WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:04.040 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I Am six forty, 2 00:00:04.080 --> 00:00:09.400 the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app kf I Am six 3 00:00:09.480 --> 00:00:12.599 forty. You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy 4 00:00:12.640 --> 00:00:15.199 Walsh Show. You know, if you want to send me a relationship question, 5 00:00:15.279 --> 00:00:17.879 you certainly can. Uh, Kayla, where do you check? You 6 00:00:17.960 --> 00:00:22.839 check face? My Facebook, Instagram, Instagram, take YouTube, even YouTube. 7 00:00:22.879 --> 00:00:26.600 So at d R Wendy Walsh's the handle at doctor Wendy Walsh. You 8 00:00:26.640 --> 00:00:30.679 can send them any time during the week. I will never say your name. 9 00:00:30.879 --> 00:00:35.520 I will always keep it anonymous. A reminder, I'm not a therapist. 10 00:00:35.719 --> 00:00:39.840 I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a professor. But I've 11 00:00:39.840 --> 00:00:44.119 written three books on relationships, did a dissertation on attachment theory, and well, 12 00:00:44.439 --> 00:00:48.439 I've had a lot of personal experience in dating. So I'm a woman 13 00:00:48.479 --> 00:00:51.439 of certain age who's happy to weigh in on your love life. So let 14 00:00:51.479 --> 00:00:55.840 me go to social media right now and answer some of your relationship questions. 15 00:00:57.119 --> 00:01:00.840 Oh, this is an interesting one, Dear doctor Wendy. This guy I'm 16 00:01:00.920 --> 00:01:04.480 dating says that I'm too masculine. I don't like those words masculine and feminine, 17 00:01:04.480 --> 00:01:08.239 but let's get there. I'm too masculine because I like to control everything. 18 00:01:08.519 --> 00:01:15.000 How do I turn that off? My ex husband was kind of nonchalant 19 00:01:15.040 --> 00:01:18.400 and he was a boy. Oh then he made me plan everything. He 20 00:01:18.480 --> 00:01:23.439 made you really or you took it over. I want to be feminine and 21 00:01:23.519 --> 00:01:27.480 submissive. Okay, First of all, let us take masculine and feminine off 22 00:01:27.519 --> 00:01:34.239 the table. The two things you're talking about are control and submission, right, 23 00:01:34.799 --> 00:01:41.599 So let's talk about why people control things in a relationship. In general, 24 00:01:42.000 --> 00:01:46.319 control has to do with anxiety. If you are trying to control somebody 25 00:01:46.359 --> 00:01:49.200 else, either where they're going, what they're wearing, or where the two 26 00:01:49.239 --> 00:01:55.640 of you are going together, it's because you don't trust that they will keep 27 00:01:55.680 --> 00:01:59.200 you safe, that they will make the right choices if they have some power 28 00:01:59.239 --> 00:02:02.120 in the relationship. Generally, the people who control the most no matter what 29 00:02:02.200 --> 00:02:07.239 your gender are. It's not about masculine and femininity. They're the people who 30 00:02:07.239 --> 00:02:14.240 are less secure in the relationship. Now, when this listener says to me, 31 00:02:14.759 --> 00:02:21.000 I want to be more feminine and submissive, what I'm hearing is I 32 00:02:21.039 --> 00:02:23.479 want to be able to trust. I want to be able to trust that 33 00:02:23.520 --> 00:02:29.800 my needs will be taken care of in a relationship and that, my dear, 34 00:02:30.479 --> 00:02:34.199 is what you work through in therapy, so that you can learn how 35 00:02:34.199 --> 00:02:38.120 to trust love, how you can learn how to choose partners who you can 36 00:02:38.240 --> 00:02:43.319 depend on that will do the right thing. So it's not about being feminine 37 00:02:43.319 --> 00:02:49.280 and submissive. It's about trusting somebody else to make the plans and knowing that 38 00:02:49.319 --> 00:02:54.000 you will be cared for in whatever those plans are. And that's an internal 39 00:02:54.080 --> 00:02:58.879 job, learning to trust. And it's also about picking right right. So 40 00:02:59.000 --> 00:03:01.879 let's take masculine feminine out of this whole thing. Don't like that language, 41 00:03:02.759 --> 00:03:07.800 all right, Dear doctor Wendy, I've been hooking up with someone for the 42 00:03:07.879 --> 00:03:12.719 last two years. Well, fun, have fun. Communication is okay. 43 00:03:14.199 --> 00:03:16.360 We had sex two weeks ago and I haven't heard a peep from him. 44 00:03:16.719 --> 00:03:20.879 Also, he didn't take me text me back, so okay. So let 45 00:03:20.919 --> 00:03:23.120 me get this clear. It's a hookup that you just said that I've been 46 00:03:23.120 --> 00:03:27.479 hooking up with someone for two years. That's a long time to be having 47 00:03:27.479 --> 00:03:31.560 sex with the same person. Then you say communication is okay. So if 48 00:03:31.560 --> 00:03:36.960 it's just a hookup. Why are you worried so much about communication? Then 49 00:03:37.000 --> 00:03:40.319 you're worried that you had sex. You texted him and he didn't text back, 50 00:03:40.360 --> 00:03:46.599 So I'm starting to feel some abandonment anxiety there. Right then you say, 51 00:03:46.120 --> 00:03:50.599 today he texts he sex me, Oh, did he send you a 52 00:03:50.599 --> 00:03:53.400 sexy picture or say something sexy? Whatever? And then your question to me 53 00:03:53.639 --> 00:04:00.159 is does this guy just want to have sex with me? Yes? But 54 00:04:00.199 --> 00:04:05.439 what happens is when women continue to have no they imagine it no strings attach 55 00:04:05.560 --> 00:04:13.280 sex regularly with the same person. It often means that their bodies start to 56 00:04:13.319 --> 00:04:16.879 get attached. You see when women have sex. Now, men also manufacture 57 00:04:16.879 --> 00:04:21.480 a little bit of oxytocin as the bonding hormone and dopamine and europinephron et cetera. 