WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.800 --> 00:00:04.160 This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k I Am six forty, 2 00:00:04.200 --> 00:00:12.560 The Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app Doctor Doctor Benny the 3 00:00:12.679 --> 00:00:21.399 Lows, I gotta's loving you. K I Am six forty. You have 4 00:00:21.440 --> 00:00:24.359 Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I 5 00:00:24.359 --> 00:00:28.600 have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor and I've written three 6 00:00:28.600 --> 00:00:33.560 books on relationships. I'm obsessed with the science of love, but I'm also 7 00:00:33.679 --> 00:00:38.560 obsessed with all kinds of human relationships. This week, I want this week 8 00:00:38.560 --> 00:00:41.560 tonight, sit back. We've got two fun hours here. I want to 9 00:00:41.600 --> 00:00:48.000 talk about Navalney's widow Julia, does she have the psychological strength as a woman 10 00:00:48.439 --> 00:00:52.799 to take on Putin? And when it comes to your own relationship, I 11 00:00:52.840 --> 00:00:57.240 really want to talk about boundaries tonight. I think we need to revisit what 12 00:00:57.359 --> 00:01:02.560 a boundary is. And I have five favorite boundaries that I believe you should 13 00:01:02.600 --> 00:01:06.959 never ever cross if you're in a relationship. And later in the show, 14 00:01:07.359 --> 00:01:15.760 a divorce attorney tells us what red flags we should never ever ever ignore in 15 00:01:15.799 --> 00:01:21.079 a new relationship. Hmm, I guess that divorce attorney would have seen it 16 00:01:21.280 --> 00:01:25.079 all. All right, let's start with the weekend news. As you know, 17 00:01:25.239 --> 00:01:27.719 probably if unless you've been living under a rock. For the first time 18 00:01:27.760 --> 00:01:32.560 in history, a black woman has made it to the top of the country 19 00:01:32.640 --> 00:01:36.040 music charts. You know her name, everybody knows her. We're all part 20 00:01:36.040 --> 00:01:40.319 of the beehive. It is Beyonce, of course, and her song Texas 21 00:01:40.359 --> 00:01:47.359 Hold Him is such an ear worm that it has been in my head the 22 00:01:47.640 --> 00:01:51.439 entire week since it came out. I think she actually released two country songs 23 00:01:51.439 --> 00:01:56.760 in advance of an entire country album coming out. So I have this theory 24 00:01:57.319 --> 00:02:00.719 about the song Texas Hold Him that she's kind of bringing the country together. 25 00:02:01.560 --> 00:02:05.680 If you don't know the history of cowboys, do you know why they were 26 00:02:05.719 --> 00:02:09.800 called cowboys? It wasn't about their youth folks. Actually, it was very, 27 00:02:09.919 --> 00:02:15.439 very common for African American men to take care of cattle, and there 28 00:02:15.479 --> 00:02:22.439 are many black farmers out there, and they're underrepresented in country music and all 29 00:02:22.520 --> 00:02:25.280 the things that go around with countries. So anyway, I am thrilled that 30 00:02:25.280 --> 00:02:30.159 Beyonce has a song and that it's so famous, But I think she's politically 31 00:02:30.199 --> 00:02:34.240 bringing the country together. She literally says, a step to the left, 32 00:02:34.439 --> 00:02:38.080 something to the right. Come to the center with me, right, she 33 00:02:38.159 --> 00:02:40.639 says, pour a little sugar whiskey on me. Come on, you got 34 00:02:40.639 --> 00:02:44.879 to dance with me, Get out on the dance floor. I don't know. 35 00:02:45.120 --> 00:02:50.680 I just think it's politically inspired. I think she really anyway, I'm 36 00:02:50.719 --> 00:02:53.639 in love with Beyonce. We all know that I'm loving that song. I 37 00:02:53.719 --> 00:02:57.840 was even in an Ace hardware The song wasn't out but three days, and 38 00:02:57.879 --> 00:03:01.240 there it was the background music in a Ace hardware store. I'm like, 39 00:03:01.319 --> 00:03:04.680 okay, it's going to be huge hit for it. It's an airworm. 40 00:03:04.960 --> 00:03:08.719 It's an airworm, all right. In other news this week, I never 41 00:03:08.759 --> 00:03:14.599 met the man, but I shed a tear over the death of Alexei Navalni. 42 00:03:15.280 --> 00:03:20.159 He is the Russian opposition leader. If you didn't see the documentary, 43 00:03:20.319 --> 00:03:23.719 it's everywhere online. It was a CNN documentary. I saw it when it 44 00:03:23.719 --> 00:03:25.400 first came out. Then it won the Academy Award for Best Documentary. I 45 00:03:25.479 --> 00:03:30.439 rewatch it, Okay, I've seen it three times now. The documentary filmmaker 46 00:03:30.599 --> 00:03:37.719 asked him at the end, what if somebody seeing this sees it? After 47 00:03:37.759 --> 00:03:40.840 you die, what do you want to say to them? And he basically 48 00:03:40.879 --> 00:03:45.879 says, if they kill me, it means we're powerful. It means don't 49 00:03:45.879 --> 00:03:51.800 give up. Right, so he was. He died in a Russian prison 50 00:03:52.719 --> 00:03:58.280 a week ago. And remember he had been poisoned before and on a plane, 51 00:03:58.400 --> 00:04:01.039 and then they took him over to Germany and healed him and found out 52 00:04:01.080 --> 00:04:05.680 that they had this terrible toxin that disappears by the way, this toksin disappears 53 00:04:05.680 --> 00:04:09.280 in your body if you wait long enough. But they didn't get to wait 54 00:04:09.280 --> 00:04:15.520 long enough because the plane diverted really quickly. So now they kept the body. 55 00:04:15.560 --> 00:04:19.360 And of course the rumor is they