In this episode, dude, this is weird. Yeah wow, okay,
but like, doesn't it make sense though? Kind of in a way everything
does and doesn't, which makes it make sense more. Yeah, wow,
okay. In this episode today is my first record with someone new who is
not Mary. This is the this is the first moving forward episode as a
matter of fact, and it is also part two of the Funeral. Actually
this isn't the first episode moving forward. I mean it is already listeners are
like, what the fuck? People, okay, and they're also like,
we know, Kirsten, come on, okay. So Funeral part one I
recorded with Kimberly Anderson. Okay, so I guess it only makes sense that
part two I'm recording again with someone new and this episode will out after the
Christmas episode, so you kind of already know what's coming people, And here
it is, which, by the way, I have not yet recorded the
Christmas episode. We'll do it to whatever fucking order we want. Maybe this
could be the Christmas episode, joined us sing we wish you whatever. But
yeah, this is the intro so Funeral episode Part two. We'll take a
quick break and we'll be right back. You know what, this is raw
and this is real. I don't know how to fucking start the episode.
That's cool, seriously, so well, shit just kind of hit me.
Fuck funny. Hey, I brought a roll of toilet paper. Thank you.
I'm welcome, Okay, I guess I'm starting out and I'm trying intros.
I I was just saying, I've never done the intro. How did
it go? It was like Welcome to Latter Day Lesbian, where uh the
X the story about an next morning Mormon gay girl girl trying to figure out
her life, her life. And I'm gonna say I'm Shelley because I that's
me now and you always have been. Yeah, I always have been,
but I always said it second okay, because I'm Mary, and then I'm
I'm Shelley. But now it's it's I'm Shelley. And a special guest host
who will be appearing often and frequently. Introduce yourself, Kirsten. Hi,
my name is Kirsten, Kirsten Morgan and Hi, dude, Hey dude,
Hey, this is HM. This is gonna be one. It's going to
be one. I didn't know I would get emotion, of course you are,
dude. Fuck, it's okay, cry, you know what I am
okay, and she is a therapist of mine, one of the many it
takes a lot to run this shit show of Kirsten, a therapist of mine,
said, when you feel like you need to cry, cry because the
only way you can release the chemicals that your body needs to release is through
tears. And that's why when you have a good cry after you're like,
oh my gosh, I think I just needed to cry, you know,
I'm not. No, you're waying it perfectly or what I never cried and
felt worse. No, you cry and then you're like, okay, cool,
purge, purge. Yeah. I So this this episode I was thinking
would be emotional because of the content. I didn't expect to get smacked in
the face with the fact that it's not Mary. Yeah, but fuck it,
I'm really real and it's about being real and about being vulnerable and about
talking about shit. So no, I'm not gonna cut the recording off and
have a cry and then come back and act like everything's fine. This is
going to suck. Yeah, and that is okay. And you also don't
have to do it. You can abord mission anytime. I could. But
we're already down here in your kid's basement bedroom who moved up. But that's
another story. So where am I today? I am right now in Salt
Lake City. It was kind of a last minute trip plan to come out
and visit my dad. So I had intended to record Funeral Part two with
my good b at Kirsten because we are very alike in our hearts and our
and our feels in I don't know. Kirsten's good people and she gets me,
and I know it's gonna be a great episode. Also, can I
just like AAJA right here? Yes, Shelley is good people and this world
needs people like Shelley. Shelley has all of the feelings and the biggest heart
and the capacity to feel all at once, everything everywhere, all at once.
It's the movie. Yeahs Oscar, that's my fucking life. Where's my
fucking Oscar? Shelley's Oscar? Will you make me wonder when I come out
again the Academy? I will make you an Oscar? Oh, will you
give it to me next time I come out? Yeah, it's gonna maybe
no, A'll surprise it with you, But I feel like it's going to
be Oscar the Grouch, you know, Kirsten. Fuck you because you're grouchy,
just because Oscar the Grouch is the shit Oscar and Oskar like this gold
man with his hands together. Yes, I don't know about that, but
I do know about Oscar the Grouch, and he's super duper. It was
always my favorite in Sesame Street. Always. And right now I'm having a
feeling that the fans are saying, Wait a second, are Shelley and Kirsten
together? Are they a couple? Let's stop this right then and there before
before everything goes hey wire. No, the answer is no. I know
everyone's wondering, like, what's going on with Shelley? Is she dating?
Blah blah blah. No, Kirsten and I are not dating. Kirsten is
actually married to a wonderful woman by the name of Anne, who I adore
almost as much as Kirsten does. Kirsten is simply my heart friend. I'm
a confident I don't know that song. I had a party what are you
saying? And invited everyone I knew. Come on, it's Golden Girls.
Okay, sorry, no, I've seen that much so everyone, he said,
tell me that my mom was Rose. Everyone tells me I'm right,
Shut the fuck up, all Rose, she's a little ding doug. Uh
huh, yep, yep. From where was it Saint Olaf that she was
from, saying, Oh my god, you're right, You're right. That's
funny. Well that was a throwback, wasn't it. It was? So
I'm here because I have not seen my dad since the funeral. You know,
it's an interesting relationship with my dad because I love my dad. I
like my dad. I love my dad, but I never have felt the
I guess the poll to be protective of him. I guess so. With
my mom, I came out to Utah a lot to be with her,
because, for one, I knew that she really liked having me around,
and I want wanted my mom to be happy, and I was worried about
her, and I would come and help her in things, and yeah,
i'd visit my dad too. With my dad, I just haven't. I
don't know. Do I sound like an asshole saying I haven't wanted to come
see him. I don't mean it like that, but let's be honest.
My life has been a complete shit storm since the funeral, Since before the
funeral, I mean, I think everyone at this point knows that Mary and
I broke up and then my mom died, and so it hasn't been like
I've kind of been in a great headspace anyway. That's an excuse, but
I'll I'm using it because it's valid. But also, your dad has been,
uh, he's been complicated. Yeah, yes, I don't know.
I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, but no, you're right.
It's a little bit like your mom. It's your mom for crying out
life. Your mom, it's your mom. She was so approachable and so
heart heart heart, and your dad has been a little combative, you know
as much, and like more complicated. So yeah, it takes maybe a
little bit more energy to want to lean into that, but like you do
it right, of course you do right. Absolutely, it's no, you're
right on there. And it made me think of I had a complicated relationship
with both of them as I was leaving the church, because you know,
no one likes when their daughter leads to the church and starts an anti warn
podcast. It doesn't really sit well with them. But my mom and I
got to a place of healing, of apologies and of healing and mutual respect
and mutual admiration, and it was beautiful. What about those apologies? Tell
me? Yeah, So, so my mom had and I have had conversations
where she has a paulologize for things that she did as a mom. And
this is see now my mind's going like to Gavin and you know people with
kids when there's like this big where the kid rails on the parent, like
you did this and you did that. Oh, I wouldn't know anything about
not a thing, would you never two weeks ago? No, Yeah,
we might need to talk about that if you're willing at another time or whenever.
I mean, we can talk about it now, but this is more
about yeah, the deal. Okay, So the healing with my mom and
I became it was her apologizing to me. But that wasn't what I needed.
I needed her to understand why things had hurt me, and she did
and that so when she did, and that was the apology that just healed
me and any kind of resentment I had toward her gone, and that moved
forward into just loving her and understanding that the things that she did as a
parent growing up that were harmful to me, it was because of the way
she was raised. It was because of the pressures put on her. Was
because of how she thought she was supposed to act and I'm just being in
a cult, Yes, you have to act this way. Yes, And
so she did, yeah, and also realizing that it was unfair of me
as I left the cult, and I say, I saw, holy shit,
what a bunch of harmful, fucking bullshit, Like I see it right,
Yeah, And so my anger is there, and so I'm pissed that
she doesn't see it. I didn't try to get her to see it,
but the fact that she the way that she hurt me, I guess growing
up from the cult, Now that I'm seeing it's just such a bunch of
bullshit. It made me like, how could you not? You know what
I'm saying. Yeah, And now that I'm the anger isn't swirling anymore.
