Welcome to soft core History. Welcome back to softcore History. I'm your host
for the week, Damn Rochester, and I'm joined as always by Jay Goldman
in my jacket. Yeah, wearing daddy's clothes today. Hell yeah, bro,
Hell yeah, dude, sharing clothes. I gotta get to the exact
same size as you so you can just share a closet. I'm impressed you're
going you were going gray on gray me. Yeah, no, I'm just
wearing black flannel, but it's mostly gray. It's it's black and gray.
It's black and gray, and the pants are also black. I feeling festive,
right. I used to rock. I used to rock that under like
a sweater or sweatshirt to like missoo that similar flannel to Maszoo games. We're
all black. The other voice you here, of course, is Rob Fox,
the Papa color in your life. Yeah, Dan's only only clothes wise,
the exact opposite in terms of race. Not a Papa color at all.
There's not much. There's nothing. Yeah, transparency if anything. Yeah,
I am a translucent being from some weird like planet or swamp, whichever
you prefer. It's a glow swamp. Yeah. Yeah, we're all coming
back from the holidays. You guys enjoy it. I know you left.
I had a good time. I was in Saint Louis. You know,
I actually spent most of Thanksgiving on the toilet, which wasn't ideal. Yeah.
I actually didn't talk this much this weekend. This is the most you've
talked in days. I haven't talked on all today. So this is a
great way to start a podcasts. You're like a monk that you dressed up
like in a couple episodes ago. It's weird when you go for a long
period of time without talking and then you talk. I have people over,
oh, Thursday, Friday, and then I just haven't talked Saturday, Sunday.
Whoa, Really, you haven't talked about tays. I guess I'd take
that for granted because I like live with someone, you know, right,
like you're talking constantly. Yeah, I'm always talking. It is funny though,
It's like if you spend a couple days and not talking or someone.
It's like if you practice like on the range, or if I'm practicing like
you know, if I'm like hitting balls against the wall in tennis, and
then I get into and actually playing some and I'm like dude, I was
fucking smoking, smoking the ball. I'm good to go, I'm fucking fresh,
I'm in rhythm. Whenever you're great on the ranch and golf, you
suck, yeah exactly, but rusty. And so when I'm alone, but
I'm still having conversations in my head constantly, right, I'm like, you
know, going through like hypothetical conversations, talking to myself whatever. I'm like
yeah, yeah, and then I like meet someone and I'm like, oh,
the chicken, I'll have the good chicken flake at a restaurant. Yeah,
like, what's yeah, that's fine. I know we started this podcast.
I'm like, my name is fuck damn. Yeah, no, man,
I had a good one too about a tree. It's like a I
think it's like eight or nine feet tall, so it's tall as shit.
You have tall ceilings, I know, yeah, you have high ceilings.
I'm jealous. This's the one thing. I'm like, you know, we
have these ceilings, Let's fill it with a tree. There was a tree
that was one thousand dollars at the place I went. It was probably about
fifteen feet. You really don't realize how much your parents spent on Christmas trees
until you have your own place. Yeah, they ticked up a couple of
years ago, did they? There was a shortage inflation, there was was
it? Bird flew like it was during COVID and trees were just covered in
birds. They're like, we can charge whatever we want. People need this,
they need Christmas tree. They're gonna walk outsides and hang themselves. This
is like the closest thing we're doing to selling drugs right now. This year,
guys just fucking pump it, pump those numbers. Yeah. So I
had to buy an entirely new base for the tree because my current one does
not hold it up right. So I probably fucking not. Yeah, it's
like an industry. I'm pretty pumped about this tree, honestly. And we
got a We got Laura catered for Thanksgiving for ourselves. Look at you.
I spent the majority of the weekend alone and I still feel like you live
a sadder life than me. Why are you kidding me? He made Thanksgiving
dinner for my dogs. Yeah, an actual feast of things. My wife.
My wife did that. Yeah, she didn't actually do anything. Yeah.
It was like a sad millennial version of a Norman Rockwell painting. There's
no children it's just two people with the three dogs, just like, Oh
yeah, I had a blast. I did, Like, I didn't do
a whole lot. I didn't want to. It's Thanksgiving, man, Thanksgiving
is the holiday of sloth I've had with my time when I have nothing to
do. How It's like I could work on the projects and things I want
to work on, but if I'm not forced to do it, it won't
get done. Pressure. Pressure makes you makes diamonds. Baby. Yeah.
I think Robert Griffin the third said that he says a lot. I think
he trademarked that no, everyone knows he was better after his knee exploded.
The pressure of having no knee. Yeah, just look at his stats before
and after. Really good. What I should have done this weekend, though,
is perhaps where a diary. Yeah, yeah, your diary. I
sneak into your room and read your diary when you were gone. Just start
journaling, like I just am trying to imagine what the like tone is all
first, after man it up by calling it a journal. As a diary,
they're all diaries, which is fine, going with the trend. A
lot of people you know in the health and fitness industry, they like to
mention journaling. Journaling is honestly good exercise. It's one you journal after you
cold plunge. Got a cold plunge, gotta hit the sauna. The best,
the best, The most useful thing that I've ever that I've ever considered
about considering journaling is just so I could command f on the last time I
had a thought I'm pretty sure I had before that was insane. Yeah,
I'm like that just your iPhone notes app. Yeah, I could just do
it on my notes that be like, had a hypochondriac thought today or well,
you know whatever. I'd be like, just had this thought today,
and yeah, that's where jokes come from. Got angry about this today.
People don't know that, but that's where jokes come from. The notes app.
Just like if you your last crazy thought, Yeah, that's where jokes
come from. Jokes come from drugs, jake. Drugs can lead you into
telling great stories. Then also, slothness come from drugs, mostly marijuana.
Sloths can be achieved without It's always like a catch twenty two. I can't
do it on a week, I can't do anything, but I'm my most
creative on weed. Oh man, Like, like that's a good idea,
I'll forget it just living in a dream you'll never remember. Yeah. No,
Weed's like uh oh man, that's so funny. I should write that
down. But I'm not gonna put this across the room. I'm not gonna
put down the sticks. You can, like you fucking joke, Dan.
