WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.640 --> 00:00:03.960 This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I Am six forty, 2 00:00:04.080 --> 00:00:09.000 the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app kf I Am six 3 00:00:09.080 --> 00:00:11.960 forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy 4 00:00:11.960 --> 00:00:16.160 Walsh Show. Now, I'd like to welcome my listeners and viewers from Instagram. 5 00:00:16.199 --> 00:00:18.519 If you'd like to come over and have a peek inside the studio, 6 00:00:18.879 --> 00:00:23.000 just go on to Instagram at doctor Wendy Walsh. And after the segment, 7 00:00:23.359 --> 00:00:28.320 I am going to be taking your calls and your DMS. I know these 8 00:00:28.320 --> 00:00:31.039 are private questions and you might not want to say it on the radio, 9 00:00:31.079 --> 00:00:33.679 so that's okay. Producer Kala's going to be checking the dms as well. 10 00:00:34.000 --> 00:00:41.880 Alrighty. Serial monogamy, our culture right now is so accepting of so many 11 00:00:41.920 --> 00:00:49.799 different sexual orientations that many people are even self identifying as a serial monogamist as 12 00:00:49.799 --> 00:00:56.560 if it's a specific sexual orientation like gay straight by It may be for a 13 00:00:56.600 --> 00:01:03.000 few people, but I also think there's another group of people who are relationship 14 00:01:03.079 --> 00:01:08.680 hopping on a regular basis, hardly because the culture makes it. Support the 15 00:01:08.680 --> 00:01:15.480 culture supportive makes it easy, right, but also because it satisfies their insecure 16 00:01:15.480 --> 00:01:23.159 attachment style. Some people who are serial monogamous, I think are actually afraid 17 00:01:23.159 --> 00:01:30.359 of love, or they're afraid of commitment, or they're afraid of emotional intimacy. 18 00:01:30.079 --> 00:01:34.519 Okay, how to tell if you fall into this category? Are you 19 00:01:34.560 --> 00:01:42.000 the kind of person who seeks constant excitement? Are you the kind of person 20 00:01:42.400 --> 00:01:46.760 that doesn't like to be alone? Oh? God, I remember knowing those 21 00:01:46.760 --> 00:01:49.359 girls, Producer Kayla. You know those girls, they go from one guy 22 00:01:49.400 --> 00:01:51.239 to the other and they can't be alone for a day or a week, 23 00:01:51.319 --> 00:01:57.400 The Kim Kardashians and the jos and the Kardashians and yeah, yeah, those 24 00:01:57.400 --> 00:02:00.799 girls, the Kim Kardashians and the Jalo's, Like they need to stop and 25 00:02:00.840 --> 00:02:02.480 be a single woman for a while and then figure out who they are. 26 00:02:02.840 --> 00:02:07.480 Anyway, here I am. They're doing fine. I guess. Are you 27 00:02:07.519 --> 00:02:14.560 somebody who gets bored when you are in a committed relationship? Maybe, just 28 00:02:14.759 --> 00:02:22.199 maybe you become addicted to the neurochemicals of early stage love, the dopamine, 29 00:02:22.400 --> 00:02:27.280 the serotonin, the oxytocin. It's all so exciting, and then when it 30 00:02:27.319 --> 00:02:29.919 calms down a little bit, you're like, Okay, I'm bored. I 31 00:02:30.000 --> 00:02:34.560 want that again with a new person. Are you the kind of person who 32 00:02:34.599 --> 00:02:38.639 gets over breakups really easily? So here's the thing about pain, separation, 33 00:02:38.719 --> 00:02:43.680 pain, any kind of pain, is that the more often it happens, 34 00:02:43.680 --> 00:02:49.080 the more resilient you become. So if you find yourself becoming resilient to breakups, 35 00:02:49.400 --> 00:02:53.439 this is not a good sign. You're supposed to feel sad, You're 36 00:02:53.479 --> 00:02:59.919 supposed to feel lonely. It's okay to feel those feelings. Are you somebody 37 00:03:00.039 --> 00:03:04.080 who moves very fast in your new relationships? You want to get to the 38 00:03:04.080 --> 00:03:07.120 bedroom as soon as possible because you want those neurochemicals right. You're moving very 39 00:03:07.240 --> 00:03:13.439 very fast. And when you do have this new relationship, because you've moved 40 00:03:13.479 --> 00:03:15.719 so quickly, you make this person the entire focus of your life, the 41 00:03:15.800 --> 00:03:20.479 be all and the end all, to the exclusion of other relationships that you 42 00:03:20.479 --> 00:03:23.400 could be building. And I just even mean platonic relationships or family relationships. 43 00:03:23.400 --> 00:03:30.840 Are you know people you need to learn to be close to somebody, to 44 00:03:30.039 --> 00:03:36.680 trust, to love, to trust a connection. I think the biggest way 45 00:03:36.719 --> 00:03:42.879 to tell if you're a serial monogamous relationship hopper is how many victims do you 46 00:03:43.000 --> 00:03:46.120 leave behind? I used to say. I think it was in my book 47 00:03:46.120 --> 00:03:51.280 The Boyfriend Test. I said something like, if you meet a guy and 48 00:03:51.360 --> 00:03:55.520 you find that his relationship roadmap is strewn with the bodies of disappointed women. 49 00:03:57.240 --> 00:04:01.520 Right, if somebody talks bad about their exes and they're always driving them crazy, 50 00:04:01.719 --> 00:04:08.719 or their exes are always overreacting, or their exes, you know, 51 00:04:08.800 --> 00:04:14.319 all the pay attention. Okay, if there's a litany of hurt people behind 52 00:04:14.400 --> 00:04:16.959 this person, be careful if you're starting to date them now. I do 53 00:04:17.040 --> 00:04:23.040 want to say that our society does support cereal monogamy. And again there's a 54 00:04:23.079 --> 00:04:29.160 small population who are totally comfortable with cereal monogamy for the rest of their life. 55 00:04:29.560 --> 00:04:32.199 I do not recommend that they have children, because the one thing kids 56 00:04:32.319 --> 00:04:39.000 need is consistency. That's the one relationship where you just have to stick it 57 00:04:39.000 --> 00:04:43.079 out for eighteen years. That's all. Just stick it out for eighteen years. 