Hey, everybody, Welcome to the Calamity Jane's Podcast. I am Emily Kaplan.
I write under the name E. M. Kaplan. I write the
Josie Tucker Mystery series and the upcoming Virtual Vigilante series coming from False Half Books,
the first one of which is Arsenic and Alibis. Tonight, I'm playing
Claudia the Rogue. I am Judy Black, and tonight I will be playing
Gigi the nickel Mansalem. I write stuff mainly Dungeon the Dragons modules. Right
now, I should have a new one out called Short and Sweet, which
is a introduction, little one shot for new players. Hey, y'all,
I'm Misty Massey, and I play Malibu, the cheerful, sun drenched cleric
whose dearest dream is to find Silas Kane and reprimand him thoroughly for his naughtiness,
because we all know it's his fault that I'm being stuck having to sing
all the time in the game. In real life, I'm the author of
the Madchestral series of pirate fantasy adventures and a beat saber fanatic. Find me
on my site Misty Massey dot com and on Facebook, Twitter, masted on,
and TikTok hi, y'all. I'm Teresa Glover. I'm the author of
the Caitlin Kelly Munster Hunter series with Falstaff Books, and am being besieged by
technology gremlins today, so we're putting on a happy thing. That's how this
works. When I'm in the game, I'm playing Ella and failing generally at
perception roles. But you know, in real life, I do a lot
of things like run the false Staff Mothership at convention, and it is convention
season, bitches, so that's where I'm going to be most of the time.
Hopefully I'll see you at one of the local conventions like SAGA in Winston
Salem next month, or perhaps in Portland in August when y'all come see us
at Authors and Dragons con. And yeah, that's all for now. I
guess that just leaves me the Admiral of the asshole Armada. I am the
one, the only, the really stressed out r e Car otherwise known as
Rachel, otherwise known as she who just had her DMS notes eaten by a
cat right before the recording started, So there is no proof, just my
stressed out voice when I am not herding cats. Both of the literal and
figurative variety. I write urban fantasy, including the False Icon series, the
Rules on Dying series, and a brand new Accidental Summinar series available from Falstaff
Books. King You can find me at Total Recar, on pretty much every
social media that matters, and on my website www dot rachel Ecar dot com.
When last we left our intrepid adventurers say it with me now, everything,
which means everything was a cacophony of chaos where half the party is French
and the other half is singing, me me, Me, Me me.
Yeah, they're either French or singing. This is not it is just do
your dials. This is actually what's happening. Speaking of what's actually happening,
Um, well, y'all found the note. But before we deal with that,
there is a very important matter of business, as a slip of looks
like court documents has fallen majestically right in front of the French duo. Oh
us, I see a piece of Papa. What does it say? I
do not like to lead things. It says who is going to read it?
Let's say whoever picks it up because it is income, give it to
the baby. The note basically says you may choose to interpret it. The
ongoing paternity suit against Fandango the Fantastical has entered its thirty second session. The
entire Gnomish Bikini team has been brought in for the prosecution. Because of this,
and because of some sort of ancient turtle demon that takes thirty minutes to
say each individual word, it is supposed that Polly's deposition has been moved back
to the heat Death of the universe, but as soon as she's available,
she will be returned to you. Okay, so it says that has eaten
and we shall maybe again just if. There's also a note on the back.
What does it? It's a postcard? What does um? It is
a It is a postcard from uh the swamp lands of the North Highlands,
where Tim is currently taking Tim the Ogre is currently taking Elizabeth on a much
needed platonic holiday where he will ask for consent for anything, and Elizabeth is
getting laid. That's all we need to know. Who and getting laid,
That's all we need to know. At this point. Polly will reach future
Kitty by the time this trial is over, and perhaps dates perhaps it shall
be future Ky that pops out the dungeon instruction. Yeah, because future Kitty
does look exactly like the cat who I didn't know I was going to have,
But maybe it was. Indeed, future kitty that has part of the
dungeon match has come into your plan. Maybe speaking of fucking up plans,
plotty of barely bober the musical, it's your third. First of all,
I would like to know what is my punishment if I do not sing?
You are physically incapable of not singing. Thus, if somehow it happened,
the dungeon mistress might have to enact horrible tortures upon you. You could wrap
No not, okay, Claudia would like I should have mentioned that Malibu is
running by with a piece of paper in her hand, heading towards a puddle
of magical boot. Yes, yes, I was, I am, I
am, I'm doing that. Finish the lyric, stop in the name before
we get demonetized. Think it all over. Oh please, surely that's surely
that's in the public domain by now. Sadly now I know, Um,
Claudia will chase Malibu. Where are you going? Um? I think I
was going to singing. I am singing. I was going to dip the
note in the magical beer. Wasn't I wasn't I? I think that's what
I was doing. I don't remember why, but that's what I was doing.
