Ahoy, there a yard flag and fergan, do you mind if we come
up alongside? Maybe? Shall we pull up alongside and borg you. I'd
like to tell you some sea shanties about the unexplained. This soul vessel be
called blurry photos. All right, the seas an unknown are into the maelstrom
of understanding the sea. She asks more questions than she provides answers. Lash
to the master of skepticism Morrowed and the slashy trough of fun truth. This
is us. That's we were gonna do a whole podcast, but we're just
gonna do this now for an hour. That's it. Maritime laden metaphors unknown.
Well, I'm David Flora, and I do declare myself to be David
Stecco. Uh and this is this is blurry Photos. You found it.
You you you are a master me. We have a we have a fun
show for you this week. I think, yeah, this is this is
You're gonna have a lot of fun. We've got a heartwarming Christmas episode.
That's right. I do want to take this time to apologize to you,
dear listener, because our equipment has been a little bit dodgy lately, and
there may be parts of this episode that are a little bit suspect to listen
to, But I encourage you to keep with us, as we have tried
to fix it and we will fix it in the future. So here's a
preemptive thanks for you. But anyways, if you're listening to this, hooray
no apocalypse. If you're not listening to this, and good luck proving the
negative. We've all perished in any of the number of ways we already discussed.
That's right. We are either waiting to be judged or waiting to be
resurrected, or being chased by demons, or impregnated by reptiles, or thrown
into the void of our own self conscienceness. I don't know if if nothing
happened, then that's too bad, because I was really looking forward to a
conscious awareness for all of us. If I seem a little tense, it's
because I bought so many things for Christmas on credit, thinking that there's no
way in hell I'll ever have to pay this back. I wonder how many
people actually did do that. I think, well, yeah, I think
that I think that that's gonna be a pretty good Do you think it was
more people than what happened when the rapture guy predicted it. What was his
name, Camping? Harold Camping? I think so, I think, but
not a lot more. I mean, you have to be a pretty unique
brand of lunatic. Is the word I was looking for to be, like,
Nope, world's gonna end. Not only is the world gonna end,
but I need to act irresponsible in response to it. Yeah. So,
yeah, I mean people will do it. People are gonna do dump things
because that's what that's what we as a society do. But I don't I
don't think it's going to be like crazy Town. I don't think it'll be
a huge number of people. Yeah. Well, and honestly, of those
people that do it, three quarters of them are just bad fiscal planners,
and they're gonna blame the apocalypse rather than just say no, I'm just bad
with my money. They'll be like, oh, I thought the world was
gonna end. Really thought I found a loophole there. Yeah, and it
might not put them too much out of the social norm, you know,
because they they already not have had too much to begin with. They already
yeah, well, they spent so much money just on travel alone to the
cetacean transformation with April and but and bhaw. I don't know why, but
I always imagine we'll our Net just showing up with a bad gotee and saying
hello, I'm bashaw and the final countdown still plays. Yeah. Oh man,
I was proven catastrophically wrong about one of my apocalyptic I guess I mean,
since no one really knows when we're gonna all die, I guess I
would be considered to have been making my own prognostication about when we're going to
die or not, okay um. And I was all like, oh,
well, you know, we have a pretty good idea of all the near
Earth asteroids. You know, we have an awarding system. It's we're pretty
safe from that. Oh no, we're not. In order to prove me
fantastically wrong, the universe was able to slide in an asteroid that gave us
a whopping forty eight hours notice before coming close enough to be between the Earth
and the Moon. For going on about it's a dirty, sinful business.
Now, I don't think this was like an extinction event. This was not
the end of the world, but it was definitely a mess up. A
good sized portion of real estate well, wasn't it like three miles long or
something. I have no idea how big it was. I could be making
that totally up. I've got so much apocalyptic stuff in my head right now
from that from that episode, I just know how close it got to us
and that and that I was like, Oh, Wow, didn't you just
get done saying how fantastically ridiculous it is to think that could happen. So
Mac, and I really hope that by now, before this moment, it
had crossed your mind maybe that Dave's teco might be full of shit. I
hope. I hope that at some point that thought has trickled through, because
it's entirely accurate. Let's get let's get this this, You'll tipe sleigh ride
on on the on the trail, all right, on the rails, on
the sleigh trail. Yeah, and I've already I've already kicked us off.
That's right. We're gonna focus this episode on You'll, you'll tide, you'll
time whatever you want to call you a log, I mean, not to
save a log. I mean I don't have a log, not in the
way you think I'm saying. I'm just I'm just trying to say it's like
Christmas, Timonds, it is it hot in here? I'm sorry, but
I just love Christmas Vacations so much. I can not do that. It
is such a great movie. That one, and one that I think doesn't
get played enough is Ernest Saves Christmas? What David Flores from Kentucky? All
right, Look that's all I'm saying, rip too, Jim Varney. Jim
Varney a great commune et talent. Yeah, I'll give you that. You
know what I mean? Vern right now? Wait, so there's an Earnest
says Christmas. Oh yeah, there's an Earnest does everything I know. He
goes to jail in one of them, which I thought was a bold move.
Does he ever join the army? He sure did? Oh god.