58 00:04:43.720 --> 00:04:46.680 But if you're afraid of commitment, if you're afraid of intimacy, then 59 00:04:46.720 --> 00:04:49.480 how are you going to have that commitment or intimacy with a child. So 60 00:04:50.079 --> 00:04:54.839 make a vow I'm not having kids. Get a snip snip whatever, take 61 00:04:54.920 --> 00:05:00.600 some pills, don't have kids, and enjoy your serial monogamy. But if 62 00:05:00.639 --> 00:05:06.240 you're somebody who actually is longing for love, we have a culture that allows 63 00:05:06.319 --> 00:05:15.040 hookups, situationships, ethical nonmonogamy, polyamory, and it can get very confusing 64 00:05:15.560 --> 00:05:19.040 because you can think, well, maybe that's what I am. That's what 65 00:05:19.120 --> 00:05:23.439 they say on the internet. I might be maybe that's what I am. 66 00:05:24.720 --> 00:05:29.399 I'm here to tell you that there are a lot of serial monogamous who actually 67 00:05:29.399 --> 00:05:33.439 have insecure attachment styles and they actually want love and they want commitment. I 68 00:05:33.560 --> 00:05:38.720 do want to say this. Humans are wired to bond. Okay, across 69 00:05:38.759 --> 00:05:42.920 the lifespan, we are wired to bond. It feels good, it is 70 00:05:42.959 --> 00:05:46.680 good for our health. Right where cooperative breeders, cooperative thinkers. Life is 71 00:05:46.720 --> 00:05:50.360 easier when you're in a couple. And so there are many people longing. 72 00:05:51.639 --> 00:05:56.600 So how do you break the cycle? How do you break that cycle of 73 00:05:56.639 --> 00:06:01.439 having relationships that have an expiration date? Well, you start off by going 74 00:06:01.480 --> 00:06:05.600 to therapy. If you don't know my story, I will remind you I 75 00:06:05.759 --> 00:06:10.600 was a full on player chick all the way through my twenties, and I 76 00:06:10.680 --> 00:06:17.439 confused female sexual freedom with my own insecure attachment style. I used it as 77 00:06:17.720 --> 00:06:19.839 well, that's what a girl can do, she can just get it on. 78 00:06:19.920 --> 00:06:23.439 And why don't you judge me with that double standard stuff? A ba 79 00:06:23.720 --> 00:06:27.600 ba bah No. I didn't know how to get close. I didn't know 80 00:06:27.639 --> 00:06:31.040 how to trust love. And those nice guys, those commitment oriented nice guys 81 00:06:31.040 --> 00:06:34.240 that would show up in my eyeline. I would say things like hill, 82 00:06:34.720 --> 00:06:39.480 they're too nice. Too nice, nice is what you want, Okay? 83 00:06:40.000 --> 00:06:45.600 And then I'd be chasing down all those bad boys because they confirmed my internal 84 00:06:45.639 --> 00:06:48.839 idea that love couldn't be trusted. And if they let me down, then 85 00:06:48.879 --> 00:06:54.319 that confirmed that love can't be trusted. All right, So I went to 86 00:06:54.360 --> 00:06:58.879 therapy. I was in therapy for eighteen years, on and off, but 87 00:06:58.959 --> 00:07:03.959 I learned how to healthy relationships. I learned about my own childhood trauma. 88 00:07:04.160 --> 00:07:12.800 I learned about my anxious, ambivalent attachment style. The other thing that therapy 89 00:07:12.839 --> 00:07:16.680 can do is can rule other other rule out other personality disorders, narcissism, 90 00:07:16.680 --> 00:07:21.800 borderline personality disorder, etc. And also it can challenge your beliefs about love. 91 00:07:23.560 --> 00:07:27.120 Where did you get this idea that love was supposed to be exciting forever? 92 00:07:27.720 --> 00:07:30.639 Where did you get this idea that love was supposed to look like a 93 00:07:30.759 --> 00:07:36.160 rom com or some kind of amazing movie Hollywood ending. I see people put 94 00:07:36.160 --> 00:07:42.000 that sometimes in their online profiles. I want Hollywood romance love. Really, 95 00:07:42.279 --> 00:07:45.319 go watch a movie, then that's what you're gonna Real life is not like 96 00:07:45.360 --> 00:07:49.519 that. But the most important thing that therapy can teach all of us is 97 00:07:49.560 --> 00:07:55.680 emotional regulation and good communication skills, because that's where you practice in the therapy 98 00:07:55.759 --> 00:08:00.279 room. All right, With that said, after this break, I'm going 99 00:08:00.319 --> 00:08:03.040 to be taking your calls. Producer Kyle is heading into the room to screen 100 00:08:03.120 --> 00:08:05.519 your calls. You can say hello to producer Kayleb. The phone number is 101 00:08:05.519 --> 00:08:09.879 one eight hundred five two zero one KFI write that down. One eight hundred 102 00:08:11.160 --> 00:08:15.360 five two zero one five three four. Just a reminder, I'm a psychology 103 00:08:15.399 --> 00:08:18.519 professor. I've been studying the science of love for a few decades. I'm 104 00:08:18.519 --> 00:08:22.240 not a therapist. This isn't therapy. This is my drive by makeshift relationship 105 00:08:22.279 --> 00:08:24.839 advice. Let me weigh in on your love life. Give us a call. 106 00:08:24.120 --> 00:08:28.959 One eight hundred five two zero one five three four. You are listening 107 00:08:28.959 --> 00:08:31.120 to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on kf I AM six