Hello, my friends, is Emily Kaplan. You might know me as Claudia
from the podcast. I've got some great news for you. Do you know
who Christopher John feather Off is. He's the voice of Rick Walterieri's Bill the
Vampire and Bill of the Dead. The news is he's written his very own
audiobook, which he also performs. It's called The Last of the Giant Fire
Lizards. Check out this synopsis. When her nest is destroyed and her forever
mate slaughtered, zephyr Ignitis, the last of an ancient breed of fire breathing
dragons, gathers together a team of sabertoothed panthers, wooly mammoths, and a
crew of howler monkeys, brandishing swords and stolen weapons, all to hunt down
and scorch the evil wizard he did her wrong. You gotta check it out.
Go to www dot Giant Dashlizards dot com for a free sample, and
then pick it up on audible. Come Mega, Row Dirty, Come he
did again. Join the questing is and charted join the icy basted six Writers
Face Off. Buy a roll of the dice tale Fine Dirty Leaving nothing behind
but fingerprints had a tall tale stealing cart breaking parts with plenty of time to
kill sicybasts ten pisos icy you know the camp be tasty bastards, come on
and join it, enticing bastard. Hey there a Devian's Junior Adventurers and friends.
Welcome back to the dice E Bastards. Episode two brought to you by
Authors and Dragons. I'm Mk Gibson, your host and dungeon master, author
of such books as Villain's Rule, End to Beat the Devil. But today
we are see we're back for the cliffhanger, as the battle was about to
be did in the middle of the castrated rambar and brothel. But before we
get to that, who do we have with us today? Let's start with
Robert Bevan. Hello, friends, my name is Robert Bevan. I played
the role of Duuser the Soorcier, the Sorcier with the mos Uh. In
real life, I write the Conference Creature series of comedy fantas and novels,
the short stories and a lot of fishing those books. Yeah, my name
is Rick QULTERI and I play moog fiheater. In real life. I write
several things, including the tom Bill Bill the Dead, and the recently retitled
High Moon series, starting with the Girl who Punches were Wolves. Go check
it out. Uh. Next up is mister Hayes Drew. How are you
doing well yourself? I'm not bad, sir, I'm not bad. Excellent.
Well, I'm here today playing Kebert the Expedient today centaur who knows people
in a very loose definition of the word people. Uh. In real life,
I am an author of books such as Superpowers and PCs for the Vampire
Accountant and five Minute Sherlock, the latest of which The Felonious Fare is out
on audio now and coming to ebook and print later this summer. Hey,
hi to your friend Emily. Today I'm playing Claudia the Rogue or is she?
In real life? I have a new book out. It's Arsenic and
Alibi's. You can get it from False Staff Books. Hi. There,
it's me Steve Weverell, and i'll you playing Stan Dandiliva, a man just
about to get his team together so he can make terrible decisions in a group
incident of by himself. I thought you're gonna make say, sweet love,
I'm not gonna lie, I thought you. Well, we'll see how the
dice guys give you. In real life, true can know the dice,
So sorry I stepped on you. I also write books. You fuck us?
Carry up, do you, sir? Do you? Oh? No,
now it's getting personal. I'm writing. I'm writing a book right now.
You don't know I'm not. Fuck you? Well tell me about it
then carry on, Gabby, you've got a job today. Come on.
Well fine, When last we left off, stand Daddy Liver woke up with
his bedfellow mister the Sorcerer and the newly reformed cast in the rambar brothel and
fellow. You know he was just I'm also new reformed god. After denying
Georcer his morning pleasure, we cut over to move in to Claudia, who
were down in the basement getting to know one another and pissing in a bucket.
After the dexterous display of weiederhood. Uh, they both stood impressed and
made their way up to what was I wrong? What the dice say?
Guys? Exactly what I say? Take me did not roll for Claudia's whether
her impression of it, but I think it was I stand by that we
got there, you guys. Those two made their way up to the from
the cellar into the bar and brothel provided they would beyond their best behavior,
whereupon Stan and Joriser came down and began the interview process. After several classy,
classy acts that they all rejected, they eventually met Cabert the expeding,
the only centaur of the group who actually seems like and the only person actually
seems like to know what the fuck they're doing. Just to test his new
potential team, Stan ordered a little test, a little test where all the
prostitutes of the bar started getting in position, and after the horrors assemble,
the horrors did assemble, which is where we left off, about to roll
initiatives. I just realized, I noticed is going to be a fight,
but you'd be forgiven for thinking it might be something else. That's a very
goot. What positions soft pants? I assumed we would get a ruin?
All right? The turn order is up. All right. Moove gets a
seven collought your all day nine. Cabert gets a twenty Stand and Deliver got
sixteen Georsa. The Sorcerer rolled eleven. All right. First up, Cabert,
Uh to your left or a shirtless young man named too much Ted is
coming at you with a bulge in his pants to your rights green left,
Rosy Cheeks is moving in a position holly down onto the side, is moving
in on Moog, and Molly is moving in on Jeorceer or the Sorcerer.
You were the only one standing out in the open. What would I to
do? I'm gonna I'm gonna go ahead and uh try and resolve this peacefully
as much as I can. I'm gonna open with a sleep spell. Okay.
