WEBVTT 1 00:00:19.399 --> 00:00:23.879 What's up, positive bitches? How are we doing today? If you're hearing 2 00:00:23.960 --> 00:00:28.359 this episode, you are meant to be here, So keep listening. As 3 00:00:28.480 --> 00:00:33.840 positive bitches, we know sometimes we will laugh, other times we will cry, 4 00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:39.320 but we will always walk away from an episode feeling like an empowered positive 5 00:00:39.359 --> 00:00:47.840 bitch that is babe in total connection with herself. Today we are talking about 6 00:00:48.000 --> 00:00:53.880 Duntumpton cheating. There's no easy way to segue into this subject. It's a 7 00:00:53.880 --> 00:00:57.640 touchy one, it's a triggering one. But know that if you are triggered, 8 00:00:57.719 --> 00:01:00.359 it means you're going deeper into your pain, which means you're going deeper 9 00:01:00.439 --> 00:01:07.000 into your healing. So congratufuculations. You're moving forward and that's a beautiful direction 10 00:01:07.200 --> 00:01:12.840 to move in. Today we're going to discuss why people cheat. We're not 11 00:01:12.879 --> 00:01:18.200 going to talk about the mumbo jumbo trash I hear in the media. There's 12 00:01:18.239 --> 00:01:19.799 so much bullshit out there. We're gonna cut, cut, cut, cut, 13 00:01:19.840 --> 00:01:23.519 cut, right through so we can get to the meat of the truth 14 00:01:23.640 --> 00:01:27.799 of why people stray. What are we doing? Maybe you're the one stray 15 00:01:27.959 --> 00:01:33.799 you've experienced it. I'm going to use my personal experience because I've been on 16 00:01:34.599 --> 00:01:38.319 kind of both ends of the stick, and we're going to talk about what 17 00:01:38.359 --> 00:01:42.480 we can learn and how we can put the best energy forward so we can 18 00:01:42.599 --> 00:01:49.000 manifest a healthy, loyal, loving relationship before we get into it. If 19 00:01:49.040 --> 00:01:53.079 you're not yet following me on Instagram, be sure to follow me at a 20 00:01:53.200 --> 00:01:57.400 vibe with CC. If you've not yet joined the twenty one Day break Up 21 00:01:57.439 --> 00:02:00.840 Globe Challenge, this what are you doing? It's not about how much time 22 00:02:00.879 --> 00:02:05.280 goes by, It's about what you do with the time. In the twenty 23 00:02:05.280 --> 00:02:08.280 one Day break Up Globe Challenge, you can get twenty one days of audio 24 00:02:08.319 --> 00:02:15.159 and video lessons, downloadable worksheets, a private Facebook group chat, and meditations. 25 00:02:15.639 --> 00:02:19.439 This will help you level up to be your most magnetic self, teach 26 00:02:19.479 --> 00:02:22.400 you how to date yourself, how to move on, how to release soul 27 00:02:22.479 --> 00:02:25.840 ties, how to balance that sacred chakra, and of course so much more. 28 00:02:27.240 --> 00:02:30.879 If you're dating and you want to understand the subtle energies that are at 29 00:02:30.960 --> 00:02:35.400 play that will affect your dating life, you have to download the Calling Your 30 00:02:35.439 --> 00:02:38.960 Power Back Workbook. Both of these links are in my bio on Instagram and 31 00:02:39.039 --> 00:02:44.400 I will also put them in the show notes that you can find attached to 32 00:02:44.479 --> 00:02:47.479 this episode. If you're looking for more intimate guidance, you can of course 33 00:02:47.599 --> 00:02:53.520 dm me on Instagram to find out how I can help you one on one. 34 00:02:54.159 --> 00:03:00.199 Now whatever. Further, Ado, let's get into today's subject of cheating 35 00:03:00.360 --> 00:03:06.800 infidelity. We are talking about infidelity, so we can go in word instead 36 00:03:06.879 --> 00:03:10.759 of insane. The first thing I want to say is cheating is a symptom, 37 00:03:10.840 --> 00:03:15.599 it's not a root. If you're in a healthy, loving relationship where 38 00:03:15.639 --> 00:03:21.080 both partners are getting their needs met, you do not have to worry. 39 00:03:21.319 --> 00:03:24.199 Okay, you really don't. In fact, you should never be worried because 40 00:03:24.240 --> 00:03:28.599 worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but 41 00:03:28.759 --> 00:03:31.560 honey, it gets you know where. It is a waste of time. 42 00:03:32.400 --> 00:03:42.639 Cheating happens when one or both partners are individually unhappy. They're either not getting 43 00:03:42.680 --> 00:03:49.120 their needs met, or something internally is going on that the other partner might 44 00:03:49.159 --> 00:03:55.520 not be cognisant of. Cheating, however, is not random. You don't 45 00:03:55.599 --> 00:04:00.680 randomly get hit with the cheating stick and everything falls part. There are things 46 00:04:00.719 --> 00:04:03.520 to look for, there are things we can do. I just want to 47 00:04:03.560 --> 00:04:12.120 start with that. Next. I want us to understand what cheating is not 48 00:04:12.479 --> 00:04:16.240 so Number one, It's not random, okay. It is a symptom of 49 00:04:16.279 --> 00:04:20.439 a root that is unhealthy. If I, for example, had a bunch 50 00:04:20.600 --> 00:04:27.240 of bananas that grew and they were all fucked up and rotting, it's not 51 00:04:27.319 --> 00:04:31.319 the banana's fault. It would be something wrong with the seeds. Something happened 52 00:04:31.720 --> 00:04:36.360 while I was taking care of the bananas that caused the bananas to go south. 53 00:04:36.759 --> 00:04:42.079 If a plant was not flourishing, we wouldn't blame the plant. We 54 00:04:42.120 --> 00:04:46.199 would blame the amount of sunlight it's getting, the amount of water it's getting. 55 00:04:46.519 --> 00:04:49.240 It's the environment. It's something going on. It's not the plant. 56 00:04:49.560 --> 00:04:57.920 So the symptom is what we're looking at here, which is cheating. An 57 00:04:58.040 --> 00:05:01.279 unhealthy plant, a dying plant, a rotting plant is a symptom of it 58 00:05:01.360 --> 00:05:08.000 either not growing correctly or it being too old. So we're looking for non 59 00:05:08.079 --> 00:05:15.879 symptoms, but causes for roots roots. I want us to just take a 60 00:05:15.920 --> 00:05:19.319 second because so many of us think, oh, I have to look perfect, 61 00:05:19.399 --> 00:05:23.160 I have to be perfect. I need my job to be in line. 62 00:05:23.560 --> 00:05:26.720 I need my life to be everything I've ever imagined. Before I get 63 00:05:26.759 --> 00:05:30.079 into a relationship, I have to be enough so I don't get cheated on. 64 00:05:31.120 --> 00:05:40.120 That's fucking false. Okay, the Kardashians, Chloe Kardashians, I'm sorry, 65 00:05:40.199 --> 00:05:44.040 girl, but look has had every surgery. Whether or not she wants 66 00:05:44.079 --> 00:05:46.319 to say that, that's her right, but she's had every surgery in the 67 00:05:46.360 --> 00:05:53.279 book, every surgery. She's gotten cheated on multiple times, multiple times. 