Understand the thinking atheist. It's not a person, it's a symbol, an
idea. The population of atheists in this country is going through the room,
rejecting faith, pursuing knowledge, challenging the sacred. If I tell the truth,
it's because I tell the truth, not because I put my hand on
a book and made a wish and working together for a more rational world.
Take the risk of thinking, feel so much more happiness. Truth Beausian wisdom
will come to you that way. Assume nothing, question everything, and start
thinking. This is the Thinking Atheist podcast, hosted by Seth Andrews. I've
been thinking for a while about doing a Bible trivia show. It kind of
has a dual purpose. It's a Bible study, which we've done a few
of these before, but trivia right trivia. It has been said, actually
it has been statistically shown that atheists know the Bible better than most believers.
Most of the people who are Christians who have three copies at least three copies
of the Bible in their house. Oh look, there's one on the nightstand
and maybe one in the bedroom, and there's one in the bookshelf. It's
right next to Frank Turk and Josh McDowell and maybe a strong's concordance. And
if you were to peel them out of the bookshelf and crack them open,
you would hear literal cracking of the pages, because the only other time it's
been opened was the date of purchase. So you and I have a conversation
and say, hey, check out this story. Did you see this verse?
Did you know about that? And they go, eh, happens all
the time, but let's put that to the test. I thought about having
callers dial in and take the test or answer these questions one on one,
and then I reconsidered because I thought about how I watch game shows at home.
I'm not on television. I'm not there in the studio with a live
audience playing for cash or whatever. I'm not the one smashing on the buzzer
trying to beat the other contestants with the right answer, and yet I'm still
playing along. I'm sitting back on the couch or popped up in bed with
a dog in my lap, and the questions come on screen and I am
answering the questions and I'm into it. So if I get it right,
I get to feel superior. I know all things and if I get it
wrong, I'm either embarrassed or intrigued at something that I had not known before.
That's how we're going to play trivia today. And as we answer some
basic questions from the Old and New Testament, we will also learn even more
about what is buried in plain sight in the Bible. And because I believe
in being thorough, I have included game show music in the broadcast today.
Sit back, prime your mental pump, and let us trivia together. Let's
start at the starts. I guess in the Book of Genesis. This is
probably an easy one for most of our listeners. The Book of Genesis says
that the land was filled with giants. They were so large that they made
humans look like grasshoppers in comparison, what were those giants called? Were they
a basilisk, a nephilum a standing serpent, or rodents of unusual size?
Basilisk nephylum standing serpent rodents of unusual size? The correct answer, of course,
is the nephylum. Now, these creatures are traditionally thought to be demon
spawn. They were produced when angels were kicked out of heaven. They were
fallen angels, or maybe they just took a weekend, or decided to come
down to earth. Like let's say you're in the military, you get some
R and R, you get to go off site for a while. I
don't know, but for some reason they came down to Earth and had sex
with human women and no one used protection. So they're were babies produced,
except the babies weren't babies. The offspring were hybrid creatures, allegedly huge in
size, half breed giants that would grow up and up and up, and
they would go on to exploit, kill, and enslave humanity. Genesis says
the Nephilim were on the earth in those days and also afterward when the sons
of God went into the daughters of humans who bore children to them. These
were the heroes that were of old warriors of renown. And of course it's
at this point that the apologists start to fight with each other. Were these
monsters who enslaved humanity and killed humanity? Or were they some kind of a
holy creature? Right? The warriors of renowned. The Nephilum are mentioned again
in Numbers chapter thirteen as the Israelites prepared to enter the land of Canaan,
so they brought to the Israelites an unfavorable report of the land that they had
spied out, saying, the land that we have gone through as spies is
a land that devours its inhabitants, and all the people that we saw in
it are of great size. There we saw the Nephilim. The Anakites come
from the Nephilim, and to ourselves we seemed like grasshoppers, and so we
seemed to them. Some scholars, who again disagree with other scholars, think
that Ezekiel thirty two twenty seven and its reference to fallen mighty men is also
a reference to Nephelim. And of course this brings about some pretty basic questions,
and I, as skeptics, are scratching our heads, going, okay,
hang on just a second. Let's say let's say you're bronze age female
and you're sitting at a bar and a demon comes in and he's like,
hey, baby, you come here. Often would you be inclined to follow
said demon back to his evil sex cave? Does the descriptor great size refer
not to their bodies but to their point devil loins. If they're giants,
that means they would have been giant babies. So what's that look like coming
out of a human woman? Right? The canals as big as a lemon,
and the giant baby looks like a three hundred pound version of Quato from
total recall, those of us in the skeptical community have vaginal questions about how
that is going to happen in the delivery room? Right? And how does
that happen? Is the equivalent of a human giving birth to a baby water
buffalo? So we just chew on that one. And if the Nephelim are
mentioned after Noah and the floating zoo story, right, Noah and the Arc
the Great Flood? Does that mean that they didn't board the arc but they
were still here on Earth they were submerged under the surface breathing water for well
over a year. Or did God give them like a guest house up in
the clouds? Did they hang out in Hell, which, by the way,
would not be invented until the New Testament. I have questions, and
let's go to our next quest question on the board, many of us have
purchased Ezekiel bread at the local grocery store. The Old Testament talks about Ezekiel,
the Israelite priest, a man who had had visions of the future.
