Adventist Radio London. Inspiration for the song We Welcome the Talking Point with Ray
sen You Po Angeler discussing the hot topics and answering your questions Saturdays five to
seven pm on Adventist Radio London. It's talking Point, it's talking Point,
it's talking Point, it's talking point, real conversations you need to have.
Good afternoon, good afternoon, good afternoon, and welcome to talking Point.
As you said, this is talking point of your conversations you need to have.
And is Sabbath Saturday, the third of February twenty twenty four. Yes,
we're into our second month of the year already, and I hope you've
had a really good Sabbath so far and you have joined us for Talking Point
today. So my name is Angela if in case you were listening here for
the first time, and I am one of the co presenters on this show
along with my fellow co presenters is Senor and Pedro who are joining me on
zoom. It's just me and the studio by myself today. So Pedro,
how's it going. I'm sorry, yes, this is going good. How
you doing difficulties? Have a technical it was it kept popping up anyway,
it's a notification live radio. This is happening. My wife been joining us
today, so that's cool. That's cool. Let's give the little hints as
to what we're going to be talking about. Yes, I'm good, I'm
good. How you doing, Angela? I'm not too bad. Have been
a fully RESTful day today, I was saying, I said, at home,
I seem to have twisted my back a little. Actually, so yeah,
I'm not quite sure what I've done, but yeah, that check.
Last time I twisted my bag, I couldn't work for like two days.
Yeah, so I might have to just do that. I'm not quite sure
what I did all of a sudden, It's like I couldn't. Yeah,
I couldn't bend and do what have you? So, but hopefully I'll be
okay. So good to I say to see you you're actually online with me
today, but for joining us today, and said, yeah, are you
here? Hello? Oh yes, there we go, there we go.
How are we doing? Just cross your legs, cross everything cross, I
am here. Good afternoon, good evening, welcome to Talking boy it.
I do hope that Alista's had a wonderful week and good Sabbath as well.
Cool cool good so Hello, Hello, hello him. So we have said
we have his wife with us today, Tara, so we'll sort of reveal
wife. She's on our joining us today, although she's been on our show
several times before, so she's always welcome, always glad to have her.
So, Hey, they're Tara. How are you hi? So happy to
be here, thank you good good good. So as usual talking point,
we love to kind of hear we like Adventures Radio London. We'd love to
hear from our listeners. So if you'd like to join the conversation and get
involved with what we're talking about today, there's various ways you can join the
show. You can contact us via email at studio at Adventist Radio dot London,
or you can text us at eight triple two eight, write the word
hope and then your message, or you could whatsappers on zero seven four five
nine six four two eight nine eight. So do join the conversation. We'd
love to hear from You'd love to hear your points of view. We've come
into a new month. We spent the last month January doing a series with
one of our resident therapists, Alison Awoku, bringing Down Strongholds, which was
some powerful information and really good stuff. There a really good way to set
up our month. And now we're into our second month. I can't believe
how time has really flown. So before we get into everything, let's say
a word of prayer to bless our show today and then we'll make us start.
Father God, I want to thank you for blessing us with a Sabbath
day, Dear Lord. And as we are coming to the end of a
Sabbath, I pray, Dear Lord that wherever people have been, whatever they've
been doing, they've been worshiping and praising you, Dear Lord. And as
we are going to start our show, pray that you bless our conversation today,
Dear Lord. We're coming into a new month and we have themed this
month talking about love, relationships and marriage, Dear Lord, and the connections
that you have ordained, Dear Lord, and I pray that this conversation will
be a blessed one and blessing to those who are listening. This is my
prayer in your name. Amen. Amen. So, how has everybody's week
been? Like I said, we have speared into February, so month one
has gone and I know I'm talking to some of my friends, what have
you January always seems to be a really long month. Have you guys found
that? Yes? I found it to be a very long one. I
believe it the same thing. Yeah, It's just like and it seems weird
because often every week we talk about how quick the weeks are going, but
January just seems to be long, really low. I have a thought process
on that. For me personally is long because I think I don't know.
Do you guys get paid monthly? I get paid monthly, yes, and
my job always pays me like on the twenty first of December, yes,
And I told them to stop doing that because it throws off my whole routine,
my whole like I don't care it it's Christmas, like it really don't
like, don't pay me because it's before Christmas, because then not only do
you have only have thirty one days in January, then you also have like
the extra ten days that you just got paid before, so now you got
to go to like forty one forty two days of out getting paid. Yes,
that's why to me, it seemed like it was just like forever.
Yeah, And I was just like, I can't wait to the thirty first
so I always said, I hate I hate that. I hate generary for
that reason because it just feels like it just takes along with that. That's
why it's long for me. Yeah, no, I hear that. I
hear that. And the weather is, you know, the weather being how
it's been, We've had well a plethora of different weather weather experiences throughout this
whole month hold of January. So you know, I guess spends on where
you are in the country. I tell you, guys all the time,
you guys complain about the weather, but why it's weather it is? But
I guess it's I guess because it's so changeable. I mean, it's quinter
time. We live in the UK. You know, when I grew up
in New York, the weather was worse because the snowstorm, you're like in
four feet of snow and then you walk outside and it's cold. It's not
even cold, hairs as cold as in New York. Do you know what
I think? It is a lot of countries, it's quite ething's quite seasonal.
We could just need sometimes be sure what the weather is going to be
like over here. See your point, Angela, I got that. I
understand that too, But everybody's always like the weather. The weather. It's
I'm not thinking my opinion exactly, and it is my opinion. All I'm
saying is my opinion. But my point is that you know what you know.
The only thing I do say is that I don't like how when it
gets dark, it really gets dark. Yes, like when it gets dark,
it's like pitch pitch black. Dark is like and then you're driving may
because I'm on the road and I'm driving down these little side roads and i
can't see where I'm going. So I mean, in that retrospect, yes,
but it's it's still weather. It's just rain. I'm not saying because
I said, why you already started me this morning this afternoon said has your
week, bitch? I like that, Angie Jesus Digress. It's been mostly
I I think we're going to touch on it a little bit during our conversation,
but we launched a mental health course on Thursday in a little bit being
time to talk to day and yeah, as always in an organization, we
try to do some initiatives and I know a number of organizations across the nation
would have jumped on that, and yeah, so it's been kind of looking
at mental health once more. And you know, I'm always about looking at
mental health. I think that conversation needs to happen time and time again.
So yeah, it's about talking and today yeah, we're talking. We've already
started, yes, So yeah, that's that's kind of been the main focus,
especially in terms of work. Cool. What does that work? Yes?
Okay, yeah, because I never heard of it this until you guys
bought it up like a couple of days ago or Thursday. Ye, further
time to talk, I've never seen it. Yeah. Yeah, I'm hoping
well, mention it to your manager when you you're back in the office and
see if they can't do something for it. Comes around every year. I
think it's the what first is it? First Thursday and February first? Yes?
The first? Yes, first or first Thursday? As you said,
yes, so make a point pedrol of getting something on the agenda for next
year. Definitely. So as you've mentioned that, that wasn't bring us nicely
into week. Week, My week, oh my week you saying you said,
it's been an interesting one, been very and down, quite stressful at
points through challenges with my mom. But that's the story for another day maybe.
But you know, what I'm here at the end of it. You
know, the week came back, the weekends come around very very quickly,
it would seem. Yeah it was. It was a busy one, a
stressful one, but hey made it through for the Sabbath. Yes, I
think those kinds of weeks make you even more thankful. And I think sometimes,
you know, the idea of actually taking like I was at home today
watching online and it really was the case of sometimes sabbaths can be really busy
for me, and actually sometimes I just have to sort of sit back and
say, you know what it's supposed to be a day of rest. Let
me actually rest and take it easy and you know, not be and sort
of you know, give myself a bit of time to kind of really meditate,
just rest and just you know, be thankful for what for the sabbath,
for what it can be and what it is. So yeah, I'm
really grateful for that. So yeah, So, as you mentioned Time to
Talk, So Time to Talk Day was on Thursday, the first of February.
So it's a campaign run by Mind and I think it's a rethink mental
illness and I think it was being delivered in injunction with co ops so lots
of people do do work con collaboration around that, but basically it's one of
the biggest, sort of the national one of the biggest mental health conversations,
and they're really kind of encouraging people to talk and talk specifically about mental health.
And you know, it was quite interesting sort of look at sometimes that
can be one of the hardest conversations to be having. And you know,
that's going to segue into what we're going to be talking about today about communication
and communication is really key, but there are obviously going to be some topics
that are going to be easier to speak about than others. But mental health
seems to be one of the hardest ones to talk about for various reasons.
And as you said, and Zenya, we talk about mental health. We've
talked about mental health many times on our program. There are so much stigma
surrounding mental health, difficulties and challenges and sometimes the kind of you know,
people are struggling with things, but sometimes people are very reluctant to admit that
to themselves or know where to kind of speak to, you know, who
to go to speak to, etcetera. Who can they look forward for support.
But sometimes it's just really just having a quick chat and checking in with
people. You know, I think after the pandemic and COVID and you know,
the idea that we can kind of you know, checking in on people,
making sure people are all right, say hey, how you doing,
and kind of maybe delving a little bit deeper than just that kind of surface
conversation because often, you know, and I don't know whether you will find
the same thing. Sometimes, you know people you'll see people and say,
hey, how are you and the person will respond, yeah, I'm fine.
But actually, if you were to have a bit more of a conversation,
you soon start to realize that the hey, I'm okay possibly might mean
something else. And I think that was one that was one of the things
that struck me with this year's campaign when they were kind of they were kind
of advertising. Some of the posters were the sort of responses that people might
give. You know, you might ask a question, hey, how it's
going, and somebody may say, oh, I'm not too bad, But
that could actually mean they feel lost or alone, or they feel really burnt
out and stressed. You know, hey I'm fine could mean a whole heap.
So it's really important to dig a little bit deeper. So I don't
know whether you find the same that sometimes you think or we even did it,
and I know I do it myself. There should be there could be
a whole heap going on. I'd be like, yeah, everything's all good.
Yeah, And not only that, I mean I'm guilty of it as
well in terms of being really happy to hear I'm fine, so I can
continue with what's going on with my life or just continue with my day,
not really wanting to dig any deeper. Personally, I'm very grateful that they
haven't divulged all of their you know, their issues and problems on me,
and I think we need to get away from that. As you said,
take the time to dig deep, be willing to dig deep. I know
it's a scary conversation also, as you've said, because we don't know what
we're going to get. Tasting point one of my colleagues speaking to her saying,
oh, you know what, the other day she went home and she
felt like, you know, taking an overdosing and whatnot. And you're listening
to that and you're thinking, oh, how do I how do I respond?
