WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.680 --> 00:00:04.160 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty, the 2 00:00:04.200 --> 00:00:09.439 Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app k I AM six forty. 3 00:00:09.480 --> 00:00:12.000 You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls 4 00:00:12.039 --> 00:00:15.599 Show. I would like to welcome my Instagram followers who are on my live 5 00:00:15.720 --> 00:00:19.839 right now with me. If you'd like to get a visual on our studio, 6 00:00:19.879 --> 00:00:23.679 you're welcome to come on to my Instagram. The handle is at doctor 7 00:00:23.839 --> 00:00:27.640 Wendy Walsh. Afterwards, I'll be taking your calls. I'm going to throw 8 00:00:27.640 --> 00:00:30.280 the phone number out now, but it'll be at the end of the segment 9 00:00:30.320 --> 00:00:33.119 that producer Kayla's going to run into the room and start to screen your calls. 10 00:00:33.439 --> 00:00:38.320 The numbers one eight hundred five two zero one KFI. That's one eight 11 00:00:38.439 --> 00:00:44.079 hundred five two zero one five three four okay. Back in nineteen seventy nine, 12 00:00:44.600 --> 00:00:49.880 an experimental psychologist and a professor at a university coined a term in her 13 00:00:49.880 --> 00:00:54.600 book Love and Limmerence the experience of being in love, and the term is 14 00:00:55.240 --> 00:01:03.240 limerence, and she says limerence is an in ten longing for somebody, but 15 00:01:03.359 --> 00:01:07.959 the key is an intense longing for somebody that is not reciprocated, right, 16 00:01:08.120 --> 00:01:15.959 unrequited love. It's more than a crush. Somebody in limerens may neglect their 17 00:01:15.000 --> 00:01:21.560 social life, their work, or other responsibilities. It's almost like an obsession. 18 00:01:22.439 --> 00:01:26.480 Think stalker, right, But there are plenty of us, regular humans 19 00:01:26.680 --> 00:01:32.840 who fall into limerens, not just with celebrities, but might be coworkers, 20 00:01:33.079 --> 00:01:38.200 might be friends, might be somebody who had one date with For those on 21 00:01:38.319 --> 00:01:41.359 instagram saying the phone number can't be reached because we haven't opened the lines yet, 22 00:01:41.359 --> 00:01:42.599 We're going to open them in a few minutes. After that, I 23 00:01:42.599 --> 00:01:49.799 talk about limerens. What really differentiates limerns from just a crush or even an 24 00:01:49.879 --> 00:01:57.280 intense feeling of love. Besides that it's unrequited, is the roller coaster of 25 00:01:57.359 --> 00:02:00.560 emotions that it creates. Now I'm going to share something with you. I 26 00:02:00.599 --> 00:02:04.560 had a ten year on and off relationship with a playboy, a bad boy, 27 00:02:04.840 --> 00:02:09.319 an avoidant who when I read about limerens, I realize that this is 28 00:02:09.360 --> 00:02:15.800 what I suffered from. Any little bit of goodness from him, or any 29 00:02:15.879 --> 00:02:21.479 positive anything, a phone call, a text, whatever, would have me 30 00:02:21.719 --> 00:02:27.560 walking on air for days. I would be so happy and then anything negative 31 00:02:28.000 --> 00:02:31.240 canceling on me, not returning my calls or text and I would be in 32 00:02:31.280 --> 00:02:38.439 the depths of despair. So any sign of rejection causes a low, any 33 00:02:38.439 --> 00:02:44.240 sign of interest causes a high, and then you get addicted to this emotional 34 00:02:44.400 --> 00:02:53.639 roller coaster. People who experience limerens tend to really fear rejection. They allow 35 00:02:53.719 --> 00:02:59.400 their self esteem to be in the hands of somebody else. Literally, I 36 00:02:59.560 --> 00:03:02.520 liked my self more if he liked me. I liked myself less if he 37 00:03:02.560 --> 00:03:07.400 didn't like me. It was a painful, painful place to be in. 38 00:03:07.159 --> 00:03:13.159 And often the object of someone's limeerates doesn't even know you exist. Could be 39 00:03:13.199 --> 00:03:19.240 a friend, colleague, stranger. It's most often, though, somebody you've 40 00:03:19.240 --> 00:03:23.280 had a brief romantic encounter with and then they just disappear or it didn't work 41 00:03:23.319 --> 00:03:28.199 out right. The people who ghost you after just one or two dates. 42 00:03:29.000 --> 00:03:32.599 So here here are the actual signs, like the symptoms, the real symptoms 43 00:03:32.599 --> 00:03:38.280 of true limerens. Consistent and intrusive thoughts about that person. You're obsessed with 44 00:03:39.919 --> 00:03:46.800 idealization, the thought that this person is perfect, absolutely perfect, they can 45 00:03:46.840 --> 00:03:53.240 do no wrong in your eyes, constantly being reminded of them, people, 46 00:03:53.280 --> 00:03:57.960 places, objects, situations. Always your brain is trying to find a reminder, 47 00:03:58.039 --> 00:04:02.840 a connection to this person. You have limerens with fluctuations of mood based 48 00:04:02.879 --> 00:04:09.879 on how they respond or don't respond overwhelming emotions, as I've said, feelings 49 00:04:09.919 --> 00:04:14.039 of euphoria, feelings of distress, and then when you're with them, I 50 00:04:14.080 --> 00:04:17.439 have to tell you this being awkward, shy, or weird. Honestly, 51 00:04:17.920 --> 00:04:23.439 when I would be in this guy's glow and or I couldn't talk well, 52 00:04:23.879 --> 00:04:27.639 I would say the dumbest things. I would make mistakes because I was so 53 00:04:27.879 --> 00:04:30.879 nervous about him liking me. And then, of course the other thing, 54 00:04:31.160 --> 00:04:38.279 spending numerous amount of time grooming or beautifying yourself. I happened to because I 55 00:04:38.319 --> 00:04:40.519 was in a hurry. Today, use a flat arm on my hair to 56 00:04:40.560 --> 00:04:44.839 make it straight. But I have very curly hair and during and I wear 57 00:04:44.920 --> 00:04:48.319 curly hair a lot too during those years. He once said to me, 58 00:04:48.879 --> 00:04:51.879 I don't like your hair curly, and then I wouldn't wear it curly for 59 00:04:51.920 --> 00:04:56.639 like years because what if I run into him? Right, that's limerence. 