Welcome to Round four of the Parenting Roundabout podcast for the week of April twenty
fourth. I'm Terry Morrow and I'm with with Nicole Eridicts Hello and Katherine hell
Echo Hello. As moms of teens and young adults, we've survived those little
kid days, yet we're still rethinking the decisions we've made all through our kids'
lives and worrying about what's going on right now. Today's Thursday, which means
it's time to give into our obsessing. And today we're obsessing about how adult
kids might be doing better than their parents think they are. Oh, how
I hope that is true. Who found this article, Katherine? So you
saw this and you thought this is true. We should share this, We
should let everybody know they should be So what's it about? Convinced me?
Well, well, you know, parents, we have many worries. One
of them is, you know, are there adult children, you know,
are they at where they should be at for their age? Right? Like
I think it's the whole idea, what's developmentally appropriate? You know, we
don't have those developmental milestones for adults right right, right, and so we
don't have anything. It probably is because society will definitely keep them in check
in and so um so anyway, because these milestones are not there. Uh,
it's you know, we might worry that our kids are failing to launch
like and also were not moving out because we compare it to our own.
Yes, adulthood and childhood, right, I think is also part of it,
right Yeah, so definitely, you know, but apparently our concerns are
largely unfounded, are they really? According to a professor of psychology and neuroscience
at Temple University, excellent, So has he been watching us? Has he
been picking in the windows of our home to see? So? He says,
rather than worry, you should be respecting their independence, keeping your opinions
to yourself, embracing collaboration. They keep getting that point, don't they.
They really want you to shut up off my daughter study. I have a
lot of those worries about I do. Honestly. Maybe it's just my anxiety,
but I'm like, Okay, when I was twenty three, I was
engaged and getting ready to buy a home, and which is like pretty unrealistic
these days. So I need to stop that. Yeah, yeah, this
this article says that I don't I don't know exactly how they're defining the timing
and the generations. But that you know it, you know, perhaps our
generation, Um, it took like eight years for a young adult to be
launched in terms of like out of the house, in living on their own
whatever. Um, and now it's thirteen years. So that's that's the sort
of like, don't don't compare the thirteen year milestone too to the eight year
one. Yeah, and that's where people are struggling. So everybody else,
everybody else's kid is doing bad too, So don't worry about. Right,
that does seem to be the point that all depends on on. I mean,
there's certainly certain personality things there too, right. I mean I couldn't
get out of the house fast enough and I left and came back and left
again. And but I can't compare my children to that because I mean,
my husband we talked yesterday, was just fine living at home until I got
married, and I know other people who did as well. I had friends
who lived with their parents until, you know, for for many many years.
So it's not they're my kids are very different than me, right,
They're not wanting to move on. So it's it's not just kids today exclusively
it's personality too. I'm sure there's kids today who want to get out of
the house too, So you can't compare your kid to that kid if it's
a different kid. I don't know, I'm rambling, but yeah, I
mean it's nice to know that not to worry. That's nice. I hear
that alone. Yeah, that's always a good thing. Yeah. I mean,
I'm thinking about this a little bit in terms of my son going away
to college next year, and I need to like resist comparing him to his
sister because she's, like, it's always been very independent and like responsible,
and and she's lived she only lived in a dorm for one year and then
after that she's been in an off campus townhouse and so she has to like,
you know, go to the grocery store and they have to clean and
you know, all that kind of stuff. And where my son is going
to school, it will be probably a dorm, like a very traditional dorm
setting for the whole time. Yeah, And I find myself going, like,
wait a minute, then he's not going to learn, you know,
how to how to live up on his own, Like okay, so he'll
learn it when he's twenty two instead of when he's nineteen like whatever, get
over yourself, like right, So, but yeah, it's difficult to not
make those comparisons, right right, Um, Yeah, it's just a very
it's a very different school. But also hey, he's a very different kid,
right right. Yeah. It's interesting because I my kids are. They're
a mixed bag kind of. You know, one is fur their head than
I was at when I was their age, the other one in one area,
and then the other one is further out in another area. It's so
hard to figure out and was that even the right thing? Like I think
ut my own path and looking back, yeah, I would have done things
a lot differently. I wouldn't have made some of those big decisions yeah we
were making at that age. Yeah, but then I think too, like
life kind of just propels you forward, even though you may not want to
be making that milestone either. Yeah. Yeah, I mean that's true.
