WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.800 --> 00:00:04.559 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty the Doctor 2 00:00:04.599 --> 00:00:12.560 Wendy Walls Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app, Doctor Doctor Benny, the 3 00:00:12.720 --> 00:00:26.760 News, I Gotta Mas Loving you. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show 4 00:00:26.800 --> 00:00:31.399 on KFI AM six forty. Were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. If 5 00:00:31.399 --> 00:00:34.359 you're new to my show, I have a PhD in clinical psychology, I'm 6 00:00:34.399 --> 00:00:38.159 obsessed with the science of love, written three books on relationships, did a 7 00:00:38.200 --> 00:00:43.280 dissertation on attachment theory, and I'm a psychology professor at cal State Channel Islands. 8 00:00:43.679 --> 00:00:48.200 This week we are going to be talking about how social media is changing 9 00:00:48.280 --> 00:00:53.039 things up a bit to help improve the mental health of our youth. Yay. 10 00:00:53.560 --> 00:00:58.320 Also, you are not going to believe which platform that you likely use 11 00:00:58.719 --> 00:01:07.079 every single is now the most used platform to find love and it's not Facebook. 12 00:01:07.519 --> 00:01:14.079 Wait until you hear this. Also why every company needs a love contract. 13 00:01:14.439 --> 00:01:17.319 If you work in HR, I want you to think about this. 14 00:01:17.439 --> 00:01:19.319 Plus, I'll be taking your social media questions. You can send in a 15 00:01:19.400 --> 00:01:23.959 question on your relationship life, anything you want. I won't give your name 16 00:01:23.000 --> 00:01:27.959 out on air. The handle everywhere is at Dr Wendy Walsh. That's at 17 00:01:27.959 --> 00:01:33.079 Doctor Wendy Walsh and producer Kayla will go in and you'll find your questions and 18 00:01:33.239 --> 00:01:34.920 a little later in the show we'll talk about it. Also, if you're 19 00:01:34.920 --> 00:01:41.439 married, I'll help you answer the question can your marriage survive an affair? 20 00:01:41.959 --> 00:01:46.599 There is some new research on this, plus some news you can use ten 21 00:01:46.840 --> 00:01:52.280 conversation starters to make your marriage stronger. But first, producer Kayla, you 22 00:01:52.319 --> 00:01:57.560 with me allis did you see hi? Did you see the eclipse at all 23 00:01:57.599 --> 00:02:00.319 this week? Was there anything that I did? Me and my Ss their 24 00:02:00.359 --> 00:02:07.680 walk to Labret's tarpits and we had some strangers giving out glasses so we were 25 00:02:07.719 --> 00:02:10.080 able to share glasses with strangers and enjoy the eclipse together. That is so 26 00:02:10.360 --> 00:02:15.240 nice. Well, I was teaching and during the eclipse. Now, if 27 00:02:15.240 --> 00:02:19.039 you're in southern California, you know it wasn't much was it was very underwhelming 28 00:02:19.360 --> 00:02:23.280 and we had maybe a few minutes of feeling of like a cloud cover or 29 00:02:23.319 --> 00:02:24.639 something. It wasn't that much. Well, it was a different like the 30 00:02:24.680 --> 00:02:28.759 shadows looked a little different, I don't know, felt a bit wird. 31 00:02:29.080 --> 00:02:31.719 So I was teaching. I teach at cal State Channel Islands. And as 32 00:02:31.759 --> 00:02:36.560 I'm lecturing, I'm hearing myself having to get louder and louder because there's this 33 00:02:36.639 --> 00:02:39.639 commotion going on outside in the plaza, and I look out the window and 34 00:02:39.680 --> 00:02:45.039 see that a very large group of students and professors. And I'm teaching a 35 00:02:45.080 --> 00:02:49.319 psychology one oh one class, you know, like an intro to psychology class 36 00:02:49.360 --> 00:02:52.680 freshmen. And I stopped the lecture and say, hey, would you like 37 00:02:52.759 --> 00:02:54.520 to go out? And as far be it from me for having you miss 38 00:02:54.560 --> 00:02:58.199 the eclipse, would you like to go out and join everybody? And they 39 00:02:58.240 --> 00:03:02.639 literally like no, just keep lecturing, because maybe because it was so underwhelming. 40 00:03:02.960 --> 00:03:07.400 Now, let me tell you the story of my brother in Ottawa, 41 00:03:07.599 --> 00:03:13.479 Canada direct path. Okay. First of all, I call him and he 42 00:03:13.520 --> 00:03:15.800 goes, oh, we're having a quick bowl of soup and then we got 43 00:03:15.840 --> 00:03:19.919 our glasses and we're heading out. Okay, okay. And so he's he 44 00:03:20.000 --> 00:03:23.120 had a tracker that tells you exactly the time the eclipse was going to go 45 00:03:23.159 --> 00:03:29.120 past, and in his time zone it was three twenty three PM. That's 46 00:03:29.120 --> 00:03:31.520 in the afternoon, three twenty three. So he said, it was the 47 00:03:31.560 --> 00:03:38.240 weirdest thing. We're standing out there. It's three twenty one, and we're 48 00:03:38.240 --> 00:03:42.879 all like, sun is shining bright, nothing happening here. I guess it's 49 00:03:42.879 --> 00:03:46.199 not passing here. And then he said, at exactly three twenty three, 50 00:03:46.919 --> 00:03:52.479 it was like somebody, over a ten second period, just turned off a 51 00:03:52.560 --> 00:03:57.800 light switch. It went to pitch black dark, and all the street lights 52 00:03:57.840 --> 00:04:01.439 came on and people were cheer I've heard that other people just went silent. 