One of the words to say when someone tells you something like that.
And I know a lot people don't engage in mental health conversations because they're scared
of what digging deeper might reveal. But in honesty, sometimes you just need
to listen, yes, not necessarily solve the problem. And also just signpost
people you know what I can't help with that, that's you know, above
me, beyond me, but I know someone who can and sometimes that's enough.
Yeah. So really, I mean there's all top tips where really to
kind of ask questions and listen, you know, think about the time and
place, because you know, sometimes there's a good there's good places, good
times, et cetera. How you can have these kind of conversations. One
of the things they did say is don't try and fix it, which exactly
what you're saying. You know, sometimes if you have the conversation, we
may feel we have to do something about it, we don't necessarily need to
because sometimes, as you said, listening is all we need. And if
you can, obviously you know, as you said, signposts to organizations or
services that can offer the right kind of help or the better and also kind
of you know, try to treat them as you with anybody else, just
because somebody has possibly a mental health illness or difficulty doesn't mean suddenly that you
should treat them any different because that's half their problem. You know, you
feel like you have something wrong with you, and you may have an illness,
but you don't necessarily have to treat them like they do. You know,
having a struggle is not necessarily illness. You know, we all I'd
want to say always like, sometimes mental health could just be they're just okay
somebody that somebody that's drinking alcohol may not be a mental health It may just
be a comfort to them, but they're struggling with that, you know,
and then they trying. They know they don't need to, but they still
doing it. So I don't think. I don't know if that's really like
a mental health illness. It's just more like just an addiction or a Yeah.
I mean I say that they're I say that without like the big umbrella
of that what that could be like. But I guess it's you know,
if somebody opens up to you, the last thing they want is judgment.
You look at them differently, treating them differently, especially they've been vulnerable enough
to open up to you. So it's you know, trying to kind of
love and care from them in the way that you may have done before you
knew what was going on for them. I think something you just need to
be honest with them. And like, I think sometimes people that are going
through things don't think they think they're the only ones that's going through it.
Yes, and if you can kind of just like show them or tell them
or just talk to them and make them understand that they're not the only one.
There's other people, even yourself, like myself or yourself, like we
all go through certain things, and give them a different perspective of that they're
not the only ones that's struggling, because I think a lot of times they
think that they just feel like they're all alone and nobody nobody else is suffering
like them. But there's a lot of us suffering. We just had it
better than they do. Yeah, Well, having the courage to tell someone
that you need to seek help, Yeah, that can be a difficult conversation
as well, but yeah, you are, you are struggling, and you
are you're showing signs of X, Y and Z, and I think it's
time that we look for professional help or additional help or whatever that conversation might
turn out to be, but sometimes it needs a hard conversation or some intervention.
But it's all something that we need to do as as we try to
be each other's keeper, you know, yeah, ultimately patients as well,
because as much as you may try to open up and start that conversation,
sometimes people aren't ready to talk and share. But showing that you're willing,
you know, you sow the seeds as it where sometimes at some point they
may be ready to and you may be that person because you've demonstrated already that
yes, you do care, you are looking out and you may be able
to you know here, So definitely, so you know it's a mental health
you're having. The more conversation we have about mental health, the better,
and I think things are getting better. The awareness is you know, when
you look at the stats, one in four people may have a mental health
difficulty or an illness. So it's something that's I'm going to say, where's
the word prevalent, But it's definitely important to kind of break down that stigma,
open up and then hopefully people will access the support that they need.
So if you do feel that you do need some help, if you are
struggling with something, do reach out to services within your local area. The
organization mind has some great resources on their website. We have our own Cornerstone
Counseling that you can access. You may have had their advert at the top
of the show and we'll play that again later on as well. So do
reach out for support because there is out there. Can be difficult and it's
kind of a scary step at times, but also services listing services like the
Samaritans. You know, there's a phone call, you can text, you
can email, There's lots of services out there, So do reach out if
you do need to. But as I was thinking about obviously the idea of
conversation, I was kind of thinking, it's coming to it's February traditionally though
as that month of love. There's lots of other awareness things and stuff going
on as well. So this month we're going to be looking at kind of
relationships a little bit but love, but ultimately marriage as well. So I
can't really speak to marriage because I'm not married, have not been married.
How we will have some people throughout this month talking about being married and what
married life can be like and how we can kind of maintain enhance and you
know, do the tea things that make our marriages help make healthy marriages.
But communication is clearly one of the key things within relationships and relational connections.
I was talking to somebody today about that, and you know, there's a
lot to be said about communication in itself. Communication is really important, whatever
that communication is. And there's various different styles, different ways to communicate,
whether it's verbal, body language, visual as a whole, there's a whole
thing. So we're going to be looking and you know, one of our
co hosts, and you may have had their show on Advantage Radio London as
well, Pedro and Tara, have a podcast called and I'm going to hand
over to you Pedro to kind of tell us a little bit about that.
Okay, get that way, Okay, I'm going to come back very very
briefly just to kind of just a bntion and I'm sorry. Yeah. So
we have a podcast called Heal my Marriage Podcast. It's on YouTube and it's
on all the different audio platforms, Spotify, I don't need an animal just
pretty much all the platforms where we just talk about and as we kind of
talk about our marriage, we do bring in We usually bring in guests,
but we kind of got away from that. We kind of just talk about
different topics that could affect our marriage and affect other people's marriages, give a
different perspective to it. And like I always say in the podcast, we
do it more just from our personal experience because we're not professionals, but we
we just you know, want to give a different I think sometimes people don't
want to hear the professional. They want to hear like the common man or
just the you know, regular jail the rawness. And we just we try
be as transparent and as truthful as possible. We don't get too we don't
get too we have to hold back some things because you know, it's just
some things you don't need to, you know, say, the marriage is
sacred. But we pretty much go right to the line when it comes to
talking about our marriage and talking about the different things that affected us and affected
affects. I think what is affecting people in the church today also on that
subject. I think the problem that we have is that we don't like to
talk about it. And in the church there's a lot of people that are
suffering right now because they don't want to talk about it, and so that's
why we started this podcast and we talk about marriage because I think you know,
you heard stories where you have the man and a woman and they look
go good and then two years divorce and like nobody knows why, and they're
in the church and it could be like the pastor it could be the elder
and you're like, what happened, you know, because nobody was listening or
nobody was talking to them. So I think we tried to with this podcast.
We're trying to open up that avenue where people will not be afraid to
talk about their marriage and maybe get the help or get the counseling or get
the you know, with each other to get it right. Okay, cool.
So that's a little taste of what's the come. So so really that's
going to be looking at, you know, relationships, marriage and throughout this
month this traditionalised I said, month of Love and we're today, we're going
to be looking at communication and how that is so important as a starting point,
a foundation, the basis of many relational connections, et cetera. But
before we get into that, I'm going to play a track now interestingly called
Speechless, which hopefully we won't be today, but this is by Anita Wilson,
and really she's really speaking about just how great God is. And sometimes
there are words that you can use to describe so that leaves her speechless.
This is Anita Wilson. I can say that you want to fall, but
it doesn't seem good enough. I can say that you're kind, but that
would miss the mark. I can say that you're beat to fall, but
to me, who are so much more? How do I commune a cake
exactly who you are? I'm trying to convey the sentimental my heart and say
I really do appreciate the way you priding up mountain. I can't find the
words to describe. It would take a man. He would take a millions
to explain the way you are. The imitomy you are. They everything out
of fury. I'm so up believe the season. Now. If I had
more time, I would go down the line and name all the things that
cativate my heart. Words, but clearly I'm not aware of words that can
compare. How do I come in a case exactly who you are? I'm
trying to convey the sensors of my heart and say I really do agree.
She hate the way pride in the mountain. Oh, I can't fives to
describe. It would take one. They would take appeal him years to this
way, go the opin idea of everything out. I'm so speech I traveled
recall honor my mind. Yes I did and found there's no express shock.
I can if all the way throughout the heads. Sometime I'm searching for a
word to be safe to sack you take my bread the way if I had
turned down in town, count take yess. Oh God, yes you are
everything now that says say what you are? Everything you know? Yes,
you're part making it every way, got me of everything that burns. Say
did you leave him? Miss bess? Dude, say you leave me here?
I just don't know what to say what you need, miss me said,
I've never got a lawyer said like this. If I can't say as
I don't want you, I'm just said. I'm just saying. If I
can't say I can't, then I'll just wave my hand. Can sign you
side? Well? Tell me? Will you do? Said? Love your
you me speechless? Yes, definitely in awe of you, dear Lord.
That's leaving us sometimes speechless. But hopefully we're not going to speak to this
in this conversation today. I do love the words of that. I mean,
I think the sentiment that sometimes there aren't words to describe just how great
God is and the things we go through, and how he's so great to
us. Sometimes we can't find the words to say. However, we are
talking about communication today and how important it is to communicate and definitely to communicate
within relationships. So we hopefully will not be speechless today. And if you
want to join our conversation, please do. If you want to email,
as you can studio at Adventist Radio dot London. You can text us on
eight triple two eight right open space and then your message. We can whatsappers
on zero seven four five ninety six four two eight nine eight. Now every
week we give out those details. Sometimes we don't get much, we don't
care much from people. I hope people are out there listening. But yes,
don't be speechless. Communicate with us there. We don't know how to
bess. I've been holding in and I can't help, but I have to
say it. I don't know what you mean. Okay, so we're talking
about communication. Now, what is communication? I mean? Okay, I
don't say the question that to you or what is communication? For you all
said, yeah, what's communication? Well, conversation. I think we we
have to be sure to and I think there's a confusion that communication is just
one sided and or I don't know if it's still confusing, but there's a
tendency to make it all about us. Yeah, And for me, communicating
is about speaking effectively or talking and actively listening. It's a two way thing.
And I remember being at a wedding once and I married couple stood up
and they were giving advice to the couple was just married, and they said,
there's three seeds to marriage. And I was busy thinking and I came
up with a few in my head. I was like, hmm, communications,
one of course, compromises, another commitment is maybe one? Christ is
one And the guy said communication and the woman said communication and the guy said
communication. The three seeds but then the three seeds to marry to a successful
marriage was communication? Yes, yeah, have been gone like one year.
