WEBVTT

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This is a downbeat on ninety seven
to one the freak Yes, Yes,

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Daniel Gafford of the MAVs calls him
ninety five today. Be good to catch

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up with him tomorrow. Eight.
Do not miss the downbeat singing box of

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chocolates in honor of Valentine's Day,
which is here, and because tomorrow's Valentine's

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Day, let's play the feud.
Oh okay, all right? The National

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Retail Federation. Seven answers are on
the board. The National Retail Federation.

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What are the top seven things people
are planning to purchase for Valentine's Day tomorrow?

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Mike Alexa, No, that was
my calling name. Oh no,

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I don't think they could have purchase
the be flowers. Correct, that's the

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number three answer. More Danny can
top it? Uh box oh chocolate,

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Number one answer on the board.
Candy bull Shark kids are in play here

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too. I would imagine I'm guessing. I don't know how many answers are

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on the board. Seven pass play. I would like to play a right.

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I typically would pass next answer.
But I'm so good at Valentine's Day.

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But I'm so look at my dating
history. I know how to keep

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them around all right, let's go
with card Mmmm yeah, number seven.

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Okay, what's the thing. Those
are hard to get, harder to do

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than you thought. Yeah, card
to seven. Yeah, and box of

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Oh this is stupid. Talk to
the porderline a joke like flowers. I'd

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like to keep going. Yeah,
you know, I just greeting cards number

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two, gift cards seven, so
you get two of them? Well,

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I was gonna guess gift cards.
I swear to God. Gift cards.

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Oh, let's go with jewelry.
Jewelry number five? You four and six?

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Left? Yep, dude, you're
doing great, and you know what

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I'm pulling for you, even though
we're against each other. We're gonna go

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with perfume. Oh hmm, what
about men's cologne? National Retail Federation Top

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seven things people will buy? Affordable
affordable men's cologne, A quick trip Enforcement

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FORCEMN for Valentine's Days? Right,
and this is the gifts that you would

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give to somebody for Valentine Today?
I had an answer, no vamping.

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I'm gonna say a massage, right, might be ready to steal. If

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he doesn't get it, you can
steal. Okay, okay, so we

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what are the answers? On the
board four and six. No, no,

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no, the ones up. You're
getting candy, greeting cards, flowers,

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jewelry and gift cards. I'm gonna
go with cigarettes. Cigarettes. That's

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good, Mike, you can steal. I was gonna go cigarettes. I'm

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not really ready repeat the question and
all the answers that are on the board.

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No, no, I'm just kidding, miss top seven things people are

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gonna buy on Valentine's DA, according
to the National Retail Federation, Food m

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Mike Winds are eating out number four. What does that have to do with

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food eating out? All right,
that's enough, let's do the next category.

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No, we're not doing printer so
that's interesting though, I'm not really

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This was the last one there.
Oh the last one was let me guess

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was it? Was it printer cartridges? It was jewelry. We got jewelry.

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Okay, then it was clothing.
Clothing, Oh yeah, oh maybe

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it didn't have to be but yeah, maybe with a plunging bust line.

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All right, Christina's out there like
working, so I don't think she's listening.

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Should I go by like the most
insane, floodiest piece of lingerie and

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give it like either live on the
air or for you to wear. I'm

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talking something that covers nothing. Yeah, maybe the real body. Yeah,

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like I mean not sexy, not
good. It's basically two clasps in a

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strap on that something with the most
giant rap. You get her, You

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get her, She's like, I
mean thank you, or get her the

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gifts that I guess that didn't make
the list, get her carton, a

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SIGs cigarette and some printer carts in
like a heart shaped box. Thank you,

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and decide to downbeat singing boxes of
chocolate for you that you get your

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local. I got a text from
my friends over at or rapp a Hoe

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Laurel and they are carrying they got
their first shipment in today already, so

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they'll put them on the shelf.
Oh really Yeah, so we're on Sane

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Do on sale at Arapa Hoe Floral. Yeah. But the and it's just

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downbeat singing box one hundred and forty
nine paysos. You can get one.

