Adair Junior Adventures. It's me Steven. I'm just gonna take a moment of
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my Jerker, to mind the rows and to the part with those they don't
go plan? What are you looking all? Holly served the sea is runs
because don't need no cus opens and drug doesn't try all those drugs and drug
beat hearties and creep fantasy offers take on a sadistic games oscar will he say
and here timpers certain Hey everybody. I'm John Hartness and I'll be playing the
role of Alphonse light Bringer, nut punching, belligerent monk. In real life,
I write multiple series, including the Black Night Chronicles, Bubba the Monster
Hunter, and Quincy Harker Demon Hunter. And I am the founder and publisher
of Falstaff Books. You can find up more about us at Falstaff books dot
com after you go to Authors and Dragons dot com and buy your tickets to
in Dcon. I am Joseph Brassie. I played the role of calhashwood Stone
Paladin. I was an author on the Mongoliad books. My novels Skyfair and
Dragon can be found from Angry Robot Books and anywhere books are sold. And
I am the author of such non existent titles as Educated Edge Lords and other
things that don't exist Salutations flesh Bags. I am Drew Hayes and I play
Metallic Hasam the electrical ethical Enforcer. In real life, I write books such
as Superpowered Spread, The Vampire Account, and the spell Certain Stealth series,
the latest of which Noble Roots, is available in printing ebook now. Hello
friends, my name is Robert Bevan. I play the role of Jewels through
the Sorcerer. In real life. I write the Caverns and Creature series of
comedy fantasy novels and short stories, starting with the first book, Critical Failures
and a bunch of shingles. Go read those. Stand Danylivy here bringing some
much needed twink that It's bad party. In real life, my name is
Steve Webroll, bringing some not really required bad at its Bad podcast. And
you can find my books at False Staff and on Amazon with all the other
books. Everyone. My name is Rick Waltiri, and I am the rusty
skewer holding this shit kebabi together. In real life, I write several things,
but the things you should worry about most are Bent not Broken, The
Hybrid of Himon four and the Lyching Hour Bill of the Dead four, both
of which are pretty much brand new, and both of which are available now.
So when last we we met? Oh, wait, before we get
into that, whatever you're doing wherever you're like listening to this from after you've
bought your tickets to A and dcon be sure to like and subscribe because your
likes and subscribes. Well, you know, we're like tinker Bell. The
more you like us, the longer we'll live. They feed us, they
do. When last we left our group of of adventurers, they had they
had woken up in the village of the Bullywogs. They had discovered that their
rescuer, the hooded Mask, was actually a former sleeve named Craphole, and
upon awakening, they were asked they were They were asked what had happened to
their prince, pink Slip, who, well you remember Cal sort of well
might have murdered And upon hearing that, of course, there was a bit
of a crisis of faith. They wanted the party to to find and retrieve
pink Slip's body, but first they needed to test the group's resolved, so
they tossed them into the Pit of Judgment, where we pick up mid battle.
I really don't think we needed a pit of judgment. We're judgmental enough
all on our own. This is this is superfluous judgment. Quick reminder to
Joe and Steve aka Cal and San Dandyliver that we remembered looking at the character
icons, I have cast bless on all three of us. So remember that
when it's damage and save time, that's um D four or one D four.
Okay, And George spur you were currently lying face down in your one
unconscious. Oh my, I'm fairly sure I gave cal about inspiration as well.
But whoa out in public? Jesus, desperate times call for public measures.
Well, it is the top of the round which brings us to alphonse.
Yes it does. There is one dead boar lying next to you,
and there is one angry alive one in front of you. Have I punched
the angry alive one yet? No? You have not. Well, we
should rectify that right now. You probably should rectify damn near killed him,
that's right, yeah, rectified to rectified that. All right, let's take
a take an unarmed strike and then I'm gonna use it, burn a key
point and use flurry of blows. That's not twenty all right, that's a
crip um. That's the first shot, and that's gonna do a total of
eight bludgeoning damage. Is that with the with the kript yes, okay,
And then we will flurry of blows and do that twice more that is a
nineteen it and a twelve also hit already then, so that is a that
is thirteen more so a total of twenty one on this little piggy. Go
back to market, bitch, still standing. But you you beat this,
this hunk of pork pretty well? Yeah, nobody beats meat like a monk
baby, and it's the hunk of porks turn this is going to try to
it tries to tusk you, does a twenty two hit? Oh yeah,
it slashes you for nine. That hurt a lot, all right, Stan,
you have a boar behind you, a boar in front of you,
and a dead bear stuck in the middle of you. Lesser known shot Tupper.
Well, you know what, I'm not a tank, and discretion is
the bet part of not being killed by a couple of bulls. I'm gotta
take my bonus action, my cunning action to disengage, all right. I'm
going to move away, not far, give some some proximity support to cal.
