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You're listening to KFI AM six forty
on demand AFI AM six forty. You

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have dr Andy Welch with you.
This is the Doctor Andy Walsh Show.

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If you're new to my show.
I have a PhD in clinical psychology.

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I'm not a therapist. I am
a psychology professor. Students, if you're

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listening, we have class bright and
early tomorrow morning, cal State, Channel

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Islands. And I am obsessed with
the science of love, and I am

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in love. I have a wonderful, wonderful man. Now. I was

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talking to somebody recently and I was
saying, you know, I have spent

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thirty or forty years doing nothing but
reading every research study that I can get

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my hands on out of any university
on the subject of interpersonal relationships, whether

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it is how we communicate, or
how we manage conflict, or what happens

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over the course of a long relationship, or what happens to people's sexual relationship.

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Because we teach best what we most
need to learn. And people used

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to say to me, you know, uh, people are calling you doctor

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Wendy, America's relationship expert, but
you don't have a boyfriend. Well.

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I was a single mother for eighteen
years. I put my kids first.

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I'll say that I've had lots of
boyfriends in my life. I've had a

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husband, I've had other people's husbands. I have had everything, trying to

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figure things out, trying to live. Kayla, don't look at me like

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that, Producer, Kayla. I
learned so much from you because of all

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the life you live, Doctor Wendy, I could never judge you. Know

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what I always say, if you
needed to lose thirty pounds, do you

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want the skinny Barbie Doll, naturally
skinny girl to be your trainer or do

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you want Oprah to be your trainer? Oprah someone who's taken it off and

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learned, gained it back, and
has the skills to learn again. So

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I feel that, over the course
of writing three books and a dissertation on

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relationship skills, that I have sort
of ingested them myself, and now that

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I'm in a secure, loving,
healthy relationship for the last three and a

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half years, I feel like,
Wow, what else do I need to

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learn? Well, I'll tell you
because tonight we are going to talk about

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the marriage satisfaction scale. We're not
married, but you know you might be

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something that therapists use to determine how
healthy your marriage is, and then I

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want to talk about what therapists call
the six stages of marriage. You might

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be in one of those stages,
hopefully not one of the bad ones,

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and I've got some tips for how
to nurture your marriage. But if you're

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single, don't go away. I've
got all kinds of things for you too.

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Maybe you're dating people who are cloud
lighting you, rushing to put you

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on social media too early, and
also a dating app that's out there creating

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friendships just in time for the holidays
instead of just about love relationships. Okay,

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so before we get going, Kayla, I know you were upset earlier,

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so as I so is everybody I
was. I was more upset last

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week about Susanne So losing Suzanne Summers
as like someone I sort of grew up

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with in the TV set and I'd
met her a few times. She's a

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lovely, lovely person. And then
today Matthew Perry. Celebrity deaths don't typically

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impact me. I've lost too many
people that I really know, but I

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think Matthew Perry is probably the first
celebrity death that like, I've been crying

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and what was your connection to him. Friends is my comfort show. It's

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what I watched whenever I'm having a
hard time in life. I've been friends

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and then I also have read his
book like three times, so I feel

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like I know him like and I
really care about him. And I was

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just really, I'm just so sad. So if you're just hearing it.

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Actor Matthew Perry found deceased in his
own hot tub. We know he had

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a history of drug and alcohol use, but there's no evidence that he was

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using. In fact, he it
was in recovery, right, Yeah,

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he said he was clean, and
I know they confirmed that there were no

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drugs found on the scene. They
released the nine on one call where they

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said drowning a couple of times.
And so I think that we do know

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that his body took a beating over
the course of a few decades. I'd

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heard that he'd had twelve different acording
to The New York Times, stomach surgeries.

