didn't. You
didn't light the siege before the you put the amethyst in the cups. So
yeah, it's right, that's why that skeleton monkey didn't crawl out of that
hole in the ground. Yeah no, I mean that's you actually described a
demon. Wait, really there's Oh, there's descriptions and uh personalities for every
demon. I'll go through a couple of them later. I out not to
sound racist, but I kind of picture all demons to have roughly the same
personality. They don't. They're all very different. Okay, yeah, I
didn't even plan this. I got a bunch of demons on set. That's
pretty cool. I actually wore this to the sex the other day. You
are you going back? Don't worry about it, Okay, you just said
anyway, there's so many variables that are required for success in these spells that
it would be really easy to describe any non success to any one of the
variables not being right, which is handy for people that want to convince you
it's real, right, Like you go and it's like, Oh, you
just need to practice harder and like buy my magical rbs things like that.
It's definitely a CD you'll get that demon, right. But the variables,
like I said, include planets, incense, things like that. I think
it's really important to note like why they do these things too. I have
a big theory about what this really is. I'll get to it at the
end, but basically, yeah, if you don't purify yourself, you're gonna
get got by a demon. And if you don't do everything correctly, it's
not gonna work. So not only do you have to do purification spells before
all these demon spells as well, those are also like incredibly time intensive and
complicated. One of the big things, though I mentioned it earlier, is
like the salt circles and the shapes you have to draw. Yeah, I
think it's pretty interesting because a lot of like the shapes are one of the
most important things, right. And I think it's interesting because a lot of
people say that Masonic like ritual is based off of geometry, right, and
that's based off of the Temple of Jerusalem built Samson over here. Well,
I've always said the most Satanic building in the world the Pentagon. I mean
many people would argue that just because the shape alone, Now did your ritual,
you can say, if you want, have any reference to the Temple
of Solomon as a Freemason, Yeah, we didn't acknowledge it. Now really,
I think you're just messing with me. But no, I mean,
like there's a whole thing on, like sacred geometry, how the space and
proportions of different rooms can induce different moods, things like that, and that's
kind of what freemasonry takes from the there's some linked here is what I'm trying
to get to. I haven't like uncovered it or I don't think that the
saying that the space and proportion of different rooms can make different moods is even
controversial. No, For example, if I shoved you and locked you in
a closet, you would be in a different mood then if you were sitting
comfortably in a living room. But you know the feeling like when you walk
into a place with a really nice like open atrium and you just feel different.
Yeah, yeah, it's it's very important. I think a lot of
what we're gonna be talking about today, like a lot of the set and
setting in the place of the stars and stuff like that. That's all to
induce a certain mood. Basically, I'll get to like my big theory on
it later. But one of the demons I want to just talk about how
insane this ship. As one of the demons in the Lesser Key might be
familiar to a couple of people listening who enjoy horror films, that would be
King Payment of Hell, the eighth demon on the list, King Payman,
King, King Payman. He is the named demon that the cult worshiped in
the movie Hereditary. Oh yeah, yeah, Payman. They all hail Payment.
That is a very real demon. I love Hereditary. Why do you
hate that movie? Everyone was hyping it up so much. It was good.
It was fine. It was a good horror movie. It was fine.
It was a good horror movies aren't good. It's not my it's not
my my bag. Okay, well, it's very much my bag of all
the horror movies I've seen. That's a very footage movies or your bag.
No, that's my guilty pleasure. There's a difference. I have a bag
and I have a guilty pleasure. Corner right, turnaround and furiously watch intently.
You don't like scary movies. He's scared. Yeah, you get scared.
You hide your eyes, keep my lad on. Scared boys, check
your phone when it gets creepy so you don't have to look. Yeah,
he's just furiously scrolling. One of the biggest stakes I ever made life,
So I haven't had a very hard life. I guess was coming home from
some party or something in high school, turning on HBO, smoking weed and
watching twenty eight days Later, just like as seventeen, extreme and extremely high.
Oh that doesn't phaze me at all. Zombie movies are like whatever,
Runners were a new thing. This is this was the first Runner with Murphy
right, Yeah, this was the first Runner movie movie. Twenty tastes later.
It's a good movie, and I just remember being like, I mean,
just white fucking knuckling the entire just very high, being like, oh,
this could be it. But I didn't stop watching because the movie was
dope. The movie's just good. But I think I think the thing with
like good horror movies is there good movies despite the fact of their horror movie.
