WEBVTT 1 00:00:00.840 --> 00:00:14.960 Adventist Radio London. Inspiration for the song We Welcome the Talking Point with Ray 2 00:00:15.560 --> 00:00:21.879 sen You Po Angeler discussing the hot topics and answering your questions Saturdays five to 3 00:00:21.960 --> 00:00:27.399 seven pm on Adventist Radio London. It's talking Point, it's talking Point, 4 00:00:27.640 --> 00:00:32.920 it's talking Point, it's talking point, real conversations you need to have. 5 00:00:35.840 --> 00:00:40.240 Good afternoon, good afternoon, good afternoon, and welcome to talking Point. 6 00:00:40.280 --> 00:00:43.960 As you said, this is talking point of your conversations you need to have. 7 00:00:44.520 --> 00:00:49.880 And is Sabbath Saturday, the third of February twenty twenty four. Yes, 8 00:00:49.920 --> 00:00:53.359 we're into our second month of the year already, and I hope you've 9 00:00:53.399 --> 00:00:58.520 had a really good Sabbath so far and you have joined us for Talking Point 10 00:00:58.520 --> 00:01:02.679 today. So my name is Angela if in case you were listening here for 11 00:01:02.719 --> 00:01:06.680 the first time, and I am one of the co presenters on this show 12 00:01:06.879 --> 00:01:12.439 along with my fellow co presenters is Senor and Pedro who are joining me on 13 00:01:12.599 --> 00:01:17.760 zoom. It's just me and the studio by myself today. So Pedro, 14 00:01:17.920 --> 00:01:22.439 how's it going. I'm sorry, yes, this is going good. How 15 00:01:22.519 --> 00:01:30.799 you doing difficulties? Have a technical it was it kept popping up anyway, 16 00:01:30.920 --> 00:01:37.359 it's a notification live radio. This is happening. My wife been joining us 17 00:01:37.400 --> 00:01:41.000 today, so that's cool. That's cool. Let's give the little hints as 18 00:01:41.000 --> 00:01:44.400 to what we're going to be talking about. Yes, I'm good, I'm 19 00:01:44.400 --> 00:01:47.359 good. How you doing, Angela? I'm not too bad. Have been 20 00:01:47.359 --> 00:01:49.159 a fully RESTful day today, I was saying, I said, at home, 21 00:01:49.719 --> 00:01:53.760 I seem to have twisted my back a little. Actually, so yeah, 22 00:01:53.760 --> 00:01:57.640 I'm not quite sure what I've done, but yeah, that check. 23 00:01:57.719 --> 00:02:00.439 Last time I twisted my bag, I couldn't work for like two days. 24 00:02:00.519 --> 00:02:02.560 Yeah, so I might have to just do that. I'm not quite sure 25 00:02:02.599 --> 00:02:07.120 what I did all of a sudden, It's like I couldn't. Yeah, 26 00:02:07.200 --> 00:02:09.360 I couldn't bend and do what have you? So, but hopefully I'll be 27 00:02:09.400 --> 00:02:15.639 okay. So good to I say to see you you're actually online with me 28 00:02:15.719 --> 00:02:17.719 today, but for joining us today, and said, yeah, are you 29 00:02:19.479 --> 00:02:23.840 here? Hello? Oh yes, there we go, there we go. 30 00:02:24.680 --> 00:02:30.919 How are we doing? Just cross your legs, cross everything cross, I 31 00:02:30.000 --> 00:02:36.360 am here. Good afternoon, good evening, welcome to Talking boy it. 32 00:02:36.400 --> 00:02:40.479 I do hope that Alista's had a wonderful week and good Sabbath as well. 33 00:02:42.120 --> 00:02:50.439 Cool cool good so Hello, Hello, hello him. So we have said 34 00:02:50.479 --> 00:02:53.960 we have his wife with us today, Tara, so we'll sort of reveal 35 00:02:54.039 --> 00:02:58.360 wife. She's on our joining us today, although she's been on our show 36 00:02:58.439 --> 00:03:00.719 several times before, so she's always welcome, always glad to have her. 37 00:03:00.800 --> 00:03:04.400 So, Hey, they're Tara. How are you hi? So happy to 38 00:03:04.439 --> 00:03:07.439 be here, thank you good good good. So as usual talking point, 39 00:03:07.439 --> 00:03:10.800 we love to kind of hear we like Adventures Radio London. We'd love to 40 00:03:10.840 --> 00:03:15.199 hear from our listeners. So if you'd like to join the conversation and get 41 00:03:15.199 --> 00:03:20.520 involved with what we're talking about today, there's various ways you can join the 42 00:03:20.639 --> 00:03:27.000 show. You can contact us via email at studio at Adventist Radio dot London, 43 00:03:27.680 --> 00:03:30.840 or you can text us at eight triple two eight, write the word 44 00:03:30.919 --> 00:03:37.960 hope and then your message, or you could whatsappers on zero seven four five 45 00:03:38.599 --> 00:03:44.039 nine six four two eight nine eight. So do join the conversation. We'd 46 00:03:44.039 --> 00:03:47.439 love to hear from You'd love to hear your points of view. We've come 47 00:03:47.479 --> 00:03:53.280 into a new month. We spent the last month January doing a series with 48 00:03:53.960 --> 00:03:59.159 one of our resident therapists, Alison Awoku, bringing Down Strongholds, which was 49 00:03:59.199 --> 00:04:02.520 some powerful information and really good stuff. There a really good way to set 50 00:04:02.599 --> 00:04:06.360 up our month. And now we're into our second month. I can't believe 51 00:04:06.400 --> 00:04:11.800 how time has really flown. So before we get into everything, let's say 52 00:04:11.800 --> 00:04:15.000 a word of prayer to bless our show today and then we'll make us start. 53 00:04:15.879 --> 00:04:18.199 Father God, I want to thank you for blessing us with a Sabbath 54 00:04:18.240 --> 00:04:19.920 day, Dear Lord. And as we are coming to the end of a 55 00:04:19.959 --> 00:04:25.879 Sabbath, I pray, Dear Lord that wherever people have been, whatever they've 56 00:04:25.920 --> 00:04:28.720 been doing, they've been worshiping and praising you, Dear Lord. And as 57 00:04:28.759 --> 00:04:32.560 we are going to start our show, pray that you bless our conversation today, 58 00:04:32.600 --> 00:04:38.519 Dear Lord. We're coming into a new month and we have themed this 59 00:04:38.600 --> 00:04:43.480 month talking about love, relationships and marriage, Dear Lord, and the connections 60 00:04:43.480 --> 00:04:46.040 that you have ordained, Dear Lord, and I pray that this conversation will 61 00:04:46.040 --> 00:04:48.839 be a blessed one and blessing to those who are listening. This is my 62 00:04:48.920 --> 00:04:54.560 prayer in your name. Amen. Amen. So, how has everybody's week 63 00:04:54.639 --> 00:05:00.240 been? Like I said, we have speared into February, so month one 64 00:05:00.279 --> 00:05:02.079 has gone and I know I'm talking to some of my friends, what have 65 00:05:02.199 --> 00:05:06.279 you January always seems to be a really long month. Have you guys found 66 00:05:06.319 --> 00:05:11.519 that? Yes? I found it to be a very long one. I 67 00:05:11.519 --> 00:05:15.000 believe it the same thing. Yeah, It's just like and it seems weird 68 00:05:15.040 --> 00:05:17.920 because often every week we talk about how quick the weeks are going, but 69 00:05:18.199 --> 00:05:25.519 January just seems to be long, really low. I have a thought process 70 00:05:25.560 --> 00:05:29.000 on that. For me personally is long because I think I don't know. 71 00:05:29.439 --> 00:05:31.519 Do you guys get paid monthly? I get paid monthly, yes, and 72 00:05:31.600 --> 00:05:35.839 my job always pays me like on the twenty first of December, yes, 73 00:05:36.439 --> 00:05:40.920 And I told them to stop doing that because it throws off my whole routine, 74 00:05:40.959 --> 00:05:45.439 my whole like I don't care it it's Christmas, like it really don't 75 00:05:45.600 --> 00:05:48.240 like, don't pay me because it's before Christmas, because then not only do 76 00:05:48.279 --> 00:05:50.839 you have only have thirty one days in January, then you also have like 77 00:05:50.879 --> 00:05:55.279 the extra ten days that you just got paid before, so now you got 78 00:05:55.279 --> 00:05:59.720 to go to like forty one forty two days of out getting paid. Yes, 79 00:06:00.240 --> 00:06:01.879 that's why to me, it seemed like it was just like forever. 80 00:06:02.319 --> 00:06:04.879 Yeah, And I was just like, I can't wait to the thirty first 81 00:06:05.839 --> 00:06:10.079 so I always said, I hate I hate that. I hate generary for 82 00:06:10.079 --> 00:06:13.199 that reason because it just feels like it just takes along with that. That's 83 00:06:13.199 --> 00:06:15.240 why it's long for me. Yeah, no, I hear that. I 84 00:06:15.279 --> 00:06:18.879 hear that. And the weather is, you know, the weather being how 85 00:06:18.920 --> 00:06:25.480 it's been, We've had well a plethora of different weather weather experiences throughout this 86 00:06:25.519 --> 00:06:29.759 whole month hold of January. So you know, I guess spends on where 87 00:06:29.759 --> 00:06:31.000 you are in the country. I tell you, guys all the time, 88 00:06:31.040 --> 00:06:34.680 you guys complain about the weather, but why it's weather it is? But 89 00:06:34.720 --> 00:06:40.160 I guess it's I guess because it's so changeable. I mean, it's quinter 90 00:06:40.279 --> 00:06:43.000 time. We live in the UK. You know, when I grew up 91 00:06:43.040 --> 00:06:46.399 in New York, the weather was worse because the snowstorm, you're like in 92 00:06:46.519 --> 00:06:51.199 four feet of snow and then you walk outside and it's cold. It's not 93 00:06:51.279 --> 00:06:54.399 even cold, hairs as cold as in New York. Do you know what 94 00:06:54.439 --> 00:07:00.959 I think? It is a lot of countries, it's quite ething's quite seasonal. 95 00:07:01.480 --> 00:07:04.000 We could just need sometimes be sure what the weather is going to be 96 00:07:04.079 --> 00:07:09.399 like over here. See your point, Angela, I got that. I 97 00:07:09.480 --> 00:07:13.759 understand that too, But everybody's always like the weather. The weather. It's 98 00:07:16.319 --> 00:07:21.439 I'm not thinking my opinion exactly, and it is my opinion. All I'm 99 00:07:21.480 --> 00:07:26.519 saying is my opinion. But my point is that you know what you know. 100 00:07:26.560 --> 00:07:29.279 The only thing I do say is that I don't like how when it 101 00:07:29.319 --> 00:07:33.000 gets dark, it really gets dark. Yes, like when it gets dark, 102 00:07:33.040 --> 00:07:36.759 it's like pitch pitch black. Dark is like and then you're driving may 103 00:07:36.839 --> 00:07:40.959 because I'm on the road and I'm driving down these little side roads and i 104 00:07:40.959 --> 00:07:44.519 can't see where I'm going. So I mean, in that retrospect, yes, 105 00:07:44.560 --> 00:07:51.160 but it's it's still weather. It's just rain. I'm not saying because 106 00:07:51.160 --> 00:07:58.279 I said, why you already started me this morning this afternoon said has your 107 00:07:58.279 --> 00:08:11.199 week, bitch? I like that, Angie Jesus Digress. It's been mostly 108 00:08:11.800 --> 00:08:16.399 I I think we're going to touch on it a little bit during our conversation, 109 00:08:16.680 --> 00:08:26.160 but we launched a mental health course on Thursday in a little bit being 110 00:08:26.519 --> 00:08:33.360 time to talk to day and yeah, as always in an organization, we 111 00:08:33.519 --> 00:08:37.000 try to do some initiatives and I know a number of organizations across the nation 112 00:08:37.200 --> 00:08:43.320 would have jumped on that, and yeah, so it's been kind of looking 113 00:08:43.320 --> 00:08:46.879 at mental health once more. And you know, I'm always about looking at 114 00:08:46.879 --> 00:08:50.200 mental health. I think that conversation needs to happen time and time again. 115 00:08:50.320 --> 00:08:56.840 So yeah, it's about talking and today yeah, we're talking. We've already 116 00:08:56.840 --> 00:09:03.519 started, yes, So yeah, that's that's kind of been the main focus, 117 00:09:03.519 --> 00:09:07.639 especially in terms of work. Cool. What does that work? Yes? 118 00:09:09.200 --> 00:09:11.039 Okay, yeah, because I never heard of it this until you guys 119 00:09:11.080 --> 00:09:16.120 bought it up like a couple of days ago or Thursday. Ye, further 120 00:09:16.159 --> 00:09:22.159 time to talk, I've never seen it. Yeah. Yeah, I'm hoping 121 00:09:22.200 --> 00:09:26.000 well, mention it to your manager when you you're back in the office and 122 00:09:26.360 --> 00:09:30.279 see if they can't do something for it. Comes around every year. I 123 00:09:30.279 --> 00:09:33.320 think it's the what first is it? First Thursday and February first? Yes? 124 00:09:33.360 --> 00:09:37.519 The first? Yes, first or first Thursday? As you said, 125 00:09:39.159 --> 00:09:43.519 yes, so make a point pedrol of getting something on the agenda for next 126 00:09:43.600 --> 00:09:48.399 year. Definitely. So as you've mentioned that, that wasn't bring us nicely 127 00:09:48.399 --> 00:09:56.919 into week. Week, My week, oh my week you saying you said, 128 00:09:58.080 --> 00:10:01.480 it's been an interesting one, been very and down, quite stressful at 129 00:10:01.480 --> 00:10:07.799 points through challenges with my mom. But that's the story for another day maybe. 130 00:10:09.320 --> 00:10:13.639 But you know, what I'm here at the end of it. You 131 00:10:13.639 --> 00:10:16.240 know, the week came back, the weekends come around very very quickly, 132 00:10:16.639 --> 00:10:20.559 it would seem. Yeah it was. It was a busy one, a 133 00:10:20.600 --> 00:10:26.039 stressful one, but hey made it through for the Sabbath. Yes, I 134 00:10:26.080 --> 00:10:31.159 think those kinds of weeks make you even more thankful. And I think sometimes, 135 00:10:31.159 --> 00:10:35.279 you know, the idea of actually taking like I was at home today 136 00:10:35.679 --> 00:10:41.279 watching online and it really was the case of sometimes sabbaths can be really busy 137 00:10:41.399 --> 00:10:43.799 for me, and actually sometimes I just have to sort of sit back and 138 00:10:43.840 --> 00:10:46.360 say, you know what it's supposed to be a day of rest. Let 139 00:10:46.399 --> 00:10:50.000 me actually rest and take it easy and you know, not be and sort 140 00:10:50.000 --> 00:10:52.639 of you know, give myself a bit of time to kind of really meditate, 141 00:10:54.480 --> 00:10:56.679 just rest and just you know, be thankful for what for the sabbath, 142 00:10:56.720 --> 00:11:00.679 for what it can be and what it is. So yeah, I'm 143 00:11:00.720 --> 00:11:03.480 really grateful for that. So yeah, So, as you mentioned Time to 144 00:11:03.559 --> 00:11:07.480 Talk, So Time to Talk Day was on Thursday, the first of February. 