What's up, positive bitches? How are we doing today? If you're hearing
this episode, you are meant to be here, So keep listening. As
positive bitches, we know sometimes we will laugh, other times we will cry,
but we will always walk away from an episode feeling like an empowered positive
bitch that is babe in total connection with herself. Today we are talking about
Duntumpton cheating. There's no easy way to segue into this subject. It's a
touchy one, it's a triggering one. But know that if you are triggered,
it means you're going deeper into your pain, which means you're going deeper
into your healing. So congratufuculations. You're moving forward and that's a beautiful direction
to move in. Today we're going to discuss why people cheat. We're not
going to talk about the mumbo jumbo trash I hear in the media. There's
so much bullshit out there. We're gonna cut, cut, cut, cut,
cut, right through so we can get to the meat of the truth
of why people stray. What are we doing? Maybe you're the one stray
you've experienced it. I'm going to use my personal experience because I've been on
kind of both ends of the stick, and we're going to talk about what
we can learn and how we can put the best energy forward so we can
manifest a healthy, loyal, loving relationship before we get into it. If
you're not yet following me on Instagram, be sure to follow me at a
vibe with CC. If you've not yet joined the twenty one Day break Up
Globe Challenge, this what are you doing? It's not about how much time
goes by, It's about what you do with the time. In the twenty
one Day break Up Globe Challenge, you can get twenty one days of audio
and video lessons, downloadable worksheets, a private Facebook group chat, and meditations.
This will help you level up to be your most magnetic self, teach
you how to date yourself, how to move on, how to release soul
ties, how to balance that sacred chakra, and of course so much more.
If you're dating and you want to understand the subtle energies that are at
play that will affect your dating life, you have to download the Calling Your
Power Back Workbook. Both of these links are in my bio on Instagram and
I will also put them in the show notes that you can find attached to
this episode. If you're looking for more intimate guidance, you can of course
dm me on Instagram to find out how I can help you one on one.
Now whatever. Further, Ado, let's get into today's subject of cheating
infidelity. We are talking about infidelity, so we can go in word instead
of insane. The first thing I want to say is cheating is a symptom,
it's not a root. If you're in a healthy, loving relationship where
both partners are getting their needs met, you do not have to worry.
Okay, you really don't. In fact, you should never be worried because
worrying is like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but
honey, it gets you know where. It is a waste of time.
Cheating happens when one or both partners are individually unhappy. They're either not getting
their needs met, or something internally is going on that the other partner might
not be cognisant of. Cheating, however, is not random. You don't
randomly get hit with the cheating stick and everything falls part. There are things
to look for, there are things we can do. I just want to
start with that. Next. I want us to understand what cheating is not
so Number one, It's not random, okay. It is a symptom of
a root that is unhealthy. If I, for example, had a bunch
of bananas that grew and they were all fucked up and rotting, it's not
the banana's fault. It would be something wrong with the seeds. Something happened
while I was taking care of the bananas that caused the bananas to go south.
If a plant was not flourishing, we wouldn't blame the plant. We
would blame the amount of sunlight it's getting, the amount of water it's getting.
It's the environment. It's something going on. It's not the plant.
So the symptom is what we're looking at here, which is cheating. An
unhealthy plant, a dying plant, a rotting plant is a symptom of it
either not growing correctly or it being too old. So we're looking for non
symptoms, but causes for roots roots. I want us to just take a
second because so many of us think, oh, I have to look perfect,
I have to be perfect. I need my job to be in line.
I need my life to be everything I've ever imagined. Before I get
into a relationship, I have to be enough so I don't get cheated on.
That's fucking false. Okay, the Kardashians, Chloe Kardashians, I'm sorry,
girl, but look has had every surgery. Whether or not she wants
to say that, that's her right, but she's had every surgery in the
book, every surgery. She's gotten cheated on multiple times, multiple times.
Beyonce beautiful, amazing, talented, cheated on, should we go on?
