Comedy Central Podcast. Don' t be false. I know we' re
all bound here today. Not so do it right and nothing' s gonna
happen to you. Otherwise, I' m naked and I' ll tell
you the afternoon. I' ll leave the bag here in case there are
Romanians in the room. I used to be Romanian, but I took off.
Now I' m a person and why I tell you to treat me
well, because I' m no longer human, but my cousins are still
human then it' s not for threatening, it' s just to speed
up a bit. This you know the eggs of being human. I swear
to you, the questions people were asking me all the time and what is
the typical food of your country. I' m saying I didn' t
hear Bian saying that when the hunger games came out in your country, it
was a documentary in Romania. When fruit found the year. I' ve
been pawning it like this all the time for 20 fucking years. You understand
why I want to be Spanish, this in your country. If you haven
' t stolen from me, I say we' re that selective. We
didn' t steal from Asshole. Please, it' s more, it
' s more. You owe me one so you wouldn' t have to
move. Dine me to steal you, you here. I used to be
a mangatist, mangat and deny it, but you egg it. I'
m going for grandviel the first thing I see mango. I mean, they
' re screaming at her pussy and people are proud to have stolen. Yeah,
' cause I' m good at you guys don' t look rajo
and she could have the pussy craving you' re being told steals up to
four hundred euros. It' s called theft, because nothing, because you
have a lot of anxiety. Four hundred euros I stole a day, but
no longer. I' m a person now, but I have Romanian sequels
left. Uh, for example, when I stepped on this instead of focusing
on you guys, it was who the fuck messed up this stage. They
take me to five- star hotels and I no longer get the shampoo,
but the artichoke shower caeh hahahahahahahahahahahaha. You' re telling me. You'
re your expressions that already taught me. The monkey gets dressed as a cada
mona doesn' t stay, but I have an excuse. At least I
was poor, little dieres, I was more pussy than ever, and when
I made him, I was poor too, not me anymore. My brothers
and I washed our teeth with the same brush. Now we have the same
cavities as you gave me for remigration, because here I learned that the pads
for the rule are not reversible. But when you turn it around, you
save yourself the waxing, ha ha ha ha ha. I' m fine,
I' m going through a transition. I feel very identified with transy
people not because I was born in Transylvania, it' s because I feel
very Spanish. I' m a Spaniard in Romanian' s body and I
' m acting like one. I' ve been hanging out with you lately.
I do things like I stay at ten with a friend and I get
to prays and a half is a joke. I' ll stay at ten
for coffee and have two bermuts. I speak in pesetas now. I made
a friend, but you were here when the pesetas said no, but you
don' t speak English and say you' re a male and I do
that as thank God. It' s a couple is that the fuck of
this is that I don' t know if you like me or it'
s out of fear or because these people have forced you. So it'
s not a reference, you know, so maybe I' m equally undressed
by the no. But I do things like you, I say, oh,
see if we can see each other tomorrow. I' ll call you
and donkey his number. I bought a second house in town and says my
mother and the first one where you have it. I don' t have
it. Now I' m going on a romantic scene with my husband,
a restaurant and a terrepent and I' m starting to talk. That'
s why he screams no Spanish screams, oh hahahaha, and you' re
also giving me too much wine that has to suck you, the boss brings
another one. I do real things. I' m seriously thinking about voting
for Vox. What happens is that my friends say, but they' re
going to throw your family out and I say look at me saving Sunday lunches.
I have nothing against foreigners to me if they come to work. I
' ve learned your expressions, but it cost me fuckers today. You use
the same word for everything a friend of mine tells me, take off my
thorns. Now he' s on crutches. It' s just that you
mistook me for you and asked my husband for his mouth. I say"
tate" with a song in my teeth and they call me Bianca auntie you
have a lot of cresivity contained. I say content is not. I'
m not okay. This fucking transition process is taking a long time for nationality
to be given to me for a year and a half and, like the
people after, there is no turning back to get Spanish nationality. I have
to give up the Romanians'. I mean, you see what the problem
is. I go to my country' s TV and I was very,
very happy and I started the performance and I said I' m really excited
to be here tonight. My grandmother told me I' m not going to
die quietly until you act on Romanian TV. Grandma, you can do this.
Have a favor. He got angry, but the thing is, he
died quietly. Really. People have been angry at this performance. Comedians think
we' re gonna do something funny and suddenly you get a lot of stuff.
It' s like how lucky people like you don' t want to
reproduce? Yo, what bad luck people like you don' t know what
suicide was? Don' t even think about going back to this quiet country.
I didn' t think of it. If, in addition, right
now, humans are migrating to Ukraine to occupy houses that are free, I
don' t care. Everyone won' t like it See how far my
ego goes I talk to myself and I talk about myself. I' m
in an argument and I say it' s not me, it' s
you, but at least I can tell you know, I' m fine,
even if you think I' m not. I don' t know
how those people who pretend to be happy all the time aren' t a
little out of it. I, since I have used reason, have made
it quite clear to me that the secret of happiness is not to be born.
People are looking for constant happiness, it' s like you' re
looking for the eternal coke stripe. I think you have to learn from the
pigs are very happy in their shit. In fact, I' ve already
got the idea. Four good things happen to me. I mean the fifth.
You' ll see the shit that gives me life. I see it
coming and I take advantage of everything, for example, when I have been
cut off, because thanks to that I learned to connect to a lamppost.
A junkie for a junkie. Accidents are super important and so it has material
is that it seems that they are all complaints. A building collapses. Uh,
what a problem that creates work for truckers who collect debris. It says
already Bianca dead two elders. You know what it' s worth to keep
a truck, plus the honesty of leaving when you get the pussy that not
everyone knows how to leave. Hey, I' m a hair beetle.