forty. We're live 108 00:08:31.279 --> 00:08:39.200 everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from 109 00:08:39.320 --> 00:08:43.120 kf I AM six forty. K f I AM six forty, you have 110 00:08:43.200 --> 00:08:46.480 Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show, and 111 00:08:46.559 --> 00:08:52.240 I'm taking your calls. Just a reminder, this is Drive by Makeshift Relationship 112 00:08:52.279 --> 00:08:56.600 Advice. I am a psychology professor, but I've been writing about the science 113 00:08:56.600 --> 00:09:00.639 of love for a lot of years. I'm also going to go to social 114 00:09:00.639 --> 00:09:03.320 media and look at your dms. So if you like the dm ME, 115 00:09:03.399 --> 00:09:07.559 a relationship question you may handle everywhere is at Doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay, 116 00:09:07.600 --> 00:09:11.320 Producer Kayla. Who do we have on the line. We have Jessica with 117 00:09:11.360 --> 00:09:13.919 the question. Jessica. Hi, Jessica, it's doctor Wendy. Hi, 118 00:09:15.039 --> 00:09:18.480 dofter Wendy. This Sessica. So I am twenty nine years old. I'll 119 00:09:18.519 --> 00:09:22.679 be thirty in a few months. I've never been in a relationship and I've 120 00:09:22.720 --> 00:09:26.639 been looking for a while. Now I'm able to get three to four dates, 121 00:09:26.679 --> 00:09:30.799 but then sometimes I feel like they run away. They will say things 122 00:09:30.840 --> 00:09:33.039 like, um, things are going to fast, and I feel like I 123 00:09:33.159 --> 00:09:39.879 tend to focus on my knees and not on theirs. Interesting, So what 124 00:09:39.960 --> 00:09:45.559 do you think the issue is? Um, I'm not. I don't believe 125 00:09:45.639 --> 00:09:48.080 I'm scared to be in a relationship. I'm thinking I'm My biggest fear have 126 00:09:48.200 --> 00:09:52.480 to be that I might lose who I am in one, That you will 127 00:09:52.559 --> 00:09:56.440 lose who you are, that somehow you know. I want to say, 128 00:09:56.440 --> 00:10:01.320 in general, relationships are a way that our identity expands, you know. 129 00:10:01.360 --> 00:10:07.159 I like to think of identity as a relationship as a ven diagram picture two 130 00:10:07.159 --> 00:10:13.200 circles. Okay, I would say my opinion is that an unhealthy relationship is 131 00:10:13.600 --> 00:10:16.399 two ven two circles right on top of each other, where you're so in 132 00:10:16.519 --> 00:10:18.759 mesh that you have lost yourself you're just thinking about the other person, right, 133 00:10:20.080 --> 00:10:22.559 And the other would be where you're two separate circles and you're living like 134 00:10:22.960 --> 00:10:28.840 roommates in the house if you will, right, and nobody's stepping in any 135 00:10:28.840 --> 00:10:31.480 tender areas. There's no intimacy, right, You're just being polite to each 136 00:10:31.519 --> 00:10:35.440 other. I think a healthy relationship is sort of a little bit of both, 137 00:10:35.480 --> 00:10:39.320 where you don't lose yourself, you actually gain a little bit from the 138 00:10:39.360 --> 00:10:43.960 other person. There's some overlap, but you still have a part of yourself 139 00:10:43.480 --> 00:10:46.919 the fact. And also I want to remind you, Jessica, that your 140 00:10:46.960 --> 00:10:52.639 generation, according to the research, is starting later and later. You know, 141 00:10:52.840 --> 00:10:56.840 you guys missed two years or more of getting together because of COVID. 142 00:10:58.200 --> 00:11:03.200 A lot of social stuff was missing in this particular generation. So it's perfectly 143 00:11:03.240 --> 00:11:07.480 okay to take your time. I do recommend that you get into therapy with 144 00:11:07.519 --> 00:11:11.399 a licensed therapist because that person can help you and be almost like like, 145 00:11:11.480 --> 00:11:16.000 I think of my therapist as my guide, like my wingman. Yeah, 146 00:11:16.080 --> 00:11:22.039 I could report back and that kind of thing, but I've been go ahead, 147 00:11:22.039 --> 00:11:24.879 I've been. I've been in therapy since I was like an early twenties, 148 00:11:24.960 --> 00:11:28.759 on and off. But see the past two you're very consistent. I 149 00:11:28.840 --> 00:11:33.799 would say stick it out because there's no rule on how long people take to 150 00:11:35.000 --> 00:11:39.799 heal. There's no rule at all. There's no schedule on this, and 151 00:11:39.080 --> 00:11:43.679 you're doing the work and that's the best news here. Thank you so much 152 00:11:43.720 --> 00:11:46.919 for calling Jessica. All right, who do we have now, Producer, 153 00:11:48.000 --> 00:11:50.639 Kayla, we have Josh with a question. Josh Hi. Josh is doctor 154 00:11:50.639 --> 00:11:54.279 Wendy. Hey, doctor Wendy, thank you for taking my call. I 155 00:11:54.360 --> 00:11:58.480 got a quick question for you. Sure. I've made some mistakes in my 156 00:11:58.559 --> 00:12:03.279 relationship with my fiance. I actually cheated on her a few times, and 157 00:12:03.720 --> 00:12:07.039 we've moved on, we've gotten over that, we've gotten past that. But 158 00:12:07.240 --> 00:12:13.559 now her family, mostly her father and her mother, they really don't trust 159 00:12:13.600 --> 00:12:18.240 me. They don't like me, and they don't want me around. How 160 00:12:18.240 --> 00:12:22.799 do I go about getting you know, winning them that? Well? Time 161 00:12:22.240 --> 00:12:28.639 will heal, you know, earning back trust after a betrayal can take a 162 00:12:28.639 --> 00:12:33.679 long time, and you have to remember that they love her and they want 163 00:12:33.720 --> 00:12:39.440 to protect her. So you need to somehow prove to them that you love 164 00:12:39.480 --> 00:12:41.840 her as much and that you want to protect her as much and that you've 165 00:12:41.879 --> 00:12:46.960 actually changed. Do you guys have a wedding date on the calendar? Yeah, 166 00:12:48.039 --> 00:12:50.240 we do. We're actually supposed to get married in October of this year. 167 00:12:50.879 --> 00:12:56.879 Ah. So are they not being supportive of the wedding? I know 168 00:12:58.200 --> 00:13:01.799 her mother said that she would be very supportive for her daughter, but the 169 00:13:01.879 --> 00:13:05.960 Dada wants nothing to do with anybody, so he's not going to go to 170 00:13:05.039 --> 00:13:09.200 the Are they together? Are they married? Or divorced. You know they 171 00:13:09.200 --> 00:13:11.679 are married. They're married, and he said he's not going to go to 172 00:13:11.720 --> 00:13:16.240 the wedding exactly. Oh, man, you need to have a heart to 173 00:13:16.279 --> 00:13:20.519 heart, man to man conversation with him. You need to go and earn 174 00:13:20.559 --> 00:13:24.399 his trust and bow your head to the great lion as the young buck, 175 00:13:24.799 --> 00:13:31.159 and let him know how bad you feel about all of this. How old 176 00:13:31.200 --> 00:13:35.600 are each of you thirty five and thirty six. Yeah, it's time to 177 00:13:35.679 --> 00:13:39.679 procreate. It's time to get a family going. Is that what you want? 178 00:13:41.519 --> 00:13:45.639 Yeah, we're trying to adult right now. Oh well, it's going 179 00:13:45.679 --> 00:13:52.519 to take time. Stay be steady on the course and have a beautiful wedding. 180 00:13:52.759 --> 00:13:58.120 Thanks so much for college us. I appreciate it. All right, 181 00:13:58.200 --> 00:14:03.399 let's go to social media where you are fast sending in some dms. Dear 182 00:14:03.440 --> 00:14:05.879 doctor Wendy, Oh, this is on the topic that I was just talking 183 00:14:05.919 --> 00:14:11.720 about. I find myself always going from relationship to relationship and I keep backupmates. 184 00:14:13.200 --> 00:14:16.399 The thought of being alone doesn't feel right. Is this an unhealthy attachment 185 00:14:16.440 --> 00:14:22.039 style? Well, only you and your therapist can know to fully diagnose this, 186 00:14:22.120 --> 00:14:26.639 but I will say that evolutionary psychologists say that it's actually pretty healthy for 187 00:14:26.679 --> 00:14:31.879 people to keep backupmates, and that all humans keep backupmates. Now, let 188 00:14:31.879 --> 00:14:35.720 me make clear what a backupmate is. It's not somebody you're actively flirting with. 189 00:14:35.919 --> 00:14:37.960 Okay, that's kind of cheating. That's still a betrayal. If you 190 00:14:37.960 --> 00:14:43.000 would say something to somebody else privately that you would not say in front of 191 00:14:43.000 --> 00:14:48.600 your significant other, than you're emotionally cheating. Right, But a backupmate is 192 00:14:48.600 --> 00:14:52.360 a sort of like, well, you know, if something ever happened in 193 00:14:52.480 --> 00:14:58.039 my relationship, maybe I'd be interested in pursuing this person. And it might 194 00:14:58.080 --> 00:15:01.759 be a work colleague, it might be a friend from somewhere. But there 195 00:15:03.000 --> 00:15:07.120 is a little bit of research to show that when people keep backup mats in 196 00:15:07.159 --> 00:15:09.200 the back of their mind, that they tend to be healthy and to have 197 00:15:09.320 --> 00:15:13.200 less depression. So that is normal to have backupmates. Now, if your 198 00:15:13.240 --> 00:15:18.879 backupmates or somebody you're actively flirting with or actively dating or actively having sex with, 199 00:15:18.159 --> 00:15:22.039 then you don't want those kind of backupmates because they're not backupmates. They're 200 00:15:22.039 --> 00:15:28.519 actually mates. They're multiple mates. Right. And again, if the big 201 00:15:28.799 --> 00:15:33.759 language I hear in what you wrote to me is the thought of being alone 202 00:15:33.919 --> 00:15:39.080 doesn't feel right. Nobody likes to be alone, but we do have to 203 00:15:39.200 --> 00:15:43.080 learn how to be alone sometimes so that we can be more of a whole 204 00:15:43.159 --> 00:15:48.320 person when we come back into relationship with somebody. So it sounds like you're 205 00:15:48.360 --> 00:15:54.840 bouncing into relationships as a reaction to your feelings of loneliness instead of saying, 206 00:15:54.960 --> 00:16:00.559 Okay, I'm ready to join my wholeness with somebody else's whole self. All 207 00:16:00.639 --> 00:16:07.519 right, let's move along. Dear doctor Wendy, I just moved in with 208 00:16:07.559 --> 00:16:11.200 my boyfriend of three years and he's a mess. Oh, what do you 209 00:16:11.200 --> 00:16:15.039 mean mess? We fight all the time because he just doesn't clean, literally 210 00:16:15.039 --> 00:16:18.399 a mess. He always messy. I tell him, and he still doesn't 211 00:16:18.440 --> 00:16:22.480 do anything. I can't see myself dealing with this forever, but I love 212 00:16:22.559 --> 00:16:25.879 him. How can I get him to tidy up? Oh? I have 213 00:16:25.919 --> 00:16:29.440 the best advice for that. Just like you would train a two year old 214 00:16:29.720 --> 00:16:34.200 or an animal or any other organism, we are pleasure seeking people. We 215 00:16:34.279 --> 00:16:38.519 do not respond to nagging, We do not respond to information. We do 216 00:16:38.559 --> 00:16:45.000 not respond to prompts or criticism. You know what we respond to rewards? 