They say there's a special place in hell for women who refuse to help other
women. But what if women in hell were willing to help other women.
This is a story about leaning in, lifting up, and unlocking your true
potential using necromancy and the Internet. This is the first installment of a little
mini series within Our Yours Truly series. Each episode details the correspondence between a
modern seeker and a long deceased voice from the past. In this episode,
we find ourselves a fly nestled within the decaying flesh wall of Hell, lying
on the classified archives of the entrepreneurial demonic endeavor known as healing Answers and Necromancy
Delivered or HAND. If you're a fan of brevity, so put on an
anti aging, skin softening, glow inducing sheep mask, pour yourself an artisanal
kombucha, and open your chakras for a tail from the archives of HAND or
what they like to call the Lizbee situation. Subject new client inquiry, Hello
HAND Agency. I'm reaching out to learn more about your mentorship services. I
was recently in New Orleans celebrating a sorority sisters engagement. I'm not a part
of the wedding party, but I was invited to all of the expensive destination
events, so that's fun. And I picked up your card at one of
the local curiosity shops. I am intrigued. I would love to hear more
about what you do. I have read your website and I can confirm that
I am in a state of transition. I am open to new perspectives and
I was not and I have never been baptized. On a professional note,
I work in branding, and I would like to say that I absolutely adore
or your whole visual identity and brand voice. When I read that hand stood
for Healing Answers a necromancy delivered ild out loud, It's totally goth. Meet
Scoop, and I am here for it. So about me, I'm thirty
three, I'm recently uncoupled. Like I said, I am a director of
social media strategy and branding, and I'm looking to be matched with one of
your undead influencers. So cute. I would love a strong woman, someone
successful with leadership skills, but still feminine and able to connect on girly stuff,
ideally like a Beyonce or Malala, or like a Mall Clooney. Obviously
preyr parameters I'm aware that they do have to be deceased, so fun.
I hope you will consider my application for one of your top tier ghoul ruse
I venmoed you the six hundred and sixty six dollars fee again Adorb's and I
am awaiting next steps. Best regards, Sae White h two. Becky Sage
of Fight Ree new client inquiry, Good evening, Becky Sage Fight. It
is a pleasure to make your acquaintance. We so rarely get visitors on page
of website. Good to know Seo Spell is finally reaching full potency. Congratulations,
your application has been approved and our necromancers are hard at work matching you
with your ideal goold rule. This undead soul summoned from the depths of Hell
will reach out to you in three to five business days fermail communication once you
complete the registration ritual. Step one, gather all holy relics, symbols,
and sacred texts from your home, including but not limited to Bibles, cross
its, prayer rugs, framed photos from your birthright trip to Israel, four
leaf clovers, and dream catches. Unless you are white and culturally appropriating in
witch case, knock yourself out Once you have gathered all of your sacred artifacts,
take everything outside, then burn them, and then burn the ashes.
Step two, using a blade bathed in dark moonlight, spill your blood or
the blood a beloved one onto a patch of earth south of the place where
you last take experience the joy or pained. Either will do. Step three.
Complete our online questionnaire and fill out the Google form to confirm your three
point personal mentorship plan. May you find whatever your heart desires hell the dark
Lord. Kyle Davison, Associate Director, Hand Customer Service two. Becky Sage
White, subject, Hello from beyond my dear Becky Sage White, It was
pleasure to be summoned from my unholy rest to make sister acquaintance with professional lady
such as myself. So little bit about me during life, I was very
powerful woman with much political influence, and not to brag, but I was
very very attractive, almost as if I know Age. I always follow my
own heart and believe in putting myself first, because if you don't take care
of self, how can you ever take care of anyone else. I am
sure I will have much good advice to share and many ways to help you
fulfill your darkest desires, most sinister cravings, and many of other aspects within
three point plan outlined in application. I see that you have chosen to focus
on one advancing career, two feel very beautiful, three fine boyfriend, which
I love because it's like husband. But Mark Bendible, let's start this easy
one. Tell me about career and your plan to advance and conquer enemies.
Looking forward to our continued correspondence My girlfriend eternally yours Liz be two lizbe subject
read hello from beyond, Hi, Liz, so great to hear from you.