58 00:04:21.519 --> 00:04:27.839 But women get a huge surge of oxytocin when they have sex. It's 59 00:04:27.959 --> 00:04:30.800 very common for women to say to me, I don't know why that guy 60 00:04:30.839 --> 00:04:32.079 hasn't called me back. And I'll say, well, I thought it was 61 00:04:32.120 --> 00:04:35.160 just sports sex, and and they're like, yeah, but he should at 62 00:04:35.199 --> 00:04:40.160 least call me back. It's like their body is attaching. Here. You 63 00:04:40.240 --> 00:04:45.199 are worried about communication worried he's not texting you back, and now you're wondering 64 00:04:45.360 --> 00:04:47.680 if he just wants sex alone with you. Yeah, that's all he wants. 65 00:04:48.160 --> 00:04:51.639 Okay, it's not going to be more. You haven't expressly laid out 66 00:04:51.639 --> 00:04:54.879 those rules for it to be more. I mean, you could do one 67 00:04:55.000 --> 00:04:58.079 last attempt and say, by the way, I'm starting to feel for you, 68 00:04:58.160 --> 00:05:00.920 I have some level of attachment. How do you feel about me? 69 00:05:00.519 --> 00:05:03.160 If you want to do that, you can, But I'm telling you right 70 00:05:03.160 --> 00:05:06.240 now it's probably not gonna be good news that you're gonna hear. Sorry to 71 00:05:06.319 --> 00:05:12.439 say, but you entered into one contract and then your body physiologically changed the 72 00:05:12.480 --> 00:05:17.480 contract, and now your head's getting into games. All right? Oh another 73 00:05:17.519 --> 00:05:20.360 friends with benefits. Listen to this, dear doctor, Wendy, I am 74 00:05:20.399 --> 00:05:25.680 missing my friends with benefits of two and a half years. So I don't 75 00:05:25.720 --> 00:05:27.879 know if you haven't seen each other two and a half years or you were 76 00:05:27.879 --> 00:05:30.480 friends with benefits for two and a half years, that's not clear. I 77 00:05:30.560 --> 00:05:33.639 found out he's seeing someone else while we were still messing with each other. 78 00:05:34.959 --> 00:05:39.399 Okay, so basically you were friends with benefits. You found out that he 79 00:05:39.399 --> 00:05:44.680 had another friend with other benefits and so you decided enough already this is round 80 00:05:44.680 --> 00:05:47.079 two, you say, of no contact. It's been a little over a 81 00:05:47.120 --> 00:05:54.839 month now. I guess I missed who I thought he was, not who 82 00:05:54.879 --> 00:05:59.839 he turned out to be. Ooh, been working on myself lately. Does 83 00:05:59.879 --> 00:06:04.040 it get better? Easier? And when, honey, bunny, you're growing 84 00:06:04.600 --> 00:06:10.560 And you know what, sometimes when it hurts the most is when we're growing 85 00:06:10.879 --> 00:06:15.800 the most. And yes, you were in love with Hope. You were 86 00:06:15.800 --> 00:06:19.120 in love with your fantasy of him. Admit it. There was a little 87 00:06:19.120 --> 00:06:24.920 piece of you who was hoping your friend with benefits was going to turn around 88 00:06:24.959 --> 00:06:28.879 one day and say, hey, this is so much more because you're so 89 00:06:29.040 --> 00:06:32.879 fabulous and I love you and let's be a couple. This is the quiet 90 00:06:32.879 --> 00:06:39.120 fantasy that so many women hold in their heads. You know, the oldest 91 00:06:39.720 --> 00:06:47.519 trade in human history is women attempt to trade sex for love, and they 92 00:06:47.560 --> 00:06:54.680 lose one hundred percent of the time because men don't fall in love through sex. 93 00:06:56.160 --> 00:06:59.240 They can have sex with the same woman over and over look two and 94 00:06:59.240 --> 00:07:02.399 a half years. You said, same woman for two and a half years, 95 00:07:02.680 --> 00:07:05.560 and not like her one bit more than they did that first time. 96 00:07:06.600 --> 00:07:12.560 Because for men it's just sex. Now. It's not that men can't have 97 00:07:12.720 --> 00:07:16.519 great sex when they are emotionally in love with somebody. And men will tell 98 00:07:16.519 --> 00:07:21.839 me that they've had much better sex with someone they love, but they don't 99 00:07:21.959 --> 00:07:27.920 fall in love because of the sex. And this is the thing that so 100 00:07:28.079 --> 00:07:32.560 many women get wrong. Okay, so your answer, does it get better? 