145 00:11:07.600 --> 00:11:11.879 So it's a campaign run by Mind and I think it's a rethink mental 146 00:11:11.960 --> 00:11:16.440 illness and I think it was being delivered in injunction with co ops so lots 147 00:11:16.480 --> 00:11:22.399 of people do do work con collaboration around that, but basically it's one of 148 00:11:22.399 --> 00:11:26.759 the biggest, sort of the national one of the biggest mental health conversations, 149 00:11:28.120 --> 00:11:35.559 and they're really kind of encouraging people to talk and talk specifically about mental health. 150 00:11:35.360 --> 00:11:39.919 And you know, it was quite interesting sort of look at sometimes that 151 00:11:39.960 --> 00:11:43.279 can be one of the hardest conversations to be having. And you know, 152 00:11:43.279 --> 00:11:46.200 that's going to segue into what we're going to be talking about today about communication 153 00:11:46.759 --> 00:11:50.000 and communication is really key, but there are obviously going to be some topics 154 00:11:50.039 --> 00:11:54.159 that are going to be easier to speak about than others. But mental health 155 00:11:54.200 --> 00:11:58.440 seems to be one of the hardest ones to talk about for various reasons. 156 00:11:58.519 --> 00:12:01.440 And as you said, and Zenya, we talk about mental health. We've 157 00:12:01.440 --> 00:12:05.879 talked about mental health many times on our program. There are so much stigma 158 00:12:05.960 --> 00:12:11.120 surrounding mental health, difficulties and challenges and sometimes the kind of you know, 159 00:12:11.159 --> 00:12:16.200 people are struggling with things, but sometimes people are very reluctant to admit that 160 00:12:16.320 --> 00:12:20.200 to themselves or know where to kind of speak to, you know, who 161 00:12:20.279 --> 00:12:22.159 to go to speak to, etcetera. Who can they look forward for support. 162 00:12:22.799 --> 00:12:26.360 But sometimes it's just really just having a quick chat and checking in with 163 00:12:26.440 --> 00:12:35.159 people. You know, I think after the pandemic and COVID and you know, 164 00:12:35.240 --> 00:12:37.639 the idea that we can kind of you know, checking in on people, 165 00:12:39.159 --> 00:12:41.879 making sure people are all right, say hey, how you doing, 166 00:12:43.799 --> 00:12:48.000 and kind of maybe delving a little bit deeper than just that kind of surface 167 00:12:48.080 --> 00:12:52.080 conversation because often, you know, and I don't know whether you will find 168 00:12:52.120 --> 00:12:56.440 the same thing. Sometimes, you know people you'll see people and say, 169 00:12:56.480 --> 00:13:00.559 hey, how are you and the person will respond, yeah, I'm fine. 170 00:13:01.279 --> 00:13:03.399 But actually, if you were to have a bit more of a conversation, 171 00:13:03.559 --> 00:13:09.480 you soon start to realize that the hey, I'm okay possibly might mean 172 00:13:09.559 --> 00:13:13.519 something else. And I think that was one that was one of the things 173 00:13:13.559 --> 00:13:18.480 that struck me with this year's campaign when they were kind of they were kind 174 00:13:18.480 --> 00:13:22.480 of advertising. Some of the posters were the sort of responses that people might 175 00:13:22.519 --> 00:13:24.519 give. You know, you might ask a question, hey, how it's 176 00:13:24.559 --> 00:13:28.159 going, and somebody may say, oh, I'm not too bad, But 177 00:13:28.200 --> 00:13:31.000 that could actually mean they feel lost or alone, or they feel really burnt 178 00:13:31.039 --> 00:13:35.000 out and stressed. You know, hey I'm fine could mean a whole heap. 179 00:13:35.080 --> 00:13:39.720 So it's really important to dig a little bit deeper. So I don't 180 00:13:39.720 --> 00:13:43.759 know whether you find the same that sometimes you think or we even did it, 181 00:13:43.840 --> 00:13:45.879 and I know I do it myself. There should be there could be 182 00:13:45.879 --> 00:13:48.279 a whole heap going on. I'd be like, yeah, everything's all good. 183 00:13:48.279 --> 00:13:52.080 Yeah, And not only that, I mean I'm guilty of it as 184 00:13:52.159 --> 00:13:54.519 well in terms of being really happy to hear I'm fine, so I can 185 00:13:54.559 --> 00:13:58.600 continue with what's going on with my life or just continue with my day, 186 00:14:00.679 --> 00:14:05.519 not really wanting to dig any deeper. Personally, I'm very grateful that they 187 00:14:05.519 --> 00:14:07.600 haven't divulged all of their you know, their issues and problems on me, 188 00:14:09.159 --> 00:14:11.320 and I think we need to get away from that. As you said, 189 00:14:11.840 --> 00:14:16.480 take the time to dig deep, be willing to dig deep. I know 190 00:14:16.519 --> 00:14:18.240 it's a scary conversation also, as you've said, because we don't know what 191 00:14:18.240 --> 00:14:24.480 we're going to get. Tasting point one of my colleagues speaking to her saying, 192 00:14:24.519 --> 00:14:26.399 oh, you know what, the other day she went home and she 193 00:14:26.480 --> 00:14:31.039 felt like, you know, taking an overdosing and whatnot. And you're listening 194 00:14:31.039 --> 00:14:35.639 to that and you're thinking, oh, how do I how do I respond? 195 00:14:35.879 --> 00:14:39.080 One of the words to say when someone tells you something like that. 196 00:14:39.120 --> 00:14:43.799 And I know a lot people don't engage in mental health conversations because they're scared 197 00:14:43.799 --> 00:14:46.960 of what digging deeper might reveal. But in honesty, sometimes you just need 198 00:14:48.000 --> 00:14:52.279 to listen, yes, not necessarily solve the problem. And also just signpost 199 00:14:52.320 --> 00:14:56.480 people you know what I can't help with that, that's you know, above 200 00:14:56.559 --> 00:15:01.600 me, beyond me, but I know someone who can and sometimes that's enough. 201 00:15:03.120 --> 00:15:05.320 Yeah. So really, I mean there's all top tips where really to 202 00:15:05.360 --> 00:15:07.360 kind of ask questions and listen, you know, think about the time and 203 00:15:07.440 --> 00:15:11.559 place, because you know, sometimes there's a good there's good places, good 204 00:15:11.559 --> 00:15:16.120 times, et cetera. How you can have these kind of conversations. One 205 00:15:16.120 --> 00:15:18.240 of the things they did say is don't try and fix it, which exactly 206 00:15:18.279 --> 00:15:20.279 what you're saying. You know, sometimes if you have the conversation, we 207 00:15:20.399 --> 00:15:24.639 may feel we have to do something about it, we don't necessarily need to 208 00:15:24.720 --> 00:15:26.679 because sometimes, as you said, listening is all we need. And if 209 00:15:26.679 --> 00:15:31.440 you can, obviously you know, as you said, signposts to organizations or 210 00:15:31.480 --> 00:15:35.720 services that can offer the right kind of help or the better and also kind 211 00:15:35.720 --> 00:15:39.879 of you know, try to treat them as you with anybody else, just 212 00:15:39.919 --> 00:15:45.480 because somebody has possibly a mental health illness or difficulty doesn't mean suddenly that you 213 00:15:45.480 --> 00:15:48.399 should treat them any different because that's half their problem. You know, you 214 00:15:48.720 --> 00:15:52.120 feel like you have something wrong with you, and you may have an illness, 215 00:15:52.559 --> 00:15:54.399 but you don't necessarily have to treat them like they do. You know, 216 00:15:56.759 --> 00:16:00.320 having a struggle is not necessarily illness. You know, we all I'd 217 00:16:00.320 --> 00:16:07.639 want to say always like, sometimes mental health could just be they're just okay 218 00:16:07.080 --> 00:16:12.480 somebody that somebody that's drinking alcohol may not be a mental health It may just 219 00:16:12.519 --> 00:16:15.279 be a comfort to them, but they're struggling with that, you know, 220 00:16:15.320 --> 00:16:18.320 and then they trying. They know they don't need to, but they still 221 00:16:18.360 --> 00:16:19.879 doing it. So I don't think. I don't know if that's really like 222 00:16:19.879 --> 00:16:26.399 a mental health illness. It's just more like just an addiction or a Yeah. 223 00:16:26.440 --> 00:16:29.919 I mean I say that they're I say that without like the big umbrella 224 00:16:30.039 --> 00:16:32.399 of that what that could be like. But I guess it's you know, 225 00:16:32.639 --> 00:16:36.240 if somebody opens up to you, the last thing they want is judgment. 226 00:16:36.679 --> 00:16:40.960 You look at them differently, treating them differently, especially they've been vulnerable enough 227 00:16:41.000 --> 00:16:44.039 to open up to you. So it's you know, trying to kind of 228 00:16:44.200 --> 00:16:45.480 love and care from them in the way that you may have done before you 229 00:16:45.559 --> 00:16:49.039 knew what was going on for them. I think something you just need to 230 00:16:49.039 --> 00:16:53.600 be honest with them. And like, I think sometimes people that are going 231 00:16:53.639 --> 00:16:56.360 through things don't think they think they're the only ones that's going through it. 232 00:16:56.840 --> 00:17:00.720 Yes, and if you can kind of just like show them or tell them 233 00:17:00.799 --> 00:17:03.559 or just talk to them and make them understand that they're not the only one. 234 00:17:03.680 --> 00:17:08.119 There's other people, even yourself, like myself or yourself, like we 235 00:17:08.160 --> 00:17:15.119 all go through certain things, and give them a different perspective of that they're 236 00:17:15.160 --> 00:17:17.519 not the only ones that's struggling, because I think a lot of times they 237 00:17:17.559 --> 00:17:22.000 think that they just feel like they're all alone and nobody nobody else is suffering 238 00:17:22.079 --> 00:17:23.480 like them. But there's a lot of us suffering. We just had it 239 00:17:23.519 --> 00:17:29.720 better than they do. Yeah, Well, having the courage to tell someone 240 00:17:29.759 --> 00:17:33.400 that you need to seek help, Yeah, that can be a difficult conversation 241 00:17:33.480 --> 00:17:37.240 as well, but yeah, you are, you are struggling, and you 242 00:17:37.279 --> 00:17:40.759 are you're showing signs of X, Y and Z, and I think it's 243 00:17:40.799 --> 00:17:45.880 time that we look for professional help or additional help or whatever that conversation might 244 00:17:45.920 --> 00:17:51.279 turn out to be, but sometimes it needs a hard conversation or some intervention. 245 00:17:52.720 --> 00:17:56.880 But it's all something that we need to do as as we try to 246 00:17:56.920 --> 00:18:00.799 be each other's keeper, you know, yeah, ultimately patients as well, 247 00:18:00.839 --> 00:18:03.559 because as much as you may try to open up and start that conversation, 248 00:18:03.920 --> 00:18:07.680 sometimes people aren't ready to talk and share. But showing that you're willing, 249 00:18:07.519 --> 00:18:11.519 you know, you sow the seeds as it where sometimes at some point they 250 00:18:11.559 --> 00:18:15.920 may be ready to and you may be that person because you've demonstrated already that 251 00:18:15.079 --> 00:18:18.160 yes, you do care, you are looking out and you may be able 252 00:18:18.200 --> 00:18:23.839 to you know here, So definitely, so you know it's a mental health 253 00:18:23.799 --> 00:18:26.480 you're having. The more conversation we have about mental health, the better, 254 00:18:26.559 --> 00:18:30.319 and I think things are getting better. The awareness is you know, when 255 00:18:30.319 --> 00:18:33.240 you look at the stats, one in four people may have a mental health 256 00:18:33.240 --> 00:18:37.960 difficulty or an illness. So it's something that's I'm going to say, where's 257 00:18:37.960 --> 00:18:42.119 the word prevalent, But it's definitely important to kind of break down that stigma, 258 00:18:42.519 --> 00:18:45.599 open up and then hopefully people will access the support that they need. 259 00:18:45.960 --> 00:18:49.039 So if you do feel that you do need some help, if you are 260 00:18:49.039 --> 00:18:53.680 struggling with something, do reach out to services within your local area. The 261 00:18:53.759 --> 00:18:59.880 organization mind has some great resources on their website. We have our own Cornerstone 262 00:19:00.079 --> 00:19:03.000 Counseling that you can access. You may have had their advert at the top 263 00:19:03.039 --> 00:19:06.920 of the show and we'll play that again later on as well. So do 264 00:19:07.000 --> 00:19:10.400 reach out for support because there is out there. Can be difficult and it's 265 00:19:10.480 --> 00:19:14.519 kind of a scary step at times, but also services listing services like the 266 00:19:14.599 --> 00:19:18.240 Samaritans. You know, there's a phone call, you can text, you 267 00:19:18.240 --> 00:19:21.319 can email, There's lots of services out there, So do reach out if 268 00:19:21.359 --> 00:19:26.400 you do need to. But as I was thinking about obviously the idea of 269 00:19:26.519 --> 00:19:32.720 conversation, I was kind of thinking, it's coming to it's February traditionally though 270 00:19:32.799 --> 00:19:36.079 as that month of love. There's lots of other awareness things and stuff going 271 00:19:36.079 --> 00:19:40.480 on as well. So this month we're going to be looking at kind of 272 00:19:40.559 --> 00:19:48.240 relationships a little bit but love, but ultimately marriage as well. So I 273 00:19:48.240 --> 00:19:51.319 can't really speak to marriage because I'm not married, have not been married. 