This isn't hiding behind him, This is just hiding with him, next
to him, hiding in his gentle embrace. I do have some spells I
can use as a bart I've used my bonus actions. So I can't do
that. By can cast, But can I cast anything useful that remains to
be seen? Yeah? Is there anything less useful than nothing? I can
cast a minor illusion of a range of feet that might be, but I
think that's about as useless as I can get. So I'm gonna do that.
I'm gonna cast a minor illusion of I'm gonna cast it next to this
bear. Wait a minute, Bevin haltall is Jaucer? I have no idea.
Average heye right now about six inches. Average heite is five for eight.
I'm going to make a slightly shorter illusion of Jaucer. You could be
squatting. Maybe he should be squatting. So it's a perfectly proportioned seucer taking
a dump in front of this bear, which one the last remaining bear.
I think we're all balls in a minute, with balls deep? Where would
you like to place live Jeorscer right in front of that bear? So Steve
and I played teenage Ninja Turtles on this week's Brodio, and I can't stop
thinking of Dana Tello's talent. Now, if anybody who didn't see that idea
wants to see the reference look it up, you lazy shit. I'm not
explaining. It's on our YouTube channel YouTube dot com, slash authors and dragon
like and subscribe. Okay, so that's that is my actions burned out?
I mean better than you made a very accurate looking jeuser. Yeah, the
very least. That is what I have done well in all fairness. Uh,
these animals aren't aren't too too bright? We'll see um you're talking about
the bores or us remains to be seen all around you. Uh you know
after your actions there there's there's ribbiting from from all the bully wolves watching,
although you really can't tell if they're cheering you or cheering you or just talking
amongst themselves. There's a lot of georger. How about a death save?
Oh my seven, that would be a miss nuts? Can I ask for
a refreshmance. It's been a few weeks. How many death saves has Josa
failed so far? I think this is the first, right, Yeah,
I think he just went down. Okay, cool, just wanted to make
sure. I'm sure our fans will correct me and be like, now you
are already as till your dumb fucking that was death That was fucking dash.
We were at conduct motherfuckers. It's now a spider Man comic wizard did it?
A wizard did it? If I don't remember, I can't die ignorant
mortality. That's how I've lived so long. So Stan, tell me,
tell me the stats on minor illusion. Okay, let me just actually look
at it, which I should have done before I cast it. You create
a sound or image of an object we've arranged last footed duration. Illusion ends
if I dismiss it. If a creature uses its action to examine the sound
or image, the creature can determine that is an illusion with a successful intelligence
investigation check against your spell, say BC. If a creature descends the illusion
for what Aid's de illusion becomes faint to the creature. All right, still
eats an action. Yeah. So the so the bear waws that attacks illusionary
jorcerer to no avail, and it stands there looking confused because it is just
a bear. Dumb it in the average bear. I say that quietly,
so it doesn't hate me. So the boar is up next, and it
has a couple of options. There's jorcerer. Well, first of all,
jorspher rule me a D six is this for how tasty, I smell that
might be a slightly higher roll. That's a to D six two. Well,
the boar, being natural enemies with the bear, ignores your limp and
decisively non tasty smelling body and tries to attack the bear. But missus Badley,
all right, we have this boar and we got a couple of all
right, So going from from left to right, one and two is is
you Metallica? Zam? Three and four? How and five and six?
Not? How? Cal? And five and six is Stan? I'm afraid
I can't do that, Dave Stan, all right? The boar charges that
stands only it could have gone for how whoever, that's a little bitch,
just plaster some random guy. Oh no, look the board rules a natural
one. Let's see if it injures itself. So the guests for being spiteful,
all right, it's just a normal miss it just it hits the dirt
as a stand, managed to jump out of the way. I had a
perfectly tasty palette and right in front of me. Just a greedy boar deserves
what it gets, all right. So that's that boar and Cal, it's
it's you. Okay, you have two boars in front of you. One
is injured. Wait on level five, So I have two attacks. I'm
gonna drop one attack on the board that just attacked Stan and one attack on
the one in front of me. All right, is it nineteen that hits?
That's seven slashing, and I think I'm going to drop one of my
two remaining divine smites on this that's nine radiant. All right, you take
a good chunk out of it. And then the second attack, is it
the one who attacks Stan that's at ten? Uh? Oh? Four?
That might? That might not matter. I don't. The D four might,
so it might. We'll give it a shot. Oh, let me
let me add my one D four to damage for my last attack. You
don't, you don't. It's not damage, it's not attack attack one.
That's a bit, but we'll remember it. That first hit was pretty pretty
impressive. Yeah, all right, attention, it's this Boar's turn and Cal,
since you're right there, does a sixteen hits you? Yes? It
does meet speeds all right, it slashes you for eleven with its tusks.