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Yeah, he wanted too graphic detail
about the damage that he's done to

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his body, been in a coma
in the past, he's been on life

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support. I mean, it's just
it's heartbreaking. Anyway, heart goes out

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to Matthew Perry's family and friends.
So of course, the first thing Julio

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goes is he had no wife,
right, I go, no, never

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married, had no kids? Right, no, no kids? Reported where's

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the money going. He's got quite
a fortune, and we're making a million

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dollars an episode near the end,
and the residu you're still getting paid,

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I think, because I know he
said that he didn't want to be known

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for friends. He wanted to be
known for helping people get clean and pouring

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back into that. So hopefully he
had a will that is sending it to

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a good cause. Yeah, exactly. We'll find out, and I'm sure

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it will be. Uh you heard
of this movie, Killers of the Flower

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Moon. No, it's a lot
of oscar buzz. Martin Scorsese's Okay,

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these movies are so long. Now, okay. Oppenheimer made My Butt Go

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Numb and now again three hours long
and a tragic story of the Osage people

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in Oklahoma, who were native people
who are very wealthy because they lived on

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an owned land that was full of
oil. And it's a tragic story about

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white ranchers marrying their daughters and slowly
killing them off in different ways so they

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could get the Land and about one
brave o sage woman all true story based

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on true story who goes to Washington, d C. To get help and

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get FBI investigators. Anyway, it's
hard to get through, not easy and

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fun like the Barbie movie. But
I think we should all right now.

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I do want to rant about the
Golden Bachelor because I'm so upset and I

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want the producers the Golden Bachelor to
hear me not only as someone who has

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a PhD in clinical psychology and knows
about dating, mating and relating, but

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a woman of a certain age that
would be me. Why are you putting

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all those women in miniskirts and shorts
all the time? Okay, what they

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have no vercos veins? Is that
what you're saying? Okay, that bothers

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me. It bothers me that you're
asked them. You're asking them to act

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like little high school schoolgirls, girls
gone wild, jumping all over this guy

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Gary right. And then I mean
these are smart, wise women of a

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certain age. You have April this
well, during the pickleball tournament, do

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a fake role of her ankle to
be the to pretend to be the damsel.

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And I mean the gender roles are
so bad, and then we're supposed

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to feel sorry for Sandra who's there
and crying because she's missing her own daughter's

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wedding that day sign up exactly.
And then he felt sorry for her and

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she got a rose for that.
I'm like, really, like, this

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TV show is more important than your
daughter's wedding. And then they do it,

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I'm sure fake staged fight between Kathy
and Teresa Caddie girl fight, and

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then Gary comes in and meets each
with each of them separately. It acts

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fake disappointed. I just but the
worst it is the never have I ever

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gained. It underscores the sexual double
standard we're all supposed to now look down

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on certain women who've had more sexual
experience than others. And the one who

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won the date this week, you
know, she's on her own ATV,

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but she's talking about how scared she
is, so she has to get off

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hers and get on the back of
his so she can hold him, I

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know, and that one isn't a
bad move, and they end up in

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a hot tub together making out.
She's sixty four, he's seventy one.

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No no, no, no,
no no. I want to close by

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saying that this week I had a
conversation with a woman who is sixty five

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going through a divorce and entering the
dating scene, and she said to me,

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doctor Wendy, nothing works down there
anymore. Why would anybody want me?

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And I said, it's not about
that. Peers are attracted to peers

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across the lifespan, and it's for
companionship, it's for affection, it's for

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exchange of care. Don't think that
you're washed up and used up because at

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the age of fifty fifty percent of
men have erect dysfunction, at the age

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of sixty sixty percent at the age
of seventy seventy percent, so they've got

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their own insecurities. Yeah, they
may have more medical interventions than us.

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But seriously, if you think you're
dating you're a woman of a certain age

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and it's all about the sex,
you are so wrong. And that's what

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the producers of The Bachelor have wrong. It's about, you know, survivorship

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that we've all survived, we've gotten
through stuff, we have wisdom, we're

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smart, we have a lot to
share and care to exchange. So I'm

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it's breaking my heart, is what
I'm saying. All Right, when we

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come back, if you had to
take the marriage satisfaction scale. How do

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you think your marriage would score?
I'll tell you when we come back.

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You're listening to The Doctor Wendy Wall
Show on KFI AM six forty We Love

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Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're
listening to KFI AM six forty on demand

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AFI AM six forty. You have
Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is

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the Doctor Wendy Wall Show. What
do you mean if your love doesn't change?

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Love change. It's meant to go
through phases and stages. By the

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way, producer Kayla, just to
let you know, I'm gonna do my

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best to hit that's a cough button
right there. Right something's blowing like Santa

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Anna's what's blowing because I'm allergic.
I've been sneezing and I do not have

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pretty sneezes. Just you heard something
about fire season approaching. But I don't

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know if anything's in the air just
yet, Doctor Wendy. I just think

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that these winds I've picked up every
kind of dust all going up your nostrils.

