Welcome to soft Core History. What is up, guys? Welcome back to
softcore History. I am your host and a ghost for the week, Rob
Fox, because I'm coming to you from the past. I'm the ghost of
Christmas Past this week. That's right, Rob, because we are giving you
that's Jake Goldman, showned by him and Dan Regester. As always, we
are giving you a special sneak peek into a Patreon episode from the past for
our Christmas Week episode. Because believe it or not, we don't really want
to work this week. We took a week off. We did. We
took a week, Yeah, we did. Sorry guys, we were like,
no, I have only want to apologize to our Patreon listeners who were
like, hey, I've heard this months ago. I heard this. Listen
technically this would come out Christmas Day. You ain't listening, no, And
if you are, thanks, Oh my god. Yeah. There's some dogs
that are at the house that isn't where people are eating Christmas dinner. I'm
looking at the numbers though right now. It's just not worth it. Juice
is not worth the squeeze. You didn't make it worth it. I think
it's it's really you know, I don't know, maybe if you told more
people about us, join the Patreon Yeah yeah, Patreon dot com slash Software
History is where you can get episodes like this all the time. It's five
AD free though it's AD free on the wall here today, No, not
at all. Here. We're loading this bitch with that, backing it up
with ads. We got Christmas resis to pay for. But it's five dollars
a month to get two extra episodes a week, including an episode like this,
fun stuff, you know what I mean. We do watch along voicemails,
game shows, all kinds of stuff like that, as well as regular
episodes like we do on the main feed. This specifically is a game show
though, Yes, so I really liked this episode prob through a curve ball.
Yeah, was not normally not in Rob's repertoire of episodes to throw a
game show us. I didn't or normally I don't. Yeah, so tested
and what was it? Who is the better father? Between me and Jake?
It was? Yeah, So the game show is who is the better
father? And Dan and Jake we determine who the better father is between the
two of them children here, so I'm the perfect judge of this. It
makes total sense. So I asked them questions best about best parenting practices from
the past, right, Like, for example, if Timmy gets trampled by
a trolley, do you give him laudanum, do you bring a priest to
read him his last rites? Or do you make him sit in a corner
until he heals? Or snort mercury? Yeah, one of those probably,
But really it's based on real parenal, real insane parenal advice from mostly the
nineteenth, eighteenth, and nineteenth century. And I make Dan guess, Dana
j guess which is the real answer, which is just some insane shit I
made up, and believe it or not. It's it's really hard to tell.
It's really hard to tell a fucking difference. It's insane. How many
times you would think mercury was not an answer. I'm not giving anything away.
It's always mercury. Mercury's in a lot. It affected so much of
our yeah, our lives in the past, it really did. It comes.
It's a tight game. It's a fun game. It is very tight.
The lead changes a lot, yeah, a lot of lead changes,
a little back and forth, and without further ado, here is who is
the better father? What is up. Welcome back to the softcore history Patreon,
and let me just express my love for you are paying listeners. My
god, you make our lives just a little bit easier, and we want
to make it easier. Still, tell your friends that this is the only
content they need to be paying for in the world. I am joined as
always by my co host Dan Chester and Jake Goldman. I am Rob Fox.
We have one dying cricket. I hear it in the corner, but
we're just for strout like what we didn't But yeah, as a studio,
we sprayed. I have the salt gun, thanks to Guess. Thanks Gus.
What's fucked up is the light that's on me. There's like ten dead
crickets in it. There really is. There's it's like four or five.
But yeah, they get it. Oh one still that poor bastards still alive
in there, like starving to death, trying to figure out how the fuck
he got in there. He's like, why is the sun so close?
Yeah, but yeah, it's kind of like a nineties, shitty nineties house
where the fluorescent box light as like nineteen bugs in it. Yep, yeah,
that's what we lived in. Several of those in this century. Yeah,
our apartment certainly had those. Yeah yeah. Oh, if you're a
Patreon subscriber, guess what. We have three new T shirts and you get
twenty percent off of them with the code softy. That's s O F T
I E. I buy some merch buy some merch ahead, and then Discord
give us some my dance for T shirts. I'll make them, Dan,
We'll make whatever you want. It is free for us to produce these shirts.
Be our billboards. I always see these. There's like someone who lives
in around me. Uh does the car billboard? Yeah, you know what
I mean, our cars. We're not really our money on ane of this.
We'd rather you just wear the shirt. Yeah. No, they're all
printed on demand. They're really slim margin. We don't make a lot of
money. We just want you to support the podcast, so it takes twenty
percent off and get a shirt. Yeah. We wouldn't get multiple shirts and
then take that twenty percent off, you know, but yeah, yeah,
even more even better, like we it's really we just want y'all rep us.
We have really good sweatshirts too. Oh. The sweatshirts are fall winner.
I don't know why, no one really bought those. Hey, look
I'm wearing the soft on one of the soft coore hats right now. Yeah.
Yeah, A big fan of this one. This is actually I like
the Miami Heat one black and people back and pink. The Softcore History sweatshirt.
Though, we have one in like every color with just a white logo
on it. Pink. Yeahah, like any reason you want to get that.
I would say for those, though go a size up. I would
size I feel like everybody that gets a giant sweatshirt. Yeah, it's definitely
well. I bought a large and it was like a little snung at me.
Yeah. I gave it to my wife. Yeah, so go size
up. Sweatshirts in general, always size up. You always size up.
Don't we have a pink one? I just said it. Yeah, yeah,
I love the pink one. I like it, just like I like
my pink liquid Death sweatshirt. I might actually try to look for like a
champion sweatshirt or champion level'd sick. I mean we try to thought for ties.
Yeah. Giving out these sweatshirts, we did one thought well two thoughts.
No, we had like three or four Rachel Ashley and then one that
never wore it. Or got back. Yeah, I have another one.
We can send it to to thought for tizes advertise. I mean you Patreon
members, if you had, we'll have to approve it. But if you
got a thought in mind, you know that's depressing though, because what if
we don't if you and then they're like, that's my wife. Well,
and then that's a daily decision I had to make for just about to say,
didn you usually have the chai? And it was like way more depressing.
No, I had to model like every now and then someone However it
ended up to me in the eco departments. Thousands of women would have to
DM me every day trying to get Babe of the Day or on the TFM
girls account, Hey check it out, and I had to routinely deny them.
