WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:03.960 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I AM six forty, 2 00:00:04.080 --> 00:00:09.439 the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. 3 00:00:09.519 --> 00:00:12.400 You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh 4 00:00:12.400 --> 00:00:16.120 Show. And this is the time in my show where I answer your relationship 5 00:00:16.199 --> 00:00:18.199 questions. If you've got a question, you give us a call. The 6 00:00:18.280 --> 00:00:22.879 number is one eight hundred five two zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred 7 00:00:23.239 --> 00:00:27.239 five two zero one five three four. Member. This isn't therapy. I'm 8 00:00:27.239 --> 00:00:30.120 not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor. But I've written three books on 9 00:00:30.160 --> 00:00:33.840 the science of love, so I'm fascinated to weigh in. Okay, Producer 10 00:00:33.920 --> 00:00:36.320 Kyla, who do we have first? Or roll? Who do we got? 11 00:00:36.640 --> 00:00:38.679 There's somebody there. Hi, It's doctor Wendy. Are you there, 12 00:00:39.399 --> 00:00:41.840 Hi? Can you hear me? Yes? Who's this? Hi? My 13 00:00:41.920 --> 00:00:45.600 name is Roquel, Hi, Raquel. What's your question? Love? Okay? 14 00:00:45.640 --> 00:00:49.200 I have two kids under two, and it's a lot of work. 15 00:00:49.359 --> 00:00:52.520 And you know, my mother in law she's really no help at all. 16 00:00:52.799 --> 00:00:57.960 I feel like she really only cares about my husband and if anything ever happened 17 00:00:57.960 --> 00:01:00.479 to him. I really feel like she wouldn't be there for me and my 18 00:01:00.600 --> 00:01:03.079 children, and I just want to know how I could sprink in that relationship 19 00:01:03.120 --> 00:01:06.319 with her. All right, well, let me ask you this first. 20 00:01:06.319 --> 00:01:10.560 Where's your own mom and your own family in this Well, my mom actually 21 00:01:10.680 --> 00:01:15.000 passed away a couple of years before the kids were born. Yeah, so 22 00:01:15.079 --> 00:01:22.799 I feel like part of your longing for a grandmother in this situation also has 23 00:01:22.840 --> 00:01:26.000 to do with coping with your loss right and feeling like your own mom is 24 00:01:26.040 --> 00:01:30.359 not here for this. And here your children, of course, have a 25 00:01:30.359 --> 00:01:34.200 biological connection to their living grandmother. You would like to have that. You 26 00:01:34.239 --> 00:01:37.480 know, my mom died when I was thirty of breast cancer, and I 27 00:01:37.560 --> 00:01:42.120 remember having little kids and wishing so much that she would be there and that 28 00:01:42.159 --> 00:01:46.640 she could help. And yeah, I also had no mother in law coming 29 00:01:46.680 --> 00:01:49.400 in. I think the person you've got to talk to about this isn't her, 30 00:01:49.640 --> 00:01:56.760 it's him, and find out what her hesitancy is, why she's done, 31 00:01:56.840 --> 00:01:59.799 you know, and maybe she raised him that way, Maybe she just 32 00:02:00.040 --> 00:02:02.640 wasn't a super involved mom in some ways. So I would talk to him 33 00:02:02.680 --> 00:02:06.799 so that the two of you can be a unified front when you go to 34 00:02:06.879 --> 00:02:08.840 her and say the kids need you more and they love you, and do 35 00:02:08.879 --> 00:02:12.919 it in a positive way, not like you're not helping enough, but more 36 00:02:13.000 --> 00:02:15.879 like we love you, we want you in our lives. The kids, 37 00:02:16.000 --> 00:02:20.520 your kids love you, your grandkids love you. But thank you, Raquel. 38 00:02:20.599 --> 00:02:23.479 Look, these are the roughest years, I promise you, but you 39 00:02:23.520 --> 00:02:27.280 will get through it. I just I have PTSD thinking about it. It's 40 00:02:27.360 --> 00:02:30.479 really hard when the kids are a little but it's gonna this. Two will 41 00:02:30.520 --> 00:02:34.039 pass and the days will get easier. And give those kids a hug for 42 00:02:34.159 --> 00:02:37.159 me. Thanks for calling, Raquel. Okay, who do we have next? 43 00:02:37.280 --> 00:02:39.960 We have Kimberly with an update. Oh, okay, Kimberly, what's 44 00:02:39.960 --> 00:02:46.120 your update. It's doctor Wendy. Hi, doctor Wendy. You and Kayla 45 00:02:46.280 --> 00:02:50.199 helps me so much. Two weeks ago, I'm the one that's suffering from 46 00:02:50.280 --> 00:02:53.879 cancer, breath cancer, and I called you during one of my pity I 47 00:02:54.000 --> 00:03:00.919 remember, I remember, Yeah, it was a hard time and I'm doing 48 00:03:01.240 --> 00:03:07.159 really good. I wasn't going to cry. I'm doing really good. I'm 49 00:03:07.199 --> 00:03:12.800 still sleeping about sixteen hours a day. Last week was my first full week 50 00:03:12.919 --> 00:03:19.840 without radiation. And thank you God. But I went and got a haircut 51 00:03:19.960 --> 00:03:23.759 and colored and kind of did a spa day and came home and swept for 52 00:03:23.800 --> 00:03:30.960 three hours. But it's a different kind yeah, yeah, yeah, thank 53 00:03:31.000 --> 00:03:36.400 you for putting up with my pity party that day because it was really horward. 54 00:03:37.120 --> 00:03:43.000 Everybody deserves emotional care, Kimberly. It's knowing you were out there, 55 00:03:43.199 --> 00:03:49.240 even though on cross country because I moved from California to Georgia. Just knowing 56 00:03:49.280 --> 00:03:53.080 that you guys were out there willing the lot to me and I just wanted 57 00:03:53.159 --> 00:03:59.039 to say thank you, and I really really appreciate what you both did well. 58 00:03:59.039 --> 00:04:01.560 We are rooting for you, and just know that your journey ahead is 59 00:04:01.599 --> 00:04:06.240 going to involve good days and bad days, both physically and mentally. And 60 00:04:06.439 --> 00:04:11.840 when you have a day that you're feeling completely down, try to stay in 61 00:04:11.879 --> 00:04:15.160 the space of this isn't going to be forever, this is this day. 62 00:04:15.399 --> 00:04:19.639 I just have to get through this day. There's actually some research that if 63 00:04:19.680 --> 00:04:24.839 people can sort of realize that this two will pass, it can help them 64 00:04:24.920 --> 00:04:27.759 get through it. But we are rooting for you, Kimberly, and we 65 00:04:27.759 --> 00:04:30.519 want you to get well soon. Thank you so much for calling with that 66 00:04:30.639 --> 00:04:32.759 update, I