217 00:16:45.519 --> 00:16:48.240 You figure out what his reward system is and when he accidentally just like you're 218 00:16:48.240 --> 00:16:52.840 training a dog to sit, they accidentally sit, you give him a treat, 219 00:16:52.120 --> 00:16:55.000 then they go, oh, what if I do that again, I'll 220 00:16:55.000 --> 00:16:57.639 get another treat. Figure out what he likes, figure out what he wants, 221 00:16:57.960 --> 00:17:03.960 and anytime he gets closer to tidy, just be nice, don't don't 222 00:17:03.039 --> 00:17:08.000 nag, don't tell them what you want. You can quietly train anybody in 223 00:17:08.079 --> 00:17:14.119 her reward system. Honestly, it's possible. It's a reward system. All 224 00:17:14.200 --> 00:17:17.519 right. I'll be answering your questions more on social media and by phone if 225 00:17:17.559 --> 00:17:19.559 you call in when we come back. The numbers one eight hundred five two 226 00:17:19.680 --> 00:17:25.680 zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred and five two zero one five three 227 00:17:25.799 --> 00:17:29.759 four. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six 228 00:17:29.880 --> 00:17:34.440 forty with Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh 229 00:17:34.519 --> 00:17:49.039 on demand from kf I AM sixty Doctor Damaged on the Hard kf I AM 230 00:17:49.079 --> 00:17:52.279 six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor 231 00:17:52.279 --> 00:17:56.200 Wendy Walsh Show. I'm answering your social media questions, taking your calls. 232 00:17:56.680 --> 00:18:03.200 Remember it's drive by makeshift relationship advice. Let me weigh in with my life 233 00:18:03.240 --> 00:18:10.559 experience. Someone wrote me a very long, very convoluted, very detailed email 234 00:18:11.519 --> 00:18:15.960 that was so confusing. They were a swinger couple who started a relationship with 235 00:18:17.000 --> 00:18:21.960 another couple, and they all had different attachment styles, and somebody got attached 236 00:18:22.000 --> 00:18:25.440 to somebody more than they should have, and they felt some feelings they never 237 00:18:25.480 --> 00:18:27.759 felt. You know what I like to say about a lot of the polyamory 238 00:18:27.759 --> 00:18:33.799 and the swinging that goes around. It's all fun in games till somebody catches 239 00:18:33.880 --> 00:18:38.960 feelings, till somebody gets hurt. You know, we evolved as a natural 240 00:18:40.079 --> 00:18:47.559 thing to have sexual jealousy. We want to be jealous and protective of our 241 00:18:47.640 --> 00:18:52.359 partner if we value our partner. Now. Yes, there are a few 242 00:18:52.400 --> 00:18:57.759 people who men, for instance, are slightly more able to separate sex from 243 00:18:57.759 --> 00:19:03.240 feelings or hight testosterone women or people with an avoidant attachment style, no threat 244 00:19:03.279 --> 00:19:07.400 of intimacy, even if the intimacy of sexual jealousy, those feelings don't happen 245 00:19:07.559 --> 00:19:14.400 right. But for the vast majority of human beings, it doesn't feel good 246 00:19:14.680 --> 00:19:18.400 to think about your partner with somebody else. Now I remember being at a 247 00:19:18.400 --> 00:19:22.400 dinner party once and a woman was telling me she's in a same sex relationship 248 00:19:22.759 --> 00:19:26.880 that she actually likes for her partner to be with somebody else and come back 249 00:19:26.920 --> 00:19:34.400 and describe it to her and it turns her on. Kaylee kind of like, 250 00:19:34.559 --> 00:19:38.799 she kind of likes this idea. This is rare. Okay, this 251 00:19:38.880 --> 00:19:45.359 may be a high testosterone woman, this is rare. The truth is that 252 00:19:45.519 --> 00:19:49.400 most humans, if you value your partner, actually don't like the idea of 253 00:19:49.440 --> 00:19:55.519 them being with somebody else. And the other I'm going to be honest. 254 00:19:55.559 --> 00:19:59.359 The other issue. While there is a small portion of the population who can 255 00:19:59.400 --> 00:20:03.720 have open relationships, who can swing, who can have polyamory, it's a 256 00:20:03.759 --> 00:20:07.319 small portion of the population. Remember we had the woman on our show once 257 00:20:07.319 --> 00:20:15.480 who's the preeminent researcher on polyamory in the world, and she said that, 258 00:20:15.640 --> 00:20:18.799 you know, less than five percent of people can carry it on for any 259 00:20:18.880 --> 00:20:23.640 length of time because of this thing called sexual jealousy. And actually the question 260 00:20:25.119 --> 00:20:29.200 that the listener posed at the end was the most complicated question of all. 261 00:20:29.599 --> 00:20:34.359 How can they maintain a happy four way relationship while keeping their primary relationship completely 262 00:20:34.400 --> 00:20:38.359 happy? And you can't it just becomes a mess of a lot of people's 263 00:20:38.400 --> 00:20:41.799 feelings. It's like wanting your cake and wanting to eat it too, and 264 00:20:41.960 --> 00:20:47.839 it becomes very, very difficult, especially when there are all these feelings flying 265 00:20:47.880 --> 00:20:55.440 around all righty, moving on, Dear doctor Wendy says this person on Instagram. 266 00:20:55.599 --> 00:21:00.799 I am a naturally flirtatious person. Naturally. It's an interesting word there. 