And that's a heartwarming Christmas movie. Yeah, that one I think is the
best Earnest movie. Just just quality one, you know. I mean,
I trust your judgment and I will watch it them if it's on Netflix,
and I don't know where else i'd find it. If it's not on Netflix,
I'll never see it. Sorry, I could let you borrow the VHS
tape. Did you also let me borrow a VHS player? Yes, but
anyways, tales of the explained. We'll get to it someday. The ule
if if you're not familiar, everybody you know, here's you'll tide. You'll
tie him around chriss around the holiday season, stuff like that. It's a
time of the greatest darkness and the longest night of the year. It occurs
around the winter solstice, which is the shortest day of the year and longest
night. Yep, that's the moment when the Earth is at a point in
its orbit where one hemisphere is most inclined away from the Sun. I think
that it's a good thing that we should This is this is a good psa
right here that I don't think it never happens. I never hear anybody say
this. And this is my personal idea that why isn't why isn't that some
kind of sexy holiday? Just the solstice? Yeah, it's the longest night.
Oh take advantage of it, like make that into like the Valentine's Day.
It could be if you're wiccan Ah, because they celebrate the hell out
of it, but they don't make it into a sexy um holiday. And
it could be we could make cards, we could do a lot of stuff.
No, don't pretend the Wiccans are having some awesome sex orgy because they're
not. I don't know if they would have awesome sex orgies. All I'm
saying a lot of wickens are hot. No, No, they're not.
That is a lie. That is an abject lie. Do you no,
No, what you're thinking of right now is the Wren Fair where there's like
a whole bunch of women wearing no midriff outfits. And those are not wickens.
Those two old ladies in the corner wipe in the grease on their own
shirts from their chick their turkey legs. Those were the Wiccans. Dude,
dude, bros, saving those bones for rituals later. Yeah, for casting
later, to determine if they'll go to Taco bell or chilies due. No,
alright, you're not ever going to capitulate on the subway. You know,
this is a great opportunity here. If you're listening and you are a
hot Wicken, it's you know what, I don't envy your position because it's
hard to not seem self serving on this, but you are also trying to
defend the honor of the Wiccans. Oh look, man, I got an
open mind. Yeah, well I don't. And when you don't send any
pictures in I win by default. Great. But I'm just saying, Solstice,
it's a long night. Why not enjoy it? Why not make it
a special evening? And you know what, since no one else does it,
you get hipster points, oh man, and and save those up because
those will be worth something, you know what I mean. It was observed
as a religious festival by early Germanic people's It was done as a celebration of
a good harvest, sort of like how saw Yes, Now, Slwin and
Yule are both on this wheel of holidays and times of the year that people
like Wickens pay attention to. And they also celebrated the short work days because
you know who wants to work? Right? That's that is a celebration of
itself. Yeah. Yeah, Now, the Yule Tide celebration period lasted from
around what is now mid November through early January, so it's a pretty good
chunk of time to be celebrated. That's awesome, And it's also a nice
historical underpinning towards when the Christmas decorations come out. Yeah, and like I
said, the winter Solstice which generally happens somewhere between the nineteenth and the twenty
second of December. That's when they really buckled down and we're like, this
is what we're celebrating. Yeah, and then around this time is when you
get your twelve Days of Christmas starting up, although it could start a little
after that because the twelve days goes into January. Twelfth Night is actually in
January twelfth Night like the Shakespeare play. Generally people celebrated the first day of
the twelve days and the last day twelfth night, you know, just so
everybody, just so they could be like, I know when this is,
I know calendars, well, I mean everyone knows that the twelve Days of
Christmas is the most honorous of Christmas carols. So imagine having an actual twelve
days at Christmas. I one hundred percent support a first and last day approach
to that. Yeah, even Jewish people are like, it's eight days.
So some of the things that are common with some of the traditions that have
grown out of this are the Yule log, which we mentioned, which we
have customed Chevy Chase, but that was a large, extremely hard log burned
in a hearth. It didn't even have to put that in there. What
she did? Ye, It's true. It provided many superstitious benefits, including
being a lightning charm in Germany and prosperity and protection in Great Britain. A
lightning charm, a lightning charm to keep it away or attract it, I
think, to keep it away, to keep your place from being struck by
lightning. There are a ton of superstitious beliefs for the yule log, and
they're all based on the region you come from. And it mattered like how
you burnt it, what part of it you saved, where you put it,
things like that. There were all kinds of rules. Yeah. Well,
and it's yeah, not only where you put the ul logue. I
mean, do you just jam it in there? I'm done, just honestly,
don't even just lay it in soft on the longest night of the year.
I'm sorry everyone, I am just a giant baby. The yule goat
is another tradition I have not heard of. Yeah. Originally it was sacrificed
allah Thor's goats because Thor rode in a chariot pulled by two goats, and
that morphed over the years into an ugly creature that scared children and demanded gifts.
