Would you rather go skiing or or scuba die? I don't like the cold.
I won't go there. Everything. No, but you have to pick
cat. I'll drink a Margarat Margaret. Somebody get me a Margret. I'm
way too scared of the cold and the water. So that's so crazy.
You just take the most extreme example of the environment. You guy, can't
do it. Have you seen the Revenant? I'm not going up there.
It's too cold, way too cold. Next thing, you know, you
got a fucking bow an hour through your fucking head, you got some you
got some rival who killed your family. I'm not doing that. It's too
cold. Welcome aboard, or should I say I'm gonna try to do it?
Welcome now? That was good start Welcome Aboard. Another Brands Spanking.
The episode of Another podcast Network presents Dan so excited when I hear people from
England or Australia do imitations of Americans. It's very annoying. Yeah, and
we have a lot of Australian and uh I'm British fan and New Zealand fans.
WoT they must be very annoyed by that. Yeah, yeah, but
I thought you nailed it. Thank you. Yeah, Sorry, all you
fucking marmite eaters or vegemite eaters. I'm sorry I get them confused. But
guys, we are back. Do you live near where they filmed Lord of
the Rings? Yeah? How do you like that being the only thing that
Americans think of? Have you seen the Fellowship of the ring Um? All
right? So kangaroos, Yeah, you know, it's so sad seeing them
run away from those fires. But they can hop at a great stee oh
yeah, a great speed. Ye yeah. Babies aren't as fast, but
they carry him in the pouches. There we go. Nature is good at
figuring stuff out. You know who's also really good at figuring stuff out kind
of on the fly is a hot Captain, because I remember he almost killed
a bunch of people in the very land that we are. And I can't
wait to get into a pat hit public service announcements. I'm champing. Okay,
you got well? Actually in this feed, lots of great stuff happening
this week, so you're gonna get obviously, us recapping the reunion, which
I thought was a dud, but Della and I make it fun. We
have it. Who knows what I thought? Did I think it was a
dud did I not? I did? Oh? Okay, so we agree.
We have an interview with Lucky slashed Lucy Edmonds. Our interview with Lucy,
you get more information about what was happening behind the scenes and that goddamn
part one of that ridiculously unnecessary part one belowdeck reunion. See and let's do
this. Let's do this. Um, Gary has to watch the show moving
forward. Oh he By the way, he's such a bad liar. He
did then reflect on scenes that he's watched. But if he didn't clockwork Orange
next season toothpicks in the eyes. You can't just be like, yeah,
I didn't see it, got no idea what you're talking about. It's like,
all right, you're ruining the reunion. Okay, Yeah, God damn
it. The more he's on TV, I had more I dislike him.
All right, So and this is a new crew though this is down on
him, but I'm still doing our little lab. What do you want this
week? If we haven't already as you're hearing this, we have an interview
with Grant and Todd from the Throuple episode where one of those little fire,
little org looking motherfuckers dropped a deuce and didn't clean it up in the toilet,
and they break down the game film, give us the behind the scenes.
You're gonna lie, dude, how much tea was that? That was
a ton of tea. That was a ton of tea. I think Todd
was high, so he I think he had a couple. I think he
had a couple in Berlin. He's having a good time and he's spilling tea
on the pot that'll come later in the week. So this is how you,
guys, thank Dylan and I for giving you so much great amazing content
this week, great amazing American content. You head over to Patreon dot com
slash another podcast network, and you subscribe for five fucking Measley dollars, add
free episodes, uncensored tiers, a little bit more, but there's lots of
fun stuff. There also plenty of gabbing and goofing and Vanderpump rules exclusively there
with my baby Sister, Papaya Dog Ruby Wren. So, um, let's
get into the episode. We gotta give our thoughts and nuts. I can't
you know into the episode is getting into the show, all right, But
if we have not yet delivered our pots, what do you think I've I've
all of a sudden adorned myself with a purple and green suit, and I
have a fucking clown, Like, what do you think is going on here?
I'll tell you what, man, No one can ever turn in a
fucking ten out of ten performance. Every episode you occasionally forget and four goo
of the thoughts and knots sir. Okay, okay, there's only one person
that's perfect in the world, and that was Jesus, and he died of
the Cross for all our sins. Yeah, okay, hey, good job
Jesus, not the dying part, but just being such a fucking stand up
guy. Yeah. Yeah. Should we like Kalen go first? Yeah?
Absolutely? What do you think? Well, at first episode is never too
exciting, but I thought the guests are pretty entertaining. I gave it twenty
four knots. Twenty four knots. Yeah, that was very method and drippy
of you. That's what you're looking for, right, um, you know,
and listen, it's it's tough, but we're looking for brief, but
we are looking for a little bit more energy. Okay, a little bit
more energy. Let's let's be method one and Red Bull sugar free next week
back ahead. Okay, uh turning in an amazing first episode. These typically
can be throwaways, half of its spent I don't know, provisions, showing
up, getting to know the cast, a little bit of sea rat histories.