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Yes, And I don't sneeze pretty. I sneeze with a big screech,

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A big screech. Please cough button. Uh, anyway back to love

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that changes and phases and stages.
Look, I'm not gonna lie to you.

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Long term monogamy is hard. It's
not you See, you get sucked

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into long term monogamy by the early
stages of love, when your brain gets

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this cocktail of neurochemicals that we love
to call lust, and the person can

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do no wrong, and you're so
excited. And so the reason why people

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rush to the altar. I actually
know a couple that met ran off and

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got married, you know, within
a few months, because they want to

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bottle up that feeling. They want
to preserve it like a jar of pickles,

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like we are just going to stay
this way. But it doesn't work

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like that. People continue to grow. People are individuals, and relationships themselves

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grow in reaction to individuals changes.
Believe me, if you had a totally

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enmeshed relationship which is not healthy,
where nobody can remember whose problem is whose,

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then you don't grow as an individual, right, It's not good for

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your health. Change is good.
That would be great if both of you

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evolve together at the same time.
But I'll tell you that there will be

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times in your long term marriage or
living together relationship where you feel like you're

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going to completely directions. So therapists
like to use something called the marriage satisfaction

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scale. It's a handy dandy little
test often given in couples therapy to help

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a therapist determine, all right,
how satisfied are they with this marriage?

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How much work do we have to
do here in this couple's therapy. So

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it's well respected, this little handy
dandy test. It's out there in the

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public domain, So why don't I
just tell it to you right now.

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Basically, they ask people to think
about how much you agree or disagree with

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each statement to see which areas of
care your relationship might need. Cayle,

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are you in a relationship right now? Nope? Okay, so you can't

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think about your current relationship. Why
don't you think about a relationship that did

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not work out, and then we
can prove that if the score is low,

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that it would not work out.
Okay, and I'll think about my

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current relationship. Okay, Okay,
So you have to think about how much

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you agree or disagree with each statement. Number one, my partner and I

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understand each other perfectly. Scale a
one to ten. Your old relationship one,

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Oh, I'm going with an eight
for Julio and I. That's good.

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We almost finish each other's sentences.
It's only three and a half years

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into it. Wait, okay,
number two, I am pleased with the

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personality, characteristics, and habits of
my partner. You're shaking your head already.

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Yeah no, I mean, if
I'm thinking of the act No.

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One to ten, it's one.
You have the lowest score. All right,

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I would say, I love Okay. So here's what I do love

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about Julio. He's very fun and
he laughs a lot. But he does

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fake grumpy all the time, which
is funny. But every once in a

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while it starts to feel real and
I'm like, oh, is he really

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grumpy? I can't figure it out
which way is going. But his habits

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are brilliant. He's very clean,
tidy, constantly doing dishes, fold and

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laundry. That's all good, okay. Statement number three, I am happy

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with how we handle role responsibilities in
our relationship. I guess gender roles,

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who's doing housework, who's working,
who's doing what? Okay, I would

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give that one of four. Okay, I'm very happy with our role responsibiliens

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because yeah, ten, Because again
I like to cook. He likes to

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clean up afterwards. I get to
sit there with my glass of wine.

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I walk into the living room and
I watch my show and I listen to

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my man do the dishes. I've
never had a relationship like that. Usually

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I'm like cooking and cleaning and doing
everything because I'm just giving all that care.

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So it's great, all right.
Number four, My partner understands and

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sympathizes with my every mood. There's
no woman that's going to give a man

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a ten on that really you No, I was really understanding. He's a

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dude. He's still a dude.
He tries to intellectual and rationalize, and

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he's like shocked when I try to
explain the feelings behind things, and he's

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like, I've never thought of it
that way. Like they just they're missing

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in there from party ship. They
are all right. Number five. I'm

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happy about our communication and feel my
partner understands me. Yeah, we're at

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ten. Six. Our relationship is
a success. Yes, it is seven.

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I'm happy with how we make decisions
and resolve conflicts. Yes, because

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you know what we do. No, honey, you go first. No,

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No, whatever you want to do, No, whatever you want to

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do we keep doing that until somebody
takes over, which is usually me.