60 00:04:57.600 --> 00:05:04.120 What makes it worse is when the person has complete, unrequited feelings or worse 61 00:05:04.600 --> 00:05:09.000 bread crumbs. You right, you know what we do, Okay, it's 62 00:05:09.000 --> 00:05:13.199 a very common human thing. If there's somebody in our life, you know, 63 00:05:13.240 --> 00:05:16.199 whether we know them or not online or in real life, and we 64 00:05:16.279 --> 00:05:18.720 don't really like them, but we don't want to be mean to them. 65 00:05:18.839 --> 00:05:20.959 We don't want to ghost them, we don't want to block them, we 66 00:05:21.000 --> 00:05:26.120 want to be kind, so we give them little bread crumbs. It is 67 00:05:26.199 --> 00:05:30.040 the worst thing you can do to somebody in limerens because they're constantly in a 68 00:05:30.040 --> 00:05:35.199 state of being weaned and wanting more. But also it makes it worse when 69 00:05:35.240 --> 00:05:39.920 you have no closure. You know, when I eventually said to him for 70 00:05:39.959 --> 00:05:42.000 good, I mean, tried it many times and it never worked out. 71 00:05:42.000 --> 00:05:46.519 But when I finally said it's over, it's done with and I blocked him 72 00:05:46.560 --> 00:05:49.079 and changed my phone number and didn't respond to his calls, that's when I 73 00:05:49.160 --> 00:05:56.639 had the closure. But if you find yourself monitoring their social media, you're 74 00:05:56.680 --> 00:06:01.319 hurting yourself. You can't do this. It's particularly difficult if maybe you work 75 00:06:01.360 --> 00:06:04.759 with the person and you have to have frequent interactions. It's really hard, 76 00:06:04.759 --> 00:06:11.639 so you have to work hard to create lots of boundaries. Also, you 77 00:06:11.720 --> 00:06:15.560 need to expand your social circle. You can't put all your emotional eggs in 78 00:06:15.560 --> 00:06:17.639 one basket, especially somebody who's not giving it back to you. It's just 79 00:06:17.680 --> 00:06:23.920 a constant cycle of pain. If you are somebody who are prone to mental 80 00:06:23.959 --> 00:06:28.360 health issues like depression or anxiety, you're more likely to get caught up in 81 00:06:28.399 --> 00:06:30.680 a limerence. Now, when I read about limerens, you know, I 82 00:06:30.720 --> 00:06:34.160 wrote my dissertation on attachment theory. I've done a lot of reading about attachment. 83 00:06:34.199 --> 00:06:38.959 I thought, well, this just sounds like an anxious attachment style to 84 00:06:39.040 --> 00:06:45.000 me, and there are many many similarities, right, I would like the 85 00:06:45.000 --> 00:06:48.120 more I read, though, I realize it's the anxious attachment style, the 86 00:06:48.279 --> 00:06:53.800 unmet needs as a young child and baby that now are projected into your adult 87 00:06:53.879 --> 00:07:00.759 life. It's that anxious attachment style that causes the limerence. So's not getting 88 00:07:00.800 --> 00:07:05.920 this person to like you, it's getting you to like yourself, asking yourself, 89 00:07:06.600 --> 00:07:10.800 why do you put up with that behavior? Why are you attracted to 90 00:07:10.839 --> 00:07:14.720 that? And of course you'll talk about the highs, but the lows should 91 00:07:14.720 --> 00:07:19.519 tell you it's time to go. I cannot stress enough that there is no 92 00:07:19.639 --> 00:07:23.319 so oh oh one other thing. People in Limerians do a lot is they 93 00:07:23.399 --> 00:07:27.639 romanticize it. They believe in this idea of a soulmate. Everybody, I'm 94 00:07:27.680 --> 00:07:30.920 sorry to burst your bubble. There's no such thing as a soulmate. In 95 00:07:30.959 --> 00:07:34.079 fact, if you're a healthy person, there are many potential soulmates or partners 96 00:07:34.120 --> 00:07:38.040 that would be good for you. But if you're thinking like, oh, 97 00:07:38.120 --> 00:07:42.279 it's cupid in an arrow, it's romances. Whoever, that's a weird obsession. 98 00:07:42.680 --> 00:07:46.680 That's not true. Okay. If somebody is not reciprocating, if they're 99 00:07:46.720 --> 00:07:50.360 not giving you love and kindness back on a regular basis, if it's one 100 00:07:50.480 --> 00:07:56.439 sided, if you're on an emotional roller coaster, this is not love and 101 00:07:56.519 --> 00:07:59.839 it's not going to change. It's not going to get better. All right, 102 00:08:00.040 --> 00:08:01.560 let me come back. I am going to answer your social media questions 103 00:08:01.600 --> 00:08:05.920 and take your calls now. Instagram, you can call that number one eight 104 00:08:05.040 --> 00:08:09.680 hundred five two zero one five three four. That's one eight hundred five two 105 00:08:09.800 --> 00:08:16.360 zero one KFI reminder, I'm a psychology professor. I'm also the beneficiary of 106 00:08:16.480 --> 00:08:18.959 many, many years of therapy. I've written three books on relationships and a 107 00:08:20.000 --> 00:08:24.600 dissertation on attachment theory and I'm happy to weigh in with my wisdom. One 108 00:08:24.600 --> 00:08:28.720 eight hundred five two zero one five three four. You are listening to the 109 00:08:28.759 --> 00:08:33.080 Doctor Andy wallsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the 110 00:08:33.120 --> 00:08:41.240 iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six 111 00:08:41.360 --> 00:08:46.639 forty. KFI AM six forty, You've got Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. 112 00:08:46.720 --> 00:08:48.240 This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I'm a little late coming in. 113 00:08:48.279 --> 00:08:52.879 Did you hear that rowl? I was chatting with my friends on Instagram? 