J Lo beautiful, amazing, talented, cheated on when Stefani beautiful, amazing,
talented, cheated on, Fergie beautiful, beautiful, amazing, talented,
cheated on, Jennifer Garner beautiful, amazing, talented, cheated on, Shania
Twain, beautiful, amazing, talented, cheated on, Sandra Bullock, Gabrielle
Union, Eva Longoria, Holly Berry, all of these women. It's not
about what you look like. I also, I know they don't like publicly
say, but if you think Kylie Jenner's not getting cheated on, I don't
know what world you're living in. Kylie Jenner, beautiful, smart, businesswoman,
billionaire, cheated on, cheated on. It's nothing to do with how
you look and what you have. I just want us to hit that on
the head right front and center. There are so many beautiful women that you
know, your mother, your aunts, your sisters, your cousins, your
friends, that get cheated on. Cheating is not random, but it also
has nothing to do with you. When you're the one getting cheated on,
It's none of your fucking business. Do you get the brunt of it?
App so fucking lootlely, but it's none of your business. When I initiated
a break with my partner a couple of years ago, and it ended up
not happening because we still kept seeing each other, we still kept hanging out.
We were pretty much still dating and being intimate. I remember when I
found out that he slept with someone else. I was like, what the
fuck? What's wrong with me? What's wrong with you? I was like,
I've given you everything, I've taken you to beautiful places? How could
you do this to me? And we always want to ask ourselves, just
because we're human, what's wrong with me? Why wasn't an eye enough to
stop that from happening? I felt like such a failure. Even though an
ended relationship isn't a failure, it's an open door to the next season.
I felt like such a loser, a failure. I felt like I wasn't
pretty enough, I wasn't hot enough. I wasn't enough period, I wasn't
happy enough. I just felt like this somehow was completely my fault and there
was something wrong with me. I wasn't adventurous enough. I just felt like
it was me. I just I wasn't enough. And I talked to so
many women all around the world, and we all think the same thing.
We're all thinking, oh my god, I'm the one who got cheated on,
so obviously I'm not enough. But the data shows that that is fucking
false, because it can't be possible that all these women who are beautiful,
talented billionaires have everything they could ever want, have options galore. They're not
enough too. No, No, even though we are getting the brunt,
it has so much more to do with them and so little to do with
us. Sometimes it's just divine timing, and the only way we can get
out and onto the next relationship is if we get really hurt. I remember
that when I was in that relationship and I was trying to go through a
break, I was trying to get away from the relationship, but because of
my codependency, I wasn't able to unattach from him. I remember saying to
God, you know, the only way I'll be able to break up with
him is if he does something to me or like he leaves me. He
breaks up with me and lo and behold. That's what ended up happening,
and that was perfect divine timing for me to keep moving on. But at
the same time, I was trying to wrap my head around why would this
happen to me? There's something wrong with me? Why we think it's us?
Thinking is not fact, it's an energy. Thinking is not fact.
Why do people actually cheat? People cheat when they feel like they're missing something
internally, it's about them. When we feel like we're missing commitment or connection,
or stability or even excitement, some of us will try to fill this
hole with oreos, and some of us will try to fill this hole with
a penis or a yoni, depending on what we're going for. We're trying
to stuff ourselves up because we don't want to look at the current circumstance because
it's simply too painful. Whether you're feeling a whole because you're lacking connection or
excitement, the reason we're even feeling a hole is because we're not getting one
of our needs met. And as humans, when we feel like one of
our needs aren't being met, we will go to the ends of the earth
in order to fulfill that need. I think a lot of us get confused
that sex is intimacy and connection, but please understand, it's not sex to
sex, and all sex is not intimacy. Sometimes it can be, but
it's not all the time. Other times it's just skin pushing and rubbing and
grubbing. Okay, But the point I'm trying to make here is that when
someone strays or when someone cheats, it's not about you and not being enough.
