WEBVTT 1 00:00:01.520 --> 00:00:05.599 I'm Casey Tanner and I'm Camille Lewis. And this is safe word. Safe 2 00:00:05.639 --> 00:00:09.640 word is like sex therapy unhinged because instead of being a blank slate that's just 3 00:00:09.720 --> 00:00:12.839 here to support you, we're serving up the details on our own sex lives, 4 00:00:12.839 --> 00:00:16.719 relationships, identities, and more. This isn't sex and it's not therapy, 5 00:00:16.879 --> 00:00:20.359 but we are sex therapists and what you hear today may excite you. 6 00:00:20.480 --> 00:00:24.679 Each week we tackle a theme related to sex, relationships, gender and more. 7 00:00:24.960 --> 00:00:57.479 This week we're diving into masturbation. M I miss you, Camille, 8 00:00:57.600 --> 00:01:02.159 I miss you. I feel like I've fairly seen I know it thought each 9 00:01:02.200 --> 00:01:04.120 other when you were in La. Yeah, that was a long time ago. 10 00:01:04.359 --> 00:01:07.280 And we're just having like a very soft warm up back into seeing each 11 00:01:07.280 --> 00:01:12.879 other by sharing our deepest masturbation secrets and moments. Of course, that's on 12 00:01:14.000 --> 00:01:18.079 car for the course. What does this topic make you think about? Oh? 13 00:01:18.120 --> 00:01:22.120 I think only good things. I love masturbation and it's one of my 14 00:01:22.120 --> 00:01:25.439 favorite things to talk about with clients too, and it's also one of my 15 00:01:25.519 --> 00:01:27.560 go to is. Whenever I'm talking to other therapists about what they should talk 16 00:01:27.599 --> 00:01:30.239 to their clients about, I'm always like, what about masturbation? When I'm 17 00:01:30.239 --> 00:01:33.799 feeling stuck with a client, I'm like, have I talked about masturbation yet? 18 00:01:33.840 --> 00:01:37.000 It excites me? I love it. I'm a big fan. I'm 19 00:01:37.000 --> 00:01:42.239 just picturing your superviss like having a client with like some issue that is totally 20 00:01:42.319 --> 00:01:46.560 unrelated to masturbation, and your feedback is did you go over masturbation? Though? 21 00:01:46.879 --> 00:01:49.359 Definitely? I'm like, well, what about self pleasure? And they're 22 00:01:49.359 --> 00:01:51.799 like, yeah, we're talking about trauma. I'm like, it's related. 23 00:01:51.879 --> 00:01:53.760 I mean, it is related. I didn't get to that, speaking of 24 00:01:53.879 --> 00:01:57.280 which, I don't know that. I only think about good things. I 25 00:01:57.480 --> 00:02:01.560 get anxious. I feel anxious into this episode a little bit. I feel 26 00:02:01.560 --> 00:02:06.640 like confident teaching people about masturbation, but I feel like a beginner. I 27 00:02:06.719 --> 00:02:09.120 must have been masturbating for ten years and I still feel like it's fraught for 28 00:02:09.159 --> 00:02:13.199 me. And I'm sure as we go through these questions some of that will 29 00:02:13.240 --> 00:02:16.199 come to the surface. Definitely, I think that that's a really common story, 30 00:02:16.240 --> 00:02:22.240 and May is masturbation month masturbation. May. I'm really excited to dive 31 00:02:22.280 --> 00:02:25.000 in, but I think that your experience is definitely a common one. I 32 00:02:25.120 --> 00:02:30.000 do have a story. Oh yeah, a story about how like a week 33 00:02:30.039 --> 00:02:34.240 ago, two weeks ago, I weaponized masturbation and was a horrible partner. 34 00:02:35.120 --> 00:02:38.199 And so I want to get your thoughts on this. I don't believe I 35 00:02:38.360 --> 00:02:42.840 think about you. Okay, let's go. Okay, So Mal, my 36 00:02:42.919 --> 00:02:45.599 girlfriend and I we wake up in the morning. We'd tend to have a 37 00:02:45.599 --> 00:02:47.840 lot of morning sex, and on this particular morning, she was too busy. 38 00:02:47.879 --> 00:02:52.400 She had a morning meeting, and so she was really sad and really 39 00:02:52.400 --> 00:02:53.759 sad that we could have sex. So she was going to the bathroom to 40 00:02:53.840 --> 00:02:57.599 take her shower, and I was like, hey, Mal, can you 41 00:02:57.639 --> 00:03:00.520 bring me my vibrator? And she was so sad. She was like, 42 00:03:00.919 --> 00:03:05.599 you know, fake sad, because she really supports me masturbating whenever it wants 43 00:03:05.639 --> 00:03:07.800 to know about it. But she was like, how can you ask me 44 00:03:07.879 --> 00:03:12.439 for your vibrator when you know I want to be having sex with you and 45 00:03:12.479 --> 00:03:15.039 I can't be having sex with you because I've got this meeting. So then, 46 00:03:15.039 --> 00:03:17.039 of course, in true like queer relationship fashion, we you know, 47 00:03:17.080 --> 00:03:21.800 she probably canceled her meeting so that we could process this for like an hour 48 00:03:22.039 --> 00:03:24.400 in a better place. Now, I just like, literally wasn't considering how 49 00:03:24.400 --> 00:03:28.240 she would feel about it at all, and she's so supportive, so it's 50 00:03:28.280 --> 00:03:31.080 not about her being like anti me masturbating or anything like that. But it 51 00:03:31.159 --> 00:03:35.400 was a moment of like, yeah, I mean this brings up emotions for 52 00:03:35.439 --> 00:03:38.919 everybody, even when we feel like we're being neutral about it. This can 53 00:03:38.960 --> 00:03:42.479 be a tricky topic. Wait, I'm wondering what makes do you feel like 54 00:03:42.520 --> 00:03:46.039 that made you a terrible partner? That was a massive exaggeration. I don't 55 00:03:46.080 --> 00:03:49.520 feel like a bad partner at all. I think I'm a pretty good partner. 