WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:04.040 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I Am six forty, 2 00:00:04.080 --> 00:00:09.880 the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. 3 00:00:09.919 --> 00:00:13.080 You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh 4 00:00:13.080 --> 00:00:18.239 Show. Happy Sunday, Happy Sunday. Oh, by goodness. I know 5 00:00:18.760 --> 00:00:24.399 last week I went down the Princess Kate Middleton rabbit hole. You know, 6 00:00:24.480 --> 00:00:30.280 I had some time during the week and TikTok was just so entertaining with all 7 00:00:30.320 --> 00:00:37.280 their theories. So sorry to say that all the theories were wrong about the 8 00:00:37.320 --> 00:00:44.479 affair the fake girl. There's only one theory that still hasn't been completely disproven 9 00:00:44.560 --> 00:00:49.320 with her, I'm sorry to say, cancer announcement, cancer diagnosis, and 10 00:00:49.359 --> 00:00:54.679 that is that she is partly a big distraction so that people aren't talking about 11 00:00:55.240 --> 00:01:00.840 the just as big story, which is the King King Charles being treated for 12 00:01:00.920 --> 00:01:07.239 cancer. We've heard nothing about that. So anyway, it was very sad 13 00:01:07.319 --> 00:01:11.560 for many people who have been following everything to see this young, vibrant woman 14 00:01:11.760 --> 00:01:17.319 now going through what she calls preventive chemotherapy. So I'm not a medical doctor, 15 00:01:17.359 --> 00:01:19.439 but I'm going to go with the fact that whatever surgery she had, 16 00:01:19.959 --> 00:01:23.359 you know, maybe she had some kind of tumor they saw and they took 17 00:01:23.400 --> 00:01:26.280 it out and said it's probably benign, and then they sent it to pathology. 18 00:01:26.680 --> 00:01:27.959 So she's recovering from the surgery, and then they go, oops, 19 00:01:29.000 --> 00:01:32.480 there's some cancer cells in there, and then they just want to shoot the 20 00:01:32.519 --> 00:01:34.560 body with chemo. I'm not a medical doctor. I'm making this up. 21 00:01:34.680 --> 00:01:38.719 Shoot the body with chemo, sort of like Trump would say with bleach or 22 00:01:38.760 --> 00:01:42.719 something. No, no chemo, so that if there are any errant cells, 23 00:01:42.239 --> 00:01:47.120 so they won't metastasize and move around and just get them. It's still 24 00:01:47.200 --> 00:01:53.760 chemotherapy, not fun, uncomfortable, And I do think they were wise to 25 00:01:53.959 --> 00:02:00.840 wait until their children were out for Easter break from school because they have three 26 00:02:00.079 --> 00:02:05.000 young kids, right school age kids, and you know how mean kids can 27 00:02:05.040 --> 00:02:08.759 be on the school yard, so they wanted to wait until everybody went it 28 00:02:08.800 --> 00:02:15.800 would stop the frenzy. I want to talk a little bit about if that 29 00:02:16.000 --> 00:02:22.159 C word cancer is in your family right now, ways that we can talk 30 00:02:22.199 --> 00:02:28.199 to our kids about cancer. Before I do, I want to tell you 31 00:02:28.280 --> 00:02:31.319 that, you know my parents, Both my parents died of cancer in the 32 00:02:31.400 --> 00:02:36.240 same year when I was thirty, so I wasn't a child, but I 33 00:02:36.280 --> 00:02:38.960 still, no matter how old you are, when your parents die, you 34 00:02:38.000 --> 00:02:43.719 feel like an orphan, like you really do. And my family, in 35 00:02:43.759 --> 00:02:49.680 a well meaning way, made what I would call some mistakes. Now I 36 00:02:49.719 --> 00:02:53.120 was here in Los Angeles. I think I was at KCP. I think 37 00:02:53.120 --> 00:02:55.919 it became UPN by then it was UPN News and I was anchoring, and 38 00:02:58.840 --> 00:03:01.800 they just hid it from me. All that they like, let's not worry 39 00:03:01.800 --> 00:03:07.000 Wendy. She's busy in California, you know, let's not worry her. 40 00:03:07.039 --> 00:03:10.960 Part of that was set up by my mom herself, because she was such 41 00:03:10.960 --> 00:03:15.560 a fighter. Now, it is important if you do have cancer to have 42 00:03:15.639 --> 00:03:20.319 hope. Right Doctors don't say, oh, you've got three weeks to live, 43 00:03:20.319 --> 00:03:22.319 you go to eight weeks to live. You got four months to live, 44 00:03:22.479 --> 00:03:24.319 because that's exactly how long you'll live. If somebody says that life is 45 00:03:24.319 --> 00:03:30.280 a self fulfilling prophecy, So having hope, even if it's a tiny hope. 46 00:03:30.439 --> 00:03:35.439 I saw this very touching video online that was going around with the is 47 00:03:35.479 --> 00:03:39.120 it America's Got talent or the voice with the Howie Mendel and Simon and is 48 00:03:39.159 --> 00:03:44.520 it American idol? Sign no no, no, no, America's talent said 49 00:03:44.520 --> 00:03:49.199 this girl singing, and she had a very advanced cancer. By the way, 50 00:03:49.240 --> 00:03:52.080 her her singing voice was just beautiful. I cried, I welled up, 51 00:03:52.120 --> 00:03:54.919 look at your singing. And apparently she died soon after this performance. 52 00:03:55.120 --> 00:03:58.520 But when they interviewed afterwards in the video, she goes, I have a 53 00:03:58.639 --> 00:04:01.919 two percent chance of living. Isn't that great? What if I had a 54 00:04:02.000 --> 00:04:05.800 zero persaid chance of living? Like this is a chance? So being in 55 00:04:05.800 --> 00:04:11.080 love with that hope is important. So my mom did that, and I 56 00:04:11.120 --> 00:04:17.079 think there's a difference between hope and complete denial. The day she died, 57 00:04:17.600 --> 00:04:23.079 she demanded a chemotherapy treatment when you know, the breast cancer had advanced to 58 00:04:23.120 --> 00:04:25.600 the point that it was lung cancer and her lungs were filling up with fluid 59 00:04:25.639 --> 00:04:28.560 and she could barely breathe and shed an oxygen mask on, et cetera. 