Okay, Cal is down to five hit points. Rabbit metallic xam. Oh
well, there's just so many bars in front of me and I I'm really
not feeling like engaging with all of them, so uh, I think right
here should be fine. Yep, that'll get all the bars and none of
my friends. Uh, you know it, you love it. It's a
classic. It's fireball, they lou out tie barbecue, all right, uh
DC fifteen dexterity savely shit. All right, we'll start from left to right.
That's a miss. That's that one made it. Yep, and that's
a horrible miss. So the one that made it takes half damage for fourteen.
All right. You take two of them down and one of them looks
horribly singed, and the crowd goes wild with rabbit. It's one of the
key flaws and a flushy beings. You burned so easy as a as a
crap holes like yells down, we drowned too. You're a frog. Nope,
crap hole is not the frog. Okay. I do like the idea
that when you do it, like right up to the edge, basically your
friends are seeing an inferno that comes inches within. But I'm passive, dead
eyed robot. Whatever he says, friends, I can't help but think you
for a robot. He has a fine understanding of irony. Impress it,
all right, alphons the top of the round. How badly injured does this
born next to me? Look he's taking a good, good couple of shots.
Doesn't quite look like it's on its last legs though. Well, let's
see if we can fix that. I've got one key point left so and
I've forgot an attack last turn, so I'll take both my tex for an
unarmed strike, and then I'll use my bonus action to do flurry of blows.
Fair So first one, Well that's on eleven that, missus. Do
you have any anything to add to that? So? Yeah, seventeen alright,
seventeen hits for seven all right, solid punch and then lury flurry of
blows for two more, unarmed strike, a twenty and a twenty one for
five eleven more. So that's a total of eighteen damage. All right.
It is not looking good. Well it is good because I have four fucking
hit points left, um, and I'm all out of key points. All
right. It is the bors turn. There's a fifteen hits you fifteen does
not? All right? Missus? Fuck you Bacon, you live the fight
again. Stan, there's one uh you know the smell of the smell of
roast pork fills the air as well as like you know, as the as
the dying screams of the dead, pick you know, invigorating fast food.
Well, Chaucer is too beautiful to die. So I am kind of rush
in. And he used my bonus action to cast healing word. Nobody tell
him. I know, I know that's the illusion healing word is. I'm
not gonna cast. I've got range on the healing word. I'm he's not
he's old. He's not that old. Oh man, Now, I really
want to roll with that, though it be hilarious. No, that guy
looks perfectly healthy, having he's taking a dump in front of a raging there.
He's fine. Theser that needs my attention. So within range that I
can see equals one default to your spell casting ability modify, which is my
charisma. Oh my yep. Two for that's without my modify, my modifier
being three. So five, all right, yeah, five hit points,
juser, you wake up. It's run by angry animals and there's another you
over there taking a ship. And with my action, I'd like to stab
this bear and get its attention. All right, So Rabius strike twenty two
for nine piercing. I don't know. Was the bear sufficiently occupied with the
shitting jaucer illusion that discounts a sneak attack damage. I realized that's an odd
question to ask. I mean, I mean, I mean it was.
It was, it was attacking. So if it's attacking some another enemy,
then yes, that would kind of sneak attacks have another enemy adjacent to it.
And I'm alive now. So many shifting jewelsers. Oh god, if
that becomes Bob's endgame, just getting the right spells to create an infinite army
of georcters rolling forward. There's there's a spell for them? Oh? None,
off the top of his head. I've been doing this spell reviews for
a while. I really hope there's like an appointment for that too, though.
All right, George, you were lying on the ground. Town has
no fucking idea what it's in the jewel ster is apprentice? What would you
like to do? All right? I guess I'm prone. So I have
to spend a movement to like get up print. Isn't it like five feet
of a movement? Or it happens like half your half your total movement is
what we were playing? Yeah, or it's supposed to be five feet of
it. I don't know. It's up to you, Rick. Whatever the
rule is. Five feet. Yeah, I'll look it up just for curiosity.
Getting up from prone movement equals to half your speed, all right,
so happy thanks? Okay, um, I'm gonna look up the spell real
quick before I cast it. Yeah, four enemies left. Only one of
them appears to be untouched. All the rest of them are in various stages
of beaten up. I'm touched. Okay, this looks fun. I'm gonna
thunderwave. I don't know why, but all I can imagine him is just
just farting and waving at the same time. I think it's fifteen it's all
right, it's it's it's a range him self in a fifteen foot cube,
all right. So yeah, I think I'm a sword. Yeah, I'm
going to thunderwave just just right. Well, no, I'm gonna take a
five foot step away from both of these and then that that provokes oh it
does, then I won't do that yet. I'm just gonna thunderwave them,
and I'm gonna make a big far alright, just so that they think that
it's still the illusionary jorser or farting. That's that's pushing them. That will.
