Previously on Quest for Competence In jail again, I'm inspecting the lock. I've
got essential oils to repel the things crawling around. Guards. Come here,
Come here, so that Moog may strangle you and then copulate with your corpse.
First, I need all of you to take a step back. You're
very strange elapsed sighting we had of the gem, or anyone with knowledge of
the gem was in the town of Anduran. We should probably go get a
gem because otherwise we're going to be stuck together for a long time. And
do you really want to be around if I start getting angry. Hello,
I'm Judy black and I play Gigi the Nickel Mount Sale on a Quest for
Competence. I am also a writer, primarily of dungeons and dragon stuff.
Right now, my latest module is Short and Sweet, which is a CUTI
petuity little module that is meant to kind of gently ease people into Dungeons and
Dragons, teaching them the mechanics through silly and punny festival games before you're attacked
by a lava cake. You can find it on DM skilled and I am
pretty much Judy black Cloud everywhere, and I've recently started doing TikTok of D
and D tips and things, so you can find me on the clock app
now. Hi, I am the one, the only, the currently invisible
r e Car, author of such urban fantasy work as the Rules on Dying
series, the Accidental Summoner series. Oh and I write that false Icon series
with some dude named Rick wald Terry, whoever he might be. Our latest
release, Deviant Dark Dryads, is out now. When I am not doing
that, you can find me on all the socials as Total Recar. Or
I'll be pimping the new anthology I'm in which is being kickstarted right now and
it's called Nevermore and if you back it you'll get to see me write a
cyberpunk story based on an Edgar Allan Poe story. Hi. I'm Teresa,
and I am the author of the Caitlin Kelly Monster Hunter series and also an
editor with Falstaff Books. And in this game, I play Trent Karen Weintangler,
who is probably going to get you in an MLM before we're done.
I'm just saying. Could be crystals, might be Lulu Limit, or the
legging thing might be Essential Oils. Who knows, we'll find out. Hey,
everyone, my name is Rick Qualtiri, and I play face Eater.
However, I am sick tonight, so if I drop out of doing my
Moog voice, it has nothing to do with not wanting to play the character
and more to do with me not wanting to choke the death of my own
blood in real life. Let's be honest, how many people write books underneame
Rick Qualtiri. If you find that name, chances are it's mine. Hey,
y'all, I'm Misty Massey. I'm the author of the Madchestral series of
pirate fantasy adventures, and I am an editor for Falstaff Books, Mocham Memoirs
Press, Lord Seekers Press, and if any other small presses want me to
work for them, come talk to me for our purposes. Tonight, I'll
be playing and we're Crow, the silky, seductive, slick smooth. The
food just wants whatever's in your pocket. And I'm John Hartness. I am
the lead dog in the never Ever View Changing Sled Dog Race. I am
the dungeon master of this cavalcade of silliness, and I am leading these mary
idiots on a quest for competence. When last we left our intrepid goofballs,
they had been removed from where they were justifiably rotting in jail and given a
quest by Lord Aloysius Veronin of Alberic, and he has sent them off on
their merry way so that they can hunt things down and awaken his sleeping daughter
who might be dead. Who might be dead, but we will can put
before we serve. Don't try to eat her face right now? Move mean,
I mean theoretically we might all be dead, so you know, we
all could be animated by the freaky horned lady. All right, my headphones
right, I'll cleaned off my head. That was amazing. Yeah, and
if you're not watching on the YouTube's, you didn't get to see that,
So get on over there and see the ridiculousness that happens on video. Um.
Oh, it's kind of depressing that the cat's funnier than we are.
Cats are always funnier than we are, that's but if you'd like to join
us and see if we can be funnier than your average housecat, you should
head on over to Authors and Dragons dot com and order your tickets for Authors
and Dragons Con twenty twenty three August something through the thirteenth in Portland, Oregon,
and you can click that link and pick up your tickets and you can
come see us be incompetent live M. We will undoubtedly be incompetent M.
That might not be a selling point, but then I realized, no,
it's kind of our whole brand. So it's fine. Mayor Veronin has given
you, has given you horses, and he has sent you on your merry
way. And as you cruise along, you come to a road. The
road goes ever onward to the door where its go. Someone singing, please,
oh, is there a scroll? I can get to my therapist because
I'm starting to get hungry. All right, you are on the road.
It is dusk. You can't everyone, please roll me perception m oh moo,
rolls of four. Of course, we're doing real good today. I
rolled as zero. Would you get for commenting eleven? That's like my third
eleven in a row? Hey, but Hilda can see. Hilda rolls a
twenty five. Because druids are the only class, it doesn't make wisdom a
dump stat other than cleric's chin. Karen rolled the seventeen. Gigi and Hilda
and try and Karen can see that up ahead there's a tree across the road.
Okay, is there? So we're in New Jersey too, soon you're
in Rich's neighborhood. Yeah, there's a balld author sitting on the side of
the road, weeping copiously into his hands as you Oh wait, I'm not
the keep going. That's pretty good, all right? So there is a
tree? Is it a normal tree? Living tree? A tree that has
been felled by the evil humans and men? We must start the slaughter.
It's a giving tree. And are we still supposed to be on the same
map? How did did I not move y'all? No? No, yeah,
you've got to remember to move the player token too. That never a
tree. It's a tree, and y'all are way down at the bottom of
the map. Okay, yeah, there we are. Look you there,
Now that you can see yourselves, what would you like to do? Stupid
treat keeping? Can we get around the tree? So there's obviously a tree
in front of a road to create some sort of choke points, So idiot
travelers go into the woods and get ambushed by much smarter, fullest folk.