Let me just start by saying that you are crushing it on the whole
undead mentor pastige. I can't find you guys on Yelp, but when I
do, I'm going to give you like probably at least four stars. So
I was recently promoted to the VP slash Director of so Social Media and Brand
Strategy at keen Wah, which is an up and coming agency that connects content
creators and influencers with influential content brands. Obviously, the next step in my
career would be to break out on my own and start an even smaller and
more up and coming branding agency that really speaks to my passions branding, content,
influencers, fitness and self care. However, since I have recently turned
thirty three, I'm starting to fear that I'm losing relevance with the youth.
I used to really have a pulse on the next big trend, but now
I only have eleven K followers on TikTok, and even though I'm verified on
Instagram, my posts have started to get way less engagement. Not to mention
that I recently set up an account on emerging platform Bisbee and so far I
only have nine business and almost no bees. I'm worried that I'll lose all
my cloud and that no one will take me seriously. If I have under
forty bees. I'm super worried that the older I get, the last relevant
I'll become, and my career will die and a younger woman will take my
place. Looking forward to your thoughts, all the best, Becky's Age to
Becky's sage subject re re Hello from beyond my dear Becky's Sage. Well,
I do not understand many of these things you say. I believe I have
the basic picture. You sound like very powerful leader with many subjects and much
influence. I personally have experienced this branding my subjects as well. Oh it's
good now that branding is still used in modern day to control your peasants.
It is indeed difficult for aging women to maintain grip on position of power.
Here is my advice to you. Surround yourself with youth. You will want
to draw young, poor, desperate girls born without means, hoping to increase
their standing. Lure them to you with promises of education, teaching them poise
and courtly etiquette. Swear that in return for their service, you will lift
them up from obscurity to great power within your innermost circles. Then tortures them
to death, base in their blood and suck their youthful essence from the marrow
of their bone. It helps me stay relevance, and I know it will
do the same for you, yours eternally, Liz b Bs. I'm sure
you know who I am by now. No. Two lisb subject re re
Hello from beyond. Hi, Liz, your last email was a revelation.
I absolutely hearted the analogy that you used. And let me tell you my
internship program is going so well. I now have a full stable of young
hopefuls who I am working day and night for free to help keep me on
the cutting edge of culture. I have like four hundred bees and I'm now
triple verified on double Dot. I have to say my boss, our CEO
of social media and brand transformations, is getting pretty jealous. His name is
Wesley and he has kind of a Timothy Shallomet meets James Franco vibe. But
you know hot. I have been dropping things and picking them up in front
of him for like a month, and he still hasn't noticed me personally.
I think he's afraid of making the first move because of all that hr stuff,
but it could also be because I'm simply not hot enough. So I
was wondering if you had some ancient totalistic beauty tips and were ways to make
me feel beautiful inside and out. I mean, obviously out is more important,
but you know what I mean. Best, Becky Sage p s.
I actually don't know who you are. What were you on? Two?
Becky Sage subject eternal beauty. My dear Becky Sage, you have come to
the right place beauty tip and trick. I thought you would never ask.
So you have a fine stable of young fresh flesh at your behest. Your
as you say, internship program has indeed set you up for much success.
You will want to pluck from your flock one special girl, someone said,
and desperate to lavish your attentions upon lift her up, makes this virgin hated
among her peers. Fill her this delusions of a life such as yours,
and when she is right with hope in fight her to your home for special
one on one time. Then slid open her throat, entering her blood bath
in the hot, whiscous fluid as it flows from her snow white breast.
Feel free to add a bath bond or some lavender. Make it a real
night just for you. You will emerge steeped in her essence, renewed and
imbued with this soul of youth. I also suggest a cooling collagen eye treatment,
great for fine lines. Trust me, after a few, maybe ten
to fifteen baths, your vessel will be unable to control his manly impulses and
his only desire will be too fully. Ohdain you eternally yours, Liz b
p S. I can't belie leave you haven't figured out who I am?
I will give you a hint. I was almsy thrown in Hungary. Have
you guessed the identity of our undead ghoul ru We'll give you a little hint.
