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A Foreign Office Romance by Arthur Conan
Doyle. There are many folk anew Alfonse

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Laqueur in his old age, from
about the time of the Revolution of forty

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eight until he died in the second
year of the Crimean War, he was

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always to be found in the same
corner of the Cafe de Provence at the

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end of the Rue Saint Rorey,
coming down about nine in the evening,

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and going when he could find no
one to talk with. It took some

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self restraint to listen to the old
diplomatist, for his stories were beyond all

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belief, and yet he was quick
at detecting the shadow of a smile or

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the slightest little raising of the eyebrows. Then his huge rounded back would straighten

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itself, his bulldog chin would project, and his ars would bur like a

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kettle drum. When he got as
far as ah monsieur rite er vulnem mikroie

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pabunc, it was quite time to
remember that you had a ticket for the

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opera. There was his story of
Talleyrand and the Five oyster shells, and

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there was his utterly absurd account of
Napoleon's second visit to a Jacquio. Then

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there was that most circumstantial romance,
which he never ventured upon until his second

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bottle had been on cork of the
Emperor's escape from Saint Helena. How he

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lived for a whole year in Philadelphia, while Count Ebert de Berkhan, who

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was his living image, personated him
at Longwood. But of all his stories

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there was none which was more notorious
than that of the Koran and the Foreign

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Office Messenger. And yet when Monsieur
Otto's memoirs were written, it was found

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that there really was some foundation for
old Lequeur's incredible statement. You must know,

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Monsieur. He would say that I
left Egypt after Clabert's assassination. I

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would gladly have stayed on, for
I was engaged in a translation of the

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Koran, and between ourselves, I
had thoughts at the time of embracing Mahometanism,

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for I was deeply struck by the
wisdom of their views about marriage.

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They had made an incredible mistake,
however, upon the subject of wine,

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and this was what the Mufti who
attempted to convert me, could never get

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over. Then, when Old Clabert
died and Menu came to the top,

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I felt that it was time for
me to go. It's not for me

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to speak of my own capabilities,
Monsieur, but you will really understand that

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the man does not care to be
ridden by the mule. I carried my

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koren and my papers to London,
where Monsieur Otto had been sent by the

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First Council to arrange a treaty of
peace, for both nations were very weary

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of the war, which had already
lasted ten years. Here I was most

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useful to Monsieur Otto an account of
my knowledge of English tongue, and also,

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if I may say so, on
account of my natural capacity. They

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were happy days during which I lived
in the square of Bloomsbergy. The climate

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of Monsieur's country, as it must
be confessed, detestable. But then what

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would you have. Flowers grow best
in the rain. One has but to

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point to the Monsieur's fellow country women
to prove it well. Monsieur Ratto,

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our ambassador, was kept terribly busy
over that treaty, and all of his

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staff were worked to death. We
had not Pitt to deal with, which

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was perhaps as well for us.
He was a terrible man, that Pitt.

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And wherever half a dozen enemies of
France were plotting together. There was

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a sharp pointed nose right in the
middle of them. The nation, however,

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had been thoughtful enough to put him
out of office, and we had

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to do with Monsieur Addington. But
my Lord Hawkesbury was the Foreign Minister,

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and it was with him that we
were obliged to do our bargaining. You

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can understand that it was no child's
play. After ten years of war,

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each nation had got hold of a
great deal which had belonged to the other

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or to the other's allies. What
was to be given back and what was

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to be kept? Is this island
worth that peninsula? If we do this

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at Venice, will you do that
at Sierra Leone? If we give up

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Egypt to the Sultan? Will you
restore the cape of good Hope which you

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have taken from our allies, the
Dutch. So we wrangled and wrestled,

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and I have seen Monsieur Otto come
back to the embassy so exhausted that his

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secretary and I had to help him
from carriage to his sofa. But at

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last things adjusted themselves, and the
night came round when the treaty was to

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be finally signed. Now you must
know that one great card which we held,

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the one great card, and which
we played, played, played at

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every point of the game, was
that we had Egypt. The English were

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very nervous about our being there.
It gave us a foot on each end

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of the Mediterranean, you say,
and they were not sure that that wonderful

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little Napoleon of ours might not make
it the base of an advance against India.

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So whenever Lord Hawkesbury proposed to retain
anything, we had only to reply,

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in that case, of course,
we cannot consent to evacuate Egypt.

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And in this way we quickly brought
him to reason. It was by the

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help of Egypt that we gained terms
that were remarkably favorable, and especially that

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we caused the English to consent to
give up the Cape of Good Hope.

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We did not wish your people,
monsieur, to have any foothold in South

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Africa. For history has taught us
that the British foothold of one half century

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is the British Empire the net.
It is not your army or your navy

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against which we have to guard,
but it is your terrible younger son and

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your man in search of a career, When we friends have at possession across

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the seas. We like to sit
in Paris and to felicitate ourselves upon it.