Does that seem reasonable? Yes? Sure? Is that uneath? How how
big around is this tree? Can my horse leap over it? You are
welcome to try. But um, you've never jumped this horse. I don't
know you've ever jumped any horse. By my by looking at my animal handling
scores, I'm pretty sure I've never I may not have ever ridden a horse.
Can I ask a question, are we supposed to be able to see
all these other characters on the map? I don't. I don't know what
you're talking about. I have a very high wisdom score, so you should
be wise enough to know that. The answers, No, you shouldn't be
able to see those things. No. No, but seriously, I mean,
does no one else go tree across road on a not there has there
been storms recently. It's an idiot trap. Looks like you caught a fistful.
I mean, especially with all the rocks around it. That that does
look suspicious even to me. Yeah, it's not so much that how did
the tree get there? But how did the fricking boulders get there? Yeah?
Right, it's a yes, there is a guy sitting on the tree.
Okay, that's it. Clearly went to a lot of efforts, So
you know we should at least like parteen to be surprised and go, oh
no, we are saw anything and help please and the people. Oh no,
we are so innocent and helpless. I am very good at that.
I'm very good at being helpless. All right, Yeah, who's doing what?
Moove's gonna ride forward a guy on a tree I don't care about.
I will let the people with hit points go ahead of me. Yeah,
I'll ride a little bit and be like mm is today the day I'm going
to have to save some idiots or get to gloriously destroy some people who cut
down an innocent tree? Was this an innocent tree? This was like a
living breathing It's not like a dead tree tree. If somebody cut down a
live tree in these woods, I'm feeling a slight surge of violence. Sweetie.
I think you need there. Well, you're a little too far away
still to know if it was if it was a live tree or a dead
tree. Next time, move pigs shitting woods and grab live plants to wipe
herself with. Move will laugh. He was so hot. Why can't he
just stay stupid and angry? He does, stay stupid and away. The
problem is you lease in. Yeah, just just don't listen to what they
say, baby, because you know, come cowards. It doesn't get any
better exactly because I probably healed back an arm if it blew off, and
just leave these. You know, I think I can make I can do
a silence spell. So maybe if when he liked does a bath or something,
we could just do the silence and you assume he bathes. That's fair.
Let's go, fucker. He is a foot, Let's ride forth and
see who needs to die? What's our what's our jailer doing? Is he
just like let's see what these idiots do and watching us? Yes, I'm
thinking maybe he has. He has literally been assigned to follow along. And
um, hold the remote for the things that will blow your arms off.
Good times good to probably survive it. Go to the temple meditate. You
still haven't told me if the guy sitting on the on the downed tree is
hot. Um, I don't know your definition of hot. He looks like
think think think an older Erragorn and way way dirtier, poorer, more scars,
fatter, scruffier hair, scraggly facial hair. So no, no,
think Aragorn without anything that makes Aragorn attractive. Oh Or is played by John
Hartness. Yeah, ye, shots fired and combat hasn't even started. A
minute. Okay, somebody starts off with two failed death saves. Yeah,
problem, and that's interested except for the dirty and scruffy part. But suffy
is good though. We like scrubies. Okay, not what it's dirty too.
I like bats are good. As you get with it, Okay,
as you approach, you get within, you get just on the edge of
average short bow shot, average light crossbow range, and scruffy. Aragorn moves
forward a little so that he's sitting on top of the fully sitting on top
of the tree with his feet hanging out. Hello, welcome. It is
so good that you have arrived. We've been waiting for you. Nil,
I'm so sorry, sir, we misplaced our invitation. Did he cut down
the damn tree? Well, you're wearing your invitations on your arms. My
name, my name is Barren. I am a freedom fighter. I am
a liberator. I am a purveyor of fine wares of potentially questionable origin.
Please meet my associates. And as he gestures, you see a few people
step out of the edge of the woods. They seem to be pretty well
armed, of course. One nice lady back here seems to not be wearing
any armor, but she's carrying a tall staff. Yeah. And then you
see a woman back here, sure probably a solid seven. Still are still
a little dirty, but I mean it's the woods kill her last. And
then you see another woman coming up behind Baron on the rocks, and she
also isn't wearing any arm and has a wand in one hand. See,
you keep getting me all excited when you say isn't wearing any And I'm going,
all right, this kind of party? Well, yeah, that party's
that. That party's in episode six or seven. Okay, we got we
gotta build up some some viewership. First. Now, Baron claps his hands
together. Now, I understand that you lot are on a very important mission
from my friend Mayor varonin Oh, your your information is very current. Well,
I pay very good money for it, so it had better be.
See did he tell you about this a remarkable opportunity that he and I had
just discussed. N't get it? He did? Okay, Well, I
mean, if you need a sample kit, I have need any crystals.
I don't need any makeup, and I'm wearing my favorite pair of tights,
so I don't need leggings either. Let me just look at my business card.
Just in case, Um, that'll be fine. You can leave it
right over here on a rock, right by the side of the road.
But I have a proposition for you. And as you are obviously the business
manager of this group, well, I mean you would perhaps you are of
an entrepreneurial spirit and can follow what I'm laying down for you. I'm listening.
I represent certain interests from the City of Alberic, interests that do not
always align with Mayor Veronin's interests, interests that certainly do not align with his
desire for the gem of food march. I want you to get it from
me, not for the mayor. Question, Yes, what did you cut
down a live tree and kill it for the sole purpose of blocking the road?