68 00:05:54.000 --> 00:06:00.920 Beyonce beautiful, amazing, talented, cheated on, should we go on? 69 00:06:01.160 --> 00:06:10.199 J Lo beautiful, amazing, talented, cheated on when Stefani beautiful, amazing, 70 00:06:10.439 --> 00:06:17.759 talented, cheated on, Fergie beautiful, beautiful, amazing, talented, 71 00:06:18.319 --> 00:06:25.199 cheated on, Jennifer Garner beautiful, amazing, talented, cheated on, Shania 72 00:06:25.279 --> 00:06:30.319 Twain, beautiful, amazing, talented, cheated on, Sandra Bullock, Gabrielle 73 00:06:30.399 --> 00:06:38.680 Union, Eva Longoria, Holly Berry, all of these women. It's not 74 00:06:38.839 --> 00:06:42.360 about what you look like. I also, I know they don't like publicly 75 00:06:42.399 --> 00:06:44.839 say, but if you think Kylie Jenner's not getting cheated on, I don't 76 00:06:44.879 --> 00:06:50.519 know what world you're living in. Kylie Jenner, beautiful, smart, businesswoman, 77 00:06:51.920 --> 00:07:00.600 billionaire, cheated on, cheated on. It's nothing to do with how 78 00:07:00.600 --> 00:07:03.839 you look and what you have. I just want us to hit that on 79 00:07:03.879 --> 00:07:11.040 the head right front and center. There are so many beautiful women that you 80 00:07:11.079 --> 00:07:15.680 know, your mother, your aunts, your sisters, your cousins, your 81 00:07:15.759 --> 00:07:19.480 friends, that get cheated on. Cheating is not random, but it also 82 00:07:19.519 --> 00:07:24.240 has nothing to do with you. When you're the one getting cheated on, 83 00:07:25.000 --> 00:07:27.959 It's none of your fucking business. Do you get the brunt of it? 84 00:07:28.000 --> 00:07:33.199 App so fucking lootlely, but it's none of your business. When I initiated 85 00:07:33.279 --> 00:07:36.920 a break with my partner a couple of years ago, and it ended up 86 00:07:38.000 --> 00:07:42.480 not happening because we still kept seeing each other, we still kept hanging out. 87 00:07:42.680 --> 00:07:47.199 We were pretty much still dating and being intimate. I remember when I 88 00:07:47.240 --> 00:07:51.560 found out that he slept with someone else. I was like, what the 89 00:07:51.800 --> 00:07:57.079 fuck? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? I was like, 90 00:07:57.519 --> 00:08:01.079 I've given you everything, I've taken you to beautiful places? How could 91 00:08:01.079 --> 00:08:05.480 you do this to me? And we always want to ask ourselves, just 92 00:08:05.560 --> 00:08:09.439 because we're human, what's wrong with me? Why wasn't an eye enough to 93 00:08:09.560 --> 00:08:13.560 stop that from happening? I felt like such a failure. Even though an 94 00:08:13.680 --> 00:08:16.879 ended relationship isn't a failure, it's an open door to the next season. 95 00:08:18.439 --> 00:08:22.199 I felt like such a loser, a failure. I felt like I wasn't 96 00:08:22.199 --> 00:08:28.120 pretty enough, I wasn't hot enough. I wasn't enough period, I wasn't 97 00:08:28.199 --> 00:08:35.039 happy enough. I just felt like this somehow was completely my fault and there 98 00:08:35.120 --> 00:08:39.519 was something wrong with me. I wasn't adventurous enough. I just felt like 99 00:08:39.559 --> 00:08:43.279 it was me. I just I wasn't enough. And I talked to so 100 00:08:43.360 --> 00:08:46.759 many women all around the world, and we all think the same thing. 101 00:08:46.879 --> 00:08:50.759 We're all thinking, oh my god, I'm the one who got cheated on, 102 00:08:50.200 --> 00:08:56.600 so obviously I'm not enough. But the data shows that that is fucking 103 00:08:56.679 --> 00:09:01.240 false, because it can't be possible that all these women who are beautiful, 104 00:09:01.639 --> 00:09:09.039 talented billionaires have everything they could ever want, have options galore. They're not 105 00:09:09.240 --> 00:09:15.000 enough too. No, No, even though we are getting the brunt, 106 00:09:15.120 --> 00:09:20.600 it has so much more to do with them and so little to do with 107 00:09:20.720 --> 00:09:24.840 us. Sometimes it's just divine timing, and the only way we can get 108 00:09:24.879 --> 00:09:30.799 out and onto the next relationship is if we get really hurt. I remember 109 00:09:31.039 --> 00:09:33.600 that when I was in that relationship and I was trying to go through a 110 00:09:33.639 --> 00:09:37.159 break, I was trying to get away from the relationship, but because of 111 00:09:37.200 --> 00:09:41.639 my codependency, I wasn't able to unattach from him. I remember saying to 112 00:09:41.720 --> 00:09:45.519 God, you know, the only way I'll be able to break up with 113 00:09:45.600 --> 00:09:48.799 him is if he does something to me or like he leaves me. He 114 00:09:48.840 --> 00:09:52.159 breaks up with me and lo and behold. That's what ended up happening, 115 00:09:52.720 --> 00:09:56.919 and that was perfect divine timing for me to keep moving on. But at 116 00:09:56.960 --> 00:10:01.000 the same time, I was trying to wrap my head around why would this 117 00:10:01.080 --> 00:10:07.799 happen to me? There's something wrong with me? Why we think it's us? 118 00:10:07.960 --> 00:10:13.799 Thinking is not fact, it's an energy. Thinking is not fact. 119 00:10:13.480 --> 00:10:20.399 Why do people actually cheat? People cheat when they feel like they're missing something 120 00:10:20.600 --> 00:10:28.480 internally, it's about them. When we feel like we're missing commitment or connection, 121 00:10:28.440 --> 00:10:33.919 or stability or even excitement, some of us will try to fill this 122 00:10:35.000 --> 00:10:37.600 hole with oreos, and some of us will try to fill this hole with 123 00:10:37.759 --> 00:10:45.240 a penis or a yoni, depending on what we're going for. We're trying 124 00:10:45.279 --> 00:10:50.879 to stuff ourselves up because we don't want to look at the current circumstance because 125 00:10:50.879 --> 00:11:00.440 it's simply too painful. Whether you're feeling a whole because you're lacking connection or 126 00:11:00.559 --> 00:11:07.159 excitement, the reason we're even feeling a hole is because we're not getting one 127 00:11:07.200 --> 00:11:13.080 of our needs met. And as humans, when we feel like one of 128 00:11:13.080 --> 00:11:16.840 our needs aren't being met, we will go to the ends of the earth 129 00:11:16.879 --> 00:11:22.840 in order to fulfill that need. I think a lot of us get confused 130 00:11:22.159 --> 00:11:26.440 that sex is intimacy and connection, but please understand, it's not sex to 131 00:11:26.519 --> 00:11:31.360 sex, and all sex is not intimacy. Sometimes it can be, but 132 00:11:31.440 --> 00:11:35.039 it's not all the time. Other times it's just skin pushing and rubbing and 133 00:11:35.240 --> 00:11:41.240 grubbing. Okay, But the point I'm trying to make here is that when 134 00:11:41.399 --> 00:11:45.759 someone strays or when someone cheats, it's not about you and not being enough. 135 00:11:46.200 --> 00:11:50.080 It's that they feel like they're not having enough of one of their needs 136 00:11:50.200 --> 00:11:56.440 met. It's not about you, it's about them feeling unfulfilled, and so 137 00:11:56.519 --> 00:12:00.120 they're trying to fill their holes with maybe a yoni, maybe a penis. 138 00:12:01.240 --> 00:12:03.200 We wish they would just take the oreos in this case, but they don't. 139 00:12:05.639 --> 00:12:11.000 There are six human needs that I've learned about when I was becoming a 140 00:12:11.039 --> 00:12:16.679 certified life coach, and these six human needs are something that all humans, 141 00:12:16.840 --> 00:12:22.200 regardless of age or gender, or race or country that you live in, 142 00:12:22.759 --> 00:12:26.679 we all fulfill these six human needs in our life, and when we don't, 143 00:12:28.120 --> 00:12:33.960 we can start to feel anxious or angry, or upset or depressed. 