Yeah. I will say this about Hereditary, It was a horror movie
first, not a movie first. Yea, yeah, no for sure.
But I think it's the closest like it is true horror, Like it's a
true horror movie. But I think it was tastefully done. I thought,
like Tony Collette did a good job, and Tony Collette tastefully decapitate herself with
piano wire. Yeah, spoiler alert, No, it's tastefully done. It
was the right amount of gore, of tastefuls, the right way put it.
Definitely more tasteful than how the kid got got with the telephone post.
That was pretty funny. I laughed at that because I honestly I laughed out
loud because I was like, wait, what is happening in this movie?
And then all of a sudden, like the fucking gooney girl who like was
she mentally ill or something? Like they just cast like a very interesting looking
actress or something, and like, yeah, she just gets decapitated out of
nowhere. Yeah, it's great after a party. Listen, that's life.
That is life. The beat, life beat like that. Sometimes sometimes on
the water someone just gets their head chopped clean off. Sometimes you go down
a slide at Schlitterbond, you don't come back with a head. A kid
Anyway, after the movie came out, people just wanted to summon payment too
soon. This is the years ago. It's like ten years ago, wasn't
it. Yeah, it's like the kid that got his fucking head punted off
when he got went to retrieve his hat from a leg dangling from a roller
coaster. Oh dude, yeah, don't do that. You shouldn't do that,
just you lose the hat man. To be fair, here's the difference.
Roller coaster kid, don't walk under a roller coaster. That's insane.
Schlitterbond kid. But what slitterbon kid was like, Okay, I'm getting on
this ride, and they're like, I trust that this ride is safe to
go. I designed myself, no, no design degree whatsoever. I'm not
even an engineer. What if it's a really dope hath though together, Oh
that's true. True, it could be lucky true true, or a lucky
hat. Well it's not. Well he wasn't wearing it. Well, that's
why it was unlucky at that point. I like to think he actually got
to it. You got the hat and then stood up and was like a
final destination. Was that a real thing? Though? Is this an urban
myth? Urban legend. I'm pretty sure somebody's got their head punted off.
I don't think that's true. I don't think that's fit the physics back that
up. It could have died. I don't think it was decapitated though,
I'm just looking now. Head kicked off. My rule kid was had did
not deserve it, and but and it did have some measure of decapitation.
Yeah, team decapitated at six Flags over Georgia. Yeah, this was in
two thousand and eights, is a while back, but yeah, it happened.
Geez. Yeah, It's not a good way to go anyway. All
the fucking edge Lord goth kids, I imagine, wanted to summon Payman after
this because they saw it in a movie. Which, if you want to
do this stuff, I guess it's fine. I don't think you're actually gonna
do anything, but I think it's probably not good for people. They won't
be self aware enough for this. But if you have mental issues, probably
don't fuck around with this stuff because you're gonna start believing it. Yeah,
yeah, just don't don't mess with this show. Is Payment related to Hayman
Hayman? No, okay, they're not Hayman. We don't even I'm not
even supposed to say his name. Oh that's the that's the Pyrum guy.
Yeah, Hayman. Yeah, but sudden little old boord action. Yeah,
just we spit when you say his name. He's like our Sherman juice.
Oh for the South. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah. You ever you
ever say Sherman in the South and someone spits, Uh, I think I
yelled. I think it's died out. I definitely dunked on an Old Miss
when I was at Missouri played at Old miss in twenty thirteen when we went
to the game because we wanted to see the grove and everything, and uh,
some fucker. That was the time I ever been called a Yankee and
anger, m that's a layman soul. And I was just like, we
won that war. But I didn't bring up Sherman in particular anytime I shoot,
I'm mortar at one of my Southern friends, I yell, Sherman,
that's a good call. So a bunch of people decided to interview some witches
to figure out how hard it would be to actually go through the go Ettic
magic of summoning payment. And this is a quote from one of the witches
quote. One of the things that you're supposed to do, specifically with the
Key of Solomon, is that you have a magical circle drawn around you,
and this is the most important thing. And you have to have a triangle
set up just outside of that, and you're wearing the sigil of the demon
you're trying to summon. You'll put that sigil into the triangle as well,
and then the demon is supposed to appear within that triangle. If you do
it really, really right. Supposedly you're supposed to see a physical form appear
in front of you. You should physically see a demon at some point.