It's that they feel like they're not having enough of one of their needs
met. It's not about you, it's about them feeling unfulfilled, and so
they're trying to fill their holes with maybe a yoni, maybe a penis.
We wish they would just take the oreos in this case, but they don't.
There are six human needs that I've learned about when I was becoming a
certified life coach, and these six human needs are something that all humans,
regardless of age or gender, or race or country that you live in,
we all fulfill these six human needs in our life, and when we don't,
we can start to feel anxious or angry, or upset or depressed.
I have found through life experience with cheating and intimacy that these six human needs
don't just apply to ourselves, but they apply when someone strays too. Now,
this might seem a little confusing now, but don't worry, because we're
going to break it all down. The six human needs are certainty, uncertainty,
significance, connection, slash, love, growth, and contribution. However,
these six human needs, when they're not being fulfilled in our relationship,
can cause us to stray. So, yes, we all need certainty,
we all need variety or uncertainty, we all need significance, connection, growth,
and contribution as an individual, but we also need these six human needs
in our relationship. And I'm going to explain to you that when we don't
get these six human needs filled in our relationship, it can start to wither,
and it can cause one or both partners to begin to stray, because,
like I said before, we will go to the ends of the earth
to get our needs met. It might not be healthy for us, it
might not be good for us, It might actually be terrible for us.
But we will do whatever we have to do in order to get these six
human needs met. The first human need is certainty. This is assurance that
you can avoid pain and gain pleasure. This is an assurance you know where
your next meal is coming, you know there's going to be a roof over
your head. That's when it's at an individual level. However, we also
need certainty in a relationship. Certainty that I can count on you, Certainty
that you're going to be there when I need you, Certainty that that person
is going to call you or text you, that you and this other person
are an item. When we do not have certainty coming from our relationship,
we will look for certainty outside of our relationship. Certainty that we can have
an emotional or physical affair with someone else. Certainty that we know how to
ruin the relationship. Certainty that there will be someone else there for us all
of the time, which may cause us to stray. So see how this
is affecting us. Yeah, we all have certainty in our life, certainty
of a roof over our head and a meal on the table. But we
also need this certainty when it comes to our relationship and when we don't really
know if this person's there for us are hot and then cold, hot and
then cold. It causes us to get so clouded in our head that we
get so emotional, so uptight, start energetically chasing, and then we freak
out and we become certain that we will connect with someone else, We will
find stability somewhere else, and it can cause us to cheat if we don't
know if that person is going to be there for us. We will figure
out how to know someone else will be there for us. We will figure
out how to know how to ruin the relationship. We will find certainty.
Will it be positive certainty or will it be negative certainty? We don't care.
That's a thing. That's why so many of us have maladaptive coping mechanisms,
because we don't care how we fulfill these needs. If it's good for
us, if it's bad for us, don't fucking care. You can just
bet your ass that I will have certainty met. It might be certainty that
you're going to text me every day, or I'm going to text you every
day, or I'm going to find certainty that I will get that security from
someone else next. As much as we need certainty, if we have too
much certainty, we get bored. I was actually talking to one of my
clients today about this, how sometimes we can fear a really healthy relationship because
it sounds kind of boring, and then we try to look to create arguments
or drama because we're used to the drama and we like what we're used to.
Instead of referring to your relationships and wanting drama out of them because you're
afraid they're going to be boring, switch out the word draw mama for uncertainty,
because that's what you actually are looking for. We want uncertainty, or
another way to say this is variety, and this is the need for unknown
change or new stimuli. We all need variety during our days, but we
also need it in our relationship. When we feel like our partner has just
become our roommate or this spark is kind of withering out, we will look
for excitement in other places. A lot of people stray outside of the relationship
because they're looking for a thrill. They're looking for excitement, they're looking to
feel like another part of their selves is activated and is able to be explored.
So as much as we may stray to get certainty from someone else.
