WEBVTT 1 00:00:03.640 --> 00:00:07.759 I'm Casey Tanner and I'm Camille Lewis, and this is safe for It. 2 00:00:08.199 --> 00:00:12.119 Safe for it is sex therapy unhinged because instead of being a blank slate that's 3 00:00:12.199 --> 00:00:15.480 just here to support you, we're telling you the details on our own sex 4 00:00:15.519 --> 00:00:20.399 lives, relationships, identities, and more. This isn't sex and it's not 5 00:00:20.519 --> 00:00:24.199 therapy, but we are sex therapists and what you hear today make site you. 6 00:00:24.719 --> 00:00:28.480 Each week we tackle a theme related to sex, relationships, gender and 7 00:00:28.719 --> 00:01:11.000 more. This week we're diving into the theme queer dating. M Yes, 8 00:01:11.200 --> 00:01:19.400 we're darting, also diving into eight hundred different parent trap quotes. We've been 9 00:01:19.560 --> 00:01:23.719 riffing my parent trap Meredith Blake lovers anyone? Oh yes, yes, yes, 10 00:01:26.640 --> 00:01:30.359 queer dating, Camille. I haven't asked you about your dating life in 11 00:01:30.400 --> 00:01:37.879 weeks. Any queer dating on your radar? I'm not. That's a great 12 00:01:37.920 --> 00:01:42.120 question. I feel like my dating life in the past couple of weeks has 13 00:01:42.159 --> 00:01:51.519 been interesting but also not very remarkable. Um, I'm trying to date. 14 00:01:51.799 --> 00:01:57.359 I'm trying to have more intention around dating, but nothing has materialized yet because 15 00:01:57.599 --> 00:02:04.000 I think I'm just a little bit it disinterested kind of I guess just like, 16 00:02:04.159 --> 00:02:06.959 don't feel the time and energy right now. Yeah, I just don't 17 00:02:06.959 --> 00:02:08.840 feel the time and energy like I think in an ideal world, I would 18 00:02:08.879 --> 00:02:15.159 be dating. But then I go on the apps or I talk to somebody, 19 00:02:15.159 --> 00:02:19.080 and then I'm just like, never mind. That's how I feel. 20 00:02:19.080 --> 00:02:21.759 Every time I think about whether or not I want to have kids, I'm 21 00:02:21.800 --> 00:02:24.000 like, oh, like I should think about a sperm door I should think 22 00:02:24.000 --> 00:02:27.199 about, and then every time I do, I'm like, I really don't 23 00:02:27.280 --> 00:02:30.439 want to, Like I'm too tired, too tired, too tired, You're 24 00:02:30.520 --> 00:02:35.400 tired. And I relate so much to those like memes and things that are 25 00:02:35.439 --> 00:02:38.759 like me expecting to find a partner while just like sitting in my house and 26 00:02:38.919 --> 00:02:43.479 not talking to anybody I'm doing. I'm just like, where are they? 27 00:02:43.560 --> 00:02:46.960 Like they should just arrive here, bang down my door and just be like 28 00:02:47.120 --> 00:02:51.439 here I am. I'm perfect. I'm just picturing you as like a duchess 29 00:02:51.680 --> 00:02:54.199 with like your shooters lining out the door. This is what we need. 30 00:02:54.319 --> 00:03:01.080 That is an accurate picture. That is also how I picture. I feel 31 00:03:01.080 --> 00:03:05.199 like we could we could source some suitors. I don't think it would be 32 00:03:05.240 --> 00:03:07.520 hard, Camille. I'm not mad at that idea. Okay, well, 33 00:03:07.719 --> 00:03:12.199 let's circle back on. Put it on our meeting agenda. In the meeting 34 00:03:12.240 --> 00:03:17.080 agenda, you know, slide into my DMS listen nerves. I don't know, 35 00:03:19.159 --> 00:03:22.960 TBD on that. Give it some thought. What is the power dynamic 36 00:03:23.000 --> 00:03:28.599 between a podcaster and their listeners? Oh, I don't know. Could go 37 00:03:28.639 --> 00:03:30.199 either way. It could go either way. I don't know that. I'm 38 00:03:30.240 --> 00:03:35.840 super stoked. Okay, all right, again circle back. But maybe I 39 00:03:35.879 --> 00:03:38.960 don't know. For the right listener, for the right listener. You never 40 00:03:39.120 --> 00:03:45.680 know what about you. You just had a birthday, You're just traveling. 41 00:03:45.879 --> 00:03:49.759 I did, I did. I also, I proposed to mouth so I 42 00:03:49.800 --> 00:03:53.319 did my wait? I know how am I just finding out? I know? 43 00:03:53.439 --> 00:03:55.240 It was so low key because she wanted it. Actually, I can 44 00:03:55.280 --> 00:04:00.000 tell you the story. Yeah. Hello, She was like, I just 45 00:04:00.080 --> 00:04:03.879 want something super low key, just the two of us, mydeal world. 46 00:04:03.919 --> 00:04:09.039 As we wake up and you roll over and you propose and that's that. 47 00:04:09.120 --> 00:04:12.199 And I was like, okay, so we're in Costa Rica. I'm like, 48 00:04:12.280 --> 00:04:15.159 that's what I'm gonna do. She doesn't even know I have the ring 49 00:04:15.240 --> 00:04:17.000 yet, but I like bring it through, you know, through the airport. 50 00:04:17.319 --> 00:04:19.879 I like hide it in the little bedside table, and I'm you know, 51 00:04:19.879 --> 00:04:23.480 I've got it planned. I'm going to propose we're going to meet her 52 00:04:23.480 --> 00:04:27.160 family for lunch. My sister's got my niece like dressed in this cute little 53 00:04:27.160 --> 00:04:30.120 onesie that says like be my aunt, and we were going to call her 54 00:04:30.240 --> 00:04:33.879 after and just like do a lot of cute things. But I wake up 55 00:04:33.879 --> 00:04:39.480 the morning of I roll over and I say, honey, I'm so excited 56 00:04:39.519 --> 00:04:41.720 to spend the morning with you, and she goes, oh, I can't. 57 00:04:42.240 --> 00:04:45.800 This is the one morning of vacation that I told my team i'd be 58 00:04:45.839 --> 00:04:48.600 online. I was like, what, Like, you don't even have like 59 00:04:48.639 --> 00:04:51.560 twenty minutes just but no, I told him i'd be online like thirty minutes 60 00:04:51.560 --> 00:04:55.560 ago. So she gets online. We're like making coffee. I'm like, 61 00:04:55.600 --> 00:04:58.160 okay, maybe we can go on a walk and then we can go to 62 00:04:58.240 --> 00:05:02.680 lunch. She's like, no, I have these leftovers from last night. 