I cannot comment on that, but that's allegedly what happened. And then you
shout that is a feather stiff as a board. That is a feather stiff
as a board. That's what's started the Salem witch draw. Slumber party games
got him out kind of. It was bitchy girls. Yeah. To continue
the quote, you may even have to do some demon managing, as Payment
is listed as one of the four Kings of Hell in earlier gramoirs, who
some say must be appealed to in the correct order to ensure they obey the
magic practitioner, continuing the quote, I know that's a long one. This
type of conjuration of spirits can involve a potentially complex navigation of the bureaucracies of
hell, compelling lesser spirits did do once bidding by resort to the names of
their superiors. And if there's one thing that makes me believe any of this
is out there is actually like a fucking bureaucracy of Hell. So get this.
You call up like a lesser demon right right, You're like, all
right, make me invisible. He's like, I'd love to, but I'm
like one of thirty six legion to another guy. You gotta call my manager
and then he's calling a sign off. Yeah, he's gotta like sign it
and duplicate and also like I'm here, he's not. You gotta do a
whole different things. You need at least three forms of identificyess right now.
Oh you're burning Paulo Santo. Oh this is not he's not coming, man,
he's not showing up today, Like you gotta start next week. Payment
doesn't get out of bed for anything less than frankincense and Mars in retro grade.
And if you bring apparently, if you don't offer something good enough,
they'll just fuck your life up. Like if like they'll figure out like,
oh man, you really came with the wrong shit, and they'll like also
be like, if he came with the wrong shit, you probably didn't do
the protection spell, right, So I'm gonna ruin his life. That's funny.
Yeah, so maybe come here. Yeah, not for the right reasons.
So yeah, yeah, there's gonna be hell to pay. So a
lot of theologians have tried to assign a hierarchical system based on the titles across
many different grim wars, including the Key that I mentioned earlier. Most grimoires
today that you hear about again that's just a collection of demons and how to
control them, are inspired by the kIPS. Though. Yeah, like everyone
steals ip. Yeah, this is some of the oldest stuff. A lot
of people would be like, this is just total bullshit, but I mean
it comes from somewhere like and this is one of the older ones we have.
But most important to note is that all of these theologians disagree on everything
as they do because they're talking about how to rank demons from a book that
was either written in one thousand or you know, fifteen hundred one thousand BCS,
yeah, or fifteen hundred eighty yeah, right, So who t I
l today? I learned I didn't know this that the height of the Kingdom
of Israel was one thousand BC. I knew that. I actually didn't even
know that the height of it was under David and Solomon, but I definitely
didn't realize they were that old. I thought they were like eight hundred and
seven hundred, maybe in the six hundreds. I didn't realize they were one
thousand BC. It's like having a dynasty during the Pole era of sports,
like Nebraska. No one cares anymore. It's just like, I think they
got a BCS in there ne brasketed. Yeah, I think they did.
You might be writing like two thousand or something like late ninety eight, may
you think, Eric Crouch? Yeah, yeah, you're right. But yeah,
someone finally did their best to sum it up across all these different grandmoires
and theologians, and these are the seven distinct titles of all the positions you
can have in hell, and how they got them these demons. Right,
So there's kings, princes, dukes, marquis, counts, presidents. So
that's six and there's one night. There's only one night of how I don't
want to fuck with that guy who's the night Fercus? Okay, Fercus,
So that sounds like a nightly name. That sounds like somebody who's like from
Flanders or France or something like that. Fercus. You fucking enough, Fercus.
I'm not scared of Fercus. Fergus is going to rip your spine out
of your back. Guys, we can't say his name too anymore times.
Fercus, Frales, Fercus, Fercus, Fercus. Come on, I'm just
kidding. You're not summoning anything right now, You're totally fine. I brought
my salt. I'm good. You got some salt to throw around? Yeah?
Yeah, you have the salt shotgun? Did you actually load it?
Yeah? It's kind of funny to me that demons are essentially just ethereal slugs.
They just don't like salt. Yeah, like what happens like just salt
it? Why why salt too? I know, like table salt actually hold
the police. I'm actually why do demons? You gotta figure this out.