101 00:07:33.120 --> 00:07:38.480 Yeah? It gets better? Does it get easier? Yeah? How 102 00:07:38.480 --> 00:07:42.360 long is it going to take? It's different for everybody, you know. 103 00:07:42.439 --> 00:07:46.199 In my case, I was in therapy on and off for years, trying 104 00:07:46.240 --> 00:07:50.199 to work through my feelings of abandonment, trying to figure out where they belonged 105 00:07:50.439 --> 00:07:54.720 in my childhood. It turns out had to do with my dad away in 106 00:07:54.759 --> 00:07:58.800 the navy all the time and me in love with longing. I was in 107 00:07:58.800 --> 00:08:03.399 love with longing. And when I did meet those nice guys who were there, 108 00:08:03.079 --> 00:08:05.519 who showed up when they said they were going to show up, who 109 00:08:05.519 --> 00:08:09.920 did what they said they were going to do, who expressed feelings to me, 110 00:08:09.240 --> 00:08:13.920 I would go running because that didn't feel like love to me. Love 111 00:08:13.959 --> 00:08:18.360 to me had to have a component of loss and longing. So when will 112 00:08:18.360 --> 00:08:22.319 it get better? Soon? But you're going to have to do the work 113 00:08:22.720 --> 00:08:28.399 and probably with a licensed therapist. This is hard. Remember when it hurts 114 00:08:28.439 --> 00:08:33.879 the most, you're growing the most. I'm going to continue to answer your 115 00:08:33.080 --> 00:08:37.360 social media questions when we come back. The handle if you want to send 116 00:08:37.360 --> 00:08:41.519 me one is at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. You're listening to 117 00:08:41.559 --> 00:08:46.840 the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and KFI AM six forty were live everywhere on the 118 00:08:46.879 --> 00:08:52.960 iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six 119 00:08:54.120 --> 00:08:58.519 forty. KFI Am six forty you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This 120 00:08:58.679 --> 00:09:03.480 is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and I am digging into my social media. 121 00:09:03.759 --> 00:09:07.000 Thank you for all of you who sent me these questions. Remember I will 122 00:09:07.120 --> 00:09:13.919 never reveal your identity or embarrass you. These are very personal questions and I 123 00:09:13.000 --> 00:09:16.080 know that. But if you want to send one in a DM, Instagram's 124 00:09:16.080 --> 00:09:20.519 a great place to check at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. Hi, 125 00:09:20.600 --> 00:09:26.279 doctor Wendy says this listener. I'm thirty two and I feel like I 126 00:09:26.279 --> 00:09:30.639 don't know how to approach dating anymore. I try to be carefree and easy 127 00:09:30.679 --> 00:09:35.159 going. Oop fir'st mistake. I think it gets me nowhere, but being 128 00:09:35.240 --> 00:09:41.759 oh used and not taken seriously. I try to take things slower and express 129 00:09:41.799 --> 00:09:46.279 my dating intentions. Yes, then I'm too strict and intense for men, 130 00:09:46.120 --> 00:09:50.720 holding back sex and waiting for a few dates for a kiss. Do I 131 00:09:50.799 --> 00:09:54.679 need to change? You know? What you need to be is more authentic 132 00:09:54.720 --> 00:09:58.919 with who you are and what your needs are. It sounds like what you're 133 00:09:58.919 --> 00:10:03.000 trying to do is be in a certain way to try to get men to 134 00:10:03.120 --> 00:10:07.399 behave right to either just fall in love with you, et cetera. I 135 00:10:07.440 --> 00:10:11.240 think you need to be clear about what you're looking for. Are you looking 136 00:10:11.240 --> 00:10:15.080 for a long term, committed relationship, then it's okay to take things slower. 137 00:10:15.480 --> 00:10:18.639 You're saying that These men say you're too strict, you know what. 138 00:10:18.679 --> 00:10:22.200 That's the game they play when there they are trying to obtain just sex and 139 00:10:22.240 --> 00:10:26.440 you're saying, you know, I'd rather take a little time to get to 140 00:10:26.480 --> 00:10:28.759 know you and explore and see where this is going. And they get mad 141 00:10:28.840 --> 00:10:33.639 at you and call you too strict, too intent, too hard, too 142 00:10:33.679 --> 00:10:37.679 many rules of it. Guys say those things to me, then you know 143 00:10:37.720 --> 00:10:41.480 they're not a good match for you. They're just trying to make you feel 144 00:10:41.519 --> 00:10:46.120 bad about having your own boundaries. It's at you don't have to get mad, 145 00:10:46.159 --> 00:10:50.120 but it's okay to say, you know, I don't feel comfortable, 146 00:10:50.679 --> 00:10:52.679 you know, having sex with you yet I'd rather spend some time getting to 147 00:10:52.679 --> 00:10:56.759 know you or just talking. And if they act like there's something wrong with 148 00:10:56.840 --> 00:11:01.240 you, then there's something wrong with them as it being a match for you. 149 00:11:01.600 --> 00:11:03.480 It means all they want is that sex and anything else is just like, 150 00:11:03.559 --> 00:11:05.559 oh, am, I gonna have to put up with this till I 151 00:11:05.559 --> 00:11:09.840 get the sex. Not oh, this is an interesting woman. I'd like 152 00:11:09.919 --> 00:11:11.879 to maybe get to know her better too, So you're doing the right thing. 153 00:11:13.080 --> 00:11:16.200 Just don't listen to them when they say that stuff. Okay, uh, 154 00:11:16.320 --> 00:11:20.519 Dear doctor Wendy. Last Friday night, I broke things off with a 155 00:11:20.519 --> 00:11:26.159 girl I was dating for three months and now I'm starting to feel regret. 