274 00:19:52.039 --> 00:19:56.759 How we will have some people throughout this month talking about being married and what 275 00:19:56.839 --> 00:20:00.920 married life can be like and how we can kind of maintain enhance and you 276 00:20:00.920 --> 00:20:03.559 know, do the tea things that make our marriages help make healthy marriages. 277 00:20:03.960 --> 00:20:11.519 But communication is clearly one of the key things within relationships and relational connections. 278 00:20:11.119 --> 00:20:15.119 I was talking to somebody today about that, and you know, there's a 279 00:20:15.119 --> 00:20:21.640 lot to be said about communication in itself. Communication is really important, whatever 280 00:20:21.680 --> 00:20:25.039 that communication is. And there's various different styles, different ways to communicate, 281 00:20:25.640 --> 00:20:30.000 whether it's verbal, body language, visual as a whole, there's a whole 282 00:20:30.000 --> 00:20:36.079 thing. So we're going to be looking and you know, one of our 283 00:20:36.599 --> 00:20:41.960 co hosts, and you may have had their show on Advantage Radio London as 284 00:20:41.960 --> 00:20:47.720 well, Pedro and Tara, have a podcast called and I'm going to hand 285 00:20:47.720 --> 00:20:51.000 over to you Pedro to kind of tell us a little bit about that. 286 00:20:52.640 --> 00:20:57.599 Okay, get that way, Okay, I'm going to come back very very 287 00:20:57.599 --> 00:21:03.079 briefly just to kind of just a bntion and I'm sorry. Yeah. So 288 00:21:03.119 --> 00:21:08.680 we have a podcast called Heal my Marriage Podcast. It's on YouTube and it's 289 00:21:08.680 --> 00:21:15.359 on all the different audio platforms, Spotify, I don't need an animal just 290 00:21:15.400 --> 00:21:22.119 pretty much all the platforms where we just talk about and as we kind of 291 00:21:22.160 --> 00:21:26.039 talk about our marriage, we do bring in We usually bring in guests, 292 00:21:26.079 --> 00:21:29.599 but we kind of got away from that. We kind of just talk about 293 00:21:30.640 --> 00:21:34.920 different topics that could affect our marriage and affect other people's marriages, give a 294 00:21:34.960 --> 00:21:41.720 different perspective to it. And like I always say in the podcast, we 295 00:21:41.920 --> 00:21:48.519 do it more just from our personal experience because we're not professionals, but we 296 00:21:48.519 --> 00:21:52.200 we just you know, want to give a different I think sometimes people don't 297 00:21:52.240 --> 00:21:55.400 want to hear the professional. They want to hear like the common man or 298 00:21:55.480 --> 00:21:59.960 just the you know, regular jail the rawness. And we just we try 299 00:22:00.119 --> 00:22:06.720 be as transparent and as truthful as possible. We don't get too we don't 300 00:22:06.720 --> 00:22:10.720 get too we have to hold back some things because you know, it's just 301 00:22:10.759 --> 00:22:12.960 some things you don't need to, you know, say, the marriage is 302 00:22:14.000 --> 00:22:18.200 sacred. But we pretty much go right to the line when it comes to 303 00:22:18.839 --> 00:22:22.359 talking about our marriage and talking about the different things that affected us and affected 304 00:22:22.559 --> 00:22:26.160 affects. I think what is affecting people in the church today also on that 305 00:22:26.240 --> 00:22:30.960 subject. I think the problem that we have is that we don't like to 306 00:22:30.960 --> 00:22:34.599 talk about it. And in the church there's a lot of people that are 307 00:22:34.640 --> 00:22:37.960 suffering right now because they don't want to talk about it, and so that's 308 00:22:37.960 --> 00:22:45.559 why we started this podcast and we talk about marriage because I think you know, 309 00:22:47.680 --> 00:22:49.519 you heard stories where you have the man and a woman and they look 310 00:22:49.559 --> 00:22:55.079 go good and then two years divorce and like nobody knows why, and they're 311 00:22:55.119 --> 00:22:56.960 in the church and it could be like the pastor it could be the elder 312 00:22:57.720 --> 00:23:00.680 and you're like, what happened, you know, because nobody was listening or 313 00:23:00.720 --> 00:23:06.599 nobody was talking to them. So I think we tried to with this podcast. 314 00:23:06.640 --> 00:23:11.599 We're trying to open up that avenue where people will not be afraid to 315 00:23:11.640 --> 00:23:15.319 talk about their marriage and maybe get the help or get the counseling or get 316 00:23:15.319 --> 00:23:21.359 the you know, with each other to get it right. Okay, cool. 317 00:23:21.519 --> 00:23:25.839 So that's a little taste of what's the come. So so really that's 318 00:23:26.119 --> 00:23:30.640 going to be looking at, you know, relationships, marriage and throughout this 319 00:23:30.759 --> 00:23:33.480 month this traditionalised I said, month of Love and we're today, we're going 320 00:23:33.519 --> 00:23:37.640 to be looking at communication and how that is so important as a starting point, 321 00:23:37.759 --> 00:23:42.400 a foundation, the basis of many relational connections, et cetera. But 322 00:23:42.680 --> 00:23:47.519 before we get into that, I'm going to play a track now interestingly called 323 00:23:47.599 --> 00:23:53.240 Speechless, which hopefully we won't be today, but this is by Anita Wilson, 324 00:23:53.400 --> 00:23:57.200 and really she's really speaking about just how great God is. And sometimes 325 00:23:57.240 --> 00:24:02.160 there are words that you can use to describe so that leaves her speechless. 326 00:24:02.640 --> 00:24:26.079 This is Anita Wilson. I can say that you want to fall, but 327 00:24:26.240 --> 00:24:33.559 it doesn't seem good enough. I can say that you're kind, but that 328 00:24:33.880 --> 00:24:41.960 would miss the mark. I can say that you're beat to fall, but 329 00:24:41.119 --> 00:24:48.519 to me, who are so much more? How do I commune a cake 330 00:24:51.279 --> 00:25:00.000 exactly who you are? I'm trying to convey the sentimental my heart and say 331 00:25:00.319 --> 00:25:12.799 I really do appreciate the way you priding up mountain. I can't find the 332 00:25:14.240 --> 00:25:22.680 words to describe. It would take a man. He would take a millions 333 00:25:22.960 --> 00:25:32.160 to explain the way you are. The imitomy you are. They everything out 334 00:25:32.200 --> 00:25:47.640 of fury. I'm so up believe the season. Now. If I had 335 00:25:48.000 --> 00:25:56.279 more time, I would go down the line and name all the things that 336 00:25:56.559 --> 00:26:07.599 cativate my heart. Words, but clearly I'm not aware of words that can 337 00:26:07.839 --> 00:26:18.640 compare. How do I come in a case exactly who you are? I'm 338 00:26:18.720 --> 00:26:26.599 trying to convey the sensors of my heart and say I really do agree. 339 00:26:26.960 --> 00:26:40.799 She hate the way pride in the mountain. Oh, I can't fives to 340 00:26:41.160 --> 00:26:48.279 describe. It would take one. They would take appeal him years to this 341 00:26:49.200 --> 00:27:10.240 way, go the opin idea of everything out. I'm so speech I traveled 342 00:27:11.000 --> 00:27:19.400 recall honor my mind. Yes I did and found there's no express shock. 343 00:27:21.079 --> 00:27:33.319 I can if all the way throughout the heads. Sometime I'm searching for a 344 00:27:33.519 --> 00:27:55.160 word to be safe to sack you take my bread the way if I had 345 00:27:55.240 --> 00:28:06.759 turned down in town, count take yess. Oh God, yes you are 346 00:28:07.079 --> 00:28:26.119 everything now that says say what you are? Everything you know? Yes, 347 00:28:29.680 --> 00:28:47.319 you're part making it every way, got me of everything that burns. Say 348 00:28:47.720 --> 00:28:56.200 did you leave him? Miss bess? Dude, say you leave me here? 349 00:29:00.880 --> 00:29:04.319 I just don't know what to say what you need, miss me said, 350 00:29:10.720 --> 00:29:14.240 I've never got a lawyer said like this. If I can't say as 351 00:29:15.720 --> 00:29:29.799 I don't want you, I'm just said. I'm just saying. If I 352 00:29:29.960 --> 00:29:41.799 can't say I can't, then I'll just wave my hand. Can sign you 353 00:29:41.039 --> 00:30:03.799 side? Well? Tell me? Will you do? Said? Love your 354 00:30:06.599 --> 00:30:18.640 you me speechless? Yes, definitely in awe of you, dear Lord. 355 00:30:19.039 --> 00:30:23.039 That's leaving us sometimes speechless. But hopefully we're not going to speak to this 356 00:30:23.160 --> 00:30:26.319 in this conversation today. I do love the words of that. I mean, 357 00:30:26.359 --> 00:30:30.440 I think the sentiment that sometimes there aren't words to describe just how great 358 00:30:30.480 --> 00:30:33.039 God is and the things we go through, and how he's so great to 359 00:30:33.200 --> 00:30:37.200 us. Sometimes we can't find the words to say. However, we are 360 00:30:37.279 --> 00:30:41.640 talking about communication today and how important it is to communicate and definitely to communicate 361 00:30:41.680 --> 00:30:48.759 within relationships. So we hopefully will not be speechless today. And if you 362 00:30:48.799 --> 00:30:52.279 want to join our conversation, please do. If you want to email, 363 00:30:52.319 --> 00:30:56.440 as you can studio at Adventist Radio dot London. You can text us on 364 00:30:56.880 --> 00:31:03.079 eight triple two eight right open space and then your message. We can whatsappers 365 00:31:03.200 --> 00:31:07.759 on zero seven four five ninety six four two eight nine eight. Now every 366 00:31:07.799 --> 00:31:11.480 week we give out those details. Sometimes we don't get much, we don't 367 00:31:11.559 --> 00:31:15.839 care much from people. I hope people are out there listening. But yes, 368 00:31:17.119 --> 00:31:22.720 don't be speechless. Communicate with us there. We don't know how to 369 00:31:22.799 --> 00:31:32.359 bess. I've been holding in and I can't help, but I have to 370 00:31:32.400 --> 00:31:38.000 say it. I don't know what you mean. Okay, so we're talking 371 00:31:38.000 --> 00:31:45.319 about communication. Now, what is communication? I mean? Okay, I 372 00:31:45.359 --> 00:31:48.599 don't say the question that to you or what is communication? For you all 373 00:31:48.960 --> 00:31:56.279 said, yeah, what's communication? Well, conversation. I think we we 374 00:31:56.480 --> 00:32:00.319 have to be sure to and I think there's a confusion that communication is just 375 00:32:00.559 --> 00:32:06.240 one sided and or I don't know if it's still confusing, but there's a 376 00:32:06.319 --> 00:32:12.039 tendency to make it all about us. Yeah, And for me, communicating 377 00:32:12.119 --> 00:32:19.759 is about speaking effectively or talking and actively listening. It's a two way thing. 378 00:32:20.480 --> 00:32:23.359 And I remember being at a wedding once and I married couple stood up 379 00:32:23.400 --> 00:32:29.039 and they were giving advice to the couple was just married, and they said, 380 00:32:30.039 --> 00:32:36.440 there's three seeds to marriage. And I was busy thinking and I came 381 00:32:36.559 --> 00:32:39.000 up with a few in my head. I was like, hmm, communications, 382 00:32:39.039 --> 00:32:45.920 one of course, compromises, another commitment is maybe one? Christ is 383 00:32:45.039 --> 00:32:52.359 one And the guy said communication and the woman said communication and the guy said 384 00:32:52.559 --> 00:33:00.880 communication. The three seeds but then the three seeds to marry to a successful 385 00:33:00.880 --> 00:33:05.640 marriage was communication? Yes, yeah, have been gone like one year. 386 00:33:06.079 --> 00:33:10.480 I'm just it's the baby in this, but I see the point. It's 387 00:33:10.480 --> 00:33:16.200 all about communication for me. The other things too. But if we're not 388 00:33:16.240 --> 00:33:21.400 communicating with each other, and we're not communicating first and foremost with God, 389 00:33:22.279 --> 00:33:28.119 then I don't know how we make it. Yeah, I agree with that. 390 00:33:28.880 --> 00:33:34.960 Yeah, we we We always say that communication is the number one. 391 00:33:35.000 --> 00:33:37.920 I think when we first did our first podcast, that's what we did. 392 00:33:37.960 --> 00:33:39.240 We did it on communication. It was about an hour and a half two 393 00:33:39.279 --> 00:33:45.799 hours, and that's how long it can go. It could have went longer, 394 00:33:45.960 --> 00:33:51.400 but it's definitely the most important thing because if the other person doesn't know 395 00:33:52.200 --> 00:33:55.799 what the other person's feeling, then that's where I think a lot of mishaps 396 00:33:55.839 --> 00:34:01.920 happen. A lot of miscommunication happen where people don't understand because like Tyl could 397 00:34:01.960 --> 00:34:07.000 be doing something any the wife could be doing something and not communicating why she's 398 00:34:07.079 --> 00:34:13.039 doing it. The husband takes it the wrong way and then it goes off 399 00:34:13.079 --> 00:34:16.599 the rails because he gets in his feelings when she had a valid reason for 400 00:34:16.679 --> 00:34:20.519 what