114 00:08:52.120 --> 00:08:56.679 That's what happened. I didn't even hear the queue. Terrible Anyway, I'm 115 00:08:56.720 --> 00:08:58.960 taking your calls. Reminder, I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor. 116 00:09:00.159 --> 00:09:01.960 I've got lots of wisdom. Delay on you. The numbers one eight 117 00:09:03.080 --> 00:09:07.120 hundred five to zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred five to zero, 118 00:09:07.279 --> 00:09:11.000 one five three four. Okay, Producer, Kayla, who do we have? 119 00:09:11.200 --> 00:09:15.679 Well? Raoul, who do we got first? Hello? It's doctor 120 00:09:15.720 --> 00:09:20.960 Whitney. Who's this? Hello? Hello? My name is Raoul. So 121 00:09:20.039 --> 00:09:26.440 I have an asking question for a friend. Okay, go ahead. So 122 00:09:26.480 --> 00:09:31.840 her ex texted her after months of no contact. Uh huh, and he 123 00:09:31.039 --> 00:09:33.840 messaged her saying, oh, I wanted to disconnect. I'm changing as a 124 00:09:33.879 --> 00:09:39.320 person. And she answered his message, but she hasn't. He takes a 125 00:09:39.360 --> 00:09:43.960 long time to answer or doesn't answer her why, so she do he hasn't 126 00:09:45.000 --> 00:09:48.279 changed yet, he has not changed his behavior. And as long as she 127 00:09:48.360 --> 00:09:52.440 focuses on why he wants to do something, then she's not focusing on, 128 00:09:52.679 --> 00:09:56.559 you know, why she is attracted to that. So Raoul the caller says 129 00:09:56.600 --> 00:10:01.200 that a friend of his her ex text and says he's changed. She's had 130 00:10:01.240 --> 00:10:05.960 no contact for many months and now he wants to see her, But yet 131 00:10:05.000 --> 00:10:09.840 he's being inconsistent. And when he gets back to her, so basically he's 132 00:10:09.840 --> 00:10:11.440 saying, this is all I can give. Are you gonna put up with 133 00:10:11.480 --> 00:10:16.279 it? He's testing her, So don't worry about why, worry about why 134 00:10:16.360 --> 00:10:20.240 she would ever accept that. If it's not enough contact for her, she 135 00:10:20.279 --> 00:10:24.039 should say no, thank you, that's it, right, Thanks for calling 136 00:10:24.120 --> 00:10:28.720 Raoul. Funnally, Raoul has the same name as Raoul. Thanks for calling, 137 00:10:28.840 --> 00:10:30.559 all, Right, who do we have next? Do you have Amy 138 00:10:30.559 --> 00:10:35.279 with a question? Amy? Hi? Amy, It's doctor Wendy. Hi, 139 00:10:35.360 --> 00:10:37.000 doctor Wendy. My name is Amy. How are you doing good? 140 00:10:37.080 --> 00:10:43.960 What's your question? Love? Yes, my question is towards anxiety or anxious 141 00:10:43.039 --> 00:10:46.679 attach Missyle, people like myself, you know, how do we move in 142 00:10:46.720 --> 00:10:52.759 towards more secure more specifically, I literally just got friend zones that minute ago 143 00:10:52.840 --> 00:11:00.879 before and put that with like, initially it wasn't me super attract to him, 144 00:11:00.919 --> 00:11:03.039 it was he attracted more to me, like he liked me more. 145 00:11:03.399 --> 00:11:09.600 But later I'm doing a stage. I felt I'm ready to move on to 146 00:11:09.639 --> 00:11:13.360 the next stage, and then he kind of not ready. He feel pressured, 147 00:11:13.480 --> 00:11:16.679 so he said it's better to staying a friend. And then that times 148 00:11:16.759 --> 00:11:20.480 as adual kick the end, like yeah, you know, that's when the 149 00:11:20.600 --> 00:11:24.080 anxiety because what happens is, yeah, when they say they don't want and 150 00:11:24.080 --> 00:11:26.320 they want you in the friend zone and they don't want a relationship, and 151 00:11:26.360 --> 00:11:30.039 you're thinking, I didn't like you that much anyway, but now I really 152 00:11:30.120 --> 00:11:37.120 like you, right, so I cannot impress upon you enough how important it 153 00:11:37.200 --> 00:11:39.279 is to go to therapy. That's what I did, and that's how I 154 00:11:39.399 --> 00:11:46.399 learned that I am lovable, I am enough, and that every time I 155 00:11:46.679 --> 00:11:54.120 chased after somebody who couldn't love me back. That was me injuring myself right, 156 00:11:54.559 --> 00:11:58.320 It wasn't somebody hurting me or trying to hurt me. And I learned 157 00:11:58.320 --> 00:12:03.919 to recognize the signs very early on that somebody had an avoidant attachment style or 158 00:12:03.960 --> 00:12:07.120 wasn't ready for a relationship, and I would pay attention to it. You 159 00:12:07.159 --> 00:12:11.480 see, what happens amy is people who have an anxious attachment style. They'll 160 00:12:11.480 --> 00:12:13.360 be dating somebody who says things like, you know, I'm really not ready 161 00:12:13.399 --> 00:12:18.200 for a relationship, or I don't do monogamy, or I'm still married, 162 00:12:18.279 --> 00:12:24.559 we're separated or whatever, and so they're not fully available and the person with 163 00:12:24.639 --> 00:12:28.440 the anxious attachment style doesn't pay attention to that, doesn't listen. They just 164 00:12:28.600 --> 00:12:33.720 walk right through it. Now when I see the signs, like here's a 165 00:12:33.720 --> 00:12:37.919 great example. So a bunch of years ago, when I was single, 166 00:12:37.279 --> 00:12:41.360 I met a guy on an app. We went out on a really great 167 00:12:41.440 --> 00:12:43.159 date. It ended with a wonderful kiss. I thought this is gonna be 168 00:12:43.159 --> 00:12:46.440 great. So then we made plans to see each other for lunch. A 169 00:12:46.919 --> 00:12:52.639 couple days later and I wake up in the morning and I haven't heard from 170 00:12:52.720 --> 00:12:54.000 him, but I know we'd said we're gonna have lunch, and so I 171 00:12:54.039 --> 00:12:58.519 wait and wait and wait. Finally, around noon, noon, the time 172 00:12:58.559 --> 00:13:01.279 people eat lunch, and say, hey, just checking in everything. Okay, 173 00:13:01.320 --> 00:13:05.039 what time are we meeting? I don't hear anything. He calls at 174 00:13:05.120 --> 00:13:09.639 one o'clock and says, oh, I'm sorry, I just slept in and 175 00:13:09.679 --> 00:13:13.559 I said, okay, well sorry. This kind of inconsistency doesn't fly for 176 00:13:13.679 --> 00:13:18.759 me. And I let him go early because I saw the signs he was 177 00:13:18.799 --> 00:13:22.279 testing me. So I think you need to find another guy who's going to 178 00:13:22.279 --> 00:13:26.360 be reciprocal, who's going to love you for you, Amy, thank you 179 00:13:26.399 --> 00:13:28.159 for calling. Okay, Producer Kayla, who do we have next? Do 180 00:13:28.240 --> 00:13:31.080 you have? Jenny with the question Jenny, Hi, Jenny, it's doctor 181 00:13:31.080 --> 00:13:37.080 Wendy. Hi. How are you, doctor Wendy. I I'm sixty two 182 00:13:37.360 --> 00:13:41.799 and I've been got divorced in two thousand and eight. I've been trying a 183 00:13:41.840 --> 00:13:46.639 lot of dated people, but the dating app not is so crazy. And 184 00:13:46.759 --> 00:13:52.120 I learned about this thing called haystack burning, where you go for the needle 185 00:13:52.120 --> 00:13:56.120 instead of the haystack. Have you heard of that? And it's a lovely 186 00:13:56.200 --> 00:14:01.000 saying. What I usually say is the process of finding somebody on a dating 187 00:14:01.000 --> 00:14:03.879 app is eliminating most of the people, so you're left with one standing. 