I understand that and check this out. I know you're paying to an
extent because before you worked there, when it was a skeleton crew like four
or five people, there would be days or mornings where you would have to
make like me or Dylan or Ross or whomever would have to manage photos and
like TFM girls on the site, and I too would have to. Yeah,
it was the first thing I would do in the morning. And it's
just like, yeah, this kind of you get jaded. Oh. I
was like, you're looking at it. I would look at like eights and
be like, no, you're like not even perfect exactly literally, like you're
not even perfect. And most of the girls didn't even go to college that
you would post. They would say fau Arizona State. It's like you and
LV, but they're seventeen and live in Las Vegas. Yikes, fucking it
was never we would we would age check verified. We did not post seventeen
year olds. Yeah, no, I just remember, I forget it might
have been you. Dan. That was just like the amount of submissions that
came through with like just tits out because it's like, oh, this will
help. I was super professional. I was, uh that's good. Yeah,
I was never sleazy about because there were chicks who were trying to test
your professional autism and be like, hey, I'll what do you need?
And again I never use that to my advantage. Just the one time,
total professional, just the one time. But that was he posted her before
that. You didn't know her before that. I didn't know her before that.
Yeah. Anyway, Dan uh made Ariana Grande famous, is what he's
trying to. I mean, anyone could have done it. Yeah, anyone
could. Anyone can. Uh. But yeah, I'm in the maximum article,
so we know you're in several articles, in a lot of articles.
You also never makes me look good either. You're also American journalists number one
in North Korea. It's true. Yes, I wear so many hats.
I'm trying to see. I just googled you. None of these articles or
what immediately comes out you work on that SEO brother, I know, well,
it's usually I think the first thing that comes up is laid off TFM.
Writer goes to Vegas with his severance. Oh here's a funny, one
total story move. I'm tired of being denied Babe of the day just because
I'm ugly. Ah, that was a Ari Ari not but not that Ari
not Ariana Grande. No, yeah, a girl that actually would totally be
baby of the day. Well, she also offered, this was like our
younger twenty days. She was a couple of years younger than me, but
like when I was like twenty five, she offered, She's like, fly
me and my friend out while with three something. I'm like, I wish
I had more money, I know, but also like it's really tough to
fly a sixteen year old out cause you gotta get parental permissions stuff like that.
She was twenty one amid the metric system. I don't think that works
the way you think. It wasn't a mac gad situation I was. I
was like twenty five. She was twenty one or twenty two. Yeah,
she was in college at one of those schools where it's like, it is
it a school? What was Chico? Yeah? Yeah, damn, we're
geting real personal with this person. She's great. She would just got engaged.
Actually she did. Yeah, I congrat's further. She's never gonna hear
this. You're never gonna have this, But so I like her, like
she's cool. It was totally cool, just good. I would tell her
that to her family. I would joke about that to her face. I'm
pretty sure she wrote this too, like everyone has to have their slut days.
You know, I don't trust anyone who doesn't have slut face. If
you haven't once just been like, I'm just gonna go on a tear.
Who are you, dude? I was talking to actually Ashley today, the
girl who did one of the girls who did model are clothes for us,
and she was talking about how she just knows so many divorced people because they
got they like married their college boyfriend or high school boyfriend. Because she's from
a small town. O. Happiest person I know though married uh his high
school sweetheart. I think that multiple kids, they never they each were their
first and last. That's a murder suicide waiting to happen. It all boils.
I always said that in God Like you got it, You're gonna have
to figure out some hobbies or something. It's called train sets down. This
dude just drives like four hundred yards off the tee pipes. It. No,
he works for like Tropicana. Oh, he's in Tampa. He's in
the countant. Tampa's like I think it's like Tampa and Miami are like two
of the highest cities for infidelity issues too, which is what Maybe they're just
in the lifestyle they aren't. I've always proposed it to them. What if
they're just denying it because they don't they don't want to give you the satisfaction.
We'll get into it. They'll get into it one day in Florida.
Absolutely, what was my TAKEFM is like ninety five percent couples eventually swinger cheat.
Yeah, you overshot that by quite a bit. I don't think so.
I think I'm on the right side of history. Married couples swing or
cheat or cheat. That's so fucking high. There's no way that's true.
I think it's true. Ninety five that's basically one hundred. That's and the
order I basically. The older I get, I believe it more and more.
You know, there's this thing such as when you walk into like a
swinger club. Yeah, they it changes. It might be confirmation bias,
it chang's your experience. Yeah, I think you're everyone you've ever seen get
married. I think I think you're saying I think your sample pool was tainted.
I was also being in Austin taints to the sample as well, because
it's a lot more prevalent here. There is a lifestyle thing here. I'm
sure it's I was the only no vote in the club. I was like,
don't let that trash in. Have you ever been on that app field?
No, okay, I don't even know what that is. I don't
know if you and your wife get down what is field? It's kind of
like a it's a swinger app it's not a swinger app Well, there are
swingers on the Apple playing the field. Yeah, okay, but it's it's
a kink app. Oh, so you go on and it's tender. But
and then people's like descriptions everything are all their kinks. Okay, Georgia is
on it all the time. I have no doubt I would get on there
and be like sex. That is where he's finding. That's where he's finding
all these cocks, because, uh, there's a lot of people that want
Georgia to bang their wife. Amongst the dB fan base, there's actually a
couple that comes in. Do they leave with them? Know them them?
Yeah, dude, the one that's like, oh yeah, Georgia is my
favorite, the one that brought the stuff, the desserts. Hopefully they are
not on the Patreon, but yeah, I'm under the belief that they would
be down. Probably. Well, he's got to keep a couple. He's
got a cute wife, and yeah, he's a good looking guy too.
So it is what it And actually that brings us to today's topic, families.
Yeah, good old American family values. So I've always thought that both
of you would make great fathers. I would really no Okay, I would
make a great father, not remotely, not remotely if I thought that about
either of me. Oh Jake, yeah me, I believe. What's more,
honestly, I'm trying to push up both ways where it's like, really
you thought i'd be a good father that I'm just so mean, where you're
like, what do you mean you don't think I'd be a good father.
No, I'm curious, out of the two of us, who's the better
dad. That's what we're gonna find out today. Let's go. I'm so
pumped for this though. I I love that I just put in this like
edible in my for the father quiz. So I'm already a point back or
maybe I'm a point a hut. No, my my father raised me high
the entire time. I think parents are high or drunk or drunk, Yes,
I can confirm the latter, certainly, pound like two bottles of wine
a night function an alcoholic. Your mom makes me feel better about myself because
I'm just like a lot my mom so much. She was a gangster,
though though she never got hung over, got up for work every day.
