WEBVTT

1
00:00:00.480 --> 00:00:08.640
In this episode, dude, this
is weird. Yeah wow, okay,

2
00:00:08.960 --> 00:00:12.800
but like, doesn't it make sense
though? Kind of in a way everything

3
00:00:12.839 --> 00:00:17.160
does and doesn't, which makes it
make sense more. Yeah, wow,

4
00:00:17.760 --> 00:00:27.960
okay. In this episode today is
my first record with someone new who is

5
00:00:28.000 --> 00:00:32.000
not Mary. This is the this
is the first moving forward episode as a

6
00:00:32.000 --> 00:00:38.640
matter of fact, and it is
also part two of the Funeral. Actually

7
00:00:38.679 --> 00:00:44.399
this isn't the first episode moving forward. I mean it is already listeners are

8
00:00:44.439 --> 00:00:47.240
like, what the fuck? People, okay, and they're also like,

9
00:00:47.280 --> 00:00:51.840
we know, Kirsten, come on, okay. So Funeral part one I

10
00:00:51.880 --> 00:00:54.880
recorded with Kimberly Anderson. Okay,
so I guess it only makes sense that

11
00:00:54.920 --> 00:01:00.880
part two I'm recording again with someone
new and this episode will out after the

12
00:01:00.960 --> 00:01:04.560
Christmas episode, so you kind of
already know what's coming people, And here

13
00:01:04.599 --> 00:01:07.439
it is, which, by the
way, I have not yet recorded the

14
00:01:07.519 --> 00:01:14.040
Christmas episode. We'll do it to
whatever fucking order we want. Maybe this

15
00:01:14.120 --> 00:01:19.040
could be the Christmas episode, joined
us sing we wish you whatever. But

16
00:01:19.120 --> 00:01:26.920
yeah, this is the intro so
Funeral episode Part two. We'll take a

17
00:01:27.000 --> 00:01:36.840
quick break and we'll be right back. You know what, this is raw

18
00:01:36.959 --> 00:01:42.359
and this is real. I don't
know how to fucking start the episode.

19
00:01:42.640 --> 00:01:47.200
That's cool, seriously, so well, shit just kind of hit me.

20
00:01:48.400 --> 00:01:53.760
Fuck funny. Hey, I brought
a roll of toilet paper. Thank you.

21
00:01:53.120 --> 00:01:57.519
I'm welcome, Okay, I guess
I'm starting out and I'm trying intros.

22
00:01:57.560 --> 00:02:02.280
I I was just saying, I've
never done the intro. How did

23
00:02:02.359 --> 00:02:09.360
it go? It was like Welcome
to Latter Day Lesbian, where uh the

24
00:02:09.680 --> 00:02:15.520
X the story about an next morning
Mormon gay girl girl trying to figure out

25
00:02:15.599 --> 00:02:19.840
her life, her life. And
I'm gonna say I'm Shelley because I that's

26
00:02:19.919 --> 00:02:23.240
me now and you always have been. Yeah, I always have been,

27
00:02:23.240 --> 00:02:28.919
but I always said it second okay, because I'm Mary, and then I'm

28
00:02:28.919 --> 00:02:36.199
I'm Shelley. But now it's it's
I'm Shelley. And a special guest host

29
00:02:36.240 --> 00:02:42.319
who will be appearing often and frequently. Introduce yourself, Kirsten. Hi,

30
00:02:42.800 --> 00:02:50.199
my name is Kirsten, Kirsten Morgan
and Hi, dude, Hey dude,

31
00:02:50.360 --> 00:02:57.919
Hey, this is HM. This
is gonna be one. It's going to

32
00:02:57.960 --> 00:03:00.479
be one. I didn't know I
would get emotion, of course you are,

33
00:03:01.159 --> 00:03:06.960
dude. Fuck, it's okay,
cry, you know what I am

34
00:03:07.479 --> 00:03:15.400
okay, and she is a therapist
of mine, one of the many it

35
00:03:15.479 --> 00:03:21.360
takes a lot to run this shit
show of Kirsten, a therapist of mine,

36
00:03:21.400 --> 00:03:24.599
said, when you feel like you
need to cry, cry because the

37
00:03:24.639 --> 00:03:31.759
only way you can release the chemicals
that your body needs to release is through

38
00:03:31.800 --> 00:03:37.039
tears. And that's why when you
have a good cry after you're like,

39
00:03:37.159 --> 00:03:39.400
oh my gosh, I think I
just needed to cry, you know,

40
00:03:39.520 --> 00:03:45.439
I'm not. No, you're waying
it perfectly or what I never cried and

41
00:03:45.560 --> 00:03:49.719
felt worse. No, you cry
and then you're like, okay, cool,

42
00:03:50.680 --> 00:03:55.840
purge, purge. Yeah. I
So this this episode I was thinking

43
00:03:55.879 --> 00:04:00.879
would be emotional because of the content. I didn't expect to get smacked in

44
00:04:01.000 --> 00:04:06.840
the face with the fact that it's
not Mary. Yeah, but fuck it,

45
00:04:08.039 --> 00:04:13.199
I'm really real and it's about being
real and about being vulnerable and about

46
00:04:13.240 --> 00:04:15.920
talking about shit. So no,
I'm not gonna cut the recording off and

47
00:04:16.040 --> 00:04:18.800
have a cry and then come back
and act like everything's fine. This is

48
00:04:18.839 --> 00:04:26.800
going to suck. Yeah, and
that is okay. And you also don't

49
00:04:26.839 --> 00:04:30.519
have to do it. You can
abord mission anytime. I could. But

50
00:04:30.680 --> 00:04:36.120
we're already down here in your kid's
basement bedroom who moved up. But that's

51
00:04:36.160 --> 00:04:46.079
another story. So where am I
today? I am right now in Salt

52
00:04:46.199 --> 00:04:51.240
Lake City. It was kind of
a last minute trip plan to come out

53
00:04:51.279 --> 00:04:59.079
and visit my dad. So I
had intended to record Funeral Part two with

54
00:04:59.439 --> 00:05:04.600
my good b at Kirsten because we
are very alike in our hearts and our

55
00:05:04.639 --> 00:05:09.720
and our feels in I don't know. Kirsten's good people and she gets me,

56
00:05:09.920 --> 00:05:14.079
and I know it's gonna be a
great episode. Also, can I

57
00:05:14.160 --> 00:05:17.920
just like AAJA right here? Yes, Shelley is good people and this world

58
00:05:18.439 --> 00:05:27.240
needs people like Shelley. Shelley has
all of the feelings and the biggest heart

59
00:05:27.439 --> 00:05:33.240
and the capacity to feel all at
once, everything everywhere, all at once.

60
00:05:33.600 --> 00:05:39.279
It's the movie. Yeahs Oscar,
that's my fucking life. Where's my

61
00:05:39.480 --> 00:05:44.040
fucking Oscar? Shelley's Oscar? Will
you make me wonder when I come out

62
00:05:44.040 --> 00:05:48.040
again the Academy? I will make
you an Oscar? Oh, will you

63
00:05:48.040 --> 00:05:50.680
give it to me next time I
come out? Yeah, it's gonna maybe

64
00:05:50.759 --> 00:05:54.600
no, A'll surprise it with you, But I feel like it's going to

65
00:05:54.680 --> 00:06:00.800
be Oscar the Grouch, you know, Kirsten. Fuck you because you're grouchy,

66
00:06:00.959 --> 00:06:06.959
just because Oscar the Grouch is the
shit Oscar and Oskar like this gold

67
00:06:08.120 --> 00:06:12.600
man with his hands together. Yes, I don't know about that, but

68
00:06:12.680 --> 00:06:15.240
I do know about Oscar the Grouch, and he's super duper. It was

69
00:06:15.240 --> 00:06:19.720
always my favorite in Sesame Street.
Always. And right now I'm having a

70
00:06:19.759 --> 00:06:25.720
feeling that the fans are saying,
Wait a second, are Shelley and Kirsten

71
00:06:25.800 --> 00:06:31.199
together? Are they a couple?
Let's stop this right then and there before

72
00:06:32.319 --> 00:06:36.680
before everything goes hey wire. No, the answer is no. I know

73
00:06:36.720 --> 00:06:41.279
everyone's wondering, like, what's going
on with Shelley? Is she dating?

74
00:06:41.360 --> 00:06:44.399
Blah blah blah. No, Kirsten
and I are not dating. Kirsten is

75
00:06:44.399 --> 00:06:47.959
actually married to a wonderful woman by
the name of Anne, who I adore

76
00:06:48.040 --> 00:06:56.439
almost as much as Kirsten does.
Kirsten is simply my heart friend. I'm

77
00:06:56.439 --> 00:07:03.600
a confident I don't know that song. I had a party what are you

78
00:07:03.680 --> 00:07:09.800
saying? And invited everyone I knew. Come on, it's Golden Girls.

79
00:07:10.199 --> 00:07:14.360
Okay, sorry, no, I've
seen that much so everyone, he said,

80
00:07:14.639 --> 00:07:19.079
tell me that my mom was Rose. Everyone tells me I'm right,

81
00:07:19.279 --> 00:07:28.279
Shut the fuck up, all Rose, she's a little ding doug. Uh

82
00:07:28.360 --> 00:07:33.600
huh, yep, yep. From
where was it Saint Olaf that she was

83
00:07:33.600 --> 00:07:35.959
from, saying, Oh my god, you're right, You're right. That's

84
00:07:36.000 --> 00:07:41.759
funny. Well that was a throwback, wasn't it. It was? So

85
00:07:42.439 --> 00:07:46.879
I'm here because I have not seen
my dad since the funeral. You know,

86
00:07:46.920 --> 00:07:50.839
it's an interesting relationship with my dad
because I love my dad. I

87
00:07:50.879 --> 00:07:55.639
like my dad. I love my
dad, but I never have felt the

88
00:07:56.000 --> 00:08:00.680
I guess the poll to be protective
of him. I guess so. With

89
00:08:00.720 --> 00:08:03.560
my mom, I came out to
Utah a lot to be with her,

90
00:08:03.800 --> 00:08:07.879
because, for one, I knew
that she really liked having me around,

91
00:08:07.920 --> 00:08:11.959
and I want wanted my mom to
be happy, and I was worried about

92
00:08:11.959 --> 00:08:13.399
her, and I would come and
help her in things, and yeah,

93
00:08:13.399 --> 00:08:16.680
i'd visit my dad too. With
my dad, I just haven't. I

94
00:08:16.680 --> 00:08:20.639
don't know. Do I sound like
an asshole saying I haven't wanted to come

95
00:08:20.680 --> 00:08:22.279
see him. I don't mean it
like that, but let's be honest.

96
00:08:22.360 --> 00:08:26.360
My life has been a complete shit
storm since the funeral, Since before the

97
00:08:26.399 --> 00:08:30.920
funeral, I mean, I think
everyone at this point knows that Mary and

98
00:08:30.920 --> 00:08:33.399
I broke up and then my mom
died, and so it hasn't been like

99
00:08:33.519 --> 00:08:39.360
I've kind of been in a great
headspace anyway. That's an excuse, but

100
00:08:39.440 --> 00:08:43.759
I'll I'm using it because it's valid. But also, your dad has been,

101
00:08:45.639 --> 00:08:50.200
uh, he's been complicated. Yeah, yes, I don't know.

102
00:08:50.240 --> 00:08:54.159
I'm not trying to put words in
your mouth, but no, you're right.

103
00:08:54.440 --> 00:08:58.600
It's a little bit like your mom. It's your mom for crying out

104
00:08:58.639 --> 00:09:03.519
life. Your mom, it's your
mom. She was so approachable and so

105
00:09:03.519 --> 00:09:09.159
heart heart heart, and your dad
has been a little combative, you know

106
00:09:09.840 --> 00:09:15.759
as much, and like more complicated. So yeah, it takes maybe a

107
00:09:15.799 --> 00:09:22.240
little bit more energy to want to
lean into that, but like you do

108
00:09:22.320 --> 00:09:28.240
it right, of course you do
right. Absolutely, it's no, you're

109
00:09:28.279 --> 00:09:31.720
right on there. And it made
me think of I had a complicated relationship

110
00:09:31.720 --> 00:09:33.159
with both of them as I was
leaving the church, because you know,

111
00:09:33.360 --> 00:09:37.159
no one likes when their daughter leads
to the church and starts an anti warn

112
00:09:37.360 --> 00:09:41.200
podcast. It doesn't really sit well
with them. But my mom and I

113
00:09:41.240 --> 00:09:46.799
got to a place of healing,
of apologies and of healing and mutual respect

114
00:09:46.879 --> 00:09:52.240
and mutual admiration, and it was
beautiful. What about those apologies? Tell

115
00:09:52.279 --> 00:09:56.279
me? Yeah, So, so
my mom had and I have had conversations

116
00:09:56.320 --> 00:10:05.159
where she has a paulologize for things
that she did as a mom. And

117
00:10:05.240 --> 00:10:09.799
this is see now my mind's going
like to Gavin and you know people with

118
00:10:09.879 --> 00:10:13.559
kids when there's like this big where
the kid rails on the parent, like

119
00:10:13.600 --> 00:10:16.840
you did this and you did that. Oh, I wouldn't know anything about

120
00:10:18.080 --> 00:10:22.600
not a thing, would you never
two weeks ago? No, Yeah,

121
00:10:22.639 --> 00:10:26.519
we might need to talk about that
if you're willing at another time or whenever.

122
00:10:26.840 --> 00:10:28.120
I mean, we can talk about
it now, but this is more

123
00:10:28.519 --> 00:10:33.080
about yeah, the deal. Okay, So the healing with my mom and

124
00:10:33.120 --> 00:10:37.840
I became it was her apologizing to
me. But that wasn't what I needed.

125
00:10:37.960 --> 00:10:43.480
I needed her to understand why things
had hurt me, and she did

126
00:10:45.639 --> 00:10:50.000
and that so when she did,
and that was the apology that just healed

127
00:10:50.080 --> 00:10:56.320
me and any kind of resentment I
had toward her gone, and that moved

128
00:10:56.399 --> 00:11:05.080
forward into just loving her and understanding
that the things that she did as a

129
00:11:05.159 --> 00:11:09.720
parent growing up that were harmful to
me, it was because of the way

130
00:11:09.759 --> 00:11:13.679
she was raised. It was because
of the pressures put on her. Was

131
00:11:13.720 --> 00:11:20.000
because of how she thought she was
supposed to act and I'm just being in

132
00:11:20.039 --> 00:11:22.360
a cult, Yes, you have
to act this way. Yes, And

133
00:11:22.440 --> 00:11:30.960
so she did, yeah, and
also realizing that it was unfair of me

134
00:11:31.080 --> 00:11:35.000
as I left the cult, and
I say, I saw, holy shit,

135
00:11:35.799 --> 00:11:39.480
what a bunch of harmful, fucking
bullshit, Like I see it right,

136
00:11:39.720 --> 00:11:43.039
Yeah, And so my anger is
there, and so I'm pissed that

137
00:11:43.120 --> 00:11:48.240
she doesn't see it. I didn't
try to get her to see it,

138
00:11:48.600 --> 00:11:52.960
but the fact that she the way
that she hurt me, I guess growing

139
00:11:54.039 --> 00:11:58.120
up from the cult, Now that
I'm seeing it's just such a bunch of

140
00:11:58.200 --> 00:12:01.240
bullshit. It made me like,
how could you not? You know what

141
00:12:01.240 --> 00:12:05.159
I'm saying. Yeah, And now
that I'm the anger isn't swirling anymore.

