WEBVTT

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You're listening to KFI AM six forty
on demand KFI Am sixty. You have

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Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This
is Doctor Wendy after Dark. It's really

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dark now since those clocks have changed. Oh, producer Kayla, I was

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driving to work going what is it
midnight now already? I know, and

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I'm so exhausted earlier, I don't
know what this is about. Has melitonin

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in the daylight saving time? I
think I think we just like animals,

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go to sleep earlier in the winter, sleep longer, know the you know,

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like think of the summer. We
were out like having picnics at eight

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at night, and now here we
are like, oh, it feels like

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I just want to snuggle in my
little duvet, cuddle up. Anyway,

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Welcome to the Dr Wendy wall Show. Here's what we got. I'm gonna

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talk more more over the top tiers
about from that Golden Bachelor, I'm sick

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of it, Taylor and Travis take
their romance on tour and for the rest

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of us, what's the difference between
positive psychology and toxic positivity? People are

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getting confused. I'm gonna define.
Also, if you have anger, you

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never wonder what you're supposed to do
with it, Like, what does the

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research say, how is the healthy
way to really deal with our anger?

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We can turn our anger into a
super strength. Okay, So, if

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you're new to the show, I
have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm

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a psychology professor, not a therapist
at cal State Channel Islands. But I'm

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obsessed with the signs of love.
I've written three books on relationships, did

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a dissertation on attachment theory, and
well I'm up to speed on anything to

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do with love and health. I'm
also a professor of health psychology. You

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want to know an interesting study that
came across my desk today, Kayla.

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Super interesting. So I've always thought
that if i'm and I teach it,

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if you're not getting enough sleep,
it's bad for your health. But I

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don't know how to tell you this. But in the last few months,

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and I was always asleep, or
when I was young, I needed my

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nine hours. I love sleep.
In the past six months, I'm not

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sleeping more than six, maybe six
and a half hours at night, and

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I never feel tired like I get
up I go to the gym. There's

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no afternoon fallout like oh, I'm
so tired, should take a nap.

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So you know, it may be
is sort of a postmenopausal thing because when

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the factory shuts down, we probably
don't need as much sleep to maintain it.

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But I was still worried. So
the Wall Street Journal sends an article

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to me today because I think they
hear I'm talking like everybody here is instagram,

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TikTok whatever, and it says,
don't worry if you're not getting enough

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sleep, as long as the sleep
is in a consistent pattern like more dangerous.

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Apparently even if you are getting eight
hours his inconsistent pattern staying up super

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late, getting up early, dealing
with jet leg, shift work, all

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that stuff very bad for your health. They actually had a sentence that said

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something like, if you're getting only
six hours of sleep sleep a night,

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and it's at you go to bed
at the same time and wake up at

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the same time, then you're gonna
be much have better health outcomes than the

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persons who's getting eight or nine but
in an inconsistent way. So I felt

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better because I'm pretty consistent. I'm
like dead out by ten and then unfortunately,

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somewhere in the four o'clock hour,
there I am I staring at the

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ceiling. So it is what it
is, A little bit update, Okay,

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Taylor Swift to update like you care. Apparently there's other news in the

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world, but in the last year, Taylor Swift seems to be the only

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news that we like to talk about. So Julio told me my boyfriend Julio,

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because he was watching he's watching like
Sunday Night football right now, and

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I said, oh, I read
the Travis is on the road with her,

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and he said, yeah, he
doesn't have to go back to work

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until November twentieth. I'm like,
you have all the players schedules memorized and

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he's like, yeah, he named
what kind of week it was or whatever.

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He's like, yeah, he's not
back till November twentieth. So according

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to E Entertainment News, it's time
for us all to grab our passports because

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Travis Kelcey and Taylor have taken their
romance on the road. The Kansas City

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Sheet chiefs tight and we have we
examined that we know if he has a

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tight end. Ye, yes he
does. Oh, you've checked it out.

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Okay, they went down to South
America because she's starting the next leg

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of her tour, and he was
apparently enchanted to see her perform in Buenasadas

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Buenazada's Argentina, but he was caught
in the VIP tent standing next to her

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dad, and her dad was wearing
a Kansas Chief's lanyard. Oh yeah,

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dad's approving. I don't think we've
seen many of her loves were her dad.

