WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.000 --> 00:00:03.160 If you ask me what the secret of the good marriage is, treat each 2 00:00:03.160 --> 00:00:08.960 other like strangers. Do this and you will have the greatest marriage in the 3 00:00:09.000 --> 00:00:12.880 world. If you're hitting it off right, it becomes fun. Did you 4 00:00:12.960 --> 00:00:16.879 see your fun side early on? No? I wasn't so, I wasn't 5 00:00:16.879 --> 00:00:19.960 so much fun then, Okay, now you become more fun with time. 6 00:00:20.199 --> 00:00:23.480 Absolutely, there's no way for me to go out and find the husband. 7 00:00:23.480 --> 00:00:26.199 There's no way for the boys to find a wife on their own. So 8 00:00:26.239 --> 00:00:29.120 we trust our parents. Seems to be nerve wracking for a parent to make 9 00:00:29.160 --> 00:00:33.399 decisions for their children. We're not the big decision makers. Your marriage was 10 00:00:33.479 --> 00:00:37.439 arranged, right? No? No, no, no, what happened? 11 00:00:37.439 --> 00:00:42.000 We have arranged meetings, but not arranged marriages. About six months ago I 12 00:00:42.039 --> 00:00:48.520 introduced you all to Pearl, a proud and vibrant Hasidic Jewish matriarch, housewife, 13 00:00:48.640 --> 00:00:53.479 mother, grandmother, and Greek grandmother of the somethmore Hasidic sect. What 14 00:00:53.600 --> 00:00:57.079 I thought at first was going to be a casual look at her Hasidic home 15 00:00:57.359 --> 00:00:59.920 turned into so much more as she brought us, say, not just into 16 00:01:00.159 --> 00:01:03.239 or home, but also into her entire world and her values. And I 17 00:01:03.280 --> 00:01:07.920 think in the process she touched many hearts. And while there was a lot 18 00:01:07.959 --> 00:01:12.239 we talked about in that conversation, there was so much we hadn't discussed. 19 00:01:12.319 --> 00:01:17.879 And so I am so glad that Pearl agreed to speak with me again on 20 00:01:17.920 --> 00:01:22.680 some very big topics, and this conversation I'm again breaking up in two parts, 21 00:01:22.879 --> 00:01:26.920 and today I present you with part one, my discussion with Pearl on 22 00:01:26.040 --> 00:01:42.680 how marriages are arranged or not arranged in the Hasidic community. So much of 23 00:01:42.519 --> 00:01:48.200 Pearl's faith system was fascinating to me, but she wanted me to emphasize that 24 00:01:48.760 --> 00:01:53.840 she comes from the perspective not of a community authority, not of a sanctioned 25 00:01:55.159 --> 00:02:00.760 spokesperson, but rather a simple housewife, a lay person whose perspect active comes 26 00:02:00.000 --> 00:02:04.480 not only from someone who was raised in the community, but also who spent 27 00:02:04.599 --> 00:02:08.479 her entire life reading and teaching herself and continuing to learn and to grow. 28 00:02:09.439 --> 00:02:16.159 Pearl is a saltomore Hasidic woman who is a grandmother and a matriarch of a 29 00:02:16.199 --> 00:02:21.599 big family. And Pearl helped me out how do we introduce her? And 30 00:02:21.639 --> 00:02:24.879 I'm a great grandmother and a great grandmother and a friend and a friend. 31 00:02:25.080 --> 00:02:30.159 Yes, thank you and she has been so generous has to agree to talk 32 00:02:30.199 --> 00:02:36.560 to me again about some big topics. We are going to talk today about 33 00:02:37.039 --> 00:02:43.240 arranged marriages, about modesty in women's clothing, and lastly, a topic that 34 00:02:44.039 --> 00:02:50.439 affects us both personally, leaving the faith or as it's called OTD, off 35 00:02:50.520 --> 00:02:53.879 the dereh or off the PATHI yeah, the pious path. Frieda, do 36 00:02:53.879 --> 00:02:58.240 you know that I'm also OTD? You're also OTD. I'm over the diet 37 00:03:00.080 --> 00:03:05.039 of the time, I'm on the of the diet. Well, it's a 38 00:03:05.080 --> 00:03:08.800 honiker right now. So we're all on of the diet. So we're we're 39 00:03:08.800 --> 00:03:15.039 allowed to eat whatever we're eating. And Pearl has some really good keto diet 40 00:03:15.159 --> 00:03:20.360 cheesecake to get us soars the end of the haneker, starting right right right. 41 00:03:20.719 --> 00:03:23.080 So what's the first topic. Well, first of all, you look 42 00:03:23.159 --> 00:03:27.120 very different from us, right right, right, right right? So how 43 00:03:27.120 --> 00:03:30.360 come you look very different? Because last time we did the interview was out 44 00:03:30.360 --> 00:03:36.000 of shabbas and I was dressed the way I'm dressed for Shabbis. I was 45 00:03:36.039 --> 00:03:39.840 dressed in my white turban and in my shabbist robe. Why that's the way 46 00:03:40.000 --> 00:03:44.840 I am dressed for Shabbis, it's your elegant, that's my elegant attire. 47 00:03:45.039 --> 00:03:49.280 Yes, for Shabis? Why white, white? White? White? For 48 00:03:49.360 --> 00:03:53.080 shabus white is a very big It's it's a it's a very important color. 49 00:03:53.479 --> 00:03:57.039 It's a color of purs It's not a lack of a color. It's a 50 00:03:57.080 --> 00:04:00.400 color. It's a color. Right, It's it's pure, it's yes, 51 00:04:00.840 --> 00:04:05.800 yes, right, Mainly it's purity. I mean the koin Google wore white. 52 00:04:05.960 --> 00:04:12.639 The priest and the time of the temple. The men wear white gym 53 00:04:12.759 --> 00:04:16.839 kipper. The women try to wear something white or white clothing. The side 54 00:04:16.879 --> 00:04:21.240 that the man the men wear a kittled to the side that white is a 55 00:04:21.279 --> 00:04:27.040 color of purity. Like you say, holiness, holiness, Yeah, and 56 00:04:27.160 --> 00:04:30.439 that's dark. Black is the opposite. It's I wouldn't say black is the 57 00:04:30.439 --> 00:04:36.600 opposite. No, but white specifically is the color of holiness. So no 58 00:04:36.800 --> 00:04:42.800 color is bad. Hasham created them all really, so no color is considered. 59 00:04:43.240 --> 00:04:47.439 The only color that is considered, like women's attire is red is because 60 00:04:47.480 --> 00:04:56.480 it's very very eye catching, very loud, very bold, very so we 61 00:04:56.680 --> 00:04:59.480 stay away from red clothing. But it's not that red is a bad color. 62 00:05:00.079 --> 00:05:02.600 Have the the red hyper right, right, you're right, you're right. 63 00:05:04.040 --> 00:05:06.560 What do you think of my jacket? Though? It's beautiful? Yes, 64 00:05:09.079 --> 00:05:14.759 it's not only red, No, it's not. Again, there's no 65 00:05:14.920 --> 00:05:19.399 nothing created is ever ever bad. There's no such thing. Was just inappropriate 66 00:05:19.399 --> 00:05:24.519 and inappropriate? Yeah, yeah, because I was going to say black is 67 00:05:25.240 --> 00:05:30.040 in the second world, black is associated with funerals, right, But in 68 00:05:30.079 --> 00:05:36.040 Williams for everyone's wearing black mainly because it's a practical color to wear. It's 69 00:05:36.079 --> 00:05:42.040 not because this is a color that and also it's not a color that attracts 70 00:05:42.160 --> 00:05:45.920 very much. So you know, the men wear, of course, dark 71 00:05:45.959 --> 00:05:50.800 clothing, and the women also sort of wear not unattractive clothing. But we 72 00:05:50.839 --> 00:05:56.839 don't wear attracting clothing. That's why you'll see most of us in subdued colors, 73 00:05:57.920 --> 00:06:04.360 not loud colors, not not callers that attract a very eye catching. 