1 00:00:02,120 --> 00:00:19,760 Comedy Central Podcast Hi Hi Hostia. You applaud me as if you knew me 2 00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:22,440 or something and in fact you don' t know many people. This is 3 00:00:22,559 --> 00:00:27,239 the first thing I record in Comedy Central as a stand- up and I 4 00:00:27,280 --> 00:00:32,520 ' ve been performing in Palma de Mallorca for about five years and from time 5 00:00:32,600 --> 00:00:37,399 to time they call me from a local newspaper, always the same to always 6 00:00:37,399 --> 00:00:41,359 do the same interview. Every six months you see that you stay a blank 7 00:00:41,439 --> 00:00:46,359 page and pull the agenda and they come up to the Greek and that I 8 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:52,799 am they reach to the fucking gre don' t wait, wait and I 9 00:00:52,840 --> 00:00:57,560 realized that they are not interviews to an emerging comedian, but they are interviews 10 00:00:57,600 --> 00:01:07,959 to a Moor who does something already is a Moor who does something we are 11 00:01:08,000 --> 00:01:12,079 going to call him and tell us what you do and in fact, even 12 00:01:12,159 --> 00:01:19,439 the nuance is different because it is interviews to a Moor who does something good, 13 00:01:19,719 --> 00:01:19,959 you know and fuck that up. He' s fucking with me, 14 00:01:21,640 --> 00:01:23,359 man, he' s fucking with me. And once they asked me yunez 15 00:01:23,840 --> 00:01:38,439 you, what do you think of terrorism. I mean, maybe my answer 16 00:01:38,519 --> 00:01:41,680 will get to you as I tell you, no, because you might. 17 00:01:42,599 --> 00:01:44,400 You expect me to tell you, because I think it' s wrong. 18 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:48,599 No, but because those things don' t ask, man, you, 19 00:01:48,879 --> 00:01:51,120 what do you think of terrorism? Imagine what I' m saying, well, 20 00:01:52,200 --> 00:01:53,959 look, I was so clear about it so far, but your question 21 00:01:55,000 --> 00:01:59,040 has clicked on my head. Your question clicked, Uncle, and now for 22 00:01:59,040 --> 00:02:01,879 your thing like that. And if he ever told you, then look, 23 00:02:01,879 --> 00:02:14,840 I think that neither terrorism nor pacifism know how to roll, roll an intermediate 24 00:02:14,840 --> 00:02:19,240 point. Terrorism is wrong, but pacifism. Uncle man, neither one thing 25 00:02:19,280 --> 00:02:25,000 nor the other didn' t hit last year or last year' s favorite 26 00:02:25,039 --> 00:02:30,240 Twitter moment. Well, you know that from time to time someone tweets saying 27 00:02:30,280 --> 00:02:35,240 I' ve finally overcome an illness or I' ve finally found a job. 28 00:02:35,879 --> 00:02:38,039 And like, since it' s a social network with a lot of 29 00:02:38,159 --> 00:02:43,199 hate, that' s like a lot of love all of a sudden and 30 00:02:43,280 --> 00:02:46,080 everybody turns cool. I' m happy for you, even if I don 31 00:02:46,199 --> 00:02:51,319 ' t know you, I love you so much as my favorite moment last 32 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:54,240 year was a kid who uploads a video, walking like that in rehab, 33 00:02:54,240 --> 00:02:59,360 learning to walk and writing. I had a brain tumor. I was in 34 00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:01,919 a coma for 12 months. The doctors said he wouldn' t survive and 35 00:03:01,960 --> 00:03:07,080 if he did, he' d never walk again. And here I am 36 00:03:07,080 --> 00:03:13,639 walking. Thank you very much to Itana. Your music helped me. It 37 00:03:13,759 --> 00:03:15,919 ' s nice, not because your Italian music helped a guy in rehab, 38 00:03:16,680 --> 00:03:23,039 because this phone got into his head. All that and fuck the pretty one 39 00:03:23,159 --> 00:03:27,840 because it went well. And sixteen thousand re twits, sixteen thousand people like 40 00:03:27,919 --> 00:03:32,400 that. You' re a hero example to follow. That' s how 41 00:03:32,400 --> 00:03:36,199 we want millions of comments. You' re a fucking master is crack. 42 00:03:36,280 --> 00:03:38,919 I don' t know what. Suddenly, an aunt shares a screenshot saying 43 00:03:38,000 --> 00:03:43,879 uh, this guy harassed me for instagram and suddenly another aunt, uh, 44 00:03:44,159 --> 00:03:47,319 harassed me too. This guy' s me, too. And the uncle 45 00:03:47,360 --> 00:03:53,280 his only fourth was not me. I was in a coma. I was 46 00:03:53,400 --> 00:03:59,199 in a coma and suddenly a lot of people start going down on their Twitter 47 00:03:59,280 --> 00:04:01,439 and they start watching fuck. He' s got a lot of super- 48 00:04:01,439 --> 00:04:05,319 machista tweets. I' m super racist this guy in the shit and like 49 00:04:05,360 --> 00:04:10,759 sixteen thousand retuitches in your favor are against you and the guy' s like 50 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:15,800 the tsunami of the