she was doing, or even if it's not valid, but it's still 401 00:34:20.679 --> 00:34:23.320 just you know, they if they're not communicating and talking to each other, 402 00:34:23.800 --> 00:34:28.079 they're gonna have it just That's what I think. Small, like, the 403 00:34:28.119 --> 00:34:30.880 smallest arguments is the ones that are worse than the big arguments to us. 404 00:34:31.559 --> 00:34:36.599 To tire myself, I think the big arguments, you know, there's a 405 00:34:36.639 --> 00:34:39.920 big argument. So you tend to be more communic community, to be more 406 00:34:39.960 --> 00:34:44.679 attentive and communication about it. But there's a little things. It's almost like 407 00:34:44.760 --> 00:34:47.400 you say to yourself, it's small. I don't need to say it, 408 00:34:47.440 --> 00:34:50.760 well, I need to say that he should know that he should or she 409 00:34:50.800 --> 00:34:52.239 should know that. So you don't say it, and those are the ones 410 00:34:52.280 --> 00:34:58.159 that turn out to be the biggest arguments, biggest problems because you don't you 411 00:34:58.239 --> 00:35:06.039 don't communicate even the mind new smallest detail sometimes be specific sometimes because if you're 412 00:35:06.079 --> 00:35:15.320 not specifically, you don't say this is why it makes it makes everything just 413 00:35:15.519 --> 00:35:19.880 changed, because then you I'm gonna use us. There's been times where we've 414 00:35:19.880 --> 00:35:22.800 been like having a discussion and then like ten minutes then she'll say, well, 415 00:35:22.880 --> 00:35:24.800 this is why I did that, And I said, why did you 416 00:35:24.840 --> 00:35:29.079 say that ten minutes ago? Because some wouldn't we want to be talking for 417 00:35:29.159 --> 00:35:31.239 the last time. Sometimes I think for me, I don't know for every 418 00:35:31.280 --> 00:35:37.119 other woman in a relationship of marriage. Sometimes I may assume that you should 419 00:35:37.400 --> 00:35:40.480 know how I feel, well, what I'm thinking, instead of actually telling 420 00:35:40.559 --> 00:35:44.199 you what I'm thinking. To individuals, that's what I'm saying. We are 421 00:35:44.280 --> 00:35:46.639 two individuals. But I think sometimes when you've been with a person, you 422 00:35:47.199 --> 00:35:55.159 think they should know already, and and that's totally discounting the whole The whole 423 00:35:55.239 --> 00:36:00.000 thing could have been squashed if you just would have just said how you feel. 424 00:36:00.400 --> 00:36:04.559 And that's why small things can go so big. Well, to be 425 00:36:04.599 --> 00:36:06.920 fair, sometimes I do know, but you know, I still want you 426 00:36:06.960 --> 00:36:09.239 to say it, because I don't know. I don't assume. Well, 427 00:36:09.280 --> 00:36:12.760 it's just like praying to God. God knows what we're gonna pray about, 428 00:36:13.079 --> 00:36:15.840 but all he wants to do is to tell him, So you have to 429 00:36:15.880 --> 00:36:20.599 if you impluence in your marriage and you just want us to ask, Yeah, 430 00:36:20.639 --> 00:36:22.960 you just want us to ask or tell him. And I think that's 431 00:36:22.000 --> 00:36:25.159 the same thing that can go into marriage if you just let the know what 432 00:36:25.239 --> 00:36:30.199 you're feeling without because I think sometimes too, if a person in a relationship 433 00:36:30.480 --> 00:36:34.320 they don't I don't know, if it's a bit of trust that they don't 434 00:36:34.480 --> 00:36:37.719 have that they don't feel like they want to share with their partner at that 435 00:36:37.880 --> 00:36:42.159 time, you know what I mean. And I think it's just building up 436 00:36:42.280 --> 00:36:45.440 to that point to say, Okay, this is how I'm truly feeling without 437 00:36:45.199 --> 00:36:51.519 feeling rejected from your spouse. Yeah, well sometimes not just being rejected, 438 00:36:51.599 --> 00:36:54.199 but like how you say, I know what they're going to say, so 439 00:36:54.239 --> 00:36:57.639 I'm not going to say it. So why even ask the question? Because 440 00:36:57.639 --> 00:37:00.559 I already know the answer to the question. Now you don't know that unless 441 00:37:00.599 --> 00:37:05.360 you ask the question. Yeah, as well, and that's communicating yes, 442 00:37:05.440 --> 00:37:07.079 and as you're saying that. But I was looking at a sort of a 443 00:37:07.119 --> 00:37:10.039 definition of kind of what communication is. One thing that I found was, 444 00:37:10.079 --> 00:37:15.480 you know, communication really is a process of sending and receiving messages, whether 445 00:37:15.559 --> 00:37:19.639 it's through verbal or non vertifle kind of messens. And as as you says, 446 00:37:19.719 --> 00:37:22.519 zen, yeah, it's a two way means of communication, whether it's 447 00:37:22.559 --> 00:37:28.400 information, the form of thoughts, opinions, ideas between whether it's two people 448 00:37:28.639 --> 00:37:31.360 or a group of people. But ultimately with the purpose of building and understanding, 449 00:37:31.840 --> 00:37:37.239 because you're trying to get a message across that hopefully the receiver is going 450 00:37:37.320 --> 00:37:38.840 to be able to understand, get where you're coming from, et cetera, 451 00:37:38.840 --> 00:37:45.239 et cetera. Often the problems are when we don't really understand the messages that 452 00:37:45.360 --> 00:37:51.639 are being conveyed, But ultimately that's what we're trying to do and within relational 453 00:37:51.960 --> 00:37:55.639 a relational context, that's incredibly important, and it may you may have to 454 00:37:55.719 --> 00:38:00.880 communicate in different ways to maybe get your point across. Really have that level 455 00:38:00.920 --> 00:38:06.079 of understanding. So everything that you're saying there is so true. And when 456 00:38:06.119 --> 00:38:08.320 I kind of think about, you know, what sort of God wants us 457 00:38:08.400 --> 00:38:12.199 to do? There are so many sort of texts in the Bibles that really 458 00:38:12.320 --> 00:38:15.320 kind of underpin some of that idea as well, in terms of how we 459 00:38:15.480 --> 00:38:22.320 communicate and what we should be communicating, you know, whether it's actually when 460 00:38:22.320 --> 00:38:24.199 do you think about it? Actually, we want our communication to be positive. 461 00:38:24.400 --> 00:38:28.559 So a text like Ephesians four twenty nine would say, do not let 462 00:38:28.559 --> 00:38:30.559 any unwholesome talk come out of your mouth, but only what is going to 463 00:38:30.559 --> 00:38:35.519 be helpful for building up others according to their needs that it may benefit those 464 00:38:35.559 --> 00:38:37.840 who listen. So again, I want it to be a positive interaction. 465 00:38:39.360 --> 00:38:44.559 There are quinite of a few things in Proverbs that will talk. I think 466 00:38:44.639 --> 00:38:49.199 is Proverbs eighteen thirteen will say that really to answer before listening, that is 467 00:38:49.280 --> 00:38:55.000 fully in shame, and Proverbs eighteen two says fool's found no pleasure in understanding, 468 00:38:55.079 --> 00:38:59.400 but delight and airing their own opinions. So again, what's going to 469 00:38:59.440 --> 00:39:04.000 be the most important thing that we're being said is about our voice being heard 470 00:39:04.559 --> 00:39:09.440 or really hearing to understand and listen. I actually when you when you brought 471 00:39:09.480 --> 00:39:15.719 that up, I actually thought of something we were just talking with the communication 472 00:39:15.840 --> 00:39:21.599 part. The listening. The listening is very important in the communication because it's 473 00:39:21.719 --> 00:39:24.159 just like it's just like when we pray to God, we have to listen 474 00:39:24.599 --> 00:39:29.800 for his answer. Yes, don't listen for his answer, you go off 475 00:39:29.840 --> 00:39:32.599 and do your own thing. So with the with your spouse or with your 476 00:39:32.719 --> 00:39:38.920 partner, you if you're not listening to what the other person is saying, 477 00:39:39.719 --> 00:39:44.119 you can't you're not going to your response is gonna be off because you're not 478 00:39:44.239 --> 00:39:47.320 listening. So we you know, listening is very important. You said it 479 00:39:47.519 --> 00:39:52.519 in the second memory verse. You know by listening, it's very important to 480 00:39:52.599 --> 00:39:55.719 listen because if you if if you listen, then the other person would know 481 00:39:55.920 --> 00:40:00.559 that you actually are paying attention, so then they may be more apt to 482 00:40:00.760 --> 00:40:05.440 say everything and not hold stuff back. I think when you if the person's 483 00:40:05.480 --> 00:40:07.239 talking to you, they see you're really not paying attention, they kind of 484 00:40:08.000 --> 00:40:09.800 say, you know, he's not. They're not even paying attention. Why 485 00:40:09.800 --> 00:40:13.039 am I? Why am I spilling my guts if they're not paying attention. 486 00:40:13.199 --> 00:40:15.760 That's true, And it goes to what I was. I was looking up 487 00:40:15.800 --> 00:40:20.960 something that was talking about listening barriers where it can be different, different and 488 00:40:21.119 --> 00:40:25.639 difficult for people to listen to someone if they preoccupied in their own thoughts and 489 00:40:27.039 --> 00:40:29.760 if they got stuff going on in their own mind, there's no way they 490 00:40:29.800 --> 00:40:36.440 can sit and listen to you and empathize with how or what you're feeling or 491 00:40:36.480 --> 00:40:37.880 what you may be going through. And I think that's what we have to 492 00:40:37.960 --> 00:40:43.519 do when we're talking to our spouses. We have to then turn off whatever's 493 00:40:43.559 --> 00:40:47.639 going on in our minds to actually listen to what our spouses are saying and 494 00:40:47.760 --> 00:40:51.559 not be thinking about all the things. Well that's what that's where you if 495 00:40:51.559 --> 00:40:55.599 you're having a discussion, it's a time and the place you can't have As 496 00:40:55.800 --> 00:41:00.400 as soon as I walk to the door, you can't can I do that? 497 00:41:00.920 --> 00:41:04.760 I listen like life and death, you can't have it. Like if 498 00:41:04.840 --> 00:41:08.280 I just came out the shower, like you know, like give me a 499 00:41:08.320 --> 00:41:12.280 minute to get myself together, then okay, I need to talk. You 500 00:41:12.360 --> 00:41:21.400 know so is Listening is definitely the like the major point of communication when you 501 00:41:21.519 --> 00:41:25.280 listen to because then you start listening now verbally when you when you listen, 502 00:41:27.000 --> 00:41:30.280 you can you can pick up things now verbally that the other spouse is telling 503 00:41:30.320 --> 00:41:38.360 you my eye contact by the head nod gestures or you know, you can 504 00:41:38.440 --> 00:41:42.840 just see in their face like oh yeah, this is not they don't like 505 00:41:42.920 --> 00:41:45.320 this. Okay, I need to I need to pivot to something else. 506 00:41:45.199 --> 00:41:49.960 And it's important too to repeat what your spouse have said so they can know 507 00:41:50.079 --> 00:41:53.239 that you're getting that's only because you can't hear. No, I'm just saying 508 00:41:53.599 --> 00:42:00.280 I think. I think it's important because no, this is fro I'm experience, 509 00:42:01.480 --> 00:42:06.599 isn't it. I guess yes it is. Because sometimes if you're talking 510 00:42:06.679 --> 00:42:09.679 to me and I'm all tuned out and I can't even repeat what you said, 511 00:42:09.760 --> 00:42:13.880 I didn't receive it. That's true, that's what you're talking about, 512 00:42:13.880 --> 00:42:16.320 because you didn't. You didn't you didn't take the barrier down. You were 513 00:42:16.320 --> 00:42:22.199 still thinking about other things while I'm talking to you. Right three to use 514 00:42:22.199 --> 00:42:27.119 that for the five steps ahead already in in in the conversation or in the 515 00:42:27.280 --> 00:42:30.599 communication part where I'm past you already because I'm thinking of something else. So 516 00:42:30.760 --> 00:42:34.480 that's what the barriers need to come down. You need to just take one, 517 00:42:35.000 --> 00:42:37.239 one thing at a time and listen to what the person is saying so 518 00:42:37.400 --> 00:42:40.679 the person person can be receptive to you. I guess see, because I 519 00:42:40.719 --> 00:42:43.679 used to say, like you heard me the first time, I ain't repeating 520 00:42:43.760 --> 00:42:45.920 myself, and be honest, maybe half the time I really didn't hear you 521 00:42:46.039 --> 00:42:50.440 half the time. None, none of that. So and you you were 522 00:42:50.480 --> 00:42:54.840 talking that, I'm thinking to myself how important is And I'm sure you mentioned 523 00:42:54.960 --> 00:43:01.239 or somebody mentioned active listening. So okay you said that activistic. Sorry see, 524 00:43:01.280 --> 00:43:07.599 actually wasn't here, Probably there I said, took that from us. 525 00:43:07.639 --> 00:43:12.199 I remember her saying that, so that, you know, obviously we demonstrated 526 00:43:12.320 --> 00:43:16.960 just how important that is. So what what tips then could we suggest or 527 00:43:17.000 --> 00:43:27.039 can we think of that could be utilized to improve our listing skills? Oh? 528 00:43:27.119 --> 00:43:30.440 I would say, don't be don't you know, don't take it to 529 00:43:30.559 --> 00:43:34.360 heart of everything that the person is saying. You know, don't be so 530 00:43:34.480 --> 00:43:38.400 defensive, you know, be able to accept criticism and and to just be 531 00:43:38.599 --> 00:43:42.880 open to whatever they are saying, because you may not agree with everything, 532 00:43:43.320 --> 00:43:46.760 but you can then steal come to a common ground where you be like, 533 00:43:46.800 --> 00:43:51.199 Okay, I don't agree, but let's try this or let's see what works. 