wanted to wait until the poison got 56 00:04:19.360 --> 00:04:27.079 out of his system, and finally after nine days, after nine days, 57 00:04:27.279 --> 00:04:30.160 they handed the body to his mother. Now here's the gossip. Okay, 58 00:04:30.279 --> 00:04:31.959 I do a deep dive on the internet so I can bring you all the 59 00:04:32.040 --> 00:04:35.199 latest gossip. I don't know if any of this is true. I'm just 60 00:04:35.240 --> 00:04:41.319 saying this is what I read on the internet that apparently they only gave his 61 00:04:41.399 --> 00:04:44.639 mom the body. If they said, you have to bury it within three 62 00:04:44.680 --> 00:04:48.000 hours and you can't hold a big public funeral. You have to quietly, 63 00:04:48.120 --> 00:04:50.079 like get rid of the body. Otherwise we're not giving it to you. 64 00:04:50.120 --> 00:04:54.560 Ever, that's what the internet says. I don't know the truth. Actually, 65 00:04:54.560 --> 00:04:57.199 not just the Internet. The New York Times said that they're on the 66 00:04:57.240 --> 00:05:03.639 internet too. I guess so, just as inspirationtional his wife Yulia nevill naya. 67 00:05:04.240 --> 00:05:05.879 I hope I said that right, But I have a Russian in the 68 00:05:05.959 --> 00:05:09.959 room. She's gonna correct me in a minute. She published a six minute 69 00:05:10.000 --> 00:05:13.920 video on YouTube. By the way, she opened a Twitter account. Oh 70 00:05:13.920 --> 00:05:17.439 now we don't call it Twitter anymore, an X account, and within four 71 00:05:17.480 --> 00:05:24.639 hours, Elon Musk took her down, just took her account, blacked it 72 00:05:24.680 --> 00:05:29.279 out. Wonder what side he's on, folks. Anyway, the Twitter universe 73 00:05:29.399 --> 00:05:33.439 or the X universe got so upset and hammered Elon that he opened up the 74 00:05:33.480 --> 00:05:38.240 account again after four hours. So please go and follow her. When I 75 00:05:38.319 --> 00:05:41.360 checked last she only had three hundred thousand followers, but she should have millions 76 00:05:41.399 --> 00:05:45.000 of millions. Yulia, that's with a y. It's like Julia, but 77 00:05:45.040 --> 00:05:49.639 with a y. Naval nav al nahya n aya. And you can see 78 00:05:49.639 --> 00:05:51.839 the video, the full video. And by the way, you know on 79 00:05:53.199 --> 00:05:56.959 X like all your other social media's when they speak another language, all you 80 00:05:57.000 --> 00:05:59.759 do is you hit the little translate button. There's a little translate and then 81 00:05:59.800 --> 00:06:03.680 you get to see it in English or read the words subtitles. Anyway. 82 00:06:04.040 --> 00:06:08.000 She says she's taken over, she's going to be the leader of the opposition 83 00:06:08.079 --> 00:06:13.879 party. She's going to run stuff from Germany. And so I wanted to 84 00:06:13.920 --> 00:06:18.240 have somebody who knows a little more about this than I do, somebody who's 85 00:06:18.319 --> 00:06:23.240 actually Russian, who's been following this for a while. And now I'm gonna 86 00:06:23.240 --> 00:06:26.079 mess up her name. She just walked into the studio and so I didn't 87 00:06:26.079 --> 00:06:30.319 get a chance to practice her name. So Irina, let me start by 88 00:06:30.439 --> 00:06:36.600 trying to say your last name Proscorina. She's laughing, she's just laughing. 89 00:06:36.680 --> 00:06:46.519 It's a good okay, your name is i Rescrina, Irina Prescuna. I 90 00:06:46.560 --> 00:06:51.600 do better. I just needed to repeat. So one of the things you 91 00:06:51.800 --> 00:06:55.639 are, and I want to talk about it in the next segment is a 92 00:06:55.720 --> 00:07:00.759 relationship coach who helps people with a lot of mental health issues. And we 93 00:07:00.839 --> 00:07:05.519 had this interesting conversation when we met because we were talking about anxiety. We're 94 00:07:05.519 --> 00:07:09.720 going to talk about anxiety man, But I want to talk about Julia because 95 00:07:09.720 --> 00:07:12.920 she's my girl. Okay. Anyway, and one of the things you said 96 00:07:12.920 --> 00:07:15.000 to me that really stuck out is you said, Russians don't ever want to 97 00:07:15.040 --> 00:07:18.759 reduce anxiety, they feel they need it. It's Americans that are obsessed with 98 00:07:18.839 --> 00:07:23.839 reducing anxiety. Did I remember that correctly? Yeah? Okay, in the 99 00:07:23.879 --> 00:07:26.360 next segment, we're definitely going to talk about that. But first, can 100 00:07:26.399 --> 00:07:29.519 we talk about my girl Julia. First of all, she has a degree 101 00:07:29.560 --> 00:07:32.040 in economics. He was a lawyer, right, Alexi was a lawyer. 102 00:07:32.560 --> 00:07:35.279 Her kids are nearly grown, right, I think her son is still a 103 00:07:35.319 --> 00:07:40.720 teenager, but her daughter's at Stanford in the third year, so her motherhood 104 00:07:40.759 --> 00:07:44.519 responsibilities are kind of behind her. Do you think she has what it takes 105 00:07:44.519 --> 00:07:49.240 to lead this opposition party against Putin? Actually? Absolutely? And why do 106 00:07:49.279 --> 00:07:56.439 you think that? You know, it's an interesting question because all these years, 107 00:07:56.879 --> 00:08:01.839 Jula, she was the biggest support of Navali and everyone's saying. She 108 00:08:01.920 --> 00:08:07.879 also admitted that she wrote his interview text and a lot of his programs, 109 00:08:07.959 --> 00:08:16.319 so she was all this time his greater supporter and she took everything to make 110 00:08:16.360 --> 00:08:22.040 it through. So right now, it's just her turn. You know, 111 00:08:22.720 --> 00:08:30.199 do you worry about her safety while she's not in physically in Russia? I 112 00:08:30.279 --> 00:08:33.440 don't worry about herself. I don't know. But didn't an important people try 113 00:08:33.440 --> 00:08:37.960 to poison that family in London, the former oligarch who left and his daughter. 