I can see why she did things that she did because of the cult,
and I'm not pissed off at her. I'm like, yeah, of course
you said those things. She's a victim too, exactly, you said those
things, you did those things. I forgive it, and you actually are
seeing how it hurt me, right, And that was very healing, And
from that point it was just so much easier to have this love relationship between
her and I now my dad. I know my dad loves me. I
know he does. I know he would do anything for me. But he
and I never had that moment. He's never said I'm sorry this made you
feel that way. He's never acknowledged like actually when I have This has been
years ago at this point, like three four years when I when I did
tell him things that he said or did because of the church and how they
hurt me, he just brushed it off and laughed. So did he really
laugh? Yeah, he laughed like, oh yeah, your life was so
hard ha ha, you know, just kind of being a dip. Okay.
And again I'm not holding that against him, not acknowledging, not validating
absolutely, okay absolutely and saying like okay, okay, poor poor you.
Oh gosh, life was so hard, you know. And again I'm not
mad about that anymore. But I can see why I haven't had this closure
in bond with my dad. But again, to be honest, my dad's
not super touchy feely anyway, So none of it's kind of a shocker that
I, you know, I don't call my dad every day. I don't.
I'm not like, oh my god, I want to call my dad
and tell him blah blah blah. They're just that never has been there,
it still isn't now, And so I never felt like this huge pull to
like, oh, I need to go spend time with my dad. I
need to go spend time with my dad, because there's just I don't know
just is this makes sense? Yes it does. And from what I know
of you, you've had struggles with your dad where he will call you,
and he will call you over and over and over again. It's like over
and over with nothing important to say except what he wants to tell me.
There's never there's never been a close relationship, right there was nothing to do.
He's not asking you about how you are and stuff like that, and
that's you know, he has dementia. Of course, it's your your mother
had demensia. You know, he's he's dealing with all of that. I'm
not providing excuses. I'm just saying I don't think there really needs to be
an excuse, like your dad is who your dad is, and your mom
is who your mom is, and I don't know, I've had to come
up with a lot of acceptance right now with my own family and just kind
of having to be like, these are grown ass people that have made their
own grown ass decisions, and I get frustrated, and but I mean,
we can we can do that at another time. We'll have a care since
frustrated episode. Yeah, oh god. If we kept going on frustrations,
this would be like a seventeen hour frustration and listeners would be like, I
thought this was funeral part two and then it turned into an airing of grievances.
Yes, best of us, Yes, oh god, okay, that's
funny. But yeah, it's of course, like you're not being like I
want to chill with my dad and have conversations with my dad because your dad's
been difficult. Yeah, it's been really hard, especially over the last five
years for sure. Absolutely, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So
this is my first time coming back out to see him. The reason I've
come out is, you know, he doesn't he hasn't called me much lately.
But I talked to my two brothers about it, and they're like,
yeah, dad's losing his shit, like Dad's ginny skinny, Dad's whatever.
And this is when I so just to revisit this. I have my oldest
brother named David. He lives in the area he's not a great human.
He's caused a lot of problems within the family and with my parents. And
that's like, that's like a Scandal's episode right there. So if you're wondering
what that is, yeah, it turns out David's kind of a Doche the
douchiest. So I was like, you know what, I need to go
out and see Dad before Christmas. Like, come on, don't I can
do this. So I booked a ticket, and then my brother Mark,
Oh, I'm sorry, David's the oldest. Then there's Mike, and he's
a doctor. They live in Florida. He and I get along great.
Then there's Mark, uh, he lives in Washington State. He and I
get along great. Never any issues between the three of us anymore, which
is awesome. And so anyway way, Mark was like, well, I'm
going to fly out too, you know, maybe we can overlap by day
and hang out like sweet. And then my brother Mike was like, oh,
well, hey, I'm going to be in Hawaii and I'll be flying
actually into Salt Lake to pick up my daughters to go to Boise. So
I think we're all gonna overlap by like a day. Look at you guys,
circle in the wall, I know, hashtag tender Mercy or some shit.
Yeah, it's a homecoming, total homecoming. I don't know. As
I'm talking and I'm like, this is the this is the first episode in
the new year for me, with it being solo. I'm just having all
of these ideas pop into my head about things that I want to talk about,
and so I'm just I don't know. I know, we should have
brought a notepad. We will never forget this, okay. But the one
thing I thought about was, like, the relationships that have healed with me
and my two brothers. It's been fucking awesome. And I'll talk about them
in the future episode because there's there is a lot of healing after culting,
you know, Yeah, you can leave the cults and heal people who are
still in it. Yeah, and I'm experiencing that and it's wonderful. It's
not always wonderful, and it's not with all people, but you know,
the ones that are they really matter. Anyway, I digress. So I
flew into town and Kirsten picked me up and let me crash on her couch,
which was awesome. Met the wife and she's amazing, and then the
next day, I Kirsten dropped me off over where my dad lives. So
my dad he is not good, you guys, he is. So I'll
back it up for a second. When it was COVID, that was kind
of when all the shit started hitting the fan with my parents. If you
all remember that my dad had quit eating, he had dropped a lot of
weight. He was skinny. He weighed about one hundred and seventy pounds,
like just super skinny, like dude, what the hell? And we got
them all moved out. And this this entire stories in previous episodes, so
I'm not going to redo it. Like, go back and listen again if
you don't know the story started episode Thank you, Fie, thank you.
This is the first time I've been like co podcasting with someone where I wasn't
the one to say that it is fun to see progression. Oh yeah,
no, I for sure. And you're missing out on stories if you don't
go back to episode one. Okay, So he was like one hundred and
seventy pounds roughly, we got him move, got him up to like hovering
around one seventy five one seventy six, which was Doable's skinny but better my
dad now weighs. This morning, he weighed one hundred and thirty eight pounds.
Oh no, he is six foot one. Okay, yeah, he
shouldn't be that skinny. And listen, I you know, my brother Mark
has flown out here a lot of times. He lives in Washington States.
He flies out a lot to check on my dad, and so we're all
aware, you know. But I think the combination of having all three of
us together was like, okay, to get shit done. And so I
sat for two days and watched my dad and it was basically he just wanted
to lay in bed. He would get up and go to the bathroom and
then go back and lay in bed. But yeah, all day, you
know, his he might be shutting down his organs. Oh yeah, might
be shutting down. Did they tell you that at the care centers? They
say, hey, listen, Maybe they didn't say anything about organs specific organs
shutting down. But of course, the less you eat, the less energy
you have, which makes you eat less, and then you sleep more and
you eat less and you move less. And yeah, I mean it's I
feel like it's the natural progression. Yeah, definitely. I mean, any
hospice person would tell you, Yeah, that's this is Yeah, it shuts
down, sure, yeah, and you stop eating. Yeah, and yep,
and he's he doesn't he doesn't want to eat. And so if no
one's there actively putting food in his mouth, it just doesn't want to eat.
I mean he'll like go grab a popsicle out of the freezer from time
to time. Yeah, but clearly if you've dropped that much weight since you
know, my mom died in August of just this last year of twenty twenty
three, so yeah, last year, that's a lot of weight to drop,
yeah quickly. Yeah, he used to be super social, mister social
guy. Now he's a hermit. He doesn't want visitors because I think he's
embarrassed. I don't know, this is me putting words in his mouth.
What do you mean about visitors who like the other residents or yeah, I
mean he doesn't go out of his room on his own anymore. And if
someone comes over to visit, like Mark's son Luke comes to visit sometimes,
and it's just kind of a painful sort of it's like because he's got to
get out of bed, you know, and what if he's had an accident,
and yeah, maybe he just you know, he just wants to go
to sleep, Like, oh, this person is staying a really long time.
I just want to go to sleep. Yeah, So he the enjoyment
in his life is nothing. I don't He didn't smile the whole time I
was there, And of course I cracked jokes because I'm the funny one,
you know, I don't say, but he didn't laugh. He just looks
exhausted, exhausted. So he was in the act of living side of Jamestown.
