WEBVTT 1 00:00:02.120 --> 00:00:19.760 Comedy Central Podcast Hi Hi Hostia. You applaud me as if you knew me 2 00:00:19.800 --> 00:00:22.440 or something and in fact you don' t know many people. This is 3 00:00:22.559 --> 00:00:27.239 the first thing I record in Comedy Central as a stand- up and I 4 00:00:27.280 --> 00:00:32.520 ' ve been performing in Palma de Mallorca for about five years and from time 5 00:00:32.600 --> 00:00:37.399 to time they call me from a local newspaper, always the same to always 6 00:00:37.399 --> 00:00:41.359 do the same interview. Every six months you see that you stay a blank 7 00:00:41.439 --> 00:00:46.359 page and pull the agenda and they come up to the Greek and that I 8 00:00:48.320 --> 00:00:52.799 am they reach to the fucking gre don' t wait, wait and I 9 00:00:52.840 --> 00:00:57.560 realized that they are not interviews to an emerging comedian, but they are interviews 10 00:00:57.600 --> 00:01:07.959 to a Moor who does something already is a Moor who does something we are 11 00:01:08.000 --> 00:01:12.079 going to call him and tell us what you do and in fact, even 12 00:01:12.159 --> 00:01:19.439 the nuance is different because it is interviews to a Moor who does something good, 13 00:01:19.719 --> 00:01:19.959 you know and fuck that up. He' s fucking with me, 14 00:01:21.640 --> 00:01:23.359 man, he' s fucking with me. And once they asked me yunez 15 00:01:23.840 --> 00:01:38.439 you, what do you think of terrorism. I mean, maybe my answer 16 00:01:38.519 --> 00:01:41.680 will get to you as I tell you, no, because you might. 17 00:01:42.599 --> 00:01:44.400 You expect me to tell you, because I think it' s wrong. 18 00:01:44.480 --> 00:01:48.599 No, but because those things don' t ask, man, you, 19 00:01:48.879 --> 00:01:51.120 what do you think of terrorism? Imagine what I' m saying, well, 20 00:01:52.200 --> 00:01:53.959 look, I was so clear about it so far, but your question 21 00:01:55.000 --> 00:01:59.040 has clicked on my head. Your question clicked, Uncle, and now for 22 00:01:59.040 --> 00:02:01.879 your thing like that. And if he ever told you, then look, 23 00:02:01.879 --> 00:02:14.840 I think that neither terrorism nor pacifism know how to roll, roll an intermediate 24 00:02:14.840 --> 00:02:19.240 point. Terrorism is wrong, but pacifism. Uncle man, neither one thing 25 00:02:19.280 --> 00:02:25.000 nor the other didn' t hit last year or last year' s favorite 26 00:02:25.039 --> 00:02:30.240 Twitter moment. Well, you know that from time to time someone tweets saying 27 00:02:30.280 --> 00:02:35.240 I' ve finally overcome an illness or I' ve finally found a job. 28 00:02:35.879 --> 00:02:38.039 And like, since it' s a social network with a lot of 29 00:02:38.159 --> 00:02:43.199 hate, that' s like a lot of love all of a sudden and 30 00:02:43.280 --> 00:02:46.080 everybody turns cool. I' m happy for you, even if I don 31 00:02:46.199 --> 00:02:51.319 ' t know you, I love you so much as my favorite moment last 32 00:02:51.400 --> 00:02:54.240 year was a kid who uploads a video, walking like that in rehab, 33 00:02:54.240 --> 00:02:59.360 learning to walk and writing. I had a brain tumor. I was in 34 00:02:59.400 --> 00:03:01.919 a coma for 12 months. The doctors said he wouldn' t survive and 35 00:03:01.960 --> 00:03:07.080 if he did, he' d never walk again. And here I am 36 00:03:07.080 --> 00:03:13.639 walking. Thank you very much to Itana. Your music helped me. It 37 00:03:13.759 --> 00:03:15.919 ' s nice, not because your Italian music helped a guy in rehab, 38 00:03:16.680 --> 00:03:23.039 because this phone got into his head. All that and fuck the pretty one 39 00:03:23.159 --> 00:03:27.840 because it went well. And sixteen thousand re twits, sixteen thousand people like 40 00:03:27.919 --> 00:03:32.400 that. You' re a hero example to follow. That' s how 41 00:03:32.400 --> 00:03:36.199 we want millions of comments. You' re a fucking master is crack. 