53 00:04:01.840 --> 00:04:05.719 They hugged each other. It was so bizarre. And he said it lasted 54 00:04:05.759 --> 00:04:10.719 three minutes and then someone just raised the shade again over ten seconds. He 55 00:04:10.800 --> 00:04:15.479 said, it was startling, it was phenomenal. It was totally cool, 56 00:04:15.040 --> 00:04:18.560 and it's not gonna happen in North America for another twenty years. As I 57 00:04:18.639 --> 00:04:23.560 say to my fiancee, Julio, we'll have to eat really well and exercise 58 00:04:23.639 --> 00:04:28.079 so we can be around for the next time. That's what it's about, 59 00:04:28.680 --> 00:04:32.439 I thought to myself, Imagine what our ancient people must have experienced. Now, 60 00:04:32.439 --> 00:04:35.000 if you've been listening to my show for a long time, hold on 61 00:04:35.040 --> 00:04:38.399 to your seats, because you know I have some very dark humor. We're 62 00:04:38.480 --> 00:04:42.079 driving to the car, and I said, they probably huddled together, and 63 00:04:42.160 --> 00:04:44.879 then some tribes went, oh, no, the gods are punishing us. 64 00:04:45.079 --> 00:04:48.399 We must go sacrifice our first born. Think of how many babies we're murdered. 65 00:04:49.399 --> 00:04:54.439 I'm any clips. I'm sorry, but that's how my brain works. 66 00:04:54.519 --> 00:04:57.600 Kayla, I'm sorry, this is how my brain works. I'm not surprised, 67 00:04:57.639 --> 00:05:03.160 doctor, I can go to dead baby jokes. Okay. Anyway, 68 00:05:03.240 --> 00:05:08.680 the next on the globe, the next total eclipse is taking place. When, 69 00:05:08.800 --> 00:05:12.439 Kayla, we were looking it up earlier. It's soon on the globe, 70 00:05:12.560 --> 00:05:15.920 is I think twenty twenty six. August twelfth, twenty twenty six in 71 00:05:16.000 --> 00:05:20.959 Europe, Get this Spain, which is a great place to party in August, 72 00:05:21.040 --> 00:05:26.560 folks. Spain and Ireland is right in the direct path. So you 73 00:05:26.639 --> 00:05:29.600 might want to book your tickets now because I don't know if you heard, 74 00:05:29.800 --> 00:05:31.680 but in these tiny towns, you know, the kind of towns that have 75 00:05:31.759 --> 00:05:35.759 one little tiny motel six with you know, eighteen rooms and that's it. 76 00:05:36.079 --> 00:05:40.199 If they were in the path of the eclipse in North America, they were 77 00:05:40.279 --> 00:05:44.360 charging more than one thousand dollars a night for their rooms. So I'd get 78 00:05:44.360 --> 00:05:46.199 on this. I would book things. August twelfth, twenty twenty six. 79 00:05:46.680 --> 00:05:49.680 Let's go to Spain, Kla, they could be fun. That could be 80 00:05:49.720 --> 00:05:55.959 really fun, all right. Other news in California, I think good news. 81 00:05:56.000 --> 00:06:00.000 You think not, Kayla. Let's debate this. California has officially raised 82 00:06:00.199 --> 00:06:06.000 the minimum wage to twenty dollars an hour for fast food workers only. Why 83 00:06:06.040 --> 00:06:11.759 does this make you mad, Kayla? Because it raises the price for fast 84 00:06:11.800 --> 00:06:15.839 food for everyone. And I don't think that a fast food job was meant 85 00:06:15.839 --> 00:06:17.519 to be a forever job, so I don't think that it needs to be 86 00:06:17.560 --> 00:06:23.000 rewarded with a twenty dollars an hour pay when people who you know, not 87 00:06:23.040 --> 00:06:25.839 to compare, but people who have gone to school, study to trade, 88 00:06:25.920 --> 00:06:29.120 they have to typically pay their dues in order to start making the big bucks, 89 00:06:29.120 --> 00:06:31.079 like in radio, for example. So why a job where you're not 90 00:06:31.120 --> 00:06:35.360 really supposed to grow at are you getting twenty dollars an hour? Spoken like 91 00:06:35.399 --> 00:06:40.959 a true urban night You know, there are places in America where fast food 92 00:06:41.000 --> 00:06:45.600 is a career and they get promoted to assistant manager and manager is the manager. 93 00:06:45.680 --> 00:06:47.480 Sure? Okay, oh right, yeah, that's fine, that's salary. 94 00:06:47.600 --> 00:06:50.959 You deserve that. Okay, there's an economist I follow on. I'll 95 00:06:51.000 --> 00:06:58.600 never call it anything else. Twitter and he says that the way to raise 96 00:06:59.000 --> 00:07:04.120 the economy is to pay all workers more because most workers spend their money, 97 00:07:04.480 --> 00:07:06.879 a big chunk of it in the place they work, so it actually raises 98 00:07:06.879 --> 00:07:11.040 profits. He used the model of Walmart, and he said, if you 99 00:07:11.279 --> 00:07:15.079 just raised the rate, the hourly rate of everybody who works at Walmart to 100 00:07:15.199 --> 00:07:19.639 twenty five dollars an hour, Apparently people who work at Walmart spend almost a 101 00:07:19.759 --> 00:07:26.560 third of their salary in Walmart, so you increase your sales as well. 102 00:07:27.120 --> 00:07:30.959 So putting money in the hands of workers is the best way to raise the 103 00:07:30.000 --> 00:07:33.000 economy. Now, I hear what you're saying about prices might be going up 104 00:07:33.079 --> 00:07:36.759 because right now we're hitting the consumer inflation. I saw chart today is off 105 00:07:36.800 --> 00:07:40.600 the charts. And here's how I notice it. You guys probably know. 106 00:07:40.639 --> 00:07:42.519 I try to be as key to as I can. I try to be 107 00:07:42.560 --> 00:07:45.360 low carb, high fat, whatever. And the only thing you can order 108 00:07:45.360 --> 00:07:48.839 at Starbucks to drink that's going to be low carb is a regular drip coffee. 