I gotta kill this dragon in Harry Potter World. And I also refer to
myself in the third person when I take drugs. Okay, yeah, it's
part of god complex thing. Yeah yeah, uh but no, today we're
actually going to talk about the second most famous diary to maybe grace the planet.
Is it Zlata's diary? No, because I read that in grade school.
I mean we we know what number one is, right, yeah,
yeah, always, But no, We're going with the diary of Franz Schmidt.
Okay, Now, fran Schmidt was an executioner in Hafram from fifteen seventy
three to April fifteen seventy eight, and from the first of May fifteen seventy
eight until the end of sixteen seventeen as the executioner of Normberg. So real
quick, did you hear what just happened? I hate to totally infuse a
current event reference because we try to be evergreen, but do you hear what
just happened? I think in like Oklahoma, the guy was executed on death
row and he spent his last word accusing the literal executioner of spousal abuse.
That's pretty sick. Yeah, I think they might have been like grounded in
fact too, Like he was like, which the beat women, he's just
catching strays on the way out. Well, I'm saying the executioner's catching strays
while the dudes on his way out. I think the exeit Kushner is just
like, well, this is the first one I've never felt bad about.
I'm sure it never feels bad about any of them, but it's a rough
job. Then he actually got the guy had a death penalty for like we
used to give, you know, everyone who is executed now like today,
that death penalties from like twenty years ago, right thirty years ago. This
dude got the death penalty in ninety three for killing one guy in a home
invasion. Good that feel like death penalty worthy of you? I feel like
you want to waste millions and millions of dollars on that guy's fucking appeals and
appeals. No, I mean I don't believe in the death penalty just because
of that. The money is the gunk work that you have to deal with
in the legal system. But at the same time, like people say that,
and then I hear these stories of like, oh, this guy just
broke into a house and killed everyone's children, and like the way to do
that. I wouldn't care if he did that. I'd be like, yeah,
it's worth the money, but like check it out, though, we
need to just run it back and just make these events sell tickets, baby,
sell merch dude, I mean for like, monetize this. Come on,
this is the country built on capitalism. How are we not cashing in
on people dying and honestly horse thieves? Bring it back. That's a that's
a rough one. I mean, god, I feel like we used to
do I don't think we ever did death penalty for drugs here, but we
used to have life in prison for marijuana. Yeah, like for a certain
amount of it. Bring that back. No, it's like we had like
I think it was like over a certain amount of pot, they'd put you
in jail for life. I'm sure a lot of those people have gotten out.
But check it out. What over we legal everywhere, but there's some
FEDS that if they catch you in the act, then you're busted. But
there's only like, let's say a hundred nationwide. Just wrote like, you
want to make it legal, but not if these specific hundred guys. You
want to make it legal, but also a sport, it's a game,
well you want to keep the edge to it, a game of life and
day, right, because if we being legalized nationwide just kind of like a
thrill. Yeah right. It's like once you turn twenty one, then going
to the bar, you're like, oh, I'm allowed to be here.
Not as fun, right. I think Lucy k had a bit about that
in Gay Sex, where it was just like it just can't be as fun
now that it's totally chill. Yeah you know what I mean, Like it's
not because it's not as like ddabo. Yes, it's not a taboo.
You leave that, you leave that angle. I was thinking about it.
The last time I felt that way about drinking was probably when I went out
right after I got my first round of the vaccine. I was like,
I'm finally out at a bar and I'm like, oh fuck yeah, like
I might get six still there. I mean, the last time I got
sucked in the ass. So I was just like, man doesn't tickle like
it used to, doesn't it? Because it got destroyed the first time?
Yeah, got pushed all up in there. That's how it works. You
don't even know your own anatomy. Almost robbed to a spit. Take that.
Yeah, it's so close. How can you know your anatomy when it
keeps being rearranged? It's impossible. So back to our boyd Fronds. Yeah,
tell me about this. He was an executioner in the late sixteenth century
early seventeenth century. He left a diary in which he detailed all three hundred
and sixty one executions he performed during his forty five year career. I feel
like that's low for that time. I mean he's the executioner for like a
town, Oberg, a city at that Yeah, I thought Norremberg. But
he wasn't Nuremberg the whole time. No, well, he did most of
his career, wasn't Norremberg. Okay, yeah, I guess that is low.
I'm going to do years five. Yeah, so three sixty one divided
by forty five, that's like a couple of years. That's like what six
seven? I don't know. It just sounds like Japanese numbers, crime rates
low, forty five, eighty year eight. This guy's working out, this
guy's working eight days a year, all right, But what is the population
norm breaking? Fucking fifteen hundred, fifteen hundreds? If I had to guess,
thirty to forty thousand, fight, I'll look either way. I guess
that's normal. That actually makes sense. Eighty year eighty year sounds right.
Yeah, I mean we were thinking of like a big city, but that's
not norm breaking the fifteen hundreds. Yeah, it's just a forty thousand person.
Yeah, yeah, I mean that's that's what's right. So Franz Schmidt
was born in fifteen fifty five and was about eighteen years old when it became
the executioner under his father's supervision in Bamberg in fifteen seventy three. Baby,
was it bring your kid to workday? We'll check it out his father every
day on Earth for millennia, is it bring your is bring your kid to
work day? Yeah? It's weird that you can't. Now, it is
weird that yeah, like that's not the norm. Like, no, you
gotta put your kid in fucking uh daycare and learn to read, and I
swear I'm gonna move to the fucking woods. The only reason Rob's still doing
this podcast is so we can pay for his children's day care, to pay
purely to pay for daycare, Like we're just successful enough for them to be
watched after which I don't really care for. Right, unsubscribed with slash softcore
history. If you don't want Rob's kids to receive an education, click that
unsubscribed, unsubscribe, or you can go the complete opposite route, make us
rich and famous, and then those kids become total ship hits, Yeah,
where they eschew their own education. Yeah, and I think that's the move.