I'm just it's the baby in this, but I see the point. It's
all about communication for me. The other things too. But if we're not
communicating with each other, and we're not communicating first and foremost with God,
then I don't know how we make it. Yeah, I agree with that.
Yeah, we we We always say that communication is the number one.
I think when we first did our first podcast, that's what we did.
We did it on communication. It was about an hour and a half two
hours, and that's how long it can go. It could have went longer,
but it's definitely the most important thing because if the other person doesn't know
what the other person's feeling, then that's where I think a lot of mishaps
happen. A lot of miscommunication happen where people don't understand because like Tyl could
be doing something any the wife could be doing something and not communicating why she's
doing it. The husband takes it the wrong way and then it goes off
the rails because he gets in his feelings when she had a valid reason for
what she was doing, or even if it's not valid, but it's still
just you know, they if they're not communicating and talking to each other,
they're gonna have it just That's what I think. Small, like, the
smallest arguments is the ones that are worse than the big arguments to us.
To tire myself, I think the big arguments, you know, there's a
big argument. So you tend to be more communic community, to be more
attentive and communication about it. But there's a little things. It's almost like
you say to yourself, it's small. I don't need to say it,
well, I need to say that he should know that he should or she
should know that. So you don't say it, and those are the ones
that turn out to be the biggest arguments, biggest problems because you don't you
don't communicate even the mind new smallest detail sometimes be specific sometimes because if you're
not specifically, you don't say this is why it makes it makes everything just
changed, because then you I'm gonna use us. There's been times where we've
been like having a discussion and then like ten minutes then she'll say, well,
this is why I did that, And I said, why did you
say that ten minutes ago? Because some wouldn't we want to be talking for
the last time. Sometimes I think for me, I don't know for every
other woman in a relationship of marriage. Sometimes I may assume that you should
know how I feel, well, what I'm thinking, instead of actually telling
you what I'm thinking. To individuals, that's what I'm saying. We are
two individuals. But I think sometimes when you've been with a person, you
think they should know already, and and that's totally discounting the whole The whole
thing could have been squashed if you just would have just said how you feel.
And that's why small things can go so big. Well, to be
fair, sometimes I do know, but you know, I still want you
to say it, because I don't know. I don't assume. Well,
it's just like praying to God. God knows what we're gonna pray about,
but all he wants to do is to tell him, So you have to
if you impluence in your marriage and you just want us to ask, Yeah,
you just want us to ask or tell him. And I think that's
the same thing that can go into marriage if you just let the know what
you're feeling without because I think sometimes too, if a person in a relationship
they don't I don't know, if it's a bit of trust that they don't
have that they don't feel like they want to share with their partner at that
time, you know what I mean. And I think it's just building up
to that point to say, Okay, this is how I'm truly feeling without
feeling rejected from your spouse. Yeah, well sometimes not just being rejected,
but like how you say, I know what they're going to say, so
I'm not going to say it. So why even ask the question? Because
I already know the answer to the question. Now you don't know that unless
you ask the question. Yeah, as well, and that's communicating yes,
and as you're saying that. But I was looking at a sort of a
definition of kind of what communication is. One thing that I found was,
you know, communication really is a process of sending and receiving messages, whether
it's through verbal or non vertifle kind of messens. And as as you says,
zen, yeah, it's a two way means of communication, whether it's
information, the form of thoughts, opinions, ideas between whether it's two people
or a group of people. But ultimately with the purpose of building and understanding,
because you're trying to get a message across that hopefully the receiver is going
to be able to understand, get where you're coming from, et cetera,
et cetera. Often the problems are when we don't really understand the messages that
are being conveyed, But ultimately that's what we're trying to do and within relational
a relational context, that's incredibly important, and it may you may have to
communicate in different ways to maybe get your point across. Really have that level
of understanding. So everything that you're saying there is so true. And when
I kind of think about, you know, what sort of God wants us
to do? There are so many sort of texts in the Bibles that really
kind of underpin some of that idea as well, in terms of how we
communicate and what we should be communicating, you know, whether it's actually when
do you think about it? Actually, we want our communication to be positive.
So a text like Ephesians four twenty nine would say, do not let
any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is going to
be helpful for building up others according to their needs that it may benefit those
who listen. So again, I want it to be a positive interaction.
There are quinite of a few things in Proverbs that will talk. I think
is Proverbs eighteen thirteen will say that really to answer before listening, that is
fully in shame, and Proverbs eighteen two says fool's found no pleasure in understanding,
but delight and airing their own opinions. So again, what's going to
be the most important thing that we're being said is about our voice being heard
or really hearing to understand and listen. I actually when you when you brought
that up, I actually thought of something we were just talking with the communication
part. The listening. The listening is very important in the communication because it's
just like it's just like when we pray to God, we have to listen
for his answer. Yes, don't listen for his answer, you go off
and do your own thing. So with the with your spouse or with your
partner, you if you're not listening to what the other person is saying,
you can't you're not going to your response is gonna be off because you're not
listening. So we you know, listening is very important. You said it
in the second memory verse. You know by listening, it's very important to
listen because if you if if you listen, then the other person would know
that you actually are paying attention, so then they may be more apt to
say everything and not hold stuff back. I think when you if the person's
talking to you, they see you're really not paying attention, they kind of
say, you know, he's not. They're not even paying attention. Why
am I? Why am I spilling my guts if they're not paying attention.
That's true, And it goes to what I was. I was looking up
something that was talking about listening barriers where it can be different, different and
difficult for people to listen to someone if they preoccupied in their own thoughts and
if they got stuff going on in their own mind, there's no way they
can sit and listen to you and empathize with how or what you're feeling or
what you may be going through. And I think that's what we have to
do when we're talking to our spouses. We have to then turn off whatever's
going on in our minds to actually listen to what our spouses are saying and
not be thinking about all the things. Well that's what that's where you if
you're having a discussion, it's a time and the place you can't have As
as soon as I walk to the door, you can't can I do that?
I listen like life and death, you can't have it. Like if
I just came out the shower, like you know, like give me a
minute to get myself together, then okay, I need to talk. You
know so is Listening is definitely the like the major point of communication when you
listen to because then you start listening now verbally when you when you listen,
you can you can pick up things now verbally that the other spouse is telling
you my eye contact by the head nod gestures or you know, you can
just see in their face like oh yeah, this is not they don't like
this. Okay, I need to I need to pivot to something else.
And it's important too to repeat what your spouse have said so they can know
that you're getting that's only because you can't hear. No, I'm just saying
I think. I think it's important because no, this is fro I'm experience,
isn't it. I guess yes it is. Because sometimes if you're talking
to me and I'm all tuned out and I can't even repeat what you said,
I didn't receive it. That's true, that's what you're talking about,
because you didn't. You didn't you didn't take the barrier down. You were
still thinking about other things while I'm talking to you. Right three to use
that for the five steps ahead already in in in the conversation or in the
communication part where I'm past you already because I'm thinking of something else. So
that's what the barriers need to come down. You need to just take one,
one thing at a time and listen to what the person is saying so
the person person can be receptive to you. I guess see, because I
used to say, like you heard me the first time, I ain't repeating
myself, and be honest, maybe half the time I really didn't hear you
half the time. None, none of that. So and you you were
talking that, I'm thinking to myself how important is And I'm sure you mentioned
or somebody mentioned active listening. So okay you said that activistic. Sorry see,
actually wasn't here, Probably there I said, took that from us.
I remember her saying that, so that, you know, obviously we demonstrated
just how important that is. So what what tips then could we suggest or
can we think of that could be utilized to improve our listing skills? Oh?
I would say, don't be don't you know, don't take it to
heart of everything that the person is saying. You know, don't be so
defensive, you know, be able to accept criticism and and to just be
open to whatever they are saying, because you may not agree with everything,
but you can then steal come to a common ground where you be like,
Okay, I don't agree, but let's try this or let's see what works.
You know what I mean, don't close down the hold or tours whatever
it is you guys are talking about. Mmmined that the past to open up
with, because that's what I'm going to say this. He said, it's
okay to not be. He said, it's okay to not be okay,
And I think that's that's that's open too to any marriage. It's okay if
your marriage has got a rough spot. It's okay if you arguing with each
other. It's okay if you guys are not getting along for that moment.
Because we're too two individuals. We're two different well, same beliefs, but
you know what I mean, two different demeanors, two different thought process and
I know as marriage couples you're supposed to be one, but there's still that
you're still fighting. You know, you're still fighting, you know, like
you know you're still fighting. I want to do it this way, other
person will do it that way, and you have to come together. So
you're going to have moments where you're just not going to get along. But
it's how you handle it, how you communicate, how you listen to each
other, how you interact with each other, how you say, okay,
just what we need to You know, I don't agree with just saying,
but I'm gonna try it compromise, you know, I think, and I
think for me to avoid the silent treatment, like don't don't sit there and
don't say anything. You know what I'm saying, like, talk to them,
let them know what's going on, because I know, for me,
I could become quiet and be like, I'm just not gonna talk anymore.
Now you don't do that. You say, I've already said what it has
to say and I'm not saying nothing else. Yeah, but I'm saying.
But then that's then the solid treatment, because then I choose not to then
communicate, and then the breakdown happens there because I'm choosing not to talk about
whether how big or how small it is, you know what I mean.
And then when we just do talk about it and it builds up, then
you jump into conclusions. Then you just everything just hit in the wall.
When you just could explain yourself in the beginning. Yeah, I'm ahead thoughts
on because you know you've been talking about, you know, the idea active
activisting and how important listing is for me, and I'm gonna throw it out
to put you and power as well. I've found in my only you know,
five days in sort of thing that I get weary of talking M And
for me, communicating and proving that you have listened is in your follow through
M. So I get a lot. I get disappointed when I've said something
a million times. And this is not even just in marriage. It's it's
when I'm talking to my son or you know, when I've said, please
make your bed when you wake up, or please put the seep down,
or the put a cup away when you're done using it. And I will
say that a million times, and when I come around to the table,
there it is, you know, everyone's left the table and the cups are
still there, and I'm thinking, well, that's not communicating. Somewhere along
the line there was a disconnect because I couldn't have said it, you couldn't
have received that. I've not done anything about it. M. It's when
things like that happen, I slowly peel back, or I'll pull back,
and as you said, Tara, here comes a silent treatment. Or I
didn't take the cop up and fling it in the sink, right, you
know that maybe I was looking at somebody said the quarter to eight hour rule.