He was a prophet of Abraham. He foretold the destruction of Jerusalem and then
the restoration of the Jewish people to the land of Israel. Ezekiel's alleged Tomb
is a popular tourist attraction in Mesopotamia. Now there's no proof that it's actually
the tomb that belonged to an Ezekiel. People just say it is, or
assume it is, or want it to be for fun and profit. This
is a mausoleum. It has a conical dome, so it looks like a
building with an upside down waffle cone on top of it. Bring a few
extra bucks to this tourist mecca, and of course, pick up your souvenir
Ezekiel's tomb Keyfob's action figures, MUDs t shirts, and get a special pillow
for sleeping on your side that has a story attached to it. By the
way, I'm lying about the gift shop. I just thought it was kind
of a funny visual, Okay, lying on your side. This is what
Ezekiel did for God before the demise of Jerusalem. God wanted Ezekiel to act
out a special pantomime representing the carnage to come. So the prophet was ordered
to make a clay tablet and to draw Jerusalem on it. So we drew
a little city or a big city on the clay, and then he stomped
all over the clay. This symbolized the upcoming destruction of the city. It's
the equivalent of building an ornate sand castle and then whacking the shit out of
it with a shovel. Okay, So this has symbolic meaning. A holy
siege was on the horizon. Afterward, Ezekiel was commanded to take an iron
pan, and this pan was to represent the iron wall separating him and the
city. He would face the pan, then he would punch and kick the
pan. This was a skillet SmackDown, again, representative of the SmackDown to
come in real life. God commanded Ezekiel to lie on his side for three
hundred and ninety days to represent the three hundred and ninety years of Israel's sin,
and lie on his side for forty days, which was to represent the
forty years of the House of Judas's sins. So what does that come to?
Four hundred and thirty days, well over a year and two months.
And to make sure he did not cheat or shuffle around or get up or
do whatever. God tied him up with ropes, and as he laid there,
he would somehow make bread. I can barely make bread standing up.
I'm in the kitchen trying to make bread. Can't make bread standing up.
But he's supposed to make bread while he's lying on the side. And the
bread is supposed to be made of wheat and beans and lentils and some other
stuff. This would be easy keel bread that inspired the bread we have today.
And he needed fuel for the fire for cooking. The question is what
was the fuel the blood of a goat, a holy flame, a Coleman
lantern, or his own excrement. So goat's blood, a holy fire,
Coleman lantern, his own shit. And if you picked number four profit excrement,
you are right on the money. Now, it has been argued,
and there are verses in the Bible to support this, that the reason God
wanted excrement as fuel for cooking fires was that when you're seizing a city,
who's got time to mess with flour, oil, and honey. Plus,
you don't always have cattle and camels and animals around. But there were plenty
of soldiers, plenty of people, and all of those people have to at
some point poop. So they're battling and seizing and warring, and then they
say, excuse me just a second, I'll be right back. I cannot
hold it any longer. And then they go off, and I guess they
poop next to Ezekiel's fire, and then he uses that poop to make bread.