I would prefer that. Actually, now that we're talking it out,
I'm glad we are brainstorming allowed Yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, because it's
more fun for my kids. It's like an inception, right, Like you
want them to think they had the idea you want. You don't want other
people to make my children's destitute. You want them to make themselves destitute.
Right, it's actually funnier. Yeah, they did it. They did themselves.
They did it themselves. So his father actually became executioner out of no
choice of his own. What you got made to be. Yeah, the
old man was a woodcutter who was forced to perform an execution when he was
just a bystander in an execution. Hey hey, ax man, get over
here. You cut wood? Why don't you cut this head off? That
sounds like a middle Middle Medieval version of like a story you hear about like
football coach, you saw me talking bodies a hail on Paul's truck and said,
hey, bot, you can play all fans line. They say,
I know I'm into anafail. It's Forest Gump. It's Forest Gump running through
Alabama's practice kind of. Uh So, the stigma of being an executioner was
not great. It wasn't a highly revered job, wasn't. Uh yeah,
killing your neighbors isn't uh highly looked up. Two things. They were kind
of a social outcast while still being publics events. They made a lot of
money too. They made a good chunk of change. That's good. That's
good. If you're gonna, like I know, working for the government,
you're supposed to get paid dog shit, I bet you. There are these
fucking like middle Middle Medieval like libtards that had stupid shirts like that said like
a ea b all executioners are bastards, fucking probably, yeah, yeah,
they're just fucking so I support the thin black line. So thin god,
yeah, thin black line is pretty good for executioners. I can't beat that.
So five years later, fifteen seventy eight, Franz secured the post as
executioner of Normberg. He married the chief executioners daughter in Normburg, Maria Beck.
Keep it in the family, you know, the kid that they are
gonna make is just gonna be so damn good. It's swinging a fucking axe
or pulling a guilty in string, right, And he became the chief executioner
after his father in law. So I guess they have like multiple executioners.
So like maybe eighty year makes sense, makes way more sense now, yeah,
yeah, multiple. I mean you can't just be swinging constantly. That's
like I guarantee you look out like I don't know, fifteen twenty years.
Remember you remember David Lee, NBA player of Florida Players. He's married to
a fucking now ex professional tennis player. So he's a seven foot NBA player
married a fucking female tennis player. There's gonna be either a girl who's like
six' three six' five or a boy who's like six' ten who
is just going to set a tennis world on fire or be very mediocre at
basketball. They have pretty good choices. Yeah, pretty good. But you
know, fine, fine at basketball, good college player, Yeah yeah,
yeah, like they will be serviceable off the bench. David Lee was great.
I'm just saying, I don't know if their kid's gonna be killed and
literally joke him sing his mom was like a supermodel and his dad was like
a really tall tennis I mean, just say, Christian McCaffrey the best example.
Yeahs an nflay mom is I loved Ed McCaffrey as a kid. Oh
yeah, everyone did, every white kid, but Christian's way better. Ed's
underrated, but yes, Christian is is way better for sure, and also
a better example for the future of this evergreen content. He's going to make
more of an impact in the NFL than David Lee made in the NBA.
Well, obviously, although he Christian McCaffrey. I do believe it. David
Lee won an NBA championship with the Warriors. He got one with the Dubs
or was he too early? No, he was there with the Dubs.
He did however, miss the Gators by one year, he left it,
he graduated, and then they started they won. Yeah. So, throughout
his career as an executioner, Franz Schmidt also had a side job as a
healer. Okay, according to Joel Harrington, a historian who authored an account
of his life. So they ended up turning this diary into a book you
can buy now or rents out a library if you so choose, if you're
into that sort of thing. Yeah, libraries. The library actually is.
And let's poss Let's be honest. If you're a podcast listener, the last
thing you're doing is reading books. I don't think that's true. If you're
a podcast host here, you're not reading a book. Yeah, Jake read
one book this year, and he's told everyone, h I think I've read
one book in the last five years. I think I read two this year.
Actually, no, what was it? It was Cormick McCarthy, but
it wasn't No Country, it was no Blood Brian. And then there goes
on and on about Blood Meridio. You know, Blood Meridian is a good
book because of a lot of reasons. I'll start with the first one.
So Schmid's own estimate of patient seeking medical advice amounted to fifteen thousand consultations.
So yeah, he had anss little sad gig just like hey, rubs and
dirt on it. I mean, you know, whiches were the same way
at the time, right they would do they just assume heally is kill you.
Well, here's the thing, right, that's totally I gotta feel like
the healer move is probably a balance of the scales in his mind too,
Right, It's like for everyone to take out I'm gonna help like two.
You know. That's how he does the mental math and the compartmentalization of that.
Yeah, so that that checks to me. Yeah, so fathered seven
children and on his salary on par with these cities wealthy asturists allowed him to
have a spacious residence and so he's rich, but they think he's trash.
Yeah, yeah, they just don't like him because that's really funny. He's
like he's new money, blue collar money. He's like a contractor, gross,
like a rich contractor. That reminds me of my favorite scene in Major
League when Tom Bearinger is like having drinks with these fancy Cleveland people and they're
like, h real professional bashball it was like the mid eighties. By the
way, we made our money in concrete, Like, oh, good money
in baseball. He's like, well, actually make the league minimum. But
the league minimum at the time in the eighties was like in the mid one
hundred, like six figures, which in the mid eighties is a ton of
money. Yeah, and they're like, oh, I went very well.
Thing sounds like king. I was like, you know those Cleveland Tis with
their yeah fucking tuxedo tracking, Yeah, all that denim. How can you
afford such a nice denim? So he ended up retiring in sixteen seventeen.