So like, if you it's something that you that your partner has done
to you that makes you angry, when it's the most important time to bring
it up, and it was just saying, wait for to eight hours just
to see how you feel, think about it, think about what you're gonna
say, and then if it's still bothering you after that, then talk to
your spouse and say, look, this been bothering me. And then when
you normally say but when you But what I had to learn was stop saying
you you you, and then just saying this is how I feel, this
is this is how this made me feel, instead of making them feel like
they're the victim or making them feel like they I'm the victim of the data
perpetrating. So you're basically just trying to You want to bring them into the
conversation. You want to want to you know what I'm saying, You want
to connect. Well, if they feel like you're then throwing stuff at them,
they're going to put up a defence. Then you're gonna start arguing.
Then you're never gonna get to the point, and you're never gonna understand why
you're upsetting in the first place, and then you don't never get anywhere.
Then the breakdown communication, everything just goes down here again. It's a time
of place. Like you said earlier, I didn't want to say it then
because people would have thought I was being funny because they don't know how we
bound to with each other. When you were talking earlier about how you know
you're shut down, I was like, well, fine, I just walk
away. That's good. I just just walk away. I'm like, all
right, you want to be quiet, I'm going upstairs. See you later.
I'll go for a drive. But you'll be amazed. Her arguments can
get really worse when a person becomes silent. Yes, that's why I walk
away, so that we're not around each other, because if we're around each
other we're silent. It does get end, but it used to in some
marriages. If a person becomes silent, somebody made, somebody understand abusive of
somebody may get mad and trying to force talk about when you're not ready right.
But that's what I'm saying, like what I was going to say is
what you just but what you just said like walk away at discussion or like
I find that when you have a when you have a disagreement or something like
with the dishes, or like you says saying you're with the cups, if
you okay, you walk away and then you come back a couple hours later,
and then you it always a conversation always ends up on that subject,
and then you're like, well, you know earlier, when you did this,
it really bothered me, you know, or like even like as a
matter of fact, even cause the pastor today was saying he choose, he
choose loudly. So his wife was like, you're not really, don't like
when you know, people make a lot of noise when they chew or when
they but she didn't direct it to him. She just kind of generalized it.
And he was like, you know, he's he's eating and he's thinking.
He's like, wait a minute, are you talking about me? No,
not really, I'm just saying you know that, you know, you
know, it would be nice if it was a little bit quieter when we
eat, you know. So there's ways to do things and say things I
think sometimes it's the presentation that causes the reaction then and then it just it
just blows out because like I would pick the cups up and throw them in
the garbage. I'm not sorry, I would pick them up and throw them
in the garbage. And then when they go looking for the coup come to
the garbage, hight in the garbage because nobody want to get it was just
me, you know what, use you said the same, but you really
meant the garbage or the bench. And then I thought, that's a very
expensive solution there, you know what sometimes spends the solution needs to be made
to make a point. But you see something like what you're saying to be
able to get to an understanding is there kind of so maybe I'm going to
use the word work to do or kind of getting to a place where you
do understand each other to be able to kind of know what those things will
be on how you may respond or react to certain things you say about work.
You got kind of cut off for a minute. Oh, I was
saying in terms of getting to a point where you kind of are understanding how
the other person may respond to what you're saying and doing. Et cetera,
and how you then would respond, Is there anything you could you could do
beforehand? So that should be when you're in a situation or having a conversation
that maybe doesn't go as you plan or you know, and you're having a
conversation almost like the groundwork or laying the foundation turn out of knowing how each
other will be to enable you to understand each other better within your conversations.
Like I said with the if I know how I's going to respond to certain
things, because she's emotional sometimes in certain things, and if I if I
say something to her in a certain way, I know she's going to get
defensive right away. So I've learned to say it like a matter of fact
instead of pointing a finger or saying it like deliberately or directly. So I'll
like maybe just like bring it up as a conversational point or like or like
you know, just kind of like you know, I was reading this and
you know it says that blah blah blah, and then she's not thinking that
I'm actually like coming directly for her, because I think sometimes yeah, learn
your partner's triggers because sometimes you know, you just just saying it like like
she said, you you did this that automatically, right, there's gonna put
anybody in the defensive and you're going to be like, what what you mean
me? What about all the things you do? You do this, you
do this, and you part it bring up Oh yeah, you go right
to the past. You go back to you go back to me. Yeah,
it just brings it just it's take you to a place where you don't
need to be, because then then your marriage is now in a hard place
because now you can't even now you can't even get through the conversation. But
then now you're putting old stuff in to what you're trying to into the conversation
that don't even need to be there. You see again, that's because you
never did heal from that old problem. And that's the way the trauma comes
because you never you never fix the problem that you're bringing up, now,
you know what I mean? And then now you got one problem on top
of the next problem, then on top of the next problem, and then
you never hear from each problem. So how do you hear from that?
Heal? How do you heal from your past hurt? Talk about that hurt,
that that that got you to still be talked. Why are you talking
about it now? You know what I mean? You have to address the
issue because if you don't, then your partner don't know. Your partner don't
know what you think in all twenty four seven, they only know unless you
tell them. And I think it's important to address That's I have to learn
that in our relationship, is to address those hard things that's causing me to
still be in that place that we can't even have a new cover, a
new argument without breaking up the old. Right. Yeah, I like what
you said about knowing knowing the triggers. Yeah, it's really good. It's
really I'm sorry because in in communication, if I know what's going to trigger
her, I'm going to try to stay away from those from those words or
those trigger words are even those actions you know, I'm going to stay away
from that. I'm gonna be like, Okay, deliberately, I'm not going
to because I know if I do this, she's going to be like,
like if I start screaming at the top of my lungs, she's gonna be
like, oh my goodness, that's how he was when we first met.
Now he's right back to that again. Is he going to go back to
the always like it's a natural human element that you start thinking that way,
you know, so you have to be mindful and is and what we say
most times in marriage is work. It's like it's like it's your first job.
You work hard. This thing is marriage is not easy. It's not
made to be easy. It's made to be hard. And I think,
just like how godless things happen to us, it builds character, builds your
it builds your soul, It builds your spirit, your soul. It just
builds you to be a better person when you get married, because it teaches
you things that you probably would never got unless you had that, you know,
other partner. When you're just by yourself, you're not going to learn
the things that a married person will learn. Single people will learn certain things
that single people will learn. But marriage people, marriage people, you know,
you learn, you learn how to forgive. Yeah, you right,
COMPASSIONTII And I think I have to mentally, I have to mentally say to
myself, is it really necessary for me to to go there? You know,
I know if I go there? That was my next point. Yeah,
right, it's gonna start. We're gonna start an argument over what at
the end of I don't even know what we're arguing about. Do you give
it a So what's the point I would have. Yeah, when you said
no the trigger and you said no the triggers, I also thought, know
the place and the time as well. Definitely, like I I'm a very
big I'm very big on keeping private things private. Yeah. Right, so
if we're out and something comes up, I'd say let's talk about it at
home. And again it applies to all relationships. I try not to embarrass
my son, embarrass my husband. I try not to you. If there's
an issue and it's really burning me, I say, you know, let's
step aside, because in front of everyone else, he's you know, he's
king wow, that kind of thing. So yeah, as well as knowing
triggers, i'd say no the time and place, and also not even just
in terms of that, it's like, maybe the best time to have the
conversation is when we're all loved up. Maybe the best time to have the
conversation is out after dinner or something like that. You know, maybe you
give yourself time to calm down before you go into the compilation. But you
know what that was talking about not embarrassing your spouse. It made me think
about you remember when we used to live in Bermuda and you used to do
this thing when we was in front of people, where Peter used to be
like like, he'll say things that was smart and if he embarrassed me,
and he used to do it in front of people, and it got to
the point I didn't that it bothered me so bad. I was telling my
friend about it and I was like, now, why do you do that?
Why do you embarrass me? Why do you say certain things that I
don't like, you know, in fro the people, and and and that's
that was the growing part in our marriage because I see where we are now
versus where we are then, and I was like, he would never do
that now. But before I that was and we didn't know how important that
was. I may still that slip up, do you. I'll be honest,
I mean may. I'm not personally all brain my mouth before my brain,
so like I'll say something and they be like, oh y, I
shouldn't have said that. Okay, we'se there because I want to find out
how YouTube Tar and Pege got to the point where you are now. So
we're gonna take a quick music break, and I'm going to play Dietrich Hadden
sudden marry Mary, love him like I do because I guess we do.
So we'll be right back after this. Is it break? What's a game?
What's a game? Passed through the church, my folks saying, friends,
listen to these roads, see God segment from myself when no one else
was around, and it's only mercy. It's fabe because I know I don't
desert love you show. Let you know my seeing that a testimony have received
my soul. I was just a scening in the cool. You need a
second chance seeing me from myself into my rescue when I needed he. You
won't know that me said I was. He took me from the battle and
put me on the top. You need his hands on me, and now
I keep she come to swell the man mad, my other I who happen?
That's what my had and I love them. Somebody told me that we
become my auntiest the mad and you wouldn't be if I that thing used to
parents me. God let me through a test and he throws the very best
me. Never forget what a mean man. Tell you what sad. Let
me tell you what love it. Yes, that's why I love him like
I do now. Before this music break, we were having a very good
discussion on listening. We're doing a lot of talking around that, and one
of the things that actually and then you kind of highlight it as well,
is in the you know, the importance of kinds of really understanding each other
and whether it's sometimes they're trigger points or the things that are going to elicit
certain responses and reactions from people, and how we can effectively, how we
can use that kind of knowledge effectively in the communication that we have, because
ultimately we want each other, we want to understand each other. So if
you kind of know whether it's the best time to have that conversation or the
things to say or not to say in terms of again in the response that
you want, that can only be really a good thing. So Pedro and
Tara, tell me how long you two have been married. We've been married
eighteen years. Eighteen years, yeow, so sure I've been married at eighteen
long but lovely years. Okay, So I'm sure, I'm sure. I
mean, I'm not going to have d a rhetorical question. Communication has played
a big part within your relationship, your marriage and some of the things that
I was actually in the past five years. Communications played a big part in
Okay. In the beginning, for me, communicating was was hard. Hard.