109 00:07:48.839 --> 00:07:53.879 It's also the cheapest thing. Regular drip coffee with a splash of heavy 110 00:07:53.879 --> 00:07:58.160 cream. That's my drink at Starbucks now. Prior to the pandemic it was 111 00:07:58.199 --> 00:08:03.040 two dollars and ten cents for a tall You know that's double speak, right, 112 00:08:03.839 --> 00:08:09.839 tall it's the smallest one, but it's called tall ough double speak anyway, 113 00:08:09.920 --> 00:08:13.040 So two dollars and ten cents. Recently I went into one in the 114 00:08:13.120 --> 00:08:16.399 valley and it was two dollars and sixty five cents, and I went, 115 00:08:16.399 --> 00:08:18.480 oh, my gosh, went up fifty five cents. Well, as of 116 00:08:18.519 --> 00:08:22.279 April first, it went up to three dollars and twenty five cents for a 117 00:08:22.480 --> 00:08:28.639 simple cup of drip coffee. So I start interviewing the Starbucks person who's now 118 00:08:28.680 --> 00:08:31.679 probably making twenty dollars an hour and can afford four of those cups of coffee. 119 00:08:31.879 --> 00:08:37.200 I said why, and they told me that there are different prices in 120 00:08:37.240 --> 00:08:39.279 different markets and it's all by zip code. I did not know this, 121 00:08:39.960 --> 00:08:43.559 so they particularly rip us off in the big cities. Okay, when we 122 00:08:43.600 --> 00:08:46.919 come back, you have heard a lot about how there's so much research out 123 00:08:46.960 --> 00:08:52.200 there showing how social media is hurting all of our mental health, but particularly 124 00:08:52.240 --> 00:08:56.679 our children and teenagers. Well, apparently some of these social media companies are 125 00:08:58.240 --> 00:09:03.440 enacting a whole bunch of changes to change people's mental health. Let's see if 126 00:09:03.440 --> 00:09:05.440 it's going to work. We'll talk about this when we come back. You're 127 00:09:05.519 --> 00:09:13.519 listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. So if 128 00:09:13.559 --> 00:09:16.559 you follow me on social media, specifically TikTok, you know that I've got 129 00:09:16.559 --> 00:09:20.200 a million followers. You know probably if you've been following me for a while, 130 00:09:20.639 --> 00:09:24.000 that my brand is slowly in transition. So here's the thing. When 131 00:09:24.000 --> 00:09:28.720 you get stuck in one space on social media, it becomes everything. And 132 00:09:28.000 --> 00:09:31.639 the truth is, I'm so much more than relationship advice, although I love 133 00:09:31.639 --> 00:09:35.639 to give relationship advice. Here's my theory, by the way, about my 134 00:09:35.879 --> 00:09:41.000 little identity transformation. Here during all the years that I was single and had 135 00:09:41.320 --> 00:09:50.320 attachment injuries and was in therapy and was in graduate school trying to put an 136 00:09:50.399 --> 00:09:58.879 intellectual eye on love to ultimately heal myself right, And so I wrote three 137 00:09:58.919 --> 00:10:03.399 books on relationship ships. I did a dissertation on attachment theory. I became 138 00:10:03.480 --> 00:10:09.360 obsessed with our romantic attachment style and how we could heal early life trauma that 139 00:10:09.399 --> 00:10:16.159 could lead to us finding constantly being attracted to partners who hurt us. So 140 00:10:16.240 --> 00:10:20.879 I really walked my walk. I don't know if you've ever heard that saying, 141 00:10:20.879 --> 00:10:26.080 I think it's from the book Jonathan Livingston segel We teach best what we 142 00:10:26.200 --> 00:10:30.559 most need to learn. And so I would every time I would learn something 143 00:10:30.600 --> 00:10:35.399 new, And my career as a journalist really taught me how to take scientific 144 00:10:35.759 --> 00:10:39.559 information and put it into language everybody could understand. So I blogged, and 145 00:10:39.600 --> 00:10:43.559 I do podcasts, and I go on radio, and I write books and 146 00:10:43.600 --> 00:10:46.679 I talk about wow, this aha moment, Oh my gosh, just look 147 00:10:46.720 --> 00:10:50.240 what I learned. People with an avoidant attachment style are mostly attracted to people 148 00:10:50.240 --> 00:10:52.200 with an anxious attachment style, and there's this constant running all the time in 149 00:10:52.240 --> 00:10:56.480 their relationship, and nobody's really happy. But those relationships tend to last a 150 00:10:56.519 --> 00:11:00.360 really long time, by the way, because the running becomes the glue instead 151 00:11:00.360 --> 00:11:03.000 of emotional intimacy. Anyway, that would be one example of what I might 152 00:11:03.039 --> 00:11:09.759 have put in a TikTok video. So when I met my fiance during the 153 00:11:09.759 --> 00:11:15.480 pandemic, and we you know, I continued to do all the things I've 154 00:11:15.480 --> 00:11:18.440 been teaching you guys for the last ten years on KFI, I did them. 155 00:11:18.759 --> 00:11:22.159 I did them because I've been teaching them. We teach best what we 156 00:11:22.240 --> 00:11:28.519 most need to learn. And I was able to build a secure attachment for 157 00:11:28.639 --> 00:11:33.039 the first time in my life. I literally this morning, we were in 158 00:11:33.039 --> 00:11:35.480 bed and I said I was going somewhere for the day and he was going 159 00:11:35.480 --> 00:11:37.480 somewhere for the day. And I said, oh, I'm not going to 160 00:11:37.519 --> 00:11:41.360 see you all day and he's and I said, I don't think I've ever 161 00:11:41.399 --> 00:11:43.960 had this kind of feeling where I didn't even want to take a day off 162 00:11:45.000 --> 00:11:48.480 from somebody. And he said me either, never had this feeling. So 163 00:11:48.639 --> 00:11:52.240 now that I have what's called a secure attachment, I find myself up just 164 00:11:52.279 --> 00:11:58.399 a little, just a little less interested in, you know, hardcore relationship 165 00:11:58.440 --> 00:12:01.399 advice, although you'll notice come up later in the show. I have a 166 00:12:01.440 --> 00:12:05.960 lot of stuff for happily together