Just in case you're wondering, hit Stan, sorry, right, this
is what I get for for perpetuating jeuser. I deserve this. This is
my only only chance to be able to get away from them without Yeah,
I'm gonna I'm sorry. Stand you're gonna be in my fart wave, all
right, thunder wave, let me cast it boom all right? Cool?
All right, So everything needs to do a DC con constitution said DC fourteen
con save including you, Stan, I save this frail old man has a
great constitution school. Oh you get a D four to you're saved though,
because you're blessed. Yeah, oh well, uh with the five, I'll
take that default just out of desperation. All right. You are pushed ten
feet and you take six damage. All right. The boar it makes it,
and so it only takes half and the bear likewise, well that was
counterproductive from the animal sucker by days enough to believe that maybe that illusion was
a little too real. I'm away from the bad al so that's not all
bad. The bear kind of has a choice between Jorcerer one, Georgopher two
and the boar that attacked it last round, so um, actually I haven't
had a movement, that's the others. Yeah, I think I'm gonna make
a run for it because oh boy knocked out last times amusing and s spell
hold on to h top attacks income come one from the boar. Does the
sixteen hit you? Let me check, I'm looking, Oh god, yes,
the aid does not. Right. Well, the bear would have missed
you, thankfully, but the but that's okay. I'm pretty sure the ten
slashing as you try to run send you back to the ground. All right,
Well I contributed, So the upside there the upside there is, but
is now you're playing dead again. You just increased my attack my probably being
attacked by a fad. He's selfish past it, all right, But I'd
rolling another D six since you're the one lying next to the bear in multiple
ways. Four all right. The bear uses its act shouldn't to turn towards
shitting jors fur, which it tried to attack last time and is now confused.
So what's its DC saved? To disbelieve Stan you use it earlier for
vicious mockery at the fourteen fourteen intell it a wisdom save intelligence? Okay,
for investigation. Nope, the bear of rolls of one, and thus it
is confid It is confused, but it is sure that this Georshire that is
continuing to shit next to it Israel. This guy's twin brothers a lot,
a lot harder to hit. Jesus negative four. It's not a smart animal,
No, it is not. Is it pre convincing thought noise? So
what you're saying, is it smarter than the average bear is a pretty fucking
low bar. So George, for I need another D six That is the
boors turn one. All right, It once again goes after the bear.
It is not smart, so it assumes that like the bear, somehow,
somehow farted upon it. It does six slashing damage and kills the bear.
I'm taking credit for that kill, sure, why not? The other you
gets to take the credit. I rolled the die, I made the fart
noise. We bring illusionary Jorcer with us, and the crowd continues to go
wild. Right, all right, but the question persists for the rest of
the game. Is Josher real as long as Stan believes in him? Apparently
yes, It's like liking and subscribing to Josh for all your listens to day
who haven't liked and subscribe to it. Yeah, but I mean hope hopefully
we're not gonna lick it and we're not gonna fart on them and push them
away. Well hopefully there's no guarantee. Speak for yourself. Cal it is
your turn, speaking of farting and pushing away, all right, gonna attack
the boar in front of me? Wise man? Why yeah? Withdrawing and
stuff? Is like actually a question how fucked up is it looking? It's
uh, it took a pretty good blast from from the fire ball, not
all of it, but yeah, it's is not looking entirely hale and hearty.
I'm just trying to decide if I want to heal myself or if I
wanna gonna I think actually I'm gonna dump my lay on hands pool into myself.
Okay, let's turn, so that an action. That is an action.
Yeah, so I will not be able to attack. That's twenty health
foe, which should hopefully keep me standing for another turn. All right,
anything else, I don't think I have any bonus actions or reactions, all
right, and it is the boards turn. Yeah, it hits a twenty
four, which I assume hits you. Yeah, for ten damage. Okay,
all right, metallica zam. The battlefield is rapidly starting to fill with
corpses, but not rapidly enough. Um. All right, I'm gonna bust
out a track I haven't actually used. Yeah, I don't think I'm gonna
burn a sorcery point points, yeah, sorcery point to use a twin spell
on my firebolts, which is a can trip. That's why it's only one.
So I get to shoot it and it goes to two targets as long
as they're both in range, and it has one hundred and twenty foot range.
So all right, I'm gonna pop this fellow right here who just swung
up my boy, and I'll send another one down there to try and stabilize
the jorcerer situation. Excellent, So first, dude, I've got it under
control. Man, all right. First firebolt is going to the one right
by calm guessing a twenty two hits it very much so all right, yeah,
ten fire damage. Oh you finish roasting this pig caboon baby? All
right? Seconds, the twins one going to the one by Jorcerer. Twenty
five easy it fifteen fire damage. Big, they'll stand in but that was
not a small amount of damage. And I will use my move It's come
to hear, all right, alphonse man versus pig or well, yeah,
I guess halfling versus pig. I have one option. I'm going to beat
the meat. I get two attacks, so two unarmed strikes, slap the
pork, based the pook. The first one is a thirteen, it's rude,
and the second is a twenty two. You finish the meat with your
first shot, we will be well. I'm still gonna now. I'm just
tender rising it. They only had three. Okay, then I will use
my movement to move a lot or at least thirty five feet, preferably thirty
five feet away from this living pig. A living pig in the dying jorcer
is the legit least of my concerns right now, all right, I'll move
over here, and I don't know, think about what I've done. All
right, speaking of thinking, Stan, that'd be that kind of pressure on
me. Rick, I'm going to take a movement to get to about here.