We also will strike for the exact opposite reason to get variety, to get
excitement. Ooh, my partner never allows me to feel like this. Ooh,
I never get to do this. Ooh, someone new is giving me
attention. We're looking for that excitement. So not only again are we straying
maybe because we're not getting certainty from our partner, but it can be the
exact opposite that we're looking for that excitement, something new, a new flavor,
because honestly, I think about it, if you ate the same exact
thing every single day, and you wore the same thing every single day,
and you did the exact same thing every single day, you would get bored
of it. But when you're in a monogamous relationship, you're kissing the same
person every day, you're holding that same person's hand, you're spending your whole
life with them. There are times where that can feel a little bit bland.
But there are ways to recreate I should say, sparks in your relationships
and keep it exciting without having to go outside of the relationship. We've only
talked about two of the six, but so far, both of these things
have to do with the person's internal needs. Not being met. They have
nothing to do with how skinny you are, how curvy you are, what
your hair looks like, what your skin looks like, how wealthy you are,
and what your life is. That's it. That's it. Are we
understanding this now? It's about how the person is feeling internally. When they
start to feel hold, they're going to try to get that whole filled in
any possible way they can. Whether it's negative or positive, nobody cares.
They're just trying to get it filled. The next human need is significance.
So we all want to feel unique and important and special, and we also
want to feel this in our relationships. So when we are looking for a
boost of self esteem, oh someone's checking us out. Oh my god,
my partner never gives me the sort of attention that can lead us to stray.
There is actually so many studies that men tend to cheat. I'm sorry
this is going to unlock a new fear for you, but i'd rather you
know so you can take preventive measures to make sure this doesn't happen to you.
But they found that ten percent of fathers to be cheat on their partners
during pregnancy. Why would this be if you think about it. When the
woman is pregnant, she's getting all the attention, she's getting her feet rob,
she's getting the baby shower, she's the one holding the baby. This
can lead a lot of men to feel insignificant and therefore want an ego boost
from outside sources. That's just one specific study that I just found really interesting
because you hear a lot oh my god, how could you cheat on her?
Your wife was pregnant. But this is one of the reasons why people
cheat. So we're going to talk about it. But it doesn't have to
just be men. If we're feeling like we aren't getting the attention of our
partner, if we feel like we need an ego boost, we will do
this too. Now, this is something I've never talked about on That bitch
is positive, so get ready. When I was first dating my current partner,
I was eighteen. Oh that was so long ago, and we met
on Tinder and I can't remember if we actually met in person yet, but
we started talking and we were definitely face timing, and we might have met
maybe once or not at all, I'm not really sure, but it was
very very early on. We did not have any sort of title yet we
were barely dating, and I remember I kept asking him like, oh,
come out to Foredom because that's where I went to college, and she would
never come. And so I remember it was one of the first beginning weeks
that I was at college and this guy I was kind of dancing with him
and he kissed me, and he kissed me. I just want to make
that really he did kiss me, okay, And I remember feeling like,
oh my god, did I just cheat? I was eighteen years old.
I didn't know, and I was like, oh my god. I was
to my roommate. I was like, what do I do. I don't
know. We just kiss, Like do I tell Arasmo or do I not?
Like we're kind of dating. I was like, I don't know how
the fuck this works, and she was she was like, don't say anything.
And there's this kid that we all called him Guido because he literally was
out of Jersey Shore. Like I'm telling you, he looked like Guido.
He talked like a Guido, he acted like a Guido, and he was
like Cecy. His hands were like on his head. He was like,
do not say anything. You guys aren't even serious. He does not need
to know, like do not say anything, and so I was like okay,
fine, I like, I won't and I was like I can't.
I have to. So literally I walk out of the bar and I called
FaceTime and recall him. I'm like him, I don't know if this is
like allowed or not, Like I don't really know. For dating, I
just I don't know we're talking, I guess, but I did just kiss
someone, and I just want you to know. Yeah, just putting that
out there. So really what that was all about was I felt like I
kept asking him to come out to ford them, and I kept wanting to
feel that connection but also like boost of like yeah, this is my person
that I'm with, and when he wasn't giving me that significance, I found
it in someone else. And yes, that person kissed me, but realistically
I could have like punched his face and I could have gotten a way.