144 00:12:35.120 --> 00:12:46.679 I have found through life experience with cheating and intimacy that these six human needs 145 00:12:46.120 --> 00:12:54.320 don't just apply to ourselves, but they apply when someone strays too. Now, 146 00:12:54.360 --> 00:12:58.519 this might seem a little confusing now, but don't worry, because we're 147 00:12:58.519 --> 00:13:03.559 going to break it all down. The six human needs are certainty, uncertainty, 148 00:13:03.879 --> 00:13:11.120 significance, connection, slash, love, growth, and contribution. However, 149 00:13:13.480 --> 00:13:18.559 these six human needs, when they're not being fulfilled in our relationship, 150 00:13:20.480 --> 00:13:24.480 can cause us to stray. So, yes, we all need certainty, 151 00:13:24.559 --> 00:13:28.440 we all need variety or uncertainty, we all need significance, connection, growth, 152 00:13:28.480 --> 00:13:33.720 and contribution as an individual, but we also need these six human needs 153 00:13:35.080 --> 00:13:39.960 in our relationship. And I'm going to explain to you that when we don't 154 00:13:39.960 --> 00:13:46.039 get these six human needs filled in our relationship, it can start to wither, 155 00:13:46.279 --> 00:13:52.679 and it can cause one or both partners to begin to stray, because, 156 00:13:52.720 --> 00:13:56.159 like I said before, we will go to the ends of the earth 157 00:13:56.240 --> 00:13:58.399 to get our needs met. It might not be healthy for us, it 158 00:13:58.480 --> 00:14:01.399 might not be good for us, It might actually be terrible for us. 159 00:14:01.799 --> 00:14:07.039 But we will do whatever we have to do in order to get these six 160 00:14:07.399 --> 00:14:15.120 human needs met. The first human need is certainty. This is assurance that 161 00:14:15.159 --> 00:14:18.759 you can avoid pain and gain pleasure. This is an assurance you know where 162 00:14:18.799 --> 00:14:20.279 your next meal is coming, you know there's going to be a roof over 163 00:14:20.320 --> 00:14:26.480 your head. That's when it's at an individual level. However, we also 164 00:14:26.559 --> 00:14:31.360 need certainty in a relationship. Certainty that I can count on you, Certainty 165 00:14:31.519 --> 00:14:33.879 that you're going to be there when I need you, Certainty that that person 166 00:14:33.960 --> 00:14:37.399 is going to call you or text you, that you and this other person 167 00:14:37.480 --> 00:14:43.960 are an item. When we do not have certainty coming from our relationship, 168 00:14:43.879 --> 00:14:48.440 we will look for certainty outside of our relationship. Certainty that we can have 169 00:14:48.440 --> 00:14:52.919 an emotional or physical affair with someone else. Certainty that we know how to 170 00:14:52.000 --> 00:14:56.759 ruin the relationship. Certainty that there will be someone else there for us all 171 00:14:56.840 --> 00:15:01.120 of the time, which may cause us to stray. So see how this 172 00:15:01.200 --> 00:15:05.639 is affecting us. Yeah, we all have certainty in our life, certainty 173 00:15:05.720 --> 00:15:09.000 of a roof over our head and a meal on the table. But we 174 00:15:09.039 --> 00:15:13.639 also need this certainty when it comes to our relationship and when we don't really 175 00:15:13.679 --> 00:15:16.000 know if this person's there for us are hot and then cold, hot and 176 00:15:16.039 --> 00:15:22.159 then cold. It causes us to get so clouded in our head that we 177 00:15:22.240 --> 00:15:26.240 get so emotional, so uptight, start energetically chasing, and then we freak 178 00:15:26.279 --> 00:15:31.159 out and we become certain that we will connect with someone else, We will 179 00:15:31.159 --> 00:15:37.000 find stability somewhere else, and it can cause us to cheat if we don't 180 00:15:37.000 --> 00:15:41.279 know if that person is going to be there for us. We will figure 181 00:15:41.279 --> 00:15:45.360 out how to know someone else will be there for us. We will figure 182 00:15:45.399 --> 00:15:50.200 out how to know how to ruin the relationship. We will find certainty. 183 00:15:50.519 --> 00:15:54.960 Will it be positive certainty or will it be negative certainty? We don't care. 184 00:15:54.480 --> 00:15:58.919 That's a thing. That's why so many of us have maladaptive coping mechanisms, 185 00:16:00.000 --> 00:16:03.440 because we don't care how we fulfill these needs. If it's good for 186 00:16:03.519 --> 00:16:07.480 us, if it's bad for us, don't fucking care. You can just 187 00:16:07.559 --> 00:16:11.039 bet your ass that I will have certainty met. It might be certainty that 188 00:16:11.080 --> 00:16:14.639 you're going to text me every day, or I'm going to text you every 189 00:16:14.720 --> 00:16:18.720 day, or I'm going to find certainty that I will get that security from 190 00:16:18.759 --> 00:16:26.879 someone else next. As much as we need certainty, if we have too 191 00:16:27.000 --> 00:16:30.759 much certainty, we get bored. I was actually talking to one of my 192 00:16:30.799 --> 00:16:37.279 clients today about this, how sometimes we can fear a really healthy relationship because 193 00:16:37.480 --> 00:16:45.919 it sounds kind of boring, and then we try to look to create arguments 194 00:16:45.120 --> 00:16:49.039 or drama because we're used to the drama and we like what we're used to. 195 00:16:49.840 --> 00:16:56.080 Instead of referring to your relationships and wanting drama out of them because you're 196 00:16:56.120 --> 00:17:00.440 afraid they're going to be boring, switch out the word draw mama for uncertainty, 197 00:17:00.480 --> 00:17:06.640 because that's what you actually are looking for. We want uncertainty, or 198 00:17:06.720 --> 00:17:11.240 another way to say this is variety, and this is the need for unknown 199 00:17:11.480 --> 00:17:15.279 change or new stimuli. We all need variety during our days, but we 200 00:17:15.359 --> 00:17:22.000 also need it in our relationship. When we feel like our partner has just 201 00:17:22.119 --> 00:17:30.319 become our roommate or this spark is kind of withering out, we will look 202 00:17:30.400 --> 00:17:37.319 for excitement in other places. A lot of people stray outside of the relationship 203 00:17:37.480 --> 00:17:42.400 because they're looking for a thrill. They're looking for excitement, they're looking to 204 00:17:42.640 --> 00:17:48.759 feel like another part of their selves is activated and is able to be explored. 