It's the retirement or the senior what would we call what is it called?
We called him old folks homes back in the day. We don't do
that anymore. Yes, we're gonna go with that. My mom before she
passed, was in the memory care side, which has a lot more lot
Yes, yeah, and so decision was made. I'm like Mike, Mark,
I think Dad's got to go to memory care. This is this is
fucking nuts. And we talked about it like yeah, you know, will
help him make the decision, but the decision has kind of been made.
So to what happened all day today is Mike and Mark and I with zero
help from David, of course, because he doesn't help us douche town.
Yeah, because yeah, douchetown who actually lives in town but cannot help.
Oh, I know I will anyway, but I get protective of Yes,
I really slap well, I just kind of want to be like, hey,
you you you like I'm kind of like McFly you, hey you take
her damn hands off her? Like I just get I don't know. I
mean, I say things like I want to slap him in the stupid face,
and I mean it, but what I ever actually sat? I wouldn't.
I just said could, No, I couldn't. Okay, I know
you shouldn't anyway. I just I want to slap him on his stupid mouth.
Not ever, I'm so rude anyway, continue cut that out. No,
I leave it in Dan Dan anyway, So we spent all day today
moving my dad. Well, first we talked to this warning and it was
like, hey, dad, so this is kind of what we're thinking.
Do you think it's a good idea? And he just shut down. Yeah,
because he'll lay in bed and open his eyes and talk sort of.
But he basically pretended like he had fallen back asleep immediately. I know he
hadn't. He just shut down, And so we just said, okay,
Dad, well we feel like this is the best thing for everyone, and
so we're going to do this and it's going to be fine. You can
just lay here and nap and we'll take care of it. So yeah,
that we all fucking day was moving all of my dad's ship and my day
into a new room. Okay, good, I'm glad that happened. Is
he does he remember? Like what's his His long term memory is decent,
But when we told him we were moving him and why, then he he
you know, for plaly the first couple of hours he was asking us every
twenty thirty minutes, what are we what are you doing? Why are we
doing this? This is ridiculous. Yeah, okay, so memory care,
Yeah, definitely, I wonder I remember. I mean not to laugh,
but no, you're you're right, You're right. It's just gallows humor at
this point. Yeah. So again, that was today, and that's why
I'm out here my dad. I don't know if he'll be around much longer.
I don't know at this rate. No, will he eat more in
the memory care He'll have more opportunity, he'll have more people wanting him to
eat and trying to get him to eat. But at the end of the
day, if dude's over it, he's over it. And the sounds a
little cold. Maybe it's because I'm kind of I've kind of stepped back emotionally
from my dad way more than I did my mom, and I just if
I look at it logically, homeboy is miserable. Well, it sounds like
acceptance, Like maybe you have gone through several of okay, so the grieving
process, Yeah, all of those steps. Right, maybe you've done a
lot of them already, especially with your mama, but with your pops,
you've probably already gone through it. You're not denying it, right, right,
You're not angry, right, And I don't know. You're right,
I'm not angry. I don't miss him. That sounds bad maybe, but
I don't like It's not like I'm worried about losing this relationship that I have
with my father because it just really isn't much of one. Yeah, that's
fair. Really, Yes, I sound I feel No, No, you
don't. It's okay to admit that. It's not even admittance. It's okay
to acknowledge that you just don't have a close relationship with your pops and especially
not lately. But it's okay, Like you're not a bad person. I
mean, it just is what it is. And I hate that phrase is
but but it is what it is. It actually fits, it actually is,
And I think we beat ourselves up over shit like that. And if
I can just give you some mercy. You came here to help your pops
who needed to be in memory care. That's what it's called, who needed
to be in memory care. You showed up, you're here. Are you
going to be all huggy and we're all gonna understand each other's jokes and isn't
this great? And like let's nuzzle each other. No, that's never been
your relationship, and especially now at the end of his life, it's not.
He doesn't want that. He wants to go to sleep. Yeah,
he's done. He doesn't want to eat, he doesn't really, he's confused,
and he's like, what the fuck are you doing with my shit?
Yeah? Yeah, Well what we're doing with your shit is we're moving you
to a place where people are going to care for you and help you to
eat. As long as you're interested, that's it. But that his whole
life has been that. That's true. As long as you're interested. Shit.
Yeah, I guess he's always been the one to kind of call the
shots, you know. Yeah, and I guess it's only fitting that he
calls the shots on the way out too, Yeah, your joys. Yeah,
and he's shitting himself, yeah, and pissing himself. I don't mean
to be crude. I really's a really bad way, but like it's real,
Okay, I don't Yeah, I'm just kind of a sailor in my
mouth. But like if I was defecating and urinating on myself, take me
out, please, please, Like if someone has to help me clean myself
off. I mean I would appreciate that people doing that, but I would
be very sad. Yeah, and I would kind of be like, I
can't take care of myself anymore, so maybe I just want to go.
Yeah, And especially someone like my dad, who has never leaned on anyone
for help ever. He's always been the one. He's doing it all.
He's the doer. So to have him be the one who has to have
someone like clean him off, can you imagine? God? No, I
mean I know only okay, we're in our forties, but even when I
get sick at this age, I'm just kind of a lone wolf. Yeah,
I kind of want to. I don't want people watching me throw up.
No, no, no, no, I want people to, you
know, after I've thrown up and I've handled my shit in the bathroom,
but I've done all of the girl's bodily fluids. Do I want someone to
tell me that they love me? Do I want them to stroke my head
and tell me I'm pretty? I'm just kidding, but I know you're not.
But but I don't want people to see me do that, because that's
your most vulnerable, Like you feel like you're going to die. Yep,
you feel literally shitty. Yeah, that would suck us so bad. And
he's like, okay, well, I'm just this dude that just shit himself.
It's horrible here I am, and now someone has to help me because
I can't do it. Yeah, that would be so hard. I know
everyone has their like culpability with that. Yeah, but I think my level
is like way low. I be like, you know what, I've shipped
myself five times now, I'm over, Bring me the smothering pillow right,
where's that drip? Please? With the more y and me where it is?
My mom my? Mom? She would pee yourself and be like,
guess what, I just peed and laugh like it because it was such a
different personality, Like that is so cute, that's so Rose, Honey,
it's so Rod back in Saint oh Off when I pissed myself. Oh my
god, wasn't Wasn't that great? That's awesome? Yeah, point being that
sounds horrible. I hope my dad goes sooner rather than lay or for the
sake of everyone involved. I think it's the most I think it's the kindest
thing that can happen at this point. Anyway, That's why I'm here,
and I'm sure I will be doing more episodes about my dad as things progress.
But yeah, we were going to start with the funeral part two,
and then Kirsten walked in the door. I was already her house, and
she's like, we need to talk about your dad because it's fresh and it
just happened. I'm like, fuck, you know what, Yeah, you're
right because it's in my head and I'm it's why you're here right now.
That's true, good point, That is why I'm out here. Literally.
Okay, so we've covered that. Okay, about your pop, Dad's in
memory care, go there. We go. This was literally just a few
hours ago. Yeah, no, yeah, this is what I was doing
all this This is bullshit. It's hard. Okay, So let's talk about
your mom's funeral. Yeah, so I made some notes. Oh good,
and check this out my mom's funeral. Who was back in August, And
I recorded that funeral episode with Kimberly just a few days later. It was
very fresh and wow, just a few days later, Yeah it was.
It was fresh in my mind smokes. And then yeah, I just kind
of forgot about it. Not forgot about it, but like you all know,
my life has been a shit storm for the rest of twenty twenty three,
so many other things I've had to be dealing with, and so when
I was realizing, shit, I need to do Funeral part two, I
was like, well, I should probably listen to Funeral Funeral part one because
I don't remember it. I listened to it. I don't know, like
a week ago. That shit took me back there. I was crying while
I was listening. It was like, oh no, this still is in
me, this still hurts. There's still so much of course, yeah,
that's your mama. Yeah. It was interesting because I hadn't thought about it,
and I'm like, oh, let me listen to that episode real quick
so I know where to pick it up again. Oh fuck, I was
shit, you're going to be scratching the surface for yes many years? Oh
god, probably, I know. So not a recap, but I remember
at the end of the episode of part one, Kimberly was guessing that I
will well have said a bunch of swear words in the talk that I was
going to give in the funeral. Yeah, but guess what, No,
I didn't swear at all. So all of you who had money bets saying
that I would say swear words, No, you lost? Yell lost?