I didn't. I let it happen. So it was just really something interesting
and yeah, I called him and everything was fine. He was like,
Okay, you can relax, like we're not, you know, in a
committed relationship. It's okay, but thank you so much for telling me.
And I was like okay, okay, and so that was that. But
the reason I did that was because I was wanting to feel that significance of
being someone's girlfriend or girl, and he wasn't giving me that, but the
guy at the bar was, and that is what really psychologically seduced me and
caused that to unfold. So sometimes it can be we're feeling neglected in our
relationship, or we're looking for a boost of self esteem, or we're feeling
lonely and we're looking for someone else to give us that validation or that significance.
And I feel like if I had to say that there was a number
one reason why people cheat, I would really say it's because we don't feel
significant and connected, and so we will try to find that because it's one
of our higher needs. The next one that's really closely tied also to significance
is connection and love. We all need a feeling of closeness or union with
other people or some sort of organization, So we also need this in our
relationship. When we start feeling dissatisfied with our partner, it becomes really easy
to then see all the things that they're doing wrong. What you look for,
you will find, and the more you find what they're not doing right,
the more you're gonna want to get the fuck away from them. The
more you find what they're not doing right, the more you're gonna want to
stray, and vice versa. The more they see that is wrong with you,
the more they're basically convincing themselves to just get with someone else. I
remember when my boyfriend went on a business trip and my mom was also away,
so I was all alone. And this was when my codependency was getting
really badly triggered. And I was working with a therapist and Shaman's and all
of that. But even when he was on a business trip, I felt
that pull of, oh my god, I wish anyone was here to give
me connection and love. And I was in a committed relationship. But when
you're dealing with codependency, anxious attachment, and you're feeling all of these holes,
you will say to yourself, oh my god, I wish literally anyone
was here. I just feel so lonely. Do you really mean it?
Not really, but do you think it? Yeah? And that's what gets
people into trouble. Thank god I was working with a therapist and shamans and
doing my work, or else something bad could have happened. If I wasn't
mega aware of my codependency and my tendencies, then something could have happened.
But because I am, I know when to stop myself, and I know
what boundaries I need to have with myself, and I have a greater understanding.
But most of us, I would say, I mean, if you're
a positive bit, you're much more like me. But most of the world
is not thinking to themselves, Oh, I'm feeling my codependency spike up right
now, and that's why I'm wanting connection from literally fucking anyone could be a
wall. So we want to keep this in mind. Sometimes our stuff from
childhood that oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, I
need connection right now, I need love right now. We think we have
to rely on someone outside of us because that's a dynamic we learned with our
caregiver. But really we can learn to give ourselves this love. We can
learn to date our self, and we can learn to create safe spaces for
ourselves, so we don't need to rely even on a partner or a random
stranger to fulfill that connection and love whole within us. So so far,
we talked about some people will cheat because they're looking for certainty, certainty they
know how to ruin a relationship, or a certainty they know how to cheat,
or a certainty from someone else because their current partner is up in the
air, not giving them any answers and being hot and cold. Sometimes people
cheap because they're looking for the exact opposite. They're looking for excitement, they're
looking for variety. Sometimes people cheat because they want that ego boosts, that
self esteem boosts. They want to feel significant. And sometimes they cheat because
they're looking for love and connection that they're not able to get from their relationship.
Two more here. The fifth one is growth, and we all want
growth on an individual level. We all want to feel like we can expand
we have the capacity and capability to understand and to grow. If we are
not growing, we are dying. And it's the same thing with relationships.