couples to keep it happily together. Right, 167 00:12:05.240 --> 00:12:09.279 So we're going to talk about whether a relationship can survive cheating. Ten topics 168 00:12:09.360 --> 00:12:13.039 you should be talking about to make your relationship stronger, et cetera. I'm 169 00:12:13.039 --> 00:12:16.399 still learning that, Okay, still keeping it with you. But anyway, 170 00:12:16.679 --> 00:12:20.799 so on TikTok, lately, you know i'd circle around. I say this 171 00:12:20.840 --> 00:12:22.840 to my students too. I get off on side railroad trains of stories and 172 00:12:22.840 --> 00:12:26.080 then I circle it back. We're talking about social media and kids. So 173 00:12:26.200 --> 00:12:33.080 on my TikTok, I've been doing lots of videos talking about how I'm changing, 174 00:12:33.960 --> 00:12:37.559 and one of the videos is describing a road trip I took during COVID 175 00:12:37.559 --> 00:12:45.200 with two teenagers to eight different states and I at one. I've attended many 176 00:12:45.679 --> 00:12:50.000 Black Lives Matter protests because it was during those days, and one of them 177 00:12:50.200 --> 00:12:54.080 was up in a tiny town in Montana, and I showed video of this 178 00:12:54.519 --> 00:12:58.799 and I was really quite astounded at how many people came out fully armed. 179 00:13:00.840 --> 00:13:05.159 Well, I just showed the video right very few seconds of it, TikTok 180 00:13:05.559 --> 00:13:07.679 banned me, warned me, shut me down. It was the craziest and 181 00:13:07.720 --> 00:13:11.559 I couldn't figure out why I got this warning. I was just talking about 182 00:13:11.600 --> 00:13:13.600 a road trip and teenagers and what we ate and where we stayed. But 183 00:13:13.639 --> 00:13:18.399 then one of my I posted another video saying does anybody know why my last 184 00:13:18.440 --> 00:13:22.440 video was taken down? And then they said they don't allow pew pews. 185 00:13:22.480 --> 00:13:24.799 That's the code, that's the code that the robots can't understand. Pew pew. 186 00:13:26.759 --> 00:13:31.200 Apparently that means again anywhere on TikTok, so I was both happy about 187 00:13:31.240 --> 00:13:37.360 this news and upset that my wonderful video that I spent a long time editing 188 00:13:37.600 --> 00:13:39.279 got taken down. By the way, it did get put back up because 189 00:13:39.320 --> 00:13:43.120 I edited out that particular scene, So if you want to go look at 190 00:13:43.120 --> 00:13:46.600 it, it's up there on TikTok. So you know, as our government 191 00:13:46.679 --> 00:13:52.279 is trying harder and harder to protect kids, and there's all these rumors that 192 00:13:52.399 --> 00:13:54.919 TikTok is going to be banned because the Chinese are spying on us and our 193 00:13:56.000 --> 00:14:00.519 kids, and they're dominating and manipulating and controlling the brains of our youth. 194 00:14:01.399 --> 00:14:05.360 All very true. By the way, I think the social media companies are 195 00:14:05.360 --> 00:14:11.919 starting to get nervous and take some personal responsibility. The data is undeniable, 196 00:14:13.039 --> 00:14:20.679 this infinite scroll that young brains enacting. They're scrolling and scrolling and scrolling where 197 00:14:20.679 --> 00:14:24.799 they stay engaged in those videos as long as possible. The research is clear 198 00:14:24.840 --> 00:14:28.879 that this is not okay for kids. You see, because of children's brain 199 00:14:28.919 --> 00:14:35.120 development, they don't have a fully developed prefrontal cortex that's impulse control. They 200 00:14:35.120 --> 00:14:39.720 don't have the ability to stop themselves or regulate their behaviors. Right, we 201 00:14:39.759 --> 00:14:41.879 get mad at them that they're on their phones too long. And that's like 202 00:14:41.960 --> 00:14:46.080 saying, why do you keep eating all that sugar when we're the ones feeding 203 00:14:46.120 --> 00:14:48.240 it to you. Right, So they're addicted. They're addicted, mom and 204 00:14:48.320 --> 00:14:54.000 dad. So technology, now, there have been some of the tech companies 205 00:14:54.360 --> 00:15:01.080 have enacted forty four changes across different platforms to improve youth safe and well being. 206 00:15:01.480 --> 00:15:05.799 So this includes things like listen up. Instagram has announced that it will 207 00:15:05.840 --> 00:15:11.759 filter comments considered to be bullying. So now because of good AI and the 208 00:15:11.879 --> 00:15:15.480 robots, it'll scroll through the comments. If it looks like it's nasty, 209 00:15:15.960 --> 00:15:20.159 then they're just going to get rid of it. It's also using machine learning 210 00:15:20.360 --> 00:15:26.440 to identify bullying photos. I wonder what's a bullying photo. Maybe when they 211 00:15:26.440 --> 00:15:28.440 take someone's face and do weird things with it or whatever and making fun of 212 00:15:28.440 --> 00:15:35.159 them. I don't know. Also, YouTube is now going to alert users 213 00:15:35.559 --> 00:15:39.879 when their comments are deemed defensive, so you'll get a little note saying we 214 00:15:39.919 --> 00:15:45.799 don't like this on this platform, and YouTube promises to remove hate speech. 