60 00:04:28.839 --> 00:04:32.040 I got there thirty minutes before she passed away, and I didn't even have 61 00:04:32.240 --> 00:04:35.000 clothes with me for the funeral, folks. I thought I was just coming 62 00:04:35.000 --> 00:04:40.680 to cheer her up. Nobody told me how advanced her cancer was. So 63 00:04:40.720 --> 00:04:45.399 in my case, I wasn't really happy about that. So what if you 64 00:04:45.519 --> 00:04:48.600 do if your kids are young, what kind of information do you give them? 65 00:04:49.480 --> 00:04:53.800 So the most important thing mom and dad and aunts and uncles and grandma 66 00:04:53.839 --> 00:04:57.000 and grandpa can do is prepare in advance. Don't try to wing it. 67 00:04:57.240 --> 00:05:00.199 This is a conversation you want to maybe write out ahead of time, take 68 00:05:00.240 --> 00:05:05.720 some notes, have some keywords, and find a time and place where everybody's 69 00:05:05.759 --> 00:05:11.639 calm and it makes sense to have the conversation right, not just when you're 70 00:05:11.680 --> 00:05:15.360 running around in the middle of your day. Have a place where you're really 71 00:05:15.120 --> 00:05:18.800 you can be with them, hug them, look them in the eyes. 72 00:05:20.199 --> 00:05:25.680 When you talk about cancer, you want to be clear and direct. See, 73 00:05:25.680 --> 00:05:30.120 here's the thing. Kids are little sponges and they pick up on everything. 74 00:05:30.920 --> 00:05:33.680 So your words can be saying, now, mom is going to be 75 00:05:33.879 --> 00:05:35.879 just fine, don't you worry. I'm just going to go through this little 76 00:05:35.920 --> 00:05:42.680 chemotherapy, and they can sense the fear in your stomach. Instead, you 77 00:05:42.759 --> 00:05:46.720 might say something like, you know, we don't know what the outcome is 78 00:05:46.759 --> 00:05:49.399 going to be. We're definitely hoping for the best, and being optimistic is 79 00:05:49.439 --> 00:05:55.920 really important for all of us, right, So be clear and direct and 80 00:05:56.000 --> 00:06:00.560 talk about your feelings. I'm scared. It's scared, scary to go through 81 00:06:00.560 --> 00:06:03.120 this because I don't want it to end up in a bad way and I 82 00:06:03.160 --> 00:06:09.240 don't want to lose you. Also ask questions, because kids might have all 83 00:06:09.319 --> 00:06:13.120 kinds of myths about cancer. What do they know about cancer? And that 84 00:06:13.160 --> 00:06:15.439 way you can clear up the stuff that's wrong and say, well, that's 85 00:06:15.519 --> 00:06:18.560 not true. I don't know why the kids said that. No. On 86 00:06:18.560 --> 00:06:21.160 the other hand, well, I want you to be clear and direct. 87 00:06:21.839 --> 00:06:28.560 Don't overload them with information. It's too much information, and obviously it's dependent 88 00:06:28.600 --> 00:06:32.040 on how old the child is. Right, young children, simple to the 89 00:06:32.079 --> 00:06:35.399 facts. Mommy's sick, they're going to put or daddy sick, whatever, 90 00:06:35.439 --> 00:06:39.920 Grandma sick, whatever. They're going to put a chemical my body to fight 91 00:06:40.000 --> 00:06:44.519 off the bad cells. And I'm going to get better, I hope, 92 00:06:44.560 --> 00:06:48.480 and you know, just very simple stuff. Right. Also, don't just 93 00:06:48.560 --> 00:06:56.000 close that conversation. Wait, give them time, give them space to share 94 00:06:56.040 --> 00:07:00.120 their own feelings about what's going on, and when they do, you do 95 00:07:00.800 --> 00:07:05.160 ask questions, answer as honestly as possible. Also, let them know that 96 00:07:05.160 --> 00:07:09.680 they can keep coming to you and they can bring up their questions all the 97 00:07:09.759 --> 00:07:15.560 time. More than anything, comfort kids, reassure them, remind them of 98 00:07:15.639 --> 00:07:18.319 all the people in their lives who love them. Indeed, spend time with 99 00:07:18.399 --> 00:07:24.360 all those other people as well, right, and just be patient because they 100 00:07:24.439 --> 00:07:28.519 might act out their feelings. Kids are different than adults. They might start 101 00:07:28.720 --> 00:07:31.360 regressing bed wedding and taking tantrums and doing all kinds of things that you're like, 102 00:07:31.360 --> 00:07:34.079 where did this come from? And that's just the way that their feelings 103 00:07:34.120 --> 00:07:40.399 are working their way out. Right. It's a hard, hard thing to 104 00:07:40.480 --> 00:07:44.199 go through with a family. But I'm not a big believer in lying to 105 00:07:44.279 --> 00:07:48.399 children. I think children sense what's going on. I personally didn't like to 106 00:07:48.439 --> 00:07:51.439 be lied to at the age of thirty, and I know my mom put 107 00:07:51.480 --> 00:07:55.000 them up to it. I'm sure they said. She said, don't tell 108 00:07:55.040 --> 00:07:57.959 her, don't you know? And she was in her own kind of denial 109 00:07:59.120 --> 00:08:03.399 speaking of I don't know if you've been following me online lately, I didn't 110 00:08:03.399 --> 00:08:07.319 go I didn't post very often or more infrequently over the last few months, 111 00:08:07.319 --> 00:08:09.439 And in the last couple of weeks I started posting more frequently back onto the 112 00:08:09.439 --> 00:08:13.480 old TikTok. I guess you know when I feel something might go away. 113 00:08:13.480 --> 00:08:16.360 I might as well just use it till the kids banned. You had a 114 00:08:16.360 --> 00:08:18.279 real hot take on j Loo and I watched that video from beginning to end, 115 00:08:18.319 --> 00:08:22.199 like I don't agree, but I wasn't gonna I was. I wasn't 116 00:08:22.199 --> 00:08:24.079 gonna come in, but I was like, that's it. That's a perspective. 