A Foreign Office Romance by Arthur Conan Doyle. There are many folk anew Alfonse
Laqueur in his old age, from about the time of the Revolution of forty
eight until he died in the second year of the Crimean War, he was
always to be found in the same corner of the Cafe de Provence at the
end of the Rue Saint Rorey, coming down about nine in the evening,
and going when he could find no one to talk with. It took some
self restraint to listen to the old diplomatist, for his stories were beyond all
belief, and yet he was quick at detecting the shadow of a smile or
the slightest little raising of the eyebrows. Then his huge rounded back would straighten
itself, his bulldog chin would project, and his ars would bur like a
kettle drum. When he got as far as ah monsieur rite er vulnem mikroie
pabunc, it was quite time to remember that you had a ticket for the
opera. There was his story of Talleyrand and the Five oyster shells, and
there was his utterly absurd account of Napoleon's second visit to a Jacquio. Then
there was that most circumstantial romance, which he never ventured upon until his second
bottle had been on cork of the Emperor's escape from Saint Helena. How he
lived for a whole year in Philadelphia, while Count Ebert de Berkhan, who
was his living image, personated him at Longwood. But of all his stories
there was none which was more notorious than that of the Koran and the Foreign
Office Messenger. And yet when Monsieur Otto's memoirs were written, it was found
that there really was some foundation for old Lequeur's incredible statement. You must know,
Monsieur. He would say that I left Egypt after Clabert's assassination. I
would gladly have stayed on, for I was engaged in a translation of the
Koran, and between ourselves, I had thoughts at the time of embracing Mahometanism,
for I was deeply struck by the wisdom of their views about marriage.
They had made an incredible mistake, however, upon the subject of wine,
and this was what the Mufti who attempted to convert me, could never get
over. Then, when Old Clabert died and Menu came to the top,
I felt that it was time for me to go. It's not for me
to speak of my own capabilities, Monsieur, but you will really understand that
the man does not care to be ridden by the mule. I carried my
koren and my papers to London, where Monsieur Otto had been sent by the
First Council to arrange a treaty of peace, for both nations were very weary
of the war, which had already lasted ten years. Here I was most
useful to Monsieur Otto an account of my knowledge of English tongue, and also,
if I may say so, on account of my natural capacity. They
were happy days during which I lived in the square of Bloomsbergy. The climate
of Monsieur's country, as it must be confessed, detestable. But then what
would you have. Flowers grow best in the rain. One has but to
point to the Monsieur's fellow country women to prove it well. Monsieur Ratto,
our ambassador, was kept terribly busy over that treaty, and all of his
staff were worked to death. We had not Pitt to deal with, which
was perhaps as well for us. He was a terrible man, that Pitt.
And wherever half a dozen enemies of France were plotting together. There was
a sharp pointed nose right in the middle of them. The nation, however,
had been thoughtful enough to put him out of office, and we had
to do with Monsieur Addington. But my Lord Hawkesbury was the Foreign Minister,
and it was with him that we were obliged to do our bargaining. You
can understand that it was no child's play. After ten years of war,
each nation had got hold of a great deal which had belonged to the other
or to the other's allies. What was to be given back and what was
to be kept? Is this island worth that peninsula? If we do this
at Venice, will you do that at Sierra Leone? If we give up
Egypt to the Sultan? Will you restore the cape of good Hope which you
have taken from our allies, the Dutch. So we wrangled and wrestled,
and I have seen Monsieur Otto come back to the embassy so exhausted that his
secretary and I had to help him from carriage to his sofa. But at
last things adjusted themselves, and the night came round when the treaty was to
be finally signed. Now you must know that one great card which we held,
the one great card, and which we played, played, played at
every point of the game, was that we had Egypt. The English were
very nervous about our being there. It gave us a foot on each end
of the Mediterranean, you say, and they were not sure that that wonderful
little Napoleon of ours might not make it the base of an advance against India.
So whenever Lord Hawkesbury proposed to retain anything, we had only to reply,
in that case, of course, we cannot consent to evacuate Egypt.
And in this way we quickly brought him to reason. It was by the
help of Egypt that we gained terms that were remarkably favorable, and especially that
we caused the English to consent to give up the Cape of Good Hope.
We did not wish your people, monsieur, to have any foothold in South
Africa. For history has taught us that the British foothold of one half century
is the British Empire the net. It is not your army or your navy
against which we have to guard, but it is your terrible younger son and
your man in search of a career, When we friends have at possession across
the seas. We like to sit in Paris and to felicitate ourselves upon it.