She met her untimely death, sequestered in a bricked off room of the
castle she once terrorized. Figured it out yet, or perhaps the suspense is
just killing you? We hope it's both. Now back to the archives of
hand The Lisby situation two Lisby subject re eternal beauty. Okay, so I
looked you up and it seems like you might be Elizabeth Bathory. I read
your entire Wikipedia page and it was pretty gross, but not as gross as
my bathroom. After killing all those girls and bathing in their blood, I
am never getting my security deposit back. I wish that you'd included some tips
for cleanup, but I guess you probably had people for that. Fortunately,
my binge watching of Law and Order SPU totally paid off, and for everything
else there was four a chan. Go ahead and click on that link.
You'll love it. Here's the thing. Well, I love where your head
is at, and Wesley has definitely been noticing me more, probably because I
smell so gross like hardcore iron supplements. I realized that I need to take
some of your advice and modernize it for today's world. After killing the weakest
members of my internship program, I was left with the strongest, prettiest,
and most confident young women. As I finned the herd, I watched these
strong future leaders become nervous and crippled with dread that I would get rid of
them too. I have to say, there is nothing sweeter than draining a
young, hopeful woman of her sweet, delicate dreams and aspirations. By day,
I empower them, I build them up. I awaken in them facets
of their spirit they did not know they possessed. I rubbed crystals on them.
We do goat yoga. Then by night I assume a multitude of tortuous
avatars and I bring the pain. So I read that you used to cover
girls with honey and then throw a bunch of ants on them A girl,
I am sure that sucked. But imagine transforming into an altright troll and fat
shaming a young woman's fit this positivity profile delicious? Oh how totally amazing it
feels to cyber bully a young idealists anti cyber bully account. Oh so sweet?
And while I understand that burning young girls alive biting their faces off and
poking them with needles has its own old world charm. You seriously have to
try catfishing, allowing a virgin to experience true love for the first time,
then mercilessly ripping it away. It's like I kill them that they are still
alive, so I give to kill them over and over. I grow stronger
by the day. Love, Rebecca Stage White, p. S. I
also read that when you got married, your husband literally had to take your
name because you were more famous. Like hello, feminist icon Ruth Bader,
who too, Rebecca Sage White subject re re eternal beauty. Dearest Rebecca Sage,
listen to me. I have been called to advise many many a young
aspiring professional woman, Catherine's great Melania nous Ellen DeGeneres, and of course Cora
Henderson, the world's most prolific serial killer. You don't know her, and
you never will, because she is very, very good. But I have
to say that, out of all of them, I never met anyone as
evil, sinister and cruel as you, Rebecca Sage. Ellis White of the
House of Keen var VP slash Director of Social Media and Branding of the influencers,
you have gone far beyond the boundaries of human decency and often even the
most demonic codes of through wickedness. I am uphold, I am disgusted,
and as they say in your modern tongue, I am here for it.
Girlfriend, I stand with you on the precipice of through evil empire. Together
we will harness this new source of power, this influence, these many verified
bees and multitude of that. I do not know the many incantations you invoke,
but I will study, of course, if you will accept my apprenticeship.
Your discovery of clean, renewable source of virgin blood is absolute revolution in
vampirism. The idea of eternal, replenishing youthful essence. It is beautiful.
It is goals who knew that we could live among humans, violating them horribly
regularly in daylight hours, over and over, without breaking any of their laws.
Eternal youth, never fading, beauty, watching blood flow from the veins
of our enemies. They really can't have it all. Oh, also,
don't forget now that you are very beautiful. I can't help you this point
number three, getting boyfriend, I have much experience, as I became betrothed
at age of ten, and why at fifteen. So let's just say I
have a lot of practice tricking man into thinking you don't hate him. Can't
wait for your reply this love, Liz b ps. I did not know
this word feminism, but I look up on Fortune message site you linked to,
and I learn many wonderful sayings. Feminist is man hating she beasts who
seeks to destroy additional way of life and make women supreme, matriarchal oppressors who
will baith society in public breast milk and menstrual blood yas Queen could not have
said better myself. Two Lesbie subject honoring my path Dear Liz, Hi,
Wow, I know I've taken like beyond forever to get back to you.
