Comedy Central Podcast Bueno Majos, my name is Juan Carlos Córdoba. And before
anyone says hi, I have a cousin in Cordoba. I' m sweating.
I haven' t been in my life in Cordoba. I come from
here from Madrid, from a neighborhood with a lot of crime. They say
it' s about the drug issue. It must be true. My neighborhoods
were once police with drug dogs and they died of overdose. And the dogs
didn' t because they ran away. There' s a rock that gets
it houses, you know jo so they got some drugs. I don'
t want to do demagoguery on this drug issue. No, but even if
this is a monologue, you have to know that there are good drugs and
drugs that save lives. They saved my life as a child. The drugs
were left on a Christmas Eve my grandmother on the open balcony, but because
of the neighbor' s marijuana plant downstairs. I hit a shit that killed
me, you know, and my grandmother, my grandson, fell into drugs.
No, my grandmother' s a gene She doesn' t see the
good side of things, well, she doesn' t see the good side
or the bad side. My grandmother is blind, but blind that you shit
that Papa Monjas left the convent because she said that he didn' t see
a dick there. I mean, granny, a little blind, a little
slutty. Grandma, uh, doesn' t blind me to one day go
into I say Grandma' s kitchen that you' re pieging my pillow what
she does and she says I already found the croquettes too fat. You know,
Grandma' s terrible. My grandfather' s worse. I have a
grandfather who is the typical old grandfather of postwar senior, has no fucking idea
of new technologies. We recently gave him the iPhone five all afternoon freaking out
with the iPhone five, I say you' ll see playing the lights,
because he' s the typical old grandfather of war, very old who sits
down to eat with you and only tells you three things. Or put in
a pair of war. You needed it and the coolest I was already working
at your age, that I' m going to retire at sixty- seven
years old, I' m going to retire at sixty- seven years old.
He' s working all the way, me, son, bitch You
know, this is me at your age I was already working. It'
s a very funny thing. But it is said of generation and generation when
you have children, you will tell them, because the grandfather only says to
the father, the father, the son, the son, the grandson.
It' s said in the whole family, good less in the royal family.
Of course, I can' t imagine Juan cart with Philip sitting here
on his knee telling him. But Philip who was at your age, was
already working, but not me of fed but what can I do more.
Gipo, you know, low jo,' cause it' s not bad.
Grandfather is terrible, but the king is going to the pot, because
the king is old, not and that grandfather and all the grandparents are valued.
My grandfather' s out of his mind or so much already. The
other one' s getting close to him. A little girl with a couch
from the domun tells her, sir for the kids you' ll say they
don' t eat. My grandfather says they don' t eat. A
war. They needed it, I mean look and all for not giving it,
because my grandfather is very attached. You guys, you guys were little
kids going to school or, to the list and at recess, you were
asking for a heis sandwich poop that you put your fingers on like this to
mark just invented my grandfather. When the sandwich hadn' t been invented.
Son of a bitch caught. You know, not caught, we recently had
an accident with the highway car. We took a shit against the median.
Instead of calling the Samur, he called a stone stand and says I just
ate a median. You give me another one or what it tastes like.
But so fatal. My grandfather and grandmother are so terrible, but I love
them so much. I' ve been growing up with my grandparents my whole
life. My parents spent a lot of time away from home, depending on
the sentence the judge put in. Between one and three years I live in
a neighborhood. Fuckin' my dad, especially my parents. My father was
a chorizo. My father, the gamblers called him the telecinct twelve times.
It doesn' t cause cause. You know how well, uh, I
had to steal a lot from my dad to pay for it. My mother
' s vice because my mother' s an alcoholic. You know, on
the old night, my mother was wearing gummelons and putting twelve grapes on her.
I was stepping on them to make drunk wine. You know, uh,
looking at how they drink, not looking at it as a baby.
The fish were singing it to my watchful mother. Hey, for my mom,
we called it off. They' re melchor gaspari and valantain eye.
You tell me my grandmother your mother is a piece of bread I say my
mother is a torreja of wine. One day I' ll go with her
and buy a bra for her. Tells him the one from the store.