And then it morphed to an invisible creature that showed up to make sure
that Yule preparations were done correctly, and that turned into a creature that gave
gifts, and then that sort of evolved into Father Christmas. And that is
how Santa is related to the goat man. Well, in some countries they
still call him the Yule Goat, the old Yule Goat, Yule Goat,
the old Goat. I like that, though. That's I didn't know that
Santa. Santa. Yes, go this one not created in a lab unfortunately,
as far as you know, as far as I know, doesn't attack
cars. Then we got a yule bore, which is similar. It was
a sacrificial animal, but people swore oaths over it when they killed it,
and then they cooked it and ate. I swear by the scorpse of this
yule bore. Now, this is why some people say we have ham at
Christmas. I mean, yeah, whatever, that's good enough for me.
Yeah. Sure. Then you get Yule singing, which is how sailing.
Yes, and that's going door to door singing wishing goodwill and blessings in exchange
for food and drink sounds a very souls night ish. Yeah right, Yeah,
I was gonna say that. A lot of people went out door to
door basically begging I'm already. It sounds like everyone had such a fun time
with sawin that they were like, you know what, let's just do this
again in a couple of minutes. Yeah, there's a lot of similarities.
Now there's a lot of questioning out there about the old Christmas song the most
wonderful time of the year. Yeah, there's a lyric that goes there will
be scary ghost stories and tales of the glories of Christmas is long long ago.
So people are like, wait a minute, I actually listened to this
lyric and there are scary ghost stories that don't make no sense. Ants.
This is the town of giving and living false false. There's no time in
which you are not just mere ethereal inches from the other plane, and you
must be reminded. A lot of people wonder where does that come from?
Yeah, why ghost stories at Christmas? Well, the short answer is nobody
really knows. A lot of people hearken it back to eighteen hundreds Victorian England.
This is around the time that you get Charles Dickens writing a Christmas carol.
You get people gather around the fire and telling stories to each other,
you know, for entertainment. Yeah, I mean it's you you know,
there's there's the Dickens as the gold standard. But there's this, uh.
All the research I did points to it being a very British thing. Yeah,
that they just especially the late eighteen hundreds, mid to late eighteen people
just got around on Christmas even just told stories, told ghost stories, and
you know, and it's it's a long night, it's dark, it's you
know, I can see it. You know. We keep in mind that
there's no blinking lights, there's no you know, garlands and red ribbons everywhere.
It was just another you know, it was a cold night, but
a good time for it. Yeah. So that's one belief of where it
came from. I was able to find something a little bit older too that
I like, it goes all the way back to pre Christian Scandinavian countries,
And to me, this one makes a little bit more sense. That is,
if there are indeed ghost story traditions that are passed around, they've already
got the Christmas goat going for him. So the Yule goat. The Scandinavian
folks I mentioned around this time of year, they had a phenomenon called the
wild Hunt. This was an ancient folk myth about a group of phantasmal hunters
with horses and hounds that blazed across the sky at night or just above the
ground. Now, it was very bad luck if you saw this, and
I'm talking bad luck up until the point of death in some cases. So
finding a bunch of undead huntsmen going on a hunt is bad luck. Right.
Turns out that seeing a bunch of ghosts hell bent on the death of
something not a good thing. Yeah, And around this time supernatural activity was
increased and dragger or ghosts were more active. And it makes sense. You
know, this being the longest night of the year, you're probably going to
get that veil between earth and the afterlife is going to be thin, just
like it saw one. Yeah. In a lot of the myths, again
they vary depending on region. You get the Norse god Odin leading the hunt
and he would do this riding his eight legged horse slate near And some people
think that this may be one of the very very really roots of Santa Clause
with his eight reindeer writing in a sleigh across the sky. He could have
been so much more efficient if he had eight legged reindeer. Yeah, but
the wild hunt was definitely a scary thing that people were worried about, you
know, at the beginning of winter. Don't get wild hunted. Don't do
it now, that to me is a pretty plausible origin to having ghost stories
as a tradition or being scared, you know, around the Yule tide season.
Yeah, exactly. I think, you know, there's there's I think
that it's just a kind of an organic thing. I don't you know,
it makes sense. Yeah, kind of all fits together, and a lot
of stuff from that time period has survived. Two for instance, the Yule
Log. You know, now, the Yule Goat hasn't did not stand the
test of history, at least not in the not in the States. Everybody,
and in the Yule Log shows up all CONSI word places. In France,
there's the boost to Noell, which is the log shaped cake. That's
right. So we thought it might be fun on this episode to tell some
more ghost stories. Thundersound, that's right, it's about to get real,
it's yeah, So get ready, we're about to throw a couple at you
here. Yeah, I know this is a curveball. You're probably with your
family right now, sipp and noog and going. This is gonna this is
gonna be really heartwarming. I want you to hear this podcast. Yeah,
oh my god, what you're gonna terrify me with tales of ghosts? Yes,
that's right, that's exactly, That's exactly how this ball is gonna bounce.