Yeah lost? What'd you do? Well? I'm I'm gonna tell you all
right. The things that hit me listening to that episode again was basically,
again, you know, the whole feeling like I needed to ask permission from
prese to authority, like that whole it's just still in there. I don't
I don't know at what point and ex Mormon gets in their lives where it
doesn't feel and the dressing of the body and putting on the temple clothes all
that shit. Yeah yeah, And I you know, listeners write in and
let me know, if you've been out for a long time, have you
finally gotten to the point where you don't once in a while have this feeling
that you need to ask some dudes permission for something, even the smallest thing.
Is that? Do we ever get out of that completely? Kirsten?
Does that hit you ever? Still? Yes? I The way it hits
me is I was telling you my shot buddy Kennedy. I'm a hairdresser and
she's a coworker of mine. Her therapist said that the biggest fear for men
is being laughed at. That makes sense, not being taken seriously. The
biggest fear for women is being killed, shit eaten. There you go crazy
from laugh to someone might beat the ship out of me. So yeah,
I walk around this world as a woman, and I am careful with certain
people and and it's usually men, interesting sometimes it's really rude women. But
whatever, whatever, Karen, all the cute Karens that wonderful they're called?
Who started that? Can we call them? I don't know, Blaren's make
up a whole last name if they're from utably McLarens and Okay Blarenson, Okay
Blair and mcclarens. We talk to yourn but yeah, I do. I
don't know. I'm I'm I'm strong, I'm I'm a tough chick. Yeah,
but I also know that this world hasn't caught up with how I feel
about myself, right, and so sometimes I gotta be like, okay,
ding dong, who thinks you're in charge of me? I almost feel like
it's like they're there. Hey, you know, like it's almost like running
preschool. Not all men, okay, listeners, not all men, we
get it, no for the experiencere but you know, male listeners, you
know that there are douchebags out there, and women are It's not easy.
It's not easy to be a woman. I'm literally afraid of being hurt,
especially where I work downtown, Like I keep my eye on everything. Yeah,
yeah, I guess maybe it's just something that just is always in you.
I don't know. Re Listening to that episode, it was weird for
me to be like, oh yeah, I instantly reverted to feeling like I
needed to ask a man's permission for something like the fuck you know? Yeah,
so I don't I'm hoping dude, I hear that. Don't you wish
you could do it over and be like, yes, hey, guess what,
motherfucker, I'm going to put the veil over my mom's face and you
have nothing to do with it. Yeah, I'm giving shit what you think
I might put it over my face first, just to desecrate that shit,
And then I know, I know no, But that's the thing, like
you you learn, you do, you do. I just was kind of
I'm not surprised. It just hit me again, like oh yeah, there's
there is still some submissive ass Mormon wife part of me that's not been healed
completely yet. Do and that's okay. You're DNA, like you're literally genetic
memory. I've heard of it. Like when I hear the bagpipes, I'm
like, oh my god, I'm homesick. Yeah, like I've I've never
been to Ireland, Scotland or Wales, but that's where my people come from.
And when I hear Celtic music, I'm like, oh I'm homesick.
Well shit, that is genetic memory, bitch. Yeah yeah, well yeah
that did. That should definitely hit hits in DNA. It is, it
is, it is, and it's okay, Like here you are talking about
it, being like I can't believe I asked for permission. Okay, so
what Yeah, well, I'm glad you want me to slap you on the
face for it than you maybe my ass. Okay, I'll slap for it.
I'm sure i'd be like, good job. Look at you. You
look at you, just going like, hey, that was fucked up,
dude. That's all we can do is people. You're right, like,
why do we beat ourselves up? I shouldn't beating myself up. I shouldn't
be rolling my eyes about what I did. Just be No, well,
it was an experience. And guess what I'm going to talk about it,
you know, and look you have self realization, like you're like, oh,
this happened. I'm aware. That's evolution. Well ship, Yeah,
because I didn't. I wasn't aware I was doing that. So the next
time your mom dies, just giving fucking a kirs, didn't you only die
once? I don't know. Maybe we don't know. We don't know all
things. Jury's out. That's true, that's true. I mean Lazarus had
to die twice, right, I don't care. Didn't care. I don't
care. That's good. Yeah, So are you this is gonna take all
night to get through this? Well, no, it's life, love it,
I'm having a great time. I'm just talking with you. How we
go that's true? Okay, but go okay, let's talk about your mom.
So okay, okay, focus, focus, well the bulk of no,
you know this is great. Okay, I'm and I'm easy to de
real you are easy. I'm about it and you're all about railing the fuck
I'm dirty. It's funny to me. Okay. Oh shit, Okay.
So, so my brother Mark was the one who was assigned, I guess,
to put together the program for the funeral. And when he asked me
if I wanted to talk at the funeral, that was a beautiful moment because
to me that signified kind of his complete I don't want to say acceptance of
me, because it makes it sound like he didn't accept me, but his
complete trust that I loved my mom and respected my mom and would say good
things. Well, here's the thing, dude, Like you're walking into a
Mormon chapel with all of your tattoo is and your gayness. And I'm sure
he was like, I wonder how this is gonna go. But guess what,
man, Yeah, it's not his goddamn decision. And of course you
would be appropriate Jesus, but of course you will. Of course, yeah,
of course I would. But I could like that. I like that
I could see for you, like I could see if this steps sure,
if this had been like four years ago or something. I don't know,
because there was a time in Mark and I didn't talk because there was some
anger about me leaving the church in the podcast all that my health. But
I could see where he would have maybe been like I don't think we want
her to talk. I don't know. Maybe maybe maybe not. I don't
know, but you don't know. I don't. But the fact that Mark
and I and Mike we really bonded over the love that we have for our
mom as she was passing away, and that I think that I we all
saw each other like like truly saw the human uh and the love that we
have for a mom, and that trumped everything. Yeah, that over,
you know. Now it did cause the problem, not a problem, but
in the previous episode, the funeral episode, there was an issue of is
Shelley allowed to touch the veil or whatever? And you know, go back
and listen if you forgot, you'll find out what happened. But and you
were a badass, and you did exactly what I was gonna do. That's
right, that is your mom wanted that. Yes, please. So when
I was going to prepare this talk, it's like, God, what am
I what? I don't know what am I going to say? Because I
didn't expect for a second that I would be asked to be on the program
to talk. I just didn't see it come in. I don't know why
I didn't. I just assumed and I don't know why, but I but
that's what happened in my head. It took it took me a bit to
kind of come to terms with what I was going to say. The first
thing I thought was, well, I'm just going to read some quotes from
other people about my mom because that's safe and it's easy and whatever. But
then I just kind of felt like I want to give more. You know,
there's more in me than that. What did you say? Well,
I am so glad you asked that, because I have an audio recording of
my talk that I will share with everyone right after we take this break.
Oh yes, m hmm, be right back. I didn't get a chance
to print this out. Sorry. I've been working on what to say for
a while, but it's hard because we have eighteen kids hanging out in Airbnb
with not enough adults and there's been fires to put out. I'm kidding.
They're great, great kids, but there's so much fun, just like m
Jay, that I get distracted and have to go, you know, paint
nails with everyone to celebrate Grandma or seeing teat teep, Guten appetite and all
the things that Grandma was famous for. I'm Shelley, I'm the youngest and
only daughter, and I just want to say that I'm actually the favorite.
Sorry, I'm speaking after you. Mark. You can't dispute that my mom
was born to be a grandma. She crushed Grandma hoood. I hope I
can be half the grandma. I don't need grandkids yet, so don't start
there. She was the type that would just when my kids were little,
I lived in Utah, and she would just call out of the blue and
say, hey, can I come pick up the kids to do something fun.
