Oh hey, y'all, welcome to Coming Out the podcast formerly no as Coming
Out with Lord and Nicole. And I mentioned this specifically because today Nicole is
back. I'm sorry. This really lovely. We're reunited and it does indeed
feel so good. We're doing our fifth annual listener mail bag, which bonkers
so exciting. But as I was telling Nicole off Mike, so now I
do start every episode with a queer root shout out. And the reason why
I just started doing that is because I missed our little banter up top.
I didn't want to just like dive in, so I was like, I
need like something to like run my mouth a little up top, and so
I started doing this queer root shout out situation. And so today's will obviously
be in honor of you. Now, Nicole's actual queer root is Ricky,
which if you're a longtime listener, you know episode one, Nicole tells the
story. We then eventually found Ricky thanks to an amazing listener. We brought
Ricky on the pod and talked to her. So that is Nicole's factual queer
root bud queer root shout out. Because I know this was also important to
you shout out to you if your queer root is the movie The Craft this
was, I know also figures into your burgeoning queerness in middle school. Oh
in middle school, Oh my goodness, thanks, I forget how you were
so advanced. I forget that that's right in middle school. But for many
of you out there, I'm sure that this movie stirred some feelings. Perhaps
you created a little queer coven of your own. Maybe you did. Some
spells had to be sealed with a kiss, even though they never do that
in the movie. They well that's not true. They did. They do
when they're passing. Really yeah, when it's it's when they they're doing the
pass off of the cup with the knife before they're like at the beginning of
their ritual in the woods, when they like make all of the white butterflies
appear. They did not realize sound like a letterbox radio. This is like
very specific. Okay, So they do do they kiss each other? Yes?
Have I only ever seen this movie on but kiss each other? But
they don't make out like me and my friends did. Okay, Like like
I want to be like very specific. Theirs was was a sisterly kiss with
maybe a slight edge. You know ours, Ours was not ours was all
edge sixth grade. This is really fascinating. I'm gonna have to go to
YouTube because I'm starting to think that this is one of those movies I only
ever saw on TVs or TNT, and that that's because I have no memory
of them, of them smooching. So okay, well that's very exciting.
So shout out to you if you're a queer. Root is the movie the
Craft. Y'all, we got a lot of amazing questions. I want to
give props to the LA LGBT Centers Her Stories group because I asked a participan
yeah to post in their slack and y'all came up with some wonderful questions.
We're just going to dive right in because we do have so many, and
some of these are shorties, as the kids say, so we're gonna end
the episode with sort of a rapid fire back and forth of the questions that
kind of have short answers, but a lot of them are more elaborate and
we really want to give them their due. So we're just gonna get started
with your questions. So the first one, I'm sort of combining two questions,
but I thought this was a good way to kick to kick things off.
The question is, how can you tell if someone is gay slash?
What is gaydar? Is it real or made up? What are your feelings?
It's so real, it is so it is absolutely not made up.
I mean obviously the word gaydar is made up. And it's you know,
I don't love puns, but I love that one. Oh, I do
love puns, and I love that one. It's it's a really good one.
No, it so is right, It's like, immediately, this is
so cheesy, and you know, here I am showing my theater doc as
always, but like, but it immediately made me think of like, you
know, it's the Ring of Keys moment, right, like the it's literally
in the musical, like what was the fucking what's the musical? Cinema?
The music? But felm, I literally wanted to be like Home, Fun
Home, Coming Home. It's dead, I don't know, okay, fun
home anyway, so uh in fun Home like it like when she's a kid
and she sees the lesbian walk in with the Ring of keys, right,
and it is that like aha moment of recognition of same, right, like
and that is and and when you think about it, like from that standpoint
that yes, there's there are signals that are like, oh, this is
maybe a more masculine presenting woman, and so, you know, outward clues
that wouldn't necessarily need some sort of like internal you know, sy sense.
But stop. Also straight people can and again it depends on like how gay,
right, But like I still it's it's different because I'm actually amazed at
how many street straight people don't pick up on stuff like that. And then
it makes me go, ah, yes, like it's more than just these
outward facing sort of these presentational clues. It really has so much to do
with a vibe. You know, it's a vibe. I think that's a
vibe. It is a vibe. And like I it is so rare when
someone tells me that they're queer that I didn't that where I'm surprised. I
mean, that's really rare that I'm surprised. That's a great point. Yeah,
I'm trying to think of the last time I was like really caught off
guard, and I'm not sure when that would have. Like a great example
was when the god this was such a beautiful moment when the Sophia Bush News
broke, and I feel like everybody was like, oh, finally, like
we know it, like they. I feel like there was very little reaction
from queer people that was like what, Like, I feel like that's a
good example of what you're speaking to. I think for me, I don't
think a terrific gadar, But I think for me, when it gets confusing
is like what you're talking about, the pure gadar of the Ring of Keys
moment, I think, like that's beautiful and pure. For me, when
it gets confusing is if I like like someone, then I feel like it
can gum up my gadar because it's like I'm wanting it, So it's not
a pure form of it because I might be projecting stuff and then I second
guess myself and it's a whole fucking thing. So I think there's gadar when
you're just like regarding someone as a human, and then there's gaydar when you're
hoping they're queer, and that gaydar is less reliable. Yeah, And I
that's the funny thing because like, I feel like that's the part of me
that I sort of I don't know if it's just out of like self preservation
or what where I I'm like, yeah, no, nope, no,
no, if there's a sliver of a no, like I know I do
that same thing. I do that same I just I have a good friend
who I absolutely adore, who like, if she were queer, I probably
would have like had a what I would call a full blown crush on her,
but I really and I've like joked to her about it before, but
I never let myself actually go there because something in me was like, she's
she's not queer, she's not She's just not. I know she's developed that
quality. I think I'm getting better at it. I will also say I
feel like everyone, not everyone. I feel like many, many people under
say thirty years old, especially a fab folks, are identifying as queer more
and more. So I feel like I'm like, ooh, my gatar is
getting better. It's like, I don't think it's getting better anything more.
People are just identifying it's clear. I think that's also pretty true, and
I think they're also much more open to just kind of being and then yeah,
not labeling it necessarily yeah yeah, which by the way, relates to
one of our other questions. I don't know if we want to transition into
Oh, let's go Yeah, which one are you thinking? Let's go to
that one. Do we feel that street people should have to come out?
Oh? Yeah, okay, yeah, that's that's right. And the question
says, do you think straight people should have to do a coming out process?
I'm gonna let me say first because I don't want to be like influenced
by your answer, because that can happen a lot. So yeah, I
completely get it. I don't know if this is controversial. I'm gonna say
no. I am one of those people where I I joke about it a
lot, but I don't think that. To me, concepts like majority and
minority and stuff like that aren't like, they're not emotional concepts. They're statistical
realities. And the reality is the majority. I think it's less of a
majority than it used to be, as I just noted, but I think
the majority of people are straight identifying, and so I think it's okay to
say, like, if you are not, there's kind of more of an
impetus to make that known. Now, I'm not saying that's necessarily fair,
quote unquote, but like nothing in life is fair, I think it's justified
that people even though we don't love it, and we've spoken about that before.