Yeah, where do you like your dad? No, I don't like
left five of my siblings. Yeah, yeah, okay, we well,
it's tease that we have a love pentagon that's going to happen. So that
was a nice little tease by Kermit, which is an odd kind of label
to put on just typical sea rat behavior. We don't need to geometrize everything.
Okay, it's just a bunch of sea rats fucking and sucking each other.
There's no shape. It's a ball of snakes. Yeah. But I
think below Deck has glommed onto the numbers thing. They really love thrupples and
stuff like that. The scand of all has ruined a lot of Bravo content.
Yeah. Okay, So we have in this particular episode, a single
person providing service for six people. That is so below deck. Yeah.
We start a charter with paying customers with a two down. As far as
staffing, once again, that's so below deck. We have a chiefs to
Kermit who I love as a person, but with a voice so grading it
makes nails on a chalkboard sound like a symphony. I do too. And
then we have hot captain that loves to show his ass, and what more
could we ask for? Uh? And then they delivered us two horrible people,
two truly horrible individuals, which has now been kind of an ongoing thing.
The sailing ended with the thrupple that we're three douchebags, absolutely horrible.
Yea, and now we have the start of down Under with two equally just
you're just gross human beings in Christian What was the sassy gay guy's name?
Oh? I hated that guy so much. Yeah, I hate him,
okay, And oh also, we'd love to have him on the show.
Oh, I'll have you guys on. You can explain yourselves. We're not
gonna buy it. We're not gonna buy it because let me say something about
you two. Okay. You two are the people that I'm always wondering when
I get cut off on the freeway and someone almost killed me and then they
have the temerity to roll down their window and give me the middle finger.
Yeah, that's one of these two, it right. Those are the horrible
people that exist in your daily life that you never find out who they are,
and now they are on this episode. They don't return carts, these
people, they don't return shopping carts. They don't return carts. They think
you should do it. Yeah, a hundred pots. Okay, Um,
I think the cast has promised they're all single. I think yeah, Asia's
not. But um, I'll get to that in a second. Um.
I think it's a really really fascinating wrinkle to bring the captain back to a
place where he caused so much horror. Um, so it would be like,
um, I don't know, like bringing my father back to the canopies
of Vietnam and having him do like a like you know, like a vacation.
Dylan, you're missing something. Captain Chase is good looking. So despite
the fact that he smashed that goddamn boat into that doc, yeah, because
of that accent and an equally sexy apps Apps. It's someone else's fault,
right, That's how human beings operate. You ever see a hot girl spilled
coffee at at Starbucks or something, Yeah, and then multiple people like run
there to throw napkins down. Yeah, it's because the person's hot. Hot
people get away with doing bad things, right, right, that's what up
in there? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, they're freaks, I guess,
in the same sense that the X Men are. Yeah, but they have
superpower right exactly? Um, you know, like hot Girl Magneto, same
kind of thing. Hey, can I give a theory before we start?
Because can I fucking say, my god fucking knots seventy? Go ahead?
I have a theory about this goddamn boat. I think they got it at
a discount. Okay, can we all right? I want to get into
this show because the boat is an important part of this episode, So of
course we start with nowhere else. Asha has returned to Below Deck. Asha
is one of my favorite Below Deck cast members. I think she's she's got
great bands, and it's fun to see her get absolutely steamrolled by subordinates.
I love Kermit too. Yeah, yeah, I'd love Kermit too. But
I am a little concerned. Dare I say in trepidations about a budding relationship
that is a little too much too early, and that is Captain hot Pants
Rack and Lamb hot Pants and Asia. Yeah, I'm not saying there's anything
sexual going on. There's He's got three dopey with dudes with weird haircuts.
Yeah, sitting down an engine room looking at I don't know fucking meters or
start talking about ilia or whatever. Three very not attractive men stay down in
the bottom of the book, like the steerage in the Titann. They'd be
the first to die, although the engineers they probably figured out to get out
of the boat first. He could have asked any one of those assholes to
help him with his goddamn eye contacts. But no, no, no,
no, he asked Kermit to do it, because that's an intimate thing.
Yeah, okay, that's something you do for your husband or someone that at
the very least you bang for three weeks. Okay, just putting that out.
By the way, he's still hot, but he's he's aging a little
bitch, are you as sassy? Kim Cattrall? B my god, before
those go out? Um? All right, so this season we are on
um, we are in canes um can cans on a fucking fishing boat.
Now let's talk about the boat. It's absolutely disgusting. Uh, there's there
you you you can take your Gilligan's kitch and get me on an actual yacht
because this is not it? Okay, This interior of this boat, we'll
talk about the X here. The interior the boat looks like you're weird uncle's
house. Yeah. Does it smell like fucking cigars? And he's a he's
a big collector of all these like weird Maritimes place going on with the mics,
I know we're screaming a lot, but we're very in Are we peaking?
