WEBVTT

1
00:00:03.160 --> 00:00:07.120
Welcome to Round four of the Parenting
Roundabout podcast for the week of April twenty

2
00:00:07.120 --> 00:00:11.720
fourth. I'm Terry Morrow and I'm
with with Nicole Eridicts Hello and Katherine hell

3
00:00:11.720 --> 00:00:16.079
Echo Hello. As moms of teens
and young adults, we've survived those little

4
00:00:16.120 --> 00:00:19.600
kid days, yet we're still rethinking
the decisions we've made all through our kids'

5
00:00:19.640 --> 00:00:23.800
lives and worrying about what's going on
right now. Today's Thursday, which means

6
00:00:23.839 --> 00:00:28.399
it's time to give into our obsessing. And today we're obsessing about how adult

7
00:00:28.480 --> 00:00:33.320
kids might be doing better than their
parents think they are. Oh, how

8
00:00:33.359 --> 00:00:42.799
I hope that is true. Who
found this article, Katherine? So you

9
00:00:42.880 --> 00:00:46.920
saw this and you thought this is
true. We should share this, We

10
00:00:46.960 --> 00:00:55.479
should let everybody know they should be
So what's it about? Convinced me?

11
00:00:55.640 --> 00:01:03.520
Well, well, you know,
parents, we have many worries. One

12
00:01:03.560 --> 00:01:07.879
of them is, you know,
are there adult children, you know,

13
00:01:07.959 --> 00:01:11.879
are they at where they should be
at for their age? Right? Like

14
00:01:11.359 --> 00:01:19.480
I think it's the whole idea,
what's developmentally appropriate? You know, we

15
00:01:19.560 --> 00:01:25.359
don't have those developmental milestones for adults
right right, right, and so we

16
00:01:25.400 --> 00:01:33.159
don't have anything. It probably is
because society will definitely keep them in check

17
00:01:34.680 --> 00:01:41.760
in and so um so anyway,
because these milestones are not there. Uh,

18
00:01:42.480 --> 00:01:45.280
it's you know, we might worry
that our kids are failing to launch

19
00:01:45.439 --> 00:01:49.840
like and also were not moving out
because we compare it to our own.

20
00:01:51.840 --> 00:01:56.439
Yes, adulthood and childhood, right, I think is also part of it,

21
00:01:57.239 --> 00:02:00.719
right Yeah, so definitely, you
know, but apparently our concerns are

22
00:02:00.799 --> 00:02:07.239
largely unfounded, are they really?
According to a professor of psychology and neuroscience

23
00:02:07.280 --> 00:02:10.120
at Temple University, excellent, So
has he been watching us? Has he

24
00:02:10.159 --> 00:02:15.479
been picking in the windows of our
home to see? So? He says,

25
00:02:15.599 --> 00:02:20.319
rather than worry, you should be
respecting their independence, keeping your opinions

26
00:02:20.360 --> 00:02:24.080
to yourself, embracing collaboration. They
keep getting that point, don't they.

27
00:02:24.199 --> 00:02:35.879
They really want you to shut up
off my daughter study. I have a

28
00:02:35.919 --> 00:02:39.680
lot of those worries about I do. Honestly. Maybe it's just my anxiety,

29
00:02:39.759 --> 00:02:44.560
but I'm like, Okay, when
I was twenty three, I was

30
00:02:46.560 --> 00:02:53.520
engaged and getting ready to buy a
home, and which is like pretty unrealistic

31
00:02:53.560 --> 00:03:00.680
these days. So I need to
stop that. Yeah, yeah, this

32
00:03:00.680 --> 00:03:06.879
this article says that I don't I
don't know exactly how they're defining the timing

33
00:03:06.919 --> 00:03:10.599
and the generations. But that you
know it, you know, perhaps our

34
00:03:10.680 --> 00:03:17.680
generation, Um, it took like
eight years for a young adult to be

35
00:03:17.879 --> 00:03:23.400
launched in terms of like out of
the house, in living on their own

36
00:03:23.560 --> 00:03:31.719
whatever. Um, and now it's
thirteen years. So that's that's the sort

37
00:03:31.759 --> 00:03:38.719
of like, don't don't compare the
thirteen year milestone too to the eight year

38
00:03:38.800 --> 00:03:44.400
one. Yeah, and that's where
people are struggling. So everybody else,

39
00:03:44.439 --> 00:03:46.840
everybody else's kid is doing bad too, So don't worry about. Right,

