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W four WN Radio. Hello and welcome to Fearless Fabulous. You. I
am your host, Melanie Young, and thank you for joining me today.
My message to women of all ages, especially those fifty five and older like
moi, is that you have the right to choose life on your terms,
live it healthy and with pleasure, at any age, at any stage.
And that's my message. You can follow me on Melanie Fabulous, and of
course here are all my shows on your favorite podcast channel. I think we're
on over forty right now, you're listening live on the Women for Women Network.
Today we're going to talk about a topic that I think is important for
a variety of reasons. It's about a number of things that all kind of
boil into one. It's that we don't we as women, we don't need
to seek approval for anything. We don't need approval to live our lives on
our terms. We need to just give ourselves permission to do it. We
don't need to ask permission from anyone, our spouse, our parents, our
kids, period. It's about living life on your terms. And one of
the things that I noticed recently as we've been driving from our former home in
Tennessee to our new home in New Orleans. I like to eat. I
enjoy eating. I come from a family that has always enjoyed food. We're
Southern and Jewish, which means Southern food and Jewish food. There's a great
book called matsubl Gumbo. As a matter of fact, it celebrates the beauty
of Southern Jewish food, and I work in the industry. I enjoy a
good meal. I enjoy it, albeit I am a picky eater. I
prefood, food that is fresh, well prepared, and when possibly a locally
sourced. I also enjoy sitting down to enjoy a meal and not standing up
grabbing a bike or walking or eating in a car or doing anything that frankly
gives me indigestion. I like the beauty and the ritual of eating around a
table, having conversation, eating good food. I also like to eat in
peace, which is where I'm going with this. I like to eating peace
without people looking over at my plate and commenting on either when I'm eating or
how much I'm eating, or did you order that? Or why did you
order that? Or I wouldn't order that. I really don't like people commenting
on what I eat or how I eat. And I confess I have done
that, and I confess that I need to do better at not commenting as
well. And there's a lot of reasons for that. And the reason I
brought this up is I've observed it a few times, and I think women
tend to receive more comments about what they eat and how much they eat than
men. I truly believe this. So here are three examples. A friend
said looked at me and said, wow, you cleaned your plate, Like,
what a surprise? I ate all my food? Well, I was
hungry, right, But then there's people who will say to you, what's
wrong, don't you like your food you're not eating or such a picky eater?
You eat like a bird again, offering judgment that used to happen to
me a lot growing up. Or someone will say, wow, she hoovered
that meal down. She really did eat a lot, did you notice how
much she ate? Or recently, at a restaurant, I ordered food.
I wasn't very hungry. I ordered the entree. Entrees tend to be bigger
than I usually like to eat. I'm more of an appetizer person, So
I ate half the food, right. I ate half the food and asked
for a takeout container, and the said, oh, I didn't think you'd
finish everything. It looked like it would be too much for you. Like
worry judging me on like the size of my portions. It's like judging me
on the size of my breast or the size of my butt. So maybe
I'm being sensitive, but maybe I'm not. But I've noticed my fellow women's
eyes roll. The women eye roll when the men therewith make the comments.
For example, recently, at a restaurant, the man looked over at his
female spouse and said, well, you really cleaned your plate. And I
wanted to say, you're gonna pat her on her head like a good girl,
And she said irresponsible. I was hungry, like she didn't need to
explain herself. But the comment was so rude, I thought, maybe I'm
being sensitive, But the eye roll was there. We had the mutual eye
roll, and that happened with another friend where the spouse commented on how much
she was eating and then how to eat the food and maybe she should try
it a different way, and there was the eye roll. Mind you,
my friend is a food writer and a beautiful cook, so she knew exactly
what she was doing. But the point is we don't need to be food
police. Well, actually food shaming. I'll get the food police at the
table. Food shaming is when you're commenting on how much someone eats, how
little someone eats, what they're eating, Why did you order that, Why
are you doing that? Why are you so picky? You're eating too much?