If you're not growing this relationship, if you're not watering this relationship, it
will die. It will die. I have seen with my friends that one
let's just name these people, Barbara and Brad. I've seen where Brad starts
calling less and then Barbara gets disenchanted with the whole fucking relationship and they just
start naturally straying away from one another, and neither of them are trying to
make it better, neither of them are saying anything, and so it leads
to such a low level connection that one of them ends up straying. I
think that when you're not growing together, like I said, the relationship is
dying. Now. There are certain seasons where someone is really busy, or
someone is just really tired, or someone is doing whatever. I'm talking multiple
seasons, multiple seasons across a year. You're either growing together or you're dying
together, and you're dying separately. By the way, there is a quote
that says true love is not two people looking at one another, it's two
people looking in the same direction. And I couldn't agree more. I think
more so than cheat on, a lot of people break up when they feel
like the other person isn't growing with them. When you feel like you're soaring
high, wanting huge things for your life and this other person is fine doing
not much. I think most people break up over this, but it can
be a possible reason that someone cheats too, when they're seeing someone with all
the things that they want and they're like, oh my god, I want
that me being with that person is going to allow me to be closer to
that feeling. Again, it's all about how they're feeling, and then they
cheat. It's just something to keep in mind. And the last thing is
contribution. We all need to feel a sense of service and focus on helping
other people. Now, the way I apply this to relationships is a little
bit different. So yeah, Tony Robbins talks about how all the things we
talked about we all need on an individual level. What I'm doing is taking
these needs and then applying it to why people actually when they don't get these
met cheat Because I swear to God, this is the truth. Now,
when they talk about contribution, that's a sense of doing charity work. But
when we're talking about contribution in the way I'm framing it for why people cheat,
I'm talking about what contributing factors are there. Sometimes what happens is there's
alcohol involved, and alcohol isn't an excuse, And this is what I'm what
I'm going to tell you. People say, oh my god, I was
so drunk and I was so fucked up, and so I cheated in a
bait. But alcohol is a disinhibitor. So usually maybe we have these fantasies
of cheating or whatever, and we would never actually act on them. We're
like, yeah, like it would be really cool to be with that person,
but I would never actually do it. It's just a fantasy. What
alcohol does is it disinhibit to you, so your inhibitors of I think about
it, but I would never do it is basically cut up and thrown away.
And alcohol makes you a little bit looser, a little bit more open
to what you previously have said you would never do. So contributing factor why
someone might cheats. It's not charity work, because remember, contribution is a
sense of service and focus on helping others. That's when it applies to the
individual. When it applies to the relationship, we're talking about contributing factors.
Here, a contributing factor is alcohol. It can also be anger when someone
wants to get back at their partner, something they do sometimes which is so
fucked up. It's cheat on them, which is something you should never ever
do. So altogether, these six reasons people cheat, And this is the
way I'm framing it. This is how I see the world, this is
my perspective, this is my truth. I also want to say that I
want to go back to number three significance because when I initiated a break with
my partner and I kept saying, you know, I'm not really sure if
I want to be in a relationship. But then I couldn't unplug from him
when he ended up sleeping with someone else, and I asked him, like,
why did you do that? He said two things. One was an
ego boost and the other thing was feeling that connection to someone else. So
I want to bring up that sometimes it can also be a mixture of these
answers. I was kind of shutting him out and he was still wanting to
connect to me, and I wasn't connecting to him. So what did he
do? He wanted to feel that ego boost from someone else and wanted to
connect to someone else, and so he did. I just want to say,
if you have cheated or someone has cheated on you, cheating doesn't make
someone evil. It makes someone who doesn't know how to communicate and someone who
doesn't know how to healthily get their needs met. There's no villains here.
Of course, there's certain stories where people sound like a fucking villain. Okay,
I'm just going to say that, but there's really no villain. People
do bad things when they're trying to fulfill their needs. It's just a fucking
fact, Like that's just true. People will do whatever they have to do
in order to fulfill their needs because they're not thinking about us at all.