188 00:14:05.360 --> 00:14:07.759 Right, It's a game of So what's your question? Before I start telling 189 00:14:07.799 --> 00:14:13.080 you how to use dating apps? My question is just how do you read 190 00:14:13.159 --> 00:14:16.840 out people? And I am a very kind, loving person, so I 191 00:14:16.960 --> 00:14:20.200 end up giving people the benefit of the day. Okay, I used to 192 00:14:20.240 --> 00:14:22.080 be you, Jenny. Okay, I'm going to tell you how to get 193 00:14:22.080 --> 00:14:26.840 hard and cold. Okay. So first of all, what you want to 194 00:14:26.879 --> 00:14:31.879 do is to avoid paradox of choice, so our brain. Dating apps are 195 00:14:31.879 --> 00:14:35.960 not designed to help you find love. Dating apps are designed to get you 196 00:14:35.000 --> 00:14:37.840 addicted to the app, and the way they do it is through something called 197 00:14:37.879 --> 00:14:41.879 paradox of choice. The human brain is such that the more choice we're presented 198 00:14:41.960 --> 00:14:46.440 with, like the thousands of people on a dating app, the more we 199 00:14:46.519 --> 00:14:50.360 have trouble making a decision on one. And when we do make a decision 200 00:14:50.399 --> 00:14:52.960 on one, we don't value it that much because we're thinking about the bigger, 201 00:14:52.960 --> 00:14:56.960 better deals that got away. So what I want you to do is 202 00:14:56.000 --> 00:15:03.279 only match with two suitors at one and then very quickly get on the phone 203 00:15:03.279 --> 00:15:05.240 and eliminate one of them. Through one phone conversation, you're gonna be able 204 00:15:05.279 --> 00:15:09.799 to decide one or two, and then once you have one, work him 205 00:15:09.799 --> 00:15:11.679 towards a coffee date, but bring one more on board so you can eliminate 206 00:15:11.799 --> 00:15:16.960 him. And you just go through this process until you hit on somebody where 207 00:15:16.000 --> 00:15:18.799 you're like, Wow, this person is bet. I can't think of any 208 00:15:18.840 --> 00:15:24.679 reason to eliminate him. But what we do, loving kind, generous people 209 00:15:24.799 --> 00:15:28.519 like you and me, Jenny, is we sit there and overlook the flaws 210 00:15:28.559 --> 00:15:33.960 because we think we're being benefit. We're being a bad person. We're being 211 00:15:33.000 --> 00:15:39.080 too harsh too quickly. And when there's thousands of people to choose from, 212 00:15:39.440 --> 00:15:43.840 you need to be too harsh too quickly. You need to leave earlier. 213 00:15:45.000 --> 00:15:48.159 Jenny, thanks so much for calling. All right, do we have time 214 00:15:48.159 --> 00:15:50.519 for one more before we go to break? Yeah, let's do one more. 215 00:15:50.559 --> 00:15:52.720 Okay, who we got? Who we got? You have? Edward? 216 00:15:52.960 --> 00:15:58.240 Edward? Hi, Edward, it's doctor Wendy. Yeah, doctor Wendy. 217 00:15:58.279 --> 00:16:00.200 I'm not doing this, but I wanted to get your advice for men 218 00:16:00.240 --> 00:16:04.960 that are doing this. The last two months, there's been about eight men 219 00:16:06.399 --> 00:16:12.759 who a method demise going to Columbia for dating what is your recommendation about anybody 220 00:16:12.960 --> 00:16:17.840 attempting to do that, don't do it? You know there is I just 221 00:16:17.840 --> 00:16:19.559 want to say I don't know about these cases, so I can't comment on 222 00:16:19.600 --> 00:16:25.159 them. In particular. Edward is saying for you watching on Instagram that he 223 00:16:25.240 --> 00:16:27.720 knows of incidents of eight different men who met the end of their life by 224 00:16:27.759 --> 00:16:32.120 going to date in other countries. So here's the thing. We all have 225 00:16:32.240 --> 00:16:37.840 this fantasy that the problem with dating is our city or our neighborhood, and 226 00:16:37.879 --> 00:16:41.279 we have this idea if we can get out of our zip code or out 227 00:16:41.279 --> 00:16:45.080 of our state or out of our country, that it'll be so much easier. 228 00:16:45.639 --> 00:16:52.519 The truth is, people with good relationship skills have no problem finding good 229 00:16:52.559 --> 00:17:00.799 relationships anywhere, and so they have this delusion that love is waiting for them 230 00:17:00.799 --> 00:17:04.839 somewhere else. And this is how romance scams take place, because they're lonely 231 00:17:04.920 --> 00:17:11.440 people and they're talking late at night on these apps and they start to imagine 232 00:17:11.440 --> 00:17:14.240 that this is the perfect thing, and before you know it, someone's asking 233 00:17:14.279 --> 00:17:17.799 to send money or what have you. So it's really important that you get 234 00:17:17.799 --> 00:17:21.680 in the real world quickly, and you can't have a relationship with somebody who's 235 00:17:21.720 --> 00:17:25.039 thousands of miles away, and may be a great idea and a fantasy, 236 00:17:25.200 --> 00:17:29.599 but in practicality, to have a relationship, you got to be together on 237 00:17:29.640 --> 00:17:33.440 a regular basis, right, So Edward, don't do it. Please, 238 00:17:33.480 --> 00:17:34.519 don't do it. It doesn't sound like a great idea. All right, 239 00:17:34.559 --> 00:17:37.480 let's go to break. When we come back, I'm going to continue to 240 00:17:37.519 --> 00:17:41.039 take your calls. The number is one eight hundred five two zero one five 241 00:17:41.160 --> 00:17:45.960 three four. That's one eight hundred five two zero one KFI. You are 242 00:17:47.000 --> 00:17:51.720 listening to the Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere 243 00:17:51.920 --> 00:17:56.920 on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI 244 00:17:57.160 --> 00:18:02.880 AM six forty AM six fourty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. 