appreciate it. Okay, who do we have next? We 67 00:04:32.920 --> 00:04:39.720 have Andrew with a question. Hi Andrew, it's doctor Wendy. Hi doctor 68 00:04:39.759 --> 00:04:48.879 Wendy. I guess my questions says, it's gotten forced and we're together for 69 00:04:49.240 --> 00:04:58.720 ten years and marriage, five as a kid together. And how old is 70 00:04:58.759 --> 00:05:03.279 your child? Ru he's four. Four. Had gotten addicted to setting all 71 00:05:03.560 --> 00:05:13.079 oh a couple years ago, and so she helped me with everything recovering, 72 00:05:13.519 --> 00:05:17.040 but the recovery has been really tough, and you know, she's gaving me 73 00:05:17.399 --> 00:05:26.800 ultimatums and and so finally it's like it's over. And my question is, 74 00:05:26.959 --> 00:05:30.879 sorry, it's okay. Should I still love her? Like? Should I 75 00:05:30.959 --> 00:05:35.240 still try to like stick around or should I just well move on? You 76 00:05:35.279 --> 00:05:39.240 need to stick around for your child. You have a four year old. 77 00:05:39.600 --> 00:05:44.120 She's divorcing you, but your child is not divorcing you, So I would 78 00:05:44.160 --> 00:05:47.800 focus on that relationship. I would say that there are two things you need 79 00:05:47.839 --> 00:05:53.199 to think about right now. One is your sobriety. One is your ability 80 00:05:53.240 --> 00:06:00.399 to just completely recover from addiction. And number two is to forge a healthy, 81 00:06:00.600 --> 00:06:05.240 good relationship with your child, whether that involves also giving financial support emotional 82 00:06:05.279 --> 00:06:12.279 support, physical support. You have got to think of your child and your 83 00:06:12.319 --> 00:06:15.519 own health, and that's about it. And then we don't know what the 84 00:06:15.519 --> 00:06:17.399 future is going to be with you and her. We don't know what will 85 00:06:17.399 --> 00:06:21.720 happen if you know your child and you have such a good relationship that they 86 00:06:21.800 --> 00:06:25.879 say, oh I want daddy back and that sort of influences things, or 87 00:06:25.920 --> 00:06:29.800 if you stay straight for a very long period of time, whether that changes 88 00:06:29.839 --> 00:06:32.079 you. Your brain is healing right now, and I want you to stay 89 00:06:32.160 --> 00:06:36.560 in any addiction program that you've been in, and you've got a long battle 90 00:06:36.560 --> 00:06:40.600 ahead of you. This is not an easy thing, but take care of 91 00:06:40.600 --> 00:06:44.240 yourself and take care of your child, and I think you can get through 92 00:06:44.240 --> 00:06:46.759 this. Andrew, don't worry about the relationship right now. Thanks so much 93 00:06:46.759 --> 00:06:50.240 for calling. All right, let's go to social media. If you'd like 94 00:06:50.279 --> 00:06:55.199 to call in. The number is one eight hundred five two zero one KFI. 95 00:06:55.800 --> 00:07:00.560 That's one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. Okay. 96 00:07:00.639 --> 00:07:04.240 Let me go into the DMS and see what I have on ig Hi, 97 00:07:04.360 --> 00:07:08.720 Doctor Wendy. I told this new guy that I'm dating that I needed to 98 00:07:08.879 --> 00:07:13.040 self medicate, as in get in nature and have a self care day. 99 00:07:13.399 --> 00:07:16.360 He immediately thought I meant drugs and gave me a lecture about how dangerous drugs 100 00:07:16.360 --> 00:07:21.680 are. Du He made me uneasy that he went there. He had a 101 00:07:21.759 --> 00:07:26.639 very stern and series tone. Why did he think that I meant drugs? 102 00:07:26.879 --> 00:07:30.279 Do you think maybe he has a drug issue or past drug issue? Well, 103 00:07:30.319 --> 00:07:32.839 you're asking me questions like can I read his mind? Here's the thing. 104 00:07:32.879 --> 00:07:39.160 First of all, if you use the word self medicate, that really 105 00:07:39.240 --> 00:07:45.839 does imply that you're using psychopharmaceuticals in some manner, or some pharmaceuticals to pleasure 106 00:07:45.920 --> 00:07:49.040 yourself. So it was your choice of language that was unfortunate. But what 107 00:07:49.199 --> 00:07:53.920 I'm not clear on is why didn't you just interrupt him right away and go, 108 00:07:54.040 --> 00:07:57.560 that's not what I meant. I'm sorry I was misunderstood. Or did 109 00:07:57.560 --> 00:08:00.000 he go on such a tangent that you couldn't even get a word in where 110 00:08:00.279 --> 00:08:03.480 that's a red flag right there. But then the fact that your brain immediately 111 00:08:03.519 --> 00:08:09.360 goes to maybe he has past drug issues, like these are the conversations you 112 00:08:09.399 --> 00:08:13.399 need to be having with him, not asking me to read his mind. 113 00:08:13.000 --> 00:08:18.279 You need to have this conversation. I'm always amazed that people get into relationships 114 00:08:18.279 --> 00:08:24.000 and they're afraid of just basic honesty about themselves. We're all human beings. 115 00:08:24.560 --> 00:08:30.199 Nobody gets out alive, nobody gets out without pain, nobody gets out without 116 00:08:30.279 --> 00:08:37.200 lessons learned, and growing emotional intimacy in a relationship is all about talking about 117 00:08:37.200 --> 00:08:43.759 those tender subjects. Right, But it's very interesting that you didn't interrupt him. 118 00:08:45.120 --> 00:08:48.960 All right, then let me do one more social media before we go 119 00:08:48.000 --> 00:08:54.440 to break Dear doctor Wendy, I take my dating apps very seriously, but 120 00:08:54.519 --> 00:08:58.919 I constantly come across people who just want to hook up. I know I 121 00:08:58.919 --> 00:09:01.480 can find love online, but how can I weed out the people who just 122 00:09:01.559 --> 00:09:05.720 want to waste my time? Well, I want to say this very clearly 123 00:09:05.960 --> 00:09:09.720 because I met my boyfriend on the quote unquote dating apps, and I got 124 00:09:09.759 --> 00:09:16.399 a technique down that was very helpful to me, which is my job wasn't 125 00:09:16.440 --> 00:09:22.759 about finding someone. My job was about eliminating most early on. And so 126 00:09:22.799 --> 00:09:30.200 therefore I would suggest to you that in your profile you're very clear that you're 127 00:09:30.200 --> 00:09:33.519 looking for a long term relationship, and also in some of the early messages 128 00:09:35.039 --> 00:09:37.519 just say you know, I know. Maybe this app has a reputation for 129 00:09:37.559 --> 00:09:41.279 being a hook up app that's not who I am, blah blah blah, 130 00:09:41.320 --> 00:09:46.039 and just see where they go from there. Right. Yes, it is 131 00:09:46.279 --> 00:09:52.440 an endurance test. Yes, plenty of people will waste your time. That's 132 00:09:52.440 --> 00:09:56.480 why I always advised to get on the phone very quickly, because you can 133 00:09:56.519 --> 00:10:01.360 tell more on the phone than wasting weeks and months texting with a stranger. 