So please know that the entire party is exceptionally inebriated at this point,
except for Claudia, who seems to be immune to all things alcoholic. Shit.
What a time to be alive. Hey, I'm out of the bubble.
Nothing else matters, Um, Claudia will follow Malibou anything else? This
turn musical duo? Oh was that my turn? Um? That would still
be Claudia's ters. Okay, Claudia is finished. We are back to the
French side of the equation. Gigi, maybe you had a court official court
documents appeared out of the ether and dropped in front of you. You let
your child read it. There are still people singing down there. Malabu has
run off with the only clue that you have disc well that your small one
has discovered in the room. What do you do? You are surrounded by
a lot of steins full of magical beer, magical hops, and herringbone floor.
You haven't been given the the mystical cryptical note that said that the way
forward is obscured, basically from the squares. I am going to peek up
some houps, some of the hups. Not oh, the hops, not
the cops, No, the hops. Hops. Do you wear gloves always?
I am an eco metta. I am used to dealing with decaying bod
These gloves U necessity. I will give you the logical explanation of that,
that that is reasonable. I am a lady. Yes, I would pick
up them magical, the magical hops am I am going to bap them on
the floor and see if anything happen. You're basically opening the pa and see
what happens. Yes, as yeah, right, yeah. They don't explode,
but they do crackle a little and bounce very sinisterly. I think these
hops are magical. They're glowing. We are in anything. That does mean
nothing. If you find a good enough highlightter for your cheeks, you glow
too. You're also bright red. That doesn't stop the power of the highlighter.
Do you not discriminate on skin color? There the popping highlights around my
cheeks. I am glowing from within. I think that might be necromancy.
I am glowing from within. You may call it necromancy if you wish tomato
tomato. I'll call it necromancy last me. Yes, when you glow with
from with you as well, my beloved coton, you are also glowing from
within. I think that's gas. Yes, possible. The composition is messy.
Are you doing anything else besides growing on the floor? No, what
I've done? Okay, mallaboo, it's time for you back to the singing
brigade. I love that you rhymed um. I was going I was going
to dip my letter, my note in a puddle to make something magical happen.
And I don't remember what, but that's I know that's what I was
going to do, and so I dip it. Are you going into the
room with the train? Yes? Sure, moment of remember that the floor
is coated in magical booze. What do you do? You have nothing to
lose, it's magical booze. How high off the floor is the barrel?
These barrels, there are three of them. They're sitting on the floor,
and if you look up there are six more. That's is the longest ass
lebrenny I've ever heard in my life. Was the hell of a lot of
him for dumping exposition exposition. I'm singing exposition. It's only five paragraphs away.
Oh mine, I need a tissue. Um. You keep asking about
the surrounding, but you don't interact. I'm going mental. It's just do
something. I don't care what. I can't keep singing, I can't keep
dreaming. I keep humping. You just don't go where the cat ate the
map? I hope I'm not going there. But if if I climb on
the back of the barrel, can I reach down into the puddle? That
depends how limber you are for remembering that, even though you're a star,
you must bend over a whole keg, a tapping warcraft worthy keg. But
since you're not a dwarf, I think you can make it work. Just
row me athletics, or drop the damn note. That is an option,
graceful. You know what you're doing looks like if I do it with my
toad. No, drop the note? Did you a puddle? What could
happen? What could it be? What would the great exact? Let's see,
Oh my goodness, the note lands in a puddle and gets wet.
Gasp, nothing happened, Claudia, nothing happened. What do I do?
The ink is Runnie, the ink is running. I'll take it back out
and shake it. Ah, but are you wearing gloves? Oh shit,
I don't think I am, so roll a constitution, save a constitution,
save. Hopefully you won't end up in an early grave. Hor a bubble
again? Oh fuck a duck. Wasn't she turning into cotton candy? You?
You are more drum time ago I thought you were turning back in that
land anymore? Roll a D one hundred. Let's see what happens more.