I think it's understandable that if you are not presentationally quote unquote, other
people will assume straight depending on, you know, their own background, where
they grow up and stuff. So I it's funny to joke about, but
I think it's okay to be like, I don't think every single person in
the world should have to come out as like what they are. I know
that's maybe controversial, but I do just kind of feel like I'm a very
rational, pragmatic, reality based person and the reality is like more people are
straight. So I don't think that like every single straight person should have to
do a coming out process, although I do. I do love to joke
about it, and I would sort of love to see the awkwardness of the
straight coming out. So yeah, that's anyway, that's my thought on that
that would be. That would be great, and yeah, I'm not going
to turn it down. I definitely want to see a sketch on it.
At least actually, I have seen a sketch on it, like with you
know, it's joking about like coming out to your like progressive parents as straight
and they yes, I've seen that are like, what did we do wrong,
you know, like I think it's very funny. Yeah, but yeah,
I am in your camp on this one. Oh, I do not.
I do not think that that straight people should have to have a coming
out process. And and for that matter, nor do I I think that
sis people should have to have a coming out process. To be honest,
I don't think that anybody should have to have a coming out process. Oh
that's kind of like that's actually where where it goes. You know, Lauren
and I over the years talked about with this podcast, like the incredible the
vital need, especially in certain parts of this country and especially abroad, the
vital need for coming out stories. You know that that very much continues because
people need to hear that other people did it and are on the other side
and are living happy lives and are are able to you know, are thriving
right and no matter how difficult, the coming out was right. And so
but we said over and over again, you know, like we we coming
out like a podcast dedicated to coming out stories, like until we don't have
to come out anymore, like until there's not a right And I do think
even though it's like you know, it feels far fetched at this moment,
it feels very utopic and whatever to be like, I'd like a world where
no one has to come out like but personally that's how I feel so like
I would. I feel like making stream people come out is going the opposite
direction of where I would life to see the world going, and like humanity
evolving to like I like like I would like it to swing the other way,
where in fact, what kids are taught from a young age is not
to assume is that is that it's there's an it's an open you know,
like the world is your oyster and your inner life is your inner life,
and it's going to present itself in whatever natural way it does and will applaud
you and support you, and yeah, you know, like it's all fine.
You know that to me feels like where I would like to see things
going is actually away from coming out in general, because and I say that
like also as a poly person, right, I feel that deeply I wish
that the that we weren't, like compulsory monogamy wasn't a thing, just as
compulsory heterosexuality is like the assumptions of those things that we project onto ourselves and
other people as a result of like our conditioning is like sort of the root
of where the damage comes from. So I would like things to change in
the opposite direction. That's my opinion. Yeah, that's a great point.
Well, that kind of leads into let's do this next one then, which
asks are there people that you never come out to? Are there times where
you feel you have to hide your queerness? I feel like this is something
we've talked about, but kind of over the years on the podcast, this
has come up. And I will say I always I am in the camp,
and I think most of us are that safety should always always be prioritized.
There is if it's ever a matter of safety of potentially getting kicked out
of a home of some sort of conflict, be it well certainly physical,
but even like an emotional conflict, that like, you are never, as
Nicole just said, you are never obligated to come out, and I would
argue that in situations that could be detriment to you, you probably should not
come out. And that does not You're not you know, the ancestors aren't
looking down from heaven and being like no, like that is't no, Like
the ancestors want you to be safe. We want you to be safe.
So I think in those situations, I hope it goes without saying, like
always protect yourself and it doesn't have to be as extreme as I've just said.
It can be. You're in an uber and you're getting a kind of
a possibly weird vibe from the driver, like something like that change a pronoun
like you know, like when you like or don't like, like that's the
thing is or don't, But I just prioritize your your safety safety. Yeah,
that's the thing is because like that that bar also for some people is
going to be vastly different. Right, Some people are going to be are
going to see that as a challenge and to want to confront Yeah, and
then other people are going to want to protect themselves either physically or emotionally or
both. And that's all. All of those reactions are valid. Absolutely,
So Yeah, that's I think, Oh God, are there ever times I
what is it? What was the what is the exact phrasing of this?
Again, it's the exact phrasing. Was are there people that you never come
out to other times where you feel you have to hide your queerness? And
again we should note that is a privilege to even be able to hide your
awereness, because some folks can't hide the fact that they're queer and a you
know, visible visual sense A one hundred percent yes, So I mean,
yeah, no, I feel like I mean, we've talked about this a
million times about how coming out doesn't happen once, you know, we talk
about coming out stories as though it's like it's like, oh, it happened,
and then it's over. There are smaller and bigger coming outs that happen
throughout your life, as you meet new people, as you are in different
situations that are like, you know, everything from older family members you know
of different generations or different cultures and things like that, to your neighbor,
to your Uber driver, to your employer. I mean, it is just
over and over and over and over and like, I'm not, I'm not.
This is a sad thing to say, and I guess I've never thought
about it in these terms, but I have trouble imagining a future in which
I am still alive, where I'm not going to have to be consciously making
a decision in a moment whether to come out to somebody or not. I
specifically think about this still a lot when it comes to polyamory obviously, which
I feel is you know, big one right now, I think, yeah,
big time, I mean, and that's really hard. That's everything from
my kids' school to the new church that we joined, to our neighbors,
you know, especially our older neighbors, are neighbors who are from different cultures
as well, you know where you're linking. I don't know how that works
in your culture, and I you know, I yeah, all of that,
and so I I'm constantly doing it from that standpoint. And I mean,
but even when it comes to just like being queer, I do it
just slightly to a lesser extent, but still, like we had and I
say, this was so much love for her. We had one of our
our neighbors in her eighties over for Thanksgiving. She's lovely. Yeah, she
really like that. Yeah, I really like. I connected with her kind
of the first time we ever spoke, because she reminds me of a lot
of my nana, of my mom's mom, and I missed my nana terribly,
so there was an immediate connection. But so she's great, and she's
talking, talking, talking up the storm, you know, at the dinner
table, and she was talking about the church that she attends and how some
people like the sort of membership turnover they've had. And she said that some
of the older women in the church they had they had a lesbian pastor come
in at some point. So we're not talking a Catholic church, right,
Like I don't know what the denomination is, but did a lesbian pastor come
in at some point? And some of her contemporaries were not happy about it
and and threatened to leave the church if they didn't, you know, because
and she and she made a comment like I mean, I don't care she's
but she said, but she said, I don't care, you know,
as long as she's not hitting on me, I don't care. And I'm
like, that's like such a older generation the way of thinking about that,
because it implies that like somehow we're more. It applies that some lesbian is
going to hit on every woman in her orbits, so she's going to have
or whatever. Yeah, but like you hear men saying it about game that
we're wan like absolutely absolutely as first of all, as though like there's some
sort of hot piece that the gay man would want to hit up a shallow
if you can get a gay man's attention like, who, then I guess
you're doing something right. Yeah, agreed exactly, Yeah you should be so
lucky exactly, but like but yeah, it implies it all sort of goes
goes into that like yeah, that somehow we're perverts, right, Like that's
where it really comes from. And even though I'm sure that she would not
say that she believes that about gay people, the comment, you know,
I'm watching like Mandala sitting right next to her and her saying this, and
I'm seizing up and being like and she doesn't know what our dynamic is and
because I don't know, like, and there have been multiple times where I'm
like, how do I what do? How do we say what we are
and who? And do we or is this an important enough relationship? And
I'm also not going to be like, hey, we're not perverts at fucking
Thanksgiving dinner to my eighty six year old neighbor who had nowhere to go for
Thanksgiving, like like, do you know what I mean? It's yes,
it's meeting people where they are. It's also not your job to have You're
not obligated to have an emotionally exhausting, very vulnerable disclosing a lot about your
own life discussion in your home on Thanksgiving. Like and again, if you're
someone who wants to do that, God fucking bless you. We need you.