267 00:21:00.200 --> 00:21:03.519 I naturally, Oh, they used it again. I naturally flirt with 268 00:21:03.559 --> 00:21:11.079 people I am uninterested in uninterested. Okay, I'm in a brand new relationship 269 00:21:11.319 --> 00:21:15.359 and my boyfriend Okay, this is a she. My boyfriend gets really mad 270 00:21:15.400 --> 00:21:21.079 at how I interact with other guys. But honestly, it really comes naturally 271 00:21:21.200 --> 00:21:26.599 to me. Should I accept this about me? Or should he accept this 272 00:21:26.720 --> 00:21:29.400 about me? Or should I work on not flirting? First of all, 273 00:21:29.400 --> 00:21:33.960 flirting is not naturally showing up. Okay, I want to remind everybody, 274 00:21:33.039 --> 00:21:37.839 especially my first year psychology students. I show this picture of an iceberg on 275 00:21:37.920 --> 00:21:45.000 my slide, tiny tip of the iceberg above the water and the giant mammoth 276 00:21:45.519 --> 00:21:51.319 bulk of the iceberg underneath the water. That is, you're unconscious. All 277 00:21:51.400 --> 00:21:56.079 of us have an unconscious that is well it's unconscious. It's outside of our 278 00:21:56.119 --> 00:22:00.880 awareness. So outside of your awareness is this desire to have other people be 279 00:22:00.920 --> 00:22:06.440 attracted to you, even people you're not interested in. I would venture to 280 00:22:06.480 --> 00:22:10.279 say, but maybe it has to do with low self esteem that you're using 281 00:22:10.359 --> 00:22:14.839 this tool. I know naturally. It's not that it's natural, it's that 282 00:22:14.920 --> 00:22:18.960 you've done it so many times that you do it unthinkingly. Now, So 283 00:22:19.039 --> 00:22:23.440 now what I'm going to say is if you want to preserve this relationship, 284 00:22:25.079 --> 00:22:30.079 that you learn to become more conscious and more aware of your behavior, and 285 00:22:30.240 --> 00:22:33.960 you might want to see a therapist and find out why you naturally flirt with 286 00:22:34.000 --> 00:22:37.599 everybody, even people you're not interested in. Right, it's not just as 287 00:22:37.680 --> 00:22:41.519 natural thing. It's not just born going. Oh, it's just born sexy. 288 00:22:41.559 --> 00:22:45.200 Well, can I say, no, you're doing some kind of behavior 289 00:22:45.640 --> 00:22:52.119 that's trying to draw people in closer to you or trying to make your lover's 290 00:22:52.200 --> 00:22:57.359 jealous. And so why that's the question that you and your therapist can come 291 00:22:57.400 --> 00:23:00.519 up for an answer with. But in the meantime, become a conscious of 292 00:23:00.559 --> 00:23:03.960 what you're doing. And no, your boyfriend does not have to accept this 293 00:23:04.039 --> 00:23:08.400 behavior, not at all. Okay, dear doctor Wendy, I'm having a 294 00:23:08.480 --> 00:23:14.119 very stressful season and decided to try weed for the first time to chill out. 295 00:23:14.200 --> 00:23:17.200 It works really well for me. My boyfriend hates the fact that I 296 00:23:17.200 --> 00:23:19.000 now like to smoke. Is this a deal breaker? Well, if you're 297 00:23:19.039 --> 00:23:22.960 suffering from addiction and your boyfriend thinks is an addiction and you have to check 298 00:23:23.000 --> 00:23:26.400 out in order to deal with him, then it has become a couple problem. 299 00:23:26.440 --> 00:23:30.079 It's become a relationship problem, right. So remember that ven diagram, 300 00:23:30.079 --> 00:23:34.839 that overlapping circles. He's saying he doesn't get enough of the real you when 301 00:23:34.880 --> 00:23:41.480 you're high. So I don't like the word deal breaker, but it's something 302 00:23:41.519 --> 00:23:47.079 for you guys to explore and communicate about. Already. That brings this segment 303 00:23:47.160 --> 00:23:51.160 to a close. We have a very special holiday tomorrow, kay, let 304 00:23:51.200 --> 00:23:57.599 do you know what it is? Yeah? It's June tenth. Yeah, 305 00:23:57.640 --> 00:24:00.839 and is it the first time it's in a national federal holiday? Right? 306 00:24:00.960 --> 00:24:03.000 Is the first year? Last year? Last year? Second year? Yeah, 307 00:24:03.079 --> 00:24:07.039 second year? Yeah, it's our newest holiday yea. Anyway, Okay, 308 00:24:07.039 --> 00:24:08.920 for those who've been living under a rock, I'm gonna explain a little 309 00:24:08.920 --> 00:24:15.880 bit about Juneteenth and then I'm going to ask the expert on Juneteenth, Kayla, 310 00:24:17.519 --> 00:24:21.839 how best everyone should celebrate it. When we come back. You are 311 00:24:21.880 --> 00:24:25.319 listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on kf I AM six forty. We're 312 00:24:25.359 --> 00:24:30.480 live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand 313 00:24:30.759 --> 00:24:34.799 from kf I AM sixty k I AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy 314 00:24:34.799 --> 00:24:38.759 Walsh with you. This is the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy Walls Show, 315 00:24:38.759 --> 00:24:44.359 and what a way to end the show. June teenth is tomorrow the 316 00:24:44.519 --> 00:24:52.880 newest federal holiday. Juneteenth National Independence Day is the official title, which is 317 00:24:52.920 --> 00:24:59.599 a combination of June and nineteenth, and it essentially celebrates the end of slavery 318 00:24:59.720 --> 00:25:04.559 in the country. It marks the day in eighteen sixty five when people who 319 00:25:04.559 --> 00:25:11.279 were enslaved in Galveston, Texas found out for the first time that they had 320 00:25:11.319 --> 00:25:18.640 been freed, except it was two years after President Abraham Lincoln's Emancipation Proclamation. 