Now, there was no guarantee that she would buckle them in the car
seat correctly, no guarantee that she wouldn't just feed them jello and bananas,
but it was always a guarantee that they would feel loved and have a blast
with Grandma Jay, and they had no idea that their lives were in danger,
so it didn't matter. They just had a great time. My mom,
she was a rule follower unless she didn't want to follow that rule,
and then she was very good at looking the other way. Some of the
fondest memories I have of my mom was when she would take me to the
store before girls camp and we would load up a cart with everything you would
need to pull pranks for a week, everything from Barbie dolls and plastic dinosaurs
and huge underwear to raise the top of the flag pole before morning devotional to
vasilene and saran wrap to booby trap the porta potties. She was about it.
She was always up for a good prank, and she never told on
me, which I appreciated that she was my prank confidante. I could talk
for hours, literally about how fun my mom was. Any of you who
know her, you're like, yeah, it does. She's fun, But
she being a prankster that my mom was, you almost weren't sure she would
be that way because she was always smiling and so nice, But that twinkle
sometimes wasn't that she was happy to see you. Sometimes it's like, oh,
yeah, it's going down and you wouldn't know, and it was coming,
and I'm a little worried that she's planning something right now. So if
I'm like this, that's what's happening. My mom was also the popular lady
her whole life, but actually in the memory care center, the staff there,
they were so impressed how many people would come see her every single day.
And I'm not just talking about the five or more times per day that
my dad would visit. One of my favorite pictures is my loyal dad when
he had COVID peering into my mom's window just to see her, and the
look on my mom's face was awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I
haven't lived in Utah for almost twenty years, but when I got messaged,
when I posted on social media that my mom had passed or that she was
getting ready to pass and that she was in the memory care unit, I
would have people that I had no idea who they were, know that I
was her daughter, and they would message me, how can I go see
your mom? What time can I go see your mom? When can I
go see your mom? For me, that's just such a beautiful thing.
Everyone wanted to be around her, and I know they left visiting her coming
in happier and more uplifted and having a brighter view on life just from the
time that they were able to share with my mom. And that's exactly how
I felt too. Over the past couple of years, I was able to
fly out dozens of times to help care for her, but I know the
love I felt from her every single time I visited. Made every long layover,
every ridiculous jet lag, all the mist sleep, all the mist work,
missing my kids, it was all worth it to spend those moments with
the most wonderful woman in the world. Speaking of social media, when I
posted on Facebook about my mom's passing, my post became flooded with replies and
I felt really popular. But it was about my mom, So I'm going
to give that to She affected everyone she met and always for the better.
And I'd like to just share really quickly some of these posts with you,
not all of them, because we'd be here past funeral potatoes. She was
truly one of a kind, has a heart of gold, and she will
be missed. I absolutely loved your mom, worked with her for years.
She brought so much joy to my life. Quote I loved you, Dixie,
my childhood friend. Close quote I love Dixie. She was one of
the best people I have ever known, with a heart of gold, hugs
and a heart your mom was an absolute angel to our family, ward and
neighborhood. Dixie always made me feel so welcome in the Burro Up family.
She was a vivacious and fun person and will be greatly missed. Dixie lit
up every room she entered with her energy and love. That's so true.
You just couldn't be sad around her, couldn't. It was impossible. Nothing
but memories of her being so kind, helpful, and loving to everyone.
I always loved her smiles and her hugs. I always thought your mom was
amazing. I knew your mother from junior and senior high school. We dated
many times. Sorry, Dad, it didn't work out. It's okay.
You got the girl school dances, nears parties, attending in those days,
church eating, saccarm meetings. She was a great friend. What a great
lady. She always made all of us feel like we were her kids.
Even after the mission, we would see her in Eagle Mountain and she would
treat my wife and my kids the same way. She will be missed.
Thank you for sharing her with us. The Cookie Grandma will be missed.
She was such a light. Love her so much so sincerely blessed to be
one of her missionaries. Sending you all my loving prayers. There is no
one else like her. She lived across the street from my parents for years
and we loved to play at the Cookie Grandma's house. I remember playing in
their playhouse when when we were little. She was the sweetest person ever.
If any of you did not get a chance to play in the playhouse,
y's I'm sorry. I'm sorry, this is maybe amazing. She was one
of a kind and one of the kindest souls. We love the Cookie Grandma.
By the way, COVID did not get Cookie Grandma down. I have
seen pictures of her leaning over the railing on her porch with long tongs to
hand the cookies to the children as they lined up so safety first, but
she wasn't gonna drop the ball on that. We love her so much and
are so grateful for the memories that we made with her. She was so
wonderful with my kiddos and loved wearing her unicorn pajamas with my daughter. Who
got those for her? By the way, manyone want to admit to that.
Nope, Okay, she probably bought them herself. Sister Johnson was such
an amazing mom. I remember being a brand new missionary, half scared to
death, and she made me feel so loved and welcome to the mission field.
I love your mom so much. She called to seeing happy birthday to
me on my birthday. I'll never forget it or the unconditional love she offered.
I'm not sure until my mom got quite old that she ever ever missed
a birthday for my kids. I have seven, by the way, so
there's plenty of time to miss one. But she always called, and the
kids were always happy, and it always was just Grandma and Grandpa singing Happy
Birthday. What a wonderful gift to my kids. We got to be their
neighbor for a short, wonderful time they were Grandma and Grandpa Jay. My
kids loved going down to their house and they always had cookies and kindness to
share. I love her smile. She never let a challenge get her down.
As missionaries, she showed true leadership and courage. She made sure that
we knew that if she could do it, then we could do it.
Absolutely one of the sweetest, kindest, loveliest women I've ever known. I
feel so blessed and grateful for the time I was able to be in the
mission president with her and President Johnson. I remember how determined she was to
learn better German. I remember her working in the kitchen one day with her
German helper, and they would practice German as they were cleaning and meal prepping.
She always had a smile and always brought a smile to my face and
heart. This one's a little longer, but I love it. This was
from one of her past missionaries. He says, my first month in the
mission fields, Sister Johnson and I got to talking about how it's going,
and when we did, she began to sob. She just cried and cried
and unloaded on me how hard it was and how the language was daunting.
And I was right there with her, expressing what empathy I could, while
being like, oh my gosh, what do I do. This sweet lady's
just crying and I don't know how to help, And on top of that,
she's hugging me. Me pause on the hugging thing. My mom gave
the best hugs. And she's the type that if you're like hanging out and
then you go, oh, I'm gonna run in my car and get something,
she's gonna hug you before you go to your car, and then she's
gonna hug you when you come back in. Like it's been years, but
she just gave like that. Uh Anyway, he says it was so powerful
for me going forward because I knew I had this friend that was going through
what I was going through. But I also knew that she loved me and
trusted me with that kind of vulnerability. My mom was never afraid to be
vulnerable, and it gave me strength to be okay being vulnerable as well.
He says, I can't really describe how I felt about it except that it
was a beautiful breakdown that we shared. And going forward, I watched her
fight and I thought, if she can, I can. And I never
worried about what she thought of me or my efforts. I just knew she
loved me for being there. Yeah, that was my mom. She loved
everyone, She judged no one. So for those of you who don't know,
I was raised in the church and I chose a different path a few
years ago, and I know that was hard for my mom. When I
told my mom I was gay. I know that was hard for her too.
But you know what she did. She found and joined an LGBTQ support
group so she could get to know some gaze to better understand me. That's
who my mom was. She loved first. She never judged. I never,
once in my life have felt judgment for my mom. Only love.
