This is a downbeat on ninety seven to one the freak Yes, Yes,
Daniel Gafford of the MAVs calls him ninety five today. Be good to catch
up with him tomorrow. Eight. Do not miss the downbeat singing box of
chocolates in honor of Valentine's Day, which is here, and because tomorrow's Valentine's
Day, let's play the feud. Oh okay, all right? The National
Retail Federation. Seven answers are on the board. The National Retail Federation.
What are the top seven things people are planning to purchase for Valentine's Day tomorrow?
Mike Alexa, No, that was my calling name. Oh no,
I don't think they could have purchase the be flowers. Correct, that's the
number three answer. More Danny can top it? Uh box oh chocolate,
Number one answer on the board. Candy bull Shark kids are in play here
too. I would imagine I'm guessing. I don't know how many answers are
on the board. Seven pass play. I would like to play a right.
I typically would pass next answer. But I'm so good at Valentine's Day.
But I'm so look at my dating history. I know how to keep
them around all right, let's go with card Mmmm yeah, number seven.
Okay, what's the thing. Those are hard to get, harder to do
than you thought. Yeah, card to seven. Yeah, and box of
Oh this is stupid. Talk to the porderline a joke like flowers. I'd
like to keep going. Yeah, you know, I just greeting cards number
two, gift cards seven, so you get two of them? Well,
I was gonna guess gift cards. I swear to God. Gift cards.
Oh, let's go with jewelry. Jewelry number five? You four and six?
Left? Yep, dude, you're doing great, and you know what
I'm pulling for you, even though we're against each other. We're gonna go
with perfume. Oh hmm, what about men's cologne? National Retail Federation Top
seven things people will buy? Affordable affordable men's cologne, A quick trip Enforcement
FORCEMN for Valentine's Days? Right, and this is the gifts that you would
give to somebody for Valentine Today? I had an answer, no vamping.
I'm gonna say a massage, right, might be ready to steal. If
he doesn't get it, you can steal. Okay, okay, so we
what are the answers? On the board four and six. No, no,
no, the ones up. You're getting candy, greeting cards, flowers,
jewelry and gift cards. I'm gonna go with cigarettes. Cigarettes. That's
good, Mike, you can steal. I was gonna go cigarettes. I'm
not really ready repeat the question and all the answers that are on the board.
No, no, I'm just kidding, miss top seven things people are
gonna buy on Valentine's DA, according to the National Retail Federation, Food m
Mike Winds are eating out number four. What does that have to do with
food eating out? All right, that's enough, let's do the next category.
No, we're not doing printer so that's interesting though, I'm not really
This was the last one there. Oh the last one was let me guess
was it? Was it printer cartridges? It was jewelry. We got jewelry.
Okay, then it was clothing. Clothing, Oh yeah, oh maybe
it didn't have to be but yeah, maybe with a plunging bust line.
All right, Christina's out there like working, so I don't think she's listening.
Should I go by like the most insane, floodiest piece of lingerie and
give it like either live on the air or for you to wear. I'm
talking something that covers nothing. Yeah, maybe the real body. Yeah,
like I mean not sexy, not good. It's basically two clasps in a
strap on that something with the most giant rap. You get her, You
get her, She's like, I mean thank you, or get her the
gifts that I guess that didn't make the list, get her carton, a
SIGs cigarette and some printer carts in like a heart shaped box. Thank you,
and decide to downbeat singing boxes of chocolate for you that you get your
local. I got a text from my friends over at or rapp a Hoe
Laurel and they are carrying they got their first shipment in today already, so
they'll put them on the shelf. Oh really Yeah, so we're on Sane
Do on sale at Arapa Hoe Floral. Yeah. But the and it's just
downbeat singing box one hundred and forty nine paysos. You can get one.
I just can picture a loose box with a few loose cigarettes in it and
two printer cartridges. I like refraditioned ones, wink a small miniature bottle of
Jack the tiny ones. So a couple of weeks ago I lost a bed.
