WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.280 --> 00:00:06.599 The opinions expressed by Chayo Busquets are supported by his extensive experience as a family 2 00:00:07.000 --> 00:00:12.560 therapist and in the previous analysis of the cases presented here welcome. This is 3 00:00:12.679 --> 00:00:21.000 Chayo with you. At Joya we start very good afternoon to everyone how are 4 00:00:21.079 --> 00:00:26.760 Chayo Busquets. This is Chayo with you and we are already and now he 5 00:00:26.760 --> 00:00:31.079 is. It is plural why we have invited, as you well know, 6 00:00:31.399 --> 00:00:35.079 a topic that I started to announce to you since last week and that, 7 00:00:35.520 --> 00:00:41.159 well, started to generate emails messages of all kinds, because, then, 8 00:00:41.679 --> 00:00:44.159 it is a hot topic. It' s a hot topic. Let' 9 00:00:44.240 --> 00:00:49.560 s talk about infidelity today. Thanks to Mariano for the microphone pass and well, 10 00:00:49.880 --> 00:00:53.640 let' s talk, like I said with Tatitron. You guys already 11 00:00:53.679 --> 00:00:58.000 know her. We' ve had shows with her, our Friday segment what, 12 00:00:58.039 --> 00:01:03.439 well, she' s got a big answer and today she' s 13 00:01:03.439 --> 00:01:07.760 with us. She is a couple' s therapist and individual therapist, of 14 00:01:08.319 --> 00:01:12.599 course, and well, she has eight for hundreds of years of experience in 15 00:01:12.719 --> 00:01:17.719 these, in these subjects and that' s why she' s the one 16 00:01:17.879 --> 00:01:18.040 who' s in charge of this, this, this, this, this, 17 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 18 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 19 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 20 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 21 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 22 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 23 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 24 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 25 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 26 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 27 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 28 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 29 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 30 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 31 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 32 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 33 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 34 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 35 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 36 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 37 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 38 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 39 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 40 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 41 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 42 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 43 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 44 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 45 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 46 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:18.040 this, this, this, this, this, this, this, this, 47 00:01:18.040 --> 00:01:21.840 this, Welcome. Thanks for inviting me back. You don' t 48 00:01:21.959 --> 00:01:25.879 know, you know, you' re already from home here We' ll 49 00:01:25.959 --> 00:01:27.079 have you all year long if life doesn' t allow them there. That 50 00:01:27.079 --> 00:01:33.040 ' s true. You said one thing, you told him this is a 51 00:01:33.040 --> 00:01:38.400 hot topic, no yes, and associating that one, that' s that 52 00:01:38.480 --> 00:01:44.120 word with the inetivity and the heat of the discussion, with the anger that 53 00:01:44.280 --> 00:01:49.280 happens, with the devastation of the revelation of secrets, finding it, etcetera. 54 00:01:52.799 --> 00:01:55.640 We' re talking about infidelity. Yeah, what' s very curious 55 00:01:55.680 --> 00:02:00.400 is the same word. Yes, infidelity comes from having faith. So, 56 00:02:00.599 --> 00:02:07.079 infidelities to have the definition, is to have faith that the other is going 57 00:02:07.359 --> 00:02:10.159 to be the right thing within the contact that we have. That would be 58 00:02:10.360 --> 00:02:19.240 fidelity. Faithfulness and infidelity do. You don' t expect, then, 59 00:02:19.560 --> 00:02:23.960 to honor that contract that was made, although today, in the two thousand 60 00:02:23.960 --> 00:02:30.080 twenty- four, yes, I would like to ask exactly what is infidelity 61 00:02:30.120 --> 00:02:34.039 for whom and for each couple. No, when you start the relationship, 62 00:02:34.400 --> 00:02:37.680 it' s not like I don' t want you to cheat on me 63 00:02:37.680 --> 00:02:42.599 or we are. We understand that we are going to have emotional exclusivity and 64 00:02:42.680 --> 00:02:46.520 we are going to have body and sexual exclusivity, etcetera. No, but 65 00:02:46.560 --> 00:02:53.840 within this word exclusivity is not that it is