It's twenty three. Crown of roses erupts from your head, the hair of
flowers, for Fox's sake, and you're still singing everywhere. I was going
to do aria about them being the color of my hair, but I knocked
my headphones off, so that went out. I have beautiful roses on my
head, and no, you are not dead and I'm not dead, So
I'm I'm shaking the note so that it will dry off. All of the
text has run, even if you put it in the sun. Hopefully someone
remembered what it said, because that message is dead. I remember, Oh,
Cory, anything else you want to do? No, she is through
back to the French. What do you have stared upon the slightly bouncy,
slightly crackily sparkly hops do you do anything else? Um? You are in
a kitchen surrounded by lots of things, high power burners, a lot of
mash bubbling away, a bunch of tankards on a table that look like of
completed liquid as opposed to all the works in progress that are in the kitchen.
Okay, Um, not not in character? But was there a door
over on the right hand side of that room. Yeah, it's hard to
see because of the top. Down right by the empty burner, there is
a slide one of the sliding doors. So there's the sort of prison style
door on the top that looks almost like a bank vault. That's where you
think people went off to. And then so there is a sliding door by
the um the burner that's on you. Okay, on the side. I'm
coming over here to open the sliding door and see what mystery is behind it.
It's locked. It doesn't like you're very strong. Could you come assist
me with this door? Please? Yeah? May we ma jailed? Nidy
thinks yeah, I will be there in a proximately six seconds. Claudia barred
leap power. We're back to the singing Tower, Malibu. Where are you?
I'm over here on the barrel when you're a janior A Jane all the
way cat to your last day in day. Well take the note, try
to read it anyway. It's very smudged, so try a perception check at
disadvantage. You know there were words like square and way and baby potato.
You're not quite sure it's really smudged. Potato. You say potato, I
say potato. I says tomato. I say tomato, potato, potato,
tomato, tomato. Let's move this turn along. Claudia will do a soft
shoe, and now I wish I had tas just note that the floor is
herring bone, not square. Ear. Claudia will do a soft shoe backwards
out of the room. And in this room the square you don't see door.
I need a door and some squares. There is a door beside you
to the left. When you're looking top down, Claudia will try the door.
It is locked. Go figure, can she try to open it anyway?
There is some gills that ropes have when they meet doors that won't budge.
Roll it, now, roll it, now, get your side of
hand and roll it now. Cookeett cluckety clucket. Cookeety clocketty clickety clack.
There's a lot of noise, there is a little sizzle, there is a
little crack. Take O D four damage because that damn lightning's back. Shit.
Oh no, little static shock one is the loneliest damage that a die
can do. Thank goodness. I'm running out of songs to sing. But
we will see this through. Oh dear, Please tell me your turn is
done. Please tell me the shab one. Geegee, we're back to you.
A gee, I you are next to a bunch of filled Nope,
you're not, I said in six seconds, hour and go help with the
door. Okay, what what you are? What is this door made of?
What kind of netial it appears to be like you think it was paper?
Okay, I'm going to cast burning hands on the door. You know
what I'm done the scrape warnings At this point, I put my hands onto
stupid and I'm burning hands. So the door needs to try and dodge question
mark. I'm not sure the destition I'm the door. The door does not
budge, the paper has ignited, revealing the steel plate behind it. However,
what happens when alcohol fumes are met with an open source of blame.
Didn't we do this a few games ago? Guys, I got clipt On
out of it. You sound like you sound like you expect us to learn
from our mistakes. Intelligence is my highest stats, but I will not use
it. There is a difference between intelligence and wisdom. Yeah, specacily,
time to bring them out again. Come on, little guys, Oh,
come on, silly game. No, it's everyone's favorite from the very first
episode of Glamity James. It's mister fire Pikachu, not actually Pikachu. Please
don't do us, Nintendo. Um, yes, a certain amount of alcohol.
Would you please roll damage for the actually first roll a Dexterity save?
Oh me okay? And and Ella, would you roll a Dexterity save as
well? Okay? I have to look up the damage on Burning Hands.
Oops. I click? Oh I did kick thirteen? Burning Hands is three
D six. It's deck save, right, What what is your fifteen?
It's fifteen? Oh hold on, you are right next to it. I'm
trying to find my stuff. And if you let's just have a oh oh
boy, would you like to roll the three D six damage? Please?
Gig for you and Ella, but I will only take half because I am
fire ilsistin Yes, you only take half, but you're a small companion on
the I am a I am barbecue child. I will, I will.
I will actually do the damage in half for the eight year old because she
is a smaller target. Uh, and because I don't fancy killing you all
yet before I get more singing, I mean, we're doing a good job
of it by ourselves. You're doing a great job. I'm gonna say so
us six points of damage to both of you as and there is now mister
flame in the room starting on the very wooden floor with a lot of flamm
Do you know how flammable flower is? And grain? Maybe if we blow
as we sing up, they can't complete the ritual. I see no problem.