You cleaned your plate, man, you hoovered that down. It's like
food shaming. Now again, I may be sensitive, but I am sensitive
when I see the look on women's faces when the comets come. And frankly,
men or other women should never assume or insinuate that women should watch how
much they eat or what they eat. Period. Body shaming is already a
problem among women and girls. Why exacerbate the problem by food shaming? And
That's where I'm going with this. A lot of people when they were young
were food shamed, which resulted in body shaming. Okay, the two go
hand in hand, and unfortunately the seeds of both can be planting very young
girls and boys. It is an equal opportunity, all sex, all gender,
all background situation. And it happened to me personally, which is why
I'm probably more sensitive to it than many. When I was young, there
was a distinct hierarchy in the food chain at the dinner table. The men
got the larger portions, and they got the prime portions. The men got
to have dessert, they got to have the cake a la mode, the
pie a la mode. The women were served smaller portions, lesser portions,
less quality portions, and we were served jello and fruit cocktail like. We
were not given permission or allowed or even offered the ca ala mode or the
pie alo mode. And if we were, we had to decline because it
was considered to look piggy and overly voracious. If we ate too much,
we were told I was told to leave food on the plate don't clean your
plate. I was told to eat smaller portions. I was ingrained, as
I said, to eat jello and fruit cocktail and avoid sticky, ouhy,
gouey desserts. We spent time exercising. My mother would take me to her
fitness salon. There was a fitness salon back then where we would have to
exercise to maintain our girlish figures. It's like we were not allowed or permitted
to indulge in food in any way. We always had to eat half portions.
And that is where eating disorders begin. And that is why food shaming
people as adults is not healthy, because you don't know where that person's background,
where their head is in terms of their relationship with food. And saying
something that's an inadvertive comment, even if you think it's pleasant, like oh,
I say you want your food and clean your plate, it could trigger
something that is less than healthy in that person's brain. I know for me,
when somebody comments about I see you ate your plate or are you're gonna
eat all that, I immediately push all the food away and say I don't
want it anymore because it brings me back to when I was a little girl
and I was told that cleaning your plate was not healthy for you or not
good for you. It was not ladylike, it's something that you should think
about. But more importantly, it's considered rude to food chain people at a
table. I was having a conversation before the show with a girlfriend who said,
yeah, that happened to me once. I was at a restaurant with
some people and the other woman at the table looked at me. I ordered
a side of pasta and the woman said, you ordered pasta, And my
girlfriend said, yeah, I ordered pasta. What's wrong with that? I
like pasta? And she's like, well, no one would I would you
order pasta like Pasta's like you know, a germ or something that you put
on the plate. Pasta is wonderful, you know, it's part of the
Mediterranean's ayet. I have many friends that cook beautiful pasta. It should not
be part of the food shaming process. And unfortunately many of us, including
me, have food shamed and didn't know we were even doing it. We
just make a comment that comes out kind of stupid, and you know,
maybe it's taking Maybe the person's made to feel uncomfortable at the table, and
you never want people to feel uncomfortable at the dinner table. The dinner tables
should all come together and feel comfortable, enjoy eating and then sharing food and
sharing conversation, not feeling shamed about what we're eating or not eating. So
that is something that we should think about when we're with people. Is not
making comments about how much they're eating, how little they're eating, what they're
eating, what they're not eating, Why aren't they eating? I think you
get the drift. No food shaming, no body shaming, no commentary.
So if somebody the other one is food policing. Now, the difference between
food shaming food policing isn't is this food policing is more like, well you
should be eating organic, or why are you eating junk? Or you know,
maybe we should be eating you know, wild cought salmon and not American
cotton. And that's a good example because I made a comment once on Facebook
about how I was recreating a very old recipe I found in a binder that
was part of my grandmother's recipe book, and it was a very special recipe
book because it was my grandmother's and I decided to prepare some of the recipes
in it. So one of them was a salmon loaf. So I talked
about online finding some salmon and deciding that I would just do the farm salmon
that was available at my local publics versus the canned salmon because I personally don't
like can salmon. So I did the farm and someone online said, would
I would rather dog that eat farm salmon. I would rather eat nothing.