215 00:15:46.240 --> 00:15:52.840 Now. Privacy is another issue right. Instagram says it will notify miners when 216 00:15:52.879 --> 00:16:00.840 they are interacting with an adult who has been flagged for suspicious behaviors. I 217 00:16:00.840 --> 00:16:04.720 wonder of miners would be alerted about me because I got flagged for the gun 218 00:16:04.759 --> 00:16:07.759 thing. You never know, I might be in a system now as a 219 00:16:07.759 --> 00:16:15.360 bad person. Not that I send dms to minors anyway. And it also 220 00:16:15.559 --> 00:16:19.440 does not allow adults to this one to message miners who are more than two 221 00:16:19.559 --> 00:16:22.120 years younger than they are. You know, the two year gap. You 222 00:16:22.159 --> 00:16:29.000 know why because that conforms to the statutory rape thing. So statutory rape is 223 00:16:29.039 --> 00:16:32.679 like, obviously you can't have sex with somebody under the age of eighteen, 224 00:16:33.240 --> 00:16:36.600 but if you are nineteen, you could have sex with a seventeen year old. 225 00:16:36.639 --> 00:16:40.120 That's to keep the nineteen year olds and their girlfriends from going to jail 226 00:16:40.159 --> 00:16:44.360 for that, right, So it's two year gap. The other thing you're 227 00:16:44.399 --> 00:16:48.159 trying to do is improve time management. So many of the platforms YouTube Kids 228 00:16:48.200 --> 00:16:52.799 has in fact turned off auto play, you know how when you get on 229 00:16:52.840 --> 00:16:56.320 YouTube and it goes from one video to another video to another video. Won't 230 00:16:56.320 --> 00:16:57.879 do that for kids. They have to search and select the new one, 231 00:16:57.919 --> 00:17:02.559 which takes time. They're also going to have more notifications telling people like, 232 00:17:02.600 --> 00:17:04.279 you've been on too long, but I'm telling you that doesn't work. There's 233 00:17:04.279 --> 00:17:07.000 this guy on TikTok who jumps and he goes, hold up, now, 234 00:17:07.279 --> 00:17:10.799 you've been scrolling for too long, and as soon as I see him, 235 00:17:10.839 --> 00:17:15.240 I just swipe past him. So I don't really think that works. Hey, 236 00:17:15.279 --> 00:17:18.640 speaking of social media, when we come back, there's an unlikely social 237 00:17:18.680 --> 00:17:23.039 media platform you probably use every single day that's now the number one platform being 238 00:17:23.160 --> 00:17:26.759 used to find love. Let's talk about how you could use it if you're 239 00:17:26.799 --> 00:17:32.720 single. When we come back, you're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand 240 00:17:32.920 --> 00:17:37.319 from KFI AM six forty. Well, the way that people meet and mate 241 00:17:37.359 --> 00:17:42.799 in the mating marketplace seems to have changed. I think people are getting sick 242 00:17:42.960 --> 00:17:47.599 of traditional dating apps. I don't know why, by the way, because 243 00:17:47.799 --> 00:17:52.160 I use Bumble and I found my love on Bumble. But I do want 244 00:17:52.160 --> 00:17:56.480 to say this, it's not about the dating apps that are bad. People 245 00:17:56.480 --> 00:18:00.279 always say I hate the dating apps. They're bad. It's not about the 246 00:18:00.319 --> 00:18:03.359 apps. It's about the skill. And I've done lots of segments in the 247 00:18:03.400 --> 00:18:06.480 past where I talked about how to use dating apps. Well, I'm going 248 00:18:06.559 --> 00:18:11.039 to continue to continue to teach that, so stay with me. Also, 249 00:18:11.079 --> 00:18:15.000 you know. I do this Patreon Zoom group every Wednesday night at six thirty. 250 00:18:15.079 --> 00:18:18.200 So if you ever want to come on, you can ask me any 251 00:18:18.279 --> 00:18:22.640 questions about dating apps, et cetera. I'll be happy to even weigh in 252 00:18:22.680 --> 00:18:26.200 on your profile and tell you what you can do. But new research this 253 00:18:26.240 --> 00:18:32.880 week from datingnews dot com, also published on datingadvice dot com, says that 254 00:18:33.039 --> 00:18:40.440 the number one platform that people are looking for mates on is Kayla. You're 255 00:18:40.480 --> 00:18:47.440 not going to believe this LinkedIn really LinkedIn the business more than Instagram. Uh 256 00:18:47.559 --> 00:18:52.880 huh wow, more than Instagram. Okay, so let's talk about dating and 257 00:18:52.920 --> 00:18:57.319 mating in the workplace. According to research from getnaxt dot org, twenty two 258 00:18:57.400 --> 00:19:03.000 percent of married couples in America met through work and fifty two percent of employees 259 00:19:03.480 --> 00:19:08.480 have been involved at one point or another in a workplace romance. Uh huh. 260 00:19:08.920 --> 00:19:14.079 A survey from the Society for Human Resource Management, they found that a 261 00:19:14.160 --> 00:19:18.119 quarter there's about twenty five percent folks. One in four of US workers reported 262 00:19:18.160 --> 00:19:22.680 that they are open to having a workplace romance. And just last year, 263 00:19:23.160 --> 00:19:30.160 Forbes Advisor commissioned a survey of two thousand employed Americans and they found that sixty 264 00:19:30.200 --> 00:19:33.880 percent of adults have had a workplace romance, and of those, forty three 265 00:19:33.960 --> 00:19:38.119 percent married someone they worked with. Now this is a problem because we are 266 00:19:38.160 --> 00:19:45.200 post me too now hashtag me too. Human resources departments know that romances at 267 00:19:45.200 --> 00:19:51.640 the workplace can be a legal nightmare. So it kind of makes sense to 268 00:19:51.720 --> 00:19:57.799 me that LinkedIn has exploded as an online mating marketplace. Let's think about it. 269 00:19:59.039 --> 00:20:02.680 Since the pandemic, everyone had to pivot right and go online for everything 270 00:20:02.759 --> 00:20:07.400 their work, et cetera. So people moved from water cooler conversations at the 271 00:20:07.440 --> 00:20:12.200 office to emails, DM zooms, even online networking events. I'm going to 272 00:20:12.200 --> 00:20:15.759 go out on a limb here and tell you that I would say that evolutionary 273 00:20:15.799 --> 00:20:23.000 psychologists would argue that the whole darn reason why people have occupations, professions, 274 00:20:23.039 --> 00:20:30.480 and work is less about basic survival and much more about increasing their mate status 275 00:20:30.519 --> 00:20:32.880 in the eyes of others. Let me tell you. When I was on 276 00:20:32.920 --> 00:20:37.640 the dating apps, there was no such thing as an employee, no such 277 00:20:37.680 --> 00:20:42.839 thing as a coworker. There were founders, vps, managers, consultants. 