Yeah, man, remember the shed. She went from like a copy editor
to manager of the Americas for a global forecasting company, a global we forecasting
forecasting for like business insights them. Oh okay, well I didn't know what
she was forecasting? Is what I meant business the economy? Okay, I
know if it's like the white fruitful Okay. So she didn't really pop off
till I left the house, So that was right. It was empty nest
helps, I can tell you right now, I don't have a lot of
free time for work. Was I writing this as Rory kept running up to
me and smacking me in the face as a joke. But like, Mom,
yes, you can't make money while I'm actually under your roof. That's
kind of fucked up. No, it's not. It's makes up all the
sense in the world to me. And then my dad had the same job
since he was eighteen, lives in the same house that he grew up in.
Bought the house from his father. Uh, you know, my mom
was pretty similar. She lives within walking distance of her childhood home. That's
wild, bro, that's wild to me. And I went to the same
I went to the same grade school that my mom went to. In fact,
my the nun who was my principal, was her first grade teacher.
Sometimes you got to go back to move forward. And actually, my dad's
golf coaching high school. Awesome, my golf coach. That's pretty cool.
Same high school. I mean I grew where I went to school in my
like he hated this the hometown. He hated me initially because he hated my
dad and we had the same name. Okay, that's funny. But like
I got called my dad's name by teachers that were really old because they at
my dad's high school. That's funny. Yeah, so your dad grew up
in O'calla. My family's been there a long time. Okay, Yeah,
there's a block named after it, after my family. There's Goldman's Block downtown.
Oh, I thought it was jew Avenue. We're gone a rock down
to jew just the one. I just assume you're the one Jewish fan.
But no, no, but a cal is the one spot in Florida where
I'd be like, probably hide that, nah dude. Horsetown Mainland. Yeah,
but horse stage money there. Horsetown. We got a fancy area.
It's significantly fancier than every other place around in central Florida. Yeah, I
fucking imagine, Yeah it is. It is the seat of Marion County.
But anyway, we're gonna test your ability as parents today to see who the
better father is, specifically who would be the better parent in the nineteenth century
more or less, but really through history. A lot of this comes in
the nineteenth century. So it's gonna crush this. So I'm gonna quiz you
on parental advice from history, mostly the nineteenth cent show that I'm a better
father than Rob who has to two kids. Can't even say children. You
can't say children hard to come out of my mouth. Yeah, yeah,
I respect that over So, I just found a bunch of stuff from history
in terms of like parental advice, stuff like that, and I need you
to mind the depths of your paternal instincts and see whoever gets you know,
and whoever gets the most. It's like multiple choice, what is it?
Yeah? Multiple choice? Okay, Okay, there's no way you would get
this without one. I mean, it's this is like it's probably can fire
from the hip and get a couple. Yeah, I got my gun for
the nineteenth century. Dan crush, I'm sure, I'm sure. And I
feel like Dan is at I feel like you're at a disadvantage because Dan is
a psycho. Yeah, I'm going to answer, and you know what,
I'm going to answer how I would answer for like what I believe and not
how I think i'd win this. Okay, just for you. Yeah,
No, I'm not gonna like cater to Rob. Sure, I'm just myself.
Okay, So let's get to the first question. The minds they should
work there they heard? What way that might come up? Okay? Question
number one in the eighteen eighty four book A Few Suggestions to Mothers on the
management of their children, The author suggests, what which of these instruments should
you use to punish children? Okay? So are we going jake me or
like? Is our order? Just kind of scream it out? We'll go
back and forth. So I flipped a coin before the episode did, so
that didn't happen. Dan, I'll let I'll go. Dan, I'll let
you go first because you have the Hubris cool Which of these should be used
upon his children? A A thin strip of old leather. B A flexible
branch or twig, see a carpet slip. I'm gonna go full Adrian Peterson,
give me that switch. I'm actually gonna go with the thin strip of
leather. No, I think it's a tree branch. I think there's something
a little bit more distinguished, Like I don't want my child to feel like
I'm beating him with trash, So the thin strip of leather shows that it
is an instrument of discipline. Jake is on the board. The branch was
not suggested. Carpet slip was also a suggestion. We ignored it. So
there were two right answers, and Dan didn't get any of them right.
I would think tree branches were a little bit more available to everybody. I
think there was quite a bit of leather. Not everyone could afford the leather.
The carpet slip, I think, yeah, it was not necessarily.
We're also going on this book is probably for a higher client fell and it's
ignoring blue collar America. Yes my picture. I'm sorry, but sure it's
the nineteenth century. The fuck do you think you're doing reading? It's like
I actually use the bones of my children that didn't make it from the switch,
the children that are alive. Yeah, I think it's like I have
to go into it. Well, if I'm beating the kid, what am
I beating them with? I'm proving that I'm a better give me that Louise
Strap and more read Like, I'm not regional, I'm just a better Allay,
what's the score? Not the Jake for your elitist book? Oh no,
Dan thinks all books are elitist, so it's not kind of a movie.
Let time you read a book, Jake, you know, damn well,
it was like three weeks ago, one a year. I am on
three, I am on Carthur just wants to be destroyed blood Meridian, you
know what. It just depends. Like my wife reads a lot of books,
but and I like, don't I'll give her ship here because you didn't
listen to it. And She's like, I read all the time, and
I'm like, yeah, but it's like arbage airport novels. So I don't
really know. It's like book of the month fiction. You can just do
so many better things with my time. I don't even have a lot of
free time. Sure, dude, I don't care. I'm also a sucker
for required reading, like I do try to read great American novels right right
right. And also if I am writing, I don't want to infiltrate my
brain with other people's work. I'm I do agree with that that you you
need to stay away from. Well, that's why I don't listen to podcasts.
I don't listen to podcasts. That's why I I really I never when
I worked at TFM, in particular, I never read other people's stuff there
unless I was forced to edit it. Yeah, because I because you don't
want to, because you probably would have blown your brains out, because you're
like, damn, Dan's such a better writer than me. Alright, shit,
parent, Let's see the next one. Uh question number two, according
to Castle's Household Guide, with what could possibly uh encourage dishonesty in young children
encourage them to be a liar? A playing with children of other races?
