You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand KFI AM six forty. You
have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show,
and I am taking your calls and answering your social media questions. Just a
reminder, I'm a professor of psychology. I'm not a therapist, but I've
written three books on relationships because I'm obsessed with the science of love. The
numbers one eight hundred five two zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred five
two zero one five three four. Okay, Producer Christina, who do we
have on the line. We have Lucy with a question. Lucy, Hi,
Lucy, it's doctor Wendy. Hi, Doctor Wendy. How are you
good? What's your question? Love? I've been getting a man for two
years and we are very close, but I have never met his kids,
his adult children. Why not? What's he saying? They don't want to
meet me? How old are they? Thirty four to twenty four? Okay,
So you've been dating a man for two years you have not met as
kids who are aged twenty four and thirty four. And there's four of them.
But oh, there's four of them. Four of them. Yeah,
okay, And how long had he been divorced before you met him? Three
years? Three years? Okay, so you've been dating for two years,
so it's five years since the divorce. Okay, So what does this mean
to you? Do you want to meet these humans? And we just get
separated on holiday times? And I think I do? I think I want
to meet them. So it's feeling like you're getting excluded during family events during
holidays. And when you bring it up to him that you would like to
meet them, what is his response? It'll happen soon two years later.
Okay. So we have some holidays coming up, we're entering the season.
We got Thanksgiving, we got Christmas or whatever we celebrate, right, Hanika,
whatever? So correct, Here's what I want you to say. It's
called setting a boundary this holiday. I would like to be on your arm
at whatever family event you go to. And if he doesn't like that,
then you have to make a decision. If he just says, oh,
you're not waiting long enough to say, it's been two years, and if
we're planning to have a life together, do you you don't live together yet?
Do you kind of up? Yes? Yeah? So he has a
place and I have a place, but you're back and forth at each other's
places. Right, I think that he needs to make you a public girlfriend
with his family, and I think it's okay to insist on that. And
if they say if if he says, oh, well, the kids said
I can't bring you, then your answer is, oh, so you're not
going then? Right? Yeah, Yeah, he's got a he's got to
happy coming up that he's going to without me. Uh, you know,
you gotta put your foot down. I think you need to be strong with
this man. There are plenty more fish in the sea if this doesn't work
out, like seriously, if this is a if you're feeling like an affair
that he's put in the closet and he's having sort of like a secret family
somehow, and tell him your feelings. I feel excluded, I feel unimportant.
I feel that you're disrespecting me by not having me at these things.
So you either bring me or we're moving on. Lucy, I think you
can do this. Because you're not happy, I'm sorry. I'm tough.
I'm tough because I'm all about teaching, teaching boundaries, Lucy, I'm teaching
boundaries. I love that thanks so much for calling. We got to move
on. Thanks for calling. Okay, producer Christina, who do we have?
Now? Who do we have? Rule? We have somebody on the
Linda, Oh, Linda, Hi Linda. It's doctor Wendy. Hi,
doctor Wendy. What's your question? So I kind of have a situation.
So me and my boyfriend, we've been together for over three years now,
and we've talked about the future. He literally treats me like a queen.
About a weeks ago, yeah, he treats great, But this is a
situation. About a week ago, this very he joined my college study group.
Okay, we got caught off a little bit. How would you describe
this person you met at your college study group? Tall? Well built,
tall, well built? Wo Okay, very handsome looking. And even though
this guy he's very he's shared very quickly with me personal information about his terrible
life. He had, he showered, he showed a lot of red flags
in this amount of baggage, but he still has to work through that.
Give me. With all that information, I still can't stop thinking about him.
And I've suddenly noticed that I've become hyper aware of my boyfriend's flaws.