278 00:20:44.200 --> 00:20:48.519 I mean, I had a handyman once and I said, what do you 279 00:20:48.559 --> 00:20:51.640 put on your app profile that you do and he goes, oh that I'm 280 00:20:51.680 --> 00:20:56.359 in construction management. Okay, why not? That's what people do. Now. 281 00:20:57.000 --> 00:21:03.079 If you compare a LinkedIn profile with a dating app profile, you get 282 00:21:03.119 --> 00:21:06.920 so much more. In LinkedIn, you can do a deep dive into somebody's 283 00:21:06.960 --> 00:21:11.519 background. You could estimate their income, you can look at their whole network 284 00:21:11.680 --> 00:21:17.720 of people. They even might mention their hobbies. Any volunteer work they do. 285 00:21:18.240 --> 00:21:21.400 Schooling is a good one. What if they went to your alma mata 286 00:21:21.400 --> 00:21:22.200 and you can call them up and go, hey, I'm an alumni, 287 00:21:22.880 --> 00:21:27.720 or what if they're from your hometown. All that is in most LinkedIn profiles. 288 00:21:27.960 --> 00:21:30.920 So here are the best benefits from meeting on LinkedIn. In my opinion, 289 00:21:30.960 --> 00:21:33.240 I'm going to tell you the best way to do it after this Number 290 00:21:33.279 --> 00:21:37.200 one, you can find someone with real world common interest. They could be 291 00:21:37.200 --> 00:21:40.400 from a specific industry that you might be in. They might be doing charity 292 00:21:40.440 --> 00:21:45.240 work your college. Also, it allows you, when you scroll through LinkedIn 293 00:21:45.279 --> 00:21:51.880 profiles, to find really targeted commonality rather than what I would like to call 294 00:21:52.759 --> 00:21:56.839 the pithy self promotion that people write on dating app profiles. I mean, 295 00:21:57.400 --> 00:22:03.240 who doesn't love sunset walks on the beach. Gag me, I'm done with 296 00:22:03.279 --> 00:22:07.839 it. Right hiking. Let's go hiking right now. Another benefit of LinkedIn 297 00:22:07.079 --> 00:22:11.240 is that you can really vet people. I know that the dating apps in 298 00:22:11.279 --> 00:22:17.079 recent years allow people to connect their profiles with their Instagram profiles, so you 299 00:22:17.119 --> 00:22:18.559 can kind of see who their friends are. See if you know someone in 300 00:22:18.599 --> 00:22:22.440 common but on LinkedIn, their professional network is right there before your eyes. 301 00:22:22.799 --> 00:22:27.359 You can investigate them through real world contexts. You can look at their comments, 302 00:22:27.400 --> 00:22:30.799 you can see who they're reviewing. And here's the best part about LinkedIn. 303 00:22:30.960 --> 00:22:33.440 Just want to say it, get it out there. There's no HR 304 00:22:33.559 --> 00:22:37.319 policy to worry about. Since the advent, as I mentioned of the me 305 00:22:37.400 --> 00:22:42.880 too movement, workplace romances have become a nightmare for human resource departments. Many 306 00:22:42.960 --> 00:22:49.480 companies have even enacted love contracts or complete romance prohibitions in their employment contracts. 307 00:22:49.839 --> 00:22:53.359 So so far, I mean until next month, I guess I don't know. 308 00:22:55.000 --> 00:23:00.279 LinkedIn doesn't have any HR hall monitor to get nosy about your noodling, 309 00:23:00.799 --> 00:23:03.680 So how do you do it? First of all, I do want to 310 00:23:03.680 --> 00:23:07.920 say this, do not send a private DM to a stranger on LinkedIn with 311 00:23:07.160 --> 00:23:12.000 anything flirty. You wouldn't do it if you met somebody in a restaurant or 312 00:23:12.000 --> 00:23:17.160 a grocery store, why would you do it online. So the first thing 313 00:23:17.200 --> 00:23:21.799 you do if you identify somebody who's attractive to you is you follow them, 314 00:23:22.119 --> 00:23:26.400 and then you become a watcher. You follow them and you ask yourself what 315 00:23:26.480 --> 00:23:29.759 posts are they commenting on? How active are they on the site? What 316 00:23:29.799 --> 00:23:32.880 can you learn about them by what they're posting? Just watch them for a 317 00:23:32.880 --> 00:23:36.240 while and it sounds creepy, but this is what people do. Okay a 318 00:23:36.319 --> 00:23:38.240 second. Now you're going to enlist your mutual connections. They have a thing 319 00:23:38.279 --> 00:23:41.440 on LinkedIn mutual connection. You click on them and you see who you know 320 00:23:41.559 --> 00:23:45.680 in common. So are you intimate enough with any of those people to get 321 00:23:45.680 --> 00:23:49.160 some information? Could you send them a simple message saying like, hey, 322 00:23:49.319 --> 00:23:52.680 is so and so single? Do you know? Or could you introduce me? 323 00:23:52.839 --> 00:23:56.359 Or whatever? You can? You see the network right there. Now, 324 00:23:56.480 --> 00:24:00.559 when you get brave, you can finally send a private message. Now, 325 00:24:00.799 --> 00:24:04.960 please make it short and sweet and keep the topic on business at first, 326 00:24:06.440 --> 00:24:08.759 include a mention of whatever your common interest is. You know, maybe 327 00:24:08.839 --> 00:24:11.640 you have the same you work for the same charity, went to the same 328 