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With you, it is different.
You take your wives and your children,

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and you run away to see what
kind of a place this may be.

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And after that we might as well
try to take that old square of

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Bloomsbury away from you. But well, it was upon the first of October

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that the treaty was finally to be
signed. In the morning I was congratulating

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monsieur Otto upon the happy conclusion of
his labors. He was a little pale

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shrimp of a man, very quick
and nervous, and he was so delighted

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now at his own success that he
could not sit still, but ran about

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the room, chattering and laughing,
while I sat on a cushion in the

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corner, as I had learned to
do in the East. Suddenly in came

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a messenger with a letter which had
been forwarded from Paris. Monsieur Otto cast

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his eyes upon it, and then, without a word, his knees gave

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way, and he fell senseless upon
the floor. I ran to him,

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as did the courier, and between
us we carried him to the sofa.

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He might have been dead from his
appearance, but I could steal Phila's heart

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thrilling beneath my palm. What is
this, then, I asked, I

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I do not know, answered the
messenger. Monsieur Talian told me to hurry

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as never man hurried before, and
to put this letter into the hands of

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Monsieur Otto. I was in Paris
at mid day yesterday. I know that

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I am to blame, but I
could not help glancing at the letter,

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picking it out of the senseless hand
of Monsieur Otto. My god, the

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thunderbolt that it was, I did
not faint, but I sat down beside

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my chief and I burst into tears. It was but a few words,

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but they told us that Egypt had
been evacuated by our troops a month before.

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All our treaty was undone. Then
in the one consideration which had induced

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our enemies to give us good terms
and vanished in twelve hours, it would

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not have mattered. But now the
treaty was not yet signed. We should

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have to give up the cape.
We should have to let England have Malta.

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Now that Egypt was gone. We
had nothing to offer in exchange.

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Ah, But we are not so
easily beaten we frenchmen. You English misjudge

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us when you think that because we
show emotions which you conceal, that we

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are therefore of a weak and womanly
nature. You cannot read your histories and

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believe that. Monsieur Otto recovered his
sense presently, and we took counsel.

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What we should do? It is
useless to go on, Alphonse said,

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he this Englishman will laugh at me
when I ask him to sign courage,

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I cried, and then a sudden
thought came into my head. How do

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we know that the English will have
news of this? Perhaps they may sign

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the treaty before they know of it. Monsieur Otto sprang from the sofa and

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flung himself into my arms. Del
Fonse, he cried, you have saved

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me. Why should they know about
it? Our news has come from Toulon

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to Paris and then straight to London. Theirs will come by sea through the

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straits of Gibral. At this moment
it is unlikely that anyone in Paris knows

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of it, save only Talyland on
the First Council. If we keep our

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secret, we may still get our
treaty sign ah, Monsieur, you can

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imagine the horrible uncertainty in which we
spent the day. Never, never shall

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I forget those slow hours during which
we sat together, starting at every distant

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shout, lest it should be the
first sign of the rejoicing which this news

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would cause. In London, Monsieur
Otto passed from youth to age in a

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day. As for me, I
find it easier to go out and meet

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danger than to wait for it.
I set forth Therefore, toward evening I

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wandered here and wandered there. I
was in the fencing rooms of Monsieur Angelo,

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and in the cell on the box
of Monsieur Jackson, and in the

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club of Brooks, and in the
lobby of the Chamber of Deputies. But

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nowhere did I hear any news.
Still, it was possible that my Lord

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Hawkesbury had received it himself, just
as we had. He lived in Harley

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Street, and there it was that
the treaty was to be finally signed.

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That night, at eight I entreated
Monsieur to drink two glasses of Burgundy before

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he went, for I feared lest
his haggard face and trembling hands should arouse

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suspicion in the English minister. Well, we went round together in one of

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the embassy's carriages. About half past
seven, Monsieur Otto went in alone,

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but presently on excuse of getting his
portfolio. He came out again, with

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his cheeks flushed with joy, to
tell me that all was well. He

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knows nothing, he whispered. Ah, if the next half hour were over,

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give me a sign when it is
settled, said I. For what

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reason? Because until then no messenger
shall interrupt you. I give you my

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promise. I alphonse la caire.
He clasped my hands in both of his.

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I shall make an excuse to move
one of the candles on to the

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table in the window, said he, and hurried into the house, whilst

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I was left waiting beside the carriage. Well, if we could but secure

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ourselves from interruption for a single half
hour, the day would be our own.