Yes, it's my turn. It's it's eighty hunts. Yes, B not
being baptized. C being overly artistic. Oh it's see, it's c man,
it's misrepresenting reality art, it's a all of all those things. It's
see it's a Jake is up, dude, and nothing like of all the
things like, I just don't like the racist thing. No, Like,
they're gonna understand how our household works regardless of who they play with. And
then two, like what was the other one? Not being baptized. That's
never been a problem. It's always a problem not for lying art boy.
The book said, any glaring disproportion in figures that they draw or whatever should
be explained to a child, and he should be encouraged to make his little
imitations as much like nature as possible. So you don't Picasso that face.
It's definitely like a take on the nineteenth century art style too, where it's
like very widely just realism, Like I would think, yeah, so this
book, man, I forget when Castle's let me look. Actually, hey,
film boys, that sound red art man, let me get in ze.
So this is eighteen sixty nine, so I think this is kind of
right at the beginning of Impressionism. Maybe, yeah, it's not quite which
Impressionism in eighteen sixty nine was like jazz in nineteen twenty. Yeah, yeah,
so but like that art like van Gohen and stuff like that that it's
like eighteen seventies. Yeah, Monet, that's up. So they hate the
jazz music though. Jake the races, Dick, I mean, you're not
you're not pretty pretty on point, amongst other things. Yes, but Jake
got weird that that's kind of like still a little prevalent under the scenes right
now. I think it's very un in the middle of the scenes. Just
it's such an old trope. But there's still so many people that are like,
Oh, I don't want to wrap them getting near my daughter. No
what Jake's alluding to, Yeah, what, I don't want those people getting
your mob. You're white girl. You know that is true. But at
the same time, I actually was, uh in my neighborhood the other day
and my neighborhood you're It's really funny, like I think there should only be
interracial couples. I think it should be illegal to marry your race. I
throw throw me in solitary confinement. I mean you kind of already have by
marrying who you married. Essentially, it's like a girl old mirror. Yeah,
you look into every day. If you want to know how much of
a narcissist I am. He married girl, Rob fuck yourself. I need
some flair, though, I need some Latin flair. I need some Asian
flair. ABG love me and ABG, which is funny because the most serious
closest girl you ever had with the whitest one you dated, I know.
And also that's why it didn't work though it could have been perfect. But
yeah, if she was, you know, a little Latina, you're racist.
I am. I guess whites. I don't care if you hate Portugues.
Dan hates white women. Yeah. I always have to explain it the
case, like he doesn't not like you, he just hates you because you're
white. Right, it's the blonde hair. Yeah, it's not good.
Yeah, and it's and it's not even like it's not even like curly blonde
hair. Right, she has straight blonde hair. No, my hoping,
I'm dunking on Hitler. I'm just dunking on them. Right. What was
her maiden name? That's not German? That was it? Please bleep that?
Oh yeah, sorry, we'll bleep that. But her maiden name is
not it's not going to bleep that. I see it in his face right
now. That okay, it doesn't even but like her, it's not German
unless she anglicized. Exactually, my name, I will write it down on
my notes. That was in the twenty fourth minute. Thanks guys. No,
but it's English. Okay, Well my name though, Fox is English,
but it was we anglicized it before World War or during World War One?
Oh no, it was the German five. I'm very sure hers is
very occupational. Oh what is that? I can't say it. I guess
it is exactly what you think it is. Oh, that's funny. She's
from poor stock. Damn, let me keep beating Dana this name the bleep
doubt. Yeah, she's from all Right, I'm gonna where you been.
I'm gonna say this essentially, and this won't give it away. I mean,
maybe someone can google it, but I think it's worth saying your wife
is descended from truckers. Okay, kinda, I'll stand in the paint for
my wife right now. Is she pissing in jars and jugs and leaving on
that truck stops. No, that's definitely more of a me move. Actually
shouts the piss jug I did one time on a gravitate. I had a
piece so bad on the way back from a woodser. Do you see that
mascot, the piss jug mascot. No, what there's a is a manor
League baseball team. No, it's to advocate for piss, for truckers to
stop leaving like gallon jugs, a piss that truck stops. Hey, maybe
that's on the trucking company, not the truckers. What's his name? Is
a piss juke piss jug man couldn't get better? Yeah? What was pissy
mcpisser face taking right, like, yes, this is it? Right?
Yeah, there he is, angry pissed bottle man. I one t I'm
on the way, like, not even on the way back yet from the
Woodsard. We were getting on the bus of the Woodsard. I didn't want
to run outside and Pete I was like, so I pissed him at Bubba
Keg and then I just threw it out the window. Oh and then can
I tell you how many times I'm not telling with the story, someone came
like, hey, someone left this bubba keg and no one claimed it because
I knew it was full of piss. Yeah, and some dude in others
like, yeah, it's mine. Oh no wait, actually that's awesome.
I was just like, did you get to see it? Did you drink
it? I couldn't see what happened, But he got a fucking bubbicg full
of piss and he drank it. He had five woods or yeah, that's
awesome. You know it would be like that at a pie five woods or
sometimes really do uh question our way back from Alabama, Georgia. I think
pissed no less than twelve times in the back into a uh Gettoray bottle and
then absolutely yes, I was getting into the third question here. According to
the eighteen thirty eight book Fireside Education, the following could lead to an early
death in a child. A too many friends, B learning too much ce
milk from Jewish farms. Okay, it stands first, So I think the
first two. You can make an argument for both. You have too many
friends, more opportunity to get into some some should should cannery. Yeah.
I like how you're thinking it through now because you're mad, you're down to
nothing. Yeah, I am in the second. I was trying to play
the game. Second option and too much knowledge. Can I tell you what
I pick? Which causes depression, which causes more suicide? I'm going with
B. I'm going with A. Too many friends because children are up to
no good and you can only trust your own child. And if you let
them run around with other kids, other kids, you don't know the household
they're running. I think you need to know your place in society. You
get too big of a head, you forget that and it causes you to
potentially put yourself in situations that are dangerous. Okay, what's the answer?
Final answers b I'm ay, Jake is not gonna have to worry about dying
because he's not so smart. Dan got it right. Oh, Okay,
being too smart could lead to an early death for a child. I'm gonna
quote the book here. While the book claimed to talk about a real case
of a boy who learned too much too young and died because of it.