134 00:10:01.639 --> 00:10:05.720 Okay, so get on the phone, and yeah, it's an endurance test. 135 00:10:05.759 --> 00:10:07.480 But in the end, there's gonna be one person standing and they're going 136 00:10:07.519 --> 00:10:11.480 to be perfect for you. When we come back, I'll continue to answer 137 00:10:11.480 --> 00:10:13.919 your questions on social media or on the phone. The numbers one eight hundred 138 00:10:15.000 --> 00:10:20.720 five two zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred five two zero one five 139 00:10:20.919 --> 00:10:22.720 three four. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Welsh Show on kf I 140 00:10:22.840 --> 00:10:28.200 AM six forty eight live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor 141 00:10:28.240 --> 00:10:35.960 Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I AM six forty. KFI AM six forty 142 00:10:35.000 --> 00:10:39.120 You f Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Welsh Show 143 00:10:39.120 --> 00:10:41.960 and I am answering your relationship questions. Reminder, I'm not a therapist. 144 00:10:43.039 --> 00:10:46.639 I'm a woman with a lot of life experience. I'm a psychology professor, 145 00:10:46.879 --> 00:10:50.080 but I've written three books on relationships. I'm obsessed with the science of love. 146 00:10:50.279 --> 00:10:54.279 If you'd like to call in the numbers one eight hundred five two zero 147 00:10:54.399 --> 00:11:00.840 one kfive. That's one eight hundred five two zero one five three four producer 148 00:11:00.879 --> 00:11:03.799 Kayle. We had someone on the line, and what happened. Tony disappeared. 149 00:11:03.840 --> 00:11:07.080 I don't know what happened, but he did have a question. He 150 00:11:07.159 --> 00:11:13.919 said that his sister Jess got diagnosed with borderline personality to disorder and he wanted 151 00:11:13.919 --> 00:11:18.320 to know if her children should be made aware of this new diagnosis. Well, 152 00:11:18.600 --> 00:11:22.399 now I'm quoting the former director of my kids preschool who used to say 153 00:11:22.759 --> 00:11:28.639 kids know everything anyway, you might as well give them a language and information 154 00:11:28.080 --> 00:11:33.919 in simple terms that they can understand. Like, for instance, she taught 155 00:11:33.960 --> 00:11:37.840 me to tell my kids all about sex at the age of four, but 156 00:11:37.960 --> 00:11:43.840 in very simple terms. So I would say that her therapist should advise her. 157 00:11:43.240 --> 00:11:46.360 It depends on the age of the kids, it depends how it's impacting 158 00:11:46.399 --> 00:11:52.159 her parenting. But the more kids can make sense of what's going on, 159 00:11:52.320 --> 00:11:56.240 I mean they know anyway, Right, they're sponges and they're soaking stuff up. 160 00:11:56.879 --> 00:12:01.440 So I would definitely depend on professionals for advice. Of my instinct is 161 00:12:01.480 --> 00:12:05.879 to say, yes, they should know in age appropriate terms what they need 162 00:12:05.960 --> 00:12:11.159 to know. Okay, let me go to social media. Here's on Instagram. 163 00:12:11.200 --> 00:12:16.360 Hey, doctor Wendy, my celibacy is scaring a lot of dates off. 164 00:12:16.600 --> 00:12:20.240 When should I tell my date that I'm celibate? Well, what's really 165 00:12:20.320 --> 00:12:26.519 interesting about the language here is you use the term I am celibate like it's 166 00:12:26.519 --> 00:12:31.440 a whole identity for you, and not like I've decided to wait until marriage, 167 00:12:31.519 --> 00:12:37.960 or I've decided to wait until you know I've dated somebody for a while, 168 00:12:37.200 --> 00:12:43.679 or what have you to say to somebody, I'm celibate implies I'm not 169 00:12:43.720 --> 00:12:46.080 having sex now or anytime in the future, and of course that's going to 170 00:12:46.159 --> 00:12:52.240 scare somebody off. The thing is, the reasons for you choosing not to 171 00:12:52.360 --> 00:12:58.799 enter in sexual relationships are would be of something I'd be interested in hearing. 172 00:12:58.360 --> 00:13:03.120 If it's for religious reasons, then date people who follow your same religion so 173 00:13:03.159 --> 00:13:07.559 they would respect that. I actually know a woman who's now married with three 174 00:13:07.639 --> 00:13:11.440 kids who waited to have sex until her wedding night, because she chose to 175 00:13:11.480 --> 00:13:15.840 do that, and she was thirty before she had sex, and they have 176 00:13:15.840 --> 00:13:20.159 a great life and things are good now. And she said that she would 177 00:13:20.200 --> 00:13:24.799 just tell men right away at the beginning, and she mostly dated men who 178 00:13:24.799 --> 00:13:28.960 had the same religious beliefs. So I would want to explore why, whether 179 00:13:28.000 --> 00:13:31.720 you're afraid of intimacy, whether you want to wait till a certain age, 180 00:13:31.799 --> 00:13:35.840 or until you've dated for a certain period of time, or until your wedding, 181 00:13:35.279 --> 00:13:39.240 And then I would you date the kind of men who would respect that 182 00:13:39.720 --> 00:13:43.159 and honor that. And actually you didn't even put your gender in there. 183 00:13:43.200 --> 00:13:46.919 You could be a guy who celibates, So I would date the kind of 184 00:13:46.919 --> 00:13:52.000 women who would respect your reasoning. All right, Dear doctor Wendy, Is 185 00:13:52.000 --> 00:13:56.120 it ever too soon to be in love? I've been dating this man for 186 00:13:56.159 --> 00:13:58.960 two weeks and I just know he's my soul mate. My friends are saying 187 00:14:00.080 --> 00:14:03.240 it is too soon. How do you know when you're the exception and not 188 00:14:03.399 --> 00:14:09.559 the rule. You're not the exception, you are the rule. You are 189 00:14:09.639 --> 00:14:13.799 literally drunk on those neuro hormones that happen in the first few weeks of dating. 