He began a new lucrative career as a medical consultant, and uh yeah,
he lived a pretty good life and he somehow even shook the social stigma,
uh because he was just universally liked in the town. Oh okay, so
he was like, hey, you know what that oh that guy who caught
up the innocent girl's head, Like, I know we're talking shit on it,
but I talked to the other day. Like I didn't want to,
but I talked to the other day. Also, a nice squad. You
know, you see someone do the same job for long enough, you start
just appreciating that they're the same, right. He became a revered member of
the local establishment, widely respected for his steadfastness. He was just really good
with the sword, just like he only he's one cut and done. There's
got something to be said for. Like, oh, dude, I went
to an execution in Dussel Dwarf and that guy three hacks every and every neck
three hacks. I just I mean, they were alive. We call him
three pete. Yeah, Peter, his name's Peter. We call him three
pete. I mean, and they were alive until the third one. It
was bad. That's actually where Scorsese got Tommy two time from. He needed
to two hacks every time. Yeah. No, I it's gotta be.
You gotta be the most hated person on earth if you're like the three swing
executioner. Oh my god. I was like, dude, we didn't even
like that. That guy was a child molester. But gets bad. Yeah,
it's like in the It's like the scene in the Green Mile, It's
like, I get it, like he was a piece of ship, but
Jesus Christ, but the sponge on Yeah, like good lord, Yeah,
it's and I honestly I do I'm pretty sure that was a thing because I
think man William, maybe it was Raleigh someone not Francis Drake, but some
British explore. He eventually ended up getting executed, and he was like swinging
true boy or some shit like that, because he was just like, don't
fuck this up. That's why they made the guillotine. Yeah, because the
guillotine was fuck up proof. Well for the first couple of rounds. Yeah,
yeah, it wore out. You had to sharpen it. But yeah,
no, there's a story from a while back to you where I got
I don't know what time period, but like I think it's during the French
Revolution and someone's like which one, right, I don't know, but the
big one and which big one? The first one is the big one,
the big one, the big one. But around be like hey, hey,
you're doing that bad or something like that. It might not even been
the French Revolution, might have been before that, but yeah, they were
like you're doing this bad. Like he wasn't dead yet and he's like kill
me already. Yeah. It's like, can you imagine getting like shit talked
by the person you're trying to execute. They're just like you all, I
mean I've you know, I've seen a recent bedheading video of course in the
last like fifteen twenty years or whatever, and like, it's a process,
it's processed. Well, yeah, you watched the fucking like isis box cutter
version of it? Yeah, the machete or whatever. Yeah, it's the
process. It's not easy trust it sometimes. I didn't trust that process for
one second. So he lived out until sixteen thirty four. So he lived
a long life until about seventy nine. So good life in that great fifteen
sixteen hundreds, great life, rich, steady work. Just don't zoom in
on the work part. Well loved, Well, we're going to zoom in
the big family. He details the work. Yeah, so this episode is
all about showing the work. You got to show the work. You have
to. You can't just give the answer like, oh, this guy had
a pretty sick life the end. That's how I feel about most people's just
views on anything nowadays. I'm just like, I feel like you can't show
your work, Like I feel like you're giving an answer, but you can't
show your work. I think that's my biggest problem. That kind of makes
sense, It makes perfect sense. We're idiots. Yeah, we're all moron.
Nobody reads like myself. I just kind of outed myself. But I
mean, you knew that you read every day, that you read every day.
The idea that people don't read is insane. People don't read books.
Yes, people read constantly. They read more than they ever have. I
read headlines. That that's reading. You have to read the headline. You
get information. Yeah, it's not like. It's not like Twitter just Poplar
like and you have a news app. It just flashes images at you all
day. Yeah, like, yeah, I know, they keep my eyes
open like clockwork, aren't. Yeah, it's like news did now current It's
just like a series of lights and sounds. Oh shit, that's just TV.
So Schmidt executed criminals by rope, by sword, by breaking wheel.
All right, well that's a bit different transition into modern entity. So yeah,
he would, you know, sometimes you have ahead them. Sometimes he'd
have to hang them. Sometimes he'd have to just slowly cut all their skins.
He had to break their soul. Sometimes he just made their skeleton as
long as possible. Ye, by burning and by drowning. Drowning. Now,
the wheel was reserved for severely violent criminals. So any murderers, anybody
that's kind of going on a rampage, you getting the wheel right. Burnings
were, of course for homosexuals and counterfeiters one of the same. What is
counterfeiting but witchcraft it's trickery. And what is homosexual intercourse but counter fitting?
Yeah, that's not a vagina, that's as a counterfeit vagina. That's that's
or a counterfeit wiener. Remember I think it was in the Roman sexuality episode
we did. They were like a lesbians had like giant clips that were counterfeit
wieners. Basically yea had sex toys. What didn't they have a stick full
of bees? There's something like that. Uhh yeah, you put bees inside
of fucking tube. Yeah. If you're carving a dildo out of wood,
that you gotta kind of figure out the splinter problem. You sand it,
I think you sand it, Yeah, then you probably coat it. You
wax it. Yeah with it, you sand it, you wax it olive
oil problem solved. Ain't that hard to fucking dildo yourself in ancient times?
No? And you just filled the reservoir with bees? Yeah? Yeah.
And drowning, of course, was for women that committed infanticide. I'm down
with that. I know, postpartum and all that stuff, but man,
we could actually get into an entire episode on the the myths that exists now,
Like I'll say this, I'm down with it if if it wasn't postpartum,
if it was just a crazy bitch killing an infant, I'm down with
that. If it was postpartum, not not so down with it. Well,
we have like actual like fairy tale lore that kind of is spun up
from postpartum depression that maybe he's just very your child, yeah, and replacing
it. He was dunking her head down, he was rebaptizing her clean nursul
it got too clean. Like, oh, this woman had to leave her
child in the woods because the fairies replaced it. It's a counterfeit and like
that's how you explained away if she couldn't do it. Yeah, yeah,
like that, and it's a sad reality. Just drop it off at the
convent. God let it grow up to be a church slave. Yeah.