No? No, I stood at the base of the tree and winded
it with lib tarred bullshit until it sacrificed itself and collapsed out of pure boredom.
Yes, I fucking killed the tree. Move believed first story Muga question,
who don't care Moog not care about mayor and dead daughter? So would
you give Moog for for for killing jailer here and uh and bringing gem back
to you? I will give you the a device that will disarm the explosives
that are tied to your arms and a thousand gold each Moog sold he killed
a tree, though Moog do not care about tree. Move burned down whole
farest and laugh darling. It's part of the circle of life. Trees fall
down, we burn them, we stay warm, and we stay alive.
They do not get cut and ripped from their life by humans who would be
better served as rump ros. See maybe us tree leaders, firewood problem solved?
Okay, maybe closer to mom because okay, so you see the way
that I see this right here is you're asking me to work against my own
better interest since Mayor Veronin is in my down line and his success is critical
to my own success. So I can't outright say yes, we're going to
screw him over because that would be very bad for my pocket, and I
don't do things that are bad for my pocket. So how about we work
out some kind of alternative, because we do. We already have agreed to
one thing, and that agreement does not exactly disagree with your agreement. It
just maybe step two of a new agreement. Do you follow my head?
Hurts muk confused? You female female not have not have pockets. How many
times can you use the word agreement in one put in one stream of bullshit?
I mean, I can keep going. I do this kind of thing
all day long. Baron, get the fuck out of the way. The
woman from behind Baron kind of pushes him out of the way and stands up
onto the woman in charge. Okay, sweetems, here's the deal. Now
we're going to get somewhere. You can leave your card if you want,
you can chew, you can murder George if you want, Hi, George,
how you been, how's the family? How's the kids? George just
kind of glares. Apparently Alberic is not that big a town. But if
you want my money, go get go get the gem. If you don't
want to go get the gem, then I'll just kill you and go get
the gem myself. So what do you say, Are we going to murder
the guard or are we going to murder you? Murder somebody? Start option.
There doesn't have to be murder involved at all. I don't see a
reason for murder at the momentum of here's our If if we do decide to
work for you instead of for the mayor, um, what's to stop our
buddy? Back here from just blowing us up and going back to town and
getting more adventurers, the which will delay everybody's thing. The woman standing in
front of the tree off to the side of the road hold just kind of
waves at you and says, high, that's me. And that's when you
notice that her hands are glowing. And George, your bailiff, is also
glowing a little and he can't quite He seems to be unable to move.
Would that be whole person? Funny how that works in George's case, it's
hold half a person, but it's fine, to which George responds with,
yo, I'll get you for this, Sparta. I'll make sure your recorret
everything you've ever done, thus continuing the rule that all dwarves are Scottish.
Climb off his horse and you know, unsheathe his b I don't acts,
you know, and looked at the rest and be like, okay, somebody
die, decide, will not care who? Well, really, statistical standpoints,
there are more of them, so that is a wider selection of bodies
for me to choose from. So I am in favor of killing these two
larger group ass than the dwarfs. They killed a tree I'm think my stance
is clearest, which I'm a favorite friend. Um wait, they're offering more
money and they're not intending to blow us up. They say that, how
do we know that they actually have a woe body that does what they say
and that they will not just blow us up the moment that they have the
access to George's thinky this this out. I have no idea about George's thinhy,
but this fine thing over here says that she can take care of of
making sure he doesn't blow us up, and at the moment she seems to
be coming through on that promise. Second, because I need some energy,
can you sweeten? Can you sweeten add dear a little bit before your life
would come on? Sweet talk me Georgie, Baby. They probably have more
than a thousand gold worth of shit on them. If you just murder all
of them, you'll get paid by the mayor you up, and you'll end
up with more money on the backside anyway, because you get to take all
their crap. That is a very good point. He does make a good
point. So I really suggest you kill the cleric first so that I can
help in the fight. I don't tell you about it. I can.
I think I should be able to just un use that if you know,
good to know? Thanks? Okay, wells in are we on agointment?
Do you? Um? Do you met that? All of you fine folk?
M thank you for your offling. This has been a lovely meeting.
It has been a delight. I wish you a very pleasant journey to the
afterlife. It's not that bad. We're talking too much. I want to
call lightning. Alrighty, where would you like to call it? Well?
Who cut down the damn tree? In my mind? That guy, that's
pretty much your mind. So I don't know. Ah, so you're calling
it down right on Barren. Yeah, but I think they're within five feet.
It's hard to tell with these little squares. Sure, so I'm hoping
for a two for of the fourth level cast. Call lightning. Alrighty,
click on click on call lightning for me, so that we can see DC
fourteen thirty four lightning damage. Alrighty, so that'll be multiple deck says yeah,
Oh, it's a sixty foot cylinder. This is kind of thing,
isn't it. No, No, it's left be it as this spellcaster before.
Alrighty, with a sixty foot cylinder, it's not. It doesn't hit
everything within a sixty foot feet sixty foot radius or sixty foot cylinder. It's
a sixty yeah radius centered on the point. So she's centering it on Barren.
Okay, centering it on Barren. Will each creature, each creature within
five feet of the point that she has chosen, which is Barren has to
make a saving throw. Not everyone in the sixty feet Okay, So sixty
feet is where you can call it again. But it's still get a sting,
so you can zippity the zippityes that it's going to sting for somebody,
I hope, just not for us. I hope. I'm delicate here,
I am right. Let's go standing here. You stood in front because I
was talking. So the two people that it's going to come closest to are
going to be Barren and the boss Lady. And they do. They do
both make their saves, Barren with a NAT twenty and Boss Lady with a
seventeen. So then they take half, they take half. Alrighty, so
now that um zippit zappaty you have zippities appatid um. Now they're annoyed.