190 00:14:15.039 --> 00:14:18.159 Okay. Just the fact that you use the term soulmate tells me everything 191 00:14:18.200 --> 00:14:22.000 I need to know about you. First of all, everybody, there's no 192 00:14:22.080 --> 00:14:24.360 such thing as a soulmate. If you have good relationship skills, there are 193 00:14:24.360 --> 00:14:28.480 many, many, many soulmates. But right now you should enjoy this feeling, 194 00:14:28.559 --> 00:14:35.399 because this kind of early stage attraction and lust that feels like love is 195 00:14:35.440 --> 00:14:41.240 the best drug we have. Enjoy it. It's wonderful. Now. Love 196 00:14:41.320 --> 00:14:45.080 is something different. Love comes later when you make it, when you can 197 00:14:45.159 --> 00:14:48.600 finally see the person for who they are and you can do a cost benefit 198 00:14:48.600 --> 00:14:50.759 analysis, you realize, oh, they're not perfect, they have this problem 199 00:14:50.759 --> 00:14:56.000 and that problem. But I am still going to choose to love them. 200 00:14:56.679 --> 00:15:00.840 Love is not a spell that's cast on you. Love is a verb. 201 00:15:01.360 --> 00:15:05.360 It is the verb to give. You're going to choose who to give to 202 00:15:05.519 --> 00:15:09.440 later. Right now, you're drunk, unlust. Your friends are right. 203 00:15:09.799 --> 00:15:15.519 Two weeks is too soon, okay, Dear, talk to Wendy. My 204 00:15:15.600 --> 00:15:18.639 guy has been going through a tough time and I need to know how to 205 00:15:18.639 --> 00:15:22.039 support him but not allow him to make me a punching bag. I hope 206 00:15:22.080 --> 00:15:26.279 you don't mean literally. I hope you mean figuratively, how do I support 207 00:15:26.360 --> 00:15:31.600 him? In this chapter, you have what are called boundaries. Boundaries are 208 00:15:33.559 --> 00:15:37.759 I'm happy to offer an ear, but when you are being rude to me, 209 00:15:39.279 --> 00:15:41.000 I'm going to have to hang up the phone, or I'm gonna have 210 00:15:41.039 --> 00:15:43.600 to leave the room or whatever, and then you follow through with the behavior. 211 00:15:43.960 --> 00:15:46.759 A boundary is not a boundary until it has a consequence, and every 212 00:15:46.759 --> 00:15:50.559 boundary gets tested to make sure the consequence is actually there. Right If you 213 00:15:50.600 --> 00:15:54.320 say to a two year old, you can't have a cookie before dinner and 214 00:15:54.360 --> 00:15:56.919 they go in the cookie jar, it's because they're testing the boundary. They 215 00:15:56.960 --> 00:16:00.600 want to make sure the rule is there, and you go and close the 216 00:16:00.639 --> 00:16:03.200 cupboard and go, ah, we have a rule on this. Right. 217 00:16:03.879 --> 00:16:07.720 So you figure out how you want to support him, whether it's about listening 218 00:16:07.759 --> 00:16:11.639 to his problems, whether it's about actively engaging and helping to solve the problems. 219 00:16:12.000 --> 00:16:17.440 But if you're feeling that he's abusing you emotionally, I hope not physically. 220 00:16:17.440 --> 00:16:19.120 If it's physically, he shouldn't be there, move out. Then you 221 00:16:19.200 --> 00:16:22.399 set up a boundary and you say if when you do this, then I'm 222 00:16:22.440 --> 00:16:26.360 going to hang up the phone or I'm going to leave, and a boundary 223 00:16:26.519 --> 00:16:30.879 is a behavior. It's you understanding how much you will accept, and then 224 00:16:30.879 --> 00:16:34.519 a behavior that you have to do in response to how much you will accept. 225 00:16:34.600 --> 00:16:37.600 Got it all right? I'm sorry. He's going through a tough time. 226 00:16:37.720 --> 00:16:42.360 I hope it passes all right. I have time for one more, 227 00:16:42.440 --> 00:16:47.200 not one more, Okay, I just want one more, Kayle. She's 228 00:16:47.200 --> 00:16:49.200 like wrapping me up and wrapping up. Dear doctor Wendy, I've been hinting 229 00:16:49.240 --> 00:16:52.960 that I want a surprise birthday party for seven years, and no one has 230 00:16:52.000 --> 00:16:55.879 heard me. I want to get rid of my entire community. Is this 231 00:16:55.879 --> 00:16:57.679 because they don't really love me? No, it's because you're too demanding. 232 00:16:59.039 --> 00:17:03.000 I'm sorry. A surprise birthday party that you order up is not a surprise. 233 00:17:03.200 --> 00:17:07.279 You're crazy. I don't mean that. I know you're not crazy, 234 00:17:07.480 --> 00:17:11.440 Doctor Wendy. You can't demand it, Okay. If it's your birthday, 235 00:17:11.759 --> 00:17:15.880 just be thankful for anything anybody gives you. All right, when we come 236 00:17:15.960 --> 00:17:21.200 back. Are you in a parasocial relationship? Do you spend too much time 237 00:17:21.359 --> 00:17:26.400 on social media following that celebrity or influencer or politician or whoever. I'm going 238 00:17:26.480 --> 00:17:27.799 to tell you how to break this addiction When we come back. You're listening 239 00:17:27.839 --> 00:17:32.200 to the Doctor Wendy Welsh Show and KFI amz S forty. We're live everywhere 240 00:17:32.440 --> 00:17:37.000 on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf 241 00:17:37.079 --> 00:17:41.680 I Am six forty. KFI Am six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh 242 00:17:41.680 --> 00:17:45.240 with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Welsh Show. Kayla, did we 243 00:17:45.279 --> 00:17:48.279 just get an email? Or someone misunderstood what I've been saying all along? 244 00:17:49.160 --> 00:17:52.599 That happens way too often, But yes, we got another one? What 245 00:17:52.920 --> 00:17:56.119 say you read it to me? Kayla? Please forward this to doctor Wendy. 246 00:17:56.440 --> 00:18:00.880 Doctor Wendy, apparently your idea of men quote unquote at acting to life 247 00:18:00.039 --> 00:18:04.680 is castration. Did you actually handle a man that has confidence? It would 248 00:18:04.720 --> 00:18:07.839 open a door for you, and would pay for dinner and has humor? 249 00:18:08.000 --> 00:18:11.440 I have many stories. So apparently one day he was walking at the Labria 250 00:18:11.480 --> 00:18:14.880 tar Pits. I met a girl offered to walk her dog for her. 251 00:18:14.960 --> 00:18:18.400 Walked her dog for weeks it was a chuahua. Walked dog for months. 