While the boys hence, well, we talked about a big head. While
the boy's head grew rapidly and at last became enormous, his limbs became shrunken
and almost useless. His mind was too advanced, and at the age of
eight years he was indeed a pig, a prodigy. At ten he died.
Okay, hold on, I'm not done. Premature fruit, the book
said, never ripens. Well, oh my god, dude, that's so.
It's literally like a brother's grim fairy tale example. The boy put too
much knowledge in himself, they fell over and died. That's from someone that
literally thinks the more you learn, the bigger your head actually gets. Yeah,
Like the brain is a muscle what do you think the giant peach was
with James? It was this big old ass. It was his knowledge.
No, big old ass, this is his big old juicy boy ass.
James and his giant peach. Mm roll doll known pedophile. Yeah, I
mean just kidding. I don't know if he really did like little Orange I
mean orange round. I'm back on the board. One, come for that
ass. Yeah the speech, yo, ass in trouble now we have to
let's get in the next one. Air. Uh. Stickney and Pores pure
paragoric syrup was a popular medicine for coughs, colds, and to calm fussy
babies. What were its two most important ingredients? A laudanum and cocaine,
B mercury and hemp oil C alcohol and opium. Okay, it's my answer.
First, What is the name of this oil? Not the brand name,
but the oil of the syrup? You mean, yeah, what's the
name of the syrup Stickney and pores pure paragoric syrup? Paragoric? And what
were the answers? A laudanum and cocaine, B mercury and hemp oil see
alcohol and opium peragoric. I'm trying to think of what that means. I'm
gonna go with what the cost syrup was for everybody, which is like,
uh, when was the last moment? More time? Alcohol and opium.
See, I would agree with Cee because I'm just thinking codine coding's and opiate.
Yeah opiate. Yeah, you are both correct. See is the answer?
Alcohol and opium is what they gave two babies when they were fussing.
Well, my math is better, so I get more points if I I
showed my work, much like in our main episode where I think you should
get three days in the woods to grieve. Yeah. Now, I also
think like if I got fussy at work, if someone gave me a little
alcohol and opium, that would be great, be knocking out. I sometimes
do drink a beer here when I get annoyed. Do you shoot up to?
Oh no, it was just quite often he gets annoyed, very often.
Shooter shoot, shooter shot gets very drunk. Yeah, can we get
Can we get a T shirt with someone spiking up and it's just a shooter
shoes shoot your shot? What if it's a long sleeve tea and it says
on the sleeve shooters shoot and it's just a yeah, fucking syringe going right
in there. I'm not a fan. Yeah, we can't see that.
They joke about opioids all the time, and I'm just like, yeah,
I've had a couple of friends just like, yeah, we all it's almost
cancer at this point where it's like, here's fine a joke about cancer because
we all know I've had too many. Yeah, I don't care for it
fair enough. The Philly Florida pipeline, they just figure out how that's how
the kid from fucking what's it called, uh euphoria? Yeah, oh,
believe it or not, there's fentanyl and his coke. Crazy? Yeah,
who could have guessed? Uh? Next up question? In a similar vein,
tapeworm was a problem for children at the time, still to this day.
I guess maybe a little bit. If you'll let them do whatever they
need to do to get tape worm, them get too smart, you know.
Yeah, what was in the nineteenth century the best way, or I'm
sorry, the best thing to drink to get rid of tapeworm a turpentine b
ethanol C mercury. I believe it's Jake t first to dance you first,
A turpentine b ethanol C mercury. I don't know what turpentine is. Mike
molloy does. It's like paint removed, paint thinner, thinner mm hmm.
I'm gonna gomer ethanol. Mercury just seems a little too out there compared to
turpentine. Yeah, I guess you're right. I'll go paint thinner. I'm
gonna go You know what, both seem insane on an c you know,
it's probably one of those two. But I'm gonna go with ethanol just because,
like, I think they knew that turpentine. I feel like any for
eight year old, like any amount of turpentine is probably fucking awful. It's
like two year old, eight year old whatever. Yeah, like I think
that's enough to kill them in my mind. And then mercury, I feel
like they kind of knew already from the hat or shit mad hatter. Yes,
I'm gonna go with ethanol. B Dan has tied it up. Turpentine
is what the children would drink to get rid of tapeworm. They yearn for
the paint thinner for the time, time for time. Yeah. Uh,
that's insane. It's so insane. It strips paint. Yeah, it's varnish,
right, I mean, it's kill tapeworm. It's the most nuclear option
for that. Like it's like it's essentially like chemo is safer for the right.
It essentially made them. I think it was like it gave them like
horrific diarrhea and they thought they like shit the worms out. But I mean
tape worms do come out of your butt. Yeah, I guess that does
make sense. So it's three three three three after uh five? Oh yeah,
because you both got we got the same. Yeah. Yeah. Number
six is next. In the nineteenth century, children were told or the parents
were told to have their children avoid what colored toys because it would kill them?
A black, B, green, C? Yellow? Oh what colored
toys kill them? I feel like the easy answer is black here, But
for some reason I want to say see yellow. Yeah, I feel like
rob through in black as just kind of like the low hanging fruit, like
just come on, grab it, are grabbing it. Sometimes the lowest hanging
fruit is the taste, but not here. I think Green's dumb and won't
know he's boxing me out yellow. Perhaps the Asian connection just thinking it through
live on air. Yeah, I mean that's fair. I like the commentary.
I do like Dan showing his work, you get more points. I'm
gonna go yellow. No, he's boxing me out. You both said yellow.
Yeah, I'm not gonna go with an answer. I don't believe him.
Yeah, that's fair, you gotta answer. I'm going with. I
think they had a distrust of Asian culture and the Chinese especially, and I
think any toy that was yellow was symbolic of the Asians. Yellow yellow.
Yeah, it is be green because the die was filled with arsenic Ah huh,
they're gonna no on it now. Then they figured that out because everyone
wearing green shit kept dying and the people working in the green die factories kept
fucking dying. It's like the uranium girls. Literally. Yeah. Yeah,
So no points there. It's still three two three in the race to see
who would be the best father in history. God, if we come out
tied, it's just gonna prove your point more. I hate that one of
us has to take a dive soon. There's plenty, there's plenty of questions
left. Okay, cool, Yeah, you got plenty of time. Good
rob a zero. Yeah, I'm counting right now. We're beating whoop in
his ass, dude. I mean, I know the answers to all of
these, but you don't. You should rob them before he looked them up
though, that's the problem. Uh. Number seven. This relatively common medical
practice in the nineteenth century and earlier, but in the nineteenth century, was
done to quote unquote prevent deaths for babies. A slicing open their gums in
order to let baby teeth grow in unimpeded. B Providing a daily low dosage
of mercury in order to increase their tolerance to tainted water and air. C
several weeks of blood letting after baptism in order to cycle out their non Christian
blood. All right, so it's my turn. Yeah, sea's outrageous.