63 00:05:02.720 --> 00:05:05.079 I really want to eat them. I really don't want to go out for 64 00:05:05.120 --> 00:05:06.839 lunch. I was like, oh my god. So of course I'm texting 65 00:05:06.839 --> 00:05:11.040 her parents being like it's not happening, Like stand down, you know, 66 00:05:11.319 --> 00:05:15.439 I'm like, take the onesie off of James, my niece. Then finally, 67 00:05:15.519 --> 00:05:17.360 Malgory used to go on a walk with me. I'm like, okay, 68 00:05:17.360 --> 00:05:19.279 I guess I'm I'm doing this on the walk. We go on a 69 00:05:19.319 --> 00:05:23.600 walk, we go to like what's called like the sloth Territory where you can 70 00:05:23.759 --> 00:05:26.560 go look at sloths in the jungle. That was the nearby walk. We 71 00:05:26.600 --> 00:05:29.800 go there, They're like, oh, it's closed and you can't use any 72 00:05:29.800 --> 00:05:31.839 of the walking paths, and we're like okay. So finally we literally just 73 00:05:31.879 --> 00:05:34.199 walked down the street and I'm like, I'm just doing it. I can't 74 00:05:34.519 --> 00:05:39.439 like I'm just doing it. So basically on like a driveway, I got 75 00:05:39.480 --> 00:05:42.399 down on one knee and she was so happy and she was like this is 76 00:05:42.439 --> 00:05:44.439 perfect. And I was like, you made this so hard for me. 77 00:05:45.199 --> 00:05:46.519 And then she was like, I don't think I want to go to lunch 78 00:05:46.560 --> 00:05:49.079 with my parents. I'm like, great, I'll let them know I've been 79 00:05:49.120 --> 00:05:56.680 pushing like perfect. So it was chaotic, but she thought it was perfect. 80 00:05:56.720 --> 00:06:00.360 So oh, that's so sweet. It is it? You don't have 81 00:06:00.519 --> 00:06:04.680 to say that, No, I think it's very sweet. Also that her 82 00:06:05.519 --> 00:06:10.519 idea of like a proposal is my exact that's exactly what I want. Really, 83 00:06:11.439 --> 00:06:14.319 I wouldn't never have guessed that about you, Camille, I know, 84 00:06:14.639 --> 00:06:16.639 I know. I feel like people would assume I want like a big public 85 00:06:16.839 --> 00:06:23.720 production. Yea, yes I would, I I know. No, Wow, 86 00:06:23.879 --> 00:06:27.959 I want to be in a hotel room, a very fancy one in 87 00:06:28.000 --> 00:06:34.639 a very fancy not us place, and a really large ring because I'm trying 88 00:06:34.680 --> 00:06:41.959 to like I want to fuck immediately after, immediately after, and like some 89 00:06:42.040 --> 00:06:46.560 sort of contact with genitals immediately after. Proposal. Can't do that if I'm 90 00:06:46.600 --> 00:06:50.399 like at a restaurant cannon you have before. But I hear you it's true, 91 00:06:50.800 --> 00:06:55.600 that's true, but like not in an uninhabited right, more uninhibited. 92 00:06:56.040 --> 00:07:00.160 But that's that's what I think now to be a very particular proposal, for 93 00:07:00.199 --> 00:07:04.759 it to be in public and for me not to be. Yeah. Well 94 00:07:04.800 --> 00:07:08.439 you when you added the big ring in and then you added the fancy hotel 95 00:07:08.480 --> 00:07:11.680 and you added the international destination, suddenly it did become a believable there you 96 00:07:11.680 --> 00:07:15.720 going, yeah, and then like then we can have a fancy thing like 97 00:07:15.879 --> 00:07:19.160 rafter, but like not during that moment, you know, But of course 98 00:07:19.160 --> 00:07:21.839 I want the fancy things and lots of attention. Yeah, of course, 99 00:07:26.560 --> 00:07:30.600 as a new queer, how and when should I share that this is my 100 00:07:30.680 --> 00:07:35.920 first queer dating experience. I feel like this is a question that we got 101 00:07:35.959 --> 00:07:44.040 a lot of in various variations because of the impact of shame on identity. 102 00:07:44.079 --> 00:07:47.720 There can be a lot of shame with this type of experience and feeling like 103 00:07:47.800 --> 00:07:53.959 a novice and feeling new to something and feeling embarrassment about it. And I 104 00:07:54.000 --> 00:07:59.120 think that there is part of me that really resonates with this and how I 105 00:07:59.160 --> 00:08:03.519 think that most have when you know, venturing into queer dating, if it's 106 00:08:03.560 --> 00:08:07.680 new for them at some point, and I think that it's just like appreciating 107 00:08:07.680 --> 00:08:11.560 where you are, appreciating that this is something that you feel excited by, 108 00:08:11.680 --> 00:08:16.920 acknowledging if there's nerves when we think about like telling somebody like it's a disclosure, 109 00:08:18.560 --> 00:08:22.240 rather than like sharing it and just being like, yeah, I'm kind 110 00:08:22.240 --> 00:08:26.120 of new to this and I'm excited by this, or I'm really looking forward 111 00:08:26.160 --> 00:08:28.439 to these things about it, rather than kind of being like, this is 112 00:08:28.439 --> 00:08:31.800 what I'm going to suck at and I don't know how to do this, 113 00:08:31.000 --> 00:08:35.000 and you're going to judge me for that, and just being like, this 114 00:08:35.080 --> 00:08:37.559 is what I'm this is what I'm bringing to the table. Yeah, that's 115 00:08:37.559 --> 00:08:43.840 one I'm bringing to the table. Having relational history prepares you for any sort 116 00:08:43.879 --> 00:08:48.440 of other relationships, even if you even if it's your first time dating anybody. 117 00:08:48.440 --> 00:08:52.360 You've had friendships, you've had family relationships, you've had classmates. So 118 00:08:52.480 --> 00:08:56.519 just thinking about like this is just another kind of relationship, and you will 119 00:08:56.600 --> 00:09:03.120 learn and learn yourself within the context of this relationship as you would with anything 120 00:09:03.159 --> 00:09:05.480 else. And it's okay to be new. I love that you're pointing out 121 00:09:05.519 --> 00:09:11.360 that we often sort of zero in on lack of queer experience without realizing we, 122 00:09:11.559 --> 00:09:13.440 like the people you date, are also going to bring a lack of 123 00:09:13.440 --> 00:09:15.639 experience to the table. It's just going to be different lack of experience. 