I'm Casey Tanner and I'm Camille Lewis, and this is safe for It.
Safe for it is sex therapy unhinged because instead of being a blank slate that's
just here to support you, we're telling you the details on our own sex
lives, relationships, identities, and more. This isn't sex and it's not
therapy, but we are sex therapists and what you hear today make site you.
Each week we tackle a theme related to sex, relationships, gender and
more. This week we're diving into the theme queer dating. M Yes,
we're darting, also diving into eight hundred different parent trap quotes. We've been
riffing my parent trap Meredith Blake lovers anyone? Oh yes, yes, yes,
queer dating, Camille. I haven't asked you about your dating life in
weeks. Any queer dating on your radar? I'm not. That's a great
question. I feel like my dating life in the past couple of weeks has
been interesting but also not very remarkable. Um, I'm trying to date.
I'm trying to have more intention around dating, but nothing has materialized yet because
I think I'm just a little bit it disinterested kind of I guess just like,
don't feel the time and energy right now. Yeah, I just don't
feel the time and energy like I think in an ideal world, I would
be dating. But then I go on the apps or I talk to somebody,
and then I'm just like, never mind. That's how I feel.
Every time I think about whether or not I want to have kids, I'm
like, oh, like I should think about a sperm door I should think
about, and then every time I do, I'm like, I really don't
want to, Like I'm too tired, too tired, too tired, You're
tired. And I relate so much to those like memes and things that are
like me expecting to find a partner while just like sitting in my house and
not talking to anybody I'm doing. I'm just like, where are they?
Like they should just arrive here, bang down my door and just be like
here I am. I'm perfect. I'm just picturing you as like a duchess
with like your shooters lining out the door. This is what we need.
That is an accurate picture. That is also how I picture. I feel
like we could we could source some suitors. I don't think it would be
hard, Camille. I'm not mad at that idea. Okay, well,
let's circle back on. Put it on our meeting agenda. In the meeting
agenda, you know, slide into my DMS listen nerves. I don't know,
TBD on that. Give it some thought. What is the power dynamic
between a podcaster and their listeners? Oh, I don't know. Could go
either way. It could go either way. I don't know that. I'm
super stoked. Okay, all right, again circle back. But maybe I
don't know. For the right listener, for the right listener. You never
know what about you. You just had a birthday, You're just traveling.
I did, I did. I also, I proposed to mouth so I
did my wait? I know how am I just finding out? I know?
It was so low key because she wanted it. Actually, I can
tell you the story. Yeah. Hello, She was like, I just
want something super low key, just the two of us, mydeal world.
As we wake up and you roll over and you propose and that's that.
And I was like, okay, so we're in Costa Rica. I'm like,
that's what I'm gonna do. She doesn't even know I have the ring
yet, but I like bring it through, you know, through the airport.
I like hide it in the little bedside table, and I'm you know,
I've got it planned. I'm going to propose we're going to meet her
family for lunch. My sister's got my niece like dressed in this cute little
onesie that says like be my aunt, and we were going to call her
after and just like do a lot of cute things. But I wake up
the morning of I roll over and I say, honey, I'm so excited
to spend the morning with you, and she goes, oh, I can't.
This is the one morning of vacation that I told my team i'd be
online. I was like, what, Like, you don't even have like
twenty minutes just but no, I told him i'd be online like thirty minutes
ago. So she gets online. We're like making coffee. I'm like,
okay, maybe we can go on a walk and then we can go to
lunch. She's like, no, I have these leftovers from last night.
I really want to eat them. I really don't want to go out for
lunch. I was like, oh my god. So of course I'm texting
her parents being like it's not happening, Like stand down, you know,
I'm like, take the onesie off of James, my niece. Then finally,
Malgory used to go on a walk with me. I'm like, okay,
I guess I'm I'm doing this on the walk. We go on a
walk, we go to like what's called like the sloth Territory where you can
go look at sloths in the jungle. That was the nearby walk. We
go there, They're like, oh, it's closed and you can't use any
of the walking paths, and we're like okay. So finally we literally just
walked down the street and I'm like, I'm just doing it. I can't
like I'm just doing it. So basically on like a driveway, I got
down on one knee and she was so happy and she was like this is
perfect. And I was like, you made this so hard for me.