Okay, let me stop you right there, because what you're experiencing is really
common. So in our anthropological past, right, if we're talking from a
perspective of evolutionary psychology, you know, our mates potentially could die, like
things could happen, or we could lose them, right, so we also
have this potential to have backup mates. So you have you, as you
describe it, You've been with your boyfriend three years, You've talked about a
future, he treats you like a queen, and all of a sudden,
this higher status mate in one area at least tall, well built, handsome,
because we're also wired to love those genes for short term relationships. He
walks into the scene and you're starting to assess whether he could be a good
potential mate. You're saying things like, well there are red flags and whatever,
like what you know if he was a woman or some of you are
not romantically attracted, why would you care if they had red flags or not.
You're actually doing a made assessment and you're making the big mistake of comparing
him to your current boyfriend. So I'm going to say, you've got to
work hard to have super boundaries with this person. Don't follow if he disclosed
a bunch of stuff, as you mentioned, and you know, don't hit
that slippery slope of starting to disclose personal things about you because then, before
you know it, you're developing an intimacy with this person, and then that's
a betrayal of you and your boyfriend. So if you're, as you told
me, happy in your relationship, have been talking about a future and he's
treating you like a queen, don't let some other man just come in and
trump the whole system and ruin it. Because that guy that tall, good
looking, well built, handsome. I wrote it down, tall, well
built, handsome, I wrote that down. He's not that in a long
term relationship. You're just being titillated by first impression. Hey use him as
a fantasy and do it on your boyfriend. That's what I'll say. Thanks
for calling Linda, Okay, producer Christina? Who do we have next?
Oh she's not there? Where are you? Who do we have next?
We have Devin with a question? Devin. Hi, Devin, it's doctor
Wendy. Oh Hi Devin. I mean I'm twenty one and I've got a
girlfriend right now. I'm just kind of curious after hearing your show because I
like to be like scientific too in my own way, Like what percent of
your relationships boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife in America now do you think
are unhealthy versus ten, twenty and thirty forty years ago? Because I'm just
wondering if the juice is worth to squeeze anymore. Oh. No, they're
far more healthy than they ever were, because you know why, Really,
people are getting good relationship experience. Like you, you've got a girlfriend now,
right, and we build on these relationships. And also you have to
understand, we now understand the difference between healthy and unhealthy. Here's the thing.
People are marrying much later, but the divorce rate has been going down
every single years for the last few decades because people are choosing better. They're
getting some life experience, they're getting some relationship experience, they're getting some sexual
experience, and by the time they choose they know. The other thing is
they learn pretty early on when relationships aren't going well that maybe it's them.
You know, if you get a pattern where you have two or three boyfriends
or girlfriends in a row and you're like, hmm, it's always been toxic,
then what's the common denominator you? And so people go and get therapy
and learn relationship skills. No, I think relationships are much more healthier.
There was more relationship duration way back when, but they weren't healthier. They
just society forced them to stay together in sometimes terrible situations. So no,
I think people have gotten much more healthier. All right, we have to
go to break. When we come back, I'm taking your calls. The
numbers one eight hundred five to zero, one five, three four. You
are listening to the Doctor Wendy Welsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to kf I AM six forty
on demand. Kay, I Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh
with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. And I'm taking your
calls. The numbers one eight hundred five two zero, one five three four.
Okay, Producer Christina, who do we have on the line. We
have Mark with a question Mark. Hi, Mark, It's doctor Wendy.
Hey, doctor Wendy, how are you saying good? Thanks for waiting during
the break. What's your question? Love? Hey, I had a quick
question. So long story short, I've been dating my girlfriend for six months,
and we recently got into our first kind of big fight, and a
lot of it had to do with the fact that she got mad that I
couldn't tell when she was upset or not. And I also feel like she's
also very passive aggressive, and so I guess my question is how do I
kind of pick up on her communication cues a little bit better because I'm kind
of oblivious but then also kind of annoyed. And this is a big fighting
point that I find that her passive aggressiveness is really annoying. Okay, so
first of all, you are not supposed to be a mind reader. Okay,
that's very important in every relationship. So what I would suggest you do
is at a time when things are good, did you make up after this
fight or you're not talking? He right now? Like, where are you?