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At least nine headlines I've read.
This is interesting. The night before

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the couple were spotted out to dinner, fans captured video of them walking holding

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hands on the way into the restaurant. When they walked into the restaurant,

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everybody applauded, Okay, that's the
new Okay, she's going on tour.

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Anybody remember the Katy Perry Russell Crow
marriage that happened For a minute, I

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watched the Katy Perry documentary, and
I literally watched that relationship fall apart because

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of her tour and his tour.
He was touring, she was touring.

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She was on private jets trying because
they wouldn't give her a day off to

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fly in and see her boyfriend and
husband. Whatever. Now this girl's heading

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off on tour and he's still got
some football to play apparently, so either

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he gets on that private jet with
her and follows her around the world as

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soon as the season's over, but
that's not until Well, I don't understand

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football, Like, there's a super
Bowl in January, but don't they kick

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out some teams before that and they
stop playing? Yeah, I think the

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only two teams that play are the
two in the Super Bowl? Until then

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you're fighting. So does anyone know
what his team is doing? Is it

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doing good? Or well? Anybody
anybody the best team in football? Is

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that your favorite team? It is
okay as being biased? No, but

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could they actually get all the way
to the Super Bowl? Don't know.

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Not the way they're playing. I
want them to, but I don't think

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they will. I'm a big fan
and I'm hoping for it, but no,

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I will say I feel like he
has a little bit more of a

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successful, busy career than Russell had, so maybe they'll be a little bit

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more understanding between him and Taylor versus
Katie and Russell. Because he was on

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tour. He was touring, Yeah, he was doing comedy tours. Well

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just look at that, and doing
movies. So he was stuck. They

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were both stuck, all right,
so anyway, I hope his team loses

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very quickly so that he gets kicked
out. And I'll tell you why,

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because the way to build a relationship
is with time. You gotta do FaceTime,

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and I don't mean the one on
your iPhone. I mean you gotta

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be there and you gotta see each
other. So he needs to jump on

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her jet and just go be with
her while she's on tour. Otherwise it's

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not going to work out. There's
also a big danger to dating in public

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like this, And I do want
to say, I know it's boring to

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stay inside a hotel room and order
room service, but they need private time

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to grow intimacy. They can't have
it. I mean, there they were

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on Saturday Night Live, just two
or three weeks after starting to date.

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That's a little much, all right. Golden Bachelor update last week, as

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you recall, Leslie, the dancer
and personal trainer from Minnesota, she got

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the rows, she was safe,
and then our Gary shed tears again.

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That man needs to stop crying because
he couldn't decide between I mean, Faith,

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the one who roared in on a
motorcycle the first week, and Teresa,

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the seventy year old who pretended she
was in her birthday soup, but

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it was a skin colored like thing. You know, she had a robe

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on and she flashed him, I
know. Anyway, this week's Golden Bachelor

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was the conclusion of the last rose
ceremony, and they also do this Women

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Tell All where everyone comes back.
So remember last week, My prediction was

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that the prettiest one who was sick
of it all and went home to her

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daughter who had postpartum depression or something, would come back. She did,

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in fact come back this week,
but with all of them, and I

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don't think she's staying. She did, you know, talk about her daughter

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and the birth of the baby,
et cetera. They talked about a bunch

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of stuff. Anyway, this is
all you care about. Teresa got the

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rose and motorcycle driving faith was eliminated. We were all shocked. Do we

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have some sound on that? Then? Going on? What makes me feel

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the worst? I promised her family
something that promise. Okay, that's so

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awful, No, it is,
that's awful. I promise the thing that

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I would protect your heart. Yeah, and I didn't do that. I

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don't feel like you deceived me.
I don't feel like you purposely broke my

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heart in any way, shape or
form, and I don't think my family

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feels that way either. I know
your heart is true in all the good

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ways, and you're a beautiful soul. And I feel so blessed to have

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telling you. It's been quite a
journey, How isn't it? Yes?