205 00:17:49.359 --> 00:17:53.680 So as much as we may stray to get certainty from someone else. 206 00:17:55.200 --> 00:18:00.720 We also will strike for the exact opposite reason to get variety, to get 207 00:18:00.759 --> 00:18:03.440 excitement. Ooh, my partner never allows me to feel like this. Ooh, 208 00:18:03.480 --> 00:18:07.240 I never get to do this. Ooh, someone new is giving me 209 00:18:07.319 --> 00:18:15.920 attention. We're looking for that excitement. So not only again are we straying 210 00:18:15.000 --> 00:18:19.640 maybe because we're not getting certainty from our partner, but it can be the 211 00:18:19.720 --> 00:18:26.279 exact opposite that we're looking for that excitement, something new, a new flavor, 212 00:18:26.680 --> 00:18:30.599 because honestly, I think about it, if you ate the same exact 213 00:18:30.640 --> 00:18:34.000 thing every single day, and you wore the same thing every single day, 214 00:18:34.000 --> 00:18:37.440 and you did the exact same thing every single day, you would get bored 215 00:18:37.440 --> 00:18:41.400 of it. But when you're in a monogamous relationship, you're kissing the same 216 00:18:41.400 --> 00:18:45.079 person every day, you're holding that same person's hand, you're spending your whole 217 00:18:45.079 --> 00:18:51.880 life with them. There are times where that can feel a little bit bland. 218 00:18:52.400 --> 00:18:56.920 But there are ways to recreate I should say, sparks in your relationships 219 00:18:56.920 --> 00:19:03.000 and keep it exciting without having to go outside of the relationship. We've only 220 00:19:03.000 --> 00:19:07.640 talked about two of the six, but so far, both of these things 221 00:19:07.720 --> 00:19:12.839 have to do with the person's internal needs. Not being met. They have 222 00:19:12.920 --> 00:19:17.440 nothing to do with how skinny you are, how curvy you are, what 223 00:19:17.559 --> 00:19:21.839 your hair looks like, what your skin looks like, how wealthy you are, 224 00:19:22.119 --> 00:19:26.119 and what your life is. That's it. That's it. Are we 225 00:19:26.240 --> 00:19:32.359 understanding this now? It's about how the person is feeling internally. When they 226 00:19:32.519 --> 00:19:36.680 start to feel hold, they're going to try to get that whole filled in 227 00:19:36.799 --> 00:19:40.640 any possible way they can. Whether it's negative or positive, nobody cares. 228 00:19:41.359 --> 00:19:45.240 They're just trying to get it filled. The next human need is significance. 229 00:19:45.799 --> 00:19:51.319 So we all want to feel unique and important and special, and we also 230 00:19:51.400 --> 00:19:56.599 want to feel this in our relationships. So when we are looking for a 231 00:19:56.920 --> 00:20:00.960 boost of self esteem, oh someone's checking us out. Oh my god, 232 00:20:00.960 --> 00:20:06.440 my partner never gives me the sort of attention that can lead us to stray. 233 00:20:07.279 --> 00:20:11.279 There is actually so many studies that men tend to cheat. I'm sorry 234 00:20:11.519 --> 00:20:15.839 this is going to unlock a new fear for you, but i'd rather you 235 00:20:15.920 --> 00:20:21.559 know so you can take preventive measures to make sure this doesn't happen to you. 236 00:20:22.160 --> 00:20:26.880 But they found that ten percent of fathers to be cheat on their partners 237 00:20:26.960 --> 00:20:33.240 during pregnancy. Why would this be if you think about it. When the 238 00:20:33.279 --> 00:20:37.759 woman is pregnant, she's getting all the attention, she's getting her feet rob, 239 00:20:37.960 --> 00:20:42.279 she's getting the baby shower, she's the one holding the baby. This 240 00:20:42.440 --> 00:20:48.559 can lead a lot of men to feel insignificant and therefore want an ego boost 241 00:20:48.640 --> 00:20:56.400 from outside sources. That's just one specific study that I just found really interesting 242 00:20:56.440 --> 00:20:59.359 because you hear a lot oh my god, how could you cheat on her? 243 00:20:59.480 --> 00:21:02.920 Your wife was pregnant. But this is one of the reasons why people 244 00:21:03.000 --> 00:21:04.799 cheat. So we're going to talk about it. But it doesn't have to 245 00:21:04.839 --> 00:21:11.359 just be men. If we're feeling like we aren't getting the attention of our 246 00:21:11.400 --> 00:21:15.119 partner, if we feel like we need an ego boost, we will do 247 00:21:15.160 --> 00:21:18.279 this too. Now, this is something I've never talked about on That bitch 248 00:21:18.319 --> 00:21:23.200 is positive, so get ready. When I was first dating my current partner, 249 00:21:23.279 --> 00:21:27.839 I was eighteen. Oh that was so long ago, and we met 250 00:21:27.880 --> 00:21:33.000 on Tinder and I can't remember if we actually met in person yet, but 251 00:21:33.079 --> 00:21:37.559 we started talking and we were definitely face timing, and we might have met 252 00:21:37.480 --> 00:21:41.599 maybe once or not at all, I'm not really sure, but it was 253 00:21:41.799 --> 00:21:45.160 very very early on. We did not have any sort of title yet we 254 00:21:45.160 --> 00:21:49.720 were barely dating, and I remember I kept asking him like, oh, 255 00:21:49.759 --> 00:21:53.319 come out to Foredom because that's where I went to college, and she would 256 00:21:53.319 --> 00:22:02.319 never come. And so I remember it was one of the first beginning weeks 257 00:22:02.359 --> 00:22:07.319 that I was at college and this guy I was kind of dancing with him 258 00:22:07.359 --> 00:22:08.960 and he kissed me, and he kissed me. I just want to make 259 00:22:10.000 --> 00:22:12.200 that really he did kiss me, okay, And I remember feeling like, 260 00:22:12.200 --> 00:22:15.480 oh my god, did I just cheat? I was eighteen years old. 261 00:22:15.480 --> 00:22:18.200 I didn't know, and I was like, oh my god. I was 262 00:22:18.359 --> 00:22:21.920 to my roommate. I was like, what do I do. I don't 263 00:22:21.920 --> 00:22:25.759 know. We just kiss, Like do I tell Arasmo or do I not? 264 00:22:25.960 --> 00:22:27.799 Like we're kind of dating. I was like, I don't know how 265 00:22:27.799 --> 00:22:32.599 the fuck this works, and she was she was like, don't say anything. 266 00:22:32.920 --> 00:22:36.200 And there's this kid that we all called him Guido because he literally was 267 00:22:36.279 --> 00:22:37.759 out of Jersey Shore. Like I'm telling you, he looked like Guido. 268 00:22:37.839 --> 00:22:42.279 He talked like a Guido, he acted like a Guido, and he was 269 00:22:42.359 --> 00:22:45.240 like Cecy. His hands were like on his head. He was like, 270 00:22:45.319 --> 00:22:49.000 do not say anything. You guys aren't even serious. He does not need 271 00:22:49.039 --> 00:22:53.160 to know, like do not say anything, and so I was like okay, 272 00:22:53.279 --> 00:22:56.720 fine, I like, I won't and I was like I can't. 273 00:22:56.759 --> 00:22:59.799 I have to. So literally I walk out of the bar and I called 274 00:23:00.079 --> 00:23:03.160 FaceTime and recall him. I'm like him, I don't know if this is 275 00:23:03.240 --> 00:23:07.039 like allowed or not, Like I don't really know. For dating, I 276 00:23:07.119 --> 00:23:11.000 just I don't know we're talking, I guess, but I did just kiss 277 00:23:11.079 --> 00:23:14.880 someone, and I just want you to know. Yeah, just putting that 278 00:23:14.920 --> 00:23:19.759 out there. So really what that was all about was I felt like I 279 00:23:19.880 --> 00:23:26.359 kept asking him to come out to ford them, and I kept wanting to 280 00:23:26.480 --> 00:23:33.359 feel that connection but also like boost of like yeah, this is my person 281 00:23:33.440 --> 00:23:37.599 that I'm with, and when he wasn't giving me that significance, I found 282 00:23:37.640 --> 00:23:41.519 it in someone else. And yes, that person kissed