You just wink into the seed Lamb first down celebration. Yeah, I
do the point to the toward the bedroom. Huh, go to the bathroom,
into the bathroom, what do you do? I'm romantic, That's what
I'm doing. A couple of weeks ago, I lost to bet unfortunately,
because we bet on the thirty wrestlers who were gonna do Royal Rumble, Ye
Royal Rumble. We chose random numbers or however it worked, so you didn't
even know who your guy was until they came out. They came down the
tunnel, their music hit, and I forgot your name KT Kevin, KT
got Cody Rhodes, yep. I don't know what number he came out,
but fifteen in the middle end up winning the damn Rumble, winning the g
d Rumble. And that's how it worked is the winner was actually the loser
in this. So you had a pretty significant bet payoff. And because adult
film star Jesse Jane from More, Oklahoma passed away a couple of weeks ago,
we did a little mini segment on her, her life, her career,
what she's meant to the state of Oklahoma. Yeah, and we learned
or knew off the top of her head that she starred in the hit two
thousand and five movie Pirates. Yes, yeah, which at the time the
most expensive porno ever made. I think over over one million dollar budget for
Pirates at the time. I mean surely that changed very quickly. Well,
the artist it says Pirates too, Stagnate's Revenge is an eight million dollar movie,
which I don't know if that's number one. Now we can do the
research. Because of the success of Pirates, they were able to spend a
little more money. That means I had to watch it, review it,
pull audio from it the whold nine yards before you get to your review an
audio, Can I ask one probing question that America wants to know? What
was your What was your overall feeling before, during, and after? Just
overall vibe? What were you thinking? How did you process this? I
know you watched it in two separate sessions. You were not allowed to take
breaks for self flagellation. Yeah, you had to just watch it like you
would any other film. Come in here and review it and play some favorite
cuts from the audio. What was your just how are you feeling just watching
this movie by yourself? Well? I also was like, is this going
to be able to be better than Saltburn? Is it kind of where I
had it stacked up? Like, you know? Is it? So it?
First of all, I had to do it during the week, and
you kind of got to do that when you're home alone. You don't want
to just be blaring that in front of everyone. And you live with your
fiance. Yeah, and it's just weird, you know, if she have
consistent hours where she's not there. Yeah, okay, so there you go.
I just picture her coming home and him clicking off, slamming the laptop
show. What are you doing? Well? Not enough for you. I
don't like doing anything when it comes to that on my laptop. I don't
want to slow down all the work I do in my laptop. So that
was problem number one. Well, the problem number one is that it's a
two hour and eight minute movie that I don't have time for. It's hard
enough for me to catch up on TV. I'm still two episodes behind on
A True Detective. I gotta spend two hours catching up on TV shows that
I want to watch. Nope, nope, nop here comes this. So
that sucked. Then you got to figure out where am I going to find
this, and I'd like to find this without paying for it. It'd be
nice because if you'd like to go to Amazon, you can definitely order a
DVD copy of Pirates okay. Yeah, and you can pay twenty five dollars
for it, okay, and then you have it forever. They're trying to
make back a million bucks. Dude, Well, I'm now though post mortem.
No, I'm like, I don't want to spend that money on that.
So what site did you use? This is interesting. I'm trying to
go to my full history now to find just search pirates. Well, it's
no because there's a specific site where the pop ups on the side were shady,
but it was I was able to, you know, throw it in
and then ca incognito browser. The thing is, when I'm pulling audio,
I cannot do it in the incognito browser on the main page to pull audio
the way I use and I ain't. The website was called Porner Porner,
Yeah, something like that. The pop ups on the side were the most
shocking thing you've ever seen. And they're watching a MAVs game with me.
Yeah I know, yeah, I know, But it was a guy on
the side. I had a ten second video of him with a flashlight.
Okay, just like ten seconds, thank god, and over and over again.
So you're watching the movie and then you're over here. I mean,
you're suffering through this, your wing. You should be. It should not
be fun. Okay, there you go, there, play and here come
the credits, and god, two hours and eight minutes, and I'm like,
okay, there's gonna be some funny lines here like this, it's gonna
be kind of good, right, yeah, definitely. It starts out with
two and a half minutes of credits. They just take forever, and all
you hear in the background while that's happening is this, I've been so yess
Jane. That's awesome. Okay, because there showing pictures of them, we're
already getting Fernando Villain's way. How much do they pay the cellist? It's
a lot of money. So then we have a little short scene between a
good looking, handsome sailor and Jesse Jane and they've gotten married. Darn a
ship here. They've gotten married, but he'd never seen her naked before.