With you, it is different. You take your wives and your children,
and you run away to see what kind of a place this may be.
And after that we might as well try to take that old square of
Bloomsbury away from you. But well, it was upon the first of October
that the treaty was finally to be signed. In the morning I was congratulating
monsieur Otto upon the happy conclusion of his labors. He was a little pale
shrimp of a man, very quick and nervous, and he was so delighted
now at his own success that he could not sit still, but ran about
the room, chattering and laughing, while I sat on a cushion in the
corner, as I had learned to do in the East. Suddenly in came
a messenger with a letter which had been forwarded from Paris. Monsieur Otto cast
his eyes upon it, and then, without a word, his knees gave
way, and he fell senseless upon the floor. I ran to him,
as did the courier, and between us we carried him to the sofa.
He might have been dead from his appearance, but I could steal Phila's heart
thrilling beneath my palm. What is this, then, I asked, I
I do not know, answered the messenger. Monsieur Talian told me to hurry
as never man hurried before, and to put this letter into the hands of
Monsieur Otto. I was in Paris at mid day yesterday. I know that
I am to blame, but I could not help glancing at the letter,
picking it out of the senseless hand of Monsieur Otto. My god, the
thunderbolt that it was, I did not faint, but I sat down beside
my chief and I burst into tears. It was but a few words,
but they told us that Egypt had been evacuated by our troops a month before.
All our treaty was undone. Then in the one consideration which had induced
our enemies to give us good terms and vanished in twelve hours, it would
not have mattered. But now the treaty was not yet signed. We should
have to give up the cape. We should have to let England have Malta.
Now that Egypt was gone. We had nothing to offer in exchange.
Ah, But we are not so easily beaten we frenchmen. You English misjudge
us when you think that because we show emotions which you conceal, that we
are therefore of a weak and womanly nature. You cannot read your histories and
believe that. Monsieur Otto recovered his sense presently, and we took counsel.
What we should do? It is useless to go on, Alphonse said,
he this Englishman will laugh at me when I ask him to sign courage,
I cried, and then a sudden thought came into my head. How do
we know that the English will have news of this? Perhaps they may sign
the treaty before they know of it. Monsieur Otto sprang from the sofa and
flung himself into my arms. Del Fonse, he cried, you have saved
me. Why should they know about it? Our news has come from Toulon
to Paris and then straight to London. Theirs will come by sea through the
straits of Gibral. At this moment it is unlikely that anyone in Paris knows
of it, save only Talyland on the First Council. If we keep our
secret, we may still get our treaty sign ah, Monsieur, you can
imagine the horrible uncertainty in which we spent the day. Never, never shall
I forget those slow hours during which we sat together, starting at every distant
shout, lest it should be the first sign of the rejoicing which this news
would cause. In London, Monsieur Otto passed from youth to age in a
day. As for me, I find it easier to go out and meet
danger than to wait for it. I set forth Therefore, toward evening I
wandered here and wandered there. I was in the fencing rooms of Monsieur Angelo,
and in the cell on the box of Monsieur Jackson, and in the
club of Brooks, and in the lobby of the Chamber of Deputies. But
nowhere did I hear any news. Still, it was possible that my Lord
Hawkesbury had received it himself, just as we had. He lived in Harley
Street, and there it was that the treaty was to be finally signed.
That night, at eight I entreated Monsieur to drink two glasses of Burgundy before
he went, for I feared lest his haggard face and trembling hands should arouse
suspicion in the English minister. Well, we went round together in one of
the embassy's carriages. About half past seven, Monsieur Otto went in alone,
but presently on excuse of getting his portfolio. He came out again, with
his cheeks flushed with joy, to tell me that all was well. He
knows nothing, he whispered. Ah, if the next half hour were over,
give me a sign when it is settled, said I. For what
reason? Because until then no messenger shall interrupt you. I give you my
promise. I alphonse la caire. He clasped my hands in both of his.
I shall make an excuse to move one of the candles on to the
table in the window, said he, and hurried into the house, whilst
I was left waiting beside the carriage. Well, if we could but secure
ourselves from interruption for a single half hour, the day would be our own.
