The opinions expressed by Chayo Busquets are supported by his extensive experience as a family
therapist and in the previous analysis of the cases presented here welcome. This is
it, Chayo with you in jewel. We begin, if you will be
very welcome. On this Tuesday, Tuesday, April 9th and well, we
' ll have all audios. Remember that you can already send by audio message
your case, your question, your concern and for whom writing and writing is
not your thing. Well, as long as you don' t spend a
minute sending it to Whatsapp, just audio messages, not phone calls, not
other types of messages, just audio messages. Fifty- five, thirty-
seven, twenty- four, seven, seven, twenty- seven, if
they didn' t get to notice it just as soon as we had audio
messages. Today, in the end the phone repeats itself. So you can
have access to it and we' re going to go right into it with
a theme. I say hello good afternoon, I don' t know what
to do anymore. I' m nineteen. I' m the daughter of
separated parents and they' ve always fought. When my dad wants to come,
my mom says no, she doesn' t want to see him and
she puts me between the sword and the wall Like two years ago I met
a boy and now we' re friends, but she doesn' t like
my mom because she says it' s a because the word I can'
t say to the air and she has mommytis, she' s not a
man. She' s been to my mom' s house several times already.
You know him in mine, but he always talks bad about him.
He respects me. He is the older brother of four sisters and they speak
to me and he invited me to his house on his birthday. And when
I have to go out, my mom tells me I have to ask permission,
although she already knows who you' re advising me with. Son looks
at him all of a sudden. This always reminds me of what I often
comment here on the show that they tell me and tell me and dads tell
me, my kids are the first things for them. I give a good
life a whole series of situations about it. But it is enough that there
is a conflict with the couple so that we actually realize that what matters most
to them is the issue of the couple. Maybe your mom would say that
' s not true, because I don' t want to know about my
husband or my ex anymore That' s exactly why I tell my daughter I
don' t want her to come. Yeah, that' s all it
is. If the daughter were first, they wouldn' t be putting her
at that crossroads. In relation to your dad, I think you' d
clearly have to tell your mom. Ok if you don' t want my
dad to come, then I' m going to go out with my dad
for a while so I can see him, because, you can half understand
that dad doesn' t want to be seen by this mom. However,
that doesn' t mean that you have to deprive yourself of seeing your dad
and every age you are. And since who you' re gonna know is
with your dad. Well, if your dad sends you a little message,
I' ll tell you that you' re already out, and then they
go out for a walk, buy an ice cream, have a drink,
spend some time together, because it can be unfortunate, unpleasant, uncomfortable even
for your dad, because going into the house, which is your mom'
s house, even though it looks like your house, also the reality is
that you' re older and, therefore, you live with your mom.
So that can be respected now. In relation to the boy, I think
you need to learn to differentiate a lot from what your mom seems to bring
there complicated in life and her vision of men. And as long as you
' re clear about your perception of this guy and that you have a different
experience around the experience with men, I' d say if you ask your
mom' s permission, because I insist you live in her house and,
therefore, you have to respect her rules. But clearly, knowing that when
your mother expresses herself like this about this boy, she is actually being contaminated
by her life- cycle experiences with men and that you have the right to
disagree and have your own position on it. Hopefully, parents will learn that
if the opinion is given, it is given once and not repeated, because
it is very unpleasant to be listening consistently or an opinion that is not flattering
to someone for whom one feels or esteem or is giving oneself the opportunity to
treat it. So this message is dads give your opinion once and then don
' t repeat it and respect the disagreement you have about the way your kids
see the people they' re relating to. And from that context, things
are going to walk differently. I hope this helps you to be lighter what
you' re living with your mom around these two themes. As for the
subject you' re touching on about setting limits, I feel like it doesn
' t happen to me with my partner, but yes with my teenager he
' s in high school. I' ve come to the conclusion that I
can' t control it, but it' s not fear or that I
want to be afraid of putting limits on it. I feel like my love
for him is the one that' s making me this no limit, you
could help. You don' t know how much. I appreciate the honesty
of your comment, because the vast majority of times two situations arise. You,
the one you' ve already ruled out isn' t out of fear,
but a lot of dads if it happens to them that out of fear
that the son will get angry, they don' t put limits on them.