I thought using it would roll the five D eight. Apparently it did
not. There we go, Okay, so six point I if I can,
I would like to start with the closest too much Ted, assuming I
can put him to sleep? You can? He drops? Okay? Do
I have enough hit points left over to put another person to sleep? You
do not? Okay, that still feels like too much Ted falls down with
an impressive erection sticking up. Apparently not enough Ted even at half Ted.
It's like Jorcer is like, oh my, so okay, I will move
over to Ted for my for some of my movements. Okay, that is
where I will leave things off. Fantastic, all right? Next up is
Stan Dandy liver stand you're in the middle of a scrum. I'll say sorry,
Joe Sorah. Oh yeah, I probably could have told you this was
going to happen, but I'll be blunt. I forgot I arranged it,
and Stan will jump onto the butt echona. Today's Daniel. Give me an
acrobatics roll, mister dandy Liver, just to see how well you jump up
on that bar. Yeah, this goes twenty two for a sprial. Fuck
you kind of flip up there and look pretty good. All right? Is
there a chandelier? You know what? No, don't, that's that Standy's
gonna jump and grab onto the chandelier. Okay, you are hanging and swing
by a chandelier. Ha ha, Thank fuck. There was a chandelier here
that was mostly instinct. Yes, in the old picture there was a low
hanging chandelier, and thanks to all the renovations, it's actually bolted in.
That's all I'm gonna do. Is everyone having fun? Try not to die?
Hah? All right, two squares to my right. Is that one
of the whores? Yes, that is Molly. Molly. Is she looking
hostile? Uh? Mischievous? She's she is advancing on you, and her
her cleavage is like in such a way that just a little bit of exertion,
and here comes the distraction. Oh all right, I know just what
to do. I shall, I shall whisper to her, dissonantally. Okay,
dissonant whispers. She gets a saving through correct Yes, what what is
the save there? It is a wisdom saved, got it? Horse,
won't have a lot of a little bit of wisdom, not much in intelligence,
weather horse. Sorry, I built them like they've got wisdom. They've
got charismaself for college. You don't know. Yeah, starting to feel a
little judgmental. This is okay, listen, I'm not saying high class.
I'm not saying you guys, this is fantasy. Prostitutes on the worst end
of town. Like they're not good prostitutes that they work in the worst end
of town. Now the bar is getting better. Long story short, they
failed the saving throw. They take ten days. If listen is out there,
stands gonna put all these people fruit for college. Okay, that's that's
the of the gay. Don't worry, no angry comments, please. Okay.
She now does the res this and whispers come with anything else like any
other. Actually runs as far as away from me as she can. Okay,
on her turn, got it? Quite wise as a react. How
do we know if that's the spell as a reaction passing a different wisdom check?
Got it all right, So she goes to the other side of the
bar. Next up is unless you have something, you have movement and a
bonus action left, anything you want to do. See, these are these
guys behind the bar. They are Trudy good Night and willdie Pete Season Adventures
and the ones who are keeping the bar rolling at the moment. They are
not enlitched, not engaged. Okay, cool, I'm gonna hop over the
bar and hang with them. Uh, Claudia, you're up, actually,
George gona good A quick athletics role. You are trying to vault a bar
in rows all come on, dick splinters, come on, Dix splinters,
roll along the bar like dumb de luise. Yeah, tries flying, slide
and like just skids to a stop halfway across and has to like wobble flop.
There's a dexterity role. Sorry, no, that's perfectly fine. That's
that's it's acrobatics as what I was looking for, or athletics your your call.
Uh, that's the same role unless you're unless you're skilled and acrobatics.
It's the same role, so a ten perfectly average. It didn't look good.
You kind of clipped your heel a little bit like oh, he kind
of rolled over more than actually vaulted. But you're you're safe and secure with
no damage behind the bar. Oh okay, Claudia, what's up? So
she's facing down Rosy Cheeks? Is that correct? Well you were? You
were kind of yes, Rosie Cheek is moving up on you. Yes,
okay, all right, So she will say, listen, I don't want
to fight you. I'm an ally. I support your wares what you're trying
to do here. I believe you should be practicing your business in the safety
of you know, protection, and don't listen to her Rosie fuck her up.
I waiting for her to like stab her midway. Are you still in
the air? Did you land? Did you swing from the chandelier? Are
you just hanging from the middle? I'm still hanging okay, got it?
Okay, man, But I will slap you if you get near my koala,
which is a bear and not a marsupial in this case, only in
this case it's in a fancy room. It can be a bear must feel
it's fine, give me a persuasion roll a ready or intimidation your call,
whichever you want to do. Oh, no, persuasion, noise. I
would have told the fact that you were choking out a ball while you said
that should have been an intimidation role. I think that would be an intimidation
Well, she's like, I gave her the option. She went with persuasion.
It's really nice for somebody who's choking a bit. It's tough bear enough.