245 00:18:02.960 --> 00:18:06.079 This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I'm taking your calls one eight hundred 246 00:18:06.839 --> 00:18:10.480 excuse me, five two zero one five three four. And then I'm also 247 00:18:10.519 --> 00:18:11.960 going to social media. Okay, Producer Kayla, who do we have? 248 00:18:12.119 --> 00:18:15.359 We have Julia with a question. Julia, Hi, Julia, It's doctor 249 00:18:15.400 --> 00:18:22.400 Wendy. Hi. Hi, what's your question? My question is I have 250 00:18:22.440 --> 00:18:26.599 a friend who's talking to someone who's very depressed, and recently you sent my 251 00:18:26.640 --> 00:18:29.720 friend a picture of the thing that he's going to use to offer himself with. 252 00:18:30.400 --> 00:18:33.440 Oh, and my friend's very I'm conflicted on if if you just keep 253 00:18:33.480 --> 00:18:37.279 talking to him or not. What sounds like your friend should call nine to 254 00:18:37.319 --> 00:18:41.839 one one. One of the things psychologists do when they do an assessment of 255 00:18:41.880 --> 00:18:47.519 whether somebody is suicidal is they ask the question of do you have a plan 256 00:18:48.160 --> 00:18:52.240 and a means? And he's clearly showcasing to her that he has a means, 257 00:18:52.920 --> 00:18:56.400 and so, you know, we don't know if this is a call 258 00:18:56.519 --> 00:19:02.440 for help, if it's what we call Paris suicide behavior, but she should 259 00:19:02.480 --> 00:19:07.880 take any call for help very very seriously and to ghost him or hurt him 260 00:19:08.000 --> 00:19:11.200 or just say. You know, there was a case I can't remember where 261 00:19:11.240 --> 00:19:17.359 it was. It was like a teenage girl and I guess this guy was 262 00:19:17.400 --> 00:19:21.160 texting her and he said, I'm I think I'm gonna kill myself and she 263 00:19:21.240 --> 00:19:23.160 said, oh, you're too weak to do it, you would never actually 264 00:19:23.240 --> 00:19:26.160 do it anyway, Just go ahead and do it, and he did, 265 00:19:26.880 --> 00:19:33.960 and she ended up being convicted of some kind of murder charge or manslaughter charge. 266 00:19:33.200 --> 00:19:37.480 So we have to take these things seriously. So please tell your friend 267 00:19:37.799 --> 00:19:41.160 to call nine one one and make sure that this person gets the help they 268 00:19:41.160 --> 00:19:45.039 deserve. But thank you for calling. All Right, Whoo, that's a 269 00:19:45.039 --> 00:19:48.079 heavy one. Let's go to social media. Dear doctor Wendy. I'm in 270 00:19:48.119 --> 00:19:51.559 my fifties and divorced. I have an active friend group and we have a 271 00:19:51.559 --> 00:19:55.000 lot of fun parties. I've always been included, but for some reason I 272 00:19:55.079 --> 00:19:57.559 was excluded from a vision board party that all my friends are going to. 273 00:19:59.200 --> 00:20:02.000 I'm still talking to the host, and if I had her to my birthday 274 00:20:02.039 --> 00:20:07.519 party, it wasn't an oversight either, since my other friends all got private 275 00:20:07.559 --> 00:20:11.519 miss messages in addition to the party. Should I nicely confront her and ask 276 00:20:11.599 --> 00:20:17.279 if I did something to upset her? Well, I want you to think 277 00:20:17.880 --> 00:20:22.640 about short term goals and long term goals. Your short term goal is to 278 00:20:22.680 --> 00:20:29.839 get an answer on what happened socially. I hope your long term goal is 279 00:20:29.880 --> 00:20:37.359 to continue to have the social support of the group. So sometimes you know 280 00:20:37.440 --> 00:20:41.799 this person better than I you can, and I don't like the word confront 281 00:20:41.839 --> 00:20:45.559 her. I like to say, you know, sweetly ask her if you 282 00:20:45.599 --> 00:20:47.839 did something, don't. I wouldn't even let her know that you know about 283 00:20:47.839 --> 00:20:48.359 the party, but just say, you know, have I done something to 284 00:20:48.440 --> 00:20:52.000 upset you? It feels a little different or something, and see if she 285 00:20:52.079 --> 00:20:56.519 can be intimate back. But if she's the kind of person who just stays 286 00:20:56.559 --> 00:21:00.559 in performance personality and can't be intimate back, then you you might want to 287 00:21:00.599 --> 00:21:03.759 just bite your lip and wait till the next thing. I mean, you're 288 00:21:03.799 --> 00:21:07.759 having a party and she's invited to your birthday. I don't There could be 289 00:21:07.799 --> 00:21:12.640 all kinds of reasons, but focusing on the why might also explode it, 290 00:21:14.039 --> 00:21:18.920 Like if you confront her and she might feel ashamed and then want to invite 291 00:21:18.960 --> 00:21:22.279 you less and then also tell other people to invite you less. Right, 292 00:21:22.559 --> 00:21:26.319 So, if your long term goal is to keep with this group, I'd 293 00:21:26.400 --> 00:21:30.319 be very careful about how you deal with this, because the bottom line is 294 00:21:30.359 --> 00:21:33.720 this, I have a large group of friends too. I can't invite them 295 00:21:33.799 --> 00:21:37.359 all of them to everything. There's just too many and too much, right, 296 00:21:37.920 --> 00:21:41.599 so sometimes we just have to pick and choose. I mean, I'm 297 00:21:41.640 --> 00:21:45.839 getting married in August. I can't invite everybody I've ever met in my whole 298 00:21:45.880 --> 00:21:51.160 life. That's hard. All right, Hey, doctor Wendy, says this 299 00:21:51.240 --> 00:21:56.039 listener, I need advice before calling off my upcoming date. I agree to 300 00:21:56.079 --> 00:22:00.359 the date, but his communication has been so bad. I don't want a 301 00:22:00.400 --> 00:22:04.079 ghost him. What's a nice way to cancel? Oh, it's very simple. 302 00:22:04.559 --> 00:22:07.759 You simply send a text that says, hey, I know we'd planned 303 00:22:07.759 --> 00:22:12.839 to get together on Friday, but I'm not feeling it right now with you, 304 00:22:14.000 --> 00:22:17.680 so I'm gonna have to pass, but thank you anyway. And that's 305 00:22:17.720 --> 00:22:19.799 it. I said that to somebody one time. I said I'm not up 306 00:22:19.880 --> 00:22:22.039 to it, and he said, oh, you're not feeling well. I 307 00:22:22.079 --> 00:22:26.000 said, no, I'm not emotionally up to it, all in a text. 308 00:22:26.440 --> 00:22:29.559 So yeah, you just want to send him a text and be sweet 309 00:22:29.559 --> 00:22:32.559 about it and say thanks for the invitation, but I'm not feeling it. 310 00:22:33.400 --> 00:22:37.240 Uh Okay, Dear doctor Wendy, this man has been dating me. It's 311 00:22:37.279 --> 00:22:40.640 been trying to date me for a long time, so I guess you haven't 312 00:22:40.680 --> 00:22:44.680 dated him. I recently fell out with this guy that I was dating, 313 00:22:45.480 --> 00:22:49.759 so I decided to give my interested pursuer a chance. We face timed, 314 00:22:49.920 --> 00:22:55.680 and while we were face timing, he was texting on his phone. I 315 00:22:55.759 --> 00:22:59.920 asked who he was texting with, and he told me some girl who's mad 316 00:23:00.359 --> 00:23:04.240 he won't post about her on social media. He seems like a player. 