So people ended up finding his diary after he died, even had an autograph
in it. He just kind of signed off on it. Oh he's oh
that's not an autograph. That's like signing your book. Yeah, like I
wrote this, Yeah, and now I'm dead. You think he ended his
diary with the end. You can buy this now. Yeah, it has
all whatever, three hundred and sixty one execution so oh he notes them all,
you know, it's about all of them. It's like Johann Vaz,
a very noted boy, and he got Seville. This guy's neck was so
thick. I didn't think I could do it. Oh boy, Well,
the first entry is actually pretty short. It's just a linehard to Russ of
Zon, a thief executed with the rope at the city of Steinik. Was
my first execution quick hanging. Yeah, you know, you got to kind
of like ease into it. He's not your first execution. Can't be on
the wheel, no no, no, no, no, that's deep end
trying to have somebody's first start. With the Super Bowl, I read somewhere
that if you dive from hanging by execution, you get a boner. There's
something about the way it now your neck and like creates pressure in your brain.
Oh that like you get a boner. If you get hung. There's
no blood going to your head anymore. It's rushing down. It's like it's
like a cockering for the rest of your body, like your family is there
watching. Doesn't sound that bad then made to watch? Yeah, it's just
like shit, you're pooping and having a boner at the same time. Do
you salute the boner you're falling? Yeah? I think if I, if
I remember publicly hung tomorrow, I would like Rory to JFK Junior salute in
his little outfit as you just rock Dick went up and nit broke rolled down
my pants and yeah, my neck's broken. I can't imagine it's a strong
boner. Maybe it's super strong. What if it's the strongest? Yeah,
what if like right before you die, you're like, damn, good dick
day. Fuck yeah, blast a little bit. That's a good thought to
have as you die. Good day, great dick day. Yeah. I
couldn't have asked any better. So I couldn't find all of the entries,
obviously having to buy the book, which we're not. I'm not doing that.
No, no, I was gonna buy the e book, but then
it wasn't available. I don't know how an ebook could be unavailable out of
stock? Are you kidding? And it just told me like places I could
get it. I could go to the fucking library downtown in Austin and get
the e book, the real book, I I they're sending you because there
was an author that you know, took the diary and kind of made it
his own thing. Yeah, we like add notes to it and ship yeah,
and gave context and translated it. Obviously, everyone's fuctionerry dude, content
aggregators. Yeah, sad, all of them, including ourselves. So I'm
just gonna kind of read some random entries that I found perfect love that,
just to kind of give you a sense at the time, a sense of
his job, a sense of what was going on in Germany in the fifteen
hundred, sixteen hundreds. So July it would have been roughly the same time
as when King James got a horny for those witch trials that were in Germany
and then they spread to Denmark, and then King James was like, we
need some we need that sounds dopeys Almost the exact same time. July twenty
eighth, fifteen ninety. Frederick Stigler from Normberg, a coppersmith, an executioner's
assistant. He is being brought on the charges of having accusations against some citizens
wives that they were witches. Oh damn. So he is now being brought
to trial for accusing people of being witches wrongly because they were druids. Ooh,
he knew it. By their side, however, he wittingly did them
wrong. Also said that they gave magic spells to people. Likewise for having
threatened his brother be hanged but terror Peter Lyon on account of which threat He
had appeared before the Court of Bamberg several years ago, but was begged off
lastly for having a second wife during the life of his first wife and a
third wife during the life of his second after the death of his first,
so he kind of had some overlap between his dead wives. I guess you
can't marry otherwise while you have a wife. Pretty common rule. Yeah,
you know, polygamy not not legal in most places most of the time.
Executed with the sword here out of mercy. You got beheaded for that.
What do you just do? Like, had too many wives and accused of
people, accused a bunch of people being witches. I feel like that should
be that's a proper I think he actually correspond to having somebody accuse you of
being a witch, because then if you are found to be a witch.
You're gonna die. Yeah, You're gonna die bad. Yeah. I also
got to think to you, like, it's not a big town, not
the biggest place in the world. It's like, all right, you have
all the wives, and you're killing other people's wives, right, Like first
everyone's gonna know you got extra wives. By the way, how do you
not figure that out? Like now where you can just have a secret family,
can't you even do that anymore? That's specific? Oh, I just
picked a town. Yeah, old, multiple homes on old O'Neil Street.
I don't understand how people pull that off. Maybe your name is Sarah,
you have a daughter, daughter, you always wanted. Let's go hang out
once a weekend. Yeah, tell the wife you have diarrhea and you're sick
on Thanksgiving to podcast? Yeah yeah yeah. I got two jobs, so
much work. I don't know how anyone works that hard at a lot.
You're Oh, I don't understand how people talk to multiple love interests at a
time. Oh, I know several people. I know one other job.
I know one person who is a pathological liar who did that, and then
I know someone who had that done to them. I remember even being on
the data and apps. I'm like, I know two people who are overwhelming.
Yeah, I can't talk to more than four people. It's like hello,
hello, and they're all on original assholes too. Women suck. Wait
what are you referring to? You know one of the people who we know
who had that knocked them, But I know someone who you don't know who
had that done to them. This is the We both know a guy who
had that done to them, But I know a girl who also had done
them with a guy was just like her boyfriend. She had a whole ass
other relationship. And then I know a guy who did that too. Two
chicks come on names album. But like it is, there's no reason to
tell the story if you can't say the name. No, But I was
just wondering the context of what you were talking about. Oh, I know
another person that happened to fuck dude, I know like so many people.
This happened to way too many people. How the fuck do you do that?
You gonna be a lunatic. There's just a lot of work, man,
it's too much works, too much time on their hands. Get a
real job, get a hobby, get a hobby, get a fuck your
hobby with rudes. Your hobby is being loved you fucking thick fuck. Yeah,
you know what jerk off? Jerk off, jerk off that has big
I don't jerk off energy. Yeah, you have multiple families just because you
can't jerk off kind of right, Yeah, gott to pop off. It
sounds all of your issues. You immediately don't care about anything post not clarity.