That's not real. B. We've been kind of fed a bunch of mercury
breadcrumbs up into this point, kind of to throw us off the scent.
But I think this is the case where the mercury thing is correct. I'm
gonna go B believe it or not. I'm actually going B too, because
I think it's referring to homeopathy, which is stupid, but it's when you
do a super diluted amount of something to cure you, like to a point
where it's not acting. And at this point beloved that in it's probably not
considered like common practice. And the gums thing just sounds like something Rob made
up out of his sick, twisted head. Yeah, yeah, he probably
did to his own child. Yeah, I'm going with B. We're both
going B. It's a they would cut the baby's gums open in order to
let the teeth grow in unimpeded. Damna, we picked up that breadcrumb,
we did? We hook line and seek. It's like, actually, they
used mercury all the time for medicine. I just that just hasn't meant an
answer to anything yet. Yet he's setting us up for more failure, he
is. But yes, on you. Now, this started in the fifteen
hundreds, I believe from what I read where a physician in the fifteen hundreds
obviously, the genius that he was, couldn't figure out any other reason that
the baby died other than after he cut open his gums, the teeth kind
of pushed out a little bit, and he was like, oh, well,
if the gums had just been cut open and the teeth came out,
he wouldn't have died. I mean, this is in the golden age,
and by golden age of medicine, I mean, the humorous Golden age of
medicine. Yeah, it was just we're throwing oy and somehow that stuck for
another four hundred years, what three hundred years? I'm sorry. Holy people
were doing this in the nineteenth century, and it started in the fifteenth fifteen
hundred, so the sixteenth century. Jesus, that's insane. Yeah. People
would just be like, oh, I think there might be a tooth coming
in, and they would cut the gums open to let the teeth come in,
and then you pour bourbon on it. Yeah. Right, And I
can't stress enough slicing your baby's gums open not good for it. I gotta
ask this of you two, because you come from different parts of the country.
But like in the South, there was very much, like in a
non joking way of like rub some bourbon on their gums for the teething.
Is that common in the Midwest. I think my grandma recommended my mom do
that, and I'm sure your mom was horrified by it. Yeah, yeah,
no, I think it was like that age gap. But my grandma
also thought that my mom not using formula was stupid. That's a weird one.
That doesn't trans that that is like non time specific. It's more just
that's like cyclical. Yeah, it's where that was like a miracle for probably
people my grandmother's age. You know, why was your grandmother such a shill
for gerber or Naslie she's anslie show. She would tell me, she would
tell me you're beautiful, no matter how big you are. Grandma's love big
children. What do they do? But we were Irish, so she wasn't
a good cook. So do you want boiled potatoes again? No, she
was a great cook. It was just the cuisine, really, yeah,
the cuisine was a problem, to be honest. You guys are still tied
at three in the father race. Neither of you really give it getting a
leg up on the other in terms of who would be the better father.
Turn though number eight. This practice was encouraged in order to keep children from
becoming spoiled a god A shaking their hand in the morning instead of hugging or
kissing them, b holding them as little as possible, c randomly skipping meals.
That's hilarious, see as funny as shit, Like I just kind of
want to break that down for a second. From intermittent fast as the babies,
like from a situational comedy point of view, like the dad's like,
all right, this dinner, no dice, it's not happening. He knows
he's too loved. No dinner for you, bitch, Like, no,
it's funny as hell. I Well, the first one was the handshake,
right, A shaking their hand in the morning instead of hugging or kissing them,
B holding them as little as possible. See randomly skipping meals. I
think A and B are pretty close, but I think it's A just because
it's kind of like that grind mentality of like get to the mines, boy,
shake my hand, like, all right, off to work with you,
Off to work with me. We'll shake hands like men. I'm gonna
go with what my family often did. B hold you as little as possible.
I could definitely see that being the answer to well, you are both
correct. Ah, it was A and B. This was advice offered.
I didn't write down the book. I forgot the book. There's advice offered
though, to not spoil your child, don't show them affections, so just
treat them like a business Partner'd be like, good morning to you, sir.
If you they said, if you have to kiss him. You can
kiss them on the forehead to tell them good night, or the pecker just
say good morning. If you showed them too much affection, they would become
spoiled. I think it's something like a spoiled child as a tyrant or a
little tyrant or something like that. I mean truth, truth, it's fair,
that's fair. You know who you know who never eats his food that
we give him, Rory? You know who eats everything we put in front
of him. Finn, Finn because he doesn't feel that love. Yeah,
because Finn feels no love. Right, it's gonna be fat Finn. Now
you're gonna be fat. No, Finn's gonna be fat, chain smoking at
twelve. Oh, that's Finn's gonna be cool. Finn's gonna be dope and
dope white Jake, for sure. Rory's gonna be a little bitch, Rory.
Rory's gonna be the dancer he'll be. He'll be a little Broadway boy,
He'll be my dancer. I don't like that. Finn's gonna actually be
funny. Rory is high key hilarious because his bit is now as he just
says no to everything we say. Like Rory please get down. It'll climb
up to something horribly dangerous and we'll get down. He'll just look back at
us and go no, yeah, no. See he's getting easy laughs from
d And you would see you would if you watch Rory operate, you would
love him because he just tells me no constantly. Finn's my boy. I
went to Rory's birthday party. It was hot, all right, it was
hot. They didn't even throw a birthday party for Finn. It hasn't been
a one year yet, exactly. I haven't thrown a birthday party for Finn
fair enough. I mean it's factual, but he's got two on his zero.
We didn't throw Rory a second birthday party. Uh? Yeah he did?
Is that the brewery? What it's a birthday Rory? You just pound,
yeah, kind of pounding beers. I was hanging out with your aunt.