74 00:06:05.040 --> 00:06:10.920 Let's talk about arranged marriages, Pearl. Your marriage was arranged right, No, 75 00:06:11.360 --> 00:06:17.199 no, no, no, your your children's marriage, No, absolutely 76 00:06:17.240 --> 00:06:23.639 not what happened. We have arranged meetings, but not arranged marriages. So 77 00:06:24.319 --> 00:06:28.439 you'll explain to you. I'll tell you how I got engaged, how my 78 00:06:28.639 --> 00:06:32.519 daughters got engaged, and my son's one son. The other son we'll talk 79 00:06:32.519 --> 00:06:38.959 about later. I talked about how my grand grandchildren got engaged. Okay, 80 00:06:40.160 --> 00:06:49.160 so I have to start with this introduction that our belief system, our belief 81 00:06:49.279 --> 00:07:01.160 system is that Hashem created the world and recreates it every single day, really 82 00:07:01.439 --> 00:07:05.920 in actuality, really, yes, every day the world is recreated. The 83 00:07:06.000 --> 00:07:10.720 sun comes up, you know, you know, a person wakes up in 84 00:07:10.759 --> 00:07:15.199 the morning and his whole body functions. It's like a sort of recreation all 85 00:07:15.240 --> 00:07:19.680 the time. Our belief system tells us that has Shem runs the world, 86 00:07:19.839 --> 00:07:29.040 which means he runs every single minute second of it. And we have this 87 00:07:29.839 --> 00:07:36.480 constant awareness of Hashem's presence and Hashem's management of our world and ourselves and all 88 00:07:36.560 --> 00:07:43.199 the things that happen in our world. So Shadiham is also one of those 89 00:07:43.240 --> 00:07:50.240 things where we believe that Hashem has the management of it right, meaning so 90 00:07:50.680 --> 00:07:55.160 our children become marriageable age. Let's say, oh, let's talk about me. 91 00:07:55.240 --> 00:08:00.639 I became marriageable age and my parents decided that was married. Now eighteen 92 00:08:01.399 --> 00:08:05.519 eighteen, that's what he says in the mission, which means at eighteen you 93 00:08:05.560 --> 00:08:11.000 should be ready for the wedding canopy. Yeah, exactly exactly, so they 94 00:08:11.040 --> 00:08:16.560 were going to Now we do we segregate our sexes. The girls and the 95 00:08:16.560 --> 00:08:22.680 boys do not mingle unless they're cousins. Family, there's mingling, you know, 96 00:08:22.720 --> 00:08:24.879 there's like talking. But also as they get older, the boys and 97 00:08:24.920 --> 00:08:31.399 the girls, even in families sort of the boys will stay with the boys, 98 00:08:31.439 --> 00:08:33.720 the girls will stay with the girls. I mean, this is some 99 00:08:33.840 --> 00:08:35.919 kind of you know, they go to separate school. They we're talking about 100 00:08:35.960 --> 00:08:39.360 real family occasions. Now, you know, when the family gets together in 101 00:08:39.399 --> 00:08:45.799 the home, so we're constantly aware of the boys belong on the boys side, 102 00:08:45.799 --> 00:08:48.000 the girls belong to the girl's side. Now, now we come to 103 00:08:48.039 --> 00:08:52.080 marriage. Now we have to get together, right but really, truly, 104 00:08:52.240 --> 00:08:56.440 we're really unprepared. How do we do this? We have no skills, 105 00:08:56.919 --> 00:09:01.320 you know, how to do this? Now? We is our children in 106 00:09:01.399 --> 00:09:09.960 such a way that our children respect the parents. They respect the way that 107 00:09:09.039 --> 00:09:15.759 they respect their parents period, and they trust their parents. Okay. Now, 108 00:09:15.759 --> 00:09:18.440 even though by eighteen, I was a big knocker, and I thought, 109 00:09:18.440 --> 00:09:24.080 I know, a big maker, you know, a personality, not 110 00:09:24.159 --> 00:09:28.879 a personality. But I thought that I you know, like you thought you 111 00:09:28.919 --> 00:09:31.600 were already all grown up. I thought it was already, but I knew 112 00:09:31.840 --> 00:09:37.720 that I still in the issue of marriage. I have to trust my parents. 113 00:09:37.879 --> 00:09:41.600 I'm not gonna there's no way for me to go out and find a 114 00:09:41.679 --> 00:09:43.000 husband. There's no way for the boys to find a wife on their own. 115 00:09:43.519 --> 00:09:48.840 So we trust our parents, and the parents needed somebody to facilitate this. 116 00:09:50.879 --> 00:09:54.799 So it is a matchmaker, and a matchmaker in our community is a 117 00:09:54.879 --> 00:10:01.919 respected person. But is it a It's a profession that anyone could have. 118 00:10:01.440 --> 00:10:05.720 It's a profession that anyone can have. But we know who the real professionals 119 00:10:05.720 --> 00:10:07.559 are, I say, and it could be a man, or it could 120 00:10:07.559 --> 00:10:11.120 be a woman. So when anybody gets to the age of eighteen, the 121 00:10:11.200 --> 00:10:20.200 matchmakers know who the candidates are now, so they have a list and they 122 00:10:20.320 --> 00:10:26.639 and because our community is so intertwined, everybody knows more or less about everybody 123 00:10:26.639 --> 00:10:31.039 else, you know, unless you're doing an overseas shiter, which happens also 124 00:10:31.480 --> 00:10:37.639 from a different country. A match shoulders a match, right, Let's talk 125 00:10:37.639 --> 00:10:43.519 about the local ones. So my parents, the matchmakers call the parents, 126 00:10:43.639 --> 00:10:48.120 I know you have a very fine daughter, and I'm thinking of a very 127 00:10:48.159 --> 00:10:52.960 fine boy. And they'll also ask what sort of what things are you looking 128 00:10:54.080 --> 00:10:58.840 for? And then they'll suggest let's say a boy was suggested to me. 129 00:11:01.679 --> 00:11:03.919 Now, the next job is for parents to try to ask around in the 130 00:11:03.919 --> 00:11:11.480 community what kind of a boy is this? They'll ask the other boys who 131 00:11:11.480 --> 00:11:15.039 went with him to Yeshiva, tell me, you know so and so you 132 00:11:15.080 --> 00:11:18.000 went with him to yeshiva? What kind of a boys? What sort of 133 00:11:18.000 --> 00:11:20.039 a boys? See? They'll ask the people who dovin with him in be 134 00:11:20.120 --> 00:11:24.399 Smedish and shule, do you ever watch this boy? You ever see this 135 00:11:24.440 --> 00:11:28.960 boy? Know anything about boy? They'll call the neighbors of this family, 136 00:11:28.360 --> 00:11:33.039 what kind of a family is it? And so there's a lot of collecting 137 00:11:33.120 --> 00:11:37.360 of information which doesn't take too long, and it's not and it's not like 138 00:11:37.440 --> 00:11:41.039 the parents have this responsibility. Oh boy, I better get the right information, 139 00:11:41.159 --> 00:11:46.759 because in the back of our minds we know how Shem runs the world 140 00:11:48.679 --> 00:11:54.600 and he has he has our back, okay, in the in the in 141 00:11:54.679 --> 00:12:00.080 the coom of vernacular. So we take the job seriously, but in the 142 00:12:00.120 --> 00:12:05.080 back of our minds we know we're being led. And we also have a 143 00:12:05.159 --> 00:12:11.200 tradition that forty days before conception of a child, Before conception of a child, 144 00:12:11.200 --> 00:12:15.320 the child even can see. Before the child is can see forty days 145 00:12:15.320 --> 00:12:22.639 before, a heavenly voice says bass ploiny laploine, the daughter of this person 146 00:12:22.759 --> 00:12:26.600 to this person, so we know that it's really been arranged. It's been 147 00:12:26.720 --> 00:12:31.600 arranged before we're changed. We're there to do our what we call his staglers, 148 00:12:31.639 --> 00:12:37.000 which is our effort, howeffort the Almighty requires us to put in effort. 