But that is not everybody has to do that, And you don't have
to feel guilty if you don't want to do that in a specific moment.
I mean, for me, had it been like egregious, like if she
made a truth, if she said a true slur, or like made it
very clear. Absolutely, they're gray areas like feels this was very correct,
yes, like where I think the intention was good and so like and and
I know that she's very liberal. She is, like she has said that
her celebrities are like you know, the anchor is on MSNBC, you know,
so like like this is the kind of person we're talking about, you
know, So in those situations, I just sort of give the benefit of
the doubt and I go, you know, if she and I ever get
together for tea and we have longer conversations one on one about our lives,
then I'll probably drop it in there somehow and she'll learn some information about me
and it'll be great, you know. But like, but those are choices
all the time. It's like, Okay, great. I literally just had
to make that choice. And I feel like those happen all the time,
and it is uncomfortable every single time. I feel like I'm holding my breath
in a situation like that. I'm also hurting for Mandala because of course I'm
the I'm the passing one because I have a husband, whereas Mandala is like,
you know, looking adorable in her like in her little like suit that
she's in for Thanksgiving, and you know, and then that hurts me for
her, and so it's like a whole you know, yeah, anyway,
sorry, Yeah, yeah, So that's my answer to that. No,
I think and this this is going to segue us nicely into we have some
Nicole specific poly questions, but I will know, Yeah, I do think.
I think polyamory is like a big one right now in terms of do
you disclose and coming out. And as I mentioned, when I had Richard
Chavonn, who I love of the poly podcast on, I think it was
a couple of months ago, I told the listeners, I was like,
just so you know, we've had more polygaests on the podcast than you even
know about. But a lot of that we're not able to be out about
being Polly for work or their family might hear it or something like that.
So people you, you as listeners have heard beautiful, elaborate, vulnerable coming
out stories from people who were also keeping a little something back because they had
to. So even like, yeah, so it's just really interesting. I
do think Polly is a big one right now in terms of the decision to
disclose or because that can affect people's careers, et cetera. So yeah,
it's also like in terms of like, what is the actual question? Probably
okay, so we have no no, this is great, Okay, So
we have two questions specifically for Nicole. Uh. The first is, well,
the first is clearly laid out. It says, what would you say
is the most important relationship skill you've learned from being the hand in a v
relationship? And then the second one is a more general because I also ask
for discussion topics as well as specific questions. The second one just says is
asking if you can speak to polyamory and breakups, And we honestly weren't sure
if this question were like, is this two separate questions where they want us
to talk about polyamory and then talk about breakups, but we also thought it
might be a good opportunity to talk about this specificity of when breakups happen within
polyamory and just how that sort of functions, because that is its own unique
thing. So those are our two polyamory questions, and yeah, you want
to speak to those in any order. Yeah, I'll speak to the first
one first. So if for those who aren't familiar being in like when we
say, you know, the hinge in a V relationship, what that means
is it's there are three people involved in the relationship, but there is only
one of them is the meeting point, right, So picture of the and
it has like the you know, the two arms coming across off of it
rather, so that looks a lot like you know, the traditional dynamic with
me, Gustav and Mandala, right, where like I am the only romantic
sexual partner of the two of them in our formation, and the two of
them are you know, platonic partners, right, So that's that's what that
looks like. So and we call that person in the middle me a hinge.
Right, So oh man, this is where like all of those the
like have your cake and eat it too, mits really really come into play
where people act like, well, yeah, it's easy for you. I
mean you're the like you have something, you're getting, all the high you're
getting, all the attention you like, aren't you so lucky? Are you
know? Like what have you got to complain about? The blah? What
do they get out of it? Like, I see what you get?
What do they get out of it? Yeah? Exactly exactly. So there's
so and and those those questions and those assumptions are very pervasive, right.
And I will say that I put an enormous amount of pressure on myself.
This is also just like part of my like codependency as a human being that
I'm working through. I put an enormous amount of pressure on myself for years
in our relationship to like be the rock that held it all together and to
like never really voice any of my anxieties that I was feeling, or any
loneliness that I was feeling in the position of being a hinge or any of
that, because it was like, well, I get to be with these
two wonderful people, So what do I have to complain about? And I
just have to make sure at all times that they're okay, Like that's my
job is to make sure they are okay, and to like bend myself into
whatever shape I need to be able to hold up the weight of their like
emotional needs. Right, that doesn't work as long as time learn term strategy.
So like, I just what I have learned is that, first of
all, and this should come as no surprise, but we still think we
can do it. No matter your relationship structure, you can never, ever,
ever, ever fulfill every single emotional need of your partner or partners ever.
Putting that pressure on yourself is a fool's errand and it will lead to
massive burnout, not to mention that it takes away the opportunity for your partners
to find that within themselves or for themselves fulfilled their emotional needs in other ways
that are also really important. Right, So number one, number two,
Like, it is very okay to acknowledge that you are incredibly grateful to have
two or I guess more, but in this case two wonderful humans who you
with whom you are in relationship, while also saying, and this is really
fucking hard. And I am a person with infinite love but not infinite time
and energy. And there aren't two people in this relationship, there are three.
And I am the third and I also need to take care of myself
because without doing that first and foremost, the whole thing collapses. And so
you're just getting built in alone time the way the other two people are getting
built in alone time. If you're built in alone time, built in friend
time, you know, built like all of that. And and it just
I've tried over and over and over in my life to like, do all
the things be everywhere at once, have it all, and my friends,
it doesn't. It doesn't work. And you can have abundance in your life
while also acknowledging your limitations and and and really making peace with those and being
okay, and in doing so, giving the people you love and who love
you the opportunity to find fulfillment elsewhere whatever that looks like. So that that
is my massive amount of like advice, man, don't take that on yourself.
And also connect with other hinge people. That's like a big that's a
big one too. That's really helpful because it is a very particular position to
have to be in, and it's really helpful to talk to other people who
understand and you go, oh my god, Okay, so it's not just
me who feels the weight of two different people's happiness on me. You know,
that's a lot of responsibility. And take care. Just take take care
of yourself, really take care of yourself. Yeah, so that's my answer
the first question. Okay, okay, And then, as I said to
you off, the other question made me think of the in terms of polyamory,
break of the short film that it was Lee's Angelica, right, and
isn't it she wrote and directed. Yeah, and Matt Pascual am I saying
that correctly. Yeah, so that is that. Remind me if that's up
anywhere, if folks can that's a great question. I don't know that.