I take the shit. They tell me you trust your husband. I trust
that if you can and I don' t find out, you' re
cheating on me, it' s trust, no, but if I don
' t find out, uh, because I, on the day of the
wedding, the only thing I thought of telling you was to treat me well,
or I' ll sleep with your father and end up calling me Mom.
I' m fine, what happens that three years ago many loved ones
and my family started to die and there was a moment that I did stay
a bit like that. But of course, in these almost three years,
curiously I have become increasingly known, that is, they are dying and I
fulfill my goals and I say, it is clear that God wants a deal
with me. It seems to me very good that they sacrifice themselves for my
own sake I can have them die, because of course I doubt my representative
had just sent me a message that I was proposed for a small and clear
job. My mother came to visit me and eating the bon, said she
swallowed it, and I was, like, a few seconds doubting you.
I say the safe, I don' t save her, I say I
' ll save her. It' s my mom I' m gonna save
it for a better project. Or else, of course. Now I'
m very much in those, I' m very focused. That' s
my life project. I mean with abortions it' s worth or santiabortist destiny
maybe. He doesn' t consider them people. I also thought I'
d get into a hospital. You know how to make monologues. If I
catch them, honey, I' ve got a tail. Or I'
m on the side of a cemetery now and I' m telling you how
many untapped projects. You know, I' m fine less. This summer
I was in August in the Canary Islands. Guys, don' t know
what the fuck I left. I started bleeding in a very rare way and
I started worrying, obviously, and what they tell you first, don'
t look at Google. They don' t tell you that, don'
t Google. You do the first thing you look at on Google. It
was either pregnancy or cancer. And I say fuck, I don' t
know which of the two things suits me. Well, one of the two
options leaves you lifeless, but cancer can kill you, too. I didn
' t spend two days like that, two years changing diapers, those six
months of chemo. I didn' t know what to choose. And I
finally got to Madrid and went, obviously, I went to the hospital and
well, after a lot of tests, I don' t know what.
I don' t know how much a doctor came out and tells me bion
ca codas I say yes, yes. It' s me you' re
talking about at the comedy club. I saw you at the theater. I
say yes, and it says well, because here' s your analysis.
I say mono DOCTOR, whatever it is, I' d like to know
the truth. He liked my monologue. I' m preoccupied with my career
and now that my mother already understands it, because this summer, when she
came, I tell her to get dressed shower that at nine I have to
be at the club. I knew you worked at a club. I say
no mom, that in this club men come with their women. You already
say what you have to do there. He gave them nothing to entertain Notice
that they come to vent and see a happy ending and he says how much
they pay the entrance and I say twenty- two euros. Says shit,
kiddo. When I thought I was gonna die. By the way, don
' t be worried. When I talk about cancer, I see you hunt
worried faces. My friend, the one with cancer, is more excited than
you. I really have a friend and with the ninth operation I already called
him for his birthday and said no no no how it goes. You'
ve been called a lot of people. Yeah, yeah, I' ve
been loved by a lot of people, but no one' s ever told
me to do much more. I was so worried about how much when I
thought I was going to die. I was worried about my little cat dinner,
I named them warriors and they got scared with a fly. I feel
like a mother of this one who thought her son was going to be a
lawyer and she' s already out drug addicted. Seeing I love my cats
and I don' t trust anyone to take care of them later. Good,
' cause there' s my neighbor. Every time I pass with the
sand bag into the trash. Two cats don' t just eat shit and
sleep I say like your son, the forty- year- old says my
son, at least he gives me conversation. I say that' s what
saves me. I know and I also know that my husband' s bastard
is not going to take good care of cats, because one of the jackasses
is going to make a big noise and I say uncle, why don'
t you clean up and come and eat the other one. We' re
underestimating cats. You know they remove negativity from the house or they don'
t remove negativity. He sits on the site with more negativity. Friend taxena,
sit here always to see I was. You know that in every gym
you enter there is a machine that measures your fat you weigh more unnecessary things.
I take out the paper at the end. Sure I say, come
on, let' s measure the fat and all this shit for something.
I pay for the gym and take out the paper and put metabolic sixty-
two years and I what the fuck is that I say, thirty- nine
is the new sixty- two. You know why if I didn' t
explain before the machines treated you well, not his tobacco. Please, now
the door I don' t know what and now it' s calling me
old and also what euphemism that metabolic age is. It' s like I
' m sleeping with a guy and telling him the molecules in your penis are
so tiny. The place to say short pizza, it could also be something
small, wow, something because you have to work is worth. You didn
' t come here just for this we' ll see. You' re
going to have to do one thing that' s vigo, that' s
it, you have to do one thing that' s very simple, but
don' t stop, even if I stop I can stop. Not you
but this can also go up and nothing happens. You guys have to do
it. Pam? Pam? Pam? Pam? Pam? Pam? It
' s like Tun Compan, A Tun Compan, you' re able to
make a minute. That trusts you. Hey, don' t see the
assholes from another bowling alley. You know come play, study your fucking language.
Now it' s your turn to do this Okay, because I'
ve prepared a song so they don' t say I' m not a
full artist. Okay, people go and sing it in shows. I mean,
it' s okay with me, too, so you guys are making
a company, but no higher. That I' m worth it, whether
it' s understood or not. That' s it Don' t stop
until I say it' s okay. I' ve got another one in
my bag for real, that' s right, one, two, three.
I' m forced to sing this song and I know that at such
a level I look like a douche bag to you, but I want you
to know that it cures me a lot. You may think I need a
script, but just with my cool accent Mogollón making a fool of me didn
' t fit into my plans, but it was either that or handing out
hosts like breads applauding me for a minute. If I don' t electrocute
you, let' s go. Thank you very much, thank you very
much, thank you very little, very little,