142
00:12:05.879 --> 00:12:11.320
I can see why she did things
that she did because of the cult,

143
00:12:11.799 --> 00:12:16.960
and I'm not pissed off at her. I'm like, yeah, of course

144
00:12:18.000 --> 00:12:20.600
you said those things. She's a
victim too, exactly, you said those

145
00:12:20.639 --> 00:12:24.759
things, you did those things.
I forgive it, and you actually are

146
00:12:24.919 --> 00:12:30.799
seeing how it hurt me, right, And that was very healing, And

147
00:12:31.000 --> 00:12:35.000
from that point it was just so
much easier to have this love relationship between

148
00:12:35.039 --> 00:12:39.919
her and I now my dad.
I know my dad loves me. I

149
00:12:39.960 --> 00:12:43.919
know he does. I know he
would do anything for me. But he

150
00:12:43.960 --> 00:12:50.000
and I never had that moment.
He's never said I'm sorry this made you

151
00:12:50.080 --> 00:12:56.639
feel that way. He's never acknowledged
like actually when I have This has been

152
00:12:56.720 --> 00:13:00.840
years ago at this point, like
three four years when I when I did

153
00:13:00.879 --> 00:13:03.559
tell him things that he said or
did because of the church and how they

154
00:13:03.600 --> 00:13:07.879
hurt me, he just brushed it
off and laughed. So did he really

155
00:13:07.159 --> 00:13:11.240
laugh? Yeah, he laughed like, oh yeah, your life was so

156
00:13:11.399 --> 00:13:13.559
hard ha ha, you know,
just kind of being a dip. Okay.

157
00:13:13.840 --> 00:13:18.039
And again I'm not holding that against
him, not acknowledging, not validating

158
00:13:18.159 --> 00:13:24.159
absolutely, okay absolutely and saying like
okay, okay, poor poor you.

159
00:13:24.320 --> 00:13:28.159
Oh gosh, life was so hard, you know. And again I'm not

160
00:13:28.200 --> 00:13:33.559
mad about that anymore. But I
can see why I haven't had this closure

161
00:13:33.600 --> 00:13:37.720
in bond with my dad. But
again, to be honest, my dad's

162
00:13:37.799 --> 00:13:41.639
not super touchy feely anyway, So
none of it's kind of a shocker that

163
00:13:41.759 --> 00:13:43.799
I, you know, I don't
call my dad every day. I don't.

164
00:13:45.120 --> 00:13:46.639
I'm not like, oh my god, I want to call my dad

165
00:13:46.639 --> 00:13:48.639
and tell him blah blah blah.
They're just that never has been there,

166
00:13:48.679 --> 00:13:54.879
it still isn't now, And so
I never felt like this huge pull to

167
00:13:56.039 --> 00:13:56.799
like, oh, I need to
go spend time with my dad. I

168
00:13:56.840 --> 00:14:00.919
need to go spend time with my
dad, because there's just I don't know

169
00:14:01.080 --> 00:14:05.600
just is this makes sense? Yes
it does. And from what I know

170
00:14:05.799 --> 00:14:11.679
of you, you've had struggles with
your dad where he will call you,

171
00:14:11.120 --> 00:14:16.360
and he will call you over and
over and over again. It's like over

172
00:14:16.399 --> 00:14:18.080
and over with nothing important to say
except what he wants to tell me.

173
00:14:18.240 --> 00:14:22.480
There's never there's never been a close
relationship, right there was nothing to do.

174
00:14:22.639 --> 00:14:28.480
He's not asking you about how you
are and stuff like that, and

175
00:14:28.159 --> 00:14:35.879
that's you know, he has dementia. Of course, it's your your mother

176
00:14:37.399 --> 00:14:41.679
had demensia. You know, he's
he's dealing with all of that. I'm

177
00:14:41.679 --> 00:14:46.840
not providing excuses. I'm just saying
I don't think there really needs to be

178
00:14:46.879 --> 00:14:52.200
an excuse, like your dad is
who your dad is, and your mom

179
00:14:52.279 --> 00:14:54.360
is who your mom is, and
I don't know, I've had to come

180
00:14:54.440 --> 00:15:01.320
up with a lot of acceptance right
now with my own family and just kind

181
00:15:01.399 --> 00:15:05.679
of having to be like, these
are grown ass people that have made their

182
00:15:05.720 --> 00:15:11.159
own grown ass decisions, and I
get frustrated, and but I mean,

183
00:15:11.200 --> 00:15:16.519
we can we can do that at
another time. We'll have a care since

184
00:15:16.559 --> 00:15:22.759
frustrated episode. Yeah, oh god. If we kept going on frustrations,

185
00:15:22.759 --> 00:15:26.759
this would be like a seventeen hour
frustration and listeners would be like, I

186
00:15:26.759 --> 00:15:31.960
thought this was funeral part two and
then it turned into an airing of grievances.

187
00:15:33.320 --> 00:15:37.399
Yes, best of us, Yes, oh god, okay, that's

188
00:15:37.399 --> 00:15:41.399
funny. But yeah, it's of
course, like you're not being like I

189
00:15:41.480 --> 00:15:46.919
want to chill with my dad and
have conversations with my dad because your dad's

190
00:15:46.919 --> 00:15:52.879
been difficult. Yeah, it's been
really hard, especially over the last five

191
00:15:52.960 --> 00:15:56.600
years for sure. Absolutely, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So

192
00:15:56.679 --> 00:16:00.320
this is my first time coming back
out to see him. The reason I've

193
00:16:00.320 --> 00:16:03.399
come out is, you know,
he doesn't he hasn't called me much lately.

194
00:16:04.399 --> 00:16:07.399
But I talked to my two brothers
about it, and they're like,

195
00:16:07.440 --> 00:16:11.240
yeah, dad's losing his shit,
like Dad's ginny skinny, Dad's whatever.

196
00:16:12.080 --> 00:16:15.080
And this is when I so just
to revisit this. I have my oldest

197
00:16:15.080 --> 00:16:18.639
brother named David. He lives in
the area he's not a great human.

198
00:16:19.080 --> 00:16:22.639
He's caused a lot of problems within
the family and with my parents. And

199
00:16:23.240 --> 00:16:27.480
that's like, that's like a Scandal's
episode right there. So if you're wondering

200
00:16:27.559 --> 00:16:33.159
what that is, yeah, it
turns out David's kind of a Doche the

201
00:16:33.240 --> 00:16:37.200
douchiest. So I was like,
you know what, I need to go

202
00:16:37.240 --> 00:16:41.000
out and see Dad before Christmas.
Like, come on, don't I can

203
00:16:41.080 --> 00:16:44.759
do this. So I booked a
ticket, and then my brother Mark,

204
00:16:44.840 --> 00:16:47.600
Oh, I'm sorry, David's the
oldest. Then there's Mike, and he's

205
00:16:47.679 --> 00:16:51.240
a doctor. They live in Florida. He and I get along great.

206
00:16:51.320 --> 00:16:55.559
Then there's Mark, uh, he
lives in Washington State. He and I

207
00:16:55.559 --> 00:16:57.320
get along great. Never any issues
between the three of us anymore, which

208
00:16:57.320 --> 00:17:00.120
is awesome. And so anyway way, Mark was like, well, I'm

209
00:17:00.120 --> 00:17:03.000
going to fly out too, you
know, maybe we can overlap by day

210
00:17:03.039 --> 00:17:07.160
and hang out like sweet. And
then my brother Mike was like, oh,

211
00:17:07.440 --> 00:17:08.680
well, hey, I'm going to
be in Hawaii and I'll be flying

212
00:17:08.720 --> 00:17:12.400
actually into Salt Lake to pick up
my daughters to go to Boise. So

213
00:17:12.920 --> 00:17:15.480
I think we're all gonna overlap by
like a day. Look at you guys,

214
00:17:15.519 --> 00:17:21.640
circle in the wall, I know, hashtag tender Mercy or some shit.

215
00:17:22.400 --> 00:17:26.759
Yeah, it's a homecoming, total
homecoming. I don't know. As

216
00:17:26.799 --> 00:17:30.759
I'm talking and I'm like, this
is the this is the first episode in

217
00:17:30.160 --> 00:17:34.039
the new year for me, with
it being solo. I'm just having all

218
00:17:34.039 --> 00:17:37.680
of these ideas pop into my head
about things that I want to talk about,

219
00:17:37.720 --> 00:17:38.759
and so I'm just I don't know. I know, we should have

220
00:17:38.799 --> 00:17:44.680
brought a notepad. We will never
forget this, okay. But the one

221
00:17:44.720 --> 00:17:48.759
thing I thought about was, like, the relationships that have healed with me

222
00:17:48.839 --> 00:17:52.119
and my two brothers. It's been
fucking awesome. And I'll talk about them

223
00:17:52.119 --> 00:17:56.039
in the future episode because there's there
is a lot of healing after culting,

224
00:17:56.039 --> 00:18:00.680
you know, Yeah, you can
leave the cults and heal people who are

225
00:18:00.680 --> 00:18:03.680
still in it. Yeah, and
I'm experiencing that and it's wonderful. It's

226
00:18:03.680 --> 00:18:06.799
not always wonderful, and it's not
with all people, but you know,

227
00:18:06.960 --> 00:18:11.440
the ones that are they really matter. Anyway, I digress. So I

228
00:18:11.680 --> 00:18:17.599
flew into town and Kirsten picked me
up and let me crash on her couch,

229
00:18:17.640 --> 00:18:22.480
which was awesome. Met the wife
and she's amazing, and then the

230
00:18:22.480 --> 00:18:27.720
next day, I Kirsten dropped me
off over where my dad lives. So

231
00:18:30.119 --> 00:18:34.880
my dad he is not good,
you guys, he is. So I'll

232
00:18:34.880 --> 00:18:37.799
back it up for a second.
When it was COVID, that was kind

233
00:18:37.799 --> 00:18:40.960
of when all the shit started hitting
the fan with my parents. If you

234
00:18:41.000 --> 00:18:42.960
all remember that my dad had quit
eating, he had dropped a lot of

235
00:18:42.960 --> 00:18:45.640
weight. He was skinny. He
weighed about one hundred and seventy pounds,

236
00:18:45.680 --> 00:18:49.799
like just super skinny, like dude, what the hell? And we got

237
00:18:49.799 --> 00:18:53.920
them all moved out. And this
this entire stories in previous episodes, so

238
00:18:53.920 --> 00:18:56.920
I'm not going to redo it.
Like, go back and listen again if

239
00:18:56.920 --> 00:19:02.519
you don't know the story started episode
Thank you, Fie, thank you.

240
00:19:03.200 --> 00:19:06.920
This is the first time I've been
like co podcasting with someone where I wasn't

241
00:19:06.920 --> 00:19:12.200
the one to say that it is
fun to see progression. Oh yeah,

242
00:19:12.319 --> 00:19:15.480
no, I for sure. And
you're missing out on stories if you don't

243
00:19:15.480 --> 00:19:18.680
go back to episode one. Okay, So he was like one hundred and

244
00:19:18.680 --> 00:19:22.480
seventy pounds roughly, we got him
move, got him up to like hovering

245
00:19:22.559 --> 00:19:30.000
around one seventy five one seventy six, which was Doable's skinny but better my

246
00:19:30.319 --> 00:19:36.880
dad now weighs. This morning,
he weighed one hundred and thirty eight pounds.

247
00:19:37.039 --> 00:19:42.599
Oh no, he is six foot
one. Okay, yeah, he

248
00:19:42.640 --> 00:19:48.000
shouldn't be that skinny. And listen, I you know, my brother Mark

249
00:19:48.039 --> 00:19:49.799
has flown out here a lot of
times. He lives in Washington States.

250
00:19:51.079 --> 00:19:52.319
He flies out a lot to check
on my dad, and so we're all

251
00:19:52.359 --> 00:19:56.680
aware, you know. But I
think the combination of having all three of

252
00:19:56.720 --> 00:20:03.279
us together was like, okay,
to get shit done. And so I

253
00:20:03.359 --> 00:20:07.400
sat for two days and watched my
dad and it was basically he just wanted

254
00:20:07.400 --> 00:20:11.480
to lay in bed. He would
get up and go to the bathroom and

255
00:20:11.480 --> 00:20:14.559
then go back and lay in bed. But yeah, all day, you

256
00:20:14.599 --> 00:20:18.799
know, his he might be shutting
down his organs. Oh yeah, might

257
00:20:19.000 --> 00:20:25.279
be shutting down. Did they tell
you that at the care centers? They

258
00:20:25.400 --> 00:20:30.880
say, hey, listen, Maybe
they didn't say anything about organs specific organs

259
00:20:30.880 --> 00:20:33.480
shutting down. But of course,
the less you eat, the less energy

260
00:20:33.519 --> 00:20:37.359
you have, which makes you eat
less, and then you sleep more and

261
00:20:37.400 --> 00:20:40.839
you eat less and you move less. And yeah, I mean it's I

262
00:20:41.000 --> 00:20:45.359
feel like it's the natural progression.
Yeah, definitely. I mean, any

263
00:20:45.559 --> 00:20:51.400
hospice person would tell you, Yeah, that's this is Yeah, it shuts

264
00:20:51.440 --> 00:20:55.079
down, sure, yeah, and
you stop eating. Yeah, and yep,

265
00:20:55.720 --> 00:21:00.559
and he's he doesn't he doesn't want
to eat. And so if no

266
00:21:00.599 --> 00:21:04.480
one's there actively putting food in his
mouth, it just doesn't want to eat.

267
00:21:04.480 --> 00:21:07.079
I mean he'll like go grab a
popsicle out of the freezer from time

268
00:21:07.119 --> 00:21:11.319
to time. Yeah, but clearly
if you've dropped that much weight since you

269
00:21:11.319 --> 00:21:15.200
know, my mom died in August
of just this last year of twenty twenty

270
00:21:15.240 --> 00:21:18.160
three, so yeah, last year, that's a lot of weight to drop,

271
00:21:18.440 --> 00:21:26.000
yeah quickly. Yeah, he used
to be super social, mister social

272
00:21:26.000 --> 00:21:32.519
guy. Now he's a hermit.
He doesn't want visitors because I think he's

273
00:21:32.559 --> 00:21:34.400
embarrassed. I don't know, this
is me putting words in his mouth.

274
00:21:34.559 --> 00:21:41.359
What do you mean about visitors who
like the other residents or yeah, I

275
00:21:41.359 --> 00:21:44.279
mean he doesn't go out of his
room on his own anymore. And if

276
00:21:44.279 --> 00:21:48.880
someone comes over to visit, like
Mark's son Luke comes to visit sometimes,

277
00:21:48.960 --> 00:21:52.279
and it's just kind of a painful
sort of it's like because he's got to

278
00:21:52.279 --> 00:21:56.440
get out of bed, you know, and what if he's had an accident,

279
00:21:56.279 --> 00:22:00.079
and yeah, maybe he just you
know, he just wants to go

280
00:22:00.119 --> 00:22:02.160
to sleep, Like, oh,
this person is staying a really long time.

281
00:22:02.200 --> 00:22:06.359
I just want to go to sleep. Yeah, So he the enjoyment

282
00:22:06.359 --> 00:22:08.559
in his life is nothing. I
don't He didn't smile the whole time I

283
00:22:08.640 --> 00:22:14.640
was there, And of course I
cracked jokes because I'm the funny one,

284
00:22:15.400 --> 00:22:22.039
you know, I don't say,
but he didn't laugh. He just looks

285
00:22:23.039 --> 00:22:32.519
exhausted, exhausted. So he was
in the act of living side of Jamestown.