really what is excluded. Let 66 00:02:53.960 --> 00:03:00.599 us understand specifically why you start to see and problem arise when we have sat 67 00:03:00.639 --> 00:03:05.840 down to talk about it is how it looks, where it is, how 68 00:03:05.840 --> 00:03:10.240 it is. Because there are in certain that we can say, there are 69 00:03:10.360 --> 00:03:15.240 certain cultures where flirting is valid. The flirtation is valid. For others, 70 00:03:15.360 --> 00:03:20.840 that would be like a breakup, etcetera. But when I ask the couples 71 00:03:20.840 --> 00:03:25.120 is you talked about it, you talked about it a two- three times 72 00:03:25.159 --> 00:03:29.879 to agree on what it would look like, what the example would be, 73 00:03:30.639 --> 00:03:34.039 and so on. And many tell me yes and no. No. Yes 74 00:03:34.120 --> 00:03:40.039 and no, and since, as you know perfectly well, they see and 75 00:03:40.159 --> 00:03:45.879 know perfectly well the listeners that I am from another generation where the phone, 76 00:03:46.120 --> 00:03:47.319 the networks and all that would not be seen. There wasn' t. 77 00:03:47.719 --> 00:03:55.719 So the definition of infidelity was easier than it is now. Not that if 78 00:03:55.800 --> 00:04:01.159 infidelities, that one of the two has the opportunity to watch pornography, that 79 00:04:01.280 --> 00:04:06.639 if one excludes the famous sexting, not with one, that if one can 80 00:04:06.759 --> 00:04:13.879 make a kind of virtual relationship without having presence, there is a whole series 81 00:04:13.919 --> 00:04:20.480 of things that did not exist before, not thanks to networks or badly by 82 00:04:20.480 --> 00:04:25.319 networks, Etcetera where one does not find out, and also through networks, 83 00:04:25.439 --> 00:04:29.360 one is in access with people that we did not know, rather that we 84 00:04:29.439 --> 00:04:31.920 did not know, that we stopped seeing the boyfriend, the friend, etcetera. 85 00:04:32.600 --> 00:04:39.600 Then we get back in touch. You have a little excitement, because 86 00:04:39.639 --> 00:04:45.639 it' s something new. Then let' s begin to define what it 87 00:04:45.759 --> 00:04:48.399 is in general, for each of us it means something, but what it 88 00:04:48.480 --> 00:04:53.480 means in our partner as well and there are various kinds of infidelities. We 89 00:04:53.480 --> 00:04:57.040 are not going to keep anything else in infidelity, which has to do with 90 00:04:57.160 --> 00:05:00.199 the body, which has to do with sexuality, but it also has to 91 00:05:00.279 --> 00:05:09.800 do with emotion, with what we had decided was our field. No. 92 00:05:10.000 --> 00:05:14.959 Our field is who comes in and who comes out and how. Not what 93 00:05:15.040 --> 00:05:19.439 you' re talking about. And recently a lady from Chihuahua tells me that 94 00:05:19.680 --> 00:05:25.800 she is having one that has been in one for a long time in a 95 00:05:25.959 --> 00:05:31.800 phone relationship with a man not where they pour out their conversational life, their 96 00:05:31.839 --> 00:05:36.839 fears, conversational, their tastes, etcetera. And clearly, it' s 97 00:05:38.199 --> 00:05:42.600 something hidden from her husband, that hidden then, from the moment it' 98 00:05:43.000 --> 00:05:46.800 s hidden, from the moment it' s clandestine, from the moment it 99 00:05:47.519 --> 00:05:49.639 becomes secret and there' s something that' s not right. No ok, 100 00:05:49.920 --> 00:05:54.560 because you can have your friends, or you can have your friends within 101 00:05:54.600 --> 00:06:00.319 this freedom, within human rights, within civil rights e. But one thing 102 00:06:00.560 --> 00:06:03.160 is that he' s a friend, he' s turning into something else, 103 00:06:03.519 --> 00:06:08.920 no, where you' re going to be excluded. Excluded well, 104 00:06:09.079 --> 00:06:12.480 not exactly. It' s not hear I want to go with my guys, 105 00:06:12.720 --> 00:06:14.920 because it' s so much more fun. I want to be with 106 00:06:14.920 --> 00:06:18.639 my friends, not that, but it' s open. So I do 107 00:06:18.839 --> 00:06:27.680 ask if they were talking about what is defined because if it doesn' t 108 00:06:27.800 --> 00:06:32.800 break easily that' s the way it is and Tari with what you were 109 00:06:32.800 --> 00:06:36.800 saying in the previous segment. I was thinking about two things that aren' 110 00:06:36.800 --> 00:06:42.560 t going to be new to the audience, because I' ve mentioned it 111 00:06:42.560 --> 00:06:47.639 many times here. The question of where infidelity begins for everyone who does not. 112 00:06:48.639 --> 00:06:58.079 And the other thing I often say here is if we had the cultural 113 00:06:58.279 --> 00:07:06.160 permission not to promise fidelity in the rites of marriage, if you would incorporate 114 00:07:06.399 --> 00:07:11.639 it as part of your vows or leave it outside, because, because they 115 00:07:11.680 --> 00:07:17.199 are already done. Not anymore, those vows, those rituals are already pre 116 00:07:17.319 --> 00:07:20.839 - fabricated and you just have to say it accepted no good, so you 117 00:07:20.920 --> 00:07:26.759 know if you have a clear