Yeah, we've got we've got some candles going here. We got a
nice spooky vibe and some Christmas lights so that we're not too terrified. And
this is where I hand the reins of this yule slay, this goat pulled
eight legged yule slay over to you, David. All right, I'm gonna
start us out with a story called ski Vacation Terror. Sound right now,
Horse of terror? Remember him? Two men from Colorado went on a skiing
vacation in the mountains. They brought cameras in a camcorder with them so they
could take pictures and shoot video. They were staying in a remote log cabin
miles away from anyone else. After they had spent a few days there,
the weather turned bad and they realized they were going to get stuck on the
mountain until the weather cleared. To make matters worse, one of the men
had an accident while skiing and was very badly injured. The other man tried
to radio for help, that there was no reception, and within hours his
friend was dead. The man was stranded alone on the mountain, unable to
contact anyone and unable to leave because of the bad weather conditions. He took
his friend's body outside and buried it under the snow. That night, he
went to bed, hoping that someone would notice that he was missing and call
the authorities. He was worried he would starve to death before he was rescued.
The following morning, when the photographer awoke, he was horrified to find
that his friend's dead body was lying beside him in the bed, its cold,
dead arms wrapped tightly around him. The man couldn't figure out what had
happened. Terrified, he carried the body of his friend outside and buried it
again in the snow. But the following morning, the same thing happened again,
and the morning after that. By this time, the poor man was
almost out of his mind with fright. He decided to set up his camcorder
on a tripod and videotape himself sleeping at night. That way he would finally
find out what was going on during the night. The next morning, he
awoke again to find the frozen corpse clutching him. He got out of bed,
shivering and shaking, and started to watch the video that had been recorded.
What he saw in that video still haunts him to this day. The
man watched with mounting terror as a dark figure left the cabin. Minutes later,
the figure returned, carrying the corpse. The figure got into the bed
and wrapped the arms of the corpse around itself. He couldn't believe what he
was seeing. The dark figure was none other than the man himself. Okay,
that's more creepy, less ghostie, very creepy. He kept going after
his buddy's corpse. Ye, I mean, what is that? I don't
know. That is super creepy. So I would have set the camp quarter
up after the first time. Yeah, whenever I favor got him, didn't
say yeah, don't doesn't say. There's a lot of a lot of questions
in this one, a lot of you know what, blurry photos essay contest.
Let us know what happened right up the following chapter, that that terrifying
tale of two guys skiing in Colorado. So you you've been skiing in Colorado?
Or yes, I have? Has that ever happened to you? I
didn't like it. I mean no, no, no, I wouldn't.
He was already dead. Didn't matter. I didn't. This podcast is over,
okay, all right, so you you you got one for us?
Of course I do, of course I do. This one is called The
soft thud of following footsteps echoed behind him as he hurried through the snow flakes
toward home. They kept pace with him, quickening when he quickened, slowing
when he slowed. It was creepy. His flesh crawled at the sound,
and he sped up, cursing himself for walking home alone from the midnight Christmas
Mass. What Mass? No, it's just like I knew I was putting
myself at risk for going to church. Why would I go home alone?
Damn it? I knew it? Okay, normally not a pious man,
the middle aged bachelor had suddenly been struck by a wish to hear the old
Christmas songs, some once again by a choir. Why why do we need
to know that he's a bachelor. I don't know. Maybe I guess maybe
it's gonna be oh, you know what, my guess that he we have
to know that he's all by himself, that there's that he's all for sake,
just say he's vibe right. I'm sorry, keep going. He's got
to be lonely too. I mean, oh, that's true. I'm sure
that in this ghost story all of the loose lines will be tied up.
I have full faith and confidence. And he had walked across town to attend
the service. Now he regretted his choice again. Why did I go to
church? Damn it? Now he regretted his choice as he passed dark house
after dark house on the snowy night, and the footsteps ever followed. He
sped up until he was nearly running and skidded into his street. A few
more paces brought him to the bottom of his front steps, and as he
dashed up them, he suddenly realized that the following footsteps had ceased. Abruptly,
he glanced behind him at the cross street from which he had just turned
and saw only one pair of footprints in the snow covered street where there should
have been two, Jesus, is that you again having a hard time walking
home? Those were the times when I was scaring you. He frowned in
puzzlement, and then he shuddered as a cold breeze struck him, driving snow
against his collar and slamming him against the door. Almost it seemed to pass
through the door. But that was superstitious nonsense, idiot domy his hands,
His hand was shaking his He unlocked the front door and hurried inside. He
expected darkness, but was delighted to see the yellow glow of firelight coming from
his study doorway upstairs. Must have been the Yule log? Does anyone ever
come home and are delighted to see the yellow light of fire? His old
housekeeper, whom he thought firmly asleep in her attic bedroom, must have lit
the fire pending his return. He shrugged out of his coat and paused for
a moment, amazed to find it still warm and dry. Though he had
walked more than a mile through a snowstorm. It was almost as if he'd
been walking in a bubble of calm. N Although what it was, Jesus,
he was Jesus, those are the times when he scared him. Maybe
it was like one of those really like like super sweet pens, you know,
like those pencil sketches that like recovering people do of like Jesus taking the
needle in the arm. This one's like Jesus holding the umbrella. I don't
know, and I think we're just us. Yeah, exact, let's see
where were were bubble of calm air, though he remembered the soft snowflakes hitting
his face when he first stepped out of the church before the mysterious footsteps began.