And then she was like, I don't think I want to go to lunch
with my parents. I'm like, great, I'll let them know I've been
pushing like perfect. So it was chaotic, but she thought it was perfect.
So oh, that's so sweet. It is it? You don't have
to say that, No, I think it's very sweet. Also that her
idea of like a proposal is my exact that's exactly what I want. Really,
I wouldn't never have guessed that about you, Camille, I know,
I know. I feel like people would assume I want like a big public
production. Yea, yes I would, I I know. No, Wow,
I want to be in a hotel room, a very fancy one in
a very fancy not us place, and a really large ring because I'm trying
to like I want to fuck immediately after, immediately after, and like some
sort of contact with genitals immediately after. Proposal. Can't do that if I'm
like at a restaurant cannon you have before. But I hear you it's true,
that's true, but like not in an uninhabited right, more uninhibited.
But that's that's what I think now to be a very particular proposal, for
it to be in public and for me not to be. Yeah. Well
you when you added the big ring in and then you added the fancy hotel
and you added the international destination, suddenly it did become a believable there you
going, yeah, and then like then we can have a fancy thing like
rafter, but like not during that moment, you know, But of course
I want the fancy things and lots of attention. Yeah, of course,
as a new queer, how and when should I share that this is my
first queer dating experience. I feel like this is a question that we got
a lot of in various variations because of the impact of shame on identity.
There can be a lot of shame with this type of experience and feeling like
a novice and feeling new to something and feeling embarrassment about it. And I
think that there is part of me that really resonates with this and how I
think that most have when you know, venturing into queer dating, if it's
new for them at some point, and I think that it's just like appreciating
where you are, appreciating that this is something that you feel excited by,
acknowledging if there's nerves when we think about like telling somebody like it's a disclosure,
rather than like sharing it and just being like, yeah, I'm kind
of new to this and I'm excited by this, or I'm really looking forward
to these things about it, rather than kind of being like, this is
what I'm going to suck at and I don't know how to do this,
and you're going to judge me for that, and just being like, this
is what I'm this is what I'm bringing to the table. Yeah, that's
one I'm bringing to the table. Having relational history prepares you for any sort
of other relationships, even if you even if it's your first time dating anybody.
You've had friendships, you've had family relationships, you've had classmates. So
just thinking about like this is just another kind of relationship, and you will
learn and learn yourself within the context of this relationship as you would with anything
else. And it's okay to be new. I love that you're pointing out
that we often sort of zero in on lack of queer experience without realizing we,
like the people you date, are also going to bring a lack of
experience to the table. It's just going to be different lack of experience.
It could be lack of kink experience, lack of non monogamy experience, lack
of dating somebody with divorce parents experience. Right like we are, we have
a variety of lack of experience, and I think we tend to zero in
on being new to queer dating. I also think that any disclosure or thing
that you share when you get to know somebody, my rule of thumb is
don't lie and mainly you don't owe them all the information about you, so
as long as you're not lying, Like, it's okay to decide when you're
going to share things, and it's okay to titrate up honesty, right,
So like, first level honesty could be, yeah, I'm kind of new
to queer dating, like this is a little bit new for me. Next
level queer honesty could be like, you're actually, you know, the first
person I've gone on a date with. Right, third level, like you
can decide what are the different levels of vulnerability and at which stage of engaging
do I feel safe to kind of shift to the next level. So it's
also not an all or nothing share. Yeah, I really love that.
And I also think that the lack of experience also translates in like, this
is their first time dating you, this is your first time dating them.
Even if they've only had queer dating experiences, they've never experienced dating you.
So that's kind of the novelty of dating anybody, is there is nervousness and
then there's excitement and it kind of all swirls up. How to get overheat
roles when dating the same gender. This is something I'm still working on.