Demons salt? It's more evil spirits, it's not necessarily demons. Uh yeah,
why salt used to get rid of ghosts and keep out demons? Literally
this Uh why exactly? No one can be sure. No one knows,
No one knows. There's a bunch of different answers, right. Uh what
if it's just deployed by big Salt, Dude, Big Salt. Hey,
it's like you get rid of demons for you. You find out that Morton's
is like hobby lobby in Chick fil A. It's just owned by this hyper
Christian. He's like, you know what, everyone would really lack buying our
salt for scared enough to demons. That should be the first thing advertised in
Mississippi that it does. Yeah, put it on your food. It'll keep
the demons out of your belly. Yeah. If y'all lack flavor and hate
the devil, drive Morton salt. Yeah. Apparently it originates from Buddhism or
Shintuism, where salt is used to pre purify or sancify places and ward off
evil spirits. That still doesn't explain anything. No, that just kicks it
down the road to ship. Also puts it on religions that Christianity does not
care about. Yeah. Yeah, so it's pretty bad. That's a dumb
answer. And whoever wrote that was wrong. But okay, so here's how
they all got their titles. The kings of Hell were those angels who were
closest to Lucifer when he led the rebellion against God Almighty in heaven. They
were promised their own crowns if the attacks succeeded, but it did not,
And when all the rebelling angels were cast out of Heaven and Lucifer was made
emperor of his own infernal dominion, these angels received kingdoms of their own in
Hell to rule, and they got the king level as recognition of their loyalty
for being day one. So Lucifer is emperor. Yes, Lucifer's emperor.
Okay, well, like, I mean, that's not really like a title
like these are all the demons below Lucifer. But princes were demons that were
powerful angels who joined the rebellion in heaven just a little. They needed a
little convincing. They were Day two. They did not quickly follow Lucifer,
but received rewards in Hell according to the attributes they possessed as angels. Dukes
of Hell were the many angels who joined the rebellion after seeing how many of
the higher and more powerful angels had already begun the assault, so most of
the fallen angels were granted the title of duke and recognition of their service to
Lucifer. But they're like, oh, man, like Jim and Accounting is
joining. Fuck, I gotta get on that man. He's a doer.
He's a smart guy. He's a doer. Marquis of Hell rebelled against God
after learning of the promises that Lucifer had made. So the kings and the
princes and the dukes, they all got these promises like hey, yeah,
you're you're in. It's like it's kind of like a pyramid scheme really,
Like it's just kind of like you bought Facebook when it was at like one
hundred and ten. Yeah, you still make good money. Yeah we're getting
lower on the tone and pulled up. But yeah, you know you weren't.
You didn't buy Facebook stock at fifteen dollars or something. Now, counts
of Hell are completely different than anything. They didn't join because they believed in
Lucifer. They just I think counselor gin. I think councer gin. Really,
because these demons joined solely out of their hatred for mankind and jealousy over
God's love for man. Oh, which is genis that's genies. Gin.
We're like, what if you don't remember the Gin episode? In Islam,
it's believed that genies were made before people were, and they are there the
element they were made from his fire. Yeah, there's the element humans were
made from. Is dirt or mud or whatever. I mean, this is
in the Koran as far as I know, and essentially the Gin. Rightfully,
I think if you're made of fire, We're like, why does God?
Why does a law like these mud people more than they like us glorious
fire people. Yeah, mud puts off fire, dude, that's true.
Mud beats fire. Mud does be fire because it's wet unless check it out.
The genies turned those mud people into pots they can like, they killed
them, they killed they killed them, they killed them, they've killing them.
Yeah, yeahs turn us into pottery. Yeah. The night Furcus,
he's the only night in hell. He was an angel who loved magic above
all, but was prevented from practicing dark arts by the holy powers. Lucifer
promised him the ability to increase his knowledge of all magical systems and to propagate
them across the Earth and recognition of his vow, Lucifer appointed Fercus as his
soul knight. He's kind of like the guy spreading the gospel of Like,
dude, dark shit. So if I can just ask a question for a
second, sure telling me this angel essentially had hobbies. Yeah, he liked
to practice match Yeah, but Heaven was like, no, that hobby's not
really allowed here, and Satan was like, hey, I'll let you do
your He's just Palpatine recruiting Anakin pretty much. Yeah. And then there's the
last role. President is like the lowest in Hell. So presidents of Hell,
we're servants to the higher angels who rebelled against God and we're cast out
of Heaven for following their leaders into battle. They were the biggest lackeys of
them all. Okay, yeah, they were not directly loyal to Lucifer,
just their superiors, so they were given the lowest rank amongst the fallen angels,
and Lucifer's like, yeah, you just kind of worked for these guys.
Yeah. I think every president in hell's the lowest person there too.