Maybe I'll hunt for that if I can find it, y'all, I'm going
to put in the show. But the question about polyamory and breakups made me
think of that immediately because it is it's a short film that specifically deals with
that very specific issue of someone and I believe this character is also the hinge
in that relationship, or it's implied, yes, that she has this character.
Yeah, this character played by Nicole who gets broken up with by one
partner and then goes home to the other partner and is grieving though, And
so that partner has to comfort Nicole, it doesn't have to, but does
comfort Nicole, but also is in partnership with her, so is as she's
grieving the loss of things. It's just like a really interesting it just speaks
exactly to this question and it dramatizes it and it's sort of a really lovely
way. So it made me think of that, I'll see. Yeah,
it's called other Loving and the Short and it really is a beautiful exploration of
that. Yeah. So I mean a poly breakup, man, I mean
that's like being like, how does monogamous break up work? Like it is
so dependent and my experience poor, Yeah, it's it's never fun. I
think it's like, I think that's a great I think it's like a really
good umbrella way of thinking about it. It's not fun, But there are
as many experiences of that under the sun as there are of monogamous breakups.
Right, depending on who breaks up with who, what is the dynamic between
the multiple people involved? You know, so is one person going to be
primarily affected by that or multiple people going to be primarily affected by that?
You know? Is there a kid again? You know, all all that
stuff. So in my experience, I'll just say in my experience that because
because polyamory, like doing it ethically, requires so much communication along the way
and such a different, such a different way of approaching romantic and sexual love,
right, that carries over into a breakup that's sort of going okay,
So like there are some rules of breakups that are going to apply here,
universal feelings, things of our communication is going to have to be less probably
are you know, like things are going to have to shift and it's going
to be painful for a while. But also I think there's tends to be
more checking in there, tends to be more How are we feeling about things
now? Where do we feel that we're at? Like? Are we doing
this consciously and with generosity for one another? How am I dealing with you
potentially seeing someone else now? You know, from what I have learned about
jealousy in my experience of our polyamorous relationship when we were together, how am
I dealing with that now that we're not and I'm feeling these things? You
know? It just I would say, brings another level of awareness and consciousness
to that process. And I will say that I go more into this in
my personal experience with it on an upcoming episode of the polypodcast that Lauren was
referring to that should come out in January or February. So so yeah,
be on the lookout. I will. I will definitely post about that.
Folks. Can you believe that this is the last episode of the year?
I sure hand, And I'll tell you what New Year's Whether you like New
Year's Eve or you're one of those people who would just as soon stay inside
and not celebrate it, you gotta admit New Year's is the time for fresh
starts, for new beginnings. For dare I say new Year's resolutions? Why
not resolve to treat your butthole better in twenty twenty four than you did in
twenty twenty three. Yeah, you guessed it. I'm talking to you again
about Hello Tushy. I am pleading with you on behalf of your butthole to
make the switch in twenty twenty four if you have not done so already,
Because the thing is, sometimes you need to aim lower to achieve your higher
self. Yeah, I'm talking about butt care. With over one hundred thousand
and five star reviews, see why millions of real pooping humans already love of
the Hello tushy bidet. Every Hello tushy Bidet attachment comes with a thirty day
risk free guarantee and a twelve month warranty. Oh my god, we don't
have to have this discussion again until twelve months from now, a whole year.
Hello tushy bidet is fresh stream of water cleans your bum two times better
than wiping. Even if you use wetwipes, you are still smearing poop around
and introducing nasty chemicals to your butt. On the other hand, using a
Hello tushy bidet prevents poop particles from spreading to your hands and everything you touch.
Also, do y'all know about good bacteria? Are you hip to this?
Because Hello tushy cleans your bum without messing with your bum's good bacteria.
You see, overuse of wet wipes can strip your bottom of its natural oil,
which can lead to irritation and health issues. And look, if I
haven't convinced you already, how about making a New Year's resolution to save money
in twenty twenty four? Because the hellotushibidet, in addition to attaching to your
existing toilet requiring no electricity or additional plumbing, it cuts toilet paper use by
eighty percent, meaning that a hellotushi bidet pays for itself in under a year.
So folks, please take care of yourself from the bottom up this holiday
season and this new year. Visit hellotushy dot com forward slash coming out and
use promo code coming Out for ten percent off your first order. That's hellotushy
dot com slash coming out for ten percent and off once again for good luck.
Hellotushy dot Com slash coming out. Hello Tushy, give your butthole a
fresh start in the new year. So here's another nicole specific question. Uh.
This is from a former guest from Jupiter, one of one of my
former guests, Jupiter. The question is what are some of the challenges as
a queer parent? Obviously this is a broad question, so just anything you
want to highlight or speak to you are you are looking very thoughtful? Oh
man? Okay, Well, there are so many things that I could go
into, and I have to I do have to say that for me,
being a queer parent and being a polyamorous parent are often quite intertwined. So
especially because it's like I have the level of okay, I have a hetero
facing marriage and I know I'm bisexual, right, So like ei, there
are plenty of people in this position who I know and who over the years,
God bless you all have reached out to me and DMed me and been
like, oh my god, I know how this feels to be a bisexual
and feel the erasure and all of that, right, So like yeah,
and that just like continues and is amplified when there is a child involved too,
And now you're not only in a hetero facing marriage or in a heado
facing family. So there's that, and then there is the added layer of
being like, but no, no, I'm also a practicing queer, you
know, like I'm I'm totally and that person is a co parent to my
child. So there is there is. It's an onion. It's an onion.
I'm here, it's a gay onion. So yeah, I mean,
I'll just give this this anecdote, which Lauren knows about. So when several
months back, this was in the spring, I think it was a spring,
I was looking for preschools for Laife, and without going into this too
much but just giving you the bare bones, I checked out a uh like
Lutheran church preschool that was recommended because leife's best friend, like little best friend
from daycare was going there, and so I went to check this out.
And you know, first of all, I went to a church preschool.
And the way the church preschools work, as I'm sure most people don't know
this, right, So a lot of church preschools are separate from the church,
so they they're under the umbrella of the church, but it's almost like
they're renting the space from the church, right, And yeah, so it's
not religious education, right, Well, yeah, a lot of church That
was how my church preschool was. That's how a lot of church preschools are.
And then sometimes there are other ones that are religious education influenced, right,
So that you're going to be like, it's not your substitute or whatever,
No, it's not that said, of course, you know you're going
in paying tuition, You are going to be paying into the church. So
you know, you have to be confident even if it's not totally, even
if it's most and not if it's not religious education, you have to be
okay giving your money to that to that church, right. And the benefit
from a financial standpoint is that because of the nonprofit status of churches, church
preschools are less money than private preschools. Oh, I did not know that.
Something else also, I didn't know until I was in this process,
right, even having gone to a church preschool, I didn't know that.