No, We're we're good now. I mean there's nothing that night in
campick. So when when you're all cozy sometime I want you to say to
her, Hey, you know what would help me in the future. I
really feel bad that I wasn't able to pick up as you use, you
know, pick up on what you were feeling. I do better with really
clear words. So would you tell me next time what you're feeling so that
I can better understand what you're going through. And if she says something crazy
like well you should just know or why it's crazy, then just say,
well, you know, I'm not supposed to be a mind reader, and
I do want to understand you and I do want to feel you. So
you're going to need to communicate it to me. That's the first thing.
Another conversation, probably at a different time, because trying to change two behaviors
at once is almost impossible. When she does something that's passive aggressive, and
you're very clear that it is, then I want you to simply say,
hey, I know again, make that communication sandwich. Start out with a
compliment than something a little harder to chew on than back it up with another
compliment, like say something like, hey, you know, I'm really you
know, I'm really into you, I really like you, I really want
to understand you. But it felt like that thing you just said felt a
little bit passive aggressive to me. Tell me what you're really feeling so that
we can just talk about it. So you want to comment on it when
it happens, that's the important thing. And you want to say it in
a non defensive way, more like a curious way, like, hey,
can you help me understand that about you? Because I really want to know
you better? Right, So it's less threatening. It's not accusing them like
you're being passive aggressive. Instead you just say I'm feeling like that felt a
little passive aggressive to me. Am I wrong? Like what tell me what
you really want? So I can really we can really connect on this.
So you just got to keep commenting on it. And if she gets defensive
because she doesn't have the tools, then you comment on that. I see
that it looks like you're being a little bit defensive. I didn't mean to
make you feel, you know whatever, unhappy or uncomfortable with this conversation.
I hope we can learn to have better conflict skills. So just keep taking
the higher road being the one who's commenting on it. And that's also something
that a therapist can help you, guys with two at a certain point.
But thank you. This is where the systems are set up in the first
months, in the first year of a relationship, and then it sticks for
a long time. So Mark, thank you for calling. All right,
let me head over to social media because there are so many dms coming in.
This person says, Hey, doctor Wendy, what are your thoughts on
a guy asking for your social media within the first few messages. Well,
these days this is very common because people communicate all kinds of different ways.
They communicate by telephone, they communicate by text, they communicate by direct messaging
on social media. And also when you are assessing somebody, you want to
look at their socials because that's the billboard they put out to the world.
So I would think it would be equally important for you to ask for somebody
else's socials, right to say, hey, give me your social media,
let me follow you, and you know you can block them at any time
and get rid of them later and no big deal. But this is the
time for you guys to peek into each other's worlds a little bit. And
that's how you do it, is you look at the public billboard that they're
putting out there. Okay, dear doctor Wendy, I've been on three dates
with a really great guy, so great that on date number three I wasn't
wait, wait, so great I went on date number three, even though
I wasn't sure there was a future potential. We slept together. It was
fine, But now I'm certain I don't want to see him. WHOA?
Was he that bad? Was it that bad? WHOA? We've never actually
spoken on the phone. Oh, No, only text and face to face
and genitals to genitals. I guess, I don't know. I want to
tell him that I don't want to see him further, but I want to
be respectful and polite. Typically I would pick up the phone and call someone,
but since we've never spoken, I would like to do this by text.
Is that bad form? There's bad form all over the place here having
sex with somebody you're not sure there's like a future with and you're just sort
of trying them out and now breaking up with them because you don't like to
sex or whatever. I don't know why. And then now text and okay,
first of all, let him reach out. You don't need to reach
out right. And when he does, I guess if the way that you
guys have set up is only talk by text, Look, if you want
to take the highest road possible. When he texts you next and says let's
get together, say can we get on the phone? Text that, can
we get on the phone? If he picks up the phone. Then you
gotta be put on your big girl pants and you gotta say, hey,
you know, it was lovely knowing you. I mean when probably run into
each other socially, we know some of the people in comment whatever, whatever.