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My needs are being met in my
relationship. Uh yeah, yeah, absolutely,

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I think he would. I feel
like he would put a low number

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on me for that. Uh here's
another one. I'm happy with how we

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manage our leisure activities and how we
spend time together. If I told you

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our favorite thing to do together,
you would think we're the most boring couple

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in the world. You guys are
always hiking, hiking, we do a

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lot together and doing picnics. But
we run errands together. I just love

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to run errands. Yea, he
could go his way to run errands and

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I could go my way, but
it's more fun to do together. Okay,

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yeah, I that is pretty more. Yeah. I am pleased with

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how we express affection and relate sexually. Oh yeah, because we're cudlers.

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We're cuddlers all night long. I
am. I am satisfied the way with

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what with the way we handle our
responsibility as parents. We don't have kids

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and we don't have dogs. Yay, we're fine. We're free. It's

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so easy. I have never regretted
my relationship with my partner, not even

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for a moment. No, I
don't think I have come to think of

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it. No good there. I
am satisfied with our relationship with my parents,

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in laws and friends, well except
for his parents are alive, my

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parents are not. And we do
like each other's friends. All good there,

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fine, and last but not least, I feel good about how we

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practice our religious beliefs and values.
Yeah, we're both godless people, I

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guess, so can we match?
What can I say? We have a

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relationship? But literally, therapists often
give this little scale and they ask people

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how much do you create? How
much you disagree, and then they're able

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to figure out like, oh,
this is the area we need to work

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on. So when we come back, let's talk about the six stages of

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marital evolution and how you can learn
to nurture your marriage. If I said

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something before that the little made you
think your relationship is vulnerable, I've got

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some news for you. You're listening
to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI

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00:16:27.720 --> 00:16:32.919
AM six forty. We're live everywhere
on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to

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KFI AM six forty on demand AFI
AM six forty. You have doctor Wendy

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Walsh with you. This is the
Dr Wendy Waalsh Show. Marriage is tough.

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All relationships are tough. Because I
like to think of relationships as a

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gymnasium for our minds. Right,
there are a lot of people who say,

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oh, I've had such bad luck
in love that I am just going

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to, you know, just take
some time off for me. I'm going

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to practice some self care. I'm
going to be abstinate, I'm not going

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to date. This is my time. Well, people think that somehow that

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is helping them grow, but it
never does. All they're doing is avoiding.

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You See, you can't learn relationship
skills unless you have a sparring partner.

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Unless you have you can't go to
the gym and say, you know,

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I'm just going to sit and manifest
muscles today. You need to push

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on some kind of resistance to make
it happen. Right, So we learn

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relationship skills in our relationships, and
sometimes if you've been in a relationship for

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a long time, the big skill
you learn is, oh, this is

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toxic. It's time to leave.
That's how to leave might be the skill

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that you need to learn. Right. But so relationships are supposed to be

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a little tough. But I also
remind you that the purpose of a love

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relationship is it is an exchange of
care. We are meant to care for

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each other in our most intimate relationships. In fact, people in strong secure

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bonds tend to live longer, have
better mental and physical health along the way.

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However, within the course of long
term monogamy, there are going to

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be, as I mentioned before,
phases and stages, And according to therapists,

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there are six specific stages that many
marriages, not all, will go

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through. We know about the first
one. I call that the meet and

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greet. That's the loving relationship at
the very beginning, right where you just

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are ecstatic to do nothing but create
joy for the other person, to extend

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that care. Oh honey, I'll
do it. Let me pick up your

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dry cleaning, Oh of course,
let me cook for you tonight, let

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me do what something right? Right? Right? So there is a expectation

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that both people's needs will be taken
care of and that kindness will be reciprocated.

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Now, if you're in the very
early stage of dating somebody and you

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don't have this experience at the very
beginning, get out now, like it's

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not going to get better at the
beginning of a dating relationship. That's somebody's

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Academy Award winning performance of who they
wish they were. So if it doesn't

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start out with a bang as being
feeling so perfect, then move on.

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Don't like hope to change the person
because the next stage is the honeymoon hangover.

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Uh huh. That's where you actually
start to notice that you're with a

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human being, not this perfect,
magical person that you manifested, but a

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human being. So this human being
is going to see what do we do

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in our relationships. We want to
keep our relationship right because it's good.