Okay, you know, and this is like in the eighteen hundred. Seventeen
hundreds are supposed to be a botle. Yeah. I don't think they specified
the century. It's more just we're pirates. Yeah, but they're dressed in
the apparently they had breasting plants in the eighteen fifties, so they had gotten
married. Never seen her neck before, so then they do it. It
is like a ten minute sex scene. I mean not really because it's just
it's just it's overdone. You know. Look, I'm not a big post
production fan here, you know, but still hot sex. Kevin, Your
spy glass was not extended. It was not. It was not the captain
spy glass I heard. It's kind of like grabbing my phone and looking at
the check Twitter. So then he goes up to talk to the captain and
the Captain's like, you shouldn't be You shouldn't be up here. Uh did
I to? That's your special night. You should be down there with your
new bride. He's like, yeah, I guess. So so he goes
back down to the poop deck it's hanging out with but so he then starts
to tend to her needs again same too. And while that's going on,
yeah, same too, which we hardly ever see a back to back.
But they don't get to get going because the boat is hijacked by a band
of pirates. Oh hell yeah, well you know the leader is Stagneti,
who you're about to meet. They'll hijack live spots too. There was one
pirate who didn't have legs. It was just a torso what hopping and that
was insane. Starts slitting throats and okay, they're looking for trouble. This
is where I take you to the intro to Stagnetti. This is the evil
villain who has hijacked the boat, an handsome man and Jesse James. Who's
he played by? Did you get an actor's name on Stagnetti? Yeah?
So the thing that's tough on this I got it, Tommy gunn uh no,
tom Captain Eric Victor Stagneti. Okay, thank you. That's very helpful.
Actual two ends because there are a couple actresses who kind of look the
same too. And you you recognize him, go play it you will,
Okay, yes, you would know this guy. Actually, this is the
intro to Stagnetti. Wind up the crew on the bow, bring me the
passengers from the deck below. There's no need for this violent game, sir,
sir, ahoy me, hearties, my name is Captain Victor Stagnetti.
Usually this sort of incursion ends with individuals such as yourselves decapitated, with your
heads floating in a sea for sharks to devour. However, will the man
with the name Manuel Valezuela stepped forward to reveal himself what a pretty pearl necklace?
Okay? It cuts to a girl wearing a pearl necklace. One,
yes, that's not I'm Manuel Venezuela, and then he throws her all overboard.
Thank you, gentleman for your time. You may go your merry way.
Semen. The end of the show ex on the you may go your
merry way scene. Okay, sounds like a bad dude. Yeah yeah,
all right, talk's real fast and like he's reading it. Yeah, the
glass eye does. It's very distracting. So he pushes her off and they
she says she's under the open water, and then he sinks the ship and
it's the worst cgi you've ever seen in your life. It is bad.
Well, then we go to the intro. They kind of kind of remove
you and take you to another ship out of nowhere, and this is Evan
Stone's crew. Now I don't know what Evanstone's character's name is probably I don't
remember Captain Edward Reynolds. Yeah, Captain ed Reynolds. Here's him, and
it's like a pirate ed Reynolds. You go to his guy, buy insurance
from it. I believe what your homotors policy is expiring, Hey, Captain,
I believe what you're gonna hear is he's got like a butler who is
keeping a diary. So he's just talking, and this butler's writing it down.
I think first Mate, First Mate, Captain's log, August twenty fifth,
seventeen sixty three. The crew is growing restless and unmotivated. I try
to motivate them but teaching them sortsly, but they grow tired only after a
few minutes of practice. Somehow, my first mate, Jewels has managed to
keep their spirits high. I'm not sure how she does it. I have
the slightest idea. Many of the men are very inarticulate. I think that
she gives them lessons by helping them improve their oral skills, or perhaps even
Bibles studied away to her. There's some great comedy too. Oh there's a
cut a way to her doing that. Yeah, reading the Bible? Oh
well, the oral skills part that he was talking about. I think that
it did show. It's a funny. He's like they've grown stagnant or they're
not. They've they've gone restless, and they're they're unmotivated and he's trying to
teach him and there's a huge guy. He's got a sword and Nevin Stone
hits his sword and the guys knocks out of his hand. They got beds
over makes it out whatever. It's like the background actors in Braveheart and we're
going through the motions in the field. He currently had a long day of
shooting that just left in the movie and they're just gonna legs are all tired.
Now. The problem with this ship, though, also is not that
Ed Reynolds has an unmotivated crew. It's he's got a problem with the cannons.