286
00:22:32.559 --> 00:22:37.359
It's the retirement or the senior what
would we call what is it called?

287
00:22:37.480 --> 00:22:38.759
We called him old folks homes back
in the day. We don't do

288
00:22:38.839 --> 00:22:44.039
that anymore. Yes, we're gonna
go with that. My mom before she

289
00:22:44.160 --> 00:22:48.400
passed, was in the memory care
side, which has a lot more lot

290
00:22:48.359 --> 00:22:52.599
Yes, yeah, and so decision
was made. I'm like Mike, Mark,

291
00:22:53.039 --> 00:22:56.000
I think Dad's got to go to
memory care. This is this is

292
00:22:56.079 --> 00:23:00.400
fucking nuts. And we talked about
it like yeah, you know, will

293
00:23:00.440 --> 00:23:04.599
help him make the decision, but
the decision has kind of been made.

294
00:23:06.039 --> 00:23:11.920
So to what happened all day today
is Mike and Mark and I with zero

295
00:23:11.039 --> 00:23:15.559
help from David, of course,
because he doesn't help us douche town.

296
00:23:15.680 --> 00:23:18.960
Yeah, because yeah, douchetown who
actually lives in town but cannot help.

297
00:23:19.839 --> 00:23:27.680
Oh, I know I will anyway, but I get protective of Yes,

298
00:23:27.799 --> 00:23:33.759
I really slap well, I just
kind of want to be like, hey,

299
00:23:33.839 --> 00:23:41.039
you you you like I'm kind of
like McFly you, hey you take

300
00:23:41.079 --> 00:23:45.960
her damn hands off her? Like
I just get I don't know. I

301
00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:48.200
mean, I say things like I
want to slap him in the stupid face,

302
00:23:48.720 --> 00:23:53.559
and I mean it, but what
I ever actually sat? I wouldn't.

303
00:23:53.920 --> 00:23:57.400
I just said could, No,
I couldn't. Okay, I know

304
00:23:57.559 --> 00:24:02.680
you shouldn't anyway. I just I
want to slap him on his stupid mouth.

305
00:24:03.119 --> 00:24:07.799
Not ever, I'm so rude anyway, continue cut that out. No,

306
00:24:07.200 --> 00:24:14.880
I leave it in Dan Dan anyway, So we spent all day today

307
00:24:15.000 --> 00:24:18.440
moving my dad. Well, first
we talked to this warning and it was

308
00:24:18.440 --> 00:24:21.599
like, hey, dad, so
this is kind of what we're thinking.

309
00:24:21.640 --> 00:24:25.880
Do you think it's a good idea? And he just shut down. Yeah,

310
00:24:25.920 --> 00:24:27.799
because he'll lay in bed and open
his eyes and talk sort of.

311
00:24:29.000 --> 00:24:33.519
But he basically pretended like he had
fallen back asleep immediately. I know he

312
00:24:33.599 --> 00:24:37.079
hadn't. He just shut down,
And so we just said, okay,

313
00:24:37.160 --> 00:24:41.559
Dad, well we feel like this
is the best thing for everyone, and

314
00:24:41.640 --> 00:24:44.720
so we're going to do this and
it's going to be fine. You can

315
00:24:44.839 --> 00:24:48.160
just lay here and nap and we'll
take care of it. So yeah,

316
00:24:48.359 --> 00:24:52.359
that we all fucking day was moving
all of my dad's ship and my day

317
00:24:52.640 --> 00:24:59.279
into a new room. Okay,
good, I'm glad that happened. Is

318
00:24:59.319 --> 00:25:04.960
he does he remember? Like what's
his His long term memory is decent,

319
00:25:07.079 --> 00:25:11.160
But when we told him we were
moving him and why, then he he

320
00:25:11.319 --> 00:25:15.319
you know, for plaly the first
couple of hours he was asking us every

321
00:25:15.519 --> 00:25:18.039
twenty thirty minutes, what are we
what are you doing? Why are we

322
00:25:18.079 --> 00:25:22.160
doing this? This is ridiculous.
Yeah, okay, so memory care,

323
00:25:22.400 --> 00:25:26.880
Yeah, definitely, I wonder I
remember. I mean not to laugh,

324
00:25:27.000 --> 00:25:30.480
but no, you're you're right,
You're right. It's just gallows humor at

325
00:25:30.480 --> 00:25:37.519
this point. Yeah. So again, that was today, and that's why

326
00:25:37.559 --> 00:25:42.640
I'm out here my dad. I
don't know if he'll be around much longer.

327
00:25:44.039 --> 00:25:47.960
I don't know at this rate.
No, will he eat more in

328
00:25:48.000 --> 00:25:51.920
the memory care He'll have more opportunity, he'll have more people wanting him to

329
00:25:51.960 --> 00:25:53.359
eat and trying to get him to
eat. But at the end of the

330
00:25:53.480 --> 00:26:00.400
day, if dude's over it,
he's over it. And the sounds a

331
00:26:00.400 --> 00:26:04.279
little cold. Maybe it's because I'm
kind of I've kind of stepped back emotionally

332
00:26:04.319 --> 00:26:08.920
from my dad way more than I
did my mom, and I just if

333
00:26:08.960 --> 00:26:15.240
I look at it logically, homeboy
is miserable. Well, it sounds like

334
00:26:15.359 --> 00:26:22.160
acceptance, Like maybe you have gone
through several of okay, so the grieving

335
00:26:22.240 --> 00:26:26.079
process, Yeah, all of those
steps. Right, maybe you've done a

336
00:26:26.119 --> 00:26:32.480
lot of them already, especially with
your mama, but with your pops,

337
00:26:33.400 --> 00:26:37.759
you've probably already gone through it.
You're not denying it, right, right,

338
00:26:38.319 --> 00:26:41.799
You're not angry, right, And
I don't know. You're right,

339
00:26:41.839 --> 00:26:47.000
I'm not angry. I don't miss
him. That sounds bad maybe, but

340
00:26:47.200 --> 00:26:52.839
I don't like It's not like I'm
worried about losing this relationship that I have

341
00:26:52.880 --> 00:26:56.279
with my father because it just really
isn't much of one. Yeah, that's

342
00:26:56.359 --> 00:27:02.480
fair. Really, Yes, I
sound I feel No, No, you

343
00:27:02.599 --> 00:27:10.920
don't. It's okay to admit that. It's not even admittance. It's okay

344
00:27:10.960 --> 00:27:18.200
to acknowledge that you just don't have
a close relationship with your pops and especially

345
00:27:18.519 --> 00:27:22.519
not lately. But it's okay,
Like you're not a bad person. I

346
00:27:22.559 --> 00:27:27.920
mean, it just is what it
is. And I hate that phrase is

347
00:27:29.680 --> 00:27:38.079
but but it is what it is. It actually fits, it actually is,

348
00:27:38.440 --> 00:27:44.359
And I think we beat ourselves up
over shit like that. And if

349
00:27:44.400 --> 00:27:49.640
I can just give you some mercy. You came here to help your pops

350
00:27:51.079 --> 00:27:56.880
who needed to be in memory care. That's what it's called, who needed

351
00:27:56.920 --> 00:28:00.799
to be in memory care. You
showed up, you're here. Are you

352
00:28:00.880 --> 00:28:06.680
going to be all huggy and we're
all gonna understand each other's jokes and isn't

353
00:28:06.720 --> 00:28:08.880
this great? And like let's nuzzle
each other. No, that's never been

354
00:28:08.920 --> 00:28:12.599
your relationship, and especially now at
the end of his life, it's not.

355
00:28:14.319 --> 00:28:17.519
He doesn't want that. He wants
to go to sleep. Yeah,

356
00:28:17.559 --> 00:28:22.319
he's done. He doesn't want to
eat, he doesn't really, he's confused,

357
00:28:23.240 --> 00:28:26.640
and he's like, what the fuck
are you doing with my shit?

358
00:28:26.400 --> 00:28:32.039
Yeah? Yeah, Well what we're
doing with your shit is we're moving you

359
00:28:32.160 --> 00:28:36.720
to a place where people are going
to care for you and help you to

360
00:28:36.759 --> 00:28:41.119
eat. As long as you're interested, that's it. But that his whole

361
00:28:41.200 --> 00:28:47.680
life has been that. That's true. As long as you're interested. Shit.

362
00:28:47.920 --> 00:28:51.279
Yeah, I guess he's always been
the one to kind of call the

363
00:28:51.279 --> 00:28:56.079
shots, you know. Yeah,
and I guess it's only fitting that he

364
00:28:56.200 --> 00:29:00.400
calls the shots on the way out
too, Yeah, your joys. Yeah,

365
00:29:00.440 --> 00:29:03.759
and he's shitting himself, yeah,
and pissing himself. I don't mean

366
00:29:03.799 --> 00:29:07.920
to be crude. I really's a
really bad way, but like it's real,

367
00:29:08.240 --> 00:29:11.799
Okay, I don't Yeah, I'm
just kind of a sailor in my

368
00:29:11.839 --> 00:29:18.359
mouth. But like if I was
defecating and urinating on myself, take me

369
00:29:18.440 --> 00:29:23.279
out, please, please, Like
if someone has to help me clean myself

370
00:29:23.400 --> 00:29:29.160
off. I mean I would appreciate
that people doing that, but I would

371
00:29:29.160 --> 00:29:33.039
be very sad. Yeah, and
I would kind of be like, I

372
00:29:33.079 --> 00:29:36.599
can't take care of myself anymore,
so maybe I just want to go.

373
00:29:37.000 --> 00:29:41.640
Yeah, And especially someone like my
dad, who has never leaned on anyone

374
00:29:41.680 --> 00:29:45.279
for help ever. He's always been
the one. He's doing it all.

375
00:29:45.599 --> 00:29:48.680
He's the doer. So to have
him be the one who has to have

376
00:29:48.759 --> 00:29:56.319
someone like clean him off, can
you imagine? God? No, I

377
00:29:56.359 --> 00:30:00.799
mean I know only okay, we're
in our forties, but even when I

378
00:30:00.880 --> 00:30:07.680
get sick at this age, I'm
just kind of a lone wolf. Yeah,

379
00:30:07.880 --> 00:30:11.359
I kind of want to. I
don't want people watching me throw up.

380
00:30:11.599 --> 00:30:15.519
No, no, no, no, I want people to, you

381
00:30:15.519 --> 00:30:19.839
know, after I've thrown up and
I've handled my shit in the bathroom,

382
00:30:19.839 --> 00:30:25.119
but I've done all of the girl's
bodily fluids. Do I want someone to

383
00:30:25.200 --> 00:30:29.400
tell me that they love me?
Do I want them to stroke my head

384
00:30:29.440 --> 00:30:32.759
and tell me I'm pretty? I'm
just kidding, but I know you're not.

385
00:30:36.119 --> 00:30:41.680
But but I don't want people to
see me do that, because that's

386
00:30:41.799 --> 00:30:45.839
your most vulnerable, Like you feel
like you're going to die. Yep,

387
00:30:45.240 --> 00:30:53.319
you feel literally shitty. Yeah,
that would suck us so bad. And

388
00:30:53.359 --> 00:30:59.519
he's like, okay, well,
I'm just this dude that just shit himself.

389
00:31:00.039 --> 00:31:03.480
It's horrible here I am, and
now someone has to help me because

390
00:31:03.519 --> 00:31:07.720
I can't do it. Yeah,
that would be so hard. I know

391
00:31:07.079 --> 00:31:14.720
everyone has their like culpability with that. Yeah, but I think my level

392
00:31:14.839 --> 00:31:18.759
is like way low. I be
like, you know what, I've shipped

393
00:31:18.799 --> 00:31:22.000
myself five times now, I'm over, Bring me the smothering pillow right,

394
00:31:22.119 --> 00:31:29.079
where's that drip? Please? With
the more y and me where it is?

395
00:31:29.160 --> 00:31:33.759
My mom my? Mom? She
would pee yourself and be like,

396
00:31:33.920 --> 00:31:37.839
guess what, I just peed and
laugh like it because it was such a

397
00:31:37.880 --> 00:31:42.920
different personality, Like that is so
cute, that's so Rose, Honey,

398
00:31:45.000 --> 00:31:48.720
it's so Rod back in Saint oh
Off when I pissed myself. Oh my

399
00:31:48.759 --> 00:31:56.359
god, wasn't Wasn't that great?
That's awesome? Yeah, point being that

400
00:31:56.440 --> 00:32:00.440
sounds horrible. I hope my dad
goes sooner rather than lay or for the

401
00:32:00.519 --> 00:32:05.559
sake of everyone involved. I think
it's the most I think it's the kindest

402
00:32:05.559 --> 00:32:07.599
thing that can happen at this point. Anyway, That's why I'm here,

403
00:32:07.640 --> 00:32:13.119
and I'm sure I will be doing
more episodes about my dad as things progress.

404
00:32:14.720 --> 00:32:17.000
But yeah, we were going to
start with the funeral part two,

405
00:32:17.039 --> 00:32:20.720
and then Kirsten walked in the door. I was already her house, and

406
00:32:20.759 --> 00:32:23.400
she's like, we need to talk
about your dad because it's fresh and it

407
00:32:23.480 --> 00:32:25.160
just happened. I'm like, fuck, you know what, Yeah, you're

408
00:32:25.240 --> 00:32:29.880
right because it's in my head and
I'm it's why you're here right now.

409
00:32:29.960 --> 00:32:34.119
That's true, good point, That
is why I'm out here. Literally.

410
00:32:35.160 --> 00:32:38.160
Okay, so we've covered that.
Okay, about your pop, Dad's in

411
00:32:38.200 --> 00:32:44.279
memory care, go there. We
go. This was literally just a few

412
00:32:44.279 --> 00:32:45.759
hours ago. Yeah, no,
yeah, this is what I was doing

413
00:32:45.799 --> 00:32:52.200
all this This is bullshit. It's
hard. Okay, So let's talk about

414
00:32:52.240 --> 00:32:54.839
your mom's funeral. Yeah, so
I made some notes. Oh good,

415
00:32:55.359 --> 00:33:00.759
and check this out my mom's funeral. Who was back in August, And

416
00:33:01.960 --> 00:33:06.680
I recorded that funeral episode with Kimberly
just a few days later. It was

417
00:33:06.759 --> 00:33:09.119
very fresh and wow, just a
few days later, Yeah it was.

418
00:33:09.240 --> 00:33:15.319
It was fresh in my mind smokes. And then yeah, I just kind

419
00:33:15.319 --> 00:33:20.000
of forgot about it. Not forgot
about it, but like you all know,

420
00:33:20.079 --> 00:33:24.359
my life has been a shit storm
for the rest of twenty twenty three,

421
00:33:25.759 --> 00:33:30.359
so many other things I've had to
be dealing with, and so when

422
00:33:30.400 --> 00:33:34.359
I was realizing, shit, I
need to do Funeral part two, I

423
00:33:34.400 --> 00:33:36.880
was like, well, I should
probably listen to Funeral Funeral part one because

424
00:33:36.920 --> 00:33:40.000
I don't remember it. I listened
to it. I don't know, like

425
00:33:40.039 --> 00:33:45.880
a week ago. That shit took
me back there. I was crying while

426
00:33:45.920 --> 00:33:52.599
I was listening. It was like, oh no, this still is in

427
00:33:52.680 --> 00:33:57.880
me, this still hurts. There's
still so much of course, yeah,

428
00:33:57.960 --> 00:34:01.160
that's your mama. Yeah. It
was interesting because I hadn't thought about it,

429
00:34:01.200 --> 00:34:04.039
and I'm like, oh, let
me listen to that episode real quick

430
00:34:04.039 --> 00:34:07.679
so I know where to pick it
up again. Oh fuck, I was

431
00:34:08.679 --> 00:34:14.239
shit, you're going to be scratching
the surface for yes many years? Oh

432
00:34:14.360 --> 00:34:20.880
god, probably, I know.
So not a recap, but I remember

433
00:34:21.039 --> 00:34:24.639
at the end of the episode of
part one, Kimberly was guessing that I

434
00:34:24.679 --> 00:34:28.719
will well have said a bunch of
swear words in the talk that I was

435
00:34:29.079 --> 00:34:31.840
going to give in the funeral.
Yeah, but guess what, No,

436
00:34:31.960 --> 00:34:35.920
I didn't swear at all. So
all of you who had money bets saying

437
00:34:35.920 --> 00:34:39.840
that I would say swear words,
No, you lost? Yell lost?