We have a whole jorcerer doing exactly I wonder is he constantly shooting this
whole time? Is literally that's that's a spiral illusion. Last. By the
way, Stan, good point. I'd say, I don't think it's a
gift. This is more a very well rendered static image that implies the movement
of continuous shitting. So this last for the last for the duration. So
I guess eternally that's just that last for one minute? All right, Yeah,
it's for the duration. That's what duration. Okay, So I've only
burnt one spell slot, so I can bet another one as a bonus action
to once again resurrect Josrah with a healing words. Oh, get the fuck
up, Joseph. Okay, my healing words and a boy and one day
four plus three that's for seven all right, all right, make sure it's
worth it this time, all right, just in time for your turn at
your spur. You wake up once again, and across from the dead bear,
you're kind of jealous because you are still shitting. Oh well, let's
see I and that's your sur It seems like it's a satisfying one, all
right. Now, I see what the what the bore looks like in the
in the photo that but I know, yes that it is a large bore,
I know, but it's facing like this anyway. But what I'm thinking
is, last time it moved, it had its head up the bear's ass,
and here I am on the ground, probably as balls are probably dangling
in my face. I am gonna grab those balls with a shocking grasp.
Okay, shucking is thirty non chucking way to grab some bulls. Unexpectedly does
a nine hit? A nine does not hit somehow the balls escape your grasp.
You're not letting me shine or I feel like this should be something that
you're good at. Man. Yeah, you go to grab them and the
board shifts the last time and they kind of like they just swing away.
Oh well, next time, there's always Paris or whatever. Would you like
to do anything else since you're still lying on the ground. Uh no,
I'm gonna play it dead. You know. I'm gonna let you do that
as a move action since still lying there? Give me ay, what is
that a performance check? Whoas me? Natural twenty? Goddamn? Oh my
am vincing corpse. I am dead as fuck. I mean, he's had
the whole episode to practice, so it's time for the opening night. Dude,
me trying to touch your bulls? Not conty. I'm dead If I'm
tried, I would have touched them. What is good for you, Stan,
ansor evens, Well, it's good for me is not being gold to
death by a bull. Let's go for evens, all right, evens it
is odds. It decides to ignore shitting Jeorcer and charges you. You're trying
to rap my balls gets for ships and giggles. Um, give me a
number from one to ten, Jeorcer, ah six, It does not try.
It does not to stomp on you as it as it walks past.
Don't spread on me, pig. It hits an ac twenty one for ten
and slashing to anyone's definitely gonna hit and uh, that's gonna put me a
minus two? All right, Stan goes down. Who should be careful As
the crowd continues to to rive it rucous lee, Cal, it's your turn,
oh and with and with a with a gnat twenty for georgepher all the
rest of you're convinced that he's still dying. Awesome, So you have two
party maids down. I can do some more healing. Man. That boil
is looking like the MVP of his team right now. Cal's gonna yell at
Metallica. Is m you got you got any healing? Laugh, man,
I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a sorcerer. Great, okay,
cooling wing. So Cal is going to run up to let's see.
I think I think I have the Let make sure I've got my movement thing
here? You have enough to reach stand? Yeah, I'm gonna understand.
But I went down first, which is good because which is good because I
would make you. I would. I was gonna make your role to see
which way you choose, because it's a shame because Jewels clearly needs your help.
And I'm gonna cast cure wounds on Stan, all right, And that's
four. That's four hit points to stand. All right, you wake up
Stan having been a you know, Oh, Gord, I get behind me
and ship anything else. I don't think I have anything else now, all
right, metaelicas am alright, glory, Metael singing softly to myself as I
take aim. And I can't twin bolts, so I'm just gonna fire off
another fire bolts at mister pig. All right, twenty six more than hits.
Oh my god, I have two D ten and I dealt four or
five damage. Back on form for metallicism I don't know what you're talking about.
Metallically, yeh was killing sends them about this round? Apparently last round
you would do nothing but great hits with shit damage. No, I did
fifteen and ten last round, Yeah, thirty of the one before. It
was that a cool scene? Then? When was it when you were just
rolling terribly? Yeah? I think it was a cool scene. The court
scene. I got my ass kicked. Anything anything else, Um, I'll
move slightly closer. But I am a cast, so I'm not trying to
get all up in that ship. All right, Alphonse, there's one enemy
left, all right? Down standing is on it? Whatever I mean.