42 00:03:36.280 --> 00:03:38.919 I don' t know what. Suddenly, an aunt shares a screenshot saying 43 00:03:38.000 --> 00:03:43.879 uh, this guy harassed me for instagram and suddenly another aunt, uh, 44 00:03:44.159 --> 00:03:47.319 harassed me too. This guy' s me, too. And the uncle 45 00:03:47.360 --> 00:03:53.280 his only fourth was not me. I was in a coma. I was 46 00:03:53.400 --> 00:03:59.199 in a coma and suddenly a lot of people start going down on their Twitter 47 00:03:59.280 --> 00:04:01.439 and they start watching fuck. He' s got a lot of super- 48 00:04:01.439 --> 00:04:05.319 machista tweets. I' m super racist this guy in the shit and like 49 00:04:05.360 --> 00:04:10.759 sixteen thousand retuitches in your favor are against you and the guy' s like 50 00:04:10.840 --> 00:04:15.800 the tsunami of the impossible coming on him collecting his old twists so that no 51 00:04:15.840 --> 00:04:19.519 one sees them. And just like people you' re shit, you' 52 00:04:19.639 --> 00:04:25.519 re gonna mulberry, you go back to the hospital. People a guy and 53 00:04:25.560 --> 00:04:30.240 he says I' ve never removed a like that fast. Suddenly, Aitana, 54 00:04:32.120 --> 00:04:41.040 who only sees the first tweet of all, who is beautiful and who 55 00:04:41.120 --> 00:04:46.680 hasn' t lifted a carpet that is full of shit, gives the retweet 56 00:04:46.839 --> 00:04:57.519 of the year to that and comments oh how pretty and people don' t 57 00:04:58.519 --> 00:05:05.439 ha. There it is complicated, it complicates UFFF that what I think of 58 00:05:05.439 --> 00:05:09.000 this, since the author has to be separated from the patient. In these 59 00:05:09.040 --> 00:05:13.319 cases it is necessary to know how to separate the perpetrator from the patient. 60 00:05:15.319 --> 00:05:18.759 Ufff Hostia. That' s my favorite Twitter moment last year, my favorite 61 00:05:18.800 --> 00:05:23.839 moment from a few years ago in real life was that I went to my 62 00:05:23.879 --> 00:05:27.560 grandparents' camp, which is in northern Morocco. And whenever I go, 63 00:05:28.639 --> 00:05:30.600 like I leave every two years, or that and I always find new cousins 64 00:05:30.680 --> 00:05:35.439 that I didn' t know and that I don' t want to love 65 00:05:35.480 --> 00:05:40.480 them either, because it' s like an emotional attachment of people from another 66 00:05:40.519 --> 00:05:46.439 culture that in the end clashes with me, because I' m western, 67 00:05:46.639 --> 00:05:50.920 you know, and these people that I see, see, I' m 68 00:05:50.959 --> 00:05:55.800 western, my grandparents, no, my parents are there and I' m 69 00:05:55.839 --> 00:05:58.600 already there and I' ve already assimilated that I' m not going to 70 00:05:58.600 --> 00:05:59.639 have an emotional attachment to people that are my cousins. But I don' 71 00:06:00.199 --> 00:06:04.240 t do it, but about two years ago I met a cousin who was 72 00:06:04.240 --> 00:06:08.839 a charmer, that is, she stole my heart and we were, like, 73 00:06:09.160 --> 00:06:13.160 three months playing at Plan Guau, like she felt like a cousin' 74 00:06:13.160 --> 00:06:15.160 s