So yeah, so things to consider anyway, And so I go. This
is the first preschool that I've toured. And I go to this preschool and
I'm I'm going kind of from classroom classroom. It's really adorable. Everything's Safari
themed, you know, like it's really cute. But I'm peeping in the
classrooms and I do see on like the welcome board in every class there's like
a Jesus Loves you or like something like that. Pretty innocuous, but you
know, and even as somebody raised Christian who now identifies as Unitarian, but
like raised Christian, I still I get my hack pulls up a little bit
when when the jay man is is in bat because the exactly because because unfortunately
Jesus teachings have been you know, co opted for the worst by uh some
bad actors in this country specifically, So anyway, so I just always I'm
wary, right, And so as we're continuing on this tour and going through
the different parts of the preschool and then finally into the like chapel of the
church where we met the pastor of the church. I am telling you,
it was like my alarm bells were just going off, like like real like
heart racing kind of like I was like, even though everything they were saying
was right, everything looked great, the program was great, something instinctually was
off. Yeah. And we got into the chapel and I and the pastor
is standing there and there I was touring with a straight couple, And wasn't
it just you? That day literally just happened to be It was only me
because Gustav and Mendola were both working, so I was the only one going
right. And so we're we finished this tour, We're in the chapel,
we're standing there with the pastor, and then this woman who's the director of
the preschool, who was also a church member at this church, at ther
In Church, and they're like, you know, do you guys have any
questions? And I go, oh, here we go. I gotta ask.
I got to ask. And then I was like, so ours is
and LGBTQ family. I didn't even say poly no, that's yeah. You
you want to lay the ground were see how that goes over before you introduced,
before I dropped that bomb, yeah, exactly exactly. So I was
like, you know, we're an LGBTQ family, and I just I just
want to make sure that that, you know, that is something that's that's
accepted here. I think I might have said accepted or embraced. I'm not
sure. I wish, I hope I had the wear with all the same
embrace, but I might have just said accepted. I don't know. I
was very nervous, and yeah, that's terrifying. Yeah, and the as
the clear only only queer person in that space, by the way, and
and the the you know, fifties something woman director of the preschool said,
yes, we've had families like yours before. It's totally fine, you know,
and that that was kind of her, which is like a bit weird
but okay, and the class start but no, I don't die, don't
either. Families like yours is a weird life, yours, And also it's
totally fine, both of those worritings, I'm not in lovely no, no,
no. And then and the pastor who is like a white guy who
looks like he may have just you know, like his voice may have just
dropped last week, like he looks so young. I was like, yeah,
literally, but I think I found out later. I think he's like
thirty, but he he just sort of very succinctly just went yes, that
was it. And so when I tell you that, at that moment,
I like wanted to cry. It was it was yeah. I was like,
something is not right and I and so then we ended the tour.
I walked back outside the street. Couple who was walking with me turned to
me and very nicely were like, I'm so glad you asked that question.
That's important to us. Yeah, you know, thank you for asking.
So that was really lovely of them, right, Yeah, And then I
got in my car and proceeded to burst into tears. Yeah, because I
was like, something is not right, Like the words that I'm hearing are
not matching that my like alarm bells. And so then, as Lauren knows,
I went home and did a ton of research on not just this church,
but on what's called the Synod that they're they're part of, so kind
of the type of Lutheran it is, and lo and behold they accept heavy
air quotes. LGBTQ people because we are all sinners and and as the possibility
of you know, saving them and bringing them back to the life. Yeah,
okay, And I'm not going to go into like the the aftermath of
that, Lauren. As Lauren knows, I actually ended up meeting with the
pastor I called called a meeting and we had a very actually really interesting and
important conversation that was theological conversation and things afterwards. But that's a discussion for
a different time. But needless to say, I did not send life to
my preschool, and you know I was. I mean, I was so
disturbed and I was so I felt so alienated in that room having to ask
that question. I felt angry that that the straight couple was led to believe
something that wasn't true and they were able to take it at face value because
of course, their spidey sense isn't going off because it doesn't have to write
like that. I think is at the core of what it is to be
a queer parent, right, is you have there are different considerations that you
have depending on the space that you are in with your family and where you
are sending your child to school and where your child whose family your child is
hanging out with. We are very fortunate that we live in Los Angeles,
so the default setting is that people are liberal and cool here and perfectly,
you know, fine with all of that. I happened to stumble into a
place that was not right, and that is the I would say, more
of the exception than the rule here, whereas obviously in other parts of the
country it is the rule and not the exception. So like, I have
it relatively easy as a queer parent, and that shit still happens, you
know, and those considerations are still really important. And when I went to
the church preschool that life currently goes to, which is a different denomination and
obviously one that's liberal and does not have religious education attached to it the way
that the other one did, I should have said that that other one also
they did chapel twice a week, like it was different. But yeah,
this one's different. This one I toured with Mandala because really important to me.
To A, I was like, I'm not doing this shit alone anymore,
and then B I was like, I don't want to. I want
this to be no beans about it and see how they treat us. And
they were lovely from top to but there was absolutely bad an e they I
mean, they hadn't even met Gustav nor asked about my husband or something like
that, you know, like they fully until the first time they saw Gustav,
assumed that Mandala was my wife and we were moms in that house.
Yeah, so this school knows that y'all are Polly, I assume if.
Yeah, I mean I think some of the do. They did not know
that that they might be like something's up, so like they know they know
about all three of you. Yes, in terms of life life that's really
cool, you know. Yeah, and all three of us are like on
the form to be able to pick him up for school, and we all
went to his Christmas concert this morning together, you know, Like so that's
the kind of thing where like yeah, and that's how we treat That's how
I mostly try to treat it as I try to not make it a thing.
I try to not verbally come out to the extent that I need to.
I'll just drop it in the conversation, Oh my person, I this
by that, you know, just loosely use the pronouns, use partners in
the plural, and let people figure it out for themselves. But yeah,
but we have you have to be more careful as a parent? You just
do, you just fucking do so. Anyway, there that's my long,
gish story. No, I'm so glad you got to finally talk about that
on the podcast because it happened so recently to your last episode. Then we
and talk about it. But like you said, I knew about it,
and you would always wanted us to talk about it. So I'm so glad
that you finally got to tell that story because I know that was like really
impactful. Anyway, all right, Okay, we have one last more elaborate
question and then we're going to go into our rapid fire round. But this
one, yeah, this one, this again is a is a more general
topic, but we wanted to speak to it. It's it's asking me us
to talk about the specificity it says of being lesbian while being a woman of
color, having a disability, and having autism. So to us, this
falls under the category of just a discussion about intersectionality and when you hold multiple
marginalizations, as is very common for many many people, many people have multiple
identities that are not of the majority, shall we say, and our negotiating
that, and I will point out if you didn't hear it very recently,
just a couple of weeks ago. Uh. Andrew mccaskell, who I had
on the podcast, we talked a lot about intersectionality, specifically in terms of
being out at the workplace. Uh, and as a as a black gay
man. He spoke to that a lot, because it's like you've already got
one thing that you're you're the minority in your workspace, and that you're sort
of navigating what do you want to add the other one on? Like what
do you Yeah, and so I think that was a really good episode for
us talking about that. But yeah, in terms of this question, I
know, Nicole, you wanted to speak to your experience at cons regarding this.