I thought that after I killed two bars single handedly that these guys could handle
the light work, but obviously that's not correct. So I'm gonna use my
movement to move forwards so that I am within thirty feet, which means I
have to move a little closer. Now. I will use my Monk of
the Sun's soul ability and I will fire off a radiant sun blot, and
I can use that that is any attack. So the first one's a nine,
so I assume that misses and second attack is what the fuck? Second
attack is a thirteen? That hits all right, four seven all right,
radiant damage still up, but it's starting to look a little singed. Stan,
could you finish my light work over here and then fucking heal me.
That seems you've given it a sun band show light up? All right?
You're lying your Backstan with a semi singed du bore above you. Okay,
I will get slowly and creakily to my feet and stab the fucker. Four
sixteen all rights that hits has eleven piercing damage plus that four sneak attack.
I don't think it's a sneak attack scenes it did. Just it's probably still
saying I killed you, you dick. Yeah, that was still that was
still a contact. So it is definitely not looking good, but it is
still up. Anything else, then, what else can I do as a
bonus action? How many times can you use a can trip in a day?
They keep going, all of them. Okay, vicious mockery as a
can trip as long as it's a bonus Okay, vicious mockery. Unleash a
string of insults, for it must succeed on a wisdom saving for a fourteen
or take one D four psychic damage and have disadvantage on the next role.
Well, they all get to twelve wisdom save okay, so that one D
four is free psychic damage. So what do you say to the pig?
I want to know I have a frail old man, and you cann't even
kill me. You giants to space. So I guess that won't do.
Pig. It is it is, it is, so, it is so
hurt by that rather lame insult that it just dies of embarrassment. Oh no,
that it should be embarrassed. I wanted to grab its balls, and
thus the final enemy of falls as the as the crowd around you starts starts
chanting judgment, judgement, judgment, judgement. I just judged the big I
we did. We win. They're terrible pronouncing metallicas am, But I don't
hate the charing. I judge us being badasses. All right. I dismissed
a shifting jauser. I don't want to confuse any feature conversations. What if
the one we thought was the real Jorcer faded away? Wait that was the
fake It turns out the real Jorge sure wasn't dead. All of WHOA.
As long as I didn't get turned, I'm going to continue you know,
my my feigning dead until somebody gives me a home more hit points. Okay,
all right, well the battle is over, you know, as are
like, He's like a battle is one has fallen, but the rest have
stood. Oh well, yeah, that's pretty accurate. How would you like
your friend's body disposed of? I'm gonna I'm gonna go over and actually like
check on George or to see if he's dead or not sure, give me
a medicine check. I think he'd like to die as he lived with us
being away from him. He is also obviously fake. I'll stand up,
behold my wonder. Damn well, Metallicasan is gonna look at his hands.
I'm even more amazing than all realized. Some of us count that is fucking
it up. There are metallic zam. I'm gonna Herbatallica Zam is gonna look
at the vast amount of boars and bears that have extreme fire burns upon them
and just say, I feel okay about today. I mean, you did,
you did, good man, You should you should feel really great.
I al will look at the several hundred pounds of perfectly tenderized pork loin and
be like, yeah, I'm with you, a mixture of might, magic,
cunning and whatever Jaucer it did what a team. Georcer will stare at
the at the tusk wounds and the boar's asshole and the bear's asshole and say
you're welcome, friends, and pellic Zam will step away from Georger wells.
As you are collecting yourselves. Gribet steps forward and he raises one flipper.
You know, it acquiets down the crowd. Judgment has been under and I
judge them to be adequate. Nicest thing anybody said to us in months.
Bring them back to the village. All right, Well, the uh,
the battle done, the the you know, the bully woogs, you know
they they unseal the entrance. They look you know, they they allow you
they allow you all to climb out and crap all approaches. And he's like,
oh that was a that was some very very fine, uh very fine
fighting friends. It's like, we don't go back to the village. Heal
up a bit and then we'll then we'll talk about our next mission. Capital
idea you had me at healing. No, please, prayers in my honor
are far too much for now. Well, they lead you back to the
village with much cheering. I do like much sharing. Deleted us back to
the village with money, which again amounts to mostly just ribbiting. And there
you're led back to the hut where you originally woke up, and they give
you the option of of spending the night healing yourselves up to full so they
can discuss it with the morning and in the morning, and Craphole explains that
they sent runners ahead to Brian Moss to try to ascertain what happened to pink
slipped body, and he's hoping to hear back from the Bye Bye tomorrow morning,
so they should have an idea of what their next steps will be.