149 00:12:39.240 --> 00:12:43.960 So listen to the effort we're putting in. And my parents got enough 150 00:12:43.960 --> 00:12:46.600 information, and then they said they want to go see the boy. They 151 00:12:46.679 --> 00:12:50.600 want to see him in those days. Don't forget there were no pictures of 152 00:12:50.200 --> 00:12:54.840 there's no media, there's no How long is it usually from when you get 153 00:12:54.840 --> 00:13:00.360 the matchmaker's call until you go see the The bob got a week, ten 154 00:13:00.440 --> 00:13:03.600 days, depending on how much you can reach people that you want to reach. 155 00:13:05.279 --> 00:13:07.879 Okay, so my parents said we want to see the boy. Meanwhile 156 00:13:07.919 --> 00:13:13.320 they're telling me what's going on. You know, we got such information, 157 00:13:13.480 --> 00:13:16.960 We got this information. We like it. We think it's nice. The 158 00:13:16.039 --> 00:13:22.200 family is nice. These people like we spoke to, we call this rabbits 159 00:13:22.200 --> 00:13:26.320 and whatever. My parents went to see the boy, not me, not, 160 00:13:26.519 --> 00:13:30.200 I went along with it. They went to see the boy unofficially. 161 00:13:30.919 --> 00:13:33.519 Unofficially means they still have a right to back out if they don't like what 162 00:13:33.559 --> 00:13:37.080 they're seeing. So how is the unofficial? So I went to see him 163 00:13:37.080 --> 00:13:41.480 in the shatns had a Swodhom store. They went to see him in the 164 00:13:41.519 --> 00:13:46.200 back of the Swodhom store. Did he know he was being He came from 165 00:13:46.200 --> 00:13:48.320 Barack, but he was living in bark where I was living in Willisburg, 166 00:13:48.600 --> 00:13:52.759 so he knew he was coming to be seen. Okay, And I'm waiting 167 00:13:52.840 --> 00:13:56.080 at home. I'm so excited. What are they going to come back and 168 00:13:56.120 --> 00:14:01.639 say? You know? And then my parents come back and they say he 169 00:14:01.720 --> 00:14:03.879 we liked, we liked what we saw. Did they talk to him also, 170 00:14:05.600 --> 00:14:09.799 Yeah, we liked what we saw. And my mother tells me he's 171 00:14:09.960 --> 00:14:18.399 very very tall. Really yeah, not anymore anymore age, we're almost eaten. 172 00:14:20.000 --> 00:14:22.919 At that point he was six foot two and I was five ft two. 173 00:14:22.519 --> 00:14:28.519 Really foot difference. Yes, So I liked the idea all husband, 174 00:14:28.919 --> 00:14:35.759 don't ask me why. Okay, we liked we liked him, and now 175 00:14:37.879 --> 00:14:43.519 they wanted to see you. Okay. So the parents came and this was 176 00:14:43.639 --> 00:14:48.600 really more official. They came to our house. Both of my in laws, 177 00:14:48.840 --> 00:14:52.200 my potential inss came and they we sat and we talked at the table, 178 00:14:52.240 --> 00:14:54.840 and they went home and they said, okay, it's time for the 179 00:14:54.879 --> 00:15:01.759 boy and girl to meet, right and and usually the boy and girl meet 180 00:15:01.799 --> 00:15:09.360 in the girl's house. So they arrived with this boy, my husband and 181 00:15:09.519 --> 00:15:11.720 we all sat at the same table, and about after about five ten minutes, 182 00:15:11.720 --> 00:15:15.720 the parents said, okay, we're going into another room and we are 183 00:15:15.840 --> 00:15:20.120 leaving you to talk to each other. What were you wearing? You don't 184 00:15:20.120 --> 00:15:24.559 remember? It wasn't it wasn't important. No, no, it wasn't important. 185 00:15:24.960 --> 00:15:30.759 So we sit down, we look at each other, and it's customary 186 00:15:30.799 --> 00:15:33.399 for the boy to start you know, there's all kind of nuances over here. 187 00:15:35.120 --> 00:15:37.360 I'm familiar, so it's customary for the boy to start talking. So 188 00:15:37.440 --> 00:15:41.840 he starts talking. I don't remember what he said, and I'm answering him, 189 00:15:41.080 --> 00:15:45.480 and then at one point I tell him, Now, I grew up 190 00:15:45.519 --> 00:15:50.600 in Sutner, and at that time that Ebba Sutner, Ebba was very vocal 191 00:15:50.600 --> 00:15:54.600 about Zionism. Here, I want to pause for a moment to explain what 192 00:15:54.679 --> 00:15:58.200 anti Zionism is in the context of the Acidic Movement. The Acidic movement is 193 00:15:58.200 --> 00:16:03.639 a movement of sects groups, each with its own reba, its own leader 194 00:16:03.840 --> 00:16:07.159 who usually inherits the leadership from his father and will pass it on to sun. 195 00:16:07.600 --> 00:16:14.559 The satmar Hasidic sect is one of the most powerful and most important post 196 00:16:14.559 --> 00:16:18.679 Holocaust groups, and its very first Rabba, Yole Titlebaum, survived the Holocaust 197 00:16:18.679 --> 00:16:22.840 and came to America where he was one of the most important figures in revitalizing 198 00:16:23.039 --> 00:16:27.440 the Hasidic movement after the war. The Summer Sect and in particular yo Old 199 00:16:27.480 --> 00:16:33.200 title Baum, are very well known for its anti Zionism. The anti Zionism 200 00:16:33.279 --> 00:16:38.039 of the Satmareba was rooted in a belief that the Jews should not return to 201 00:16:38.080 --> 00:16:42.480 the land as a sovereign, self governed people before the time, meaning before 202 00:16:42.519 --> 00:16:48.720 the Messiah came. And this comes from the decree by God, one of 203 00:16:48.759 --> 00:16:53.559 the three Oaths, that God swore upon the Jewish people to not return to 204 00:16:53.600 --> 00:16:59.000 the land before the time. And while the Summer Sect remains anti Zionists, 205 00:16:59.320 --> 00:17:03.240 I think the anti Zionism of the early days during the formation of the State 206 00:17:03.279 --> 00:17:11.200 of Israel had a distinct fervor behind it that reflected the energy of the issue 207 00:17:11.240 --> 00:17:17.359 at the time. Also, it had been just after the Custner trial, 208 00:17:17.960 --> 00:17:22.880 so he was vocal about Zionism, meaning he rejected the zionist's creed. He 209 00:17:23.000 --> 00:17:26.839 rejected the design and Zionist philosophy. So what did I do. The first 210 00:17:26.839 --> 00:17:30.640 thing I tell him is, I want you to know I'm a very big 211 00:17:30.680 --> 00:17:34.680 anti Zionist. Okay, this was eighteen and a half year old me, 212 00:17:37.240 --> 00:17:41.400 nineteen and a half year old boy. A very very diplomatic opening, but 213 00:17:41.640 --> 00:17:48.480 I was so passionate about it really that I wanted him to know from the 214 00:17:48.519 --> 00:17:53.720 