Yeah, So, I mean it I'm sure will come as no surprise
to longtime listeners that neither Lauren Uh nor I are neurodivergent that we know about
now we know of, Yeah, that we know of, yeah right,
I mean, we got plenty of other stuff going on, but like hell
yeah, yeah, but we are not. We do not fall into the
categories of neurodivergent or disabled. So I don't want to claim although I would,
I don't know if I would identify disabled. But I've spoken before about
having a true chronic pain conditions slash chronicess, so I think, yeah,
I think I maybe do have shades of that, but yeah, it all
depends on how you. I am not personally comfortable identifying as disabled because I
have that thing where I'm like, I don't think it's enough disabling. So
that's something I deal with. But I do also say, and have said
on this podcast, I have a chronic pain condition, I have a chronic
illness in yet I don't feel comfortable using the word disabled because I feel like
I get imposter syndrome about the degree to which it affects my life. So
yeah, just a little side tangent that. No, that's a really important
side tangent because there are inevitably a lot of people in that category. So
yeah, yeah, I'm glad Visible disabilities obviously folks that category big time in
percent. Yeah so so, but we but we do not have this particular
cross section of in like this intersectionality, right, so like neither of us
are speaking from personal experience on that. However, as soon as I saw
this, I was like, oh my gosh, is this person and good
company? Because like I am telling you, and now after years of going
to cons, there is such a vibrant community of people with these exact this
exact intersectionality, and so, like I, I find it like so encouraging
and wonderful that that both the Internet and conventions like Queer cons have enabled people
to find community with each other, whether on the spectrum or neurodi virgin in
some other way and those who identifies disabled and and like you, really it's
pretty amazing to see it. So I will say that if you are looking
for a community, oh man, is it out there. Oh and also
this is such a sidebar, but it's something that both Lauren and I really
love, so we'll just say it. Laura and I are both big fans
of Love on the Spectrum. Oh my god, that's just got to come
back. The most beautiful, guileless show that has ever been created. And
it's truly it's amazing the number of times I've had several queer couple, several
queer autistics it is. So it's wonderful. It's like wonderful for that visibility.
And I highly recommend that if you are interested, if you are on
the spectrum and interested in sort of seeing people on your TV who who perhaps
identify the same way, looked a lot on the spectrum. It's fantastic.
I so agree. And also and so I will say, so shout out
to love on the spectrum. Now, what love on the spectrum does not
do quite as well, which is no secret, is most of those folks
are white. So I will use this to segue into speaking to the other
part of this question. Being lesbian and a woman of color, and we
have had many discussions on this podcast about the we are not the queer community
is not exempt from having racism problems. I would be a broad way of
saying it, but I'd say specifically we have spoken to black guests about that,
although I think all queer folks of color. We've had these conversations on
the podcast, and I will say there is now a concerted effort. There
are a lot of spaces that specifically are geared towards queer folks of color that
I prioritize them, or have events that are specifically for them, and in
fact say, hey, this is only for queer folks of color or some
even more specifically black queer folks. I would really recommend getting on the high
or on the QTS email list, which is high qts dot com. You
can sign up for the email list there, but they frequently have events that
are really prioritizing and as I said, sometimes are exclusively for queer people of
color, because we do recognize that this is an ongoing issue in the queer
community as it is and I think all communities. So yeah, I'll speak
to that, and then last one, at least I want to shout out
Zigzag Pride, which is the LA LGBT centers. It's one of our our
community groups, our social groups, and it is for all queer folks who
identify as disabled in some way, shape or form. So again that can
mean any any form of neurodiversity or physical disabilit literally and like I would be
more than welcome there, even though I, as I just spoke about,
have a little trouble using the word disabled, but you know, having a
chronic condition, I would fit into Zigzag Pride. So the definition is very
broad and you don't have to fill No one is vetting you on the degree
to which is just if you feel you belong at Zigzag Pride as someone who
is queer and dealing with disability in some capacity. You are welcome there.
This is a group that traditionally has only met once a month, but we
have now got enough facilitators that it's going to it's going to be meeting twice
a month in twenty twenty four, which is huge. We've been moving towards
that for a long time. So it's going to be the second and fourth
Thursday of every month. It does meet on Zoom, so wherever you are
in the world, you can join in if you're interested. And I'm going
to put all of this info in the show notes. But a question like
this makes me so glad that we do have that group for folks who who
want to meet others in the community who are like them. Ramp yay,
Okay, Oh my gosh, are we okay? We're moving into our rapid
fire questions, And I will say this is rapid fire for us. So
it might not be that rapid because we are at the house, but we're
pretty long winded, but we are we are who we are people and you
have them pulled up to do we want to alternate asking the questions I've been
asking all of them. Do you want to kick it off by reading off
of raety Okay, what parts of gay culture do you think are stereotypically true?
I love this one. I feel like there are a lot the queer
female ones are abundant. The oh my god, the hiking, the birken
stocks, the the folk music loving, the handy around the house. I
don't fall into any of these. I'm useless lasbian, but I feel like
a lot of those, a lot of those are true. And bisexual people
sit weird in chairs. That's a big one too that I think I'm also
sitting weird in a chair right now. So you know the tracks. See,
do you have any favorites that you think are definitely true. I'm going
to say something that is controversial. Hey, Nicole's back, So this is
controversial, but like, bear with me. I I think lesbians tend to
nest, and don't think gay men tend to be promiscuous. And here is
why I need changed or things, because straight women and straight men are that
way and they don't get the permission to do so because they're trying to get
with each other and it's opposite forces. Okay, so I look at like
gay male culture and it is much Gay male culture tends to be much more
sexually open. Right, they're much more sex positive. Right. This is
not to say that every individual is promiscuous or you know whatever, but a
culture, there is truth to the generalization. Yeah, certainly grinder, like
grinder is a grinder. Is like the fact that we have eight billion gay
bars and we can't keep a lesbian bar open to save our god there just
because men are out there cruising more like that's just these are just these are
as soon as women couple up, they don't go out to the bar anymore
because board game night, because it's gamely and and it's time to cuddle,
you know, like this is this is and again this is not because they're
gay. It's because it's it's it's because, in my opinion, streatment would
be doing that if they could, you know, like it is a hundred
percent. If streatmen were like getting the kind of green lights from their desired
their desired sexual partners that gay men are getting, they would be on it
in half a second. So like it has nothing to do in my opinion
with the gay the gay factor. Men are from Mars, women are from
Venus, is what I'm hearing from you. Men are from Mars and women
are from Venus. Yes, I'm very traditional in my beliefs. So that
is that is my uh my big one. That sounds controversial at first,
but is actually really not. As I said, I'm a pragmatise and I
appreciate you. I appreciate you taking the risk that Nicole, what would be
advice you would give to your younger queer self, A little little baby gay
Nicole, little baby by Nicole, don't worry about being the good bisexual.