His shutter was interrupted by a shout of greeting as his old friend Andy
came hurrying out of the study. His whole face lit up in a grin
at the unexpected surprise. The two men shook hands heartily and retreated back to
the warmth of the firelight, talking so fast they stumbled over each other's words.
Fools, good friends, I broke into your home and lit a fire
welcome. Andy had left town two years ago to take a government job in
DC, and they hadn't seen each other since. Nessie, I liked these
details on a story because up till this moment, this story could have been
in sixteen ten or the year thirty thousand. Yep, so it's a government
job in DC sometime in the last two hundred years. That explains how he
got in the house. Yep. Nearly an hour passed before it occurred to
him that his guest might be hungry. His offer of a meal was instantly
accepted, but Andy was unwilling to leave the comfort of the fire to eat
in the kitchen, so he jogged downstairs alone to fetch some food. He
didn't wonder at his friend's reluctance to join him in the kitchen. Why would
he had only broken into his home and started lighting things on fire. Andy
looked very pale and kept shivering with cold as they talked. He hoped his
friend wasn't ailing for anything, so we're he's a phrase. A few moments
later, he was back with warmed up meat and potatoes and a couple of
glass a beer, apologizing profusely as he handed Andy a plate for the mismatched
dinnerware. Oh man, do you know, yeah, I remember when I
had a fire already lit. His one thing yep, miss match dinnerware.
Oh I learned that lesson. I tried to give that to you once and
you smacked the plate of food out of my hand, and I stormed out
to you through salt after me and I didn't come back for a long time.
Okay, we're gonna get through this terror somehow. We're good at this.
Yah, absolutely get Andy just laughed and hunkered down to eat. When
they were both finished, he showed his friend to a guest room and then
tumbled into his own bed to sleep. All his apprehension caused by mysterious footsteps
forgotten in the visit of his friend. He jumped out of bed Christmas morning
and dashed immediately downstairs to his guest room to rouse his friend. But Andy
wasn't there, and the bed had not been slept in. Lood was odd.
He ran down to the stuff, but Andy wasn't there either, and
one plate of food was sitting on the end table beside his old friend's chair.
It was completely untouched, though he'd seen Andy eating from it the night
before. Skin creeping at the thought, he ran to the kitchen and asked
his housekeeper if she'd seen Andy, but the housekeeper had seen no one either
the previous night or this morning. He flopped down on the bottom step of
the staircase, completely baffled. Where had Andy gone, and where was his
wallet? He had made that part up. It was a mystery that plagued
him all Christmas Day, and he did not enjoy his holiday dinner at all,
a fact that annoyed his housekeeper. Well, she worked really hard on
it previously. She lives in the attic. Yeah, come on, man.
He was awakened the next morning from a restless sleep by the sound of
the front doorbell. He stumbled out of bed, and with splashing water from
the bedside pitcher on his sleepy eyes, came at the bedroom door. When
he answered, his housekeeper handed him a telegram that had just arrived as she
hurried back downstairs to the singing telegram. A sexy Christmas Telegram, special delivery
from your friend Andy. I have the singing telegram. As she hurried back
downstairs to prepare his breakfast, he opened it curiously, not knowing who would
be telegraphing him so urgently. When he read the telegram, he started to
tremble. The message was short and to the point Andy's family regretted to inform
him that his old friend Andy had passed away on Christmas Eve in his home
in Washington, d C. He sat down hard on the bed, the
telegram fluttering away from his hand. It must have been Andy who followed him
home on Christmas Eve. That would explain the eerie footsteps and the dry coat
in the middle of the snowstorm. He'd spent Christmas Eve eve with a ghost.
How does that explain the dry coat? Um, everybody knows walk with
a ghost coats like toast. That's not you never heard that before we part.
Everybody knows that. But I'm pretty impressed that you came up like toast,
walk with a ghost like toast. Yeah, old people mutter it all
the time. So that that's a that's a spooky, haunted Christmas. Yeah,
not bad, not bad? Yeah, and and and not entirely terrifying.
You know, it's almost heartwarming. Yeah, I find it. Uh
that the first topic of conversation wasn't I'm so glad you're here because this creepy
mofa was following me all the way home from the church. Yeah? Also,
why am I afraid to go to church? So dumb I didn't arrange
a security escort? Andy? Your sisters still single? Yeah? Yeah,
and that's another thing. Like it's midnight mass, Like everyone goes to that
it's not like he exits the church and it's ghost Townsville. Yeah, if
if you died on Christmas Eve with your family, would you would you come
do one more podcast with me? Absolutely? And you had better. I
swear to God, I will haunt your miserable existence. If you bring me
mismatched dinner wear, I will lose my shit. I've got Christmas themed dinner
wear, so you'll be getting la la. I know where I'm spending my
last evening on this mortal plane. YEA, though I might serve your drink
in an Avenger's cup, that's even better. I consider that to be forrmal
dinner wear. So yeah, that's that's one of my that's that's a haunted
Christmas story. Great, let's let's switch gears for a second here, because
I'm getting the heebi gebs. And I used to have a warm, cozy
feeling about Christmas, but now I just think it's just an orgy of the
damned crawling out of their graves to harass me on Christmas Eve. It's it's
all of that and more. Because this break is not gonna give you what
you want. I'm gonna tell you about a guy that a lot of people
may not have heard of. But he's a pretty big deal in Europe right
now, and I think he's he's getting to be known more here in the
States. Fellow by the name of Crumpas. Would that be unterslat Crumpas the
German finance minister. No, but but he is Germanic. The Crumpass is
a beast like. Oh, it's the Crumpas, not Trumpas. Oh,
I love this is a beast like enforcer of Saint Nicholas from Alpine folklore.