get go because he didn't learniva like Sathma. I wanted him to He was 215 00:17:53.799 --> 00:17:57.680 Sothner, but he didn't learn in hiva like something he learned in the Borough 216 00:17:57.680 --> 00:18:03.119 Park Yeshiva. That was more Euberlin. How do you say Oberlin? It 217 00:18:03.160 --> 00:18:10.359 was a little it was a little different than than than misdis So I wanted 218 00:18:10.440 --> 00:18:15.960 him to know. So he tells me me too, really do He says 219 00:18:15.000 --> 00:18:21.839 me too? Boy? A match made in heaven. That was what you 220 00:18:21.839 --> 00:18:25.519 you bonded over. We didn't really bonder it, but I really wanted him 221 00:18:25.519 --> 00:18:29.720 to know that this was very very important to me, and I didn't want 222 00:18:29.759 --> 00:18:33.359 to have a marriage where we would have fights over this. What is it 223 00:18:33.440 --> 00:18:36.359 even? How is it even so relevant to you? Is you're in New 224 00:18:36.440 --> 00:18:41.920 York, but you you don't understand what means? I know you don't understand 225 00:18:41.920 --> 00:18:45.960 that. But talked constantly about it, and he cried constantly about it. 226 00:18:45.039 --> 00:18:48.079 You know what he said, huh, I'll tell you say it to you 227 00:18:48.119 --> 00:18:53.359 in Yiddish and you'll translated in English. Very vised, viful tourist. I 228 00:18:53.480 --> 00:19:00.759 will Bringen of Claudia's rule. It was very personal. Yeah, who knows 229 00:19:00.759 --> 00:19:04.960 how much how many problems that will bring on the on on on the Jewish 230 00:19:06.000 --> 00:19:11.839 people. So what happened? Okay, So we had one meeting. Then 231 00:19:11.200 --> 00:19:15.759 he went home. Now now everybody goes home and the parents say, well, 232 00:19:17.240 --> 00:19:19.559 did you like him? Did you like her? I said, you 233 00:19:19.680 --> 00:19:22.599 want to meet him again? And he said the same thing. Was it 234 00:19:22.599 --> 00:19:26.599 the first meeting you had with a boy. No, it was the second 235 00:19:26.599 --> 00:19:29.480 meeting I had with a boy. You had a different meeting and you didn't 236 00:19:29.519 --> 00:19:33.519 like it. No, it was terrible. He was a Zionist. No, 237 00:19:34.000 --> 00:19:40.000 No, it was something else. So okay, so we had another 238 00:19:40.039 --> 00:19:44.279 meeting, the second meeting, a second meeting. We were like more happy 239 00:19:44.319 --> 00:19:47.839 with each other. I was like pretty excited about him, and he was 240 00:19:47.880 --> 00:19:52.000 excited about me. You know, you're younger teenagers, you're eighteen, and 241 00:19:52.039 --> 00:19:59.319 of course you look at each other. Does this does this person appeal to 242 00:19:59.359 --> 00:20:03.640 me physically? It's not just the minds, but what we're really co focusing 243 00:20:03.680 --> 00:20:12.359 on is more of an intellectual meeting of the Do we see a little bit? 244 00:20:12.400 --> 00:20:17.359 Do we understand each other in the talk? Yes, we're not focused 245 00:20:17.400 --> 00:20:21.559 on the purely physical, but it's there. Oh, are you aware of 246 00:20:21.599 --> 00:20:26.279 it? If you're not aware of the physical element of marriage? Who says 247 00:20:26.279 --> 00:20:29.519 we're not aware of the physical element of marriage? A lot of people are 248 00:20:29.519 --> 00:20:32.039 not aware. Do you think we're domina? Even if you're not aware, 249 00:20:32.119 --> 00:20:37.240 has shemp created you with feelings? With hormones? Act of hormones? By 250 00:20:37.279 --> 00:20:41.839 eighteen? I think there are. My experience was I wasn't naive. But 251 00:20:41.920 --> 00:20:45.400 we are both Mavericks in our own No, we're not everybody. My children 252 00:20:45.480 --> 00:20:52.440 weren't mavericks. Now my grandchildren are not Mavericks. These children are growing up 253 00:20:52.480 --> 00:20:56.519 with the knowledge that there is The goal is marriage. The goal is to 254 00:20:56.559 --> 00:21:00.880 have a Yiddish family. The goal is to have children, and so I 255 00:21:00.920 --> 00:21:07.119 mean at some point, even without sex education in the schools, these kids 256 00:21:07.160 --> 00:21:12.319 find out what's going on. Of course, nobody's talking about it or the 257 00:21:12.440 --> 00:21:15.680 kids talk to each other. Oh, they talk to each other all the 258 00:21:15.720 --> 00:21:18.559 time, but the embarrassed to talk to the parents. You know. So 259 00:21:19.759 --> 00:21:23.160 we're not that dumb, and we're not that backwards, and we're not that 260 00:21:23.640 --> 00:21:26.839 out of touch, and we are more in touch as a matter of fact, 261 00:21:27.400 --> 00:21:37.119 because the Toyota is real to us. The hushm this is, this 262 00:21:37.279 --> 00:21:42.079 was, this is the vine. The word of Hushem is alive. It's 263 00:21:42.160 --> 00:21:48.000 not a book that was written. It was the actual We were there at 264 00:21:48.039 --> 00:21:53.359 Sinai. How is that related to what I'm trying to Okay, what so 265 00:21:53.400 --> 00:21:59.519 I'm trying to tell you is that the Toyota talks about such things. The 266 00:21:59.559 --> 00:22:03.119 toyde is about real human life. And when the Irish to give us a 267 00:22:03.160 --> 00:22:07.720 toylet, he said, Khaid Buhem live with it. It was meant for 268 00:22:07.880 --> 00:22:14.440 people to live with It. Doesn't mean that we pretend hormones don't exist. 269 00:22:15.599 --> 00:22:18.720 Boy girl attraction doesn't exist. It means it's there because I shan't put it 270 00:22:18.720 --> 00:22:23.119 into us. This is the way it was meant to be. Everything that 271 00:22:23.240 --> 00:22:33.519 happens to us human beings is part of of Hashem's world, including attraction and 272 00:22:33.400 --> 00:22:41.519 yes, the first mitzvah is multiply the first mitzv toilet, Yeah, you 273 00:22:41.559 --> 00:22:47.519 know, populate the world. So it's part of our growing up. We 274 00:22:47.599 --> 00:22:52.400 know where we came from, we know what we're doing in this world. 275 00:22:52.759 --> 00:22:56.880 We know where we're going. We know we have a plan and a purpose. 276 00:22:57.599 --> 00:23:02.839 Do you know how? So you know how peaceful life is when you 277 00:23:02.920 --> 00:23:07.720 know yeah, when you know what and we're committed to this. It's not 278 00:23:07.759 --> 00:23:11.279 like a fairy tale. We are actually committed to all of this, and 279 00:23:11.359 --> 00:23:15.799 we raise our children with this commitment, with the knowledge of this commitment. 280 00:23:15.200 --> 00:23:18.720 One of the additional steps of acidic matchmaking, which we didn't cover here, 281 00:23:18.759 --> 00:23:22.720 but which is a very important part of the process, is genetic counseling, 282 00:23:23.079 --> 00:23:29.480 which every Hasidic boy and girl will receive through an enormous organization called Derry Assurance. 