124 00:09:15.639 --> 00:09:18.200 It could be lack of kink experience, lack of non monogamy experience, lack 125 00:09:18.240 --> 00:09:22.279 of dating somebody with divorce parents experience. Right like we are, we have 126 00:09:22.399 --> 00:09:26.879 a variety of lack of experience, and I think we tend to zero in 127 00:09:26.960 --> 00:09:31.840 on being new to queer dating. I also think that any disclosure or thing 128 00:09:31.879 --> 00:09:37.039 that you share when you get to know somebody, my rule of thumb is 129 00:09:37.799 --> 00:09:43.360 don't lie and mainly you don't owe them all the information about you, so 130 00:09:43.399 --> 00:09:46.559 as long as you're not lying, Like, it's okay to decide when you're 131 00:09:46.600 --> 00:09:50.559 going to share things, and it's okay to titrate up honesty, right, 132 00:09:50.639 --> 00:09:54.919 So like, first level honesty could be, yeah, I'm kind of new 133 00:09:54.080 --> 00:09:56.919 to queer dating, like this is a little bit new for me. Next 134 00:09:58.000 --> 00:10:00.799 level queer honesty could be like, you're actually, you know, the first 135 00:10:00.799 --> 00:10:03.759 person I've gone on a date with. Right, third level, like you 136 00:10:03.799 --> 00:10:07.039 can decide what are the different levels of vulnerability and at which stage of engaging 137 00:10:07.679 --> 00:10:11.840 do I feel safe to kind of shift to the next level. So it's 138 00:10:11.879 --> 00:10:15.960 also not an all or nothing share. Yeah, I really love that. 139 00:10:16.519 --> 00:10:20.000 And I also think that the lack of experience also translates in like, this 140 00:10:20.039 --> 00:10:24.320 is their first time dating you, this is your first time dating them. 141 00:10:24.519 --> 00:10:28.000 Even if they've only had queer dating experiences, they've never experienced dating you. 142 00:10:28.279 --> 00:10:35.200 So that's kind of the novelty of dating anybody, is there is nervousness and 143 00:10:35.240 --> 00:10:41.919 then there's excitement and it kind of all swirls up. How to get overheat 144 00:10:41.080 --> 00:10:46.159 roles when dating the same gender. This is something I'm still working on. 145 00:10:46.320 --> 00:10:48.480 In my own life. Every time I think I've sort of pieced apart, 146 00:10:50.559 --> 00:10:54.519 like compet in my own relationships, I realize another way that I'm engaging in 147 00:10:54.559 --> 00:10:58.240 it, even in being in queer relationships for ten years. So even having 148 00:10:58.279 --> 00:11:01.360 experienced doesn't mean that you know how to do all of this stuff. I 149 00:11:01.399 --> 00:11:05.960 think the first step is just taking note of it and trying not to judge 150 00:11:05.960 --> 00:11:11.360 yourself recognizing I was I was trained this way. I was literally trained to 151 00:11:11.519 --> 00:11:13.399 think this way, So no need to judge. You're not like a shitty, 152 00:11:13.559 --> 00:11:18.200 horrible person, but you might be a heteronormative person like like many of 153 00:11:18.279 --> 00:11:22.320 us are, right, most of us are. If you can name it 154 00:11:22.360 --> 00:11:28.559 to the people that you're seeing, if there's particular accountability that you're excited to 155 00:11:28.600 --> 00:11:33.120 ask about around it, that could be. Hey, sometimes I noticed that 156 00:11:33.240 --> 00:11:37.919 I like equate masculinity and dominance, and that's sort of how I was trained 157 00:11:37.960 --> 00:11:41.360 to think about it, and I'm really working on feeling like I can be 158 00:11:41.519 --> 00:11:46.320 both feminine and dominant. And if you notice me kind of falling into that 159 00:11:46.399 --> 00:11:50.600 trap, feel free to invite me into a different way of thinking about it. 160 00:11:50.360 --> 00:11:54.200 So I think you know I'm trying. This is sort of a wider 161 00:11:54.240 --> 00:12:01.080 framework I've been thinking about lately as like accountability that is actually really exciting, 162 00:12:01.200 --> 00:12:05.639 and accountability that is that is like super warm and relational. And so I 163 00:12:05.679 --> 00:12:09.519 feel like this is an example of a way that you could ask for accountability 164 00:12:09.559 --> 00:12:15.600 that is non shaming and about moving into a more expansive way of being with 165 00:12:15.639 --> 00:12:20.879 yourself. And so I think talk about it, talk about it, talk 166 00:12:20.879 --> 00:12:24.600 about talk about the examples you've had in your life of things that you are 167 00:12:24.639 --> 00:12:28.960 excited about being more like and examples of falling into this trap that you're trying 168 00:12:28.960 --> 00:12:33.360 to stay away from. Right, just talk about it. I really like 169 00:12:33.440 --> 00:12:37.960 what you said about inviting that person in to be like call me, call 170 00:12:39.000 --> 00:12:41.799 me out, or call me in when these things show up, so that 171 00:12:41.840 --> 00:12:46.279 they are also aware of that kind of unlearning process that is kind of lifelong. 172 00:12:46.559 --> 00:12:50.120 You know, compet is a thing for a reason. We've been conditioned 173 00:12:50.159 --> 00:12:56.440 and socialized in this way that has us think very narrowly around expectations and roles, 174 00:12:56.720 --> 00:12:58.960 and we get to expand them. And I think you in general, 175 00:13:00.159 --> 00:13:03.679 you get to make the rules of your relationship, and some of them also 176 00:13:03.039 --> 00:13:09.600 may look similar to gender roles that may happen, and that does not mean 177 00:13:09.639 --> 00:13:13.759 that you are less queer or less valid. There may be things that different 178 00:13:15.000 --> 00:13:18.720 partners excel at, like to do, feel good about, so these things 179 00:13:18.759 --> 00:13:22.960 may come up. And it's also giving yourself, I think, permission to 180 00:13:22.039 --> 00:13:26.919 be Like I was taught that this was like a very gender role kind of 181 00:13:28.000 --> 00:13:31.080 narrative, but this is actually what works for me and my relationship and that's 182 00:13:31.080 --> 00:13:35.639 okay. It's queer because work queer, and this is fine, and these 183 00:13:35.679 --> 00:13:39.559 are the things that make our relationship work for us, So you get to 184 00:13:39.600 --> 00:13:45.080 make the rules. How often do we fall into heteronormative roles not because we 185 00:13:45.159 --> 00:13:50.080 align with the heteronormativity, but because we're anxious and this is the way that 186 00:13:50.440 --> 00:13:52.320 this is the role that we know how to play, right, Like, 187 00:13:52.320 --> 00:13:58.720 you're out on a date and one person is more mask and the assumption that 188 00:13:58.120 --> 00:14:01.879 you know gets put out there is that the mass person is going to pay 189 00:14:01.960 --> 00:14:05.159 right. Not necessarily because absolutely either person actually believe that that's what's right, 190 00:14:05.440 --> 00:14:07.799 but because it's like fuck, fuck fuck, what, like whose job is 191 00:14:07.799 --> 00:14:09.519 this? What do I do? I'm happy to do it, but I 192 00:14:09.559 --> 00:14:13.120 don't want to offend them if they right. So often it's not even about 193 00:14:13.120 --> 00:14:18.000 wanting to be heteronormative, it's wanting some kind of guidebook for queer dating. 194 00:14:18.399 --> 00:14:22.879 Well, let's make guidebooks work on it. Safe word guidebook featuring Gilmore girls 195 00:14:22.879 --> 00:14:28.679 and parents. Job, I gotta get some more black references in this experience. 