156 00:11:26.480 --> 00:11:30.080 Should I call her? I know it won't work out in the long run, 157 00:11:30.120 --> 00:11:31.759 but I do miss her. Okay, we need to stop and unpack 158 00:11:31.840 --> 00:11:35.320 this. So I why you to understand that even when you realize that somebody's 159 00:11:35.360 --> 00:11:39.799 not right for you, and your brain is able to override all the feelings 160 00:11:39.799 --> 00:11:43.000 of lust and attraction and say, you know what, this is not going 161 00:11:43.080 --> 00:11:46.639 to work out for the long term and break up with them. It doesn't 162 00:11:46.679 --> 00:11:52.039 mean you're not gonna have feelings of loss. Feelings of loss shouldn't be designed 163 00:11:52.080 --> 00:11:54.879 to make you go, you know what, maybe it could work out. 164 00:11:54.919 --> 00:11:58.240 You just told me, you said, I know we won't work in the 165 00:11:58.320 --> 00:12:03.600 long run, but I miss her. You know. I had a video 166 00:12:03.639 --> 00:12:07.360 that went viral on Instagram one time where I told a story that I was 167 00:12:07.159 --> 00:12:11.919 hook it up with a guy and I thought it was maybe growing into something 168 00:12:11.919 --> 00:12:16.000 a little closer, and then I felt him kind of withdraw and he had 169 00:12:16.000 --> 00:12:20.679 a bunch of friends that came to visit from out of town and he didn't 170 00:12:20.679 --> 00:12:24.000 even call me that week they were in So the next time he reached out 171 00:12:24.039 --> 00:12:26.759 to me, I basically said, hey, you know, it feels like 172 00:12:26.919 --> 00:12:31.240 I'm investing more in this relationship than you are, so we're just gonna have 173 00:12:31.279 --> 00:12:35.440 to say goodbye. And he, you know, he said, oh yeah, 174 00:12:35.440 --> 00:12:37.639 I don't know why, but accu he didn't really have an answer for 175 00:12:37.679 --> 00:12:41.200 how he was behaving. So I said goodbye, darling, Thank you. 176 00:12:41.240 --> 00:12:46.480 This was lovely It doesn't mean that in the few days afterwards, I didn't 177 00:12:46.480 --> 00:12:50.320 shed a few tears in the shower. I didn't have those I had those 178 00:12:50.360 --> 00:12:54.399 feelings of loss. Okay, feelings of a loss. You know. I 179 00:12:54.519 --> 00:12:58.879 used to say, even if you've when you break up with somebody, even 180 00:12:58.879 --> 00:13:01.480 if they were the worst person in the world, Sometimes it feels like you've 181 00:13:01.519 --> 00:13:03.559 lost a leg. You got to remind yourself that leg had gangrene. You 182 00:13:03.559 --> 00:13:07.200 didn't need it, all right, But there will be a time where you 183 00:13:07.279 --> 00:13:11.320 feel loss. That doesn't mean you should get back together. It means you 184 00:13:11.440 --> 00:13:16.759 should go through the grieving. Grieving is normal, and negative feelings don't last 185 00:13:16.799 --> 00:13:24.519 forever. If you wait, they will pass. Oh okay, Hi, 186 00:13:24.600 --> 00:13:28.600 doctor Wendy. How long should you expect should you wait to expect to have 187 00:13:28.639 --> 00:13:35.080 the exclusivity talk with someone? I have a three month mark to see if 188 00:13:35.080 --> 00:13:37.679 a guy asks me to be exclusive with him, otherwise I move on. 189 00:13:39.200 --> 00:13:41.879 Is this healthy? Okay? Hard and fast rules that are crazy like that 190 00:13:41.960 --> 00:13:46.360 with timeframes are always wrong because everybody's different, every situation is different, et 191 00:13:46.440 --> 00:13:54.240 cetera. But you're sitting around having sex with a man and hoping he's going 192 00:13:54.279 --> 00:13:58.639 to ask you to be exclusive with him. I need to tell you something, 193 00:13:58.720 --> 00:14:05.559 darling. There are no such things as grooms magazines. Men don't spend 194 00:14:05.600 --> 00:14:09.960 their whole life thinking about what tuxedo they're gonna wear down the aisle. They 195 00:14:09.000 --> 00:14:13.480 do not think, oh, maybe she'll be my girlfriend if I ask her. 196 00:14:13.039 --> 00:14:16.360 You know what. They think this is fun, she's a fun girl. 197 00:14:16.600 --> 00:14:20.720 This is great. I don't need anything more. Mm hmm. It's 198 00:14:20.799 --> 00:14:24.759 up to women to negotiate commitment, and bitches get commitment. Oh can I 199 00:14:24.759 --> 00:14:28.240 say that word on TV? Yeah? Bitches get commitment, get commitment. 200 00:14:28.240 --> 00:14:33.639 They do so being strong and having boundaries before you start having sex. You 201 00:14:33.639 --> 00:14:37.679 know. All you say is, look, you and I have already discussed 202 00:14:37.679 --> 00:14:39.360 in our early dates that you and I are both looking for a long term 203 00:14:39.399 --> 00:14:41.559 relationship. We don't know if you and I are going to be the one, 204 00:14:41.879 --> 00:14:46.120 but if we begin to move into a physical relationship, i'd like to 205 00:14:46.159 --> 00:14:48.200 know that I'm the only person you're sleeping with. If you can't make that 206 00:14:48.320 --> 00:14:54.559 commitment to me for at least my biological physiological safety, then we shouldn't go 207 00:14:54.600 --> 00:15:00.399 forward. That's when you negotiated before, not after. Okay, well we'll 208 00:15:00.399 --> 00:15:03.720 have sex for three months and see if he asked me if I want to 209 00:15:03.720 --> 00:15:07.080 be his girlfriend. I don't know any guy who's ever done that, have 210 00:15:07.159 --> 00:15:09.159 you, Kayla, No, I don't think so. No guys. You 211 00:15:09.159 --> 00:15:13.840 guys don't do that. They don't they're no grooms magazines. Hi, doctor 212 00:15:13.840 --> 00:15:18.159 Wendy. I met a guy on hinge and after dating for a month, 213 00:15:18.559 --> 00:15:20.320 he asked me to be his girlfriend. Oh see, now we have the 214 00:15:20.360 --> 00:15:26.799 opposite right. He's not the best texture and I'm lucky if I get a 215 00:15:26.840 --> 00:15:31.840 text back after eight hours. Instead, he will call me for five to 216 00:15:31.879 --> 00:15:37.639 ten minutes most evenings. I brought up how his communication skills are lacking twice 217 00:15:37.679 --> 00:15:39.919 now this past week, he didn't call or text me for three days. 218 00:15:39.919 --> 00:15:43.840 After that, of course he didn't, you criticized him. Is it normal 219 00:15:43.960 --> 00:15:48.840 not to call text your girlfriend for that long? Am I being too sensitive? 