In my own life. Every time I think I've sort of pieced apart,
like compet in my own relationships, I realize another way that I'm engaging in
it, even in being in queer relationships for ten years. So even having
experienced doesn't mean that you know how to do all of this stuff. I
think the first step is just taking note of it and trying not to judge
yourself recognizing I was I was trained this way. I was literally trained to
think this way, So no need to judge. You're not like a shitty,
horrible person, but you might be a heteronormative person like like many of
us are, right, most of us are. If you can name it
to the people that you're seeing, if there's particular accountability that you're excited to
ask about around it, that could be. Hey, sometimes I noticed that
I like equate masculinity and dominance, and that's sort of how I was trained
to think about it, and I'm really working on feeling like I can be
both feminine and dominant. And if you notice me kind of falling into that
trap, feel free to invite me into a different way of thinking about it.
So I think you know I'm trying. This is sort of a wider
framework I've been thinking about lately as like accountability that is actually really exciting,
and accountability that is that is like super warm and relational. And so I
feel like this is an example of a way that you could ask for accountability
that is non shaming and about moving into a more expansive way of being with
yourself. And so I think talk about it, talk about it, talk
about talk about the examples you've had in your life of things that you are
excited about being more like and examples of falling into this trap that you're trying
to stay away from. Right, just talk about it. I really like
what you said about inviting that person in to be like call me, call
me out, or call me in when these things show up, so that
they are also aware of that kind of unlearning process that is kind of lifelong.
You know, compet is a thing for a reason. We've been conditioned
and socialized in this way that has us think very narrowly around expectations and roles,
and we get to expand them. And I think you in general,
you get to make the rules of your relationship, and some of them also
may look similar to gender roles that may happen, and that does not mean
that you are less queer or less valid. There may be things that different
partners excel at, like to do, feel good about, so these things
may come up. And it's also giving yourself, I think, permission to
be Like I was taught that this was like a very gender role kind of
narrative, but this is actually what works for me and my relationship and that's
okay. It's queer because work queer, and this is fine, and these
are the things that make our relationship work for us, So you get to
make the rules. How often do we fall into heteronormative roles not because we
align with the heteronormativity, but because we're anxious and this is the way that
this is the role that we know how to play, right, Like,
you're out on a date and one person is more mask and the assumption that
you know gets put out there is that the mass person is going to pay
right. Not necessarily because absolutely either person actually believe that that's what's right,
but because it's like fuck, fuck fuck, what, like whose job is
this? What do I do? I'm happy to do it, but I
don't want to offend them if they right. So often it's not even about
wanting to be heteronormative, it's wanting some kind of guidebook for queer dating.
Well, let's make guidebooks work on it. Safe word guidebook featuring Gilmore girls
and parents. Job, I gotta get some more black references in this experience.
Do you love like a late nineties white due? Oh man? Yikes?
All right, circle back on that as well. Yeah, how do
you casually elude that you're polyamorous and or non monogamous during regular conversation to make
it clear that you're available to date? I just like to throw the word
partners and like just like emphasize the that's multiple in when that is happening,
or like oh, a partner of mine or something like that. Like that's
just the way that I've approached it. I don't know if I'm making it
too oversimplify or be like and they're excited for me, right? I think
that that's another way if you're trying to be like, I'm available to date,
be like, yeah, I was just talking with my partner and they're
really excited about this date. You can also do it, like I think,
like if you're texting, I think lots of things can be easier in
that way and just be like, yeah, so my girlfriend, my partner
or my boyfriend whomever, and you just see kind of like where that lands.
Maybe you could sort of like polyamorous signal by just dropping words like compersion
or metamor just kind of throw them in a conversation or yeah, you know,
walk around the grocery store with the book like Polly Secure, just sort
of hanging out of your purse, right, or tattooed on your foreham.