40
00:03:49.919 --> 00:03:54.639
that does seem to be the point
that all depends on on. I mean,

41
00:03:54.680 --> 00:03:59.960
there's certainly certain personality things there too, right. I mean I couldn't

42
00:04:00.120 --> 00:04:02.280
get out of the house fast enough
and I left and came back and left

43
00:04:02.280 --> 00:04:08.800
again. And but I can't compare
my children to that because I mean,

44
00:04:08.840 --> 00:04:13.000
my husband we talked yesterday, was
just fine living at home until I got

45
00:04:13.080 --> 00:04:16.199
married, and I know other people
who did as well. I had friends

46
00:04:16.240 --> 00:04:20.160
who lived with their parents until,
you know, for for many many years.

47
00:04:20.680 --> 00:04:27.399
So it's not they're my kids are
very different than me, right,

48
00:04:27.680 --> 00:04:35.720
They're not wanting to move on.
So it's it's not just kids today exclusively

49
00:04:35.839 --> 00:04:42.600
it's personality too. I'm sure there's
kids today who want to get out of

50
00:04:42.639 --> 00:04:47.040
the house too, So you can't
compare your kid to that kid if it's

51
00:04:47.040 --> 00:04:49.839
a different kid. I don't know, I'm rambling, but yeah, I

52
00:04:49.839 --> 00:04:55.000
mean it's nice to know that not
to worry. That's nice. I hear

53
00:04:55.000 --> 00:05:00.720
that alone. Yeah, that's always
a good thing. Yeah. I mean,

54
00:05:00.839 --> 00:05:05.560
I'm thinking about this a little bit
in terms of my son going away

55
00:05:05.600 --> 00:05:12.879
to college next year, and I
need to like resist comparing him to his

56
00:05:12.959 --> 00:05:19.600
sister because she's, like, it's
always been very independent and like responsible,

57
00:05:19.759 --> 00:05:28.120
and and she's lived she only lived
in a dorm for one year and then

58
00:05:28.199 --> 00:05:34.160
after that she's been in an off
campus townhouse and so she has to like,

59
00:05:34.759 --> 00:05:39.560
you know, go to the grocery
store and they have to clean and

60
00:05:39.759 --> 00:05:44.360
you know, all that kind of
stuff. And where my son is going

61
00:05:44.399 --> 00:05:49.319
to school, it will be probably
a dorm, like a very traditional dorm

62
00:05:49.399 --> 00:05:55.480
setting for the whole time. Yeah, And I find myself going, like,

63
00:05:55.600 --> 00:05:58.839
wait a minute, then he's not
going to learn, you know,

64
00:05:59.040 --> 00:06:02.040
how to how to live up on
his own, Like okay, so he'll

65
00:06:02.120 --> 00:06:09.439
learn it when he's twenty two instead
of when he's nineteen like whatever, get

66
00:06:09.480 --> 00:06:17.720
over yourself, like right, So, but yeah, it's difficult to not

67
00:06:18.360 --> 00:06:26.680
make those comparisons, right right,
Um, Yeah, it's just a very

68
00:06:26.720 --> 00:06:30.240
it's a very different school. But
also hey, he's a very different kid,

69
00:06:30.480 --> 00:06:41.360
right right. Yeah. It's interesting
because I my kids are. They're

70
00:06:41.360 --> 00:06:46.600
a mixed bag kind of. You
know, one is fur their head than

71
00:06:46.879 --> 00:06:50.519
I was at when I was their
age, the other one in one area,

72
00:06:50.759 --> 00:06:56.560
and then the other one is further
out in another area. It's so

73
00:06:56.600 --> 00:06:59.839
hard to figure out and was that
even the right thing? Like I think

74
00:07:00.120 --> 00:07:04.399
ut my own path and looking back, yeah, I would have done things

75
00:07:04.439 --> 00:07:11.959
a lot differently. I wouldn't have
made some of those big decisions yeah we

76
00:07:11.959 --> 00:07:15.480
were making at that age. Yeah, but then I think too, like

77
00:07:15.600 --> 00:07:19.959
life kind of just propels you forward, even though you may not want to

78
00:07:20.000 --> 00:07:25.639
be making that milestone either. Yeah. Yeah, I mean that's true.