If I had to eat farm salmon, you could only eat wild salmon.
Well, that's a combination of food shaming and food policing. Like she was
letting me, you know, she was commenting about my food choices, like
it was really none of her business. And I said back to her,
well, frankly, where I live, that was the best salmon we could
get. Because not everybody lives in, you know, cities where you have
access to every kind of fish. This woman does. She lives in coastal
city where there's lots of fish. You know, some people don't have access
to the quality and diversity of foods others have, and they have to make
do with the best they have, whether it's you know, enjoying canned peas
versus fresh peas, farm salmon versus canned salmon versus wild salmon, frozen fish
versus fresh fish, not necessarily the best parts of a meat, but whatever
they can afford. The point is nobody should be shamed or police based on
the choices they make. They can do that themselves. So again, I
do admit me a copa in this area because I have rudely and unfairly common
on foods my husband enjoys eating, and that's really wrong of me. I
don't like the smell of meat. I don't like the smell of charcreaiery and
stinky sausages, and he loves to eat them. And I have to learn
to zip my lip and shew my words carefully before it's spinning them out because
I want to say the stuff stinks, get it away from me. But
really, it's his choice and it's his body, and it's not my place
to tell him how to eat or what to eat unless he asks my opinion,
and he doesn't. He has a pinchit for peanuts, you know,
those dried peanuts that smell bad, pretzels and pringles. I don't want him
to eat those because I wanted to be healthy. But it's his business and
not mine. He's an adult. He can make his adult choices, and
I'm an adult and I can make my adult choices much of the same way.
If I only want to eat salad let us for dinner, don't tell
me I must have a protein. I don't have to have a protein meat
when I eat. I can just have vegetables and I'll be perfectly happy.
Again. The point is, keep your comments to yourself about how and what
a person eats. Let people eat and peace, and don't give them a
piece of your mind. Give them a piece of great food and share it
and enjoy together, because really you may end up eating your words. So
how do you handle comments when people make crazy rude comments at the dinner table?
And it's amazing how many crazy rude comments can be made at the dinner
table. And it's not just about what you're eating. It could be something
about what's going on in the world today. And politics is a big off
topic, you know. Try to keep politics off the dinner table, Try
to keep religion off the dinner table. Try to keep personal manners out of
the dinner table. Keep it light. So if somebody comments to you on
how much you're eating or wow you cleaned your plate, just say, yeah,
I have really great appetite, and this is delicious food. I'm so
lucky that I can enjoy whatever I want. Some people don't have that privilege.
Another way is practice gratitudes. I'm really grateful to have such a delicious
meal in front of me. A lot of people don't have this opportunity.
Would you like to share a bite of it? Offer the sharing process.
This dish is so good and plentable. Say to the waiter who comments,
I'd like to take some home to enjoy it tomorrow. You don't really need
that explanation. You could just say kind and have a doggy bag. But
that's a nice way to say. I love the food. It was just
a little bit more for tonight. I'd like to take it home and enjoy
it tomorrow. Or just ignore the comments and change the topic. You don't
need to explain yourself and your eating habits and preferences. You don't need to
be apologetic about what you choose. You also should not complain about what food
is served to you. I've been on trips where press trips where we've been
served in an abundance of food. It's like, you know, we're part
of the lucky journalists club. We go on trips, we're served a lot
of food. Lucky, yes, so I complain that it's too much food.
You should never complain that you're being served too much food. You should
never complain because a lot of people don't have any food to eat at all.
If you feel you're being served too much food, then just eat less
of it and shut the frickin frick up. Just enjoy the food, don't
complain, say thank you. If someone is having a dinner party and they
ask you if you have food preferences, do be honest and say I don't
eat meat. I eat vegetables, or say I tend to eat more fish
and vegetables than meat. Would you like me to bring something along that line
to add to the dinner party. I tend to bring my own. I
always tend to offer a dish that I know everyone will enjoy and that I
can also eat, because I never want people to alter their menu, alter
their entire menu, just because I'm like the odd man out who doesn't eat
meat. Recently, a friend cooked a beautiful dinner of smoked slow smoked meat.