But I just don't think romance is in the cards for us. And
I'm sorry. I think you're wonderful. I'll think of you for a friend
if I want to fix up you up some time and you just say it
like that, take the high road, be sweet. Sorry, but yeah,
I get him on the phone. I think that's the right way to
do it, all right. If you would like to send me messages on
direct message, Instagram is probably the best place that we check. The handle
everywhere is at doctor Wendy Walsh when we come back. The five things,
according to therapists who are in there in the therapy room all day long listening
to you guys talk about your problems. The five things that hurt marriages the
most. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on kf I AM six
forty. We're everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to kf I AM
sixty on demand, k five Am six forty. You have doctor Wendy Wells
with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Wells Show. So I always remind
people I'm a psychology professor. I read and read and read and read everything
I can possibly get my hands on about the science of love. But therapists,
they're the ones in the trenches. They're in the privacy of their office
and they're hearing what people are actually saying the problems, you know. And
so I was reading this article where they interviewed a whole bunch of therapists and
asked them to come to conclusions about what they felt were the biggest things ways
of thinking, belief systems that hurt marriages. Right, So let's go through
some of them, because we shouldn't be doing this in our relationships. Okay.
The first is comparing your relationship to other people's. Now, this is
a big no no, because you're going to start doubting yourself. That's funny.
I was talking to my boyfriend Julio this morning as I was reading this
article, and I was like to you know, you look at the people's
Instagram posts and oh, here's our wedding. It's beautiful. Oh look our
anniversary. Oh I love this man so much, and that never makes me
envious. It never makes me question my own relationship because I know the artificiality
of social media, I know about performance personality, and I said to him,
I don't feel envious of anybody's relationship. You see, no two relationships
are the same. And if a relationship is an exchange of care, that
care can take many many forms, financial care, domestic responsibility care, sexual
care, you know, childcare, emotional support care, intellectual stimulation care.
Each goes on and on. And we're looking from the outside, but what
they're feeling from the inside we can't see. So sitting there imagining that they're
happy all the time and you're not is not a good road to go down.
Okay, can't compare yourself to other people's relationships. Now here's a big
one that therapists say is a big problem in relationships. People expect that their
partner will stay the same over the course of the relationship. So they have
this big wedding and they say, Okay, that's my groom, that's my
bride, and they're going to be exactly that forever. Well, news flash,
folks, we're always changing every single day physiologically, our selves are reproducing.
They say, every seven years, we are literally a completely different person.
Biologically, every cell has replicated over and over different. And so part
of having a happy relationship is watching your spouse change so that you can,
you know, change with them and be part of their fan and their cheerleader.
Now, obviously, if the change is that they're growing apart from you
because every interest they have, you don't like that's a problem, but you
have to. You have to create a safe haven where they can find themselves
because eventually, if you expect them to be the same forever, they're gonna
leave so that they can be themselves. Yeah, think about that one.
They're gonna leave so they can find themselves. So being their cheerleaders important.
Okay, Therapists also say a big no no, but people do it all
the time. Is they don't make enough time for regular check ins. You
know, couples get on automatic mode. Okay, you're picking up the kids
this morning, Grede, you're gonna pick up that for dinner. Good,
I'll see what time you're going to be You have that medical appointment. Great,
gat great, great great great great good. And that's all you talk
about schedule doing. How about sitting and looking into each other's eyes and saying
you're okay, Are we okay? Anything we need to talk about? This
is super important to make time for regular check ins. Now here's a big
one. Therapists say. One of the biggest problems for some people in their
relationships is they put other people's needs above their own. Let me guess women
do that more often. They literally become a doormat. They literally do not
remember that in order to love somebody else, you have to love yourself first,
that in order to care for somebody else, you have to put your
own oxygen a mask on first. If you get to a point where you
are depleted, and I've been in relationships like that where I think, well,
I can just kill him with kindness, I can just give him so
much love. He'll turn around and everything will be fun and he'll start given
to me. And it never happens. You know, in some relationships,
somebody's just forever a taker. Take er, take er, take her,
take her. So if you want to survive that relationship, you need to
go take care of yourself, whether it's going out and get a massage,
going for other social and emotional support with your friends. You have to put
on your own oxygen mask first before you can take care of others. And
this one is not from therapist, is from me. I'm a wise woman
who been in a lot of relationships in my life. One of the biggest
mistakes people make in relationships because I used to make it not adding enough novelty.