This is a bad idea. Pick up the sticks man. There should
be truly, like before every major test in high school, maybe seventh grade
on, every boy should have to go into the bathroom and jerk off.
So you're just like, I'm not I don't care, I don't care about
Yeah, just I want to do this test now. Yeah. Yeah.
Honestly, in a NFL huddle or a college footballhuddle, yeah, the quarterback
should just get the jerk off for a big play. Fourth and ten five
seconds left on the clock. At your own Jalen Milroe probably jacked off.
It's a they take a j O t O yeah joto. November sixth,
fifteen ninety five, Hans Secret from Paulingen nearnin Mark, a farm hen who
murdered a tailor named Summerstein at the sundern with a fence post. What.
Oh, well, I mean there's not great ways to die. Then explain
there's so many that aren't just beating because I'm imagining something. Yeah, he
doesn't really go into detail either way, Like if you're gonna keep a diary,
at least tell us, did you spike the man? Which did you
bash the man? Wait? So did he did he? Oh? Did
he impale the man? Wait? I mean like Vladstone did he? I'm
sorry he executed this guy with the fence poe? Now guy killed someone or
murder rights? Okay, what the person is? All right? Sorry,
I go either way. That's a lot of work. Yeah, like you
know, big fence posts are that's hard. Yeah, are probably not that
big then probably smaller people, that's true. All the fences are only five
feet you just hop them. Yeah, it was a land of dolls.
Yeah, all the all the ceilings are six ft high. Yeah, be
banging your head left and right. Giants. We'd be giants then, I
mean, honestly, you probably executed for being giants even being back home and
Saint Louis's weak or whatever. Like our house was built in the late twenties.
I think it's just it's a it's bigger than my house I currently live
in, but it's just so everything so small. Yeah, everything is so
it's more square footage, but more rims. Yeah, like smaller rooms.
Yeah yeah, but even the doorways like height and with like everything. Dude,
I look at old houses all the time when and I'm like, how
do they move shit in here? I don't get anything. I just like
the architects are like, no one could ever be two hundred and fifty pounds.
Yeah, that's really it, dude. They didn't believe in gains.
They didn't believe in the fucking word kind of games either way, gains games
as it's all mass baby executed here with the sword whipped all the way until
he knelt down. So he went out like go birch. Oh. So
he was just like whoa please, I didn't mean the full this man on
the fucking ledge, heads down, head down, buddy, O god,
being executed just so much like a drink wh yesterid so like a lot of
just the thought of being executed as creating this internal dread. Oh that's grim
though, Like he's just like you're just like, oh boy, that's a
lot some of these, he kind of like marks the number of which execution
is for him. So this is two ninety November, not the wh boy,
This is after what boy did. Another guy, Hans Ziggler Okay,
threatened to burn down the houses of friends and guardians for refusing him money.
If you don't give me money, I'm gonna burn your house down. You
get murdered, you get executed for that. He uh squandered all of it
on women and prostitutes. We threatened to burn people's houses down, but he
didn't. Well he's a nut job. They're just like, get this man
off the streets. I mean, do you kill them? Is option one
into the grave? Well, this is awkward. It's not a prison,
yeah, or I don't know, like a place to exile people. No,
I had it with the sword. I'm a favor for what favor?
What's the favorite? Families? Like this guy keeps cout around. Could you
please just know those guys clearly down bad. It spent all his money on
prostitutes. So it's just like, hey man, I think it's it's a
street. Leaving Earth is like leaving the party. It's like, hey man,
I think it's just time for you to go home, like you just
return. You're just a little drunk, you know what I mean. I
think it's time to go home. We'll see you in the afterlife, all
right. I just think you've had a little too much life. Or the
guy comes in like, hey, I kind of blew it, can you
uh you know, yeah, real quick time, I guess yeah, Oh
for sure, dog, I got you living, baby, Yeah, and
die and then try to fix those lessons you learned. January sixteenth, sixteen
sixteen. Two women let out on a cart. One was the maid who
was a servant to young mistress Mom Ploban vun Plobin, Yes, the Unplovn
family of Numberg. She attacked her mistress and murdered her in bed by night
in her sleep. For this, she was twice nipped with red hot tongs
in each arm as she let out on the cart. Then her head was
struck off and fixed on the gallows and her body thrown into the pit.
The other was a wife whose husband committed murder and ran away, but she
helped them, stealing and carrying off the goods. She was beheaded also and
buried. It was snowing heavily. Why was the first excuse it again,
did they they took out a piece of her arm with red hot No,
no, they kind of stuck her with tongs and both red hot tongs in
both arms as she's being let out, and then they got rid of her
head. And that was for murdering. Well, look, you can't murdering
and sleep, so that's kind of justified. And you can't let the pores
know that they can just go and hurt the I mean that requires an extra
level of punishments. And then this other girl that you know, two for
one kind of a bogo deal. She was just present while her husband kind
of didn't murder somebody, but she did steal stuff when the guy was dead,
so she's gotta go. Yeah, but her husband kind of left her.
Yeah, husband bailed. Well that's kind of a Well, we can't
get him, so we're gonna get you, right, Best of luck,
Frau line h here's a entry, Uh just says. When placed on the
stone, his head turned several times as if it wanted to look about,
moved its tongue, open his mouth if wanted to speak for a good half
quarter of an hour. I have never seen the likes of this. Wait,
so for fifteen like for seven minutes. This dude's head after it fell
off just was like looking around stick eyes were moving and it's like just spas
a at that real quick. I have a diary of my own to read
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a better deal or a better product. I mean, they say, I
don't know how the sword was, but this guy's obviously great, right swinging,
swinging and act swinging a sword, they say, with the guillotine like
people routinely were still like there for a sec. I'm sure there's like a
minute where they were like what, yeah, I'm just a head. I
mean, the the sort of apocryphal tale is that they picked up Marie Antoinette's
head, slapped her in the face, like, yeah, bitch, fucking
yeah, they bitch didn't even do anything to us. Yeah, and she
looked offended after the slap. That is the sword of tail. I mean,
yeah, that's what you get for being thirteen and sent off to another
country be married against you. Will you fucking cut fucking bitch. We gotta
show you. We really got to do the French Revolution the dumbest it's I
don't it's so it's such an interestingly taught thing, like I remember being taught
at several times. I even't took a class in college, but like it
was always just like this, and it never really captured the insanity of it
correctly. It was then this happened. Then this happened, This happened.