I know. It was awesome. Love ant Pat, Yeah a Pat's
great. Uh. Next up, we're still tied, still tied four to
four now, so we're moving a little bit ahead in history for the next
two, including this one. Obviously. In the nineteen sixties, doctor doctor
Walter Sackett wrote that parents should be as cold to their children as possible in
order to prevent them from becoming what gay communists? Yes, a communists be
homosexuals. See beat Nicks, Well are two answers. We already said it
before. Yeah, we beat it communists. You want gay? Yeah,
we gotta stick to it. I think it's all the above. But I'm
gonna go because what is a beat Nick but a gay or a gay communist?
Yeah, but I'm going gay. You're going with communists? Finally,
yes, Dan is in the lead. Oh if you love your sixties,
come on, if you love your child too much, yeah, they will
become homosexual comment just a communist actually, but seriously communist at that time.
What is a beat Nick but a gay communist? Yeah? Basically yeah,
it's a combo of the two. You should want to see. I'm the
better father right now, you are. You are out of the moment.
You are the better father. Relaship. It's gonna remain, dude. You
gotta get as many as a father's out as you can. Actually I accidentally
put that point in Jake's But again, I'm not a stepfather. I'm a
father that stepped up. You're stepping up right now. Who rescued? Who?
God? That's so much worse than the step up father. No,
they're equal. One's for a baby, one's a skin puppy. Yeah,
ones used for a dog. Yeah. We just wanted to make a skin
puppy T shirt. I love my skin puppies. Yeah. Number ten.
In the nineteen sixty six book Smoking in Pregnancy, The Politics of Fetal Protection,
what was recommended to pregnant women A one cigarette a day, B half
a pack a day. C. One may only subdue their cravings by being
in the room with other smokers. So secondhand smoke. I don't remember who's
first anymore. I thin it's your turn. What you guys get answer at
the same time last time? What year is this sixty six, nineteen or
eighteen nineteen, nineteen sixty six? So this would there were no packs of
cigarettes in eighteen sixty six, as far as I'm aware, just Lucy's yeah
pipes. I think this is after the Reader's Digest article comes out. So
I'm gonna imagine it's being in the room with second hand smokers. See,
and I'm gonna go because of that article, cut back half a pack,
half a pack of day is going to do it. Dan is building a
bit of a lead here. Oh no, he's up seven to five,
six to four. Okay, Dan is up seventy. How many questions do
we have left to four? We have one, two, three, four,
five, six, seven surmountable leads. Seven questions in surmountable lead.
If I play my card, okay, I think the person in the league
should go first and go Okay, yeah, they can't box. I'm fine
with that. Fair enough, fair enough, that was about to I was
about to play this strategically. I as soon as I ask how many were
left. As soon as I asked how many questions were left? I saw
you doing stats all right? So he has to answer first every time?
Yes, until until until Jake potentially chases it. Okay, number eleven.
Going back in time a little further now, back to the nineteenth century.
In nineteenth century England, women doing this were told that it might spoil their
breast milk. The following might spoil their breast milk, potentially make it poisonous.
A worrying, b reading, c working. They're all good answers,
they are. They are all kind of perfect in their own way. Let's
see worrying, reading, or working. It's three things I do every day.
Hmm. I don't think they're really really in the workforce too much,
and they would probably still allow them to cook and clean and that would be
their work. So I'm gonna write that off. Worrying, don't worry about
where I was last night? Yeah, that could probably spoil the milk.
I mean calling out their cheating husbands reading no time, I mean kind of
like the earlier answer, knowledge is poison and will kill you. So I'm
really between A and B. I'm gonna go I'm gonna go A, though,
I'm gonna go worrying because I think don't worry about where I was last
night. I actually too, am going worrying. That's Dan's answer. His
logic for the B and c answers is my same logic. It's like one,
they're probably not in the workforce that much too, we don't reading season
try to better yourself, but it's not worrying is something that I think you
guys underestimate. I'm gonna take both those answer already. I think you guys
do underestimate how much people including women read like serial novels and stuff. Back
then. I don't underestimate it. I think that it doesn't affect the man.
I'm still thinking from a patriarchical standpoint, but he's saying it's b you're
both correct, Oh, we're both right. Yeah yeah. No. Dan's
answer is his logic through the bass. We're worrying would spoil but possibly poison
their breast milk. They were also told to avoid crowded rooms. I assume
it creates anxiety. Maybe yeah, night, yeah yeah. Next step number
twelve, we actually have maybe some some sound advice here. Experts advised against
giving babies this substance to cure their flatulence. A morphine B laxatives C gin.
Okay, morphine laxatives gin, and this is to control their bowels farting.
They're farting, yes, gas yeah. Uh, laxatives seems too on
the nose. I'll go morphine. Fuck. I'm also going morphine because morphine
is a known constipator, So it would be like people knew it at that
time. So I imaginely be like, oh, we give him a little
morphine and cry as much he's not gonna poop, might put them out.
Yeah, it's it's but like chloroform, the baby all takes his one rang
can't fart if he can can't stay away. No, but I think it's
morphine too morphine. It's gin. Oh told him not to give him gin.
I love. What is the the think tank that came up with gin
for that? They were at this time, by the way, they were
more than allowed. They were giving kids morphine every fucking day. Big tank
Rey. Yeah, Tanker is like baby farting too much? Poor ma shot.
They're like, no, no, no, no, uh next up,
No, number thirteen. I'm good with that. Yeah, we have
five questions left. You gotta start firing other answers. Yeah, you can't
keep picking the same It's not advantageous kind of fucking. I know it's not
gonna be better for you to go first. No, No, it's better
I go first. But he needs to like if you you don't know,
I feel like you gotta go with I'm going with my heart right now.
But now I'm gonna go with my brain, so go Yeah, okay,
number thirteen. In the nineteen twenties, in order to have an attractive child,
women were advised to not do the following anal a think about ugly people
be read see ride on Trains. Go ahead, Dan, I want to
hear your logic, just for this too, especially about the trains one.
Yeah, they caught me off guard, but a kind of uh, too
random to not be the right answer. I think he's repeated reading so many
times. I get that you don't want your child to be a nerd,
and like, I mean, all the way up intil the there's literally already
been an answer where the child learning too much right makes them hideous, makes
them no, no, it makes them die early, but they die hideously.