me, but realistically 283 00:23:41.519 --> 00:23:42.799 I could have like punched his face and I could have gotten a way. 284 00:23:42.839 --> 00:23:48.920 I didn't. I let it happen. So it was just really something interesting 285 00:23:48.680 --> 00:23:51.839 and yeah, I called him and everything was fine. He was like, 286 00:23:51.880 --> 00:23:55.039 Okay, you can relax, like we're not, you know, in a 287 00:23:55.039 --> 00:23:56.839 committed relationship. It's okay, but thank you so much for telling me. 288 00:23:57.160 --> 00:24:03.000 And I was like okay, okay, and so that was that. But 289 00:24:03.079 --> 00:24:08.079 the reason I did that was because I was wanting to feel that significance of 290 00:24:08.799 --> 00:24:14.480 being someone's girlfriend or girl, and he wasn't giving me that, but the 291 00:24:14.519 --> 00:24:21.319 guy at the bar was, and that is what really psychologically seduced me and 292 00:24:21.720 --> 00:24:27.599 caused that to unfold. So sometimes it can be we're feeling neglected in our 293 00:24:27.640 --> 00:24:33.119 relationship, or we're looking for a boost of self esteem, or we're feeling 294 00:24:33.640 --> 00:24:38.240 lonely and we're looking for someone else to give us that validation or that significance. 295 00:24:38.720 --> 00:24:44.039 And I feel like if I had to say that there was a number 296 00:24:44.079 --> 00:24:48.720 one reason why people cheat, I would really say it's because we don't feel 297 00:24:48.720 --> 00:24:52.519 significant and connected, and so we will try to find that because it's one 298 00:24:52.559 --> 00:24:59.680 of our higher needs. The next one that's really closely tied also to significance 299 00:24:59.759 --> 00:25:03.920 is connection and love. We all need a feeling of closeness or union with 300 00:25:03.960 --> 00:25:10.440 other people or some sort of organization, So we also need this in our 301 00:25:10.440 --> 00:25:17.119 relationship. When we start feeling dissatisfied with our partner, it becomes really easy 302 00:25:17.200 --> 00:25:21.720 to then see all the things that they're doing wrong. What you look for, 303 00:25:22.200 --> 00:25:25.960 you will find, and the more you find what they're not doing right, 304 00:25:26.079 --> 00:25:27.640 the more you're gonna want to get the fuck away from them. The 305 00:25:27.680 --> 00:25:30.759 more you find what they're not doing right, the more you're gonna want to 306 00:25:30.920 --> 00:25:34.599 stray, and vice versa. The more they see that is wrong with you, 307 00:25:34.920 --> 00:25:41.599 the more they're basically convincing themselves to just get with someone else. I 308 00:25:41.720 --> 00:25:48.160 remember when my boyfriend went on a business trip and my mom was also away, 309 00:25:48.599 --> 00:25:53.000 so I was all alone. And this was when my codependency was getting 310 00:25:53.079 --> 00:25:57.000 really badly triggered. And I was working with a therapist and Shaman's and all 311 00:25:57.039 --> 00:26:00.359 of that. But even when he was on a business trip, I felt 312 00:26:00.400 --> 00:26:03.279 that pull of, oh my god, I wish anyone was here to give 313 00:26:03.279 --> 00:26:07.480 me connection and love. And I was in a committed relationship. But when 314 00:26:07.480 --> 00:26:12.599 you're dealing with codependency, anxious attachment, and you're feeling all of these holes, 315 00:26:12.920 --> 00:26:15.160 you will say to yourself, oh my god, I wish literally anyone 316 00:26:15.279 --> 00:26:18.640 was here. I just feel so lonely. Do you really mean it? 317 00:26:18.720 --> 00:26:22.400 Not really, but do you think it? Yeah? And that's what gets 318 00:26:22.400 --> 00:26:27.000 people into trouble. Thank god I was working with a therapist and shamans and 319 00:26:27.079 --> 00:26:30.599 doing my work, or else something bad could have happened. If I wasn't 320 00:26:30.720 --> 00:26:36.400 mega aware of my codependency and my tendencies, then something could have happened. 321 00:26:36.440 --> 00:26:38.200 But because I am, I know when to stop myself, and I know 322 00:26:38.279 --> 00:26:42.359 what boundaries I need to have with myself, and I have a greater understanding. 323 00:26:42.720 --> 00:26:45.839 But most of us, I would say, I mean, if you're 324 00:26:45.880 --> 00:26:51.440 a positive bit, you're much more like me. But most of the world 325 00:26:51.640 --> 00:26:56.559 is not thinking to themselves, Oh, I'm feeling my codependency spike up right 326 00:26:56.599 --> 00:27:00.400 now, and that's why I'm wanting connection from literally fucking anyone could be a 327 00:27:00.400 --> 00:27:06.559 wall. So we want to keep this in mind. Sometimes our stuff from 328 00:27:06.720 --> 00:27:10.720 childhood that oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I 329 00:27:10.799 --> 00:27:12.640 need connection right now, I need love right now. We think we have 330 00:27:12.720 --> 00:27:17.599 to rely on someone outside of us because that's a dynamic we learned with our 331 00:27:17.680 --> 00:27:22.480 caregiver. But really we can learn to give ourselves this love. We can 332 00:27:22.599 --> 00:27:26.119 learn to date our self, and we can learn to create safe spaces for 333 00:27:26.240 --> 00:27:30.279 ourselves, so we don't need to rely even on a partner or a random 334 00:27:30.319 --> 00:27:37.680 stranger to fulfill that connection and love whole within us. So so far, 335 00:27:37.799 --> 00:27:41.880 we talked about some people will cheat because they're looking for certainty, certainty they 336 00:27:41.880 --> 00:27:45.359 know how to ruin a relationship, or a certainty they know how to cheat, 337 00:27:45.480 --> 00:27:49.319 or a certainty from someone else because their current partner is up in the 338 00:27:49.319 --> 00:27:52.960 air, not giving them any answers and being hot and cold. Sometimes people 339 00:27:53.039 --> 00:27:56.960 cheap because they're looking for the exact opposite. They're looking for excitement, they're 340 00:27:57.000 --> 00:28:02.000 looking for variety. Sometimes people cheat because they want that ego boosts, that 341 00:28:02.079 --> 00:28:06.160 self esteem boosts. They want to feel significant. And sometimes they cheat because 342 00:28:06.200 --> 00:28:11.240 they're looking for love and connection that they're not able to get from their relationship. 343 00:28:11.319 --> 00:28:15.599 Two more here. The fifth one is growth, and we all want 344 00:28:15.640 --> 00:28:19.079 growth on an individual level. We all want to feel like we can expand 345 00:28:19.240 --> 00:28:25.960 we have the capacity and capability to understand and to grow. If we are 346 00:28:26.039 --> 00:28:29.640 not growing, we are dying. And it's the same thing with relationships. 