I can't imagine why. Wow, they weren't before our game did they cut
down a tree? This happen? Everybody roll me initiative, go figure,
Oh boy, move gets a fifteen, helda gets a fourteen. I have
a six. Let's see if tryin Karen shows up. Oh, I'm telling
you these these animated dies man at four tweet. I like them. They're
kind of cute. Alrighty, so that is a that's a ten for Gigi.
M Mooga has a fifteen, Bild has a fourteen, and well then
there are other people, and then there's all of these guys. Hey,
somebody got to bring up the rear and when in doubt it's ah, could
it be trn Karen? Well, yeah, are we supposed to be able
to see the initiative tracker? No, I haven't run it. I haven't
learned how to do that yet. So that'll be a next that'll be a
next episode thing. Oh it's okay, I failed at clicking on my token,
so I deserve this. Oh oh yeah, it's our turn. Oh
I will So Baron and the Boss Lady have just been electrified, and now
they're going to get a shot right back at him warranted, and that is
gonna mean that Moog is out here in the front. No, it's not
moog. Let's be a lightning gee. Well that's perfect because she's That means
you're close enough. Who on earth went behind me? Well? I had
did a drop call lightning? Yeah, I go behind everybody. I am
squishy. I am a dainty, delicate lady. Yeah. And I just
shouldn't want to be in the way of the of the zapping because look,
forty four hit points. I was just putting my business card down. Don't
don't look at me. How many do I have? I don't even know.
I only have five? Oh my god, that's horrifying. You can't
be up here. You're violent, alrighty. The boss lady flings a firebolt
at Hilda that misses wildly, and then I am protected by the will of
the righteous rage of the forest. Yeah, keep telling yourself at sister,
I will as long as I'm alive. And then Baron jumps up on top
of the murder, on top of the tree he murdered, and fires a
crossbow bolt in your direction. There, Hilda, I'm going to assume that
a twelve does not hit you. Um, I am an ac twelve.
Okay, so yes, it does you know, Hilda, you're you're so
upset about the tree. You haven't said a thing about these poor rocks that
have been obviously moved out of where they came from. I'm a vegan,
not an idiot. Oh no, all right, So Hilda, you'll take
six from a heavy crossbow shot and now that'll move it to Moog's turn.
Move What would you like to do? All right? So, first of
all, no moogile move. You can get close enough for melee. Really
the map is a little screwing, all right. Well, then the first
thing Moog will do is Moogle cast green flame bleed on his on his axe.
Nice so, and then that allows me to take two swings. So
then he will swing orphan splitter at this at this mook all right, all
right. The first is twenty four ac. That'll hit for seven slashing,
and the second is fifteen ac. Fifteen will also hit. All right,
So they take also Okay, so that's seven and eleven. That's eighteen slashing
damage plus six fire. And how close is how close is this person to
them? About about eight or ten feet away? Okay, so they're not
close enough so that the flame does not jump to them while I'm sure they're
very happy to hear that. So that was an total of eighteen plus twelve
plus six. You only get one shot of flame blade, or does it?
Um? Yeah, it's just it's it's meant to like, you know,
it's meant to uh to jump from targeting target okay or leaf? Actually,
hold on, let me just double checked, um, because actually I
do not damage increases nearly A tech deals an extra one D eight and I
hit. Oh no, you're right, it actually does. It actually does
hit with both, so an extra three damage. Alrighty, so it's thirteen
plus fourteen is twenty seven. All right, that is a palpable hit.
She is unhappy with you, and you'll notice now that you're close enough that
Baron is the only dude. This is an entire party of badass women.
Can't imagine why Moog will enjoy killing your wives? All right, um,
mood, you have anything for a bonus action? Or was green flame blade
your bonus action? I'm green flame flame lead is actually an action. It's
just everything else becomes a bonus action afterwards. Okay? Cool? So yeah,
all right, well Hilda, it is now your turn. You may
I believe the lightning continues, m I would like to bring it back down,
so then you can do it in a different point if you would like.
Ken out of curiosity, just because the map is a little wonky.
If it came down here, would it hit these three people? Yes,
okay, then I will hit the rocks as not to annoy the already dead
trees corpse, although hopefully the tree will light on fire from all the lightning
hitting it and adding some extra fun to the battle. Because physics are awesome
when you pair them with magic. Yeah, because that's the first thing I
always think about with magic is how does the physics of this work? Oh?
Wait, no magic? All right? So that means that the three
of them will need to make a dex save fourteen there's one and somebody has
to fail a deck save at some point. Oh I was wrong, John,
take away. That extra three damage actually was only the first hit.
Oh okay, all right, well there you go, Rachel. Two of
them did fail their deck save, so yeah, the vengeance of the fourth
will be mine. So that is twelve damage to the boss lady and twenty
five to Baron and to one of the other ladies. Yeah, they that
hurt. They're obviously unhappy with you? Now? Were they happy with me
before? They're humans? I mean, they didn't have any particular objection to
you before. Now they do, big Gigi, what would you like to
do? Do lucky? All right? I well, big flammable object,
just just saying yea, oh yeah, um sorry, Rachel, roll me
a D one hundred and choose high er low. I'll choose low. The
tree did not catch on fire. I bet against myself. How sad?