awareness of what it is that you are accepting 118 00:07:27.000 --> 00:07:30.079 and saying totally promise to be faithful, because it sounds, sounds, sounds, 119 00:07:30.199 --> 00:07:33.160 cute, yeah, sure, nice theme. If I hadn' t 120 00:07:33.199 --> 00:07:36.240 put this there, I wouldn' t. If one would say yes, 121 00:07:36.279 --> 00:07:41.399 we want no, whether we want to put it as part of our votes 122 00:07:41.399 --> 00:07:45.279 or not. And it' s very curious because when I answered it, 123 00:07:45.480 --> 00:07:49.279 I answered it. I asked about social media. Some answer yes. Yeah. 124 00:07:49.360 --> 00:07:50.879 Yeah? Yeah? Yeah? Yes, of course, of course, 125 00:07:51.040 --> 00:07:55.879 of course, of course. But those who would say they don' t 126 00:07:55.920 --> 00:07:59.519 do it on the wall that everyone sees write me in private and tell me 127 00:07:59.639 --> 00:08:01.199 not the truth. Not me. No. I think there' s monogamy. 128 00:08:01.639 --> 00:08:03.959 No, no. I think that no more mind to the couples of 129 00:08:03.959 --> 00:08:09.920 the problem, but the funny thing is that they don' t expose it 130 00:08:09.959 --> 00:08:13.759 in the public part where everyone could see the messages send it in private in 131 00:08:13.800 --> 00:08:16.839 answers that I can only see. I don' t, and that part 132 00:08:16.879 --> 00:08:20.160 is very curious, well, but it' s also very curious, because 133 00:08:20.240 --> 00:08:26.000 let' s accept that, in general there' s no judgment, there 134 00:08:26.279 --> 00:08:31.000 ' s no criticism that if she' s a woman and she' s 135 00:08:31.080 --> 00:08:37.600 going to say I want to have something open, well, then, then 136 00:08:37.639 --> 00:08:41.200 she' s going to be pointed out as a dissolute woman, not a 137 00:08:41.200 --> 00:08:41.799 four- letter woman, four- finned or light helmets, etcetera. If 138 00:08:41.879 --> 00:08:46.399 I were a man, there might be a different vision, not about that, 139 00:08:46.000 --> 00:08:48.679 but if you read it your partner, who knows exactly what he thinks 140 00:08:48.879 --> 00:08:54.399 then those things as they are rather more delicate, not delicate today, and 141 00:08:54.480 --> 00:09:00.000 not I don' t mean it' s a new movement. This also 142 00:09:00.120 --> 00:09:03.440 exists well the infidelity inside the swingers. Let' s agree. We disagree. 143 00:09:03.840 --> 00:09:09.600 That' s another thing. Everyone has their degree of morality Surely, 144 00:09:09.840 --> 00:09:15.440 now I' d like to make a small difference with a word. Not 145 00:09:15.720 --> 00:09:20.519 where the word adultery is. Yes, adultery that in some countries is punishable, 146 00:09:20.720 --> 00:09:26.799 which has to do with a sexual act, yes, while infidelity has 147 00:09:26.840 --> 00:09:33.759 to do with a betrayal within this contract of trust, of closeness to what 148 00:09:33.879 --> 00:09:41.480 we share and what we do not. So there are places where being a 149 00:09:41.759 --> 00:09:48.159 man, an adulterous woman can cause your life. However, have an affective 150 00:09:48.200 --> 00:09:58.919 relationship, without having sexual issues or body sections. For some people it is 151 00:09:58.000 --> 00:10:03.120 also infidelity. Why, because there' s something you' re giving to 152 00:10:03.159 --> 00:10:07.440 the other one that we missed in principle belonged to you. Not to me 153 00:10:07.720 --> 00:10:11.039 alone, and the word belongs, for perhaps it is not the right one, 154 00:10:11.200 --> 00:10:13.399 no, because then it has as possessiveness, et cetera. But it 155 00:10:13.480 --> 00:10:20.720 ' s from our realm here and I' m trying to get the couples 156 00:10:20.840 --> 00:10:24.879 to come, not in the case that, in fact, there was a 157 00:10:24.000 --> 00:10:26.919 breakup, a betrayal. It' s not clear that at that moment I 158 00:10:26.919 --> 00:10:31.360 can' t do it, but it' s and when they talked about 159 00:10:31.679 --> 00:10:35.360 it and when it started to break and you just said one thing here is 160 00:10:35.360 --> 00:10:39.720 where it starts, where it starts. I wonder if where it starts is 161 00:10:39.759 --> 00:10:45.759 when the other one realizes or where it starts when I' m going to 162 00:10:45.840 --> 00:10:50.200 break up. The contract. Yeah, I' m still in a half 163 00:10:50.519 --> 00:10:54.480 - grey place, which I' m not sure if I am or if 164 00:10:54.519 --> 00:10:58.240 I am, but there' s something that excites me, there' s 165 00:10:58.240 --> 00:11:01.279 something that draws my attention. No and at the same time you should ask 166 00:11:01.720 --> 00:11:09.679 yourself if infidelities a night of drinks and something happens, then it' s 167 00:11:09.720 --> 00:11:13.919 infidelity or it' s a slip or something happens. There are couples who 168 00:11:13.000 --> 00:11:20.879 have very particular rules where you have permission to the best of what they call 169 00:11:20.879 --> 00:11:24.600 it, they call it having a pass. If it' s 300 kilometers 170 00:11:24.720 --> 00:11:28.679 from this area, there are others that have to do with. If I 171 00:11:28.759 --> 00:11:33.440 go on vacation, you