WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.160 --> 00:00:11.199 This is Pod Popular Podcast for the People, the Great Love Debate. It's 2 00:00:11.240 --> 00:00:17.679 the Great Love Debate, the Great Love Debate. It's a Great Love Debase. 3 00:00:18.079 --> 00:00:22.559 Hi again, Everyone's Brian Howie. Welcome to the Great Love Debate, 4 00:00:22.600 --> 00:00:26.920 the world's number one dating and a relationship podcast since twenty fifteen. I am 5 00:00:26.960 --> 00:00:32.439 back here in the very fine studios of Pod Popular Podcasts for the People. 6 00:00:32.679 --> 00:00:36.920 I am at the one in Scottsdale, Arizona. Is absolutely lovely in Scottsdale, 7 00:00:36.920 --> 00:00:40.799 Arizona. Somebody email me otherday like, they said that you like recording 8 00:00:40.799 --> 00:00:43.640 in Scottsdale better than all the other places you record, And I said, 9 00:00:43.679 --> 00:00:46.880 I think because I like Scottsdale better than all the other places you record. 10 00:00:47.079 --> 00:00:53.479 Although it's a very fine studio, I am very very hesitant to ever use 11 00:00:53.560 --> 00:00:59.799 the words relationship expert on this show because I think it's the one thing that 12 00:00:59.840 --> 00:01:03.799 no but He's mastered. But I am going to push that envelope as close 13 00:01:03.840 --> 00:01:07.120 as I can that I have somebody who probably if we graded everything on the 14 00:01:07.120 --> 00:01:08.719 curve, you remember what grading on the curve is, So whether there was 15 00:01:08.760 --> 00:01:11.879 a scale of who knows the least and who knows the most, I believe 16 00:01:11.879 --> 00:01:15.439 I have the person who knows the most, or at least has had more 17 00:01:15.480 --> 00:01:21.560 conversations with more people and more forums about more subjects than anybody else. She's 18 00:01:21.599 --> 00:01:23.200 written a whole bunch of books on it. She's been on just about every 19 00:01:23.200 --> 00:01:26.920 possible television network about it. I don't want to age her too much, 20 00:01:26.959 --> 00:01:30.319 but she's been doing this a long long time. She knows where all the 21 00:01:30.359 --> 00:01:34.599 love bodies are buried. The Lovely Doctor, Gilda Carl, how are you 22 00:01:34.159 --> 00:01:38.280 fine? Thank you for having me here? What did MTV call you the 23 00:01:38.840 --> 00:01:44.560 love Goddess? Thanks so much for upping that. Oh but the love Doc 24 00:01:44.760 --> 00:01:47.879 the love Doc and I couldn't get rid of the title here. I was 25 00:01:47.959 --> 00:01:52.799 teaching at a university and everybody said, get the love doc to weigh in 26 00:01:52.840 --> 00:01:56.719 on this looking about business subject. No, you have been the go to 27 00:01:56.879 --> 00:01:59.840 person on just about every media outlet for a long long time. I want 28 00:01:59.879 --> 00:02:04.840 to get you in here. Why did you become interested in this subject matter? 29 00:02:05.760 --> 00:02:12.800 I wrote my doctoral dissertation many many years ago on interpersonal relationships and self 30 00:02:12.840 --> 00:02:20.400 concept, and that all washed into how people relate, and I was finding 31 00:02:20.479 --> 00:02:25.199 that there were so many problems with interpersonal relationships and nobody was really delving deep 32 00:02:25.319 --> 00:02:30.639 enough into them. So I thought, this is something that fascinates me. 33 00:02:30.919 --> 00:02:35.319 And why do you think it was that we don't dive deep into them because 34 00:02:35.360 --> 00:02:38.840 of what I said earlier, nobody's really mastered it, or because it hits 35 00:02:38.879 --> 00:02:42.159 too close to home for a lot of people. So somebody told me once 36 00:02:42.280 --> 00:02:46.439 there's no there's a lot of shows about lawyers, but there's very few even 37 00:02:46.479 --> 00:02:51.719 episodes about divorce lawyers because somebody's like even the people create them, it hits 38 00:02:51.719 --> 00:02:55.759 too close to home. It's the fear factor once again. People are terrified 39 00:02:57.120 --> 00:03:04.879 of getting too close to what really is making them tick. If something is 40 00:03:05.080 --> 00:03:10.439 touching them all that much, then they got to run away from it. 41 00:03:10.719 --> 00:03:15.479 And then you see, and this challenged me. So if they have to 42 00:03:15.560 --> 00:03:19.400 run away from it, well I want to run where they're going. Yeah, 43 00:03:19.439 --> 00:03:23.840 I think that's true. You're the moth to the flame. They if 44 00:03:23.879 --> 00:03:25.039 somebody asked me this the other day, they go, Hi, are you 45 00:03:25.039 --> 00:03:29.520 ever gonna I've done four hundred and I don't know fifty episodes of this podcast 46 00:03:29.560 --> 00:03:31.360 and five hundred live shows. They go, You're ever gonna run on? 47 00:03:31.400 --> 00:03:37.199 A things to talk about? And I go no, because it's the one 48 00:03:37.280 --> 00:03:42.319 thing that everybody has experience with, good or bad. Everybody has an opinion 49 00:03:42.360 --> 00:03:46.599 on, everybody has anecdotes from everybody, has pain from everybody. It's the 50 00:03:46.639 --> 00:03:53.479 one thing that unites us all is this constant quest, struggle, hope for 51 00:03:53.639 --> 00:04:00.560 a fulfilling relationship. Even those who do not want to admit it. People 52 00:04:00.599 --> 00:04:03.879 have told me, oh, I'm not after a relationship. Now, we 53 00:04:04.000 --> 00:04:09.280 say that all the time the way man, we know I say that all 54 00:04:09.280 --> 00:04:11.759 the time in my show that no, I know, I hear it all 55 00:04:11.800 --> 00:04:16.800 the time. Okay, Either they don't trust that it's possible or they don't 56 00:04:18.079 --> 00:04:20.920 know how to find it. Because if you gave the ones who're like I 57 00:04:21.000 --> 00:04:25.639 just want to have fun, if you gave them, if you had a 58 00:04:25.680 --> 00:04:28.360 notary in here and gave them a document and said, if you sign this, 59 00:04:28.480 --> 00:04:31.439 I can give you a happy, loving, sharing, fulfilling, honest 60 00:04:31.480 --> 00:04:34.759 relationship with one other person, would you sign for that? They would if 61 00:04:34.800 --> 00:04:41.839 they could trust it. They don't trust that that it's possible, or they 62 00:04:41.839 --> 00:04:44.759 don't trust the notary. I don't know, but they do want it. 63 00:04:44.800 --> 00:04:46.360 The ones are like, I just want a fun. I'm good, I 64 00:04:46.360 --> 00:04:49.240 want I'm happy being alone. No you're not. No you're not. That 65 00:04:49.399 --> 00:04:55.959 is such bs. We know better than that. Everybody is meant to interact 66 00:04:56.319 --> 00:05:01.879 right, and you're most fulfilling, most beautiful, and most wonderful relationship is 67 00:05:01.879 --> 00:05:06.560 the one that you have with yourself. And if they cannot have relationships with 68 00:05:06.680 --> 00:05:13.959 other people, it's only because they have not established themselves as grounded people who 69 00:05:14.000 --> 00:05:18.040 can connect with themselves first. In order to say I love you, it 70 00:05:18.120 --> 00:05:23.439 has to come with a capital I. I think it does. We are 71 00:05:23.519 --> 00:05:27.199 wired to be in relationship. We are wired to couple mate, whatever the 72 00:05:27.319 --> 00:05:30.600 unattractive term you want to say, have sex. Yeah, we're wired to 73 00:05:30.639 --> 00:05:36.160 be together. We're wired to want another person, and so to deny our 74 00:05:36.199 --> 00:05:40.240 fundamental wiring or to lock it off or to shut it off or I mean, 75 00:05:40.399 --> 00:05:42.279 you need to go see a therapist, probably before you go on a 76 00:05:42.360 --> 00:05:44.600 date. But you have to deal with the why on that. You can't 77 00:05:44.639 --> 00:05:46.600 just spend like, I don't know, I'm just happy being alone. I 78 00:05:46.639 --> 00:05:50.720 think you have to understand why. I don't really think they're really happy of 79 00:05:50.800 --> 00:05:55.639 being alone. And you don't know what happens under their roof when the doors 80 00:05:55.680 --> 00:05:59.279 are close. You don't know how much they're crying, how much they're watching 81 00:05:59.319 --> 00:06:03.879 the whole Mark channel. Apologies to Hallmark, but you don't know what's really 82 00:06:04.160 --> 00:06:09.439 happening. And when girlfriends get together, I'll let you in on this little 83 00:06:09.480 --> 00:06:14.720 secret pride. When girlfriends get together, we always talk about men. Oh 84 00:06:14.800 --> 00:06:24.519 yeah, and this goes across the board with CEOs that I have counseled with, 85 00:06:25.399 --> 00:06:29.560 people who are on lower levels of the corporate echelon, who I have 86 00:06:29.639 --> 00:06:35.560 worked with, everybody is interested in talking about men. The women. Yes, 87 00:06:35.759 --> 00:06:42.519 oh, there's bars, restaurants within fifty feet of here filled with women 88 00:06:43.720 --> 00:06:46.079 talking about men, complaining about men, wanting men wear. Now, I'm 89 00:06:46.079 --> 00:06:49.319 not saying the men won't talk about the women, but they won't talk about 90 00:06:49.360 --> 00:06:53.160 it as openly as honestly with a group of women. They might talk about 91 00:06:53.160 --> 00:06:56.519 how she looked or what she did, or that's all the superficial study. 92 00:06:56.680 --> 00:06:59.759 Right, They're walled off. So I'm not saying it's unhealthy for the women 93 00:06:59.800 --> 00:07:02.480 to it out and do that. They process it a little bit better than 94 00:07:02.519 --> 00:07:09.079 men. Some girl at sixteen years old might have rejected them or paid no 95 00:07:09.120 --> 00:07:12.680 attention to them. They might that might manifest itself when they're fifty two years 96 00:07:12.720 --> 00:07:15.399 old in a relationship because they don't process it. You said to me, 97 00:07:15.519 --> 00:07:18.279 like, I think you go to therapy like me, you like sensed my 98 00:07:18.399 --> 00:07:24.639 wounds. Come on, I've been in this business for quite a while, 99 00:07:24.920 --> 00:07:29.240 and I have a pretty good third eye. I'm able to scope out people 100 00:07:29.319 --> 00:07:32.199 who are sensitive and people who are walled off. Yeah, I mean that's 101 00:07:32.319 --> 00:07:35.879 that's pretty obvious to me. It's not obvious to a lot of people, 102 00:07:36.240 --> 00:07:42.000 but I have very not be walled off. It's an easier way to go 103 00:07:42.120 --> 00:07:46.120 through with the blinders on and the walls up and emotionally unavailable. It is. 104 00:07:46.720 --> 00:07:49.879 It has a ceiling on it, but it also as a higher floor. 105 00:07:50.079 --> 00:07:55.480 And when does this ceiling get met? The ceiling gets met when you 106 00:07:55.560 --> 00:08:00.079 realize that life is not as fulfilling as you probably hope it could be, 107 00:08:00.439 --> 00:08:03.600 or hurt it could be, and you're like, I'm going through this life 108 00:08:03.600 --> 00:08:07.519 in this sort of middle emotional bandwidth, and at some point you feel confident 109 00:08:07.600 --> 00:08:11.399 enough or comfortable enough that you're willing to be vulnerable enough to put more chips 110 00:08:11.439 --> 00:08:15.480 on the table and go for it. Right. Ah, I think there's 111 00:08:15.519 --> 00:08:22.079 something more to that. I think that it reaches its peak when they recognize 112 00:08:22.680 --> 00:08:33.480 that something is missing and they don't want to deal with anything beyond the something 113 00:08:33.639 --> 00:08:39.039 is missing, but they know that they're miserable. They on some level, 114 00:08:39.120 --> 00:08:43.000 I can't believe that they can't imagine that they are not narcissistic, and it's 115 00:08:43.080 --> 00:08:52.200 gotten to them that they can't give. And the beautiful thing about relationships is 116 00:08:52.440 --> 00:08:56.840 the giving and receiving. I just turned to a guy recently and said, 117 00:08:58.120 --> 00:09:03.080 you have a problem with receiving, don't you? And he was just taken 118 00:09:03.120 --> 00:09:05.759 aback. He said, yeah, because they don't feel worthy worthy. It 119 00:09:05.799 --> 00:09:09.600 all comes down to trust, the concept and worthy and that could go back 120 00:09:09.600 --> 00:09:18.000 to childhood. You didn't receive the love that your parents, grandparents' family gave 121 00:09:18.039 --> 00:09:20.159 to you. You didn't learn how to properly and I'm one of these people. 122 00:09:20.360 --> 00:09:24.480 You didn't learn how to properly absorb it, and so getting it from 123 00:09:24.559 --> 00:09:28.919 new people is scary. Or maybe the kind of love that they were getting 124 00:09:30.720 --> 00:09:35.840 was not healthy right, or it wasn't something that sort of matched their wiring. 