Beautiful try tip I think was the meat. It was beautiful. I
even gave it a taste I didn't like it, but I did give it
a try. I brought my own tuna. I bought it at the store
and brought it and cooked it and didn't say anything and just enjoyed it.
That's the easiest way to do it. If you're going to a dinner party
and you know the food's going to be at steak, either don't go,
or go and be prepared to eat other food, or quietly ask if there's
vegetarian options, but don't make a big to do about it, and don't
expect the entire menu to change just because you have very specific preferences. It
just goes the same with people that are starch averse. There's a lot of
people that for some reason think gluten is the Gluten is the enemy, and
you've got the gluten guard, and they make a big deal. I'm not
eating gluten, I'm not eating gluten, I'm not eating sugar, I'm not
eating dairy. And suddenly the whole tone of the meal changes and the whole
dynamics change, and everybody's somewhat on unease because you're so worried about what somebody
can or can I eat. There is an exception to that, if you
have a severe food allergy, if you have a peanut allergy, or you're
severely allergic to shellfish, make that point clear from the beginning, because that
is a health risk to you and it is a risk to the person making
the food. So obviously there are exceptions to every situation, and the big
one is if you have a severe food allergy, you should always speak up,
and frankly, you should always carry like a little business card or a
notepath listing your food analergies and be prepared to present it when you go out
or if somebody is hosting a meal, because nobody wants to serve you something
that could potentially kill you. I've read recent articles about this or stories about
people that have dined from eating something that was made in the area where peanuts
were used. That is really important, and it's also important if you're preparing
a meal or hosting a meal to ask your guess if anyone has food allergies
which are different from intolerances. So a food allergy where you could be anaphylactic
potentially kill you. That's very severe, and you would to make sure that
you ask about that. Then there are people who are simply intolerant. I
love dairy, love, love, love it, but I do get gastro
intestinal issues if I eat too much dairy. So I'm not intolerant. I
have sensitivity. So hear me out. Food allergies severe potentially anaphylactic, could
cause lethal reactions. Ask food intolerances. That means someone is does not digest
the food. Well, maybe they break out in nives, maybe they get
gastro intestinal issues they can't tolerate that, Maybe they throw up. I know
people that actually throw up by eating certain foods. That's a problem you need
to ask. In sensitivities. Food sensitivities are food you can eat, but
you don't always have the best result afterward, usually because you eat too much
of it. I mean, I'll be honest with that. You have a
little bit of diry, I'm okay, I've eaten a lot of diiry.
Not so good, not so good. But you should always ask and be
discreet about it. You don't need to make a big announcement at the table
that so and so has this. You as the person who has a condition,
don't need a big announcement. Just keep it on the table, but
under the table. If you know what I mean keep it on the table
with your hosts in the restaurant, but under the table when you're having dinner.
So food shaming, body shaming, these are all things that we need
to stop doing because it's not healthy to anyone. And Wani is this important?
Well, I, you know, looked up some statistics on eating disorders
from the National Association of Anarexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders. A lot of these
issues start because someone is made to feel uncomfortable about food, and their relationship
with food changes and in not a healthy way. So eating disorders effect as
I said, people about ages, races, sizes, ginger identity, sexual
orientation, and background. They While many people think that more women have eating
disorders, in fact, hear the stats from a NAD the Association of Anarexia
Nervosa and Associated Disorders, an estimated nine percent of the US population, or
twenty eight point eight million Americans, will have an eating disorder in their lifetime.
I have had an eating disorder. My mother had an eating disorder.
Is that I mean it's genetic? I don't think so. I think it's
you know, I learned from my mother and grandmother. As I say,
said when I was little I was taught I could only eat certain foods.
I was taught never to eat chocolate. It was going to make me get
at me. I mean, this day, they've ingrained me not to eat
too many sweets. Irony is my mother, who hated being fat when she
was a little girl and did not want to be around people who were fat.