There's no one my mom couldn't love, and there was no one my mom
wouldn't love. I'd like to end by bearing my mom's testimony for her,
since she can't do it for herself now. If she was standing right here
right now, she would say, I know that Heavenly Father lives, and
that Jesus gave his life to the weak and all returned to live with him
again. And I know the Church is true. I'm grateful for the restored
Gospel that teaches us that families are forever. I'm grateful for all the missionaries
in the world who are sharing the gospel. Reading the scriptures and going to
the temple helps me feel closer to my heavenly Father. I'm so grateful for
everything I have been blessed with and I love every single one of you in
the name of Jesus Christ. Amen. Yeah, so that's that was it.
Yeah, it still just kind of gets me to listen to it.
I don't know, I just what are you feeling over there, Kirsten?
Well, I mean just sorry, look at me crying like I never do
that. Anyone who knows me knows I cry over everything. But I was
just really sweet, and it makes me think about sorry. And I don't
know if you can hear that. I'm unrolling toilet paper and ripping it off
and dabbing my eyes. I mean, the first thing I was thinking was
I wish I knew your mom. I wish I had known her, you
know. I met her briefly, Yeah, for a second. She was
so happy and cute. And I remember when we were moving stuff out of
their house for them to go into assisted living, so many neighbors drop by,
yeah, and kept talking about cookies and are they okay? And what's
going on and you know, and stuff and please tell Dixie which And by
the way, I love the name Dixie, for she would have given herself
that name. It's just it's a happy enjoys I don't know. It was
just cute to see all the neighbors dropping by and the little kids. There
were so many little ones, yeah, that kept coming by and being like,
what's going on? Like all these lesbians moving a whole bunch of shit
out Dixie. Right, I'm like, oh, hi, little ones,
because you know, I turned into Mary Poppins every time. But their parents
were with them and they were asking after your parents. Yeah, I wish
I had known your dad too. It sounds like he was a good grandpa
or I mean, he is a good grandpa. Obviously now he's in a
different space, but I wish I had gotten to know him too. I
know he's been difficult, but it sounds like when they were together and they're
sweet, minds were intact, they were really really good and people loved them
and I don't know, and then at the end, dude, I gotta
say this shit right now. You're so brave. Thank you. You said
that in a Mormon chapel. I'm gay. Yeah, I sure did.
Yeah, are you planning to say that? It's yes and no. It's
one of those things where you think about and you're like, but I don't
know if I will like, we'll see right, well, like we're gonna
read the room or whatever, right, And I remember it just felt like
it's it's like because of who I am being gay and the way that my
mom handled it, like this was my story that I owned that only I
knew about how how fucking badass my mom was and how much she loved.
No one else had that story, you know, I don't know's it's ah,
how do I put this? It's like, so there's people who were
good and kind and awesome and wonderful and they're amazing and I love that and
that's great, Okay. My mom is one of those people. My mom
is also one of those people who will love through the difficult things that they're
not necessarily supposed to love through, you know what I mean. Yeah,
like those of you who aren't sure about this, Mormon teachings now are like,
yeah, you know, love the gays, but don't let them make
you gay it. But it used to be, you know, in the
kind of like in the years when I was coming out, it was you
just weren't accepted, you know. And this is only six years ago.
When I came out six seven years ago, and so but what my mom
would have heard her whole life about the gays was how horrible and it could
wicked and evil and and you know how they're choosing to sin and then and
they're destroying the traditional family. And so she went through all of that training
and brainwashing. But because my mom's heart is so pure and beautiful. When
I came out of the closet and my dad was like, Oh, as
long as you don't act on your feelings, blah blah, I'm like he's
doing. He's like, you know, the hardline of the church. And
my mom is like finding an LGBTQ plus group to join, to meet some
gaze And it craped me up because she told me she's like, I'm meeting
some gays meeting. I'm like, oh my god, Rose. I mean
they say this is so cute. Oh yeah, well she's roseantics she is
she is. So I don't know. I just felt like it was almost
my responsibility to share that story because it's so I don't know, like my
brothers could never share that story. They don't have that story. They don't
have that the gay thing. I don't know. I don't know how to
say this right. That is one of the biggest things that's ever happened in
your life. And same for me. When I came out to my parents,
I was like I'd come out to a lot of people. Yeah.
My mom was like, Kirsten, do you have something you'd like to tell
me? It was over the fuck. It was over the phone. It
was like and she's like, Kirsten. She literally said this, Kirsten,
come out with it. Oh she knew. Oh, Doc Gatar was on
point for sure. But but that was a moment in my life that was
like, that was a life event for me absolutely, just like like having
a child, having a breakup, you don't forget that shit, having a
death, yeah, getting married yep, coming out to your mom, yeah,
coming out to your dad, Yeah, it is so important and so
full of whatever it's going to be absolutely gosh. And I love that your
mom was like I'm going to go meet some gays. Yeah, so her
and yeah, and again it's like my mom was so kind and giving in
every single way, and she was kind of giving in a way that like
kind of bucked the system. You know. Yeah, well she's your mom.
She's my fucking mom, right, and is your mama? Yes?
Yes? And I felt in the moment when I decided like, yeah,
I'm going to say this, it was like I can't not share this.
No, this is too big, this is too much who my mom is.
Yes, right, oh, oh I'm sorry. I thought you meant
about coming out. Yeah, sharing that story at the funeral. Yes,
yes, I love that you did that. You know what, this fucking
world needs to hear about the gays. We're out here. Just we ain't
going nowhere bitches. No, yeah, we're just getting gay or no,
I'm just kidding. Bet that thing like it's like either are you aren't pregnant?
I don't know, I don't know. You know, I'm glad that
I did. We too tell that story for a numerous reasons, but one
of them is after the funeral, so many people came up to me in
a way that I know they wouldn't have come up to me had I not
told that story. And it was it was hugs of people that I'm not
sure I knew, And thank you so much for what you shared, for
what you shared. Yes, and my brother spoke to and people like shook
his hand and was like that was a nice talk. But it was different
yes with me, because I know that there are so many current LDS people
out there who either are gay or have children who are, and are like,
oh my god, well how do I what do I believe this?
And how do I whatever that? And yeah, I would have I would
have missed the opportunity to share something so beautiful about my mom had I been
afraid to say that. So I fucking said it. I'm so like not
that. You know, I hate it when people say I'm so proud of
you, because but I am so impressed and inspired and relieved, believed,
relieved because people need to talk about this, and you know, you did
it in a way where people aren't going to clutch their pearls and have a
cow and if they do, they can actually fuck off, right, But
you bringing that in that's inspiring and it's so important and I am relieved because
this world needs to fucking get with it. Thank you. And your mom
got with it. She got she oldest fuck got with that. She because
she loved me. You know this is I love it. So I this
is touchy going forward with the podcast. I don't want to told myself,
I don't really want to talk about me and Mary type stuff, but there
is something I want to say and by the end of our time together.
And this wasn't It's not about the breakup. This is just kind of our
differing opinions. She didn't agree a lot with some of the things that I
did concerning the church. For example, she did not want to approve of,
like whatever, of me burying my mom's testimony for her. Didn't think
I should have done the veil, didn't think I should have, you know,
even spoken spoke. I shouldn't have. I shouldn't have given a talk
at the funeral. Yeah, and every you know, Mary has every right
to that opinion, absolutely, I think though talking with you about it since
hereson, since you are also ex Mormon, and you also have people still
in the church, Like I just feel really strongly that there are people still
in the church. They are stuck for one reason or another, whether they
somehow still believe that bullshit, or there's pressure, whatever it is, they're
stuck and they are gay or trans or whatever, or they have family who
is this way. And so for me to be able to use my life
experiences and who I am and put that out there in a fucking creepy Mormon
church with all the weird shit that a lot of people would say, why
would you even go in there? You hate that, you hate everything about
it, Why would you and go to the fucking funeral? Like, well,
I don't think anyone would say that, not out loud, you know.