All right, I will go over to a geologie baby, um, and
I will cast dispel magic. Huh all right? Ed, Wow, not
bad there, lassie. Yes, I would like you to say, zank
you gi, you are the best. Thank you, jiji, you are
the best. Thank you very much. Again, go along, go along,
be meat shield away with you. All right, I can do that.
It is kind of the whole thing, okay. And I will just
smile very sweetly at the cleric. Get better at just podcasting, dear,
and Georgie has joined the initiative at the very end, of course. All
right, Well, now the bad guys get a turn. Hey really bad
or are we assuming? Oh yeah, they killed a tree? Their horrible.
I just would say, you're the one who's convinced of their villainy.
I it's been to therapy. I have to at least question myself slightly.
Now, let me call more lightning. You know, I just wanted to
get seven bodies instead of one trick. You know, I don't think starting
to think that you need a different therapist. Yeah, Moog will not point
out the obvious that a court that looking at map tree was already dead.
We never said she was observant boy, twenty five perception. I'm pretty damn
observant. I'm just looking for an excuse to kill humans that you're very good
at finding those, thank you, which is why I'm standing way back here.
My human ass is not coming anywhere close to you right now. Hey,
Moog, I'm gonna guess that in that one and an eight miss you
badly, all right, And also so then I'm going to guess that two
twenty fours are probably gonna be okay to hit you. I'm hold on one
second, you're talking to me though, Yeah, all right, hold on,
let me see twenty four. Yeah, twenty four is gonna hit all
righty. So the first bandit that comes at you missus wildly. The second
bandit makes up for it, and she stabs you twice for a total of
fourteen. Oh, then that looks like it hurts, Hilda. Which one
is you? I'm the one dead centered? Oh okay, you know the
target? Yeah, I mean you kind of brought that on yourself, babe.
They brought it on themselves by killing a tree. Yeah okay, Well
so that's a twenty two, ten, an twenty and a seventeen. Oh
everything, but the ten does hit. That's a total that's gonna be a
total of twenty five points of damage. It is merely a flesh wound.
What do I have to roll and keep my concentration? Or is that when
I the next round, you'll need to roll a con saving throw. Yes,
so go ahead and roll that for me. Come on, come on,
little computer, show up. I have lost my concentration because Hilda rolled
a seven. You have in fact lost your concentrations of You will have to
cast a whole new spell next turn off. Completely fair, I have more
ideas? Oh good? You know who else has more ideas? The free
step Who's no longer having to concentrate on whole person because it's been dispelled?
H Yes, so she's going to then cast she's going to cast spiritual weapon.
Oh shit, and her spiritual and since spiritual weapon has a range of
sixty feet, she's going to make it appear right in front of Trincaren.
Hell no, and then she's going to then she's going to take a shot.
Does a fifteen hit you? Trincaren? Okay? Well, a glowing
hammer materializes right in front of you and slams down onto the stone that you
were just about to put your business card down on. But it misses your
thumbs, so good job. And I look at it and go alright,
unwre what would you like to do? I am I am riding my horse
back and forth right here. You see me moving, um, and I'm
saying I am defending you ladies. No one will get past me to get
to you. Great because two ladies is right, you know? Yeah,
my yellow I am so delicate alright, and I will blow Gigi a kiss.
Yes, that's what I'm doing. What would you like? I'm annoyed?
Um, So the first thing I'm going to do this kind of perpetual
Well yeah, I mean this is nothing new. I didn't say that it
was a brand new state of mind or anything. So I'm going to first
bless their hearts on my three closest compatriots here on weird Moog and I forget
who this other one is, um So Hilda, thank you hashtag blest bless
your hearts? What is this dirty feeling around Moog? So whenever they make
an at so, whenever they make an attack roll or saving through before this
spell ends, they can roll a D for and add the number roll to
the attack roll or saving throll. Um So I'm will bless their hearts first.
And since that heffer who flung a spiritual weapon at meum was in range
and didn't move, I'm might cast that bad boy right back at her and
see what happens. You can only cast one spell atturn. Ah crap,
I've forgotten on that d Yeah, even if the time of even at the
timing on the spell is bonus action, you can only cast one spell atturn.
Okay, damn it, I forgot anyway, Okay, you can ignore
that. Yeah, you can do a can trip and a spell spell,
but not a spell spelling. See, I was seeing that it was a
bonus action over here, so I wasn't wasn't thinking. Yeah, I know,
it gets you so exciting. That it's like, ha ha. I'm
pretty sure we went for two years of the first of the beginnings of Authors
and Dragons without any of us really knowing that you couldn't cast two spells a
turn. That's okay. I thought you could cast a can trip though.
But if the can trip is a bonus action, all right, well I'll
just play her and give her a nasty look because I can and give him
a nasty look. Yes, you can absolutely glare as a bonus action.
Yes you can an intimidation check. I can do super stint guy, because
I've met you and I know how the death glare is a thing. Yeah,
it is. It's a roll to intimidate. It is rolling. It
is thinking. It will communicate here briefly, there we go. M she
kind of flicks her hair and just huh, she's too far away. She
didn't get the whole brunt of the stint guy. Mm hmmm mmmm. I
think she might be blonder than you. She might not give a shit.
Oh yeah, but words, you know who does give a shit. George
gives a shit. And George is going to run right up the middle and
start laying about with his warhammer. Oh, I think he's sexier than Moog.
It's hammertime, baby, so he is going to miss spectacularly excellent.
Oh yeah, it's real sexy. Shut up, I was I was bound.