When she was an adult, battled her weight all her life, and
as an elderly woman in her eighties, when I tried to feed it,
refused to eat all starch. She was one of the starch squads. She
was afraid that starch was going to make her fat, so she wrote she
would not eat potatoes, she would not eat rice, she would not eat
pasta. She not anat bread unless it was hollow bread. She was very
particular. But she ate a lot of sugar. So I never could understand
that, because you could eat a lot of starch and it could convert to
sugar, or you could just eat sugar and you got sugar. So I
don't understand where her eating disorder came from. But she at the end of
her life she only wanted to eat sugar. At that point, I didn't
care anymore because I just wanted her to eat because she had an eating disorder.
Back to the reality. That is interesting. Fifteen percent one five of
women will suffer from an eating disorder by their forties or fifties, but only
twenty seven percent receive any treatment for it. Interesting fifteen percent. That's a
fairly large percentage, with anorexia being having the highest mortality case. Anorexia blim
you are the two most common forms of eating. One is you know,
you don't eat, one is you eat a lot and then you purge.
This is a situation that, as I noted, can develop in your youth
as it did with me. My relationship with food started very early on and
mimicked what my mother and grandmother did or did not eat. At age six
to ten, girls start to worry about their weight, and by age fourteen,
sixty to seventy percent of all young girls are trying to lose weight.
Now, that is a large percentage. Again from the same organization I quoted
before, found that seventy percent of children and adolescents as young as twelve dislike
their bodies, and forty five percent say they are regularly bullied about how they
look, which includes their weight. That is the number one reason kids are
tease because they weigh a lot. Now what's sad about that is that girls
who were teased about their weight were two times more likely to be overweight,
quote unquote, one point five times more likely to binge, eat, and
one point five times more likely to use extreme methods of weight control five years
later. Weight control extreme usually means you take laxatives, you fast, you
binge, and purge a lot of unhealthy things, and unfortunately this leads to
an ongoing uh eating disorder, an unhealthy relationship with food, usually for the
rest of your life. It takes a long time to undo the since sometimes
you never do. A study sound that eight percent of fifteen year old girl's
diet at a severe level, and their risk of developing a permanent eating disorder
is eighteen times greater. About twelve percent of adolescent girls has some form of
an eating disorder, and very few seek treatment. And it's not just young
girls. As I noticed, my mother was an elderly woman with eating disorders.
A lot of women who hit menopause develop eating disorders or eating disorders that
they once had as a young girl come back into their lives because they're gaining
weight and they don't want to have that menopause weight, and the next thing
you know, they're doing extreme dieting. Extreme dieting could be anything from withdrawal
to refusal to eat, to reducing what you eat to unhealthy portions, to
unhealthy fasting versus what people say are healthy fasting. I'm not a big faster,
so I'm not big on fasting, to binging and purging to only eat
in certain types of foods, which makes you have an unbalanced diet versus a
balanced diet. It's particularly bad when you get older, because the elderly become
weak. And I saw this happen first hand with my mother, who developed
an eating disorder or I think she had an eating disorder all her life,
but it recurred and reserved. It's not recurred, but resurged as she got
older and became fearful of being fat. Now her definition of fat had also
changed after my father died and she who had gained weight while she was caring
for him, she had gained weight, and that tends to happen. I
was caring for my mother and probably put on fifteen pounds because you have a
lot of stress, you stress eat, you eat with their night eating,
you do tend to gain weight many people some lose weight, but there is
usually some unhealthy eating pattern. When you're caregiving people, it is a very
challenging time and if you are caregiving a loved one, I do encourage you
to talk to people that can help you through it. I don't caregive alone.
But like adolescents, which is an awkward stage, growing older and going
into menopausis like the opposite end of adolescence. Your body is changing, your
hormones are changing, life is changing, and you're trying to get a hold
of yourself, and that's when other eating disorders can appear. Unfortunately, right
now, there are a lot of drug commercials, as we all know on
television promoting weight loss and osam beck and other types of drugs, and even
Oprah Winfrey went on national television to talk about her constant yo yo body,
her relationship with food and dieting, which is dog ter Dog is probably not
the right word. Dog is a negative term there, but has been a
part of her life for all of her life. She's been very open about
her relationship with her weight and her body and food. Applaud her for doing
it. I don't necessarily know promoting ozepic was the way I would go,
but that's what she did. But you don't need to resort to diet.