I feel like we're peaking. It's gonna sound magical, Okay, but
let me get into this. His relatives of the weird huncle that has a
house looking like this with the fucking cheap wood paneling a conditioning. The second
this fucker dies, his body isn't even cold yet, and all the relatives
running there is sell all these fucking yeah right away, that's what this place
looked like. But we all know it's converted Japanese fishing boat. This is
not a place where people pay a lot of money to stale. It smells
like unsmoked cigars and microwave bags of spinach and it's fucking gross. All right,
So um, typical below deck shit. As you mentioned, one of
the people we hired cannot come to work on time and you know, people
who are just starting off watching below Deck down under um or blood, you
know, in general, you would you It begs the question like why hire
hire someone else? Right, some hire somebody who can make it on the
first day. But that's not the way this show rolls, right, because
what do we do on this show, Well, we thrust incompetence on wealthy
people at is exactly what we do. We bring them to a breaking point
if they are not psychologically sound, because what the wealthy are about to go
through is a jigsaw killer kind of gauntlet of incompetency. So um Asha just
wants to smash these charters and she's going to be more direct. She's going
to be a direct bitch this year because last season Mangdala was tossing her around
the boat left and right. She's like, Asha, I'm exhausted, I
was fighting with my boyfriend all night. You need to get the funk out
of my face. And Asia was like, oh, I'm sorry. Yeah.
She also used up all the goddamn data that pants and to tell her,
now you've used more data. Yeah, then three vessels. She's like,
all right, double seven, get the funk out of my face,
all right, So Luke comes aboard and we break to talk about how ancient
the fishing boats. The boat is. It's a piece of shit with no
technology, and he tells Luke, um, well, he tells the audience
about about cans. He says, I've I've crashed a fucking boat. He
took out a fucking building. I like how he said, we found a
safe place with no people. Yeah, how'd you know? Yeah? Yeah,
yeah, they told me if three children, that's it though. All
right, so let's meet our bisexual Jewish hero, Zerina Zena. Yeah,
I love her. She is amazing. The bands, as I'll say it
again, bants are unbelievable. The pans bands bants. Yeah, what's the
ban? Oh the bans are yeah yeah, yeah, you know, I
only have one issue. They showed some pictures of her when she was a
little longer, younger. She looked like that vampire demon from let us in
or whatever the fun Let the right one in, suspect what does it call?
H But she's thinking of a Spike Leeue collab. All right, let
the right thing in, do the right thing in? Yeah yeah yeah,
but this German bisexual you let like an angry Italian pizza owner into your house
and he just destroys everything and he lives in a coffin during the day.
Yeah. All right, So this this bisexual Jewish girl aspire to be a
pyromaniac fires and watch the fire you know, the fires happen where people are
burning as the ambulance showed up. But her mother found out and she's like,
hey, you could set fired to food, huh you know, and
then uh, then you can make people happy, you know. And she's
like, you can set fire to things that are dead. Yeah, and
she's like, well, buildings aren't alive, and she's like, yeah,
but they have alive people in them. So let's learn how to cook a
leak and just like that potential serial killer averted. Great job, mom,
that's no. And your kid. It's like Dexter's dad and how she's thirty
and flirty. I don't want to. I don't I don't mean this negatively.
I don't know that I should say this. She just reminds me of
thirty. Oh yeah, okay, she is very thirty years old, and
it kind of bums me out because thirty is not great. I guess the
sea rights just make me sad. Yeah, you know what I mean.
I'll say this, Dylan, what I a little personal patty here. I
the two years leading up to thirty, I was so goddad saying the song.
Now, what is that? It's personal patty, personal patty, personal
patty. Calm okay twenty eight, miserable, twenty nine, miserable. Then
I turned thirty because I put all this like things that I needed to accomplish
by then, and then uh, then by the time I was thirty two,
I was like, who gives a shit? I made it past that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, but yeah, thirties. There's a lot
of pressure on people, a lot of pressure, and when you're fleeing from
that to the middle of the goddamn motion, it only ratchets up. Much
like death, it will find you eventually. Well, speaking of fleeing,
how about Laura from the country called Lapia incorrect? Where is she from?
Latvia? Oh? Lata? Yeah? Because I looked it up and I
was like, what's this Lapia country about? It turns out all they produced
there's dog bowls, you know what, because a dog's lap water up.
I'm so I bit my lip, I'm so upset. But that's why she
needs to get out of there, man, I mean like silly gig in
town a marathon's length to get there, over twenty six miles to get there.
Oh Elatia all right, So um, yes, Laura does arrive.
Her head is rubbed, the side of her head is rubbed by Asia is
just like welcome and just people. She's so sweet. Um and Luke starts
in, already, this guy's gonna this guy's gonna make me, He's gonna
try me. Yeah you think so. Yeah, it's the same reason I
don't like boy crazy women. I don't like guys that are just like just
everything is pussy. Okay, So it's like, dude, fucking what the
fuck are you referring to his uh how he says how he gets I'm referring
to how him saying him flirting with people is going to increase morale? Well,
he says, walking around on the boat with his balls out does that?
So I understand why you'd be upset by it. He wants to walk
around nude in the nude? Did he say that? Yeah, yeah,
that's what brings up morale? He said, Is this a lappie? I
think no, no, no, this is a direct call from this idiot.