can, but all these everything I' m asking 172 00:11:33.519 --> 00:11:37.799 you, I' m telling you. It' s contracts, whether you 173 00:11:37.840 --> 00:11:43.360 can agree with yourself or not. But if that couple agrees, then it 174 00:11:43.399 --> 00:11:48.720 ' s not infidelity. If it would be infidelity as for example, it 175 00:11:48.759 --> 00:11:54.480 is you broke the contract of being with someone if it is here where we 176 00:11:54.039 --> 00:12:00.000 live or within the hundred kilometers we had not left that it had to be 177 00:12:00.000 --> 00:12:05.120 three hundred that is for example, because where Veracruz, Veracruz, Chihuahua, 178 00:12:05.559 --> 00:12:09.720 where no one knows us, where there is not going to be a rebound, 179 00:12:11.159 --> 00:12:13.799 then that is very particular of each of the couples. This is how 180 00:12:13.919 --> 00:12:18.159 I see it and how it turns out to be done in the consultation. 181 00:12:22.720 --> 00:12:26.639 The word infidelity also happens, well, a lot happens in the workplace, 182 00:12:26.759 --> 00:12:33.679 in the workplace where you can start with a flirting suddenly a pretext that I 183 00:12:33.000 --> 00:12:41.759 need to go to the office, I need to have a meeting. There 184 00:12:41.879 --> 00:12:48.440 ' s something that line is starting to disappear. I' m not so 185 00:12:48.720 --> 00:12:54.320 clear when the one who' s going to do it if he realizes it 186 00:12:54.360 --> 00:12:56.799 because he says ay no well, it' s never a small experience. 187 00:12:56.840 --> 00:13:03.120 But since you know that things happen to us not necessarily under our will, 188 00:13:03.480 --> 00:13:09.039 but all of a sudden it starts to pick up speed and let' s 189 00:13:09.519 --> 00:13:16.120 go and we left and we don' t even know where we came to 190 00:13:16.120 --> 00:13:20.279 see. In general, and in a very simplistic way, I have been 191 00:13:20.559 --> 00:13:24.720 able to notice in the office and here with the incoming emails, which end 192 00:13:24.759 --> 00:13:31.679 up being like two great types of people, those that those of us who 193 00:13:31.679 --> 00:13:37.399 are not just talking about men, that it is a lifestyle to be unfaithful, 194 00:13:37.639 --> 00:13:41.120 and those who truly believe in fidelity and yet suddenly stumbled into life. 195 00:13:43.519 --> 00:13:48.559 Not good, good that you can put where the intention is not to share 196 00:13:50.240 --> 00:13:54.399 life with a person. No, and we can all get a resvalon. 197 00:13:56.399 --> 00:14:00.799 Nothing more than there are slips that are more expensive from the emotional point of 198 00:14:00.879 --> 00:14:07.039 view of the relationship than other king one that I would like to touch is 199 00:14:07.120 --> 00:14:09.279 ex- boyfriends and ex- girlfriends. No, I don' t. 200 00:14:09.360 --> 00:14:15.440 He' s the ex- boyfriend from when you were fifteen, sixteen, 201 00:14:15.759 --> 00:14:18.440 seventeen, who might have been a sweaty little hand, but he gave you 202 00:14:18.440 --> 00:14:22.279 an emotion that' s a kid, teen emotion. Well, maybe they 203 00:14:22.360 --> 00:14:28.360 ' re allowed. However, if you know, if you know there' 204 00:14:28.519 --> 00:14:33.919 s some sort of arrest that was very attractive to the other and there' 205 00:14:33.960 --> 00:14:39.320 s a question of sexual tension, et cetera, that force you to accept 206 00:14:39.320 --> 00:14:45.399 that woe. But that' s an ex- girlfriend. It includes that 207 00:14:45.440 --> 00:14:50.679 you are not listening to me where it does cause me something about my feelings 208 00:14:50.799 --> 00:14:56.480 and then it would have to do with your lack of respect for what is 209 00:14:56.480 --> 00:15:03.279 happening to me today within our bond. It causes me anguish knowing that there 210 00:15:03.399 --> 00:15:07.559 were these as passions or these intensities. There are boyfriends to girlfriends, there 211 00:15:09.360 --> 00:15:13.960 are no, there are certain things that are totally different. You may have 212 00:15:13.039 --> 00:15:18.759 had a boyfriend or a girlfriend for a year, but that wasn' t 213 00:15:18.879 --> 00:15:22.919 as intense as, for example, the one that was three months, but 214 00:15:22.960 --> 00:15:33.360 it was of a beastly intensity, where there was a full sexuality, where 215 00:15:33.519 --> 00:15:37.559 there were things that didn' t always disappear. Then you force the couple 216 00:15:37.759 --> 00:15:43.320 to accept. He' s not my ex- boyfriend and it' s 217 00:15:43.320 --> 00:15:48.840 over. It' s over. I' d have to ask myself It 218 00:15:48.840 --> 00:15:52.240 really happened. There are no ones where you know if you feel, whether 219 00:15:52.320 --> 00:15:58.159 there is or not, regardless of the personal jealousy issue that some have, 220 00:15:58.080 --> 00:16:02.919 because, as you know and surely have talked about it many, jealousy too 221 00:16:02.960 --> 00:16:07.919 I ask is there a basis of jealousy prior to the relationship or jealousy is 222 00:16:08.080 --> 00:16:14.480 born yes from a breakup or a transgression that there was, because one is 223 00:16:14.559 --> 00:16:19.799 