252 00:18:18.400 --> 00:18:22.079 It was a chihuahua. And he said, is it wrong for me to 253 00:18:22.079 --> 00:18:30.480 have confidence? Well, I'm confused because obviously humans of all genders care for 254 00:18:30.519 --> 00:18:33.960 each other. They care for each other by opening doors, by offering to 255 00:18:34.000 --> 00:18:38.920 pay for checks, by taking dogs for walks, whatever. I think that's 256 00:18:38.920 --> 00:18:41.359 all good. I don't care what gender you are. If you do those 257 00:18:41.440 --> 00:18:45.839 nice, kind things, I think that's attractive, it's wonderful. But it 258 00:18:45.039 --> 00:18:49.319 sounds like you're trying to I don't know. There's something about the tone, 259 00:18:51.079 --> 00:18:55.000 like it's saying women should allow me to do everything so that I can keep 260 00:18:55.039 --> 00:18:59.519 control. It sounds like that. And then he goes into detail about how 261 00:18:59.559 --> 00:19:02.400 he was nice to her and she and he called her an ebony woman, 262 00:19:02.440 --> 00:19:06.279 which as a black woman, don't do that, but an ebony acting coach. 263 00:19:06.319 --> 00:19:08.319 And he's a tall man, and even though she was standoffish at first, 264 00:19:08.519 --> 00:19:11.880 she was yelling his name at the condos at her condo a few nice 265 00:19:11.960 --> 00:19:15.440 later. So just a lot of detail in this email, yelling his name. 266 00:19:15.759 --> 00:19:18.079 Yeah, And I don't really know what that has to do with But 267 00:19:18.640 --> 00:19:22.079 I don't know what it has to do with confidence. But you you like 268 00:19:22.160 --> 00:19:23.359 men that open doors? Were you gonna take because you said that? Of 269 00:19:23.400 --> 00:19:29.319 course, I don't think traditional gender roles are all bad. They just need 270 00:19:29.319 --> 00:19:33.839 to feel good to the people. I mean, I'll let me tell you 271 00:19:33.079 --> 00:19:41.039 my man I call his name, Uh so No, I mean he also 272 00:19:41.079 --> 00:19:44.839 opens doors, and he pays for checks, and he's very sweet and you 273 00:19:44.960 --> 00:19:48.400 said condos. He does the dishes, he folds the clothes, right, 274 00:19:48.519 --> 00:19:52.160 he's he's like the he's everything. Yeah, everything. And you've been with 275 00:19:52.240 --> 00:19:56.039 him for like three years now almost we're having an anniversary come up? Yes? 276 00:19:56.839 --> 00:20:00.160 Is it this week or next week? Three years? Wow? How 277 00:20:00.200 --> 00:20:03.519 quickly it goes by. So he's all worried because I told him that I 278 00:20:03.559 --> 00:20:07.480 had a bunch of four year relationships in my past, like three of them. 279 00:20:07.480 --> 00:20:08.799 And he's like, so I have one year and I'm expiring. Is 280 00:20:08.839 --> 00:20:12.200 that it's I've an expiry data one year. If he lasts another year, 281 00:20:12.240 --> 00:20:18.599 then he'll get a ring. Oh maybe we'll say, we'll see, all 282 00:20:18.720 --> 00:20:23.960 right. Can we talk about your obsession with people online? Look, even 283 00:20:25.160 --> 00:20:27.240 myself, I've been on social media. I don't know if you've been following 284 00:20:27.279 --> 00:20:30.680 me on social media. No, I haven't been hosting much this summer. 285 00:20:30.759 --> 00:20:33.240 I've been having a glorious summer, spending a lot of time at a farm. 286 00:20:33.319 --> 00:20:37.960 My own and with my chickens and goats, and dipping back into LA 287 00:20:37.039 --> 00:20:41.880 to do my show, and just the thought of going to social media and 288 00:20:41.920 --> 00:20:44.799 putting on makeup and talking to people, it just, you know, I 289 00:20:44.839 --> 00:20:45.960 just wanted a break. I want to break, and I feel really great 290 00:20:45.960 --> 00:20:52.319 about it. However, in order for social media to be successful, influencers 291 00:20:52.359 --> 00:20:56.960 have become more and more open and more intimate I have been in the past. 292 00:20:57.160 --> 00:21:00.880 Well, first of all, that's just who I am. Even years 293 00:21:00.880 --> 00:21:07.359 ago, my girlfriends used to say, there are no rumors about Wendy Walsh 294 00:21:07.400 --> 00:21:11.440 because she's told everybody already. You can't have a rumor about me. Because 295 00:21:11.440 --> 00:21:15.640 I've always been an open book. It feels safer for me to be open 296 00:21:15.720 --> 00:21:21.720 and honest and transparent about everything in my life. And also I've been learning 297 00:21:21.799 --> 00:21:23.599 lessons. You know, there's a lot of things that I did in my 298 00:21:23.680 --> 00:21:26.839 past or happened to me in my past, that I might have had feelings 299 00:21:26.880 --> 00:21:30.319 of shame about, but then I researched it and I'm like, oh, 300 00:21:30.359 --> 00:21:33.200 that happens to other people too, Wow, I might as well talk about 301 00:21:33.240 --> 00:21:38.359 this thing, right. However, what happens when you're intimate, meaning sharing 302 00:21:38.880 --> 00:21:47.480 personal stuff online is that some followers start to think you're the best friend, 303 00:21:48.160 --> 00:21:52.000 right, and often the influencers who are It hasn't necessarily happened with me, 304 00:21:52.039 --> 00:21:57.240 but I'm talking about other people. Those influencers don't even know that you exist, 305 00:21:59.119 --> 00:22:03.839 but yet you become so engrossed in their stories. Because some influencers give 306 00:22:03.920 --> 00:22:07.519 day to day events of what they're doing, they put it on their Instagram 307 00:22:07.559 --> 00:22:14.799 story. Right, So psychologists would call these para social relationships. That's a 308 00:22:14.880 --> 00:22:18.960 strong emotional connection to a celebrity, an influencer, or any other public figure. 309 00:22:19.519 --> 00:22:22.319 But it's somebody that they don't know who you are, but you seem 310 00:22:22.359 --> 00:22:29.440 to know everything about their life. So it's parasocial para beside the social Now, 311 00:22:30.400 --> 00:22:33.279 a lot of people engage in like I would call it like mild forms 312 00:22:33.319 --> 00:22:40.720 of parasocial bonding, but there are a few where it can escalate to really 313 00:22:40.759 --> 00:22:47.160 onhealthy levels where you might lose touch with reality. You might develop unhealthy obsessions 314 00:22:47.200 --> 00:22:52.079 with your so called fictional friend. Right. There's research on this and people 315 00:22:52.240 --> 00:22:59.880 most vulnerable to getting addicted to a parasocial relationship. This was a study published 316 00:22:59.880 --> 00:23:03.920 in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. Is about attachment style. Again, 317 00:23:04.000 --> 00:23:08.359 it all goes back to attachment style. People with an avoidant or anxious 318 00:23:08.359 --> 00:23:14.680 attachment style often seek emotional gratification from fictional characters. I mean, we're not 319 00:23:14.759 --> 00:23:17.799 fictional, but you know, we don't know you, okay, So it's 320 00:23:17.839 --> 00:23:23.279 like a halfway relationship, but one sided relationship. So what it allows people 321 00:23:23.319 --> 00:23:29.839 who have insecure attachment styles to do is it allows them to have this sense 322 00:23:29.880 --> 00:23:33.640 of intimacy like I'm close to this person. But guess what, they get 323 00:23:33.640 --> 00:23:37.039 saved from any fear of rejection because if the person doesn't know who they are, 324 00:23:37.079 --> 00:23:41.359 they can't really reject them, right, So it's this safe place. 