Right, let's meet the rest of the cast. First up is Adam,
who is a dumbassy Well he had bad grates, so a teacher helped
him become a sea ride behind that story, you know, Well, he
usually works on cargo ships with old men who chained smoke and the sounds of
probably people in said crates banging, but you cannot open them or you will
be killed. So he's ready to kind of let loose. That's a stressful
work environ. Yeah, yeah, especially it must be tough to work in
an industry where everything that it involves terrifies you. Yeah, scared of water.
It's scared of water. And we'll get to that in a moment.
The lanky scuba nerd is up next. Harry More on him, I think
when they gave the teaser, I think he's the one that gets fired,
by the way, Yeah, I think so too. Um. All right,
so crew meeting because we've got to threaten to fire everyone and talk about
flat and diema. Um. You haven't mentioned the name of the boat yet.
Sun Mountain, Northern Sun, sorry nothern Sun. I love that song.
No, who is that Texas Sun? Texas son? It's that Leon
Bridge it's Leon Bridges with Kronga band. Great song. H have it on
vinyl because you know, we do that Silver Lake thing where we're like,
come over for wine. We'll put on some records. We'll put on a
Lee on Bridges record. I got a better idea. How about I stay
home, I'll beat off. I'll go into the room with my wife with
a bottle of wine and we'll watch date Line. God damn that sense,
Oh god fucking just crushing chicken tacos from Pekito moss and masturbating. That is
disgusting, all right, So um our first meeting, our first meeting.
All joking aside. He's not quite as fraudulent or intense as Lee is,
but he is pretty intense. He's like, you know, I'm so glad
you brought that up. All right, So I'm I don't want to skip
to the end, obviously, because we gotta kill some more time here.
But I wish Lee was to kill some more time or passionately and comedically recap
below Deck Dan on the latter. Yeah, I wish Lee was on the
back of that boat when someone said I'm the captain down and then the second
person said, you're a bitch. Yeah, I would have loved to see
capitially handle that. Yeah, because I how do you think you would have
happened? I think he would have just uh went up to the bridge and
started driving the ball back to the dock and then smashed it into the dock
going through the front window. Because this is in fact the end of his
life, right right right. But were he to survive that incident, him
and U Hot Captain rack of lamb Hot Captain would be like, it's crazy,
you can't stop the thing you're in that moment. Lee's like in that
moment, You're like, it's gonna stop, but I'm not gonna be the
one that does it. And Captain's like, and I same fucking crazy.
These two are dangerous, totally all right, totally. We are in cans.
We get some searette history. Um, Harry is an adventure rap,
Luke, and you stopped me whenever you store um and I should do ask
you to do meanwhile, actually, um so wrap Luke. UM's just so
much so soon he um. He says two down, let's do it,
and then he starts to kind of like fake punch like rats Harry scubin herd,
but don't pretend like you're punching me, because right, you know,
we don't know each other yet. We don't know each other. That's like
the drunk GUYE at the bar who's like you under her, ye end her.
It's like, yeah, it's my wife, Please don't touch her,
all right? So, um, Laura, we get a little uh see
write history on her as well. So at a one table restaurant. But
COVID killed that, yeah, and and someone argue the marketplace killed it,
but COVID didn't help. So it's like, we can't run a business like
this. We can only turn this table over twice in a dinner service.
It's one table. She's like, oh, let's see, and then the
pandemic comes. She's like, COVID killed Thank god I have that excuse.
Yeah, yeah, never mind. So, um, we have a no
service area. What's going on? Why did I write that note down?
Okay, equipments old in the kitchen, So let's get in this kitchen all
right, provision show up. Who gives a shit? I do appreciate that.
Hot Captain Jason helps out provisions to do that, and Glenn does that
as well. Yeah, Captain Lee never did that for these reasons he's lame.
Um, well, that's not the obvious reason. The obvious reason is
that he's at an age where falls kill. Right. Yeah, going to
your own eightieth birthday party kills yeah. Surprise yeah, and then you shut
yourself this kitchen, Dylan, you know, a surprise lunch could kill.
We got your favorite. Oh. I told you we shouldn't have brought him
the kebab. He loves it too much. He never eats it. I
said he was gonna flip out the garlic sauce he did killed him. Okay,
this kitchen was designed, Dylan. If if we go back to the
history of the boat to serve bread and soup three times a day. Soup,
it's just broth. I can't believe they did this season not to facilitate
ten chorus plates. Right, it's so below deck. Yeah, all right,
so we have a big thing to get to. Oh. I think
I know where you're going with this. It's the first of the season,
so let's hope our young knight does well. I think he will, Dylan.
Of course, the new season, it's a fresh start. He's officially
he's not mid season. I don't know when he started with us, but
yeah, I think it's time. Let's watch him mount his steed and ride
into battle, because it is time for the friend shade Mane. Charter number
one, number one, seven guests. The primary is Carmen Felder. She's
a retired Air Force veteran turned founder and CEO of her own PR firm.
She's the primary. She's the primary. I know this is the seventh one.