Well, Ezekiel protested, He's like, well, why me, Lord,
why would you have me do it? I have only been faithful to
you and God, because he is wonderful, reconsidered and said, okay,
fine, bake your bread over cow dung instead. Oh no, this story
isn't weird in the slightest. Next question, you know, if you tell
the Bible stories like this to Sunday school kids, I think they would actually
pay attention. The third Book of the Old Testament reveals yet another scenario where
God creates a calamitous event filled with horror. He then provides the solution to
the calamity and horror, and his precious kids thank him for being so good.
As was common in the Old Testament, the Israelites were again on the
war path. It was the acquisition of land and the slaughtering of God's enemies.
But this requires a lot of travel, and they started complaining about the
journey. Oh oh Yahweh doesn't like to hear complaining from the kids, so
he sent venomous snakes to bite and kill the Israelites and many dies, and
they cried out, God, oh, God, Father of fathers, please,
if you would, could you stop murdering us. He agreed, but
rather than simply resurrect those who had died and then restore those still living,
he came up with this scenario. He told Moses, I want you to
make a healing totem. I want you to take the effigy of an animal,
stick it to a pole and raise it high in the air. Victims
who look up at this statue will be healed. No, I don't know.
If the dead people could be sort of grabbed, he could take their
head and kind of move the eyes, the dead eyes toward the stick.
I don't know. But those living, at least if they looked at this
animal on a pole, they would be healed. What was the animal?
Was it a serpent, a rams head, a raven or, a dove,
a serpent, a rams head? Raven or dove, and the answer
is a serpent. Interestingly, numbers twenty one says that it was a fiery
serpent, and then it would be erected high up onto the end of this
giant stick, and everybody would look up and they would be healed, and
all was happily ever after, until four chapters later, when the Israelites,
with an alarmingly bad memory, started disobeying their father again. In that instance,
they started having a bunch of unholy sex. Yahweh does not like unholy
sex, and so he went right back to smiting and murdering them in unspeakable
ways. Okay, I've got more Bible trivia lined up for you. I
may reduce the length of some of the stories. I just liked the context
of the questions, maybe even more than the questions themselves. They just amuse
me if I can contain myself. But more Bible trivia coming up next.
As the song goes the b I b l E. Now that's the book
for me. I stand upon the word of God the biv l E.
And so far on trivia, we've had demon sex with women, Yahweh spanking
the Israelites with snake bites, and prophets cooking with their own pooh and hopefully
easy keel bread has plenty of fiber. Okay. The Book of Judges brings
us our next question. Judges tells the heartwarming story of more assassinations. The
Israelites were again being bad, bad bad had bad people, They were bad
kids, and God slaughtered a whole bunch of them. Because He's a good
dad. The Israelites again cried out, please stop slaughtering us. So Yahweh
said, okay, fine, I will send unto you a deliverer, and
his name is e Hud. Now the Bible takes great pains to tell us
that e Hud was left handed, and it was with his left hand that
he wielded his sword, a sword the length of his elbow to the tip
of his fingers, about eighteen inches, which sounds more like a knife than
a sword. But he wore it on his right thigh, and he wielded
it with his left hand. Okay, e Hud would be commissioned to use
that sword against one of God's enemies. So he's going to go out on
a mission and he's going to do something for God. And then God is
going to say, fine, now, that you have pleased me, I'm
gonna quit killing my kids. Okay. So e Hud traveled to meet up
with Egglon, a guy who was the king of the land of Moab,
and e Hud had a plan. He went up to the king in his
palace with a tribute. I bring unto you, great King, and offering
and the king said thank you for my tribute, thank you for my offering,
and all was hunky and dory. Everybody was playing nice. And then
e Hud told the kings, I have a secret to tell you, but
I can't say it in front of anybody else. Well, King Egglon loved
secrets, and apparently he had the iq of a wicker couch because he sent
all of his minions out of the palace, including his bodyguards. He just
sent everybody out. And it was then that e Hud, the deliverer left,
handed his sword from his right thigh and he plunged it into the king.
But he didn't pull the sword out of the King's body. Something else
happened. Your trivia question is did the sword simply vanish? Did it pass
all the way through the throne entirely? Did it disappear into the king's fat,
or did it miraculously reappear on e HUD's right thigh, So your four
choices, the sword vanished, it passed through the body, and then all
the way through the king's throne, it disappeared into the king's fat, or
it miraculously reappeared on e HUD's right thigh. And if you guessed that it
disappeared into the king's fat, you would be correct. That weapon got sucked
into a big rolling glob of royal plumpness known by scholars as the dunlop.
