WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:04.000 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I AM six forty, 2 00:00:04.080 --> 00:00:08.359 the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to 3 00:00:08.400 --> 00:00:12.359 the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on 4 00:00:12.439 --> 00:00:18.160 the iHeartRadio app. Just a reminder, I have a PhD in clinical psychology 5 00:00:18.239 --> 00:00:22.640 and I'm a psychology professor, not a therapist, but I have written three 6 00:00:22.679 --> 00:00:28.519 books on relationships. I am really obsessed with studying the science of love and 7 00:00:28.679 --> 00:00:32.320 sharing the information as a journalist to you. I know that many of you 8 00:00:32.359 --> 00:00:36.640 send me lots of messages on social media with your relationship questions and I'm happy 9 00:00:36.759 --> 00:00:42.600 to answer them with my wisdom and also, as you know, regularly refer 10 00:00:42.679 --> 00:00:46.280 you to a good therapist because some of you it's time and maybe this is 11 00:00:46.320 --> 00:00:49.119 the way by reaching out to me. So if you'd like to send a 12 00:00:49.119 --> 00:00:52.920 message in a DM on social media, I'm on TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, 13 00:00:52.960 --> 00:00:58.640 Twitter, that other one, Instagram, and producer Kyla will go to 14 00:00:58.640 --> 00:01:03.000 the dms and find some for us. The handle everywhere is at doctor Wendy 15 00:01:03.039 --> 00:01:07.840 Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh Okay, without further ado, let us begin my 16 00:01:07.040 --> 00:01:14.040 drive by makeshift relationship advice. Okay, this from Instagram. Dear doctor Wendy, 17 00:01:14.200 --> 00:01:18.480 Me and my girlfriend of seven months took our first vacation together. I'm 18 00:01:18.480 --> 00:01:23.120 more of a chill vacation person and she's very adventurous. We have completely different 19 00:01:23.239 --> 00:01:29.680 vacation styles. What's a good compromise, Well, this is a great exercise 20 00:01:29.719 --> 00:01:33.719 for you guys to work out in your relationship. You know, we fall 21 00:01:33.719 --> 00:01:38.079 in love with people because they're different from us. They're like our matching peace 22 00:01:38.239 --> 00:01:42.359 in some way. That's just makes us feel complete and we love all the 23 00:01:42.400 --> 00:01:47.400 things about them that are different. For instance, Introverts like extroverts. Extroverts 24 00:01:47.439 --> 00:01:52.319 like introverts. You're a chill person, she's adventurous, right. But then 25 00:01:52.359 --> 00:01:56.519 what happens is we get into the day today of the relationship and we try 26 00:01:56.519 --> 00:01:59.840 to make the person our clone. We think there's something wrong with them if 27 00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:04.920 they're not like us. You know, every day in your relationship there will 28 00:02:04.959 --> 00:02:08.759 be opportunities to compromise, and this is one of those. So the answer 29 00:02:08.919 --> 00:02:14.520 is, you guys should work this out together. My personal opinion would be 30 00:02:14.840 --> 00:02:19.280 that you find a kind of vacation that involves both kinds of activities. If 31 00:02:19.280 --> 00:02:22.560 you want to have a my tie on a beach, then she will have 32 00:02:22.639 --> 00:02:25.280 a day like that with you, and you will go hiking in the mountains 33 00:02:25.280 --> 00:02:29.439 to a waterfall with her the next day, and you will just figure out 34 00:02:29.439 --> 00:02:32.120 a way so that both your needs are met. I also know people that 35 00:02:32.560 --> 00:02:36.800 you know. Some people are traveling and one likes to be on their computer, 36 00:02:36.879 --> 00:02:39.080 either because they're working still on the trip or whatever, and they'll go 37 00:02:39.080 --> 00:02:44.080 out and do things separately and then come back for dinner. That's all okay 38 00:02:44.080 --> 00:02:46.719 too. You don't have to be with each other twenty four hours a day 39 00:02:46.719 --> 00:02:51.159 when you're on vacation. It's nice if you're in love and want to do 40 00:02:51.199 --> 00:02:54.719 that, but you don't have to, Alrighty, moving on this one over 41 00:02:54.800 --> 00:03:01.199 on TikTok, Dear doctor Wendy, When my relationship become predictable, I lose 42 00:03:01.319 --> 00:03:07.879 interest and leave. It has happened in my past five relationships. What attachment 43 00:03:07.960 --> 00:03:12.879 style is this? Can I ever find lasting love? Oh? Oh, 44 00:03:12.960 --> 00:03:15.280 I see you want me to pull out my crystal mall here and tell you 45 00:03:15.479 --> 00:03:23.240 your future or you want me to try to diagnose you look you're seeing the 46 00:03:23.280 --> 00:03:27.840 pattern right, You're seeing that you're the one that leaves. Now, the 47 00:03:27.919 --> 00:03:34.439 question is are the relationships becoming predictable or are you just not accustomed to the 48 00:03:34.520 --> 