Yeah, I get that. However, I mean, and you know,
all the way up until like the mid two thousands, if you wore
glasses and had your hair up in a ponytail, you were ugly, but
it was an easy fix, and that's how you became hot that so many
different movies. Notoriously, she's all that. I'm gonna go it's too it's
just too random to be the wrong. We'll go trains. Okay, So
I truly want to answer trains because I think the reason is the bumps will
make the baby bump. The jostling, yeah, the jostling, right,
But at this point, fuck, like, I don't want to give you
like any more of a lead. What was it? A A was thinking
about ugly people manifesting. Sure it's Dan though it's a thinking. Yeah,
thinking about ugly people will make your baby ugly. How often do you think
about ugly people? Though? I don't. Never, it never happened.
I'm never like they're ugly. We'll think about it though at the time you
go to you like, get avoid the freak shows. I get that that
type of thing. But no, randomly crosses your mind an ugly person?
No, never, never. Once Maybe it was more back then, more
ugly like when you're just thinking your daydreaming. And no, it's never an
ugly person that crosses your mind. There's never like that weird kid from classes,
like, hey, what are you up to in your daydream? No?
I haven't thought about you in years? Why are you here to?
Jake is one back? Now Dan's still in the lead as the better father.
I mean for really there were fourteen. Now this is from the twentieth
century. Bo I believe, post war my century. Yeah. Yeah,
it was once thought that routine bed wedding was a sign that a child was
destined to be what a a homosexual be, a communist? See a sociopath?
Okay, homosexual ce sociopath. We are all tied up. Yeah,
I actually know that. I didn't realize you would know that. What the
fuck? No, it's it's three. Actually it's a bed wedding, start
fires, yeah, and hurting animals are the three. I would have thought.
Sociopath though, So when was this question? This? Postwar? This
is like fifty six. I still thought this would have been like a newer
term. They wet the bed to put out the fire inside of them,
Like, I'm sure they knew what a sociopath was, but that's kind of
we kind of throw that around so often. Burn things to warm up the
coldness inside of them. They hurt animals to hurt the humans. We're tired,
We're tired all. So now Jake has the answer first. Yes,
is Jake's turn to answer? First? We have three questions left, the
best of three. Okay, for all the fucking marbles, and be really
disappointed. Now, not that not that you shouldn't answer the same if you
believe that the answer is correct, but obviously you both need to score points
and have the other person that score point. Yes, and okay, question
fifteen by six months old. According to our our old friend doctor Sackett,
Oh he's back. Uh, a child should be doing what A we're leieving
themselves in a toilet. Again, this is by six months old. A
relieving themselves in a toilet. B drinking coffee and eating bacon. C putting
themselves to bed. I'm gonna go see putting themselves to bed? Like wait,
no, by putting themselves to bed, do they mean like getting up
and going to bed or do they mean like falling asleep without the help?
Don't? Oh? No, no, no help. Well that's there's a
very clear reason why I'm asking that. I don't know when children walk.
Well, I was like, that's on you baby, dad, what do
you think it's walk? I don't know and a half two and a half,
either of you know. I'm gonna go with C. I mean your
kid getting even really talking and he's almost two. C. I mean I
want it to be B so bad it's not, but I want them to
want six month year olds just being a little Ron Swanson's six month olds just
crushing coffee and eating bacon. Uh no, I'll go A. We're leaving
themselves in a toilet. Yeah, it's B. Yeah, yeah, this
is a satirical book. It's B. Can't be right. The same guy
who said loving your children too much will make them a communist. Okay,
this is Ron Swanson's book. Yeah, like yeah, this dude, straight
up, I just answered B for the vibe. Okay, if this guy
shows back up, I know exactly how I'm answered. He doesn't. Unfortunately,
damn it, I might have to do a whole episode on doctor Sackett.
This is fantastic. You love him. What are you trying to make
him a red They said bacon should be by six to eight weeks old,
and then coffee was six buths, let's finish are they purreeing it? No?
No, let's finish this all right? Two left. Doctor Lambert Ott
in nineteen nineteen recommended what to cure weak children A A glass of red wine.
B spankings, c being made to sleep outdoors until the weakness ceased.
See, let me go B spanking. We're going spartan. I'm going spanking
just to toughen them up. It's a glass of red wine. Damn dude,
there's one question left to decide. Who's the better father. Yeah,
we might be tied. We might be. I could see that little like
liquid courage, you know. Yeah, yeah, he told him that you
weren't supposed to tell him it's red wine and say it's just a red tonic
like the fucking kids. Yeah, I know, oh yeah, clearly.
Oh good Now. I think this is such a great question to end on
because I think if either of you would be dads, you'd be girl dads.
I wouldn't mind being a girl dad, I honestly don't. I don't
understand the fucking big to do about it where they're like, oh, you
must have flicked up in your life. It's so stupid. I wanted a
girl in that way. Finn was a disappointment. Gut, Finn's gonna be
so rad. You gotta go for three. I know we probably will eventually.
Courtney's still wrapping her mind around it. But that's why I haven't got
snipped yet, m because I know she's gonna want this hot seamen. It'd
be weird if it was cold, it would be yeah, last question doing
These three things were thought by people in the nineteenth century. So in the
eighteen hundreds to bring on puberty too early in girls, A schooling, working
and over sleeping, B spending too much time around dogs, horses and oxen
se reading, attending parties, and the opera. I'm going with Bee.
There's something animalistic about the process that they think, like the livestock can affect
it. I don't know why. I just think it's be I agree with
that, but and that would be my answer, but for the sake of
us having a winner, the opera caught me off course. I'm gonna go.
See Dan is the better father, Let's go. I love that,
like because we both were on the same page about the livestock though. Yeah,
I thought it was for sure. I love that that just both rang
true in our heads. For no reason. I really thought that being around
animals would get one of you. It got me good. You get you
a father that screams, let's go when he wins. So Dan is the
better father according to this quiz, Oh, this is hardly better father.
No, I was proved it. I knew he believed it. Thank you
for listening to the Patreon hope you guys enjoyed this episode. But it was
illuminating on how to be a good parent in the last century. Zero.
Yeah, I got none. I got none. I'm so impressed that either
of you got that right. I was really worried someone was gonna say schooling,
working over, sleeping, No, no, no, Once you said
opera, I'm like, hmmm, light's going off. High light on my
arm, going off the high notes, just gonna spark those oves up exactly.
Yeah, it shatters the hymen. Actually, is that really what they
said? Crush him and gone cherry popped. That's all I got for Dan
Ridgester and Jake Goldban. I'm rob Fox. You just got softser bitches,