It's cute aggression. Okay, yeah, okay, I definitely have picturing
the bear like still grabbing at her wrists, like fighting for its If I
accidentally kill this bear, I'm gonna look for some helium really quick. Okay,
I need a floating bear balloon. Uh. Following it's now the tours
turn. Following your advice to the letters, Daniel, Rosie Cheeks pivots around
to this side between the bookshelf, waiting just a moment. Holly uses her
bonus action to disengage from Moog and engages with Claudia. At this point,
Rosie Cheeks attacks Claudia with her dagger with advantage. Clodia was already paretically engaged
with the bed well no aggressively, so plus four as a fifteen hit you,
Claudia Arma class fourteen So yes, that hits uh, you take eleven
piercing damage Claudia, okay with that includes a sneak attack. Then she's going
to offhand stab you because she did not use her bonus action. This is
just a normal DT one and she misses. Okay, Holly, sorry dear.
And she's also going to try to stab you because she's engaged with you
at the moment. So let's see. Uh fifteen, So at nineteen hits
and she rolls a D four plus two for three more damage. This is
what you get for patronizing my sex workers, you stupid bitches. I'm trying
to support you. Okay. The dish whispers last for a turn. Correct.
Yeah, as far as I could tell, fantastic. This one is
going to have movement between bonus action and action. Is going to come up
here, use the last bit of their movement to kick too much ted to
wake him up, get a position, and is going to cast poison spray
on stand andy liver. Except in this thing, it is not poison spray.
It is horse spray. Oh no, sou constitution. Yeah it is
rated chlamydia. Uh, please give me a constitution, save DC eleven or
take four chlamydia damage smells like teen horse spirit. Yep, doesn't help.
I've already definitely have chamydia. Okay, right, constitutions saving for her?
Here we go. No, not you on. It's Cabert. Okay,
right if I said stand, that's my mistake. It was supposed to be
Coibert Cabert Constitution saved as turning on me. Oh yeah, you did say.
I apologize for saying Stan. You're up in the air at the moment.
Okay, I'll take. Uh. Cobert gets a fourteen, then you
take. I don't think it's is a half damage on or no damage on
poison spray its because it's cantrip one of those. Uh. Probably it might
be an all or nothing, but I'll double check. I'm looking at it
right now. It doesn't say yeah constitution, It doesn't say anything about half,
so it's an all or nothing thing. You're fine, okay, But
they like this little spray comes out of her hand. You recognize it very
easily, and uh, but does no good. Ted, I'm gonna use
his he woke up, but that's the end of his turn because he I'm
gonna say, you knocked them mouse. He gets nothing this turn. So
ted is conscious from being jostled, awake but immobile. This round move you're
up well, lean casually into the bar, not really sure what's going on.
Then he will look and he will notice his bucket that is just there
for some reason, and he will cast catapult on it and send it flying
into Uh, this person, the back of this person's head. Love it.
There be some damage. Give me a tack roll. She needs to
do a deck saved DC eleven. Deck saved DC eleven, not a problem.
Let me see Dexterity nine fails all right, slammed into the back of
her head for seven. I haven't seen damage to the back of a skull.
Huh, all right, that was casually break So I don't know what's
going on. I throwing this fucking Buckhe hit the back of a skull like
like, go back of her head, her knees, goat. She's not
unconscious yet, but she is not looking bright for this world anymore. Actually,
you might have knocked her a little bit dumber. So all right,
we will just continue. Uh. Just he hasn't even bore a drake well
well done. Trudy looks like she gives you a nod. Well done,
Dari. All right, next up is the Trudy is out of a cub
back on the top of you order. Cabert, oll right, Sorry,
I was going to tie up Tony, so that changes my plans slightly.
All right, Uh, Cabert is going to Misty step okay. Uh so
that's my thirty feet hello, okay, and then uh, I didn't need
to say that. But and then back where I was standing, I passed
summon beast, and I will choose a copy of a bear because I'm not
going to take time to pool things on way it can be. It could
be a copy of a bear. Uh, since its job is to hold
attention, I'll go with a If you really want to with him, you'd
summon a horse. What'd you what'd you say you created? Uh? It's
technically you pick land, air or water for Okay, what you're saying.
Yes, So it's it's a it's a bear, It's a it's a dirt
bear. It's a dirt bear. Got a bear made of dirt and like
sawdust? God? Yes, yes, uh? And it goes right after
me. Fantastic what does this bear do? Uh? It is going to
multi attack. Okay, he gets too and then melee weapon your spell attack
modifier to hit with a five foot reach. Okay, So I roll this
like a you're a wisdom save just quick your wisdom yeah, or not save
just your regular wisdom button. Yeah. Okay, So first roll, we'll
go against this lady Molly. Yes, Molly. Uh, there we go
twenty two. That definitely hits. Second roll seventeen they both hit Molly.
How much damage? Oh no, no, so the second one went to
Tony okay or too much? Ted got it? Okayeah, too much dead
hits them both all right. Then for damage it is one D eight plus
four, So six to Molly got it, five to Ted got it?
All right? Yeah, I think Kaber helps himself to a beer behind the
bar. Love it, Love it? Stan. You're watching this go down,
h so so far you've seen a couple of people jumping up on Claudia.