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They're good, they're nice, it's
great. Life is easy when you only

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have to do half the work make
half the money, it's great. But

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you also want to do things for
you and you don't want to have to

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give too much to them. So
it's balancing your own personal needs against the

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needs of relationship maintenance. And there's
gonna be times where you're like, wait,

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they let me down. They didn't
do that this time, right,

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So this stage, the honeymoon hangover, is where you have to learn how

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to manage disappointment and be realistic.
Now, too many people in the early

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stages of relationships when this happens,
they walk out because they're like, I

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haven't invested that much, haven't spent
too much time, I haven't spent too

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much money. I can get out. Lots of people in situationships that never

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develop into a close, committed love
bond. As soon as the human being

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rears their head and they see,
oh my god, this isn't like a

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knight in shining armor, it's a
human being, then they just leave right

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now. If they stay, therapists
would say that in some marital relationships,

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they move into a very angry stage. I call it the retribution stage.

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And this is where there's kind of
a struggle. I'm not going to do

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that. If I don't pick it
up, maybe he'll pick it up.

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No, I don't know he did
that to me, so I'm going to

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do that to them. It's like
retaliation. Right There are lots of surface

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arguments. You might be arguing about
money. You might be arguing about sex.

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You may never have sex anymore.
You might argue about time you're working

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all the time. I never get
to spend ay more time with you.

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Right now, this is a vulnerable
The retribution stage is a very vulnerable stage

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of your relationship because if one of
you is particularly selfish, you might go

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out and have an affair, right, So you have to be careful in

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this stage. Now, some people
pass through the stage and decide, you

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know what, this relationship is actually
fine. The kids are going toy taken

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care of, the bills are getting
paid. My parents like them. The

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parents are involved. It's a bridge
between tribes. I'm not gonna do anything

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romance for this person anymore, and
we're not gonna have sex very often.

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But it's a it's a business that's
working, right. I was talking to

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a friend of mine recently, and
she said she was talking to this guy,

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and even though he'd been married a
long time, he just kept talking

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about all these she works with him, all these other women at work that

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he thought were hot, and this
and that and and and she realized,

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like, his wife is not his
romantic partner in his mind. Not She

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wasn't sure. She didn't think he
actually has affairs, but he just sort

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of lusts after all these other women
and imagines them as his romantic piece.

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You know. The French, by
the way, do this all the time.

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Historically, the who you married,
because it was often for economic reasons,

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wasn't for who you who you were
romantic involved with. I mean you

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always had a power more a lover
on the side, right, Yeah,

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and it was very accepted in French
society. Anyway, Being in a committed

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relationship without caring for the person can
lead to divorce, especially if you're dismissive

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and they have issues that you are
not listening to. You know, if

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you dismiss somebody, that person being
dismissed will eventually find somebody to listen to

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them, and that'll be a lover
or a lawyer. Now, at a

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certain point, people start to realize
whoa that person's actually and hopefully you're in

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therapy and you figured this out.
That person's not responsible for my happiness.

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I'm responsible for my own happiness.
I'm also responsible for not ruining this relationship.

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So that may mean going, you
know what, here's something I always

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wanted to do in life, whether
it's a hobby, a trip, a

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job that you wanted. It's where
people start to grow as individuals and still

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nurture their relationship. And this is
the healthy part of a good relation,

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good long term relationship where each partner
is allowed to grow, but you don't

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grow to the point that you're threatening
the relationship. So let's say somebody wants

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to take up rock climbing or something. They're not going to go away for

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four months. They're going to take
weekends from time to time. They're also

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going to make sure they take other
vacations with their spouse. They're going to

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do both because eventually they're going to
grow as a couple. And when I

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come back, I want to talk
about ways that you can grow as a

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couple, how you can nurture your
marriage. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy

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Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

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You're listening to KFI AM six forty
on demand k I Am six forty.

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You have doctor Wendy Waalsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls

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Show. You know what, if
you're in a relationship and you don't feel

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happy right now, I want you
to know that things can change, but

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they won't change you just let the
status quo go. People often say to

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me, well, Doctor Wendy,
I want to go to therapy. I

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want to go to couple's therapy.
But my husband or my wife or my

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partner, whatever, they won't go
and they don't want to fix anything.

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Then I tell you to go alone. Because a relationship is a living thing.

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Picture it a machine with all kinds
of cogs connected to each other.