Yeah, get a tatoo like totally, or a have a phone background that's
a picture of like an Instagram post about polyamory. Like, you know,
let the props do the work for you. That's kind of where I would
lean in, Oh, send a meme, Oh, send a meme,
and just be like, isn't this so funny that this thing that we are
experiencing. And then they'd be like what, yeah, oh my gosh,
my partner this too, and then you're good to go. Oh my gosh,
I love it. I mean I've seen friends kind of you know,
they maybe meet somebody new and they're just like chatting and they'll kind of throw
in a conversation that they recently had with their partner about non monogamy. Oh,
you know, my partner and I were like chatting the other day about
like what kind of check and we want to do. We've just recently opened
our relationship or whatever version of that, so sharing and sharing a story that
illustrates it, I think could also work. We're going to take a quick
break to talk about an amazing show bedside, and I know it's amazing because
a couple of months ago I was a guest in. The conversation is seriously
not to miss. Questions like how do I have better orgasms? Build amazing
relationships? Talking about what does good sex mean? What does that look like
in practice? Each week on Bedside, sex educator Tatiana dells into intimate interviews
and explorations around modern day sex, dating, love and wellness, with the
little manifestations sprinkled in there too. Bedside chats with sexperts and wellness thought leaders
about the many and unique approaches to sex and pleasure. All will keep you
curious, informed, and of course having fun. You can expect topics like
friend breakups, ghosting, tips from sex therapists, and explorations into the energetics
around love, partnership, and sexuality. Tune into Bedside wherever podcasts are found.
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things good sex. How to navigate when the queer community is small and everyone
stated everyone, this is the magic answer of the day. But talk about
it. Talk about it with the new person that you're seeing who has seen
somebody else that you know. Talk about what that's like for you. Ask
them what it's like for them. If the person that they've dated is somebody
that you know and maybe care about, talk about it with them too,
right, Like, I think many of us were raised and taught to be
like super hush hush when this happens, Like the less information that gets out,
the better, that's the most protective way that we can be. And
I don't actually think that's the case. I think it's going to hurt the
person either way, if they're if they're a person who you know orients relationships
in a way that would be hurtful. It's going to hurt them either way.
Better that they've find out through like an intentional check in or conversation.
Then a surprise when you're walking and drunk to a dance party and unable to
a tune. Now that's not to say that every time you date somebody you
have to go talk to everybody else who's ever dated them, But yeah,
if there are certain people that bring up anxiety or give you a tinge of
guilt, don't hide from it. I think I think face it, have
the conversation, have a conversation when when you're grounded, instead of when it
happens out of nowhere, when you're not expecting it. It can feel inevitable
to run into this when dating in a queer community. And I think like
even in large cities, right like living in LA and like acknowledging what the
queer scene is like here, and especially like the black queer scene is just
like it just gets smaller and smaller, so the chance that this is going
to happen gets larger and larger. And I think that at some point,
like my friends and I just kind of acknowledge it and laugh about it and
just be like, you know, like everybody, everybody's slacked, everybody,
and it just is kind of like I think it's a very unique experience that
queer folks have of being like saying a name and then just like seeing whose
eyes light up in the room and be like, so, who who do
you? So you know that what did you? But like, I think
that it kind of feels so special in a way. I'm just like we're
all kind of like have this connection and that we have an established community that
feels safe or feels reliable that we can be like, oh, there are
people here that we all know that we all might have relationships with there might
be overlapped or might not. I think it's also great because you do get
to get more information on other people. So it's for somebody who's nosy like
me, is great because that could be like, Okay, tell me everything.
So I don't know. I think it's okay to like lean into that
and then negotiate your own boundaries with what that looks like for you, Like
maybe if it's like a best friend of a best friend or a tumultuous of
other tumultuous X or just figure out where your degrees of separation are and where
your boundaries are around that and you'll be good. I'm just thinking about,
like one way that I think this shows up and does veer on the side
of like a little bit toxic is people dating people that other people a quickmun
to know in order to get a rise out of them or purposefully make them
moote. You know, I've totally seen this happen. Like a queer person
goes through a breakup and they're still deeply in love with their ex and they
want, like they're kind of wanting to use some kind of like protest behavior
to get their ex close again, and so they purposefully like go after somebody
that their X has been with before. As a wit, I just feel
like sometimes we, you know, not all of us. I'm sure I've
been here before too, but like sometimes I think there's these opportunities for triangulation
that we need to be careful about. So obviously there's feeling, Casey,
I feel like you have been that person, not the person to do this,
but the person that the other person is trying to date to get a
rise out of somebody and be like, oh, I'm dating Casey now,
So I'll tell you. I'll tell you what did happen to me one time
is I'd just like broken up with my partner and I threw this party with
like twenty three gay strangers that I met on dating apps. I literally just
sent them all links to this WhatsApp group and invited them all over to like
watch the L Word. One of them invited my X as their date to
that party like two days after the breakup, and my X knew that it
was my party and still showed up. What how? Like how this is
so long ago? I remember it? But why? Why? Right?