He called the captain a bitch and jumped back in the ocean. I
want to point this out so I hadn't caught this again. Forgive me for
breaking the rules here, Kaylin. Carmen is the one that told Cristel she
had something in her teeth. I can't remember who it was, but I'm
doing the math here. So that's interesting that, Christal, I think you're
actually incorrect. You do. Yeah, okay, you may continue. But
what were you going to say though, if there's a hierarchy of who actually
charted this motherfucker and you are in fact guest? YEA, when your friend
or whatever says you have something in your teeth, you don't say, don't
do that to me right now? Yeah? Well, I mean that depends
on if you want to have the kind of friends circle. Excuse me,
where you lured over your monetary wealth. You're not that kind of guy.
I am not. Sorry, No, I can't believe that that is you're
taking that defense of Crystal. Crystal is a truly awful person. Oh no,
no, no, no, I'm not defending her at all. I'm
one hundred percent correct. Go ahead.
Kit. Carmen is bringing along her best friend Brandon, along with her other
friends that work in investments in real estate firms. Yeah sorry, let me
just get my tits back back in the Let me just cover up my titties.
Rold the primary wants to be greed with a lemon drop martini champagne for
her guests and a mocktail for Crystal, who doesn't drink. Yeah that was
fun. Oh it was fun with that kermit mocking face, vegetarians and fake
drunks. Yeah, I love fake drunks. They're so funny. I can
handle myself. It's vacation. They want to experience the sea walker helmet diving
over the Green Island about never do that? Wait to talk. Oh that's
sub exploded. I don't need this experimental bullshit. You ain't get me in
that fucking helmet. Patrick, it's three feet under water. I don't care,
man, my head would implode. Technology it's not been proven yet.
Why do you come swimming? No? No, now that ocean thing exploded,
going for the taere. We're snorkeling, Patrick, I'll take a margarite.
I'll wait for my friends. Maybe half of them will make their way
back. Yeah. Would you rather go skiing or or scuba? Die?
I don't like the cold. I won't go there either. No, but
you have to pick as I can. I'll drink a margarat. Somebody get
me a margara. I'm way too scared of the coal and the water.
So that's so you just take the most extreme example of the environment. You
guys can't do it. Have you seen The Revenant? I'm not going up
there. It's too cold, way too cold. Next thing, you know,
you got a fucking bow an hour through your fucking head. You got
some you got some rival who killed your family. I'm not doing that.
It's too cold. I even like pelts. All right, go ahead,
yeah, alright, Night one. They want to find dine on a seafood
extravaganza. Choogie horse shit. Yeah, she pulled it off though, Yeah
she did. And Night two, the guests want to Mulan Rouge theme party.
They also want the crew to join in and form the can Can.
Okay, okay, that's it. That ends the preference includes the preference.
Oh that concludes the preference. So had he not? I mean he just
needed to end it properly? But I think he did a great job.
Yeah, no, he did a good job. But um, who's the
woman that like blew her achilles out and she's still stuck? The landing?
Oh I remember that you're talking as yeah, yeah, yeah, oh that
was amazing, right. So if Kaylin had done that but not landed it
in at about of just athletic heroism but rather like tore the other one,
that would be the kind of the landing but crazy tricks in the air and
whatnot. I'm gonna give it eighty one. Pot. Well we'll see him
four years. You got another shot four years? Yeah? All right,
where the hell are we? Oh? Yeah? Okay? So Zarena takes
pride in going through all the preference sheets and with a fine tooth comb.
I think was that Nancy Carrigan or was that the no that she was the
ice skater no, there was a girl because a Saturday night Life completely spoofed.
Every shot was her captain, the mail coach, carrying her around with
her leg bandage. It turns out like she'd go to a coffee shop,
but he was still carrying her around. Yeah, I love that. That's
a great idea for his sketch. Yeah, that's a coke sketch. He
hired that U doctor that just got charged with xty things. On a serious
note, a sad note as well. I think he was implicated that.
So h layer Bear, you're talking about Lara? Oh yeah, yeah,
yeah, layer Bear is having a tough time in prison. I think you
just got stabbed seven times. Good Um, okay, where was it going
with that? Oh? Her suitcase hasn't arrived. Let's stop talking about pedophilic
abuse. Yeah, you have a fun show about sea rats and in confidence
being thrust. So definitely, Laura's not from a country called Lapia. No,
no, no, She's from a country called Latvia, which was part
of the USA. Um and um, you know, you know, depending
on which way the geopolitical wind blows, might be back in the USSA very
very soon. Who knows though. Um, all right, so she is
not an innocent or sweet girl. Yes she is. Uh, now,
let me tell you this. Sure, I think she was saying that she
went to go we'll get to a dime, to an outfit change. I
think she was taking a ship. That's fine, but she is also a
hard worker and she's bringing the right attitude to below dack della right, Yeah,
she's ready to have a good time. Yeah, listen, I thought
she killed it at the end of the episode. Absolutely, all right.
So let's get to what we were talking about in the beginning of the episode.
In that is contact gate. Hot captain Rack a dick hot captain.