Well definitely. I mean one of my son's classmates just became a dad,
So that changes things real quickly, you know, where his college plans changed
his Yeah, the baby's mothers you know, changed and it all happened very
quickly. Yeah, so yeah, that will do it. We'll do it.
It's one of those different sort of adventure m h. Absolutely, yeah.
Speaking of the prom there were prom pictures with the baby. Yes,
she looked very cute. Yes, So embrace collaboration, it's the advice of
the esteemed professor. And keep opinions to yourself for the Well, that's not
gonna tell us how that goes. If we're going to keep our opinions to
ourselves, which we're not, but if we did, the kids have to
keep their opinions to their selves. Right did they get to not comment on
things that we do because because I dare them, you know, So it's
you know, it's respect your elders. Is that kind of human being?
We have opinions. We don't stop being human beings when we become parents.
And it's like, well now now squelch everything that is your natural impression to
do, because exactly, you know, we get to have agative man.
I know, we need some content that just um confirms you know the fact
that we're people too, and maybe what we need is to have a respectful
exchange of opinions. You can give your opinion, you can listen to your
child's response to that opinion, and you cannot be shouting and screaming at each
other, and you cannot be huffing off into the other room. I don't
know that people do that, and crying, I don't know. But you
can just have a discussion, have an embrace, collaboration, you know,
Collaboration involves something from both sides. Yeah. Um, well, but you
know, respecting their independence. That's a difficult one for me because I don't
see a lot of independence, right. I would have you respect it if
it's not necessarily there. Yeah, it's not a priority. I don't think.
In fact, it is a scary word to my kids to some degree,
you know, because they they associate it with mom putting a boot in
their button, kicking them out of the house and then they have to fend
for themselves in the cold, cold world. It's like, well, no,
no, no, no, that's not what we mean. But I
try to foster it where I see it. But also I've always talked with
my kids about I want them to do anything they want to do with a
very sturdy safety net underneath. Right. That is, my job is to
be the the circus employee whose job it is to get under the trapeze artist
at the right time. Right, So well, and I think, can
we pick and choose what we m what kind of independence we foster, because
I think they did. Doctor would say, no, that is not your
business. I totally can't. I say it's fine. Yeah, expert Terry
Morrow, Terry Mow, author of two books to rewrite, there you go.
I think that places you in the expert as everybody else, we're all
full of bleep. But yeah, these are not such new conversations for us
to have. What independence would you pick and choose? Nicole, Well,
I I am not. I am not letting go of being, you know,
in the middle of one of my children's money management. Yeah, that's
a tough thing. And what, as I mentioned, we've done with also,
and I just I just do my son's money because he's not interested in
that. So, you know, but training wheels. In addition to the
news, there need to be were scaffolding. But like, well, you're
eighteen, I hope you know how to cook, clean, wash, manage
your money, get a job, you know all that stuff. So long
have fun out in the big wide world right home. Every now and then
you gotta you gotta watch it. You gotta maintain some level of supervision.
But to me at that age, forget it. There's some kids who can
just go fly and you know, even if they have problems, they resolve
them. And there's some kids who just crash, and you don't want to
be the person that everybody says, why didn't their parents help you? Why
didn't Where were the parents? So? Right? Yeah, this is what
we worry about. New York Times Do you care? Just given the back
off mom advice, will you be there with a net? We will write
on in the training wheels lost whose parents abandoned them before they're ready? Sunday
Times magazine abandoned adult children. Yes, all they wanted was love and support
from their parents, and their parents said, you're too old for that.
Their parents tragically kept their opinions to themselves, tragically did not collaborate with their
children. Yes, oh dear, okay, this is coused to the parents.
Can't win category for me? Yeah right, but I mean, all
things being equal and positive, this is good advice, but you know you're
mileage. But when are things ever eat? They're not. Nothing is cut
and dry, nothing's easy, nothing is black and white. Yeah, sure
will be sure fun to imagine, maybe perfect world. I'm sure we're going
to be talking about this topic so much more. Yes, as our children
continue to age while we while we don't all we don't. If we remain
active in their lives and tell them what to do, they will continue to
age. If not, if we abandon them, who knows. So this
is what this is what keeps us awake at night in New York times.
But we should stops right now. Yeah, Yes, and that's oct today's
Round four. Tune in tomorrow and we'll share our roundabout round up of things
we've been using or enjoying lately that we think deserve a shoutout. Find all
our episodes at parenting roundabout dot com and talk back in the comments there,
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