00:24:11.680 --> 00:24:15.759 university, whatever, same hometown, whatever. But don't be flirty. It's 329 00:24:15.920 --> 00:24:22.200 creepy when a complete stranger sends a flirty kind of DM and then all you 330 00:24:22.240 --> 00:24:26.960 do is you watch for their response. Do they reciprocate? When they reciprocate, 331 00:24:26.200 --> 00:24:30.920 do they extend the conversation by asking you a question? If they're kurt, 332 00:24:32.319 --> 00:24:37.599 short, perfunctory, or worse completely silent, you got your answer, 333 00:24:37.160 --> 00:24:44.119 don't pursue further. Okay, silence is an answer. And then my suggestion 334 00:24:44.160 --> 00:24:48.000 would be getting the real world fast, find a professional pretense to get on 335 00:24:48.039 --> 00:24:51.799 the phone or zoom and then you know. Then you got the advantage of 336 00:24:51.880 --> 00:24:56.119 visuals right and voice, and your brain will be able to pull in more 337 00:24:56.160 --> 00:24:59.279 information about whether this person is right for you. So then it gets back 338 00:24:59.319 --> 00:25:03.000 to real world dating. That's how you do it. Don't be creepy, 339 00:25:03.279 --> 00:25:06.279 keep it light, keep it on business. You want to keep them as 340 00:25:06.279 --> 00:25:10.720 a business contact if it doesn't work out, right, But I totally understand 341 00:25:10.720 --> 00:25:15.119 why people are doing it. Alrighty, when we come back, let us 342 00:25:15.240 --> 00:25:22.519 talk on the same note about why your company needs a love contract, because 343 00:25:22.559 --> 00:25:27.039 there's some shenanigans going on when it comes to love in real world workplaces. 344 00:25:27.680 --> 00:25:33.160 You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. You 345 00:25:33.200 --> 00:25:37.480 know, in life and in our culture, rules are changing all the time, 346 00:25:37.799 --> 00:25:41.319 and it's really important that we keep up with the changes in our culture. 347 00:25:41.880 --> 00:25:48.720 Remember, the very existence of a human being is every day and sometimes 348 00:25:48.759 --> 00:25:53.559 in every moment, making a decision between your personal survival you might call it 349 00:25:53.559 --> 00:25:57.400 selfishness and the survival of the tribe. Because we are not meant to be 350 00:25:57.440 --> 00:26:00.920 alone. We are wired to bond, we are wired to have social support. 351 00:26:02.000 --> 00:26:06.079 In fact, the worst thing for humans is isolation. We learned that 352 00:26:06.279 --> 00:26:10.519 during quarantine, and so we also have to keep our ear to the ground 353 00:26:10.599 --> 00:26:15.319 of what the tribe says is acceptable. You know, before the break, 354 00:26:15.400 --> 00:26:21.200 I was talking about how LinkedIn is now one of the most powerful platforms where 355 00:26:21.240 --> 00:26:26.519 people are finding love, and I think that's sort of a digital way of 356 00:26:26.559 --> 00:26:33.000 people moving away from being direct in workplaces. In workplaces, it is very 357 00:26:33.039 --> 00:26:37.039 important that we understand that people need to feel safe in a work environment. 358 00:26:37.640 --> 00:26:42.359 Now, that doesn't mean that you cannot meet somebody at work, but it 359 00:26:42.400 --> 00:26:45.519 does mean that if you do make an overture to somebody, who better be 360 00:26:45.599 --> 00:26:52.000 on your level, meaning not somebody under you and you're the manager. Okay, 361 00:26:52.079 --> 00:26:55.599 can't do that. That's sexual harassment for sure. If you hold any 362 00:26:55.680 --> 00:27:00.400 kind of power over a person, influence even for a promotion, their paycheck, 363 00:27:00.559 --> 00:27:03.839 whatever, you can't ask them out, just don't, okay. But 364 00:27:03.880 --> 00:27:07.160 if they're in another department and on around the same level, of course you 365 00:27:07.240 --> 00:27:11.039 might meet somebody. However, you don't want them to feel uncomfortable. So 366 00:27:11.079 --> 00:27:15.160 if you make a little overture and it's not responded to, then move away. 367 00:27:15.440 --> 00:27:19.160 That's actually I think employment lawyers would agree with me that that's not considered 368 00:27:19.480 --> 00:27:25.319 sexual harassment. Sexual harassment is continual or it is quid pro crow. If 369 00:27:25.319 --> 00:27:27.680 you don't do this, then you're not going to get this promotion, or 370 00:27:27.799 --> 00:27:33.200 it's like this toxic environment where you're constantly people are making comments about your body 371 00:27:33.279 --> 00:27:37.960 all the time. Right. I have a coworker not here, not here, 372 00:27:37.319 --> 00:27:41.160 at another place who always mentions if I've lost weight or gained weight every 373 00:27:41.200 --> 00:27:45.640 time I see them. And I don't know if you're aware that women lose 374 00:27:45.680 --> 00:27:48.480 and gain four or five pounds on a regular basis. That's just our life. 375 00:27:48.480 --> 00:27:52.440 That's what women do, and it irritates me every time, so I 376 00:27:52.480 --> 00:27:55.440 finally just tend to gently say, hey, you know, nowadays we don't 377 00:27:55.440 --> 00:27:57.039 talk about women's bodies at all in the workplace. It just like I said, 378 00:27:57.039 --> 00:28:00.519 it real sweet and cute and ke you stopped. So there you go. 379 00:28:02.400 --> 00:28:06.359 So many companies to protect themselves from all the sexual harassment lawsuits that have 380 00:28:06.400 --> 00:28:14.440 flown around is they write a love contract for their employees. Now, these 381 00:28:14.480 --> 00:28:17.599 things have been used for decades, but since the Me Too movement in twenty 