321 00:25:19.759 --> 00:25:25.039 Now, many states vary and how they observe this federal holiday. This year, 322 00:25:25.079 --> 00:25:27.720 twenty eight states, along with District to Columbia, recognize it as an 323 00:25:27.720 --> 00:25:33.200 official public holiday. Government offices are closed. State employees have a paid day 324 00:25:33.200 --> 00:25:38.640 off. Here in California, it's considered a floating holiday, which means that 325 00:25:38.680 --> 00:25:42.759 you can take it off and get paid in lieu of another personal day. 326 00:25:44.160 --> 00:25:45.519 What does that mean, like if you have a sick day or something. 327 00:25:45.920 --> 00:25:49.640 I guess if you use another holiday, you can get either or but you 328 00:25:49.680 --> 00:25:53.960 don't get both. But I don't know what the other holiday between. So 329 00:25:55.799 --> 00:26:00.160 here's the thing. I saw this woman on social media say very clearly, 330 00:26:00.960 --> 00:26:07.839 if you are white, you should not be celebrating Juneteenth. How do you 331 00:26:07.880 --> 00:26:11.200 feel about that statement. I'm very conflicted. Well, you know, we're 332 00:26:11.240 --> 00:26:15.720 not We're not an anomaly. So I respect her feelings. I do. 333 00:26:17.440 --> 00:26:21.839 I have mixed feelings about it. I do like I compare it in my 334 00:26:21.920 --> 00:26:26.079 mind to Indigenous People Day, which used to be that the Columbus holiday thing. 335 00:26:26.119 --> 00:26:32.000 Oh. I mean, it's not like we run out and go yay 336 00:26:32.039 --> 00:26:37.200 Indigenous People Day. We stop and go, wow, look what happened? 337 00:26:37.400 --> 00:26:40.680 Yeah, it's terrible. Yeah, I think I respect that the acknowledgement, 338 00:26:41.400 --> 00:26:45.319 because I'd rather be acknowledged than not acknowledge at all. Well, according to 339 00:26:45.400 --> 00:26:49.720 doctor Coarita Brown, a sociology professor at Emory University. In fact, her 340 00:26:49.759 --> 00:26:56.720 research focuses on race. She says there is no reason to feel awkward about 341 00:26:56.759 --> 00:27:00.680 wanting to recognize Juneteenth, even if you're not Black. You're an American and 342 00:27:00.759 --> 00:27:07.680 this is American federal holiday. She says that she would challenge non black folks 343 00:27:07.559 --> 00:27:14.119 to do less celebration and more leaning into learning about history on that day, 344 00:27:14.359 --> 00:27:19.640 right because it is absolutely everybody's history. It is a tragic history. We 345 00:27:19.720 --> 00:27:26.000 all had ancestors in some way and somehow that were involved in what went on 346 00:27:26.119 --> 00:27:33.359 for four hundred years. Okay, it's a part of the experience of America. 347 00:27:33.480 --> 00:27:37.319 She also suggests that if you want to bring some real authenticity to your 348 00:27:37.319 --> 00:27:44.440 recognition of June tenth, that you educate yourself. There's some other nice things 349 00:27:44.480 --> 00:27:48.039 you can do. You are welcome, she says, as a white person 350 00:27:48.079 --> 00:27:52.240 to attend a stry festival that is predominantly African American, to show solidarity, 351 00:27:52.559 --> 00:27:57.000 to be an ally, just like we all walked during the days after George 352 00:27:57.000 --> 00:28:02.440 Floyd was murdered, we were to other in it. She also suggested it 353 00:28:02.480 --> 00:28:06.640 is a great day to patronize black owned businesses. That's what I was thinking, 354 00:28:06.720 --> 00:28:08.960 Yeah, yeah, do that search. It's very easy on Google. 355 00:28:10.359 --> 00:28:17.960 Black owned businesses near me. It's just a time for everyone to expand their 356 00:28:18.000 --> 00:28:19.759 knowledge. You know. Earlier on the break, Kayla, you and I 357 00:28:19.880 --> 00:28:27.200 were talking about the gaps in education about history in this country. Interesting enough, 358 00:28:27.519 --> 00:28:32.359 I was raised in Canada, and I feel like I got more education 359 00:28:32.400 --> 00:28:36.160 about slavery than many Americans did. I mean we had a lot of it. 360 00:28:36.559 --> 00:28:38.640 Yeah, I feel like I learned a lot of my history in college 361 00:28:38.839 --> 00:28:41.920 based off like an elementary school, high school I wasn't really touched on, 362 00:28:41.960 --> 00:28:45.839 and I actually learned recently. In Germany, I believe they really teach about 363 00:28:45.880 --> 00:28:49.599 the awful history that they that they've done because they don't want to repeat it. 364 00:28:49.599 --> 00:28:52.519 But it doesn't get repeated exactly. So when it's like critical theory and 365 00:28:52.559 --> 00:28:56.279 don't teach this thing, it's kind of like really scary because if you don't 366 00:28:56.279 --> 00:28:59.680 teach and educate, it's it may just repeat itself. Right, Yeah, 367 00:29:00.000 --> 00:29:02.839 already see human rights being shipped away in twenty twenty three, so which is 368 00:29:02.920 --> 00:29:06.839 very very scary. And as we know that just because you have a rule 369 00:29:07.480 --> 00:29:14.480 doesn't mean everything changes overnight or even since eighteen sixty five. Its change must 370 00:29:14.599 --> 00:29:18.720 continue. We must continue to talk about these things more than talk about it. 371 00:29:18.039 --> 00:29:23.920 We must continue each individual American to run their own little affirmative action programs. 372 00:29:25.480 --> 00:29:29.319 We need to hire more blacks, promote more blacks, give raises to 373 00:29:29.400 --> 00:29:34.000 more blacks, more creative opportunities, buy black art. Patronized black businesses. 374 00:29:34.440 --> 00:29:37.400 Don't be afraid to say, you know what, if I have a choice 375 00:29:37.400 --> 00:29:40.799 between a white or a black person, I'm gonna hire the black person. 