a result of something and the other had already something base And something basic, 224 00:16:21.000 --> 00:16:26.960 as they have said many times, has to do with what the bond is 225 00:16:26.000 --> 00:16:30.120 not safe, how we grew up at home, what we saw between the 226 00:16:30.240 --> 00:16:40.240 couple. Not to be sure that the other is for you and the other 227 00:16:40.919 --> 00:16:44.159 is a reaction, a reaction to what did happen at some point, regardless 228 00:16:44.200 --> 00:16:48.240 of whether we can speak at another time of jealousy, what is control, 229 00:16:48.279 --> 00:16:53.000 belonging, etcetera. Yeah, there' s something left. When there was 230 00:16:53.200 --> 00:17:00.120 a breaking of boundaries, then it gives me myeditis. No yes, yes 231 00:17:00.720 --> 00:17:04.880 and I would say a question with which I would like us to return back 232 00:17:04.920 --> 00:17:17.920 from court and it is really a couple who lived a crisis of infidelity seriously 233 00:17:18.000 --> 00:17:26.039 can fully recover and return to the previous state, or that distrust stays and 234 00:17:26.119 --> 00:17:32.799 always the rest of the life of that relationship. I left you Tari and 235 00:17:32.839 --> 00:17:37.480 with the real question a couple may be able to recover from an infidelity. 236 00:17:40.200 --> 00:17:45.759 It really recovers and returns where it was in what I have observed. If 237 00:17:45.839 --> 00:17:52.720 you' re telling me to recover to ninety- five percent and one hundred 238 00:17:52.839 --> 00:17:57.319 percent, well I say that. Those things are so lame to think about, 239 00:17:57.680 --> 00:18:03.640 but there' s not always anything left. Reconstruction, rebuilding of confidence 240 00:18:03.920 --> 00:18:11.359 takes a long time and should also put here in this segment the kind of 241 00:18:11.119 --> 00:18:18.720 infidelity that there was or did not That is also very important. That' 242 00:18:18.799 --> 00:18:25.079 s not just infidelity. Let' s say with someone at work that someone 243 00:18:25.079 --> 00:18:32.799 in your family will see to be more explicit. That time it' s 244 00:18:33.400 --> 00:18:37.480 the cousin, or the brother, or the best friend, or the best 245 00:18:37.640 --> 00:18:45.319 friend, because that' s a we' ve formed a question of intimacy 246 00:18:45.400 --> 00:18:52.359 and I do see that there are people who totally spread out where they have 247 00:18:52.400 --> 00:18:56.079 a relationship with the sister or the husband' s brother. Then there is 248 00:18:56.160 --> 00:19:00.799 a betrayal, not only family, double, but double not and apart from 249 00:19:00.880 --> 00:19:04.920 that of the same clan, that is, the whole clan. And that 250 00:19:04.960 --> 00:19:10.160 infidelity is, in my view, totally different than if it were someone who 251 00:19:10.400 --> 00:19:18.680 was not necessarily in our inner circle, in that part of the circle of 252 00:19:18.759 --> 00:19:22.319 the person who committed the exactly already. And there' s also another thing, 253 00:19:22.920 --> 00:19:30.000 it' s the kind of infidelities. How long this takes And this 254 00:19:30.960 --> 00:19:36.200 word, which takes a long time to fashion the famous gast lighting that is 255 00:19:37.839 --> 00:19:41.480 in front of which I ask you whether or not. You tell me no. 256 00:19:41.680 --> 00:19:47.119 That' s lying, not omitting, is not telling you what I 257 00:19:47.680 --> 00:19:51.759 ' m saying and falsifying is you' re crazy or you' re not 258 00:19:51.759 --> 00:19:56.160 crazy. And that' s where that kind of infidelity is very harsh, 259 00:19:56.039 --> 00:20:02.359 because the other one intends to make you doubt your own perceptions. And that 260 00:20:02.400 --> 00:20:06.279 ' s it. Canyon, now, cannon, because then it has to 261 00:20:06.359 --> 00:20:10.319 do with your own being right now that you said you denied. I' 262 00:20:10.400 --> 00:20:14.240 ve heard it and heard it more from men. He doesn' t mean 263 00:20:14.279 --> 00:20:17.319 there aren' t any women who say it, but I, personally, 264 00:20:17.640 --> 00:20:22.559 have heard it more from men when your wife or your partner, because no 265 00:20:22.599 --> 00:20:27.279 matter what kind of relationship he' s in, he starts to suspect and 266 00:20:27.519 --> 00:20:32.480 he tells you and they' ve told him and he has all your deny 267 00:20:32.480 --> 00:20:33.759 it to death. Ah well, but that' s very, very, 268 00:20:34.240 --> 00:20:37.960 very where it comes from. Ah well, but that' s from the 269 00:20:37.039 --> 00:20:42.680 male contract, that male canant has been in your deny it, even if 270 00:20:42.720 --> 00:20:45.039 they see you on the spot, on the jump, on the poll spot, 271 00:20:45.359 --> 00:20:47.359 it' s not what it is. Apart from this, it' 272 00:20:47.400 --> 00:20:49.960 s not what it looks like, et cetera, because that' s something 273 00:20:49.960 --> 00:20:53.319 already popular. What is it, what is it that within the mentality of 274 00:20:53.359 --> 00:21:00.319 quates, of the masculine is said and pushed and what is within the world 275 00:21:00.359 --> 00:21:06.440 of women. It' s not