That's true. That's true. I will say it is a Modern problems
require modern solutions. They do stupid problems to require stupid solutions. I am
here with a stupid solution. By the way, everybody in there, here's
the fiery explosion. If it wasn't clear, even over the power of fall,
what did you expect when you bring an end fan melon? We must
have filed at all times. Yes, yes, the flinch will client.
It's definitely to learning my child. My child learns so free feet plumba.
I am the I am the Elmo on fire. Okay, I'm gonna end
my turn now before I cause any more harm. Yeah yeah, yeah.
Think you should quit while you're behind Wait until next turn, Malibu, It's
time for you. You've heard the fiery boom. I am feeling very graceful,
very dextrous, and I'm going to attempt to leap from my barrel to
the hallway, sending showers of rose petals on your way. Yes see where
am I? Okay? There? I am am? I should I roll
of athletics or should I roll uh something else? Athletics? Athletics? You
can roll athletics. It's only a roll away, all right, we go,
cross your fingers, owl, you slide on into the hot two roll
me hot D twenty. Hope you're one. I don't want to Actually it's
a D eight because of which way you go, so good luck. One,
two, three, four, five six means you go backwards. You
know by now what the D twenty is. For give me that constitution save
and hope you don't end up singing more. How can you sing more?
You're drunker? You're drunker, oh boy, or drunker? Roll that D
one hundred and see what's in store. Oh boy, let me know how
many languages you have on your sheet? Malapo, Sorry, everything is slow
right now. I understand. That's why I was asking you would finally loaded
one, two, three four, roll a D four. Pray it's not
too you know it's going to be Duley noted, DULEI noted, rolla D
four again, it's too still bad because I got Duley noted, there is
no effect that you know of now, Oh boy. In that case,
I will get to my feet and shuffle out of the room into the out
of the door because your turn is no more. Getting up from prone requires
all your move but you're out of the puddle. Paul is not lost there.
Oh, be very grateful. It wasn't tattoo. Very grateful, very
grateful. And now I'm done. We're back to the French can speak again.
So Ella, you're on fire? What do you do? Only like
Alita bit? Oh yeah, yeah, the fire went mostly over your head,
but your hair has been sing No, I want a full skywalker like
that's impossible at this point. Worth every penny. All right, let's see
you've definitely seen that there is some sort of steely metal underneath the paper coating.
Yeah, you are on fire. Make a perception check at disadvantage because
you're on fire, not that it really matters for you. This girl is
um sorry you're not singing. You're friend. Drink some more. It might
change. God, I hope no one has to sing in French. Come
on, you can do this. No, I can sing in Japanese.
I know like three French songs. As we all have the enjoy waiting for
this to be. It didn't even matter. Now you don't notice anything except
you're on fire. There said, you're in a room blows or metal underneath
the squares of paper, and I will pull out a bottle of tankards on
a table of finished liquid in a kitchen where they seem to be making it.
No, no, no, I will pull out my water skin and
dump it down my hail to put that a fire. Okay, that will
stop any further burned damage. Yea. Also there is still the fire in
the room, but I am now wet, so it will take longer to
get to me. So it's also behind the infernal which is you know,
if you're gonna be anywhere in the room, be behind the inn. And
she is much larger than me because I am eighth. Maybe now I am
wet, and I am very unhappy about being wet. But I remember that
there was a note, and that note is not in the room where I
am wet. No is it in the room with fire. So perhaps I
shall go and see if I can find about what, if anything, Misty
has done with the note. So Misty, I assume you mean malice.
I was looking at camera and saw familiar face, used wrong name. Okay,
so I'm coming. You see the dreadfully musical Claudia looking at a door
and sit by the way. Just say you know, Claudia, it doesn't
smell like beer for a second with those owes, So you do at least
get one second that you don't have to sing. You used it up,
Oh God, damn it, Claudia, baron, leave how man, it
is your turn. You now have a singed ella next to you and a
lock that zaps like the other one. Claudia points to the door and goes
it's electric. But she's also frustrated, so she will knock, knock,
knock, on this goddamn door. Knock knock, knocking on this goddamn door.
Why are you so suddenly? How you say musical? Think that as
a compliment, we chime in with having you people ever heard of Claudia?
Would like to try to pick the lock again? Roll slide of hand.
You know from this perfect roll almost that the lock is definitely undone, But
the door does not want to move because you're about to get snapped again.