Drama? Drama? Drama? Drama, drama. I know you're right.
I was telling the story as if I was, like, you know,
an objective expert. But you're like, I could this happened? Yeah,
I don't know. You caught me. You caught me. I'm in my
first woman loving woman relationship and I miss aggressive mask sex, and I don't
know if this is combat or not. There have been these archetypes of what
relationships look like and what we're exposed to, right, And I think that
this is also one of the pitfalls of not having a lot of examples of
queer relationships. You know, we have things like the L word, or
we have women loving women porn or lesbian porn for example, that look a
very particular way, and so I think that we're kind of being told like
dominant or aggressive sex is associated with mask folks, it's associated with men and
I think that that comes from also like like heteronormativity and also violence. I
think, to be honest, like men are seen as it like, the
perpetrators of violence and aggression, and so it's like that can only happen with
them. Also, it's not wrong to want aggressive, more dominant partnership.
I think it's just worth interrogating within yourself to be like, is this person
capable of meeting my sexual needs? And that can be another woman. This
experience of not being able to access aggression or dominance in kind of like from
a societal lens. So I think that a lot of women find empowerment and
being more dominant, and so I think it's more about asking your partner or
figuring out what you want from sex and how to get it with your partner.
Yeah, couldn't agree more with all of that. I think that there
is both. On one hand, the reality that I think there is like
a dumb masked shortage amongst women, that it absolutely exists. But when you
compare if we're talking about women loving women, when you compare like women who
are excited about being Sebbie and women are excited about being dons. Like,
I do think that that there isn't a fifty fifty balance, And so I
do think a lot of people have this experience in relationship and it's not because
of their gender. It's like because of that socialization. Because of socialization,
there's a shortage. Also, at the same time, I think a lot
of us are are afraid of compht and for good reasons. And also,
bisexuality is real and maybe times that you actually like do want to go have
sex with the man and miss that right, and that doesn't make you less
queer. It doesn't mean that this partner that you're currently with can't be great
for you. So maybe also part of the answer is like every every partner
that you have isn't going to one hundred percent be everything that you need,
and it's not because of their gender. And we can also name that you
might find yourself missing and wishing for things outside of that, whether it has
to do with another gender or or more dominance or more of an initiator.
I also think that we tend to associate men, or specifically people with penises
as easier to please, easier to turn on, easier to see when they're
turned on, easier to know when they're finished, right, like, these
are these are stories that we have And I do think that sometimes when you
know, maybe you're dating somebody who has a vulva for the first time,
like you're getting used to adapt kind of shifting your narrow away from that and
finding different ways of self validating in that relationship. So I think it's I
think it's layered, and I think it also has to do with sometimes missing
not the reality of what a male partner would be like, but the sort
of fantasy narrative of a male partner who knows what he wants, initiates the
right way. It's like, how much of that is actually real? So
I think there's a couple of questions worth asking. Those are all wonderful points.