I'm hah trouble getting it out, all right. It happens to all
guys sometime, Yes it does. It's okay. Has it happened to you?
Moog does what happens to bog weapon malfunction? No, Moog just kills
what Moog hits? Yeah, that's sexy. It is. Well. Now
Baron has decided to join the phrase, so he is jumping down off the
tree and running forward to engage Georgie all on his own gasp so dramatics and
now that he is, now that he is melee, he gets multiple attacks.
He's in that twenty and an eleven and eleven. Both of the elevens
will miss because well George is kind of tanked up. But the twenty five
that's going to get you there, that'll dune ten too. George, who
looks annoyed but not terribly hurt. Actually he kind of always looks annoyed.
But I mean, if you guys had to hang out with you, you'd
be annoyed to fair that's what are you talking about. I'm Glory is Company.
We are a goddamn delight. Yes, yes you are, of course
you are. But you know what, I don't think it's going to be
any real surprise that the mage has in her arsenal my favorite spell. Ever,
you can't touch her, not exactly, so we're gonna need Would you
like to know my favorite spell? Counter spell? No? Yeah, that's
lovely. Uh, but you're cancel. You are out of the range of
this spell. But no one else is all right, needs a body.
I'm going from everyone who isn't And I can say that and it sounds completely
different from when you say it, you know, like that, Oh yeah,
yeah, don't forget the people who are hashtag blessed as you're blessed.
Yes, twelve, put four and sixteen for moog alright. I did not
make my save. Oh very glad, I am gonna work. Oh sorry,
that's me too, isn't it? What am I saving against? You
are a deck save of DC fourteen? Okay or hashtag bless I did not
make mystag Oh no, don't, don't don't yet. Oh so weird because
me Judy is like, oh oh no, people are getting hurts like ya.
I would have sodies. So if you made your save, you'll take
thirteen damage. Oh, if you didn't make your save, you'll take twenty
seven damage. I am very happy to be a half work plant. I
have won my rachel ability. What was the total damage in twenty seven?
Twenty seven? Okay, bless all hail the half work Hey, yeah,
and don't forget to add your hashtag. I did add my hashtag. I'm
still hashtag fucked. Well. The good news is that all of the bad
guys also failed their save, So all the priestess and the boss lady were
not in the range, but um, everybody else was. How collateral damage?
Yeah, karma, karma is a bit you. So that means that
baron is down. And let's see, but all the fine women are still
up. All the fine women are in fact still on their feet. How
the single ladies ole? Maybe all the pretty girls walked back? Then?
Alrighty, so yes there everyone is a little bit singed or a lot and
it's now mooks turn. All right, Well, there's two people attacking me,
which means they're both close enough. I will attack first, the one
who who I hit last time. All right, I will cast green flame
Blade, and then I will attempt to leave them with orphan splitter twenty and
not twenty. So as you go through and completely sever the head of the
bandit you hit last time, the green flame Blade cauterizes it perfectly, leaving
her head to fall and just kind of roll over to bump up against Baron's
corpse's ass. All right, let me ask a question. That was the
first hit or the second hit that did her in? Oh? I thought
you were cleaving through and hitting two people. Oh yeah, I mean that
that was that was the plan. So yeah, the first breaking head off
and then you killed the next one too. Well, back to sexy check.
Good job move, all right? Yeah, since Moog still has his
movement, Yeah, well, dang, I kind of like that one in
the outfit move will move to the to the priestess and activate his action surge,
which gives him two more attacks. Alrighty, well, you can surge
all over her, buddy way. Maybe I never want to use that particular
phrasing again. Probably not, all right, but you will eighteen and fifteen
If either those mis let me know, because I have the D four um.
No, both of those will hit all right, so then that's nineteen
slashing to her. All right, she is not dead, but she is
not happy with you, and she's like, oh, well, I guess
I know where the next spell goes. Oh, helda, you will have
two people in front of you and blood pouring from basically every orifice. Not
because for much longer as I prepare to touch myself. Oh that'll make yeah,
okay, that would be a healing touch myself, Thank you very much.
I find that to be therapeutic, regardless of injury or so. Sure,
all right, and as my bonus action, it's Chaliley time, which
is a can trip and is a bonus action. Alrighty, you can challe
whoever you want. I boot let me check if I don't think I get
a oh I do. It's a bonus can trip. All right, you're
gonna smite somebody. I after touching myself, whap the stick at the human
looking lady because humans die first. So you have touched yourself, you feel
a lot better, and now you're the sick. Yes for twenty three unless
I that was my did I actually hit a twenty three? Will hit?
Holy shit, I'm a druid and I hit something twenty three is a good
swing. But now you roll damage. I'm a little angry. They killed
a tree. Roll damage. All right, you have slugged her right in
the gourd she is She looks a little offended, Honestly, Gigi, what
would you like to do do? Maybe it's just going to be a whole
lot of really bad, fake French accents for the attack, for the run
of campaign. All I can do? Oh, I don't know. You
managed to not be in the fireball, you know. It's that it's that
wizard sense of hmm. I should be one hundred and twenty five feet away
from the cast. Yeah, do you see my little rouller going on the
roll twenty screen? Nah? All right, I'm going to bibbity bobby my
little butt over here, and I am going to cast ray of sickness that
person. Okay, that is the one that Hilda did not hit. Okay,
so twenty two to hit? Why does mind show whatever? That is
not a good constitution save So they are now poisoned and remained poisoned until the
end of my next turn, which means they have disadvantage on basically everything.