117 00:08:24.199 --> 00:08:26.879 I just don't like any human being ganged up on on them. Yeah, 118 00:08:26.879 --> 00:08:31.240 and Jlo right now they are beating up on her and myself having been 119 00:08:31.279 --> 00:08:35.679 attacked by trolls and the general public who don't agree with me so many times, 120 00:08:37.000 --> 00:08:39.200 I know what an impact is on mental health, and it doesn't make 121 00:08:39.240 --> 00:08:43.200 people nicer. It doesn't being told you're bad doesn't make you better, It 122 00:08:43.240 --> 00:08:46.320 makes you worse. Jenna, guys, so that makes sense. But yeah, 123 00:08:46.320 --> 00:08:48.639 you can go on line and see by Jela. But I've been talking 124 00:08:48.679 --> 00:08:54.080 about my identity transformation that I feel that I've been going through for a couple 125 00:08:54.080 --> 00:08:56.159 of years and I'm not even to the other side yet. So I started 126 00:08:56.159 --> 00:09:01.240 to document it. When we come back, let's talk about identify what is 127 00:09:01.279 --> 00:09:03.519 it? Is it stable? What are the things that change it across the 128 00:09:03.559 --> 00:09:07.879 lifespan you are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. 129 00:09:07.879 --> 00:09:15.200 We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh 130 00:09:15.240 --> 00:09:20.159 on demand from KFI AM six forty. AFI AM six forty. You have 131 00:09:20.200 --> 00:09:24.320 Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. Kayla, what a great song that put me 132 00:09:24.320 --> 00:09:26.919 in a good mood right there. It's a feel good song that got me 133 00:09:28.000 --> 00:09:31.320 through my identity crisis right there. You know, I am a professor of 134 00:09:31.360 --> 00:09:37.039 psychology and one of the things I teach is developmental psychology, and as part 135 00:09:37.080 --> 00:09:41.399 of that program, we talk about identity. What is identity? You ask, 136 00:09:41.639 --> 00:09:46.120 well, identity is who we feel, what we feel like. I 137 00:09:46.159 --> 00:09:50.200 remember when I took my very first psychology class. We had to go around 138 00:09:50.279 --> 00:09:52.799 and introduce ourselves and there was a girl in the back and they said and 139 00:09:52.840 --> 00:09:56.559 she said her name, and they had to say something like something about ourselves 140 00:09:56.600 --> 00:10:01.159 and why we're here or something, and she's I said, well, I 141 00:10:01.279 --> 00:10:05.720 lost my job and it has been my career for years, so I lost 142 00:10:05.759 --> 00:10:09.320 my identity. So I'm trying to figure out who I am. And at 143 00:10:09.320 --> 00:10:11.679 the time, I was like, wait, a job is something you do 144 00:10:11.840 --> 00:10:16.159 it's not who you are, but for many people it is who they are. 145 00:10:16.519 --> 00:10:22.440 Right, So identity can be this mosaic picture of all kinds of pieces 146 00:10:22.480 --> 00:10:28.879 of you and your values. You might self identify based on your gender, 147 00:10:28.399 --> 00:10:35.919 your politics, your religion, your sexual orientation, your age, your marital 148 00:10:35.960 --> 00:10:39.960 status, whether you're a parent or not, maybe your health. I'm always 149 00:10:41.000 --> 00:10:45.840 concerned with people who identify with their disease, like I'm a diabetic instead of 150 00:10:45.879 --> 00:10:50.440 I have diabetes. It's a big difference, big difference. Of course, 151 00:10:50.559 --> 00:10:54.080 jobs, careers, moves where you're from, people identify you. Know. 152 00:10:54.120 --> 00:10:56.279 You'll hear people saying, well, I'm from the Midwest, right, or 153 00:10:56.320 --> 00:11:01.679 I'm this way right. Somehow we find a way to create a composite picture 154 00:11:01.679 --> 00:11:07.360 of ourselves and this is who we believe we are. But here's the thing. 155 00:11:07.919 --> 00:11:13.279 Identity isn't stable. It's shifting ever so slightly across the lifespan. As 156 00:11:13.320 --> 00:11:16.519 we age, as we get more education, as we get married, as 157 00:11:16.559 --> 00:11:20.919 we get divorced. Right, this changes our sense of self, our identity. 158 00:11:20.919 --> 00:11:24.039 We have a baby, all of a sudden, we're parents, right, 159 00:11:24.080 --> 00:11:28.679 and it's a big life change. Right. So the developmental famous developmental 160 00:11:28.720 --> 00:11:37.879 psychologist Eric Erickson referred to an identity crisis as a period of internal conflict and 161 00:11:37.039 --> 00:11:43.320 confusion about our own self, identity and a role in life. Now here's 162 00:11:43.360 --> 00:11:46.960 how I know I've been in an identity crisis in the past couple years. 163 00:11:46.039 --> 00:11:50.080 Or transformation. Let's call it transformation, folks. Is It starts out with 164 00:11:50.120 --> 00:11:54.639 clothing. Everything I try on doesn't feel right or look right. Then I 165 00:11:54.679 --> 00:11:56.919 go shopping and I can't figure out what I want. And that's a great 166 00:11:58.000 --> 00:12:01.480 example of I don't know who I am. I am I don't know what 167 00:12:01.919 --> 00:12:03.960 And for many women, for instance, you know, you'll hear women get 168 00:12:03.960 --> 00:12:09.360 criticized for being what do they call it, a sheep in Lamb's clothing or 169 00:12:09.399 --> 00:12:13.639 whatever, mutton and Lamb's clothing, meaning they're dressing too young for their age. 170 00:12:13.879 --> 00:12:16.320 Now, there are no rules. There should not be any rules, 171 00:12:16.360 --> 00:12:18.000 and we should not judge women for whatever they want to do. But when 172 00:12:18.000 --> 00:12:22.879 I do see an older woman, you know, plastic surgery up and wearing 173 00:12:22.919 --> 00:12:26.360 stuff and trying to you know, it's like she's fighting the fact that you 174 00:12:26.440 --> 00:12:31.039 know, your identity is changing. When Williams was a huge advocate of that, 175 00:12:31.320 --> 00:12:33.879 being in her sixties fifties, and just wearing the Daisy Duke shorts and 176 00:12:33.960 --> 00:12:37.600 the sexy tops and you just thought it looked amazing. What do they They 177 00:12:37.600 --> 00:12:41.159 could look amazing, but what are they clinging to? Are they denying their 178 00:12:41.200 --> 00:12:43.399 wisdom and their new status in life, or maybe they're just clinging and doing 179 00:12:43.440 --> 00:12:48.159 to youth being sexy and feeling sexy, being youthful. And if they lose 180 00:12:48.279 --> 00:12:52.639 their idea of their value as a sex object, what value are they adopting? 