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It has? Okay, if you
could have seen the tears. Women love

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a man who can cry, but
not very often, and not every week

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on every episode, but every week
this guy the waterworks. I'm done with

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it. Okay. So his final
two are now Leslie and Teresa. They

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head to Costa Rica. This is
it the big thing this week. They're

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gonna meet Gary's family. They're gonna
have their fantasy sweets. Fantasy sweets.

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Are they really going to go in
there? Are we going to watch a

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seventy one year old go knock boots
with two different women one night in a

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row, Oh my god, one
after another terrible. I will just tell

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you right now. Leslie's gonna be
the winner. She you know why,

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because they're down in Costa Rica and
she runs these pilates trips down there and

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that's like her second home. So
I think Teresa, as much as she's

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been all gug off for him all
the way along. Teresa's going to say

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they're getting rid of her. This
is my prediction. All right, when

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we come back, you ever mad, I mean really mad, and you

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don't know what to do with it, and you've been told be nice and

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think positive, and you're mad at
yourself or you're mad at somebody else and

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you can't figure out what to do
with this anger. We're gonna talk about

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this when we come back. You
are listening to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show

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on KFI AM six forty. We're
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're

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listening to KFI AM six forty on
demand KFI A M six forty. You

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have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you.
This is the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show.

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I am going to disclose something now. I have always had a problem with

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anger. I you know, my
parents did the best they could with the

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tools they had that came from the
generation before them. And if we expressed

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rage or anger as children, no
one ever said to us, I see

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you're really angry right now, Let's
find a way for you to deal with

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it. Let's, you know,
talk about it. They would say,

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young lady, go to your room
and come back when you've changed your attitude.

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See the critical voice just flows in
my head. Come back when you've

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changed your attitude. And at the
very worst, they would say, just

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cheer up. That's what they heard. Those were the lessons I got in

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my life about how to deal with
anger. So when I feel angry,

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I never know what to do with
it. And when I was in therapy,

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I would say to my therapist,
I'm so man, I have to

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get She would complain that I would
make myself happy too quickly. I wouldn't

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stay in the anger long enough.
Who wants to stay in anger? First

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of all, is not real comfortable. But she kept saying feelings are messengers

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and there is fertile ground there.
I'll never forget there is fertile ground.

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Something's going to grow from it.
But I would try to bounce back into

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positivity because I didn't know how to
garden in that fertile ground. I didn't

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know what to do with that anger. Now, I used to think,

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because I read all those silly studies
about you're supposed to like get it out

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and vent yell and scream, you're
supposed to like hit a pillow or something.

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Guess what. The newest research shows
that that just raises your blood pressure

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and your heart rate and it doesn't
calm you down. You know, we're

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told all the time that we're supposed
to stay positive, We're told to focus

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on the positive. But there's new
research that I'm going to tell you about

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in a minute that says a healthy
dose of anger can actually be motivating,

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can actually become a superpower. Now. I have noticed in recent years a

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couple people who have passed through my
life se passed through I didn't let them

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stay, who cope with their anger
using a strategy called toxic positivity. I

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didn't even know this had a name
until recently. There's a great book called

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Toxic Positivity written by Whitney Whoever in
Florida, a really great therapist I follow

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on TikTok and Instagram. And toxic
positivity is kind of what was tried to

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be instilled in me, which is
the pressure to only display positive emotions,

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that if you're not showing positive emotions, you're somehow unattractive. Right, So

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people learn to suppress any negative emotions, any negative feelings, or their reactions

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to stuff. And what does it
do it invalidates us as an authentic human

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being. Right, It can lead
to all kinds of things. Well,

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first of all trauma, Like in
my case, I didn't know what to

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do with anger. In fact,
I was told be nice so much that

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when I was raped as a teenager, I was nice to him. I

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didn't know where to put my anger
or what to do with my anger.

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Right, If you become a parent
and your coping strategy is toxic positivity,

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it can be traumatic for children because
children aren't taught what to do with those

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natural, normal human feelings. It
can also lead to unhealthy coping mechanism.

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Oh yeah, if you're trying to
suppress any negative feelings, how are you

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going to do that? Uh huh, You're going to use a little alcohol.