220 00:15:48.240 --> 00:15:52.399 Yes? You're being too sensitive. Yes, it's only been a month, 221 00:15:52.679 --> 00:15:56.080 and my god, in one month he wants you to be his girlfriend. 222 00:15:58.080 --> 00:16:02.360 Come on, take a breath, you slow down a little bit. 223 00:16:03.159 --> 00:16:07.200 And why would you prefer texting over a lovely intimate telephone call. Wait, 224 00:16:07.840 --> 00:16:11.360 I understand they rushed into the relationship. Yeah, but two or three days 225 00:16:11.360 --> 00:16:15.960 without a text or call from your boyfriend. No, but that's because she 226 00:16:15.080 --> 00:16:18.080 criticized him. That's when it happened, because she said, I don't like 227 00:16:18.159 --> 00:16:21.799 your communication skills, so he went, okay, let me show you. 228 00:16:21.840 --> 00:16:27.000 Then you're not going to get anything. He punished her because she criticized him. 229 00:16:27.080 --> 00:16:30.399 I don't like him. She should pick up the phone and call him. 230 00:16:30.440 --> 00:16:33.440 She needs to run away if he's punishing, I stated a guy who 231 00:16:33.559 --> 00:16:37.600 a bunch of months into it, I suddenly realized that he never ever ever 232 00:16:37.759 --> 00:16:38.799 called me. I was the one doing all the communication. I mean, 233 00:16:40.000 --> 00:16:41.320 he was there. He did everything he said he was going to do when 234 00:16:41.320 --> 00:16:45.480 we were seeing each other regularly, but it was me making the phone calls. 235 00:16:45.840 --> 00:16:47.360 And then I said to him, how come you never called me? 236 00:16:47.399 --> 00:16:49.279 And he goes, well, you know, I worry that you might be 237 00:16:49.320 --> 00:16:52.240 busy and I don't want to interrupt you. And then I was like, 238 00:16:52.360 --> 00:16:56.279 oh, you're insecure. You're afraid it'll feel like a rejection if I don't 239 00:16:56.279 --> 00:17:00.519 pick up. Did you dump them eventually? But I was trying to train 240 00:17:00.600 --> 00:17:02.840 them first, and you know, you can call me, yeah, and 241 00:17:02.879 --> 00:17:04.839 I will pick up right. But by the time he would call, so 242 00:17:04.880 --> 00:17:07.759 I'd wait and not call, not call, knockhos and then by the time 243 00:17:07.799 --> 00:17:11.960 he would call, he'd be angry because I hadn't called. Oh, yeah 244 00:17:11.960 --> 00:17:14.559 he didn't learn it. Yeah he had to go. He was too sensitive 245 00:17:14.599 --> 00:17:18.240 and yeah, you're being too sensitive. Do you have time for one more? 246 00:17:18.240 --> 00:17:22.160 Is it? No? Roll saying no? Oh my goodness? Alrighty 247 00:17:22.680 --> 00:17:26.640 send me your questions wherever you want on social media. Hey, when we 248 00:17:26.680 --> 00:17:33.920 come back. My favorite researchers, Gotman's from the Gotman Institute, have come 249 00:17:33.039 --> 00:17:40.240 up with the secret to healthy relationships. Three things all long term happy couples. 250 00:17:40.319 --> 00:17:42.720 Do I help you do these things in your relationship? You're listening to 251 00:17:42.720 --> 00:17:48.200 the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on 252 00:17:48.240 --> 00:17:53.640 the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM 253 00:17:53.640 --> 00:17:57.920 six forty. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six 254 00:17:59.000 --> 00:18:02.759 forty. Would live every where on the iHeartRadio app. You know, I 255 00:18:02.920 --> 00:18:07.880 have always been a fan of the Gotmans. John Gottman and his lovely wife 256 00:18:07.960 --> 00:18:11.839 Julie up at the University of Washington. They have been studying couples putting them 257 00:18:11.880 --> 00:18:18.880 in labs for nearly four decades. They're the people who can put a couple 258 00:18:18.920 --> 00:18:23.319 in a room, have them have one four minute conversation, some problem solving 259 00:18:23.319 --> 00:18:30.960 conversation, and they're able to tell with something like ninety two percent accuracy. 260 00:18:30.359 --> 00:18:33.119 I don't know the exact number, we're gonna go with ninety two percent accuracy 261 00:18:33.880 --> 00:18:38.079 whether this couple's going to divorce soon or not. You see, there are 262 00:18:38.119 --> 00:18:44.039 certain ways that couples deal with conflict. Now, the other thing I love 263 00:18:44.079 --> 00:18:49.279 about them is they also can tell what works in couples. Here's what we 264 00:18:49.400 --> 00:18:53.119 know. You know, I'm a professor of health psychology, and you'd think 265 00:18:53.160 --> 00:18:57.160 i'd be teaching diet and exercise, but I'm not. I'm teaching about our 266 00:18:57.240 --> 00:19:03.799 interpersonal relationships, our thought patterns, our social world You know, health habits 267 00:19:03.799 --> 00:19:07.559 are highly contagious in social worlds. And one of the things we know is 268 00:19:07.559 --> 00:19:12.759 that good, healthy relationships are good for your health. All kinds of studies 269 00:19:14.039 --> 00:19:19.319 show that having positive interpersonal relationships reduce the production of that stress hormone cortisol. 