As the king's body dunlopped over the sword. And then, and I am
not kidding Judges, Chapter three, verse twenty two says that the king shit
himself, and then e Hud left. He just walked out the door,
and he locked the door behind him. So the King's servants and minions and
all that, they're all standing outside the palace going hmmm. Ehud just left
and he locked the door behind him. I guess nothing's wrong here. Why
didn't they rush into the palace to accompany the king again? Because they assumed
he was taking a pee. He's gone to the toilet. Well, of
course, but after a suspiciously long period for urination. The minions finally realized
a bladder only holes so much, and they burst into the chamber to find
their beloved king dead with a sword sucked into his fat. He had long
gone. He went back to the Israelite army, and then the army rallied
all together, and they tooled up with weapons. They went back to the
land of Moab, and they executed everybody in the lands, about ten thousand
people. God is good. Okay, let's do some that are fast and
furious here that aren't quite so quirky. And we'll play it straight for a
while, okay, And I'm going to just blow through these, and you
answer the questions. Which woman betrayed the strongest man in the Bible? Was
it Deborah Delilah Miriam or Salome? Deborah Delilah Miriam Salome. The answer Delilah.
Right, we're talking about Samson. And she cut his hair, robbed
him of his strength, until God at the end said, hey, fine,
I'll make you strong again. And he pressed on the pillars and brought
a roof down on all of his enemies and they died. In the Christian
You Testament, what was Luke's occupation? Was he a tax collector, a
soldier, a fisherman, or a physician. Tax collectors, soldier, fisherman,
physician. Luke was a physician. What did God do to the people
who were building the Tower of Babble because he was mad that they were attempting
to reach the heavens? Did he confuse their language, strike them down with
fire, turn them into pillars of salt, or blind them confuse their language,
striking with fire, pillars of salt, or making them all blinds.
I'm sure you're all over this one. He confused their language and then they
all dispersed, which is supposed to account for all of the conflicting languages on
planet Earth. By the way, it's interesting that God was so upset about
the building of the Tower of Babble in the Old Testament, which given the
technology and building materials, couldn't have been more than a few hundred feet tall
if that, and today we have the International Space Station orbiting the planet at
a height that the Old Testament authors could have never imagined, and God hasn't
said a damn thing about it. Next question, what kind of tree did
Jesus cause to wither because it bore no fruit? An apple tree? A
lemon tree, a fig tree, or a coconut tree. You've got this
one. It's the fig tree. By the way, the New Testament has
countrydictory accounts of the cursing of the fig tree. The Book of Mark says
that when Jesus cursed it, it withered right there in front of everybody.
The Book of Matthew says that they walked by the next day to discover the
withered fig tree. How long did Moses live? Eighty years, one hundred
twenty years, one hundred thirty five years, or one hundred thirty eight years.
So eighty one twenty one thirty five, one thirty eight and the answer
is one hundred and twenty. Of course, the oldest person in the Bible
Matthuselah. According to the Book of Genesis, Methuselah died at the tender age
of nine hundred sixty nine. Totally believable. In the Gospel of Luke,
chapter eleven, Jesus cast the demons out of a possessed man, and he
cast those demons into what was it pigs, sheep cattle or Marjorie Taylor Green
pigs, sheep cattle or MTG. Now I know it's tempting. But despite
the fact that apparently demons are eternal, it was not Marjorie. It was
the pigs. And what did the pigs ever do to Jesus? Why not
just cast them out, cast out the demons and throw them back into Hell.
Instead he throws like two thousand pigs over the cliff and into the sea.
What about the guy who owned all the pigs. Jesus just ruined his
livelihood. We know he herded the pigs and raised the pigs and sold the
pigs for meat or whatever. His entire pig What do you call a flock
of pigs or a herd of pigs? Hang on, I gotta google this.
What do you what do you call? I don't call it a flack
of pigs. I'm gonna call it a flock of pigs, a drift of
pigs, or a drove of pigs. So the drove of pigs over the
cliff and the poor pig farmer is essentially host Thank you, Jesus. Next
question, who became the King of Judah at the age of seven? Was
it re Hobboam Jehosh Solomon or has a kiah re Hoboam Jehoesh Solomon has a
Kiah. The seven year old who was made king was Jehosh. I'm sorry
seven. By the way, seven is too young to open a bank account.