125 00:09:35.960 --> 00:09:39.519 So you've been doing this a long time again not to age you. 126 00:09:39.720 --> 00:09:45.240 How have things changed since shared doing this? And how's the dialogue at least 127 00:09:45.360 --> 00:09:50.080 changed. Well, now there's more hiding, more hiding than I have ever 128 00:09:50.120 --> 00:09:54.399 seen before, the ghosting and the bread crumbing and the gas lighting and all 129 00:09:54.399 --> 00:09:58.519 the other things that we have these beautiful, fancy words for. In essence, 130 00:10:00.440 --> 00:10:05.879 it's all hiding. It's running from right. And because of that, 131 00:10:05.600 --> 00:10:13.600 the people that they leave in their midst are pissed off. They are furious, 132 00:10:13.080 --> 00:10:16.080 and they don't know what to do and how to correct it. And 133 00:10:16.200 --> 00:10:22.399 of course, if they're kind of if they have a shabby self esteem, 134 00:10:22.639 --> 00:10:24.039 they'll say, well, what did I do wrong? If I could only 135 00:10:24.080 --> 00:10:31.000 have if I could only have been more beautiful, thinner, richer, right, 136 00:10:31.279 --> 00:10:35.600 I mean, whatever, whatever it is, if only I could have 137 00:10:35.840 --> 00:10:41.799 been. And the truth is they were putting out the best they could, 138 00:10:41.200 --> 00:10:46.919 right, And for everybody out there who's listening, please understand, you did 139 00:10:46.159 --> 00:10:52.960 the best you could with all the information you had at that moment. And 140 00:10:52.039 --> 00:10:56.679 now it's up to the other person because it has to be a give and 141 00:10:56.720 --> 00:11:01.240 take. It has to be a give and take, and some people don't 142 00:11:01.279 --> 00:11:07.799 necessarily give and take as overtly. Maybe how we communicate with each other, 143 00:11:07.080 --> 00:11:11.000 maybe she did feel that way or he felt that way, and they just 144 00:11:11.039 --> 00:11:15.559 didn't communicate it in a way that the other person could hear and accept. 145 00:11:15.879 --> 00:11:18.320 And God forbid, we should share our feelings. Oh, I know. 146 00:11:18.360 --> 00:11:22.600 I heard from a lot of women all the time. I'm like, she's 147 00:11:22.600 --> 00:11:24.879 like, yeah, I thought we had a good time and he didn't ask 148 00:11:24.879 --> 00:11:26.879 me out again. And I go, well, maybe he couldn't tell that 149 00:11:26.919 --> 00:11:30.279 you had a good time, And she's like, he could tell. No, 150 00:11:30.440 --> 00:11:33.279 he probably couldn't tell. It's a level only dogs can hear. These 151 00:11:33.320 --> 00:11:37.399 women say, well, I put out all the signals that we want. 152 00:11:37.000 --> 00:11:41.200 I did no idea we have Sometimes the men have no idea because a lot 153 00:11:41.200 --> 00:11:43.320 of the time the dialogue is coming from the man, you look beautiful, 154 00:11:43.360 --> 00:11:46.440 would you like to go out? This was great? And she's probably at 155 00:11:46.519 --> 00:11:52.639 best saying thank you. That's not the same as him hearing the words back. 156 00:11:52.679 --> 00:11:54.440 And a lot of women are like, I shouldn't have to spell it 157 00:11:54.480 --> 00:11:56.679 out for him. You have to spell it out for him sometimes. Sorry, 158 00:12:00.080 --> 00:12:03.799 age, you're right, I don't want to I don't want to be 159 00:12:03.919 --> 00:12:09.240 right. But a lot of times this you know, Yin and Yang, 160 00:12:09.639 --> 00:12:13.799 Mars and venus, you know, whatever we want to say, we know 161 00:12:13.159 --> 00:12:16.600 that we do not communicate to each other in the same way, in the 162 00:12:16.639 --> 00:12:22.600 same decibels and the same anything. Yet we don't take the steps to try 163 00:12:22.639 --> 00:12:28.559 and understand either ourselves or our partners or the relationship enough to properly work through 164 00:12:28.799 --> 00:12:31.919 the muck to get to the other side and be a good relationship. I 165 00:12:31.919 --> 00:12:35.080 want to put a footnote on something that you said. You said, even 166 00:12:35.120 --> 00:12:41.840 dogs no that that only dogs can hear. I think even dogs cannot hear. 167 00:12:41.360 --> 00:12:48.559 It's so bad, it's so it's so obscure. This woman came to 168 00:12:48.600 --> 00:12:50.720 one of our live shows in Chicago and she goes, this is what I 169 00:12:50.759 --> 00:12:52.879 do when I when I like a guy, to let him know that I 170 00:12:52.919 --> 00:12:56.080 like him. She was a statue like, I'm like, what did you 171 00:12:56.200 --> 00:13:00.519 just do? She's like it's very subtle. I'm like, it's subtle. 172 00:13:00.840 --> 00:13:03.759 What did you do? She like, I move my eyebrows. I go, 173 00:13:03.000 --> 00:13:07.679 nobody ever would see that. And she's like, the ones who I'm 174 00:13:07.679 --> 00:13:09.399 interested will see that. I go, nobody will see that. And I 175 00:13:09.480 --> 00:13:11.279 asked her. We had a big crowd. I asked the audience, and 176 00:13:11.279 --> 00:13:15.120 people are like, what are you talking about? And she was so stubborn 177 00:13:15.720 --> 00:13:20.600 and so basically putting it out there that only the man who would pick up 178 00:13:20.600 --> 00:13:24.159 on my signal as a man worthy enough for me. But she is subconsciously 179 00:13:24.240 --> 00:13:28.440 or consciously making that signal so obscure that then she's like, oh, I 180 00:13:28.519 --> 00:13:31.120 just haven't found a man to pick it up instead of taking a responsibility. 181 00:13:31.120 --> 00:13:33.399 Oh god, I wrote a book called one of my many books, I 182 00:13:33.399 --> 00:13:41.240 wrote a book called I'm Worth Loving. Here's why the book sold and continues 183 00:13:41.279 --> 00:13:46.360 to sell so well, because people don't understand that they are worth loving. 184 00:13:46.960 --> 00:13:52.240 They are, and they don't understand why if you can't put it out there 185 00:13:52.799 --> 00:13:56.039 that you are, you walk into that room and you take that room over, 186 00:13:56.879 --> 00:14:01.399 well, then you better see somebody to work on that. Well, 187 00:14:01.399 --> 00:14:03.519 how do you do that? Then that's a good question. That's my next 188 00:14:03.519 --> 00:14:09.399 point. Somebody who does not feel worth loving, worthy of love, how 189 00:14:09.440 --> 00:14:13.159 do you get them to flip the switch? How do you convince them that 190 00:14:13.399 --> 00:14:16.600 where everybody is in some way worth loving? Well, if I said, 191 00:14:16.240 --> 00:14:20.960 if I said on this podcast, how about seeing a therapist? Yeah, 192 00:14:22.080 --> 00:14:24.279 I know, and then a lot of people are like, I can't afford 193 00:14:24.320 --> 00:14:26.759 a therapist, Okay, I can't afford it. Then read my book. 194 00:14:26.879 --> 00:14:30.720 I mean there are millions of self help out there, and it's easier than 195 00:14:30.720 --> 00:14:33.240 ever. There's more information out there. You can watch YouTube videos. You 196 00:14:33.279 --> 00:14:35.440 can, yes, if you don't want to read a book, if you're 197 00:14:35.480 --> 00:14:39.039 not a reader, watch YouTube videos to do whatever it takes for you to 198 00:14:39.080 --> 00:14:45.440 get out of