56 00:03:49.520 --> 00:03:51.960 But I think I like to think of myself as somebody that is like 57 00:03:52.000 --> 00:03:55.080 always deeply attuned. And it was a moment where I like totally missed it 58 00:03:55.120 --> 00:03:59.479 and probably was harder on myself than I should have been. Yeah, because 59 00:03:59.479 --> 00:04:01.479 I feel like you were deeply attuned. You were just deeply attuned to you 60 00:04:01.599 --> 00:04:05.840 and in a moment, So okay, okay, I like that framework up. 61 00:04:05.879 --> 00:04:10.000 She probably would agree with that too. As I said, I think 62 00:04:10.000 --> 00:04:13.680 this just makes me anxious, and I'm also so ready to believe that I'm 63 00:04:13.719 --> 00:04:17.160 doing something wrong, even though I've worked so hard around the shame about masturbation. 64 00:04:17.240 --> 00:04:19.920 It's like, yeah, I'm so ready to believe that I'm still doing 65 00:04:19.959 --> 00:04:23.680 something that makes me. You know, I think, based on the questions 66 00:04:23.680 --> 00:04:26.839 we're getting, I'm not the only one. I feel like I've been masturbating 67 00:04:26.879 --> 00:04:30.800 since I was a kid. I have no idea what age. It's interesting 68 00:04:30.800 --> 00:04:35.560 because I used to just purely masturbate by like humping blankets or pillows from the 69 00:04:35.680 --> 00:04:39.879 jump, And I remember I would go to Chicago in the summer and go 70 00:04:39.920 --> 00:04:42.839 to my cousin's house, and her and her mom like had all of the 71 00:04:42.920 --> 00:04:46.120 cable and so when everybody was asleep, I would like sneak into the living 72 00:04:46.199 --> 00:04:49.759 room and watch like Showtime, skin a Max or whatever, and I would 73 00:04:49.800 --> 00:04:51.680 be like, oh my god, this is like the best thing ever. 74 00:04:51.800 --> 00:04:56.800 That was my main mode of masturbation, and it is very, very reliable. 75 00:04:57.000 --> 00:05:00.600 I actually didn't end up buying a vibrator until well into my twenties because 76 00:05:00.600 --> 00:05:03.000 I was like, I don't need one. I just like scrunch up the 77 00:05:03.040 --> 00:05:06.439 blankets and turn onto my stomach and just like go to work. Thirty seconds 78 00:05:06.519 --> 00:05:10.120 later, I'm good. I was very much of the mindset that I didn't 79 00:05:10.160 --> 00:05:13.439 need any sort of toy. Maybe there was some shame wrapped up in that. 80 00:05:13.480 --> 00:05:17.319 I don't know. But when I bought my first vibrator, Cinderella, 81 00:05:17.560 --> 00:05:20.079 now I love it. Now. I love all types of toys and all 82 00:05:20.079 --> 00:05:23.879 types of like self pleasure and play. You know, I've never done like 83 00:05:23.920 --> 00:05:26.920 the shower head. Everybody's always talking about the shower head. Yeah, but 84 00:05:26.959 --> 00:05:30.079 also in like a bath that has those jacuzi jacuzi little bubble things, like, 85 00:05:30.120 --> 00:05:32.959 oh my gosh, people are obsessed with those. I can't relate to 86 00:05:33.000 --> 00:05:36.160 that though, I mean either. And also watching like a bunch of like 87 00:05:36.279 --> 00:05:42.160 lesbian porn and being like I'm straight, huh, okay, you were. 88 00:05:42.319 --> 00:05:46.040 You were a really resourceful kid, Oh for sure, so resourceful. Yeah. 89 00:05:46.199 --> 00:05:49.240 Or like if I'd stayed home for like a sick day and there was 90 00:05:49.279 --> 00:05:55.959 a movie with like a small erotic scene, this is like maybe VHS pause 91 00:05:56.040 --> 00:06:01.720 rewind. I was like all about it, like very small tangent. I 92 00:06:01.800 --> 00:06:05.360 just watched Brokeback Mountain again for the first time in like fifteen years, and 93 00:06:05.399 --> 00:06:08.600 it was bringing me back to when I had a sick day. I was 94 00:06:08.600 --> 00:06:11.959 like engineer high, I like had my parents pay for Brokeback Mountain and like 95 00:06:12.040 --> 00:06:15.160 that's what I watched and I remember one of my parents being like, did 96 00:06:15.240 --> 00:06:19.040 somebody rent Brokeback Mountains, like you know, two thousand and three. I 97 00:06:19.040 --> 00:06:23.399 don't know. I was like, yeah, me, and like nobody thought 98 00:06:23.399 --> 00:06:28.079 twice about that, Like nobody thought twice. I'm sure I was masturbating back. 99 00:06:28.160 --> 00:06:30.480 I don't even know, but yeah, the movies, the movies that 100 00:06:30.519 --> 00:06:32.839 we would watch, and you know, because we would have to buy them, 101 00:06:32.839 --> 00:06:38.079 our parents would always always Oh. Another memory is coming up, is 102 00:06:38.120 --> 00:06:41.199 I used to think that I could get pregnant from masturbating. I don't think. 