00:03:38.719 change that happens after the exciting part of the beginning of relationship where you get 49 00:03:38.759 --> 00:03:45.639 assaulted with a cocktail of neuro hormones, dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, neurope 50 00:03:45.639 --> 00:03:49.400 and nephron it's the best drug we have, honestly, and then after a 51 00:03:49.439 --> 00:03:53.680 while your brain gets accustomed to that, and then things sort of settle down 52 00:03:53.039 --> 00:03:57.960 and become a lot more normal. If you call that predictable and you get 53 00:03:58.039 --> 00:04:01.719 bored, then you know, maybe we need to talk about what kind of 54 00:04:01.759 --> 00:04:05.680 stimulation you need in your life, or whether you need to learn how to 55 00:04:06.000 --> 00:04:11.199 put novelty in your relationship so it doesn't feel stagnant and it doesn't feel boring. 56 00:04:11.919 --> 00:04:14.319 I do think, though, the fact that you've told me about a 57 00:04:14.360 --> 00:04:19.120 pattern past five relationships you bailed on when they got a little bit predictable tells 58 00:04:19.160 --> 00:04:24.639 me that before you enter number six, you go and enter a relationship with 59 00:04:24.680 --> 00:04:28.360 a therapist, so you guys, can figure out what is it about you 60 00:04:28.800 --> 00:04:31.360 that makes you do this? Because you're right, you did the most important 61 00:04:31.360 --> 00:04:36.120 step, which is becoming aware of your own pattern. So thanks for writing 62 00:04:36.160 --> 00:04:42.319 in. Okay, Heading over to YouTube, Dear doctor Wendy. I don't 63 00:04:42.360 --> 00:04:46.439 like to tell partners I have children until I feel comfortable with them. My 64 00:04:46.560 --> 00:04:48.600 last partner said, I broke his trust. How can I start to tell 65 00:04:48.639 --> 00:04:53.720 people I have children and be comfortable. It's natural to want to protect my 66 00:04:53.839 --> 00:04:57.560 kids. Okay, let me this is You've opened up a big can of 67 00:04:57.600 --> 00:05:00.000 wording for me because I was a single mom for a lot of years. 68 00:05:00.839 --> 00:05:03.360 And you're right. It is good to protect your kids. It is good 69 00:05:03.399 --> 00:05:08.040 to not drag your kids through your romantic life. But I feel like you're 70 00:05:08.480 --> 00:05:14.680 concealing and lying to partners about the makeup of you and your family by not 71 00:05:14.920 --> 00:05:17.439 saying that you have kids. That should go in your profile from the beginning. 72 00:05:17.720 --> 00:05:20.040 You know. I remember when my kids were little and I went to 73 00:05:20.040 --> 00:05:24.000 see this therapist and I said, well, when do you tell them you've 74 00:05:24.079 --> 00:05:26.920 kids? And she goes, from the beginning, tell them you're a three 75 00:05:26.920 --> 00:05:28.839 pack, and you come as a three pack, and that's the deal, 76 00:05:29.319 --> 00:05:34.000 right, Like, relationships aren't supposed to be the separate little romantic compartment away 77 00:05:34.040 --> 00:05:40.079 from your family. They're a bridge between tribes. Now. I ended up 78 00:05:40.120 --> 00:05:44.160 not having a long term relationship until my kids were nearly grown because I had 79 00:05:44.199 --> 00:05:48.439 read some of the statistics. One of the most disturbing ones I read showed 80 00:05:48.439 --> 00:05:57.800 that a child living in a house with a non biologically related male mommy's boyfriend, 81 00:05:58.040 --> 00:06:03.240 husband, stepbrother has eight times the rate of abuse either emotional, physical, 82 00:06:03.439 --> 00:06:06.079 or god forbid, sexual abuse. I saw that, and I was 83 00:06:06.160 --> 00:06:09.879 raising little girls, and I was like, Okay, I'm just not gonna 84 00:06:10.000 --> 00:06:13.560 do that, right But as far as like, I almost feel like the 85 00:06:13.600 --> 00:06:19.480 way you say you're concealing your children feels like you feel like your children are 86 00:06:20.720 --> 00:06:25.800 something to be embarrassed about, something to be ashamed of, and they're not. 87 00:06:26.519 --> 00:06:30.279 It's who you are, and reproduction is the whole reason why we're on 88 00:06:30.319 --> 00:06:33.319 the planet. I say, go forth, proudly, go forth and tell 89 00:06:33.399 --> 00:06:39.439 people that you're you know, you're a very fabulous mother. Tell them the 90 00:06:39.480 --> 00:06:44.639 exciting things you do with your kids. If they move away because they don't 91 00:06:44.680 --> 00:06:47.120 want to take on the burden of your kids, you should turn around and 92 00:06:47.120 --> 00:06:51.480 do the touchdown cheer because you got rid of them early. But stringing them 93 00:06:51.519 --> 00:06:57.000 along and I can see how you said that last partner said you broke his 94 00:06:57.079 --> 00:07:00.240 trust. You did you know? There's research out of the Kinsey Institute that 95 00:07:00.319 --> 00:07:04.560 says lying on dating profiles, whether it's about your age, your weight, 96 00:07:04.920 --> 00:07:10.199 your height, or your family composition, is a big turn off and people 97 00:07:10.199 --> 00:07:12.519 will run because they think of they're lying about this, what else are they 98 00:07:12.600 --> 00:07:16.959 lying about? Building trust means honesty and authenticity from the beginning. If you'd 99 00:07:16.959 --> 00:07:19.279 like to send me a direct message on social media, please do. The 100 00:07:19.319 --> 00:07:23.519 handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh. When we come back, I'll continue to 101 00:07:23.560 --> 00:07:27.120 answer your questions. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I'm KFI 102 00:07:27.399 --> 00:07:31.160 AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to 103 00:07:31.480 --> 00:07:38.639 Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I am six forty. Welcome back to 104 00:07:38.680 --> 00:07:42.480 the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I'm KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere 105 00:07:42.560 --> 00:07:46.800 on the iHeartRadio app. Right now, I am answering your social media questions. 106 00:07:46.800 --> 00:07:49.680 If you have relationship questions, you're welcome to put them in a DM 107 00:07:49.680 --> 00:07:55.240 to me on my social The handle everywhere is at doctor Wendy Walsh reminder, 108 00:07:55.639 --> 00:07:59.959 I do have a PhD in clinical psychology, but I am a psychology perfect 109 00:08:00.079 --> 00:08:03.240 certain not a therapist, although I've written three books on relationships and a dissertation 110 00:08:03.240 --> 00:08:07.800 on attachment theory. I like to think of myself as a journalist who provides 111 00:08:07.839 --> 00:08:11.759 the science to you. But I'm also a woman, and I've had a 112 00:08:11.879 --> 00:08:16.759 life of experience and wisdom that I'm happy to share with you. So if 113 00:08:16.759 --> 00:08:18.920 you want to send me a message and get some of my drive by makeshift 114 00:08:18.959 --> 00:08:24.600 relationship advice, I'm happy to. Okay, here we go, Hey, 115 00:08:24.720 --> 00:08:30.600 doctor Wendy, I've been holding the financial weight in my marriage for two years. 116 00:08:31.120 --> 00:08:33.960 Whenever I suggest that my husbands start looking for work again, he gets 117 00:08:33.960 --> 00:08:37.519 so upset and we get into a huge fight. I want him to start 118 00:08:37.559 --> 00:08:43.799 working again. Am I being financially abused? What can I do? Well? 119 00:08:43.200 --> 00:08:48.799 Here's a clarification on what financial abuse is. Financial abuse is a kind 120 00:08:48.840 --> 00:08:52.879 of a version of domestic violence, where the person who has the money, 121 00:08:54.120 --> 00:08:58.759 who has the income, controls the other person with it, so they don't 122 00:08:58.799 --> 00:09:01.720 give them an allowance, they don't give them access to the bank accounts or 123 00:09:01.759 --> 00:09:05.240 the credit cards, and they make them behave in certain ways if they're going 124 00:09:05.279 --> 00:09:11.279 to pay for things that would be considered financial abuse. What's happening here is, 125 00:09:11.279 --> 00:09:13.879 for some reason that you didn't explain to me, your husband has lost 126 00:09:13.919 --> 00:09:18.879 his job and may have I don't know for sure, fallen into some kind 127 00:09:18.919 --> 00:09:24.159 of depression. If unemployment doesn't make it depressed, I don't know what else 128 00:09:24.200 --> 00:09:31.240 does. So I think at this point it's about you and your boundaries and 129 00:09:31.399 --> 00:09:35.320 how much you can tolerate. You know, it's not your job to heal 130 00:09:35.440 --> 00:09:41.759 him. It's also not your job to support him while he does whatever he's 131 00:09:41.799 --> 00:09:45.480 doing. It is your job to set up boundaries. You didn't mention whether 132 00:09:45.480 --> 00:09:48.879 there are children in the house, whether this could potentially be the breakup of 133 00:09:48.919 --> 00:09:54.840 a family. But this is another time when finding some time and call your 134 00:09:54.919 --> 00:09:58.120 health insurance find out what they pay, finding some time and some money to 135 00:09:58.159 --> 00:10:05.200 get into therapy to help you be clear about your boundaries. Boundaries are you 136 00:10:05.240 --> 00:10:09.519 know, they're rules for you so you don't get hurt, but they also 137 00:10:09.679 --> 00:10:16.039 always involve consequences. Boundaries aren't just talking lip service. You need to get 138 00:10:16.039 --> 00:10:22.320 a job or else. There's no or else boundary would be I'm giving you 139 00:10:22.440 --> 00:10:26.399 ninety days. If you don't get yourself healed and find some contribution to this 140 00:10:26.440 --> 00:10:28.159 household, I'm going to move out or we're selling the house or whatever. 