181 00:12:52.960 --> 00:12:58.279 Right, That's the main thing. So I would say the biggest identity 182 00:12:58.320 --> 00:13:03.559 crisis that I went through in my life was definitely the transition from hot TV 183 00:13:03.679 --> 00:13:09.480 babe to mother because the hormonal changes of my brain were ginormous and no one 184 00:13:09.519 --> 00:13:13.600 could seem to see it. I had friends say, you need to come 185 00:13:13.679 --> 00:13:16.320 out with us. I don't want you to get that mom. Look you 186 00:13:16.639 --> 00:13:20.120 no, you need to still be hot, and you need to know get 187 00:13:20.159 --> 00:13:22.240 a babysitter. You can do it. And I just didn't want to. 188 00:13:22.279 --> 00:13:24.519 You know, I didn't have my first baby till I was like thirty six, 189 00:13:24.600 --> 00:13:30.360 so I had seen everything. There's nothing going on outside my doors that 190 00:13:30.480 --> 00:13:33.240 I had not seen. Right, And I can have a funny story when 191 00:13:33.240 --> 00:13:39.440 I had the full premonition like a year or two, maybe just a few 192 00:13:39.440 --> 00:13:41.639 months before that. That New Year's Eve, I drove with a young TV 193 00:13:41.720 --> 00:13:45.639 host who I had been hosting a few shows with, and he and I 194 00:13:45.759 --> 00:13:48.919 drove to Vegas to do He had like a big suite because he knew these 195 00:13:48.919 --> 00:13:50.759 football players. Is college I don't know what it was, but anyway, 196 00:13:50.960 --> 00:13:54.480 so we were on New Year's Eve in Vegas. I was thirty five years 197 00:13:54.519 --> 00:13:58.759 old. We were up in this VIP section. We were looking down on 198 00:13:58.799 --> 00:14:01.960 the whole crowd. Now, remember I was modeling when I was a teenager. 199 00:14:01.000 --> 00:14:03.960 I was cocktail waitrons by the time I was seventeen. You just needed 200 00:14:03.960 --> 00:14:07.240 to show fake Ida no and even asked for ID. What am I saying? 201 00:14:07.240 --> 00:14:09.279 You just said you were eighteen? Anyway, So I had been in 202 00:14:09.399 --> 00:14:13.799 nightclubs with fake ID since I was fifteen. And I remember looking down on 203 00:14:13.840 --> 00:14:18.840 this scene and saying to myself, I've seen this for twenty years now. 204 00:14:20.519 --> 00:14:24.240 There's nothing new here. And I said to my friend, I'm going back 205 00:14:24.279 --> 00:14:26.879 to the room. We'll drive back tomorrow together. He's like what, And 206 00:14:26.919 --> 00:14:28.879 I remember him the look on his face, like what are you doing? 207 00:14:28.120 --> 00:14:31.960 Because he was younger than I, and he was just so excited that this 208 00:14:31.039 --> 00:14:33.960 hole was happening. All the celebrities were hanging out with I'm like, nah, 209 00:14:35.000 --> 00:14:41.039 I'm done by the way that guy was Ryan Seacrest so funny. He 210 00:14:41.440 --> 00:14:46.159 doesn't know he was my premonition or not premonition, what's the word transformation? 211 00:14:46.279 --> 00:14:48.720 Like, that's just moment, my epiphany, that moment. So that was 212 00:14:48.759 --> 00:14:52.200 my first when I settled down to my babies. And I always was known 213 00:14:52.240 --> 00:14:56.679 for my long blonde hair, which I have it back now, but I 214 00:14:56.759 --> 00:15:00.840 cut my hair short and dyed it brown because you probably know my kids are 215 00:15:00.840 --> 00:15:05.039 biracial, and it really I wanted my kids to be like I wanted people 216 00:15:05.080 --> 00:15:07.320 to know, there's my baby. And everyone kept saying everywhere I go, 217 00:15:07.440 --> 00:15:11.440 oh, what country did you adopt your baby from? And I just kept 218 00:15:11.440 --> 00:15:13.639 hearing it over and over again. So once I got my hair short and 219 00:15:13.759 --> 00:15:18.679 dark, it was a little less often, you know, or they'd say 220 00:15:18.720 --> 00:15:20.240 they try to find funny ways to say it, like where did your baby 221 00:15:20.360 --> 00:15:24.440 get her carls from? And I'd go, well, actually, mine, 222 00:15:24.480 --> 00:15:26.879 I have a flat iron, but my hair's curly. I love that. 223 00:15:26.919 --> 00:15:30.159 My friend who has inter racial kids goes through the same thing, like they 224 00:15:30.200 --> 00:15:31.559 don't think that her kids are hers either. Yeah, very sad. It's 225 00:15:31.559 --> 00:15:35.480 a weird feeling if you want your kids to be like you. But I 226 00:15:35.519 --> 00:15:39.120 do remember doing the I don't know who I am stage and it affected my 227 00:15:39.240 --> 00:15:43.720 work because a lot of the producers wanted to have that hot TV thing or 228 00:15:43.720 --> 00:15:46.159 whatever. So anyway, I'm going through another one. I don't know what's 229 00:15:46.159 --> 00:15:50.679 prompted it. It might be age. No, I think it's that the 230 00:15:50.200 --> 00:15:54.799 last baby's about to leave the nest soon, and also my age, and 231 00:15:54.840 --> 00:16:00.679 so I've been questioning my own self identity. I see many people women who 232 00:16:00.759 --> 00:16:04.399 I went through the TV business with. Don't imagine I'm saying it to you 233 00:16:04.480 --> 00:16:11.759 if you're listening, Okay, looking like flippin' cartoons on social media, the 234 00:16:11.759 --> 00:16:18.879 pressure to look young and sexy, the plastic surgery, the makeup, the 235 00:16:18.879 --> 00:16:26.200 botox, the fake eyelashes, the filters, the girdles, theo spanks, 236 00:16:26.919 --> 00:16:30.840 everything they're doing. I'm just like, ladies, you're in your fifties. 