And they have given a guy who does not have like a very huge
role in the movie. Wou Chow is his name played by Matthew McBride no,
played by a guy named Nan. Wou Chow is in charge of the
cannons and he cannot his cannons aren't working because woo Chow, my Gunnard cannot
seem to make the new cannons fire with very much Mike. He's tying the
cannons fire and he's smelling like rutting the cotests who believes that the carter needs
more potasting nitrate and less sulfur. Not my Paul, I need to put
all the bad news is that we don't have any potassium nitrate. But regardless,
we will fight the pirates by sword or by hand, to the death
if necessary. Captain Edward Reynolds, Captain of the Sea Stoni god So Evanstone
really leaned into the accent. Huh. We are thirty minutes into the movie
and there's been no one sex scene. It's going nowhere. But the cannons
are out, we're out of materials. They need to stop at an island.
Well, the island is where the evil Stagneti resides and he goes out
on excursions and goes and robbing people. So they go to his island,
knowing that it's dangerous. Now here's before they go there, Evanstone admitting he
knows nothing about being a captain. I thought this is fine. Actually,
the laugh out loud if this one, because this whole time he's been portrayed
as the captain and then finally he gives up. It's like, I don't
know anything. I've never been on a boat before. I'm a jewels,
I'm a lousy commander. I can't hunt pirates. I can't even hunt not
the cruisy hate me. Yes it's true, you've never stepped foot on a
boat before you brought this vessel. Yes it's true. You've never been in
combat with a man nor a pirate. Yes it's true you have no knowledge
of the seas, but you have a dream, and that, my friend,
is stronger than any knowledge or experience. Give her an award. Incredible.
Sounds like those school kids, yeah, cold reading a book in front
of the class. Then they find the life of Manuel Vellan's isuela float in
the water. She's not dead yet, so they bring her aboard the ship.
They go to the island, you know with the robbers and the thieves
and the murderers. Evanstone's approached by two ladies who tell them they know where
he can find Stagnetti. He falls into the trap, goes with them,
and then he gets tied up to uh. They tie him up up,
you know, as you would expect. And then he's tied up, and
then for some reason, Jesse Jane is tied up to the poll too at
some point, but they're not real clear about how she got there. So
they're back to back with each other, and then Angeline is played by Austin
Moore. Austin Moore. She shows up and she's gonna let Evanstone and Jesse
Jane go, but first Evanstone has to pay the price, otherwise they can't
get loose. Ready, Yeah, they're actually right, Jules, something definitely
is, Bernie. I don't think it's your crutch. Oh no, I
think matters me have just gotten worse. Edward, Angelina's just entireas No,
please, I'm tias. This place is about to collapse. Edward has to
prove that he loves me, make love to me here now here, and
now you don't want to go someplace safe? No, it must be now,
Edward, Now, okay, okay, Edward, No, that's so
awful. So he does what he has to do. She then unties Jesse
Jane and then they're on the run. Now for some reason, there is
a weird scene where there's some zombie skeletons that are chasing them as they go
back off to see Evanstone and his team jump on their ship. Stagnetti and
his team are chasing them. They jump on their ship and they sail out
to see and across from each other, they start to fight. This is
the worst seven minute CGI fight of all time that you've ever seen. And
then it ends with a setup for the sequel because Stagnetti survives, but his
woman somehow ends up on the boat with Evanstone and Jesse Jane. Oh,
and then she goes on to have a fun scene involving Jesse Jane, and
we are set up for pirates to Stagnetti's revenge. He's gonna get his first
mate back from Evanstone. Dude, incredible. I am a rock right now,
really, because I'm like a I'm like a watter of chewing gum that's
been left out in the sun. You didn't get You didn't think it was
hot at all? Come on, it wasn't you ever did how many how
many scenes were there of of Nookie? It ends up about six or seven?
Yeah, and most are long. That was kind of girl girl that
girl girl, Yeah, especially at the end. Three way Oh yeah.
Zombies ever, zombies didn't do either, you know. Okay, So they
throw that in. It's also kind of gross. Hey, there's some gross
stuff in there. Stagnitti's glass eyes just ridiculous. It's ridiculous. It's terrible.
I give it one out of five dumplings. I give I give you
five dumplings for taking on that dude. What a hero. That's Kevin's review
of the most expensive porn ever made two thousand and five. Pirates Ye,
starring the recently departed Jesse Che and we Will Daniel gafferd calls at nine forty
five. The new Mavericks acquisition nine forty five calls in. Also, we
have your birthdays and your talkbacks from the red microphone button on the iHeartRadio app. Next