347 00:28:30.000 --> 00:28:33.559 If you're not growing this relationship, if you're not watering this relationship, it 348 00:28:33.799 --> 00:28:44.200 will die. It will die. I have seen with my friends that one 349 00:28:45.920 --> 00:28:49.759 let's just name these people, Barbara and Brad. I've seen where Brad starts 350 00:28:49.799 --> 00:28:57.200 calling less and then Barbara gets disenchanted with the whole fucking relationship and they just 351 00:28:57.240 --> 00:29:02.960 start naturally straying away from one another, and neither of them are trying to 352 00:29:03.000 --> 00:29:07.759 make it better, neither of them are saying anything, and so it leads 353 00:29:07.759 --> 00:29:12.599 to such a low level connection that one of them ends up straying. I 354 00:29:12.640 --> 00:29:18.799 think that when you're not growing together, like I said, the relationship is 355 00:29:19.000 --> 00:29:23.680 dying. Now. There are certain seasons where someone is really busy, or 356 00:29:23.720 --> 00:29:30.079 someone is just really tired, or someone is doing whatever. I'm talking multiple 357 00:29:30.119 --> 00:29:36.279 seasons, multiple seasons across a year. You're either growing together or you're dying 358 00:29:36.319 --> 00:29:40.759 together, and you're dying separately. By the way, there is a quote 359 00:29:40.759 --> 00:29:44.920 that says true love is not two people looking at one another, it's two 360 00:29:44.920 --> 00:29:48.599 people looking in the same direction. And I couldn't agree more. I think 361 00:29:49.359 --> 00:29:53.519 more so than cheat on, a lot of people break up when they feel 362 00:29:53.559 --> 00:29:57.920 like the other person isn't growing with them. When you feel like you're soaring 363 00:29:59.039 --> 00:30:03.640 high, wanting huge things for your life and this other person is fine doing 364 00:30:03.720 --> 00:30:07.640 not much. I think most people break up over this, but it can 365 00:30:07.680 --> 00:30:14.079 be a possible reason that someone cheats too, when they're seeing someone with all 366 00:30:14.160 --> 00:30:15.880 the things that they want and they're like, oh my god, I want 367 00:30:15.920 --> 00:30:19.640 that me being with that person is going to allow me to be closer to 368 00:30:19.759 --> 00:30:22.759 that feeling. Again, it's all about how they're feeling, and then they 369 00:30:22.839 --> 00:30:29.240 cheat. It's just something to keep in mind. And the last thing is 370 00:30:29.440 --> 00:30:33.319 contribution. We all need to feel a sense of service and focus on helping 371 00:30:33.359 --> 00:30:38.400 other people. Now, the way I apply this to relationships is a little 372 00:30:38.400 --> 00:30:44.039 bit different. So yeah, Tony Robbins talks about how all the things we 373 00:30:44.119 --> 00:30:47.640 talked about we all need on an individual level. What I'm doing is taking 374 00:30:47.680 --> 00:30:52.519 these needs and then applying it to why people actually when they don't get these 375 00:30:52.559 --> 00:30:56.519 met cheat Because I swear to God, this is the truth. Now, 376 00:30:56.759 --> 00:31:00.119 when they talk about contribution, that's a sense of doing charity work. But 377 00:31:00.200 --> 00:31:04.200 when we're talking about contribution in the way I'm framing it for why people cheat, 378 00:31:06.039 --> 00:31:11.759 I'm talking about what contributing factors are there. Sometimes what happens is there's 379 00:31:11.880 --> 00:31:15.519 alcohol involved, and alcohol isn't an excuse, And this is what I'm what 380 00:31:15.599 --> 00:31:18.079 I'm going to tell you. People say, oh my god, I was 381 00:31:18.119 --> 00:31:21.559 so drunk and I was so fucked up, and so I cheated in a 382 00:31:21.640 --> 00:31:27.799 bait. But alcohol is a disinhibitor. So usually maybe we have these fantasies 383 00:31:27.839 --> 00:31:32.759 of cheating or whatever, and we would never actually act on them. We're 384 00:31:32.799 --> 00:31:34.160 like, yeah, like it would be really cool to be with that person, 385 00:31:34.200 --> 00:31:37.200 but I would never actually do it. It's just a fantasy. What 386 00:31:37.319 --> 00:31:44.519 alcohol does is it disinhibit to you, so your inhibitors of I think about 387 00:31:44.559 --> 00:31:47.799 it, but I would never do it is basically cut up and thrown away. 388 00:31:48.119 --> 00:31:51.599 And alcohol makes you a little bit looser, a little bit more open 389 00:31:51.720 --> 00:31:56.880 to what you previously have said you would never do. So contributing factor why 390 00:31:56.920 --> 00:32:01.119 someone might cheats. It's not charity work, because remember, contribution is a 391 00:32:01.160 --> 00:32:05.400 sense of service and focus on helping others. That's when it applies to the 392 00:32:05.440 --> 00:32:09.319 individual. When it applies to the relationship, we're talking about contributing factors. 393 00:32:09.400 --> 00:32:15.240 Here, a contributing factor is alcohol. It can also be anger when someone 394 00:32:15.279 --> 00:32:17.519 wants to get back at their partner, something they do sometimes which is so 395 00:32:17.599 --> 00:32:21.880 fucked up. It's cheat on them, which is something you should never ever 396 00:32:22.119 --> 00:32:28.880 do. So altogether, these six reasons people cheat, And this is the 397 00:32:28.920 --> 00:32:30.559 way I'm framing it. This is how I see the world, this is 398 00:32:30.599 --> 00:32:40.599 my perspective, this is my truth. I also want to say that I 399 00:32:40.640 --> 00:32:50.000 want to go back to number three significance because when I initiated a break with 400 00:32:50.039 --> 00:32:55.559 my partner and I kept saying, you know, I'm not really sure if 401 00:32:55.559 --> 00:32:59.680 I want to be in a relationship. But then I couldn't unplug from him 402 00:33:00.079 --> 00:33:02.119 when he ended up sleeping with someone else, and I asked him, like, 403 00:33:02.200 --> 00:33:06.960 why did you do that? He said two things. One was an 404 00:33:07.000 --> 00:33:14.559 ego boost and the other thing was feeling that connection to someone else. So 405 00:33:15.240 --> 00:33:19.519 I want to bring up that sometimes it can also be a mixture of these 406 00:33:19.559 --> 00:33:22.319 answers. I was kind of shutting him out and he was still wanting to 407 00:33:22.359 --> 00:33:25.759 connect to me, and I wasn't connecting to him. So what did he 408 00:33:25.880 --> 00:33:30.079 do? He wanted to feel that ego boost from someone else and wanted to 409 00:33:30.079 --> 00:33:34.119 connect to someone else, and so he did. I just want to say, 410 00:33:34.640 --> 00:33:38.079 if you have cheated or someone has cheated on you, cheating doesn't make 411 00:33:38.200 --> 00:33:43.960 someone evil. It makes someone who doesn't know how to communicate and someone who 412 00:33:44.000 --> 00:33:49.160 doesn't know how to healthily get their needs met. There's no villains here. 413 00:33:50.680 --> 00:33:52.799 Of course, there's certain stories where people sound like a fucking villain. Okay, 414 00:33:52.839 --> 00:33:57.240 I'm just going to say that, but there's really no villain. People 415 00:33:57.359 --> 00:34:00.759 do bad things when they're trying to fulfill their needs. It's just a fucking 416 00:34:00.839 --> 00:34:04.559 fact, Like that's just true. People will do whatever they have to do 417 00:34:04.880 --> 00:34:07.320 in order to fulfill their needs because they're not thinking about us at all. 418 00:34:07.360 --> 00:34:12.679 Actually, they're thinking about I'm feeling so low, I'm feeling so lonely, 419 00:34:12.760 --> 00:34:17.920 I'm feeling so insignificant. What can I do. What's the fastest, most 420 00:34:20.679 --> 