The only one who hasn't really impressed you so far has been her because
she's held off. But you watch one person fall asleep, create a bear
till a port around George was cast some spells. The move just beat the
bitch with a bucket. It was horrible. It was Yeah, so you're
still hanging up there. Give me, give me just a straight This is
maybe athletics. This is just strength to see because now you're hanging up there
for like six seconds and that's a long time for old man's before you fall
to the ground and go prone. Uh, give me an acrobatics roll to
see if not you pop your hip. That is it's not like you hit
the ground. That is much hotter than I remember it being. That hip
went right down like one and fell into a padded bear ass, which is
good. But I'm gonna ask you to take just one point of fall damage.
But it is it's half your movement to stand back up and all your
dignity to look everybody in the eyes. Everybody is focusing on the back.
See if I have a repair hip spell. Both Trudy good Night and Willie
Pete start applauding, thank you, thank you. Okay, is there anything
you want to do? Uh? Because that was all just for my sake,
my benefit. You're now down on the ground. You're a mid these
people. You have half your movement left. You wid done. Possibly you'd
think that an old man who had just full of from the ceiling wouldn't be
in a position to cast botic inspiration. But you don't know, Standaniela.
That's exactly what he's gonna do. He's gonna cast bartic inspiration on too much.
Ted's not Ted. I realized I didn't ask you to fight to bed
today, and it might be something of a shock, but I think you're
doing rava well. All right? Uh Ted feels good and his erection grows.
That's all I needed for fantastic. Okay, gorcery, you're up all
right? Uh I think everybody could use a hand. So instead of a
you know, attacking one person, I'm going to go for a universal crowd
control spell. Okay, and yeah, I figure, what is the one
thing Horace can't resist? So God, I'm going to cast a minor illusion
over on the corner of the bar behind move Okay, a big giant dick
and ball. Okay, okay. Uh so the spell goes off dick and
balls without a doubt. That's what it does. Minor is also holding a
lot of money. I think you've misunderstood. Hey this, let me misunderstanding
my own terms either standing. Bob calls comedy I'm going to add either persuasion
or performance role. You're called to see, how well, how how enticing
this illusionary cock and balls happens to be performance? What is it? What
is it? Dancing on the table? Performance or persuasion? You know it's
like, yeah, it could be. It could be like, you know,
like that little dancing baby from back in the oleomny pl days. I
don't care. All right, I'm gonna go with persuasion because I'm proficient in
that. Okay, fourteen persuasion. Okay, good to know. Okay,
uh, Claudia, give me a Claudia, you see a dancing dick at
the corner of the thing. You could go after it, or you could
stay with the hores that are beating the shit out of you. Your call,
eh, I've seen bigger. Well, yes, Moog was downstairs peeing
earlier. Will the rosy cheeks person is distracted to your northwest? And Holly
is yourself? No, wait, Holly's the one who got hit in the
head with a bucket, right, Yes, she is barely standing. Yes,
okay, Claudia would like to grab Holly around the next she has Kuala
in one arm. I'm Kerala one arm. Holly in the other. Okay,
so give me an attack roll. This would be an unarmed strike.
Okay, twelve, I think no, Holly Doug Holly dodges it. Let's
see what else I got as a rogue. You can bonus action, disengage
and get out of there. Oh wait a minute, hang on, hang
on, Claudia, do you really want to have her in that headlock?
I was gonna choke her as well. Like, okay, because you have
a special skill that can add on to a role. Remember, yeah,
I've got the cunning action. If you use that, then you will have
Holly and ahead cutting action. Choko, bitch, yes you have that once
you have that one special skill we talked about. Remember you even said I'll
put it on my personal notes so you won't forget it. Did I?
Now she is for good? Yeah, it's the bottom skill and your racial
benefits racial benefit dumb? Is it the knowledge from past life? Yes?
So I'm not your modifier. You can add a whatever role like I think
it's twice a day because you have a plus two your modifier right now to
your to your proficiency bonus. Okay, so so yes, all you need
if you just use that, you will have Holly in a headlock if you'd
like. All right, is fantastic. All right, you've got holl in
a headlock, so give me an athletics or acrobatics roll see how well secured
it? Because now now you guys are okay contested, So twenty twenty one.
Okay, Now she's also going to roll one to try to get out
of it. Twenty one, all right, roll off, do it again.
So eight fourteen you had her on a headlock and she slips it.
Sorry, prutty, fetch some mud. All right. You still have your
bonus action left, all right. So she used your bonus action to disengage
or off hand stab somebody. Well, dang, that seems like I see
I lost a wrestling match. Oh well stab, yeah, she will,
she will absolutely stab. Just poor sportsmanship, all right? Then? Uh
stabs? Okay, now natural twenty Okay, Holly goes down. It doesn't
matter. Holly falls bleeding like a fountain from her throat. I try to
help you, geez okay, okay, uh you're still standing there your call?
What do you want to do? You still have movement left, But
if you move, Rosie gets a stab you. What if she just goes
to the decaptaination. Well, she's acting. Unfortunately, she's out of actions
right now. Nah, she's just gonna stand there like shaking her head at
the corpse. Uh then that's the end of your turn. Uh, Rosie
says, all right, Stan, it's getting real. I think you learned
everything you need to learn. Rosie runs down, pulls a good berry out
of her pouch and feeds it to Holly, who heals up and does not
die. I was gonna hail Holly. I was also gonna heal HOLLI mooks
the extra chance to kill horr. But but is she is she mad?