that it' s half allowed or not, 276 00:21:07.160 --> 00:21:10.519 so you deny it because it becomes very complex, that is, for 277 00:21:10.519 --> 00:21:15.039 some reason. You' re with a male couple who have this philosophy of 278 00:21:15.039 --> 00:21:19.680 life. No, and even though I didn' t fake you, as 279 00:21:19.799 --> 00:21:25.160 you said about you being crazy, of course not, of course it' 280 00:21:25.160 --> 00:21:30.920 s not true at all, I would never be unable and then always end 281 00:21:30.920 --> 00:21:34.599 up with this constant doubt. Okay, there' s a mess there, 282 00:21:37.079 --> 00:21:41.559 because I trust you, I ask you, because I' m going to 283 00:21:41.559 --> 00:21:48.599 trust your answer, and what I would expect from this delicate moment is that 284 00:21:48.599 --> 00:21:52.359 you' re clear to tell me yes, yes, this is happening to 285 00:21:52.359 --> 00:21:53.440 me no, but you' re telling me no. There are two possibilities. 286 00:21:53.440 --> 00:21:57.960 Whether he' s not true or he' s not there' s 287 00:21:59.200 --> 00:22:00.599 still so much to pay for. If I know this, I' d 288 00:22:00.640 --> 00:22:04.400 better say no and maybe I' ll stop doing it, because ching already 289 00:22:04.480 --> 00:22:08.799 felt very close to the situation and better stop it because this is getting dangerous, 290 00:22:08.920 --> 00:22:12.559 but he won' t keep holding it. And it never happened and 291 00:22:12.599 --> 00:22:18.319 it never happened past the other one I didn' t fake because I treated 292 00:22:18.440 --> 00:22:21.960 you with respect at that time, let' s say, but he' 293 00:22:21.960 --> 00:22:25.480 s hiding it. No, but before your vision, you, as a 294 00:22:25.599 --> 00:22:27.920 woman or as the couple who is with this man, tell you that no 295 00:22:29.000 --> 00:22:33.559 and look and I would really be incapable and at all I love you and 296 00:22:33.559 --> 00:22:37.079 no, because apparently you are treating the question with respect and seriousness. Not 297 00:22:37.160 --> 00:22:41.279 the one who answers you, you' re crazy, no, that' 298 00:22:41.279 --> 00:22:45.400 s dead. There I am clearly right or wrong, because the matter is 299 00:22:45.440 --> 00:22:49.599 already being further decomposed. But he who is apparently treating you with respect, 300 00:22:51.920 --> 00:22:56.519 who is making it seem that he is giving seriousness to the question to others 301 00:22:56.559 --> 00:23:02.279 but there is always he will have denied, because there is too much involved 302 00:23:02.279 --> 00:23:07.799 if he had said yes, and then how you live. With that let 303 00:23:07.839 --> 00:23:12.920 ' s go back to this that you commented I trust You, or if 304 00:23:14.039 --> 00:23:17.680 I have an internal basis of jealousy, it' s that from the beginning 305 00:23:17.720 --> 00:23:18.160 I don' t trust You and I don' t trust Me. No, 306 00:23:18.160 --> 00:23:19.960 I don' t trust me, I don' t trust the relationship. 307 00:23:21.119 --> 00:23:26.119 That is a huge problem and very different from the one I start to 308 00:23:26.200 --> 00:23:32.519 distrust, because yes, I start to see things and feel things. Not 309 00:23:32.799 --> 00:23:37.519 that this is going to come out of the pattern. This is not something. 310 00:23:37.960 --> 00:23:42.759 And other things that happen a lot within evil is that they send you 311 00:23:42.799 --> 00:23:48.240 little messages. Not that to help you, it is to open your eyes, 312 00:23:48.680 --> 00:23:51.799 to open your eyes, and I tell you good, for what right 313 00:23:51.839 --> 00:23:53.039 do you have to open your eyes? And I have them closed, because 314 00:23:53.519 --> 00:24:00.079 I prefer to keep them closed. This one to see resumes a little what 315 00:23:59.920 --> 00:24:03.400 you were saying. Not the one who has a jealousy basis I never trust 316 00:24:03.440 --> 00:24:07.599 in the relationship, although it seems not yes, but it is a personal 317 00:24:07.599 --> 00:24:11.119 problem. It' s a personal problem, as I was saying, it 318 00:24:11.160 --> 00:24:15.079 has to do with his own story and his stories of ties, security, 319 00:24:15.079 --> 00:24:18.599 etcetera. No ok also has with the idea of belonging that if this is 320 00:24:18.720 --> 00:24:26.519 mine and and it is quite difficult when you start a relationship, when you 321 00:24:26.519 --> 00:24:32.640 base and you already have that plus everything that implies that we can do another 322 00:24:33.359 --> 00:24:37.720 talk, another program on another program. But I' d just like to 323 00:24:37.759 --> 00:24:45.200 leave it to the listeners that that' s also a jealousy cellus from before 324 00:24:45.319 --> 00:24:48.720 is to have a beta where you alone hurt yourself and that beta. I 325 00:24:48.799 --> 00:24:53.359 think we can talk about self- harm, of course. But, well, 326 00:24:53.599 --> 00:24:56.400 we left him here, we walked away like this. Now you' 327 00:24:56.400 --> 00:25:03.039 re telling me, there' s the other one where jealousy starts from changes 328 00:25:03.039 --> 00:25:04.400 that you start to see and you say to see. This isn' t 329 00:25:04.400 --> 00:25:07.640 right, this doesn' t go so well, not to see. There 330 00:25:07.880 --> 00:25:14.319 are no true, there are certain patterns of relationship, there are certain schedules 331 00:25:14.319 --> 00:25:18.480 that are happening. Not the unconscious, too. First, no, but 332 00:25:18.519 --> 00:25:22.359 then, as we say, the conscious is unconscious and little by little. 