I used to be afraid to say how I felt to the point where
it had my side to levels high and I just it was, you know,
it was hard for me to even speak what I felt because I think
at the time, I know, I know at the time Pedro was I
would say, my husband was like an angry person, so like trying to
talk to him made me feel afraid. Yeah, He's like if I felt
like if I said something to him, he was gonna it was gonna blow
up. I couldn't even finish the whole sitten. Yeah, it blow it
blowed up. It blew up really fast before we was able to see our
communication was not good at all. And so and I think that's why we
had so many issues in the beginning, because just being afraid to speak to
your spouses. I would say, it's hard. Is hard when you feel
like you can't even say how you feel, or just just just saying look,
or just me saying to Pedro, I don't like how this made me
feel. Me I was just afraid to speak discussion. Yeah, just have
another discussion, and I will say we have grown from that point. Yeah,
because having that difficulty then to communicate. How did that impact your How
did that impact the relationship? Relationship was ten years at best. We loved
each other, we did, but I think part of the problem was that
I have been divorced twice, so I brought a lot of that baggage with
me into this marriage where we didn't talk about at the beginning of a long
communication. We didn't have counseling. We didn't so I would say, always
have counseling before you get married, because it gives the counseling. Some people
say, I don't do counseling, but the counseling will allow whatever issues,
underlying issues maybe happening to come out where you at least know what you're getting
into. I think neither one of us knew what was getting into for Taara,
for me, for me, for tar it was more that she was
just I won't say mature, because she was immature. Let me finish.
She was mature, but you was young, so you had a lot of
you had a lot of certainty was you was You was definitely afraid of my
ex wives or like in the sense of me going back, like me getting
and then going back to them, which I told you, I never go
backwards. I just don't go backwards. And once I'm done, I would
say the insecurities lies the security. The insecurities lives there because I wasn't,
you know, being with someone that has been married before you sometimes well for
me, I felt like, are you going to go back to them?
As some cause children and stuff already and me walking into the marriage. And
I'm not going to say I didn't have baggage, but I didn't have baggage
in the sense of being married before having children, which is something I always
did experienced. I just didn't have experience being in a serious relationship, being
prepared and ready for you know, a step mom, and just walking in.
I didn't really know what all with it all involved, even though my
parents were telling me, are you ready for a man that's much much experience
as he's compedal sen years older than me, So to be with someone that
has had technically okay, well, being with someone that has that much experience
before I even walked in was challenging for me. I knew I wanted to
be with him, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to fulfill the
role that I was walking into. That makes sense, Yeah, yeah,
yeah, So then sort of fast forward. I mean, Pedri, you're
saying that communication has played a huge part or maybe you're better communication over the
last five years. What kind of got you to that point? And yeah,
how did that? I'll give you a quick rundown. So pretty much,
actually more than that six years where he got here, the communication got
better. I would say, once we moved away from everybody, Yes,
and I know that's gonna sound mean, but honestly, once we moved there,
once we moved away, wemoved ourselves from our families and our friends.
And it's not and not that not that the family and friends were doing anything
wrong. It was just there's a lot of influence. Once we once it
was just us and the pandemic hit, it forced us to come together and
and communicate that and learn each other. Finally, I don't think some people
in marriage to take the time to actually learn their spouse right and what they
and what their triggers are and what they don't like and and I don't think
we take the time to do that because we so were so involved with our
own feelings and what we think should be and what we think our spouse should
be instead of learning them for who they are and getting to know them.
And because sometimes if you really take the time to get you to know your
spouse, you'd be like, wow, I didn't know that this was this
was you, and you see a whole different way of who it is.
Right. So we like because we went through three different stages. Our first
stage was living in New York and Alabama, and I was just mean and
nasty and and mad all the time, breaking things. I booked my hand
one time, punching the silliness, punching the wall or the whatever, yeah,
in the kitchen whatever. Yeah. Yeah, that was just stupid.
It lost my job for that and everything all I did was hurting myself and
my family. And then we went into the second phase when we moved to
Bermuda and we went through more face. That was a second phase where we
just started started. It started to get better, but it was getting worse
at the same time. If that like, it was getting better, but
so we would take two steps forward, take ten steps back, take a
step forward, take five steps back. We was we was trying to we
was fighting through it, but we kept going backwards until we had a conversation
and Tal was like, if you don't change, I'm going to leave.
So I reached out to Pasta and then we started. That's when we first
got counseling. Okay, and then that's where we started to build on our
marriage from that point. But we still was tow was still because all the
past trauma. She was still very what's the word. She was still very
wary of me going back to my old ways. And you know what,
you know what really helped me through the process is that seeing my parents together
for thirty our years, seeing them married, going through their differences, the
good or bad, they still was together. And I think that was in
my mind and I think seeing that and being around that allowed me to stay
in our marriage and wanted to work it out rather it got bad or however,
and it did get bad at some points, but I still was never
at the thought of, Okay, I'm a divorce to my husband because it's
just not working out and I'm not just gonna walk out doing the hardest time.
So I think that's what seeing the stability in my parents really helped me
to stand. You know state the course what we was going through at the
time. Yeah, and now in terms of you know, where you are
now, in terms of your communication, the way which you communicate better,
how is that now impacting your relationship? I have a weird well, I
was thinking about that. We actually communicate very weird. I think, yeah,
we we we communicate on the phone, okay, because and this is
reason why. Because my facial she doesn't like my facial expressions. So we're
talking sometimes I may just start laughing, or I may just make you know,
like I may just make like a scout face, like what are you
talking about? What you That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. So is
a weird thing. So we started to realize that me being old, a
lot, a lot of our conversations happened during the day, during the morning
and when I'm going to my first job, or just throughout the day in
between jobs, and we seem to have a better and then we communicate better
on the phone. We set the groundwork for how the comet, how this
conversation is going to go. So then when we do see each other,
we've already kind of talked about it, and then the conversation is just more
about compromising, figuring out what we're gonna do. And we and we've already
let go of the feelings that we may have if we had the conversation in
persons. Interesting And I know that sounds weird, but that's how that's what
works for us, right, I find it. I find it more effective
for us because it's like me seeing, like Peter saying, me seeing his
facial expressions because if he's if he's looking a certain way, it's going to
make me feel like you make me feel like I'm stupid something or or So
I'm just saying that's how I honestly feel and I'm like, I don't like
the way you're looking. So will does is changing the narrative on how we
communicat in that way has allowed us to keep talking to each other without they
can't have a conversation in person. I don't want people think we don't conversation,
we don't commensate in person, but majority of our biggest conversations we talk
on the phone. Well just because I'm always on the road. Yeah,
So it just worked out that way. I think now in our marriage now
we could definitely have a conversation a big conversation in person, right, I
can definitely come in and I won't make face. I won't make I can
definitely come to pro now and be like how I'm feeling about the situation and
be honest, happened five years Yes, So I say, I say,
we're in a better place so we can talk to each other and we're actually
listening. And I think it's important that I'm not on my phone or something
like that or something that distracted me not allowed. Could you please take your
phone? Right? So we didn't have we didn't have arguments about that.
Put your phone. Now, I'm trying to talk to you, blah blah
blah, and I'm doing something else. So you know, it's it's just
learning and experience and you know, trial and error and just seeing you know,
what works for you. I think that today to you in the car
and jumps outside me from this conversation is learning. It's like, you know,
marriages is not static. So where you were then and you pulling together
the pieces, figuring out what works for you and what works for you might
not work for me, or what works for you as a couple might not
work for myself. Angela. You know, so it's learning what works and
building on that. And I know we before. I think it was offline
that we had this conversation, but you said commitment was key. We're talking
about communication. But I like how you link them both together here because you're
saying it's your commitment that made you push through and stick to the marriage,
communicating through working through the marriage, And I like how you sort of married
the two of them. Sorry, you've put the two of them together,
commitment and communicating and on. It's a learning curve and it's a process and
you're still learning. You said that, you know you're still making mistakes,
and we all make mistakes, but it's about getting If it wasn't for my
commitment to God to shoot with him, I don't think my commitment love and
my marriage would be it's where it is today, and I think that's what
allows me to be committed and then learning to communicate at the same time.
Yeah, because you didn't tell him what you did. Like when I was
when I was the meanest to her, my wife would pray over me.
I did while I was sleeping. I didn't even know this. She told
me this later, so she'll like put her hands on me and because I'll
say this, even when we had our worst arguments, we still slept in
the same bed we did. We may not talked, we may not have
been talking to each other, but we never read. The only time we
ever slept the part is if she was visiting her mom, or when I
had my bike accident and I couldn't lay in the bed for like three months
or four or five months, it was a while, right, But otherwise
for that, we've never been separate from each other in that aspect. And
she said she is a prayer over me and put her hands on me and
just pray over me. It's like, I know he's a good man,
he could be better. And I didn't even notice because I'm snowing my butt
off, so I didn't, you know, know this was happening. But
you know, I think having I think Tower's belief and love for the Lord
and knowing that I am a good person. I'm just broken. Is also
a point that in a marriage you need to have somebody that's strong, that
can hold it together, because even if one person is not completely on board,
if you have the other person that's all in, if they you know
it can't it may not always work. But if God, anything works.
So my point is that it will work, you know, And that's how
we ended up with our marriage. I got a quick question for you,
sorry, talk about the baggage. I mean, what what what was baggage
for you? Or what handy baggage for for any relationship? What's that stuff
that you brought into the relationship. I'm a lot of anger because I just
had one thing I'd never do is I'll never talk bad about somebody, So
I'm not going to start now, but I will say this that there was
just things and it was my fault too, because I had some part of
it. I had a lot of part of the two. I guess for
me, it was just I was in a very toxic relationship. Just it's
like the more we got together because I was married for like seven years when
I met Tara, and it seemed like the more we tried, the worst
I got like we were because I was like Tar, I was fighting for
my marriage. I was like, I'm gonna I don't care, I'm gonna
make this work, you know, And I think along the way, it
just broke me. It just kind of it kind of just broke me.
Are you angry? It made me angry because and I wasn't say I was
even angry with God. I was more angry with myself because I was trying.
I was trying to be community, to communicate. I was trying to
be the good husband. I was trying, and it just would not work.
Then I met tar and she was when we first got together, she
was so intent on thinking that I was going to go back or just you
know, just scared of certain things that I was like, no, I'm
not, and like she was, and she was not active listening. She
wasn't listening to me. I was telling her these things in the beginning,
but she wasn't listening. So then I just I just gave up then and
was like, okay, fine, says you're not listening, you know whatever,
I'm just going to be mad all the time. And so I think
I just bought just baggage of just my past experience and just and then even
before that, the marriage before that, and then I think even my upbringing.
I think sometimes if we don't fix our upbringing or we don't address our
upbringing, it can carry into your marriage. No matter what age you was.