141 00:10:28.200 --> 00:10:31.720 I mean, those are huge, big boundaries. But I think that you 142 00:10:31.759 --> 00:10:37.879 need to spend some time figuring out what your boundaries are because and also you're 143 00:10:37.919 --> 00:10:43.720 not helping him by supporting him. That's called enabling, right, You're enabling 144 00:10:43.720 --> 00:10:48.879 whatever he's going through and letting it be the status quo. So my advice, 145 00:10:50.159 --> 00:10:54.399 see a therapist, figure out what it is. Dear doctor Wendy, 146 00:10:54.759 --> 00:10:58.840 my ax is trying to get back with me and I'm in a brand new 147 00:10:58.840 --> 00:11:03.440 relationship. I really love my ex, but our relationship got out of control. 148 00:11:05.000 --> 00:11:07.919 I wonder what's behind those words out of control. I wouldn't say it 149 00:11:09.000 --> 00:11:13.559 was toxic, but we stopped hearing each other. I feel like she only 150 00:11:13.559 --> 00:11:18.519 wants me back because I'm in a new relationship. Yes, of course, 151 00:11:18.919 --> 00:11:22.399 that's why we want people get all interested in us, you know when we 152 00:11:22.519 --> 00:11:26.200 get somebody else, because all of a sudden, our value goes up in 153 00:11:26.240 --> 00:11:31.960 their eyes. So you know, my advice is, if you're in a 154 00:11:31.000 --> 00:11:37.360 new relationship and if you're happy in that new relationship. Don't muddy the waters 155 00:11:37.720 --> 00:11:41.600 with all this back and forth thinking and looking back with rose colored glasses. 156 00:11:41.840 --> 00:11:46.080 There's actually research to show that when we look back in history we see things 157 00:11:46.120 --> 00:11:52.480 more positively. When we look forward to the future, as a natural survival 158 00:11:52.639 --> 00:11:58.639 instinct, we see things as more terrifying, more scary. So I think 159 00:11:58.639 --> 00:12:01.320 that this is a time for you to go complete really no contact so you 160 00:12:01.360 --> 00:12:05.200 can focus on your new relationship, because this is not fair to your new 161 00:12:05.240 --> 00:12:09.720 partner. I will say that, dear doctor Wendy, Oh, I get 162 00:12:09.720 --> 00:12:15.759 this kind of stuff alone a lot. I found some weird porn history in 163 00:12:15.840 --> 00:12:20.639 my boyfriend's phone. It wasn't anything like what we do. How can I 164 00:12:20.679 --> 00:12:24.000 talk to him about this? Should I say something? Okay? So, 165 00:12:24.200 --> 00:12:28.799 if you're a woman, I just want to tell you this. When guys 166 00:12:28.840 --> 00:12:31.120 watch porn, it's no different than a woman getting a pedicure. Okay. 167 00:12:31.240 --> 00:12:35.840 It doesn't mean their relationship shopping. It does like they're getting a little massage 168 00:12:35.879 --> 00:12:43.240 for their brain. I do. I am unhappy with increasingly violent porn, 169 00:12:43.320 --> 00:12:48.360 misogynistic porn, etc. Because it starts to wire men's brains into thinking women 170 00:12:48.399 --> 00:12:54.919 are that, etc. But everybody has a right to their own autonomy when 171 00:12:54.919 --> 00:13:00.159 it comes to their sexuality. So what someone does with the privacy of their 172 00:13:00.240 --> 00:13:03.200 telephone, if it's not bleeding into your relationship, like, come on, 173 00:13:03.279 --> 00:13:05.159 baby, I want to do this. They do it in the Bourne movies 174 00:13:05.159 --> 00:13:07.799 and you don't feel comfortable. Who cares, Let's do it anyway. Okay, 175 00:13:07.879 --> 00:13:11.960 it's not bleeding into your relationship. Then the next question is what are 176 00:13:11.960 --> 00:13:16.480 you doing in his phone? Huh? Really? I mean I've had a 177 00:13:16.480 --> 00:13:20.759 boyfriend for three years. We know each other's pass codes to our phone. 178 00:13:22.080 --> 00:13:26.559 I don't go digging around for fun. I might he's driving, he might 179 00:13:26.559 --> 00:13:31.279 say, answer this text for me. But the fact that you're snooping tells 180 00:13:31.320 --> 00:13:35.799 me that you feel insecure for some reason, either about the relationship or about 181 00:13:35.799 --> 00:13:41.440 your value in a relationship. So my advice woman to woman is stops snooping 182 00:13:43.080 --> 00:13:46.679 and then you won't hurt yourself. And if it's not bleeding into your relationship, 183 00:13:48.080 --> 00:13:52.320 then he has a right to whatever sexual fantasies, even if they include 184 00:13:52.840 --> 00:13:56.200 visual assistance that everyone does. It'd be like, okay, here's the flip 185 00:13:56.240 --> 00:14:01.120 side. What if a guy wrote in and said, my girlfriend will not 186 00:14:01.200 --> 00:14:03.519 tell me her fantasies. I don't think we can have a healthy sex life 187 00:14:03.600 --> 00:14:07.120 unless she tells me what's going on in her head at the same Sorry, 188 00:14:07.200 --> 00:14:09.720 dude, you don't get to know what we do to make our bodies respond. 