114 00:08:39.679 --> 00:08:43.720 Yeah, but you know Julia, it's a little bit different because she's 115 00:08:43.039 --> 00:08:48.639 very public right now and one of the most famous women I think these days 116 00:08:48.720 --> 00:08:54.960 in all around the world. And the other thing is that I don't think 117 00:08:56.200 --> 00:09:01.360 that put In take her seriously, you know, like I don't think that 118 00:09:01.519 --> 00:09:09.480 she she really think she's going to be like his competitor. Well, how 119 00:09:09.559 --> 00:09:15.120 is she actually going to lead the people in Russia who are followers of Navalny 120 00:09:15.639 --> 00:09:18.120 If they're not even going to be able to hear her speak, right, 121 00:09:18.360 --> 00:09:22.960 how's she going to get the message out there? I don't have any idea, 122 00:09:22.000 --> 00:09:24.960 but probably she's going to find a way. Yes, and then she 123 00:09:26.000 --> 00:09:28.360 can talk to all the other Russians in the rest of the world and they 124 00:09:28.360 --> 00:09:31.080 can call all their family. Yes, this is what Julia says to do. 125 00:09:31.159 --> 00:09:39.399 Okay, you're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six 126 00:09:39.559 --> 00:09:45.759 forty I'm late coming back because I was having the most interesting, interesting conversation 127 00:09:45.879 --> 00:09:48.720 with my guest. I'm going to have you say your name because I'm going 128 00:09:48.759 --> 00:09:52.279 to mess it up. And your name is My name is Idina, but 129 00:09:52.399 --> 00:09:58.919 it's the last name Edina. I can get through ye visit. So Erina 130 00:10:00.200 --> 00:10:05.879 is a coach and therapist. I miss I miss introduced her before because it's 131 00:10:05.919 --> 00:10:11.039 all such a blur, and I called it Russian because she does speak Russian. 132 00:10:11.679 --> 00:10:16.519 But she told me on the break her passport is she's Ukrainian. So 133 00:10:16.639 --> 00:10:22.519 you grew up actually in Crimea. Yeah, My situation very interesting because I 134 00:10:22.559 --> 00:10:26.759 grown up. I was born and grew up in Crimea. Yeah, and 135 00:10:28.240 --> 00:10:35.600 I left Cramea I think in age twenty five to Ukraine. Yeah, so 136 00:10:35.240 --> 00:10:39.480 you're Ukrainian. I am Ukrainian, and Ukrainians are still in Crimea, all 137 00:10:39.519 --> 00:10:43.200 of them. All my family live in Crimea. So in twenty fourteen, 138 00:10:43.399 --> 00:10:48.480 when Russia took over Crimea, what happened? They didn't leave, They just 139 00:10:48.480 --> 00:10:52.320 stayed and became Russian. Yeah, is they didn't live because I have a 140 00:10:52.360 --> 00:10:54.919 very small family, just my grandmother, my mother, and my sister, 141 00:10:56.840 --> 00:11:01.159 and they all belonged to that place. You know, their house, it's 142 00:11:01.159 --> 00:11:05.159 their gardens, their animals. They live in a small village. So they 143 00:11:05.200 --> 00:11:09.240 say, like, there is no way we are going to live. We 144 00:11:09.480 --> 00:11:13.360 was born here and we're going to die here. And I respect their decision 145 00:11:13.600 --> 00:11:18.360 as much as they respect my decision to live. So we just hit a 146 00:11:18.440 --> 00:11:24.200 very interesting date in that it has been two years since this war Russia and 147 00:11:24.320 --> 00:11:28.159 Ukraine has been happening. You've been in America for one year, only one 148 00:11:28.200 --> 00:11:33.960 year, correct? And so did you leave at the beginning of the war. 149 00:11:33.120 --> 00:11:37.960 How did that work? You know, it's it's another interesting story. 150 00:11:39.519 --> 00:11:45.519 I left Ukraine Kiev. I celebrated New Year in Kiev in Ukraine, and 151 00:11:45.600 --> 00:11:50.480 I left Ukraine in January, right one month before everything started. And where 152 00:11:50.480 --> 00:11:56.200 did you go? And I left to Emirates Arabeimeritz Dubai. And that's interesting 153 00:11:56.399 --> 00:12:01.480 that I didn't suppose to live. But after New Year, I just felt 154 00:12:01.639 --> 00:12:09.159 this all my body, like huge anxiety and I felt that I'm not safe 155 00:12:09.200 --> 00:12:13.960 here, I'm in danger. And it was crazy for me because like it 156 00:12:13.039 --> 00:12:20.159 was like after New Year holidays time, everyone was happy, everyone like shop 157 00:12:20.799 --> 00:12:26.840 like it was it was beautiful time there. But these feelings that I'm in 158 00:12:26.960 --> 00:12:31.399 danger and I must move, I must leave it. Just you know, 159 00:12:31.480 --> 00:12:35.039 it just blocked my body. My body was shaking. You know, psychologists 160 00:12:35.080 --> 00:12:39.960 call the gut our gut instinct is the term we use the second brain. 161 00:12:41.120 --> 00:12:43.440 Yes, that or they'll say somebody might say, oh, I have this 162 00:12:43.519 --> 00:12:46.960 feeling, should I make this decision? And they'll say, well, what 163 00:12:46.000 --> 00:12:50.919 does your gut say? But what does your stomach say about this? Right? 