If they haven't had sex, they will have sex. Oh do you really
think? I don't. I think that's intellectually lazy, you do, all
right, I'll say this. I'll say this. So we had on a
thruple with Colin, Gary and Daisy. Eventually you let down your guard and
you're gonna start fucking somebody. Yeah, if it's not going to be kermit,
I think Captain Jason has it in him in a later a later season
to actually be having sex would a subordinate I think that they're both thinking about
it, okay, mate, more so him because I do think that she
really loves her boyfriend. But you know, sometimes you're going to bed and
you you dance through the tulips a little bit, you think about banging that
hot rack of dick captain up there. Who you know, Oh you need
help with the other lens, No problem. Oh how did my shoes come
off? You tuck them off with your teeth. That's gross. And then
you start like having sex. That's what happens. That's happens, all right.
So, um, the we got a little sea rat history. Yeah,
yeah, this is and I say this lovingly, Um dumbass adam Um
is talking about how he a man is, somebody who provides for his family.
Well I think that was a little, uh, a little shade towards
old Papa. Yeah, because he says that's what men do. Yeah,
except they didn't do it for you. So I think that's a shot towards
Papa. Easy at him. We got plenty of season, see rats,
season for you to fill us in on how horrible your childhood was. Okay,
buddy Jesus Christ. All right, So we get a big getting ready
montage and that is when the guests arrive Asia and a SpongeBob SquarePants kind of
moment tears her scort, and then we get the flutes in the mocktails.
Ready, Now, Carmen is an indecisive monster, so she's thrown away any
and all dates and chips that she's received. You talk about Crystal referred to
her his Carmen. No Carmen, Oh, Karmen. Carmen's the one that
didn't want the mock I think, so, Nah, it's Crystal all the
way, is it Crystal? Yeah? Either way, one of them.
And apologies for not getting the details right. We just had a lot of
below deck to watch this week, and I want to say this, Dylan.
Look, I don't care when you're paying a lot of money. You
deserve great service. And I've said and I would do this if I get
to grace the bow of one of these boats someday. If I'm getting not
the treatment I feel I deserve, I'll take a dump on the on the
front of the bot. Right. But you're not gonna be rude like this,
No, um. When Crystal had said that she was, I don't
know, I guess immediately entering the vote, she leaves the program and orders
a lemon drop or something like that. Yeah, yeah, and then when
the drink is not handed to her an inappropriate manner, she begins doing the
I'm on vacation. Yeah yeah, Crystal, you and Brandon or Carmen,
whoever it was. I don't want you to be eaten by sharks, but
I want them to grace up against your leg, graze your leg, just
to scare you a little bit, because you're a horrible human being. All
right, let's get too feuding almost instantaneously over the rooms. Um. But
luckily for them, one of the great charcuterie boards in human history. I
mean, we've not seen a charcuterie board quite like this since I don't know,
when Versailles was kind of like a hip place to go. Yea,
yes, um, I don't think Caesar had a charcuterie this large, No,
you know did Maybe the pig would take up too much space. Back
when Versailles is just fucking Michael McDonald and the rest of the studio guys just
fucking hanging out. Have we seen a charcotterie board like this? And there
I felt this throughout the entire pretty wasteful as well, by the way,
yeah you know you saw it. It was half eaten, and then the
sea rats pick at it like seats, pick at it like like it's carrion,
and you don't need a split open passion fruit there. But again we're
trying to impress these people, and impressed they are not. They really take
this for granted and just begin shoveling the nitrate meats into their fucking cram holes
or whatever you call them. Um, all right, so um the boat,
Oh my god, one propeller all right. So, so, as
is customary with below deck, we have to have borderline um illiterate, incompetent
people running the vessels at least one or two. Um, but you also
need a vessel that is by all regulatory highways and byways ill fit to be
piloted by anyway anyone, especially somebody who has already killed and maimed numerous people
in a crash in this exact longitude and latitude. Can I tell you something
when you look at this boat that has been converted into a luxury yacht,
says Kermit. Yeah, Wes Anderson's not so cute in the real world.
If I brought my wife on this vacation. Yeah. As we entered the
dock to see the boat that we would have been charted. My wife would
be tearing up yea yea, not out of joy, right, but out
of embarrassment and sadness. This boat is pathetic. It looks like it could
have like one of those fucking ah, I don't know, fucking missile launchers,
just more closer to getting ready for war, right right, right,
it is for luxury. L It's like a crude, nuclear powered Chinese outfit.
That's my point. They keep spitting those things out. They can't sell
vacations on this thing, right, but they do. It's so below deck
um all right, so this is Laura Gate. Laura is no, oh
no, Well, first we have to get to dumbass who is scared of
the water. Oh yeah, but he was shrewd enough because he's from Brooklyn
to tip the swimming instructor wink wink a Benjamin pass me. Yeah, that's
not gonna help him a whole lot if this vessel goes down. Now,
it's well not and if someone has to pass licensure kind of gauntlet's to get
to a commercial status and listen, no systems perfect, but to have a
swimming instructor this apathetic to the law lives of the people that are going through
the training. I mean, it's quite a blemish and it's something that needs
to get looked. At twenty dollars, there is There is not a matri
d at Sizzler that you can tip twenty dollars to get through the seasonly,
and not only that, telling that you know this whole like skip in the
line or pass it. It's one thing to pay some instructor to get you
take your SAT scores. Yeah right, there's another one to make it look
like you know how to swim. Yeah, yeah, yeah, Alyssa Myers.