You know what, Relationships don't die because you're angry with each other or
you hate each other. Sometimes it happens, but more often, relationships die
because people get bored. They get bored in their own relationship. So novelty
doesn't necessarily mean swinging from the chandeliers and having a wild sex life. It
can mean that, but maybe it means just putting your partner in a different
setting, challenging them, doing different things together, so that you can add
change novelty excitement. Your brain will thrive on that. So get out there
and do something different. Okay, when we come back, Instead of me
telling you all the things you shouldn't be doing, I'm going to give you
some tips on what you can do today, literally today, to transform your
relationship quickly. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on kf I Am
six forty We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to kf I
Am six forty on demand KFI Am six forty. Well, you've been brought
a doctor, at least a PhD in clinical psychology. Okay, you know
relationships are less about luck and far more about skill. I say this a
lot because I learned relationship skills myself. If you've read my books The Boyfriend
Test, The Girlfriend Test, The Thirty Day Loved He Talks, you know
that I talk about a lifetime of broken hearts, of painful breakups, of
unrequited love, of being played by players. And it was only through work
with a therapist where I learned that there was a common denominator in all my
relationships, and it was me. And once I learned how to have clear
boundaries, once I learned that it's okay to say no, Once I learned
that it's okay to let people go and not feel abandoned but instead feel like
who I'm doing the touchdown cheer, they were not right for me, gone
right. I learned how to have healthier relationships. And there are ways when
you're in a long term relationship I mentioned earlier. You know big mistakes people
make and not adding novelty. There's so many things you can do that are
so simple that can actually transform your relationship, especially if you've gotten into long
term monotony right where you're just kind of bored. You're on the same schedule,
you're doing the same thing all the time, You're looking on social media
and think that everybody else is having a rock and good time and you're bored
with your partner. But do you have the right relationship skills to transform it.
Well, I'm going to give you a few of them right now.
That has been helpful to me. Hopefully we'll be helpful to you. Here's
a good one. Ask your partner something new, not how was your day?
What did you do today? Those questions are they'll say good, fine,
and now you're back into the monotony. How about a question like tell
me about a time when you felt really happy recently, or explain to me
how to do this, or hey, when you were young, did you
eat this? You know I was eating before I came here, and Julio
wanted a boyhood meal. I went to cooking school. Okay, I can
cook anything, but no, no, no, he wanted sloppy jokes.
Do you remember sloppy jokes when you were a kid. It's basically a hamburger
bun with you know, Bouligners sauce on it. Bouligners sauce. Luckily,
I have a freezer full of homemade Boulogne sauce packed with lots of vegetables.
So that's how I got my kids to eat vegetables. When they were little.
I would finally chop twelve different vegetables sticking in a tomato sauce with some
hamburger and some spices, and they were eating a salad as far as I
was concerned. So all I had to do was thought out and pour it
over a bun. Right, But as we were talking, I said,
tell me about some of the meals that you used to eat growing up,
because I knew this was a boyhood meal. And then I told him is
something I said. You know, my mom wasn't a great cook, but
two days was always a beans and brown bread, night, beans and brown
bread. So this is in the nineteen sixties and seventies. My mother,
in a very gourmet way, would use a can opener to open a can
of beans. We would get a plate of beans and back then everyone had
white wonderbread, so it was a very big deal to have whole wheat bread
that was brown bread, we called it, and we would have brown bread
with butter and we would pour molasses over it. Now, I used to
think that is the most unhealthy meal in the world. Beans and brown bread
with sweet molasses. And then someone told me that, you know what molasses
is. It's actually everything they take out of the sugar cane that's nutritious to
make sugar. It's all the nutrition from the sugar cane. So it's not
bad for you. It's actually better for you than sugar. It's filled packed
with nutrition. What kind of beans though, just a can of regular baked
beans. Baked beans, Okay, good old baked beans. So anyway,
we got into a whole conversation where we're going back in our childhoods and talking
about our favorite meals. We've been together three years. He heard about beans
and round bread for the first time, and I heard about Sloppy Joe's.