103 00:06:41.240 --> 00:06:45.439 I don't even think that's so uncommon, like this shitty sex. Of 104 00:06:45.439 --> 00:06:48.040 course you would think that because you know, sex kills and gets you pregnant 105 00:06:48.120 --> 00:06:50.920 and that's all it does. Yep. Oh god. I'd be like, 106 00:06:50.959 --> 00:06:54.079 oh my god, I hope I get my period this month, Like, 107 00:06:54.319 --> 00:06:58.519 yeah, you're you're really not? Oh my god, that's not sometimes, 108 00:06:59.000 --> 00:07:02.519 yeah it was. God, the things we have to live with and be 109 00:07:02.560 --> 00:07:08.120 afraid of that are so fucking far from true. Speaking of first question, 110 00:07:08.240 --> 00:07:13.360 can you damage your body from masturbating too much? Oh? This question makes 111 00:07:13.399 --> 00:07:16.600 me sad. Yeah, this is one of those things that also I feel 112 00:07:16.600 --> 00:07:20.199 like there's going to be a lot of shame in today's episode. This is 113 00:07:20.959 --> 00:07:26.480 totally like a myth that I think that we are told that keeps us from 114 00:07:26.560 --> 00:07:30.079 enjoying pleasure. And it's like, if you do this too much, you're 115 00:07:30.079 --> 00:07:33.439 going to damage your nerves on your clitteris or you won't be able to feel 116 00:07:33.839 --> 00:07:38.160 any other type of sensation if you have a penis, And so I think 117 00:07:38.199 --> 00:07:42.279 that short answer, no, I don't believe. So what do you think? 118 00:07:42.519 --> 00:07:45.879 Yeah, No, any way that you touch your body or someone else's 119 00:07:45.879 --> 00:07:48.319 body, if you do it in an extreme enough way, sure you can 120 00:07:48.399 --> 00:07:53.199 hurt somebody, but that's not specific to masturbation. Think the like follow up 121 00:07:53.279 --> 00:07:56.360 question I often get here is if I masturbate too much, will I not 122 00:07:56.399 --> 00:07:59.560 be able to experience pleasure with a partner? I mean generally no, And 123 00:07:59.560 --> 00:08:03.079 we'll see has come up in these other questions that if you are always masturbating 124 00:08:03.120 --> 00:08:05.360 in the exact same way, at the exact same pace, at the exact 125 00:08:05.360 --> 00:08:09.800 same pressure, in the exact same context, and then you go have sex 126 00:08:09.800 --> 00:08:11.160 with a partner in a different place, with a different kind of touch and 127 00:08:11.199 --> 00:08:16.279 in a different context, then yeah, it may not translate over. That 128 00:08:16.319 --> 00:08:20.040 doesn't mean masturbation has you quote unquote ruined you. It just means you need 129 00:08:20.079 --> 00:08:24.240 to widen your repertoire while masturbating so that when you go to have partnered sex 130 00:08:24.600 --> 00:08:28.560 there's room to incorporate some new sensations. That's such a good point to Your 131 00:08:28.600 --> 00:08:33.320 body gets used to certain sensations, and that is definitely a message. Right. 132 00:08:33.320 --> 00:08:35.559 The more that you get to know yourself and your own body, the 133 00:08:35.600 --> 00:08:39.759 more you can communicate that with your partner. As we talked about in our 134 00:08:39.759 --> 00:08:43.480 first episode, I really struggled to have orgasms with partners. But my knowledge 135 00:08:43.480 --> 00:08:50.120 of myself and my body helps me advocate for it more and helps me achieve 136 00:08:50.159 --> 00:08:52.120 it better. Also, this is going to be a plug for all my 137 00:08:52.159 --> 00:08:56.519 short kings out there. I used to only fuck with tall dudes, and 138 00:08:56.600 --> 00:09:01.639 recently I've been messing with the short guys and they're like committed to the cause 139 00:09:01.799 --> 00:09:05.519 you heard it here. I thought you were going to plug something professional, 140 00:09:05.559 --> 00:09:09.279 but no love for st Yeah yeah, yeah, perfect. A little bit 141 00:09:09.320 --> 00:09:13.240 of a note on washing toys because and this is like actually a confession I 142 00:09:13.240 --> 00:09:16.360 feel a lot of shame about I will use a toy and I'm tired, 143 00:09:16.480 --> 00:09:20.159 right, I've just orgasmed. I'm exhausted. I'm not about to get out 144 00:09:20.159 --> 00:09:22.799 of bed and clean my toy. It's not happening. So I like, 145 00:09:22.919 --> 00:09:26.360 Holly, commit to tomorrow, I'm going to clean it. Yeah, tomorrow. 146 00:09:26.679 --> 00:09:28.960 I'm not horny anymore. I'm not thinking about my toys. I don't 147 00:09:28.000 --> 00:09:33.120 clean it. Days go by, weeks go by. Now I'm horny again. 148 00:09:33.639 --> 00:09:37.360 I don't want to clean it because I want to masturbate. So here 149 00:09:37.360 --> 00:09:39.799 I am using a toy that I haven't cleaned, and then you know, 150 00:09:39.799 --> 00:09:43.000 two days later, I have a yeast infection. So learn from my mistakes. 151 00:09:43.480 --> 00:09:46.679 I'm still trying to learn from my mistakes. It is important to clean 152 00:09:46.679 --> 00:09:50.440 your toys. I don't want to be the bearer of bad news, but 153 00:09:50.679 --> 00:09:56.000 it is. And I also am not the worst. I'm not very good 154 00:09:56.039 --> 00:10:00.759 at this or going to the bathroom after yeah, because it's like especially if 155 00:10:00.759 --> 00:10:05.480 I'm masturbating right before bed. My justification is that sometimes I need a little 156 00:10:05.480 --> 00:10:09.279 bit of like more indirect stimulation, so I will like use my toy over 157 00:10:09.320 --> 00:10:11.919 my underwear and so then I'm like, you don't need to clean that. 158 00:10:13.200 --> 00:10:18.799 Yeah, probably should though, But onto this next question. I want to 159 00:10:18.879 --> 00:10:20.799 learn how to masturbate with my hands, but I always