237 00:16:30.360 --> 00:16:33.960 I know you look beautiful, but what is the value of trying to look 238 00:16:34.000 --> 00:16:41.919 twenty? What is the value we need you as the wise voice and the 239 00:16:41.960 --> 00:16:48.360 supreme mind in the village, not someone who's trying to compete with the twenty 240 00:16:48.440 --> 00:16:52.159 year olds. Like honestly, so I look at all those peer women and 241 00:16:52.279 --> 00:16:56.559 I know they're under pressure to be those things. So it's not their fault. 242 00:16:56.559 --> 00:16:59.600 They're a victim of their society and their culture. And I say, 243 00:16:59.600 --> 00:17:03.279 that's not me. It's just not me. So I've been starting to do 244 00:17:03.319 --> 00:17:07.440 more social media with less makeup or no makeup. Gone are the days that 245 00:17:07.480 --> 00:17:12.480 eyelashes will ever go on me? Again? Why bother? I do feel 246 00:17:12.559 --> 00:17:18.039 some weird like feelings of where am I going, What's next, what's my 247 00:17:18.119 --> 00:17:22.480 next act, et cetera. And it's fun, it's fun to experiment, 248 00:17:22.599 --> 00:17:26.799 but there are moments where I'm just like, you know, what is it 249 00:17:26.839 --> 00:17:30.160 all for? So the reason why I'm sharing this with you, by the 250 00:17:30.160 --> 00:17:36.559 way, is because think about your life. Think about the identity transformations you 251 00:17:36.640 --> 00:17:38.680 might have gone through before. Oh. Also, when I got my doctorate, 252 00:17:38.720 --> 00:17:42.960 that was a big identity transformation and it was really now I'm not just 253 00:17:42.960 --> 00:17:47.799 a TV host girl. Now I'm a mother and a PhD. And that 254 00:17:47.920 --> 00:17:51.839 was a really like self confidence boosting one. But now I'm kind of like 255 00:17:51.960 --> 00:17:55.640 I'm about to be a married woman, and maybe that's what's causing this, 256 00:17:56.039 --> 00:18:00.279 the wedding this summer. I haven't been married for decades and decades, uh 257 00:18:00.759 --> 00:18:04.640 like four decades. Oh my god, that's so exciting. You know. 258 00:18:04.680 --> 00:18:08.880 One of the things I say about relationships like my relationship with Julio, is 259 00:18:08.880 --> 00:18:15.400 that it is an exchange of care. But love relationships shouldn't be really, 260 00:18:15.480 --> 00:18:22.559 really transactional. While there are other relationships that I think is perfectly okay. 261 00:18:22.839 --> 00:18:26.720 If you guys are transactional, I'll explain what I mean when we come back. 262 00:18:26.000 --> 00:18:30.680 There's certain relationships it's okay to do quid pro quo, but not you 263 00:18:30.759 --> 00:18:34.000 love relationships. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and KFI AM six 264 00:18:34.160 --> 00:18:41.200 forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on 265 00:18:41.279 --> 00:18:47.680 demand from KFI AM six forty AFI Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy 266 00:18:47.720 --> 00:18:52.160 Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. It sounds negative, 267 00:18:52.160 --> 00:18:56.920 but when you say to somebody, oh, that relationship so transactional, 268 00:18:56.680 --> 00:19:00.440 it sounds critical. Right. You know what I'm talking about a kind of 269 00:19:00.480 --> 00:19:07.640 relationship where people do something for another person, they're keeping score. They expect 270 00:19:07.720 --> 00:19:12.119 something in return. It's a real give and take a bit of a quid 271 00:19:12.599 --> 00:19:18.759 pro quo. Each person's there to help each other out. Like all scratch 272 00:19:18.799 --> 00:19:22.640 your back if you scratch mine. You know, there are some relationships actually 273 00:19:23.680 --> 00:19:32.480 that a transactional relationship works. So let's talk about which ones work for sure? 274 00:19:32.839 --> 00:19:37.359 In business, think about it. You keep a bunch of business contacts 275 00:19:37.400 --> 00:19:40.640 because you send your friend clients, and then you know that your friend's going 276 00:19:40.680 --> 00:19:45.640 to send you clients and your business later. Right, we're there for a 277 00:19:45.680 --> 00:19:49.000 transaction when people go to work. I know you love your co workers. 278 00:19:49.160 --> 00:19:52.039 I don't know you have good friends there, But if you were not paid, 279 00:19:52.079 --> 00:19:56.000 you probably would not go to work, right, it's a transaction. 280 00:19:56.559 --> 00:20:00.559 You give your hours, your talent, your time, they give you money. 281 00:20:00.200 --> 00:20:07.079 And so there are many workplace relationships that are friendly what I call it 282 00:20:07.160 --> 00:20:11.319 friends with benefits, because if you stopped providing to that workplace person, it 283 00:20:11.359 --> 00:20:14.839 might not even be in the workplace. It might be like another friend that 284 00:20:14.880 --> 00:20:18.400 you're giving business context too. If you stop that, then that relationship was 285 00:20:18.440 --> 00:20:22.880 only based on that. It might just go away. And that's okay. 286 00:20:23.480 --> 00:20:27.680 Another place where transactional relationships happen all the time we're seeing it all over the 287 00:20:27.680 --> 00:20:34.160 news is in politics. Of course, when lobbyists give money to a politician, 288 00:20:34.240 --> 00:20:37.960 they expect that that politician is going to vote for the things they care 289 00:20:38.039 --> 00:20:45.480 about. Right, So in politics it is very common, even between heads 290 00:20:45.480 --> 00:20:52.960 of states in different countries internationally, very transactional relationships. They have agreements with 291 00:20:52.000 --> 00:20:59.119 each other, there's given takes. Right now, Let's talk about friendships for 292 00:20:59.200 --> 00:21:07.680 a minute. A close intimate friendship should never be transactional. But there are 293 00:21:07.720 --> 00:21:11.799 lots of different kinds of friends. Some of your friends might be just social 294 00:21:11.839 --> 00:21:15.559 connectors, people that know good people. You know, I was actually reading 295 00:21:15.559 --> 00:21:21.960 this article a research study and which kinds of friendships help people live the longest, 296 00:21:22.039 --> 00:21:27.920 have the longest lives. And so they compared close intimate friends, sort 297 00:21:27.920 --> 00:21:34.400 of distant casual friends, and then how many friends, et cetera. Guess 298 00:21:34.400 --> 00:21:40.400 what they found out. The people who had the most not intimate friends, 299 00:21:41.000 --> 00:21:45.920 but sort of a wide social network tended to live the longest. You know 300 00:21:45.000 --> 00:21:49.359 why, because they had a built in referral system. You need a doctor, 301 00:21:49.599 --> 00:21:52.960 you need a lawyer, you need a specialist. Call your friend, 302 00:21:52.000 --> 00:21:56.480 Your friend knows somebody you need a contractor for your house, call your friend. 