164 00:12:50.360 --> 00:12:56.519 So you were fortunate that you listen to your gut and set them out. 165 00:12:56.919 --> 00:13:01.600 Yeah, Like, I'm very thanksful myself, first of all, that 166 00:13:01.759 --> 00:13:05.559 I built this connection with myself and with my body, with my God. 167 00:13:07.200 --> 00:13:11.480 You know that. I'm like, you call it sixth sense or intuition or 168 00:13:11.519 --> 00:13:16.600 whatever, Yeah, but this is feeling. It's powerful. And I listened 169 00:13:16.639 --> 00:13:20.799 it and I just follow it. Even it was not rational and like there 170 00:13:20.919 --> 00:13:24.200 was no reason for me to move to Emirates, but I said, okay, 171 00:13:24.320 --> 00:13:28.279 let me go, let me listen to it. So I moved to 172 00:13:28.279 --> 00:13:33.720 to Dubai. I did myself at all, like two months, I'm gonna 173 00:13:33.759 --> 00:13:39.440 stay here and decide what it's all about. And then months later everything happened. 174 00:13:39.720 --> 00:13:45.080 And as much as I was shocked and panicked that much. I was 175 00:13:45.200 --> 00:13:50.159 like grateful that I did the righteos. You certainly did. How are your 176 00:13:50.159 --> 00:13:54.679 family doing? Are they safe? My family is safe. And also it's 177 00:13:54.720 --> 00:14:01.759 creamy. It's not Ukraine like in Crimea where it was occupied in twenty fourteen. 178 00:14:03.600 --> 00:14:07.120 They kind of made this place safe because it's important for them. Yes, 179 00:14:07.159 --> 00:14:11.399 for Russians. Yeah, yeah, so they're safe, they're okay, 180 00:14:11.720 --> 00:14:15.720 they live their very simple life. Yeah, and this is the most important 181 00:14:15.759 --> 00:14:18.840 for me and a lot of your clients are around the world. You practice 182 00:14:18.879 --> 00:14:22.159 on zoom, yes, yes, So let's talk about first of all, 183 00:14:22.519 --> 00:14:30.840 why the psychology of people of Russian or Ukrainian descent is so different than ours. 184 00:14:31.440 --> 00:14:35.320 You know, it's interesting because before I met you, I didn't understand 185 00:14:35.360 --> 00:14:39.440 that there is a big difference because, like me personally, I didn't work 186 00:14:39.480 --> 00:14:43.639 with Americans. But while I live here for one year, I can tell 187 00:14:43.799 --> 00:14:52.360 that, like people more awareness about their feelings and like they go to the 188 00:14:52.360 --> 00:14:56.919 therapists, to the coach when they feel anxiety, you know, and they're 189 00:14:56.960 --> 00:15:03.360 not happy in their daily life. But in Ukraine and Russia, the things 190 00:15:03.440 --> 00:15:07.039 like this not exist. You mean, they don't want to be happier, 191 00:15:07.080 --> 00:15:11.039 They don't care that they can be happy. They're happy with anxiety. You 192 00:15:11.080 --> 00:15:16.080 know, it's interesting, like there is no things like anxiety, you know, 193 00:15:16.600 --> 00:15:22.799 it's it's like it's like Ukrainian Russian people lifestyle. It's how you feel 194 00:15:22.840 --> 00:15:26.840 yourself daily. It's chronic anxiety. Yeah, so they're just used to it. 195 00:15:26.080 --> 00:15:30.399 They just used to this. And in your case, it was actually 196 00:15:30.440 --> 00:15:35.600 a kind of anxiety that told you to leave Ukraine. Yeah, so paying 197 00:15:35.639 --> 00:15:41.039 attention to that was important. Oh, it's so interesting. It's so interesting. 198 00:15:41.440 --> 00:15:46.080 And also in our countries, like in Ukraine, people don't go to 199 00:15:46.200 --> 00:15:50.159 therapist once they feel unhappy, you know, people go to therapy. And 200 00:15:50.360 --> 00:15:56.399 it's also it's kind of shame to say that I'm going to therapist. There's 201 00:15:56.399 --> 00:16:00.799 still in a lot of places in the world a lot of stigma associated with 202 00:16:00.879 --> 00:16:03.320 it. Just to let you know. Here in the US, it has 203 00:16:03.399 --> 00:16:08.320 replaced religion for many people, or augments religion, right, But it is 204 00:16:08.480 --> 00:16:11.759 very common for people to even have two or three therapists for different things, 205 00:16:11.799 --> 00:16:15.559 Like they have a prescriber to go get their antidepressants, then they have a 206 00:16:15.639 --> 00:16:19.039 talk therapist that they might go to, and then they and their husband go 207 00:16:19.120 --> 00:16:25.399 to couples therapy. That's why we're all so healthy here, right, So 208 00:16:25.440 --> 00:16:27.440 we're happy to well, I just want to say I am so grateful that 209 00:16:27.519 --> 00:16:30.879 you came all the way into the studio and to meet you. And you 210 00:16:30.919 --> 00:16:37.159 are doing good work. You do your work in Ukrainian and Russian online and 211 00:16:37.559 --> 00:16:41.879 English obviously right. And how can people find you from my Instagram? Oh? 212 00:16:42.000 --> 00:16:45.039 She books through Instagram? What's your Instagram? And interesting? You know, 213 00:16:45.159 --> 00:16:48.080 we're so blessed? Is that right now? Social media? I think 214 00:16:48.120 --> 00:16:52.200 it's the biggest marketing platform. You know. Nineteen nine percent of my client's 215 00:16:52.240 --> 00:17:00.519 going from Instagram and my Instagram is Ira dot terramun so it's I a adult 216 00:17:02.440 --> 00:17:08.440 tr mwom terra moon. Yes, I got that word out. Well. 217 00:17:08.640 --> 00:17:12.559 A pleasure to meet you. I hope everyone stays safe in Ukraine. Thank 218 00:17:12.599 --> 00:17:17.119 you so much, Thank you so much for having me here. You're listening 219 00:17:17.119 --> 00:17:22.160 to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. You know, 220 00:17:22.240 --> 00:17:29.839 you hear a lot about this epidemic of loneliness that is striking many many Americans. 