Actually, they're thinking about I'm feeling so low, I'm feeling so lonely,
I'm feeling so insignificant. What can I do. What's the fastest, most
easy way for me to get my need met? And let me go do
that. Now, if you're listening to this and you're like CC, I
have so many new fears unlocked, do not worry. I would never just
drop these on you and then not give you advice on how to pretty much
prevent I would say, prevent these cheating things from happening. The number one
thing you need is open dialogue with your partner, because I would so much
rather my partners say, look, i'm having these feelings, I'm having these
thoughts, than them acting on them and thinking they have to keep it from
me. When I was initiating a break with my partner years ago, I
was telling him, look, I'm having really weird feelings and thoughts about other
people, and I'm feeling like, really disconnected from this relationship. I didn't
have the six human needs and now the six relationship needs as I'm calling them.
I didn't have these words to communicate to my partner, but I wish
I could have said, I'm feeling not significant, I'm not feeling connected,
and I feel no variety. I didn't have those words to express to him,
so instead I was like, I'm having weird thoughts about other people and
I'm having weird feelings. And he didn't know what the fuck to do with
that, and he's like, what the fuck does that even mean? Having
an open dialogue and also having the words to describe your experience is super important.
So listening to podcast episodes like this one and other creators is really important.
AKA. Understanding yourself and what you need is really important. Having a
safe space with your partner is again of utmost importance. I feel so safe
to my partner anything, and I pray to God that he feels the same
way about telling me. And sometimes we have really difficult conversations about money,
about future, about buying a home, about kids, even how we're going
to raise kids, religion. We have really uncomfortable conversations, but I would
so rather us be uncomfortable for an hour or two hours a couple of days
than live uncomfortable forever. Knowing that there are things that we're thinking but not
saying a really good sign that you're with a partner who can give you loyalty,
because that's another thing. There are some people who are not capable of
giving loyalty. You know my capable cat principle. If I ask my cat
to bark, it would not be able to bark, not because I'm not
worthy, but simply because cats are not capable of barking. There are some
people they're just not capable of loyalty. They're not maybe they're childhood has taught
them that intimacy is something different, or loyalty is not important. There are
some people who don't want to give loyalty either. So also understanding that you're
choosing a partner who also wants what you want. They want a monogamous loyal
relationship, and so to you, that's a good place to start having an
open dialogue telling one another what you're feeling when your boundaries are being crossed,
instead of building up resentment and having that as a contributing factor that you stray
fucking tell them, tell them. And if they don't give you a safe
space, that's another thing. You have to tell them. You're not giving
me a safe space. And I'm pretty sure you would rather me tell you
how I'm feeling than keep it a secret. So open dialogue, a safe
space finding someone who also wants loyalty. But one of the biggest things to
keep that love connection alive is to keep it fun how it was in the
beginning. So I always think about what I mean around in the beginning of
our relationship. That really allowed us to be close and create a lot of
fun. And we still do those things to this day, whether it's hiking
or trying new experiences. We just went kayaking together on Sunday, which was
so nice. We went to an aquarium I don't know, random, but
even going on vacations, driving down to Florida, we do new experiences together.
When we hiked bear something mountain, I don't fucking know, but this
mountain was a ninety degree angle. Okay, I was like, holy shit,
I'm gonna fall and die. He was so patient with me. I
would not have been able to climb that mountain if he wasn't there. I
was so petrified. So doing new things like that, challenging new things is
really helpful to keep that spark alive and create new memories as good as old
memories can be. Nothing is like creating new memories in the present moment together.
So try new, challenging things together. Never stop exploring the world.
This is your partner. See the world together. Try new things together.
We even love watching new shows like that's even a new level of variety,
and talking about the shows like, oh my god, this is so crazy.