189 00:14:11.120 --> 00:14:13.480 Is our business? All right? If you would like to send me 190 00:14:13.519 --> 00:14:18.519 a DM, I answer questions every week here on the show. The handle 191 00:14:18.639 --> 00:14:22.799 everywhere is at Doctor Wendy Walsh. All right, when we come back. 192 00:14:24.960 --> 00:14:26.879 There's a famous couple. I'll tell you who they are if you don't know 193 00:14:26.960 --> 00:14:33.399 them. As she's a new mom. She wore a provocative costume on stage, 194 00:14:33.080 --> 00:14:37.360 and her boyfriend who she's been with a few years, the father of 195 00:14:37.399 --> 00:14:41.320 her children, tweets out to the world or put somewhere on DM. It's 196 00:14:41.320 --> 00:14:50.320 the outfit though you're a mom oh moralizing her clothing because she has a baby. 197 00:14:50.720 --> 00:14:54.799 We need to talk about this when we come back. You are listening 198 00:14:54.799 --> 00:14:58.360 to The Doctor Wendy Wealsh Show on kf I AM six forty. We're live 199 00:14:58.360 --> 00:15:03.080 everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from 200 00:15:03.200 --> 00:15:07.679 kf I AM six forty. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on 201 00:15:07.759 --> 00:15:11.440 kf I am six forty. We are live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 202 00:15:11.480 --> 00:15:15.240 I always have to say that because so many people follow me on social media 203 00:15:15.320 --> 00:15:18.240 from all over the country and indeed the world. And I want to remind 204 00:15:18.279 --> 00:15:22.399 everybody that you can download the iHeartRadio app. If you've missed any part of 205 00:15:22.399 --> 00:15:26.159 this show, you can go back and listen to it all. It gets 206 00:15:26.159 --> 00:15:28.799 put up like an hour after the show. But also if you've missed any 207 00:15:28.799 --> 00:15:33.720 in the past, you can always listen to Doctor Wendy on demand. All 208 00:15:33.799 --> 00:15:37.799 right, So there's some gossip, celebrity gossip. Do you remember who the 209 00:15:37.840 --> 00:15:39.720 actress Keiki Palmer is. Remember she's young and hip and cool, and she 210 00:15:39.840 --> 00:15:46.240 announced her pregnancy on Saturday Night Live last year. I think it was She's 211 00:15:46.320 --> 00:15:52.720 from that beautiful actress from Aquila and the b And let's see a lot of 212 00:15:52.879 --> 00:15:58.279 media's family reunion jump in long shots, True Jackson, She goes on and 213 00:15:58.360 --> 00:16:02.919 on. So she's a successful AMOS actor. Now she has a boyfriend, 214 00:16:03.120 --> 00:16:07.519 a living boyfriend of a few years named Darius Jackson. I had to go 215 00:16:07.600 --> 00:16:10.480 look him up because I had to figure out, like, where is the 216 00:16:10.639 --> 00:16:14.919 status? Who has the power here? They have a baby. Baby was 217 00:16:14.960 --> 00:16:18.720 born in February. She announced her pregnancy on Saturday Night Live. He's a 218 00:16:18.759 --> 00:16:22.840 personal trainer. Okay, that's fine, you can be a good personal trainer. 219 00:16:22.039 --> 00:16:26.000 And he played football in college. He's gorgeous and all that stuff. 220 00:16:26.440 --> 00:16:30.399 So she's a new mom with a baby, and she goes out to an 221 00:16:30.440 --> 00:16:33.879 Usher concert. It's not clear whether she was with him or not in Las 222 00:16:33.960 --> 00:16:38.840 Vegas. Gets up on stage, Usher pays homage to her, sings a 223 00:16:38.919 --> 00:16:47.679 little bit, etc. And she's wearing a beautiful see through, sheer black 224 00:16:47.799 --> 00:16:55.200 dress with some lacy leggands underneath, and she looks gorgeous. All fine until 225 00:16:55.440 --> 00:17:00.799 after on social media when people were going crazy on how beautiful she looks. 226 00:17:00.840 --> 00:17:06.000 He writes, it's the outfit though, you a mom. I'm just reading 227 00:17:06.000 --> 00:17:07.920 it directly. I'm not mocking, just reading what he wrote, put it 228 00:17:07.960 --> 00:17:15.119 on Twitter, and then he doubled down, basically saying in his family, 229 00:17:15.559 --> 00:17:18.200 they have morals and this isn't right for a new mother to dress like this. 230 00:17:18.759 --> 00:17:23.200 Oh right, what's really happening, folks? So I want to remind 231 00:17:23.240 --> 00:17:27.319 you there are all kinds of things that contribute to your status in a relationship. 232 00:17:27.759 --> 00:17:32.279 For women, it is often how beautiful they look, but in today's 233 00:17:32.319 --> 00:17:37.119 times, it also may be level of celebrity. This guy her partner is 234 00:17:37.200 --> 00:17:44.160 not famous or just as gorgeous as her, etc. They're not married, 235 00:17:45.000 --> 00:17:51.880 she's got the baby now. And he sees Usher with his arm around his 236 00:17:51.960 --> 00:17:56.559 girlfriend up on stage and his girlfriend's looking very sexy. There is not any 237 00:17:56.559 --> 00:18:00.119 man on the planet who wouldn't feel a little threatened by at let alone a 238 00:18:00.160 --> 00:18:04.960 personal trainer who's married to a famous celebrity actress. So this was his little 239 00:18:06.079 --> 00:18:11.079 kind of jab to get hurt, to be in line right, He's afraid 240 00:18:11.720 --> 00:18:15.519 that Usher could be a mate poacher. I don't even know Usher's relationship status, 241 