221 00:17:30.200 --> 00:17:33.799 We're not meant to live in apartments by ourselves, and I think developers 222 00:17:33.839 --> 00:17:37.880 are building more studio in one bedroom apartments than they are three bedroom apartments or 223 00:17:37.920 --> 00:17:45.119 single family homes anymore. And we learned during COVID how bad isolation was for 224 00:17:45.160 --> 00:17:48.599 our mental health. Now I want to tell you how we got here. 225 00:17:48.759 --> 00:17:52.920 First of all, for let's go back to our anthropological history. First, 226 00:17:53.400 --> 00:18:00.559 we lived in roaming hunter gatherer groups for thousands and thousands of years, longer 227 00:18:00.759 --> 00:18:04.079 than we've been farming or in the information age. And during that time, 228 00:18:04.359 --> 00:18:11.720 we were in roving groups of multigenerational people who were mostly all related to us, 229 00:18:11.440 --> 00:18:17.279 and so we came to depend on a whole social network. In fact, 230 00:18:17.799 --> 00:18:22.599 if we did meet somebody who we had sex with or coupled up with, 231 00:18:22.880 --> 00:18:26.200 it was virtually never a stranger. It was somebody in our group in 232 00:18:26.279 --> 00:18:30.640 some way, not necessarily biologically related, but somebody in our group, somebody 233 00:18:30.640 --> 00:18:36.799 familiar. Then we settled into farming, and we started to see multi generational 234 00:18:36.839 --> 00:18:41.160 families on farms, working the land. In fact, farmers had many, 235 00:18:41.160 --> 00:18:45.200 many kids because they needed the labor right, and people stayed. They had 236 00:18:45.200 --> 00:18:52.039 the support of cousins and aunties and neighbors. But then industrialization happened and we 237 00:18:52.079 --> 00:18:57.880 needed a mobile workforce because of the need for mobility. We started tearing away 238 00:18:57.960 --> 00:19:02.640 young adults from their face families. They started to have to travel to go 239 00:19:02.680 --> 00:19:07.559 find jobs families. The nuclear family is sort of a new invention in the 240 00:19:07.599 --> 00:19:12.079 history of the human species. And now the nuclear family seems to be divorcing 241 00:19:12.319 --> 00:19:18.200 at a high clip. And all this is leading to more and more isolation. 242 00:19:18.119 --> 00:19:22.359 And at the same time we're getting these mixed messages. The messages are, 243 00:19:22.640 --> 00:19:26.079 you know, individual rights and freedoms, and you've got to individualize, 244 00:19:26.119 --> 00:19:27.400 and you've got to figure out who you are, and you need more autonomy, 245 00:19:27.400 --> 00:19:32.839 and you shouldn't depend on anybody else. You should be independent. No, 246 00:19:33.559 --> 00:19:37.519 we're not meant to be independent. We're meant to lean on each other's 247 00:19:37.519 --> 00:19:41.319 shoulders. We're meant to help each other. We're supposed to be a clan, 248 00:19:41.880 --> 00:19:47.200 we're supposed to be connected. In fact, you know, here are 249 00:19:47.240 --> 00:19:52.400 these new moms suffering from the latest diagnosis of this generation, postpartum depression. 250 00:19:52.880 --> 00:19:56.279 Half the time because they don't have grandmothers around. Grandmothers are in developments in 251 00:19:56.319 --> 00:20:02.599 Florida. They're having margharitas at Houston's and Florida instead of taking care of their 252 00:20:02.599 --> 00:20:06.000 grandkids. Remember, we had a guest on the show k I can't remember 253 00:20:06.039 --> 00:20:11.799 how many months ago now, and she was the evolutionary biologists or the anthropologists 254 00:20:11.799 --> 00:20:15.119 who figured out why we have menopause were only species except for killer whales. 255 00:20:15.279 --> 00:20:21.240 She taught us about the grandmother Geene or something. She started tracking these hunter 256 00:20:21.319 --> 00:20:26.799 gatherer people and she was trying to figure out how often dads invested in their 257 00:20:26.880 --> 00:20:30.839 kids. And we're talking about people who are living off the land, not 258 00:20:30.880 --> 00:20:36.039 even farming, gathering right and you know, digging roots and digging for stuff. 259 00:20:36.079 --> 00:20:38.119 And she was like, I was watching these people and like the dudes 260 00:20:38.119 --> 00:20:42.680 were totally ignoring their kids, and here are these hard working grandmothers making sure 261 00:20:42.720 --> 00:20:48.279 that they had so much more calories, et cetera. And indeed, if 262 00:20:48.319 --> 00:20:53.920 there's a grandmother around, they're more likely even today for children to have higher 263 00:20:53.960 --> 00:20:57.680 birth weight, gain weight, better have more health along the way. Right 264 00:20:59.839 --> 00:21:07.359 now, we're seeing a new epidemic, which is gray loneliness. It's like, 265 00:21:07.839 --> 00:21:11.960 how often can you remodel your kitchen, Ladies, Seriously, what are 266 00:21:11.000 --> 00:21:15.079 you going to do with this time? If you're not giving it back now, 267 00:21:15.119 --> 00:21:18.920 you might not give it back necessarily to your own grandkids, but you 268 00:21:19.000 --> 00:21:25.119 might be giving it to other people. A paper came out last year published 269 00:21:25.119 --> 00:21:30.880 in Perspectives on Psychological Science, and it found that there is a way to 270 00:21:30.960 --> 00:21:37.599 create happiness and prevent loneliness during the graying years, and in order to do 271 00:21:37.680 --> 00:21:44.359 that, you have to meet certain social and relationship expectations. So this goes 272 00:21:44.400 --> 00:21:47.960 through some of the things that this study found. They found that one of 273 00:21:47.960 --> 00:21:52.640 the biggest roots to happiness and to avoid gray loneliness is to live in close 274 00:21:52.799 --> 00:21:57.920 proximity to people you love. So, yeah, it all sounds great to 275 00:21:59.039 --> 00:22:02.880 move to a better client or across the country or whatever where the real estate's 276 00:22:02.880 --> 00:22:04.799 more affordable. But the end of the day, it's not about money. 