303 00:21:56.640 --> 00:22:00.680 Your friend's got something right. So, people who are able to maintain 304 00:22:00.680 --> 00:22:07.119 wide social networks they don't have to be intimate friends can be really really beneficial 305 00:22:07.119 --> 00:22:11.240 to us. And those are those are kinds of transactional relationships. Well, 306 00:22:11.960 --> 00:22:17.240 you know, there is some positive things about having a transactional relationship. First 307 00:22:17.240 --> 00:22:19.519 of all, everybody knows the rules. You're not assuming. I mean, 308 00:22:19.559 --> 00:22:26.839 it only becomes a little bit weird if you think that it's a real friendship. 309 00:22:26.839 --> 00:22:29.440 When I say real, they're all real. Uh. You think it's 310 00:22:29.480 --> 00:22:33.480 an intimate friendship that's based on emotional needs and emotional commitment to each other, 311 00:22:33.920 --> 00:22:37.559 when actually it's transactional. So as long as both people know it's transactional, 312 00:22:37.880 --> 00:22:42.200 then it's the rules are clear, there's mutual give and take, the expectations 313 00:22:42.240 --> 00:22:48.960 are very clear. These kinds of relationships are productive, they're efficient, everybody 314 00:22:48.960 --> 00:22:53.839 knows what's expected of them. And also they're obviously very helpful in supporting your 315 00:22:53.880 --> 00:23:03.039 goals. But there there's a downside. All your relationships are transactional, you're 316 00:23:03.079 --> 00:23:11.559 emotionally avoiding you're emotionally avoiding real intimacy and closeness. Right, So when you 317 00:23:11.640 --> 00:23:18.759 have a lot of transactional friendships and business friendships, you've got shallow interactions and 318 00:23:18.799 --> 00:23:23.240 you're thinking in your mind all the time about keeping score. What do I 319 00:23:23.279 --> 00:23:27.559 owe that person? What did they do for me? And that becomes the 320 00:23:27.599 --> 00:23:34.279 weight that you value the friendship. Also, maybe you're in a transactional relationship 321 00:23:34.279 --> 00:23:38.000 and you're doing more than the other person, so you feel completely undervalued in 322 00:23:38.039 --> 00:23:47.400 that sense. And the other thing that often happens with transaction transactional relationships is 323 00:23:47.440 --> 00:23:51.720 that they tend to be short term because they're just looking at the immediate right, 324 00:23:51.799 --> 00:23:56.039 So that's kind of the downside. Now in love relationships, I have 325 00:23:56.279 --> 00:24:04.240 always said that love relationships are an exchange of care. That care can take 326 00:24:04.519 --> 00:24:10.599 many, many, many forms. That care might be financial care. It 327 00:24:10.680 --> 00:24:15.599 might be sexual care. It might be affection. It might be instrumental care 328 00:24:15.640 --> 00:24:18.960 when someone's sick and caring for them. It might be childcare. It might 329 00:24:19.039 --> 00:24:26.000 be intellectual stimulation care, it might be domestic responsibility, division of household labor. 330 00:24:26.759 --> 00:24:33.599 All that is care, but it's not keeping score, right, it's 331 00:24:33.640 --> 00:24:38.119 not transactional. So I don't want to say that all transactional relationships are bad 332 00:24:38.440 --> 00:24:45.000 obviously. Workplace politics, lightweight social friends all good places to kind of keep 333 00:24:45.039 --> 00:24:47.440 score and go ash. I keep that person around, Is she give them 334 00:24:47.440 --> 00:24:48.359 that much? To me? I think I'm doing more for her, whatever. 335 00:24:48.839 --> 00:24:55.359 But when it comes to our more intimate relationships, you can't keep score. 336 00:24:56.160 --> 00:25:00.359 You can't. It can't be transactional. Now you have they have been 337 00:25:00.440 --> 00:25:04.319 raised in a family of origin where your family talk that way. You know, 338 00:25:04.400 --> 00:25:07.039 well, you do this, they've got to do that. Well, 339 00:25:07.039 --> 00:25:08.400 if you pay that, they've got to pay that, et cetera. Right, 340 00:25:08.960 --> 00:25:15.319 but real love. You know what someone asked me recently, doctor Wendy, 341 00:25:15.839 --> 00:25:19.440 why would you, in your status of life not marry a man who's 342 00:25:19.640 --> 00:25:22.720 rich. Don't you need a rich man? I'm like, I don't. 343 00:25:23.119 --> 00:25:30.519 It's about love, it's about caring. It's about doing all those other things 344 00:25:30.640 --> 00:25:34.000 in the relationship that literally the caring. I do. Want to just throw 345 00:25:34.039 --> 00:25:37.440 in a little commercial for Julio. I've never met a man who cleans house 346 00:25:37.480 --> 00:25:41.160 so well in my whole life. You know, it's not transactional, but 347 00:25:41.240 --> 00:25:45.240 I'm sure glad he does it. I cook, he does the dishes afterwards. 348 00:25:45.559 --> 00:25:49.440 I like that. So when we come back. Let's continue to talk 349 00:25:49.599 --> 00:25:55.480 about this and an interesting video I saw this week with Rene Brown talked about 350 00:25:55.519 --> 00:25:59.960 this eighty twenty rule in her own marriage, and it's something we should adopt 351 00:26:00.559 --> 00:26:03.960 instead of trying to be fifty to fifty all the time and always trying to 352 00:26:04.079 --> 00:26:08.279 keep score. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM 353 00:26:08.319 --> 00:26:12.960 six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor 354 00:26:14.079 --> 00:26:18.839 Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. KFI AM six forty, 355 00:26:18.839 --> 00:26:22.119 you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. 356 00:26:22.119 --> 00:26:25.599 I'd like to welcome my TikTok audience. If you would like to come 357 00:26:25.599 --> 00:26:27.759 into our studio and see what we're doing here, just log onto TikTok. 358 00:26:29.119 --> 00:26:33.440 My account is at doctor Wendy Walsh. That at Dr Wendy Walsh. Just 359 00:26:33.480 --> 00:26:37.680 want to let everybody know after I talk about this segment about why love relationship 360 00:26:37.720 --> 00:26:41.240 should not be transactional, I am going to be taking your calls live. 361 00:26:41.279 --> 00:26:44.880 So if you have a relationship question, you are welcome to call in the 362 00:26:44.960 --> 00:26:48.240 numbers one, eight hundred five two zero one five three four. So after 363 00:26:48.240 --> 00:26:52.759 the segment one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. Now, 364 00:26:52.799 --> 00:26:59.799 as I mentioned before the break, transactional relationships do get a bad rap and 365 00:27:00.079 --> 00:27:03.880 they have no place in love relationships, but they're fine sometimes in business and 366 00:27:03.920 --> 00:27:07.480 politics and sort of light social friends. I'll scratch your back, you scratch 367 00:27:07.559 --> 00:27:15.000 mine, et cetera. However, although I mentioned that our love relationships are 368 00:27:15.079 --> 00:27:18.880 an exchange of care, then that care can take so many forms financial, 369 00:27:18.960 --> 00:27:26.000 sexual, childcare, instrumental care, domestic responsibility care, et cetera, all 370 00:27:26.119 --> 00:27:30.240 kinds of different care. It should never be fifty to fifty. I saw 371 00:27:30.279 --> 00:27:34.000 an interesting video I think it was actually on TikTok with Brene Brown this week, 372 00:27:34.240 --> 00:27:38.440 who said that she practices the twenty eighty rule or never the one hundred 373 00:27:38.440 --> 00:27:45.079 percent rule. If anybody thinks that any love relationship is fifty to fifty or 374 00:27:45.119 --> 00:27:48.599 should be fifty to fifty all the time, you're going to have a lot 375 00:27:48.640 --> 00:27:53.279 of problems in your relationships. And so she explained that she and her husband 376 00:27:53.279 --> 00:27:59.279 have a deal that when someone walks in comes home, they say, if 377 00:27:59.319 --> 00:28:03.960 they don't have a full hundred percent to give, they give a percentage they 378 00:28:03.960 --> 00:28:06.119 say, you know what, I'm good for about eighty percent Right now, 379 00:28:06.279 --> 00:28:08.960 I'm in such a bad day, and the other partner says, got you. 380 00:28:10.640 --> 00:28:12.160 I got one hundred and twenty for you. We're in it together. 381 00:28:14.079 --> 00:28:17.279 I want you to think of your relationship as this little pot of gold that 382 00:28:17.359 --> 00:28:22.400 you both pour gold coins into, and some days you can pour a lot 383 00:28:22.440 --> 00:28:29.359 in and other days not so many. Right, And so in your love 384 00:28:29.400 --> 00:28:33.079 life, you never want to keep score to the point that it's always got 385 00:28:33.119 --> 00:28:38.559 to be fifty to fifty. That is a death sentence to a relationship instead 386 00:28:38.559 --> 00:28:44.720 of think of it as this community basket. So there's some things you can 387 00:28:44.759 --> 00:28:49.160 do to not have a what I would call a transactional relationship in your love 388 00:28:49.200 --> 00:28:53.880 life. The first one is I've already mentioned it, and it's really important. 389 00:28:55.480 --> 00:29:00.799 Stop keeping score. And also never use the words always and never look 390 00:29:00.839 --> 00:29:06.240 I said never, never use the words never, try as hard as you 391 00:29:06.319 --> 00:29:10.759 can to not say the words always. En Ever, you always leave me, 392 00:29:11.079 --> 00:29:14.880 la la la whatever, you're always late, or you never take out 393 00:29:14.880 --> 00:29:21.480 the trash, because that's giving somebody a hundred percent and nobody is always one 394 00:29:21.559 --> 00:29:26.319 hundred percent anything, right, So try not to use those words, What 395 00:29:26.359 --> 00:29:30.480 I want you to focus on instead of what you may perceive are the imbalances 396 00:29:30.599 --> 00:29:37.440 of labor is focus on the nurturing, the love, and the mutual trust. 397 00:29:38.279 --> 00:29:42.720 There's so much more in the relationship than oh, what did you do 398 00:29:42.759 --> 00:29:48.920 for me today? Right? Also, you know you're in a relationship with 399 00:29:48.920 --> 00:29:52.440 a human being. No human being is perfect. We are not robots, 400 00:29:53.160 --> 00:29:59.960 which means that you have to learn to embrace imperfection. You have to learn 401 00:30:00.559 --> 00:30:04.000 that people are gonna make mistakes, and that you shouldn't put the weight of 402 00:30:04.240 --> 00:30:14.279 your happiness on somebody else. Remember, another person should never be responsible for 403 00:30:14.559 --> 00:30:19.839 your happiness. Ever, happiness is an inside job. If you're one of 404 00:30:19.880 --> 00:30:26.160 those people, for instance, who's constantly mad at your exes and mad about 405 00:30:26.200 --> 00:30:30.359 relationships that didn't work out, it means you didn't learn how to make yourself 406 00:30:30.400 --> 00:30:34.960 happy. You gave someone else the power. You gave away your power, 407 00:30:36.440 --> 00:30:41.200 right when. Really, happiness is always an inside job, and happy people 408 00:30:41.319 --> 