what you consider yourself in your comfort zone. Because a lot 199 00:14:45.440 --> 00:14:48.120 of people are scared of the answers. Of course, they're scared to discover 200 00:14:48.360 --> 00:14:54.600 why either they are unlovable or they feel unlovable. That's too scary for them. 201 00:14:54.639 --> 00:14:56.759 Not everybody wants to pick up the rock and see all the bugs that 202 00:14:56.799 --> 00:15:00.399 have crawled beneath it like that is a scary proposition. You have to be 203 00:15:00.440 --> 00:15:03.279 ready for the answers, good or bad. When I first started going to 204 00:15:03.320 --> 00:15:05.559 therapy, I was looking for a therapist that would tell me I was awesome 205 00:15:07.519 --> 00:15:09.799 and when there was nothing wrong with me, stop coming to me. I 206 00:15:09.799 --> 00:15:11.320 should pay you to hear me. I was looking for that in the therapist, 207 00:15:11.919 --> 00:15:18.200 tough to find. Every time I walked onto a talk show. I 208 00:15:18.200 --> 00:15:20.679 did all the talk shows, especially Sally Jesse Rauffayel for years and years. 209 00:15:22.519 --> 00:15:26.000 Every time I would walk on somebody in who's sitting on the stage would say 210 00:15:26.039 --> 00:15:30.799 oh oh she's here today. Oh my god. Because with me, you 211 00:15:30.799 --> 00:15:33.120 get the truth. Yeah, no bullshit, no bill, Yeah, I 212 00:15:33.159 --> 00:15:35.960 know what's the sense otherwise? And I do this in my life. I 213 00:15:37.000 --> 00:15:43.600 walk my talk. I have to be my own authentic person. I spent 214 00:15:43.840 --> 00:15:48.320 years in therapy too. I did everything you've done. I've done that and 215 00:15:48.440 --> 00:15:54.000 more years crying on the couch, years going through all of this, and 216 00:15:54.080 --> 00:15:58.480 I came out of the dark tunnel into the light, and I realized that 217 00:15:58.600 --> 00:16:03.960 I can help other people, and they've got to be open to be helped. 218 00:16:03.279 --> 00:16:07.000 And that's number one. All right, we are gonna cry on the 219 00:16:07.000 --> 00:16:08.120 couch some more. In a minute, I gotta take a quick break because 220 00:16:08.120 --> 00:16:11.320 we don't pay for things like couches and therapy. Around here, I'm with 221 00:16:11.480 --> 00:16:15.840 doctor Gildacarl. We're diving into all sorts of boy and girl things. But 222 00:16:15.879 --> 00:16:23.480 we will be back right after this. And we are back. And you 223 00:16:23.480 --> 00:16:26.960 gave me a book a couple of weeks ago. What's the prince? Give 224 00:16:26.000 --> 00:16:30.879 me the sorry? The book's around here? What's the title? Don't bet 225 00:16:30.000 --> 00:16:33.399 on the Prince? What does that mean? How to have the man you 226 00:16:33.480 --> 00:16:37.720 want for betting on yourself? And the interesting thing about that book, and 227 00:16:37.879 --> 00:16:45.360 it became a cult, a cult book. It's interesting because I based it 228 00:16:45.799 --> 00:16:49.879 on business principles. Now I'm very heavily into Sun Sue The Art of War, 229 00:16:51.399 --> 00:16:56.679 and I write everything with that in mind because the true objective I need 230 00:16:56.720 --> 00:17:00.600 to read the Art of War to have better relationships. Yes, absolutely, 231 00:17:00.759 --> 00:17:07.680 because m detective. Oh, the true objective of war is peace right and 232 00:17:07.799 --> 00:17:11.960 people don't realize that. And that's what I want to get across to everybody, 233 00:17:12.119 --> 00:17:18.160 to understand that you are not put on this earth to be fighting and 234 00:17:18.359 --> 00:17:25.519 arguing and everything. I met this guy who had a mentality like a fifteen 235 00:17:25.599 --> 00:17:30.160 year old teenage boy. Everything anybody said to him was no, and he 236 00:17:30.359 --> 00:17:36.720 dug his heels into the sand with each statement, and everybody else made his 237 00:17:36.880 --> 00:17:41.400 default it was always no, and he didn't even realize that. And I 238 00:17:41.440 --> 00:17:45.160 said, my god, you're like my fifteen year old, my former fifteen 239 00:17:45.200 --> 00:17:48.599 year old stepson, who would say no automatically. And think about that. 240 00:17:48.880 --> 00:17:55.160 You have to hear your own words. That is very very important. Leave 241 00:17:55.200 --> 00:18:00.359 a tape recorder on as you talk to people on the telephone. Here, 242 00:18:00.440 --> 00:18:03.880 the way you react here, the way you emote or not emote. That's 243 00:18:04.000 --> 00:18:07.759 very that's a really good point. And I know that in the studio. 244 00:18:07.799 --> 00:18:10.720 A lot of people, you know, do podcasts and they haven't quite heard 245 00:18:10.759 --> 00:18:12.559 their voice for the first time, and the like is that how I sound? 246 00:18:12.720 --> 00:18:15.400 Or they'll listen to it and let's say, oh I say almelot I 247 00:18:15.440 --> 00:18:19.680 say like a lot like people don't know their tone in regular conversation. They 248 00:18:19.720 --> 00:18:25.000 certainly don't know their tone or their words when emotion is involved, and they 249 00:18:25.079 --> 00:18:27.440 don't know how things might be getting across, and they don't know how they're 250 00:18:27.519 --> 00:18:32.759 They sometimes imagine that they said certain things or said certain things in a certain 251 00:18:32.799 --> 00:18:36.599 way, and the other person is like, that is not what I got 252 00:18:36.640 --> 00:18:40.039 out of that at all. Well, one of the tricks in order to 253 00:18:40.160 --> 00:18:44.720 be sure that you're that the other person is hearing that what you are saying 254 00:18:45.400 --> 00:18:49.160 is to ask the person to reiterate what you said, tod, did I 255 00:18:49.200 --> 00:18:55.200 say that right? Put it? Put yourself out there as somebody who needs 256 00:18:55.240 --> 00:18:59.240 correcting, and say, did I say that right? Did that come out 257 00:18:59.319 --> 00:19:03.640 right? What did you hear me say? And let that person feed it 258 00:19:03.680 --> 00:19:06.359 back to you. That could have been I know you're right, and in 259 00:19:07.079 --> 00:19:10.039 a perfect world that works, but that could lead to a fight when they're 260 00:19:10.079 --> 00:19:12.319 repeating it back and I'm like, oh my god, that's not what you're 261 00:19:12.359 --> 00:19:18.079 not listening to me. Yeah, I understand. I've had girlfriends say to 262 00:19:18.119 --> 00:19:22.839 me one time, I only kind of half listen to everything from anybody. 