Oh shit, I say quietly, Oh dear, all right, healing sounds
good. They might lose, but well you are. You are allowed to
heal yourselves use whatever resources you need. Bandages and stuff are provided and as
well as bowls of bowls of burnt you know, bear meat and board meat
for you to feast on. Oh man, this is this is this is
a good shit, so delicious. Just smearing the meat into this metal impassive
face taste like victory I have taste. So bring yourselves up up the fall
the night passes relatively uneventfully. Um as you heal up, as you like,
you know, rest from muff from your battle. It's mostly mostly just
hear the sounds of either the swamp or the village, kind of hard to
tell which. It's a lot of ribbiting, including a few disturbing ribbts you'd
rather not hear. Ribbit ribbit or ribbit rabbit rabbit the worst. The worst
part is that's coming from Jorcerer's cot. Oh yes, take my tadpoles.
What Oh, I don't know how it worked, and I don't want to
know, not not going asleep, but that when morning breaks, it's just
as disgusting as the rest of you. When morning breaks, Craphole knocks on
the tents to let you know that, uh, that one of their spies
has returned. Oh, come out, we have news. Okay, yeah,
it's just let me warm up my lying muscles. La la la la
blah blah blae. It wasn't me. Okay, let's go. We will
be fine regardless of whatever stories the slavers might have spun. We know the
truth. Also, you know, these guys are fucking tadpoles, So that's
not cool either. As you. I think you misinterpreted that, but I
don't want to go into Yeah. Wow, let's just move on. We're
almost done for the night. It's a ninja. Well, one of the
one of the hooded uh holliwogs returns on a horse and it leaps off and
craphole steps forward. It's like, oh, friend, Polywog, and it
kind of like narrows his eyes on him. He's like, my name is
not Pollywog. No one here is named Pollywog. Is crap hole racist?
It's craple just is he an idiot? Or is he just a virulent racist?
It's just something we can roll for that. Why not both? Do
I need to beat the shoot out a crap hole too? How about how
about this? You can give an insight check? Yeah, I will do
that. That's like something my character is quite good at. I have a
whole skill set dedicated to finding out with people are intentionally racist? Natural one,
natural one? Why not both? Yeah? I gotta fu Metallic Zam
got a fourteen? All right, metallic Zam. You are you and your
constant study of the filthy flesh slugs, you are wise enough to understand that
crap hole is just a moron. All right, I say nothing about this.
I don't really care. I'm gonna I'm gonna do an inside check.
But I want to know if these uh bully wolves are pedophiles. Three as
far as you aware, basically, it's whatever you believe in. Right now,
there were fucking sadpoles. Well, the uh the spy steps forward,
he bows before you know, gribb it. He's like, I bring your
nose a Prince pink Slip as the crowd, like you know, all looks
towards him. What is the news? What is what is the nose?
Tell us? Tell us first the bad news, Prince Pince Pink Slip is
dead. No, oh no, that terrible news. Urse you file slavers.
And then the spy is like, and now for the worst news.
His body has been claimed by one of by one of the council members.
He plans to take the prince's body back to his mansion and stuff, and
mounted cal does his absolute best to keep from going. Could you be more
specific with that last? But yeah, he rip its a few times to
Craphole and uh and grib it, and finally Craphole turns and he's like,
He's like well, according to me, friend, here he's been he's been
taken to the home of one of them, one of them rich fellas Diamond
Osan I believe his name was, and the rest. It sounds like exactly
that he's planning on keeping on keeping the princess some kind of some kind of
trophy. Dan Dan Deliver rubbed his hands together. Sounds like heist time,
baby. That's my thoughts, my thoughts exactly. That's not everything that sounded
like. I was just really looking for which definition amount we were working?
Yeah, and stuff. Remember, linguistically, rification is hoist another term for
burning down a mounsion. No, but sometimes the way we hoist, Yes,
that I shall be excellent hoisting. I mean it's a rich slaver's house.
So like, let me clarifa, I'm burning down this mission. Give
me a cal, give me an intelligence kyl, give me an intelligence check.
After we retrieved the prince's body. Of course it's jack. Yeah,
it's a nineteen So all right, cal, you remember that that Diamond was
He was the younger, slightly friendlier, one of the of the council members,
one of the one of the ones who up until you all well,
you know, tried to murder them all with actually seemed sympathetic to your cause.