impossible coming on him collecting his old twists so that no 51 00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:19,519 one sees them. And just like people you' re shit, you' 52 00:04:19,639 --> 00:04:25,519 re gonna mulberry, you go back to the hospital. People a guy and 53 00:04:25,560 --> 00:04:30,240 he says I' ve never removed a like that fast. Suddenly, Aitana, 54 00:04:32,120 --> 00:04:41,040 who only sees the first tweet of all, who is beautiful and who 55 00:04:41,120 --> 00:04:46,680 hasn' t lifted a carpet that is full of shit, gives the retweet 56 00:04:46,839 --> 00:04:57,519 of the year to that and comments oh how pretty and people don' t 57 00:04:58,519 --> 00:05:05,439 ha. There it is complicated, it complicates UFFF that what I think of 58 00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:09,000 this, since the author has to be separated from the patient. In these 59 00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:13,319 cases it is necessary to know how to separate the perpetrator from the patient. 60 00:05:15,319 --> 00:05:18,759 Ufff Hostia. That' s my favorite Twitter moment last year, my favorite 61 00:05:18,800 --> 00:05:23,839 moment from a few years ago in real life was that I went to my 62 00:05:23,879 --> 00:05:27,560 grandparents' camp, which is in northern Morocco. And whenever I go, 63 00:05:28,639 --> 00:05:30,600 like I leave every two years, or that and I always find new cousins 64 00:05:30,680 --> 00:05:35,439 that I didn' t know and that I don' t want to love 65 00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:40,480 them either, because it' s like an emotional attachment of people from another 66 00:05:40,519 --> 00:05:46,439 culture that in the end clashes with me, because I' m western, 67 00:05:46,639 --> 00:05:50,920 you know, and these people that I see, see, I' m 68 00:05:50,959 --> 00:05:55,800 western, my grandparents, no, my parents are there and I' m 69 00:05:55,839 --> 00:05:58,600 already there and I' ve already assimilated that I' m not going to 70 00:05:58,600 --> 00:05:59,639 have an emotional attachment to people that are my cousins. But I don' 71 00:06:00,199 --> 00:06:04,240 t do it, but about two years ago I met a cousin who was 72 00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:08,839 a charmer, that is, she stole my heart and we were, like, 73 00:06:09,160 --> 00:06:13,160 three months playing at Plan Guau, like she felt like a cousin' 74 00:06:13,160 --> 00:06:15,160 s sister' s love to fuck. I feel an emotional attachment. I 75 00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:19,240 like her so much, and after summer my grandmother comes to me and she 76 00:06:19,319 --> 00:06:27,759 tells me to see and I don' t understand the fucking language. So 77 00:06:27,879 --> 00:06:32,839 what I just did is super racist, because I speak four languages. My 78 00:06:32,879 --> 00:06:35,680 grandmother only talks one and they don' t match. And besides, she, 79 00:06:36,639 --> 00:06:42,319 she just talks. She, uh, only speaks speaking because wrighting didn 80 00:06:42,399 --> 00:06:46,720 ' t have it. He only speaks half a language and we don' 81 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:49,040 t understand each other. And I tell her, I tell her, Mom, 82 00:06:49,319 --> 00:06:54,279 that my grandmother wanted to say on this and my mother tells me, 83 00:06:54,480 --> 00:06:59,800 there' s something like a arranged wedding between you and your cousin and me 84 00:06:59,680 --> 00:07:02,319 that I like mom, no, no, no to my mom, I 85 00:07:02,319 --> 00:07:05,199 ' m western, I don' t do these things. I don' 86 00:07:05,480 --> 00:07:09,560 t know what' s going on, tell me how it' s said 87 00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:15,600 in Arabs, just folk friends. It gives me my commitment, I' 88 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:20,959 m afraid of commitment. I' m fucking from the West, I' 89 00:07:20,959 --> 00:07:23,480 m scared of engagement. I don' t commit to anyone. But we 90 00:07:23,480 --> 00:07:28,480 have to commit to hell, we have to commit to the family, to 91 00:07:28,519 --> 00:07:30,759 the friends, to the couple, like I need to learn to commit. 92 00:07:30,839 --> 00:07:34,839 And every Sunday I say come I go to my parents' house and eat 93 00:07:34,920 --> 00:07:40,360 with them and I realized that we are waiting in the living room for the 94 00:07:40,360 --> 00:07:43,240 food to be made, because it is baked and such we are talking there. 