just go for the 160 00:10:20.919 --> 00:10:26.559 vibe. Any thoughts or recommendations for this person. We've talked about this a 161 00:10:26.559 --> 00:10:28.200 little bit in episode one, where I think both you and I Camille were 162 00:10:28.240 --> 00:10:31.559 like, we don't have time for our hands. We just don't have time. 163 00:10:31.799 --> 00:10:35.480 So I mean, I think there are lots of reasons why people might 164 00:10:35.519 --> 00:10:37.840 feel this way. One is, yeah, sometimes a vibrator is just more 165 00:10:37.879 --> 00:10:43.639 effective. Sometimes a vibrator leads to a more intense orgasm. Sometimes when you've 166 00:10:43.639 --> 00:10:46.399 been using a vibrator for your whole life, you just have a little bit 167 00:10:46.399 --> 00:10:50.559 more confidence about how to use it. It feels more comfortable, So that 168 00:10:50.639 --> 00:10:54.279 can very much be part of it. I do think that sometimes, and 169 00:10:54.360 --> 00:10:56.720 this was for a long time true for me, there can be a deeper 170 00:10:56.799 --> 00:11:01.960 layer of like when you are touching your own hands, to your own genitalia 171 00:11:01.039 --> 00:11:05.879 or wherever it is that you like to touch, it can feel really deeply 172 00:11:05.960 --> 00:11:09.360 intimate, and it can bring up shame in ways that sometimes using a toy 173 00:11:09.480 --> 00:11:13.679 doesn't. You're becoming very familiar with the sensations of your body, your own 174 00:11:13.720 --> 00:11:18.720 wetness, your own pubic hair. Perhaps so depending on how you feel about 175 00:11:18.720 --> 00:11:22.000 your body what you've been raised to believe about masturbation. I do think it's 176 00:11:22.000 --> 00:11:26.320 worth asking the question, is it about efficiency and comfort or is there maybe 177 00:11:26.320 --> 00:11:31.919 more to this story? For me? That's a really good point. I've 178 00:11:31.960 --> 00:11:35.639 never been the person who goes for her hands. And also like I have 179 00:11:35.720 --> 00:11:39.960 point to acrylic nails, which isn't great especially for like internal simulation. Also, 180 00:11:41.039 --> 00:11:45.039 I feel like it makes me appear super straight working on that. I 181 00:11:45.080 --> 00:11:48.399 think also i'd be curious for this person is what is the emphasis or the 182 00:11:48.480 --> 00:11:52.480 desire to learn how to do it with your hands? And is it okay 183 00:11:52.639 --> 00:11:56.600 if you prefer vibrators, is it okay if you prefer different types of toys, 184 00:11:56.639 --> 00:12:01.720 different types of touch and stimulation. And also that masturbation is an exploratory 185 00:12:01.720 --> 00:12:05.559 thing forever, and so it doesn't have to be like this is the only 186 00:12:05.559 --> 00:12:07.320 way that you do it forever. This is how I prefer to do it 187 00:12:07.399 --> 00:12:11.519 now, and this is most efficient for me. And maybe when I have 188 00:12:11.679 --> 00:12:13.679 time and I have like you know, a Friday afternoon and no meetings, 189 00:12:13.759 --> 00:12:16.840 I can just kind of like play around a bit without the goal being I 190 00:12:16.919 --> 00:12:22.799 need to come. That's an amazing point. If you're somebody that is able 191 00:12:22.840 --> 00:12:26.120 to orgasm with a vibrator, but you're struggling to orgasm with a partner, 192 00:12:26.159 --> 00:12:28.840 and that's something that's important to you. This might be something to look at 193 00:12:30.240 --> 00:12:33.600 like if you're only ever coming from a vibrator. For me, like, 194 00:12:33.600 --> 00:12:37.000 one of the ways that I made my transition from only masturbating with a vibrator, 195 00:12:37.080 --> 00:12:39.799 never masturbating with a partner, to being able to masturbate from the touch 196 00:12:41.080 --> 00:12:45.080 of a partner was getting comfortable with my own hands and my own touch and 197 00:12:45.120 --> 00:12:48.240 getting my body familiar with a little bit less intensity than a vibrator can offer, 198 00:12:48.399 --> 00:12:52.360 and that helped my transition over again, that's only because masturbating from my 199 00:12:52.440 --> 00:12:56.320 partner's touch was really important to me, and that is not necessarily true for 200 00:12:56.360 --> 00:13:01.519 everybody. Yeah, now I have a homework assign I was kind of thinking 201 00:13:01.559 --> 00:13:03.879 that I didn't want to say it explicitly, but for the try. Oh 202 00:13:05.000 --> 00:13:07.759 man, you're gonna bench Cinderella. Okay, she will always be there for 203 00:13:07.840 --> 00:13:13.960 you, Thank God. Okay, what do you think about this? When 204 00:13:13.000 --> 00:13:18.080 strategies to change up a seemingly boring routine. This is also one of my 205 00:13:18.080 --> 00:13:24.200 favorite things to talk about with clients is figuring out what about it feels routine 206 00:13:24.279 --> 00:13:26.440 to them, And I think that there's like something really important about routine. 