283 00:23:30.319 --> 00:23:33.880 Peerl didn't receive genetic counseling because it wasn't available yet at the time, 284 00:23:34.200 --> 00:23:38.200 but when we talked about it afterwards, she talked about the marvel of science 285 00:23:38.559 --> 00:23:44.119 that the community is able to take advantage of and how the specific system of 286 00:23:44.200 --> 00:23:51.720 matchmaking allows for genetic testing before the couple falls in love and becomes attached to 287 00:23:51.720 --> 00:23:55.880 each other, allowing for an easy exit if the genetics don't match up. 288 00:23:56.440 --> 00:24:00.519 Okay, so fine, now we're up to the third beshow but your third 289 00:24:00.680 --> 00:24:03.079 show is a third meeting. The show is a meeting. The show is 290 00:24:03.079 --> 00:24:04.839 a meeting. Right, so you knew you you were attracted to your husband 291 00:24:06.119 --> 00:24:08.200 and it was it was something you were I mean, look, is he 292 00:24:08.319 --> 00:24:11.119 behind the person? Right? Is he is? He? Is he physically? 293 00:24:11.200 --> 00:24:15.519 Am I okay with him? Physically? I see? Also besides the 294 00:24:15.559 --> 00:24:18.359 fact that I like talking to him and we share a lot of you know, 295 00:24:18.720 --> 00:24:23.079 we discuss other things. Where do you work and what are you doing? 296 00:24:23.200 --> 00:24:32.039 And who is your family? And things have come and is it it 297 00:24:32.079 --> 00:24:34.160 could be? But if it's, if it's, if you're hitting it off, 298 00:24:34.240 --> 00:24:40.960 right, it becomes fun. Did he see your fun side early on? 299 00:24:41.279 --> 00:24:44.240 No? No, no, no no no, I wasn't so I 300 00:24:44.400 --> 00:24:47.720 wasn't so much fun then? Okay, Now you become more fun with time. 301 00:24:47.960 --> 00:24:52.799 Absolutely. Okay. So now we're having two meetings and nobody's rushing into 302 00:24:52.839 --> 00:25:00.000 anything in the morning, my mother asks me, so you like him? 303 00:25:00.000 --> 00:25:03.480 I said, yeah, so you want to go ahead with the s like 304 00:25:03.480 --> 00:25:08.839 you want to get engaged them? I think so. I wasn't madly in 305 00:25:08.880 --> 00:25:15.359 love with him, but I took into account that my parents actually brought him 306 00:25:15.400 --> 00:25:18.200 to the house, which means that they liked him. They're like what they 307 00:25:18.200 --> 00:25:19.759 saw, They're like what they heard. Now it's up to me the big 308 00:25:19.799 --> 00:25:25.519 decision. Do I know one hundred percent? And my head over heels, 309 00:25:25.599 --> 00:25:29.119 no, Do I see myself getting married to this person? I think so? 310 00:25:30.599 --> 00:25:33.359 I think so, yeah, okay, so should we make an engagement 311 00:25:34.640 --> 00:25:41.359 that night? Not that night? No? Yeah? Yeah, yeah, 312 00:25:41.759 --> 00:25:48.599 okay. The third show, the third meeting included the engagement also at your 313 00:25:48.599 --> 00:25:52.519 mother's house, Yes, at my parents' house. And so you make this 314 00:25:52.640 --> 00:25:57.839 engagement, you make a lakhiam between the parents, You call over some friends, 315 00:25:59.000 --> 00:26:03.000 you call over some I was the oldest so and in those days, 316 00:26:03.039 --> 00:26:07.319 our families were very small. It was just twenty years after the Holocaust, 317 00:26:08.519 --> 00:26:11.839 so there was very little family to call over, but some family came over. 318 00:26:11.839 --> 00:26:15.200 I mean today it becomes today's tremendous affairs, you know. Yeah, 319 00:26:15.279 --> 00:26:18.880 yeah, engagement. So now the same thing happened, But my oldest daughter 320 00:26:19.119 --> 00:26:23.319 was ready to get engaged. She had the same attitude. She trusted her 321 00:26:23.359 --> 00:26:27.599 parents. So we went to see one boy, We went to see another 322 00:26:27.680 --> 00:26:33.480 boy, then we went to see Then the shots called us and told us 323 00:26:33.480 --> 00:26:40.599 about my first son in law. My husband and I went to see him. 324 00:26:41.519 --> 00:26:44.000 I don't even think they came to see my daughter. I don't remember. 325 00:26:44.960 --> 00:26:48.319 And then the kids saw each other and again the same question, do 326 00:26:48.359 --> 00:26:51.960 you like him? Yeah, I think I like him. Should we make 327 00:26:51.960 --> 00:26:55.359 an engagement? Yeah, I think we should make an engagement. You never 328 00:26:55.440 --> 00:26:57.000 know for sure? I mean, how could you know for sure? Yeah, 329 00:26:57.119 --> 00:27:00.839 how could you know for sure? What's she amoray? Of judging your 330 00:27:00.920 --> 00:27:04.720 children's appropriate magic seems to be nerve wracking for a parent to make decisions for 331 00:27:04.759 --> 00:27:11.359 their children. We're not the big decision makers. That's the key. There 332 00:27:11.440 --> 00:27:15.559 is a faith system. What do you call faith? You believe that there's 333 00:27:15.599 --> 00:27:22.000 someone bigger than you doing things. That's the wrong definition for faith. Really, 334 00:27:22.200 --> 00:27:27.240 yes, Why what you call faith? We call faithfulness. Faithfulness to 335 00:27:27.279 --> 00:27:33.720 the idea that has sham runs the world. It's a faithfulness to us to 336 00:27:33.799 --> 00:27:37.960 a philosophy we know that has sham runs the world. There's no doubt in 337 00:27:38.039 --> 00:27:41.880 our minds. So we are faithful to this idea. So we believe the 338 00:27:41.920 --> 00:27:45.519 same thing when it comes to shadegem, and when it comes to buying the 339 00:27:45.599 --> 00:27:52.720 cult, and when it comes to buying furniture, whatever you want, we 340 00:27:52.839 --> 00:28:02.319 believe that really Hashem, he's running the world and we are part of his 341 00:28:02.480 --> 00:28:07.839 plan and running world. The only only only place where we are boss, 342 00:28:08.079 --> 00:28:14.240 where we have complete autonomy, and where we are the decision makers and the 343 00:28:14.279 --> 00:28:22.279 deciders. Isn't the moral realm? Otherwise everything is shir It meant yes, 344 00:28:22.279 --> 00:28:25.920 But we have to do our effort. We have to put in our effort. 345 00:28:26.039 --> 00:28:27.200 I have to go to the stort to buy a code, I have 346 00:28:27.240 --> 00:28:30.200 to talk to an agent. When I buy a house. You have to 347 00:28:30.200 --> 00:28:33.799 go through the steps. It doesn't take away from you going through the certain 348 00:28:33.799 --> 00:28:38.839 steps. But in the back of our minds, well, see, whatever 349 00:28:40.039 --> 00:28:45.000 she wants a higher there's a higher power making you know what it does. 350 00:28:45.279 --> 00:28:48.799 It gives a person a peace of mind. Now, when it comes to 351 00:28:49.039 --> 00:28:55.079 our own decision in the moral realm, do I want to do? Do 352 00:28:55.200 --> 00:29:00.200 I want to help my neighbor? Hushm stays out of this This is solely 353 00:29:00.440 --> 00:29:07.480 up to the human being. Do I want to give charity? That's Husham 354 00:29:07.519 --> 00:29:12.559 stays out of this. He lets us be the total deciders. Do I 355 00:29:12.599 --> 00:29:18.039 want to speak bad about this person? Husham stays completely out of it. 356 00:29:18.680 --> 00:29:25.000 This is completely and totally in our control. So when sometimes when you say 357 00:29:25.240 --> 00:29:27.920 what is a person? What is a person? If Fasham is deciding everything, 358 00:29:30.039 --> 00:29:33.400 you know how