Roll D four take damage once more dose, But for a second it smells
of izone. You cannot smell beer. You don't have to sing for a
turn. Never fear, and we're back to the French. By the way,
is on fire next to you, Yes, the small one has run
off. You're still in a kitchen with a bunch of magical hobs, a
slowly spreading fire, some half finished brew, some high powered burners that have
explosive fuel sources, and a table with some finished bruce especiously in the middle
of a kitchen where it's normally cooked. So what do you do? I
have this totally under control, so no one was about a semi. I
am going to guess a wall of water which is a thirty foot long non
explosive spell, which is a thirty foot long foot one foot of sik wall
of what we all have water bleazing, don't panic, that is true,
okay, okay, let's just bring up the friends. They're coming. We
all know the these guys too, um and that that will hang out for
the next ten minutes. There's water for the other door. But I is
out. Get fucked. Oh my god, didn't destroy things? Get fucked
fat? Actually you said it's thirty thirty threes. Can you control the whip
of it? You can't control the fasific I can you can. You can
decide what it looks like. Hold on, love me, Okay, I'm
gonna do you stop before it gets to the hops or are you just gonna
flood everything? I'm flooding everything? Fuck the shitty beer. The tar wall
is out water just so, would you roll a D one hundred for me?
No, but okay, just roll a D one hundred for me,
please, just for you to spot, just for me, Thank you.
Five. Oh that's not a very good all out of it. Okay,
No, just just don't don't mind. No, I have everything totally under
control. Yes, this is just like college. Yeah, I'll just put
that right there. Don't mind that I will I will not, I will
not find, but make a perception check just to see how much you don't
mind. I'm saying it's been a bit, it's been a bit stressful.
I'd like to know what you're you know you have it? Yeah? Would
that be a natural? Natural? I care? What is that weird shit
in my water? You know what happens when you steep certain botanical ingredients in
water? What happens you make tea? Yeah, you make tea. What
happens when you steak certain volatile, magical botanical ingredients in magical water sailed potions?
I don't know, Okay, just saying you notice that there is a
definite reaction now happening where the hops were, and it's meeting that very large
volume of liquid cascinating. Am I am going to observe it from a distinct
now disteats of m beside beside my baby. Yeah, yeah, sounds like
watch from my baby's side and say, look, child, there is some
weird shit happening. I mean, there has been weird shit happening all the
time. I mean, why is this new? But it seemed like it
is like the water is drunk. Well, hell, who isn't? Yeah,
it is exactly like the water is drunk. Very observant, Thank you,
I'll tie. Does does Ella notice? Well, she's told you so
you will get advantage in a perception check. Okay, let's see how terribly
are you? Do you believe? Yes, but I do not believe in
holy bleep? Yeah even advantage. Yeah. No, I'm gonna say,
because you rolled a natural one. I mean, like, you know,
you are completely oblivious. There is absolutely nothing. She is crazy. Okay,
that is true. I am crazy. Water is drunk, but at
least the room is no longer on fire. Let's just look at the positive.
Yes, so well that I don't even know that I've noticed that with
that role. So are you done? Yes, I have made the water
drunk and put that on the fires. So I think I've done all of
the damage. I can do this then, Yes, magic of the through
the power of song, we've turned to Malibu, a Malibu. What do
you do? There was an explosion and now there's a sound of a flood.
Is the water moving this way? From the angle of where you are?
You really can't see, however, your party has been on fire.
I don't mean to say it's dire, but your role gives a lot out
of herself in the doors, Claudia, Claudia, she knows what she's doing
better than me. Anyway, I am going to Oops, we're not going.
I'm going to move the whole room apparently, don't forget to take your
damage, Gigi. All right, Yes, I am going to join my
companions in the hallway and find out what is what because my try with the
message didn't work. So, hello, dear companions, I have joined you.
