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Oil of dog by Ambrose Bierce.
My name is Boffer Bings. I was

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born of honest parents in one of
the humbler walks of life, my father

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being a manufacturer of dog oil,
and my mother having a small studio in

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the shadow of the village church where
she disposed of unwelcome babes. In my

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boyhood I was trained to habits of
industry. I not only assisted my father

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in procuring dogs for his vats,
but was frequently employed by my mother to

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carry away the debris of her work
in the studio. In performance of this

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duty, I sometimes had need of
all my natural intelligence, for all the

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law officers of the vicinity were opposed
to my mother's business. They were not

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elected on an opposition ticket, and
the matter had never been made a political

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issue. It just happened. So
my father's business of making dog oil was

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naturally less unpopular, though the owners
of missing dogs sometimes regarded him with suspicion,

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which was reflected to some extent upon
me. My father had as silent

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partners all the physicians of the town, who seldom wrote a prescription which did

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not contain what they were pleased to
designate. As all can it is really

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the most valuable medicine ever discovered.
But most persons are unwilling to make personal

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sacrifices for the afflicted, and it
was evident that many of the fattest dogs

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in town had been forbidden to play
with me, a fact which pained my

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young sensibilities and at one time came
near driving me to become a pirate.

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Looking back upon those days, I
cannot but regret at times that, by

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indirectly bringing my beloved parents to their
death, I was the author of misfortunes

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profoundly affecting my future. One evening, while passing my father's oil factory with

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the body of a foundling from my
mother's studio, I saw a constable who

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seemed to be closely watching my movements. Young as I was, I had

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learned that a constable's acts of whatever
apparent character, are prompt by the most

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reprehensible motives, and I avoided him
by dodging into the oilery by a side

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door which happened to stand ajar.
I locked it at once and was alone

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with my dead My father had retired
for the night. The only light in

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the place came from the furnace,
which glowed a deep, rich crimson under

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one of the vats, casting ruddy
reflections on the walls. Within the cauldron,

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the oil still rolled in indolent abolition, occasionally pushing to the surface a

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piece of dog. Seating myself to
wait for the constable to go away,

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I held the naked body of the
foundling in my lap and tenderly stroked its

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short silken hair. Ah, how
beautiful it was. Even at that early

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age, I was passionately fond of
children, and as I looked upon this

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cherub, I could almost find it
in my heart to wish that the small

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red wound upon its breast. The
work of my dear mother had not been

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mortal. It had been my custom
to throw the babes into the river,

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which nature had thoughtfully provided for the
purpose. But that night I did not

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dare to leave the oilery for fear
of the constable. After all, I

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said to myself, it cannot greatly
matter if I put it into this cauldron.

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My father will never know the bones
from those of a puppy, and

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the few deaths which may result from
administering another kind of oil for the incomparable

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all can are not important in a
population which increases so rapidly. In short,

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I took the first step in crime
and brought myself untold sorrow by casting

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the babe into the cauldron. The
next day, somewhat to my surprise,

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my father, rubbing his hands with
satisfaction, informed me and my mother that

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he had obtained the finest quality of
oil that was ever seen, that the

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physicians to whom he had shown samples
had so pronounced it. He added that

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he had no knowledge as to how
the result was obtained. The dogs had

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been treated in all respects as usual, and were of an ordinary breed.

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I deemed it my duty to explain, which I did, though palsied would

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have been my tongue if I could
have foreseen the consequences bewailing their previous ignorance

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of the advantages of combining their industries, my parents at once took measures to

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repair the error. My mother removed
her studio to a wing of the factory

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building, and my duties in connection
with the business ceased. I was no

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longer required to dispose of the bodies
of the small superfluous, and there was

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no need of alluring dogs to their
doom, for my father discarded them altogether,

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though they still had an honorable place
in the name of the oil.

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So suddenly thrown into idleness, I
might naturally have been expected to become vicious

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and dissolute, but I did not. The holy influence of my dear mother

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was ever about me to protect me
from the temptations which beset youth. And

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my father was a deacon in a
church. Alas that through my fault these

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estimable persons should have come to so
bad an end. Finding a double profit

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in her business, my mother now
devoted herself to it with a new assiduity.

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She removed not only superfluous and unwelcome
babes to order, but went out

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into the highways and byways, gathering
in children of a larger growth, and

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even such adults as she could entice
to the oilery. My father, too,

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enamored of the superior quality of oil
produced, purveyed for his vats with

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diligence and zeal. The conversion of
their neighbors into dog oil became, in

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short, the one passion of their
lives. An absorbing and overwhelming greed took

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possession of their souls and served them
in place of a hope in heaven,

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by which also they were inspired.
So enterprising had they now become that a

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public meeting was held and resolutions passed, severely censuring them. It was intimated

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by the chairman that any further raids
upon the population would be met in a

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spirit of hostility. My poor parents
left the meeting broken hearted, desperate,

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and I believe not altogether sane.
Anyhow, I deemed it prudent not to

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enter the oilery with them that night, but slept outside in a stable.

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At about midnight, some mysterious impulse
caused me to rise and peer through a

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window into the furnace room, where
I knew my father now slept. The

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fires were burning as brightly as if
the following day's harvest had been expected to

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be abundant. One of the large
cauldrons was slowly walloping with a mysterious appearance

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of self restraint, as if it
by did its time to put forth its

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full energy. My father was not
in bed. He had risen in his

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night clothes and was preparing a noose
in a strong chord. From the looks

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which he cast at the door of
my mother's bedroom, I knew too well

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the purpose that he had in mind. Speechless and motionless with terror, I

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could do nothing in prevention or warning. Suddenly the door of my mother's apartment

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was opened noiselessly, and the two
confronted each other, both apparently surprised.

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The lady also was in her night
clothes, and she held in her right

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hand the tool of her trade,
a long, narrow bladed dagger. She

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too, had been unable to deny
herself the last prophet which the unfriendly action

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of the citizens and my absence had
left her. For one instant, they

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looked into each other's blazing eyes,
and then sprang together, with indescribable fury.

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Round and round the room. They
struggled, the man cursing, the

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woman shrieking, both fighting like demons. She to strike him with the dagger,

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he to strangle her with his great
bare hands. I know not how

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long I had the unhappiness to observe
this disagreeable instance of domestic infelicity. But

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at last, after a more than
usually vigorous struggle, the combatants suddenly moved

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apart. My father's breast and my
mother's weapon showed evidences of contact. For

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another instant they glared at each other
in the most unamiable way. Then,

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my poor wounded father, feeling the
hand of death upon him, leapt forward,

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unmindful of resistance, grasped my dear
mother in his arms, dragged her

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to the side of the boiling cauldron, collected all his failing energies, and

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sprang in with her. In a
moment, both had disappeared and were adding

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their oil to that of the committee
of citizens who had called the day before

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with an invitation to the public mists. Convinced that these unhappy events closed to

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me every avenue to an honorable career
in that town, I removed to the

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famous city of Otumwe, where these
memoirs are written, with a heart full

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of remorse for a heedless act entailing
so dismal a commercial disaster. End of

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Oil of Dog by Ambrose Bierce