382 00:28:17.680 --> 00:28:22.039 seventeen, their use is pretty widespread in a lot of industries. It's essentially 383 00:28:22.079 --> 00:28:27.440 a legal document. It's signed by two employees who are having a romantic relationship, 384 00:28:27.480 --> 00:28:33.440 and your original employment contract might say something like if you enter into a 385 00:28:33.519 --> 00:28:37.880 romantic relationship in the workplace, you must report it to HR and then you 386 00:28:37.920 --> 00:28:41.519 will be asked to sign a love contract. The whole reason it's designed to 387 00:28:41.519 --> 00:28:47.720 protect the company from claims right and also from other coworkers witnessing. Would you 388 00:28:47.799 --> 00:28:52.480 guys get going on and calling that a hostile work environment? There is nothing 389 00:28:52.920 --> 00:28:59.119 more uncomfortable when you're trying to get your job done to see two colleagues canoodling 390 00:28:59.200 --> 00:29:03.680 over by the water. So the love contract might have rules about that too. 391 00:29:03.519 --> 00:29:08.559 So the love contract should prohibit all kinds of sexual harassment as I mentioned, 392 00:29:08.559 --> 00:29:15.359 including quid pro quo and toxic environment. They also make you both admit 393 00:29:15.720 --> 00:29:21.480 that the relationship is consensual and that it won't have a negative impact on your 394 00:29:21.480 --> 00:29:26.440 work at all. It also may include the possibility of department transfer. So 395 00:29:26.680 --> 00:29:30.799 if you do fall in love with the office and you do report it to 396 00:29:30.960 --> 00:29:34.319 HR as you were told you're supposed to do, one of you might have 397 00:29:34.359 --> 00:29:37.680 to be transferred. That might just be a rule at our company. Their 398 00:29:37.880 --> 00:29:41.599 HR department says, I mean, I'm not talking about our company, iHeart, 399 00:29:41.599 --> 00:29:45.000 I mean they're whatever high hypothetical company I'm talking about. Their HR department 400 00:29:45.079 --> 00:29:48.079 might say, here, at our company, as soon as you admit that 401 00:29:48.119 --> 00:29:52.240 you're in a romantic relationship, one of you've got to go, not leave 402 00:29:52.279 --> 00:29:56.160 the company, but will facilitate a transfer it. Also, this is thetant 403 00:29:56.200 --> 00:30:02.160 important part. So relationships at the office usually aren't so bad until it ends 404 00:30:02.519 --> 00:30:04.559 right, and then people don't want to work with the person and it's a 405 00:30:04.559 --> 00:30:10.839 toxic environment there. So the love contract might include things about what happens if 406 00:30:10.839 --> 00:30:18.640 it ends that protects employees from inappropriate conduct retaliation. Also, of course, 407 00:30:18.799 --> 00:30:23.759 love contracts are going to include limitations on public displays of affection at the office. 408 00:30:23.839 --> 00:30:27.519 This is gross. Don't be kissing in the hallway, that's just weird. 409 00:30:29.880 --> 00:30:33.680 So according to research, there are plenty of reasons why HR departments need 410 00:30:33.720 --> 00:30:38.480 to have love contracts. One study showed that one in four employees are open 411 00:30:38.519 --> 00:30:44.960 to having an office romance, and one in five married couples in America actually 412 00:30:45.279 --> 00:30:48.759 met at work. So even if you do lay down the law and attempt 413 00:30:48.759 --> 00:30:55.160 to say enforce a no workplace dating at all rule, that rule is going 414 00:30:55.200 --> 00:31:00.880 to be broken. There are exceptions in love contracts, like you can date 415 00:31:00.200 --> 00:31:03.759 subordinates. That's a lose lose for the subordinate. You got to know that. 416 00:31:04.400 --> 00:31:10.319 And also remember love gets messy. There's gossip around the office. It's 417 00:31:10.359 --> 00:31:14.960 going to happen when it starts. There could be envy, jealousy, resentment, 418 00:31:15.599 --> 00:31:21.000 ugly breakups. This can be a big problem for companies and for HR 419 00:31:21.079 --> 00:31:26.519 departments. So it's really important that to avoid all this drama that companies set 420 00:31:26.599 --> 00:31:30.119 up some specific guidelines. I personally think it's a great idea. I think 421 00:31:30.200 --> 00:31:33.480 in everybody's employment of contract it should be. Look, if you date anybody 422 00:31:33.480 --> 00:31:37.200 at the office, you got to disclose it to us, and if you 423 00:31:37.319 --> 00:31:41.519 don't, then that could lead to termination of your contract. And then if 424 00:31:41.559 --> 00:31:45.240 you do, you'll be asked to sign a love contract in some way. 425 00:31:45.759 --> 00:31:52.839 Let's face it, workplace romances are land mines, okay, but we're doing 426 00:31:52.880 --> 00:31:55.720 it like one in four people, right, it's so crazy. All right. 427 00:31:55.759 --> 00:31:57.160 When we come back, I'm going to go to my social media and 428 00:31:57.200 --> 00:32:01.880 I'm going to be answering some of your relationship questions. The handle everywhere is 429 00:32:01.960 --> 00:32:07.160 at doctor Wendy Walsh, at Dr Wendy Walsh, Instagram, YouTube, TikTok 430 00:32:07.160 --> 00:32:08.519 wherever to send me a message. I'm not going to say your name on 431 00:32:08.559 --> 00:32:12.319 air, will keep it private, okay, but send me a question. 432 00:32:12.359 --> 00:32:16.119 I'll be happy to answer it. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. 433 00:32:16.160 --> 00:32:20.599 You can always hear us live on KFI Am six forty from seven to nine 434 00:32:20.640 --> 00:32:23.839 pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.