270 00:19:19.599 --> 00:19:23.200 Right. It can help you feel better about yourself, have a better sense 271 00:19:23.200 --> 00:19:29.279 of well being, and that can add years to your life. Did you 272 00:19:29.359 --> 00:19:36.599 know people in committed romantic relationships have a much lower risk of cardiovascular disease. 273 00:19:37.200 --> 00:19:41.400 Now, when I say committed, I mean a healthy relationship, not a 274 00:19:41.440 --> 00:19:47.119 toxic one, because we also know the toxic relationships are very bad for your 275 00:19:47.119 --> 00:19:52.160 health, both your mental health and your physical health. So what is toxic? 276 00:19:52.240 --> 00:19:53.759 You ask? Funny? You should ask that, all right? So 277 00:19:56.039 --> 00:20:00.559 think about your marriage. Think about your life with your boyfriend your girlfriend. 278 00:20:00.720 --> 00:20:07.039 Is there constant criticism? Does somebody belittle the other one? What about manipulation 279 00:20:07.319 --> 00:20:17.920 and control or worse intimidation? How about explosive angry outbursts or the kind of 280 00:20:17.960 --> 00:20:19.720 control where they isolate you from your family or friends, like, don't hang 281 00:20:19.759 --> 00:20:23.640 out with that person. I don't like that person? Right? Gaslighting? 282 00:20:23.920 --> 00:20:27.680 You know, gaslighting is where they tell you what actually happened and that didn't 283 00:20:27.720 --> 00:20:33.119 actually happen. So they're trying to make you mistrust your own memories and your 284 00:20:33.160 --> 00:20:37.160 own feelings. Is there a lot of blaming? Is there a lot of 285 00:20:37.279 --> 00:20:45.440 shaming? Or maybe it's just that passive aggressive behavior right withholding affection or attention, 286 00:20:45.039 --> 00:20:51.519 jealousy and possessiveness. None of this have any place in a healthy relationship. 287 00:20:51.960 --> 00:20:56.000 You know, there's some people out there who think that if somebody's jealous, 288 00:20:56.039 --> 00:20:57.599 they must love them that much more. No, no, no, 289 00:20:59.000 --> 00:21:03.160 it just means the person who jealous is really insecure and they're trying to guard 290 00:21:03.279 --> 00:21:06.039 you. May guard you in some way, it doesn't mean they love you 291 00:21:06.119 --> 00:21:08.680 more. This shouldn't be a positive thing, especially if it gets into controlling 292 00:21:08.759 --> 00:21:15.200 who you're hanging out with. Right However, what clinical psychologists and researchers John 293 00:21:15.240 --> 00:21:19.799 and Julie Gotman have figured out. They have studied more than three thousand couples, 294 00:21:19.880 --> 00:21:25.599 some of them they followed for as long as twenty years. They also 295 00:21:25.680 --> 00:21:29.160 studied, over the course of a number of decades, forty thousand couples about 296 00:21:29.160 --> 00:21:33.039 to begin therapy. They're able to do a little tests with them. And 297 00:21:33.079 --> 00:21:41.240 they've come up with three things that make love last, Three things that all 298 00:21:41.440 --> 00:21:45.720 healthy couples do. You ready, we can all learn how to do them. 299 00:21:45.759 --> 00:21:49.799 Remember, relationships are far about more about skill than luck. Number One, 300 00:21:51.440 --> 00:21:56.519 healthy couples make good repair after conflict. So that doesn't mean they have 301 00:21:56.559 --> 00:22:00.680 to rehash and oh hash and whatever. But they don't ignore, they don't 302 00:22:00.839 --> 00:22:03.160 wipe it under the rug. They're able to. It might be just affection. 303 00:22:03.240 --> 00:22:07.200 They might just reach out and be able to touch their partner after conflict. 304 00:22:07.759 --> 00:22:11.160 It might be a comment. It might be a silly little thing like, 305 00:22:11.279 --> 00:22:15.920 Okay, now that we've totally trashed each other, can we have a 306 00:22:15.920 --> 00:22:19.319 piece of pie? And then you both giggle about it. Right, there's 307 00:22:19.359 --> 00:22:26.640 a way to reconnect after an argument that happy couples, healthy couples are able 308 00:22:26.680 --> 00:22:30.480 to do. They're able to not do the silent treatment, not pretend it 309 00:22:30.519 --> 00:22:33.240 didn't happen, not I need a break, I'll come back to you later, 310 00:22:33.559 --> 00:22:37.559 but just you know, a few minutes after the outburst, some kind 311 00:22:37.640 --> 00:22:41.559 of Okay, that was crazy. Still love you, Let's do something fun, 312 00:22:41.960 --> 00:22:47.359 right, all right. The next thing that healthy couples do is they 313 00:22:47.400 --> 00:22:52.920 express lots of positivity compliments all the time. And let me explain why why 314 00:22:52.920 --> 00:22:56.640 it's healthy and why it's good for you. It's not just that it gives 315 00:22:56.680 --> 00:22:59.720 a reward to somebody for the good behavior. If you're catching your partner being 316 00:22:59.720 --> 00:23:02.440 good all the time and you comment on it, then they'll do that more 317 00:23:02.599 --> 00:23:06.799 because they like that. We're pleasure seeking animals, right, But it also 318 00:23:07.079 --> 00:23:11.160 reminds your own brain of why you're there, so catch them being good, 319 00:23:11.559 --> 00:23:17.599 make positive comments all the time. It reminds you why you're there. And 320 00:23:17.680 --> 00:23:22.440 finally, and this is probably the most important, the hardest thing to learn, 321 00:23:22.480 --> 00:23:26.319 if you weren't raised in a family that was able to openly express your 322 00:23:26.319 --> 00:23:33.240 feelings. Happy long term content couples are direct. They don't drop hints. 