You could be forty and get married, but if you have something happened
to your attendant you never addressed. Even at forty, it's still going to
affect you. So you know, there was things that happened to me over
the years that just really like that. It just I was just in a
really bad place. I was just angry all the time. And I don't
even know why. I think he wanted a lot of answers that that couldn't
that that that wasn't answered for you in the sense of you not having your
biological father right, and you know, your biological father didn't raise you.
It was just you and your mother. So I think once we went to
Bermuda and you met with your father for the first time in a long,
long, long time, that's it was a shocked that he actually came and
at dinner. Yeah, I think that. Yeah, I think that whatever
questions you had for him, he answered them. And I think that's what
you wanted. You wanted it to know why why? Because don't no one
want to be rejected, And you know, no one want to feel rejected
or especially rejected from their parents. Nobody wants that somebody. People want to
feel loved, they want to feel wanted. And I think for you and
I think that's why through your other marriages, the rejection that you experience as
a young person, even ongoing just didn't allow you to receive you know what
I mean. Yeah, But at the same time, I think it made
me a stronger person because it made me want to help more people. I
will go out of my way to help strangers, right, I mean like
literally just help them, like groceries and carry it ten blocks down the street
for them. And I think twice about it, because it just I just
wanted to help somebody, right, And I think that what happened to you
is that having to fail marriages before you were angry about that because it's not
something you wanted to end. It's just something that had happened, you know.
You the first one, she was eighteen. Yeah, I was twenty
twenty, so I knew that that was communication. I knew we didn't communicate,
and that's why that didn't work. Second one, we communicate it,
but it just it was stubbornness right on both ends, Yes, on both
ends. Yeah, yeah, I'm talking about both sides. Yeah, yeah,
it was stubbornness. Right. So when you when you're dealing with someone
that has has has di with brokenness in their life, and you get married
and you don't talk about those things. I think it's important for the person
to to you share everything with your spouse and whether it's you want them to
hear it or not, and maybe they can help you through that that hurt
that you're going through. You know, they probably can't give you an answer,
but they probably can, you know, help you through the process of
why you're angry and you know, and all of those things. Yeah.
Yeah, that was kind of the baggage that I had. I just like,
when you say baggage, it's just to like say, I mean,
this is a Christian program, so I can't really say some of the things
I can really deep deep into, but we may get you know, censored,
so I'm not gonna do that, so I gotta be mindful of that.
But yeah, it's just pretty much. Yeah, it was just mental
baggage, physical baggage, spiritual baggage. I was, you know, I
was, I was still talking to the Lord, but I don't think I
was totally connected as I should have been. And do you think things would
have been very different if you hadn't been open enough to share these things with
each other? What do you think is sort of what would have been the
impact if because sometimes you know, people sometimes in relationships, I don't want
to kind of bring up what's happened before. They may think, actually,
that's not relevant to my current relationship. I've put all that behind, et
cetera, et cetera. But you know, maybe in your experience or what
you would say to anybody else, actually, is it important to kind of
be open and bring those things in to kind of acknowledge it release, et
cetera. I would say so because when we came and talk to each other
about the things he experienced, he was listening. He really wanted to know,
like, what's going on, Why are you're feeling this way? And
you know, it's important for a person to have their compassion with you when
you when you when you're talking about things that you have went through that hurt
you that you have are suppressed. So because he was willing to sit and
listen and you know, gave me a hug and I'm crying and he's there
and he's a getting sentimental as well, it allowed us we had a moment
of we had a period in that marriage and we talked about those hard things
vulnerability, vulnerability, and I think getting to know each other still and having
those vulnerable moments helped us. We didn't realize how much at that time because
we still have them, but you'd be surprised. You you suppressed things,
and it's still stuff that I'm thinking, like, wamn it that happened,
like because sometimes you think maybe it was a dream or maybe somebody else did
it, And then that happened to me, right. I think when I,
you know, when you came to me and said talked to someone,
I went bro I was like, wow, you went through that, Like
I'm so sorry you went through that, and you know the and vice versa
what he said to me. And I think when we opened up that box
and being vulnerable to each other, it allowed us to connect even more and
to probably even share even more. And sometimes you don't realize what you're doing
early on in your marriage until later that allowed you to get to where you
are that you was willing to open up and share those those embarrassing moments or
that you feel that's embarrassed to your spouse, because some people hold stuff into
into the grave and don't even say anything and don't even talk about it and
it really hurts them. As time going on, you know, you think
there's a do you think there's the right time to do it? Is it?
Is it? Yeah, it's the time of place. I think we
were sitting on the couch one day and I was like, we were just
talking. I don't know if you remember that, remember, oh, but
we were sitting on the couch. We were sitting on the couch on day
and I was like, you know what this something that I went through.
I didn't know how he was going to receive it because you like, oh
that that was a long time ago. Don't worry about that. Let it
go. And they don't give you room to speak about things that you have
experienced, and they just throw it up under the bus. So I think
it's important for couples to have that or to experience or talk about those things
that you're afraid to share because you're embarrassed about it. And I think it
just allows you guys to grow even more together. And God was working then,
which I didn't realize he was doing, you know, so he was
that in that aspect aspect of us talking about those vulnerable moments that we shared.
I'm gonna say something because I just can't help myself go ahead a firm
belief of this. I think I've said it on the I've said it on
the show, and I've said on the podcast. But I think our generation
specifically our generation, and there's no disrespect to nobody, but I just think
people listening will probably disagree it's gonna be fifty to fifty. I just think
that we all have gone through something. Can I be general about it?
Can I just say it we've all been through some kind of abuse in our
life because I don't know why. In this generation everything was just kind of
like as kids, things were just kind of you know, there was over
like oh, you can't go to see uncle, you know, Johnny,
because you know, like don't don't don't let the kids go see o Johnny
by themself is I don't want to say I'm just kind of generalizing it,
but I just think and that and that messes up a lot of people,
and they're going forward and when they get married and they bring that baggage in
too, because then it messes up their whole just their whole belief in what
marriage is and just being with somebody else of the you know, like being
with my wife or my wife being with me, because now you just have
a total walpit. You have a different perspective that you don't any no child
should have. Yeah, you know, and it happens to adults too,
So I'm not saying just children, but of those two. But I just
you know, and I don't need to get so deep and dark. I
just think this needs to be set because it was a personal on my heart.
I just fegure I have to say it. I just think that we
as and it's happening now too, like now it's more talked about because social
media people more like you know, feelings, But back then, we didn't
talk about our feelings. We didn't. We just suppressed them. We didn't
say anything. We just we just held it in. Maybe it was my
fault, It was probably my fault. Maybe I shouldn't have said hi,
Maybe I shouldn't have went over there by myself, like maybe I shouldn't have
been around them, like you know, it's our fault. Where you realize
now that you know it's not your fault, if somebody you know so,
and it just messes up your brain and you and that brings that baggage that
you just don't want to that you don't even realize that you have. And
then when you get married and now you're having to be intimate with your spouse,
you can be intimate because then all of a sudden stuff is flashing or
they may do something that reminds you and then you're like why am I this
way? And then that courses issues in the marriage. So to your points
on you when you say shoot, you talk and say everything. Yes,
you should be honest and give and put everything on the table. That's why
I'm saying, have the counseling. You don't have to do it. You
don't even have to do it like just you and the person you and the
spouse. You can do it in counseling as have like mediator that can that
is that is what's the word mutual? That is no, not just mutual,
but trained and teaching you how you can work through it because you need
that somebody like that needs that that push or that way to like, okay,
this is what you need to do. Please don't do that. You
know can kind of guide you and lead you like the Lord along a praying
to God who will lead you on the path. But also sometimes we need
that professional help they're professionals because they're made to help. So I think that's
part of that was part of my baggage. I'm not even gonna lie,
that was part of my baggage. And and that that messed me up for
years me too, And so I just you know, that messed me up
for years and made me angry. And then like what Taara said, not
having a father around for all those years, that that just you know made
me upset too. I was gonna say another word, but they got to
stop myself. Not a bad word, but just you know, but anyway,
Yeah, that just you know messed me up too, so because it
was just my mother, and bless my mother. I love my mother to
death, but it was hard raising a boy in a different country by yourself.
It's not easy. That's why I commit, you know, saying I
know, I'll just leave it at that. I know, you know it's
not easy because you know and you actually want this. Actually you're in the
same boat as me. I was about fourteen when my mother met my father
and they got married. Yeah, no, he became my father, So
I do have a father. So yeah, besides the Lord, Yeah,
this goes to show how you know, marriage is real, real people.
It's real people trying to make a real life together. You know, it's
it's not I hate when people make it to romanticize. It is not the
words. Oh yeah, definitely, yeah, like all like you know,
we went to the courthouse. Yeah, twenty five dollars. We went to
the colhouse. Twenty five hours up. There needs to be some romance.
No. We woke up one morning and Taul came over to the house because
she would come over before she go to work. She always leave early come
to my house. And because I was saying make sure when I said we
woke up, she came up because I want people think we woke up together,
because we didn't. She walked in and I was just sitting there and
I was like, I'm when I get married, and she was like yeah,
And that's pretty much how it happened. And we we put on I
put on this pink shirt, black pants. She had on a pink dress,
and we went down to the courthouse. We didn't even have nobody to
witness. We actually had to use the clerk to be the witness for them.
The judge paid twenty five dollars, got the money order, and we
got married. I took her to I took her to work. I went
home and went to sleep because I had worked that night. And then when
I picked up from work, we went over to the parents' house and told
them and no, we stood for good. Yeah, we just that's for
a minute, about five hours. Yeah we didn't leave it too late.
But yeah, so then we went and we we told them and then and
that's how we And like I said, you know, we did it wrong.
I'm not even gonna lie and say we didn't do it right. We
did it wrong, But I'm glad we did it that way, if that
makes sense. If we tried to have a wedding, we went and got
married. Yeah, I firmly believe that we got married. The forces of
good and evil was was too strong back then. I'll say it that way.
You know, it wouldn't have happened, you know. So the way
we did it was the right It was the right way, but the wrong
way for us. So as you talk about that, how does communication played
a really important role then in terms of resolving any conflicts within your relationship.