But the second that is consistently present is the son’ s affection for
the daughter. It' s hard to set limits because we feel ugly to
put limits on someone we love so much, because putting limits is going to
cause discomfort. The point here is that we have to understand that educating involves
creating discomfort, and not because we are evil people who want to make our
children have a hard time, but because whenever they tell you something that does
not dose you some pleasant situation or they ask you to make an effort to
realize something that you are not born to do, because it does not give
you pleasure. That creates a sense of discomfort. And the truth is that
we love children so much that we do not want to produce in them that
feeling of discomfort, discomfort, anger, because we feel ugly. In fact,
I tell parents many times at conferences the subject is and I hope not
to sound cantinflesca. But when I put a stop to my son, I
feel a great discomfort in him, but his discomfort causes discomfort in me,
then I have to end up dealing with the discomfort in me of my son,
which I do not like to see, and with the discomfort that causes
me, the discomfort that was generated to my son, and feel that I
could have avoided that situation if I had not set the limit. It is
one of the great temptations by which it would seem that then, by my
decision, that circumstance occurred. So, I could have avoided it if I
didn' t put the limit on my son, I succeed in going through
that unpleasant, uncomfortable moment that in turn causes an uncomfortable discomfort to me.
Now let' s think and this is a comment that I make very often
also that when we' re dads, we have to wear glasses that are
bifocal, that is, I have to evaluate the immediate, which is what
I have to intervene in, either because I have to say yes to what
you' re asking me for or because I have to tell you already stop
what you' re doing or because I have to tell you that I didn
' t like that. Anyway, there is an immediate action that one would
sometimes ask good. And what' s wrong if I leave it for another
little while and what' s wrong if I give him the five minutes he
' s asking me for and what' s wrong with him if he'
s having fun at the party and then he' s behaving, so let
him stay another time. Not in that immediate response would be no, there
is nothing wrong with dali chanza. The thing is, I have to look
so good and that' s why they' re long- term bifocal lenses.
What do you learn from what I tell you today? I don'
t love you coming back from the party, but I' m being good.
I didn' t drink alcohol. This one' s super fun.
Why would I have to go back? Well, because we' re trying
to educate our children to learn that pleasure is dosed, that we don'
t always have to stay until the pleasure wears out, that there will always
and simply be another party and that he has a permit or had a two
- hour leave, three- hour leave to be at the meeting and the
leave is over. Therefore, you have to return and that control that leads
you to your will to have to tell me. I' d love to
stay, but I' m going back It' s strengthening your character to
face life. So sometimes the short- term medium gives a very different answer
than if I see what the long- term benefit is, and then I
have to say no there. So don' t become love, a pretext
for not educating. And so far our dear regina, welcome novelo. Thank
you very much. How are you? Everything in order, everything in order
and here ready with a very good question for you. More and more children,
teenage girls, are consuming pornography. Right. So the cause seems a
little obvious. Not Internet access. They bring him with them all day,
but what are the consequences so many and I' m just finishing a course
right now. Ay moy, no yes, yes, yes, this one
with an organization that is called turning it around very good. Or and the
consequences well, many I have seen in the office attending children who have been
exposed to this type of material. But uh the consequence can be divided depending
on the child' s life stage. What if we' re talking about
a boy girl is not before she reaches puberty, before she' s a
teenager, because what happens is that she' s going to create an image
that' s not the real one, because obviously, what she shows us
isn' t pornography, it' s not what happens in real life.
No, uh, you see a lot for example, relationships between adults and
minors, relationships between relatives. And all this, the kid' s normalizing
it, they' re normalizing it. There is a hypersexualization and it can
reach the performance, that is, start having sexual behaviors with other children,
advance their entire process of the entry of desire and begin to act very small.
It is not surprising the cases that suddenly arrive where even ten- year
- olds, eleven years old, have attempted penetration. Not when we are
already talking about a teenager who has a higher consumption and who, moreover,
falls into a double pleasure. Not because it is the pleasure and excitement of
seeing more accompanied with an autorotism or masturbation. And all that' s called
dopamine' s reward is altered and much of what happens is that after,
when you' re in real life with a couple, it' s not
enough, because your brain is used to a much bigger stimulus than a couple
in real life can give you. So what generates, because sometimes they can
' t have an erection, they can' t have a sexual relationship as
such that they no longer satisfy the real couple or need to see something before
they can already try with the person and be with the person. The consequences
are equal for men and women. No, apparently not, and the reason
is this for statistics. It does not mean that all cases are the same,
but by statistics, women generally see pornography much less violent. They stay
in a type of pornography and up there and, instead, man usually normalizes
what he sees climbing, making tolerance, that no longer generates an excitement what
he is seeing and that he needs to see ever stronger, more aggressive,
more rough content. Exactly how interesting this is. I think at some point
we' re going to need to talk about you talking about hypersexualization and I
think it' s a word you need to understand that one day we dedicate
it clearly that it' s a program you' ll already tell me a
full program or if or if a segment of Tuesdays. Thank you, Regina,
we' ll see the opposites. Greetings to all of you and I
have a message. Says I have a good afternoon. I have my 19
- year- old daughter, I had to get her out of high school
because she didn' t attend classes, because she owed a lot of subjects.