I mean, you don't need to resort to diet drugs to lose weight.
You need to start with first having a healthy relationship with food. So I'm
going to underscore that the reason I started this entire show was that I had
experienced and or witnessed situations at the dinner table where people were put made to
feel uncomfortable about the size, type, and quantity of foods they were eating.
So that is what this show started with comments about how much you eat,
how littlely eat, you ate so much, you didn't need so much,
And those are the types of things that plant the seeds to unhealthy relationships
with food and experiencing the joy of eating. Eating should be a joy.
It's for many, it should be a natural, it's nourishment. For some
it's a privilege because they are doing without. But it should never be disparaged.
People should not be shamed about their eating. They should not made to
feel uncomfortable. There are unhealthy eating patterns, we all know what they are,
and obesity, as much as eating disorders obesity is a result of an
eating disorder. The results in somebody becoming overweight in an unhealthy way, and
many people do need help managing their obesity. But it all starts with a
healthy relationship or unhealthy relationship with eating and food. So if we can plant
the seeds early on with young people, if we can teach ourselves to enjoy
food, give ourselves permission to eat food with joy and not feel criticized for
what we eat or don't eat, and not criticize others. If we can
learn to all enjoy it and mindful not mindful moderation and not on the go.
If we can all have access to better foods at more affordable prices,
that would help. Recently drove across the Florida Panhandle and throughout the Mid South
with my husband, and access to healthy food was few of barbenteene. The
dishes tend to be at the convenience stores, tend to be fat fried,
sweet sugar. Be nice to see more fruits and vegetables and other healthy alternatives
available, but you know, people buy what is affordable to them, and
that's another issue which really doesn't fit into the show. But access to good
food should be a privilege to all and not to few. But what can
we all do better in the process to help people have healthy relationships with food
and have healthy relationships with each other. Well, I'm going to wrap this
up with the following. One. Food should be enjoyed with people or alone.
It should be savored. It shouldn't be grab and go, oh quickie,
get it over with. It should be your nourishment. It nourishes your
body, it nourishes your soul. You should enjoy it. And remember that
many people don't have the privilege of food. They're starving. So if you
have access to food, consider yourself lucky. Two. Food should be affordable
and plentiful. And I'm hoping that all the things that are wrong in the
world will get better for the people who don't have access to good food.
And I'd like to see more affordable food at restaurants and the grocery stores.
Food costs are going up and up and up, and that means people are
looking for less expensive choices, and it's tough right now for some people on
a budget. Food should be appreciated and when possible, prepared at home to
create the joy of creating food together. It's a communal activity. When people
are at a dinner table, it should be about enjoying the food together and
not criticizing someone for eating too little or not enough, or eating one thing
or another. Food policing and shaming should not have a seat at the dinner
table. People should be made to beat comfortable at every age of stage about
what they eat. And also except that while one person's preference for something may
not be yours, it's their choice and not yours. So chew your words
carefully when you're at the table. Think about not saying something that may make
someone uncomfortable. And I'm selling that to myself as well. Let people enjoy
their food. Don't judge them for how much they eat, how little they
eat, how much they spend, how little they spend. Just let people
enjoy the pleasure of eating because at the end of the day, you are
what you eat. And we all want to be healthy, we want to
be happy, and we want to give joy and share food with each other,
and that's all we need to do to have piece at the table and
peace of mind. So don't give people a piece of your mind about what
they should and should eat. Just enjoy piece of the table and enjoy another
piece of that pie, and yes, have it all a mode if you
want. Don't let people tell you you can't. You give your self permission
to have whatever you want, enjoy it the way you want, and savor
every moment. I'm Melanie Young. This is fearless, fabulous you, as
I like to say, take the trip, enjoy the sip and eat the
cake, Enjoy every minute of it, and save your life to the fullest.
Thank you, Ka