263 00:19:22.920 --> 00:19:26.359 I go, that's really frustrating. When that's going to be frustrating in business 264 00:19:26.480 --> 00:19:32.200 or personal that you're kind of hearing every third word, Like there's important matters 265 00:19:32.200 --> 00:19:34.799 that you have to be present for and you have to absorb, and you 266 00:19:34.839 --> 00:19:38.079 do have to hit back the ping pong ball to the other person to let 267 00:19:38.160 --> 00:19:42.000 them know that you're at least you don't have to agree with it, but 268 00:19:42.039 --> 00:19:45.440 you do have to receive it right. Listening is the nicest thing you can 269 00:19:45.480 --> 00:19:51.079 do for somebody, and we don't. We are not a good listening culture. 270 00:19:51.599 --> 00:19:53.000 We're horrible. As a matter of fact, I've done a lot of 271 00:19:53.000 --> 00:19:56.920 corporate training. I've done I do a lot. I continue to do a 272 00:19:56.920 --> 00:20:02.319 lot of media training, and it has to do with listening to the other 273 00:20:02.480 --> 00:20:07.279 side before you respond. But in this crazy culture, until you get your 274 00:20:07.400 --> 00:20:11.039 chance to speak, you're not happy. I know. So it's a matter 275 00:20:11.119 --> 00:20:14.519 of okay when will this person shut up so I can get my two says? 276 00:20:14.759 --> 00:20:15.799 I tell them it's not right. I tell them men all the time. 277 00:20:15.880 --> 00:20:18.319 She doesn't need to be right, but she does need to be heard 278 00:20:18.680 --> 00:20:22.799 bingo, And that is sometimes hard for people to understand. It's like you 279 00:20:22.839 --> 00:20:26.640 have to let her. There could be reasons why she feels or thinks or 280 00:20:26.640 --> 00:20:30.799 says certain things a certain way that have absolutely nothing to do with you. 281 00:20:30.680 --> 00:20:33.920 It probably don't, Probably don't. You just have to hear her. That 282 00:20:34.000 --> 00:20:37.160 is really important to her, a lot more than it is to men. 283 00:20:37.680 --> 00:20:41.680 The men do want to be right. I don't want you to hear me 284 00:20:41.759 --> 00:20:44.720 unless you think I'm right. You know, it's a waste. That's a 285 00:20:44.839 --> 00:20:52.240 problem. I know that's another problem. Ye, that's chapter three. What 286 00:20:52.400 --> 00:20:56.480 is the first Take therapy out of it for a second, but the first 287 00:20:56.680 --> 00:21:00.200 I think the big picture answers always lie out your comfort zone. I think 288 00:21:00.279 --> 00:21:03.759 you have to take chances and another that's hard. As a first step. 289 00:21:04.279 --> 00:21:12.279 The first step is what getting comfortable having conversations with other people without romantic intent? 290 00:21:12.720 --> 00:21:15.839 No, no, what is it? First step is to know yourself, 291 00:21:17.240 --> 00:21:22.119 know what you're comfortable with, know what makes you uncomfortable, and be 292 00:21:22.200 --> 00:21:27.200 able to accept all of that. The list of what makes people uncomfortable or 293 00:21:27.200 --> 00:21:32.039 they don't like, they've thought about much more than what makes them comfortable. 294 00:21:32.039 --> 00:21:37.119 And culture people don't take the time to think about what they like because halfway 295 00:21:37.160 --> 00:21:42.319 through that meditative exercise they're like, accept that one guy who did this, 296 00:21:42.680 --> 00:21:45.480 and then it turns into the negative. So you have to think positively, 297 00:21:45.640 --> 00:21:49.079 well, what do I want to get out of my day? What do 298 00:21:49.160 --> 00:21:52.519 I want to get out of this encounter? What do I want to get 299 00:21:52.519 --> 00:21:56.880 this relationship? And sort of start slow, set some achievable goals right the 300 00:21:56.920 --> 00:21:59.680 old you know, you got to make the bed, get something accomplished. 301 00:21:59.720 --> 00:22:03.119 I think the best thing that everybody can do before they go to sleep every 302 00:22:03.160 --> 00:22:10.440 single night is think what one thing was the best thing that happened today? 303 00:22:11.200 --> 00:22:14.559 What are the three best things that happened today? What I learned today? 304 00:22:14.680 --> 00:22:18.119 Yeah, what did I learn today? You know, we would be better 305 00:22:18.880 --> 00:22:23.240 writing these things down. We would so that we are not angry when we 306 00:22:23.319 --> 00:22:26.480 wake up. You know, people tell me all the time, watching the 307 00:22:26.519 --> 00:22:30.720 news at night makes me crazy. I can't I get angry. I got 308 00:22:30.799 --> 00:22:33.759 so upset. Right, Well, don't watch the news. That's all negative 309 00:22:33.759 --> 00:22:37.640 stuff. I've been in the media for years and years and so have you, 310 00:22:37.039 --> 00:22:40.599 and you know, when it bleeds, it leads, right, and 311 00:22:40.640 --> 00:22:45.519 that's all they care about. They're interested in selling shock. Leave your day 312 00:22:45.519 --> 00:22:49.200 with some positivity. Yeah. I know someone who before she goes to bed, 313 00:22:51.079 --> 00:22:55.359 she has to swipe on twenty people online to get twenty matches. And 314 00:22:55.440 --> 00:22:57.000 I'm like, why, First of all, you're stim laying your brain online. 315 00:22:57.000 --> 00:22:59.720 But I'm goa go, I go, do you need to go to 316 00:22:59.720 --> 00:23:03.000 bed with validation? Is that what you need to know that you're still attractive 317 00:23:03.039 --> 00:23:06.519 at the end of the day. And she's like, yeah, I just 318 00:23:06.559 --> 00:23:10.799 need to know that, like it helps me understand that somebody might like me. 319 00:23:10.839 --> 00:23:11.680 I go, they don't. They just think you're attracted. I don't 320 00:23:11.680 --> 00:23:15.039 know about that. And I'm like, this is there's a got to be 321 00:23:15.079 --> 00:23:18.000 a better way, and there's a book for that. I'm worth loving. 