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As one thing moves, it triggers
another thing to move. So you can

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actually change your relationship by changing your
reaction to your partner. And also remember

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that happiness is an inside job.
Relationships don't make you happy. Happy people

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have happy relationships. Funny how that
goes, right? And so I want

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you to know that if you're going
through a time and there are times in

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relationships that are just really stressful.
Might be financial problems, it might be

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the burden of raising small children,
let me tell you, because not for

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the faint a heart. It might
be that someone is undergoing health problems.

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Right, it's you know, we
were there, You're there for that person.

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It's not always going to be this
way. Now. I want to

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put a little pin in that and
then come on over here and say,

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however, if it's always been this
way, then you need to ask yourself

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if this is the relationship for you. I want to remind you that when

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till Death Do Us Part was invented, death was pretty imminent. Even the

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most monogamous of humans, because of
our extra long life expectancies, can expect

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two or even three long stints of
monogamy and some mate selection in between dating.

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Right, And so, I know
it's sad when a relationship is coming

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to an end, but it is
part of the course of living. Right

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now, I wouldn't suggest ending a
relationship until you've done the correct behaviors to

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nurture a relationship. Then, here's
why divorce doesn't teach you how to find

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a better mate. Divorce doesn't teach
you how to be a better mate.

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Divorce teaches you that you can survive
divorce. And that's why second marriages haven't

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00:27:26.759 --> 00:27:30.400
even higher divorce rate, and third
marriages and even higher divorce rate. Right.

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So, I want you to look
to the science and the research that

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I'm about to explain to you and
take the time to try to nurture your

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marriage before you jump ship, because
you owe it to yourself. Right.

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So, there's research to show that
long term committed people often engage in a

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whole bunch of behaviors that are designed
to sustain or nourish the relationship. And

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these behaviors in particular are designed to
do a couple things create higher levels of

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commitment and create better mental health for
each other, better physical health for each

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other. So I read this new
study today from out of the University of

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00:28:11.200 --> 00:28:17.039
Illinois, and what it looked at
was how certain kinds of they called the

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researchers call it relationship maintenance behaviors,
interact with each other to create more satisfaction

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and more commitment in the relationship.
Okay, so here are the five main

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relationship behaviors, the relationship maintenance behaviors
that the researcher studied. Are you doing

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these? Positivity? Are you a
positive person? You know I always say

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water what you want to grow,
not the weeds. If you're a negative

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00:28:41.839 --> 00:28:45.200
person, who wants to be with
you? Sorry? But if you can't

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find positivity in the person you're with
in the relationship, in the day,

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in the sunshine and the weather,
then who wants to be around you?

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Positivity just being a positive person has
been shown to be a good good relationship

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00:29:00.000 --> 00:29:06.359
maintenance behavior. Openness. Okay,
I have to say because I'm so open,

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I mean, I wear my colors
on my sleeve. Nobody can gossip

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00:29:08.640 --> 00:29:12.000
about me. They can't say any
there's no dirt on me out there.

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You know why because I've told everybody
first, right, I am probably the

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00:29:17.119 --> 00:29:19.359
poster child for open. If you're
in a relationship, this is not the

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00:29:19.359 --> 00:29:23.759
place to hold secrets. This is
not the place to be mysterious. This

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00:29:23.920 --> 00:29:30.599
is the place to be honest and
vulnerable and open, because then the person's

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00:29:30.599 --> 00:29:33.680
not going to leave you because they
see you as a vulnerable human being,

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00:29:33.480 --> 00:29:38.279
not as somebody who's you know,
just has this suit of armor over them.

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Right. Assurances. I say this
a lot. Catch your partner being

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00:29:45.960 --> 00:29:51.519
good, and when your partner is
feeling insecure, don't say things like you

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should know, you should know you
look good, you should know that I

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00:29:55.720 --> 00:29:59.400
love you. Look I married you, didn't I? Of course I love

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00:29:59.440 --> 00:30:03.640
you. Nobody wants to hear that. What we want to hear is,

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00:30:03.359 --> 00:30:07.680
oh, maybe you feel a little
insecure. Am I forgetting to tell you

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00:30:07.759 --> 00:30:11.200
how special you are? I love
you so much. That's what you need

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00:30:11.240 --> 00:30:17.400
to be saying. Have How often
have you come home from work and said

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00:30:17.440 --> 00:30:19.720
to your partner? Have I told
you how much I loved you today?