534 00:43:51.440 --> 00:43:53.880 You know what I mean, don't close down the hold or tours whatever 535 00:43:53.920 --> 00:44:00.960 it is you guys are talking about. Mmmined that the past to open up 536 00:44:00.000 --> 00:44:04.079 with, because that's what I'm going to say this. He said, it's 537 00:44:04.119 --> 00:44:06.960 okay to not be. He said, it's okay to not be okay, 538 00:44:07.880 --> 00:44:12.320 And I think that's that's that's open too to any marriage. It's okay if 539 00:44:12.360 --> 00:44:15.639 your marriage has got a rough spot. It's okay if you arguing with each 540 00:44:15.639 --> 00:44:19.760 other. It's okay if you guys are not getting along for that moment. 541 00:44:20.280 --> 00:44:23.199 Because we're too two individuals. We're two different well, same beliefs, but 542 00:44:23.280 --> 00:44:29.599 you know what I mean, two different demeanors, two different thought process and 543 00:44:29.679 --> 00:44:34.079 I know as marriage couples you're supposed to be one, but there's still that 544 00:44:34.599 --> 00:44:38.280 you're still fighting. You know, you're still fighting, you know, like 545 00:44:38.519 --> 00:44:42.519 you know you're still fighting. I want to do it this way, other 546 00:44:42.559 --> 00:44:45.199 person will do it that way, and you have to come together. So 547 00:44:45.320 --> 00:44:47.079 you're going to have moments where you're just not going to get along. But 548 00:44:47.199 --> 00:44:51.159 it's how you handle it, how you communicate, how you listen to each 549 00:44:51.159 --> 00:44:53.440 other, how you interact with each other, how you say, okay, 550 00:44:54.599 --> 00:44:59.119 just what we need to You know, I don't agree with just saying, 551 00:44:59.239 --> 00:45:02.599 but I'm gonna try it compromise, you know, I think, and I 552 00:45:02.679 --> 00:45:07.719 think for me to avoid the silent treatment, like don't don't sit there and 553 00:45:07.760 --> 00:45:10.519 don't say anything. You know what I'm saying, like, talk to them, 554 00:45:10.840 --> 00:45:13.519 let them know what's going on, because I know, for me, 555 00:45:13.599 --> 00:45:15.880 I could become quiet and be like, I'm just not gonna talk anymore. 556 00:45:15.960 --> 00:45:17.400 Now you don't do that. You say, I've already said what it has 557 00:45:17.480 --> 00:45:20.760 to say and I'm not saying nothing else. Yeah, but I'm saying. 558 00:45:20.800 --> 00:45:22.480 But then that's then the solid treatment, because then I choose not to then 559 00:45:22.480 --> 00:45:28.199 communicate, and then the breakdown happens there because I'm choosing not to talk about 560 00:45:28.320 --> 00:45:30.719 whether how big or how small it is, you know what I mean. 561 00:45:30.760 --> 00:45:35.639 And then when we just do talk about it and it builds up, then 562 00:45:35.679 --> 00:45:37.760 you jump into conclusions. Then you just everything just hit in the wall. 563 00:45:37.960 --> 00:45:45.639 When you just could explain yourself in the beginning. Yeah, I'm ahead thoughts 564 00:45:45.679 --> 00:45:51.199 on because you know you've been talking about, you know, the idea active 565 00:45:51.760 --> 00:45:58.000 activisting and how important listing is for me, and I'm gonna throw it out 566 00:45:58.039 --> 00:46:02.000 to put you and power as well. I've found in my only you know, 567 00:46:02.840 --> 00:46:12.400 five days in sort of thing that I get weary of talking M And 568 00:46:12.840 --> 00:46:21.360 for me, communicating and proving that you have listened is in your follow through 569 00:46:21.880 --> 00:46:25.440 M. So I get a lot. I get disappointed when I've said something 570 00:46:25.480 --> 00:46:29.440 a million times. And this is not even just in marriage. It's it's 571 00:46:29.519 --> 00:46:32.119 when I'm talking to my son or you know, when I've said, please 572 00:46:32.360 --> 00:46:39.159 make your bed when you wake up, or please put the seep down, 573 00:46:39.519 --> 00:46:45.840 or the put a cup away when you're done using it. And I will 574 00:46:45.960 --> 00:46:50.360 say that a million times, and when I come around to the table, 575 00:46:50.639 --> 00:46:52.559 there it is, you know, everyone's left the table and the cups are 576 00:46:52.599 --> 00:46:58.039 still there, and I'm thinking, well, that's not communicating. Somewhere along 577 00:46:58.079 --> 00:47:01.159 the line there was a disconnect because I couldn't have said it, you couldn't 578 00:47:01.159 --> 00:47:07.159 have received that. I've not done anything about it. M. It's when 579 00:47:07.239 --> 00:47:09.719 things like that happen, I slowly peel back, or I'll pull back, 580 00:47:10.519 --> 00:47:15.119 and as you said, Tara, here comes a silent treatment. Or I 581 00:47:15.199 --> 00:47:21.559 didn't take the cop up and fling it in the sink, right, you 582 00:47:21.639 --> 00:47:25.079 know that maybe I was looking at somebody said the quarter to eight hour rule. 583 00:47:25.400 --> 00:47:29.519 So like, if you it's something that you that your partner has done 584 00:47:29.599 --> 00:47:32.719 to you that makes you angry, when it's the most important time to bring 585 00:47:32.800 --> 00:47:36.039 it up, and it was just saying, wait for to eight hours just 586 00:47:36.119 --> 00:47:37.320 to see how you feel, think about it, think about what you're gonna 587 00:47:37.360 --> 00:47:44.079 say, and then if it's still bothering you after that, then talk to 588 00:47:44.119 --> 00:47:46.960 your spouse and say, look, this been bothering me. And then when 589 00:47:47.000 --> 00:47:51.039 you normally say but when you But what I had to learn was stop saying 590 00:47:51.559 --> 00:47:54.639 you you you, and then just saying this is how I feel, this 591 00:47:54.800 --> 00:47:59.639 is this is how this made me feel, instead of making them feel like 592 00:48:00.199 --> 00:48:04.119 they're the victim or making them feel like they I'm the victim of the data 593 00:48:04.119 --> 00:48:08.480 perpetrating. So you're basically just trying to You want to bring them into the 594 00:48:08.559 --> 00:48:12.119 conversation. You want to want to you know what I'm saying, You want 595 00:48:12.159 --> 00:48:15.519 to connect. Well, if they feel like you're then throwing stuff at them, 596 00:48:15.519 --> 00:48:19.239 they're going to put up a defence. Then you're gonna start arguing. 597 00:48:19.480 --> 00:48:22.119 Then you're never gonna get to the point, and you're never gonna understand why 598 00:48:22.159 --> 00:48:24.159 you're upsetting in the first place, and then you don't never get anywhere. 599 00:48:24.159 --> 00:48:29.000 Then the breakdown communication, everything just goes down here again. It's a time 600 00:48:29.079 --> 00:48:30.400 of place. Like you said earlier, I didn't want to say it then 601 00:48:30.440 --> 00:48:34.199 because people would have thought I was being funny because they don't know how we 602 00:48:34.280 --> 00:48:37.559 bound to with each other. When you were talking earlier about how you know 603 00:48:37.679 --> 00:48:39.519 you're shut down, I was like, well, fine, I just walk 604 00:48:39.599 --> 00:48:44.599 away. That's good. I just just walk away. I'm like, all 605 00:48:44.639 --> 00:48:45.760 right, you want to be quiet, I'm going upstairs. See you later. 606 00:48:45.880 --> 00:48:51.119 I'll go for a drive. But you'll be amazed. Her arguments can 607 00:48:51.239 --> 00:48:53.800 get really worse when a person becomes silent. Yes, that's why I walk 608 00:48:53.840 --> 00:48:57.119 away, so that we're not around each other, because if we're around each 609 00:48:57.159 --> 00:49:00.760 other we're silent. It does get end, but it used to in some 610 00:49:00.079 --> 00:49:06.400 marriages. If a person becomes silent, somebody made, somebody understand abusive of 611 00:49:06.519 --> 00:49:10.000 somebody may get mad and trying to force talk about when you're not ready right. 612 00:49:10.159 --> 00:49:13.400 But that's what I'm saying, like what I was going to say is 613 00:49:13.440 --> 00:49:17.679 what you just but what you just said like walk away at discussion or like 614 00:49:20.559 --> 00:49:23.440 I find that when you have a when you have a disagreement or something like 615 00:49:23.519 --> 00:49:27.679 with the dishes, or like you says saying you're with the cups, if 616 00:49:27.719 --> 00:49:30.480 you okay, you walk away and then you come back a couple hours later, 617 00:49:30.880 --> 00:49:35.599 and then you it always a conversation always ends up on that subject, 618 00:49:36.119 --> 00:49:38.679 and then you're like, well, you know earlier, when you did this, 619 00:49:39.280 --> 00:49:44.639 it really bothered me, you know, or like even like as a 620 00:49:44.639 --> 00:49:47.239 matter of fact, even cause the pastor today was saying he choose, he 621 00:49:47.360 --> 00:49:52.239 choose loudly. So his wife was like, you're not really, don't like 622 00:49:52.320 --> 00:49:53.960 when you know, people make a lot of noise when they chew or when 623 00:49:54.000 --> 00:49:58.559 they but she didn't direct it to him. She just kind of generalized it. 624 00:49:59.079 --> 00:50:00.840 And he was like, you know, he's he's eating and he's thinking. 625 00:50:00.880 --> 00:50:05.280 He's like, wait a minute, are you talking about me? No, 626 00:50:05.599 --> 00:50:09.039 not really, I'm just saying you know that, you know, you 627 00:50:09.079 --> 00:50:12.599 know, it would be nice if it was a little bit quieter when we 628 00:50:12.719 --> 00:50:16.039 eat, you know. So there's ways to do things and say things I 629 00:50:16.079 --> 00:50:23.559 think sometimes it's the presentation that causes the reaction then and then it just it 630 00:50:23.719 --> 00:50:30.440 just blows out because like I would pick the cups up and throw them in 631 00:50:30.480 --> 00:50:36.920 the garbage. I'm not sorry, I would pick them up and throw them 632 00:50:36.960 --> 00:50:38.320 in the garbage. And then when they go looking for the coup come to 633 00:50:38.360 --> 00:50:42.960 the garbage, hight in the garbage because nobody want to get it was just 634 00:50:43.119 --> 00:50:47.719 me, you know what, use you said the same, but you really 635 00:50:47.800 --> 00:50:54.599 meant the garbage or the bench. And then I thought, that's a very 636 00:50:54.639 --> 00:51:00.760 expensive solution there, you know what sometimes spends the solution needs to be made 637 00:51:00.800 --> 00:51:04.400 to make a point. But you see something like what you're saying to be 638 00:51:04.440 --> 00:51:07.280 able to get to an understanding is there kind of so maybe I'm going to 639 00:51:07.440 --> 00:51:10.719 use the word work to do or kind of getting to a place where you 640 00:51:10.800 --> 00:51:15.480 do understand each other to be able to kind of know what those things will 641 00:51:15.519 --> 00:51:20.679 be on how you may respond or react to certain things you say about work. 642 00:51:20.760 --> 00:51:22.719 You got kind of cut off for a minute. Oh, I was 643 00:51:22.800 --> 00:51:27.840 saying in terms of getting to a point where you kind of are understanding how 644 00:51:27.960 --> 00:51:30.079 the other person may respond to what you're saying and doing. Et cetera, 645 00:51:30.119 --> 00:51:34.360 and how you then would respond, Is there anything you could you could do 646 00:51:34.639 --> 00:51:38.239 beforehand? So that should be when you're in a situation or having a conversation 647 00:51:38.519 --> 00:51:42.280 that maybe doesn't go as you plan or you know, and you're having a 648 00:51:42.320 --> 00:51:45.639 conversation almost like the groundwork or laying the foundation turn out of knowing how each 649 00:51:45.719 --> 00:51:50.639 other will be to enable you to understand each other better within your conversations. 