00:30:45.680 tend to have happy relationships. I also think that you should, in your 409 00:30:45.680 --> 00:30:55.279 relationship divide your responsibilities unfairly. In other words, don't divide them based on 410 00:30:55.759 --> 00:30:59.799 well I took out the trash three times this week. You're going to take 411 00:30:59.799 --> 00:31:02.880 it three times next week, and then the fourth time, we're gonna alternate 412 00:31:02.920 --> 00:31:06.400 every other week. I'll do it four times, right. Why don't you 413 00:31:07.279 --> 00:31:15.640 divide things based on somebody's abilities, somebody's preferences, somebody's availability to do it. 414 00:31:15.680 --> 00:31:18.079 If somebody's working long hours, they can't be expected to do as much 415 00:31:18.200 --> 00:31:22.799 in the house. But don't think of it. I was always having to 416 00:31:22.839 --> 00:31:26.799 be fifty to fifty. You know. As I mentioned in my relationship, 417 00:31:26.319 --> 00:31:32.839 I love to cook. I hate to do dishes. And one of the 418 00:31:32.880 --> 00:31:37.559 things I love about my relationship is that after dinner, I take my glass 419 00:31:37.559 --> 00:31:42.000 of wine over to the sofa and I watch a little comedy and I sip 420 00:31:42.079 --> 00:31:45.400 my wine, and in the corner of my eye, I see him over 421 00:31:45.440 --> 00:31:51.039 in the kitchen clean in my pots and pants, and that feels so good. 422 00:31:52.279 --> 00:31:53.640 I'll tell you why it feels good for me, because I would have 423 00:31:53.759 --> 00:31:59.160 never allowed that level of dependency in my past. I would have said, 424 00:31:59.200 --> 00:32:00.000 no, no, let me do it, let me do it. I 425 00:32:00.119 --> 00:32:05.160 was independent to a fault, right, independent to a fault. Think about 426 00:32:05.160 --> 00:32:12.039 it. Also, to keep yourself from keeping score, express gratitude and appreciation, 427 00:32:12.720 --> 00:32:16.160 even for the little things in your relationship, catch your partner being good. 428 00:32:16.839 --> 00:32:20.799 You know why. First of all, they get rewarded for the good 429 00:32:20.839 --> 00:32:22.240 behavior, so they want to do more of that good behavior. So they're 430 00:32:22.279 --> 00:32:27.160 growing in their ability to do nice things. But the other thing it does 431 00:32:27.279 --> 00:32:30.000 is it reminds your own brain. You're hearing the words too. It reminds 432 00:32:30.039 --> 00:32:37.319 your brain of why you're there, right, And so I really caution you 433 00:32:37.920 --> 00:32:40.880 to not have a transactional relationship in your love relationship. Now. Having said 434 00:32:40.880 --> 00:32:47.680 that, this is different from being in a relationship that's completely abusive, where 435 00:32:47.720 --> 00:32:51.640 you have no boundaries, you have no voice, you can't stand up for 436 00:32:51.680 --> 00:32:54.039 yourself, you can't say no, and you're doing ninety percent of the labor 437 00:32:54.119 --> 00:33:00.200 and you're absolutely depleted and you're exhausted. I've been in those kind of relationships 438 00:33:00.240 --> 00:33:04.200 too, especially with little kids. Right by the way, I saw this 439 00:33:04.319 --> 00:33:09.000 very interesting video from you know, there's this trend on social media right now 440 00:33:09.039 --> 00:33:15.400 about being a trad wife, a traditional wife, or a live in girlfriend 441 00:33:15.480 --> 00:33:20.599 or stay stay at home girlfriend. Like somehow young women are bragging that this 442 00:33:20.680 --> 00:33:23.640 is a cool thing. This is the worst job security that exists in our 443 00:33:23.680 --> 00:33:28.319 culture today. I want to say that right now. Don't right now in 444 00:33:28.400 --> 00:33:31.240 twenty twenty four, think your dream is to be a trad wife because the 445 00:33:31.319 --> 00:33:35.599 laws are not protecting you. The lawyers, if you try to go to 446 00:33:35.640 --> 00:33:38.200 divorce court, will make the most money out of anybody. There's no job 447 00:33:38.240 --> 00:33:44.720 security in this. So I saw this divorce attorney online saying that he had 448 00:33:44.720 --> 00:33:49.039 this great idea. If you do want to be a trad wife or one 449 00:33:49.079 --> 00:33:51.759 partner whatever your gender, wants to stay home and take care of children, 450 00:33:51.759 --> 00:33:54.920 which is very valuable important work, set up a separate bank account in that 451 00:33:54.960 --> 00:33:59.720 person's name who's doing the work, and every week get a paycheck that's only 452 00:33:59.720 --> 00:34:02.200 in your name, a paycheck, because that's the only way you're ever going 453 00:34:02.279 --> 00:34:06.240 to get it back. But anyway, don't think of fifty to fifty. 454 00:34:07.000 --> 00:34:09.920 But if you're in a ninety ten relationship, ask yourself why you're there? 455 00:34:10.480 --> 00:34:14.960 Why you're there? All right? When we come back, I will be 456 00:34:15.000 --> 00:34:17.519 taking your relationship calls. Remember I'm a psychology professor, not a therapist, 457 00:34:17.760 --> 00:34:21.480 but I have a lot of life experience and some wisdom. I've written three 458 00:34:21.480 --> 00:34:24.559 books on relationships. I did my dissertation on attachment theory, and I would 459 00:34:24.639 --> 00:34:28.719 love to weigh in with the science of love. Pick up the phone. 460 00:34:28.719 --> 00:34:30.880 Producer Kayle's going to answer right now. The numbers one eight hundred five two 461 00:34:31.039 --> 00:34:36.360 zero one five three four. That's one eight hundred five to zero, one 462 00:34:36.440 --> 00:34:39.800 five three four. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI 463 00:34:39.960 --> 00:34:46.360 AM six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to 464 00:34:46.400 --> 00:34:50.840 Doctor Wendy Waalsh. You can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty 465 00:34:50.880 --> 00:34:54.920 from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.