It's very was ever like and this is why mobs are bad. It was
just almost like anthropological, like it happened to another species on another planet.
I think that's one of the problems with history. But he thinks they keep
doing it. I know, yeah, they just well, I mean like
that. I think that's one of the bigger issues with the way history can
be taught to It is looked at from this lens of like it's another group
of people that was so far long ago, like it's not even people anymore.
You know, it's like, no, put yourself in those shoes.
The only it's like, the only two ways you look at history is just
like, well, obviously we're kind choose right mm, because people will be
like, oh wow, slavery, it was so evil and it wasn't that
long ago, like pay us now, right? No, No, I
I think people give us reparations because slavery wasn't that long ago, and the
effect of the economy or like the potential earnings of totally yeah, the familiar.
Well although well but at the same time they'll be like, oh the
you know, something that was probably closer to us, but that was so
long ago. Yeah, but yeah whatever, Oh well do you really count
that? Bro? History is subjective, yeah, well, and everyone just
draws arbitrary lines. But it is funny like in learning a lot of stuff
in history, especially grade school and like updut even high school history, because
either one or two things, you're either kind of told to look at it
as like those people so long ago, or you know, especially in like
American history, if you don't look at it as like, oh, yeah
that was weird and we'd obviously never do that. Now we're a much smut.
Now we're like and now the other part of it is like, oh
yeah, George Washington, Yeah, there is that element to it too.
That's very American history, though, oh yeah, yeah, Like I don't
know how many. I'm sure there's other countries that do that. The Greeks
do that actually a lot, with the Eastern Roman Empire. They think that
that is a bigger focus of of their history, that's from what I've read,
than even like ancient Greece. They're like, oh, yeah, we're
the most powerful cook because ancient Greece was never the most powerful country on Earth,
but the Eastern Roman Empire, and that was a Greek empire. It
was the most powerful country on earth for as long as America has been around.
And America's only been the most powerful country on Earth for seventy years.
Yeah, it's it's not been a long time. Really. I always found
that, like having to do the state history in school, two hundred years
a good run. That's Clemson, you know what I mean, that's Clemson
football. There you go. America is like Georgia. America's Yeah, the
Greeks don't like claim Alexander. Really they do, they learned all that stuff,
but they I just say they have. They have a much bigger focus
on the Eastern Roman Empire, which get there. It's like a nice little
crossover too. You get the fucking Egyptians, you know everything. Yeah,
but he wasn't really the great episode. He's Macedonian. M Yeah, that's
Greek. Look to us Ish, Yeah, it's all Greek, and yeah,
Hondura. But if you ask, like the general public, who Brownsfield
text, just tell us where was Alexander the Great from? I think the
majority of the population could say Greece. I think they would say Rome.
It'd be either who do you do you think you get more Romes or massive
hunts Rome? Yeah? I think so way more Rome. Yeah, nobody's
you would get one out of every one hundred. People would say, that's
funny. It's like if you're on family Feud and you're just like, all
right, give us Macedonia and his aunt. But that's a correct answer.
But no one, no one, not based on that. It's the survey.
Yeah, survey says we really do have to man on the street,
we should do a history fan of family feud. You're like yeah, we
should do family feud, but we shouldn't do man on the street, man
the street. No, no, no, no no, But family feud
is the man on the streets. Yeah, go to ask people. Yeah,
we get the answers, all right. March twenty second, his two
hundred ninety fifth execution. So I'm guessing this is around sixteen sixteen. Uh.
Leonard door Line, a man of Coltruthe executed because he threatened him warn
people he would burn their houses down. I guess it was a problem.
Well all right, Actually, to be fair, there ain't exactly a fucking
fire department if a house catches fire, which, by the way, like
everything's a townhouse in a city. Yeah, that's a real last threat.
I mean that he didn't do anything, So I'm not totally sold on the
execution, But like, threatening to burn a house down in a city is
the problem? Threatening to burn a city down, Yeah, it's you might
ruin the entire I mean, what is the old tale from the Chicago fire,
Missus O'Leary's cow kicked over a lamp and a thousand people died. That's
fane Is that cow is just like being a cow? It's the second next
famous cow. Yeah. Next thing, you know, a fucking baby's well
done and it's fucking crib ninety blocks away. Yeah, it's called Revenge of
the Cow. Yeah. Yeah, it's like, how do you like it?
Now? Motherfucker? Do you like being scharborld? It's bad. When
his sentence was read to him, he said he was willing to die,
but asked as a favor, could he fence and fight four of the guards
on his way out? Did they grant this? Sick No, of course
not. Can I can I go down swinging? No, it's just like,
oh, come on, old sport, on more more round please?
Well, I mean he was insane and he had an insane last request.
I think it is insane to be like, you know what, I stand
by the burning down. I said, that'd be so sick if there was
a state in the US, because you know how that there's a dude a
dude every couple of years. It's like, I mean, there was the
one famous guy that was like, I choose firing squad. Yeah, it'd
be sweet if some state just still accidentally had trial by combat on the books,
just put and you just had like some like the most originalist judge possible
bull is just like it is written, so it shattered. Be this is
not a living document. We must do it this way. Yeah. No,
but like and then some guy gets that trial by combat. No,
they just put in like a Boston Dynamics dog with like so you gotta fight
the dog. Dude, he's got like knives like a flamethrower and shit,
it's like you want this and then wrap things up, We're gonna have his
final execution where he burned men alive when I finally got to kill a gay
guy. No counterfeiter, Oh yeah, I'm sure he caught a few gay
bodies. He was practicing coining and counterfeit money fraudently. He also worked with
magic. Ah, yes, well, I mean that kind of goes hand
in hand at the TI. I mean, was he like an alchemist,
remember like Newton was. Oh yeah, yeah, they're trying to make shit
in the gold. I'm pretty sure you can make anything into gold. Yeah,
way sweeter than physics. Yeah, this man was a miller, so
he writes, the miller who worked in the town mills here three years ago
fell into a towel. Note it would have been better if he had drowned,
but it turned out, according to the proverb, what belongs to the
gallows cannot drown in the water. This was the last person whom I Master
Frondz executed. Those were his words. Okay, was this a real time
diary? Was it all after the fact? Oh? He wrote it after
every execution, just writing it. He was actually writing it while he was
executing. Yeah, in blood. Yeah, it's like, pay attention.