325 00:23:41.319 --> 00:23:45.920 So how do you know if you have a problem, Well, if you're 326 00:23:45.000 --> 00:23:52.799 checking on somebody's feed every single day, and if your conversations with friends in 327 00:23:52.799 --> 00:23:56.480 the real world include you sharing news if your parasocial friend, I mean people 328 00:23:56.519 --> 00:23:59.640 do this all the time. You'll be at dinner tables and they'll be like, 329 00:24:00.039 --> 00:24:02.640 did you see what Kim posted today? And like everybody in the world 330 00:24:02.680 --> 00:24:06.759 should know who Kim is, right and what she posted on that day. 331 00:24:07.480 --> 00:24:11.440 Also, if you've noticed that you're starting to replace your real intimate connections with 332 00:24:11.480 --> 00:24:18.960 your social media friends. Then if you're replacing real friendships with social media people, 333 00:24:18.000 --> 00:24:22.279 this is not healthy. Okay, So I have a little bit of 334 00:24:22.319 --> 00:24:26.240 advice for you. I want you to wean yourself off. Literally, create 335 00:24:26.240 --> 00:24:30.640 a schedule of when you can check somebody or not. So if you're checking 336 00:24:30.680 --> 00:24:36.079 their feeds more than once a day, go down to once a day, 337 00:24:36.160 --> 00:24:40.279 and then after a week go to every second day, and then after another 338 00:24:40.319 --> 00:24:44.799 week go to every third day. Just wean yourself off. But the most 339 00:24:44.839 --> 00:24:49.359 important thing I want you to do is get critical of their content instead of 340 00:24:49.440 --> 00:24:55.880 just sitting there and just absorbing every detail like it's exciting gossip, Ask yourself, 341 00:24:56.839 --> 00:25:00.599 why'd they say that? What information is presented? What are they trying 342 00:25:00.640 --> 00:25:03.920 to sell me? Why are they trying to get me addicted? Because they 343 00:25:03.000 --> 00:25:07.160 use a lot of clickbait, Right, you've seen, I've done it. 344 00:25:07.200 --> 00:25:11.119 Look, I used to have I used to do like seven part series on 345 00:25:11.160 --> 00:25:14.279 TikTok and follow me for the rest of the story, right, And it's 346 00:25:14.319 --> 00:25:18.319 all designed to get more views and to get people clicking more. But start 347 00:25:18.359 --> 00:25:22.519 to become critical of that, start to go, oh wait, this is 348 00:25:22.559 --> 00:25:26.839 just a game. They're trying to provoke an emotional response in me, I'm 349 00:25:26.880 --> 00:25:30.920 not going to fall for it. Right. Also, it might be time 350 00:25:30.960 --> 00:25:37.799 for you to find some new interests. Right. You know, parasocial relationships 351 00:25:38.079 --> 00:25:45.240 become stronger and they flourish because you get a false sense of familiarity and you 352 00:25:45.279 --> 00:25:48.880 get a false sense of comfort. So it's time for you to break this 353 00:25:48.920 --> 00:25:55.000 cycle by venturing out doing something different, going to uncharted territories. That means 354 00:25:55.640 --> 00:25:59.759 read some books, see different movies, listen to different kinds of music, 355 00:26:00.000 --> 00:26:07.200 explore art. Just capture your attention somewhere else. And here's a big one. 356 00:26:07.960 --> 00:26:15.680 Foster some real world relationships, because parasocial relationships are not going to really 357 00:26:15.759 --> 00:26:19.079 satisfy you in the long run. You need friends. You need to reach 358 00:26:19.119 --> 00:26:25.160 out. You need to get out off the computer and the phone and look 359 00:26:25.160 --> 00:26:26.880 around your world. Are there people at work you can say, let's go 360 00:26:26.920 --> 00:26:33.039 grab lunch. Think about who you can hang out with. But you know 361 00:26:33.079 --> 00:26:36.599 what my therapist always used to say to me whenever I had a feeling of 362 00:26:36.680 --> 00:26:41.920 loss or some kind of conflicted feeling that was really uncomfortable, is she would 363 00:26:41.920 --> 00:26:45.480 say, you know, this is really fertile ground. This is very useful. 364 00:26:45.720 --> 00:26:49.240 She used to say, So use your feelings of loss to gain some 365 00:26:49.319 --> 00:26:57.480 insight to yourself. See a therapist. Explore why you need this parasocial relationship, 366 00:26:57.880 --> 00:27:02.480 Explore the feelings of laws. Where does it really come from? Is 367 00:27:02.519 --> 00:27:04.640 it somewhere else in your life, from your childhood that you need to look 368 00:27:04.680 --> 00:27:10.599 into? And then when you're ready, I take you a few weeks. 369 00:27:11.160 --> 00:27:18.839 I want you to finally unfollowd friend and mute your parasocial friend. This is 370 00:27:18.880 --> 00:27:22.559 not good for you, right. I've noticed a couple of times in the 371 00:27:22.559 --> 00:27:27.559 past that if I liked someone's comment, they might comment back like, oh 372 00:27:27.559 --> 00:27:32.640 my god, you read my comment. And if I commented back, and 373 00:27:32.759 --> 00:27:36.960 this happened a number of times, and then I didn't comment back or I 374 00:27:37.000 --> 00:27:41.160 didn't like then I saw the switch and suddenly they'd start writing angry comments, 375 00:27:41.200 --> 00:27:45.359 Oh you don't even read my comments right, Like they're having this whole emotional 376 00:27:45.359 --> 00:27:51.039 experience. And the truth is, no influencer with any huge amount of followers 377 00:27:51.079 --> 00:27:56.079 can ever read everybody's comment. It's not possible or have the time to write 378 00:27:56.119 --> 00:27:57.960 back to everyone, right, It's just a dip in. Every once in 379 00:27:57.960 --> 00:28:02.799 a while, there's one or two things throw through a comment there. But 380 00:28:02.839 --> 00:28:07.119 if it's causing you to have emotional reactions like this. You need to get 381 00:28:07.160 --> 00:28:11.039 out of it all right when we come back. I told you I've been 382 00:28:11.039 --> 00:28:15.720 obsessed with the science of love forever. I've got some scientific facts about love 383 00:28:15.799 --> 00:28:19.720 that everyone needs to hear before their next date. You are listening to The 384 00:28:19.759 --> 00:28:23.359 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and kf I Am six forty and Live everywhere on the 385 00:28:23.400 --> 00:28:30.319 iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I Am 386 00:28:30.359 --> 00:28:33.799 six forty. KFI AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. 