95 00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:48,279 My mother tells me my mother, she tells me to go to the 96 00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:56,000 lord throw spices and throw fennel at her. For some reason, my mother 97 00:07:56,120 --> 00:08:01,879 separates fennel from spices. And my only theory is that he' s been 98 00:08:03,079 --> 00:08:07,120 eating racism for 20 years in Mallorca, eating racism every fucking day and he 99 00:08:07,160 --> 00:08:11,160 said this, I have to get him out somewhere. Dude, fucking fennel 100 00:08:11,240 --> 00:08:15,199 fennel coming in here, dude with the fucking fennel, he pays for it 101 00:08:15,279 --> 00:08:18,800 with the fennel and I seas are his stuff, we' re lives, 102 00:08:18,800 --> 00:08:20,079 his. And in time I tell Mom, I have such a problem in 103 00:08:20,160 --> 00:08:28,120 class. I don' t know what and he tells me to throw fennel 104 00:08:28,120 --> 00:08:31,560 at that, throw fennel at him. And there he kind of clicked me 105 00:08:31,639 --> 00:08:39,120 in the pussy brain, my mom confuses fennel with eyeballing him? Ha ha 106 00:08:39,240 --> 00:08:50,480 ha ha ha ha EEAEEEA no, my mother has been confusing fennel with her 107 00:08:50,600 --> 00:08:54,879 all her life? And from there you flash backs to my past like, 108 00:08:54,120 --> 00:09:00,600 make him angry at the traffic light because maybe in his head the Spanish saying 109 00:09:00,600 --> 00:09:05,399 goes hand in hand with spices. You know, sir' s cumin is 110 00:09:05,480 --> 00:09:16,440 inscrutable, Mr Uncle Ufff' s cumin. I' m look, I 111 00:09:16,440 --> 00:09:20,600 ' ve got, I' m racist, like good Western, I' 112 00:09:20,600 --> 00:09:24,240 m like good Western, I' m pretty racist. And there' s 113 00:09:24,240 --> 00:09:28,759 one thing, that there' s an issue that' s kind of worth 114 00:09:28,919 --> 00:09:33,600 this right now I' ve got super normalized, and there are people that 115 00:09:33,679 --> 00:09:37,200 today among us there are people who are called Matamoros. I' ve got 116 00:09:37,240 --> 00:09:39,879 it super normalized. Hey, I can be your friend. If they call 117 00:09:39,879 --> 00:09:43,440 you Matamoros, we can be roommates quietly that I' m not really going 118 00:09:43,519 --> 00:09:48,279 to worry about, but I remember the first time I heard that last name 119 00:09:48,360 --> 00:09:52,039 in my fucking life, uncle with seven years in class, it comes to 120 00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:56,720 a guy named Javier Matamoros. That Javier Matamoros, and I, with my 121 00:09:56,799 --> 00:09:58,919 logic of seven years in plan, okay, yes, blacksmith is that you 122 00:10:00,080 --> 00:10:03,720 people worked in a blacksmith' s shop. What the fuck did this guy 123 00:10:03,720 --> 00:10:07,720 ' s grandfather do, what the fuck did I go to that guy' 124 00:10:07,759 --> 00:10:11,840 s footprint is like I think it' s okay, yeah, if I 125 00:10:11,840 --> 00:10:13,320 have a girlfriend who' s from Matamoros' s country, I don' 126 00:10:13,320 --> 00:10:16,559 t want to go to that Christmas dinner. I' m really sorry, 127 00:10:16,600 --> 00:10:18,840 but I don' t want to get into it. Okay, I don 128 00:10:18,879 --> 00:10:28,679 ' t want to get into that. And with my logic of twenty- 129 00:10:28,919 --> 00:10:35,879 six years, I think it' s okay if Christopher Columbus went to South 130 00:10:37,320 --> 00:10:41,639 America and did what he did, because nowadays there' s no last name 131 00:10:41,639 --> 00:10:43,799 kills Sudacas No. No, moment, silly, moment, moment, because 132 00:10:43,919 --> 00:10:46,840 Matamoro del Guay but kills Sudacas. There should be a lot more Sweat Killer 133 00:10:46,840 --> 00:10:54,200 than Sweater Killer. Between us they are more. Fuck, no, no, 134 00:10:54,279 --> 00:10:58,799 moment, moment, moment, moment, moment, because I don' 135 00:10:58,879 --> 00:11:01,799 t want to. I don' t want a world where I have the 136 00:11:01,879 --> 00:11:05,080 privileges of a white guy and there isn' t a matamoro there. I 137 00:11:05,120 --> 00:11:09,440 don' t want that. I want the South Americans to be just as 138 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:18,960 fucked up as I am as a minority, and there' s a Sweat 139 00:11:20,039 --> 00:11:24,240 Killer, Fuck, Fuck for every Sweepy Killer, a Sweepy Killer. It 140 00:11:24,279 --> 00:11:31,320 looks like a hell of a lot to me for every slayer or a scoundrel, 141 00:11:31,960 --> 00:11:35,399 some Serbian scoundrel just in case for what might happen in the future. 142 00:11:35,720 --> 00:11:37,399 But wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a 143 00:11:37,399 --> 00:11:41,879 minute. It also happens that nowadays they do not kill Moors? Don' 144 00:11:41,919 --> 00:11:46,120 t you kill Moors these days? It' s a phrase you can say 145 00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:50,399 quietly. Today no Moors are killed, so that last name is like obsolete. 146 00:11:52,039 --> 00:11:54,039 You can' t go around saying you' re called moths when you 147 00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:58,519 don' t kill Moors. But maybe it would have to change, it 148 00:11:58,600 --> 00:12:03,840 would have to evolve badly looking moros. Thank you so much for two everything.