And there's just some Asian kid. You're a Lyssa Myers. Yeah,
yep, all right, everybody, you're gonna break in fourteen hours. We'll
see that, all right. So, um, Laura is nowhere to be
found. Milwaukee is not working, and it looks like we've got another Magdalena
on our hands here. Laura has a very snooty attitude about out where she
was. She has to do her hair, she has to do her makeup.
It's gonna it is gonna take time, much like Lana del Rey at
Glastonbury exactly. Um, but she does not have her set blown out.
She does in fact look good, and she will in fact do a gender
service and kill it. Right, But also, this is not a beauty
pageant. You are literally wiping up feces, so let's speed up the process,
miss congeniality. Um all right, Um, the most captain thing ever
hot Captain rack a lamb, hot ass fucking captain favorite food is a pickle,
a cashew and a block of cheese. Heyboddy, how do you think
he's uh escapes those fucking lamb chops? Right? Okay, yeah, what
whatever for? Lamb? So lunch is served? Um, what would we
do? Go get it? Is my note? The note says, what
would we do? Go get it? What could I have possibly been talking
about? Well? We was that referring to Zerina or recollecting a story where
she prepared lunch and then oh thank you pat God, I love you.
Yes, of course that's she recounts a story where why why don't you take
it away? You deserve it? Well, she was really excited to uh
serve lunch and then us, I'm paying customer, just throw it against the
fucking wall. Yeah, and then uh yeah, some co workers help pick
it up, and she's really emparrassed and that's exactly what we would do.
If we were served any of Keiko's food or anything like that, we would
throw it over. Definitely do it if I was serve nachos with corn on.
But well, the cold corn does not belong on nachos, and you
have to have melted cheese on nachos. It can't just be chips in a
casserole dish with tomatoes and cornport Sandy, are you serving those? Yeah?
Oh okay, let me ask you something about your homosexuals that's relevant, all
right, Mahi mahi, And really no info on said fish. Very disappointed
in Bravo. We know that the food is an important part of the show.
Let's get into the food a little bit more. But I understand it
is the first episode. Let's get to Crystal aka Chrissy aka the Queen of
the universe, aka someone who has shit on her face and someone who needs
a good friend to tell her that she has shit on her face. Now,
this little remark, as we'd think it would just be a throwaway thing,
perhaps a little uncomfortable moment between two friends, it puts the entire party
into a spiral, right, a total spiral, and it is one of
those comments where it's so innocuous. Dare I say helpful and altruistic? But
it's such a nothing that it would be oh thank you or oh laughter,
But not with Queen of the Universe. Do you tell Thanos he's got spinach
in his teeth? No, you'll get zapped into you know, the I
don't know, the nothing zone or whatever? Are you my wife? And
then when I'm having a good time feeling myself at a restaurant with friends there
say, did you die your beard today? Because I know where you're going
with that shree you're mocking me. That happened at Laurel Tavern. It happened
in another engagement. Yeah, I know what she was trying to do.
You were pretty hammered this week. I was trashed. It was really fun.
God, I love when packets hammered. He turns into queer eye for
the straight guy. Just he's just he becomes Jonathan Vaness. You want to
quote me, Yeah, let's let's do this. We walk into a pet's
event and and Pat comes up to my wife and and he says, guys,
and he kind of wipes down his body and I go, what are
you doing? He gets pretty hot huh, looking pretty hot huh, And
Cecy says, yeah, I know, you look great. Pat He goes
a couple of fans that I had a hot little body. All right,
guys, there's sangria over there if you want, and then you literally just
be lined away from this all right, now, all right, So I
want to say this, Well, Crystal gets the whole party fighting with each
other Kermit mentions she can't believe these people can be arguing this much in a
beautiful country on a super yacht. Yeah, now it's worth mentioning. Only
one of those things are correct. The walls of the interior of this vessel
are wood paneling. This is what your annoying husband puts on his walls in
his quote unquote man cave right right. It's not a place for a luxuryatt
Yeah. No, it looks like a place where snails would be on the
walls. Fucking gross. So anyways, we get to the seawater helmet diving
thing. Nope, yeah, no, I know. The reason why I
would say no is just because this is the worst part about ocean shit.
Like I'm fine, you know, um having my own agency kill me or
or let me guide through the water. I don't want to be in a
shallow pool of water with some twenty thousand leagues under the sea, kind of
fucking facocta helmet on my head and have all these little fucking mackerels just coming
up and biting my nipples and ship like. I don't want that. I
want an eel or something. I want to see the eel swimming in the
corals underneath, and when I do, I'll go time for me to get
out. Yeah, but the turtles, the whale sharks, I want.
I want to the whale sharks. Would it would be cool they were swimming
around you, but still very bad. I'd also argue, though, I
get the whole thing. We I think they canceled that show, the adventure
version of Below Deck good. This one down Under. They're gonna at least
every episode is gonna have them going on some kind of quote unquote excursion,
and Captain Jason will have that fucking I don't know that bow and arrow gun
that he fucking blows into a fucking sting rays assholes Like, Hi, I
was fucking here, yeah, just minding my own pist yes, and then
you come down here, yeah, with whatever that thing and you shot me.