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I'm going to use some drugs.
How about sex? That's a really

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great drug. Those are all those
things we do to negatively cope with uncomfortable

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feelings, And the biggest thing that
can happen is our relationships can become ruptured.

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Here's some example of toxic positivity.
I hear it all the time in

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our culture. Hey hey, hey, good vibes. Only you're trying to

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express yourself and they say good vibes
only, or they say, come on,

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look on the bright side, where
things could be much worse. You

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know, think of how bad it
really could be. You're really lucky to

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be in this situation you're at.
You know, earlier I should say,

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I'm not going to disclose what it
was, but uh, my own wonderful

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beloved producer Kayla told me a story
of somebody she was angry with, and

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I didn't say, you know what, she did her best. She was

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a nice person and probably she's struggling. That's what my mom would have said

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to me. But you know what
I said, You want me to go

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beat her up? Right? You
said she's such an itchy you want me

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to go beat her up. Of
course, I'm not going to use physical

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violence. Calm down, everybody.
I'm not being literal. But what that

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statement said is I hear you,
I feel your feeling, and I feel

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protective of That's what I heard.
Other people who use toxic positivity say things

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like, you know, we just
have to be grateful for what we have,

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okay, and the big one,
don't be so negative. Don't be

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so negative. You know what toxic
positivity. As far as I'm concerned is

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actually a form of gaslighting, because
remember what gaslighting is, right, where

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you make the other person feel crazy, that they're the crazy one. So

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it creates this false narrative of reality. You know, there was a person

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I knew who has toxic positivity.
That's her coping strategy. I'm sure she

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has a lot of underlying anger,
and it's not my job to deal with

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it or get out. But anytime
I would try to be authentic and express

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my real feeling, she would change
the subject, she would get happier,

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she would find a way to you
know, she just couldn't tolerate it.

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And what did I feel? I
felt dismissed. I felt pained because I

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was I was just being ignored,
right, And I felt kind of embarrassed

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and a shame that I tried to
be vulnerable and it made her feel that

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uncomfortable, like somehow my real feelings
weren't welcome. I do want to be

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clear though, that toxic positivity is
very different from this area of psychology called

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positive psychology. I teach this in
all my classes at cal State Channel Islands.

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The father of positive psychology is a
former head of the APA American Psychological

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Association. Martin Seligman, He's written
all kinds of books about positive psychology,

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and he basically looked at what with
therapy was doing, and that it was

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allowing people to wallow and whine and
giving them all kinds of empathy in the

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therapeutic frame in the office, but
they weren't working to build up someone's strengths.

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Right. So positive psychology isn't about
suppressing feelings ignoring feelings. It's about

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saying, Wow, some bad stuff
happened to you. Let's see how you

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were able to become resilient, How
were you able to become hearty? What

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kind of strengths grew from that horrible
thing? Not like, oh, let's

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look on the bright side, you
should be grateful, right, And so

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basically, positive psychology tries to help
people gain the skills to be able to

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deal with the bad stuff in life
so that they can live a life that

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is full and authentic, compassionate,
humane, and to have this ability to

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be whole and not be afraid of
our feelings, right, not be afraid

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of the negative feelings when they show
up. As I was and still am,

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sometimes nobody's more. I shouldn't disclose
this, but My sweet loving boyfriend

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is so afraid of anger, and
I'm like, you need to get angry

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more. I end up getting angry
more often than he does. So what

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do we do with our anger?
We don't try to just ignore it.

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We don't it find a way to
just you know, hit pillows and all

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that kind of Although going for a
good walk can't be good. But there's

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new research that just came out showing
that anger actually has benefits to help you

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attain your goals. And I'm going
to explain all the steps of how we

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can all use anger in a healthy
way when we come back. You are

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listening to the Doctor Andy Walls Show
and KFI AM six forty were live everywhere

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00:18:26.480 --> 00:18:32.240
on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening
to KFI AM six forty on demand KFI

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00:18:32.759 --> 00:18:34.640
A M six forty. You have
Doctor Andy Walsh with you. This is

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the Doctor Andy Walls Show. Oh
my goodness, anger, anger, anger.