And it's interesting that you sort of noted that, you know, the way
which she got married worked for you because had it been done differently due to
the good bad again everything between, perhaps it may not have happened in the
way you would have wanted. So, yeah, how does communication play a
part in that for you? Conforent resolution, dealing with challenges or difficulties or
differences, et cetera, et cetera. Well, when we did the podcast,
when we first started two years ago, yep, your first episode was
on communication, and over the years we've learned more. I think we communicate
too much sometimes. Actually, sometimes like that would be like, really,
you could have held back a little bit. I think, yeah, like
it's good to be transparent, but sometimes you have to hold back to not
not to hurt their feelings, right, So you have to be mindful of
that. You have to be mindful like, Okay, I'm going to communicate
this, but let me also make sure they understand I'm not blaming them,
I'm not upset with them. I'm just communicating how I feel. Because sometimes
you communicate and it could come off like you're doing something other person's doing something
wrong when they're not. We conflict, we loot, Like I said,
we can't. Our conflict resolution is we we sometimes have a discussion and if
we see it's not gunning anywhere, we will stop and then walk away and
then come back and talk about it later. We had It took us a
while to get to that point. It didn't just happen overnight. But for
me, I used to be like I wanted to resolve this is right unless
you was in the wrong and then and then you would be like, I'm
done talking about it right So because make it seem like you always want to.
You had your moments of like you know, and I did too.
Sometimes I I just wouldn't. I would blank out and not know where I
was. I just would and didn't unsnapp and then like what just happened?
I think now we're learning to like it's a time and place to to to
come and talk to each other, like giving each other space, learning to
give your spell space when you especially when you're in a period of conflict where
you just not agree. We're just learning to okay, right now it's just
not the right time, give yourself time to think about it, give him
time to think about it, and then we have learned in it now to
come together then later to say okay, sometimes I just crack a joke and
it just eases up the whole. Yeah, and then we just start laughing
and then we actually start talking about it. So it's just varies. Like
you learn how you and your spouse are going to to do it. It's
just like in work. It's even like for a single person in work and
you have a disagreement with your work, your work, your coworker, you
learn how to kind of, you know, say it a certain way,
or you may make a joke and then or something may happen and then next
thing you know, you guys are having a conversation and you can kind of
squash it and then you go about your business and then everything is good.
Same thing with the marriage, Like we we just a conflict. We just
do it in a way that it works for us. And even then sometimes
it's still we still get in. We still have our arguments, we still
have our disagreements. But what I have learned now is to be careful what
I say, because before I used to just say anything because my mind.
But now I'm like, okay, because now you ever come back and be
like what does that mean? Right? So, and I think, you
know, just learning you know, to watch watch what I'm saying. I
think, really, really think before I say something that I know may hurt
him, you know in some way, Because before I think I used to
say things to bring him down something definitely. So I had to learn that
I can't bring him down if you know I love him, I can't just
like you ain't a man, or you ain't this, or you ain't that.
You know, saying things of that he did. I knew there was
buttons that really, but then as I thought about it, and God was
speaking to me, like, how do you really think your husband is not
not a man? It's amazing how if you say those words can make a
man feel like he's nothing. It did, but to my credit, I
used to jump back into what did I have to say? Yeah, you
wasn't saying that last night? Right, I'd like, Yo, whatever you
say, I'm not a man. But also it always it didn't always affect
me like most men, because I knew where I think. I got to
a point where I knew where I was as a man, what I was
capable of doing and not doing it. But I had to learn that though
I had to learn I couldn't say that, say those things to you right
then? You know? That allowed for us to get along the way be
doing now, you know, so just just respecting you as a husband,
definitely respecting you as a man, respecting you back. Yeah. So I
think that's what it was. I think at one point I didn't have respect
like I needed to, you know. So I think for either one of
us, yeah, yeah, because we both wanted our own we wanted it
done it our way, and we wasn't trying to compromise because I think the
hardest part is if I was trying to make you do something that you just
wasn't going to do, you know what I mean. So I can't force
you to be who I think you should be. I should have been praying
and say, Lord, make him the man you need him to be for
me, you know what I mean. So I think that's something I really
had to learn as weeds went throughout her. And that actually goes into nonverbal
So sometimes I could get tired to do something without even saying anything that she
only would not do, like if she's on her phone and I think it
was sitting in a car and I just I made some comment. I didn't
even say like get off your phone. I was just like, oh,
you know something about the phone, and she looked at me and she just
okay. Oh. I was like, oh, I saw add in the
paper the other day where you know, the person saw the children on the
phone, so they was like lock. So that Toil was like, okay,
I put my phone down, and then she was like locking. The
other child put their phone down, and Tyler looked at her phone. He
looked at me and said okay, fine, and she just put her phone
down. So it says like God was saying it to tell her to put
her phone down, but instead of saying to her, hey, put your
phone down, I bought it is like as a story where she understood,
like okay, I need to put my phone down. He don't want me
on his phone. He wants to talk. Because she's always like why he
was going to talk in a com like because I want to stay awake,
you know, I need I need conversations sometimes. Oh it's just about learning
each other and compromising and then and talking and still like I'm gonna stay on
my phone anyway. But she understood what I was saying, so she's like,
okay, you know what, I'm gonna do that, and she put
her phone down because I'm learning that you know, you're not gonna always tell
those opportunities to just really just talk, you know, and you know most
times when you're trying to talk to your husband, like I want to talk
to like really right now? Or are you watching the game because you don't
want to watch in football? Yeah, I was like to have a conversation
if that's possible. Okay, Okay, it's my team, so we have
a few tative sents, so we're gonna get to its big. This is
slightly there. I think they're petro. But we're going for a busy break
and we're gonna come back. And I would have because this is this is
a good one actually in the sensitive it's one of Lawrence the tri City thingers.
The best is yet to come, because yes, I'm sure it is,
so Yes, yes, that's a good song. Make a nooyse Come
on y'all, make them nooy, make them nose every rock, come out
this rock, everybody. We'm dona put your hand up here, make anoy
my midn't hold on my flas, hold on my sister, hold on my
sister. Just I'm about to play master. Didn't start go gos, make
pay God all the time. What say dust, you're working. It's yet
to come. Let me not look can't work, o, sister, just
last so back. You can't like your works style, dastar, it's yet
the cop get again? The best is it to gay? Look at the
body tail taps the day. It's the first day. Okay, case that
of the mind. Look out they got tel they canna take the game jump
yet to come set a game. The plant is in right, Oh,
y'all thank a going out him. Let me see y'all. Let know y'all
here we go. Come on, think you do y'all got that? Everybody
think I would say nothing? Who is about town? What? No?
Oh? I feel like you change what y'all go up stair? What you
mean it? I didn't feel another kids, ye'll get what you right.
I want to tell y'all moves out there, that's turning things to a part.
I know y'all don't have to move out there. Come on, y'all
to listen up. I know you're not toy. Yes, the best is
yet to come. And often we were just talking before that piece of music
there from Donald Lawrence, that how we can deal with how communication plays a
big part in dealing with our conflicts, resolution, the challenges that we go
through and hopefully you can make it through. And yes, definitely the best
is yet to come now, Zenia, you mentioned a bit earlier on that
you're very early in your married relationship. It's coming up done a year so
for you. In terms of hearing this then from Tara and Pedro, what's
been the key things that you have taken away from what they've been sharing.
I liked the point about annoying triggers. I mean, it sounds obvious,
but it's about processing that and going into the conversation with that in mind.
Sometimes you're going in so caught up in what you want to say or the
point you want to make or how you are feeling that you forget to think
about the other person and see how something may land, make sure it lands
well, because obviously, in communication, if the point isn't taken, there's
no point full stop. So yeah, I like that, And also I
don't do it enough in terms of getting people to buy into what I'm trying
to say. So very very early on with Pedro you mentioned it, you
know and Tara about letting people understand how you feel about a thing, and
I don't do that very well. So I'll come in and I'll say please
the example, use please move the cup, and I expect it to be
moved because I've said please move the cup. But maybe if I said I
don't like the place untidy I don't like coming home to untidy house. I
don't like to have to, you know, follow behind people like I'm there
maid. Maybe if I I sort of made the point as to how it
makes me feel, what I don't like about it. All that kind of
stuff helps to build a case so people can come on board with what I've
apked or what I'm saying, and also get their feedback or Mommy, I
didn't I didn't mean to leave it, I forgot, or you know,
it's not that I don't care about you. I don't care about what you've
said. You know I was rushing, or whatever the case might be.
That's what communication does, yes, And I think that that, for me
is what I've taken. And I've gone away from this conversation thinking yet also
that I'm not alone. Sometimes you're you're in a marriage and you're thinking,
gosh, it's just me, right, And I was even thinking to myself,
I need to make more make more dates with married people, maybe do
things together because it's it's good and refreshing to hear that. Petro. Sometimes
you do sort of cup into the into the bin because I have the case.
Tell you I got no patience. I got no patience, Well,
I got patients. I say once, I say it twice and the third
time that's it. I'm done. I just know my kids know, oh
dad, Daddy about to blow. Okay, they're like, okay, Daddy,
we got you, like they know, but it's like not to get
up a point. I'm so sorry. But doing that point was yelling to
the kids. It's different than my yelling. She's bitch. Brought that to
my attention the other day because I was like, I yelled about something and
she's like, p Jo, you know they respond different to you, And
I was what you mean? She was like, when I yell. They
used to me yelling because I'm loud, but when you yell, your voice
like viberates the whole house and then it just they they get scared. And
I was like, oh, I never thought of it like that because you
know my voice, but told my voice when I get mad, my voice
just goes really deep and it just boom, and they know, like,
but it scares them, and I don't want to scare them something like,
okay, I got to be more forness when I say something now that brings
us to our point really nicely about how parented has factored into your communication skills,
whether it's improved it, whether you've changed your approach in your marriage because
you now have kids and I heard you and what made me ask is because
I heard you speak earlier about being mindful of what you say around them,
the conversations. And that's that's a I think a point of debate because a
lot of a lot of there's two sides to that theory that your your kids
should see you argue, but argue respectfully and argue, you know, without
being nasty or hurtful. And then there's there's another theory that your kids should
always see you kissing and hugging and loving each other, but not hear the
arguments. So where do you stand on that as well? Actually, wait,
well, for me, if I'm having an argument with you something,
if I say something to him that's not nice, the kids would be like,
Mom, you're really gonna talk to dad that way? I'm like,
Okay, I'm sorry. They's like, Mama, you gotta be more nicer
to daddy. So it allows me to then think like, Okay, I
didn't know I was speaking that way to you, but I apologize to him
in front of them, and from a long way. Yeah. And then
because in the beginning of our marriage, they saw the fights, they saw
the arguments. Are crying, they be crying, they standing at the door.