196 00:14:28.879 --> 00:14:35.759 Do you love like a late nineties white due? Oh man? Yikes? 197 00:14:37.440 --> 00:14:45.360 All right, circle back on that as well. Yeah, how do 198 00:14:45.440 --> 00:14:52.159 you casually elude that you're polyamorous and or non monogamous during regular conversation to make 199 00:14:52.159 --> 00:14:56.120 it clear that you're available to date? I just like to throw the word 200 00:14:56.159 --> 00:15:03.120 partners and like just like emphasize the that's multiple in when that is happening, 201 00:15:03.200 --> 00:15:07.559 or like oh, a partner of mine or something like that. Like that's 202 00:15:07.679 --> 00:15:11.200 just the way that I've approached it. I don't know if I'm making it 203 00:15:11.240 --> 00:15:15.399 too oversimplify or be like and they're excited for me, right? I think 204 00:15:15.399 --> 00:15:18.519 that that's another way if you're trying to be like, I'm available to date, 205 00:15:18.559 --> 00:15:20.200 be like, yeah, I was just talking with my partner and they're 206 00:15:20.240 --> 00:15:22.519 really excited about this date. You can also do it, like I think, 207 00:15:22.559 --> 00:15:26.440 like if you're texting, I think lots of things can be easier in 208 00:15:26.519 --> 00:15:31.600 that way and just be like, yeah, so my girlfriend, my partner 209 00:15:31.679 --> 00:15:37.159 or my boyfriend whomever, and you just see kind of like where that lands. 210 00:15:37.759 --> 00:15:41.000 Maybe you could sort of like polyamorous signal by just dropping words like compersion 211 00:15:41.240 --> 00:15:45.919 or metamor just kind of throw them in a conversation or yeah, you know, 212 00:15:45.960 --> 00:15:48.600 walk around the grocery store with the book like Polly Secure, just sort 213 00:15:48.600 --> 00:15:52.039 of hanging out of your purse, right, or tattooed on your foreham. 214 00:15:52.399 --> 00:15:58.440 Yeah, get a tatoo like totally, or a have a phone background that's 215 00:15:58.440 --> 00:16:03.200 a picture of like an Instagram post about polyamory. Like, you know, 216 00:16:03.879 --> 00:16:07.200 let the props do the work for you. That's kind of where I would 217 00:16:07.279 --> 00:16:11.679 lean in, Oh, send a meme, Oh, send a meme, 218 00:16:11.759 --> 00:16:15.440 and just be like, isn't this so funny that this thing that we are 219 00:16:15.519 --> 00:16:21.879 experiencing. And then they'd be like what, yeah, oh my gosh, 220 00:16:21.919 --> 00:16:25.879 my partner this too, and then you're good to go. Oh my gosh, 221 00:16:25.919 --> 00:16:29.919 I love it. I mean I've seen friends kind of you know, 222 00:16:29.919 --> 00:16:33.200 they maybe meet somebody new and they're just like chatting and they'll kind of throw 223 00:16:33.240 --> 00:16:37.759 in a conversation that they recently had with their partner about non monogamy. Oh, 224 00:16:37.799 --> 00:16:40.639 you know, my partner and I were like chatting the other day about 225 00:16:40.960 --> 00:16:42.279 like what kind of check and we want to do. We've just recently opened 226 00:16:42.279 --> 00:16:47.519 our relationship or whatever version of that, so sharing and sharing a story that 227 00:16:47.559 --> 00:16:52.120 illustrates it, I think could also work. We're going to take a quick 228 00:16:52.159 --> 00:16:56.519 break to talk about an amazing show bedside, and I know it's amazing because 229 00:16:56.519 --> 00:17:00.720 a couple of months ago I was a guest in. The conversation is seriously 230 00:17:00.799 --> 00:17:03.480 not to miss. Questions like how do I have better orgasms? Build amazing 231 00:17:03.519 --> 00:17:07.039 relationships? Talking about what does good sex mean? What does that look like 232 00:17:07.119 --> 00:17:12.799 in practice? Each week on Bedside, sex educator Tatiana dells into intimate interviews 233 00:17:12.839 --> 00:17:18.839 and explorations around modern day sex, dating, love and wellness, with the 234 00:17:18.880 --> 00:17:22.960 little manifestations sprinkled in there too. Bedside chats with sexperts and wellness thought leaders 235 00:17:23.279 --> 00:17:27.279 about the many and unique approaches to sex and pleasure. All will keep you 236 00:17:27.319 --> 00:17:32.359 curious, informed, and of course having fun. You can expect topics like 237 00:17:32.839 --> 00:17:37.960 friend breakups, ghosting, tips from sex therapists, and explorations into the energetics 238 00:17:37.960 --> 00:17:41.920 around love, partnership, and sexuality. Tune into Bedside wherever podcasts are found. 239 00:17:42.200 --> 00:17:47.720 Available on all streaming platforms. Bedside is your go to resource for all 240 00:17:47.759 --> 00:17:53.799 things good sex. How to navigate when the queer community is small and everyone 241 00:17:53.960 --> 00:17:57.920 stated everyone, this is the magic answer of the day. But talk about 242 00:17:57.960 --> 00:18:03.480 it. Talk about it with the new person that you're seeing who has seen 243 00:18:03.519 --> 00:18:06.839 somebody else that you know. Talk about what that's like for you. Ask 244 00:18:06.920 --> 00:18:11.000 them what it's like for them. If the person that they've dated is somebody 245 00:18:11.039 --> 00:18:15.319 that you know and maybe care about, talk about it with them too, 246 00:18:15.640 --> 00:18:18.160 right, Like, I think many of us were raised and taught to be 247 00:18:18.200 --> 00:18:22.400 like super hush hush when this happens, Like the less information that gets out, 248 00:18:22.400 --> 00:18:26.559 the better, that's the most protective way that we can be. And 249 00:18:26.640 --> 00:18:30.519 I don't actually think that's the case. I think it's going to hurt the 250 00:18:30.559 --> 00:18:33.920 person either way, if they're if they're a person who you know orients relationships 251 00:18:33.920 --> 00:18:37.160 in a way that would be hurtful. It's going to hurt them either way. 252 00:18:37.759 --> 00:18:41.319 Better that they've find out through like an intentional check in or conversation. 