Fuck oh I love that. Just don't. God damn it. Like other
people's assumptions and slights about bisexuality have nothing to do with you. And if
you try to be some sort of model bisexual in order to in reaction to
like that, in order to mythbust, all you're going to do is like
deny yourself exploration of your own truth, like whatever that truth is. And
that's true of anything, right. You try to be something for to prove
to somebody else, sort of society at large, that you know you're you're
good, you're good, that's only going to lead to repression. And so
uh yeah, that's what I would say is you are nobody's model bisexual.
Uh, you are yourself and just fucking live your life and let everybody make
their assumptions and figure out their own miserable lives. It's okay. I think
I would tell little baby Lauren, Well, I think on a practical level,
i'd say, you are You're not bisexual, you are in that gay
because I do think that after my first queer breakup, I dated and had
experiences with some boys that it would have been better for both of us to
have avoided. So I think I would have been like, don't, don't,
don't waste your time or their time on that. And then I think
generally just just I mean, this is like the boring, typical one.
But like I do remember I've spoken about this on the pod before. I'm
not very religious, but I did used to pray to not be attracted to
girls, and that's like such a shitty thing to think back on that I
did that. So I think i'd be like, don't don't bother God,
what that one. You're gonna love that in a couple of years. God's
like, I'm not want to change it. Yeah, So I think i'd
say, stop stop praying to God to make you not attracted to women.
It's a losing battle, and pretty soon you're not only gonna mind not mind
it, but you're gonna be very enthusiastic about it. Yeah, you're gonna
you're gonna realize that it was it was a gift all along. Yeah,
exactly, exactly. Oh good, okay. So then the next warm we're
true Oh okay, hmm, what does true authenticity mean to you? Oh?
Oh my god, to use them, to use the Mirriam Webster Word
of the Year. Oh my god, do you have a a an answer
loaded up on this one? I feel like I need to think for a
moment. It's really funny. This literally came up the other day. This
is an incredibly expansive question. So authenticity, I think means being in intrinsically
of something not put on in any way. Yes, okay, yeah,
mine is going to be very similar to that. Yeah, intrinsically of somebody,
so intrinsically of a person. When we talk about authentic self, I
think about there's no curation of that, yes, oh my god, yeah,
which is why we get into like, you know, the curate,
the curation of the idea of authenticity or the look of authenticity on like yeah,
like that, I think it's impossible to talk about authenticity nowadays without acknowledging
the existence of social media, because I think that's changed the fundamental concept and
perception of authenticity, you know what I mean. Yeah, it's it's yeah,
it's it's. It has, but it certainly hasn't changed like the actual
Yeah exactly, exactly. Yeah, I think, like, yeah, being
intrinsically and inherently of something, not a curated product of it, right,
yeah, and then okay, and so I'll just tack on because I it
immediately made me think of in authenticity, but in terms of social media.
But I think authenticity. I know it's like wrong or like not ideal to
describe something in terms of what it's not, but whatever, I think,
not projecting something that is the desired uh. I think authenticity is the opposite
of desiring an outcome from people perceiving you. I don't know how to put
that into a non negative but yeah, it's just sort of presenting something yourself
or whatever it is, as it is, as it exists, without the
expectation or desire of it being perceived in a specific way, which is pretty
much what you were saying in terms of curation and all. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, it's tricky. It's a tricky concept, is very tricky.
Yeah, okay, here's one that's not tricky. Do you ever watch TV
shows just because there's queer ladies in it? Because I'm guilty of that.
Oh when I read that, I was like, oh, Lauren, Yeah,
who doesn't I mean that was of course, of course, of course,
yeah, it's like all I watch. Now. We actually a Lindsay's
episode from last week. There's an outtake as we cut a big chunk where
she had asked me if I saw a show, and I was like,
I only watch shows that have queer people in them now, Like that's just
where I'm at in life. And we had a whole discussion about that.
I was like, I went for so long without having hot queer people to
watch on TV. Now that there's an embarrassment of riches, Like, sorry,
if you want to make the cut putt hot queer ladies in your show,
I don't know what to tell you. Oh yes, oh my god,
that's lurious. Yeah. Lauren definitely consumes more queer media than I do.
But that said, like, I'm very critical of shows that don't include
queer people. I'm always like, well, the fuck what's going on?
Like, I'm all comment and how streted is you know? I I there
are certain things where I'm like, oh, I'm going to watch that because
I know it's queer. So yeah, I yes, yes, the answer
is yes. That's a yes. Okay, do you want to do We've
got a couple left. Okay, I will Oh, Okay. Who is
your celebrity crush? Also, that's part A Part B. Who is your
celebrity or real life role model? Oh goodness, okay, this is I
play this one pretty close to the chest. But my celebrity crush is,
in fact, Rachel Vice. I don't know about celebrity or real life role
model. I do feel more like sort of my friends and the people in
my life tend to be more my my role models. Not to be cheesy,
but it is true. But if I had to pick a celebrity one,
I honestly I was thinking about this. I think Fiona Apple is a
big one for me, both creatively and in terms of her She's a great
one for authenticity, oh my god, and has been doing it since like
the nineties, Like just in terms of feminism, social justice, just her
complete lack of presence on social media I really respect. So yeah, I
think Fiona Apple might be up there for me. Yeah, yes, that
is a great one. Well, I have a lot of celebrity crushes.
I guess same, but I just had my big one. I'll give the
one that I was just talking to Mandala about this morning. We were literally
just like looking at her recent Instagram posts being like, oh god, Eva
Green and oh yes I know her Eva Green fall. Eva Green falls into
the category for me, As I said to Mandala, of like, I
genuinely don't know if I want to be with you I'm looking or I just
want to be with you. I want to be with you. I want
to be you or both somehow in some weird universe. Yeah, and that
is my I. So in other words, like I might only have a
girl crush on Eva Green, you know, yeah, I'm looking at photos
a little more fem than you or a little less androgynous than you typically go
for. Yeah. Yeah, so she's like a yeah, a little bit,
a little bit. Yeah, she is definitely like I. I I
just I have so Okay, so maybe we'll put her in the realm of
girl crush because I don't really know if it's I want to be or want
to be with you it it's kind of probably both, but I would say,
like straight up, just like man, I had a crush on May
Martin, because like, yeah, you did a big, big crush on
May Martin, and like talent crush too, like I really really more than
Actually I wasn't actually attracted to them at first. I really wasn't. I
wasn't that like grew with how talented I think they are from watching their show,
but that has since cooled off. And let's see role model real life
role models. Oh me, we can talk acting, but like that's kind
of boring. I mean, if you want to know, like all I
want to do is be Kate Blanchett, fine, like that's it, like
like Kate Blanchette. Like if somebody was like you, your your work is
like Kate Blanchett's, I'd be like, cool, I'm done here, I'm
done, thank you. I can exit now. Yeah. So that's like
that's if we want to talk about that. But like I think in life
role model, which I feel like is more this this question. It's funny
like Mark came to mind for me in a really big way. I love.