What's happening? Oh? Shit is the same? Bullshit? Why is
everybody singing? I don't know, I don't know. But do you like
my new hair? It's a crown made of roses, and it's growing in
my head, which really doesn't should surprise anyone that I have roots in my
brain. That makes you happy? Is be devoted? It sufficient no better
than being in a bubble if you say so, Oh, it must have
been a trap. Really mind it just suddenly you know, we tried to
open a door. There was five then, yeah, we didn't be an
easy wrong. I don't know what happened. Where is the water in thea
um that was also an accident. I don't know what happened, it's not
my thought. And and then then the clartier is um sparking herself on the
door. I guess I don't know. I watched it happen, and she
seems to enjoy it. She's starting to get really calm. We did not
kink, shame? Yeah? Can you can you use the water to wash
out the beer? I can certainly cry? And about six seconds m I
have to wait, m h. But if if we boil the water away,
then we inhale the steam which shot boxes us. That does not see
like a good idea. And this is coming from me. But have we
not found that the smell of the beer makes us continue? Well, at
least some of us continue to sing, some of us who would like to
stop singing, if it's at all possible. That's what you all makes you
sing? Yes, oh hey, if you don't want to smell beer,
I could rot next to you. That is tlue whose gouton? I could
try. If you give me some beans or surrouanted food, I could really
let one rip and save your latti as that's hillhoake of you am. I
don't know what to ask for what guys, war is there a wall of
water by Berry's office? Whose bet we don't know anything about that. That's
just a good idea. I will close it, just closing. But before
if the doors closed, we did nothing wrong. The fine, it's fine,
it's fine, it's fine, He's fine. Don't you look? Everything
is fine. We always says everything everything. So it's the official plant closing
door. We're just gonna leave the dungeon like it never happened for him for
the moment. Yes, I see nothing wrong with the baby is wise.
We are we are collecting. I'm willing to show that we can deal with
the later. The only wise baby, I think. I think that is
the most epic plan to end a session on. We're just not here.
You're just gonna nope on out of That does not mean before before we before
we close the door. Can Claudia sprint in there and get a handful of
water or like a scoop water of that water if you want, Yeah,
you're a rogue, you're fast. You just have to What is anyone gonna
stop you? She wants to throw it on the electrified door. Oh no,
I want to see what this goes. Okay, stand by the door.
Okay, okay, that's all right. Okay, So she's gonna go
shoop up here grab some water? Did you grab the water? Can I
have a constitution save? Okay? Put by for the first time, you
start to feel intoxicated, Claudia. You also can now smell beer. You
can also smell beer again. Just sorry you have to sing an it?
Please roll a D one hundred fifty nine. All of the sudden you sprout
a second set. You now have fox ears and a tail. Incredible.
Does you look like a kitsune in training with now too? That's worth it.
Please roll a deck safe to see if you drip any of this water
on anyone else, notably the very small elatasa in your way. Oh shit,
you do Hella. Please roll a constitution safe. Somebody will die today,
so yet somebody else? No sweet, Please roll your D one hundred
and see how you suffer if I have to sing somebody? Wait? Wait?
Wait? Did I actually get any water on the door? Hold on,
we're getting there. All of a sudden, every bit of liquid burst
into rainbow sparkles, like full on confetti sparkles. It makes me think of
Polly. You It's like Polly is with you in spirit. You even can
hear a little bit of country music as they You're going to throw liquid on
an electrical trap? Yes, oh boy, please please just it is truly
not disarming. No, I'm disarming it. Please roll an intelligence check,
just check. Okay, yeah, just just rolled intelligence check twenty one.
You are smart enough to know that that electricity, when it hits, particularly
a liquid that has impurities in it, will travel very fast and be very
dangerous and couldn't cause cardiac arress because intelligence and wisdom aren't the same anyway,
anyway, you're gonna do it anyway, Okay, I have dumb way roll
the water on the magical water on the magical electricity, electricity, electricity.
All of you witness a tremendous surge of electricity shoot from the door, traveling
up and down. Claudia Baron Liebhaven, who drops the floor? Final words
are I did it? Tune in next week to find out what happens on
your exciting calamity. Janesluton, you have a sees down. Well I think
we should. Yeah, let's says a stick A moment's pause. Breathe.
We don't have to sing anymore, thank goodness. Yeah, thank you for
your Definitely stay tuned to next week to see how we get out of certain
death by cardiac arrest. Okay, yeah, that's a thing and it is
up and we probably shouldn't end on that, should we, Ladies, Misty
got any, got any questions? Or Xanax have so many questions? You
know? Why is water wet? What is forty two? Oh? Oh,
you mean questions from our fans? Oh? Actually, actually yes,
I do have questions from our fans. Uh. Now this week they come
from they are coming from the Discord. And if you're sitting at home listening
to this podcast, going discord, what do you mean discord? You two
can be one of the cool kids on the Discord. All you have to
do is go to Authors and Dragons dot com and click on the Patreon link
and join up, and then you two can be on the discord and send
awesome questions to us. For example, Kyle the goof says, what is
a D and D class? You do not want to play as? No
paler badens for me? Actually yeah, paladins will be a paladin. I'm
not. I feel like Silas and the people I've seen as paladins I've committed
to the role so much, I feel like I would fall short and I
just don't have that drive or commitment. I'm yeah, Paladin. Yeah,
Paladins and clerics are probably two that I don't think that I would just do
very well with m because there's a lot of shit to remember, like behaving
myself. I'm that way about Magic Users. I don't like playing Magic users.