powerful a person is. If he decides to be good 359 00:29:33.480 --> 00:29:38.440 or bad, that's his whole power. Yeah, the power isn't making the 360 00:29:38.480 --> 00:29:44.440 moral decisions. That's the power, and that is what makes a person a 361 00:29:44.480 --> 00:29:51.720 person. Riches wealth doesn't make the person a person. I hear that it's 362 00:29:51.759 --> 00:29:53.720 what he does with his wealth, but he decides to do it as well, 363 00:29:55.079 --> 00:29:59.119 and the moral realm that decides what kind of a person. This is 364 00:30:00.079 --> 00:30:03.640 the place where I am stuck with us. Is I if I was a 365 00:30:03.680 --> 00:30:04.559 parent, so I have a seventeen year old, if I was a parent 366 00:30:04.640 --> 00:30:07.960 now thinking of making decisions for Shuit, I think I would never be able 367 00:30:08.000 --> 00:30:14.359 to say, oh, yeah, there's a voice that declared forty days before 368 00:30:14.400 --> 00:30:18.799 conception that I don't think I could ever surrender to that kind of now that 369 00:30:18.839 --> 00:30:21.400 I don't you and the rest of the world. Darling. You have to 370 00:30:21.440 --> 00:30:25.359 be raised from You have to have it in your DNA, you have to 371 00:30:26.079 --> 00:30:30.599 need to be consciously aware of it all the time. I appreciate it. 372 00:30:30.759 --> 00:30:33.000 You know something I want to I was raised though, you know, Pearl, 373 00:30:33.039 --> 00:30:36.720 I was raised in it. Yes, it didn't. It didn't register 374 00:30:36.799 --> 00:30:41.519 on my DNA though. Okay, suppose you swallowed poison. Uh huh, 375 00:30:41.519 --> 00:30:47.759 okay, not good, and then you swallowed two minutes later you decided I 376 00:30:47.799 --> 00:30:52.640 made a big mistake. I don't want Can you tell your boddy to expel 377 00:30:52.680 --> 00:31:00.319 that poison? I'm trying to tell you you're not boss. I say you're 378 00:31:00.319 --> 00:31:03.920 not boss. You're not even boss over your own body, which you say, 379 00:31:03.319 --> 00:31:08.799 my hand, my foot, right, my digestive system. Do you 380 00:31:08.960 --> 00:31:12.759 not even boss over it? You can't expel that poison once you swallowed it, 381 00:31:12.799 --> 00:31:18.279 and it's in your system. So who's boss? What do you boss 382 00:31:18.319 --> 00:31:22.720 over? What are you boss over? Whether you're gonna do good or do 383 00:31:22.839 --> 00:31:26.160 bad? That's the only thing you're boss over, That's the only thing. 384 00:31:26.400 --> 00:31:30.960 Yeah, I hear what you're saying. These are big philosophical questions of how 385 00:31:32.000 --> 00:31:33.880 much control do we have, so I don't want to get side tracked. 386 00:31:34.079 --> 00:31:41.279 Go ahead. So we're talking about arranged arranged marriages, none arranged marriages arranged. 387 00:31:41.400 --> 00:31:45.240 My children said, yes, yes, we want to get engaged. 388 00:31:45.279 --> 00:31:51.640 Okay, mazletop, there's an engagement as they're married. Akshm. They're very 389 00:31:51.640 --> 00:31:56.720 happily married. Same thing with my grandchildren, Same story repeats itself. When 390 00:31:56.720 --> 00:32:00.160 I talked to Pearl after our conversation, she emphasized that it was very important 391 00:32:00.200 --> 00:32:06.119 to clarify that there is a choice for the young eligible men or woman, 392 00:32:06.279 --> 00:32:13.000 boy or girl before the match is finalized. And while typically the young kids 393 00:32:13.279 --> 00:32:16.240 are very excited for the match to happen and can't wait to say yes, 394 00:32:16.599 --> 00:32:21.279 there are instances when they don't want the match to go ahead, and she 395 00:32:21.480 --> 00:32:25.559 wanted to be very clear that Noah is an acceptable answer as well. Before 396 00:32:25.640 --> 00:32:30.839 the match is finalized. Is a nerve wracking as a parent, only if 397 00:32:30.880 --> 00:32:35.799 you think that you're in charge, if you think, oh my goodness, 398 00:32:35.839 --> 00:32:39.720 I have to make these decisions for my children. I can't. I can't 399 00:32:39.720 --> 00:32:44.359 do this. Of course you can't. Of course you can. Who makes 400 00:32:44.359 --> 00:32:49.559 a decision that affects the child's entire life it's too big for you. It's 401 00:32:49.599 --> 00:32:53.799 too much for you. You know. Were you ever a matchmaker? Oh? 402 00:32:53.839 --> 00:32:57.880 I tried so many times. I never succeeded. No, never, 403 00:32:58.319 --> 00:33:01.559 never. I want to make one mission in my life. Okay, well 404 00:33:01.599 --> 00:33:07.480 we'll have to work with him. Bring you lists of eligible everybody tries, 405 00:33:07.880 --> 00:33:12.119 everybody tries. How much do you get paid if you succeed? The going 406 00:33:12.200 --> 00:33:16.119 great? The going great? Changing? What's it going great today? I 407 00:33:16.119 --> 00:33:20.400 think it's a fifteen hundred. I'm not even sure because I'm out of the 408 00:33:20.400 --> 00:33:23.359 business. You know, I'm not marrying children anymore. My grandchildren are not 409 00:33:23.440 --> 00:33:27.759 my It's not your bill to pay, but it's only you only pay the 410 00:33:27.799 --> 00:33:31.440 match maker of the matches finalized. Yes, And they complained about that because 411 00:33:31.480 --> 00:33:35.799 they complained that they do a lot of hard work before a match is finalized 412 00:33:36.279 --> 00:33:38.839 and nobody pays them for that. Yeah. So there's a lot of work 413 00:33:38.880 --> 00:33:45.119 going into matchmaking for which they get no compensation for. But there's like I 414 00:33:45.680 --> 00:33:50.960 look at these pamphlets where they advertise the matches every week, there's like ten 415 00:33:51.039 --> 00:33:53.839 matches a week or I don't know, it's it daily or weekly. How 416 00:33:53.880 --> 00:34:00.799 many children are out there waiting for matches. Yeah, it's incredible. Matchmakers 417 00:34:00.839 --> 00:34:06.720 must be very busy. Now you have to understand that the children alone are 418 00:34:06.759 --> 00:34:14.679 going into this not one hundred percent positive. They also trust hashm right, 419 00:34:14.719 --> 00:34:16.960 they trust the parents, they trust a sham. They're also going in with 420 00:34:17.000 --> 00:34:20.719 the same attitude. And you hope for the best and you pray for the 421 00:34:20.719 --> 00:34:27.480 best because you see people who go out together for two years or three years 422 00:34:27.960 --> 00:34:31.079 and then they get married. A fifty percent of marriages and then divorce in 423 00:34:31.119 --> 00:34:35.039 the United States. Now, don't tell me that they had their parents as 424 00:34:35.079 --> 00:34:39.840 matchmakers. Yeah right. What do you think is the success rate of arranged 425 00:34:39.880 --> 00:34:45.840 marriages? There's no arrangement of not arranged marriage, So sorry for what is 426 00:34:45.880 --> 00:34:50.119 the success rate of only the meetings are arranged? Sham arranges the marriage? 