207 00:13:26.519 --> 00:13:31.840 I think that it can be feel like ritual, it can feel like grounding, 208 00:13:31.360 --> 00:13:35.360 and I think that switching it up can be really helpful to get to 209 00:13:35.399 --> 00:13:41.000 know different parts of you. So I typically masturbate at night with porn right 210 00:13:41.000 --> 00:13:43.000 before bed, but like a few weeks ago, I was masturbating, like 211 00:13:43.120 --> 00:13:46.840 on the couch in the middle of the day, and I was like, 212 00:13:46.120 --> 00:13:50.159 look at me, like I was feeling, like really, I was feeling 213 00:13:50.159 --> 00:13:52.320 myself in that moment. So I think that even that allows you to get 214 00:13:52.360 --> 00:13:56.960 more in touch with yourself, and it also allows you to be a little 215 00:13:56.000 --> 00:14:00.679 bit more creative with partners. You might be used to having sex at the 216 00:14:00.720 --> 00:14:03.840 same time and doing the same positions or whatever for your own self pleasure. 217 00:14:03.879 --> 00:14:07.639 You can realize, wow, I'm I'm stressed, or I'm horny, or 218 00:14:07.679 --> 00:14:11.600 I'm bored before I get out of bed in the morning, in the afternoon, 219 00:14:11.639 --> 00:14:13.480 between meetings, like all of these things are super valid, And so 220 00:14:13.679 --> 00:14:18.120 the strategy here would be just to make it part of your goal, Like 221 00:14:18.200 --> 00:14:22.960 I want to switch up my masturbation routine one time this week or this month. 222 00:14:22.960 --> 00:14:24.879 I love that, Like, it doesn't have to be every day I'm 223 00:14:24.879 --> 00:14:28.240 doing a different thing. Even if I tried the one thing that's new this 224 00:14:28.279 --> 00:14:31.360 month, that's enough. I totally agree. Like shifting the scenery is so 225 00:14:31.519 --> 00:14:35.399 huge, shifting the time of day. I like recently got into maserating in 226 00:14:35.440 --> 00:14:39.519 the shower standing up. That's a really interesting experience. I also think, 227 00:14:39.559 --> 00:14:43.240 like, if you're always masturbating on your back, try masturbating on your stomach. 228 00:14:43.240 --> 00:14:48.879 Try Camille's blanket technique, right, Like, try masurating on different things. 229 00:14:48.200 --> 00:14:52.480 Oh yeah. The other thing that I got so curious about recently and 230 00:14:52.639 --> 00:14:54.159 was kind of fun, is like what if I don't touch myself at all? 231 00:14:54.200 --> 00:14:58.200 And I literally just tappened my breath and my pelvic floor. That was 232 00:14:58.240 --> 00:15:03.279 a wild experience that made me feel like I had a superpower. That's after 233 00:15:03.360 --> 00:15:07.279 a lot of reading about how to do that. Okay, you're gonna have 234 00:15:07.320 --> 00:15:09.000 to share a couple of those tips. Don't just tell us that you have 235 00:15:09.080 --> 00:15:13.120 the information. I can try. I can try. Okay, I'm opening 236 00:15:13.120 --> 00:15:16.679 the opening the gates for you. Okay, Well, do you know what 237 00:15:16.679 --> 00:15:20.159 a keigle is? Yeah? Every time you hear the word keigle, you 238 00:15:20.240 --> 00:15:22.879 do one. I was going to say, should we do a couple right 239 00:15:22.919 --> 00:15:26.120 now? Yeah, we're talking, Okay. Do you feel how it kind 240 00:15:26.120 --> 00:15:30.840 of starts to activate your clitteris? Yeah, it like kind of starts to 241 00:15:30.879 --> 00:15:33.679 turn you on. Right, You're like activating the same exact muscles that get 242 00:15:33.759 --> 00:15:37.480 activated when you're masturbating or having sex. Right, So it makes sense that 243 00:15:37.559 --> 00:15:39.840 over time they would start to swell up. You're getting the blood flow. 244 00:15:41.559 --> 00:15:45.480 People do orgasm this way. Now, if you also like time your breath 245 00:15:45.519 --> 00:15:48.200 with it, and you sort of breathe out as you clench, and you 246 00:15:48.240 --> 00:15:52.679 slow your breath down, and you do this ten to twenty minutes, I 247 00:15:52.720 --> 00:15:56.399 swear to you you will be closer to orgasm than when you started. I 248 00:15:56.399 --> 00:15:58.639 know that's like not such a high promise, but I will also do that 249 00:15:58.720 --> 00:16:03.519 same thing when my partner is going down on me or touching me during sex, 250 00:16:03.720 --> 00:16:06.480 and it gets me closer to orgasm faster. For me, the most 251 00:16:06.480 --> 00:16:10.399 powerful thing about it has just been like, oh, I have this influence 252 00:16:10.440 --> 00:16:14.240 over my body even without touching myself, Like that is wild, sort of 253 00:16:14.279 --> 00:16:18.000 like orgasming from the inside out. But yeah, I highly recommend. I 254 00:16:18.039 --> 00:16:22.120 love that it reminds me also of my friend who I mentioned I think in 255 00:16:22.159 --> 00:16:26.399 another episode who can come by squeezing her thighs together. It's like embodied or 256 00:16:26.440 --> 00:16:30.159 somebody who loves talking about masturbation so much. I have like several homework because 257 00:16:30.200 --> 00:16:33.440 I'm coming out of this so I'm thrilled about real quick. For those of 258 00:16:33.440 --> 00:16:37.840 you who don't know, the best way I've heard this described is if you 259 00:16:37.879 --> 00:16:41.720 think about the way that you clench your muscles your pelvic floor when you're trying 260 00:16:41.759 --> 00:16:44.799 not to pee or when you're like trying to stop the stream of PA. 261 00:16:45.399 --> 00:16:48.039 It's the same thing that's a key goal. I feel like when you're playing 262 00:16:48.080 --> 00:16:51.039 around with key goals more if you can feel like the back of your body 263 00:16:51.039 --> 00:16:53.480 towards more of the front towards the glitters, just like sit around and like 264 00:16:53.600 --> 00:16:57.360 it takes some time to develop awareness of the pelvic floor, like most of 265 00:16:57.440 --> 00:17:02.240 us never learned like shoulders, knees toes, pelvic floor right, So like 266 00:17:02.279 --> 00:17:06.039 I think as adults, most of us are trying to figure out what can 267 00:17:06.079 --> 00:17:12.960 you imagine my kids will be doing? So we love a strong pelvic floor. 