317 00:23:06.000 --> 00:23:08.799 Is this a red flag? Should I block him? Or is he just 318 00:23:08.920 --> 00:23:15.480 dating? Okay, calm down. This gentleman clearly told you who he is, 319 00:23:17.119 --> 00:23:21.200 and I cannot believe that there's a question if this is a red flag. 320 00:23:21.640 --> 00:23:25.400 First of all, he's facetiming you and he is not giving you his 321 00:23:25.519 --> 00:23:27.799 full undivided attention. He's talking to another woman at the same time. That 322 00:23:27.839 --> 00:23:33.440 would be enough right there. But secondly, what's he saying about this girl? 323 00:23:33.920 --> 00:23:37.640 She's mad? He won't post her on his social media, which means 324 00:23:37.680 --> 00:23:41.119 that he's having sex with her, and she feels that they're in a committed 325 00:23:41.200 --> 00:23:45.359 relationship and she wants to go public with that. Ugh. No, he 326 00:23:45.400 --> 00:23:48.599 is a player, absolutely, one hundred percent, and he's testing you to 327 00:23:48.599 --> 00:23:53.039 see if you will put up with it. Do not go out with this 328 00:23:53.160 --> 00:24:00.839 man at all? Who uh uh? Dear doctor Wendy. I avoid getting 329 00:24:00.839 --> 00:24:06.039 invested early on, getting too invested early on. I always fall in love 330 00:24:06.119 --> 00:24:11.680 after the first conversation with a potential mate. Okay, there's only one thing 331 00:24:11.720 --> 00:24:15.000 you need to do, which is literally, get yourself a therapist who can 332 00:24:15.039 --> 00:24:19.079 be a good wingman for you, because if you get into limerens after one 333 00:24:19.160 --> 00:24:23.799 date or one phone call, oh my goodness, that is too much, 334 00:24:23.839 --> 00:24:27.039 too soon. And that has to do with an anxious attachment style. Is 335 00:24:27.079 --> 00:24:30.279 my bet if I were a bet and woman. Oh, I'm sorry, 336 00:24:30.279 --> 00:24:34.039 it must be painful too. Uh, all right, I'm gonna go to 337 00:24:34.079 --> 00:24:37.680 this one. Uh. Dear doctor Wendy, do you have any advice for 338 00:24:37.799 --> 00:24:42.279 dating someone who is an attic? Oh? Dear, he's going to therapy 339 00:24:42.319 --> 00:24:45.480 twice a week. He's the best guy I've ever met. But in three 340 00:24:45.519 --> 00:24:49.960 months he's had two episodes and relapsed. How can I be there for them? 341 00:24:51.319 --> 00:24:55.400 For him? I love him so much? Uh? Are you an 342 00:24:55.480 --> 00:25:00.400 enabler? He's relapsing in three months twice. I think he needs a wake 343 00:25:00.440 --> 00:25:04.119 up call, which is he loses the important relationships in his life. I 344 00:25:04.160 --> 00:25:07.640 don't know how you've been dating, how long you've been dating, but you 345 00:25:07.680 --> 00:25:14.200 know, when somebody goes into recovery, they tell them not to have relationships 346 00:25:14.200 --> 00:25:19.599 for a period of time because they're too It makes them too vulnerable to relapses. 347 00:25:21.119 --> 00:25:23.799 So I don't want you to feel that you've created the relapse or that 348 00:25:25.039 --> 00:25:29.519 you are responsible for keeping him sober. None of that is your responsibility, 349 00:25:29.839 --> 00:25:33.960 and you shouldn't be his caregiver. You shouldn't be his enabler. I don't 350 00:25:33.960 --> 00:25:37.480 think you should be there for him. I think he should work out his 351 00:25:37.559 --> 00:25:42.960 stuff until he's completely whole, and then he can have a relationship. Dear 352 00:25:42.960 --> 00:25:45.480 doctor, Wendy, I've been talking to this guy for three months. We've 353 00:25:45.480 --> 00:25:48.200 been texting every day, but we haven't met. Whose fault is that. 354 00:25:48.200 --> 00:25:52.119 That's your fault. You need to make sure you get the date on the 355 00:25:52.160 --> 00:25:56.160 table. Don't get into a long term texting relationship. You guys, it's 356 00:25:56.160 --> 00:25:59.680 fake. It's your imagination. It's not real. Okay, let me continue. 357 00:26:00.440 --> 00:26:03.079 She says he's busy at work, and I've been busy with work in 358 00:26:03.119 --> 00:26:06.759 school, but he has not tried to ask me out. Should this be 359 00:26:06.839 --> 00:26:10.480 a deal breaker or should I try harder to make it happen. This is 360 00:26:10.519 --> 00:26:12.920 a deal breaker. If a guy wants to see you, he makes it 361 00:26:14.000 --> 00:26:19.160 happen. What happens is these texting relationships help satiate somebody emotionally, and so 362 00:26:19.720 --> 00:26:25.759 they're getting enough from the text you're already doing it. So no, no, 363 00:26:26.039 --> 00:26:29.279 go out with somebody who says, have aut coffee tomorrow? How about 364 00:26:29.279 --> 00:26:30.319 next week? Oh my god, you're so great. I can't wait to 365 00:26:30.319 --> 00:26:36.799 meet you. Go with somebody who's passionate for you. Ugh, three months 366 00:26:36.799 --> 00:26:41.960 of texting and no date. Don't waste any more of your time. Okay, 367 00:26:41.200 --> 00:26:44.559 I just I went off there, didn't I I don't know. I 368 00:26:44.680 --> 00:26:47.839 just I keep telling people, telling people, but they keep coming back with 369 00:26:47.880 --> 00:26:52.240 the questions. All right, when we come back, remember we were talking 370 00:26:52.279 --> 00:26:57.279 about workplace relationships earlier in the show. It is really important that you have 371 00:26:57.359 --> 00:27:02.160 a best friend, a friend with boundary at work for your own mental health, 372 00:27:02.359 --> 00:27:04.200 for your productivity. I'm going to tell you how to make a best 373 00:27:04.200 --> 00:27:08.000 friend at work or anywhere. When we come back. You are listening to 374 00:27:08.039 --> 00:27:12.400 the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on 375 00:27:12.440 --> 00:27:18.720 the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM 376 00:27:18.759 --> 00:27:23.880 six forty. KFI AM six forty, you have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. 