The sting Rays like, hey, let me ask you something. When
did your people get here? And he's like, oh, I don't know,
like a couple hundred years ago. Yeah, well try a couple million,
buddy. Okay, I am, but you know, because I think
I deserve a little respect. Is what I'm saying is this Stingray has like
a Rhode Island kind of elitism to him. And he's he's like way out
of line, way out of line, way out a line. All right.
So, um, Serena I love has this these bants. She's just
got these bands. She says, um, you know, she mocks them
for having their first beer, and when Asia almost walks into her in the
kitchen, she goes, almost kiss me there. You're gonna have to explain
that to your boyfriend. Just great bands. I love it, you know.
Um. So Asha gets a little gas lit here by the Latvian spy.
I think, Um, she one table restaurant. I mean, come
on, give us a better cover story there. Even Um she says,
Okay, you can take a break if you want, and she goes,
you thought I wanted a break and Asia goes, oh my god, you
are so amazing. This is the woman that said I'm gonna take as long
as I need to do my fucking bright You see where this goes. She's
a crafty one. Laura right now, I'll say I I don't know where
I stand with Laura. M all right. So dinners, tiger pronze,
oysters, crabs. Captain Jacobal Trades comes in and says, I'll boil some
shows. I love that he did that, Yeah, I mean it endears
him. The dinner is certainly a seafood extravaganza. We've got everything. We've
got lobster tails, we've got the crab, We've got all the food that
you can get you know, better on like red lunch table trays, like
if you're really gonna eat the anyway. I just it's so fucking how many
times have we done the seafood extravaganza thing. It is lame. But I
will say this, we don't appreciate it. But you know who appreciate it
it less is the people. Oh oh, the two dudes say fuck this
because Brandon starts getting really wasted, and then every I guess, uh,
what's her face? Crystal, She's passed out at this point. She'll later
second wind like like like Uma, I love how she's gonna be on like
different time zones than the rest of the people on the ball. They'd love
that. Wait up at ten Yeah yeah, yeah, she's like doctor who.
All right, so um we yes, we somehow get into another fight
and then Laura gives us a quote where she is ready to fall in love
on a boat. You and I have watched the show long enough to know
that that is quite literally an impossibility. Dare I'd say, mission him.
Yeah, she's looking for a hospital. We've seen it though. We've seen
a baby sea rat come out of there. We have seen a baby sea
rat with an absentee father. Deadbeat dads called Tom like as deadbeat dad.
Um Champagne is asked. We round out the episode with Brandon getting up and
just being a drunk, little bad bad Brandon. He's drunk, little bad
boy right now. The only thing I would have done differently, I know
the interior was trying to be nice. I would have said, I'm sorry,
we can't serve you well. I thought that his for for as snooty
and bitchy as they were the entire time time. I don't know why he's
apologizing to Asia because he wants a drink. Well, that's why, get
me a fucking drink. You don't have to be rude about it, but
you also don't have to be apologetic. Let's find a middle ground. You're
paying for the vacation. It's twelve I want to drink now. Okay.
So this was obviously the best part of the episode in my opinion. It's
worth mentioning, which we did not talk about, that Captain hot Pants had
talked with his boats in earlier and he wanted him to keep a guy up
all what kind of call was this from Luke? It was an odd one,
but and this is gonna bite him in the ass soon. We'll see
in the next day because as Laura is left as the only security guard slash
work or whatever we have, Crystal and Brandon ask if they can go swim.
Laura politely says no. And I love how Laura handled this. She
was lots of bad yeah, total badass, but polite and I think professional
because you have to be sternum and she alerted them paying customers. Remember,
this is going to reflect on the tips. So it's counterintuitive to how you're
going to talk to people that you're hoping they give you a big fucking envelope
of money. Said, now I'm gonna have to alert the captain. Yeah,
and I have we only saw this, well, we didn't even see
this, uh this kind of behavior. We saw an old, gross white
woman jumping and Captain Lee had to yell at her and threaten the vessel be
turned around. But I haven't seen drama like this since season one, episode
one with eyelash Johnny, yeah, who was doing blow all night anyway,
Crystal announces she's the captain now when captain comes out and Brandon calls Captain Jason
a bitch, I hate them both. I think they're assholes. You want
to Jessica craze that maybe bite an arm off? Oh wow, you know
you can die for that kind of thing. Well, yeah, possibly,
But I love the first episode. I think I think the night's gonna end
and then it's gonna be down with a whimperer. The next day, they
both apologize to hot Captain. I think so too, and I hope not
for ours, but we'll see you next week. It's a TBC kind of
episode to kick the season off. Kick the season off with aiding your favorite
below Deck podcast go on the iTunes ratings interviews, leave five stars, leave
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subscribe. Join us on Patreon for more, and follow us everywhere on the
socials. We love you guys very much. On Bill and Saying Goodbye,
Kaylen say goodbye later, pat Say goodbye. Lay it out,