sister' s love to fuck. I feel an emotional attachment. I 75 00:06:15.160 --> 00:06:19.240 like her so much, and after summer my grandmother comes to me and she 76 00:06:19.319 --> 00:06:27.759 tells me to see and I don' t understand the fucking language. So 77 00:06:27.879 --> 00:06:32.839 what I just did is super racist, because I speak four languages. My 78 00:06:32.879 --> 00:06:35.680 grandmother only talks one and they don' t match. And besides, she, 79 00:06:36.639 --> 00:06:42.319 she just talks. She, uh, only speaks speaking because wrighting didn 80 00:06:42.399 --> 00:06:46.720 ' t have it. He only speaks half a language and we don' 81 00:06:46.720 --> 00:06:49.040 t understand each other. And I tell her, I tell her, Mom, 82 00:06:49.319 --> 00:06:54.279 that my grandmother wanted to say on this and my mother tells me, 83 00:06:54.480 --> 00:06:59.800 there' s something like a arranged wedding between you and your cousin and me 84 00:06:59.680 --> 00:07:02.319 that I like mom, no, no, no to my mom, I 85 00:07:02.319 --> 00:07:05.199 ' m western, I don' t do these things. I don' 86 00:07:05.480 --> 00:07:09.560 t know what' s going on, tell me how it' s said 87 00:07:09.560 --> 00:07:15.600 in Arabs, just folk friends. It gives me my commitment, I' 88 00:07:15.680 --> 00:07:20.959 m afraid of commitment. I' m fucking from the West, I' 89 00:07:20.959 --> 00:07:23.480 m scared of engagement. I don' t commit to anyone. But we 90 00:07:23.480 --> 00:07:28.480 have to commit to hell, we have to commit to the family, to 91 00:07:28.519 --> 00:07:30.759 the friends, to the couple, like I need to learn to commit. 92 00:07:30.839 --> 00:07:34.839 And every Sunday I say come I go to my parents' house and eat 93 00:07:34.920 --> 00:07:40.360 with them and I realized that we are waiting in the living room for the 94 00:07:40.360 --> 00:07:43.240 food to be made, because it is baked and such we are talking there. 95 00:07:43.600 --> 00:07:48.279 My mother tells me my mother, she tells me to go to the 96 00:07:48.360 --> 00:07:56.000 lord throw spices and throw fennel at her. For some reason, my mother 97 00:07:56.120 --> 00:08:01.879 separates fennel from spices. And my only theory is that he' s been 98 00:08:03.079 --> 00:08:07.120 eating racism for 20 years in Mallorca, eating racism every fucking day and he 99 00:08:07.160 --> 00:08:11.160 said this, I have to get him out somewhere. Dude, fucking fennel 100 00:08:11.240 --> 00:08:15.199 fennel coming in here, dude with the fucking fennel, he pays for it 101 00:08:15.279 --> 00:08:18.800 with the fennel and I seas are his stuff, we' re lives, 102 00:08:18.800 --> 00:08:20.079 his. And in time I tell Mom, I have such a problem in 103 00:08:20.160 --> 00:08:28.120 class. I don' t know what and he tells me to throw fennel 104 00:08:28.120 --> 00:08:31.560 at that, throw fennel at him. And there he kind of clicked me 105 00:08:31.639 --> 00:08:39.120 in the pussy brain, my mom confuses fennel with eyeballing him? Ha ha 106 00:08:39.240 --> 00:08:50.480 ha ha ha ha EEAEEEA no, my mother has been confusing fennel with her 107 00:08:50.600 --> 00:08:54.879 all her life? And from there you flash backs to my past like, 108 00:08:54.120 --> 00:09:00.600 make him angry at the traffic light because maybe in his head the Spanish saying 109 00:09:00.600 --> 00:09:05.399 goes hand in hand with spices. You know, sir' s cumin is 110 00:09:05.480 --> 00:09:16.440 inscrutable, Mr Uncle Ufff' s cumin. I' m look, I 111 00:09:16.440 --> 00:09:20.600 ' ve got, I' m racist, like good