79
00:07:26.199 --> 00:07:31.920
Well definitely. I mean one of
my son's classmates just became a dad,

80
00:07:32.199 --> 00:07:43.000
So that changes things real quickly,
you know, where his college plans changed

81
00:07:43.240 --> 00:07:50.680
his Yeah, the baby's mothers you
know, changed and it all happened very

82
00:07:50.759 --> 00:07:59.319
quickly. Yeah, so yeah,
that will do it. We'll do it.

83
00:07:59.319 --> 00:08:05.800
It's one of those different sort of
adventure m h. Absolutely, yeah.

84
00:08:05.680 --> 00:08:11.759
Speaking of the prom there were prom
pictures with the baby. Yes,

85
00:08:13.040 --> 00:08:22.560
she looked very cute. Yes,
So embrace collaboration, it's the advice of

86
00:08:22.040 --> 00:08:28.839
the esteemed professor. And keep opinions
to yourself for the Well, that's not

87
00:08:28.879 --> 00:08:35.360
gonna tell us how that goes.
If we're going to keep our opinions to

88
00:08:35.399 --> 00:08:39.559
ourselves, which we're not, but
if we did, the kids have to

89
00:08:39.639 --> 00:08:43.360
keep their opinions to their selves.
Right did they get to not comment on

90
00:08:43.440 --> 00:08:50.320
things that we do because because I
dare them, you know, So it's

91
00:08:50.600 --> 00:08:54.879
you know, it's respect your elders. Is that kind of human being?

92
00:08:56.159 --> 00:08:58.879
We have opinions. We don't stop
being human beings when we become parents.

93
00:09:00.000 --> 00:09:05.519
And it's like, well now now
squelch everything that is your natural impression to

94
00:09:05.519 --> 00:09:11.399
do, because exactly, you know, we get to have agative man.

95
00:09:11.720 --> 00:09:18.759
I know, we need some content
that just um confirms you know the fact

96
00:09:18.799 --> 00:09:26.120
that we're people too, and maybe
what we need is to have a respectful

97
00:09:26.240 --> 00:09:31.440
exchange of opinions. You can give
your opinion, you can listen to your

98
00:09:31.600 --> 00:09:35.440
child's response to that opinion, and
you cannot be shouting and screaming at each

99
00:09:35.440 --> 00:09:37.039
other, and you cannot be huffing
off into the other room. I don't

100
00:09:37.039 --> 00:09:41.879
know that people do that, and
crying, I don't know. But you

101
00:09:41.879 --> 00:09:45.919
can just have a discussion, have
an embrace, collaboration, you know,

102
00:09:46.039 --> 00:09:52.279
Collaboration involves something from both sides.
Yeah. Um, well, but you

103
00:09:52.320 --> 00:09:58.279
know, respecting their independence. That's
a difficult one for me because I don't

104
00:09:58.320 --> 00:10:03.559
see a lot of independence, right. I would have you respect it if

105
00:10:03.600 --> 00:10:07.360
it's not necessarily there. Yeah,
it's not a priority. I don't think.

106
00:10:07.399 --> 00:10:11.759
In fact, it is a scary
word to my kids to some degree,

107
00:10:13.480 --> 00:10:16.159
you know, because they they associate
it with mom putting a boot in

108
00:10:16.159 --> 00:10:18.519
their button, kicking them out of
the house and then they have to fend

109
00:10:18.559 --> 00:10:22.080
for themselves in the cold, cold
world. It's like, well, no,

110
00:10:22.080 --> 00:10:26.279
no, no, no, that's
not what we mean. But I

111
00:10:26.360 --> 00:10:31.879
try to foster it where I see
it. But also I've always talked with

112
00:10:31.879 --> 00:10:35.360
my kids about I want them to
do anything they want to do with a

113
00:10:35.480 --> 00:10:41.080
very sturdy safety net underneath. Right. That is, my job is to

114
00:10:41.120 --> 00:10:46.639
be the the circus employee whose job
it is to get under the trapeze artist

115
00:10:46.720 --> 00:10:52.919
at the right time. Right,
So well, and I think, can

116
00:10:52.960 --> 00:10:58.559
we pick and choose what we m
what kind of independence we foster, because

117
00:10:58.399 --> 00:11:01.279
I think they did. Doctor would
say, no, that is not your

118
00:11:01.360 --> 00:11:09.559
business. I totally can't. I
say it's fine. Yeah, expert Terry

119
00:11:09.600 --> 00:11:16.799
Morrow, Terry Mow, author of
two books to rewrite, there you go.