You want it with a glass and my mother says with a free bar.
That drunk shit. My mother has come home to me with farts to fuck
my sister to throw her out the window screaming tea picachu. I choose you
know Filipino and my grandmother, my granddaughter has fallen into drugs. I do
now, but it' s so fatal. My parents cheat, my grandparents
are good, and that' s why I say that my father, who
had to dedicate himself to stealing to pay for my mother' s bike.
My father would have liked to devote himself to something else, but well,
he had to work on Robbery. Then he' s out of politics.
He started to stick sticks seriously. The one who didn' t get granny,
uh the one who didn' t get to know my father was my
sister to the model and we called the model because she was born in that
prison in Barcelona, because she wasn' t very pretty. My sister,
my ugly sister, you see her and you say she' s fallen from
Guernica. The ugly little bitch cabe in my sister' s christening. The
flipped photographer says I saw her baptised with water, blessed with something boiling.
Please, the first communion made her alone locked in her room. Holy shit
went under the door so she wouldn' t see her. The wine was
drunk by my mother and when the priest came to confirm himself, son confirmed
you are very ugly. Uh, during my sister' s pregnancy, like
my parents, they were serving sentences together for my sister' s pregnancy,
with the little roll that I had to eat for two My mother ate my
father' s food that she made. My father took advantage and went on
hunger strike and got what no prisoners on hunger strike in this country, in
all history. To die is not to laugh laughing, because it was a
mess or burial a clear shame. My father was this skinny. We dressed
it in black, it looked like a charcoal. My father was red-
haired. We dressed him in white, he looked like a mess. That
' s how hard you know we went to get burned. One comes from
the Tanatori and says here you can' t smoke that leaf' s pay.
We had to bury him. I' d say what a shame.
Now to be ashamed, when my grandfather comes, my grandfather, as he
didn' t know anything, says he passes it to your father. I
say he hasn' t eaten for a month and says a month without having
a war. He needed it, and I say," Look ball"
I mean, but, Grandpa, he' s dead. And he says
dead. I was already working. I mean, look, it' s
terrible. Son of a bitch, she' s, uh, well,
she' s got to work. Now in my colleague the spoons I'
ve got a colleague spoon. Okay. It' s like Calle Tano Martínez
de Irujo, a horse enthusiast. He' s got to work because he
says he doesn' t have to eat. I mean, it' s
true, I mean because your mouth looks like a portal with two chairs.
The little mouse Perez owes him money and I tell you more what the lady
of the Barrio says, but what happened to your mouth and listen to the
horse power, ma' am, but you fell handsome and said no that
I put it in. Everything tells me to fuck Juan Carlos Tronco. You
remember when I got things in and out of my teeth, because now my
mules get in between things. You know, he' s gonna throw a
pig all day. Don' t bump a pig all day with the same
chandal. My colleague, the colleague, I don' t know what he
expects from Calón to get a catalogue for Yonkis, he doesn' t have
to put a price on it. They' re going to steal it and
I don' t know what Ana Botella, the Mayor of Madrid, is
waiting for to make the Olympic barracks. They give us the Olympics. You
know, if everybody' s already out there with a pussy rtera racket,
what you' re saying is that these people don' t fight for gold.
I mean, but don' t see how they fight for money.
Sage no yes, my mother, now where I' d give it the
gold loaf. I' m sure they' d be Olympic March. They
' d give it to a Yonkeye. You' ve seen how fast candan
Yonke with sneakers to walk around the house, you get a ride. Even
the goat is not followed by the legion that Yonky who gets to give the
plate to me when the spoons are given me to give the sheet that I
don' t know anymore because he goes tolba bato zumbao and he starts to
give me the chaca. When you hear it, Juan Callo Chaval, he
won' t throw you, you won' t have a cigarette that I
follow the plea, as my grandfather you know. Yeah, yeah, sure,
sure, sure, you know, but he keeps throwing your plate and
he says hey don' t have a cigarette. There' s something soto
for a fighter. Fuck me, it' s not for me to start
seeing if I don' t get any of it. This does not see
nor palpolize these paalÑa nor that I am taking off, since I have
said but how much it costs you a dose and tells me twenty euros and
I say and one about two cysti me, but it is very heavy.