Thank you. Do you have advice for being out on dating apps but
not out to your friends? I think this is a super understandable experience that
instead of wanting to come out first in relationships that feel consequential, that you
might decide that first you want to dip your toe into coming out to other
queer folks who don't have a role in your life yet, right, And
so it's totally okay. I think if you do live in a place where
a friend is likely to come across your profile because it can and it does
happen, even if their settings aren't to see people of your gender, it
can and does happen. So I would just have a conversation with yourself that
says like, hey, this could happen, and what's the worst thing that
would happen if that were true? And it might be that there is a
really bad thing that could happen, and that's worth thinking about. More likely
you can prepare yourself or what that conversation would be like. Now, it's
actually unlikely that that person would approach you about it. I think oftentimes when
we see that, we don't immediately go text somebody being like, wait a
second, are you gay? Now? Maybe they do, Maybe they do,
But if for no other reason than to soothe your own anxiety as you
go through this experience, have that little bit of a backup plan. What
would you say? What would you say? Write it down so that if
the moment comes and you get into sort of like peak anxiety, that you
have this sort of grounding statement that you can say, and it doesn't have
to be the truth. I think in this situation, it doesn't have to
be the truth. If you're not ready to come out, you say whatever
you want period. I love that. I think it acknowledges like the different
parts that we have and what parts of us feel available to what spaces and
what place is, Like your queerness may feel more available to access when you're
on a more explicitly queer dating app or even on a hinge or something like
field or someplace where that is just like, this is my identity here.
And then you might have other friendships and other communities where you have a different
part of yourselves. And I think that that is okay, because what I'm
hearing here is somebody who has multiple different needs, a need for friendship and
community, the need to explore sextuality, and is meeting both of those needs.
And when they coalesce, they coalesce so beautifully said, how can I
communicate needs and boundaries with dates and partners within going too deep too fast?
So I think this person wants to know how do I set boundaries so that
we don't go too deep too fast something like that. This is a really
good question and it kind of has me thinking about myself with dating. And
I don't know if it's like my scorpio nature but like I feel like when
I'm getting to know somebody, I'm either like like poker face, like not
giving anything, or I'm just like here's everything. Or so I think that
it's this is a good question because it has me thinking about balance, which
is something I struggle with. But I think that there are ways to communicate
needs and boundaries in a way that doesn't also leave you completely exposed and vulnerable,
because I think that that is a fear that this person is having of
like how to protect myself when dating, and so I think that there's ways
to incorporate your boundaries that also set the stage for this is how I talk
to people that I'm interested in. I have conversations about boundaries. I have
conversations about unmet needs, and I think that that allows you also to see
what that other person or people are capable of, and so if they're capable
of being like cool like word, I have the same boundary, or I've
never thought about it that way, but I want to, Or if somebody's
like that's you're doing too much, then you know that that person might not
be able to meet you where you are in a very important place for you,
and that that might not be a good partnership for you to continue to
explore. For somebody who has had the experience of feeling like they've gone too
deep, too fast in the past, which it sounds like this person has,
I would be thinking about a couple of things. One, how soon
do you meet up in person after meeting on, let's say, an app.
I think sometimes when we spend a lot of time texting or on an
app before meeting someone in person, we aren't necessarily attuned to the reality of
the situation. We are more you know, there's so much more room to
project when we're in that place, and sometimes what we end up projecting is
is a fantasy, right, like the fantasy of what this could be,
because we have so little information that we can imagine all the amazing things that
could be. And I think sometimes it's that fantasy that makes us go really
deep, really fast. Right if this this person could be my everything.
I think there's a different a different thing if more of a fear fantasy that
makes people give too much too fast. And it's if I don't share everything
about me right now, right up front, they're gonna, you know,
they're going to reject me later. And I'm going to have wasted all of
my time, And I think that can also end up being a self fulfilling
prophecy. You're sort of pitching. You're pitching the negative parts of yourself early
on, right, like that off it doesn't go well. Um, So
I would advise meeting up in person or doing a FaceTime sooner rather than later.
I would be aware of the consistency and persistency of your communication. Like,
oh, consistency and persistency, okay, right? Just like watch watch
how much you're texting? Like s are you suddenly doing that all day every
day instead of living like the other elements of your life that keep you grounded
and attuned to yourself. How often are you hanging out? And what kind
of hangouts? Right? If you like go away for a weekend the first
month, you're setting yourself up to go pretty deep. So these aren't hard
and fast rules. We don't need to be rigid about it. But I
am this person. I do go too deep too fast, And when I
ask myself where I went wrong, it's always that I was in constant communication.