I mean today's rules. You can't open a bank account. You're nine
years from being able to have even a part time job. You can't enter
a pub, you can't go to a rated R movie, you can't drive
in some places, you can't even get your ears pierced. But at seven,
oh, yes, you can rule an entire kingdom. And I guess
when you're not making law and policy for an entire realm, you go in
your room and you play monster YETI in my spaghetti. So always good to
have a child king if you want experience maturity and justice in your lens.
Who ate locusts and wild honey in the Bible was Jeremiah John the Baptist Elisha
or Samuel. Who ate locusts and wild honey? Jeremiah Elisha, John the
Baptist or Samuel. And for this answer we go into Matthew chapter three.
John's clothes were made of camel's hair, and he had a leather belt around
his waist. His food was locusts and wild honey. So the correct answer,
of course, is the New Testament answer of John the Baptist. You
know, more and more people are eating insects today, and I find this
fascinating. I think I've tried chocolate covered ants, and once I reset my
brain, they were actually pretty good. But today, apparently nearly two thousand
insect species have been identified as edible, and more people are eating them as
protein sources. So instead of cows and deer and that kind of thing,
they're eating farm raised crickets. Sometimes they actually coat them in powdered sugar.
People are dining on termites and beetles, grasshoppers, scorpions. Uh uh,
nope, I'm out by the way, Scorpions are not insects. But sorry,
scorpions. I've seen Clash of the Titans. It scarred me as a
child. Scorpions scared theush shit out of me. I'm not doing it,
okay. Edible bugs. They're saying that it's much cheaper, much better for
the environment, and much less cruel to dine on bugs. Back to the
Bible, What was the mountain where Noah's arc came to rest? Was it
Mount Ararat, Mount Sinai, Mount Carmel, or Mount Zion. Which mountain
did Noah's ark come to rest on? Ararat, Sinai, Carmel or Zion.
The correct answer here, according to historians and Bible scholars, would be
Aerra Rats, which is the Hebrew name for mountains of Armenia. By the
way, when I say that historians and theologians agree that it was most likely
Aerra Rat, I'm not saying it actually happened. I think they're agreeing on
what the story says. Okay, sure, there are some theologians who buy
into the boat landing on the mountain and it's up there somewhere. Ever seen
a creationists a picture of a naturally occurring land formation and say that this is
a boat there is I can't even describe the shape of it. I guess
it's arc shaped. It's dirt with grass on top, and creationists see that,
and the pattern seeker in their brain says, hmm, that's Noah's arc.
No fact checking required. Genesis chapter six has been validated. My questions,
my commentary, these things continue. Brace yourself because it is next.
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and it is greatly appreciated. So become a patron. Paytreon dot com
slash Seth Andrews, and let's do some more Bible trivia. When David went
to battle against the giant Goliath, how many stones did he grab to put
in his sling? Verse Samuel, chapter twenty one, verses one through nine.
The Philistines had come up to make war against Saul Verse Samuel, Chapter
seventeen, verse four. A champion named Goliath, who was from Gath,
came out of the Philistine camp. Nine feet tall. He had a bronze
helmet on his head and wore a coat of scale armor of bronze, weighing
five thousand shekels. Blah blah blah. King Saul sought somebody in his army
to come forward to do battle with this giant. No one did except for
the diminutive boy David. He brandished his slingshot, and then he gathered how
many smooth stones off of the ground two pebbles, three pebbles, four pebbles
or five, two, three, four or five for Samuel seventeen forty.
Then he took his staff in his hand chose five smooth stones from the stream.
Taxes are always weird with Jesus believers. I think the Christ had said
render und to Caesar, what is Caesar's but he was also saying, well,
maybe we don't owe the government anything. It's all material goods. We
go to the New Testament for our next query. Jesus arrives in Copernium.
He's got all the disciples with him, including Peter and Lo and behold,
a couple of tax collectors show up. The Bible says they are the collectors
of the two drachma temple tax. And these guys said, hey, why
isn't your teacher Jesus paying his fair share he owes the government. Peter's trying
to cover and he said, okay, yeah, sure he does. And
Peter walks into the house where Jesus is and Jesus said, from whom do
the kings of the earth collect duty in taxes? From their own children?