322 00:23:18.039 --> 00:23:22.799 Here's why. Okay, but you said something on your one of your podcasts 323 00:23:22.000 --> 00:23:26.400 that was fascinating to me, and it was so insightful and for a man 324 00:23:26.480 --> 00:23:32.000 with therapy obviously who knew what he was talking about. You said, have 325 00:23:32.079 --> 00:23:37.079 your bad paraphrase, have your man stand in front of you for protection, 326 00:23:37.720 --> 00:23:41.920 on the side of you for love, behind you for belief. Yes, 327 00:23:42.079 --> 00:23:47.039 that was a pretty good paraphrase. Yeah, that was right. And I 328 00:23:47.079 --> 00:23:51.720 tell three things that he can do. Okay, Yeah, in front of 329 00:23:51.720 --> 00:23:59.000 her for protection, beside her for love, love, and behind her to 330 00:23:59.119 --> 00:24:04.000 believe. What how does the belief come into play. It means that I 331 00:24:04.079 --> 00:24:08.319 think you're good enough in whatever you're doing. A lot of times your partner, 332 00:24:10.559 --> 00:24:14.599 man, woman, whatever that is, needs to know. I think 333 00:24:14.640 --> 00:24:18.880 it's easier to find somebody to love you than to believe in you. And 334 00:24:18.880 --> 00:24:22.839 that is the rarest thing, you know. I think I have probably had 335 00:24:22.240 --> 00:24:26.319 a I don't know, on a good day, a dozen people probably love 336 00:24:26.400 --> 00:24:32.519 me. I think I've had two people in my whole life, career, 337 00:24:32.640 --> 00:24:37.559 whatever that I can say without any equivocation. They believed in me, and 338 00:24:37.599 --> 00:24:40.319 they changed my life, and they made me feel better about myself, and 339 00:24:40.359 --> 00:24:42.519 they did more for me than anybody. I think people are desperately looking for 340 00:24:42.559 --> 00:24:48.359 that outside of their nuclear family. They are looking for somebody to really believe 341 00:24:48.400 --> 00:24:52.119 that they are good enough, positive enough, talented enough, whatever is you 342 00:24:52.200 --> 00:24:56.480 need. And so she's like, I'm going to go start this business. 343 00:24:56.039 --> 00:25:02.359 I am going to go run this half marathon? You letting her know that 344 00:25:02.480 --> 00:25:07.119 I believe in you and I stand behind you in every all of your endeavors, 345 00:25:07.359 --> 00:25:10.079 rather than saying why are you doing that? That's a waste of time. 346 00:25:10.119 --> 00:25:12.480 What do you need to do that for? Aren't you busy bringing people 347 00:25:12.519 --> 00:25:15.720 down? And a lot of partners that are We're in been in a relationship 348 00:25:15.759 --> 00:25:18.519 a long time. I can say this to somebody because we've been married for 349 00:25:18.559 --> 00:25:21.359 fifteen years. None. No, no, no, no, no no. 350 00:25:21.640 --> 00:25:26.480 They need to know that if they have imagination or a whim or a 351 00:25:26.599 --> 00:25:30.440 passion or a curiosity to do something, that you need to support that. 352 00:25:30.000 --> 00:25:34.240 And that is really important to me because I've been in this business a very 353 00:25:34.319 --> 00:25:41.640 long time. I've changed my advice to people over the years, and I 354 00:25:41.680 --> 00:25:48.599 had a nonprofit for homeless female veterans. They taught me a lot. They 355 00:25:48.640 --> 00:25:53.359 taught me what they say in battle is I have your six got you six 356 00:25:55.160 --> 00:26:00.920 and six meaning twelve six, I got your back. Oh. And now 357 00:26:02.799 --> 00:26:08.880 my whole thing with people who I advise is does he have your back? 358 00:26:10.039 --> 00:26:14.839 Does she have your back? This is essential And I even wrote a book 359 00:26:14.920 --> 00:26:18.319 by fall Will You Catch Me? That is so important. I wrote this 360 00:26:18.480 --> 00:26:23.279 book called Don't Lie on your Back for a guy who doesn't have yours? 361 00:26:23.799 --> 00:26:27.400 Crappy English, but man, that book is selling like crazy. I know 362 00:26:27.480 --> 00:26:33.119 it's because it's a good thing, because yeah, if if don't lie on 363 00:26:33.160 --> 00:26:37.359 your back for somebody who doesn't have your back, and that's whether your male 364 00:26:37.720 --> 00:26:41.119 or female. And I originally created a book for young women because as the 365 00:26:41.160 --> 00:26:45.920 love doc on MTV, I was hearing again and again and again, well 366 00:26:45.960 --> 00:26:48.319 he did this, and he did this, and then he dumped me, 367 00:26:48.359 --> 00:26:53.319 and I said, well, what did you give him? Well he's left 368 00:26:53.319 --> 00:26:56.759 together. I said, whoa, what did you get back? And what's 369 00:26:56.839 --> 00:27:02.240 wrong with anybody saying with them? What's in it for me? Right? 370 00:27:03.160 --> 00:27:04.720 Oh, well I can't do that. Oh yes you can, Yes you 371 00:27:04.759 --> 00:27:10.240 can. You should do that. I do that in business situations and he 372 00:27:10.400 --> 00:27:12.359 kind of wants to know what you want in return, like set bars, 373 00:27:12.480 --> 00:27:15.480 you know, set the bar here you boundaries? Yeah, I agree with 374 00:27:15.640 --> 00:27:18.480 you. There are no boundaries. And that's one of the changes that has 375 00:27:18.519 --> 00:27:22.519 occurred right now. No boundaries. Oh, I'll do whatever he wants. 376 00:27:22.680 --> 00:27:26.720 And I hear from women who are getting divorced again and again, but I 377 00:27:26.759 --> 00:27:30.599 gave him everything he wanted. I said, Bingo, that's what you did 378 00:27:30.640 --> 00:27:36.039 wrong. I know. I talk a lot on the show about the blurring 379 00:27:36.079 --> 00:27:40.279 of traditional gender roles when it comes to dating and how much that screwed things 380 00:27:40.359 --> 00:27:44.519 up. Nobody's leading. We don't ask each other out. I can't pick 381 00:27:44.559 --> 00:27:48.000 you up. The chivalry's dead. We make the same amount of money on 382 00:27:48.079 --> 00:27:52.160 that kind of thing. Who pays it. It's so screwed because biologically, 383 00:27:52.319 --> 00:27:56.480 I think we still are wired a certain way. Societally we may have changed, 384 00:27:56.519 --> 00:27:57.920 but you know, on a date, I still think we're boys and 385 00:27:57.920 --> 00:28:00.839 girls, and I still think he wants to be the man, and you 386 00:28:00.880 --> 00:28:06.440 have to allow him to. You have to dial back that masculine energy sometimes, 387 00:28:06.480 --> 00:28:10.119 even though it's hard for you because you want to protect yourself and you 388 00:28:10.160 --> 00:28:15.160 have to allow him to be what he's wiring. What are you protecting yourself 389 00:28:15.559 --> 00:28:18.799 from? I don't want to be weak. You know, if I go 390 00:28:18.880 --> 00:28:21.680 hold the door for ten women, five will been like, I don't need 391 00:28:21.720 --> 00:28:25.160 you to do that. Oh my god, somebody held the door for me. 392 00:28:25.519 --> 00:28:26.640 It was very luxurious. I walked right through. It was awesome. 