I' m a supporter. I do, supporter. I am in favour
of giving money to the yonkees because if they don' t park cars they
have ever parked the car a Yonking that does not turn away the pig,
that a guy who has not been able to guide himself in life, will
not know how to guide you to embark, that is the other day.
The other day I' ll go with my car, I' ll meet
the spoon, I' ll tell you spoons you' ve got a hole
out there. He tells me between teeth in which you want champion, I
mean, but it' s for the car to fool helped me to park.
I blew up the car that didn' t park the car a Johnkee
Vale. And this is paranoid. He doesn' t even have to laugh
at us. But I think the shit that hit the Titanic was pretty much
like that. Not that rudder was a night there, wal no, my
captain. I don' t think we can fit around, uh, we
can' t fit. He went out in Yonky Elicebert. But like I
don' t end up champ, come on, come on, put him
in the mirrors Come on, Dale Dale, Dale, I mean, fuck
the Titanic. You know the desperate captain who told the most whore there'
s no boats for everyone here. Yes, yes, OK, of course,
since not that I' m not in favour of it being sought in
life Okay, because it' s very bad with the crisis and you have
to look for life as a Scot, we don' t look for it
How it is with the crisis. Hey, there' s family returning the
children that Sister Maria stole. There' s the thing even more. But
the worst thing isn' t that, the worst thing is that the natural
parents are asking for the ticket, that is to say like he stole,
because if it' s Jess and Roba and I didn' t have that
I can' t speak to you to see people don' t take care
of their children. We' re not going to be able to support our
children with the crisis, i e, the shoes, it' s all
gone up with him was the shoes a basic thing. Well, my kids
have gone back to school Well, back to the barefoot. I don'
t have Pazapates. In the end, you know what I' ve done.
As this country of tambourine has not raised anything taxes that have to do
with bullfighting shows. All my children I' ve bought handmuffs. Everything,
the little one' s got your shit left. The major says they give
up in high school. I told you. I mean, you have to
put up with it. It' s your first year as a teacher.
That' s where you put up with this or the an and you'
re going out to protest us on the street because the riot control is coming.
How are Madrid riot control? Uh, before, you ran into a
yonkeye. You changed your sidewalk. I' ve come across an anti-
riot and changed my wax the yonkeye and I say I' ve already passed
the thing very bad, good, good, good, good as my neighborhood.
The police don' t go in anymore, because, like, it
' s such a bad neighborhood. Well, the last time there was a
chase with the police in my neighborhood I was going on was the police.
You know yes. In my fucking neighborhood. There' s the party in
my Alucinas neighborhood, there' s more Johnkey riding on the Witch' s
train than dodging. You know the pirate ship is a pirate, you'
re getting on a trip, you' re getting off, a fucking party
movie. They put a guy alive once. The next day he showed up
dead. I started smoking joints at the parties in my neighborhood, of course
because there is a lot of drugs, besides the dumbest way, because I
was going through the vervain of my neighborhood and I say look, I say
cotton with sugar, apples with caramario. I mean, you smoke chocolate.
That looks like a laugh because we got caught by the neighborhood priest smoking joints.
There my colleagues and we stare at the workman tells me there are smoking
joints. People who do drugs have no goals, I say goals. I
' m here to run. Now, Father, he tells me not to
laugh, because if you smoke a joint, you end up injecting. Heroin,
I mean father, that' s as exaggerated as saying that if I
become a nun, I can end up stealing children. You don' t
tell me that' s impossible for it to happen. I say yes,
yes, of course, I mean, I can' t believe anything a
priest tells me, I mean, I read the Bible, Saavis, I
give him the Bible, I can' t believe anything a priest tells me.