He's a fur covered, cloven hooved creature with goat horns and a long pointed
tongue that lolls out. He carries chains and bells of various sizes, and
often carries rooting, which is a bundle of birch switches. And he has
a washtub or sack strapped to his back. So wait, so in Germany,
Santa Claus has a beast enforcer, well, Saint Nicholas at least,
but yeah, for all intents and purposes, the Crumpass. This guy is
like the counterpart to Saint Nicholas. So you know Saint Nicholas rewards nice children,
Well, he has the Crumpass to punish naughty ones. Oh I love
that. Crumpas is a derivation of an old German word for claw, and
he would place coal in naughty kids stockings, or if they're a little a
little bit worse than naught, he would take a few presents from them.
If they're even more naughty than that, How can you get more naughty than
that? If they were, if they were particularly bad kids, he'd swap
them with the rooting and throw them in his sack to take them away to
drown or eat or to live with him in hell. He just gets to
do what he wants. I mean, they have to be naughty kids,
like really bad kids. But what does he like? Just take a good
long look at him ago with you're an eater. Yeah, I don't know.
I don't know what he did, how he decides. Are you saying
that those are three different versions? Or like he each kid like he spends
the triper at wheel depending on depending on the region, I think people have
different outcomes of what he does to children. Oh my god, the crumpus
and probably depending on how much the parent wants to scare the kid is what
he'll do to the kid, you know, if they're bad The thing about
this guy is he's he's all over the place in folklore over there, and
he's got all kinds of different names and stuff, and you know, each
one's kind of like like I was saying with the superstitions with the Yule logue.
He's got a lot of variations on either you know, what he looks
like or what he does. And Crumpus Knocked falls on December fifth, which
is the night before the Feast of Saint Nicholas, and that's when Crumpas came
to dole out punishment. Oh my god, that first of all, I'm
pissed that I missed Crumpus knocked. Yeah, yeah, I be kissed.
Because today the popular thing is to do a crumpaslaughing, which is all the
kids a steffun joke. Crumpas laughing is Chicago's hottest new thing. But that
but people will dress up as Crumpass and go around scaring the shot a kid.
Oh my god, I want that here. Yeah. It's it's a
thing to to get drunk and be silly too. Crump it up, cump
it up. Yeah. So, And and they make cards like greeting cards
that are you know, kind of funny just saying greetings from Crumpas. And
it's got like a the Crumpas meeting runnings to bad people. Or is it
just as good as a Christmas card? It's it's just as good as a
Christmas card. It's it's just like saying happy holidays. People are like,
oh, I got a Crumpas card. Har har harror. Okay, so
it's like I hear the Dickens, I got you. Yeah, But like,
there's so much to learn about Crumpas. I want this to be incorporated
into our Christmas as fast as possible. Yeah, crumbs Crumpus is uh is
silly. There's uh. The artist Brahm a really really cool artist. He
does stuff for like Wizards of the Coast. He just, I think,
wrote a book based on Crumpas called The Yule Lord and and he did the
illustrations for it too and stuff, and it looks really cool. I'm gonna
look into getting that. Oh my gosh, we'll have to write Crumpass carrols,
Oh my gosh, holiday songs about punishing and drowning children. I'm you
know what, I take it back. I'm glad I missed it because I
would have tried to just get everything fit in there in time. Yeah,
I wouldn't have done as good a job. Now I's a full rich year
to prepare for Crumpus knocked. Yeah, Crumpass is hilarious, I think,
And we're going to sing Crumpass Carrols next year. Well, I'll tell you
what. I have a version of the Night before Christmas that an author by
the name of Clement Gore has adapted to be the Crumpus Night before Christmas,
which I will now regal you with. Please do it. Twas the night
before Christmas, the town covered an ice. The cat was out hunting for
plump harvest mice. The stockings were hung by the chimney with fright. Crompus
would soon be there that night. The children were scared and awakened their beds,
while nightmarish visions loomed o'er their heads. We were like prey caught in
a trap, and could not settle down for a long winter's nap. When
out on the lawn there arose such a splat. I sprang to the floor
to see what was the matter. Away to the window, I crept very
slow, slid open the drapes, spied a murder of crows. The crimson
red moon on the breast of the snow gave a stain of dried blood to
the objects below. When what to my watering eyes should appear but a jet
black sleigh and ate sinful reindeer with a grizzly old driver, with sharp horns
and long claws. There's no way that this beast could be Santa Claus,
more rapid than owls that die on their prey. He howled and he roared,
and I heard him say, now slasher, now wrathful. Now Gordon
and put on radies on Gonner and blitz creek to the top of the porch,
to the top of the wall. Now swoop away, creep away,
slither and crawl as dry leaves from torn trees. The wild cyclone's spin,
ripping up shingles, flying in sin so down to the housetop. The cursors
they flew with a sleigh full of booty and crumpus too. And then in
a dimming I heard on the roof the scraping and pawing of each bony hoof
each of his nails, scratched brick and made sand in a pile full of
dust. With a thud, he did land. His claws were long,
and the tips touched the floor. The wood that they scraped splintered and tore.