I had hardly begun to form my plans when I saw the lights of
a carriage coming swiftly from the direction of Oxford STREETA. Oh, if it
should be the messenger, what could I do? I was prepared to kill
him, Yes, even to kill him, rather than at this last moment
allow our work to be Undone thousands die to make a glorious war Why should
not one die to make a glorious peace? What though they hurried me to
the scaffold, I should have sacrificed myself in my country. I had a
little curved turkish knife strapped to my waist. My hand was on the hilt
of it. When the carriage which had alarmed me so rattled safely past me.
But another might come. I must be prepared, above all, I
must not compromise the embassy. I ordered our carriage to move on, and
I engaged what you call a Hackney coach. Then I spoke to the driver
and gave him a guinea. He understood that it was a special service.
You shall have another guinea if you do what you are told, said I.
Oh art Master, said he, and turned his slow eyes upon me,
without a trace of excitement of curiosity. If I enter your coach with
another gin, you will drive up and down Harley Street and take no orders
from any one but me. When I get out, you will carry the
other gentleman to Wakyer's Club in Bruton Street. Or Master, said he again.
So I stood outside my Lord Hawkesbury's house, and you can think how
often my eyes went up to that window in the help of seeing the candle
twinkle in it. Five minutes passed and another five. Oh, how slowly
they crept along. It was a true October night, raw and cold,
with a white fog crawling over the wet, shining cobblestones and blurring the dim
oil lamps. I could not see fifty paces in either direction, but my
ears were straining, straining to catch the rattle of hoofs or the rumble of
wheels. It's not a cheering place, monsieur, this street of Harley,
even upon a sunny day. The houses are solid and very respectable over yonder,
but there is nothing of the feminine about them. It's a city to
be inhabited by males. But on that raw night, amid the damp and
the fog, with the anxiety gnawing at my heart, it seemed the saddest,
weariest spot in the whole wide world. I paced up and down,
slapping my hands to keep them warm, and still straining my ears. And
then suddenly, out of the dull hum of the traffic down in Oxford Street,
I heard a sound detach itself and grow louder and louder, and clearer
and clearer with every instant until two yellow lights came flashing through the fog,
and a light cabriolet whirled up to the door of the Foreign Minister. It
had not stopped before a young fellow sprang out of it and hurried to the
steps, while the driver turned his horse and rattled off into the fog once
more. Ah, it is in the moment of action that I am best,
Monsieur. You, who only see me when I am drinking my wine
in the Cafe de Pravens, cannot conceive the heights to which I rise.
At that moment, when I knew that the fruit of a ten years wore
at stake, I was magnificent. It was the last French campaign, and
I the general and army in one Sir, said I, touching him upon
the arm Are you the messenger fort Hawksberry, Yes, said he, I've
been waiting for you half an hour. You to follow me at once.
He is with the French ambassador. I spoke with such assurance that he never
hesitated for an instant When he entered the Hackney coach and I followed him in
my heart gave such a thrill of joy that I could hardly keep from shouting
aloud. He was a poor little creature, this Foreign Office messenger not much
bigger than Monsieur Ratteau. And I, Monsieur can see my hands now and
imagine what they were like when I was seven and twenty years of age.
Well, now that I had him in my coach, the question was what
I should do with him. I did not wish to hurt him if I
could help it. This is pressing business, said he. I have a
dispatch which I must deliver instantly. Our coach had rattled down Harley Street,
but now in accordance with my instruction, had turned and began to go up
again. Hello, Hello, he cried, what's this? What? Then?
I asked, we are driving back. Where is Lord Hawkesbury? We
shall see him presently. Let me out, Let me out, he shouted,
There some trickery in this coachman stopped the coach. Let me out,
I say, I dashed him back into his seat. As he tried to
turn the handle of the door, he roared for help. I clapped my
palm across his mouth. He made his teeth meet through the side of it.
I seized his own cravat and bounded over his lips. He still mumbled
and gurgled, but the noise was covered by the rattle of our wheels.
We were passing the minister's house, and there was no candle in the window.
The messenger sat quiet for a little and I could see the glint of
his eyes as he stared at me through the gloom. He was partly stunned,
I think, by the force with which I had hurled him into his
seat, and also he was pondering, perhaps what he should do next.