Yeah. Fucking Americans fucking hate the president, that's right, man, Which
president doesn't matter, just fucking hate them. Hate the government, Hate presidents,
hate judges, hate them all real quick. Before we get back to
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Sleep so good you think you're dead you do. You're dead, so
comfy, it's spooky. I'm gonna go through some descriptions some demons now too,
just because I thought you guys would be interested. Yeah, I want
to hear about demons. Okay. So the first demon listed in the grimoire
ball bal depending on what be al b aal bow is life brou He has
described as a horseley voiced king with the power to make men invisible, ruling
over sixty six legions of demons. Damn yeah, it's a lot of demons.
He's got well legions a thousand, right, so he's got an army
of sixty six thousand. He's spreading himself thin. No way, he's having
these day to day interactions with his troops. Well, no, but needed
it, you know, Napoleon or Patent. No, he talked every single
one the players like good job. Battle doesn't start to none of his battles
start to, like eight PM, all of them. Victor, how's the
family? What are you doing? The lesser key of Solomon describes bal As
appearing in the form of a cat, toad man, some combination of them,
or other diverse shaves a horse. He's as a horse voice, so
it's just like a cat toad like hops up and he's like, do you
want to be invisible? Pretty much? Yeah? You want to see what
it looks like? Yeah? Is what he looks like? Yeah? Pretty
gross? Yeah, he kind of looks like Charles. He does look like
King Charles a little bit, doesn't he? No? Is it the toad
and cat head that throw it off? Kind of looks like he does look
let me say again, Yeah, dance right. He looks like Latimer Putin.
He does look like Putin. Yeah. Uh, I'm just going like
one demon for each rank. So there's Duke A. Garris. He is
under the power of the East. He's described as an old man riding upon
a crocodile and carrying a hawk on his fist. I swear to God,
if this guy looks like jan Pin, I'm gonna lose my mind. I
will find a picture him. Garris does not look like Jean Ping. Let
me see. I'll be the judge of that. The Garriss does not look
like chi j Ping let me see. Okay, but they do both have
tails. That's the crocodile's now, that's mau man. I don't know.
That mustache is pretty uh, Mussolini. He might be Mussolini anyway, this
guy's my favorite because you're riding a crocodile and that's how he's supposed to show
himself in your fucking magic circle. I'd be I mean, that's dope.
Yeah. By the way, my favorite thing I forgot to chime in on
this was that the witch was like, now, a lot of the summoning
involves sort of demon management. It's like, yeah, obviously, if you
summon a demon, you're gonna have to like be managing that demon. Yeah,
of course, like you got to talk to them very directly apparently.
Yeah, Like you can't like mince words or else will be like what fuck
you? Like, they'll just ruin your life. Yeah, I don't want
to micromanage a demon. You have to be very specific or else they find
loopholes. That's the whole thing. What do you just bring them up and
they're like, you're just like, suck my dick. Interpret that. They'd
probably be like then balls, just like a toad or cats. You want
to toad head or the cat head? Yeah, like toad obviously, good
lord, we want a demon in the sack, that's true. You want
to angel in the streets. But a demon in the sheets. Yeah yeah,
uh but yeah, So a Garris teaches languages, He stops and retrieves
runaway persons, which is interesting, like why does he do that? Well,
that used to be a profitable business. You can ask William Travis.
You ask Big Milk. Those cartons. Those cartons will get you. Imagine
a demon just coming up with a milk carton. He uh, would be
funny. It'd be funny if Milk has been doing that since before the Civil
War. And I just used to be runaway. It just wanted posters on
the milk. And then after all the slaves are free, they were like,
well we gotta pivot to kidnap kids. I guess, well, gotta
do something. The space ain't kind of sell itself. Find some grieving mothers.
Anyway. Garis can also cause earthquakes, and he can grant noble titles.
There's Prince Rod to bury the lead. He'll teach you languages. What
was another dumb one he had retrieving runaway Retrieving runaway people also causes earthquake,
can rip the earth into two and give you royalty I guess status. So
yeah, you're like, I don't have any one that's missing. You might
not be very useful. It's like I couldn't destroy any city you want.
Oh okay, and then make you king of something. Oh yeah, cause
started with that. Yeah, you need to flip your list, buddy.
Oh he's limited, all right. You can only do it where the tectonic
plates are either way. He's like de Moine, I can't do it.
What's that The Mystery Man? Do you remember that movie with Uh? It
was like kel Mitchell. Kel Mitchell played a superhero that could only turn invisible
if no one was looking at him. Oh yeah, it was great.