All right, well, okay, hold on a second. If I'm
remembering correctly, this council member was the one who was like kna okay or
sympathetic to what we were saying. A friendly slaver. I don't know,
like I mean one of the The fact that he's mounting a corpse in his
house kind of dodgy. What did I care about moral ambiguity? In any
way, we have a mission in front of his infiltrate, retrieve. What
the fuck you guys do after that is your business? At that, Craphole
gets a thoughtful look on his face. We're about as thoughtful as a person
named Craphole can get as a virulent racist can get. And he'd like,
he's like, this is this is good? Friends, don't kill me A
friend, is like, because a forward assault on the city would almost suddenly
wind up with all of us dead. But I know I know that how
I know this, uh this diamond's mention. I snuck it into it a
few times to to uh well, to burglarize it. And I know that
there's there's an entrance outside of town that leads into the sewers that will then
lead into the basement of his house. You may be a racist, but
I like your style. Also full of frontal assault. We were we were
planning to sneak into their houses at night and kill them, right, well,
the snaky bit, yeah, yeah, yeah, No, I'm I'm
with I'm with the tin can. Whur's the prince? Yeah, well,
well we'll get We'll get the right, We'll get the prince and then we'll
wait. He's already dead. We don't have to save him. His body
where his people who are going to help us murder the others? We should
penetrate the poop tunnels the prince, the prince. They are going to save
the prince as the as the like you know, the um the entire village
like erupts into cheers. This would be a really good time for you to
tell us that you have lots of powerful magical items that will keep us mostly
Jorcurer and stand from dying horribly. Well, who are you saying that too,
craphead? Well, he's he's he's like, I got me a dagger
on a sword. Magic always always done me. Well, I use neither
of those things I have pants made of human skin. Perhaps what we need
above magical eating and pants made of human skin, is an actual fucking plan
for a change thorough well, I figured we'd sneaking through the sewers stealer's body
and sneak out outstanding. I'm ritty sure, mccow metallic as I am as
going to have an addendum to this plan that involves setting the place on fucking
fire. Nine. It's a slaver's house. Okay, we don't care about
that, but so long as that plan goes on impeded, and I think
my additional contributions shall be unproblematic for us. Yeah, we don't have to
worry about wearing gloves then. Now, my friend Joelser here has proven himself
adept at disguising himself, and I'm something of a dap panda dapte too,
So how about I disguise myself as a wealthy merchant and Joseph is by attractive
wife, and we create a distraction at the front door whilst you do your
shit plat. I like you. I mean, I've heard worst ideas,
you know what. I'm on board with it. Now we can also be
carrying a grate of quote unquote goods that are in fact just a box full
of angry gnome. Box full of angry gnomes. That's the way you come
in one, I'm a halfling, you would definitely annoying. Okay, apparently
Crabhole is not the only racist here. But if your plan means I don't
have to wade through the sewers, I'm in. Sewers are all well and
good. But if you can inject a little bit of drama into the proceedings,
why not we can all have a good time. Excellent. Also,
if the three foot tall member of the party doesn't wade through the sewers,
he's much happy. Ribbet steps forward and he seems to be a little more
intel eligent than crap. It's like, I will goshtion you my friends.
One. The town is on the high alert for criminals such as yourselves.
The slightest misstep and they will descend upon you in mass and Crapple is also
that needs be somebody's like OHI And also, if I might add, the
sewers all wee bit dangerous. So the less of us that go, the
less of us that will probably live fewer. So you're saying that we should
send you through the sewers alone, because if you die, we don't care.
Got it? So we're all hiding in a box that Stand and Chorcerer
are carrying. Okay, well, I'm not normally one for democracy, particularly
and when most of my party is psychotic in some way. But who votes
for the dramatic, fanciful plan where we get to wear makeup and play pretend
and probably die or the one where we crawl, frushit and maybe live.
I'm all for the dress up. I can pull this out. Rser was
already wearing a dress. Somehow, I believe my delicate nose will endure the
sewers. I'll be fine down the sewers. I'm gonna be a mohawk in
a box. Well, Stand, it sounds like you are the deciding vote.
How do we feel about suplaying the pie. I know that's a terrible
idea in most cases, but for entertainment, pepsis no. I think it'll
out of character. I think it will lead to more boring segments of the
podcast, where where the one of us that has more merch built around him
is not with the people slogging through shit. That's true, I mean just
saying that a lot more Jorcerer T shirts. So counterpoint, I was planning
to draw a Jorcerer in like a Jackie Oh outfit. That's another vote for
every climbing Let me just let me just say joyce for her, you will
almost certainly give the guards at a major plus to their perception checks. Well,
if we're losing a paladin and destructive robot friend to the sewers, and
I guess we're a little go die in a boring way. Lead on crap,
Paul, you ignored racist boy to the seers. I'm going to need
a raft, definitely going to need a raft of some sort, or a
couple of frogs. I can float through the sewers on frogs. That's fine.
Frogs. What do you mean a lot of racism going around these days.
I mean you are you are welcome to catch frogs? We all walks
racist. No we are not floatation devices. No you're not. But you
can find me frogs. That's what I meant, of course, that's what
I meant. Man distracted, Come on suicide mentioned in the Suez. Let's
go suicide, Jesus suicide. Yeah all right, well fuck I think on
that pun that is a good place for us to leave off as Craphole begins
leading you back into the woods along a wooded path. Um where it will
take you. I think we will find out next time On Salty Bastards.
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