253 00:18:41.440 --> 00:18:48.119 Then a surprise when you're walking and drunk to a dance party and unable to 254 00:18:48.319 --> 00:18:49.920 a tune. Now that's not to say that every time you date somebody you 255 00:18:49.960 --> 00:18:53.640 have to go talk to everybody else who's ever dated them, But yeah, 256 00:18:53.960 --> 00:18:57.200 if there are certain people that bring up anxiety or give you a tinge of 257 00:18:57.240 --> 00:19:00.920 guilt, don't hide from it. I think I think face it, have 258 00:19:02.039 --> 00:19:06.160 the conversation, have a conversation when when you're grounded, instead of when it 259 00:19:06.160 --> 00:19:10.160 happens out of nowhere, when you're not expecting it. It can feel inevitable 260 00:19:10.519 --> 00:19:15.240 to run into this when dating in a queer community. And I think like 261 00:19:15.720 --> 00:19:18.640 even in large cities, right like living in LA and like acknowledging what the 262 00:19:18.720 --> 00:19:22.799 queer scene is like here, and especially like the black queer scene is just 263 00:19:22.880 --> 00:19:26.640 like it just gets smaller and smaller, so the chance that this is going 264 00:19:26.680 --> 00:19:30.799 to happen gets larger and larger. And I think that at some point, 265 00:19:30.039 --> 00:19:34.640 like my friends and I just kind of acknowledge it and laugh about it and 266 00:19:34.759 --> 00:19:38.000 just be like, you know, like everybody, everybody's slacked, everybody, 267 00:19:38.000 --> 00:19:41.400 and it just is kind of like I think it's a very unique experience that 268 00:19:41.480 --> 00:19:47.359 queer folks have of being like saying a name and then just like seeing whose 269 00:19:47.400 --> 00:19:48.720 eyes light up in the room and be like, so, who who do 270 00:19:48.799 --> 00:19:52.480 you? So you know that what did you? But like, I think 271 00:19:52.519 --> 00:19:57.119 that it kind of feels so special in a way. I'm just like we're 272 00:19:57.160 --> 00:20:03.519 all kind of like have this connection and that we have an established community that 273 00:20:03.759 --> 00:20:08.359 feels safe or feels reliable that we can be like, oh, there are 274 00:20:08.400 --> 00:20:14.400 people here that we all know that we all might have relationships with there might 275 00:20:14.440 --> 00:20:18.160 be overlapped or might not. I think it's also great because you do get 276 00:20:18.160 --> 00:20:22.160 to get more information on other people. So it's for somebody who's nosy like 277 00:20:22.240 --> 00:20:25.559 me, is great because that could be like, Okay, tell me everything. 278 00:20:26.640 --> 00:20:30.440 So I don't know. I think it's okay to like lean into that 279 00:20:30.519 --> 00:20:34.359 and then negotiate your own boundaries with what that looks like for you, Like 280 00:20:34.480 --> 00:20:41.519 maybe if it's like a best friend of a best friend or a tumultuous of 281 00:20:41.759 --> 00:20:47.400 other tumultuous X or just figure out where your degrees of separation are and where 282 00:20:47.400 --> 00:20:51.920 your boundaries are around that and you'll be good. I'm just thinking about, 283 00:20:51.960 --> 00:20:55.680 like one way that I think this shows up and does veer on the side 284 00:20:55.680 --> 00:21:00.000 of like a little bit toxic is people dating people that other people a quickmun 285 00:21:00.119 --> 00:21:03.200 to know in order to get a rise out of them or purposefully make them 286 00:21:03.240 --> 00:21:07.319 moote. You know, I've totally seen this happen. Like a queer person 287 00:21:07.680 --> 00:21:11.720 goes through a breakup and they're still deeply in love with their ex and they 288 00:21:11.759 --> 00:21:14.640 want, like they're kind of wanting to use some kind of like protest behavior 289 00:21:14.680 --> 00:21:18.880 to get their ex close again, and so they purposefully like go after somebody 290 00:21:18.920 --> 00:21:22.680 that their X has been with before. As a wit, I just feel 291 00:21:22.720 --> 00:21:26.759 like sometimes we, you know, not all of us. I'm sure I've 292 00:21:26.759 --> 00:21:30.279 been here before too, but like sometimes I think there's these opportunities for triangulation 293 00:21:30.400 --> 00:21:34.319 that we need to be careful about. So obviously there's feeling, Casey, 294 00:21:34.400 --> 00:21:37.119 I feel like you have been that person, not the person to do this, 295 00:21:37.160 --> 00:21:41.519 but the person that the other person is trying to date to get a 296 00:21:41.599 --> 00:21:44.559 rise out of somebody and be like, oh, I'm dating Casey now, 297 00:21:44.640 --> 00:21:48.000 So I'll tell you. I'll tell you what did happen to me one time 298 00:21:48.119 --> 00:21:53.559 is I'd just like broken up with my partner and I threw this party with 299 00:21:53.599 --> 00:21:57.160 like twenty three gay strangers that I met on dating apps. I literally just 300 00:21:57.160 --> 00:22:00.160 sent them all links to this WhatsApp group and invited them all over to like 301 00:22:00.200 --> 00:22:04.640 watch the L Word. One of them invited my X as their date to 302 00:22:04.680 --> 00:22:08.799 that party like two days after the breakup, and my X knew that it 303 00:22:08.880 --> 00:22:15.720 was my party and still showed up. What how? Like how this is 304 00:22:15.759 --> 00:22:21.160 so long ago? I remember it? But why? Why? Right? 305 00:22:22.160 --> 00:22:25.920 Drama? Drama? Drama? Drama, drama. I know you're right. 306 00:22:26.240 --> 00:22:27.440 I was telling the story as if I was, like, you know, 307 00:22:27.519 --> 00:22:34.119 an objective expert. But you're like, I could this happened? Yeah, 308 00:22:34.119 --> 00:22:41.720 I don't know. You caught me. You caught me. I'm in my 309 00:22:41.759 --> 00:22:45.880 first woman loving woman relationship and I miss aggressive mask sex, and I don't 310 00:22:45.880 --> 00:22:52.480 know if this is combat or not. There have been these archetypes of what 311 00:22:52.559 --> 00:22:55.839 relationships look like and what we're exposed to, right, And I think that 312 00:22:55.920 --> 00:23:00.039 this is also one of the pitfalls of not having a lot of examples of 313 00:23:00.119 --> 00:23:03.960 queer relationships. You know, we have things like the L word, or 314 00:23:03.000 --> 00:23:07.480 we have women loving women porn or lesbian porn for example, that look a 315 00:23:07.559 --> 00:23:12.079 very particular way, and so I think that we're kind of being told like 316 00:23:12.799 --> 00:23:21.839 dominant or aggressive sex is associated with mask folks, it's associated with men and 317 00:23:21.960 --> 00:23:27.079 I think that that comes from also like like heteronormativity and also violence. I 318 00:23:27.119 --> 00:23:30.799 think, to be honest, like men are seen as it like, the 319 00:23:30.960 --> 00:23:36.640 perpetrators of violence and aggression, and so it's like that can only happen with 320 00:23:36.680 --> 00:23:41.960 them. Also, it's not wrong to want aggressive, more dominant partnership. 