438
00:34:40.320 --> 00:34:45.800
Yeah lost? What'd you do?
Well? I'm I'm gonna tell you all

439
00:34:45.880 --> 00:34:50.480
right. The things that hit me
listening to that episode again was basically,

440
00:34:50.519 --> 00:34:52.400
again, you know, the whole
feeling like I needed to ask permission from

441
00:34:52.480 --> 00:34:57.320
prese to authority, like that whole
it's just still in there. I don't

442
00:34:57.639 --> 00:35:00.960
I don't know at what point and
ex Mormon gets in their lives where it

443
00:35:00.960 --> 00:35:07.199
doesn't feel and the dressing of the
body and putting on the temple clothes all

444
00:35:07.239 --> 00:35:09.559
that shit. Yeah yeah, And
I you know, listeners write in and

445
00:35:09.639 --> 00:35:14.519
let me know, if you've been
out for a long time, have you

446
00:35:14.800 --> 00:35:19.639
finally gotten to the point where you
don't once in a while have this feeling

447
00:35:19.719 --> 00:35:23.119
that you need to ask some dudes
permission for something, even the smallest thing.

448
00:35:24.039 --> 00:35:27.519
Is that? Do we ever get
out of that completely? Kirsten?

449
00:35:27.559 --> 00:35:32.559
Does that hit you ever? Still? Yes? I The way it hits

450
00:35:32.639 --> 00:35:38.000
me is I was telling you my
shot buddy Kennedy. I'm a hairdresser and

451
00:35:38.599 --> 00:35:47.719
she's a coworker of mine. Her
therapist said that the biggest fear for men

452
00:35:47.960 --> 00:35:53.679
is being laughed at. That makes
sense, not being taken seriously. The

453
00:35:53.719 --> 00:36:04.039
biggest fear for women is being killed, shit eaten. There you go crazy

454
00:36:04.239 --> 00:36:09.159
from laugh to someone might beat the
ship out of me. So yeah,

455
00:36:09.760 --> 00:36:17.599
I walk around this world as a
woman, and I am careful with certain

456
00:36:17.639 --> 00:36:23.800
people and and it's usually men,
interesting sometimes it's really rude women. But

457
00:36:24.079 --> 00:36:30.119
whatever, whatever, Karen, all
the cute Karens that wonderful they're called?

458
00:36:30.760 --> 00:36:39.440
Who started that? Can we call
them? I don't know, Blaren's make

459
00:36:39.519 --> 00:36:47.679
up a whole last name if they're
from utably McLarens and Okay Blarenson, Okay

460
00:36:47.719 --> 00:36:55.800
Blair and mcclarens. We talk to
yourn but yeah, I do. I

461
00:36:55.800 --> 00:37:01.719
don't know. I'm I'm I'm strong, I'm I'm a tough chick. Yeah,

462
00:37:01.960 --> 00:37:07.679
but I also know that this world
hasn't caught up with how I feel

463
00:37:07.679 --> 00:37:14.840
about myself, right, and so
sometimes I gotta be like, okay,

464
00:37:15.400 --> 00:37:21.480
ding dong, who thinks you're in
charge of me? I almost feel like

465
00:37:21.639 --> 00:37:27.320
it's like they're there. Hey,
you know, like it's almost like running

466
00:37:27.360 --> 00:37:31.119
preschool. Not all men, okay, listeners, not all men, we

467
00:37:31.239 --> 00:37:39.760
get it, no for the experiencere
but you know, male listeners, you

468
00:37:39.880 --> 00:37:45.960
know that there are douchebags out there, and women are It's not easy.

469
00:37:46.079 --> 00:37:51.760
It's not easy to be a woman. I'm literally afraid of being hurt,

470
00:37:51.920 --> 00:37:57.440
especially where I work downtown, Like
I keep my eye on everything. Yeah,

471
00:37:57.719 --> 00:38:00.079
yeah, I guess maybe it's just
something that just is always in you.

472
00:38:00.400 --> 00:38:02.280
I don't know. Re Listening to
that episode, it was weird for

473
00:38:02.320 --> 00:38:07.320
me to be like, oh yeah, I instantly reverted to feeling like I

474
00:38:07.360 --> 00:38:13.280
needed to ask a man's permission for
something like the fuck you know? Yeah,

475
00:38:13.360 --> 00:38:15.840
so I don't I'm hoping dude,
I hear that. Don't you wish

476
00:38:15.880 --> 00:38:19.760
you could do it over and be
like, yes, hey, guess what,

477
00:38:19.960 --> 00:38:23.119
motherfucker, I'm going to put the
veil over my mom's face and you

478
00:38:23.199 --> 00:38:27.559
have nothing to do with it.
Yeah, I'm giving shit what you think

479
00:38:27.719 --> 00:38:30.639
I might put it over my face
first, just to desecrate that shit,

480
00:38:30.280 --> 00:38:35.760
And then I know, I know
no, But that's the thing, like

481
00:38:36.360 --> 00:38:39.360
you you learn, you do,
you do. I just was kind of

482
00:38:39.880 --> 00:38:43.440
I'm not surprised. It just hit
me again, like oh yeah, there's

483
00:38:44.400 --> 00:38:51.079
there is still some submissive ass Mormon
wife part of me that's not been healed

484
00:38:51.079 --> 00:38:54.679
completely yet. Do and that's okay. You're DNA, like you're literally genetic

485
00:38:54.760 --> 00:38:59.840
memory. I've heard of it.
Like when I hear the bagpipes, I'm

486
00:38:59.840 --> 00:39:04.639
like, oh my god, I'm
homesick. Yeah, like I've I've never

487
00:39:04.719 --> 00:39:07.920
been to Ireland, Scotland or Wales, but that's where my people come from.

488
00:39:08.199 --> 00:39:14.039
And when I hear Celtic music,
I'm like, oh I'm homesick.

489
00:39:14.480 --> 00:39:19.320
Well shit, that is genetic memory, bitch. Yeah yeah, well yeah

490
00:39:19.320 --> 00:39:22.360
that did. That should definitely hit
hits in DNA. It is, it

491
00:39:22.400 --> 00:39:27.800
is, it is, and it's
okay, Like here you are talking about

492
00:39:27.800 --> 00:39:30.119
it, being like I can't believe
I asked for permission. Okay, so

493
00:39:30.320 --> 00:39:32.760
what Yeah, well, I'm glad
you want me to slap you on the

494
00:39:32.760 --> 00:39:38.519
face for it than you maybe my
ass. Okay, I'll slap for it.

495
00:39:38.639 --> 00:39:43.239
I'm sure i'd be like, good
job. Look at you. You

496
00:39:43.519 --> 00:39:45.679
look at you, just going like, hey, that was fucked up,

497
00:39:46.119 --> 00:39:50.280
dude. That's all we can do
is people. You're right, like,

498
00:39:50.320 --> 00:39:52.920
why do we beat ourselves up?
I shouldn't beating myself up. I shouldn't

499
00:39:52.880 --> 00:39:54.719
be rolling my eyes about what I
did. Just be No, well,

500
00:39:54.760 --> 00:39:58.159
it was an experience. And guess
what I'm going to talk about it,

501
00:39:58.320 --> 00:40:05.119
you know, and look you have
self realization, like you're like, oh,

502
00:40:05.679 --> 00:40:09.280
this happened. I'm aware. That's
evolution. Well ship, Yeah,

503
00:40:09.320 --> 00:40:13.360
because I didn't. I wasn't aware
I was doing that. So the next

504
00:40:13.360 --> 00:40:20.599
time your mom dies, just giving
fucking a kirs, didn't you only die

505
00:40:20.639 --> 00:40:22.719
once? I don't know. Maybe
we don't know. We don't know all

506
00:40:22.760 --> 00:40:27.400
things. Jury's out. That's true, that's true. I mean Lazarus had

507
00:40:27.400 --> 00:40:35.320
to die twice, right, I
don't care. Didn't care. I don't

508
00:40:35.360 --> 00:40:40.400
care. That's good. Yeah,
So are you this is gonna take all

509
00:40:40.480 --> 00:40:43.800
night to get through this? Well, no, it's life, love it,

510
00:40:43.840 --> 00:40:45.159
I'm having a great time. I'm
just talking with you. How we

511
00:40:45.199 --> 00:40:50.719
go that's true? Okay, but
go okay, let's talk about your mom.

512
00:40:50.800 --> 00:40:54.679
So okay, okay, focus,
focus, well the bulk of no,

513
00:40:54.760 --> 00:40:59.159
you know this is great. Okay, I'm and I'm easy to de

514
00:40:59.320 --> 00:41:05.039
real you are easy. I'm about
it and you're all about railing the fuck

515
00:41:06.320 --> 00:41:14.760
I'm dirty. It's funny to me. Okay. Oh shit, Okay.

516
00:41:15.000 --> 00:41:19.440
So, so my brother Mark was
the one who was assigned, I guess,

517
00:41:19.559 --> 00:41:24.079
to put together the program for the
funeral. And when he asked me

518
00:41:24.480 --> 00:41:31.119
if I wanted to talk at the
funeral, that was a beautiful moment because

519
00:41:31.480 --> 00:41:38.079
to me that signified kind of his
complete I don't want to say acceptance of

520
00:41:38.079 --> 00:41:40.440
me, because it makes it sound
like he didn't accept me, but his

521
00:41:40.599 --> 00:41:52.440
complete trust that I loved my mom
and respected my mom and would say good

522
00:41:52.519 --> 00:41:58.000
things. Well, here's the thing, dude, Like you're walking into a

523
00:41:58.039 --> 00:42:02.079
Mormon chapel with all of your tattoo
is and your gayness. And I'm sure

524
00:42:02.199 --> 00:42:07.360
he was like, I wonder how
this is gonna go. But guess what,

525
00:42:07.519 --> 00:42:09.920
man, Yeah, it's not his
goddamn decision. And of course you

526
00:42:09.960 --> 00:42:15.840
would be appropriate Jesus, but of
course you will. Of course, yeah,

527
00:42:15.920 --> 00:42:19.760
of course I would. But I
could like that. I like that

528
00:42:20.000 --> 00:42:22.840
I could see for you, like
I could see if this steps sure,

529
00:42:23.239 --> 00:42:27.039
if this had been like four years
ago or something. I don't know,

530
00:42:27.039 --> 00:42:28.960
because there was a time in Mark
and I didn't talk because there was some

531
00:42:29.000 --> 00:42:31.320
anger about me leaving the church in
the podcast all that my health. But

532
00:42:31.480 --> 00:42:37.159
I could see where he would have
maybe been like I don't think we want

533
00:42:37.199 --> 00:42:40.079
her to talk. I don't know. Maybe maybe maybe not. I don't

534
00:42:40.079 --> 00:42:45.719
know, but you don't know.
I don't. But the fact that Mark

535
00:42:45.760 --> 00:42:51.440
and I and Mike we really bonded
over the love that we have for our

536
00:42:51.679 --> 00:42:55.599
mom as she was passing away,
and that I think that I we all

537
00:42:55.719 --> 00:43:00.280
saw each other like like truly saw
the human uh and the love that we

538
00:43:00.320 --> 00:43:05.679
have for a mom, and that
trumped everything. Yeah, that over,

539
00:43:06.000 --> 00:43:08.280
you know. Now it did cause
the problem, not a problem, but

540
00:43:08.760 --> 00:43:12.440
in the previous episode, the funeral
episode, there was an issue of is

541
00:43:12.440 --> 00:43:15.559
Shelley allowed to touch the veil or
whatever? And you know, go back

542
00:43:15.599 --> 00:43:20.920
and listen if you forgot, you'll
find out what happened. But and you

543
00:43:20.920 --> 00:43:23.480
were a badass, and you did
exactly what I was gonna do. That's

544
00:43:23.599 --> 00:43:29.000
right, that is your mom wanted
that. Yes, please. So when

545
00:43:29.000 --> 00:43:32.039
I was going to prepare this talk, it's like, God, what am

546
00:43:32.039 --> 00:43:37.400
I what? I don't know what
am I going to say? Because I

547
00:43:37.440 --> 00:43:40.960
didn't expect for a second that I
would be asked to be on the program

548
00:43:42.000 --> 00:43:44.280
to talk. I just didn't see
it come in. I don't know why

549
00:43:44.360 --> 00:43:46.199
I didn't. I just assumed and
I don't know why, but I but

550
00:43:46.239 --> 00:43:50.679
that's what happened in my head.
It took it took me a bit to

551
00:43:50.760 --> 00:43:52.760
kind of come to terms with what
I was going to say. The first

552
00:43:52.760 --> 00:43:55.480
thing I thought was, well,
I'm just going to read some quotes from

553
00:43:55.480 --> 00:43:59.840
other people about my mom because that's
safe and it's easy and whatever. But

554
00:44:00.079 --> 00:44:01.679
then I just kind of felt like
I want to give more. You know,

555
00:44:01.760 --> 00:44:07.519
there's more in me than that.
What did you say? Well,

556
00:44:07.159 --> 00:44:15.119
I am so glad you asked that, because I have an audio recording of

557
00:44:15.199 --> 00:44:22.480
my talk that I will share with
everyone right after we take this break.

558
00:44:22.199 --> 00:44:37.840
Oh yes, m hmm, be
right back. I didn't get a chance

559
00:44:37.880 --> 00:44:44.159
to print this out. Sorry.
I've been working on what to say for

560
00:44:44.199 --> 00:44:51.079
a while, but it's hard because
we have eighteen kids hanging out in Airbnb

561
00:44:51.159 --> 00:44:55.920
with not enough adults and there's been
fires to put out. I'm kidding.

562
00:44:55.920 --> 00:45:00.119
They're great, great kids, but
there's so much fun, just like m

563
00:45:00.239 --> 00:45:02.320
Jay, that I get distracted and
have to go, you know, paint

564
00:45:02.360 --> 00:45:08.039
nails with everyone to celebrate Grandma or
seeing teat teep, Guten appetite and all

565
00:45:08.119 --> 00:45:15.559
the things that Grandma was famous for. I'm Shelley, I'm the youngest and

566
00:45:15.719 --> 00:45:21.719
only daughter, and I just want
to say that I'm actually the favorite.

567
00:45:22.800 --> 00:45:29.920
Sorry, I'm speaking after you.
Mark. You can't dispute that my mom

568
00:45:30.840 --> 00:45:38.719
was born to be a grandma.
She crushed Grandma hoood. I hope I

569
00:45:38.760 --> 00:45:44.440
can be half the grandma. I
don't need grandkids yet, so don't start

570
00:45:44.480 --> 00:45:49.599
there. She was the type that
would just when my kids were little,

571
00:45:49.599 --> 00:45:52.440
I lived in Utah, and she
would just call out of the blue and

572
00:45:52.519 --> 00:45:54.320
say, hey, can I come
pick up the kids to do something fun.