I ask her what happened to you, daughter. You weren' t
like that, you missed a very smart person, but nothing else. He
went into high school and changed. I don' t know if it'
s due, because she doesn' t understand the career and that engineering well.
She told her dad to study her, but she didn' t want
to. My wife is very angry. I always ask her, daughter,
what have you got. She tells me nothing and she cries I can'
t explain what my daughter has. I' ve wasted three years of his
life, it' s just so he' s finishing college. He had
to see a situation. I don' t know, that we had with
her sister my husband, she was a disabled but sick person, and we
had to take her to live with us and my husband put a lot of
pressure on her to be okay. At the end of the day, my
sister- in- law passed away. I want to see how I can
help her so she doesn' t lose any more years with that attitude.
I mean, I think there' s a writing problem here, because you
' re telling me that your daughter is nineteen, but I actually think that
at the age of nineteen you had to get her out of high school,
because if not, then you wouldn' t be telling me right now that
she should already be finishing the race. There are important elements here. On
the one hand, you tell me about your husband' s character. I
don' t know what level of jinx, because many times there is this
description of the people of my mom or dad or my brother, my partner,
my friend. It is very angry or very angry, but it is
one thing that someone has a character, because it is not easy. And
another thing is that the anger comes to violent situations and creates an unfortunate climate
inside a house. Yeah, that on the one hand, on the other
hand, well, they did experience a complicated situation having this aunt of your
daughter at home with the disability until she ended up dying. And well,
the situation is complex. I don' t know what degree of disability your
sister- in- law had and I don' t know how far he
was, he demanded your daughter to engage with heavy things about the disability that
your sister- in- law had, and that it would be debilitating in
her spirits. Sometimes it' s worth parenting. What do I mean by
this to make an appointment with a psychiatrist and tell him my love I'
m going to take you to talk to this person, because, without a
doubt, all these changes that you relate here in your mail in your message
clearly mark a before and after in your daughter' s life. And that
process may not talk to you, as a specialist is more able to do
a review of what' s going on with your daughter, where and how
things could be handled. And sometimes we just have to tell her like she
' s sick in the stomach and whether she' s dating the doctor and
we' re going to go the same way, firmly, with determination,
with a clear explanation, it' s looting a date with a psychiatrist.
And we' re gonna go because we have to appreciate what' s going
on with you beyond what you lost in years past that you' re not
at the moment you' d think it would be finishing your career. I
think it' s how she is, because once we can help someone be
okay, if they' re okay, lonely people start looking for what they
' re going to do. They find motivation for life, they want to
see what a career. Anyway, they make a scheme. Over there.
So, here the point is not that he gets into studying and studying a
career, that he does the I don' t know what thread. It
' s not that she' s okay, because from there, that'
s the source for her to be motivated to do things in life. To
this, besides, we add the one you say her dad made her enter
the engineering career and she doesn' t like it good. I think you
do have to go out there in defense of your daughter because you already have
to study what she likes, not what we think is best, given her
potential or given what we think is the only thing we' re willing to
spend for. Then abused. There and I have a 16- year-
old girl, she hasn' t had her period. Actually, I don
' t know what to do or where to go so they can help me.
I' d like to see if you can guide me. Thank you,
no doubt and where you have to go is a gynecologist. That is
what needs to be done when it comes to what is happening in the female
reproductive system. Now trusting in your responsibility so that, in any case,
you will come out of doubt, out of the particular situation of your daughters.