Mortar and ash clung to his nails. His fingers were swollen, frostbit
and pale. The teeth in his mouth were as sharp as a pin.
His cheeks skin and bone, his nose long and thin, His devilish horns
were drawn up like a bow, and the beard on his face was as
black as charcoal. He was dressed in roadkill from his head to his toes,
and his clothes were stained red from skinned bucks. And does Jesus.
An empty birch basket was flung o'er his back, and he was a peddler
opening his sack. The stump of his pipe was made from a mouse,
and the smoke it encircled his head like a noose. He had puss colored
eyes, and we dared not to look. We terribly feared this soot covered
crook. He was brawny and cruel, a wrong, evil, old elf.
And I screamed when I saw him, in spite of myself. No
wink from his eye, scratching lice from his head gave me to know I
had something to dread. He wrecked our halls and filled up his sack with
bad girls and boys and other knickknacks. He spoke not a word as his
beast did his work. He put coal in our stockings. Then he turned
with a jerk, his serpent like tongue hung out of his jaw and giving
a cackle up the chimney, he crawled. He stomped onto his sleigh to
his team, gave a slur, and ripped up the roof like removing a
burr. And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, a
bad Christmas to all, and to all a dark night. Cropus is pretty
metal, he really is. I think there's a metal band called Crompus too.
And if there isn't there is now wasn't that great? That's awesome?
Great adaptation I found out there. I like, like, what what does
a raindeer do to be sinful? Be called putred? What is it?
Was a sinful life to a reindeer? Oh man? That was I was
really into that. Yeah. Yeah, so Crumpus, you guys, uh
beware of him. Yeah, watch out, don't don't get you. Yeah,
don't be don't be naughty. Crumpus is coming for you. Um I
have. I also have an alternative Christmas version. Now this you will never
hear about anywhere anywhere, because it's just some people that we grew up with.
Friends of my sisters mostly had an alternative Santa Claus that showed up in
July. He was like Auntie Santa and Antie Annie Sandy. He was a
skinny man named Ugan Spa who would sneak into the house at night and if
you were good, he would leave you candy, and if you were bad,
he would take your favorite toy. Oh yea and yeah, and and
Ugan Spa was a very real deal to these kids. And I don't I
don't know that's something that the parents made up or just the because they had
like six kids this family. I don't know if the older kids made it
up just to fuck with the younger kids. Yeah, but it was a
life like as long as we knew him, like in July, Ugan spot
time Like it was a real thing, and they genuinely would like worry about
Ugan Spat. That's great. Wow, that's a good way to make sure
that the niceness of your children keeps going through the whole year. Oh yeah,
because I mean, dude, I mean December twenty six. I'm gonna
go gut a cat because I got what I needed out of this, right.
But you know what, though, I know that like the cramps knocked
being on the fifth, that's that's twenty days. There's a twenty day window
from when the threat of punishment is gone to when the gifts arrived. I'll
tell you what I did see something that that said he would also take kids
down to the South Pole to his ice caves to work and make toys for
the good kids and then bring them back on before Christmas Day work rotation.
Yeah, but the thing is it was elf time. So to the kids,
they've been there for years and years and then they come back and it's
just been the twenty days. Ah, that's particularly insidious. Well played,
Crumpus, Oh Crumpus, you old goat. Oh man, I like that.
I like I like that was a lot of holiday cheer. Yeah,
silly stuff. Well, uh, I think let's let's call that. Let's
call that an episode. And yeah, I mean, you can't beat a
crumpus. Don't Russia. Crumpus beat you with Luton. Let's let's get some
ponds in here. Yeah, it's just some pons. Why don't you lead
it off, mister Flora. Well, I have a winter folk dance called
the Yule Clog. That's terrible. That is you know what I let off
with that one, so I didn't have you'll clog. I've got I've got
a product I've marketed towards kids in late November. It's Uncle Scratchy's crampas Bait.
It is actually a life sized doll so that the crampas you can be
as bad as you want. The crumpas will seize the doll. It's crampas
bait. Yep, it's not a pun, but it's an important product,
because I enjoy important products. Uncle Scratch's crampas Bait. Do whatever you want
all year. Uncle scratch has your cover. Oh that's great, just like
the phrase crompus baits. It's the scapegoat of the holidays. Oh see,
you're better at whatever? All right, Um, So my next one is
an escort service. Oh this is gonna be so great, called hump Us.
They all still have cloven hoofs and long claws. Yeah yeah, hump
us. All right, I terrible, Okay, I've got one. I
think that people have seen the Nutcracker for far too long. But there is
a new holiday musical that you can see and it's called It's it's very percussive.