00:18:15.559 --> 00:18:18.720 so it doesn't matter. But the point is, this is why we 242 00:18:18.799 --> 00:18:25.480 do this, and it is very, very common with men to try to 243 00:18:25.640 --> 00:18:30.440 control women psychologically. We know there are men out there who try to control 244 00:18:30.519 --> 00:18:36.279 women physically through threats of violence or indeed violence, but the other ones when 245 00:18:36.599 --> 00:18:40.079 men feel insecure or they have an anxious attachment style. I'm not saying he 246 00:18:40.119 --> 00:18:45.359 does, but in general, they're more likely to try to put down their 247 00:18:45.400 --> 00:18:52.200 mate because if a guy can make a woman feel insecure, then she's less 248 00:18:52.240 --> 00:18:56.799 likely to go out into the mating marketplace and try to find somebody else. 249 00:18:56.079 --> 00:19:00.960 Okay, so that's what's going on. Now, let's go to the subject 250 00:19:00.000 --> 00:19:04.519 at hand. Is it okay for moms to dress sexy? Yes? Have 251 00:19:04.599 --> 00:19:08.920 you ever seen the video with is it the Kardashians and Fergie called milk Money 252 00:19:10.119 --> 00:19:14.240 and it's all about breastfeeding moms and how sexy they can be and the milkman 253 00:19:14.359 --> 00:19:18.119 chasing them. You really should see this video. It's fabulous. You know, 254 00:19:18.240 --> 00:19:22.880 women have every right, at any stage of their life span to use 255 00:19:22.880 --> 00:19:26.880 their greatest power, which is their physical prowess. It will be like saying 256 00:19:26.880 --> 00:19:30.480 to a man, you know what, now that we're married and we have 257 00:19:30.559 --> 00:19:36.000 a child, I really don't think you should drive a flashy sports car, 258 00:19:36.480 --> 00:19:38.440 and I don't think you should be going to the gym and working on those 259 00:19:38.480 --> 00:19:44.240 muscles all the time. That's the same thing, right, we are always 260 00:19:44.359 --> 00:19:48.559 going to be have to make guard everybody in every relationship. I make guard 261 00:19:48.680 --> 00:19:49.880 in my relate. I like where you been, who you with, who's 262 00:19:49.920 --> 00:19:52.680 that girl, what's happening? I need to show up there. If you 263 00:19:52.880 --> 00:19:59.000 value you your partner, you will mate guard them. This is a natural, 264 00:19:59.559 --> 00:20:06.119 normal part of human mating strategy, human evolution. So he's doing a 265 00:20:06.119 --> 00:20:10.400 little mate guarding by trying to put her down. Unfortunately, the Internet came 266 00:20:10.440 --> 00:20:14.359 to kekeep Palmer's side, and they're not happy with him, because the Internet 267 00:20:14.440 --> 00:20:18.640 right now is very feminist right and women have every right to use their body 268 00:20:18.920 --> 00:20:22.319 however they want. I always used to say when I was talking, for 269 00:20:22.359 --> 00:20:26.160 instance, about sex workers who get paid to do certain fun things. You 270 00:20:26.200 --> 00:20:32.039 know, if a man is qualified to do some physical jobs that involve heavy 271 00:20:32.119 --> 00:20:36.799 lifting that a woman couldn't do because of her just her upper body strength, 272 00:20:37.119 --> 00:20:41.440 then she's qualified to do some other jobs that he might not be qualified for 273 00:20:41.480 --> 00:20:45.200 because he's missing some parts. So just saying we have a right to use 274 00:20:45.240 --> 00:20:48.039 our body, now, was she deliberately trying to taunt him, tempted? 275 00:20:48.119 --> 00:20:51.799 We don't know. We don't know all the details of their relationship. But 276 00:20:51.880 --> 00:20:55.319 in my opinion, women can dress however they want, whenever they want, 277 00:20:55.359 --> 00:20:59.640 across the lifespan, and that also stands for older women. I cannot stand 278 00:20:59.759 --> 00:21:03.880 here young women on social media put down older women for dressing sexy. Who 279 00:21:03.920 --> 00:21:07.200 cares? She doesn't care what people think about her now because she's old, 280 00:21:07.400 --> 00:21:11.319 She's graduated. She's smart, she's wise, just saying, all right, 281 00:21:11.920 --> 00:21:17.400 this dude loses in this case against the school of public opinion. When we 282 00:21:17.480 --> 00:21:21.799 come back, let's talk about love. Let's talk about why it's important, 283 00:21:22.119 --> 00:21:25.839 let's talk about how to create it, and let's talk about the most important 284 00:21:25.920 --> 00:21:30.839 things you need to do to keep your relationship alive and healthy. You are 285 00:21:30.880 --> 00:21:33.079 listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on kf I AM six forty. We're 286 00:21:33.160 --> 00:21:38.519 live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand 287 00:21:38.799 --> 00:21:44.000 from kf I AM six forty. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show 288 00:21:44.039 --> 00:21:48.400 on kf I Am six forty. It is the home stretch of my two 289 00:21:48.440 --> 00:21:52.640 hours with you here on KFI every Sunday. It's always my treat to be 290 00:21:52.720 --> 00:21:55.400 here with you, and I wanted to spend a moment to kind of go 291 00:21:55.440 --> 00:22:00.039 back in history and talk about the beginning of how I got to where I 292 00:22:00.079 --> 00:22:06.400 am regarding teaching people about the science of love. I'm a psychology professor at 293 00:22:06.480 --> 00:22:11.319 California State University, Channel Islands, and when I teach developmental psychology, I 294 00:22:11.480 --> 00:22:17.000 talk about, especially in the age twenties or thirties, building intimacy. That 295 00:22:17.000 --> 00:22:21.279 that is the ultimate challenge and conflict. You know, we are wired to 296 00:22:21.319 --> 00:22:26.200 bond. We are wired to reach out and connect with people, whether that 297 00:22:26.279 --> 00:22:30.440 connection involves a sexual relationship, or romantic relationship or a close friendship. We 298 00:22:32.519 --> 00:22:37.039 don't do well in isolation. In fact, as a surgeon general says, 299 00:22:37.799 --> 00:22:42.400 loneliness is the big epidemic right now. But I thought I came from a 300 00:22:42.519 --> 00:22:45.680 leave it to Beaver family. In fact, of a friend of mine told 301 00:22:45.680 --> 00:22:48.279 me he was the first person to ever get me into therapy many years ago, 302 00:22:48.359 --> 00:22:52.039 and he said, when anybody says they came from an idyllic childhood, 303 00:22:52.119 --> 00:22:56.200 a perfect childhood, or leave it to beaver family, you know, there's 304 00:22:56.240 --> 00:23:02.680 a lot of baggage buried there, pretty deep, because the very act of 305 00:23:02.720 --> 00:23:07.880 going from pre verbal, completely dependent infant to you know, fully effective adult 306 00:23:08.000 --> 00:23:11.319 is a painful one. It's a lot of losses along the way, a 307 00:23:11.400 --> 00:23:17.440 lot of losses, and a healthy person learns how to manage those losses and 308 00:23:17.720 --> 00:23:23.480 grow from them. But I compensated for them. I became anxious, I 309 00:23:23.559 --> 00:23:27.920 became avoidant. I chased around a bunch of bad boys for a lot of 310 00:23:29.000 --> 00:23:32.799 years, and I had all kinds of opportunity because I was on television. 311 00:23:32.839 --> 00:23:34.599 I was a local news anchor here. I hosted TV shows, you know, 312 00:23:34.960 --> 00:23:41.039 And so I had opportunity to date a lot of people, but always 313 00:23:41.519 --> 00:23:47.720 the wrong ones, the ones who would reignite my early abandonment issues. And 314 00:23:47.839 --> 00:23:49.759 it's like, those bad boys made me crazy, But I wanted to make 315 00:23:49.960 --> 00:23:53.359 one of them love me. This was my crazy little challenge in my head. 316 00:23:53.559 --> 00:23:57.440 If I could somehow get one of them to turn into a good mate, 317 00:23:57.759 --> 00:24:03.839 then somehow I would be lovable, be a good person, be valuable 318 00:24:03.880 --> 00:24:08.240 to myself. I don't know, but that was my challenge. In the 319 00:24:08.279 --> 00:24:12.240 meantime, I met people who had a secure attachment style. I met great 320 00:24:12.319 --> 00:24:18.759 guys who were ready and available to be intimate. I remember actually sitting at 321 00:24:18.759 --> 00:24:21.480 a lunch table on like a third date with a guy, and he said, 322 00:24:21.559 --> 00:24:25.000 I just want you to know I'm attracted to you. I think you're 323 00:24:25.039 --> 00:24:27.599 fabulous, and I would like to go forward and get to know you better 324 00:24:27.640 --> 00:24:30.200 and have a real relationship. And I was like, I guess, all 325 00:24:30.240 --> 00:24:33.680 right, I gotta go take this call. I was dashing away from restaurant 326 00:24:33.720 --> 00:24:38.000 tables and out of places. I was this hard to attain woman because in 327 00:24:38.039 --> 00:24:44.880 some ways I was terrified or if somebody was available to me, emotionally available, 328 00:24:45.039 --> 00:24:48.799 then somehow there was something wrong with them in my mind. It's like 329 00:24:48.119 --> 00:24:52.279 I thought, well, they're too nice, why do they like me? 330 00:24:52.559 --> 00:24:55.680 I need to prove that I'm likable by having somebody who doesn't like me like 331 00:24:55.759 --> 00:25:00.559 me. It was the craziest, craziest way of thinking. So anyway, 332 00:25:00.839 --> 00:25:03.960 this friend of mine eventually got me into therapy. I went to a number 333 00:25:03.960 --> 00:25:07.640 of different therapists. I tried all kinds of things. It was only later, 334 00:25:08.319 --> 00:25:11.519 you know, once I settled down to nurse my babies, that I 335 00:25:11.559 --> 00:25:17.000 went to graduate school in my late thirties to get a master's and PhD in 336 00:25:17.039 --> 00:25:21.039 psychology, And then I learned that there's a whole science to love, and 337 00:25:21.039 --> 00:25:22.200 that love isn't about luck. You hear people say all the time, you 338 00:25:22.200 --> 00:25:26.119 know, if it happens or if it works out for me, No it 339 00:25:26.160 --> 00:25:27.480 doesn't. You make it work out, like everything else in your life. 340 00:25:27.480 --> 00:25:32.079 You plan it, you execute it, you make it happen. Love is 341 00:25:32.200 --> 00:25:37.640 about skills, not luck, and you can learn those skills if you don't 342 00:25:37.680 --> 00:25:41.480 have people around you who can shape you and help you learn to be intimate. 