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I feel so uncomfortable when I am
angry. I don't know what to

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do with it. And I know
the research says, you know, hitting

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a pillow or doing what it doesn't
work. It raises your heart rate,

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it raises your blood pressure. There
is some researchers say that going for a

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nice long walk to cool off is
very helpful. But there's a new study

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from the Department of Psychologue Glen Brain
Sciences at Texas A and M University,

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and the studies called anger has benefits
for attaining goals. Da da da da.

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You know, it reminds me of
a very famous Malcolm X quote.

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Malcolm X once said, usually when
people are sad, they don't do anything,

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They just cry over their condition.
But when they get angry, they

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bring about a change. So let's
go back to, you know, the

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Me Too movement, when women started
to really go Wait a minute, I

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had this unspeakable of feeling that I
was being discriminated against or sexually harassed in

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the workplace, or god forbid,
sexually assaulted. And I had nowhere to

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put this anger. But now that
we can, you know, have a

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hashtag go on Twitter. We can
you know, try to take abusers down.

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It helps people when they do something
about it. Now, I know

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that a lot of you believe that
a state of happiness is idea and that

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the pursuit of happiness should be our
major goal. I think it's written into

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our constitution or something I don't know
something about the pursuit of happiness. Isn't

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it some big legal document. Well, and I know it's a Will Smith

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movie. That's whyfe liberty pursuit of
happens. You know, it's something political.

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We're supposed to be doing it over
here in America anyway. But here's

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what we know that a mix of
emotions, which includes negative states, actually

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results in the best outcomes for us. Remember, we inherited every single feeling

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and emotion because our ancestors needed it
and we need it right. So here's

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00:20:36.400 --> 00:20:40.359
what the researchers did at Texas A
and M University. They did seven separate

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experiments. They used students to participate, and they made students experience anger.

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Apparently it's very easy to make college
students feel really angry when you insult their

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school. They showed pictures of you
know, some of the football stars wearing

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diapers and baby bottles, and I
don't know. They just got them all

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rowled up and angry. And then
what they did is gave them different puzzles

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to solve, and they found that
anger helped the students solve more puzzles when

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they were asked to play a challenging
computer game. The game was rigged to

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make it nearly impossible to win,
like some crazy Rubik's Cube. This made

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the students angry, but in those
moments they moved faster, their reaction time

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decreased, and so overall, as
far as productivity is concerned, anger actually

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can increase its beneficial increases. It
can be a superpower. Right now,

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how there are some steps, because
we know that anger can do some very

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bad things. If you say the
wrong thing to the wrong person, or

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you hit a person or break an
object. This is not a healthy way

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to channel your anger. So let's
talk about what really is healthy. Here

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are the steps. Write them down. Number one, recognize it. Some

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people are so used to their own
toxic positivity, or they've been told that,

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you know, you're not attractive if
you show that anger that they're not

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even aware that it's there. So
you might want to check your body for

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it. Is it in your stomach, Is it in your chest? Is

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your heart beating fast? Do you
have a headache? Recognize where that anger

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is in your body and then attribute
it. Now, if you're somebody who

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always blames yourself, which I always
was, what did I do wrong?

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If I had done it differently,
than this wouldn't have happened, right,

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I had to learn to tolerate the
guilt of attributing it to others. Now,

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if you're somebody who externalizes and you're
blaming everybody else for all your problems,

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you need to learn how to tolerate
self blame. When you're angry right

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now, if your anger is completely
all consuming and you might hurt somebody,

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you need to step away, cool
down, because if you go for that

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long walk, then your thinking brain
can use the angry energy more thoughtfully.