Though? Well she was. She was following her boss's orders. Like,
Holly's just glad to not be dead. Uh, Rosie has like, So
she used her movement and she moved down a few feet. Uh use her
action to a bonus action to feed a Holly of think. And she she's
gone defensive in case someone tries to stab her. So she but she's she's
imploring stance. She's like, I think I think your test is over.
I think you got I think you see what they can do. Clap his
hands. Well it's not your turn yet. I have two more horse.
Oh no, we're gonna have to kill the This is what were gonna say.
No, funk that, let's do this. Well, too much Ted
gots mulled by a bear and he's got inspiration, so he is going to
attack this this dirt bear. Let me see dirt bear. Oh, gibbie,
I do want to know. I don't think it's gonna matter in the
long run, but I misunderstood how somemon beast works. I don't have no
multy attack yet. Okay, but it was a good day. You had
a good day, cat bear, and we'll learn we're all. These are
growing lessons, like much too much Ted who rolled a natural twenty and instead
of using a knife, he swings around and beats the bear of the back
of the head with his erect penis and h b bla ba ba. Let's
call this bludgeting damage with a natural twenty and it's engaged. So I think
too much Ted is now my favorite NBC right, too much, No,
he knows how to use it. So nine damage to the bear, Well,
it's he gets an It was a natural twenty to get some more damage,
so yeah, that's right. And because it's sneak attack, take away
the second sneak attack, so it's nine to eleven twelve damage to the bear.
Bear didn't see that. Well, hopefully I can call the bear off.
I mean, these things are sentient, so good luck. Also,
is it is it actually a bear? Because I gave it a bear stats
of thirty. I don't know how much any hit points your spell actually gives
the bear. That's what I know. I I corrected the hit points and
everything and has thirty hit points because it's a land true, the bear might
want to leave really hit this point. Now it's Molly's turn to uh stab
because she's also there and the bear still engage with him, so she also
gets an attack twenty three also hits, and she also gets all the damage
because boom, so total damage of another seven to the bear. Alrighty,
so the bear just not beating over the head with a with a with a
Shirley like dick and stabbed. Can't tell you how glad I am I teleport
it away from that, Yeah, exactly, because that's what was kinda He's
gonna do this cool like the the the ken like backwards flying kick but with
his penis on you move, you can say, Stan, you don't need
us. You just have too much ten here. Yeah, seriously, what
what what the fuck are we doing? This move gets your turn? All
right, Moogle cast catapult again? You know, Okay, that's the one
who's on the ground like like sometimes you kick the bucket and sometimes bucket kicks
you. Uh. She is a semi conscious thing. Just give me the
damage just seven. Uh well, and not her back into unconsciousness. Moog,
just for the fun reaction of it, does a twenty four hit you?
Uh? Yes, all right, Trudy good night, reaches over it
flicks you in the back of your eleven ears really really hard. Uh.
She's gonna hit you with a hell of a flake thirteen points of damage to
the back of your head. She's just a hole on dear it. Be
nice, Mooga, being nice. Moog hasn't burned down bar yet, I
said, be nice. Uh, Moog, you still have a bonus action
in your movement, are you good? Yep? All right? Uh Cabert
at the top of your order. You've seen some people calling for ceas of
hostility. You see Moog inciting hostility, and you just saw a bear cock
flog or excuse me, be a man cock flog of bear. What would
you like to do? I will look to the person who seems to be
in charge of this operation. Uha, Trudy, good night, Yes,
reasonable and uh Cabert will cock an eyebrow. Should I keep attacking or should
I heal the server? She kind of gives you the U the ladder like
she slashes her throat with the like. Cut off the violence and start with
the healing. Cun you're getting this like, We're done, all right?
Uh, he will cast healing word on the uh downed. I can't remember
the name of everybody. I can't remember the name of the horse, but
she gets eleven hit points back. All right, well, Holly the prostitute
is feeling much better. Will kip his beer and cheers and enjoy it.
Fantastic, Stanlan will just stop ploading. Well done, everybody. You equally
impressed me with your cunning. He looks at Keba brutality. He looks at
Mook creative cow it is. He looks at Josra and sheer fucking bloody mind
in this with a knife. You will look at sex work is stand down,
rits, well well done, Ted, very impressive. All right,
he checks it looks and he's checking his wang over for bruises like better heel
bites Andnight, I swear to God, I will set you out, my
son. All right, we are clearing the turn order. We are out
of combat except for the fucking bear. Cow bet what happens to the bear?
I'll just stop concentrating on the bear spell? Okay, good to know.
Georgia is still confused as to why his gambit did not work, so
he's making the assumption that all these wares are actually the lesbians giant penis with
a giant illusory vagina. They've got the passive perception. Well, their passive
perceptions were only an eleven, so noticing a bear, well like this one's
dying, her best friend's dying. These were fighting a bear. Unfortunately,
like as Night says, the wang was Now the thing is, the magic
illusion is still going around, and they're kind of now they're gravitating towards it.
Actually, as why I was bringing them down to this part of the
map. Oh you deliberately put it in a mooga. I don't know.