All right, will they take more damage at your next turn, or at
their turn, or any of that. Nope, they're just poisoned, so
they have disadvantage to do anything. Okay, alrighty well, I'm not wasting
high level spells on these losers. That's a good time to give them.
It's a good time to give them disadvantage because it's now their turn to try
and murder Hilda. But one of them is also going to try and murder
Georgie. Let's see how good they are at murdering. Ah, let's see,
so far, they're pretty good. First, they pretty good. They
do get Georgie with one shot. Um, yep, they get him with
one long sword shot and he's still his tank and ride along he is,
after all, you know, just your average dwarf hanging out. And now
one will take two swings at you? There, Hildy fool boy, Will
a pair of twenties hit you? Oh? Yes? Should I just start
my death saves? Um? No? Because if I remember right, you
were down to one and you healed for fourteen. Yes I'm at fifteen.
No, you're now back to one. Hey it's familiar, but I feel
like I think groundhog Day. You are It is just you. You ain't
dead nope, that you're flirting with it. I mean, looks out this,
this horn dog party seems to be flirting with everything. So I tried,
Look, I mean, you and flirts. You just might not be
successful when you're flirting very well. It's hard to flirt when they keep getting
their heads lopped off. Complicate things, all right. The Spiritual Weapon swings
at you, Moog, and dude, Spiritual Weapon tuck. Yeah, okay,
so yeah, one day eight plus three, Moove, you'll take a
total of six points of damage from the does the glowing hammer, It automatically
hits um does a twenty hit you. I'm glad you asked that, because
normally it would but as it comes in, my reaction activates, okay,
allowing me to cash shield, which until the beginning of my next turn,
raises my hip point my armor class to twenty two. Then it swings down
at you and smacks into your glowing shield. So now you take nothing laughs
at ghost weapon, and now Moog is going to get an attack of opportunity
because when that happens, she sees that and she's like, oh fuck this
okay, and she's actually well, actually, since my reaction, that was
my reaction. I'm pretty sure I don't get an up attack. Yeah,
yeah, that's the reaction for the round. Well, she's hauling ass into
the woods. She will not be home before dark. All right on,
we're you're gonna just keep riding your horse or yes? But um, but
I am using my acrobatics skill. I am going to stand up on my
moving horse, and as it's going around in a circle, I'm going to
say we could have just had a party and negotiated this, but no,
let's see. Okay, and you know what, with a twenty acrobatics,
you can do that shit standing on your hands, then I will do it
standing on my hands, because that's even better. Exactly, you got a
twenty that makes it cooler. You can be cooler, awesome, And that's
what I am fussing, fussing, I say, Trent, Karen, what
would you like to do? Well, since the object of my ire has
run away, um, rather than face my spiritual weapon, Um, I
can probably tell that hell does having kind of a rough go of it,
I'm assuming, yes, there is no part of me okay, even the
part of her you can't see, you know, you can tell they're bleeding.
Okay, So I'm gonna run up on her here real quick and lay
hands on her with cure wounds. And it's gonna take forever for these to
roll, but then they will eventually show up. Done did it? Yeah,
I've got you girl. We need to We need to. The reason
I didn't cut George the bailiff when TRN Karen showed up as a cleric,
I've messed. She better on the back and be like, you got this
girl? Come on all right, well you are healed for sixteen oh yes,
much better. And I don't think can I do I have a chance
to move after doing that? Or am I stuck where I am? Yeah?
Because you probably smell delicious, I can move more. Okay, I
want to go. I want to go back to my rock on Yeah.
Oh oh, silly me. It's humans that befoul the planet and must die
first. Get it right? Please? I need more therapy, you do
think, and a new therapist and maybe maybe a new hype. They wh
why is move movie on his own? The wrong token is coming to life
token toot small and I have new glasses, so I'm having trouble adjusting to
what looks like what I thought I thought it was a little bit. We
had a size problem that I wasn't going to say anything, all right,
So George is gonna duck around behind so that he's got a shot on both
of the both of the bandits here, and now he's going to take two
shots with his warhammer in the back. I mean, that's kind of a
dick move, but I'm on team George. So so the first one is
a twenty and the second one is a twenty one. So he will knock
the ever loving dogs not out of this forking bonus, not as a cleric.
Oh yeah, George doesn't get backstabbed, so he only does six damage.
But it looks real cool, not really compared to you know, probably
bleeding out hill. I imagine it looks cool. Okay, yeah, it
does look better than that little dwarf with his little rock hammer. Yo,
it's sexy. You want to come kill some things for me? Will kill
things? So m funny? How really useful? This twenty foot radius is
going to end up being so emanating From this spot right here, you notice
that the boss lady's kind of been waving her hands and muttering, and as
she gestures toward you, life gets very cold, very quickly. This is
not good. So but it doesn't smell like bad your farts, right,
I don't know what bad your heart smells like. And I'm happy about that.
But it doesn't mean that everyone needs to roll me a dexterity saved and
that's gonna be a d C of fourteen move not twenties. Hilda cannot make
a safe to save herself. Hilda still gets hashtag blessed. Oh Hilda,
it is still Oh, we're still blessed. Yeah, you can't you can't
miss that, I can't miss Yeah. So Hilda is as a seventeen and
it's for once not dead. Y U Gigi, you are saying, okay,
she is out of range as is um. Okay, we just stay
but yeah, I Karen is having a bad day. And then let's see
what we got here. Well, one of the one of the surviving bandits
continues to survive. The other one by ice, starts to fall from the
sky, and everyone who is everyone he made their save. If you made
your save, you'll take three points of bludgeoning damage, and you'll take three
points of bludgeoning damage and seven points of cold. If you failed your save,
you'll take seven points of bludgeoning and fourteen points of cold. So that
will kill the one of the bandits. And Georgie, how'd you do on
this? Great? George's fucked, but he's not. He's not totally he's
not dead. He's our tank. Thank You's fine? So yeah, and
tryn. Karen hits the dick. Oh no, all right, Claric down,
Claric down, so way, but no, Moog, you're still with
us, all right? Can I reach her and with with my movement?