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I just can picture a loose box
with a few loose cigarettes in it and

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two printer cartridges. I like refraditioned
ones, wink a small miniature bottle of

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Jack the tiny ones. So a
couple of weeks ago I lost a bed.

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You just wink into the seed Lamb
first down celebration. Yeah, I

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do the point to the toward the
bedroom. Huh, go to the bathroom,

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into the bathroom, what do you
do? I'm romantic, That's what

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I'm doing. A couple of weeks
ago, I lost to bet unfortunately,

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because we bet on the thirty wrestlers
who were gonna do Royal Rumble, Ye

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Royal Rumble. We chose random numbers
or however it worked, so you didn't

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even know who your guy was until
they came out. They came down the

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tunnel, their music hit, and
I forgot your name KT Kevin, KT

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got Cody Rhodes, yep. I
don't know what number he came out,

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but fifteen in the middle end up
winning the damn Rumble, winning the g

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d Rumble. And that's how it
worked is the winner was actually the loser

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in this. So you had a
pretty significant bet payoff. And because adult

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film star Jesse Jane from More,
Oklahoma passed away a couple of weeks ago,

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we did a little mini segment on
her, her life, her career,

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what she's meant to the state of
Oklahoma. Yeah, and we learned

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or knew off the top of her
head that she starred in the hit two

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thousand and five movie Pirates. Yes, yeah, which at the time the

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most expensive porno ever made. I
think over over one million dollar budget for

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Pirates at the time. I mean
surely that changed very quickly. Well,

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the artist it says Pirates too,
Stagnate's Revenge is an eight million dollar movie,

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which I don't know if that's number
one. Now we can do the

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research. Because of the success of
Pirates, they were able to spend a

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little more money. That means I
had to watch it, review it,

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pull audio from it the whold nine
yards before you get to your review an

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audio, Can I ask one probing
question that America wants to know? What

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was your What was your overall feeling
before, during, and after? Just

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overall vibe? What were you thinking? How did you process this? I

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know you watched it in two separate
sessions. You were not allowed to take

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breaks for self flagellation. Yeah,
you had to just watch it like you

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would any other film. Come in
here and review it and play some favorite

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cuts from the audio. What was
your just how are you feeling just watching

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this movie by yourself? Well?
I also was like, is this going

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to be able to be better than
Saltburn? Is it kind of where I

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had it stacked up? Like,
you know? Is it? So it?

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First of all, I had to
do it during the week, and

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you kind of got to do that
when you're home alone. You don't want

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to just be blaring that in front
of everyone. And you live with your

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fiance. Yeah, and it's just
weird, you know, if she have

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consistent hours where she's not there.
Yeah, okay, so there you go.

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I just picture her coming home and
him clicking off, slamming the laptop

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show. What are you doing?
Well? Not enough for you. I

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don't like doing anything when it comes
to that on my laptop. I don't

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want to slow down all the work
I do in my laptop. So that

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was problem number one. Well,
the problem number one is that it's a

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two hour and eight minute movie that
I don't have time for. It's hard

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enough for me to catch up on
TV. I'm still two episodes behind on

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A True Detective. I gotta spend
two hours catching up on TV shows that

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I want to watch. Nope,
nope, nop here comes this. So

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that sucked. Then you got to
figure out where am I going to find

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this, and I'd like to find
this without paying for it. It'd be

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nice because if you'd like to go
to Amazon, you can definitely order a

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DVD copy of Pirates okay. Yeah, and you can pay twenty five dollars

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for it, okay, and then
you have it forever. They're trying to

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make back a million bucks. Dude, Well, I'm now though post mortem.

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No, I'm like, I don't
want to spend that money on that.

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So what site did you use?
This is interesting. I'm trying to

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go to my full history now to
find just search pirates. Well, it's

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no because there's a specific site where
the pop ups on the side were shady,

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but it was I was able to, you know, throw it in

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and then ca incognito browser. The
thing is, when I'm pulling audio,

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I cannot do it in the incognito
browser on the main page to pull audio

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the way I use and I ain't. The website was called Porner Porner,

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Yeah, something like that. The
pop ups on the side were the most

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shocking thing you've ever seen. And
they're watching a MAVs game with me.