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When I was angry this week,
I actually when I use anything, Julio

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and I had a very small tip. It wasn't even a big deal,

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and we're fine now. But I
stormed out, I'm going to the gym,

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And then on the way to the
gym, I called my best friend

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and I never made it to the
gym. I was just walking around the

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block talking to her, inventing right
in the meantime. What he does when

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he's angry, probably not as healthy, is he rides his motorcycle. So

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I'm watching him ride his motorcycle around
the block and around it and passing me,

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and I'm walking and he said,
we're pretending we don't even see each

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other. Then we get home and
we're like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry,

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it was weird. Okay, So
also fight knee jerk reactions that won't

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help you feel better. I know
we love to have those moments of retribution,

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right, I'm gonna get them.
That's not gonna make you feel any

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better. Or what about you know
what when you apologize to me? No,

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00:23:45.799 --> 00:23:52.200
extracted apologies never make us feel better. They're they're not even real.

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Instead, except that that other person
might never see your side, and that's

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okay. You don't have to win
when you have anger. All you need

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to do is express your needs,
set your boundaries. Oh and stick to

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those boundaries or maybe find a compromise. But you don't have to insist that

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they see you, understand you,
that they said you win. Just make

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sure you say I'm angry when you
did this, it hurt me in this

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way. Just tell them that's it. So from now on, the new

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rule is I am not going to
and then you stick to it and walk

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away. Try to refrain from ranting
and venting and repeating yourself. That's not

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solution oriented and the biggest one don't
ignore your anger and don't ignore confrontation.

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It doesn't have to be scary.
You will get better and better and better

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at it the more you just learn
to say, hey, this really bothered

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00:24:52.400 --> 00:24:53.920
me, and so in the future, I would like for you to do

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this, or I'm going to react
by doing that. Okay, you just

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basically set your boundaries straight, all
right. A lot of people online imagine

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that they are dating narcissists for some
reason, the narcissistic personality disorder, which

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00:25:07.319 --> 00:25:10.880
is only about, like we should
look this up, Kayla, two to

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three percent of the population. If
you look on you know, TikTok,

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it's like eighty percent of the guys
women are dating. However, there are

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certain things that narcissists actually do,
and I'll tell you how to spot them

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00:25:25.680 --> 00:25:27.640
when we come back. How many
point five and one percent? It's the

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00:25:27.799 --> 00:25:33.720
point five, So maybe one out
of one hundred dudes is an actual narcissist.

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Some of them have narcissistic traits and
some of them are just a little

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bit selfish. But I'll tell you
how to spot a real narcissist when we

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come back. You are listening to
the Doctor Wendy Walls Show, on KFI

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00:25:42.279 --> 00:25:48.839
AM six forty alive everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM

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00:25:48.880 --> 00:25:53.200
six forty on demand KFI I Am
six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Waalsh

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00:25:53.279 --> 00:25:56.440
with you. This is the Doctor
Wendy Waalsh Show. I'd like to welcome

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00:25:56.480 --> 00:26:00.160
my TikTok audience. If you'd like
to come in the studio and see what

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00:26:00.160 --> 00:26:03.440
we're doing here, just log onto
TikTok and look me up at doctor Wendy

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00:26:03.480 --> 00:26:08.240
Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. And
the reason why we're on TikTok now is

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00:26:08.279 --> 00:26:12.519
because after this segment, I will
begin to take your calls for my drive

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00:26:12.559 --> 00:26:17.960
by makeshift relationship advice, So get
ready for that. I'll be giving out

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00:26:17.960 --> 00:26:21.440
the number at the end of the
segment. Okay, So today we are

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talking about narcissists. If you look
at the women venting and ranting on the

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internet about their dating lives, you
would estimate that about eighty percent of men

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have a narcissistic personality disorder. I'll
tell you what's actually going on. We

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have an oversupply of successful women who
are because of the advent of the birth

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control pill, can now enjoy sex
without the risk of reproduction, and so

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why not it feels good. They're
putting sex out into the culture and high

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00:26:52.880 --> 00:26:59.359
supply, and you know what happens
when something rises in supply, the price

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goes down. So in the nineteen
fifties, the price of sex was let's

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00:27:07.319 --> 00:27:11.039
see six months of courtship and an
altar, a full on wedding. People

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00:27:11.079 --> 00:27:15.000
tried to be virgins until they got
married. Right in the nineteen eighties,

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that was my era, the price
of sex was three expensive dates. There

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00:27:21.599 --> 00:27:26.759
was this third date rule. Today, the price of sex can be one

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00:27:26.119 --> 00:27:30.079
well worded text. And as a
result, men are starting to call the

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shots because they don't have to commit. They're getting what they need. Now.