377 00:27:25.119 --> 00:27:29.319 We're in the home stretch at the Doctor Wendy Walls Show talking about friends 378 00:27:29.599 --> 00:27:36.599 and friendship. We cannot survive without social support. We are a many, 379 00:27:36.680 --> 00:27:41.599 one brained species. We think together, we laugh together, we cry together. 380 00:27:41.440 --> 00:27:47.000 Friendship is so important to our mental health. One of the reasons why 381 00:27:47.039 --> 00:27:52.440 we had so many mental health problems during quarantine was because we weren't socializing and 382 00:27:52.880 --> 00:27:56.279 Zoom was a poor substitute. We all know that the thought of doing something 383 00:27:56.319 --> 00:27:59.799 on Zoom right now, I hope you roll your eyes because I do. 384 00:28:00.319 --> 00:28:04.839 I'm like, oh, oh, really, having somebody who knows you and 385 00:28:04.920 --> 00:28:07.319 accepts you. Know. They're different kinds of friends, right. There are 386 00:28:07.559 --> 00:28:11.920 those historic friends, those who knew us when from our childhood. They may 387 00:28:12.000 --> 00:28:15.920 not be involved in our lives today, but when we get together over the 388 00:28:15.920 --> 00:28:19.119 holidays or call every once in a while, our brain is brought back to 389 00:28:19.240 --> 00:28:23.920 where we were and it helps us with our sense of identity. Then we 390 00:28:25.000 --> 00:28:27.000 might have sort of light friendships. I call them the common interest friends, 391 00:28:27.359 --> 00:28:32.240 the friends you know from the gym or whatever club or group you're in. 392 00:28:32.279 --> 00:28:36.119 And they may not be intimate friends, but they're friends and you need them 393 00:28:36.119 --> 00:28:41.680 too. And then there are those wonderful intimate friends, the ones who will 394 00:28:41.759 --> 00:28:45.480 drive you to the airport right the close friends, the ones who will do 395 00:28:45.559 --> 00:28:48.240 favors you, who will always be there for you. It's funny today when 396 00:28:48.279 --> 00:28:52.599 I was at the urgent care for my stupid little foot thing, he said 397 00:28:52.640 --> 00:28:56.279 to he had said, who's your emergency contact? That's usually the question that 398 00:28:56.359 --> 00:29:03.480 stresses out lonely people. Who is your emergency contact? And I want you 399 00:29:03.519 --> 00:29:06.960 to think about it. You should have a couple. Anyway. I fill 400 00:29:07.000 --> 00:29:11.400 out the form and I put my fiance Julio, and he said, oh, 401 00:29:11.960 --> 00:29:15.440 well, our system says you have somebody named Maria, and I said, 402 00:29:15.519 --> 00:29:18.400 yeah, best friend and boyfriend. Keep them both in there. He 403 00:29:18.440 --> 00:29:22.039 goes, that's all you need, best friend and a boyfriend exactly. So. 404 00:29:23.319 --> 00:29:30.599 There's also research about workplace relationships. If you're spending half of your life 405 00:29:30.799 --> 00:29:36.279 in a workplace and feeling lonely there, there's a problem. Did you know 406 00:29:36.319 --> 00:29:40.559 that people who have a best friend at work are seven times more likely to 407 00:29:40.640 --> 00:29:44.359 be engaged in their jobs. And it doesn't even have to be a BFF, 408 00:29:44.759 --> 00:29:48.680 just a good friend where you can support each other in the workplace. 409 00:29:48.720 --> 00:29:53.400 Here's the best part of the research. If you have good workplace relationships, 410 00:29:55.200 --> 00:29:59.759 that's linked to better customer relations and even increased profit. Think about it. 411 00:30:00.119 --> 00:30:02.880 The last time you went up to a counter, whether it was at Best 412 00:30:02.920 --> 00:30:07.079 Buy or an airline counter, and the two employees were making a joke with 413 00:30:07.119 --> 00:30:08.920 each other and then turned and smiled to you and let you in on kind 414 00:30:08.920 --> 00:30:11.839 of the joke, and you felt like you were in a with happy people, 415 00:30:11.880 --> 00:30:15.640 in a happy place. Right. I was checking in at the airport 416 00:30:15.680 --> 00:30:22.440 going home to Canada, at the Air Canada desk, and the guy said 417 00:30:22.480 --> 00:30:26.799 to my daughter, Oh, you're so lucky. You have a Canadian passport 418 00:30:26.839 --> 00:30:27.920 and an American passport. He goes, I do too, but I have 419 00:30:27.960 --> 00:30:33.920 one other Guess where I'm from. And his colleagues were teasing him and goes, 420 00:30:33.960 --> 00:30:37.000 you always do that to people, And he was like, because they 421 00:30:37.039 --> 00:30:40.160 always get it wrong. And he was giving us hints about food, and 422 00:30:40.240 --> 00:30:44.359 you know, finally said, couscous, we went Morocco. But it was 423 00:30:44.400 --> 00:30:48.440 just sort of a fun little You could see there was camaraderie behind that counter, 424 00:30:48.880 --> 00:30:52.880 and he was working to sort of connect with us in some way. 425 00:30:52.119 --> 00:30:59.519 Right. But it's hard for people to make friends, even though we're naturally 426 00:30:59.640 --> 00:31:03.480 social creatures. People worry about where the boundaries are at work, what you 427 00:31:03.559 --> 00:31:10.400 should do to have that close person. So here's my doctor Wendy list of 428 00:31:10.440 --> 00:31:14.440 how to make a friend at work if you're feeling lonely, and actually this 429 00:31:14.480 --> 00:31:18.519 could be used at any place in life. Number one, First of all, 430 00:31:18.640 --> 00:31:25.119 identify somebody and specifically somebody where there's a need for reciprocity, right like 431 00:31:25.200 --> 00:31:27.759 what do you need from others to do a better job for yourself? And 432 00:31:27.839 --> 00:31:33.240 what do others do you think need from you? This is really important because 433 00:31:33.279 --> 00:31:36.920 it's strategic. Making friends in a workplace can be strategic, So you've got 434 00:31:36.960 --> 00:31:41.000 to say what do they need from me? And what do I need from 435 00:31:41.039 --> 00:31:45.119 them. Also, whenever you're forging any new relationship, whether it's in the 436 00:31:45.119 --> 00:31:48.119 line of a Starbucks and you're having comment with a conversation with a stranger, 437 00:31:48.559 --> 00:31:56.200 start small and look for responses. So good relationships start with good people skills. 