I do know people who would never step in foot into it a and
that's okay, and that's on and that's that's your story. Yeah, yeah,
whatever. Everyone's experience is different. Absolutely. For me, I feel
like still participating in things in a way that is comfortable for me, and
even if it's a little uncomfortable for me whatever, Well, yeah, if
I can see myself. First of all, it was your mother's funeral,
thank you. Second fall, it was going into a Mormon church of course,
that's where your mother had her course. And I wasn't going to boycott
that Shit's gonna happen with my mom too. Yeah, probably most of our
listeners. That shit either has happened or will happen, will happen, and
talking about it is awesome. And had I shied away from the veil part,
you know, I was. I is told by some people that why
would you even want to be there? If if and take part in these
horrible rituals, and I that wasn't my focus. My focus was being there
for my mother and dressing her and dressing her and that and that respect.
I mean, obviously it's all stupid bullshit. It is all stupid bullshit.
Of course it didn't matter to her. Yes, and you, as you
said in your talks, were her favorite. Absolutely was her favor. You're
a woman. I want a woman dressing me. Yeah. Yeah, well
actually I just want to be put into the incenter, I know, taking
all my clothes up slowly gently with music playing in the back, kidding.
Oh god, that handles. Oh your dad has stopped fucking ache kres ten
you that's it. You're never coming back on the show started. You're right,
I know you are correct Callum's humor. Any I know I was thinking
I was thinking too about me burying my mom's testimony for her. And again
this was something that Mary and I kind of butted heads about a lot.
Again, she has her opinion and that's awesome, and I have my opinion.
That's awesome. Yeah, of course I don't fault anything there. I'm
just I'm kind of pointing out, like a clear different way of seeing things,
and not everyone sees everything the same way, and that's that's healthy,
actually, for not everyone to see everything the same way. For me to
have done everything that I did in the funeral for my mom, dressing her
that was for her. It wasn't for the church. It was for her
because I knew she would want that, like having me be the one to
place the veil. And by the way, I did not place the veil
over her face. They said I could put on the sides of her face,
and I fucking chose that in a heartbeat, Thank God. Right,
All these things that I wasn't supposed to be allowed to do, but I
did them anyway for my mom. In my mind, I'm like, if
I'm doing all these things for my mom, why would I not do the
last thing for her and bear her testimony? Oh? I would you know?
Oh yeah, I mean yeah, the testimony thing. Whow that is
hard for sure. I bet those words coming out of your mouth where like
they feel very weird. Gig yes God, and listen to me say that,
And I bet you listeners are like what the fuck listening to me say
them again? It's kind of like jarring because I did used to say those
things when I believed them, and now I know it's bullshit. And now
I'm saying them again and it sounds word coming from my mouth. But again,
it's like this was an act for my mom, and I made it
clear these are my mom's words for my mom. And I'm sure a lot
of people aren't going to agree with that, and I honestly would love to
hear opinions on that because there's a lot of different opinions right right in.
Seriously, this is a good conversation to have because they want to give that
email if I can think of it, well, we can put that in
the show notes. Sorry, I'm still getting my my mind wrapped around the
fact that I'm doing this podcast still, which I love that I am.
And again, Kirsten, thank you for helping me out on this first one.
Out the door. You're welcome, sister. Thanks sister. Oh god,
I'm kidding. Oh. I was gonna also apologize. I shouldn't preapologized,
but when I first started the audio recording of me speaking like there was
like one measure of some random Mormon song dude hearing organ inside of a Mormon
church. I don't care how long you've been out of the church. That
shit will send ugly shivers, like, eh, God, I'm in a
church, right did you feel that when you heard it? You're like,
oh, I'm in a church right now. Yeahah, and trigger warned for
sure. My wife is a pianist. And when it comes to funerals sometimes
you know, just depending on who it is, you know, very close
people like her best friend, Aaron's husband, his mom passed away. Okay,
Aaron was going to and did sing at the funeral and Anne accompanied her.
But Anne also played all of the music on the organ, and she
was like, I haven't played the organ for a while. I'm like,
that's right, bitch, you've been playing my never mind, but playing your
organ. But it was just but it was so interesting, like how that
sounds. Of course Anne mastered it and it was gorgeous and amazing. But
yeah, I just went to the funeral of one of my oldest friends from
childhood, her mom, Bonnie past that woman took us to dance classes,
picture us up from school, all of these things. And I'm like,
okay, I'm going to another Mormon funeral. Here we go, gide up
and I walked in and of course Oregon and you're like, this is literally
the same thing. Yeah, and then you sing an opening him, then
you sing a closing him. God, they do this everywhere, everywhere,
every time. It's a template. It's really not creative. It's discouraged to
be creative. Actually, we're I'm just gonna have a fucking DJ at my
funeral and there will be no praying and there will be an open bar.
There you go, everyone get drunk, and let's let's talk about Shelley and
what a dang dong she was all ding dong all the time. After after
after my talk, the bishop spoke next, and he was the bishop that
I had, that was the one who said I wasn't allowed to do shit.
And I tuned him out so fast I couldn't even tell you what he
said. It could have been beautiful, it probably wasn't. I tuned him.
It probably was not. I tuned him out, and I was texting
friends and I was on Facebook because I don't I don't want to end that
funeral with that man's voice. It turns into a sermon. He has a
Mormon sermon. Yes, yeah, I don't want that ship like, let's
let's end it on my mom loved the Gates. How about that? Yeah?
That end in my mind, that my drop my podium, that would
have that would have been the way to do it for sure. So we
are and again everyone, thank you for your patience. I'm still feeling figuring
out the timing of all these things. I'm looking at how much time we've
been in. I think we may have to make another commercial break. I
promise that this will run smoothly as we continue on. Yeah, so don't
give up, people, Let's cut to commercial. Yeah, don't puss out.
Yeah, don't do that. All right, We'll be right back,
enter back. Okay, So here's the thing. Now is the time that
you Normally I would do patrons, but I'm like, I've been in Utah
for a few days. I'm not prepared. I have nothing. We are
going to not do patrons today, and I apologize for that, but we
will be catching up on that. I wanted to talk just a few more
minutes about the rest of the week that I spent in Utah after the funeral,
because again, as I'm going forward with the podcast on my own,
I feel like a lot of things that I want to talk about is healing.
You know, I've had a lot of years of angry podcast and don't
get me wrong. Shit gets me angry. Still yeah, me too,
of course, right, yeah, absolutely for bullshit. Still, yes,
I know, and there is right yeah, And it's okay to be angry
and listen. Just because I'm kind of healing over some shit and fixing some
relationships, it doesn't mean you have to. It doesn't mean that you're required
to grieving process. Yes, and there are some relationships I have that I
don't want to fix. I'm like, suck it, I don't need this.
But there are some relationships within my family especially that have been healed and
it's fucking awesome. So the rest of the week, a few days,
I guess it was after my mom's funeral, we stayed in this big airban
bead. It was my two brothers. My oldest brother was not invited because
he's an asshole piece of shit, So me, my two brothers and all
of their families and then my oldest brother his children came, and his ex
wife came because she's awesome. Oh, so to have in this group,
it was probably at this point. I mean, none of my kids are
Mormon, and mine kids are the bulk of the family. Only Mark's kids,
if I'm thinking right, are still Mormon. So there's four Mormon kids
out of like nineteen, but all of the grown ups were Mormon except for
me. There was just something so touching and healing and beautiful to watch all
of these cousins hang out, you know, and there's the cousins that went
on missions and they don't swear, and they you know, they they're quote
unquote good Mormon kids. They're faithful, they're faithful. They didn't for a
second make my kids feel anything but loved adored, Like, oh my gosh,
let's hang out, what's the latest whatever game? Like it didn't matter
what anyone believed in that house after the funeral was done. That's how the
kids are these days. Yes, the kids are like soon as all of
you grown ups figure out how to get your shit together and be right.
Seriously, yeah, I mean, and if I'm being honest, I was
a little I don't know if nervous was the word, but I was kind
of wondering, right because my kids, my kids are very not Mormon.