Honestly, things are really blowing up for me, just like work, work,
work. I am fully by coastal now and also opening an office in
Atlanta. It's super up and coming. Anyway, I so appreciate your offer
to help me get a boyfriend, but honestly, I don't have time for
a conventional relationship. I have used my new power of influence to enslave Wesley,
so he's been meeting my needs physically and professionally since I also brought a
quid pro que lawsuit against him, had him removed from the company, canceled
him on social media, and took over his job. He was annoyed about
it at first, but then he saw how much more money I would making.
And now he's using his new free time to train for the New York
Ultra Marathon and play Halo, which, if you don't know, as a
gamer, you can swear at children on the internet while pretending to murder people.
Any Way, I am super flattered by your offer of eternal service and
could not be more grateful for your inspiration and mentorship, and well, I
definitely meditated on what a future partnership would look like. Unfortunately, we will
not be able to move forward. I honestly don't think you are right for
the keen Wab brand. There are a few problematic things in your past,
and I have found your practices to be a little elitist. We can't all
be born into nobility. I wasn't just handed a castle when I was ten,
so I kind of feel like we aren't coming from the same place.
But I do want to sincerely thank you so much for everything. I swear
I am going to take up this mantle of evil and just run with it.
I promise that I'll spread my cruelty and brutal torture of virgin souls far
beyond the borders of this nation to the world, and with the help of
my new bf elon maybe even outer space. I want you to know that
anywhere you see a condealini kido yoni yoga retreat, or a lotus flower crystal
sound bath seminar, I am doing it in your name. Every time I
help a woman overcome stretch barks she hadn't noticed or discover a new source of
insecurity, like pondering if she isn't spending enough time being selfish, or meditating
on if being skinny is really making her fat. Know that I am there
drinking in her pain, supping upon the delightful honey of her slowly dimming inner
light as her soul slips away until she's nothing but leggings, green juice,
and dust. Please respect my journey and know that if the severing of our
bond has brought you any pain, I will savor every last delicious drop.
Fondest regards, Rebecca Sage, Alice White Keen Will Global CEO slash head of
brand growth, transformation initiatives, outreach, new talent development and facilities. And
that was the Archives of Hand the Lizbe Situation. We hope you found it
inspiring. The cast featured in this episode include Casey La Forest as Rebecca Sage,
Ellis White, Michael Pate as hand Agent Kyle Davison, and me Ali
Silva as the Blood Countess herself Elizabeth Bathory. The Archives of Hand the Lizbe
Situation was written by Liz Liser and Casey la Forest and directed by Ali Silva.
Liz Liser and Casey la Forest. Fireside Mystery Theater is produced by Gustavo
Rodriguez and me Ali Silva for Fireside Mystery Productions. The intro music for this
episode was composed by Nico Slater and the music for the Archives of Hand was
composed by Ari Kessler. Liz Liser is our operations guru, Casey la Forest
is our social media made even Faith Johnson is our production coordinator, and Jason
Graves composed our FMT theme music. I manage our audio production, post production
and sound design, with additional sound design by Ricardo Delgado. Hey, would
you like to listen to our episodes without the ads and help support us at
the same time. Become an FMT Patreon patron for five bucks or more per
month, and you got it. We have all kinds of rewards at different
levels, plus a peek into the mind and collections of our very own head
writer, Sylvan Sandovar with his weekly missive exclusive for our patrons. Go to
patreon dot com slash Fireside Mystery Theater or follow the links from our website to
check it out. And to our current fabulous patrons, we could write a
million love letters to you, and it wouldn't be enough to express our immense
adoration and gratitude. Thanks for keeping us going. If you like what we
do, rate us, and review us, I guess even if you don't
like what we do, you can let us know. I mean, sure,
we are super hungry for positive feedback, but we are open to the
constructive criticism too, always learning and growing. Baby. It's been said that
the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Therefore, couldn't the road
to your own personal paradise be paved with evil deeds? Well as you honor
your sacred path whilst it intersects with your journey of self actualization, prying open
the rows of your own powerful potential. Do make sure you don't stray from
the light, unless it's darkness you seek, in which case we hope you
find the shadows while everyone else minds them.