They you know, they're i mean balling, crying, screaming, crying,
and we're just going at it. And even then once day we started
to get better, they wouldn't cry as much, but you could see the
fear in their face. You can see in their eyes now, thank God,
because God has made us better. When we talk to each other,
like she just said, we havn't a discussion and it starts to get a
little heated, they don't respond. They just kind of more like, hey,
hey, like you say that, they say that, you know,
like why you you know that maybe you think maybe you was wrong in that,
you know, like maybe you know, maybe you should we think,
you know, like they're they're kind of like our growing up, yeah,
growing up there kind of like our second voice, Like you know, besides
God talking to us. They almost like like the second ways beyond that,
like you know, like giving us that perspective that we see because we're not
at the time, we're kind of irritated with each other, so we're not
trying to hear each other. So then the child comes along, she's like,
oh, he's like hey, you know, and you're like, okay,
you know what, You're right, Okay, okay, and it just
it's just so I would say, now we have a really just a good
relationship where we let because we let our kids express themselves come to us after
Yeah, they're coming and say, yeah, okay, so you think it's
it's okay for them to see that as long as they see you making up
and apologizing. And so to the resolution we have a really big argument,
we have a thing that they saw. We will at before worship, we
will say, hey, you know, let's discuss what happened earlier, and
we have a discussion and we'll say, you know, mommy was in her
feelings or Daddy was in his feelings, he didn't like this, or he
didn't like that, and you know we was wrong for that, and we
rectified, and now we're going to do this so we're doing, we're doing
and incorporate. Like I said, iologize, we do. We apologize to
each other in front of them, and we also all the time we'll kiss
each other on the lip in the morning and at night before we go to
bed, on in the morning before we leave work. And they're like,
right because like I got cold, and we won't we won't do it because
we have colds or something, but like you know, we're well, like
you know, I'll give a peck on the lips and then I'll know leaveing
it like yeah, and I'm like what that's my wife? Like we you
know, So when I come home, I make sure to give a kiss.
And most of time the kids are there, so they again they're like
ill, but you know, so we we show them that there's two sides
that we can that we can love each other and sometimes we don't like each
other, but that don't mean that we don't still love each other right well,
And I think also it leads us nicely into worship, because I believe
it's one of your podcasts that I heard you say that as well, and
not that you've mentioned it again, that you do sort of say what the
resolution is what the compromise is, what sort of agreements you've come to.
If they've wished witnessed to you disagreeing, and it happens, you know,
before worship, and you talk about it within worship, so that brings us
nicely as we close out the hour, I think, Danjiing, we can
talk now about how communicating with God fact to your marriage. Right. Oh,
we keep God first and everything we do you worship, worship and everything
we do. We always thought of God first. God first, and everything
we do. We tell our kids that we said. We tell our kids
everything you do should be led by God, nobody else. Don't even not
by us. Don't listen to us, listen to God. We are we
are vessel teaching you about God, and you should listen to us in the
sense of we know because we've been through it before. But if God is
telling you to do something we want, if you say, God told me
to do this and it worked and you know that's what you feel, then
okay, we will accept that because more times than not is what we want
anyway, because God is talking to us to just telling us them. I
understand It's always like that for you. You know, at the starting point,
of your your relationship, your marriage, or was God always the center
and the pound right at the beginning for me? For t Taler is always
it's weird. She wasn't even an Adventist, and I don't mean it in
a bad way. She was Baptist when we first met, but she was
always probably more in touch of God than I was. I kind of I
kind of went off and did my own thing for a little while. And
but Tala always had a strong relationship with God. And I'm not saying it
was always, but you definitely longer than me. If it was something we
were supposed to do, she would be like, well, we need to
talk to God first. We need to figure out God first. Sometimes I
just want to go do it, and she'll reel me back and be like,
wait a minute, we need to talk to God first, so get
me grounded. And when I wanted to do things myself, she would like,
you know, and that's what you needed in the marriage. You need
where you both kind of and sometimes if she's going off, I'm like,
wait, wait, wait, we need to talk to God first. We
need to figure out We need to discuss this first. We just can't just
do it on a whim. So it's just helping each other because sometimes both
people may not be in the same place with God and the other person can
help bring that person back. Yes, And I think for me, having
a strong relationship with God also helps me to work on those things for myself
and with myself. I remember, I can't remember who said it, but
I may have enjoyed my ads or someone I was listening to and and she
said, you know what, you you're praying all the time, fix him,
fix him, But sometimes it's about fix me me. And when I'm
fixed, then I will draw him along. That's it, you know.
And when I hear you speak to her, and when Petro speaks about your
relationship, that's what comes to mind. You're drawing him along because you're letting
God works through you. And you know those principles like patience and forgiveness and
all of that. It's God principles, you know, definitely. But if
we don't have God in us, those things won't come out. Just like
probably just message me saying, you know, sometimes we hold these grudges and
these things again and see each other that we don't let go, but we
have to learn to let them go because God lets them go for us.
Where will we be if he I know when I forgave Pedro for the things
that we went through, that was my healing point from them, you know
what I mean. And when you're able to do that and literally forgive and
give it to God and move forward, your marriage cans just you'll see it
grow, You'll see the person changing. But on that same point, guess
what, I have to forgive myself for doing the same thing. See,
it was me forgiving myself like you just said, Sanya, she forgave me,
but I still was mad in myself. So I have to forgive myself
so then I can grow and then show her that I could be the man
that she would that she knew I could be, not that she wanted me
to be, but what I could be. Because then it was I'm going
to be the man. I'm not gonna be perfect, but I know I
could be that man. And once we did that, then that's when our
marriage really started to blossom and and and just and that's why I said about
five six years ago, because we got to then that's when I really start
to like go upward and started to heal. That's right, that's right.
I started to heal because you never know what you're going to go through.
And we're still here, like, yeah, I'm talking about patience to him,
but I know he's spacial. Oh gosh, I love him so much
because he's spacial with me. He's sure. I had to learn that,
trust me. I had to learn that the hard way. I had to
learn it, Like I have to just buy my tongue fix my official espression
because my non verbal stuff, my non verbal stuff was bad. We don't
know what he's talking about. I just I was, I was like,
you know, way I find him. You when you can acknowledge your wrong,
I know the time seven o two. When you can acknowledge your wrong
in a marriage to a person, then that's when the healing goes. Oh
yeah, oh yeah. I want to saying that the tails of this,
I was just letting you know that's okay on the radio after this now it's
funny, but we all have all come to the end of the show.
I mean, it's been a great conversation, and Good started to put great
communications demonstrating just how important communication is with any in any in many contexts,
with definitely with relationships, with connections with people with each other, whether you're
you know, it's family, if you're dating, if you're married. You
know, it's such an important thing. And ultimately, as we've just talked
about, our communication with God is going to be the found It should be
the foundation for all of that. You know, whatever we are doing,
whatever we are going through, you know, we take it to God and
let him lead, which kind of reminds me of a text actually as us
looking for that into which now I seem to have lost it, where it
seems to sum up what I was kind of thinking in terms of how important
it is in verse Peter three, verse eight to twelve. So finally,
all of you be like minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be
compassionate, and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insults.
On the contrary, we pay evil blessings. Because to this you were
called, that you may inherit a blessing. For whoever would love life and
see good days must keep their tongue from evil and their lips from deceitful speech.
They must turn from evil and do good. They must seek peace and
pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and
his ears are attended to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is
against those who do evil. Our communication can bring life or death potentially.
Could you give me that verse again. We two Peter three, verse eight
to twelve, and you know, we want to bring life to people.
We want to bring life to our relationships, to our marriage, to people
about Ultimately, we want to showcase and show people and demonstrate the love of
God, who is bestowed with so much grace and love that we can you
know, we want to share that with everybody else. So that's kind of
where my mind was going towards the end of that conversation there. So I
thank you Pedro and Tara for sharing and being open about your relationship. And
for the rest of the month, yes we are, so you know we're
going to be continuing with you know, the conversation look at different aspects of
relationships, marriage, probably look at love as well. Does love have anything
to do with all of this? But to close off, Senya, would
you pray for us? Yay, like it's going to be me. It's
going to be so book close to pray and pray to close Yes, So
thank you. Communication is key whichever a way we look at it. And
so yes, let's take it to the Father right now. Debinly, Father,
thank you for another wonderful and meaningful conversation this afternoon. We've spoken about
marriage, which is an institute that's been less than sacritified by you. Let
us always love and live in that knowledge. Help us to take on board
what we've learned today. I certainly learned a lot or been reminded of a
lot as well, about having patience, and about compromise, and about forgiveness,
and about knowing each other's triggers and knowing the time and the place to
communicate. And Lord, today our focus was on communication, communicating with each
other, and most importantly, communicating with You. Help us to keep you
at the center of our lives. Help us to put to you first,
that all other things will be added onto us. Bless Pedro and Tower as
they take this campaign through the month of February. Bless their ministry marriage can
heal as they seek to edify marriages in our community and in our church.
Thank you Father for today and what we've learned, And bless our listeners in
Jesus name. Amen, once again, thank you so much for joining us
on talking point. Please do by the way is hear my Marriage podcast not
marriage can heals? Yes, yes, you change it, do it all
the time? I still say it to you. And where can people hear
this? Actually, Pedro and when when can people hear? You? Said?
You can hear? You can listen to Hear My Marriage every Sunday on
the Vinces Ready on London at four o'clock. If you don't have time to
reach there, you can go to all our audio platforms, which is Apple
Podcasts, on Spotify, when YouTube, you can look us up on there.
Okay, we'll come back because the time of being sick and I was
six, so we haven't been on for the last couple of weeks, but
we do plan to come back very soon, Charlotte. But we can catch
old episodes there episodes. Okay, So thank you so much. It's been
a great show. I've enjoyed chatting to everybody here today, So enjoy the
rest of your evening and the next week do you join Tune back into Vege
Radio London tomorrow for some more live programming and that starts in the morning.
And as I'm saying that, I can't remember the show is actually on tomorrow
morning. In the news in the news, the news, Yes, yes
do tune reflection, reflection, the reflection, hear my marriage. Talk about
Business too is a business program. Lots advantage Radio London. Do stay with
us. Thank you for joining us today. So it's good night for myself
angela good night from good night from Pedro from and I'm going to leave you
with love Medley because love is a really important part of any relationship and especially
marriage once so this is God's chosen love Medley. Thank you so much for
joining us and we'll see you again. Enjoy the rest of the week.
Adventist Radio London inspiration for the song