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We know they need more. We
know they need an emotional connection with

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00:27:40.400 --> 00:27:45.440
a woman. We know they need
love. But it's hard for them to

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00:27:45.519 --> 00:27:48.599
do that when they're getting so much
free sex. So I'm not telling women

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00:27:48.640 --> 00:27:53.960
to stop having sex with men.
I'm saying we should be petitioning our government

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to give us money for childcare.
Every workplace should have free childcare in it

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because there's a growing number of single
parents, because we have a fertility window

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00:28:03.519 --> 00:28:08.640
that men just don't have. Right, But I digress. So there are

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00:28:08.680 --> 00:28:15.720
men out there waving the flag that
I'm just wired that way. I'm polyamorous,

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00:28:15.079 --> 00:28:21.200
and I'm very committed to all the
women I'm having sex with. Uh

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00:28:21.279 --> 00:28:25.279
huh, it's just because you have
access to more women. It's not that

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00:28:25.319 --> 00:28:27.880
you're all polyamorous. Okay, I'm
just gonna say that flat out. It's

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because you can and women are allowing
it. We'll say that, not blaming

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00:28:32.880 --> 00:28:37.119
women, to saying it's happening.
So it's not that eighty percent of men

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00:28:37.160 --> 00:28:42.920
out there are narcissists, but one
percent of them actually are, according to

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00:28:44.039 --> 00:28:51.599
data, right, actually have a
bone of eyed narcissistic personality disorder. So

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00:28:51.640 --> 00:28:53.880
how do you know? How can
you spot that narcissist that's showing up.

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00:28:56.119 --> 00:29:00.000
First of all, they tend to
engage in a lot of love bombing.

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00:29:00.680 --> 00:29:06.920
Now, at the very beginning of
any relationship, two people overvalue each other.

401
00:29:07.319 --> 00:29:14.119
You literally, there's research to show
that your neurochemistry actually thinks the person's

402
00:29:14.160 --> 00:29:17.880
better than they are. So yeah, there are going to be some compliments,

403
00:29:18.160 --> 00:29:21.119
some praise, some attention, some
gifts. Let me tell you my

404
00:29:21.200 --> 00:29:26.200
story. One time, on a
third date, a guy gave me a

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00:29:26.240 --> 00:29:30.319
Cardier watch. Now had I known
what I know now, it was like

406
00:29:30.359 --> 00:29:33.279
an early apology, that's what was
happening. It was like, here,

407
00:29:33.359 --> 00:29:37.119
take this now, because there's some
bad stuff that's going to happen, and

408
00:29:37.160 --> 00:29:41.200
I'm going to do it to you. That was it. I found out

409
00:29:41.240 --> 00:29:42.640
he was cheating on me with all
kinds of women. Did they all have

410
00:29:42.720 --> 00:29:49.440
Cardia watches? I don't know.
Here's another way to spot a narcissist,

411
00:29:49.440 --> 00:29:53.480
besides the love bombing bombing. If
you do try to be vulnerable and honest

412
00:29:53.480 --> 00:29:59.440
and express your feelings, they get
irritated and they gaslight you and make you

413
00:29:59.519 --> 00:30:03.200
feel like there's something wrong with you. Well, maybe you just need to

414
00:30:03.240 --> 00:30:06.799
go deal with this, okay,
because that's not my thing, right,

415
00:30:07.359 --> 00:30:12.119
That's how narcissists do. One time, years ago, I met a guy.