Uh. Print He's like Boo from Super Mario pretty much. Yeah. But
if you look at him, me just is there you see him? Yeah?
Uh. Prince of Robbie's is the next one in the prince level.
He answers questions and gives one power and control over others. So if you
want to do like one thing to a person, like have one power over
them, he can help you with that. Okay. He protects from the
persecution of evil spirits and also from enemies. He will put a stop to
slander and gossip, so he just cuts that shit out. So if you
get like me too, yeah, you can hit up a Robbie's yeah,
be like, hey, shut this story down. This is one of my
favorites of his. He can discern the present what so he knows what's going
on. Will makes sense if you're like, hey, what like if you're
like trying to do a business deal or something like, what are they thinking?
Yeah? I guess so well yeah, he can also foretell the future.
So I burying the lead again. He is the Patron of horses,
the demon patron, I guess. And he appears as a hybrid black stallion
person bucking with so he's kind of like a horseman. I will pull up
a picture of him for you right now. He's ridiculous looking. All of
these guys are ridiculous and I love them all. What's his name orobus o
r abe? Did you said there was an Eligis Elegis? I haven't said
enough Elgius? Okay, Well, Saint Eligius or Saint Elois is the patron
saint of horses. So I was just wondering if there was a this is
your boy Orobis? Oh Lord, that guy's gonna fuck you up. He's
a black stallion man, run up dog. That thing he kind of looks
like he would just slap fight you, Like he wouldn't like throw fists just
Rick Flair chop after Rick Flair, definitely make that noise, which would be
horrifying from a demon too. Yeah, yeah, all right. Some demons,
by the way, are hot, Okay, I would hope. So
it's because they're none of them actually look very good right now. Uh.
Lore is a mighty great marquis of Hell who has thirty legions of demons under
his power. He causes great battles and disputes. He makes gang Green wounds
caused by arrows. So I feel like that gang Green thing with a bigger
deal back when they invented him. Yeah for sure. I mean like you
get shot by an arrow, you're gonna die. Yeah for sure. No,
So he like makes sure like if you're going into battles, like I
want all my arrows to cause gang Green. Yeah, he's gonna be like
where it's like now, antibiotics kind of neutralize that power, right. He
is described as a really gaalleant like handsome archer, like kind of like a
Robin Hood type guy or ah Jod Orlando Bloom play in Troy Paris. I
don't played Paris. I don't know rob Legals, Gang Green Defense in the
nineties pretty formidable. Was it the nineties? I thought it was like the
seventies, Papa Ryan. I thought it was when Dick Vermeil coached him Gang
Green Gang Green Defense was under Ryan. Okay, you don't even win shit,
No, buddy, Ryan did not win anything, but you know,
we're fun. There's President Marbles of Hell. He's a great President of Hell,
governing thirty six legions of demons. He answers truly on hidden or secret
things, so like if you want to know where something is or some secret
knowledge that you don't know yet, I'll tell you the truth. It's like,
hey, we're their aliens are oswell, And he'd be like yeah,
yeah, hey dude, uh fuck, I'm like totally blanking on the assassin's
name. It did he kill JFK da Lee Harvey aswell killed JFK? No,
man, I'd be funny. He was just like, yeah, actually,
it's funny. I shot. One of the most common things about these
they all talk hoarsely, so like a lot of smoke. Yeah, yeah,
you know, yeah, totally. All of this has to be done
in an incredibly dim room by the way, so like when you see them,
you kind of see him because you know, like plausible viability exactly.
He caused for who, for everyone, for the demons, for you,
it's just it's just fun in your house. Yeah, with shapes and salt.
It's really the journey and not of the destination. He causes and heals
diseases. He gives wisdom and knowledge in mechanical arts, so I guess he
can help you like rebuild your engine. His legions, all all the mechanics
we were talking about. Mars Marbot's just says a jiffy loop down and home.
I just knew it. That's President Marbles. He's really good at oil
changes and it's and it. By the way, it makes sense that all
the mechanics work for the lowest president. That's the lowest one. Yeah,
he is h He's depicted as a great lion that, under the conjuror's request
changes shape into a man. So he'll show up as a lion first and
he'll be like, hey, Marble's chill out. I get it. Turn
into a man. He's like, I'm fine, I want to just be
a lyon, but a hot one. Yeah, yeah, you can ask.
I guess. Yeah, I'm not trying to look at him. I'll
go uh real quick. King Payment is actually described as a very like flamboyant
man that rides a camel and he talks very loudly. He's super arrogant and
like he has a bunch of people just like playing tambourines in front of him.