There's a lot of a lot of beats in it, and it's called
cromp I get it. Yeah, yeah, I see what. I see
what you were trying to get done. They take the the birch baskets off
the back. Yeah, they tie them to their feet and plays start going
clump. Their sticks are are birch switches. Awesome, and your admission is
free. If you just they're having a child drive, just bring a kid,
put them in the bin, Yeah, perfectly can. But if you
yeah, it all helps, It all helps. So that's um, that's
you'll the you'll tiede and in an a scary nutshell. That's what Christmas means
to us, A scary winter nutshell. That's awesome. And crumpus Yeah,
everybody, everybody make that a make that happen absolutely, Yeah, spread the
crumpas and and most importantly, have yourself a very terrific christ moss. Yeah,
have it. Have a happy new Yeah, and you can have you
can also enjoy a rock in Hanukah. Yeah, um, crazy quanza.
Um, and I don't know you tell me, Flora, what are the
Wickens up to? I want them to have fun? Well, have a
yeah, wickens have a cool ule? Oh nice? Yeah, I also
want you to have a cool yule. I'm not against you Wickens. You're
not hot. I think they can prove you wrong. Don't let me down.
Wi. I'm I am in a great situation. I'm in a win
win because either I'm right or we meet some hot wickends. Uh. Well
played. Yeah, so that's I'm doing all right. My Christmas is off
to a great start. Make make the Yule tide happy by visiting blurry photos
dot org and getting to our Facebook page and liking that. All we want
for Christmas is reviews and likes. Yeah, review us on iTunes, Radius
and all that good stuff. All us on Twitter, Blurry Underscore Photos.
Yep, we actually have some feedback. I love feedback. Thank thank god.
We have some feedback from our Alister Crowley episode whoa, Hey, welcome
aboard. No. I love it when people start over or just start or
just start period. Yeah. So the comment that that we were left comes
from listener Oliver, and Oliver says, do what they'll wilt does not mean
do what you want. It means follow your true will in life, doing
what you're truly meant to do in life in order to attain happiness slash love.
People that are not following their true will are miserable, but don't know
why that's cool. He also says also the Barbara Bush connection is a myth,
and tell Dave number two that ac Astir Crowley's name is pronounced Crowley.
I'm gonna take issue on two points here. Well, first of all,
I'll finish. I'm gonna let you finish. Oliver also says that he blames
Ozzie for that for oh the Ozzie Osbourne song. Well, there's what I
take issue with. First of all, since when do the secondary day?
When did that happen? Oh no, I get that that actually makes perfect
sense. Second of all, yeah, sorry, I said it wrong.
That's just me being um. I don't even I don't even listen to Ozzy
Osbourne, so I don't even have that crutch to fall onto. What's too
bad is that those are two mistakes in one episode that you one you called
yourself out on one that one of our dear listeners has called you out.
Well, I imagine that I could make two mistakes in an episode without anything
happening and whatsoever. I imagine there's probably no negative consequence of that, right,
but there is. Oh no, we are instituting something called the penalty
box. Oh no. Where have we put the headphones on the offending podcaster?
Yea? And the offending podcaster has to listen through the headphones as we
record. And because we're such a ghetto set up, this does not bode
well for said podcaster because there's such a delay in what comes through the mic
and goes to the headphones. It is the most crippling thing. We mess
with this every single time we're setting up to record, because this part of
your brain says, no, I can overcome this. We your fractional second
delay, but it doesn't. It makes you incapable of speaking clearly. Side
effects include prolonged vowel sounds and slurred speech. Not joking. So, all
right, I'm going in the penalty box. Headphones are on. Okay,
there there's a little bit yep. Okay, I have placed the headphones on.
I am in the penalty box. You can't speak. David Flora is
selecting your monologue from monologues for the young actor. They just said, yeah,
young actor, or the delay is pretty good, it's pretty good.
Yeah good. Let me find a let me find a good one here.
Oh man. But you know this just encourages people to point out when we
make mistakes. I'm fine with that, all right. Here's a monologue from
The Glass Menagerie. Stecca will be performing the role of Tom in this.
What are you thinking, I'm at honest, supposed to have any patients to
reach the end of Mother. I know, I don't know. It seems
sounds important to you what I'm doing, what I want to do, having
a little difference between them. You don't think that. Listen. You think
I'm crazy about the warehouse. You think I'm in love with the condimentals shouldn't
make is I sound drunk? That's right, all right, you can come
out of Thank god. Oh man, that is so hard to do.
It makes you sound like you're completely trash. It's it's true, that's but
that's what happens now on that's the horror of the penalty box. If I'm
trying to stop too much. I'm trying to speak now because I thought,
like, what if somebody thinks no, they just got me drunk and then
I had to record or something. No, no, that's just having headphones
on and that's the penalty box. Thanks and send us, send us some
feedback, send us something, get us, get it. Keep the puns
coming. Thank you, punters. Yeah, keep puns coming. And if
you if you have any suggestions for anything you'd like us to cover in the
in the near future, in the new year, We've got a whole year
of this stuff. Keep people. So yeah, we're gonna we're gonna keep
plugging along here like we do. So for this episode of Blurry Photos,
I have been the wicking loving David Flora, and I shall remain the wicked
skeptical David Stack up the