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Yeah I know, yeah, I
know, But it was a guy on

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the side. I had a ten
second video of him with a flashlight.

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Okay, just like ten seconds,
thank god, and over and over again.

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So you're watching the movie and then
you're over here. I mean,

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you're suffering through this, your wing. You should be. It should not

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be fun. Okay, there you
go, there, play and here come

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the credits, and god, two
hours and eight minutes, and I'm like,

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okay, there's gonna be some funny
lines here like this, it's gonna

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be kind of good, right,
yeah, definitely. It starts out with

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two and a half minutes of credits. They just take forever, and all

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you hear in the background while that's
happening is this, I've been so yess

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Jane. That's awesome. Okay,
because there showing pictures of them, we're

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already getting Fernando Villain's way. How
much do they pay the cellist? It's

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a lot of money. So then
we have a little short scene between a

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good looking, handsome sailor and Jesse
Jane and they've gotten married. Darn a

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ship here. They've gotten married,
but he'd never seen her naked before.

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Okay, you know, and this
is like in the eighteen hundred. Seventeen

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hundreds are supposed to be a botle. Yeah. I don't think they specified

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the century. It's more just we're
pirates. Yeah, but they're dressed in

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the apparently they had breasting plants in
the eighteen fifties, so they had gotten

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married. Never seen her neck before, so then they do it. It

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is like a ten minute sex scene. I mean not really because it's just

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it's just it's overdone. You know. Look, I'm not a big post

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production fan here, you know,
but still hot sex. Kevin, Your

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spy glass was not extended. It
was not. It was not the captain

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spy glass I heard. It's kind
of like grabbing my phone and looking at

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the check Twitter. So then he
goes up to talk to the captain and

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the Captain's like, you shouldn't be
You shouldn't be up here. Uh did

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I to? That's your special night. You should be down there with your

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new bride. He's like, yeah, I guess. So so he goes

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back down to the poop deck it's
hanging out with but so he then starts

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to tend to her needs again same
too. And while that's going on,

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yeah, same too, which we
hardly ever see a back to back.

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But they don't get to get going
because the boat is hijacked by a band

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of pirates. Oh hell yeah,
well you know the leader is Stagneti,

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who you're about to meet. They'll
hijack live spots too. There was one

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pirate who didn't have legs. It
was just a torso what hopping and that

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was insane. Starts slitting throats and
okay, they're looking for trouble. This

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is where I take you to the
intro to Stagnetti. This is the evil

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villain who has hijacked the boat,
an handsome man and Jesse James. Who's

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he played by? Did you get
an actor's name on Stagnetti? Yeah?

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So the thing that's tough on this
I got it, Tommy gunn uh no,

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tom Captain Eric Victor Stagneti. Okay, thank you. That's very helpful.

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Actual two ends because there are a
couple actresses who kind of look the

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same too. And you you recognize
him, go play it you will,

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Okay, yes, you would know
this guy. Actually, this is the

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intro to Stagnetti. Wind up the
crew on the bow, bring me the

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passengers from the deck below. There's
no need for this violent game, sir,

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sir, ahoy me, hearties,
my name is Captain Victor Stagnetti.

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Usually this sort of incursion ends with
individuals such as yourselves decapitated, with your

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heads floating in a sea for sharks
to devour. However, will the man

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with the name Manuel Valezuela stepped forward
to reveal himself what a pretty pearl necklace?

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Okay? It cuts to a girl
wearing a pearl necklace. One,

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yes, that's not I'm Manuel Venezuela, and then he throws her all overboard.

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Thank you, gentleman for your time. You may go your merry way.

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Semen. The end of the show
ex on the you may go your

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merry way scene. Okay, sounds
like a bad dude. Yeah yeah,

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all right, talk's real fast and
like he's reading it. Yeah, the

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glass eye does. It's very distracting. So he pushes her off and they

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she says she's under the open water, and then he sinks the ship and

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it's the worst cgi you've ever seen
in your life. It is bad.