343 00:25:41.799 --> 00:25:45.799 Then go to a therapist who can teach you how to be intimate. 344 00:25:45.599 --> 00:25:51.720 You know, I'm a very long slow boat on the way to love. 345 00:25:52.319 --> 00:25:56.039 I don't think I found a true, secure attachment and a feeling of deep 346 00:25:56.119 --> 00:26:03.680 love until well into my fifties. Well into my fifties, I kept learning, 347 00:26:03.200 --> 00:26:10.319 but all along I kept reminding myself that every relationship wasn't a failed relationship. 348 00:26:10.359 --> 00:26:12.960 It was a learning opportunity for me to get smarter, to understand what 349 00:26:14.000 --> 00:26:17.119 I didn't want to leave earlier. For many people, I say, you 350 00:26:17.200 --> 00:26:19.680 know what, it might be progress for you to see the red flags early 351 00:26:21.000 --> 00:26:22.799 and move away and just be like, Nope, that's not going to work. 352 00:26:22.960 --> 00:26:26.839 One of my videos that went viral online, it is about me just 353 00:26:26.839 --> 00:26:29.960 telling a little story about somebody I saw for a short period of time and 354 00:26:30.000 --> 00:26:32.119 the sex was great and they were a nice person, and then I could 355 00:26:32.160 --> 00:26:36.440 feel them withdrawing a little bit, and the old Wendy would have chased him 356 00:26:36.480 --> 00:26:38.680 down or tried to be extra sexy and cool and tried to reel him back 357 00:26:38.680 --> 00:26:41.200 in with all my tips and tricks, because I was very good at that 358 00:26:41.839 --> 00:26:45.000 but this time I didn't. I called him and I said, hey, 359 00:26:45.319 --> 00:26:48.480 you know, we've lost our rhythm or whatever. I had a little conversation 360 00:26:48.519 --> 00:26:52.400 about it, and I could feel him not having a clear answer for me, 361 00:26:52.680 --> 00:26:55.920 and so I said goodbye, Darling, goodbye Darling, and I moved 362 00:26:55.920 --> 00:26:59.240 along. Doesn't mean I didn't feel sad. It didn't mean that I didn't 363 00:26:59.279 --> 00:27:02.920 feelings of loss. It didn't mean that I didn't feel even a little bit 364 00:27:02.920 --> 00:27:07.680 abandoned. But I could tolerate those feelings and know that there was something else 365 00:27:07.720 --> 00:27:12.640 out there for me. You know, love has biological pieces, pheromones, 366 00:27:14.079 --> 00:27:19.960 gene matching, Love has psychological pieces our attachment style. Love also has social 367 00:27:19.960 --> 00:27:22.400 pieces. And that's pretty much all we put in the dating app. The 368 00:27:22.440 --> 00:27:26.359 social thing like what food you eat? Are you vegan? Are you a 369 00:27:26.400 --> 00:27:32.640 paleo? Or you know? Or political or education or zip code. That's 370 00:27:32.680 --> 00:27:38.039 the social stuff because in practicality, relationships are a bridge between tribes and so 371 00:27:38.079 --> 00:27:44.720 it's all those things. It's psychology, biology, and it is sociology. 372 00:27:45.279 --> 00:27:48.640 And I encourage you to keep trying. If you're still single, I encourage 373 00:27:48.640 --> 00:27:51.640 you to keep trying because the person is out there and the person by the 374 00:27:51.640 --> 00:27:55.000 ways in you. Once you have good relationship skills, you'll find there are 375 00:27:55.000 --> 00:27:57.359 many more mates around. That's the first thing. But if you're in a 376 00:27:57.400 --> 00:28:03.440 relationship that is un of filling to you, you have the ability to improve 377 00:28:03.480 --> 00:28:07.400 that relationship or find a new relationship. Don't beat yourself up because it's not 378 00:28:07.440 --> 00:28:14.319 working. We just all keep trying. Stop judging, stop shaming yourself. 379 00:28:15.160 --> 00:28:18.599 Love will be there. We're wired to bond and I wish you love and 380 00:28:18.720 --> 00:28:23.160 happiness in your future. You can always find me every Sunday from seven to 381 00:28:23.240 --> 00:28:26.680 nine pm right here on KFI AM six forty. You can also follow me 382 00:28:26.720 --> 00:28:32.160 on my social media at doctor Wendy Walsh. It is always my pleasure to 383 00:28:32.240 --> 00:28:36.039 share the research and the science of love with you. You been listening to 384 00:28:36.079 --> 00:28:40.359 the Doctor Wendy Welsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on 385 00:28:40.400 --> 00:28:45.880 the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always 386 00:28:45.880 --> 00:28:48.720 hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday 387 00:28:48.920 --> 00:28:52.960 and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.