321 00:23:42.359 --> 00:23:48.400 I think it's just worth interrogating within yourself to be like, is this person 322 00:23:48.799 --> 00:23:53.599 capable of meeting my sexual needs? And that can be another woman. This 323 00:23:53.839 --> 00:24:00.400 experience of not being able to access aggression or dominance in kind of like from 324 00:24:00.440 --> 00:24:04.759 a societal lens. So I think that a lot of women find empowerment and 325 00:24:04.920 --> 00:24:08.880 being more dominant, and so I think it's more about asking your partner or 326 00:24:10.240 --> 00:24:15.240 figuring out what you want from sex and how to get it with your partner. 327 00:24:15.680 --> 00:24:19.759 Yeah, couldn't agree more with all of that. I think that there 328 00:24:19.880 --> 00:24:22.400 is both. On one hand, the reality that I think there is like 329 00:24:22.440 --> 00:24:29.119 a dumb masked shortage amongst women, that it absolutely exists. But when you 330 00:24:29.160 --> 00:24:32.759 compare if we're talking about women loving women, when you compare like women who 331 00:24:32.799 --> 00:24:34.960 are excited about being Sebbie and women are excited about being dons. Like, 332 00:24:36.079 --> 00:24:38.000 I do think that that there isn't a fifty fifty balance, And so I 333 00:24:38.000 --> 00:24:41.720 do think a lot of people have this experience in relationship and it's not because 334 00:24:41.720 --> 00:24:47.039 of their gender. It's like because of that socialization. Because of socialization, 335 00:24:48.359 --> 00:24:52.960 there's a shortage. Also, at the same time, I think a lot 336 00:24:52.000 --> 00:24:57.400 of us are are afraid of compht and for good reasons. And also, 337 00:24:57.400 --> 00:25:03.200 bisexuality is real and maybe times that you actually like do want to go have 338 00:25:03.799 --> 00:25:07.119 sex with the man and miss that right, and that doesn't make you less 339 00:25:07.160 --> 00:25:11.599 queer. It doesn't mean that this partner that you're currently with can't be great 340 00:25:11.640 --> 00:25:17.599 for you. So maybe also part of the answer is like every every partner 341 00:25:17.640 --> 00:25:21.640 that you have isn't going to one hundred percent be everything that you need, 342 00:25:21.680 --> 00:25:26.680 and it's not because of their gender. And we can also name that you 343 00:25:26.759 --> 00:25:30.759 might find yourself missing and wishing for things outside of that, whether it has 344 00:25:30.799 --> 00:25:34.559 to do with another gender or or more dominance or more of an initiator. 345 00:25:34.920 --> 00:25:40.799 I also think that we tend to associate men, or specifically people with penises 346 00:25:41.200 --> 00:25:45.519 as easier to please, easier to turn on, easier to see when they're 347 00:25:45.519 --> 00:25:48.119 turned on, easier to know when they're finished, right, like, these 348 00:25:48.200 --> 00:25:52.000 are these are stories that we have And I do think that sometimes when you 349 00:25:52.039 --> 00:25:56.319 know, maybe you're dating somebody who has a vulva for the first time, 350 00:25:56.680 --> 00:26:02.440 like you're getting used to adapt kind of shifting your narrow away from that and 351 00:26:03.079 --> 00:26:08.440 finding different ways of self validating in that relationship. So I think it's I 352 00:26:08.440 --> 00:26:14.319 think it's layered, and I think it also has to do with sometimes missing 353 00:26:14.720 --> 00:26:18.599 not the reality of what a male partner would be like, but the sort 354 00:26:18.640 --> 00:26:22.319 of fantasy narrative of a male partner who knows what he wants, initiates the 355 00:26:22.400 --> 00:26:26.359 right way. It's like, how much of that is actually real? So 356 00:26:26.519 --> 00:26:30.599 I think there's a couple of questions worth asking. Those are all wonderful points. 357 00:26:30.759 --> 00:26:37.319 Thank you. Do you have advice for being out on dating apps but 358 00:26:37.480 --> 00:26:44.240 not out to your friends? I think this is a super understandable experience that 359 00:26:44.640 --> 00:26:49.240 instead of wanting to come out first in relationships that feel consequential, that you 360 00:26:49.319 --> 00:26:52.400 might decide that first you want to dip your toe into coming out to other 361 00:26:52.480 --> 00:26:57.160 queer folks who don't have a role in your life yet, right, And 362 00:26:57.200 --> 00:27:02.440 so it's totally okay. I think if you do live in a place where 363 00:27:02.480 --> 00:27:07.119 a friend is likely to come across your profile because it can and it does 364 00:27:07.200 --> 00:27:11.799 happen, even if their settings aren't to see people of your gender, it 365 00:27:11.839 --> 00:27:15.119 can and does happen. So I would just have a conversation with yourself that 366 00:27:15.160 --> 00:27:18.640 says like, hey, this could happen, and what's the worst thing that 367 00:27:18.759 --> 00:27:22.440 would happen if that were true? And it might be that there is a 368 00:27:22.440 --> 00:27:26.960 really bad thing that could happen, and that's worth thinking about. More likely 369 00:27:26.680 --> 00:27:30.279 you can prepare yourself or what that conversation would be like. Now, it's 370 00:27:30.319 --> 00:27:34.880 actually unlikely that that person would approach you about it. I think oftentimes when 371 00:27:34.880 --> 00:27:38.000 we see that, we don't immediately go text somebody being like, wait a 372 00:27:38.039 --> 00:27:41.599 second, are you gay? Now? Maybe they do, Maybe they do, 373 00:27:41.680 --> 00:27:47.359 But if for no other reason than to soothe your own anxiety as you 374 00:27:47.400 --> 00:27:51.160 go through this experience, have that little bit of a backup plan. What 375 00:27:51.200 --> 00:27:53.400 would you say? What would you say? Write it down so that if 376 00:27:53.440 --> 00:27:57.480 the moment comes and you get into sort of like peak anxiety, that you 377 00:27:57.920 --> 00:28:00.720 have this sort of grounding statement that you can say, and it doesn't have 378 00:28:00.799 --> 00:28:04.599 to be the truth. I think in this situation, it doesn't have to 379 00:28:04.599 --> 00:28:07.039 be the truth. If you're not ready to come out, you say whatever 380 00:28:07.079 --> 00:28:11.680 you want period. I love that. I think it acknowledges like the different 381 00:28:11.720 --> 00:28:17.160 parts that we have and what parts of us feel available to what spaces and 382 00:28:17.200 --> 00:28:22.000 what place is, Like your queerness may feel more available to access when you're 383 00:28:22.720 --> 00:28:27.519 on a more explicitly queer dating app or even on a hinge or something like 384 00:28:27.640 --> 00:28:33.440 field or someplace where that is just like, this is my identity here. 385 00:28:33.680 --> 00:28:37.400 And then you might have other friendships and other communities where you have a different 386 00:28:37.440 --> 00:28:41.440 part of yourselves. And I think that that is okay, because what I'm 387 00:28:41.480 --> 00:28:47.400 hearing here is somebody who has multiple different needs, a need for friendship and 388 00:28:47.440 --> 00:28:51.319 community, the need to explore sextuality, and is meeting both of those needs. 