650 00:51:52.559 --> 00:51:59.480 Like I said with the if I know how I's going to respond to certain 651 00:51:59.519 --> 00:52:02.679 things, because she's emotional sometimes in certain things, and if I if I 652 00:52:02.760 --> 00:52:07.280 say something to her in a certain way, I know she's going to get 653 00:52:07.280 --> 00:52:12.599 defensive right away. So I've learned to say it like a matter of fact 654 00:52:12.719 --> 00:52:17.639 instead of pointing a finger or saying it like deliberately or directly. So I'll 655 00:52:17.800 --> 00:52:22.599 like maybe just like bring it up as a conversational point or like or like 656 00:52:22.840 --> 00:52:23.960 you know, just kind of like you know, I was reading this and 657 00:52:24.519 --> 00:52:29.079 you know it says that blah blah blah, and then she's not thinking that 658 00:52:29.159 --> 00:52:34.559 I'm actually like coming directly for her, because I think sometimes yeah, learn 659 00:52:34.639 --> 00:52:39.079 your partner's triggers because sometimes you know, you just just saying it like like 660 00:52:39.199 --> 00:52:44.480 she said, you you did this that automatically, right, there's gonna put 661 00:52:44.519 --> 00:52:47.920 anybody in the defensive and you're going to be like, what what you mean 662 00:52:49.039 --> 00:52:52.119 me? What about all the things you do? You do this, you 663 00:52:52.239 --> 00:52:57.960 do this, and you part it bring up Oh yeah, you go right 664 00:52:58.000 --> 00:53:00.960 to the past. You go back to you go back to me. Yeah, 665 00:53:02.199 --> 00:53:05.760 it just brings it just it's take you to a place where you don't 666 00:53:05.760 --> 00:53:10.000 need to be, because then then your marriage is now in a hard place 667 00:53:10.559 --> 00:53:14.519 because now you can't even now you can't even get through the conversation. But 668 00:53:14.639 --> 00:53:17.960 then now you're putting old stuff in to what you're trying to into the conversation 669 00:53:19.079 --> 00:53:22.559 that don't even need to be there. You see again, that's because you 670 00:53:22.679 --> 00:53:25.559 never did heal from that old problem. And that's the way the trauma comes 671 00:53:25.639 --> 00:53:30.639 because you never you never fix the problem that you're bringing up, now, 672 00:53:31.119 --> 00:53:34.119 you know what I mean? And then now you got one problem on top 673 00:53:34.159 --> 00:53:36.800 of the next problem, then on top of the next problem, and then 674 00:53:36.880 --> 00:53:38.760 you never hear from each problem. So how do you hear from that? 675 00:53:39.239 --> 00:53:45.239 Heal? How do you heal from your past hurt? Talk about that hurt, 676 00:53:45.360 --> 00:53:47.800 that that that got you to still be talked. Why are you talking 677 00:53:47.800 --> 00:53:51.599 about it now? You know what I mean? You have to address the 678 00:53:51.719 --> 00:53:54.719 issue because if you don't, then your partner don't know. Your partner don't 679 00:53:54.760 --> 00:53:58.239 know what you think in all twenty four seven, they only know unless you 680 00:53:58.320 --> 00:54:00.280 tell them. And I think it's important to address That's I have to learn 681 00:54:00.320 --> 00:54:05.960 that in our relationship, is to address those hard things that's causing me to 682 00:54:06.119 --> 00:54:09.360 still be in that place that we can't even have a new cover, a 683 00:54:09.559 --> 00:54:13.880 new argument without breaking up the old. Right. Yeah, I like what 684 00:54:13.960 --> 00:54:16.639 you said about knowing knowing the triggers. Yeah, it's really good. It's 685 00:54:16.679 --> 00:54:22.840 really I'm sorry because in in communication, if I know what's going to trigger 686 00:54:22.880 --> 00:54:25.280 her, I'm going to try to stay away from those from those words or 687 00:54:25.320 --> 00:54:30.000 those trigger words are even those actions you know, I'm going to stay away 688 00:54:30.039 --> 00:54:31.760 from that. I'm gonna be like, Okay, deliberately, I'm not going 689 00:54:31.880 --> 00:54:35.320 to because I know if I do this, she's going to be like, 690 00:54:36.119 --> 00:54:37.679 like if I start screaming at the top of my lungs, she's gonna be 691 00:54:37.800 --> 00:54:40.760 like, oh my goodness, that's how he was when we first met. 692 00:54:42.239 --> 00:54:44.920 Now he's right back to that again. Is he going to go back to 693 00:54:44.960 --> 00:54:49.239 the always like it's a natural human element that you start thinking that way, 694 00:54:49.920 --> 00:54:52.519 you know, so you have to be mindful and is and what we say 695 00:54:52.840 --> 00:54:58.239 most times in marriage is work. It's like it's like it's your first job. 696 00:54:58.599 --> 00:55:02.039 You work hard. This thing is marriage is not easy. It's not 697 00:55:02.239 --> 00:55:06.119 made to be easy. It's made to be hard. And I think, 698 00:55:07.039 --> 00:55:12.679 just like how godless things happen to us, it builds character, builds your 699 00:55:12.800 --> 00:55:15.320 it builds your soul, It builds your spirit, your soul. It just 700 00:55:15.400 --> 00:55:19.480 builds you to be a better person when you get married, because it teaches 701 00:55:19.559 --> 00:55:22.159 you things that you probably would never got unless you had that, you know, 702 00:55:22.360 --> 00:55:25.840 other partner. When you're just by yourself, you're not going to learn 703 00:55:25.880 --> 00:55:29.840 the things that a married person will learn. Single people will learn certain things 704 00:55:29.920 --> 00:55:32.159 that single people will learn. But marriage people, marriage people, you know, 705 00:55:32.280 --> 00:55:37.679 you learn, you learn how to forgive. Yeah, you right, 706 00:55:37.760 --> 00:55:52.960 COMPASSIONTII And I think I have to mentally, I have to mentally say to 707 00:55:53.079 --> 00:55:58.639 myself, is it really necessary for me to to go there? You know, 708 00:55:59.400 --> 00:56:00.599 I know if I go there? That was my next point. Yeah, 709 00:56:00.760 --> 00:56:04.519 right, it's gonna start. We're gonna start an argument over what at 710 00:56:04.519 --> 00:56:06.599 the end of I don't even know what we're arguing about. Do you give 711 00:56:06.599 --> 00:56:09.800 it a So what's the point I would have. Yeah, when you said 712 00:56:09.840 --> 00:56:14.840 no the trigger and you said no the triggers, I also thought, know 713 00:56:14.960 --> 00:56:19.639 the place and the time as well. Definitely, like I I'm a very 714 00:56:19.960 --> 00:56:23.880 big I'm very big on keeping private things private. Yeah. Right, so 715 00:56:24.639 --> 00:56:29.280 if we're out and something comes up, I'd say let's talk about it at 716 00:56:29.320 --> 00:56:32.079 home. And again it applies to all relationships. I try not to embarrass 717 00:56:32.239 --> 00:56:37.039 my son, embarrass my husband. I try not to you. If there's 718 00:56:37.039 --> 00:56:38.239 an issue and it's really burning me, I say, you know, let's 719 00:56:38.239 --> 00:56:42.519 step aside, because in front of everyone else, he's you know, he's 720 00:56:42.599 --> 00:56:46.519 king wow, that kind of thing. So yeah, as well as knowing 721 00:56:46.559 --> 00:56:50.239 triggers, i'd say no the time and place, and also not even just 722 00:56:50.320 --> 00:56:52.719 in terms of that, it's like, maybe the best time to have the 723 00:56:52.760 --> 00:56:55.000 conversation is when we're all loved up. Maybe the best time to have the 724 00:56:55.039 --> 00:57:00.400 conversation is out after dinner or something like that. You know, maybe you 725 00:57:01.840 --> 00:57:10.320 give yourself time to calm down before you go into the compilation. But you 726 00:57:10.400 --> 00:57:15.079 know what that was talking about not embarrassing your spouse. It made me think 727 00:57:15.079 --> 00:57:17.360 about you remember when we used to live in Bermuda and you used to do 728 00:57:17.519 --> 00:57:22.119 this thing when we was in front of people, where Peter used to be 729 00:57:22.239 --> 00:57:24.960 like like, he'll say things that was smart and if he embarrassed me, 730 00:57:25.199 --> 00:57:28.559 and he used to do it in front of people, and it got to 731 00:57:28.679 --> 00:57:30.840 the point I didn't that it bothered me so bad. I was telling my 732 00:57:30.960 --> 00:57:34.360 friend about it and I was like, now, why do you do that? 733 00:57:34.440 --> 00:57:37.199 Why do you embarrass me? Why do you say certain things that I 734 00:57:37.320 --> 00:57:39.679 don't like, you know, in fro the people, and and and that's 735 00:57:39.760 --> 00:57:43.400 that was the growing part in our marriage because I see where we are now 736 00:57:43.599 --> 00:57:45.440 versus where we are then, and I was like, he would never do 737 00:57:45.559 --> 00:57:51.039 that now. But before I that was and we didn't know how important that 738 00:57:51.320 --> 00:57:57.079 was. I may still that slip up, do you. I'll be honest, 739 00:57:57.159 --> 00:58:04.880 I mean may. I'm not personally all brain my mouth before my brain, 740 00:58:05.039 --> 00:58:07.119 so like I'll say something and they be like, oh y, I 741 00:58:07.159 --> 00:58:09.800 shouldn't have said that. Okay, we'se there because I want to find out 742 00:58:09.840 --> 00:58:14.400 how YouTube Tar and Pege got to the point where you are now. So 743 00:58:14.519 --> 00:58:19.760 we're gonna take a quick music break, and I'm going to play Dietrich Hadden 744 00:58:20.480 --> 00:58:23.440 sudden marry Mary, love him like I do because I guess we do. 745 00:58:23.960 --> 00:58:32.119 So we'll be right back after this. Is it break? What's a game? 746 00:58:32.320 --> 00:58:45.079 What's a game? Passed through the church, my folks saying, friends, 747 00:58:45.559 --> 00:58:52.480 listen to these roads, see God segment from myself when no one else 748 00:58:52.719 --> 00:58:59.159 was around, and it's only mercy. It's fabe because I know I don't 749 00:58:59.199 --> 00:59:34.880 desert love you show. Let you know my seeing that a testimony have received 750 00:59:35.039 --> 00:59:39.000 my soul. I was just a scening in the cool. You need a 751 00:59:39.159 --> 00:59:45.440 second chance seeing me from myself into my rescue when I needed he. You 752 00:59:45.519 --> 00:59:52.960 won't know that me said I was. He took me from the battle and 753 00:59:53.119 --> 00:59:57.480 put me on the top. You need his hands on me, and now 754 00:59:57.599 --> 01:00:08.800 I keep she come to swell the man mad, my other I who happen? 755 01:00:16.119 --> 01:00:25.400 That's what my had and I love them. Somebody told me that we 756 01:00:25.960 --> 01:00:34.239 become my auntiest the mad and you wouldn't be if I that thing used to 757 01:00:34.360 --> 01:00:42.039 parents me. God let me through a test and he throws the very best 758 01:00:42.360 --> 01:00:57.840 me. Never forget what a mean man. Tell you what sad. Let 759 01:00:57.920 --> 01:01:44.480 me tell you what love it. Yes, that's why I love him like 760 01:01:44.599 --> 01:01:47.840 I do now. Before this music break, we were having a very good 761 01:01:47.880 --> 01:01:53.280 discussion on listening. We're doing a lot of talking around that, and one 762 01:01:53.280 --> 01:01:55.840 of the things that actually and then you kind of highlight it as well, 763 01:01:55.920 --> 01:01:59.719 is in the you know, the importance of kinds of really understanding each other 764 01:02:00.400 --> 01:02:04.119 and whether it's sometimes they're trigger points or the things that are going to elicit 765 01:02:04.280 --> 01:02:08.119 certain responses and reactions from people, and how we can effectively, how we 766 01:02:08.199 --> 01:02:13.000 can use that kind of knowledge effectively in the communication that we have, because 767 01:02:13.360 --> 01:02:16.400 ultimately we want each other, we want to understand each other. So if 768 01:02:16.400 --> 01:02:22.840 you kind of know whether it's the best time to have that conversation or the 769 01:02:22.960 --> 01:02:25.159 things to say or not to say in terms of again in the response that 770 01:02:25.239 --> 01:02:30.159 you want, that can only be really a good thing. So Pedro and 771 01:02:30.320 --> 01:02:36.119 Tara, tell me how long you two have been married. We've been married 772 01:02:36.159 --> 01:02:44.239 eighteen years. Eighteen years, yeow, so sure I've been married at eighteen 773 01:02:44.519 --> 01:02:51.440 long but lovely years. Okay, So I'm sure, I'm sure. I 774 01:02:51.519 --> 01:02:53.760 mean, I'm not going to have d a rhetorical question. Communication has played 775 01:02:53.800 --> 01:03:00.679 a big part within your relationship, your marriage and some of the things that 776 01:03:00.760 --> 01:03:07.320 I was actually in the past five years. Communications played a big part in 777 01:03:07.280 --> 01:03:13.639 Okay. In the beginning, for me, communicating was was hard. Hard. 778 01:03:14.039 --> 01:03:15.719 I used to be afraid to say how I felt to the point where 779 01:03:15.760 --> 01:03:20.639 it had my side to levels high and I just it was, you know, 780 01:03:20.840 --> 01:03:23.800 it was hard for me to even speak what I felt because I think 781 01:03:23.880 --> 01:03:30.760 at the time, I know, I know at the time Pedro was I 782 01:03:30.800 --> 01:03:34.000 would say, my husband was like an angry person, so like trying to 783 01:03:34.079 --> 01:03:37.400 talk to him made me feel afraid. Yeah, He's like if I felt 784 01:03:37.440 --> 01:03:40.159 like if I said something to him, he was gonna it was gonna blow 785 01:03:40.199 --> 01:03:44.320 up. I couldn't even finish the whole sitten. Yeah, it blow it 786 01:03:44.360 --> 01:03:47.960 blowed up. It blew up really fast before we was able to see our 787 01:03:49.000 --> 01:03:52.599 communication was not good at all. And so and I think that's why we 788 01:03:53.159 --> 01:03:58.599 had so many issues in the beginning, because just being afraid to speak to 789 01:03:58.599 --> 01:04:01.079 your spouses. I would say, it's hard. Is hard when you feel 790 01:04:01.119 --> 01:04:05.840 like you can't even say how you feel, or just just just saying look, 791 01:04:06.199 --> 01:04:09.800 or just me saying to Pedro, I don't like how this made me 792 01:04:09.880 --> 01:04:14.480 feel. Me I was just afraid to speak discussion. Yeah, just have 793 01:04:14.559 --> 01:04:18.400 another discussion, and I will say we have grown from that point. Yeah, 794 01:04:19.239 --> 01:04:24.920 because having that difficulty then to communicate. How did that impact your How 795 01:04:24.920 --> 01:04:31.679 did that impact the relationship? Relationship was ten years at best. We loved 796 01:04:31.719 --> 01:04:35.320 each other, we did, but I think part of the problem was that 797 01:04:35.519 --> 01:04:40.239 I have been divorced twice, so I brought a lot of that baggage with 798 01:04:40.360 --> 01:04:44.280 me into this marriage where we didn't talk about at the beginning of a long 799 01:04:44.320 --> 01:04:47.320 communication. We didn't have counseling. We didn't so I would say, always 800 01:04:47.360 --> 01:04:53.840 have counseling before you get married, because it gives the counseling. Some people 801 01:04:53.840 --> 01:04:58.880 say, I don't do counseling, but the counseling will allow whatever issues, 802 01:04:59.079 --> 01:05:02.119 underlying issues maybe happening to come out where you at least know what you're getting 803 01:05:02.119 --> 01:05:06.360 into. I think neither one of us knew what was getting into for Taara, 804 01:05:08.119 --> 01:05:10.440 for me, for me, for tar it was more that she was 805 01:05:10.599 --> 01:05:14.400 just I won't say mature, because she was immature. Let me finish. 