Yeah, he's definitely one of them. Yeah, with Mark Montgomery.
Reverend Mark Montgomery like really came to mind. He is he is so smart
and so funny. He is. His spirituality and the way that he thinks
about all of that and his dedication to being a leader in the way that
he is is just so inspiring to me. So that's yeah. Yeah.
Also Elizabeth Warren. Also Elizabeth Warren. Okay, I like this one a
lot. We're almost done, Nicole, do you have a gay bucket list
of gay things to do? Nicole's I dun't know. Moll uh oh,
I'm gonna say something really vulnerable. I don't know about this, but it
is something that really I've realized as of late that I have a I don't
know if it's like a void that feels like it needs to be filled,
or if it's just it's like a longing that I don't know if if I'll
ever feel or it will just kind of exist. But I want a wife.
Wow. You know, Okay, that is an exclusive. Yeah,
it's something I've been really like. Is that a recent realization? Yeah,
I mean it's like that's the thing is It's hard because there's so much that
given my curger, given the fact that I also have the husband and laws
and this kind of I think maybe in all countries, but yeah, yeah,
but I mean but you're not I mean spiritual spirit you know, like,
so you know that would be nice if you know the legal system wasn't
so fucking monogamous anyway, all right, that's another story story. But you
know the reason I say I don't know if this lover come to fruition is
that I also, like, I love my life with my husband too,
and I love what we get to be when we are just the two of
us as well. And I know from personal experience just how hard it is
to be the hinge and being a hinge spouse would be I would imagine even
harder. But so there's a lot to take into consideration in terms of whether
that's on a bucket list in a way where I'm like, it's gonna happen
and I'm gonna make it happen, or is it really what I want in
this in disideration of my life, right, But in terms of like the
long the longing is very much there, if that makes sense. Wow,
Oh I love that. So Okay, mine is less vulnerable, but no
less of a very real longang. I it's funny you just brought up Kate
Blanchat. I want to age into being a Holland Taylor slash Carol type lesbian.
I have a younger life partner. I just I feel like I'm on
the precipice of hitting the age where like I'm gonna get there. That is
just my vibe. I gravitate towards younger women. I just I feel like
I could, within I don't know, like a decade or whatever, like
age into that. And I just think that we'd both be really happy if
I find a girl who also wants that. Agree with you. That's you.
It's my I love how you and I are bucket list. It wasn't
like go on a gay cruise. It was like, oh, it was
like, have somebody agree to the kind of life that I want. Yeah,
well, I mean it's it's a bucket. Last you're allowed to go
to the depths of the bucket. Okay, before we wrap up, I
have one more surprise question. That's just shit. I showed her all the
questions except this one. It is the most important question. It is quote,
is Nicole growing her hair out? Oh my god? The people want
to know it is getting long. There has been no effort to rein it
in what is the next iteration of Nichole's hair. Oh, thank you,
thank you so much for this question. The answer is, yes, I'm
growing my hair out. I have been growing my hair out now now now
I need to put a big aspects on that because because you've had it.
Yeah. Well, first of all, the asterisk is really because I I
am in front of a camera and uh am required with certain characters to look
certain ways, and so sure there is always the possibility that I will have
to cut it again because of a role and the types of roles that I
go in for no surprise, often short hair is benefit, right, So
so I want to just put that caveat out there. If you see me
with short hair again, you will know it was for a role. Is
what I'm going to tell you right now. You booked it. It means
I booked it. Okay, it means it means I booked it. Okay.
Wow, this is I didn't know what the answer to this question is
going to be. Thank you so much to the listener who wrote in this
question, because this is we like TMZ did right at the very end here
I feel like that's a breaking that's breaking news. Okay, y'all. First
of all, they call it this has been such a blast, it's so
hard to have you back. Holy crow. What an end of the year?
What an end of the year? Oh yeah, okay, So the
podcast, so that listeners know the pod will be taking off the next two
weeks. I know that Nicole and I traditionally only take off one week,
but Lauren needs a little bit of a break from doing it. I'll buy
her longestome because it turns out that is a lot of work. So two
weeks off back January third. But I'm not going to leave you totally hanging
h Next week I will be releasing Coming Out Pod. Did a pod swap
with Le's Hangouts, so I'm going to be releasing one of their episodes on
our feed, so there will be something in your feed. And then that
weird week and between Christmas and New Year's that everyone is just like dropped off
the radar. Then nothing all nothing will be released, but you will,
so you'll get something next week. It just won't it won't be a Coming
Out Pot episode. And then back for reels January third. Some very exciting
things for twenty twenty four, including just to tease it, hit me up
at coming Outpod at gmail dot com or at coming Out pot if you have
any questions that you would like to ask a furry And that's all I'm going
to say about that. But I'm also going to say, Nicole, where
can folks find you if they don't already know? Oh, you already know.
I mean Instagram exclusively at Nicole Patient. That's where That's where I am.
That's where I be. That's where I am exclusively for the foreseeable future
because the Internet is burning my brain and so I need to spend as little
time on it as possible. But I am on Instagram, so at an
cool paycent, I will be. I will be announcing all upcoming stuff.
I have two announcements of projects that I cannot announce until the new year,
so be stay tuned for that. And then, as always, stay tuned
for pictures of my child, which I'll be honest have become more popular than
anything I post about me. So wow, I get it. My child
is also my child pro is also more popular than anything I post anything.
I thought it would be the opposite. I thought, people, you have
no gorgeous child. Thank you. Yeah, he's uh, he's a special
little oh ell yeah, just an adorable little munchkin. And y'all know where
to find me in photos of my adorable little munchkin child. I am at
Lauren Flans on Twitter and Blue Sky Lauren Underscore Flans on Instagram. The podcast
is at Coming Out Pod everywhere. The hashtag is hashtag coming Out Pod and
since Nicole is back but just for today, the hashtag is also found Ricky
remember when that happened? And hey also an amazing, thankful, beautiful end
of the year. Shout out to all of the pods patrons, Carmel Caz
Simone, Cayenne, Michelle, l Adrie, Tanya Pooh, Tia, Kieran
Smiley, Aaron Mitchell, Diego, Hernandez and beyond Clexa dot Com and y'all.
This is the last episode of the year. So if if you enjoy
the pod and you've never clicked those five stars on Spotify or iTunes to give
us a five star rating, now is the time to do it. It's
it's goodwill towards all or whatever we say around this time of year. So
yeah, click those five stars and if you want to leave a little review
on iTunes, the little end of the year, a little holiday present for
the podcast. Oh love it, just saying, oh my god, I
think that's it. I think that's it for twenty twenty three. What a
year. Good god, what a year, Nicole. I'm so so glad
you came back to out this. Thank you for asking, Oh my god,
my god. Thank you for saying yes, I would have my pillow
if you'd been like no, I left the podcast. What don't you understand
about I left more? Could you? Could you even imagine? No,
it's not within the realm of possibility. I love y'all. Thank you so
much for listening to this episode and freaking doing to support Lauren in this beautiful
podcast. Have a lovely holiday and a beautiful holiday season, a happy new
Year, and I will see you again on January of the third