277 00:22:04.799 --> 00:22:11.000 It's about the people. The people around you, and while you are with 278 00:22:11.079 --> 00:22:15.200 those people. The other important thing that the happy graying people in this study 279 00:22:15.240 --> 00:22:22.559 found is that they felt truly supported, that they had also emotional intimacy with 280 00:22:22.680 --> 00:22:26.720 the people in their life. But the big one was that they were making 281 00:22:27.240 --> 00:22:33.440 meaningful contributions to the lives of others, whether it's volunteer work, whether you're 282 00:22:33.480 --> 00:22:37.559 teaching, whether you're mentoring. Eric Erickson, the famous developmental psychologist, called 283 00:22:37.559 --> 00:22:44.160 it at the age of generativity right where you're going to help other people. 284 00:22:44.599 --> 00:22:47.799 I'll tell you that's one of the reasons I've been teaching so long, because 285 00:22:48.000 --> 00:22:49.799 every day, you know, my own kids are too busy to talk to 286 00:22:49.799 --> 00:22:52.960 me. And every day I walk into classroom and there are these students who 287 00:22:53.079 --> 00:22:59.119 just can't wait to learn things. And I feel respected and I feel cared 288 00:22:59.160 --> 00:23:03.079 for. And that's one of the reasons why I'll never have gray loneliness. 289 00:23:03.160 --> 00:23:04.319 You know, I also never have gray hair. I just want to say 290 00:23:04.319 --> 00:23:08.279 that I've I started to get gray hair in my twenties, so I've been 291 00:23:08.279 --> 00:23:11.240 coloring my hair forever and ever and ever. They're going to put me in 292 00:23:11.279 --> 00:23:15.480 the coffin with a box of claial right beside me, tucked under my arm 293 00:23:15.519 --> 00:23:21.240 in case I need it. But gray loneliness will not look gray on me. 294 00:23:21.799 --> 00:23:23.359 Neither will loneliness because I'm not going to have it. All right, 295 00:23:23.440 --> 00:23:27.400 let's do a quick giveaway before we go to calls and social media. Remember 296 00:23:27.440 --> 00:23:33.440 last week we had a neuroscientist on, doctor Dave Rabin, and he developed 297 00:23:33.440 --> 00:23:36.960 something called the Apollo neurro. I've been wearing it for a week and I 298 00:23:37.039 --> 00:23:41.359 cannot believe how It's changed my life. It gives a little vibration that calms 299 00:23:41.400 --> 00:23:45.640 your anxiety and your nervous system gets to your central nervous system. You can 300 00:23:45.759 --> 00:23:48.039 use it, turn it on one different setting if you want to get energy 301 00:23:48.440 --> 00:23:52.480 or connect with other people. There's even a love vibe if you want to 302 00:23:52.480 --> 00:23:56.640 have better you know want, but most I've been using the Calm one and 303 00:23:56.680 --> 00:23:59.640 the Deep Sleep one, and I slept the first night i used it ten 304 00:23:59.680 --> 00:24:02.599 hours. I haven't slept ten hours since I was a teenager, and I 305 00:24:02.680 --> 00:24:06.079 felt really rested when I woke up. So Kayla's gonna go ma on the 306 00:24:06.079 --> 00:24:08.240 phones, woman of the phones, uh, and she's gonna take the tenth 307 00:24:08.359 --> 00:24:12.160 caller because I slept ten hours. The numbers one eight hundred five to zero 308 00:24:12.319 --> 00:24:17.440 one KFI. That's one eight hundred five two zero one five three fours. 309 00:24:17.440 --> 00:24:19.799 Soon as she does that giveaway, then I'm also taking your calls and social 310 00:24:19.839 --> 00:24:23.880 media questions. Have you got relationship questions? The number also same number, 311 00:24:25.160 --> 00:24:30.000 one eight hundred five to zero, one five three four. You're listening to 312 00:24:30.279 --> 00:24:34.480 doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty Shoot, I Stay Ill, 313 00:24:34.599 --> 00:24:52.119 Shout dot Com, shod stay trouble, will don saf I am six 314 00:24:52.200 --> 00:24:56.119 forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy 315 00:24:56.119 --> 00:24:59.240 Walls Show. This is the time in my show where I am taking your 316 00:24:59.279 --> 00:25:03.640 calls and antwer bring your social media questions. A reminder, I have a 317 00:25:03.640 --> 00:25:07.799 PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor. I'm not a therapist, 318 00:25:07.839 --> 00:25:11.759 but I am obsessed with the science of love. I have written three books 319 00:25:11.759 --> 00:25:15.200 on relationships, I did my dissertation on attachment theory, and I have a 320 00:25:15.400 --> 00:25:19.440 heck of a lot of life experience. So please allow me to weigh in. 321 00:25:19.480 --> 00:25:22.680 If you'd like to give me a call, the number is one eight 322 00:25:22.759 --> 00:25:29.279 hundred five two zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred five two zero one 323 00:25:29.480 --> 00:25:33.119 five three four one of the questions that just came on. Oh by the 324 00:25:33.119 --> 00:25:36.319 way, I'm also live on Instagram right now if you want to come on, 325 00:25:36.480 --> 00:25:40.359 it's at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. But there's a question 326 00:25:40.400 --> 00:25:45.160 that's popped up a few times. The question is when is it ever too 327 00:25:45.200 --> 00:25:48.640 early to talk about STDs? And I assume the question might be to a 328 00:25:48.759 --> 00:25:52.319 potential new mate. You know, have you had any STDs and which ones 329 00:25:53.440 --> 00:25:59.079 or I have had, And here's what it is. I think that as 330 00:25:59.119 --> 00:26:03.160 you're building in intimacy in the early dating stages before you're having sex, is 331 00:26:03.200 --> 00:26:07.960 the time to have all these conversations and it can be really helpful to building 332 00:26:07.000 --> 00:26:14.119 intimacy. If it scares the person off, then you should do the touchdown 333 00:26:14.240 --> 00:26:18.680 cheer that you got rid of them before because they were not a good partner 334 00:26:18.720 --> 00:26:22.279 for you. If they can't have intimacy and can't even have that conversation, 335 00:26:22.200 --> 00:26:25.440 Okay, Producer Kayla, do we have somebody on the line or she's still 336 00:26:25.440 --> 00:26:29.160 doing the giveaway? I think she's busy with the giveaway. They're also we're 337 00:26:29.160 --> 00:26:32.839 also giving away an apollo neural today. So let me go to social media 338 00:26:32.880 --> 00:26:37.640 first. Hey, doctor Wendy, I'm matched with someone. Yes, they 339 00:26:37.720 --> 00:26:41.960 mean on a dating app and I'm considering meeting. But he's wearing a baseball 340 00:26:42.000 --> 00:26:47.839 hat in every single picture on his profile. Would it be rude of me 341 00:26:47.960 --> 00:26:52.440 to ask him for a picture without his hat? Yes, I'll tell you 342 00:26:52.480 --> 00:26:57.359 why he has a hat on in every picture, because he's very self conscious 343 00:26:57.440 --> 00:27:02.359 about the fact that he has male balding. You don't need to ask for 344 00:27:02.480 --> 00:27:06.400 evidence of this. You know this by the fact there's a baseball hat on 345 00:27:06.720 --> 00:27:11.319 in every single picture. So if you just want to play into his insecurities 346 00:27:11.359 --> 00:27:15.680 even more, you go ask him for a picture without the hat. It 347 00:27:15.759 --> 00:27:19.720 also says that you're superficial and you're only looking for somebody who's physically attractive to 348 00:27:19.799 --> 00:27:23.079 your eyes, and you don't care about their heart, or their soul or 349 00:27:23.160 --> 00:27:29.319 their brain anyway. If you have a problem with male pattern balding, don't 350 00:27:29.359 --> 00:27:32.960 meet him, but don't ask them for a picture. That's humiliating. Would 351 00:27:33.000 --> 00:27:36.799 you like it if a guy asked you for a picture of you in a 352 00:27:36.799 --> 00:27:40.200 bathing suit because you didn't put it on your profile. We would all get 353 00:27:40.240 --> 00:27:42.480 upset about that. Right there? You go? Okay, Producer, Kayla, 354 00:27:42.519 --> 00:27:45.839 do we have someone on the line. Ooh, she's running to this. 355 00:27:45.880 --> 00:27:48.079 She doesn't have a mic. Look at her running. She's running. 356 00:27:48.920 --> 00:27:56.119 Anthony. Hi Anthony, it's doctor Wendy. Hello, Anthony, are you 357 00:27:56.160 --> 00:28:00.880 there? And there he is? Hi Anthony, it's doctor Wendy. Yes, 358 00:28:00.400 --> 00:28:07.000 I what's your question? Oh? How do I approach women that I 359 00:28:07.079 --> 00:28:12.440 find attracted without looking like a chart? I have so many different wonderful qualities, 360 00:28:12.480 --> 00:28:17.559 and women do comment on that, you know, once they get to 361 00:28:17.559 --> 00:28:21.359 know me a bit. But how do I get beyond that barrier? Like 362 00:28:21.440 --> 00:28:26.119 because so many people, especially here in LA are so fearful. You know. 363 00:28:26.440 --> 00:28:30.759 Yes, Oh it's not easy. I've got great advice for you, 364 00:28:30.799 --> 00:28:34.920 Anthony. Anthony's question is how do I approach a woman without looking like a 365 00:28:36.039 --> 00:28:40.319 jerk? Right, you're attracted to them, you don't know if they're attracted 366 00:28:40.359 --> 00:28:42.640 to you. You want to start a conversation. I can't believe I have 367 00:28:42.680 --> 00:28:47.680 to tell the basics to everybody. But it's so simple. You look for 368 00:28:47.839 --> 00:28:52.359 commonality. So if you're in Starbucks together, you comment on what their order. 369 00:28:52.519 --> 00:28:55.319 You might say something like, oh, I've never tried a machiato before, 370 00:28:55.319 --> 00:28:57.880 how does that taste. If they don't respond, or they give you 371 00:28:57.920 --> 00:29:02.279 a one word thing and then just move away, then you've been given your 372 00:29:02.279 --> 00:29:04.640 answer. They're probably not single, or they're they're not interested in you, 373 00:29:04.720 --> 00:29:08.920 which is fine, so you need to just I can take that fine. 374 00:29:08.960 --> 00:29:12.599 Things that are in common, even if it's the rain, you're walking inside 375 00:29:12.599 --> 00:29:15.599 its raining and you're like, oh my god, I'm like a drowned rat. 376 00:29:15.680 --> 00:29:18.720 You make a little comment and see who picks it up. Yeah, 377 00:29:18.799 --> 00:29:22.039 yeah, I get all that. Okay. I'm one of the few people 378 00:29:22.160 --> 00:29:29.359 actually who have no fear of initiating a conversation with total strangers. Okay, 379 00:29:29.400 --> 00:29:32.480 I got Okay, that's good. I have no problem. It's an extrovert. 