323 00:23:33.839 --> 00:23:38.799 They don't expect their partner to be a mind reader. They don't communicate with 324 00:23:38.880 --> 00:23:45.720 little breadcrumbs. They never say things like well you should know, right. 325 00:23:45.200 --> 00:23:49.640 They're very direct, not angry, but they're able to say, no, 326 00:23:51.079 --> 00:23:55.359 that doesn't work for me, how about we do this instead, or you 327 00:23:55.400 --> 00:23:57.720 know what I'd really like you to do? Boom boom boom. Right. 328 00:23:59.119 --> 00:24:03.319 They are able to communicate directly. There's no passive, aggressive game playing. 329 00:24:03.799 --> 00:24:08.079 They're just able to be real and authentic, because that's how you have a 330 00:24:08.079 --> 00:24:15.759 happy relationship by getting to be yourself in that relationship. Now, you might 331 00:24:15.880 --> 00:24:19.680 think that being in a healthy, happy relationship means lots of public displays of 332 00:24:19.720 --> 00:24:22.599 affections. Right, The happiest people the ones you see on the street holding 333 00:24:22.640 --> 00:24:30.240 hands. Not necessarily let's talk about PDAs when we come back. You're listening 334 00:24:30.240 --> 00:24:33.599 to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the 335 00:24:33.640 --> 00:24:40.599 iHeartRadio App. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six 336 00:24:40.720 --> 00:24:44.039 forty. Well, that's the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I'm KFI AM six 337 00:24:44.119 --> 00:24:48.039 forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. This is the home stretch of the 338 00:24:48.039 --> 00:24:52.200 Doctor Wendy Walls Show. But I want to remind you that I'm not only 339 00:24:52.240 --> 00:24:55.759 here every Sunday from seven to nine pm Pacific. You can listen to me 340 00:24:55.839 --> 00:24:59.880 anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Also follow me on my social media 341 00:25:00.079 --> 00:25:03.279 at doctor Wendy Walsh, where I talk about everything, yeah, relationships, 342 00:25:03.319 --> 00:25:07.799 but also sometimes I don't know my home remodels, my daily life, I 343 00:25:07.799 --> 00:25:14.440 don't know I'm out there. And also every Wednesday I have wonderful Patreon group 344 00:25:14.519 --> 00:25:18.160 and we talk about all things human behavior, science of relationships, et cetera. 345 00:25:18.960 --> 00:25:22.400 That is patreon dot com slash doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay, let's talk 346 00:25:22.440 --> 00:25:27.119 about public displays of affection. I'm gonna start with a story. One time 347 00:25:27.440 --> 00:25:33.119 I had a d eight years ago and as it was like, I want 348 00:25:33.119 --> 00:25:36.359 to say second date. So it wasn't like a total stranger. It was 349 00:25:36.359 --> 00:25:38.599 like the second time. And after dinner, we were walking across the street 350 00:25:38.599 --> 00:25:42.720 to this bar to have a nightcap, and there were cars coming, so 351 00:25:44.519 --> 00:25:48.720 I reached out, as girls are wont to do when cars are coming and 352 00:25:48.759 --> 00:25:52.880 you're jaywalking together, and I grabbed his hand and we held hands and we 353 00:25:53.000 --> 00:25:56.440 crossed the street. As soon as we got to the other side of the 354 00:25:56.480 --> 00:26:00.480 street, he just dropped my hand like a bag of weed, like a 355 00:26:00.480 --> 00:26:04.400 cop was coming. Just drop my hand. And I was very confused because 356 00:26:04.400 --> 00:26:07.519 I was sure he didn't like me. So we get to the bar, 357 00:26:07.599 --> 00:26:11.640 we're chatting, and you know, I'm direct, so I said to him 358 00:26:11.640 --> 00:26:15.519 at one point, you know, this doesn't really feel like a date. 359 00:26:15.480 --> 00:26:19.440 It feels like a meeting, like a business meeting. I couldn't figure it 360 00:26:19.440 --> 00:26:23.160 out. He had trouble being direct, so it took a long time of 361 00:26:23.160 --> 00:26:29.559 me gently probing to learn that his family of origin nobody did public displays of 362 00:26:29.599 --> 00:26:33.359 affection, nobody used language for emotions. He was just like I was like 363 00:26:33.400 --> 00:26:37.920 an animal in the zoo. He couldn't. He was like amazed at how 364 00:26:37.960 --> 00:26:41.799 I was talking, because it was also shocking for him his culture, his 365 00:26:41.880 --> 00:26:45.200 family of origin, the way he was raised. Anyway, we were not 366 00:26:45.400 --> 00:26:51.319 a good match. Now here's another story. My sweet Julio and I hold 367 00:26:51.319 --> 00:26:55.200 hands one hundred percent of the time. Not that we're trying to like impress 368 00:26:55.240 --> 00:27:00.359 anybody or each other or sending message. I personally think it's it's just the 369 00:27:00.359 --> 00:27:04.160 dopamine that we both crave the touch, so we're always holding hands. What 370 00:27:04.359 --> 00:27:07.839 is a PDA, you ask, A public display of affection. That's any 371 00:27:07.960 --> 00:27:15.319 act of physical intimacy between a couple where it can be seen by other people. 