I texted for weeks before. Are you you're nodding like I'm describing you.
I was also Latin, because ET's face when you're describing was like so
deeply. They were like Ets our podcast coordinator, seems like they're feeling called
out right now see bat light. Yeah, just you know, I'll tell
you one thing. When I'm in that space of that new relationship energy,
the last thing I want is anybody in my life telling me that I'm going
too much, too fat. It's like, fuck off, do not tell
me that. It is hard to hear. It's really hard to hear.
So I appreciate the question because it sounds like you know yourself, and yeah,
be real with yourself, be real with yourself. Yeah. No,
when I'm into somebody, I am just like I am glued to my phone
and I'm just like whatever, I'm just texting like the I'm just I cannot
stop. Oh my gosh. I'm like, I don't care about anything else.
Like, I am fully into this so I feel that we can all
strong, and I hate it. I am not physically attracted to the person
I'm sleeping with. Am I a bad person? No, you're not a
bad person. I love the Am I a bad person? Questions? Well,
isn't it interesting that that's where our head goes right like, yeah,
this is happening. Am I a bad person? Like? Amazing how quickly
we jumped to it our entire being being bad because we're having an experience that
nobody has talked about with us before. I feel like I never struggle with
that. I know people right about it. I feel like I'm just like
people. I was like, No, this is fine, probably more than
I No, I'm right. I think you've got just the right amount of
egostring. Now we all can learn from it. No, you're not a
bad person. And also you said you're not physically attracted, and there's so
many different kinds of attraction. You might be romantically attracted. You might be
attracted to their taste in music, their sense of humor. You might like
find I don't know, you might find the way that they dress and express
their gender really hot. Right, So doesn't have to be this sort of
like sexual physical attraction that we're socialized to think as a prerequisite to wanting to
have sex with somebody. I mean, you, I want to have sex
with somebody simply because they know a skill that you find hot and you want
to experience, you know, being tied up for the first time. Right.
As long as it's not like I'm not into them at all, then
then you're okay. If there's a way that you're into them, it doesn't
have to be a particular way. Now, Yeah, if they're you know,
if you know that they're looking for a long term partner who has physical
attraction to them, well that needs to probably be a conversation. I like
that. And I think also just recognizing, like where what need is this
filling of yours? Like it's doing something. You're having sex with this person
for some reason, And like you said, it could be a skill,
it could be like the way that they smell. It could be that you
really like their mattress, Like I don't know, there's a lot of reason
somebody with a really bomb bed and you're just like, I just really want
to be up all up in this bed. I like these sheets, I
like this thread count like I like it. You don't know this about Camille,
but Camille like literally FaceTime me to show me her bed because she's so
proudate, No, I've loved this conversation. I didn't know how much we'd
have to actually share about it, since neither one of us are very deep
and queer Dating right now, But I feel like we did a great job.
This week's Safe for It is Fuco, as in the Philosopher, and
this was suggested from the librarian digging, so I was like a paleontologist.
That's what comes to mind for me. Yeah, with the hat, Yeah,
with the hat, the very specific hat. Yes, I love it.
I love FUCO. Great. Safe for It is hosted by Casey Tanner
and Kamil Lewis and is produced by coordinator et Townsend. Our theme song is
written and performed by Emma Jane and Toria Rainey. To support the show,
please follow us on Spotify take a moment right now to give us five stars.
We also love raybe views, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to
podcasts. Every other week we put a question box out on Instagram giving you
the opportunity to ask for advice on the topic at hand. To submit long
form questions in writing or your own voice, go to the Safe Word pod
or Queer Sex Therapy Instagram page and click on our link tree in the bio
to write out longer questions. If anything today made you curious about seeking support,
The Expansive Group has a great team of therapists and mentors to discuss challenges
you might be facing. Go to the expansivegroup dot com, submit a contact
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We'll be back in two weeks with a new episode of Safe Word