573
00:45:55.559 --> 00:45:59.800
Now, there was no guarantee that
she would buckle them in the car

574
00:45:59.840 --> 00:46:05.760
seat correctly, no guarantee that she
wouldn't just feed them jello and bananas,

575
00:46:07.440 --> 00:46:13.079
but it was always a guarantee that
they would feel loved and have a blast

576
00:46:13.760 --> 00:46:16.840
with Grandma Jay, and they had
no idea that their lives were in danger,

577
00:46:16.920 --> 00:46:24.000
so it didn't matter. They just
had a great time. My mom,

578
00:46:24.360 --> 00:46:29.880
she was a rule follower unless she
didn't want to follow that rule,

579
00:46:30.880 --> 00:46:35.800
and then she was very good at
looking the other way. Some of the

580
00:46:35.840 --> 00:46:38.639
fondest memories I have of my mom
was when she would take me to the

581
00:46:38.679 --> 00:46:45.400
store before girls camp and we would
load up a cart with everything you would

582
00:46:45.480 --> 00:46:52.320
need to pull pranks for a week, everything from Barbie dolls and plastic dinosaurs

583
00:46:52.320 --> 00:47:00.599
and huge underwear to raise the top
of the flag pole before morning devotional to

584
00:47:00.840 --> 00:47:07.800
vasilene and saran wrap to booby trap
the porta potties. She was about it.

585
00:47:08.000 --> 00:47:13.239
She was always up for a good
prank, and she never told on

586
00:47:13.360 --> 00:47:19.800
me, which I appreciated that she
was my prank confidante. I could talk

587
00:47:19.800 --> 00:47:22.559
for hours, literally about how fun
my mom was. Any of you who

588
00:47:22.679 --> 00:47:25.920
know her, you're like, yeah, it does. She's fun, But

589
00:47:27.000 --> 00:47:34.360
she being a prankster that my mom
was, you almost weren't sure she would

590
00:47:34.360 --> 00:47:37.679
be that way because she was always
smiling and so nice, But that twinkle

591
00:47:37.400 --> 00:47:40.320
sometimes wasn't that she was happy to
see you. Sometimes it's like, oh,

592
00:47:40.400 --> 00:47:45.639
yeah, it's going down and you
wouldn't know, and it was coming,

593
00:47:45.719 --> 00:47:50.320
and I'm a little worried that she's
planning something right now. So if

594
00:47:50.360 --> 00:47:57.559
I'm like this, that's what's happening. My mom was also the popular lady

595
00:47:57.719 --> 00:48:02.800
her whole life, but actually in
the memory care center, the staff there,

596
00:48:04.079 --> 00:48:07.519
they were so impressed how many people
would come see her every single day.

597
00:48:07.039 --> 00:48:09.599
And I'm not just talking about the
five or more times per day that

598
00:48:09.679 --> 00:48:17.320
my dad would visit. One of
my favorite pictures is my loyal dad when

599
00:48:17.360 --> 00:48:25.320
he had COVID peering into my mom's
window just to see her, and the

600
00:48:25.360 --> 00:48:35.159
look on my mom's face was awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I

601
00:48:35.199 --> 00:48:40.599
haven't lived in Utah for almost twenty
years, but when I got messaged,

602
00:48:40.719 --> 00:48:45.840
when I posted on social media that
my mom had passed or that she was

603
00:48:45.880 --> 00:48:49.360
getting ready to pass and that she
was in the memory care unit, I

604
00:48:49.360 --> 00:48:52.719
would have people that I had no
idea who they were, know that I

605
00:48:52.800 --> 00:48:54.119
was her daughter, and they would
message me, how can I go see

606
00:48:54.119 --> 00:48:57.920
your mom? What time can I
go see your mom? When can I

607
00:48:57.920 --> 00:49:02.519
go see your mom? For me, that's just such a beautiful thing.

608
00:49:02.599 --> 00:49:07.199
Everyone wanted to be around her,
and I know they left visiting her coming

609
00:49:07.239 --> 00:49:13.760
in happier and more uplifted and having
a brighter view on life just from the

610
00:49:13.880 --> 00:49:17.639
time that they were able to share
with my mom. And that's exactly how

611
00:49:17.679 --> 00:49:21.920
I felt too. Over the past
couple of years, I was able to

612
00:49:22.000 --> 00:49:24.599
fly out dozens of times to help
care for her, but I know the

613
00:49:24.639 --> 00:49:29.960
love I felt from her every single
time I visited. Made every long layover,

614
00:49:30.719 --> 00:49:35.400
every ridiculous jet lag, all the
mist sleep, all the mist work,

615
00:49:35.679 --> 00:49:39.440
missing my kids, it was all
worth it to spend those moments with

616
00:49:39.559 --> 00:49:45.760
the most wonderful woman in the world. Speaking of social media, when I

617
00:49:45.800 --> 00:49:52.360
posted on Facebook about my mom's passing, my post became flooded with replies and

618
00:49:52.400 --> 00:49:58.960
I felt really popular. But it
was about my mom, So I'm going

619
00:49:59.000 --> 00:50:04.559
to give that to She affected everyone
she met and always for the better.

620
00:50:05.000 --> 00:50:07.719
And I'd like to just share really
quickly some of these posts with you,

621
00:50:07.840 --> 00:50:14.039
not all of them, because we'd
be here past funeral potatoes. She was

622
00:50:14.079 --> 00:50:16.880
truly one of a kind, has
a heart of gold, and she will

623
00:50:16.880 --> 00:50:22.079
be missed. I absolutely loved your
mom, worked with her for years.

624
00:50:22.320 --> 00:50:27.719
She brought so much joy to my
life. Quote I loved you, Dixie,

625
00:50:27.960 --> 00:50:32.679
my childhood friend. Close quote I
love Dixie. She was one of

626
00:50:32.719 --> 00:50:37.000
the best people I have ever known, with a heart of gold, hugs

627
00:50:37.280 --> 00:50:42.119
and a heart your mom was an
absolute angel to our family, ward and

628
00:50:42.159 --> 00:50:45.519
neighborhood. Dixie always made me feel
so welcome in the Burro Up family.

629
00:50:45.800 --> 00:50:52.800
She was a vivacious and fun person
and will be greatly missed. Dixie lit

630
00:50:52.880 --> 00:50:58.239
up every room she entered with her
energy and love. That's so true.

631
00:50:58.280 --> 00:51:01.880
You just couldn't be sad around her, couldn't. It was impossible. Nothing

632
00:51:01.880 --> 00:51:06.800
but memories of her being so kind, helpful, and loving to everyone.

633
00:51:07.559 --> 00:51:10.920
I always loved her smiles and her
hugs. I always thought your mom was

634
00:51:10.960 --> 00:51:16.360
amazing. I knew your mother from
junior and senior high school. We dated

635
00:51:16.400 --> 00:51:22.639
many times. Sorry, Dad,
it didn't work out. It's okay.

636
00:51:23.320 --> 00:51:28.599
You got the girl school dances,
nears parties, attending in those days,

637
00:51:28.679 --> 00:51:31.679
church eating, saccarm meetings. She
was a great friend. What a great

638
00:51:31.719 --> 00:51:35.280
lady. She always made all of
us feel like we were her kids.

639
00:51:35.559 --> 00:51:37.880
Even after the mission, we would
see her in Eagle Mountain and she would

640
00:51:37.880 --> 00:51:42.320
treat my wife and my kids the
same way. She will be missed.

641
00:51:42.880 --> 00:51:47.599
Thank you for sharing her with us. The Cookie Grandma will be missed.

642
00:51:49.079 --> 00:51:52.519
She was such a light. Love
her so much so sincerely blessed to be

643
00:51:52.559 --> 00:51:57.599
one of her missionaries. Sending you
all my loving prayers. There is no

644
00:51:57.639 --> 00:52:02.000
one else like her. She lived
across the street from my parents for years

645
00:52:02.039 --> 00:52:07.880
and we loved to play at the
Cookie Grandma's house. I remember playing in

646
00:52:07.920 --> 00:52:12.559
their playhouse when when we were little. She was the sweetest person ever.

647
00:52:13.719 --> 00:52:15.679
If any of you did not get
a chance to play in the playhouse,

648
00:52:16.119 --> 00:52:21.599
y's I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
this is maybe amazing. She was one

649
00:52:21.599 --> 00:52:24.559
of a kind and one of the
kindest souls. We love the Cookie Grandma.

650
00:52:25.199 --> 00:52:30.920
By the way, COVID did not
get Cookie Grandma down. I have

651
00:52:30.000 --> 00:52:36.639
seen pictures of her leaning over the
railing on her porch with long tongs to

652
00:52:36.880 --> 00:52:43.039
hand the cookies to the children as
they lined up so safety first, but

653
00:52:43.119 --> 00:52:47.559
she wasn't gonna drop the ball on
that. We love her so much and

654
00:52:47.599 --> 00:52:51.519
are so grateful for the memories that
we made with her. She was so

655
00:52:51.599 --> 00:52:57.280
wonderful with my kiddos and loved wearing
her unicorn pajamas with my daughter. Who

656
00:52:57.320 --> 00:52:59.840
got those for her? By the
way, manyone want to admit to that.

657
00:53:00.400 --> 00:53:05.320
Nope, Okay, she probably bought
them herself. Sister Johnson was such

658
00:53:05.360 --> 00:53:07.920
an amazing mom. I remember being
a brand new missionary, half scared to

659
00:53:08.000 --> 00:53:10.880
death, and she made me feel
so loved and welcome to the mission field.

660
00:53:13.119 --> 00:53:15.280
I love your mom so much.
She called to seeing happy birthday to

661
00:53:15.280 --> 00:53:20.480
me on my birthday. I'll never
forget it or the unconditional love she offered.

662
00:53:22.679 --> 00:53:28.679
I'm not sure until my mom got
quite old that she ever ever missed

663
00:53:28.800 --> 00:53:30.800
a birthday for my kids. I
have seven, by the way, so

664
00:53:30.840 --> 00:53:36.280
there's plenty of time to miss one. But she always called, and the

665
00:53:36.320 --> 00:53:38.639
kids were always happy, and it
always was just Grandma and Grandpa singing Happy

666
00:53:38.679 --> 00:53:43.360
Birthday. What a wonderful gift to
my kids. We got to be their

667
00:53:43.400 --> 00:53:45.760
neighbor for a short, wonderful time
they were Grandma and Grandpa Jay. My

668
00:53:45.880 --> 00:53:50.559
kids loved going down to their house
and they always had cookies and kindness to

669
00:53:50.599 --> 00:53:53.800
share. I love her smile.
She never let a challenge get her down.

670
00:53:53.920 --> 00:53:58.440
As missionaries, she showed true leadership
and courage. She made sure that

671
00:53:58.519 --> 00:54:00.159
we knew that if she could do
it, then we could do it.

672
00:54:01.639 --> 00:54:06.079
Absolutely one of the sweetest, kindest, loveliest women I've ever known. I

673
00:54:06.119 --> 00:54:08.039
feel so blessed and grateful for the
time I was able to be in the

674
00:54:08.079 --> 00:54:13.960
mission president with her and President Johnson. I remember how determined she was to

675
00:54:14.079 --> 00:54:16.880
learn better German. I remember her
working in the kitchen one day with her

676
00:54:16.920 --> 00:54:22.559
German helper, and they would practice
German as they were cleaning and meal prepping.

677
00:54:22.800 --> 00:54:24.719
She always had a smile and always
brought a smile to my face and

678
00:54:24.800 --> 00:54:28.360
heart. This one's a little longer, but I love it. This was

679
00:54:28.920 --> 00:54:31.800
from one of her past missionaries.
He says, my first month in the

680
00:54:31.840 --> 00:54:36.079
mission fields, Sister Johnson and I
got to talking about how it's going,

681
00:54:36.239 --> 00:54:39.639
and when we did, she began
to sob. She just cried and cried

682
00:54:39.679 --> 00:54:44.480
and unloaded on me how hard it
was and how the language was daunting.

683
00:54:44.559 --> 00:54:47.000
And I was right there with her, expressing what empathy I could, while

684
00:54:47.039 --> 00:54:50.639
being like, oh my gosh,
what do I do. This sweet lady's

685
00:54:50.679 --> 00:54:52.519
just crying and I don't know how
to help, And on top of that,

686
00:54:52.599 --> 00:54:57.639
she's hugging me. Me pause on
the hugging thing. My mom gave

687
00:54:57.679 --> 00:55:00.199
the best hugs. And she's the
type that if you're like hanging out and

688
00:55:00.239 --> 00:55:02.519
then you go, oh, I'm
gonna run in my car and get something,

689
00:55:02.559 --> 00:55:05.920
she's gonna hug you before you go
to your car, and then she's

690
00:55:05.960 --> 00:55:07.960
gonna hug you when you come back
in. Like it's been years, but

691
00:55:08.039 --> 00:55:14.360
she just gave like that. Uh
Anyway, he says it was so powerful

692
00:55:14.360 --> 00:55:17.000
for me going forward because I knew
I had this friend that was going through

693
00:55:17.039 --> 00:55:21.360
what I was going through. But
I also knew that she loved me and

694
00:55:21.440 --> 00:55:24.280
trusted me with that kind of vulnerability. My mom was never afraid to be

695
00:55:24.360 --> 00:55:30.440
vulnerable, and it gave me strength
to be okay being vulnerable as well.

696
00:55:30.519 --> 00:55:32.960
He says, I can't really describe
how I felt about it except that it

697
00:55:34.000 --> 00:55:37.639
was a beautiful breakdown that we shared. And going forward, I watched her

698
00:55:37.960 --> 00:55:42.079
fight and I thought, if she
can, I can. And I never

699
00:55:42.119 --> 00:55:45.119
worried about what she thought of me
or my efforts. I just knew she

700
00:55:45.239 --> 00:55:51.320
loved me for being there. Yeah, that was my mom. She loved

701
00:55:51.320 --> 00:55:58.079
everyone, She judged no one.
So for those of you who don't know,

702
00:55:58.360 --> 00:56:01.079
I was raised in the church and
I chose a different path a few

703
00:56:01.119 --> 00:56:06.280
years ago, and I know that
was hard for my mom. When I

704
00:56:06.360 --> 00:56:09.159
told my mom I was gay.
I know that was hard for her too.

705
00:56:09.679 --> 00:56:15.000
But you know what she did.
She found and joined an LGBTQ support

706
00:56:15.039 --> 00:56:22.360
group so she could get to know
some gaze to better understand me. That's

707
00:56:22.360 --> 00:56:25.960
who my mom was. She loved
first. She never judged. I never,

708
00:56:27.159 --> 00:56:30.760
once in my life have felt judgment
for my mom. Only love.

709
00:56:32.159 --> 00:56:36.239
There's no one my mom couldn't love, and there was no one my mom

710
00:56:36.800 --> 00:56:45.039
wouldn't love. I'd like to end
by bearing my mom's testimony for her,

711
00:56:45.480 --> 00:56:51.079
since she can't do it for herself
now. If she was standing right here

712
00:56:51.159 --> 00:56:57.079
right now, she would say,
I know that Heavenly Father lives, and

713
00:56:57.119 --> 00:56:59.760
that Jesus gave his life to the
weak and all returned to live with him

714
00:56:59.800 --> 00:57:04.880
again. And I know the Church
is true. I'm grateful for the restored

715
00:57:04.920 --> 00:57:12.039
Gospel that teaches us that families are
forever. I'm grateful for all the missionaries

716
00:57:12.079 --> 00:57:15.400
in the world who are sharing the
gospel. Reading the scriptures and going to

717
00:57:15.400 --> 00:57:21.480
the temple helps me feel closer to
my heavenly Father. I'm so grateful for

718
00:57:21.719 --> 00:57:28.079
everything I have been blessed with and
I love every single one of you in

719
00:57:28.119 --> 00:57:37.679
the name of Jesus Christ. Amen. Yeah, so that's that was it.