427 00:34:50.119 --> 00:34:52.800 Okay, I'm gonna say shitter marriages because it's it's matchmakers with them, it's 428 00:34:52.840 --> 00:34:58.480 matches with a matchmaker. Can I say, watching the question, what's the 429 00:34:58.559 --> 00:35:01.840 success rate? Do you think? I would say it's about ninety to ninety 430 00:35:01.840 --> 00:35:07.039 five percent? What's with a ten to five percent divorce? That's fine? 431 00:35:07.480 --> 00:35:12.039 And what are their stories? Are they unhappily married? Yes, of course 432 00:35:12.440 --> 00:35:15.719 they're not getting divorced. They're not getting divorced for ferrilous reasons. Most of 433 00:35:15.760 --> 00:35:21.119 the time that they're not getting divorced for fer It's serious. Marriage is serious 434 00:35:21.119 --> 00:35:24.119 by us. Marriage is taken very, very seriously. It's not like we're 435 00:35:24.119 --> 00:35:30.400 going into this marriage and we don't understand what it means. We're committed to 436 00:35:30.440 --> 00:35:34.880 this, We're committed to building a family from this marriage. So marriage is 437 00:35:34.960 --> 00:35:40.079 even though our children are teenagers, it's a commitment that they understand. Well, 438 00:35:40.079 --> 00:35:44.480 how long have you been married? Fifty six years? Thirty six years? 439 00:35:44.519 --> 00:35:46.360 And I have to tell you that my husband was the main giver. 440 00:35:46.840 --> 00:35:51.679 Really, yes, it wasn't. It wasn't like a fifty to fifty giving. 441 00:35:51.960 --> 00:35:55.320 I could say that he gave probably seventy five percent and I gave twenty 442 00:35:55.320 --> 00:36:00.519 five percent. I am sure you both gave. I'm serious. It's not 443 00:36:00.559 --> 00:36:06.639 always fifty to fifty. In some marriages, one partner gives more. But 444 00:36:06.960 --> 00:36:12.599 I got to the stage where I now learned to appreciate what a giver he 445 00:36:12.679 --> 00:36:19.239 was and is, so it motivates me to give back more than I than 446 00:36:19.920 --> 00:36:22.679 I did when I was younger. I'm not talking. This is an old 447 00:36:22.679 --> 00:36:27.719 marriage bar Kshem. You know, so we understand each other. But I'm 448 00:36:27.719 --> 00:36:31.239 talking about when I was younger. He was a seventy five percent giver. 449 00:36:31.559 --> 00:36:35.119 What do you mean by giving? What is giving mean? Give? It 450 00:36:35.159 --> 00:36:37.599 doesn't mean giving presents? No, no, no, no, no no 451 00:36:37.599 --> 00:36:42.480 no. He was so nice to me. Yeah, he was complimentary. 452 00:36:43.199 --> 00:36:45.679 He was kind, you know, he was plain kind to me. And 453 00:36:45.800 --> 00:36:50.840 if you ask me what the secret of good marriages, treat each other like 454 00:36:51.960 --> 00:36:55.519 your strangers. I would be kind to a stranger. Yeah, I would 455 00:36:55.519 --> 00:37:00.079 be nice to a stranger. Sometimes I'm so angry that wasn't nice to him, 456 00:37:00.159 --> 00:37:05.400 right, especially with my hormones. Okay, we have a good excuse, 457 00:37:05.559 --> 00:37:09.480 Yeah, we have a good excuse. So, but kindness and a 458 00:37:09.559 --> 00:37:16.159 sense of humor, those are the tricks to in my marriage. To your 459 00:37:16.280 --> 00:37:20.079 your husband is a very sweet person. He's a very nice person, a 460 00:37:20.199 --> 00:37:27.599 very nice person. You're very lucky and extremely lucky, and I appreciate it 461 00:37:27.639 --> 00:37:31.280 and I thank Hushem for it every day. And my parents thanked Husham because 462 00:37:31.280 --> 00:37:40.440 they thought nobody would be able to do You do you think that key to 463 00:37:40.440 --> 00:37:45.960 to I don't know. I guess my question is what happens to a Hasidic 464 00:37:46.000 --> 00:37:52.320 woman whose husband isn't so good to her. Some women can take it. 465 00:37:52.320 --> 00:37:58.079 They learned to adapt, They learned to adjust, and they're nicer. They 466 00:37:58.079 --> 00:38:00.480 are the givers. They are they do the bigger part of the giving. 467 00:38:01.280 --> 00:38:07.079 Well, we're not talking about abusive people, yeah, which exists. We're 468 00:38:07.079 --> 00:38:08.880 not talking about them. They are the reason. They are a good reason 469 00:38:08.920 --> 00:38:15.000 for divorce in a marriage where there's already children. This is not frivolous marriages. 470 00:38:15.000 --> 00:38:17.920 Is when a young couple divorces right after marriage, you know, because 471 00:38:19.760 --> 00:38:22.719 of frivolous reasons. I'm talking about sometimes in a marriage when you already end 472 00:38:22.800 --> 00:38:27.639 up having a few children and you find out that the man that you're married 473 00:38:27.679 --> 00:38:30.559 to, or sometimes in rare cases, the woman that you're married to, 474 00:38:30.639 --> 00:38:38.440 is abusive. So the titter allows divorce. Okay, So abuse includes emotional 475 00:38:38.440 --> 00:38:45.440 abuse like any kind of abuse, any kind of abuse, physical, emotional, 476 00:38:46.199 --> 00:38:52.039 any kind of abuse, abusive abuse. I mean, it's not you 477 00:38:52.079 --> 00:38:59.840 don't say somebody is abusive when they're when they want the kiggle. Yeah, 478 00:39:00.199 --> 00:39:02.119 it depends. Maybe they want kiddle two in the morning, they're waking their 479 00:39:02.119 --> 00:39:09.000 spouse. So what happens if here's here's sometimes a problem that we're going to 480 00:39:09.039 --> 00:39:15.760 stop talking about. If that's okay. What happens if a woman is in 481 00:39:15.800 --> 00:39:20.639 an abusive marriage and there is so much pressure in her society to succeed in 482 00:39:20.639 --> 00:39:23.840 the marriage that she doesn't want to get out of it. There is no 483 00:39:23.880 --> 00:39:30.360 pressure in society, in our society to succeed in the marriage that is harmful 484 00:39:30.400 --> 00:39:35.039 to either partners. There. I don't think women stay in marriages because of 485 00:39:35.159 --> 00:39:40.679 shame and social stigma. Now, they'll stay in a marriage like that for 486 00:39:40.719 --> 00:39:49.400 the sake of the children. Very often, sometimes they are so abused that 487 00:39:49.440 --> 00:39:53.159 they don't see themselves as worthy of anything better. They become damaged from the 488 00:39:53.239 --> 00:40:04.760 abuse. Shame and stigma, I don't know. I can imagine that it 489 00:40:04.840 --> 00:40:07.079 must be a factor in some you know, but I don't know anybody like 490 00:40:07.119 --> 00:40:15.519 that, shame and stigma keeping people in a marriage because it's a posterish So 491 00:40:15.599 --> 00:40:19.599 you think most people's engagements, you know, the arranged marriages of harsetic communities. 