Or from others? And Peter said from others, meaning I guess there's a
double standard. The kings exempt themselves and their families, while the commoners have
to bear the weight. Jesus thinks this is unjust. But so that we
may not cause a fence, we are going to conjure up some tax money.
What did Jesus tell Peter to do to get the drachmas for the tax
collectors? Take a stone and bury it in the sand, Sell all of
his possessions, open a fish's mouth, or put his fingers in the wine
skins for the coins. So take a stone, bury it in the sand,
sell his possessions, open a fish's mouth, or fish for the coins
at the bottom of the wine skin. And of course, as it should
be, it's the fish mouth Matthew, Chapter seventeen, verse twenty seven.
But so that we may not cause a fence, go to the lake and
throw out your line. Take the first fish you catch, open its mouth,
and you will find a four drachma coin. Take it and give it
to them for my tax and yours. Jesus could have just opened up his
bomb. Hey, look it's four drachmas. But instead he's like, okay,
go get your pole. It doesn't say if he went out on a
boat. I'm guessing you had to go out on a boat. Take your
pole and sail out there on the waters. And I want you to cast
your line in until you catch a fish. First fish you catch, I
want you to bring him back to shore, stick your finger in its mouth,
and you'll find the four drachma coin. There so makes perfect sense to
me, And of course the king was properly paid because for some reason,
Christ is worried about upsetting earthly authority. According to the Bible, in the
Old Testament, how many legs do insects have? Six, two, four,
or ten? Leviticus Chapter eleven. All flying insects that walk on all
fours are to be detestable to you. Okay, well, we've established a
couple of things. We can assume that the author of Leviticus was not a
trained entomologist. And two, they were not eating insects in the early books
of the Bible, not even chocolate covered or sprinkled with powdered sugar, which
Bible book contains these verses. The joints of thy thighs are like jewels.
Thy navel is like a round goblet, which wanteth not liquor. Thy belly
is like a heap of wheat set about with lilies. I think this needs
music. We need some sexy music. Hang on, thy two breasts are
like two young rows that are twins. How pleasant art thou o love for
delights thy breasts two clusters of grapes. Thy breasts shall be as clusters of
the vine Come, my beloved, let us go forth into the field.
Let us get up early to the vineyards. There I will give thee my
loves. By the way. The next verse, I have to throw this
in. I would cause thee to drink of spiced wine, of the juice
of my pomegranate. What the hell would you like to drink the juice of
my pomegranate? Which book of the Bible? Which book of the Bible are
these verses located? Ezra Esther Daniel or the Song of Solomon ezra Esther Daniel
Song of Solomon. Of course it's got to be the Song of Solomon,
also known as the Song of Song. This is an erotic Bible poem.
It has nothing to say about Old Testament law or the covenant with God or
Israel. It has no proverbs or commands or ancient wisdom. Instead, it's
a celebration of sexual love two lovers, obviously going to be a man and
a woman, because it's the Bible and they are desiring each other in sexual
intimacy. The Song of Songs, the Song of Solomon, the Book of
the Juicy Pomegranate. Perhaps you have never heard of the story of Uticus,
which sounds like a type of Bunyan. But Uticus was a New Testament character.
And at the city of Troaz, I think I'm saying it right Troas,
Paul was giving a sermon, and he talked and talked and talked and
talked. I mean, you think you've sat through a long sermon. Paul
spoke to the people according to the Book of Acts, because he intended to
leave the next day, kept on talking until midnight. Seated in a window
was a young man named Eudicus, and Eudicus was bored. Your trivia question,
is this what happened to Uticus next? Did this guy fall from the
window and die in the street. Did Paul afflict him with leoprosy. Did
Jesus appear inside the room and rebuke him, Or did Udicus spontaneously drown in
the juice of his own pomegranate so fall from the window and die afflicted by
an angry Paul with leprosy. Christ appears inside the room and rebukes him,
or he drowns in pomegranate juice. The correct answer is Eudicus fell asleep and
then he fell from a three story window and was killed. Acts Chapter twenty,
verse ten. Paul went down, threw himself on the young man and
put his arms around him and said, don't be alarmed. He's alive.
And the man was resurrected. The people took him home, and they were
all greatly comforted. But I can't blame Eudicus. Those of us who have
sat through those excruciatingly long church sermons can relate to Udicus. We get it.