380 00:29:32.480 --> 00:29:36.160 I like that. Okay. Well, I'm actually a very introvert. 381 00:29:36.200 --> 00:29:41.799 But I developed this this trade of mind over many years by you know, 382 00:29:41.839 --> 00:29:45.720 making certain efforts by practice. I'm more conscious. Yeah, okay, I've 383 00:29:45.720 --> 00:29:51.000 done that. I've done my studies. Here's another twist to this, doctor 384 00:29:51.039 --> 00:29:56.839 Wendy Mom. Okay, twist. I mean, although I do know quite 385 00:29:56.880 --> 00:30:06.720 a bit about how to have success relationships with opposite gender, I have no 386 00:30:06.920 --> 00:30:11.519 experience of such. And I think you may have something to do with my 387 00:30:11.720 --> 00:30:15.119 certain preferences in what I'm looking for, and also having a mom who is 388 00:30:15.480 --> 00:30:22.920 ultra religious and has certain views and attitudes about sex. Oh yeah, okay, 389 00:30:22.000 --> 00:30:26.319 So let me say this, Anthony. It is very common for some 390 00:30:26.440 --> 00:30:33.079 people who have grown up in a highly religious family to have internalized a sense 391 00:30:33.119 --> 00:30:37.880 of oh my gosh, this is bad, this is dangerous. I shouldn't 392 00:30:37.920 --> 00:30:40.559 be doing this right. So, at the same time, there's a part 393 00:30:40.599 --> 00:30:44.200 of your brain who wants to, you know, have a great, healthy 394 00:30:44.279 --> 00:30:48.000 relationship that includes a sexual relationship. And then there are the critical voices from 395 00:30:48.000 --> 00:30:52.880 your family of origin. And the only way to work through this is to 396 00:30:52.960 --> 00:30:57.359 go see a licensed therapist, go find a way to work through the dual 397 00:30:57.400 --> 00:31:03.079 feelings. Because here's that's the thing. We unconsciously go out into the world 398 00:31:03.160 --> 00:31:07.920 and send messages about what we think we need. So in other words, 399 00:31:07.000 --> 00:31:11.359 you're saying that you approach women but you're not having much luck. But maybe 400 00:31:12.039 --> 00:31:18.559 you have ambivalence and you're approaching women that will reject you because that way it 401 00:31:18.640 --> 00:31:22.759 keeps you protected and safe and obeying your mother. Right. You never know, 402 00:31:22.279 --> 00:31:27.240 so I would definitely see a good licensed therapist who can help you work 403 00:31:27.279 --> 00:31:30.640 out with your stuff. But those are excellent questions. Thanks so much for 404 00:31:30.680 --> 00:31:36.240 calling. Okay, I want to quickly go onto this one on social because 405 00:31:36.240 --> 00:31:38.319 it's very interesting. Hi, doctor Wendy, a guy I've been talking to 406 00:31:38.519 --> 00:31:41.680 for weeks, for weeks on bumble. When you're not talking, if you're 407 00:31:41.720 --> 00:31:45.400 on bumble, okay, that means you're texting, all right, wants to 408 00:31:45.480 --> 00:31:48.880 face time before we hang out. I guess I kind of get it. 409 00:31:49.160 --> 00:31:52.279 But what do you do if you FaceTime and the conversation is lame, well, 410 00:31:52.319 --> 00:31:56.000 then you know not to go out with him. How do you let 411 00:31:56.000 --> 00:31:59.240 the person down? Okay, everybody, Okay, here we go back to 412 00:31:59.319 --> 00:32:01.640 dating one on one. First of all, you should never meet anybody in 413 00:32:01.680 --> 00:32:07.680 person who you've only texted with. That's just weird. You either FaceTime or 414 00:32:07.720 --> 00:32:12.079 get on the phone and do some pre interviews. You have to do some 415 00:32:12.119 --> 00:32:15.079 pre interviews, okay, because you can save a whole lot of time. 416 00:32:15.480 --> 00:32:20.079 So here's the steps on the dating apps, folks. Again, you match 417 00:32:20.160 --> 00:32:22.759 with someone, you don't message for too long. Don't let it go on 418 00:32:22.839 --> 00:32:24.960 for weeks. A few messages, exchange phone numbers, get on the phone, 419 00:32:25.160 --> 00:32:30.680 see if they give good phone If they don't, you have a lovely, 420 00:32:30.799 --> 00:32:34.160 polite, canned text. You do not ghost them. That says, 421 00:32:34.240 --> 00:32:38.319 hey, you know, I was great chatting with you, and good luck 422 00:32:38.359 --> 00:32:43.519 at whatever thing's coming up that you mentioned whatever. I don't think romance is 423 00:32:43.559 --> 00:32:45.279 in the cards for us, but I'll keep you in mind for a friend 424 00:32:45.319 --> 00:32:51.000 sometime. That's all you do. Okay, You just tell them, hey, 425 00:32:51.000 --> 00:32:52.359 I don't think romances in the cards, but Hey, great guy, 426 00:32:52.480 --> 00:32:57.039 lovely conversation. Thank you very much, and you move along. But don't 427 00:32:57.039 --> 00:33:00.000 be meeting people you've just been texting with. It's always to let down one 428 00:33:00.079 --> 00:33:02.640 hundred percent of the time. Okay. I'm going to continue to take your 429 00:33:02.640 --> 00:33:06.359 calls and answer your social media questions when we come back. The number is 430 00:33:06.400 --> 00:33:10.519 one eight hundred five two zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred five two 431 00:33:10.599 --> 00:33:15.839 zero one five three four. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. 432 00:33:16.839 --> 00:33:20.559 You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live 433 00:33:20.640 --> 00:33:24.079 on KFI Am six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on 434 00:33:24.160 --> 00:33:27.200 demand on the iHeartRadio app.