720
00:57:38.079 --> 00:57:40.280
Yeah, it still just kind of
gets me to listen to it.

721
00:57:40.320 --> 00:57:45.079
I don't know, I just what
are you feeling over there, Kirsten?

722
00:57:46.320 --> 00:57:52.760
Well, I mean just sorry,
look at me crying like I never do

723
00:57:52.920 --> 00:57:59.000
that. Anyone who knows me knows
I cry over everything. But I was

724
00:57:59.079 --> 00:58:05.119
just really sweet, and it makes
me think about sorry. And I don't

725
00:58:05.119 --> 00:58:08.400
know if you can hear that.
I'm unrolling toilet paper and ripping it off

726
00:58:08.400 --> 00:58:15.159
and dabbing my eyes. I mean, the first thing I was thinking was

727
00:58:15.199 --> 00:58:21.360
I wish I knew your mom.
I wish I had known her, you

728
00:58:21.360 --> 00:58:23.800
know. I met her briefly,
Yeah, for a second. She was

729
00:58:23.840 --> 00:58:31.400
so happy and cute. And I
remember when we were moving stuff out of

730
00:58:31.719 --> 00:58:37.320
their house for them to go into
assisted living, so many neighbors drop by,

731
00:58:37.719 --> 00:58:44.679
yeah, and kept talking about cookies
and are they okay? And what's

732
00:58:44.760 --> 00:58:50.800
going on and you know, and
stuff and please tell Dixie which And by

733
00:58:50.840 --> 00:58:54.960
the way, I love the name
Dixie, for she would have given herself

734
00:58:55.000 --> 00:59:00.119
that name. It's just it's a
happy enjoys I don't know. It was

735
00:59:00.199 --> 00:59:07.639
just cute to see all the neighbors
dropping by and the little kids. There

736
00:59:07.639 --> 00:59:12.960
were so many little ones, yeah, that kept coming by and being like,

737
00:59:13.039 --> 00:59:16.039
what's going on? Like all these
lesbians moving a whole bunch of shit

738
00:59:16.199 --> 00:59:22.320
out Dixie. Right, I'm like, oh, hi, little ones,

739
00:59:22.360 --> 00:59:27.239
because you know, I turned into
Mary Poppins every time. But their parents

740
00:59:27.239 --> 00:59:31.440
were with them and they were asking
after your parents. Yeah, I wish

741
00:59:31.519 --> 00:59:37.239
I had known your dad too.
It sounds like he was a good grandpa

742
00:59:37.559 --> 00:59:42.880
or I mean, he is a
good grandpa. Obviously now he's in a

743
00:59:42.920 --> 00:59:49.440
different space, but I wish I
had gotten to know him too. I

744
00:59:49.519 --> 00:59:55.559
know he's been difficult, but it
sounds like when they were together and they're

745
00:59:57.119 --> 01:00:05.679
sweet, minds were intact, they
were really really good and people loved them

746
01:00:06.039 --> 01:00:09.840
and I don't know, and then
at the end, dude, I gotta

747
01:00:09.880 --> 01:00:16.320
say this shit right now. You're
so brave. Thank you. You said

748
01:00:16.320 --> 01:00:23.119
that in a Mormon chapel. I'm
gay. Yeah, I sure did.

749
01:00:23.719 --> 01:00:30.239
Yeah, are you planning to say
that? It's yes and no. It's

750
01:00:30.239 --> 01:00:34.360
one of those things where you think
about and you're like, but I don't

751
01:00:34.400 --> 01:00:37.559
know if I will like, we'll
see right, well, like we're gonna

752
01:00:37.639 --> 01:00:42.559
read the room or whatever, right, And I remember it just felt like

753
01:00:44.800 --> 01:00:51.880
it's it's like because of who I
am being gay and the way that my

754
01:00:52.000 --> 01:00:58.599
mom handled it, like this was
my story that I owned that only I

755
01:00:58.880 --> 01:01:04.840
knew about how how fucking badass my
mom was and how much she loved.

756
01:01:05.280 --> 01:01:09.559
No one else had that story,
you know, I don't know's it's ah,

757
01:01:09.599 --> 01:01:14.320
how do I put this? It's
like, so there's people who were

758
01:01:14.360 --> 01:01:16.800
good and kind and awesome and wonderful
and they're amazing and I love that and

759
01:01:16.840 --> 01:01:22.000
that's great, Okay. My mom
is one of those people. My mom

760
01:01:22.119 --> 01:01:27.599
is also one of those people who
will love through the difficult things that they're

761
01:01:27.679 --> 01:01:31.360
not necessarily supposed to love through,
you know what I mean. Yeah,

762
01:01:31.719 --> 01:01:36.000
like those of you who aren't sure
about this, Mormon teachings now are like,

763
01:01:36.079 --> 01:01:38.760
yeah, you know, love the
gays, but don't let them make

764
01:01:38.800 --> 01:01:43.000
you gay it. But it used
to be, you know, in the

765
01:01:43.280 --> 01:01:46.400
kind of like in the years when
I was coming out, it was you

766
01:01:46.480 --> 01:01:50.639
just weren't accepted, you know.
And this is only six years ago.

767
01:01:50.639 --> 01:01:53.039
When I came out six seven years
ago, and so but what my mom

768
01:01:53.039 --> 01:01:58.360
would have heard her whole life about
the gays was how horrible and it could

769
01:01:58.639 --> 01:02:01.880
wicked and evil and and you know
how they're choosing to sin and then and

770
01:02:01.880 --> 01:02:07.480
they're destroying the traditional family. And
so she went through all of that training

771
01:02:07.679 --> 01:02:15.159
and brainwashing. But because my mom's
heart is so pure and beautiful. When

772
01:02:15.199 --> 01:02:20.320
I came out of the closet and
my dad was like, Oh, as

773
01:02:20.360 --> 01:02:22.840
long as you don't act on your
feelings, blah blah, I'm like he's

774
01:02:22.840 --> 01:02:24.360
doing. He's like, you know, the hardline of the church. And

775
01:02:24.400 --> 01:02:30.199
my mom is like finding an LGBTQ
plus group to join, to meet some

776
01:02:30.280 --> 01:02:32.559
gaze And it craped me up because
she told me she's like, I'm meeting

777
01:02:32.559 --> 01:02:36.679
some gays meeting. I'm like,
oh my god, Rose. I mean

778
01:02:36.719 --> 01:02:39.559
they say this is so cute.
Oh yeah, well she's roseantics she is

779
01:02:39.960 --> 01:02:45.280
she is. So I don't know. I just felt like it was almost

780
01:02:45.519 --> 01:02:50.800
my responsibility to share that story because
it's so I don't know, like my

781
01:02:50.800 --> 01:02:52.400
brothers could never share that story.
They don't have that story. They don't

782
01:02:52.400 --> 01:02:55.320
have that the gay thing. I
don't know. I don't know how to

783
01:02:55.400 --> 01:03:00.119
say this right. That is one
of the biggest things that's ever happened in

784
01:03:00.159 --> 01:03:04.639
your life. And same for me. When I came out to my parents,

785
01:03:06.320 --> 01:03:10.239
I was like I'd come out to
a lot of people. Yeah.

786
01:03:10.480 --> 01:03:15.960
My mom was like, Kirsten,
do you have something you'd like to tell

787
01:03:15.000 --> 01:03:21.760
me? It was over the fuck. It was over the phone. It

788
01:03:22.000 --> 01:03:29.840
was like and she's like, Kirsten. She literally said this, Kirsten,

789
01:03:30.039 --> 01:03:34.679
come out with it. Oh she
knew. Oh, Doc Gatar was on

790
01:03:34.800 --> 01:03:42.480
point for sure. But but that
was a moment in my life that was

791
01:03:43.760 --> 01:03:49.360
like, that was a life event
for me absolutely, just like like having

792
01:03:49.400 --> 01:03:52.960
a child, having a breakup,
you don't forget that shit, having a

793
01:03:53.039 --> 01:03:59.679
death, yeah, getting married yep, coming out to your mom, yeah,

794
01:04:00.000 --> 01:04:08.559
coming out to your dad, Yeah, it is so important and so

795
01:04:08.960 --> 01:04:16.440
full of whatever it's going to be
absolutely gosh. And I love that your

796
01:04:16.480 --> 01:04:20.360
mom was like I'm going to go
meet some gays. Yeah, so her

797
01:04:21.400 --> 01:04:28.000
and yeah, and again it's like
my mom was so kind and giving in

798
01:04:28.079 --> 01:04:31.880
every single way, and she was
kind of giving in a way that like

799
01:04:31.960 --> 01:04:35.119
kind of bucked the system. You
know. Yeah, well she's your mom.

800
01:04:35.239 --> 01:04:39.559
She's my fucking mom, right,
and is your mama? Yes?

801
01:04:40.000 --> 01:04:43.079
Yes? And I felt in the
moment when I decided like, yeah,

802
01:04:43.119 --> 01:04:45.480
I'm going to say this, it
was like I can't not share this.

803
01:04:46.440 --> 01:04:51.119
No, this is too big,
this is too much who my mom is.

804
01:04:51.360 --> 01:04:55.239
Yes, right, oh, oh
I'm sorry. I thought you meant

805
01:04:55.239 --> 01:04:59.000
about coming out. Yeah, sharing
that story at the funeral. Yes,

806
01:04:59.079 --> 01:05:03.239
yes, I love that you did
that. You know what, this fucking

807
01:05:03.280 --> 01:05:09.599
world needs to hear about the gays. We're out here. Just we ain't

808
01:05:09.599 --> 01:05:12.719
going nowhere bitches. No, yeah, we're just getting gay or no,

809
01:05:12.760 --> 01:05:17.039
I'm just kidding. Bet that thing
like it's like either are you aren't pregnant?

810
01:05:16.760 --> 01:05:20.679
I don't know, I don't know. You know, I'm glad that

811
01:05:20.760 --> 01:05:26.280
I did. We too tell that
story for a numerous reasons, but one

812
01:05:26.320 --> 01:05:30.400
of them is after the funeral,
so many people came up to me in

813
01:05:30.440 --> 01:05:33.480
a way that I know they wouldn't
have come up to me had I not

814
01:05:33.800 --> 01:05:39.000
told that story. And it was
it was hugs of people that I'm not

815
01:05:39.039 --> 01:05:43.800
sure I knew, And thank you
so much for what you shared, for

816
01:05:43.920 --> 01:05:47.559
what you shared. Yes, and
my brother spoke to and people like shook

817
01:05:47.559 --> 01:05:50.599
his hand and was like that was
a nice talk. But it was different

818
01:05:51.159 --> 01:05:57.760
yes with me, because I know
that there are so many current LDS people

819
01:05:57.760 --> 01:06:00.480
out there who either are gay or
have children who are, and are like,

820
01:06:00.599 --> 01:06:02.199
oh my god, well how do
I what do I believe this?

821
01:06:02.280 --> 01:06:06.280
And how do I whatever that?
And yeah, I would have I would

822
01:06:06.320 --> 01:06:11.239
have missed the opportunity to share something
so beautiful about my mom had I been

823
01:06:11.280 --> 01:06:15.960
afraid to say that. So I
fucking said it. I'm so like not

824
01:06:16.079 --> 01:06:18.880
that. You know, I hate
it when people say I'm so proud of

825
01:06:18.920 --> 01:06:27.079
you, because but I am so
impressed and inspired and relieved, believed,

826
01:06:27.360 --> 01:06:32.800
relieved because people need to talk about
this, and you know, you did

827
01:06:32.840 --> 01:06:36.360
it in a way where people aren't
going to clutch their pearls and have a

828
01:06:36.400 --> 01:06:41.840
cow and if they do, they
can actually fuck off, right, But

829
01:06:42.360 --> 01:06:48.280
you bringing that in that's inspiring and
it's so important and I am relieved because

830
01:06:50.960 --> 01:06:57.440
this world needs to fucking get with
it. Thank you. And your mom

831
01:06:57.519 --> 01:07:01.000
got with it. She got she
oldest fuck got with that. She because

832
01:07:01.000 --> 01:07:11.239
she loved me. You know this
is I love it. So I this

833
01:07:11.280 --> 01:07:18.800
is touchy going forward with the podcast. I don't want to told myself,

834
01:07:18.840 --> 01:07:24.119
I don't really want to talk about
me and Mary type stuff, but there

835
01:07:24.199 --> 01:07:29.639
is something I want to say and
by the end of our time together.

836
01:07:29.760 --> 01:07:31.840
And this wasn't It's not about the
breakup. This is just kind of our

837
01:07:32.039 --> 01:07:38.840
differing opinions. She didn't agree a
lot with some of the things that I

838
01:07:38.920 --> 01:07:45.320
did concerning the church. For example, she did not want to approve of,

839
01:07:45.719 --> 01:07:48.920
like whatever, of me burying my
mom's testimony for her. Didn't think

840
01:07:48.960 --> 01:07:53.400
I should have done the veil,
didn't think I should have, you know,

841
01:07:54.280 --> 01:08:00.199
even spoken spoke. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have given a talk

842
01:08:00.400 --> 01:08:05.639
at the funeral. Yeah, and
every you know, Mary has every right

843
01:08:05.679 --> 01:08:11.880
to that opinion, absolutely, I
think though talking with you about it since

844
01:08:12.119 --> 01:08:15.000
hereson, since you are also ex
Mormon, and you also have people still

845
01:08:15.039 --> 01:08:23.840
in the church, Like I just
feel really strongly that there are people still

846
01:08:23.880 --> 01:08:27.520
in the church. They are stuck
for one reason or another, whether they

847
01:08:27.880 --> 01:08:30.760
somehow still believe that bullshit, or
there's pressure, whatever it is, they're

848
01:08:30.800 --> 01:08:38.479
stuck and they are gay or trans
or whatever, or they have family who

849
01:08:38.560 --> 01:08:44.159
is this way. And so for
me to be able to use my life

850
01:08:44.279 --> 01:08:50.279
experiences and who I am and put
that out there in a fucking creepy Mormon

851
01:08:50.359 --> 01:08:55.960
church with all the weird shit that
a lot of people would say, why

852
01:08:55.960 --> 01:08:59.199
would you even go in there?
You hate that, you hate everything about

853
01:08:59.239 --> 01:09:02.319
it, Why would you and go
to the fucking funeral? Like, well,

854
01:09:02.359 --> 01:09:06.520
I don't think anyone would say that, not out loud, you know.