333 00:25:22.839 --> 00:25:26.359 But there is also something else that I find interesting, where man or woman 334 00:25:26.519 --> 00:25:33.559 are accused. It' s how you didn' t see him and then 335 00:25:33.559 --> 00:25:34.960 I' m back to this. It' s how I' m gonna 336 00:25:36.000 --> 00:25:38.119 see something I don' t conceive of if it doesn' t exist in 337 00:25:38.119 --> 00:25:41.839 my head. I don' t see it. It' s not that 338 00:25:41.920 --> 00:25:44.799 easy, it' s not like you deny it. No. So, 339 00:25:44.920 --> 00:25:48.160 apart from everyone who paints your horn, you' re a brute. Yes, 340 00:25:48.319 --> 00:25:52.759 not because you denied it on the way, regardless of the unconscious denial 341 00:25:52.920 --> 00:25:56.720 that we know is the denial of this other. If I can' t 342 00:25:56.839 --> 00:26:03.920 conceive that it can in him or in her and it can exist. Of 343 00:26:03.000 --> 00:26:06.599 course I won' t see him, of course I won' t see 344 00:26:06.599 --> 00:26:10.839 him. I' m going to give others, other explanations, songs, 345 00:26:11.839 --> 00:26:15.519 no, and then it turns. But this is through time, not asking 346 00:26:15.640 --> 00:26:22.400 you, not asking you, not having the courage, also saying yes is 347 00:26:22.400 --> 00:26:30.079 happening to me, understanding that you' re playing it, knowing if the 348 00:26:30.160 --> 00:26:33.559 other one is going to be finally honest and all saying if something is happening, 349 00:26:33.799 --> 00:26:37.799 so there, when something is happening, it' s a big disappointment, 350 00:26:38.759 --> 00:26:45.519 but at the same time it' s a quietness that this I felt 351 00:26:45.000 --> 00:26:49.519 knew was happening. No. I mean, no, I' m not 352 00:26:49.559 --> 00:26:52.000 that bad. What' s like the answer of you' re crazy, 353 00:26:52.200 --> 00:26:56.119 you' re crazy, you' re not leaving to complete the p And 354 00:26:56.400 --> 00:27:02.319 that' s when we say the false yes, then how difficult this topic 355 00:27:02.319 --> 00:27:07.119 is. No, why is there emotion, because there are examples. Not 356 00:27:07.319 --> 00:27:10.920 to say it happened at home. No, yeah, it was dad, 357 00:27:10.920 --> 00:27:12.839 yeah, it was moms, and it was grandpa, if it was my 358 00:27:12.920 --> 00:27:15.960 cousins, if it was brother, no, who has the most right. 359 00:27:17.359 --> 00:27:22.119 This and another thing I do want to put here. I want to put 360 00:27:22.480 --> 00:27:26.759 here is the one who decides to be unfaithful. That' s totally your 361 00:27:26.759 --> 00:27:30.519 decision. You can' t blame your partner. Is that why you didn 362 00:27:30.559 --> 00:27:33.880 ' t listen to me? Why not? Why weren' t you there? 363 00:27:34.079 --> 00:27:37.599 No, it' s not what we can talk about. This is 364 00:27:37.720 --> 00:27:42.519 what happens between us that maybe we didn' t board, we weren' 365 00:27:42.599 --> 00:27:48.720 t talking about it on YouTube, but that you made me guilty of your 366 00:27:48.720 --> 00:27:53.119 decision there, not anymore, and many men and women say ah if I 367 00:27:53.119 --> 00:27:56.480 had done this, maybe they wouldn' t paint my horns. Don' 368 00:27:56.480 --> 00:28:02.400 t stop. Let' s put the responsibility right where it is. It 369 00:28:02.559 --> 00:28:06.039 ' s not. Yes, we cooperate on many things, but we cooperate 370 00:28:06.119 --> 00:28:11.920 on this gap we cooperate on feeling that we are not so important that you 371 00:28:11.960 --> 00:28:15.960 are not one of my priorities. Yeah, we cooperate, but the other 372 00:28:15.000 --> 00:28:18.359 one is a decision. It can' t have been a slip. Yeah, 373 00:28:18.440 --> 00:28:22.400 yeah, yeah, we can all get there, whatever it is in 374 00:28:22.519 --> 00:28:26.519 other areas of life, but it' s another thing that it' s 375 00:28:26.640 --> 00:28:29.920 a slip and I decide to go on because I' m unbalanced or not. 376 00:28:30.240 --> 00:28:33.240 Okay, yeah, okay, and that' s something else. Okay, 377 00:28:33.440 --> 00:28:36.680 yeah, yeah, there may be, but it' s next. 378 00:28:36.799 --> 00:28:41.240 Or next is that one. Then I say to the listeners and predominantly to 379 00:28:41.279 --> 00:28:48.680 the women, because since we are the guardians of marriage, not matrimony, 380 00:28:48.359 --> 00:28:53.160 as we had matric silver and mater not this, we feel more than what 381 00:28:53.200 --> 00:29:00.680 happens and can distinguish it. Not this, I mean, we came back 382 00:29:00.799 --> 00:29:04.519 with more chayo with you and well, the program is gone, it' 383 00:29:04.599 --> 00:29:11.160 s gone flying and I don' t want to, although I know it 384 00:29:11.279 --> 00:29:15.839 ' s very extensive, but I don' t want to leave without asking 385 00:29:15.839 --> 00:29:19.440 you this question comment. Anyway, this idea that I also think is here 386 00:29:19.480 --> 00:29:26.920 again I' ve heard more about women than men. If he really loved 387 00:29:26.079 --> 00:29:30.200 me, he wouldn' t have cheated on me. Not that easy? 388 00:29:32.359 --> 00:29:37.319 Just like that? It' s not black or white, it' s 389 00:29:37.359 --> 00:29:40.599 not if he doesn' t love me anymore. That' s why he 390 00:29:40.599 --> 00:29:45.559 was unfaithful. We have to enter into beings, contradictory. We are not 391 00:29:45.759 --> 00:29:52.160 beings as you said with many nuances. We get carried away with this thing 392 00:29:52.000 --> 00:29:53.799 about you being unfaithful to me, because you don' t love me anymore. 