387 00:28:33.839 --> 00:28:37.559 This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. Wow, are we into the 388 00:28:37.559 --> 00:28:38.960 home stretch? We say this every week, but like two hours shows, 389 00:28:40.119 --> 00:28:45.000 he relies by I go so fast. I've been so obsessed with the science 390 00:28:45.000 --> 00:28:48.279 of love. And I'll tell you why. It's because I didn't have a 391 00:28:48.319 --> 00:28:52.839 good model for love. I had to learn it like skills. I always 392 00:28:52.839 --> 00:28:56.920 say to people, you know, if you wanted to lose weight, would 393 00:28:56.960 --> 00:29:03.799 you want that trainer at the gym who's lost fifty pounds and knows how to 394 00:29:03.920 --> 00:29:07.960 keep it off, or that natural skinny ectomorph Barbie body who's like, yeah, 395 00:29:08.000 --> 00:29:11.279 come work out with me who doesn't really know. Often people who have 396 00:29:11.359 --> 00:29:17.920 been married happily for many, many many years don't even know how they do 397 00:29:18.000 --> 00:29:22.160 it. They don't know their relationship skills. It's largely unconscious. I had 398 00:29:22.200 --> 00:29:26.359 to learn it step by step by step by reading the science, and then 399 00:29:26.400 --> 00:29:29.759 the more I read, the more like interesting things I learned about it. 400 00:29:29.839 --> 00:29:33.000 Like you know, I'll just share with you the most important things that you 401 00:29:33.039 --> 00:29:37.039 need to know are you got to add novelty into a long term relationship to 402 00:29:37.039 --> 00:29:40.720 make it exciting. And novelty can mean simply going to different restaurants, going 403 00:29:40.759 --> 00:29:45.680 to different museums, doing something, and putting your partner in new light, 404 00:29:45.000 --> 00:29:48.440 in a new space. That's the most important because we all get into a 405 00:29:48.559 --> 00:29:52.640 rut and you need to not do that. Anyway. I wanted to close 406 00:29:52.680 --> 00:29:59.400 the show with some fun scientific facts about love that I have found over the 407 00:29:59.480 --> 00:30:03.200 years, and little bit of vice with some of these facts. For instance, 408 00:30:03.799 --> 00:30:08.119 did you know that being in love causes a couple's heart rate to synchronize. 409 00:30:10.039 --> 00:30:15.920 When someone is deeply committed to another, they lie together and their heartbeats 410 00:30:17.079 --> 00:30:22.440 actually hit the same rhythm, and this creates a deeper bond between the two 411 00:30:22.480 --> 00:30:26.359 of you. My advice to you knowing this is that you should sleep together 412 00:30:26.480 --> 00:30:30.599 for better sleep. Honestly, when my boyfriend Hulu and I are separate, 413 00:30:30.640 --> 00:30:34.480 we both have lousy sleeps. When we're together, it's like we both go 414 00:30:34.559 --> 00:30:41.319 into like heavy deep sleep together. So it must be our heart rates they're 415 00:30:41.359 --> 00:30:45.599 synchronizing. Here's another thing you should know. Remember someone wrote in earlier and 416 00:30:45.640 --> 00:30:48.759 said, how do you know if you're in love? It's only been two 417 00:30:48.799 --> 00:30:49.920 weeks. My friends say it's too early. Yes, it's too early. 418 00:30:51.160 --> 00:30:56.000 It's a bunch of love hormones. But I'll tell you this that those hormones 419 00:30:56.200 --> 00:31:03.880 can make you feel extremely jealous. Jealousy is caused by oxytocin. The cuddle 420 00:31:03.960 --> 00:31:08.599 hormone is one of the love hormones, and sometimes when you have too much 421 00:31:08.680 --> 00:31:14.400 oxytocin in your system, you might do things that are toxic and bad for 422 00:31:14.480 --> 00:31:18.200 a relationship. So I say, contain yourself, get more info before you 423 00:31:18.240 --> 00:31:23.039 react to situations. For instance, a woman I know said to me last 424 00:31:23.039 --> 00:31:29.200 week that her new boyfriend, who she's really into, she was at his 425 00:31:29.279 --> 00:31:36.839 house and in his bathroom she found one eyelash strip. I know Kayla, 426 00:31:36.880 --> 00:31:38.000 what does it mean to you if you find that there was a woman in 427 00:31:38.000 --> 00:31:41.240 that bathroom and whose eyelash trip? Is it? Well? Exactly, but 428 00:31:41.359 --> 00:31:45.720 she caused a big cause celeb and gotten a big fight over the eyelash when 429 00:31:45.759 --> 00:31:48.359 he had had a party the week before and a lot of women were over, 430 00:31:48.880 --> 00:31:52.920 and he has sisters that come over, and who knows, like, 431 00:31:52.960 --> 00:31:56.759 get more information, wait and see, it's literally a question. I found 432 00:31:56.759 --> 00:31:59.200 a bobbypin one time with a guy I was eating and it was just a 433 00:31:59.200 --> 00:32:02.440 conversation. You know what. I was here when I suspected that I was 434 00:32:02.480 --> 00:32:07.119 with a guy who was cheating or having multiple girls and whatever. I always 435 00:32:07.160 --> 00:32:10.160 took a hair scrunchy when I was in the passenger seat of his car, 436 00:32:10.400 --> 00:32:14.400 and I'd leave it over in the door where he couldn't see it. You 437 00:32:14.440 --> 00:32:16.799 know, there's a little pocket underneath the door handle in most cars, and 438 00:32:16.839 --> 00:32:21.200 since guys sit on the driver's side, he would never know it's there. 439 00:32:21.240 --> 00:32:23.759 So the next woman who would get in, she would find my scrunchy. 440 00:32:24.720 --> 00:32:31.279 That's also genius. Yees do that around the apartment. Took an obsession about 441 00:32:31.400 --> 00:32:37.680 day all right. On the same note, love makes people do crazy things. 