00:34:22.599 easy way for me to get my need met? And let me go do 421 00:34:22.679 --> 00:34:27.800 that. Now, if you're listening to this and you're like CC, I 422 00:34:27.960 --> 00:34:30.920 have so many new fears unlocked, do not worry. I would never just 423 00:34:31.039 --> 00:34:36.719 drop these on you and then not give you advice on how to pretty much 424 00:34:37.639 --> 00:34:44.400 prevent I would say, prevent these cheating things from happening. The number one 425 00:34:44.519 --> 00:34:50.280 thing you need is open dialogue with your partner, because I would so much 426 00:34:50.360 --> 00:34:52.760 rather my partners say, look, i'm having these feelings, I'm having these 427 00:34:52.760 --> 00:34:57.159 thoughts, than them acting on them and thinking they have to keep it from 428 00:34:57.159 --> 00:35:00.400 me. When I was initiating a break with my partner years ago, I 429 00:35:00.480 --> 00:35:06.800 was telling him, look, I'm having really weird feelings and thoughts about other 430 00:35:06.880 --> 00:35:10.599 people, and I'm feeling like, really disconnected from this relationship. I didn't 431 00:35:10.599 --> 00:35:15.840 have the six human needs and now the six relationship needs as I'm calling them. 432 00:35:15.239 --> 00:35:20.079 I didn't have these words to communicate to my partner, but I wish 433 00:35:20.119 --> 00:35:22.760 I could have said, I'm feeling not significant, I'm not feeling connected, 434 00:35:22.760 --> 00:35:27.400 and I feel no variety. I didn't have those words to express to him, 435 00:35:27.599 --> 00:35:30.280 so instead I was like, I'm having weird thoughts about other people and 436 00:35:30.320 --> 00:35:32.000 I'm having weird feelings. And he didn't know what the fuck to do with 437 00:35:32.039 --> 00:35:36.840 that, and he's like, what the fuck does that even mean? Having 438 00:35:36.880 --> 00:35:42.480 an open dialogue and also having the words to describe your experience is super important. 439 00:35:42.840 --> 00:35:46.480 So listening to podcast episodes like this one and other creators is really important. 440 00:35:46.840 --> 00:35:52.440 AKA. Understanding yourself and what you need is really important. Having a 441 00:35:52.480 --> 00:35:59.719 safe space with your partner is again of utmost importance. I feel so safe 442 00:35:59.760 --> 00:36:04.159 to my partner anything, and I pray to God that he feels the same 443 00:36:04.199 --> 00:36:08.840 way about telling me. And sometimes we have really difficult conversations about money, 444 00:36:09.239 --> 00:36:15.119 about future, about buying a home, about kids, even how we're going 445 00:36:15.199 --> 00:36:21.440 to raise kids, religion. We have really uncomfortable conversations, but I would 446 00:36:21.480 --> 00:36:24.800 so rather us be uncomfortable for an hour or two hours a couple of days 447 00:36:25.039 --> 00:36:30.800 than live uncomfortable forever. Knowing that there are things that we're thinking but not 448 00:36:30.920 --> 00:36:37.679 saying a really good sign that you're with a partner who can give you loyalty, 449 00:36:37.719 --> 00:36:39.800 because that's another thing. There are some people who are not capable of 450 00:36:39.840 --> 00:36:45.280 giving loyalty. You know my capable cat principle. If I ask my cat 451 00:36:45.360 --> 00:36:49.360 to bark, it would not be able to bark, not because I'm not 452 00:36:49.440 --> 00:36:53.840 worthy, but simply because cats are not capable of barking. There are some 453 00:36:53.920 --> 00:37:02.199 people they're just not capable of loyalty. They're not maybe they're childhood has taught 454 00:37:02.239 --> 00:37:07.880 them that intimacy is something different, or loyalty is not important. There are 455 00:37:07.920 --> 00:37:13.400 some people who don't want to give loyalty either. So also understanding that you're 456 00:37:13.480 --> 00:37:16.920 choosing a partner who also wants what you want. They want a monogamous loyal 457 00:37:17.039 --> 00:37:22.079 relationship, and so to you, that's a good place to start having an 458 00:37:22.119 --> 00:37:27.880 open dialogue telling one another what you're feeling when your boundaries are being crossed, 459 00:37:27.960 --> 00:37:31.639 instead of building up resentment and having that as a contributing factor that you stray 460 00:37:32.119 --> 00:37:36.920 fucking tell them, tell them. And if they don't give you a safe 461 00:37:36.920 --> 00:37:38.239 space, that's another thing. You have to tell them. You're not giving 462 00:37:38.239 --> 00:37:42.239 me a safe space. And I'm pretty sure you would rather me tell you 463 00:37:42.280 --> 00:37:46.320 how I'm feeling than keep it a secret. So open dialogue, a safe 464 00:37:46.320 --> 00:37:51.639 space finding someone who also wants loyalty. But one of the biggest things to 465 00:37:51.800 --> 00:37:57.159 keep that love connection alive is to keep it fun how it was in the 466 00:37:57.199 --> 00:38:00.199 beginning. So I always think about what I mean around in the beginning of 467 00:38:00.199 --> 00:38:06.159 our relationship. That really allowed us to be close and create a lot of 468 00:38:06.199 --> 00:38:10.400 fun. And we still do those things to this day, whether it's hiking 469 00:38:10.800 --> 00:38:15.239 or trying new experiences. We just went kayaking together on Sunday, which was 470 00:38:15.320 --> 00:38:20.599 so nice. We went to an aquarium I don't know, random, but 471 00:38:20.719 --> 00:38:25.519 even going on vacations, driving down to Florida, we do new experiences together. 472 00:38:27.039 --> 00:38:31.320 When we hiked bear something mountain, I don't fucking know, but this 473 00:38:31.400 --> 00:38:36.599 mountain was a ninety degree angle. Okay, I was like, holy shit, 474 00:38:36.719 --> 00:38:38.480 I'm gonna fall and die. He was so patient with me. I 475 00:38:38.480 --> 00:38:44.400 would not have been able to climb that mountain if he wasn't there. I 476 00:38:44.480 --> 00:38:50.159 was so petrified. So doing new things like that, challenging new things is 477 00:38:50.280 --> 00:38:55.079 really helpful to keep that spark alive and create new memories as good as old 478 00:38:55.159 --> 00:39:00.079 memories can be. Nothing is like creating new memories in the present moment together. 479 00:39:00.679 --> 00:39:06.400 So try new, challenging things together. Never stop exploring the world. 480 00:39:06.559 --> 00:39:09.800 This is your partner. See the world together. Try new things together. 481 00:39:10.440 --> 00:39:15.960 We even love watching new shows like that's even a new level of variety, 482 00:39:15.000 --> 00:39:17.920 and talking about the shows like, oh my god, this is so crazy. 