120
00:11:18.559 --> 00:11:24.639
I think that places you in the
expert as everybody else, we're all

121
00:11:24.639 --> 00:11:31.840
full of bleep. But yeah,
these are not such new conversations for us

122
00:11:31.879 --> 00:11:35.879
to have. What independence would you
pick and choose? Nicole, Well,

123
00:11:37.000 --> 00:11:43.360
I I am not. I am
not letting go of being, you know,

124
00:11:43.720 --> 00:11:48.559
in the middle of one of my
children's money management. Yeah, that's

125
00:11:48.600 --> 00:11:52.320
a tough thing. And what,
as I mentioned, we've done with also,

126
00:11:54.279 --> 00:11:58.240
and I just I just do my
son's money because he's not interested in

127
00:11:58.279 --> 00:12:05.039
that. So, you know,
but training wheels. In addition to the

128
00:12:05.159 --> 00:12:09.720
news, there need to be were
scaffolding. But like, well, you're

129
00:12:09.759 --> 00:12:13.279
eighteen, I hope you know how
to cook, clean, wash, manage

130
00:12:13.320 --> 00:12:20.159
your money, get a job,
you know all that stuff. So long

131
00:12:20.279 --> 00:12:24.039
have fun out in the big wide
world right home. Every now and then

132
00:12:24.679 --> 00:12:31.240
you gotta you gotta watch it.
You gotta maintain some level of supervision.

133
00:12:31.480 --> 00:12:37.080
But to me at that age,
forget it. There's some kids who can

134
00:12:37.159 --> 00:12:41.639
just go fly and you know,
even if they have problems, they resolve

135
00:12:41.679 --> 00:12:46.279
them. And there's some kids who
just crash, and you don't want to

136
00:12:46.279 --> 00:12:50.679
be the person that everybody says,
why didn't their parents help you? Why

137
00:12:50.720 --> 00:12:56.279
didn't Where were the parents? So? Right? Yeah, this is what

138
00:12:56.320 --> 00:13:01.919
we worry about. New York Times
Do you care? Just given the back

139
00:13:01.000 --> 00:13:07.799
off mom advice, will you be
there with a net? We will write

140
00:13:07.799 --> 00:13:15.840
on in the training wheels lost whose
parents abandoned them before they're ready? Sunday

141
00:13:15.879 --> 00:13:22.759
Times magazine abandoned adult children. Yes, all they wanted was love and support

142
00:13:22.799 --> 00:13:26.960
from their parents, and their parents
said, you're too old for that.

143
00:13:26.080 --> 00:13:33.519
Their parents tragically kept their opinions to
themselves, tragically did not collaborate with their

144
00:13:33.600 --> 00:13:39.879
children. Yes, oh dear,
okay, this is coused to the parents.

145
00:13:39.919 --> 00:13:46.080
Can't win category for me? Yeah
right, but I mean, all

146
00:13:46.200 --> 00:13:52.200
things being equal and positive, this
is good advice, but you know you're

147
00:13:52.279 --> 00:13:58.200
mileage. But when are things ever
eat? They're not. Nothing is cut

148
00:13:58.320 --> 00:14:05.639
and dry, nothing's easy, nothing
is black and white. Yeah, sure

149
00:14:05.720 --> 00:14:13.039
will be sure fun to imagine,
maybe perfect world. I'm sure we're going

150
00:14:13.080 --> 00:14:16.960
to be talking about this topic so
much more. Yes, as our children

151
00:14:16.000 --> 00:14:24.440
continue to age while we while we
don't all we don't. If we remain

152
00:14:24.519 --> 00:14:26.159
active in their lives and tell them
what to do, they will continue to

153
00:14:26.200 --> 00:14:31.000
age. If not, if we
abandon them, who knows. So this

154
00:14:31.039 --> 00:14:33.519
is what this is what keeps us
awake at night in New York times.

155
00:14:35.480 --> 00:14:39.919
But we should stops right now.
Yeah, Yes, and that's oct today's

156
00:14:41.000 --> 00:14:43.039
Round four. Tune in tomorrow and
we'll share our roundabout round up of things

157
00:14:43.039 --> 00:14:48.200
we've been using or enjoying lately that
we think deserve a shoutout. Find all

158
00:14:48.240 --> 00:14:50.960
our episodes at parenting roundabout dot com
and talk back in the comments there,

159
00:14:52.080 --> 00:14:54.639
on our Facebook page or on Twitter, where you will find this a round About check