Even playing games. It can be lower stake variety like playing games and
watching new shows, or it can be climbing up a ninety degree mountain and
thinking you're absolutely going to die. Another thing is seeing the positives in your
partner. I think we can all get stuck in ruts sometimes when our partner
does something that annoys us, and then we start seeing everything that annoys us,
and we're like, the way they breathe is annoying, how their acting
is annoying, Their life is annoying to me. So when we start picking
out the negatives, that's not only a contributing factor, but it can also
make us feel like we're growing in a different direction and we want love and
connection. It can be so many different things, So make sure you're seeing
the positives in your partner, even if you have to write down a list
of all the positive things that they do for you, that can be super
helpful for maintaining significance for them and significance for you. I love positive reinforcement.
Anytime my partner does something for me, I'm like, thank you so
much, don't hate on their ego. Befriended last night, it was getting
late and I went live for two hours and I was so tired. Afterwards,
I went to go make my camemeal tea, my little nighttime routine,
and when I got back up, Arazmo took out my hula hoop for me
so that it was ready to go, and he put a little place matt
down on my bedside table so I can put my tea down, and little
things like that. I was just like, thank you, thank you,
thank you. It's three three three right now. Our angels are with us.
I don't know whose sign that is, but there you go. So
little things like that. I don't let those things go. I'm not just
like okay, I'm like, thank you so much. You're the best.
It also just means so much to me. I'd love a great act of
service, But make your partner know with your words how thankful you are for
them. And if that's something that's out of your comfort zone, there's some
excitement and variety for you get uncomfortable. There's plenty of times and places to
be comfortable. Also go outside of your comfort zone. Another thing I find
really helpful is having a little monthly meeting. I think a lot of us
are prone to bicker when we're always talking about what our partners is doing wrong,
or what we want more of, or what's just not going right in
our relationship. Instead of doing that, having a monthly or weekly meeting of
how are you feeling, how am I feeling? What do you want more
of? What do you want less of? That depletes any daily bickering and
allows you to get through all the difficult issues you need to get through in
one sitting. So to recap what we talked about today, we talked about
why people cheat. It's not because of how we look, it's not because
of how much money we have, it's not because of our job. People
don't cheat thinking about us. They cheat thinking about themselves I'm gonna say this
again because it bears repeating. People cheat not when they're thinking about you,
but when they're thinking about themselves, when they're thinking about their own holes.
Yes you're getting the brunt of it, but you are not the cause of
it. Yes, you're getting a symptom of the cheating, and you're feeling
that symptom, but you are not the cause. The cause is when one
of their human needs, one of their six needs, are not being met,
when they're not getting their certainty met, their uncertainty, significance, connection,
growth, or maybe there's a contributing factor like alcohol or built up resentment,
when one of those things are feeling on low like a gas tank.
That is when people cheat. It has nothing to do with how you look,
how you talk, how much money you have, what you have in
the bank, or what your job is. It doesn't have to do with
you. Again, they're not thinking of you. They're thinking about themselves.
We have to untangle this very delicately and understand that when someone cheats, their
actions are about them. It does not mean you're unlovable, you're unkissable,
cravable, you're unworthy, you're unvaluable. No, no, no, it
has to do with them and their own holes. When someone doesn't communicate their
needs and instead goes outside of the relationship, that's on them. That's on
them. People need to communicate what it is they want because no one can
read one another's minds unless you're extremely sensitive and tapped in and an endpath like
no other. So you have to speak up for what it is you want.
Now, if you've spoken up for what you want and your partner cannot
give this to you and is incapable of giving this to you, don't stray
outside the relationship. Just break up with them and then go get what it
is that you want. Okay, As always, it's an honor to do
this podcast. I'm sending you all the love in the world. I can't
wait to talk to you next week and I will see you in the next
one. Oh and if you did enjoy this podcast, be sure to leave
a positive review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. Wherever you're listening, be sure
to take a snap shots of you listening and tag me on Instagram at vibe
with CC and follow me there and I will see you in the next one.
Mom, I can't see come out. I can't ring into Jess.
You can't such change. I can't, I can't go, you can't be.
Can't susk me, You can't susk me