376 00:29:41.160 --> 00:29:47.680 Because of so many years of discrimination, so many years of lack of opportunity. 377 00:29:48.039 --> 00:29:51.799 It's about making up for lost time. And I feel like some people 378 00:29:51.839 --> 00:29:53.039 say, oh, white people don't need to talk about these kind of things 379 00:29:53.079 --> 00:29:56.240 and they don't deserve to have an opinion about this kind of stuff. But 380 00:29:56.279 --> 00:29:59.039 I hear you preaching about, you know, supporting black businesses and buying black 381 00:29:59.119 --> 00:30:00.839 art, and I've been to your house, I've seen the black art, 382 00:30:00.000 --> 00:30:02.799 and you're one of the reasons I got a job here. You're like, 383 00:30:02.839 --> 00:30:06.000 I need a black woman producer. So not only are you not just doing 384 00:30:06.000 --> 00:30:07.480 this for the theatrics of the microphone, but it's genuinely who you are, 385 00:30:07.519 --> 00:30:11.599 through and through, and I appreciate your allyship doctor. Yes. You know, 386 00:30:11.680 --> 00:30:15.799 someone had the question once saying that they don't trust a white person who 387 00:30:15.799 --> 00:30:18.160 they think is being a savior. And I didn't understand the word savior because 388 00:30:18.200 --> 00:30:22.160 I always thought that as a positive term. But she explained to me performative 389 00:30:22.480 --> 00:30:26.039 right, doing it so other people will see that they are a good person, 390 00:30:26.039 --> 00:30:30.440 and that never feels good, right. But you know, I don't 391 00:30:30.440 --> 00:30:33.960 think it's any secret that I have biracial children. I raised two black women. 392 00:30:34.079 --> 00:30:40.319 They are proud self identifying black women. And you know, hey, 393 00:30:40.400 --> 00:30:45.200 if I work so hard in my life that I'm able to leave two financially 394 00:30:45.240 --> 00:30:47.599 secure black women on the planet, then I think I've done a job. 395 00:30:47.799 --> 00:30:51.319 That's my goal. I want to create legacy money for them. But I 396 00:30:51.319 --> 00:30:55.279 don't know. I'm going backwards lately. I don't know. The bills keep 397 00:30:55.319 --> 00:30:57.119 flying in. What is it? That's my plan, but it's just not 398 00:30:57.200 --> 00:31:03.359 happening. Before we go, I just want to thank everybody for hanging in 399 00:31:03.400 --> 00:31:07.400 there with me over these eight or nine years. I am continuing to enjoy 400 00:31:07.640 --> 00:31:11.680 my time here at KFI. We have a special show next week which is 401 00:31:11.920 --> 00:31:15.160 three hours long, right, so we'll be six to nine. Is that 402 00:31:15.200 --> 00:31:18.680 writer, so yes, six to nine, six to nine. Next week, 403 00:31:18.960 --> 00:31:22.920 we also have a really special guest, doctor Elizabeth Lloyd, who wrote 404 00:31:22.920 --> 00:31:26.240 that famous book The Case of the Female Orgasm. As I say that, 405 00:31:26.279 --> 00:31:29.759 right, yeah, she's gonna teach us all about the female orgasm next week, 406 00:31:29.839 --> 00:31:32.279 right, which turns out it was just a fluke of nature. It's 407 00:31:32.319 --> 00:31:37.720 not like honestly, so when I was youngish, there was this guy and 408 00:31:37.880 --> 00:31:40.359 he was saying, oh, en, if you don't have the same kind 409 00:31:40.359 --> 00:31:42.519 of desire as a man, there's something wrong with you. And they're actually 410 00:31:42.519 --> 00:31:48.200 we're taught in graduate school that they're all these diagnoses for female sexual dysfunction. 411 00:31:48.519 --> 00:31:52.920 Now come to find out that a whole chunk of women just naturally can't orgasm, 412 00:31:53.119 --> 00:31:56.480 has nothing to do with what's going on in their head, has everything 413 00:31:56.519 --> 00:32:00.599 to do with their anatomy. And we're going to explain this next week because 414 00:32:00.640 --> 00:32:02.559 we'll have the expert who actually did the research, which will be very exciting. 415 00:32:04.000 --> 00:32:06.799 Also, if you'd like to follow me on Patreon, Patreon, dot 416 00:32:06.799 --> 00:32:10.400 com slash doctor Wendy Walsh, I have a what do I have? I 417 00:32:10.440 --> 00:32:15.039 have a zoom room. Every Wednesday, we have a great, great group 418 00:32:15.119 --> 00:32:20.519 of people oh, speaking about Juneteenth and racism. We have people from all 419 00:32:20.519 --> 00:32:25.559 over the country and indeed in lots of other countries as well. And and 420 00:32:25.880 --> 00:32:30.359 she was saying that she lives in the South, she's Latino, and she 421 00:32:30.440 --> 00:32:32.680 has not experienced much racism. And then as she started talking, she told 422 00:32:32.680 --> 00:32:37.039 a story that she was driving one day and she ran into a cluclex Klan 423 00:32:37.160 --> 00:32:40.359 rally. Wow, like kind of recently, I'm like, okay, so 424 00:32:40.400 --> 00:32:43.920 it's not over. There's much work to be done. Anyway, It is 425 00:32:43.920 --> 00:32:45.799 always my pleasure to be here every Sunday. Join us next week for a 426 00:32:45.799 --> 00:32:50.160 special three hour show from six to nine. You've been listening to the Doctor 427 00:32:50.160 --> 00:32:54.000 Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio 428 00:32:54.000 --> 00:32:59.920 app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy wallsh You can always hear us live 429 00:33:00.079 --> 00:33:04.319 on k five AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime 430 00:33:04.359 --> 00:33:06.559 on demand on the iHeartRadio app.