393 00:29:55.240 --> 00:30:02.559 It is to stay in a place not like very without a position, 394 00:30:03.160 --> 00:30:08.759 without a power, like balancing what has been. There' s something that 395 00:30:08.759 --> 00:30:14.079 ' s deteriorated. No, and let me tell you, I don' 396 00:30:14.119 --> 00:30:17.759 t think all the infidelities have anything to do with the couple. I don 397 00:30:17.880 --> 00:30:21.519 ' t believe that. Now it' s been hard for me to get 398 00:30:21.519 --> 00:30:23.200 there. It' s not like it is. It has everything to do 399 00:30:23.200 --> 00:30:30.160 with it, not necessarily, because I have a case of a man where 400 00:30:30.359 --> 00:30:33.279 we can also talk about it with prostitutes. He started doing it from the 401 00:30:33.279 --> 00:30:37.160 age of sixteen and continues to do it forty years later. Okay, so, 402 00:30:37.359 --> 00:30:42.000 in your particular case, in your particular case, it has to do 403 00:30:42.240 --> 00:30:53.039 with balancing your life through that act. There are people who balance their lives, 404 00:30:55.039 --> 00:30:59.759 say through drugs, gambling, etcetera. No or some exercise and other 405 00:31:00.160 --> 00:31:06.079 positive things. In this case this man has not been a regulator. He 406 00:31:06.160 --> 00:31:12.880 ' s a regulator of his mental and emotional part, and he' s 407 00:31:12.880 --> 00:31:18.519 an excellent couple. An excellent couple, not a wonderful couple, but it 408 00:31:18.640 --> 00:31:22.799 is something when he gets very distressed, a lot of anguish that he has 409 00:31:22.799 --> 00:31:27.240 since he was fifteen sixteen years old, that he is going to take refuge 410 00:31:27.240 --> 00:31:30.160 there and uff leaves and then he returns to his life as someone who is 411 00:31:30.440 --> 00:31:33.400 going to drink or who is going to take drugs or decides that he will 412 00:31:33.400 --> 00:31:37.079 run three or four blocks. Then I have made myself doubt these things that 413 00:31:37.200 --> 00:31:41.319 touch me to see and I say ay, it will be, no, 414 00:31:41.400 --> 00:31:44.839 it will be, no, but I have nothing left but to be totally 415 00:31:44.839 --> 00:31:47.440 talking about it than to be watching. Then. These are very unique cases 416 00:31:47.480 --> 00:31:56.200 and notice that you leave the programme again because that has also led me to 417 00:31:56.319 --> 00:32:00.359 listen and again here more to men than to women, that infidelity helps them 418 00:32:00.400 --> 00:32:06.480 to bring a better marriage and at least of the many same ones that for 419 00:32:06.720 --> 00:32:10.640 some people it does help as you do, and for others it is a 420 00:32:10.640 --> 00:32:14.960 pretext. You know, it' s a pretext and I had a teacher 421 00:32:15.039 --> 00:32:19.240 who I still have a lot of affection for and he said look at the 422 00:32:19.240 --> 00:32:22.880 marriage. Sometimes it' s so heavy that it can' t just be 423 00:32:22.000 --> 00:32:25.839 loaded by two you need three. Then I' d say ay. I 424 00:32:25.880 --> 00:32:30.240 think that' s a shame of yours, no, of course, of 425 00:32:30.759 --> 00:32:34.480 course, but sometimes it certainly is, and I' m going to share 426 00:32:34.559 --> 00:32:40.319 with you an idea that my dad. My dad said a lot in the 427 00:32:40.319 --> 00:32:44.880 hesitant and in the meetings and in the jokes and everything, said the marriage 428 00:32:44.920 --> 00:32:46.599 is the only sentence in which, if you behave well, it is life 429 00:32:46.599 --> 00:32:52.720 imprisonment. And good. This brings us to the end of the Tari programme. 430 00:32:52.799 --> 00:32:55.319 Thank you so much. Yes, thank you, thank you very much. 431 00:32:55.960 --> 00:33:00.960 Of course, we see her Friday with her segment every Friday and this 432 00:33:00.359 --> 00:33:05.440 program we have to put on. It will continue, without any doubt, 433 00:33:06.519 --> 00:33:08.079 we will make second third and who knows how many parts. As well, 434 00:33:08.440 --> 00:33:14.119 because the pure subject of infidelity would give us for the whole year in your 435 00:33:14.119 --> 00:33:17.400 interventions. To be talking about this, but well, it' s time 436 00:33:17.480 --> 00:33:22.720 to say good- bye and we' ll meet tomorrow at one o' 437 00:33:22.759 --> 00:33:28.880 clock in the afternoon here at more than Chayo, with you until then. Audio Centre