442 00:32:37.720 --> 00:32:39.720 When you fall in love with someone, you may do things that you 443 00:32:39.799 --> 00:32:45.920 normally wouldn't do in your everyday relationship. So it kind of turns off your 444 00:32:45.960 --> 00:32:49.960 self awareness, your critical thinking, and your rationality. So just let me 445 00:32:50.000 --> 00:32:52.680 say this, in the beginning stages of a relationship, knowing that your brain 446 00:32:52.759 --> 00:32:58.720 is being hijacked, don't make any big decisions in the first six months of 447 00:32:58.720 --> 00:33:00.839 a relationship. I've heard people so I met this great guy online and we've 448 00:33:00.880 --> 00:33:04.920 seeing each other six months, so I'm thinking of moving to Chicago. No, 449 00:33:05.720 --> 00:33:07.519 don't do crazy thing, Don't run off to Vegas and get married. 450 00:33:07.960 --> 00:33:12.759 Don't do anything crazy in the first six months. Let those hormones calm down 451 00:33:12.759 --> 00:33:16.440 a bit. Here's one of my favorite facts about love. It makes you 452 00:33:16.559 --> 00:33:22.319 healthier. One study found that married people were less likely to develop certain cardiovascular 453 00:33:22.400 --> 00:33:27.799 diseases, and married people were five percent less likely to have any kind of 454 00:33:27.839 --> 00:33:31.039 vascular disease compared to singles. So, you know what, find somebody who's 455 00:33:31.079 --> 00:33:36.319 healthy, because health habits are highly contagious. If you're with somebody who's living 456 00:33:36.319 --> 00:33:38.359 in an unhealthy life, you're going to have an upward battle. It's going 457 00:33:38.400 --> 00:33:44.880 to be very difficult not surprising. Love makes you happier when you're feeling down. 458 00:33:45.000 --> 00:33:49.759 It's very helpful to think about the person you're in love with. There 459 00:33:49.799 --> 00:33:52.519 was actually one study carried out by somebody who I'm a big fan of. 460 00:33:53.279 --> 00:33:57.920 It's not a parasocial relationship. I've actually had around my podcast and on the 461 00:33:57.920 --> 00:34:02.759 show, doctor Helen Fisher from the Kinsey Institute, and she found a study 462 00:34:02.799 --> 00:34:08.400 that determined that love releases dopamine. Dopamine the neurotransmitter responsible for giving you that 463 00:34:08.440 --> 00:34:14.880 happy feeling. So when you're feeling down, think about your lover. There's 464 00:34:15.000 --> 00:34:16.239 other Oh, this is one of my favorite studies. Did you know that 465 00:34:16.280 --> 00:34:21.400 you can take two complete strangers, have them do nothing but sit eye to 466 00:34:21.480 --> 00:34:25.719 eye and stare at each other for a full four minutes. Yeah, they're 467 00:34:25.719 --> 00:34:30.760 allowed to blink and they have reported feelings of love. It's an iconic study 468 00:34:30.840 --> 00:34:36.480 done by psychology professor Arthur Aaron, and he found that you can get an 469 00:34:36.480 --> 00:34:38.480 intense feeling of closeness. You know, the eyes are the window to the 470 00:34:38.519 --> 00:34:43.920 soul. So my tip for you is, if you're beginning to date somebody, 471 00:34:44.400 --> 00:34:46.159 don't be skittish with the eyes. Look them in the eyes in fact. 472 00:34:46.559 --> 00:34:50.079 Okay, not four minutes straight. That's creepy. But you know, 473 00:34:51.039 --> 00:34:53.880 hold the stair just a little bit, just hold the glance a little longer. 474 00:34:54.079 --> 00:34:59.320 Yeah, eye contact is really intense tomote feelings of love, yes, 475 00:34:59.400 --> 00:35:04.079 maam. Also, love can make you lose weight. Well, that's what's 476 00:35:04.079 --> 00:35:07.320 happy relationship weight then, well that's you know, that's because you're sitting around, 477 00:35:08.239 --> 00:35:14.920 you know, rolling around and eating. Yea. But love produces, 478 00:35:15.000 --> 00:35:17.599 as I said, the cuddle hormone oxytocin that causes emotional happiness. And it 479 00:35:17.719 --> 00:35:22.079 also oxytocin can suppress your appetite and also keep you up all night. That's 480 00:35:22.079 --> 00:35:25.199 why you're you're up talking when you first meet somebody, you're at two in 481 00:35:25.199 --> 00:35:30.039 the morning and you're still chatting away. You are most likely to fall in 482 00:35:30.119 --> 00:35:37.119 love with somebody in your league. Attraction wise, there is somebody for everybody. 483 00:35:37.199 --> 00:35:40.599 One study done in twenty eleven found that people tend to make the moves 484 00:35:42.000 --> 00:35:46.159 on somebody who's approximately at the same level of attractiveness. So I ask you 485 00:35:46.199 --> 00:35:52.320 this, if you are shooting out of your league all the time, taller, 486 00:35:52.480 --> 00:35:54.440 rich, or more beautiful, whatever I mean, we all want to 487 00:35:54.599 --> 00:35:58.760 value our partner and think that we've dated up just a little bit. But 488 00:35:58.760 --> 00:36:01.360 if you're shooting way out of your league, are you trying to protect yourself 489 00:36:01.400 --> 00:36:06.000 from intimacy? Like ask yourself? Are you trying to reconfirm that you're not 490 00:36:06.039 --> 00:36:09.320 lovable? Because you are lovable? There's somebody for everybody, and you deserve 491 00:36:09.360 --> 00:36:15.320 to be loved. And I'll close by saying, yes, you're really blinded 492 00:36:15.360 --> 00:36:17.679 by love. We talked about this earlier. When you first meet somebody, 493 00:36:17.960 --> 00:36:23.880 listen to your friends and family more than yourself because you cannot do proper critical 494 00:36:23.960 --> 00:36:28.320 assessments, you can't see those red flags. Well, hey, if you 495 00:36:28.400 --> 00:36:30.239 like to follow me on social media, you certainly may. The handle everywhere 496 00:36:30.320 --> 00:36:32.760 is at Doctor Wendy Walsh and out. The summer's ending, I'm going to 497 00:36:32.800 --> 00:36:37.360 get back to posting. I've been having a nice time just relaxing, but 498 00:36:37.400 --> 00:36:42.320 I'm always here for you every Sunday from seven to nine pm on KFI Am 499 00:36:42.360 --> 00:36:45.760 six forty. You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. We are 500 00:36:45.840 --> 00:36:52.119 live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. 501 00:36:52.159 --> 00:36:54.559 You can always hear us live on KFI Am six forty from seven to nine 502 00:36:54.599 --> 00:36:59.760 pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.