492 00:40:20.039 --> 00:40:22.519 Did you say you're arranged? No? Sorry, sorry, I'm going 493 00:40:22.559 --> 00:40:31.679 to restart that the the the match matchmaker marriage. The matchmaker your hands called 494 00:40:32.000 --> 00:40:37.920 my hands are always called the matchmaker marriages let's call them the matchmaker. The 495 00:40:37.960 --> 00:40:44.039 matchmaker marriages. You think most people would agree with you in the community that 496 00:40:44.119 --> 00:40:50.079 it is a very joyous experience, because in secular media it is portrayed as 497 00:40:51.559 --> 00:40:59.440 divorcing all mating from from the excitement and the romance and turning it into some 498 00:40:59.559 --> 00:41:07.519 kind of necessary contract. How would they know there are people who who told 499 00:41:07.519 --> 00:41:15.800 them this, who left, who tell the stories. I don't know. 500 00:41:19.239 --> 00:41:25.159 People who leave, okay, are definitely not going to be I'm not I'm 501 00:41:25.199 --> 00:41:30.320 not going to be good representatives for this way of life. I should tell 502 00:41:30.320 --> 00:41:35.000 you I left, and I will tell you my arranged marriage. I had 503 00:41:35.039 --> 00:41:38.000 one meeting and it was on the spot. My parents are like, no, 504 00:41:39.360 --> 00:41:43.480 it wasn't It wasn't this. I know that there are people who take 505 00:41:43.519 --> 00:41:50.559 the time, but I think people have different experiences also, right, true, 506 00:41:50.800 --> 00:41:53.360 true? Yes, did I say arranged marriage again? Yeah? Yeah, 507 00:41:53.400 --> 00:41:59.679 but maybe yours was arranged. Maybe I hate what you're saying. I 508 00:41:59.679 --> 00:42:06.840 hate what saying, and it happens. It happens. But again, the 509 00:42:06.920 --> 00:42:13.280 responsibility is not felt so great by the parents because they always feel that this 510 00:42:13.440 --> 00:42:17.920 was but shit, this was meant to be. Whether I was the facilitator 511 00:42:19.000 --> 00:42:22.840 of this marriage as a parent or not. This would have needed to happen 512 00:42:22.880 --> 00:42:30.920 anyhow, So there isn't that. Of course, somebody who leaves I cannot 513 00:42:30.920 --> 00:42:36.159 see it this way because they don't believe. They stop believing. So they're 514 00:42:36.199 --> 00:42:42.280 not good advertisers for our way of life. They don't represent the positive. 515 00:42:42.920 --> 00:42:46.159 So what are you doing tonight for last night of Khnukah? Spending it with 516 00:42:46.239 --> 00:42:55.800 my boyfriend? Your boyfriend is your boyfriend? What's the trick to keeping things 517 00:42:55.800 --> 00:43:06.199 interesting with your boyfriend? To how the laws of family purity? Let me 518 00:43:06.239 --> 00:43:12.119 pause to briefly explain Towchra, the laws of family purity that stipulate that a 519 00:43:12.159 --> 00:43:16.679 couple must remain entirely apart with no physical contact during the time that a woman 520 00:43:16.920 --> 00:43:22.119 has her period, and for seven days after her period stops, she can 521 00:43:22.119 --> 00:43:27.480 be reunited with her husband after she goes to a special pool of water called 522 00:43:27.800 --> 00:43:31.119 a mikphah. And that's nothing to do with Harasidam. And that's with Jewish 523 00:43:31.920 --> 00:43:37.599 Jewish life Torah Jewish life, all or all Tower Jews, all Torro Jews. 524 00:43:37.719 --> 00:43:45.480 Yes, it's our secret to success. It keeps a marriage so exciting, 525 00:43:46.480 --> 00:43:55.239 so alive even into old age. It's very difficult when you're young, 526 00:43:55.920 --> 00:43:59.559 because you're not for two weeks, you're not how to have any physicalses. 527 00:44:00.360 --> 00:44:04.280 Twelve days, twelve days. Sometimes it morphs into two weeks, depending but 528 00:44:04.360 --> 00:44:07.639 it's really twelve days. So you have no physical contact, and no physical 529 00:44:07.639 --> 00:44:13.360 contact means that you now relate to each other on a non physical level, 530 00:44:14.360 --> 00:44:19.239 okay, which means we're not just objects of desire all the time. We 531 00:44:19.400 --> 00:44:24.880 are people whose minds are now engaged with our spouse. Right the physicality is 532 00:44:24.920 --> 00:44:35.280 put on the side. It also creates a tremendous, tremendous physical appetite for 533 00:44:35.360 --> 00:44:39.519 when it's permissible, tremendous, and it's very difficult. It's not easy when 534 00:44:39.519 --> 00:44:45.760 you're young. But every time you get together again, it's like a honeymoon 535 00:44:47.320 --> 00:44:53.480 if you love each other. Of course, we're not talking about dysfunctional marriages. 536 00:44:53.480 --> 00:44:58.000 We when I talk about abusive marriages over here, we're talking about two 537 00:44:58.119 --> 00:45:05.559 normal people who like each other, okay, and who find themselves physically attracted 538 00:45:05.599 --> 00:45:12.280 to each other. And young people mostly are. And this is a way 539 00:45:12.320 --> 00:45:16.079 of life for so so, so many many many years that by the time 540 00:45:16.119 --> 00:45:21.599 it's not relevant anymore. You have built up a kind of a relationship with 541 00:45:21.679 --> 00:45:28.119 their husband. That's I don't have to explain it. There's excitement in it. 542 00:45:28.719 --> 00:45:34.000 Yeah, you don't get jaded because you have that, because you have 543 00:45:34.039 --> 00:45:37.599 that kind of a relationship built up. Let's say, let's say we get 544 00:45:37.599 --> 00:45:42.760 married, let's say by nineteen twenty, and it lasts about till let's say 545 00:45:42.840 --> 00:45:46.760 person is that's forty five, So it's about twenty five years, twenty six, 546 00:45:46.800 --> 00:45:52.559 twenty seven years, and then there's no more to then it's not necessary 547 00:45:52.559 --> 00:45:55.920 anymore because there's normal cycle. So, but you have now a relationship with 548 00:45:57.039 --> 00:46:02.559 this person whom you got to know when you were young, and it's this 549 00:46:02.760 --> 00:46:07.360 is the name of the relationship. This is how it works with this really 550 00:46:07.599 --> 00:46:12.719 with this person. So do you know what a you know what A only 551 00:46:12.760 --> 00:46:15.280 has Shem could have created something like this. Only has Shem could have told 552 00:46:15.360 --> 00:46:21.239 us do this and you will have the greatest marriage in the world. It 553 00:46:21.320 --> 00:46:27.519 keeps a marriage exciting, It keeps it, keeps it alive, it keeps 554 00:46:27.559 --> 00:46:31.000 it young, it keeps it The word is exciting. Yeah, okay, 555 00:46:31.280 --> 00:46:37.960 like you still get excited about your spouse. Yeah, I hear what you're 556 00:46:37.000 --> 00:46:42.280 saying, doesn't make sense. I've heard that before. It's interesting to hear. 557 00:46:43.159 --> 00:46:47.039 It's interesting to hear, but of course it ends at some point, 558 00:46:49.320 --> 00:46:52.760 you know, it ends, as you said. Yeah, thank you all 559 00:46:52.800 --> 00:46:58.280 for watching part one of my conversation with Pearl, and I thank Pearl so 560 00:46:58.440 --> 00:47:06.199 much for the good time and the great cheesecake, and for opening her world 561 00:47:06.360 --> 00:47:10.039 up to us. I hope that all of you will stick around for part 562 00:47:10.079 --> 00:47:15.039 two, where we will be talking about some really big topics, the custom 563 00:47:15.159 --> 00:47:21.880 that married women shave their heads, and we'll also talk about OTD, those 564 00:47:21.920 --> 00:47:25.000 who leave the faith, which is another topic that of course touches me very 565 00:47:25.079 --> 00:47:30.480 personally. I hope you'll stick around, and also I encourage you to leave 566 00:47:30.480 --> 00:47:42.119 a comment. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Bye bye,