Yes, well then you can get there and take a shot. All right,
So I will activate booming blade on her. This on her? What's
that? You hit her with your sword and you fart at the same time.
I basically it hits this wide doune thunder damage, but it will kind
of stick with her if she depending on what she does in her next action.
All right, so orphans split her away, So hold on. These
are both lousy rolls. Yes, they are so and twelve and she is
a mage. Those both hits, all right. So she first takes five
thunder damage and then she takes twenty eight slashing. Yeah, so that's a
total of thirty three yea, she is down on one knee bleeding from everywhere
that Hilda is bleeding from and then some but she ain't dead movie think should
be not dead yet? Does move have a bonus action he would like to
make? Um? Nope? That that that that takes care of his actions.
Alrighty, Gigi, don't I get an action? Maybe if I don't,
if I don't forget, if I don't skip you an initiative, Why
don't you go ahead and do something. I would like to disengage as my
primary action and move away so I do not get an attack of opportunity against
me. Okay, and then I would like to use my bonus cast to
do healing word on uh the haffling with them with the multi level marketing stuff.
So you make so the way to do that is you form a pyramid
your hand. It's a triangle. Power to the points of the pyramid,
channel it into the crystals exactly a point her with the So you're going to
heal her for ten and boom trn Karen's back up with a whole new big
this opportunity for you. Oh hell yeah, I'll get you on my team.
Girl. I told you cofflings are not on the menu, thank you.
Now, what would you like to do well? I would like to
you. I am going to cast chill touch at this woman. Okay,
I didn't push you to button. I pushed the button that's four to hit.
That's gonna get you there, so necrotic damage. As this blast of
roiling black energy streaks forward from your eyes, it's it can girl her in
what looks like melted licorice, and she just kind of stuck, freezes in
place, shutters for a moment, and falls back of the of the tree,
thaves, please do not touch that one. It's mine is preserved.
Alrighty um, you have one one bandit left. It's the bandit smart enough
to try to run the fuck away. No, get the bandit fast enough
to run away is not smart enough. The bandit turns and takes a shot
at because bandits are not well known for their scintillating intellect. She takes a
shot at the most heavily armored motherfucker in the on the road horse gotta liquid
courage and missus twice love it because why not? So yeah, on we're
Would you like to do anything else? I would I think that we have
it is now that crucial moment in the battle when I can do the most
good. Where is the closest dead body to me besides the one that Jigi
has called DIBs on. Okay, I am riding my tail over there,
and I am going to check and make sure that this person is really dead
and that they're not hiding anything that's going to bring them back in their pockets.
All right, got it, That's what I'm doing. Okay, Hey,
somebody's got to do it. You can proceed to loot the corpse.
Thank you, Trin. Karen, you're now awake, yay, Okay,
left, and you can kind of hear crashing through the underbrush as a priest
runs like a mother. Okay, but I can't see the person who actually
cast the thing that caused me the most damage, right, No, because
they were melted, very dead. Okay. Well, I'm going to vent
my rage on the last standing bandit and use spiritual weapon and this is coming
in the form of a mace because that is my preferred weapon. Mate,
And we'll wait for DND Beyond the Top to roll twenty. Looks like I
got a twenty six on the animated dice, so we'll see how that pops
up. Well, that's definitely gonna hit awesome and that's a yeah. So
yeah, that's that's just going to get you there, cub Bam. She
did. She did have an entire ice storm dropped on her head by her
balls after being fireballed by her boss. And wow, she's and hit by
warhammer, target and hit by a warhammer and now hit by a spiritual mace.
So now she had did dia dia did? Now stay motherfucker? Could
have had a party, could have been a great party, could have been
an exceptional party. But news this party could have been a naked people party
party. Oh, I've been been to what it owes? Alright, I'm
sure it's a marketing opportunity. You can join my team at any point.
Wait, you never mentioned that you do naked tupperware parties. I mean,
yeah, I have my fingers in all the pies. Girls trying to get
her fingers in plenty of pies too, but they keep trying to murder her
instead him him him, he's a him Yeah, whoops. You can be
another specific. You can be a john on gender specific slot. I am
I am absolutely that, non non specific, non binary, non discerning I
am I am. I am a completely welcoming slut equal I believe that.
All right, well, that puts us at a good place to maybe make
camp. Loot the bodies, figure out what where you want. Mourn the
tree, use the tree for firewood to cook the corpses, reanimate the dead
babies, reanimate the dead bodies. Anoint myself with oils to get back to
my full hit points. Whatever y'all do in your downtime, now's the time
to do it, because we're gonna now wrap this episode and come back to
y'all in a couple of weeks with another episode of Quest for Competence. But
don't forget that after you go pick up your tickets to Authors and Dragons Con,
you can join us next week for another side quest here on Authors and
Dragons. By Authors and Dragons brought you into a Creative Commons license, meaning
you were free to share this material so long as credit is given to those
who created it, which is us. People. You just heard to play
the game opening and closing themes performed by the Gore core form. What is
this dirty feeling around Moog