You have missed so many times. Please stop writing. Yeah, you can't
miss the fire, really we can't. Yeah, we can see his spine.
It's not ideal. So that is the story of the second most famous
diary perhaps in the world. What did you guys learn? We learned you
didn't have to do a lot to get your fucking head cut off. I
knew that. I learned you didn't have to do a lot to make a
good living. And this guy was upper middle class, right, Yeah.
But I didn't realize there was such a stigma because I never really thought about
it. But I didn't realize there was a stigma with being an executioner.
But it makes sense because like, these are your fellow you know, residents
in your town. You know, there's the classic trope of the hooded executioner,
the big sort of dirty grease. It would actually make more sense because
like it's like a college mascot, right, you never want to see what's
underneath. Yeah, like, oh, that's the executioner. We don't.
It's to spare him his image being ruined. But like you have to know
who it is. Everybody knows. It's like, hey, where's Jack,
Where's Jim who's never been to an execution? Yeah? Or maybe that's like
Franz is always out of town. I don't know. There's always said did
you see the execution? Yeah, it's like he's like a family guy bit
where it's like Clark Kent is never there whatever, you know what I mean.
It's like, dude, you missed Superman again? We oh wow,
Well I'm sure he saved the day. Yeah, I'm sure he hacked that
head off. Yeah just fine. Yeah, who is today's hitler? Well
I didn't say what I learned yet? Yeah what did you learn? What
did you learn? As you take a swig from your your drink, Adding
dramatic suspense, I definitely didn't realize that executioners. So I did read about
one executioner once. He ended up making a good amount of money. But
he's it was made to seem like that was like out of the ordinary,
and he did it kind of like he took advantage of certain things and and
blah blah blah. Sure, yeah, I didn't realize executioners at least in
Germany in that period where like, you know, making good money. It
is kind of like, oh man, you know what it reminds me of.
It reminds me of uh, Like obviously you don't think of a plumber
as like a or trash man. Yeah, as like as like a high
paying job. Yeah, status job. Right, everybody's like a plumber,
you know what I mean, the plumber a bit of money though, like
fun, Yeah, that's what I'm that's executioners. They were just society's plumbers.
I mean his dad was a woodcutter and didn't choose his life. No.
I think that's the craziest part of the story to me, Like he
he just happened to be chopping wood by the fucking gallows that he just showed
up to an execution and like you're the dude that cuts wood. Huh.
Yeah. He was essentially like Tom Osborne's first offensive line recruitedt Nebraska. Hey,
yeah, yeah, I see, and you block them cows into that
into that pen. So who's today's hitler I ever wanted to fucking burn Gaze
alive? I guess now it's the guy who murdered and robbed the guy and
then let his wife take the heat for Yeah, that guy. That guy's
a real always have a fall guy or gal. He's just doing things right.
Should we put it on somebody else? Shouldn't be your wife? Mm?
You get a new wife. I guess if you're murdering, you don't.
Your moral compass isn't exactly Like one of the guys are earlier did this
to his one of his wives that were alive. He wouldn't be in trouble
for remarrying while they're still alive because they would die. It makes me wonder
if he was killing his wives, like he already had a new one for
the old one was dead. Oh yeah, he wasn't. He wasn't killing
that's I'm saying. But like they would just done. That's a lot I
guess. Yeah, it's the fifteen to sixteen hundred. It's like, yeah,
he was being executed for having multiple wives at the same time concurrently.
Right, That makes sense. Yeah, but what if he didn't want to
juggle too many? Yeah, that's true, he's saying. I also,
we hear about the wives that they document, but who knows how many wives
he had that were undocumented. I will say, I don't know if they're
my hitlers. But the more I think about it, the more threatening.
To burn down someone's house is essentially screaming like I would a fire gun,
declare that I'm part of humus or eyes just whatever's hot right now, clipping
I do have mad clucking shooting e clip it FA's yep. Yeah, and
it's just like, hop, what to do the worst possible fucking thing that
society could have me do right now? Yeah? No, I think it
is like you're you're just like angry hail Mary of hate. Yeah, like
your hate Mary basically. Yeah, Like it's like I'm gonna fucking yeah,
I'm gonna shoot it's the I'm gonna shoot up the school. Basically I'm gonna
burn down in your house, yeah, because that's also the city. Yeah.
Yeah, you guys kind of flipped him that you did a total one
to eighty. You're like, yeah, just threatening, huh. And then
you're like, oh, well actually the whole town could go down, So
yeah, get rid of them. I don't know you should. Again,
there's gotta be a jail, but yeah, you hold him. I'm not
spending my taxpayer Honestly, at this point in time, it's probably cheaper to
kill him. Wait trial, really no, there's no fucking appeal, Like
maybe if it's like somebody's boy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, but so
cheaper to kill him, way cheaper. But yeah, that's the show for
today. Maybe you learned something, maybe you didn't, who cares? You
probably did it might of uh make sure to check out our patreon Patreon dot
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so like a pink and blueish rope pat one at HB today. I'm like
that would look good with the softcore history just text. Yeah, down with
that. Yeah, but that's all I got for today. Leave a review
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For Jake Goldman, Rob Fox, I'm damagester and you just got saw served