389 00:28:51.680 --> 00:28:56.720 And when they coalesce, they coalesce so beautifully said, how can I 390 00:28:56.720 --> 00:29:02.920 communicate needs and boundaries with dates and partners within going too deep too fast? 391 00:29:03.599 --> 00:29:07.319 So I think this person wants to know how do I set boundaries so that 392 00:29:07.359 --> 00:29:10.880 we don't go too deep too fast something like that. This is a really 393 00:29:10.880 --> 00:29:15.480 good question and it kind of has me thinking about myself with dating. And 394 00:29:15.559 --> 00:29:18.640 I don't know if it's like my scorpio nature but like I feel like when 395 00:29:18.720 --> 00:29:25.039 I'm getting to know somebody, I'm either like like poker face, like not 396 00:29:25.200 --> 00:29:30.519 giving anything, or I'm just like here's everything. Or so I think that 397 00:29:30.559 --> 00:29:33.720 it's this is a good question because it has me thinking about balance, which 398 00:29:33.759 --> 00:29:37.440 is something I struggle with. But I think that there are ways to communicate 399 00:29:37.559 --> 00:29:45.519 needs and boundaries in a way that doesn't also leave you completely exposed and vulnerable, 400 00:29:45.559 --> 00:29:48.119 because I think that that is a fear that this person is having of 401 00:29:48.119 --> 00:29:52.559 like how to protect myself when dating, and so I think that there's ways 402 00:29:52.680 --> 00:29:57.599 to incorporate your boundaries that also set the stage for this is how I talk 403 00:29:57.640 --> 00:30:02.559 to people that I'm interested in. I have conversations about boundaries. I have 404 00:30:02.640 --> 00:30:06.920 conversations about unmet needs, and I think that that allows you also to see 405 00:30:06.960 --> 00:30:11.079 what that other person or people are capable of, and so if they're capable 406 00:30:11.119 --> 00:30:14.720 of being like cool like word, I have the same boundary, or I've 407 00:30:14.759 --> 00:30:17.119 never thought about it that way, but I want to, Or if somebody's 408 00:30:17.160 --> 00:30:21.559 like that's you're doing too much, then you know that that person might not 409 00:30:21.640 --> 00:30:25.200 be able to meet you where you are in a very important place for you, 410 00:30:25.240 --> 00:30:27.759 and that that might not be a good partnership for you to continue to 411 00:30:27.759 --> 00:30:33.559 explore. For somebody who has had the experience of feeling like they've gone too 412 00:30:33.640 --> 00:30:36.880 deep, too fast in the past, which it sounds like this person has, 413 00:30:37.440 --> 00:30:40.440 I would be thinking about a couple of things. One, how soon 414 00:30:40.680 --> 00:30:44.960 do you meet up in person after meeting on, let's say, an app. 415 00:30:45.000 --> 00:30:48.240 I think sometimes when we spend a lot of time texting or on an 416 00:30:48.240 --> 00:30:52.880 app before meeting someone in person, we aren't necessarily attuned to the reality of 417 00:30:52.880 --> 00:30:57.200 the situation. We are more you know, there's so much more room to 418 00:30:57.240 --> 00:31:02.960 project when we're in that place, and sometimes what we end up projecting is 419 00:31:02.960 --> 00:31:04.799 is a fantasy, right, like the fantasy of what this could be, 420 00:31:04.799 --> 00:31:08.519 because we have so little information that we can imagine all the amazing things that 421 00:31:08.599 --> 00:31:11.839 could be. And I think sometimes it's that fantasy that makes us go really 422 00:31:11.880 --> 00:31:15.119 deep, really fast. Right if this this person could be my everything. 423 00:31:15.400 --> 00:31:19.839 I think there's a different a different thing if more of a fear fantasy that 424 00:31:19.920 --> 00:31:25.119 makes people give too much too fast. And it's if I don't share everything 425 00:31:25.119 --> 00:31:27.240 about me right now, right up front, they're gonna, you know, 426 00:31:27.279 --> 00:31:30.839 they're going to reject me later. And I'm going to have wasted all of 427 00:31:30.880 --> 00:31:33.519 my time, And I think that can also end up being a self fulfilling 428 00:31:33.519 --> 00:31:37.799 prophecy. You're sort of pitching. You're pitching the negative parts of yourself early 429 00:31:37.880 --> 00:31:41.079 on, right, like that off it doesn't go well. Um, So 430 00:31:41.240 --> 00:31:45.680 I would advise meeting up in person or doing a FaceTime sooner rather than later. 431 00:31:47.039 --> 00:31:52.119 I would be aware of the consistency and persistency of your communication. Like, 432 00:31:52.319 --> 00:31:57.519 oh, consistency and persistency, okay, right? Just like watch watch 433 00:31:57.519 --> 00:32:01.920 how much you're texting? Like s are you suddenly doing that all day every 434 00:32:02.000 --> 00:32:07.039 day instead of living like the other elements of your life that keep you grounded 435 00:32:07.079 --> 00:32:12.039 and attuned to yourself. How often are you hanging out? And what kind 436 00:32:12.039 --> 00:32:14.839 of hangouts? Right? If you like go away for a weekend the first 437 00:32:14.880 --> 00:32:19.279 month, you're setting yourself up to go pretty deep. So these aren't hard 438 00:32:19.319 --> 00:32:22.599 and fast rules. We don't need to be rigid about it. But I 439 00:32:22.680 --> 00:32:25.720 am this person. I do go too deep too fast, And when I 440 00:32:25.759 --> 00:32:31.759 ask myself where I went wrong, it's always that I was in constant communication. 