393 00:28:27.240 --> 00:28:30.880 I'm like, why would the women not like this? You don't have to 394 00:28:30.759 --> 00:28:37.799 touch anything super No. I think, well, society, whatever society is 395 00:28:37.839 --> 00:28:44.599 today, maybe dictating certain mores that don't work with the wiring that we have. 396 00:28:45.359 --> 00:28:48.680 I think that people have got to catch up with that. Take, 397 00:28:48.759 --> 00:28:56.200 for example, the millennial cop the millennial couple of the year of the century, 398 00:28:56.759 --> 00:29:03.880 Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey. Take that couple. Now they would know 399 00:29:04.039 --> 00:29:12.200 how woke works. He pursued her and in a woke culture that would not 400 00:29:12.279 --> 00:29:17.200 happen. Yeah, he did it, and he tried again and again, 401 00:29:17.240 --> 00:29:22.599 and he tried to get give her his number through many different sources. And 402 00:29:22.640 --> 00:29:29.720 if not for Jason Sudeikis, who what played matchmaker, that may never have 403 00:29:29.839 --> 00:29:34.079 happened. So but he and he let it be known. And he's not 404 00:29:34.240 --> 00:29:38.680 afraid of letting it be known, and she was not afraid of letting him 405 00:29:38.720 --> 00:29:42.200 take the lead. And if you see them out together, he is and 406 00:29:42.240 --> 00:29:45.319 he's a big guy. It does help, but he's every bit the protect 407 00:29:45.319 --> 00:29:51.119 her. He physically is playing that role. She's traditionally dated a lot of 408 00:29:51.160 --> 00:29:56.240 these sort of emo poet boys and actors and musicians and props to them, 409 00:29:56.319 --> 00:30:00.519 but they were in the same energy as her. And I I think that's 410 00:30:00.559 --> 00:30:04.000 part of why there's ultimately probably some disappointment in that because you're just expecting something 411 00:30:04.000 --> 00:30:07.640 that they're not giving. This is probably outside of her comfort zone. I'm 412 00:30:07.640 --> 00:30:10.880 not saying it's gonna work out. I'm not saying it is, but at 413 00:30:10.960 --> 00:30:14.799 least it has a shot to shake up her snow globe a little bit and 414 00:30:14.799 --> 00:30:17.720 see if anything's different. You know, I think it's wonderful. I think 415 00:30:17.720 --> 00:30:21.119 it's wonderful to watch. I hope they do well, and I hope they 416 00:30:21.200 --> 00:30:25.319 walk into the sunset happily ever after they do. Give me one thing that 417 00:30:25.359 --> 00:30:29.279 if you had a five hundred women here and you had to tell the women, 418 00:30:30.000 --> 00:30:30.759 this is what you need to change or do better, and the I'm 419 00:30:30.759 --> 00:30:33.680 gonna ask you the same thing for the men. If you had a room 420 00:30:33.720 --> 00:30:37.240 full of women and you had to just been like, listen, collectively, 421 00:30:37.279 --> 00:30:44.680 you need to do this. What take a chance? That's a good answer. 422 00:30:45.039 --> 00:30:48.960 That's the comfort zone thing, Dad, chair certainly is get outside that 423 00:30:48.000 --> 00:30:52.599 comfort zone, because the comfort zone is a myth. You know how to 424 00:30:52.640 --> 00:30:56.240 spell that? My? Yeah, my. One of the famous things I 425 00:30:56.279 --> 00:31:00.640 always say is that you need to get rid of the words not my type. 426 00:31:00.799 --> 00:31:03.759 If you're over thirty, that's a whole other thing. You're ever thirty 427 00:31:03.799 --> 00:31:07.559 and you're still single, you have no type. Type's not working out for 428 00:31:07.599 --> 00:31:11.079 you. That's it, Okay, it has your This is what when when 429 00:31:11.079 --> 00:31:14.799 people say to me, well, that's not my type, Well, how 430 00:31:14.799 --> 00:31:18.400 has that worked? Oh? All those ex boyfriends, they weren't your type 431 00:31:18.440 --> 00:31:22.680 either. You know. There's this matchmaking company and I won't name names, 432 00:31:22.680 --> 00:31:26.640 but they ask their clients to bring in pictures of their exes so they know 433 00:31:26.680 --> 00:31:30.640 what they liked. I'm like, that is the opposite of what you should 434 00:31:30.680 --> 00:31:33.759 be doing. That is everything that didn't work out. I agree, all 435 00:31:33.839 --> 00:31:37.039 right, same exercise for the for the men. One of my guildagrams for 436 00:31:37.119 --> 00:31:45.160 men, you will never be loved if you can't risk being disliked. Oh 437 00:31:45.200 --> 00:31:48.680 that's pretty good. I never saw you so silent. That's very profound. 438 00:31:48.799 --> 00:31:52.079 I had to absorb that. That's really good. Feels like something I would 439 00:31:52.119 --> 00:31:55.640 say, but I didn't say. That could be something. It feels like 440 00:31:55.680 --> 00:31:57.480 fruit of my tree. That's good though. I like that. Thank you. 441 00:31:57.519 --> 00:32:00.640 People don't want to rip. That's the risk on that side. You 442 00:32:00.640 --> 00:32:07.200 don't want that. A man told me that he feels very comfortable texting because 443 00:32:07.200 --> 00:32:12.640 it's safe. Yeah, safe from what we all. And that's a problem. 444 00:32:12.640 --> 00:32:16.039 That's the biggest problem in twenty twenty four. We hide behind our electronics. 445 00:32:16.400 --> 00:32:20.519 We need some we're so afree to approach each other face to face anymore. 446 00:32:21.400 --> 00:32:22.880 Wait, I don't know you. Why you're talking to me? What 447 00:32:22.920 --> 00:32:24.680 do you want from me? It's such a weird energy. Men back in 448 00:32:24.759 --> 00:32:29.880 the fifties used to have to get up, walk across the floor, introduce 449 00:32:29.920 --> 00:32:31.160 themselves, and then ask her to dance, and then dance with her. 450 00:32:31.599 --> 00:32:35.680 You think it's hard now, that was hard. I was living in New 451 00:32:35.759 --> 00:32:43.160 York standing looking into some beautiful window on Madison Avenue, not even turning around. 452 00:32:43.200 --> 00:32:46.480 I was really enthralled with this window. Guy comes up behind me. 453 00:32:47.240 --> 00:32:52.319 And in New York you wouldn't let that out now, But okay, guy 454 00:32:52.359 --> 00:32:55.160 comes behind me. He says, see anything you like without even turning around. 455 00:32:55.200 --> 00:33:00.880 I said, are you buying? And I turned around. He was 456 00:33:00.000 --> 00:33:05.480 cute and he was a nice lawyer and went around. And I was a 457 00:33:05.519 --> 00:33:08.319 teacher in the South Bronx during those days, and it was great. It 458 00:33:08.400 --> 00:33:14.039 was great fun, and I felt safe enough to respond to him. But 459 00:33:14.200 --> 00:33:19.960 he felt safe enough to take the risk with some unknown woman who's just standing 460 00:33:20.000 --> 00:33:23.039 there. Yeah, did you grow up in New York? Yes, that 461 00:33:23.119 --> 00:33:28.200 isn't a little bit of advantage because New Yorkers are not afraid to show personality. 