483 00:39:19.159 --> 00:39:22.199 Even playing games. It can be lower stake variety like playing games and 484 00:39:22.239 --> 00:39:27.079 watching new shows, or it can be climbing up a ninety degree mountain and 485 00:39:27.119 --> 00:39:32.719 thinking you're absolutely going to die. Another thing is seeing the positives in your 486 00:39:32.800 --> 00:39:37.639 partner. I think we can all get stuck in ruts sometimes when our partner 487 00:39:37.760 --> 00:39:42.880 does something that annoys us, and then we start seeing everything that annoys us, 488 00:39:43.000 --> 00:39:45.679 and we're like, the way they breathe is annoying, how their acting 489 00:39:45.760 --> 00:39:49.639 is annoying, Their life is annoying to me. So when we start picking 490 00:39:49.639 --> 00:39:53.280 out the negatives, that's not only a contributing factor, but it can also 491 00:39:54.199 --> 00:40:00.559 make us feel like we're growing in a different direction and we want love and 492 00:40:00.599 --> 00:40:04.239 connection. It can be so many different things, So make sure you're seeing 493 00:40:04.320 --> 00:40:07.760 the positives in your partner, even if you have to write down a list 494 00:40:07.800 --> 00:40:10.760 of all the positive things that they do for you, that can be super 495 00:40:10.960 --> 00:40:19.400 helpful for maintaining significance for them and significance for you. I love positive reinforcement. 496 00:40:19.480 --> 00:40:22.760 Anytime my partner does something for me, I'm like, thank you so 497 00:40:22.880 --> 00:40:27.599 much, don't hate on their ego. Befriended last night, it was getting 498 00:40:27.639 --> 00:40:30.800 late and I went live for two hours and I was so tired. Afterwards, 499 00:40:30.880 --> 00:40:35.000 I went to go make my camemeal tea, my little nighttime routine, 500 00:40:35.760 --> 00:40:39.760 and when I got back up, Arazmo took out my hula hoop for me 501 00:40:40.199 --> 00:40:45.639 so that it was ready to go, and he put a little place matt 502 00:40:45.719 --> 00:40:52.280 down on my bedside table so I can put my tea down, and little 503 00:40:52.320 --> 00:40:53.880 things like that. I was just like, thank you, thank you, 504 00:40:53.960 --> 00:40:58.000 thank you. It's three three three right now. Our angels are with us. 505 00:40:58.199 --> 00:41:00.599 I don't know whose sign that is, but there you go. So 506 00:41:00.679 --> 00:41:02.679 little things like that. I don't let those things go. I'm not just 507 00:41:02.760 --> 00:41:07.280 like okay, I'm like, thank you so much. You're the best. 508 00:41:07.320 --> 00:41:09.159 It also just means so much to me. I'd love a great act of 509 00:41:09.239 --> 00:41:15.199 service, But make your partner know with your words how thankful you are for 510 00:41:15.239 --> 00:41:20.719 them. And if that's something that's out of your comfort zone, there's some 511 00:41:20.840 --> 00:41:25.400 excitement and variety for you get uncomfortable. There's plenty of times and places to 512 00:41:25.440 --> 00:41:30.199 be comfortable. Also go outside of your comfort zone. Another thing I find 513 00:41:30.239 --> 00:41:37.039 really helpful is having a little monthly meeting. I think a lot of us 514 00:41:37.039 --> 00:41:40.519 are prone to bicker when we're always talking about what our partners is doing wrong, 515 00:41:40.639 --> 00:41:45.320 or what we want more of, or what's just not going right in 516 00:41:45.320 --> 00:41:50.119 our relationship. Instead of doing that, having a monthly or weekly meeting of 517 00:41:50.239 --> 00:41:52.639 how are you feeling, how am I feeling? What do you want more 518 00:41:52.679 --> 00:41:58.960 of? What do you want less of? That depletes any daily bickering and 519 00:41:59.039 --> 00:42:01.960 allows you to get through all the difficult issues you need to get through in 520 00:42:02.079 --> 00:42:08.320 one sitting. So to recap what we talked about today, we talked about 521 00:42:08.599 --> 00:42:13.719 why people cheat. It's not because of how we look, it's not because 522 00:42:13.719 --> 00:42:17.400 of how much money we have, it's not because of our job. People 523 00:42:17.639 --> 00:42:23.840 don't cheat thinking about us. They cheat thinking about themselves I'm gonna say this 524 00:42:23.880 --> 00:42:30.719 again because it bears repeating. People cheat not when they're thinking about you, 525 00:42:30.239 --> 00:42:36.000 but when they're thinking about themselves, when they're thinking about their own holes. 526 00:42:36.559 --> 00:42:39.159 Yes you're getting the brunt of it, but you are not the cause of 527 00:42:39.199 --> 00:42:44.239 it. Yes, you're getting a symptom of the cheating, and you're feeling 528 00:42:44.239 --> 00:42:46.920 that symptom, but you are not the cause. The cause is when one 529 00:42:46.960 --> 00:42:52.159 of their human needs, one of their six needs, are not being met, 530 00:42:52.639 --> 00:42:57.079 when they're not getting their certainty met, their uncertainty, significance, connection, 531 00:42:57.199 --> 00:43:01.199 growth, or maybe there's a contributing factor like alcohol or built up resentment, 532 00:43:01.920 --> 00:43:07.119 when one of those things are feeling on low like a gas tank. 533 00:43:07.639 --> 00:43:12.360 That is when people cheat. It has nothing to do with how you look, 534 00:43:12.800 --> 00:43:15.760 how you talk, how much money you have, what you have in 535 00:43:15.800 --> 00:43:20.360 the bank, or what your job is. It doesn't have to do with 536 00:43:20.400 --> 00:43:25.320 you. Again, they're not thinking of you. They're thinking about themselves. 537 00:43:27.360 --> 00:43:32.679 We have to untangle this very delicately and understand that when someone cheats, their 538 00:43:32.679 --> 00:43:38.320 actions are about them. It does not mean you're unlovable, you're unkissable, 539 00:43:40.320 --> 00:43:45.679 cravable, you're unworthy, you're unvaluable. No, no, no, it 540 00:43:45.760 --> 00:43:52.199 has to do with them and their own holes. When someone doesn't communicate their 541 00:43:52.280 --> 00:43:59.599 needs and instead goes outside of the relationship, that's on them. That's on 542 00:43:59.719 --> 00:44:04.079 them. People need to communicate what it is they want because no one can 543 00:44:04.119 --> 00:44:08.960 read one another's minds unless you're extremely sensitive and tapped in and an endpath like 544 00:44:09.039 --> 00:44:14.519 no other. So you have to speak up for what it is you want. 545 00:44:15.519 --> 00:44:19.800 Now, if you've spoken up for what you want and your partner cannot 546 00:44:19.840 --> 00:44:22.679 give this to you and is incapable of giving this to you, don't stray 547 00:44:22.719 --> 00:44:27.239 outside the relationship. Just break up with them and then go get what it 548 00:44:27.320 --> 00:44:31.400 is that you want. Okay, As always, it's an honor to do 549 00:44:31.440 --> 00:44:36.159 this podcast. I'm sending you all the love in the world. I can't 550 00:44:36.159 --> 00:44:38.199 wait to talk to you next week and I will see you in the next 551 00:44:38.199 --> 00:44:42.519 one. Oh and if you did enjoy this podcast, be sure to leave 552 00:44:42.559 --> 00:44:46.719 a positive review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Wherever you're listening, be sure 553 00:44:46.800 --> 00:44:52.119 to take a snap shots of you listening and tag me on Instagram at vibe 554 00:44:52.199 --> 00:44:57.079 with CC and follow me there and I will see you in the next one. 555 00:44:57.360 --> 00:45:06.159 Mom, I can't see come out. I can't ring into Jess. 556 00:45:07.199 --> 00:45:17.400 You can't such change. I can't, I can't go, you can't be. 557 00:45:24.639 --> 00:45:28.119 Can't susk me, You can't susk me