441 00:32:32.119 --> 00:32:37.440 I texted for weeks before. Are you you're nodding like I'm describing you. 442 00:32:37.920 --> 00:32:42.799 I was also Latin, because ET's face when you're describing was like so 443 00:32:43.079 --> 00:32:50.920 deeply. They were like Ets our podcast coordinator, seems like they're feeling called 444 00:32:50.960 --> 00:32:55.720 out right now see bat light. Yeah, just you know, I'll tell 445 00:32:55.720 --> 00:33:00.119 you one thing. When I'm in that space of that new relationship energy, 446 00:33:00.279 --> 00:33:02.799 the last thing I want is anybody in my life telling me that I'm going 447 00:33:02.839 --> 00:33:07.759 too much, too fat. It's like, fuck off, do not tell 448 00:33:07.799 --> 00:33:10.240 me that. It is hard to hear. It's really hard to hear. 449 00:33:10.359 --> 00:33:15.200 So I appreciate the question because it sounds like you know yourself, and yeah, 450 00:33:15.240 --> 00:33:19.400 be real with yourself, be real with yourself. Yeah. No, 451 00:33:19.559 --> 00:33:22.079 when I'm into somebody, I am just like I am glued to my phone 452 00:33:22.079 --> 00:33:25.799 and I'm just like whatever, I'm just texting like the I'm just I cannot 453 00:33:27.319 --> 00:33:30.200 stop. Oh my gosh. I'm like, I don't care about anything else. 454 00:33:30.400 --> 00:33:37.720 Like, I am fully into this so I feel that we can all 455 00:33:38.000 --> 00:33:46.279 strong, and I hate it. I am not physically attracted to the person 456 00:33:46.359 --> 00:33:51.880 I'm sleeping with. Am I a bad person? No, you're not a 457 00:33:51.920 --> 00:33:59.160 bad person. I love the Am I a bad person? Questions? Well, 458 00:33:59.240 --> 00:34:02.039 isn't it interesting that that's where our head goes right like, yeah, 459 00:34:02.160 --> 00:34:07.159 this is happening. Am I a bad person? Like? Amazing how quickly 460 00:34:07.199 --> 00:34:13.079 we jumped to it our entire being being bad because we're having an experience that 461 00:34:13.159 --> 00:34:15.559 nobody has talked about with us before. I feel like I never struggle with 462 00:34:15.639 --> 00:34:20.159 that. I know people right about it. I feel like I'm just like 463 00:34:20.360 --> 00:34:23.800 people. I was like, No, this is fine, probably more than 464 00:34:24.360 --> 00:34:28.599 I No, I'm right. I think you've got just the right amount of 465 00:34:28.639 --> 00:34:32.559 egostring. Now we all can learn from it. No, you're not a 466 00:34:32.599 --> 00:34:37.719 bad person. And also you said you're not physically attracted, and there's so 467 00:34:37.760 --> 00:34:39.599 many different kinds of attraction. You might be romantically attracted. You might be 468 00:34:39.639 --> 00:34:45.719 attracted to their taste in music, their sense of humor. You might like 469 00:34:45.880 --> 00:34:49.199 find I don't know, you might find the way that they dress and express 470 00:34:49.239 --> 00:34:52.840 their gender really hot. Right, So doesn't have to be this sort of 471 00:34:52.840 --> 00:34:58.360 like sexual physical attraction that we're socialized to think as a prerequisite to wanting to 472 00:34:58.400 --> 00:35:00.639 have sex with somebody. I mean, you, I want to have sex 473 00:35:00.639 --> 00:35:04.159 with somebody simply because they know a skill that you find hot and you want 474 00:35:04.199 --> 00:35:07.880 to experience, you know, being tied up for the first time. Right. 475 00:35:07.559 --> 00:35:12.920 As long as it's not like I'm not into them at all, then 476 00:35:13.639 --> 00:35:15.639 then you're okay. If there's a way that you're into them, it doesn't 477 00:35:15.639 --> 00:35:20.039 have to be a particular way. Now, Yeah, if they're you know, 478 00:35:20.039 --> 00:35:22.599 if you know that they're looking for a long term partner who has physical 479 00:35:22.639 --> 00:35:27.320 attraction to them, well that needs to probably be a conversation. I like 480 00:35:27.440 --> 00:35:30.280 that. And I think also just recognizing, like where what need is this 481 00:35:30.599 --> 00:35:36.840 filling of yours? Like it's doing something. You're having sex with this person 482 00:35:36.880 --> 00:35:38.519 for some reason, And like you said, it could be a skill, 483 00:35:38.599 --> 00:35:42.960 it could be like the way that they smell. It could be that you 484 00:35:43.039 --> 00:35:46.320 really like their mattress, Like I don't know, there's a lot of reason 485 00:35:50.280 --> 00:35:53.079 somebody with a really bomb bed and you're just like, I just really want 486 00:35:53.119 --> 00:35:57.039 to be up all up in this bed. I like these sheets, I 487 00:35:57.119 --> 00:36:00.239 like this thread count like I like it. You don't know this about Camille, 488 00:36:00.280 --> 00:36:04.679 but Camille like literally FaceTime me to show me her bed because she's so 489 00:36:04.760 --> 00:36:09.039 proudate, No, I've loved this conversation. I didn't know how much we'd 490 00:36:09.039 --> 00:36:13.239 have to actually share about it, since neither one of us are very deep 491 00:36:13.239 --> 00:36:15.840 and queer Dating right now, But I feel like we did a great job. 492 00:36:22.119 --> 00:36:25.880 This week's Safe for It is Fuco, as in the Philosopher, and 493 00:36:27.159 --> 00:36:35.760 this was suggested from the librarian digging, so I was like a paleontologist. 494 00:36:35.800 --> 00:36:39.239 That's what comes to mind for me. Yeah, with the hat, Yeah, 495 00:36:39.239 --> 00:36:43.599 with the hat, the very specific hat. Yes, I love it. 496 00:36:43.719 --> 00:36:47.000 I love FUCO. Great. Safe for It is hosted by Casey Tanner 497 00:36:47.000 --> 00:36:51.880 and Kamil Lewis and is produced by coordinator et Townsend. Our theme song is 498 00:36:51.920 --> 00:36:54.480 written and performed by Emma Jane and Toria Rainey. To support the show, 499 00:36:54.519 --> 00:36:58.760 please follow us on Spotify take a moment right now to give us five stars. 500 00:36:59.000 --> 00:37:01.519 We also love raybe views, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to 501 00:37:01.559 --> 00:37:07.440 podcasts. Every other week we put a question box out on Instagram giving you 502 00:37:07.480 --> 00:37:10.559 the opportunity to ask for advice on the topic at hand. To submit long 503 00:37:10.599 --> 00:37:15.480 form questions in writing or your own voice, go to the Safe Word pod 504 00:37:15.559 --> 00:37:19.960 or Queer Sex Therapy Instagram page and click on our link tree in the bio 505 00:37:20.039 --> 00:37:24.119 to write out longer questions. If anything today made you curious about seeking support, 506 00:37:24.199 --> 00:37:28.679 The Expansive Group has a great team of therapists and mentors to discuss challenges 507 00:37:28.719 --> 00:37:31.360 you might be facing. Go to the expansivegroup dot com, submit a contact 508 00:37:31.360 --> 00:37:36.480 form and we'll help you get connected. Four behind the scenes look at safe 509 00:37:36.480 --> 00:37:39.960 Word and podcasts updates. Please find us on Instagram at safe word pod. 510 00:37:40.599 --> 00:37:44.440 We'll be back in two weeks with a new episode of Safe Word