855
01:09:06.920 --> 01:09:11.199
I do know people who would never
step in foot into it a and

856
01:09:11.199 --> 01:09:15.439
that's okay, and that's on and
that's that's your story. Yeah, yeah,

857
01:09:15.520 --> 01:09:19.880
whatever. Everyone's experience is different.
Absolutely. For me, I feel

858
01:09:19.960 --> 01:09:27.399
like still participating in things in a
way that is comfortable for me, and

859
01:09:27.439 --> 01:09:30.720
even if it's a little uncomfortable for
me whatever, Well, yeah, if

860
01:09:30.760 --> 01:09:33.039
I can see myself. First of
all, it was your mother's funeral,

861
01:09:33.079 --> 01:09:36.920
thank you. Second fall, it
was going into a Mormon church of course,

862
01:09:36.960 --> 01:09:41.520
that's where your mother had her course. And I wasn't going to boycott

863
01:09:41.560 --> 01:09:45.600
that Shit's gonna happen with my mom
too. Yeah, probably most of our

864
01:09:45.640 --> 01:09:48.600
listeners. That shit either has happened
or will happen, will happen, and

865
01:09:48.680 --> 01:09:58.199
talking about it is awesome. And
had I shied away from the veil part,

866
01:09:58.399 --> 01:10:01.479
you know, I was. I
is told by some people that why

867
01:10:01.560 --> 01:10:05.720
would you even want to be there? If if and take part in these

868
01:10:05.800 --> 01:10:11.520
horrible rituals, and I that wasn't
my focus. My focus was being there

869
01:10:11.520 --> 01:10:15.840
for my mother and dressing her and
dressing her and that and that respect.

870
01:10:16.279 --> 01:10:20.560
I mean, obviously it's all stupid
bullshit. It is all stupid bullshit.

871
01:10:20.680 --> 01:10:25.600
Of course it didn't matter to her. Yes, and you, as you

872
01:10:25.760 --> 01:10:30.640
said in your talks, were her
favorite. Absolutely was her favor. You're

873
01:10:30.680 --> 01:10:35.000
a woman. I want a woman
dressing me. Yeah. Yeah, well

874
01:10:35.000 --> 01:10:41.039
actually I just want to be put
into the incenter, I know, taking

875
01:10:41.159 --> 01:10:46.239
all my clothes up slowly gently with
music playing in the back, kidding.

876
01:10:46.279 --> 01:10:53.239
Oh god, that handles. Oh
your dad has stopped fucking ache kres ten

877
01:10:53.680 --> 01:10:56.760
you that's it. You're never coming
back on the show started. You're right,

878
01:10:57.479 --> 01:11:02.920
I know you are correct Callum's humor. Any I know I was thinking

879
01:11:02.960 --> 01:11:09.319
I was thinking too about me burying
my mom's testimony for her. And again

880
01:11:09.439 --> 01:11:12.239
this was something that Mary and I
kind of butted heads about a lot.

881
01:11:12.680 --> 01:11:15.039
Again, she has her opinion and
that's awesome, and I have my opinion.

882
01:11:15.039 --> 01:11:18.399
That's awesome. Yeah, of course
I don't fault anything there. I'm

883
01:11:18.399 --> 01:11:21.600
just I'm kind of pointing out,
like a clear different way of seeing things,

884
01:11:21.680 --> 01:11:25.520
and not everyone sees everything the same
way, and that's that's healthy,

885
01:11:26.039 --> 01:11:29.319
actually, for not everyone to see
everything the same way. For me to

886
01:11:29.640 --> 01:11:33.399
have done everything that I did in
the funeral for my mom, dressing her

887
01:11:33.439 --> 01:11:36.640
that was for her. It wasn't
for the church. It was for her

888
01:11:38.840 --> 01:11:42.760
because I knew she would want that, like having me be the one to

889
01:11:42.880 --> 01:11:45.319
place the veil. And by the
way, I did not place the veil

890
01:11:45.359 --> 01:11:46.880
over her face. They said I
could put on the sides of her face,

891
01:11:46.920 --> 01:11:49.960
and I fucking chose that in a
heartbeat, Thank God. Right,

892
01:11:51.239 --> 01:11:58.319
All these things that I wasn't supposed
to be allowed to do, but I

893
01:11:58.520 --> 01:12:01.800
did them anyway for my mom.
In my mind, I'm like, if

894
01:12:01.800 --> 01:12:05.319
I'm doing all these things for my
mom, why would I not do the

895
01:12:05.399 --> 01:12:10.039
last thing for her and bear her
testimony? Oh? I would you know?

896
01:12:10.399 --> 01:12:14.680
Oh yeah, I mean yeah,
the testimony thing. Whow that is

897
01:12:14.760 --> 01:12:19.119
hard for sure. I bet those
words coming out of your mouth where like

898
01:12:19.520 --> 01:12:27.039
they feel very weird. Gig yes
God, and listen to me say that,

899
01:12:27.039 --> 01:12:30.520
And I bet you listeners are like
what the fuck listening to me say

900
01:12:30.520 --> 01:12:33.439
them again? It's kind of like
jarring because I did used to say those

901
01:12:33.479 --> 01:12:36.920
things when I believed them, and
now I know it's bullshit. And now

902
01:12:36.920 --> 01:12:40.479
I'm saying them again and it sounds
word coming from my mouth. But again,

903
01:12:40.520 --> 01:12:44.800
it's like this was an act for
my mom, and I made it

904
01:12:44.840 --> 01:12:48.159
clear these are my mom's words for
my mom. And I'm sure a lot

905
01:12:48.199 --> 01:12:51.279
of people aren't going to agree with
that, and I honestly would love to

906
01:12:51.319 --> 01:12:55.760
hear opinions on that because there's a
lot of different opinions right right in.

907
01:12:55.880 --> 01:12:59.399
Seriously, this is a good conversation
to have because they want to give that

908
01:12:59.479 --> 01:13:04.439
email if I can think of it, well, we can put that in

909
01:13:04.479 --> 01:13:09.640
the show notes. Sorry, I'm
still getting my my mind wrapped around the

910
01:13:09.680 --> 01:13:13.239
fact that I'm doing this podcast still, which I love that I am.

911
01:13:13.279 --> 01:13:15.560
And again, Kirsten, thank you
for helping me out on this first one.

912
01:13:15.680 --> 01:13:21.640
Out the door. You're welcome,
sister. Thanks sister. Oh god,

913
01:13:23.119 --> 01:13:27.199
I'm kidding. Oh. I was
gonna also apologize. I shouldn't preapologized,

914
01:13:27.239 --> 01:13:33.159
but when I first started the audio
recording of me speaking like there was

915
01:13:33.279 --> 01:13:39.680
like one measure of some random Mormon
song dude hearing organ inside of a Mormon

916
01:13:39.800 --> 01:13:42.600
church. I don't care how long
you've been out of the church. That

917
01:13:42.720 --> 01:13:46.640
shit will send ugly shivers, like, eh, God, I'm in a

918
01:13:46.720 --> 01:13:49.199
church, right did you feel that
when you heard it? You're like,

919
01:13:49.319 --> 01:13:54.800
oh, I'm in a church right
now. Yeahah, and trigger warned for

920
01:13:54.880 --> 01:14:01.520
sure. My wife is a pianist. And when it comes to funerals sometimes

921
01:14:02.079 --> 01:14:04.680
you know, just depending on who
it is, you know, very close

922
01:14:04.760 --> 01:14:13.399
people like her best friend, Aaron's
husband, his mom passed away. Okay,

923
01:14:13.560 --> 01:14:20.239
Aaron was going to and did sing
at the funeral and Anne accompanied her.

924
01:14:20.359 --> 01:14:27.439
But Anne also played all of the
music on the organ, and she

925
01:14:27.720 --> 01:14:30.359
was like, I haven't played the
organ for a while. I'm like,

926
01:14:30.479 --> 01:14:40.680
that's right, bitch, you've been
playing my never mind, but playing your

927
01:14:40.840 --> 01:14:46.159
organ. But it was just but
it was so interesting, like how that

928
01:14:46.279 --> 01:14:50.640
sounds. Of course Anne mastered it
and it was gorgeous and amazing. But

929
01:14:50.760 --> 01:14:56.840
yeah, I just went to the
funeral of one of my oldest friends from

930
01:14:57.119 --> 01:15:05.159
childhood, her mom, Bonnie past
that woman took us to dance classes,

931
01:15:05.199 --> 01:15:09.880
picture us up from school, all
of these things. And I'm like,

932
01:15:10.039 --> 01:15:14.079
okay, I'm going to another Mormon
funeral. Here we go, gide up

933
01:15:15.199 --> 01:15:19.800
and I walked in and of course
Oregon and you're like, this is literally

934
01:15:20.039 --> 01:15:26.319
the same thing. Yeah, and
then you sing an opening him, then

935
01:15:27.199 --> 01:15:30.359
you sing a closing him. God, they do this everywhere, everywhere,

936
01:15:30.680 --> 01:15:39.439
every time. It's a template.
It's really not creative. It's discouraged to

937
01:15:39.479 --> 01:15:43.439
be creative. Actually, we're I'm
just gonna have a fucking DJ at my

938
01:15:43.479 --> 01:15:45.800
funeral and there will be no praying
and there will be an open bar.

939
01:15:46.960 --> 01:15:54.640
There you go, everyone get drunk, and let's let's talk about Shelley and

940
01:15:54.720 --> 01:16:01.000
what a dang dong she was all
ding dong all the time. After after

941
01:16:01.600 --> 01:16:06.039
after my talk, the bishop spoke
next, and he was the bishop that

942
01:16:06.079 --> 01:16:10.039
I had, that was the one
who said I wasn't allowed to do shit.

943
01:16:10.840 --> 01:16:15.520
And I tuned him out so fast
I couldn't even tell you what he

944
01:16:15.560 --> 01:16:18.479
said. It could have been beautiful, it probably wasn't. I tuned him.

945
01:16:18.560 --> 01:16:24.840
It probably was not. I tuned
him out, and I was texting

946
01:16:24.960 --> 01:16:30.359
friends and I was on Facebook because
I don't I don't want to end that

947
01:16:30.520 --> 01:16:38.079
funeral with that man's voice. It
turns into a sermon. He has a

948
01:16:38.119 --> 01:16:40.960
Mormon sermon. Yes, yeah,
I don't want that ship like, let's

949
01:16:41.039 --> 01:16:44.039
let's end it on my mom loved
the Gates. How about that? Yeah?

950
01:16:44.119 --> 01:16:50.359
That end in my mind, that
my drop my podium, that would

951
01:16:50.399 --> 01:16:56.319
have that would have been the way
to do it for sure. So we

952
01:16:56.600 --> 01:17:00.840
are and again everyone, thank you
for your patience. I'm still feeling figuring

953
01:17:00.840 --> 01:17:02.680
out the timing of all these things. I'm looking at how much time we've

954
01:17:02.680 --> 01:17:05.520
been in. I think we may
have to make another commercial break. I

955
01:17:05.680 --> 01:17:13.359
promise that this will run smoothly as
we continue on. Yeah, so don't

956
01:17:13.399 --> 01:17:17.359
give up, people, Let's cut
to commercial. Yeah, don't puss out.

957
01:17:17.640 --> 01:17:21.520
Yeah, don't do that. All
right, We'll be right back,

958
01:17:24.199 --> 01:17:26.239
enter back. Okay, So here's
the thing. Now is the time that

959
01:17:26.319 --> 01:17:30.000
you Normally I would do patrons,
but I'm like, I've been in Utah

960
01:17:30.079 --> 01:17:32.479
for a few days. I'm not
prepared. I have nothing. We are

961
01:17:32.600 --> 01:17:36.720
going to not do patrons today,
and I apologize for that, but we

962
01:17:36.840 --> 01:17:42.520
will be catching up on that.
I wanted to talk just a few more

963
01:17:42.560 --> 01:17:45.520
minutes about the rest of the week
that I spent in Utah after the funeral,

964
01:17:46.279 --> 01:17:50.279
because again, as I'm going forward
with the podcast on my own,

965
01:17:51.359 --> 01:17:56.680
I feel like a lot of things
that I want to talk about is healing.

966
01:17:56.960 --> 01:17:59.479
You know, I've had a lot
of years of angry podcast and don't

967
01:17:59.479 --> 01:18:01.319
get me wrong. Shit gets me
angry. Still yeah, me too,

968
01:18:01.560 --> 01:18:06.600
of course, right, yeah,
absolutely for bullshit. Still, yes,

969
01:18:06.960 --> 01:18:12.520
I know, and there is right
yeah, And it's okay to be angry

970
01:18:12.640 --> 01:18:16.199
and listen. Just because I'm kind
of healing over some shit and fixing some

971
01:18:16.279 --> 01:18:20.479
relationships, it doesn't mean you have
to. It doesn't mean that you're required

972
01:18:20.520 --> 01:18:27.520
to grieving process. Yes, and
there are some relationships I have that I

973
01:18:27.520 --> 01:18:30.600
don't want to fix. I'm like, suck it, I don't need this.

974
01:18:30.560 --> 01:18:34.159
But there are some relationships within my
family especially that have been healed and

975
01:18:34.199 --> 01:18:40.439
it's fucking awesome. So the rest
of the week, a few days,

976
01:18:40.479 --> 01:18:44.600
I guess it was after my mom's
funeral, we stayed in this big airban

977
01:18:44.680 --> 01:18:49.159
bead. It was my two brothers. My oldest brother was not invited because

978
01:18:49.199 --> 01:18:53.760
he's an asshole piece of shit,
So me, my two brothers and all

979
01:18:53.800 --> 01:18:58.600
of their families and then my oldest
brother his children came, and his ex

980
01:18:58.640 --> 01:19:02.000
wife came because she's awesome. Oh, so to have in this group,

981
01:19:03.039 --> 01:19:06.279
it was probably at this point.
I mean, none of my kids are

982
01:19:06.279 --> 01:19:12.039
Mormon, and mine kids are the
bulk of the family. Only Mark's kids,

983
01:19:12.039 --> 01:19:15.760
if I'm thinking right, are still
Mormon. So there's four Mormon kids

984
01:19:15.760 --> 01:19:18.399
out of like nineteen, but all
of the grown ups were Mormon except for

985
01:19:18.399 --> 01:19:28.279
me. There was just something so
touching and healing and beautiful to watch all

986
01:19:28.319 --> 01:19:30.479
of these cousins hang out, you
know, and there's the cousins that went

987
01:19:30.520 --> 01:19:34.479
on missions and they don't swear,
and they you know, they they're quote

988
01:19:34.520 --> 01:19:39.800
unquote good Mormon kids. They're faithful, they're faithful. They didn't for a

989
01:19:40.279 --> 01:19:47.079
second make my kids feel anything but
loved adored, Like, oh my gosh,

990
01:19:47.159 --> 01:19:51.399
let's hang out, what's the latest
whatever game? Like it didn't matter

991
01:19:53.039 --> 01:19:58.319
what anyone believed in that house after
the funeral was done. That's how the

992
01:19:58.399 --> 01:20:01.760
kids are these days. Yes,
the kids are like soon as all of

993
01:20:01.760 --> 01:20:05.720
you grown ups figure out how to
get your shit together and be right.

994
01:20:08.319 --> 01:20:13.079
Seriously, yeah, I mean,
and if I'm being honest, I was

995
01:20:13.199 --> 01:20:15.119
a little I don't know if nervous
was the word, but I was kind

996
01:20:15.119 --> 01:20:19.760
of wondering, right because my kids, my kids are very not Mormon.

997
01:20:20.039 --> 01:20:26.319
Okay, they dress very not Mormon, they talk very not Mormon. The

998
01:20:26.359 --> 01:20:29.960
younger ones don't even know what,
Like you pray before a meal like this

999
01:20:30.039 --> 01:20:31.000
doesn't even dawn on them, which
I love, by the way, like

1000
01:20:31.039 --> 01:20:34.479
none of this is in their head. The younger ones don't even remember religion,

1001
01:20:35.079 --> 01:20:39.960
and then the older ones were kind
of raised in it, and they

1002
01:20:40.239 --> 01:20:43.640
know that their cousins that are their
same age, that they grew up with

1003
01:20:43.680 --> 01:20:47.199
in the same city for a while, like they know there's differences there now

1004
01:20:47.439 --> 01:20:51.279
word like all the people that we
grew up with, yeah, that have

1005
01:20:51.399 --> 01:20:57.920
now left the church. But then
you go to a funeral of her friend's

1006
01:20:58.039 --> 01:21:00.800
mom. Yeah, and you are
gonna into a whole bunch of more and

1007
01:21:00.840 --> 01:21:06.000
you know, yep what the gig
is and you're like, okay, right,

1008
01:21:06.399 --> 01:21:10.399
yeah, and that's so. Yeah, and your kids are going through

1009
01:21:10.399 --> 01:21:14.920
that too, that's so they and
they don't yeah, you know it is.