Western, I' 112 00:09:20.600 --> 00:09:24.240 m like good Western, I' m pretty racist. And there' s 113 00:09:24.240 --> 00:09:28.759 one thing, that there' s an issue that' s kind of worth 114 00:09:28.919 --> 00:09:33.600 this right now I' ve got super normalized, and there are people that 115 00:09:33.679 --> 00:09:37.200 today among us there are people who are called Matamoros. I' ve got 116 00:09:37.240 --> 00:09:39.879 it super normalized. Hey, I can be your friend. If they call 117 00:09:39.879 --> 00:09:43.440 you Matamoros, we can be roommates quietly that I' m not really going 118 00:09:43.519 --> 00:09:48.279 to worry about, but I remember the first time I heard that last name 119 00:09:48.360 --> 00:09:52.039 in my fucking life, uncle with seven years in class, it comes to 120 00:09:52.120 --> 00:09:56.720 a guy named Javier Matamoros. That Javier Matamoros, and I, with my 121 00:09:56.799 --> 00:09:58.919 logic of seven years in plan, okay, yes, blacksmith is that you 122 00:10:00.080 --> 00:10:03.720 people worked in a blacksmith' s shop. What the fuck did this guy 123 00:10:03.720 --> 00:10:07.720 ' s grandfather do, what the fuck did I go to that guy' 124 00:10:07.759 --> 00:10:11.840 s footprint is like I think it' s okay, yeah, if I 125 00:10:11.840 --> 00:10:13.320 have a girlfriend who' s from Matamoros' s country, I don' 126 00:10:13.320 --> 00:10:16.559 t want to go to that Christmas dinner. I' m really sorry, 127 00:10:16.600 --> 00:10:18.840 but I don' t want to get into it. Okay, I don 128 00:10:18.879 --> 00:10:28.679 ' t want to get into that. And with my logic of twenty- 129 00:10:28.919 --> 00:10:35.879 six years, I think it' s okay if Christopher Columbus went to South 130 00:10:37.320 --> 00:10:41.639 America and did what he did, because nowadays there' s no last name 131 00:10:41.639 --> 00:10:43.799 kills Sudacas No. No, moment, silly, moment, moment, because 132 00:10:43.919 --> 00:10:46.840 Matamoro del Guay but kills Sudacas. There should be a lot more Sweat Killer 133 00:10:46.840 --> 00:10:54.200 than Sweater Killer. Between us they are more. Fuck, no, no, 134 00:10:54.279 --> 00:10:58.799 moment, moment, moment, moment, moment, because I don' 135 00:10:58.879 --> 00:11:01.799 t want to. I don' t want a world where I have the 136 00:11:01.879 --> 00:11:05.080 privileges of a white guy and there isn' t a matamoro there. I 137 00:11:05.120 --> 00:11:09.440 don' t want that. I want the South Americans to be just as 138 00:11:09.440 --> 00:11:18.960 fucked up as I am as a minority, and there' s a Sweat 139 00:11:20.039 --> 00:11:24.240 Killer, Fuck, Fuck for every Sweepy Killer, a Sweepy Killer. It 140 00:11:24.279 --> 00:11:31.320 looks like a hell of a lot to me for every slayer or a scoundrel, 141 00:11:31.960 --> 00:11:35.399 some Serbian scoundrel just in case for what might happen in the future. 142 00:11:35.720 --> 00:11:37.399 But wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a 143 00:11:37.399 --> 00:11:41.879 minute. It also happens that nowadays they do not kill Moors? Don' 144 00:11:41.919 --> 00:11:46.120 t you kill Moors these days? It' s a phrase you can say 145 00:11:46.120 --> 00:11:50.399 quietly. Today no Moors are killed, so that last name is like obsolete. 146 00:11:52.039 --> 00:11:54.039 You can' t go around saying you' re called moths when you 147 00:11:54.080 --> 00:11:58.519 don' t kill Moors. But maybe it would have to change, it 148 00:11:58.600 --> 00:12:03.840 would have to evolve badly looking moros. Thank you so much for two everything.