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I had hardly begun to form my
plans when I saw the lights of

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a carriage coming swiftly from the direction
of Oxford STREETA. Oh, if it

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should be the messenger, what could
I do? I was prepared to kill

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him, Yes, even to kill
him, rather than at this last moment

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allow our work to be Undone thousands
die to make a glorious war Why should

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not one die to make a glorious
peace? What though they hurried me to

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the scaffold, I should have sacrificed
myself in my country. I had a

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little curved turkish knife strapped to my
waist. My hand was on the hilt

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of it. When the carriage which
had alarmed me so rattled safely past me.

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But another might come. I must
be prepared, above all, I

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must not compromise the embassy. I
ordered our carriage to move on, and

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I engaged what you call a Hackney
coach. Then I spoke to the driver

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and gave him a guinea. He
understood that it was a special service.

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You shall have another guinea if you
do what you are told, said I.

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Oh art Master, said he,
and turned his slow eyes upon me,

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without a trace of excitement of curiosity. If I enter your coach with

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another gin, you will drive up
and down Harley Street and take no orders

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from any one but me. When
I get out, you will carry the

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other gentleman to Wakyer's Club in Bruton
Street. Or Master, said he again.

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So I stood outside my Lord Hawkesbury's
house, and you can think how

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often my eyes went up to that
window in the help of seeing the candle

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twinkle in it. Five minutes passed
and another five. Oh, how slowly

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they crept along. It was a
true October night, raw and cold,

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with a white fog crawling over the
wet, shining cobblestones and blurring the dim

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oil lamps. I could not see
fifty paces in either direction, but my

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ears were straining, straining to catch
the rattle of hoofs or the rumble of

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wheels. It's not a cheering place, monsieur, this street of Harley,

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even upon a sunny day. The
houses are solid and very respectable over yonder,

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but there is nothing of the feminine
about them. It's a city to

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be inhabited by males. But on
that raw night, amid the damp and

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the fog, with the anxiety gnawing
at my heart, it seemed the saddest,

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weariest spot in the whole wide world. I paced up and down,

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slapping my hands to keep them warm, and still straining my ears. And

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then suddenly, out of the dull
hum of the traffic down in Oxford Street,

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I heard a sound detach itself and
grow louder and louder, and clearer

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and clearer with every instant until two
yellow lights came flashing through the fog,

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and a light cabriolet whirled up to
the door of the Foreign Minister. It

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had not stopped before a young fellow
sprang out of it and hurried to the

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steps, while the driver turned his
horse and rattled off into the fog once

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more. Ah, it is in
the moment of action that I am best,

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Monsieur. You, who only see
me when I am drinking my wine

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in the Cafe de Pravens, cannot
conceive the heights to which I rise.

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At that moment, when I knew
that the fruit of a ten years wore

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at stake, I was magnificent.
It was the last French campaign, and

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I the general and army in one
Sir, said I, touching him upon

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the arm Are you the messenger fort
Hawksberry, Yes, said he, I've

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been waiting for you half an hour. You to follow me at once.

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He is with the French ambassador.
I spoke with such assurance that he never

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hesitated for an instant When he entered
the Hackney coach and I followed him in

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my heart gave such a thrill of
joy that I could hardly keep from shouting

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aloud. He was a poor little
creature, this Foreign Office messenger not much

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bigger than Monsieur Ratteau. And I, Monsieur can see my hands now and

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imagine what they were like when I
was seven and twenty years of age.

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Well, now that I had him
in my coach, the question was what

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I should do with him. I
did not wish to hurt him if I

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could help it. This is pressing
business, said he. I have a

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dispatch which I must deliver instantly.
Our coach had rattled down Harley Street,

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but now in accordance with my instruction, had turned and began to go up

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again. Hello, Hello, he
cried, what's this? What? Then?

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I asked, we are driving back. Where is Lord Hawkesbury? We

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shall see him presently. Let me
out, Let me out, he shouted,

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There some trickery in this coachman stopped
the coach. Let me out,

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I say, I dashed him back
into his seat. As he tried to

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turn the handle of the door,
he roared for help. I clapped my

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palm across his mouth. He made
his teeth meet through the side of it.

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I seized his own cravat and bounded
over his lips. He still mumbled

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and gurgled, but the noise was
covered by the rattle of our wheels.

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We were passing the minister's house,
and there was no candle in the window.

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The messenger sat quiet for a little
and I could see the glint of

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his eyes as he stared at me
through the gloom. He was partly stunned,

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I think, by the force with
which I had hurled him into his

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seat, and also he was pondering, perhaps what he should do next.