462 00:33:28.279 --> 00:33:30.799 Sometimes. Well, I don't know what it is today anymore. I 463 00:33:30.799 --> 00:33:34.839 don't know what it is today anymore, but back then, I I have 464 00:33:34.960 --> 00:33:37.400 that I had a wonderful life in New York. All Right, we're gonna 465 00:33:37.440 --> 00:33:39.319 let you plug all your books and stuff in a second. But I know 466 00:33:39.359 --> 00:33:42.680 you don't like to get too personal. But one thing we play with our 467 00:33:42.720 --> 00:33:46.799 guests on this podcast is we play something called worst date or first date. 468 00:33:47.160 --> 00:33:51.440 So you have to think back to either the worst date you've ever had in 469 00:33:51.480 --> 00:33:53.680 your life or the best first date you've ever had in your life, your 470 00:33:53.799 --> 00:34:00.359 choice. That's so hard for me because I make everything into a good date. 471 00:34:00.559 --> 00:34:02.880 Okay, you know, is there a date that you turned around? 472 00:34:04.160 --> 00:34:07.639 Then well if I turn it around, then I'm his therapist, and I 473 00:34:07.639 --> 00:34:10.880 don't want to do that, so I don't. I mean, if something 474 00:34:12.079 --> 00:34:16.440 is objectionable to me, I will hold on to that and see if there's 475 00:34:16.480 --> 00:34:21.599 a pattern too that, and then I will decide what I'm going to do, 476 00:34:21.679 --> 00:34:23.880 so I need to go out with him a few times. That's very 477 00:34:23.920 --> 00:34:28.000 good advice. Somebody might just make a mistake or they be nervous and they 478 00:34:28.119 --> 00:34:30.920 spilled that wine on you. I think if it was something flammable, it 479 00:34:31.079 --> 00:34:36.960 probably of the road. But something like I think that's good advice, Like 480 00:34:37.639 --> 00:34:40.039 give it a chance to work through the ick and get into a rhythm. 481 00:34:40.599 --> 00:34:44.840 You know, well, listen, I too have my barriers. We all 482 00:34:44.880 --> 00:34:50.679 have our barriers. Let's accept that and say put that aside and give this 483 00:34:50.920 --> 00:34:53.639 guy an opportunity. Is it intimidating to date you knowing what you do? 484 00:34:57.039 --> 00:34:59.599 Well, you just hit that nail on the head pretty well, all right, 485 00:35:00.000 --> 00:35:01.679 it's gotta be right every time. Every time I say it to somebody, 486 00:35:01.719 --> 00:35:07.559 well, I'm a relationship expert. Oh or they probably said like, 487 00:35:07.599 --> 00:35:08.519 well, how does it working out for you? They always want to put 488 00:35:08.559 --> 00:35:13.559 that card on Oh please, Well, I've had many really, I've been 489 00:35:13.599 --> 00:35:15.360 marry, divorced, living with people. I mean, you know, it 490 00:35:15.440 --> 00:35:20.320 takes a lot of relationship talent to get out of a bad relationship as to 491 00:35:20.320 --> 00:35:22.840 get and a good one. People underestimate that just because you've been with the 492 00:35:22.840 --> 00:35:28.400 same person for fifty years doesn't mean that that's the right move. You maybe 493 00:35:28.400 --> 00:35:31.119 should have pulled the shoot at at thirty and got into a better relationship. 494 00:35:31.199 --> 00:35:36.599 Doesn't mean that that was the right relationship for me today. It might have 495 00:35:36.639 --> 00:35:39.920 been. It is, you grow together and whatever. But some people are 496 00:35:39.960 --> 00:35:46.480 together out of habit comfort, yeah, and or fear. A lot of 497 00:35:46.519 --> 00:35:51.599 people stay together out of fear. Most people these days, they're terrified. 498 00:35:51.639 --> 00:35:53.719 They think it's a game of musical chairs and they won't get a seat ever 499 00:35:53.920 --> 00:35:58.360 again. Again, this is fine, this is good, that's good. 500 00:35:58.480 --> 00:36:01.159 All right, that's where all we've around. Loving yourself, capital lie all 501 00:36:01.199 --> 00:36:07.519 the way. How many books do you have? Is it like naming nineteen 502 00:36:07.599 --> 00:36:10.719 children? It'll be hard. They're all very different. I give three books 503 00:36:10.760 --> 00:36:15.360 that they should pick up of yours. It depends upon where their head is 504 00:36:15.400 --> 00:36:20.159 at. Don't bet on the princes is I mean that was the first and 505 00:36:20.199 --> 00:36:25.360 then then it became a cult. Especially now. Don't lie on your back 506 00:36:25.440 --> 00:36:30.920 for a guy who doesn't have yours. And I also wrote a couple of 507 00:36:30.920 --> 00:36:37.639 business books, one up Strategies. Business schools don't teach because I teach at 508 00:36:37.639 --> 00:36:42.679 a business school. Well, there you go. There are crossovers in business 509 00:36:42.719 --> 00:36:46.239 and level everybody we have life lessons Like I always tell people you want to 510 00:36:46.239 --> 00:36:50.079 get good at business, or you want to get good at dating, Take 511 00:36:50.159 --> 00:36:53.000 and improv class. Oh I agree, because life is improv Yes, and 512 00:36:53.079 --> 00:36:59.280 in a moment being able to be something else or reveal something else, or 513 00:36:59.320 --> 00:37:00.840 try something else. This is such a valuable skill. Oh, you're so 514 00:37:01.039 --> 00:37:05.480 right. I know this was fun. This wasn't too painful? Was it 515 00:37:05.599 --> 00:37:08.599 painful? No? You're a pleasure. Okay, see hear that. Great 516 00:37:08.639 --> 00:37:14.000 Love listeners. They can follow you where doctor Gilda dot com. Yep, 517 00:37:14.119 --> 00:37:19.079 doctor Gilda dot com. See that wasn't so hard as far as us like 518 00:37:19.119 --> 00:37:22.559 share, follow Please review this podcast. After ten years of doing this, 519 00:37:22.000 --> 00:37:25.719 your reviews still mean a lot in the podcasting ecosystem. Shoot us an email 520 00:37:27.199 --> 00:37:29.800 Great Love Debate at gmail dot com. If you've got questions, thoughts, 521 00:37:29.840 --> 00:37:31.880 comments for me, Doctor Gilda will pass them along. We're gonna have her 522 00:37:31.880 --> 00:37:35.559 back. Obviously, she's got a lot more. There's a lot more to 523 00:37:35.599 --> 00:37:38.239 bite off this apple. She's got a lot more things to say. Go 524 00:37:38.320 --> 00:37:42.960 to Great Lovedebate dot com are live tour schedule. I can't promise how many 525 00:37:42.960 --> 00:37:45.679 shows I'm doing. But I definitely have some of the books because people are 526 00:37:45.679 --> 00:37:46.840 calling and they're saying, oh, you're doing more shows. You got to 527 00:37:46.880 --> 00:37:52.320 come to New York and do a show. And I just might because, 528 00:37:52.360 --> 00:37:55.960 as always at the Great Love Debate, we never stopped making love. See 529 00:37:55.960 --> 00:38:06.639 you next time, the Great Love Debate. It's the Great Love Debate, 530 00:38:07.679 --> 00:38:10.480 the Great Love Debate, It's the Great love to be