1010
01:21:14.960 --> 01:21:17.840
It's interesting because my older kids they
know the Mormon beliefs, and they

1011
01:21:17.880 --> 01:21:23.239
know which of their cousins still believe
that, and they don't fucking care because

1012
01:21:23.279 --> 01:21:27.800
they're Mormon cousins. Don't treat them
any differently, And they wouldn't go up

1013
01:21:28.039 --> 01:21:32.279
to their Mormon cousins and be like, you know what, you're fucking crazy,

1014
01:21:33.079 --> 01:21:39.960
get out of that. There's respect
absolutely, and the Mormon cousins when

1015
01:21:39.960 --> 01:21:44.600
my kids swear, because they do, and I think it's awesome. Mormon

1016
01:21:44.640 --> 01:21:48.039
cousins aren't like ay Man language.
It doesn't. No, nobody is judging

1017
01:21:48.399 --> 01:21:51.760
anybody. And this makes me so
happy for that generation. This says,

1018
01:21:51.800 --> 01:21:55.760
this is gen Z. This is
the age of all these cousins. Roughly

1019
01:21:55.800 --> 01:22:00.199
in the gen Z area. There
are a lot of like judgmental ass whole

1020
01:22:00.199 --> 01:22:01.520
gen Z Mormon kids. Of course, of course there's going to be.

1021
01:22:01.560 --> 01:22:06.239
But for some reason, this my
family and I don't know there, I

1022
01:22:06.239 --> 01:22:09.359
don't know. I don't know what
I'm saying here, except for it was

1023
01:22:09.399 --> 01:22:15.479
beautiful to see believers and non believers
giving zero shits about who believed what and

1024
01:22:15.520 --> 01:22:20.880
hanging out like buds, yes,
and just doing fun crazy shit. Yay.

1025
01:22:21.520 --> 01:22:27.399
I loved it. Yay, good
Yes. And so I'm like,

1026
01:22:28.119 --> 01:22:31.680
it's gonna be okay, you know, for me, it's getting okay,

1027
01:22:31.960 --> 01:22:35.960
it's getting better. Yes, right, and it is going to be okay,

1028
01:22:36.039 --> 01:22:43.000
of course it is. But how
sweet for that Yeah, after experience

1029
01:22:43.119 --> 01:22:47.800
like here you are, Mom's in
a casket, this is permanent, this

1030
01:22:47.880 --> 01:22:54.159
is done. Yeah, And then
to have that sweet experience with your kids

1031
01:22:55.119 --> 01:23:00.359
it was awesome and just be like
okay, and like basically you come out

1032
01:23:00.399 --> 01:23:04.319
to a whole chapel full of people
are yep, from the podium. It

1033
01:23:04.399 --> 01:23:10.199
was amazing. With my sleeves pushed
up so my tattoos could show. I

1034
01:23:10.279 --> 01:23:13.840
noticed. Did you see me pushing
them up? No? I just noticed

1035
01:23:13.880 --> 01:23:17.119
on the video. What are you
gonna do cover your tattoos? No?

1036
01:23:17.479 --> 01:23:21.199
Fuck off? No, anyone that
can't handle tattoos. No, not at

1037
01:23:21.199 --> 01:23:26.479
all, speaking of this isn't speaking
of tattoos, but speaking of I guess

1038
01:23:26.520 --> 01:23:34.520
desecreating something holy like your is.
So my aunt Beverly and if you remember

1039
01:23:34.600 --> 01:23:40.159
the funeral part one, she was
the woman in the room for when we

1040
01:23:40.159 --> 01:23:42.720
were dressing my mom, who was
like, Shelley, who would you like

1041
01:23:42.760 --> 01:23:45.199
to say the prayer? Which I
wasn't expecting. I'm like, holy shit,

1042
01:23:45.600 --> 01:23:49.239
this Mormon woman just like like gave
me the mic, you know,

1043
01:23:49.319 --> 01:23:54.640
which I was. She stepped in. Yeah, that's bitches sticking together.

1044
01:23:54.840 --> 01:23:58.960
That's right, that is bitches sticking
together. Yep. So she had told

1045
01:23:58.960 --> 01:24:02.039
me about something that she had I'd
heard about people doing, which was decorating

1046
01:24:02.039 --> 01:24:08.560
a casket before it goes into the
ground. So Mike and Mark and I

1047
01:24:08.640 --> 01:24:12.760
we picked out a white casket for
my mom because she would have liked that

1048
01:24:12.960 --> 01:24:16.439
and it makes a great canvas.
So and I will throw some pictures up

1049
01:24:16.880 --> 01:24:19.560
on social media after this episode comes
out, seeing and check them out.

1050
01:24:19.600 --> 01:24:25.600
But god, I haven't what I
haven't seen these pictures? What kind of

1051
01:24:25.640 --> 01:24:28.960
a friend are you? When we're
done recording, I shall show you the

1052
01:24:28.960 --> 01:24:32.880
pictures. Kelly's busy. Listen,
life's been a bit. Okay, we're

1053
01:24:32.920 --> 01:24:40.840
pulling through. I went to Walmart
before the funeral and I bought so many

1054
01:24:41.880 --> 01:24:49.520
stickers and glitter glue sticks and a
puffy paint and paint markers and whatever I

1055
01:24:49.520 --> 01:24:54.720
could find. And after they dedicated
this and this is what was kind of

1056
01:24:54.720 --> 01:24:59.680
funny to me. So they do
the dedicatory prayer at the gravesite and you

1057
01:24:59.680 --> 01:25:00.079
have to have the priest to do
that, and shit, I'm like,

1058
01:25:00.079 --> 01:25:03.119
blah blah blah. He refinished with
that. And then I'm like, kids,

1059
01:25:03.239 --> 01:25:08.159
grandkids came here. All the grandkids
came up, and I passed out

1060
01:25:08.319 --> 01:25:15.760
all of this stuff and they blemed
my mom's casket out like you wouldn't believe.

1061
01:25:16.720 --> 01:25:21.399
Yeah, I'm like, god,
this is how Grandma would want it.

1062
01:25:21.600 --> 01:25:27.680
Oh, she was dancing in her
grave. She was like whoa.

1063
01:25:28.199 --> 01:25:30.560
And the kids had so much fun. This was so bonding for the kids

1064
01:25:30.600 --> 01:25:34.560
because they were writing down tunny.
Yeah. They were like, oh my

1065
01:25:34.560 --> 01:25:38.600
gosh, I remember when Grandma said
this when she lost her mind, and

1066
01:25:38.680 --> 01:25:43.359
it was like some stupid thing like
it was just so good. That's so

1067
01:25:43.359 --> 01:25:47.800
sweet, Shelley. Yes, that's
so cool that you. Okay, well,

1068
01:25:47.800 --> 01:25:50.359
I guess we're friends forever. I
mean, we already knew that.

1069
01:25:51.079 --> 01:25:56.239
But it was beautiful. God,
damn it, dude, that is so

1070
01:25:57.840 --> 01:26:02.680
thank you. It was You're a
good human. This world needs more of

1071
01:26:02.720 --> 01:26:06.960
you. Thank you. And now
I'm going to figure out how to clone

1072
01:26:08.000 --> 01:26:13.640
me. Thank you for finishing my
sonnus are we finishing these other sentences?

1073
01:26:13.840 --> 01:26:18.880
And sandwiches? God? That's so
sweet? Holy shit. Has anyone ever

1074
01:26:18.960 --> 01:26:23.000
done that ever? I don't know. My aunt Beverley was just like I

1075
01:26:23.039 --> 01:26:26.000
heard of someone doing this once.
I'm like, oh my gosh. Yeah,

1076
01:26:26.920 --> 01:26:31.840
one would want their casket bedazzled.
It would be Dixie. We bedazzled

1077
01:26:31.840 --> 01:26:36.079
the ship out of it in like
ninety degree weather. It will I'll show

1078
01:26:36.119 --> 01:26:40.399
you pictures. If you were,
you were sweating and crafting. Damn right,

1079
01:26:40.520 --> 01:26:45.960
I'm like grandkids. Hell yeah,
and Dixie. My mom she was

1080
01:26:45.000 --> 01:26:47.840
all crafty and ship too. I
mean she never finished a craft because she

1081
01:26:47.960 --> 01:26:53.199
was that type like you. I
don't know where from, I don't know.

1082
01:26:53.239 --> 01:26:55.640
I don't know why half my kids
can't focus on their lives either,

1083
01:26:57.000 --> 01:27:00.640
what kid can I know? Yeah, we we the grand kids, blinged

1084
01:27:00.640 --> 01:27:02.760
it up and they will not forget
that. Now. Having now, after

1085
01:27:03.039 --> 01:27:09.600
talking about this, I'm like,
my dad's funeral is gonna suck. It's

1086
01:27:09.640 --> 01:27:13.920
gonna be a sister. Oh God, please don't ask me to talk at

1087
01:27:13.920 --> 01:27:15.319
my dad's funeral. I'll be like, oh, let me tell you about

1088
01:27:15.319 --> 01:27:17.680
the time that he bored me to
know. I'm just kidding, but it

1089
01:27:17.720 --> 01:27:25.760
will never it could never match my
grandma or it could never match my mom's

1090
01:27:25.800 --> 01:27:30.760
funeral. Ever. Well, and
that's not his vibe, No, not

1091
01:27:30.840 --> 01:27:35.199
at all. He vibe was like, bedazzle the shit out of my casket.

1092
01:27:35.359 --> 01:27:40.359
Yeah, your dad's vibe is more
formal, and it's gonna be but

1093
01:27:40.600 --> 01:27:44.239
you know, he will do it
however he wants it, and I'll yeah,

1094
01:27:44.640 --> 01:27:46.520
I'll sleep through it because it'll be
boring. I'm just kidding. I'm

1095
01:27:46.520 --> 01:27:49.439
not kidding. Actually, I don't
know, but it'll be a good excuse

1096
01:27:49.479 --> 01:27:51.840
to get all the grandkids together,
get in through a party, which is

1097
01:27:51.880 --> 01:27:56.479
what we did. Yes, So
yeah, the cousins, the believers and

1098
01:27:56.520 --> 01:28:01.119
the non believers get together and go
nobody cares what we believe. It's your

1099
01:28:01.279 --> 01:28:06.680
friends. I know. That's good. How's it going. Yes? I

1100
01:28:06.720 --> 01:28:11.880
love seeing all these kids together.
They're just the biggest group of dorky,

1101
01:28:12.199 --> 01:28:17.159
fun kids. They're just they're amazing. So I am very lucky. And

1102
01:28:17.359 --> 01:28:21.760
there you go. And I love
that you have that perspective too. It's

1103
01:28:21.760 --> 01:28:25.520
taken a while to get that,
it really has. There was a lot

1104
01:28:25.520 --> 01:28:30.039
of years where it was just anger
at anything having to do with Mormonism and

1105
01:28:30.199 --> 01:28:32.239
well, and you have to leave
it and kind and avoid it and be

1106
01:28:32.359 --> 01:28:35.079
like no, I'm standing my ground. I have to. Like, it's

1107
01:28:35.239 --> 01:28:40.279
really hard to leave a cult.
Oh yeah, yeah, so you have

1108
01:28:40.359 --> 01:28:45.039
to create distance. But then you
can come back and be like, okay,

1109
01:28:45.159 --> 01:28:48.880
dang dongs, like here we are
not part of it anymore. But

1110
01:28:49.000 --> 01:28:53.399
I love you, yeah, absolutely, And everyone has their own journey and

1111
01:28:53.479 --> 01:28:56.199
some people might not ever want to
come back to any part of it,

1112
01:28:56.239 --> 01:28:59.119
and that's that's fine too. You
do what's safe for you. You do

1113
01:28:59.159 --> 01:29:02.000
it, what's good for you you. I'm just talking about my my journey,

1114
01:29:02.000 --> 01:29:06.039
and this is how it's how it's
been, and it's I love that

1115
01:29:06.079 --> 01:29:10.960
there's been some healing of relationships and
I'll talk about that more in other episodes

1116
01:29:10.960 --> 01:29:14.119
because I you know, there's a
lot of that going on. So yeah,

1117
01:29:14.159 --> 01:29:17.000
well shit, I think we did
it. Yes, dude, listeners,

1118
01:29:17.119 --> 01:29:23.359
thank you for being patient. If
you've been rolling your eyes whatever,

1119
01:29:24.000 --> 01:29:27.279
sorry, not sorry. This is
where we're at and it's gonna We're just

1120
01:29:27.319 --> 01:29:32.000
gonna keep keep at it and hey
things and yes, stop apologizing. Oh

1121
01:29:32.039 --> 01:29:36.920
you're right. People fucking love you. Oh it has been hard for me

1122
01:29:38.000 --> 01:29:40.840
to make this decision to do this
on my own. Serious me too,

1123
01:29:40.920 --> 01:29:44.800
proud of scared to death, but
don't be scared. People love you,

1124
01:29:44.880 --> 01:29:48.159
don't apologize. Yeah you know what? Yeah? Not sorry? Not sorry?

1125
01:29:48.279 --> 01:29:51.319
No sorry? Man? How do
we end this? How does it

1126
01:29:51.399 --> 01:29:55.079
usually end? We have to thank
Dan? Thanks for leaving it in,

1127
01:29:55.199 --> 01:30:00.359
Dan, Thanks to Dan, Thanks
also for cutting things out because we have

1128
01:30:00.479 --> 01:30:05.199
prottled on. I guess we'll see
you next time. And until then,

1129
01:30:05.840 --> 01:30:11.119
steer clear of colts, Steer clear
of colts and also, everyone, we

1130
01:30:11.159 --> 01:30:14.000
have to finish it. Steer clear
of colts because they are no joke.

1131
01:30:14.199 --> 01:30:15.199
They are no joke. Okay,
now what do you want to say.

1132
01:30:15.399 --> 01:30:19.720
I want to say, take your
right hand, okay, bend to the

1133
01:30:19.760 --> 01:30:27.960
waist and slap your ass for me, big slap. We had an ass

1134
01:30:27.960 --> 01:30:30.000
slap in good time. We have
had an ass slap in good time.

1135
01:30:30.039 --> 01:30:32.720
But I want everyone to slap their
own asses. Okay, do it?

1136
01:30:32.840 --> 01:30:36.960
Okay, done it? Yeah,
slap it? Did you do it?

1137
01:30:36.960 --> 01:30:43.159
Slap your ass, gamer, slap
your ass. Oh my gosh. It's

1138
01:30:43.159 --> 01:30:45.840
almost like the Mickey Mouse Club where
they call it the name of the of

1139
01:30:45.920 --> 01:30:50.359
the My wife, Ann slap your
ass and I'll do it for you later.

1140
01:30:51.039 --> 01:30:56.079
Okay, lonely, old jolly,
you'll just go to bed lonely tonight.

1141
01:30:56.359 --> 01:31:00.680
So that's awesome. Thank you all
right, y'all again, thanks for

1142
01:31:00.720 --> 01:31:08.000
listening. We love you, and
bye bye h