268 00:17:14.039 --> 00:17:18.839 Okay, this person wants to know how to overcome troubles masturbating after a 269 00:17:18.880 --> 00:17:23.039 breakup. They say that they cannot stop thinking about their ex. My question 270 00:17:23.039 --> 00:17:26.839 would be like, is this a bad thing? Like I don't know, 271 00:17:26.960 --> 00:17:29.920 Like there's a breakup, you want to get over the right I experience it 272 00:17:30.000 --> 00:17:33.400 as an intrusive thought. I do not want to be thinking about this person. 273 00:17:33.519 --> 00:17:34.680 And honestly, the more I don't want to be, the more they're 274 00:17:34.799 --> 00:17:37.960 popping in my head. And maybe it's a past sexual encounter I had with 275 00:17:38.039 --> 00:17:42.119 them. I mean, the worst intrusive thought during masturbation about an AX is 276 00:17:42.160 --> 00:17:47.960 like imagining them having sex with somebody else. Oh it's horrible, It's so 277 00:17:48.000 --> 00:17:51.680 painful, and I don't want it. It does not turn me on. 278 00:17:52.039 --> 00:17:55.319 And some people do fantasize about their exes and it does turn them on, 279 00:17:55.359 --> 00:17:57.039 and that that's cool for you. But I think this person is coming from 280 00:17:57.279 --> 00:18:00.599 the place that I'm coming from, which is like the last thing I want 281 00:18:00.720 --> 00:18:04.759 when I am like trying to focus on what feels good, is like somebody 282 00:18:04.799 --> 00:18:10.440 that just brings up sadness and pain. Like Step one for me was understanding 283 00:18:10.480 --> 00:18:12.519 them as an intruse of that and not something that was my fault or that 284 00:18:12.559 --> 00:18:17.680 I secretly wanted or that I was intentionally doing. No, I don't know 285 00:18:17.759 --> 00:18:19.359 you. Maybe you do want those things, and maybe that is what's coming 286 00:18:19.400 --> 00:18:22.680 up for you, but it certainly doesn't have to mean that. Something that 287 00:18:22.799 --> 00:18:30.319 I have also tried recently is masturbating with somebody on FaceTime. So like me 288 00:18:30.440 --> 00:18:34.119 masturbating and them masturbating and like watching each other. That was super hot too. 289 00:18:34.119 --> 00:18:37.640 But I love what you were saying, Casey, just about the fluidity 290 00:18:37.680 --> 00:18:41.279 of it. You can touch, you cannot touch, You can be side 291 00:18:41.279 --> 00:18:44.640 by side, you could you could film each other, you could take pictures 292 00:18:44.680 --> 00:18:48.599 of each other, you could record each other audio. I like that too. 293 00:18:48.680 --> 00:18:52.640 I like a good audio clip. We think of maybe masturbation as touching 294 00:18:52.640 --> 00:18:56.559 yourself until orgasm, but it could just be touching yourself in self pleasure or 295 00:18:56.599 --> 00:19:00.799 touching the other person without that the goal of it, all right, And 296 00:19:00.839 --> 00:19:03.480 I think also that brings up a good point, which is that sometimes the 297 00:19:03.559 --> 00:19:07.640 line between partnered sex and masturbation are a bit blurred, right, Like, 298 00:19:07.680 --> 00:19:11.759 there's not necessarily like a moment where maybe one stops and one begins because you're 299 00:19:11.799 --> 00:19:18.480 incorporating self touch, doesn't necessarily automatically make it masturbation or vice versa, so 300 00:19:18.519 --> 00:19:22.680 we also don't have to like delineate it. So concretely agreed, I really 301 00:19:22.680 --> 00:19:25.480 relate to this one. How do you not feel bad if your pet is 302 00:19:25.480 --> 00:19:29.799 in the room? You have Hella pets? Tell me how to not feel 303 00:19:29.799 --> 00:19:32.759 bad when my pets are in the room. No, they're not getting hurt, 304 00:19:33.000 --> 00:19:36.720 Like I don't think they're disturbed, But it is when one of them 305 00:19:36.799 --> 00:19:40.000 comes up on the boat and starts to touch me that I'm like, I 306 00:19:40.039 --> 00:19:42.119 can't anymore, like this is this is over now? Or I'm just like 307 00:19:42.200 --> 00:19:45.599 pushing in them away and pushing them away and pushing them away, and then 308 00:19:45.599 --> 00:19:48.039 I'm like, this is no longer heronic for me. I mean, you're 309 00:19:48.079 --> 00:19:51.839 not hurting your pet by masturbating with them in the room, so you can 310 00:19:51.880 --> 00:19:55.440 remind yourself of that. You might also be someone that when you're like cats 311 00:19:55.640 --> 00:19:59.759 or dogs big eyes are looking at you lovingly, that that might just not 312 00:19:59.799 --> 00:20:02.640 be a context for you and you might need to just pop them outside the 313 00:20:02.640 --> 00:20:06.279 door. And that's okay. My ex had a dog who was obsessed with 314 00:20:06.400 --> 00:20:10.240 and he is a tiny little pug and anytime