806 01:05:14.480 --> 01:05:16.599 She was mature, but you was young, so you had a lot of 807 01:05:16.800 --> 01:05:21.639 you had a lot of certainty was you was You was definitely afraid of my 808 01:05:21.719 --> 01:05:28.199 ex wives or like in the sense of me going back, like me getting 809 01:05:28.280 --> 01:05:30.519 and then going back to them, which I told you, I never go 810 01:05:30.639 --> 01:05:32.840 backwards. I just don't go backwards. And once I'm done, I would 811 01:05:32.840 --> 01:05:38.639 say the insecurities lies the security. The insecurities lives there because I wasn't, 812 01:05:38.719 --> 01:05:43.239 you know, being with someone that has been married before you sometimes well for 813 01:05:43.360 --> 01:05:45.519 me, I felt like, are you going to go back to them? 814 01:05:45.519 --> 01:05:50.840 As some cause children and stuff already and me walking into the marriage. And 815 01:05:51.079 --> 01:05:54.679 I'm not going to say I didn't have baggage, but I didn't have baggage 816 01:05:54.719 --> 01:05:58.519 in the sense of being married before having children, which is something I always 817 01:05:58.519 --> 01:06:03.440 did experienced. I just didn't have experience being in a serious relationship, being 818 01:06:03.519 --> 01:06:08.760 prepared and ready for you know, a step mom, and just walking in. 819 01:06:08.840 --> 01:06:12.000 I didn't really know what all with it all involved, even though my 820 01:06:12.079 --> 01:06:16.760 parents were telling me, are you ready for a man that's much much experience 821 01:06:16.800 --> 01:06:20.559 as he's compedal sen years older than me, So to be with someone that 822 01:06:20.679 --> 01:06:26.920 has had technically okay, well, being with someone that has that much experience 823 01:06:26.960 --> 01:06:30.840 before I even walked in was challenging for me. I knew I wanted to 824 01:06:30.960 --> 01:06:34.480 be with him, but I wasn't sure if I was ready to fulfill the 825 01:06:34.639 --> 01:06:39.239 role that I was walking into. That makes sense, Yeah, yeah, 826 01:06:39.599 --> 01:06:43.280 yeah, So then sort of fast forward. I mean, Pedri, you're 827 01:06:43.280 --> 01:06:47.320 saying that communication has played a huge part or maybe you're better communication over the 828 01:06:47.440 --> 01:06:51.800 last five years. What kind of got you to that point? And yeah, 829 01:06:51.840 --> 01:06:55.920 how did that? I'll give you a quick rundown. So pretty much, 830 01:06:56.239 --> 01:06:58.960 actually more than that six years where he got here, the communication got 831 01:06:59.039 --> 01:07:02.960 better. I would say, once we moved away from everybody, Yes, 832 01:07:03.079 --> 01:07:06.000 and I know that's gonna sound mean, but honestly, once we moved there, 833 01:07:06.239 --> 01:07:11.440 once we moved away, wemoved ourselves from our families and our friends. 834 01:07:11.599 --> 01:07:14.360 And it's not and not that not that the family and friends were doing anything 835 01:07:14.440 --> 01:07:18.280 wrong. It was just there's a lot of influence. Once we once it 836 01:07:18.400 --> 01:07:26.679 was just us and the pandemic hit, it forced us to come together and 837 01:07:27.400 --> 01:07:31.719 and communicate that and learn each other. Finally, I don't think some people 838 01:07:31.760 --> 01:07:35.119 in marriage to take the time to actually learn their spouse right and what they 839 01:07:35.320 --> 01:07:39.400 and what their triggers are and what they don't like and and I don't think 840 01:07:39.440 --> 01:07:43.480 we take the time to do that because we so were so involved with our 841 01:07:43.559 --> 01:07:47.039 own feelings and what we think should be and what we think our spouse should 842 01:07:47.119 --> 01:07:51.679 be instead of learning them for who they are and getting to know them. 843 01:07:53.280 --> 01:07:55.760 And because sometimes if you really take the time to get you to know your 844 01:07:55.760 --> 01:07:58.599 spouse, you'd be like, wow, I didn't know that this was this 845 01:07:58.840 --> 01:08:00.559 was you, and you see a whole different way of who it is. 846 01:08:01.440 --> 01:08:03.840 Right. So we like because we went through three different stages. Our first 847 01:08:03.920 --> 01:08:09.440 stage was living in New York and Alabama, and I was just mean and 848 01:08:09.559 --> 01:08:12.639 nasty and and mad all the time, breaking things. I booked my hand 849 01:08:12.679 --> 01:08:16.960 one time, punching the silliness, punching the wall or the whatever, yeah, 850 01:08:16.960 --> 01:08:19.760 in the kitchen whatever. Yeah. Yeah, that was just stupid. 851 01:08:19.760 --> 01:08:23.760 It lost my job for that and everything all I did was hurting myself and 852 01:08:23.840 --> 01:08:27.479 my family. And then we went into the second phase when we moved to 853 01:08:27.520 --> 01:08:32.760 Bermuda and we went through more face. That was a second phase where we 854 01:08:33.079 --> 01:08:38.920 just started started. It started to get better, but it was getting worse 855 01:08:39.000 --> 01:08:42.000 at the same time. If that like, it was getting better, but 856 01:08:42.399 --> 01:08:45.239 so we would take two steps forward, take ten steps back, take a 857 01:08:45.279 --> 01:08:47.159 step forward, take five steps back. We was we was trying to we 858 01:08:47.319 --> 01:08:53.760 was fighting through it, but we kept going backwards until we had a conversation 859 01:08:54.720 --> 01:08:57.920 and Tal was like, if you don't change, I'm going to leave. 860 01:08:58.560 --> 01:09:02.039 So I reached out to Pasta and then we started. That's when we first 861 01:09:02.079 --> 01:09:06.079 got counseling. Okay, and then that's where we started to build on our 862 01:09:06.159 --> 01:09:11.359 marriage from that point. But we still was tow was still because all the 863 01:09:11.439 --> 01:09:15.159 past trauma. She was still very what's the word. She was still very 864 01:09:15.239 --> 01:09:18.279 wary of me going back to my old ways. And you know what, 865 01:09:18.479 --> 01:09:24.239 you know what really helped me through the process is that seeing my parents together 866 01:09:24.359 --> 01:09:28.159 for thirty our years, seeing them married, going through their differences, the 867 01:09:28.239 --> 01:09:30.079 good or bad, they still was together. And I think that was in 868 01:09:30.159 --> 01:09:35.960 my mind and I think seeing that and being around that allowed me to stay 869 01:09:36.000 --> 01:09:40.960 in our marriage and wanted to work it out rather it got bad or however, 870 01:09:41.399 --> 01:09:45.079 and it did get bad at some points, but I still was never 871 01:09:45.239 --> 01:09:46.960 at the thought of, Okay, I'm a divorce to my husband because it's 872 01:09:47.039 --> 01:09:50.159 just not working out and I'm not just gonna walk out doing the hardest time. 873 01:09:50.239 --> 01:09:55.079 So I think that's what seeing the stability in my parents really helped me 874 01:09:55.359 --> 01:09:59.720 to stand. You know state the course what we was going through at the 875 01:09:59.760 --> 01:10:04.000 time. Yeah, and now in terms of you know, where you are 876 01:10:04.119 --> 01:10:09.359 now, in terms of your communication, the way which you communicate better, 877 01:10:09.439 --> 01:10:14.199 how is that now impacting your relationship? I have a weird well, I 878 01:10:14.319 --> 01:10:19.399 was thinking about that. We actually communicate very weird. I think, yeah, 879 01:10:19.479 --> 01:10:24.479 we we we communicate on the phone, okay, because and this is 880 01:10:24.560 --> 01:10:29.520 reason why. Because my facial she doesn't like my facial expressions. So we're 881 01:10:29.600 --> 01:10:32.359 talking sometimes I may just start laughing, or I may just make you know, 882 01:10:32.520 --> 01:10:35.039 like I may just make like a scout face, like what are you 883 01:10:35.159 --> 01:10:41.039 talking about? What you That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. So is 884 01:10:41.079 --> 01:10:45.399 a weird thing. So we started to realize that me being old, a 885 01:10:45.520 --> 01:10:48.279 lot, a lot of our conversations happened during the day, during the morning 886 01:10:49.159 --> 01:10:53.479 and when I'm going to my first job, or just throughout the day in 887 01:10:53.560 --> 01:10:59.399 between jobs, and we seem to have a better and then we communicate better 888 01:10:59.439 --> 01:11:02.079 on the phone. We set the groundwork for how the comet, how this 889 01:11:02.199 --> 01:11:05.520 conversation is going to go. So then when we do see each other, 890 01:11:05.960 --> 01:11:10.319 we've already kind of talked about it, and then the conversation is just more 891 01:11:10.359 --> 01:11:14.760 about compromising, figuring out what we're gonna do. And we and we've already 892 01:11:14.840 --> 01:11:17.239 let go of the feelings that we may have if we had the conversation in 893 01:11:17.319 --> 01:11:21.600 persons. Interesting And I know that sounds weird, but that's how that's what 894 01:11:21.680 --> 01:11:25.399 works for us, right, I find it. I find it more effective 895 01:11:25.560 --> 01:11:28.760 for us because it's like me seeing, like Peter saying, me seeing his 896 01:11:29.560 --> 01:11:32.119 facial expressions because if he's if he's looking a certain way, it's going to 897 01:11:32.159 --> 01:11:35.319 make me feel like you make me feel like I'm stupid something or or So 898 01:11:35.439 --> 01:11:39.199 I'm just saying that's how I honestly feel and I'm like, I don't like 899 01:11:39.239 --> 01:11:42.680 the way you're looking. So will does is changing the narrative on how we 900 01:11:42.800 --> 01:11:47.279 communicat in that way has allowed us to keep talking to each other without they 901 01:11:47.359 --> 01:11:50.680 can't have a conversation in person. I don't want people think we don't conversation, 902 01:11:50.720 --> 01:11:55.239 we don't commensate in person, but majority of our biggest conversations we talk 903 01:11:55.319 --> 01:11:57.920 on the phone. Well just because I'm always on the road. Yeah, 904 01:11:58.159 --> 01:12:01.960 So it just worked out that way. I think now in our marriage now 905 01:12:02.640 --> 01:12:06.720 we could definitely have a conversation a big conversation in person, right, I 906 01:12:06.760 --> 01:12:10.560 can definitely come in and I won't make face. I won't make I can 907 01:12:10.600 --> 01:12:14.680 definitely come to pro now and be like how I'm feeling about the situation and 908 01:12:14.920 --> 01:12:17.920 be honest, happened five years Yes, So I say, I say, 909 01:12:17.960 --> 01:12:20.439 we're in a better place so we can talk to each other and we're actually 910 01:12:20.560 --> 01:12:26.760 listening. And I think it's important that I'm not on my phone or something 911 01:12:26.840 --> 01:12:30.640 like that or something that distracted me not allowed. Could you please take your 912 01:12:30.680 --> 01:12:32.079 phone? Right? So we didn't have we didn't have arguments about that. 913 01:12:32.159 --> 01:12:33.960 Put your phone. Now, I'm trying to talk to you, blah blah 914 01:12:34.000 --> 01:12:38.119 blah, and I'm doing something else. So you know, it's it's just 915 01:12:38.359 --> 01:12:42.319 learning and experience and you know, trial and error and just seeing you know, 916 01:12:42.399 --> 01:12:45.600 what works for you. I think that today to you in the car 917 01:12:47.760 --> 01:12:53.520 and jumps outside me from this conversation is learning. It's like, you know, 918 01:12:54.600 --> 01:13:00.399 marriages is not static. So where you were then and you pulling together 919 01:13:00.439 --> 01:13:03.319 the pieces, figuring out what works for you and what works for you might 920 01:13:03.399 --> 01:13:06.560 not work for me, or what works for you as a couple might not 921 01:13:06.640 --> 01:13:11.920 work for myself. Angela. You know, so it's learning what works and 922 01:13:12.439 --> 01:13:15.520 building on that. And I know we before. I think it was offline 923 01:13:15.520 --> 01:13:21.520 that we had this conversation, but you said commitment was key. We're talking 924 01:13:21.560 --> 01:13:27.960 about communication. But I like how you link them both together here because you're 925 01:13:28.000 --> 01:13:34.680 saying it's your commitment that made you push through and stick to the marriage, 926 01:13:35.119 --> 01:13:40.840 communicating through working through the marriage, And I like how you sort of married 927 01:13:40.880 --> 01:13:43.600 the two of them. Sorry, you've put the two of them together, 928 01:13:43.720 --> 01:13:47.159 commitment and communicating and on. It's a learning curve and it's a process and 929 01:13:47.239 --> 01:13:51.159 you're still learning. You said that, you know you're still making mistakes, 930 01:13:51.159 --> 01:13:58.079 and we all make mistakes, but it's about getting If it wasn't for my 931 01:13:58.159 --> 01:14:02.319 commitment to God to shoot with him, I don't think my commitment love and 932 01:14:02.359 --> 01:14:06.640 my marriage would