I like clerics okay, but Magic Users always just seemed a little too
complicated. So, um, I would pretty much play any class anytime.
I like them all. Um, Yeah, there's not I can't think of
one that I wouldn't really want to play or that I wouldn't probably find a
way to enjoy im. You know, you can make them funky. And
I really like to do a multi classic, so you know, like a
rogue and a warlock. Um, the roguelock class is very fun. Um
yeah, pretty much any class I would I would probably play and like pretty
well. I think, Um, I've played a lot. I just stuck
on the whole. Paladin committed to a fertility. I'm thinking, like,
like an intense pro lifer, you will shag and I will make you shag.
We needed up for the last campaign with the pork the Paladin save the
part right, Yeah, I mean like paladins and clerics are just super devoted
to one cause. So paladin devoted to like a fertility god. Thing is
not It's not impossible, and they're high on charisma, so you know,
pick up with your local ballot. I think it will come to no surprise
that I don't tend to play magic users. I am not trusted. No
no classic can get a fireball am I ever allowed to have? I mean
I play a lot of barbarians and fighters. I think though, the only
class I really don't play is rogue because it's like I'm just too much of
a Pollyanna. You might not think about it watching this game, as I
have just allowed a player to electrocute herself and I made everybody sing. See,
Rugue is my is my dream class. If I get to pick,
I'll play rogue every single time. I love drugs too. I play barbarian
a lot. I don't know why. I just I like to run at
things and go ray, and we very much like for you to get to
do that too. So one thing I really like is to put things together
that don't make sense. So like a bard Barian. A bard barian.
Oh god, that's like a Viking skull and they're super fun. That's cool,
dear lord, that actually sounds fun. I played a rug illusion that's
one for a long time and that was Oh that was great combination. I
used to play role master more than Dungeons and Dragons, and I don't know
if anyone's ever heard of it. It's also sometimes called rule master. It's
very, very in depth. And I played a cleric that was turned into
a palavin by sheer fanaticism, and that was or was a healer. Sorry,
one't eve with a cleric. I was a healer, like that was
my job. I literally heal people. That's the sweetest thing. And I
was turned into a bloodthirsty rage monster monster by the campaign and it was perfectly
valid. So just imagine sweet little r e car destroying whole realms with wow,
wow, sure rage. I would probably I would probably play either a
palette or cleric. I just don't think i'd be very good at it.
That's the problem. Oh, Now, I feel like there's a challenge to
be accepted. A challenge should be refused. See I know, m I
know, she plays a wicked good. Uh, a wicked good cleric.
I'm usually a cleric, yeah, usually running after healing my ass. Yeah,
because I'm the one running out front, going or playing the the The
barbarian with raid like who's been in anger management class is nice. I only
ever played one barbarian and she got bitten by one of the other party members
who was aware Bat. She got bitten when he was in bat form,
so she changed her name to Bat Killer and and committed herself to finally finding
a way to kill him. At some point, it was it was entertaining,
so showed up as you can all see. Oh good, that was
too not you can come say hi to everybody. She is not the kittie
who ate the dungeon. Just to clarify, she is innocent and beyond reproach.
I have to say that because insulting Empress Tsunami is bad. Well,
her lawyer back, Well, we do have more questions. Zach of all
Trades asked if you knew that you were going to get Issachaide into a fantasy
world? Does everybody know what that means? It means, Yeah, it
means zapped from the real world into a fantasy world. Okay, Um,
you're going to be isakaid into a fantasy world with only the gear that you
have on you, but you have a year to prepare and pack. What
do you bring in with you? My cat us are our characters us?
Right? Yes? I guess Yeah, like all the wiki stuff about anything?
Yeah, laminated, uh, super carefully put together, organized very nicely.
That like the most protected binder you could ever possibly find. Yeah.
I would I immediately, like obsessively commit everything to memory, and just like
what happened when I went to take a test in high school, I'd show
up and my memory would go whosh, and then I sit there and panic
because I was thinking pop tart. I like it. I like it.
I would plan really well in advance and then forget about it a week before
and get eated with nothing. Yeah, I'd probably try to do something clever
like get like a solar charger and some device that I could just download crap
into and you know, have it small and portable and then recharge it.