You fell asleep, and you fell out, and you died. But
at least you got peace. Hell, some of us might just fling ourselves
out the window after about eight thirty. You're like, I've had enough merciful
death. Take me. I remember growing up, I had a kind of
a mix I had Baptist churches, but my mother was Assembly of God slash
Pennycostals. So the Baptist church they had a clock at the back wall,
so it started at eleven and the service ended at noon. And if you
went over it was either the week of Revival or you were going to get
a nasty gram and send it to the Bord of Deacons and say, hey,
this is outrageous. We have brunch planned, We're going to a restaurant
and you went over time. Penny costal churches, there's no rules. Those
suckers can go on for hours and hours and hours. I remember I DJ'ed
a wedding once when I was just a teenager, and they had a pennycostal
couple getting married. They brought in three pastors, three preachers, and they
all gave full sermons at a wedding. I get it. If I had
gone to sleep and fallen out a window to my death, it probably would
have turned out to be a much better evening. I'm just saying. For
our last trivia question and Bible story, let's go back to the Old Testament
to talk about Moses, one of the most famous characters in the Bible.
We've all seen the Charlton Heston movie. He was a perfect Moses, by
the way, and he went into Egypt to liberate the Israelites. And then
there's that iconic scene as the Red Sea parts and God's children are set free.
Moses was actually on his way to free those Israelites, and God was
preparing him. He said, Moses, I'm going to tool you up,
and I'm going to show you how to do a bunch of signs and wonders
to impress Pharaoh so he will be convinced to let my people go. Oh
and then, for a reason that makes no logical sense, I will harden
Pharaoh's heart so he won't let my people go. He's not gonna have a
choice. He's gonna double down and say forget it. And then you do
more signs and wonders and Pharaoh is unable to agree until finally I kicked Pharaoh's
ah. Okay. But making even less sense is what happened before Moses reached
the borders of Egypt. Exodus chapter twenty does not say why, but God
got really mad at Moses. He was so angry that he was going to
execute him before he fulfilled his mission that God had trained him for somebody explained
this to me. Okay, God says, free my people, here's how,
But it's not gonna work. Wait a minute, you've totally gotten under
my skin and my petty raid, which is more important than the liberation of
the thousands and thousands and thousands of may oppressed and enslaved children. So I'm
gonna kill you. Moses, here it comes, prepare yourself. But then
the hero of this story, Moses's wife, Zipporus, swooped in to save
the day, and she knew just how to appease Yahweh's anger. She threw
something on Moses's feet. What did she throw? Was it a lack of
hair from her son, a ring from her son's hand, an offering of
her son upon the sacrificial altar, or the fleshy tip of her son's penis,
lack of hair, ring from the hand, an offering of the son
outright upon the altar, or penis flesh? Which one was it? And
the correct answer is number four, the fleshy tip of her son's penis.
And of course, anybody who has heard my Bible commentary over the years is
fully aware of God's obsession with the penis. And circumcision and foreskins, because
we talk about it quite a bit and just how weird it is. So
in Exodus twenties, Zippora took a flint knife, she sliced off her son's
foreskin and touched Moses's feet with it. Now, hang on, I know
there are already people who are cranking out their emails of protest to inform me
that. Yes, in that time period, feet was often a euphemism for
the genitals. So in that case, Moses's wife would have taken a flint
knife and sliced off her son's foreskin and then rubbed it on Moses's baloney pony,
upon his twig and berries around his disco stick, the junk, the
knob, the lollipop, the one eyed trouser snake, the pickle, the
piston, the skin flute. Yes, Moses's wife knew how to assuage God's
anger because the Lord sees penis flesh rubbing against penis flesh and says, this
is lovely. Please continue on with your day. I should do. I
should write a whole book and tell Bible stories in my own words. I
just I amuse myself. I don't know if I amuse you at all,
but I amuse myself trying to tell these stories in an interering way, because
they're just wacky. I hope you've enjoyed this one, and as you continue
on with your day, I hope that it contains no flint knives, no
fat swords, no demon birthing, no poop stoves. And may you enjoy
the end of this day with soothing music, time with family and friends,
and of course, the tasty juice of your pomegranate. And I'll see you
later. Follow The Thinking Atheist on Facebook and Twitter for a complete archive of
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