I' ve read the Bible and freaked out. I mean, I
mean, the snake jo already dances so the whale Daniel and the lion and
I say but I' m reading the Bible or picopata hair please, I
mean, and I' m going to believe that I' m told by
a guy like that that if I smoke a joint, I can end up
injecting heroin. I mean, if I smoke a joint, I can end
up as President of the Government, because they say the joints take your memory
away. I mean, it must be true, and it' s true
that the president of this piyfumac, because it' s that it' s
winning the selection and if you forget everything you promised. No, that'
s not me when I' m not, when I' m cracked.
We' re not talking about education today. But when Zapatero was in this
country and Zapatero was on TV, I was watching the TV and I thought
he smokes Zapatero, that he rules it, that he rules it, because
Zapatero had to stick some smoked in the moncloa of the good eh, but
of the pretty one of the PSSS. Wow how handsome, what handsome?
C There' s this thing that you brought your pickle s I get my
eyebrows pointed and everything looks good. Let' s see what we can do
to get the shrimp in. Today Rubalcava to see a moment what happens I
will call you Rubalcalva that I am funny. Today Rubalcava, see go here
one thing will happen look. We' re gonna slow down to a hundred
and ten in three months. We put it back up to one hundred and
twenty. We' re not gonna break the dick. That joint thing,
that joint thing? Don' t imagine, imagine. The next day he
was blushing to the Moncloa. José Luis you' re going to freak out
that they haven' t published it in the Official Gazette. Now that you
and the shoemaker do there stickers. That joint thing, that joint thing?
How I' m going to want something that a politician tells me let'
s not even tell me a priest can' t be looked at. Flip.
On the issue of drugs, the Minister of Justice himself has said that
drugs are illegal because they destroy homes. And that' s fine with me,
but I mean pussy, I mean, drugs are illegal because they destroy
in homes. So I say tobacco, alcohol and gambling, which are the
foundation of the Spanish family, or what not. Hey. And if we
already put all three crazy things together, or you put around a table,
a family smoking, sucking wikis and playing cards, the question is that it
has broken more home on the drug or the Christmas Eve is no more.
If that' s the criterion and we legalize everything that can destroy a home,
everything that can break a home, we' re going to outlaw it
and we' re going to do it here and now, because we'
re the sovereign people and we can do it. Okay, let' s
just take advantage of the fact that this is a fifteen- year- old
camp. He' ll see his hands raised, as well as the indignant.
All of them. I see this as an anti- riot. He
' s got a stick, eh ha ha ha ha. No, but
we' re going to legalize everything that can break a home in your opinion,
that has broken more homes, unemployment or drugs answer it and legalize unemployment.
Here I now vote in favour. We just outlawed unemployment. Which has
broken more homes, evictions or drugs and legalize the eviction Potos in favor,
which has broken more homes, labor has a gay marriage or drugs. I
' ve caught you here, eh, for the Episcopal Conference. Abortion and
gay marriages have broken more homes than drugs and let' s legalize the Episcopal
Conference votes in favour. Let' s keep going, let' s keep
outlawing things. Of course we are going to outlaw everything that can destroy a
home, hunger, wars, weapons, tobacco, gambling alcohol. My grandfather
said everything. Everything. My strophagar grandfather is everything. Bullfights. You heard
right. Bullfights break more homes than drugs. If you don' t believe
me, ask the cows. But of course no one asks cows because they
have no feelings. In fact, bullfighting is legal in this country, because
the bull does not suffer and this you are going to freak out. The
protaurines hold and I swear to you this is true, that the animal suffers
more during transport to the square than during the fight. I mean, I
don' t believe it even if you bring them with Ryaneos. I mean,
I don' t believe it, I mean I' ll give you
an example? No, I mean, am I going to give you an
example? I mean, I live in a country, I live in a
country where it' s socially better to see a bleeding bull die than to
smoke a joint, and I' m going to give you this example.
Difame the bull from the vega. I knew what he said. Not defaming
the bull can mean a fine of three zero euros, as well as smoking
a joint on the public road. You know the conclusion that I get from
this that I travel in torsillas comes out for six thousand bucks seriously And if
we already difame the bull, we get in nine thousand. You know,
but we' re going to continue to outlaw things that can destroy a home
and not leave the horns that have broken more homes, adultery or drugs.