And then I would do something dumb like break the corrid or whatever. Yeah,
crack the screen, you know that kind of thing. Yeah, you
eat it. I'd like do all the first aid kit medicine stuff, and
then you know, get there and forget how to use thing. Yeah,
but at least for a minute, your kindle would work and you could read.
Yeah, Yeah, yeah, I would be very happy up until the
point where the dragon ate me. I'd probably just take an old Nokia fode
with me because it is the most indestructible thing on the planet, and I
would barter it for my freedom, and it would be a weapon. I'm
a pacifist. What am I gonna do with it? Though? You could
train a year's training, but it still won't give me the will to hurt
anybody. Yeah, I fear we should just all pack up and take Joe
Brassey with us. That's how we'd survive. Put him in our back back
for real, you know. I mean I already have a wear amount of
apocalypse survival skills, Like I can cook, and I can knit, and
I can crochet, and I can sew and I can do all that kind
of crap. So you know, like some of the survival stuff I'd be
okay with um, but the rest of it, i'd really have a problem.
Yeah, I'd probably go full Loki the first time. I would like,
find the most powerful person ingratiate myself to be like please just yeah,
I will be your bitch. I'm cute basically, Yeah, that would be
a good survival tactic, honestly. So one thing I think would be really
funny is to find like the king or emperor of this magic world we've been
esak eyed into and to teach them horrible modern slash ancient slang, so yolo
and yeat and all of that stuff, just because it really funny. You
know, if you imagine Palpatine just like I'm gonna yeat you, like in
the middle of a dramatic scene, it would be great you die. It
would be worth it. The curse of Yolo, I know, bring like
yeah magic decks with me and then teach these fantasy people how to play magic,
and then they will never have time to do anything else. They'll just
sit in Mike DEXs all day. It'll be fine. It'll be fine.
Yes, took everyone on magic dice. Yeah, and like keep some keep
some packs and just dangle them. Is as bait, like if you leave
me alone, I'll give you a new heck. That would be funny.
I stand you. Princess Hijiing, okay, which was not exactly the question,
but no, probably really was. Yeah, Tomato, let's oh god,
oh god, now we're gonna have to have the the Gigi cosmetic line,
only there's a dragons con. Maybe she's born with it. Maybe it's
necromaking. Oh well. One last question, um eron, and this one's
easy. Aaron Piggy wants to know, would you rather be covered in fur
um, built in blanket or covered in scales built in plus two armor?
Well, I mean that depends on the context, because yeah, if if
we're doing that, then definitely the scales um. But like if I'm living
down here in North Carolina, yeah, because it's already I live in the
frozen North. I think we know what I'm picking well for like what nine
months out of the year, But I think most of them I'm taking the
fur m but furs like soft and luxurious, and I'm sure I could find
some kinky evil warlord who That's how I would survive being Easichide is my first
fair wouldn't shave my legs. It's about the same. Yeah, I was
gonna say, I'm still kind of um quarantine sea. Yeah, my kids
are like, how many stuffed animals did you slaughter to make that shirt.
Mom, how many did you, Hella, Emily? How many? Their
heads are like mounted over my face? Now, now be real, Emily
is it? Oh? Oh my god? See now their heads are just
their ears? Right is wearing like three pairs of ears at this point she
has so many ears? Right, actually has four sets of ears. Now,
Oh my god. Yeah, wow, the ear collector terrifying, Missy.
I want that furry thing, whatever it is, it's gorgeous. It's
it's a sheep skin. It's a sheepskin. Yeah, it's kind of it's
kind of blankety. I mean it's a big piece of sheepskin. See so
my son got it free gothic blood borne sheep. Yeah, you know,
as you do. But you know, I can't talk about sheep either,
you know, because they're too much like goats. And yeah, no,
there used to be a we don't talk about the goat, but there used
to be a sheepskin shop at the Renaissance Fair. And um, I have
one of their hats, and I pair their slippers and two of their boas
and this was my son got me this one year. But that's the thing.
This. I keep this on my computer chair because I get cold,
and so even in the summer, I get cold. So that's why I
would be fur I think i'd have to be Scales. Okay, any other
like deep fact finding questions that we need to answer, you know what,
I think we're good. We've got enough damage. Yeah, yes, how
many people? Here's the real question. How many of the party will be
singing next time? On the calamity James? Please not me? Nice harmony.
Altogen Dragons brought to you under a Creative Commons license, meaning you were
free to share this material so long as credit is given to those who created
it, which is us. People you just heard to play the game opening
and closing themes performed by the Gore core form. When you're a genior A
Jane all the Way,