416
00:30:12.160 --> 00:30:18.319
It was a fix up through other
people and I we did one of

417
00:30:18.319 --> 00:30:21.400
those overnights at a hotel, but
not in one hotel room, like we

418
00:30:21.400 --> 00:30:23.559
were just going to meet at a
resort that's in my town, and he

419
00:30:23.559 --> 00:30:26.640
said, oh, I'll get you
your own room and we'll have dinner there

420
00:30:26.680 --> 00:30:29.039
and I'm flying in And it was
a fix up through friends, So I

421
00:30:29.119 --> 00:30:30.079
knew him and all that kind of
stuff. I mean, I knew the

422
00:30:30.079 --> 00:30:34.519
friends, and of course he expected
me to go in even though there were

423
00:30:34.519 --> 00:30:38.160
two rooms, expected me to spend
time in his room and that night,

424
00:30:38.279 --> 00:30:45.039
and I chose not to, and
he got so angry. This guy literally

425
00:30:45.079 --> 00:30:48.720
did the flip from being kind and
elegant too angry and rude. And in

426
00:30:48.720 --> 00:30:52.920
fact, we had to drive back
to LA two hours and he was driving,

427
00:30:52.039 --> 00:30:56.079
and he drove, so I was
so terrified. Ugh. So,

428
00:30:56.680 --> 00:31:04.960
yeah, it's a narcissist. They
get irritated. They also maintain this false

429
00:31:06.160 --> 00:31:11.160
idea of security. Narcisses don't want
to get vulnerable. They think feelings are

430
00:31:11.160 --> 00:31:14.160
weird. Do they make you feel
like you're weird for having feelings? And

431
00:31:14.200 --> 00:31:18.720
they are so stealth at changing the
subject and deflecting. I remember I was

432
00:31:18.759 --> 00:31:21.640
dating this guy one time and I
called him and I said something I don't

433
00:31:21.680 --> 00:31:22.839
know, sweet and loving and wanting
to be close to him, and he

434
00:31:22.880 --> 00:31:26.880
said, hey, did you hear
who was hosting SNL last night? He

435
00:31:26.960 --> 00:31:30.119
literally just changed that, So I
was like, did I just say what

436
00:31:30.200 --> 00:31:36.279
I thought? I said? Narcissies
love to go shopping because they want to

437
00:31:36.279 --> 00:31:41.640
control you and your style, right, That's what they do. They it's

438
00:31:41.680 --> 00:31:45.559
not like they're being generous and love
bombing. They want to mold you into

439
00:31:45.599 --> 00:31:51.720
somebody they can control, and they
love to control the plans. Right,

440
00:31:52.119 --> 00:31:56.279
So it seems romantic because they suddenly
have these last minute great concert tickets,

441
00:31:56.319 --> 00:31:59.640
or they call you and say,
you know, one time, this guy

442
00:31:59.640 --> 00:32:02.880
called me and he's chatting with me
and he's trying to It was late at

443
00:32:02.960 --> 00:32:07.440
night too, and he's trying to
get all sweet and sexy and lovy.

444
00:32:07.839 --> 00:32:12.079
And then after I'm taking the bait
a bit, then he says, oh,

445
00:32:12.079 --> 00:32:15.359
by the way, I'm parked outside
your apartment right now. Can I

446
00:32:15.359 --> 00:32:17.480
come up? As if it's this
big romantic gesture, I'm like, that

447
00:32:17.559 --> 00:32:22.720
is creepy. No, you can't
come up. That is weird that he

448
00:32:22.799 --> 00:32:25.599
drove to do that. All right, when we come back, I'm going

449
00:32:25.680 --> 00:32:30.680
to be taking your calls. The
number is one eight hundred five two zero

450
00:32:30.200 --> 00:32:35.920
one KFI. That's one eight hundred
five two zero one five three four.

451
00:32:36.319 --> 00:32:38.960
You can change your name if you
want, because I know these are tender

452
00:32:39.000 --> 00:32:44.079
topics and reminder. I'm not a
therapist, I'm a psychology professor, but

453
00:32:44.079 --> 00:32:46.920
I've written three books on relationships,
and did a dissertation on attachment style.

454
00:32:47.000 --> 00:32:52.200
So I've got some Auntie Wendy wisdom
for you. One eight hundred five two

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00:32:52.279 --> 00:32:55.079
zero one five three four. You
are listening to The Doctor Wendy Wall Show

456
00:32:55.079 --> 00:33:00.160
on KFI AM six forty. We
Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app KFI A

457
00:33:00.319 --> 00:33:02.000
M six forty on demand