Okay, they dress very not Mormon, they talk very not Mormon. The
younger ones don't even know what, Like you pray before a meal like this
doesn't even dawn on them, which I love, by the way, like
none of this is in their head. The younger ones don't even remember religion,
and then the older ones were kind of raised in it, and they
know that their cousins that are their same age, that they grew up with
in the same city for a while, like they know there's differences there now
word like all the people that we grew up with, yeah, that have
now left the church. But then you go to a funeral of her friend's
mom. Yeah, and you are gonna into a whole bunch of more and
you know, yep what the gig is and you're like, okay, right,
yeah, and that's so. Yeah, and your kids are going through
that too, that's so they and they don't yeah, you know it is.
It's interesting because my older kids they know the Mormon beliefs, and they
know which of their cousins still believe that, and they don't fucking care because
they're Mormon cousins. Don't treat them any differently, And they wouldn't go up
to their Mormon cousins and be like, you know what, you're fucking crazy,
get out of that. There's respect absolutely, and the Mormon cousins when
my kids swear, because they do, and I think it's awesome. Mormon
cousins aren't like ay Man language. It doesn't. No, nobody is judging
anybody. And this makes me so happy for that generation. This says,
this is gen Z. This is the age of all these cousins. Roughly
in the gen Z area. There are a lot of like judgmental ass whole
gen Z Mormon kids. Of course, of course there's going to be.
But for some reason, this my family and I don't know there, I
don't know. I don't know what I'm saying here, except for it was
beautiful to see believers and non believers giving zero shits about who believed what and
hanging out like buds, yes, and just doing fun crazy shit. Yay.
I loved it. Yay, good Yes. And so I'm like,
it's gonna be okay, you know, for me, it's getting okay,
it's getting better. Yes, right, and it is going to be okay,
of course it is. But how sweet for that Yeah, after experience
like here you are, Mom's in a casket, this is permanent, this
is done. Yeah, And then to have that sweet experience with your kids
it was awesome and just be like okay, and like basically you come out
to a whole chapel full of people are yep, from the podium. It
was amazing. With my sleeves pushed up so my tattoos could show. I
noticed. Did you see me pushing them up? No? I just noticed
on the video. What are you gonna do cover your tattoos? No?
Fuck off? No, anyone that can't handle tattoos. No, not at
all, speaking of this isn't speaking of tattoos, but speaking of I guess
desecreating something holy like your is. So my aunt Beverly and if you remember
the funeral part one, she was the woman in the room for when we
were dressing my mom, who was like, Shelley, who would you like
to say the prayer? Which I wasn't expecting. I'm like, holy shit,
this Mormon woman just like like gave me the mic, you know,
which I was. She stepped in. Yeah, that's bitches sticking together.
That's right, that is bitches sticking together. Yep. So she had told
me about something that she had I'd heard about people doing, which was decorating
a casket before it goes into the ground. So Mike and Mark and I
we picked out a white casket for my mom because she would have liked that
and it makes a great canvas. So and I will throw some pictures up
on social media after this episode comes out, seeing and check them out.
But god, I haven't what I haven't seen these pictures? What kind of
a friend are you? When we're done recording, I shall show you the
pictures. Kelly's busy. Listen, life's been a bit. Okay, we're
pulling through. I went to Walmart before the funeral and I bought so many
stickers and glitter glue sticks and a puffy paint and paint markers and whatever I
could find. And after they dedicated this and this is what was kind of
funny to me. So they do the dedicatory prayer at the gravesite and you
have to have the priest to do that, and shit, I'm like,
blah blah blah. He refinished with that. And then I'm like, kids,
grandkids came here. All the grandkids came up, and I passed out
all of this stuff and they blemed my mom's casket out like you wouldn't believe.
Yeah, I'm like, god, this is how Grandma would want it.
Oh, she was dancing in her grave. She was like whoa.
And the kids had so much fun. This was so bonding for the kids
because they were writing down tunny. Yeah. They were like, oh my
gosh, I remember when Grandma said this when she lost her mind, and
it was like some stupid thing like it was just so good. That's so
sweet, Shelley. Yes, that's so cool that you. Okay, well,
I guess we're friends forever. I mean, we already knew that.
But it was beautiful. God, damn it, dude, that is so
thank you. It was You're a good human. This world needs more of
you. Thank you. And now I'm going to figure out how to clone
me. Thank you for finishing my sonnus are we finishing these other sentences?
And sandwiches? God? That's so sweet? Holy shit. Has anyone ever
done that ever? I don't know. My aunt Beverley was just like I
heard of someone doing this once. I'm like, oh my gosh. Yeah,
one would want their casket bedazzled. It would be Dixie. We bedazzled
the ship out of it in like ninety degree weather. It will I'll show
you pictures. If you were, you were sweating and crafting. Damn right,
I'm like grandkids. Hell yeah, and Dixie. My mom she was
all crafty and ship too. I mean she never finished a craft because she
was that type like you. I don't know where from, I don't know.
I don't know why half my kids can't focus on their lives either,
what kid can I know? Yeah, we we the grand kids, blinged
it up and they will not forget that. Now. Having now, after
talking about this, I'm like, my dad's funeral is gonna suck. It's
gonna be a sister. Oh God, please don't ask me to talk at
my dad's funeral. I'll be like, oh, let me tell you about
the time that he bored me to know. I'm just kidding, but it
will never it could never match my grandma or it could never match my mom's
funeral. Ever. Well, and that's not his vibe, No, not
at all. He vibe was like, bedazzle the shit out of my casket.
Yeah, your dad's vibe is more formal, and it's gonna be but
you know, he will do it however he wants it, and I'll yeah,
I'll sleep through it because it'll be boring. I'm just kidding. I'm
not kidding. Actually, I don't know, but it'll be a good excuse
to get all the grandkids together, get in through a party, which is
what we did. Yes, So yeah, the cousins, the believers and
the non believers get together and go nobody cares what we believe. It's your
friends. I know. That's good. How's it going. Yes? I
love seeing all these kids together. They're just the biggest group of dorky,
fun kids. They're just they're amazing. So I am very lucky. And
there you go. And I love that you have that perspective too. It's
taken a while to get that, it really has. There was a lot
of years where it was just anger at anything having to do with Mormonism and
well, and you have to leave it and kind and avoid it and be
like no, I'm standing my ground. I have to. Like, it's
really hard to leave a cult. Oh yeah, yeah, so you have
to create distance. But then you can come back and be like, okay,
dang dongs, like here we are not part of it anymore. But
I love you, yeah, absolutely, And everyone has their own journey and
some people might not ever want to come back to any part of it,
and that's that's fine too. You do what's safe for you. You do
it, what's good for you you. I'm just talking about my my journey,
and this is how it's how it's been, and it's I love that
there's been some healing of relationships and I'll talk about that more in other episodes
because I you know, there's a lot of that going on. So yeah,
well shit, I think we did it. Yes, dude, listeners,
thank you for being patient. If you've been rolling your eyes whatever,
sorry, not sorry. This is where we're at and it's gonna We're just
gonna keep keep at it and hey things and yes, stop apologizing. Oh
you're right. People fucking love you. Oh it has been hard for me
to make this decision to do this on my own. Serious me too,
proud of scared to death, but don't be scared. People love you,
don't apologize. Yeah you know what? Yeah? Not sorry? Not sorry?
No sorry? Man? How do we end this? How does it
usually end? We have to thank Dan? Thanks for leaving it in,
Dan, Thanks to Dan, Thanks also for cutting things out because we have
prottled on. I guess we'll see you next time. And until then,
steer clear of colts, Steer clear of colts and also, everyone, we
have to finish it. Steer clear of colts because they are no joke.
They are no joke. Okay, now what do you want to say.
I want to say, take your right hand, okay, bend to the
waist and slap your ass for me, big slap. We had an ass
slap in good time. We have had an ass slap in good time.
But I want everyone to slap their own asses. Okay, do it?
Okay, done it? Yeah, slap it? Did you do it?
Slap your ass, gamer, slap your ass. Oh my gosh. It's
almost like the Mickey Mouse Club where they call it the name of the of
the My wife, Ann slap your ass and I'll do it for you later.
Okay, lonely, old jolly, you'll just go to bed lonely tonight.
So that's awesome. Thank you all right, y'all again, thanks for
listening. We love you, and bye bye h