He kind of looks like a Manson family person. Okay, I was
gonna, I was almost picturing like diet issis. Yeah, but count for
first the last one I'm going to talk about, So we hit all of
our notes here. Count for Fur. That's a powerful great count of Hell,
being the ruler of twenty six legions. He's a liar and less compelled
to enter a magic triangle where he gives true answers to every question. He
speaks with a rough voice as well. He causes love between a man and
a woman. He can create storms and teaches of secret divine things, so
like hidden God knowledge, he speaks on not corporal like man knowledge. But
I like that too. Yeah. He's depicted as a deer or winged deer,
and to some authors, he changes from deer into angel when compelled to
enter the magic triangle. Now, all of this, to say the least
is you want to make a bit like I mean, if you want to
dive into the stuff, it's pretty interesting. It is a boring read.
I never thought reading a book of dem about dem like i'd hand, But
it's here. That's what you really needn't know though, right, Like if
you were handed a manual a time or if your hand, if if someone
was like, hey, here's a time machine. This is a real fucking
time machine. But you have to read this manual. Yeah, and it's
on the time machine and it's hard. Yeah, it's really hard to make
it work. Like you would be bored to fucking tears reading the Delorean's manual.
I will be real with you. You could tell me step by step
how to make a billion dollars. If it's like longer than three pages,
I'm not gonna read it. Why are you so horse? Are you a
demon? Perhaps the demon's coming out within me? So well, I think
all of this really is I'm going like hyper practical here. Everything's about alignment
of your room directions. You need to be facing shapes you need to be
looking at, including sigils, which sigils are just very complex shapes drawn to
represent something. You know, you can make a sigil out of anything,
really, but it's all I think mental and transmitt So I think all of
this really is like I don't think Salomon binded physical hell demons. I think
what he's doing is just hardcore meditation because this stuff takes a long time,
it takes repetitive movements, it's very ritualistic. There's certain steps you have to
go instant. There's things you have to smell, things you have to say.
I think it's all about getting yourself into the right mind space in order
to unlock these demons. Are just mental states that allow you to do something
differently. So like think about it this way. You know, you have
a big presentation right in the morning, say, or like in a week,
and you want to make sure you are in the right headspace and you
want to make sure you deliver on it. We don't have like what do
you want to call it self help training and like corporate management training in seventeen
hundred or sixteen hundred. What you have is superstition at demon yeah, or
like this thing you can do and yeah, sure you're committing a dark art
or whatever, but at the same time, you are spending so much time
focusing intently on the thing you want that you're tricking yourself into believe, like
operating in a way that you're gonna get it by doing all this stuff,
Like you're programming yourself through physical shit something. That's where the common that's come
out and like the last probably fifty sixty years is called chaos magic. It's
basically taking all of the ship from the lesser and greater keys of Salomon and
being like, look, you're not actually summoning a demon. You're just going
to a place in your head. So what if you just do it that
instead of like all this bullshit dancing around asking for demons, trying to pierce
the veil, you just sit intently and think about what you want, and
you make your own little sigil, and then you do a ritual whatever makes
sense to you. The most modern thing I've ever heard. Hey man,
she say, you know you new debut. What Solomon is so unimpressive that
I can't even recall or think of somebody that his name Solomon that has done
anything notable. Solomon Patton. That's a athlete, right, No, No,
the only athlete I can think of as Solomon Hill, who's a pretty
average basketball player. Yeah he's not that good. Yeah, it wasn't King
Solomon. The when I was like, I'll cut this baby in half.
Yes, that was King Solomon, who that's like, all right, we'll
figure out who the mom is. We'll cut it in half and you can
each half half. And the one lady that was clearly lying was like that
sounds good, which which what The only thing I get added is that King
Solomon was like, Oh, this isn't gonna tell me who the real mother
is by her getting upset. It's going to just confirm to me that the
woman trying to steal her baby is in fact and say yeah, yeah,
pretty much, because like no right person would be like, yes, that
makes sense. You should have followed through. Give them sucked up. I
made my ruling. That's a classic, like Old Testament way of doing.
It's like, all right, stab your son, yeah, kill him,
man. They just want you to stab your kids. They want they really
they want you to get as close as possible. But what'd you guys learned
today? I learned that, you know, the first temple of Solomon was
built by demons or the first Jewish Temple was built by demons. Not choose,
Yeah, not choose if you believe in non canonical texts like the Book
of Enoch, I prefer my own fan fiction to what really happen. But
also, what's the difference between a Jew and a demon? You know?