Yeah, all right, Stan will say, well, then everybody shows over
around the shots. I think for a job well done, And then I
think it's time to talk turkey. You want us to kill turkey. Maybe
Trudy like bangs her she summons a warm ball, bangs on the floor.
Tavern's clothes got a fuck away, And so all the people were standing outside.
Jack Human still playing his bagpipes. Not you, Ted Man, so
you work in Uh? Matt Demon wants to know if he's still supposed to
be around for a more janitorial dude. He's like, what about Matt Demon?
Do I do I still you need me to like clean up like with
presidigitation. Be honest, it's Matt Demon. I forgot you were here,
and that's not a good sign off. You go, I'll hang out with
vard Affleck Well, fuck you too, guys. I'm gonna go hunt with
and the rest of the people who never got a chance to ship let their
glories shine, start to leave and go outside of the streets and mill back
around looking at their shitty lives in the town of Galahad. Stand the floor
is yours, address your team. We only have one life, old man
get rolling all right, Drew, do you do you want to say anything
up with cal Beert that He's like, he's just in on the team.
Or are we. Yeah, he's he's here for the job. He's having
a beer. He'll make more good beerries if needed. Yeah, he's pretty,
he's pretty low key. All right. Do you let them know about
your any of your affiliation. You always said he's an honest guy, so
yeah, yeah, yeah, he's very very upfront, right, but up
front. All right? So Stan, you learn quickly that cow Beart is
actually a father Brandon the mage father had he mentioned he wanted a guy on
the team, and caw Bear happens to be that guy. Well, he
doesn't work directly for him, but he is a kind of go between.
I will say to everybody else, I'd love to tell you that I'm in
charge of this operation entirely in a practical sense, maybe, but we are
being bankrolled by a rather dangerous and powerful crime family, of which Keibert here
is the Eyes and Ears off. Now, I'm not really in contention with
this fellow. He wants something, I want something. It happens to be
the same thing he's asked for, a perhaps a little too generous a cut.
But speaking of cut, we're going to a fire off land. We're
going into the unknown. We're going to steal something rather spectacular, and we're
going to do it with panache. And for you there will be a cut
of at least check my Mathia Gibbee five thousand gold each. Does that appeal
to you? Fellows and lady, consider me appealed. Also, it looks
like you're being shut out of a giant bear. Yeah. I look at
the exact same things, Like he's right between the cheeks, and I was
like, I wanted to get to the high rand to make a speech,
but I now realized I do look like a dingleberry on a turds us.
Okay, I'm going to move over here, stand on the bar. This
is a little bit better. Yes, as I'm saying, there will be
getting danger, there will be uncertainty. Dan, give me a dexter dirty
saving throw because you did hurt your hip earlier really badly. Eighteen Okay you
will, you're good, You're good. Uncertain But I run a type ship.
Everything we get along the way, and we will have to scarage and
we will have to be creative in our funding. Everything gets split evenly.
Also, some goes to the crime bus. How do you think about these
terms? Fellows? You seem competent I've known you for five minutes. I'm
a little bit drunk. I think this is going to be fine. On
behalf of Drew. You know, caberts in so he kind of he stops
his hoo's a few times and kind of shrugs and whatever. I've known him
the least amount of time, You psychotic looking elf man. How does suit
you mook have nothing better to do? I mean, if mook sticks around
town will probably just like burn down elf homes get old after a while,
I can imagine we're gonna put that creative energy to a better use. You
bead lady, Oh hi, I probably I thought you weren't talking to me,
but I was gonna show up anyway. See anybody else choking a bear
in here? Also speaking of Claudie to my favorite, give me a quick
perception check. Okay, ten, that bear is dead. You have you
have held him without oxygen for the last I mean combat only last a few
rounds on like twelve seconds, but before that about fifteen minutes of real life.
Just he hasn't breathed. So that is a dead bear that you were
just now lugging around. Obviously, she's still going to keep it Okay,
that's why we could probably stuff it. Oddly enough, it never transformed back,
yes, so never transformed back into the man he claimed to have been.
So he could have been a talking bear, could have been a man.
But he's now your corpse. Do with it as you see fit.
He see now he's permanently gone out for cigarettes. The adventure has barely begun,
and you've already got yourself a free dead bear. I like that.
Apparently do we get to split that even it's been a long day, Jocera.
Let's not complicate things. Let the lady have a bear corpse. Hey,
I'll give you the people. Oh well, that's between that's between the
two you normally under this roof, that sort of thing is negotiated in coin.
But we'll find you your own dead bear, Jocera. Don't you worry.
And speaking of which, Joecera, I understand that do you have a
stake in this mission, perhaps a little bit more intimate than the rest of
VIZ. Yeah, well, we don't need to go into that publicly.
I'm sure you you'll handle that if you want to. I don't care,
As you know, I'm a private man. Well, what can I say?
You handled yourself extremely well, not you, Joseph, That's not what
I mean. Talk to everybody else. Now, Shall I do it again?