438 00:31:56.680 --> 00:32:00.319 Make benign comments. Is not the time to talk about policy, tics, 439 00:32:00.400 --> 00:32:04.359 or sex or race or anything else, And no wokism here, Okay, 440 00:32:04.640 --> 00:32:08.079 benine comments, the weather, the temperature of the coffee, the number 441 00:32:08.079 --> 00:32:13.680 of people at work today. See if your target responds. If they respond 442 00:32:13.680 --> 00:32:16.240 by extending the conversation, not just a nod, or a couple a couple 443 00:32:16.319 --> 00:32:20.160 words, but actually, oh yeah, and I noticed it last week, 444 00:32:20.279 --> 00:32:23.839 La la la la. All right, then you're starting to forge a communication. 445 00:32:24.880 --> 00:32:30.960 And when they talk. Number three is practice mindful listening. People like 446 00:32:30.440 --> 00:32:37.200 people who truly listen to what they have to say, talk less, have 447 00:32:37.319 --> 00:32:40.799 more eye contact, and also echo back to them what you think you're hearing. 448 00:32:42.200 --> 00:32:46.559 That's great in any kind of conversation between two people, even especially if 449 00:32:46.559 --> 00:32:51.160 you're having conflict with your spouse or your lover, make sure you say back 450 00:32:51.160 --> 00:32:54.799 what you think you heard, not in a defensive way. Also, even 451 00:32:54.799 --> 00:33:00.400 in the workplace, schedule time to build those relationships come in early, hang 452 00:33:00.440 --> 00:33:02.240 out over the lunch breaks, day a little late. Don't be Russian in 453 00:33:02.279 --> 00:33:07.319 and Russian out right. Maybe, if you're building a little bit of rapport 454 00:33:07.400 --> 00:33:10.599 over workplace stuff, ask a colleague for a quick cup of coffee, or 455 00:33:10.640 --> 00:33:14.480 find a way to walk them to their cars or their bus stop on the 456 00:33:14.480 --> 00:33:17.400 way out right, you might want to take this online and make a positive 457 00:33:17.440 --> 00:33:22.079 comment on their LinkedIn posts, right, because that's all business. Right, 458 00:33:22.480 --> 00:33:28.759 You basically laying groundwork here to have a strong relationship. But I have to 459 00:33:28.759 --> 00:33:31.720 say this, manage your boundaries, make time, but not too much. 460 00:33:32.680 --> 00:33:37.279 Too much of a friendship at work can impair your productivity. All right, 461 00:33:37.599 --> 00:33:43.519 Not only should you manage boundaries about how much time you spend with somebody at 462 00:33:43.519 --> 00:33:46.519 work, but also the topics. Right, this is not a close intimate 463 00:33:46.599 --> 00:33:50.519 friend. Well, Kaylin and I were the exception. Right. We've been 464 00:33:50.559 --> 00:33:52.920 together how many years now, three? And we tell each other literally everything. 465 00:33:53.000 --> 00:33:55.559 Yeah, when we go on commercial break, there's nowhere like sisters. 466 00:33:55.640 --> 00:34:00.559 Yeah yeah, everything is Yeah. That's but that developed over time. Right. 467 00:34:00.920 --> 00:34:02.279 If I did that in the first month of meeting her, she'd be 468 00:34:02.319 --> 00:34:07.279 like, Okay, that's weird. I need a new host. It's a 469 00:34:07.319 --> 00:34:10.119 little too much, right, but over time. The other thing that's really 470 00:34:10.119 --> 00:34:15.679 important in building any relationship is to appreciate people and tell them, give them 471 00:34:15.840 --> 00:34:22.119 genuine compliments when you see them do something well, and be positive. Positivity 472 00:34:22.480 --> 00:34:28.079 is very contagious, and people tend to gravitate not to the whiners and the 473 00:34:28.079 --> 00:34:30.440 complainers, but those who are more positive. And if you can, try 474 00:34:30.480 --> 00:34:37.360 to avoid all that office gossip, although it's kind of fun to bond over 475 00:34:37.440 --> 00:34:38.599 talking about somebody, So a little bit of that, but not too much, 476 00:34:38.639 --> 00:34:43.719 Okay, not too much. I want everybody to have a best friend 477 00:34:43.719 --> 00:34:46.480 in real life and a good, good social support in the workplace so that 478 00:34:46.519 --> 00:34:50.400 you can go to work saying, hey, did you know that just having 479 00:34:50.400 --> 00:34:53.320 a best friend at work makes you have lower absenteeism? Because if you're feeling 480 00:34:53.320 --> 00:34:57.000 like a little sniffle and you have nobody at work who you like, you 481 00:34:57.000 --> 00:34:59.599 don't go in. But if you have a friend who's counting on you, 482 00:34:59.599 --> 00:35:01.679 you're gonna go in anyway. So that's I'm saying it's good for you. 483 00:35:01.800 --> 00:35:07.880 You'll spread those germs all around every won't get it anyway. I love you 484 00:35:07.920 --> 00:35:10.920 all. This brings my show to a close. I am here every Sunday 485 00:35:10.920 --> 00:35:14.159 from seven to nine pm. If you miss any part of the show, 486 00:35:14.199 --> 00:35:16.880 just download the iHeartRadio app. Producer Caleb puts it up on the app about 487 00:35:16.880 --> 00:35:20.840 an hour after we go off air, and you can find it all week 488 00:35:20.880 --> 00:35:22.719 long. Also, if you'd like to join my Patreon, we have a 489 00:35:22.760 --> 00:35:27.639 wonderful group of listeners every Wednesday at six thirty pm. I know a lot 490 00:35:27.679 --> 00:35:30.679 of them are listening to the show now because I see them posting things on 491 00:35:30.800 --> 00:35:35.360 Instagram, et cetera. So you just go to Patreon dot com slash doctor 492 00:35:35.360 --> 00:35:38.760 Wendy Walsh to join that group, and it's wonderful to talk to you every 493 00:35:38.760 --> 00:35:42.719 Sunday. Thanks for being with me. You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy 494 00:35:42.760 --> 00:35:46.639 Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. 495 00:35:49.719 --> 00:35:52.440 You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live 496 00:35:52.519 --> 00:35:55.960 on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on 497 00:35:57.000 --> 00:35:59.119 demand on the iHeartRadio app.