S s. S. S. I' m going to count a
confidence here. I menstruated too late was very thin. Well, I'
m still thin, but not like I was back then and they took me
to the gynecologist to find out what was going on. And it turned out
that the gynaecologist, after making an appropriate assessment to see why this could be
due, discovered that everything was in perfect condition, but that, as it
was so thin, it was not yet able to generate an appropriate production of
everything necessary for menstruation. So we had patience and finally close to seventeen maybe
it was when I ended up menstruating and still there I didn' t menstruate
regularly because again I couldn' t mature my eggs to be able to generate
the whole menstruation process and then I had very long delays and we said well,
what happens here. Nothing else was going on, they gave me a
treatment, they regularized me. This I' m telling you not to say
ah. Okay, so I don' t worry, because in each case
the explanation may be different, but, although it' s out of range
with the average, it' s not necessarily something that has a bad explanation.
However, it is necessary to look for a gynecologist or gynecologist. You
can take it with yours to check, see that everything is in order and
nothing else to clarify. The review is not the review that an adult woman
is used to, okay, when they have not had sex. The review
is of another type and intrusive. So it' s okay. That'
s why you' re not going to stop taking her, because how they
' re going to check her out without my daughter isn' t going.
There are reviews out there that are done in another way to check that the
whole process is being done in the right way and you find the explanation for
your daughter, Hi Chayo. I would like to ask how it affects men
and especially the eighteen- year- olds, the break- up of a
relationship. I have an eighteen- year- old son who' s going
through that and I want to give him my support. Sometimes the approach,
because it does occur when someone ends a relationship or when some anger presents itself.
But when they do reconcile, it is no longer the same. This
gives me because during two different interventions. In one I talked about the breakdown
in relationships and in the other, this question that I asked them in networks
more than this question, I made the comment that you can' t always
talk to the person with whom we had a problem. And so, then,
the only thing is that you have to keep being nice, not and
that' s always going to be a door that' s going to help.
If I combine these two things, no doubt to see is not a
subject, in my opinion, of men and women. It is a topic
of how important and meaningful the bond was with the person with whom the relationship
is broken and, on the other hand, what kind of personality each member
of that relationship has. There are people who have a much more expressive personality
and then touch a lot with their emotions, cry a lot, feel bad.
They talk about it all the time. There are people who tend to
be more private, who tend to be more hermetic, who in appearance,
are more controlled, controlled And then, because you don' t see much
and you would seem or draw conclusions about how this affects them. The reality
is that whenever there is a break up and we are the dad or the
mom are affected or the affectation is not noticed. It' s important to
make this connection with them and tell them if you want to talk, if
you want to comment on what happened here I' m here for you.
Remember that processes take a while and that if this relationship was important to you,
you' re probably going through complicated moments and here I am there are
those who need to talk about it at first. There are those who rather
spend a time and after a time it is when they can put it into
words, because I insist more than a genre theme depends on a personality style
and in that process, in personality styles, we will really see different things,
we will realize different things depending on how they are living it. There
are children that sometimes dads tell me is that my son was not noticed anything.
Or my daughter didn' t notice anything. And it turns out that
eight or ten months later Mom told me, I want help, because I
couldn' t get through the breakup. There are others who might have gone
through the breakup and nothing happened here. The pachanga follows the exit, they
still use this idea of a nail a lot and it turns out that,
since one would say or would be quieter, because well, it seems that
it did not hit him. No. There' s even a worry sometimes.
On the contrary, you lasted a certain time in a relationship in which
everything seemed to work very well, that you looked happy, happy and suddenly
you end up and here you pretend that nothing happens and you start dating other
people and dads say no to see I don' t like this frivolity that
I' m seeing my son or my daughter in front of the breakup of
this relationship. Then it' s also worth talking and saying don' t
go so fast, that is, put him down, put him down a
little bit, because you have to wait for it to be prepared and processed.
What happened now is also true and this is giving rise to comment.
There are duels that were made within the relationship. This means the person ended
the relationship when he had finished disappointing the situation and, therefore, when he
ends, because he is already ready for life and the other member of the
relationship, maybe he says no, but how did this end. But if
the relationship worked wonderfully, but yes and the process of grieving the separation just
begins. But sometimes and there it already depends on each family and each of
the values of each one, because out of respect for the other person and,
above all, if the relationship was important and significant, it would be
worth giving a space of time. No, so the relationship was worth it,
no, but again there are countless stories in these kinds of situations.
If you ended a relationship, what your story was and what your process was.
And, well, this brings us to the end of the program.
It' s time to say until tomorrow we meet you know at one o
' clock in the afternoon chochayo looking for you. This was chayo with you
that they arrive well to their destination if they are on their way And good
profit for those who are eating until tomorrow. Audio Centre