Maybe later? I think maybe we have a couple of drinks set off
first thing tomorrow, and I'd love to tell you there are contracts involved in
this sort of thing, but uh, that seems to be of a different
time. I believe if you well, the funny thing is okay, so
happy? Has everybody agreed to go on it? Let me step over your
this stand, but has everybody agreed to go on this adventure? Yes?
Yep, count me in Cabera did so. The moment you all agreed to
it, a brand appears on your ar, on your forearm, a burning
brand that's like an eye with a arcane symbol above it, right in the
middle, on the underside of each of your forearms, like sizzles into place.
Holy shit, I'm on fire again. Nobody panic. Just think of
this as a cool tattoo you got on a bachelor party that you can't quite
remember. That's just our benefact, this way of keeping an eye on things,
making sure we're safe, that sort of thing. And they match.
We're like a cool gang. Yeah, that's true. Part of me,
dear, are you actually going to tell them where they're going, what they're
what they're stealing. I mean, the holes are pretty much heard everything,
so no reason to hide in front of I figured I had loved them up
a little first with some booze, But now that they've got the old tattoo,
I suppose there's no sense keeping any secrets. Gibb me, where are
we going again? I did not, Oh, You're gonna make me go
to my notes. I'm not gonna go to my notes because I fucking have
any son of a bitch. See God damn it now. I I even
wrote all the shit down, and of course I don't have those notes in
front me because I thought my buddy Stan was going to do a good job.
We got to edit this part out. Now I'm leaving this thing.
This is fun. We're going to the isle of filling the Blank to steal
the mcguffin of filling the blank that was the tooth of man in time for
the Festival of Heroes. Yes, uh, Georgia, Yes, indeed,
where the fuck did I put all those thing? Let me tell you after
we pull this one off. It's not just gonna be a casual smashing grab.
I didn't pick you guys just because you were the best fighters in the
room. I could have got Matt Demon for that. I mean, he's
high class, very first le Well, so your horse didn't do too badly.
You look around, You're like, man, these these horses are actually
I already have an army of sex worker assassins. Look at Ted's cock.
That's practically a warhammer. But we're not just hitting for the muscle. I'd
look at you and I see personality. And that's important because my friends,
we're gonna make some stories in our wake. All right, you were.
He fills you into the fact that he was contacted by a fire Jennazi named
Jovann Heidelreich, who offered him on that behalf of his benefactor of Ladies Lajena
to go to the island nation far the south of Straktam, to the land
of Blago Gulch. You will. You will then locate the villa of Ivan
von urslak infiltrate his villa and steal the tooth of Tiamat and return it to
Ladies Lajna deeper inside of Stractum. Before the Festival of Heroes, which is
on the winter so I repeat what the voice in my head just said.
Okay, so we go somewhere and steal teach. Basically, yes, you
look like a toast stealing man to name Moog does have some elk teeth in
pocket. I'm just I'm just curious. The mood's just chilling against the bar
the whole time, next to the whores and the illusory dick. Yeah,
move not care, Okay, fair enough and listen and listen. It looks
like an elf dick georger. That's your call. No, not this time.
I was unaware of that sensitivity. It could be. I don't know.
This seems like something you would have to get right deep into the handbooks
for. I've looked. There's no elf dick pictures. Rosie comes over.
She's like, Boss, do you guys need any kind of special going way
party? Do I gotta call on some more girls and guys before you guys
head out tomorrow? Is this a group thing that you're doing? What's going
on? What do you need now? Uh? Tonight? Maybe last night?
Not on the cold hard road for a little while. So I say,
let's potty. Uh. Trudy stomps her food a few times. She's
like, I agree now what you went down with the bar and you are
leaving it in my care during while you're gone, of course, trade I
trust you implicitly. Willie Pete just fingers what's left of his hat like he
has half a beerd because he was chopped off right beneath the chin, and
Willy fuck you. I blew up the guy who was the worshiper of to
Ragged. Come on, man, I know, but I feel like we
could have just uched him gently after the door. He wasn't very threatening.
He was just a crazy man. It seemed like an overreaction, but well
done. He didn't kill Leoper even though he drip all over their rug.
True, that is true. Yeah, we don't have to incinerate people just
because they're annoying. But you know, I don't see any how I'm done.
Who gives a ship shots? True? These shots? Trudy good Nights
begins lining up shot after shot, off the shot. As the evening rolls
on, Rosy Cheeks calls in more and more of the the working class of
the prostitutes of the Along two Tooth. I swear every single one of you
for a college soon as I get back before you realize it. It is
an R and B video up in the son of a Bitch, with every
piece of flesh that could be, would be, never should be, and
can be on display, up for grabs and up for rent for the remainder
of the nights. So before we sign off for this thing, does anybody
have anything they want to They want to let the audience or me know that
their character is doing. Jorger misses his wife. Uh. As the knight
progresses to and he drinks a lot, Jorseer will cast another minor illusion on
the bar, this time of his wife's disembodied head, and he'll jack off
to it. Fair enough, uh for those who Okay, that's actually brings
me a very good point. Everybody. I assume you do this in public
and you don't care who's standing around. I don't even know it's fair enough.