372 00:27:17.920 --> 00:27:21.839 Recently, I was in Paris visiting my daughter, and on the metro, 373 00:27:22.519 --> 00:27:25.720 all the young couples are kissing like mad, like way more than you 374 00:27:25.759 --> 00:27:30.720 were ever seen in America. It was beautiful to see. PDAs might include 375 00:27:30.200 --> 00:27:34.759 holding hands, kissing anywhere, lips, cheek, forehead, not anywhere, 376 00:27:34.799 --> 00:27:37.559 because then it gets into porn, I don't know. But anyway, with 377 00:27:37.680 --> 00:27:42.400 clothes on, hugging, cuddling, touching, stroking, playing with someone's hair, 378 00:27:44.000 --> 00:27:49.519 massaging their shoulders, maybe putting your arm around their waist. Sometimes feeding 379 00:27:49.559 --> 00:27:55.079 them a bite of food is a nice display of affection. Whispering in their 380 00:27:55.200 --> 00:27:57.279 ear, maybe winking at them. Blowing a kiss, whatever it may be. 381 00:27:57.920 --> 00:28:03.079 These are all displays of affection. And you would think that if you 382 00:28:03.200 --> 00:28:06.839 see this in a couple that well, they must be really in love. 383 00:28:07.400 --> 00:28:10.960 Well, they've done research on this. Of course, they see people doing 384 00:28:11.039 --> 00:28:15.640 PDAs, they have psychology students run up ask them questions about their relationship. 385 00:28:15.920 --> 00:28:19.799 And here's what the research says. A lot of the time they're in the 386 00:28:19.880 --> 00:28:25.200 early stage of their relationship, so they're so excited to be together. It's 387 00:28:25.240 --> 00:28:30.119 about the early cocktail of neural hormones, and so the PDAs are all about 388 00:28:30.480 --> 00:28:36.400 the excitement. Sometimes they're in a very that's Julio and I. They're a 389 00:28:36.599 --> 00:28:41.799 very in a secure relationship, so it's just sort of it's something thoughtless and 390 00:28:41.880 --> 00:28:45.400 natural, just a way they would be. But see, I knew, 391 00:28:45.640 --> 00:28:48.559 you knew there's about coming up. For many people, they're actually in an 392 00:28:48.640 --> 00:28:55.799 insecure relationship. It's complete opposite. So they're overcompensating for their feelings of insecurity 393 00:28:55.839 --> 00:29:00.240 because they're trying to let everybody else is looking know that they're being on their 394 00:29:00.279 --> 00:29:03.799 fire hydrogen. They're marking their territory this person is there because they're not sure 395 00:29:03.880 --> 00:29:07.920 that that person is theirs. They're really not sure. And then there are 396 00:29:07.920 --> 00:29:17.599 people who have these really intense I might even call it ennameshed relationships, the 397 00:29:17.680 --> 00:29:21.599 kind where nobody can remember whose problem is who's They're in a bubble, they're 398 00:29:21.640 --> 00:29:25.839 in a cocoon. The rest of the world don't matter. They have tunnel 399 00:29:25.920 --> 00:29:30.039 vision and they have this intense pull towards each other. This sometimes happens at 400 00:29:30.039 --> 00:29:33.880 the beginning of relationships, but it should settle down. If you stay in 401 00:29:33.920 --> 00:29:38.759 that place too long, that could be a problem because nobody can remember whose 402 00:29:38.799 --> 00:29:44.440 problem is who's right. Then there are people like the guy who drop my 403 00:29:44.480 --> 00:29:48.519 hand and the sidewalk after we cross the street who have feelings of shame. 404 00:29:48.680 --> 00:29:52.279 Right, So, just because there's no PDAs doesn't mean everything's all bad. 405 00:29:52.319 --> 00:29:57.000 Some people are introverted, some people are shy. Some people just prefer to 406 00:29:57.079 --> 00:30:00.519 keep their private life per You know what I thought, But that date, 407 00:30:00.599 --> 00:30:03.240 right, I was just like, he's got to have a wife somewhere. 408 00:30:03.519 --> 00:30:07.319 That's what this is about. He's not actually single, right, but you 409 00:30:07.359 --> 00:30:08.720 know, when we got into it, it was about his culture and his 410 00:30:08.720 --> 00:30:14.519 family of origin. Sometimes people don't have PDAs because they feel it's just too 411 00:30:14.519 --> 00:30:18.160 early, right, they've just they don't know the person well enough it feels 412 00:30:18.200 --> 00:30:22.240 weird right, Or sometimes they've been together a really long time and they're just 413 00:30:22.319 --> 00:30:26.880 so secure that they don't need to be lovey dovey all the time. So 414 00:30:26.960 --> 00:30:32.759 don't assume anything when you see a public display of affection. But it is 415 00:30:32.880 --> 00:30:37.440 nice. It's very nice to get that dopamine. And you know what, 416 00:30:37.240 --> 00:30:41.640 I'm gonna go get my dopamine very soon because I'm sure Julio's down warming up 417 00:30:41.680 --> 00:30:47.240 the car. It's so wonderful to be with you every Sunday night from seven 418 00:30:47.279 --> 00:30:49.160 to nine pm. You can always follow me on my social media. If 419 00:30:49.200 --> 00:30:52.799 you miss any part of the show because you were busy with the oscars or 420 00:30:52.799 --> 00:30:56.319 whatever, just download it. It's all there on the iHeartRadio app. You 421 00:30:56.319 --> 00:30:59.799 can always listen to Doctor Wendy on demand. It's always my pleasure to be 422 00:30:59.839 --> 00:31:03.599 with you. You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM 423 00:31:03.640 --> 00:31:10.359 six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy 424 00:31:10.400 --> 00:31:12.720 Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven 425 00:31:12.799 --> 00:31:18.359 to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.