Wow? I think that's kind of what you're alluding to, right, No,
that's what you just set out, wowed. No, I think that's
just what the text means. Everything you just read. It's not actual demon,
it's just Jewish people. You're the guy Rob was talking about earlier,
the anti Semiti that just needed the push. Dan'smen I and that shotgun in
the in the room all all episode, the salt one, the real one.
Damn it? What'd you learned? Dan? I learned that I can
take this night based on names Fercus, Fercus. I'm not getting mrked by
a dude named Fergus that is a nineties nerd character and names like ferguson Yeah,
I'm shoving this dude in the locker Fercus. It's like, oh,
yeah, who's up? Who's Hitler? Uh Man? I don't know,
uh Solomon, I guess we just named like nine demons. Yeah, yeah,
but none of them are real, you know, head honchos. Maybe
Lucifer bow Man. Lucifer could be Hitler, you know who it's Lucifer or
Solomon. I actually I guess Lucifer because he made all of you is.
It's really like, you know, was was Hitler the worst guy in the
Nazis? No, they were people under him Himler was arguably worse. Yeah,
but who enabled who enabled them, who let them, who let them
loose on the world? Yeah, yeah, totally definitely that. Well,
hey, guys, if you want to summon some demons, check out the
Lesser Key of Solomon. Waste your time for nine hours and find the right
day where the sun and the moon and all that stuff sligne. Let us
know how it goes. Do it, especially if you need a boyfriend.
Yeah, I would definitely recommend it for boyfriends. Look up the right one.
Make sure it's the right one. Have a good offering too. Don't
be coming you got If you come for a demon, you come correct.
Or I would say, if you just need sex, get fucked by that
guy who was like one third human two thirds tors ah. Yes, it
was like a minotaur, but only the torso was human. But only one
third of him. His penis is human. No penis, it's actually the
first parts with a human cock. It's very unimpressive. That's the worst thing
I've ever pictured. So it's a I think you should leave. It is
like it's it's a horse. There's a bit about a horse farm where all
the horses have small dogs. So the guys don't feel asculated by the show.
But it's very funny. I always see the memes. Yeah, well
that's it for today. Again. Check us out, leave a review,
go to YouTube, subscribe to us there. Check out our patreon, Patreon,
dot com, slash software history, leave a review, Apple and iTunes
Spotify five stars, Apple, Just leave a review. Please, if you
can text, write something out, make it funny and actually, let's let's
read some reviews. Let's do it. Let's do it. Yea review time.
Let's see how many reviews we've gotten since that call to action? How
many you got the CTA most weeks? All right? Last one was titled
deeply educational by truly hard to say. I consider myself a very high brow
man, and this by far the most high brow media I consume. Five
stars. That is sad, that's that's you should really somebody check on you.
Yeah, up, up your game, bro, you should be the
lowest right making history fun. Love this podcast. I almost get a full
heart on every time I get into a notification for a new episode? Is
that gay or can it? Just say no homo and they'll be fine.
It doesn't matter if it is or it isn't, as long as you're enjoying
yourself, I know. Yeah, that's all that matters. Yeah. And
by the way, in case you're wondering, legally, you cannot get out
of a murder charge if you say no homo before you kill someone. It
doesn't work. No, no, it doesn't work in any aspect about you
will still be accused of being gay anyway. Yeah. An Aphrodisiac by Caleb
Hutt. Long time listener here one time while I was having sex with my
girlfriend. She also listens to the show. The playlist that put on was
too short to finish the deed and Spotify autoplated an episode of this show.
We let the episode play. Needless to say, we both finished. Thanks
Dan Robin Jake Opie finished the episode as well. We like when you listen
to the end. Well, look after you fuck You're gonna like just lay
there for a little bit and then they're clean up, So like you're gonna
I don't know how long they were fucking or whatever, but like you're gonna
you get I feel like you get like an extra ten to fifteen minutes of
just like chill time. Yeah, totally. I let us know if it
was the facts or the banter that got you there. That's the most important
thing. Whose voice really? Yeah? Who's voice? His voice? Did
you finish on? Not the Lady the Man? Yeah, obviously. Anyway,
that's it for our show. Thanks so much for listening. For Rob
Fox and Dan Rochester. I'm Jake Goldman. You just goss all served