It was late at night when the cop doctor got home on Christmas Eve.
They were ready to finally get some sleep after a long day. I'm excited
for Christmas tomorrow may too. Good night case, good night time. But
just as they were about to shut the bedroom door, What the when did
we get a doorbell? We don't have a doorbell? Hello? Oh thank
god? A bushy beard fat man in a red coat and hat barged in
and slammed the door shut. Hey, what the hell? Who are you?
What's going on? Time? Please keep your voices down? Who are
you tell us now? Please? It's me Santa. Time took a step
closer. Wait a second, you're not Santa. You're that meth head dude
that got shot during a drug deal last Christmas and you had COVID too.
No, you guys don't understand. I am Santa, really sure, buddy?
And why are you here right now telling us to be quiet? Oh?
Is there a child outside that macy you delivering presents? Close? I
owe some guys some money and I don't have it, so they're gonna fucking
kill me? What time? This guy's not Santa. He's a math head
who just looks like Santa. Now you need to leave. No, I
can't. Those coons are right outside. Time man Case peaked out the window
they saw two muscular men waiting by an suv in the boking lot. Are
they just some guys, Bob? No, but they are Italian? How
did you find us? And how did you bring a non existent doorbell?
Magic and magic? Don't you too see? I am Santa, but I
couldn't let you guys really know that it would have slowed down my presence delivery
last year. Everyone would have hounded me at the hospital. So I used
my magic to make you believe I was just a lying method. No,
no, I don't buy it. Oh really, so you really think I'm
a lying method who had COVID a year ago? Yes? I do.
We did do blood work. Oh yeah, Cassanta could never use magic on
his own blood? Is that you? Are you being sarcastic right now?
I'm fucking Santa Claus, damn it. I don't think Santa would say fucking
oh, because Santa is not a grown up who can use grown up language?
Again? Are you being sarcastic? Listen? You don't care if you
our aren't Santa? We want to get some sleep because it's been a long
day. Yeah, two bank robberies and three surgeries. We just want to
get some sleep and celebrate a nice Christmas morning tomorrow. Listen, you Fox,
there won't be a Christmas if you don't help me out. I am
Christmas, don't you see? No presents, no happy children, no cheer,
no no takegetherness if you don't help me with this situation right now?
What do you think? Case, prove your Santa, like, really prove
it. Yeah, and no card tricks this time. Oh, Jesus,
I don't know it. Here, Santa hinted, Time a cell phone.
Dial that number. It's my wife, missus Claus. Yes, yes,
that's Deangela's number, d'angela. That's my wife's name. Missus Claus's first name
is Deangela. Yes, that can't be right. Honestly, Case, I
don't think i've ever heard her first name before. It's Sol, he's been
missus Claus. Still de' angela. Give her a call? What's this extension
the north pole? You're dumbash, Hey, chill, I'll call her.
While Time called missus Claus. Case took another peek outside. They're still out
there. They're looking around. Oh, man, you're gonna find me.
If I don't come up with a hundred dollars, they're going to kill me
one hundred dollars. This is all over one hundred dollars. Hello, Hi,
this is just in time of Time and Case. We're here with Sanna
and we're just Santa. Yes, is this missus Claus? Oh? Wow?
Um, I ask her? Ask her name, Missus Claus. What's
your first name? It's de Angela. Really, that's right, De'angela Claus.
Fucking told you. Santa snats the phone from time. Thanks, honey,
I'll se you soon. He hung up the phone and put his arms
on his hips, as if to say, I told you so satisfied.
Now, that could be fake. How do we know that's not just one
of your meth head friends helping you out? Oh? Come on, what
else do I have to do here? What about this? Time and Case
followed Santa to the other side of the room, where they looked out another
window. Do you see that outside on another building's roof? Nine reindeer,
and one even had a blinking red nose, you know, Rudolph? Oh
wow, is that your sleigh? No, it's Joe Pesci's, of course,
it's my sleigh. So you have been sarcastic this whole time. You're
asking JOm questions. Well, you gotta admit you're not extremely trustworthy. Last
year you were shot and had COVID. Yeah, and now this year you
need to pay off one hundred dollars debt. What's your point? These things
aren't very Santa like. Yeah, I never heard any of this stuff any
Christmas stories when I was a kid. Because this is a real world,
motherfucker. It's time you grew up. Damn, Santa is mean, Are
you gonna help me or not? I don't know. Listen, I get
it, I do. I wasn't truly trustworthy last time. But you have
to understand I couldn't reveal that I was the real Santa. It would have
been chaos. Santa doesn't get shot. He can't or can he. We
live in a rough world nowadays. The last thing people want to see,
especially children, is Santa in a tough state. I'm their hopes, in
their dreams, in their happiness. If they see me in pain, then
they're in pain. They don't need that. The world is hard enough.
I have to symbolize hope and love and togetherness. Otherwise, what do they
have? Damn you sent up? We understand. Please help me so I
may bring all the world's children some cheers. How do we help you?
Isn't it obvious? I need a hundred dollars. That's it. That's the
help you want. Yeah, unless you want to help me fight those guys
and beat them to a bloody pulp. It's Christmas Eve and we're cops.
Fine, then yes, one hundred dollars will help center out of this jam.
Time and Case gave each other a concerned look before folking over one hundred
dollars. Thank you, and because you too really understood the meaning of Christmas.
Here, he pulled two tiny presents from his back pocket. These are
for you. Oh, merry Christmas. Oh you know what, Case.
I know he lied last year, but I think we did the right thing.
Motherfucker. I gotta use needle too. I just got off the phone
with mister Butterfield, our landlord. Yeah, apparently that son of a bitch
was going around to each of the apartments here and asking people for a hundred
dollars. What about the goons in the parking lot He hired them for ten
bucks each? What about the sleigh and reindeer. Those are fake decorations.
Time. What about d Angela? That was his druggy girlfriend. Wait wait,
wait, but he had magic. What about the doorbell? He rang
an imaginary doorbell. He has a device that makes the sound of a doorbell.
They bought it on Amazon for twenty nine nine nine. What the fuck?
But he was fat this time it was a pillow under his shirt.
Wow, he duped us again. Time he duped us. He pretended to
be Santa, but he was just a meth head con artist who duped us
for a second time. Oh man, Oh and apparently he got COVID again.
Son of a bitch. Merry Christmas to all into all. A good
night called Doctor Cop Doctors Written and edited by Robert M. Lamb, starring
Jack Austin That's Just in Case and Robert M. Lamb Just in Time co
starring Abby Glover. Music provided by Kevin McLoud of incompetech dot com. If
you enjoyed this podcast, don't forget to rate and review and visit www dot
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a seven Lamb production.