that me and my ex would 315 00:20:10.240 --> 00:20:12.400 be hooking up on the couch. The dog would just be like sitting like 316 00:20:12.519 --> 00:20:17.039 right there. Sometimes mal and I will be in bed and the three cats 317 00:20:17.039 --> 00:20:21.279 will be around us, and we'll start having sex. They will sprint to 318 00:20:21.319 --> 00:20:23.640 the other room and they will go sit outside the door. It's as if 319 00:20:23.680 --> 00:20:26.839 they're like, all right, moms, yeah, we're gonna give you your 320 00:20:26.839 --> 00:20:30.839 privacy. The minute we're done, they're back, so they know they know 321 00:20:30.960 --> 00:20:36.400 what's happening. You have such a tuned kitty. They love it. Do 322 00:20:36.119 --> 00:20:40.480 I do? Well? What about this one? How do you feel about 323 00:20:40.519 --> 00:20:45.680 a parent buying their preteen a sex toy for safe use? Yea or nay? 324 00:20:47.559 --> 00:20:51.200 This is an interesting question. I feel fine about it. Interesting more 325 00:20:51.200 --> 00:20:56.559 people are talking about sex and desire and curiosity, the better that it sounds 326 00:20:56.640 --> 00:21:00.319 like maybe this parent and their preteen have a relationship where they're talking about these 327 00:21:00.319 --> 00:21:03.519 sort of things. I really would have loved being able to talk to one 328 00:21:03.559 --> 00:21:10.519 of my parents about my blanket humping or something like that, or just like 329 00:21:10.559 --> 00:21:12.519 the fact that I was doing this and the fact that I wasn't getting pregnant 330 00:21:12.559 --> 00:21:17.599 from it or anything like that. So a dialogue that allows you to connect 331 00:21:17.599 --> 00:21:22.640 with a parent or a child and talk about desire is really beautiful because kids 332 00:21:22.079 --> 00:21:26.000 have sexuality, and kids have curiosity, and kids get horny, and so 333 00:21:26.319 --> 00:21:29.880 I love this idea, and I do think it's sort of all about the 334 00:21:29.920 --> 00:21:33.799 way that you present it to your kid, right, Like there are so 335 00:21:33.799 --> 00:21:36.839 many options. Do you leave it a little wrapped on the bed for them 336 00:21:36.880 --> 00:21:40.839 to find on their own. Do you sit down with them and watch them 337 00:21:40.880 --> 00:21:44.079 unrapid do you explain to them what it is and what it's for, Like 338 00:21:44.160 --> 00:21:47.480 so many different ways to do it. I do think that allowing your kids 339 00:21:47.519 --> 00:21:52.079 to retain some privacy around their sexuality while still demonstrating that you're supportive of it 340 00:21:52.119 --> 00:21:56.240 and you view it as healthy is really important. And maybe even before you 341 00:21:56.279 --> 00:22:00.640 buy the toy, you have a conversation around it. That's like some people 342 00:22:00.680 --> 00:22:03.960 love using this. I'm vennoing you forty bucks whatever it is. If you 343 00:22:04.000 --> 00:22:07.640 want to use it for a vibrator, I support that. If you want 344 00:22:07.680 --> 00:22:11.319 to go out to dinner, I support that too. Like that basically sort 345 00:22:11.319 --> 00:22:14.119 of demonstrating, like can set an autonomy even through the way that you talk 346 00:22:14.160 --> 00:22:17.640 about it. But for me, I came across my mom's vibrators when I 347 00:22:17.680 --> 00:22:18.720 was a kid, and I didn't know what they were, what to do 348 00:22:18.759 --> 00:22:22.519 any of that. So to think that kids and preteens are not being exposed 349 00:22:22.519 --> 00:22:26.279 to this, I think is a bit delusional. And as parents and caregivers 350 00:22:26.480 --> 00:22:30.720 you do have a choice about like giving them the opportunity to be exposed to 351 00:22:30.720 --> 00:22:33.599 it in a way that's actually accurate. So big fan of that. I 352 00:22:33.680 --> 00:22:36.160 love all of what you just said. Also, it's weird. I've never 353 00:22:36.240 --> 00:22:41.200 like stumbled across my mom's vibrators, so I don't even know. She either 354 00:22:41.279 --> 00:22:45.160 did a really good job hiding them or maybe maybe didn't have Yeah, yeah, 355 00:22:45.240 --> 00:22:48.799 yeah, yeah, let's see this question says I'm more likely to feel 356 00:22:48.839 --> 00:22:53.079 sad or upset after I'm masturbating. What's up postcoital tree? Stay? Is 357 00:22:53.119 --> 00:22:57.440 that what it's called? No, but the sads, the sads. This 358 00:22:57.480 --> 00:23:00.559 is a real thing. This isn't some wrong with you as an individual. 359 00:23:00.720 --> 00:23:04.640 This is very very common, and science is behind on researching why exactly this 360 00:23:04.680 --> 00:23:07.640 happens. But some of the ideas I've read about are, you know, 361 00:23:07.799 --> 00:23:11.240 sort of like a woco's up must come down thing, You know, if 362 00:23:11.240 --> 00:23:14.400 you've just enjoyed a really beautiful meal, or you've just had great sex, 363 00:23:14.480 --> 00:23:17.279 or you just had a great masturbation experience. It makes sense that when it's 364 00:23:17.319 --> 00:23:19.279 over, you're kind of bummed. This thing you and we're looking forward to 365 00:23:19.440 --> 00:23:23.400 is over now. There's also evidence that there may be some biological hormonal pieces 366 00:23:23.440 --> 00:23:30.119 to this. Certainly, masturbating and