Presently he got his mouth partly free from the cravat. You can have my
watch and my purse if you will let me go, said he. Sir
said, I I am as honorable a man as you are yourself. Who
are you? Then? My name is of no importance? What do you
What do you want with me? It? It is a bet, a
bet? But what do you mean? And you understand that I'm on the
government service and that you will see the inside of jail, for there that
is the bet. That is the sport, said I. You will find
a poor sport before you finish. He cried, what is this insane bet
of yours? Then I have bet, I answered that I will recite a
chapter of the Koran to the first gentleman whom I should meet in the street.
Well, I don't know what what would me think of it? Save
that my translation was always running in my head. He clutched at the door
handle, and again I had to hurl him back into his seat. How
long will it take, he gasped. It depends on the chapter, I
answered, A short one, then, and let me go. But is
it fair? I argued. When I say a chapter, I do not
mean the shortest chapter, but rather one which should be of average length.
Help, help, help, he squealed, and I was compelled again to
adjust his cravat. A little patient, said I, and will soon be
over. I should like to recite the chapter which would be of most interest
to yourself. Will confess that I am trying to make things as pleasant as
I can for you. He slipped his mouth free again, quick, then
quick he groaned up the chapter of a camel, I suggested, Oh yes,
yes, or that of the fleet's Stagion, Oh yes, yes,
only proceed. We had passed the window and there was no candle. I
settled down to recite the chapter of the Stagion to him. Perhaps you do
not know you Koren? Very well, monsieur, well, I knew it
by heart then, as I know it by heart now. The style is
a little exasperating for anyone who is in a hurry, But then what would
you have. The people in the east are never in a hurry, and
it was written for them. I repeated it all with the dignity and solemnity
which a sacred book demands. And the young Englishman he wriggled and groaned.
When the horses, standing on three feet and placing the tip of their fourth
foot upon the ground, were mustered in front of him in the evening,
he said, I have loved the love of earthly good above the remembrance of
things on high, and have spent the time in viewing these horses. Bring
the horses back to me. And when they were brought back, he began
to cut off their legs. It was at this moment that the young Englishman
sprang at me, My God, how little can I remember the next few
minutes. He was a boxer, this shred of a man he had been
trained to strike. I tried to catch him by the hands back pack.
He came upon my nose and upon my eye. I put down my head
and thrust at him with it. Pack he came from below, But ha
I was too much for him. I hurled myself upon him, and he
had no place where he could escape from my weight. He fell flat upon
the cushions, and I seated myself upon him with such conviction that the wind
flew from him as from a burst bellows. Then I searched to see what
there was with which I could tie him. I drew the strings from my
shoes, and with one I secured his wrists, and with another his ankles.
Then I tied the clovat round his mouth again, so that he could
only lie and glare at me. When I had done all this, and
it stopped the bleeding of my own nose, I looked out of the couch,
and, Ah, monsieur, the very first thing that caught my eyes
was that candle, that dear little candle, glimmering in the window of the
minister. Alone with these two hands, I had retrieved the capitulation of an
army and the loss of a province. Yes, monsieur, what Abercrombie and
five thousand men had done upon the beach of Abukuire was undone by me,
single handed. In a Hackney coach in Harley Street, well, of course,
I had no time to lose, for at any moment Monsieur Otto might
be down. I shouted to my driver, gave him his second guinea,
and allowed him to proceed to Watier's. For myself. I sprang into our
embassy carriage, and a moment later the door of the minister opened. He
had himself escorted Monsieur Otto downstairs, and now so deep was he in talk
that he walked out, bareheaded, as far as the carriage. As I
stood there by the open door, there came the rattle of wheels, and
a man rushed down the pavement, a dispatch of great importance from Alorrd Hawksberry.
He cried, I could see that it was not my messenger, but
a second one. Lord Hawkesbury caught the paper from his hand and read it
by the light of the carriage lamp. His face Monsieur was as white as
this plate. Before he had finished, Monsieur Ratto, he cried, we
have signed this treaty upon a false understanding. Egypt is in our hands.
What what cried Monsieur otter m poseubrus. It is certain it fell to Abercrombie
last month. In that case, said Monsieur Ratto. It is very fortunate
that the treaty is signed. Very fortunate for you, sir, cried my
Lord Hawkesberry, and he turned back to the house. Next day, Monsieur
what they call the Bow Street runners were after me, but they could not
run across salt water, and Alphonse Laqueur was receiving the congratulations of Monsieur Talleyrand
and the First Council. Before ever his pursuers had got as far as Dover,
and of a Foreign Office romance by Arthur Conan Doyle