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Well, then we go to the
intro. They kind of kind of remove

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you and take you to another ship
out of nowhere, and this is Evan

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Stone's crew. Now I don't know
what Evanstone's character's name is probably I don't

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remember Captain Edward Reynolds. Yeah,
Captain ed Reynolds. Here's him, and

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it's like a pirate ed Reynolds.
You go to his guy, buy insurance

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from it. I believe what your
homotors policy is expiring, Hey, Captain,

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I believe what you're gonna hear is
he's got like a butler who is

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keeping a diary. So he's just
talking, and this butler's writing it down.

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I think first Mate, First Mate, Captain's log, August twenty fifth,

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seventeen sixty three. The crew is
growing restless and unmotivated. I try

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to motivate them but teaching them sortsly, but they grow tired only after a

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few minutes of practice. Somehow,
my first mate, Jewels has managed to

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keep their spirits high. I'm not
sure how she does it. I have

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00:16:32.799 --> 00:16:36.679
the slightest idea. Many of the
men are very inarticulate. I think that

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she gives them lessons by helping them
improve their oral skills, or perhaps even

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Bibles studied away to her. There's
some great comedy too. Oh there's a

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cut a way to her doing that. Yeah, reading the Bible? Oh

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well, the oral skills part that
he was talking about. I think that

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it did show. It's a funny. He's like they've grown stagnant or they're

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not. They've they've gone restless,
and they're they're unmotivated and he's trying to

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teach him and there's a huge guy. He's got a sword and Nevin Stone

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hits his sword and the guys knocks
out of his hand. They got beds

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over makes it out whatever. It's
like the background actors in Braveheart and we're

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going through the motions in the field. He currently had a long day of

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shooting that just left in the movie
and they're just gonna legs are all tired.

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Now. The problem with this ship, though, also is not that

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Ed Reynolds has an unmotivated crew.
It's he's got a problem with the cannons.

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And they have given a guy who
does not have like a very huge

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role in the movie. Wou Chow
is his name played by Matthew McBride no,

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played by a guy named Nan.
Wou Chow is in charge of the

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cannons and he cannot his cannons aren't
working because woo Chow, my Gunnard cannot

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seem to make the new cannons fire
with very much Mike. He's tying the

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cannons fire and he's smelling like rutting
the cotests who believes that the carter needs

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more potasting nitrate and less sulfur.
Not my Paul, I need to put

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00:18:04.240 --> 00:18:08.480
all the bad news is that we
don't have any potassium nitrate. But regardless,

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we will fight the pirates by sword
or by hand, to the death

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00:18:12.960 --> 00:18:22.720
if necessary. Captain Edward Reynolds,
Captain of the Sea Stoni god So Evanstone

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really leaned into the accent. Huh. We are thirty minutes into the movie

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and there's been no one sex scene. It's going nowhere. But the cannons

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are out, we're out of materials. They need to stop at an island.

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00:18:34.000 --> 00:18:40.440
Well, the island is where the
evil Stagneti resides and he goes out

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on excursions and goes and robbing people. So they go to his island,

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knowing that it's dangerous. Now here's
before they go there, Evanstone admitting he

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00:18:49.440 --> 00:18:55.039
knows nothing about being a captain.
I thought this is fine. Actually,

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00:18:55.039 --> 00:18:57.160
the laugh out loud if this one, because this whole time he's been portrayed

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00:18:57.160 --> 00:19:00.079
as the captain and then finally he
gives up. It's like, I don't

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00:19:00.119 --> 00:19:04.000
know anything. I've never been on
a boat before. I'm a jewels,

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I'm a lousy commander. I can't
hunt pirates. I can't even hunt not

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the cruisy hate me. Yes it's
true, you've never stepped foot on a

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boat before you brought this vessel.
Yes it's true. You've never been in

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combat with a man nor a pirate. Yes it's true you have no knowledge

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of the seas, but you have
a dream, and that, my friend,

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is stronger than any knowledge or experience. Give her an award. Incredible.