orgasming can complete what's called the stress response 367 00:23:30.119 --> 00:23:33.400 cycle and help us sort of like move through fight or flight and release motion 368 00:23:33.440 --> 00:23:37.640 and release feeling. Honestly, this isn't a bad thing necessarily. This might 369 00:23:37.680 --> 00:23:42.119 be an opportunity your body is taking to really feel the things that it needs 370 00:23:42.119 --> 00:23:45.480 to feel and give itself permission to do that. But this is very much 371 00:23:45.480 --> 00:23:51.400 a phenomenon that is not uncommon. I've definitely experienced it before, and it 372 00:23:51.440 --> 00:23:55.880 gets like also the body finding balance. Sometimes after you orgasm with a partner, 373 00:23:55.920 --> 00:23:59.799 you might really feel like you don't want to be touched, or you 374 00:24:00.079 --> 00:24:03.160 feel like in this moment prior you were so connected and you wanted them to 375 00:24:03.240 --> 00:24:07.200 like live inside your body, and now you're like, please get away from 376 00:24:07.200 --> 00:24:10.559 me. So I think that it's just kind of like looking at the impulses 377 00:24:10.599 --> 00:24:15.079 that our body sometimes has. That also maybe there's not like a really concrete 378 00:24:15.160 --> 00:24:18.839 explanation for maybe sometimes it's just like you aren't alone. A lot of people 379 00:24:18.920 --> 00:24:22.279 experiences and there's nothing wrong with you. M yeah, So this is our 380 00:24:22.359 --> 00:24:26.839 last question. This person said, I struggle justifying making time to masturbate. 381 00:24:27.000 --> 00:24:33.200 How can I stop feeling guilty for quote unquote wasting time? Oh, with 382 00:24:33.240 --> 00:24:38.039 the two of us in our like efficiency based masturbation, I'm really in the 383 00:24:38.079 --> 00:24:42.759 process of unlearning the concept of wasting time. I don't think that it exists. 384 00:24:42.880 --> 00:24:47.039 I think that time is a construct and all of that. But like 385 00:24:47.200 --> 00:24:52.759 I think that rest, sleep, pleasure, eating, napping, laying down 386 00:24:52.759 --> 00:24:56.119 in a starfish position, which is what I do when I'm feeling overwhelmed, 387 00:24:56.240 --> 00:25:00.359 that's not I've seen it. I can attest to that. That is using 388 00:25:00.359 --> 00:25:04.400 your time in ways that feel good to you. It's just not a waste 389 00:25:04.400 --> 00:25:07.839 to feel pleasure in your body. It's not a waste to connect with yourself. 390 00:25:08.079 --> 00:25:14.039 Internalized capitalism that tells us that we need to be being quote unquote productive, 391 00:25:14.119 --> 00:25:17.599 We need to be contributing, we need to be responding to something. 392 00:25:17.640 --> 00:25:18.839 We need to be able to at the end of our day. Look at 393 00:25:18.880 --> 00:25:22.839 all the things that we have done. And I think that if we were 394 00:25:22.839 --> 00:25:26.759 to categorize joy, pleasure, and rest as part of things that feel like 395 00:25:26.880 --> 00:25:30.079 it adds to our day rather than takes away from it, we could be 396 00:25:30.440 --> 00:25:33.519 rejecting a lot of these harmful narratives and notions. It's also worth doing a 397 00:25:33.559 --> 00:25:37.559 little bit of a deep dive into the very real benefits of masturbation, the 398 00:25:37.680 --> 00:25:42.160 very real biological benefits, the very real relational benefits, because even beyond it 399 00:25:42.279 --> 00:25:48.200 being playful and pleasure oriented and RESTful, it's not a neutral activity. It's 400 00:25:48.240 --> 00:25:52.240 also our culture sex phobia, where like we don't call certain things wasting time, 401 00:25:52.279 --> 00:25:56.079 but we call things related to sex wasting time. And it's like, 402 00:25:56.119 --> 00:25:57.920 you know, is it wasting time to go have a three hour dinner with 403 00:25:57.960 --> 00:26:00.680 your friends? We don't really say that's a waste of time? What are 404 00:26:00.680 --> 00:26:06.039 these sort of strange again, double standards that we have for productivity? MM? 405 00:26:06.680 --> 00:26:10.279 Love that all right? Thanks everybody? These were incredible questions. No, 406 00:26:10.480 --> 00:26:14.200 I had so much fun. This is another one that we feel like 407 00:26:14.519 --> 00:26:18.160 we can have a part to Part two to come. This week's safe word 408 00:26:18.640 --> 00:26:25.519 is mango and was suggested by see Thank you for the suggestion and I Love 409 00:26:25.599 --> 00:26:29.880 Mangoes. Safe Word is hosted by Casey Tanner and Camille Lewis and is produced 410 00:26:29.880 --> 00:26:33.400 by coordinator Annie Failey. Our theme song is written and performed by Emma Jane 411 00:26:33.400 --> 00:26:37.319 and Toria Rainey. Each week we put a question box out on Instagram giving 412 00:26:37.359 --> 00:26:40.680 you the opportunity to ask for advice on the topic a end. You can 413 00:26:40.720 --> 00:26:44.200 also ask your question or submit a safe Word of the week via our website, 414 00:26:44.519 --> 00:26:48.319 the expansive group dot com slash safe Word. That's the expansive group dot 415 00:26:48.400 --> 00:26:53.119 com slash safe word, or behind the scenes look at safford and podcast updates. 416 00:26:53.279 --> 00:26:57.440 Find us on Instagram, TikTok and YouTube at safe Word Pod.