Most of the team will be up near the bar during that time,
So like everybody to give me a perception check, and uh, let me
know who's standing near Georser while he is pleasuring himself to a los ary version
of his wife's decapitated head. Mu gets a seventeen all right, moog Uh,
I'm gonta say that because you're while you're watching him crank it, and
for some reason you can't look away. Uh, you notice that two things.
One, he has some kind of weird device strapped around the base of
his wang, going around the balls around the base of the wang. Uh.
It's it's studded with gems. It's got some magic on it. And
the magic in the back of your hand is vibrating. The closer you get
to Jorcerer Jorser, the closer moo Jeoryser, the closer that Moog gets to
you, the more the thing around the base of your of your man dangle
starts to vibrate. Does that make me go off prematurely depressed? His buddy
heads? Uh? So everybody else rolled like, yeah, so everybody everybody
sees this, Claudia, you definitely see the the the uh, the choker
around the choker. Uh, that is magical. Blah blah blah. Let
me see Stan, you already know it's there. I'm assumed cad Beert either
sees it or doesn't care. Since he's not here, maybe he gets to
not see this this horror, So lucky for him. Move we've seen cursed
items before. This might be most cursed. Yes, And like I said,
the gem that's in the back of your hand moved vibrates the closer you're
near it, So we'll make it a point to not get closer. Fair
enough good today, I mean stands this oldest guy right and then just quickly
dismisses it is something he doesn't want to think about right now. Uh So
throughout the night there's some more drinking and some more camaraderie. The Horrse apologize
for stabbing you, Claudia. They were following orders. They know that's not
it's necess a good excuse, but you know they need the money and they
need to get through a they need to get exactly you know, they're they're
all working on their marine biology degree, you know. And uh you know
they apologized that, you know, they just had to do what they had
to do. Hopefully you accept their apology. Yeah, it's fine whatever.
Uh Willie Peek still gives you some side eye a little bit. Uh,
he's a is there anything you want to do with him? Are you just
going to steer clear? No? No, well she's interested in the other
half of his beard, but she'll, you know, she'll just pile that
away for a different different day. She is a little distracted by the jewels
around, but she's also following filing that way for it, just Georcer Stanley
jewels. Yeah, I'm just putting into the gem in the back of Georger's
hand is for some reason connected to Georcier's cockering. Good to know, stan
you have a hell of a team, Standley Ah voice, I thought I
drunk you out of you. No, I'm always watching this is this is
a crew you assemble and I will give you that for the rest of you.
Are you see stand talking to himself, just full on having a conversation
with no one there. I don't know what to tell your voice. Sometimes
I just get a good feeling about people. I mean, I was kind
of indifferent for the Keburt, but until I realized he's definitely the guy that
Brandon said, and if Brandon thinks he's up to the task, then he's
probably a lot more capable than he seems, and he have a free I
thought that justin time guy was not order the jack human guy was. I
feel like they were both sort of pricks, and I don't want to bear
out. I felt like they were sort of biting my style. And yeah,
I could see you a little bit of overlap there. Know how to
feel about but everybody knows how I feel about bad. Yes, thank yet
you cast inspiration when you choose. I can't help my robotic heritage, but
I can now keep my prejudices alive. And well, so you've got a
you've got a horse cock, a pervert, a bear woman, and a
bucket chucker. Yeah, I mean goda mind. That man's cool under the
pressure. He sees a problem, he froze a fucking I'm not saying this
is a step up from your last crew, because it clearly is not.
But this is our last this is our last chance, Daniel, What can
I tell you? You know how I feel about the non powerful chaps,
and all of these people look like they come from the gutter, And from
the gutter that's where your best place to see the stars. Again, you
all see he's giving a speech, the whole Star's bit to no one.
He is just talking to that so pretty good, which I wasn't just mumbling
that into my tankard right now? Did anyone hear my fucking speech? I
just made into this pool of vit no move busy watching rich sweaty sorcerer jack
Off. Yeah, that might be might command your attention a little more.
Yeah, makes sense, I too was preoccupied deorcer. Is there anything you
like to like add about your wife's image? Do you want to send her
a message before you go or anything? Are you good? I mean?
Or is this the message? It's not like a telepathy spell. There's no
message sending that I mean. No, I guess uh. When I finally
spray it, ah, you know, it dissolves the illusion, okay,
which you know it's satisfying in itself. Is that like peeing on a year
an okay corde, but with seamen and the illusion of your wife's head.
I thought you like clim acting while dissolving my wife's head. That's right,
ladies and genter professional authors, every one of us. And this is the
kind of quality you could come to a hippy. I tried to leave that
on an inspirational speech. I did I know. I was the foolish one.
I was vamping and filling time, and I uh, you know everybody's
gonna stop listening to this podcast. Go no, my fucking cout No.
They heard the prequels. You know, our diehard. You never know this
might be a new wave of Dungeons and Dragons with a lot more you know
so joking, so you know this is it doesn't matter, you know why
because we've been the Dicey Passards and you all have been awesome. So on
by half of Drew Hayes, Robert Bevan, Steve Weather, Emily Kaplan and
Rick Waalteriery I'm Mk Gibson and you guys have been awesome. Thank you again
for listening to Uh, the Dicey Bastards will be back. We'll be back
next time with episode three. Bye everybody, bye, goodbye friends. Dicey
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