So there you go. Designate a monthly date night, like, seriously,
put it on the count. Don't say yeah, we should do that more
often. No, no, do it? Maybe your birthday? So like
mine is April thirtieth, So maybe on the thirtieth of every month we go
and have a date night, or maybe on his birthday, which is the
first the beginning of Oh wait, that's one night into the next. It
could be an overnight our date night thirtieth into the first designate and do it.
Don't just talk about it. Here's something that will transform your relationship very
very quickly. I say this all the time. I'm going to say it
again. Show gratitude, just say thank you a lot, and more often.
Use the manners that you would use with a stranger with the person you
live with. Watch what happens, How kind they get, how nice they
get. I've already talked about this earlier. Schedule a check in at least
once a week. Look at each other and go you okay, we're okay,
we're okay. Anything we need to talk about it takes five minutes.
And be realistic about it. Schedule a check in. Here's the biggest one,
and you need to do it. It's your internal work. You gotta
let go of the past, whether the past is your own trauma that happened
to you, and you got to work with a therapist to do that or
whether the past is water in the bridge in your own relationship, stuff that
you did, fights, you had, cheating that happened, whatever, let
go of it. Stay in the present, the present, and the future.
Get rid of the past. Show your affection. If you're in a
long term relationship and you stopped holding hands and touching toes when your netflix and
chill, you need to get back to it because your body releases very important
neuro hormones through touch. You need to show affection. You need to hold
hands, you need to hug, you need to look into each other's eyes.
This is not your roommate. You may have been living together for fourteen
and a half years, it's still not your roommate. Remind yourself why you're
there. Here's a good one. Get to know your partner's boundaries, and
if they don't seem to have boundaries, ask them a lot. Understand where
they end and you begin. Because a relationship is not where you just overlap
and you become a one person. It's two people respecting each other's boundaries,
what they like and what they learn. And finally, the biggest gift to
your relationship is to take care of yourself. You know, I mentioned at
the beginning of the show that I went on this hot, sweaty hike today
with my Julio and I didn't have a stitch of makeup bon and I was
sweating. So before I came to work today, I took a shower.
Wasn't that nice to me? It wasn't a nice Christine. I took a
shower before I came to work, Thank you. I threw on a little
makeup, put on some heels, some nice fitting pants, and all the
way to the door, he kept saying, Wow, you look so nice.
It looks nice. I winked downhim. I go, you forgot you
forgot right. Take care of yourself, dress up for your partner. Get
out of those sweats, Remind them who you are. Be on a first
date every once in a while. Act that way with your partner. Get
out that razor, guys or ladies whatever, you could share it exactly,
No, no, don't share razors. That's dangerous, glood to sharing blood
whatever. Anyway. On that note, that brings the Doctor Wendy Walls Show
to a close. You know, if you missed any part of the show,
or any week of the show, you can always listen to it by
downloading the iHeartRadio app. They're all there the Doctor Wendy Wells Show. Christina,
What a pleasure to have you here. I do miss Kayla. Kayla
can't wait to see her again next week. But you know, it's so
nice to just have a novelty right, you're right, freshen it up,
You're right, Kaya does see a great job helping out and boy, it
was a it was an honor to be able to step in. Goes quick
this two hours roll. Thanks for your work on the board, Courtney,
Welcome to KFI. It's a wonderful to see a new face. Thank you
so much. Our program director Robin Bertalucci is a savior and a wonderful woman
for always encouraging women in radio. So it's nice have a female voice here.
Too, good to have you here. You've been listening to The Doctor
Wendy Walls Show on kf I AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the
iHeart Radio app kf I AM six forty on demand