I understand that you can' t keep your eyes shut, but the rest
of us, I mean, don' t be hypocrites. I mean,
you walk into your bedroom, you see a joint in an ashtray to your
wife, on all fours, and a black guy giving her a shoe from
behind, and you' re gonna tell me that the first thing that comes
out of your mouth is a joint. I mean, let' s visualize
it. If you do me a favor, you can close your eyes that
situation, close your eyes all right boys, enter your room The lady has
already imagined the black. Don' t imagine it. Close your eyes,
imagine that situation, enter in your room and you see a pronunciation of your
woman on all fours is worth girls, you are the woman, you are
imagining it, boys you do not think so bad to the drug girls,
how you are having fun eh anyway, you have felt violent no, anyway,
you have felt violent no, because of course, how you are going
to imagine that. How are you going to imagine your wife in four parts,
the girls are saying. I can' t imagine that. I mean,
I got my guy next door, lie to him, tell him you
were thinking about something else. He does it every day, no, but
we' re going to do it in a neutral environment. This same thing
we will imagine with third people so that it does not affect us so much,
that is to close our eyes. We shut it down and now we
imagine an ordinary guy we don' t know about anything. A very common
man, José, seems well, I don' t know, enters a
bedroom and sees his wife on all fours and a black man giving him a
slipper from behind. You' re imagining it. Yeah, well, now
you switch to black for a pigeon. It is Frey nine months you call
him Jesus and we already have Christianity. You don' t think so.
It' s no more. We already have the Bethlehem seriously, we have
the bel monta. Because you don' t have to put on or go
or mule anymore. I' m not going, I' m not going,
I' m not going, I' m going, I' m
going, I' m going, I' m going, I' m
going, I' m going, I' m going. You don'
t have to put up, I don' t have to go, I
don' t have to go, I don' t have a mule.
Now it turns out that magician kings are Andalusians, that is, as we
go on. So it turns out that the child the thefts Sister Mary,
St Joseph was a travelo and Mary, for Mary must be what the Pope
smokes to write these things, because if I don' t explain it to
me you know that, in the end see them a nativity scene is going
to make a movie of Almodóvar. This man, as he keeps taking things
away, is not going to be freaking out. Approve the atheists above speaking
the Bethlehem and we should go and legalize the Christmas Eve just because we don
' t have to remove the Bethlehem after Christmas. To you it happens what
to me that the Bethlehem is finished, that is, they took out the
Christmases and the Bethlehem can stay there. I say on Monday and I don
' t say on Sunday that they don' t work day that I don
' t work, they touch me. I don' t take it off
either. I have the record to remove the Bethlehem. In August. I
swear to you, I' m going to remove the Bethlehem. There was
no longer Bethlehem, there was a St Joseph' s snack bar making a
paya for the Magi. I swear to you, the boy Jesus was already
walking and everything, uh, if he goes to the La Virgen River,
don' t get cocky, he cuts off your digestion. St Joseph says
something to the child and Joseph doesn' t tell the child' s nest
anything for three reasons. First, I' m not his father. Second,
nothing will happen to him until he' s thirty- three. And
third, the river of silver paper takes it to the spoons a while ago.
I mean, I don' t say anything to the child and we
should legalize Christmas Eve precisely because I destroy homes. Jesus' first, that
is, is not his father. Saint Joseph, that is, Jesus was
born in a broken home. Jesus because he was born twenty centuries ago comes
out in the Bible and ends up crucified. If Jesus is born, now
the older brother comes out, bursting a door, but he was born twenty
centuries ago and ends up crucified. And when he is crucified, he says
above my God, my God, why have you forsaken me. If I
am his father, if I am God, I open heaven and tell him
that Jesus is thirty- three years old. You live with your parents.
You' re out there all day with the cabbages that why she left you,
because she was already working, Jesus, because I was still working.
Thank you very much for seeing if you' d a little bit. Thank
you very much.