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Presently he got his mouth partly free
from the cravat. You can have my

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watch and my purse if you will
let me go, said he. Sir

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said, I I am as honorable
a man as you are yourself. Who

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are you? Then? My name
is of no importance? What do you

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What do you want with me?
It? It is a bet, a

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bet? But what do you mean? And you understand that I'm on the

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government service and that you will see
the inside of jail, for there that

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is the bet. That is the
sport, said I. You will find

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a poor sport before you finish.
He cried, what is this insane bet

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of yours? Then I have bet, I answered that I will recite a

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chapter of the Koran to the first
gentleman whom I should meet in the street.

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Well, I don't know what what
would me think of it? Save

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that my translation was always running in
my head. He clutched at the door

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handle, and again I had to
hurl him back into his seat. How

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long will it take, he gasped. It depends on the chapter, I

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answered, A short one, then, and let me go. But is

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it fair? I argued. When
I say a chapter, I do not

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mean the shortest chapter, but rather
one which should be of average length.

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Help, help, help, he
squealed, and I was compelled again to

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adjust his cravat. A little patient, said I, and will soon be

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over. I should like to recite
the chapter which would be of most interest

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to yourself. Will confess that I
am trying to make things as pleasant as

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I can for you. He slipped
his mouth free again, quick, then

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quick he groaned up the chapter of
a camel, I suggested, Oh yes,

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yes, or that of the fleet's
Stagion, Oh yes, yes,

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only proceed. We had passed the
window and there was no candle. I

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settled down to recite the chapter of
the Stagion to him. Perhaps you do

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not know you Koren? Very well, monsieur, well, I knew it

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by heart then, as I know
it by heart now. The style is

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a little exasperating for anyone who is
in a hurry, But then what would

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you have. The people in the
east are never in a hurry, and

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it was written for them. I
repeated it all with the dignity and solemnity

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which a sacred book demands. And
the young Englishman he wriggled and groaned.

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When the horses, standing on three
feet and placing the tip of their fourth

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foot upon the ground, were mustered
in front of him in the evening,

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he said, I have loved the
love of earthly good above the remembrance of

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things on high, and have spent
the time in viewing these horses. Bring

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the horses back to me. And
when they were brought back, he began

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to cut off their legs. It
was at this moment that the young Englishman

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sprang at me, My God,
how little can I remember the next few

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minutes. He was a boxer,
this shred of a man he had been

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trained to strike. I tried to
catch him by the hands back pack.

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He came upon my nose and upon
my eye. I put down my head

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and thrust at him with it.
Pack he came from below, But ha

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I was too much for him.
I hurled myself upon him, and he

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had no place where he could escape
from my weight. He fell flat upon

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the cushions, and I seated myself
upon him with such conviction that the wind

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flew from him as from a burst
bellows. Then I searched to see what

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there was with which I could tie
him. I drew the strings from my

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shoes, and with one I secured
his wrists, and with another his ankles.

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Then I tied the clovat round his
mouth again, so that he could

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only lie and glare at me.
When I had done all this, and

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it stopped the bleeding of my own
nose, I looked out of the couch,

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and, Ah, monsieur, the
very first thing that caught my eyes

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was that candle, that dear little
candle, glimmering in the window of the

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minister. Alone with these two hands, I had retrieved the capitulation of an

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army and the loss of a province. Yes, monsieur, what Abercrombie and

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five thousand men had done upon the
beach of Abukuire was undone by me,

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single handed. In a Hackney coach
in Harley Street, well, of course,

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I had no time to lose,
for at any moment Monsieur Otto might

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be down. I shouted to my
driver, gave him his second guinea,

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and allowed him to proceed to Watier's. For myself. I sprang into our

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embassy carriage, and a moment later
the door of the minister opened. He

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had himself escorted Monsieur Otto downstairs,
and now so deep was he in talk

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that he walked out, bareheaded,
as far as the carriage. As I

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stood there by the open door,
there came the rattle of wheels, and

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a man rushed down the pavement,
a dispatch of great importance from Alorrd Hawksberry.

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He cried, I could see that
it was not my messenger, but

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a second one. Lord Hawkesbury caught
the paper from his hand and read it

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by the light of the carriage lamp. His face Monsieur was as white as

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this plate. Before he had finished, Monsieur Ratto, he cried, we

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have signed this treaty upon a false
understanding. Egypt is in our hands.

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What what cried Monsieur otter m poseubrus. It is certain it fell to Abercrombie

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last month. In that case,
said Monsieur Ratto. It is very fortunate

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that the treaty is signed. Very
fortunate for you, sir, cried my

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Lord Hawkesberry, and he turned back
to the house. Next day, Monsieur

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what they call the Bow Street runners
were after me, but they could not

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00:19:45,680 --> 00:19:51,720
run across salt water, and Alphonse
Laqueur was receiving the congratulations of Monsieur Talleyrand

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and the First Council. Before ever
his pursuers had got as far as Dover,

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and of a Foreign Office romance by
Arthur Conan Doyle