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00:19:32.000 --> 00:19:36.759
Sounds like those school kids, yeah, cold reading a book in front

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of the class. Then they find
the life of Manuel Vellan's isuela float in

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the water. She's not dead yet, so they bring her aboard the ship.

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They go to the island, you
know with the robbers and the thieves

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and the murderers. Evanstone's approached by
two ladies who tell them they know where

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he can find Stagnetti. He falls
into the trap, goes with them,

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and then he gets tied up to
uh. They tie him up up,

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you know, as you would expect. And then he's tied up, and

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00:20:03.799 --> 00:20:08.160
then for some reason, Jesse Jane
is tied up to the poll too at

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00:20:08.200 --> 00:20:11.079
some point, but they're not real
clear about how she got there. So

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00:20:11.119 --> 00:20:15.599
they're back to back with each other, and then Angeline is played by Austin

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00:20:15.640 --> 00:20:18.000
Moore. Austin Moore. She shows
up and she's gonna let Evanstone and Jesse

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Jane go, but first Evanstone has
to pay the price, otherwise they can't

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get loose. Ready, Yeah,
they're actually right, Jules, something definitely

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is, Bernie. I don't think
it's your crutch. Oh no, I

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00:20:32.880 --> 00:20:38.000
think matters me have just gotten worse. Edward, Angelina's just entireas No,

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00:20:38.480 --> 00:20:42.200
please, I'm tias. This place
is about to collapse. Edward has to

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00:20:42.279 --> 00:20:48.640
prove that he loves me, make
love to me here now here, and

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00:20:48.720 --> 00:20:51.960
now you don't want to go someplace
safe? No, it must be now,

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00:20:52.559 --> 00:21:00.720
Edward, Now, okay, okay, Edward, No, that's so

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00:21:00.319 --> 00:21:06.319
awful. So he does what he
has to do. She then unties Jesse

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00:21:06.480 --> 00:21:08.720
Jane and then they're on the run. Now for some reason, there is

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00:21:08.759 --> 00:21:12.839
a weird scene where there's some zombie
skeletons that are chasing them as they go

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back off to see Evanstone and his
team jump on their ship. Stagnetti and

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his team are chasing them. They
jump on their ship and they sail out

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00:21:21.359 --> 00:21:23.000
to see and across from each other, they start to fight. This is

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00:21:23.039 --> 00:21:29.519
the worst seven minute CGI fight of
all time that you've ever seen. And

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then it ends with a setup for
the sequel because Stagnetti survives, but his

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woman somehow ends up on the boat
with Evanstone and Jesse Jane. Oh,

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and then she goes on to have
a fun scene involving Jesse Jane, and

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we are set up for pirates to
Stagnetti's revenge. He's gonna get his first

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mate back from Evanstone. Dude,
incredible. I am a rock right now,

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really, because I'm like a I'm
like a watter of chewing gum that's

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been left out in the sun.
You didn't get You didn't think it was

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hot at all? Come on,
it wasn't you ever did how many how

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many scenes were there of of Nookie? It ends up about six or seven?

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Yeah, and most are long.
That was kind of girl girl that

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girl girl, Yeah, especially at
the end. Three way Oh yeah.

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Zombies ever, zombies didn't do either, you know. Okay, So they

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throw that in. It's also kind
of gross. Hey, there's some gross

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00:22:33.279 --> 00:22:40.119
stuff in there. Stagnitti's glass eyes
just ridiculous. It's ridiculous. It's terrible.

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I give it one out of five
dumplings. I give I give you

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five dumplings for taking on that dude. What a hero. That's Kevin's review

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of the most expensive porn ever made
two thousand and five. Pirates Ye,

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00:22:52.279 --> 00:23:00.799
starring the recently departed Jesse Che and
we Will Daniel gafferd calls at nine forty

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00:23:00.799 --> 00:23:03.200
five. The new Mavericks acquisition nine
forty five calls in. Also, we

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00:23:03.240 --> 00:23:07.720
have your birthdays and your talkbacks from
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