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00:30:21.880 --> 00:30:26.359
How often you do that? That's
assurances. Now here's another one. The

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00:30:26.400 --> 00:30:30.319
researcher studied as a relationship maintenance behavior
the use of social networks. Now I'm

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00:30:30.319 --> 00:30:36.480
not talking about social media. I'm
talking about if one person has the burden

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00:30:37.119 --> 00:30:41.119
of holding the brain trust of social
connections. You know why people with big

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00:30:41.160 --> 00:30:48.119
social connections, actually big social worlds, actually live longer in better health because

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00:30:48.160 --> 00:30:51.359
they know doctors no literally, or
they have a friend who knows a doctor

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00:30:51.640 --> 00:30:53.559
I'm not joking, or a lawyer
when they need one. Right. So,

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00:30:53.799 --> 00:30:59.359
no, you have resources available to
you when your social networks are big.

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00:30:59.519 --> 00:31:03.000
Now, if only one of you
has this social network to rely on

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00:31:03.039 --> 00:31:06.519
and the other one has none,
then that's going to be a problem in

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00:31:06.559 --> 00:31:11.519
your relationship. And then lastly,
they looked at sharing tasks and here's the

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00:31:11.519 --> 00:31:18.200
big news. The more relationship maintenance
behaviors that couples performed, it did not

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00:31:18.400 --> 00:31:22.160
increase commitment. Hey wait, calm
down, don't freak out, because it

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00:31:22.200 --> 00:31:26.440
was more complex than that. What
they found is that the more relationship behaviors,

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00:31:26.759 --> 00:31:32.920
the more relationship satisfaction increased. And
when you have high satisfaction, you

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00:31:33.079 --> 00:31:38.880
value your partner, You're more likely
to stay committed. So look in relationships,

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00:31:38.880 --> 00:31:45.519
when the chips are down, people
get more committed to a partner who's

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00:31:45.559 --> 00:31:52.279
strong a partner they value. If
a stressor comes to your relationship, if

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00:31:52.319 --> 00:31:57.880
you're less satisfied with your relationship anyway, that stressful situation will just knock you

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00:31:57.920 --> 00:32:05.279
out, be like, we're not
happening. So I want to remind you

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00:32:06.440 --> 00:32:09.480
that if you want to keep your
relationship healthy, you want to stay positive,

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00:32:10.640 --> 00:32:15.880
you want to stay open, honest, don't be stingy with the assurances.

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00:32:16.519 --> 00:32:22.279
Letting your partner know you're there for
them. Share your social networks,

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00:32:22.319 --> 00:32:24.200
and if you don't have much of
a social network, start making some friends

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00:32:24.240 --> 00:32:28.119
to bring into the relationship. I
don't mean friends that are going to threaten

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00:32:28.200 --> 00:32:34.960
the relationship, I mean extra social
resources. And share those household tasks.

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00:32:35.000 --> 00:32:38.720
You know, there's so much research
to show that women working, women who

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00:32:38.759 --> 00:32:44.920
still do the bulk of domestic work
within the house are going to get upset

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00:32:45.160 --> 00:32:50.000
and leave. Dudes, she's going
to leave, all right, She's tired

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00:32:50.279 --> 00:32:52.279
at the end of the day,
and then she comes home to a messy

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00:32:52.319 --> 00:32:57.599
house and kids and everything else,
and she's expected to do it all.

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00:32:57.640 --> 00:33:00.319
If that's still happening in your what
are you in the nineteen fifties? If

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00:33:00.359 --> 00:33:08.119
that's still happening in your relationship.
You're vulnerable to divorce. I promise you

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00:33:08.119 --> 00:33:13.599
you can make your relationship better.
Be positive, be open, be free

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00:33:13.599 --> 00:33:17.599
flowing with that love, and share
those dometry responsibilities a little bit more.

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00:33:17.680 --> 00:33:22.640
All right, When we come back, there's a new trend, especially among

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00:33:22.720 --> 00:33:29.839
young couples, called clout lighting.
It's like gas lighting, but it involves

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00:33:29.880 --> 00:33:32.599
Instagram. I'll explain when we come
back. You are listening to the Doctor

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00:33:32.599 --> 00:33:37.680
Wendy Walls Show a KFI AM six
forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio

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00:33:37.680 --> 00:33:39.920
app KFI AM six forty on demand