be it's where it is today, and I think that's what 933 01:14:08.039 --> 01:14:13.800 allows me to be committed and then learning to communicate at the same time. 934 01:14:14.039 --> 01:14:16.239 Yeah, because you didn't tell him what you did. Like when I was 935 01:14:16.520 --> 01:14:19.279 when I was the meanest to her, my wife would pray over me. 936 01:14:19.479 --> 01:14:21.760 I did while I was sleeping. I didn't even know this. She told 937 01:14:21.760 --> 01:14:28.000 me this later, so she'll like put her hands on me and because I'll 938 01:14:28.039 --> 01:14:30.520 say this, even when we had our worst arguments, we still slept in 939 01:14:30.560 --> 01:14:32.119 the same bed we did. We may not talked, we may not have 940 01:14:32.199 --> 01:14:35.239 been talking to each other, but we never read. The only time we 941 01:14:35.399 --> 01:14:39.319 ever slept the part is if she was visiting her mom, or when I 942 01:14:39.399 --> 01:14:42.039 had my bike accident and I couldn't lay in the bed for like three months 943 01:14:42.600 --> 01:14:45.560 or four or five months, it was a while, right, But otherwise 944 01:14:45.640 --> 01:14:48.960 for that, we've never been separate from each other in that aspect. And 945 01:14:49.359 --> 01:14:51.760 she said she is a prayer over me and put her hands on me and 946 01:14:51.840 --> 01:14:54.800 just pray over me. It's like, I know he's a good man, 947 01:14:54.880 --> 01:14:57.920 he could be better. And I didn't even notice because I'm snowing my butt 948 01:14:57.960 --> 01:15:00.000 off, so I didn't, you know, know this was happening. But 949 01:15:00.319 --> 01:15:05.119 you know, I think having I think Tower's belief and love for the Lord 950 01:15:05.479 --> 01:15:11.840 and knowing that I am a good person. I'm just broken. Is also 951 01:15:12.039 --> 01:15:15.159 a point that in a marriage you need to have somebody that's strong, that 952 01:15:15.479 --> 01:15:19.520 can hold it together, because even if one person is not completely on board, 953 01:15:19.880 --> 01:15:24.119 if you have the other person that's all in, if they you know 954 01:15:24.359 --> 01:15:29.000 it can't it may not always work. But if God, anything works. 955 01:15:29.039 --> 01:15:32.560 So my point is that it will work, you know, And that's how 956 01:15:32.800 --> 01:15:36.239 we ended up with our marriage. I got a quick question for you, 957 01:15:38.119 --> 01:15:44.279 sorry, talk about the baggage. I mean, what what what was baggage 958 01:15:44.319 --> 01:15:47.239 for you? Or what handy baggage for for any relationship? What's that stuff 959 01:15:47.279 --> 01:15:53.399 that you brought into the relationship. I'm a lot of anger because I just 960 01:15:53.640 --> 01:15:58.399 had one thing I'd never do is I'll never talk bad about somebody, So 961 01:15:58.439 --> 01:16:00.920 I'm not going to start now, but I will say this that there was 962 01:16:01.039 --> 01:16:03.520 just things and it was my fault too, because I had some part of 963 01:16:03.600 --> 01:16:06.760 it. I had a lot of part of the two. I guess for 964 01:16:06.840 --> 01:16:14.560 me, it was just I was in a very toxic relationship. Just it's 965 01:16:14.640 --> 01:16:19.079 like the more we got together because I was married for like seven years when 966 01:16:19.079 --> 01:16:25.479 I met Tara, and it seemed like the more we tried, the worst 967 01:16:25.479 --> 01:16:30.479 I got like we were because I was like Tar, I was fighting for 968 01:16:30.560 --> 01:16:32.279 my marriage. I was like, I'm gonna I don't care, I'm gonna 969 01:16:32.279 --> 01:16:35.520 make this work, you know, And I think along the way, it 970 01:16:35.640 --> 01:16:40.279 just broke me. It just kind of it kind of just broke me. 971 01:16:41.199 --> 01:16:45.199 Are you angry? It made me angry because and I wasn't say I was 972 01:16:45.279 --> 01:16:48.560 even angry with God. I was more angry with myself because I was trying. 973 01:16:48.640 --> 01:16:51.960 I was trying to be community, to communicate. I was trying to 974 01:16:53.000 --> 01:16:55.560 be the good husband. I was trying, and it just would not work. 975 01:16:56.399 --> 01:17:03.279 Then I met tar and she was when we first got together, she 976 01:17:03.720 --> 01:17:10.199 was so intent on thinking that I was going to go back or just you 977 01:17:10.239 --> 01:17:13.840 know, just scared of certain things that I was like, no, I'm 978 01:17:13.880 --> 01:17:15.279 not, and like she was, and she was not active listening. She 979 01:17:15.399 --> 01:17:17.840 wasn't listening to me. I was telling her these things in the beginning, 980 01:17:18.399 --> 01:17:21.760 but she wasn't listening. So then I just I just gave up then and 981 01:17:21.880 --> 01:17:26.159 was like, okay, fine, says you're not listening, you know whatever, 982 01:17:26.359 --> 01:17:29.399 I'm just going to be mad all the time. And so I think 983 01:17:29.479 --> 01:17:34.640 I just bought just baggage of just my past experience and just and then even 984 01:17:34.720 --> 01:17:39.199 before that, the marriage before that, and then I think even my upbringing. 985 01:17:40.199 --> 01:17:44.640 I think sometimes if we don't fix our upbringing or we don't address our 986 01:17:44.760 --> 01:17:47.359 upbringing, it can carry into your marriage. No matter what age you was. 987 01:17:47.399 --> 01:17:50.079 You could be forty and get married, but if you have something happened 988 01:17:50.079 --> 01:17:54.640 to your attendant you never addressed. Even at forty, it's still going to 989 01:17:54.680 --> 01:17:58.239 affect you. So you know, there was things that happened to me over 990 01:17:58.319 --> 01:18:03.199 the years that just really like that. It just I was just in a 991 01:18:03.279 --> 01:18:06.399 really bad place. I was just angry all the time. And I don't 992 01:18:06.399 --> 01:18:10.800 even know why. I think he wanted a lot of answers that that couldn't 993 01:18:10.920 --> 01:18:16.520 that that that wasn't answered for you in the sense of you not having your 994 01:18:16.560 --> 01:18:20.880 biological father right, and you know, your biological father didn't raise you. 995 01:18:21.159 --> 01:18:25.199 It was just you and your mother. So I think once we went to 996 01:18:25.279 --> 01:18:28.439 Bermuda and you met with your father for the first time in a long, 997 01:18:28.560 --> 01:18:32.479 long, long time, that's it was a shocked that he actually came and 998 01:18:33.520 --> 01:18:38.119 at dinner. Yeah, I think that. Yeah, I think that whatever 999 01:18:38.600 --> 01:18:41.039 questions you had for him, he answered them. And I think that's what 1000 01:18:41.159 --> 01:18:44.880 you wanted. You wanted it to know why why? Because don't no one 1001 01:18:44.920 --> 01:18:46.640 want to be rejected, And you know, no one want to feel rejected 1002 01:18:46.760 --> 01:18:50.880 or especially rejected from their parents. Nobody wants that somebody. People want to 1003 01:18:50.880 --> 01:18:55.760 feel loved, they want to feel wanted. And I think for you and 1004 01:18:55.880 --> 01:19:00.720 I think that's why through your other marriages, the rejection that you experience as 1005 01:19:00.800 --> 01:19:05.039 a young person, even ongoing just didn't allow you to receive you know what 1006 01:19:05.079 --> 01:19:09.359 I mean. Yeah, But at the same time, I think it made 1007 01:19:09.359 --> 01:19:12.720 me a stronger person because it made me want to help more people. I 1008 01:19:12.720 --> 01:19:15.640 will go out of my way to help strangers, right, I mean like 1009 01:19:15.760 --> 01:19:19.399 literally just help them, like groceries and carry it ten blocks down the street 1010 01:19:19.439 --> 01:19:23.680 for them. And I think twice about it, because it just I just 1011 01:19:23.800 --> 01:19:28.079 wanted to help somebody, right, And I think that what happened to you 1012 01:19:28.279 --> 01:19:32.720 is that having to fail marriages before you were angry about that because it's not 1013 01:19:32.840 --> 01:19:36.680 something you wanted to end. It's just something that had happened, you know. 1014 01:19:38.199 --> 01:19:41.840 You the first one, she was eighteen. Yeah, I was twenty 1015 01:19:42.319 --> 01:19:45.239 twenty, so I knew that that was communication. I knew we didn't communicate, 1016 01:19:45.640 --> 01:19:47.920 and that's why that didn't work. Second one, we communicate it, 1017 01:19:48.039 --> 01:19:53.279 but it just it was stubbornness right on both ends, Yes, on both 1018 01:19:53.359 --> 01:19:55.720 ends. Yeah, yeah, I'm talking about both sides. Yeah, yeah, 1019 01:19:55.920 --> 01:19:58.680 it was stubbornness. Right. So when you when you're dealing with someone 1020 01:19:58.760 --> 01:20:02.680 that has has has di with brokenness in their life, and you get married 1021 01:20:02.760 --> 01:20:05.640 and you don't talk about those things. I think it's important for the person 1022 01:20:05.760 --> 01:20:10.399 to to you share everything with your spouse and whether it's you want them to 1023 01:20:10.439 --> 01:20:13.399 hear it or not, and maybe they can help you through that that hurt 1024 01:20:13.439 --> 01:20:15.960 that you're going through. You know, they probably can't give you an answer, 1025 01:20:16.399 --> 01:20:19.439 but they probably can, you know, help you through the process of 1026 01:20:19.920 --> 01:20:24.239 why you're angry and you know, and all of those things. Yeah. 1027 01:20:26.319 --> 01:20:30.319 Yeah, that was kind of the baggage that I had. I just like, 1028 01:20:30.359 --> 01:20:33.720 when you say baggage, it's just to like say, I mean, 1029 01:20:33.880 --> 01:20:36.880 this is a Christian program, so I can't really say some of the things 1030 01:20:38.359 --> 01:20:41.560 I can really deep deep into, but we may get you know, censored, 1031 01:20:41.600 --> 01:20:45.479 so I'm not gonna do that, so I gotta be mindful of that. 1032 01:20:45.680 --> 01:20:49.000 But yeah, it's just pretty much. Yeah, it was just mental 1033 01:20:49.039 --> 01:20:55.159 baggage, physical baggage, spiritual baggage. I was, you know, I 1034 01:20:55.439 --> 01:20:58.520 was, I was still talking to the Lord, but I don't think I 1035 01:20:58.680 --> 01:21:02.960 was totally connected as I should have been. And do you think things would 1036 01:21:02.960 --> 01:21:06.439 have been very different if you hadn't been open enough to share these things with 1037 01:21:06.560 --> 01:21:10.479 each other? What do you think is sort of what would have been the 1038 01:21:10.560 --> 01:21:14.800 impact if because sometimes you know, people sometimes in relationships, I don't want 1039 01:21:14.800 --> 01:21:17.279 to kind of bring up what's happened before. They may think, actually, 1040 01:21:17.319 --> 01:21:21.119 that's not relevant to my current relationship. I've put all that behind, et 1041 01:21:21.159 --> 01:21:27.840 cetera, et cetera. But you know, maybe in your experience or what 1042 01:21:28.000 --> 01:21:30.760 you would say to anybody else, actually, is it important to kind of 1043 01:21:30.800 --> 01:21:34.760 be open and bring those things in to kind of acknowledge it release, et 1044 01:21:34.800 --> 01:21:39.319 cetera. I would say so because when we came and talk to each other 1045 01:21:39.359 --> 01:21:43.880 about the things he experienced, he was listening. He really wanted to know, 1046 01:21:44.520 --> 01:21:45.840 like, what's going on, Why are you're feeling this way? And 1047 01:21:46.279 --> 01:21:49.279 you know, it's important for a person to have their compassion with you when 1048 01:21:49.279 --> 01:21:53.880 you when you when you're talking about things that you have went through that hurt 1049 01:21:53.920 --> 01:21:57.760 you that you have are suppressed. So because he was willing to sit and 1050 01:21:58.159 --> 01:22:00.560 listen and you know, gave me a hug and I'm crying and he's there 1051 01:22:00.600 --> 01:22:04.319 and he's a getting sentimental as well, it allowed us we had a moment 1052 01:22:04.399 --> 01:22:08.960 of we had a period in that marriage and we talked about those hard things 1053 01:22:09.159 --> 01:22:14.640 vulnerability, vulnerability, and I think getting to know each other still and having 1054 01:22:14.680 --> 01:22:18.640 those vulnerable moments helped us. We didn't realize how much at that time because 1055 01:22:18.680 --> 01:22:21.920 we still have them, but you'd be surprised. You you suppressed things, 1056 01:22:23.000 --> 01:22:26.720 and it's still stuff that I'm thinking, like, wamn it that happened, 1057 01:22:26.880 --> 01:22:30.319 like because sometimes you think maybe it was a dream or maybe somebody else did 1058 01:22:30.359 --> 01:22:32.399 it, And then that happened to me, right. I think when I, 1059 01:22:32.560 --> 01:22:34.439 you know, when you came to me and said talked to someone, 1060 01:22:34.439 --> 01:22:36.560 I went bro I was like, wow, you went through that, Like 1061 01:22:36.640 --> 01:22:40.760 I'm so sorry you went through that, and you know the and vice versa 1062 01:22:40.880 --> 01:22:44.119 what he said to me. And I think when we opened up that box 1063 01:22:44.399 --> 01:22:47.680 and being vulnerable to each other, it allowed us to connect even more and 1064 01:22:47.760 --> 01:22:51.720 to probably even share even more. And sometimes you don't realize what you're doing 1065 01:22:51.760 --> 01:22:56.880 early on in your marriage until later that allowed you to get to where you 1066 01:22:56.960 --> 01:23:00.319 are that you was willing to open up and share those those embarrassing moments or 1067 01:23:00.439 --> 01:23:04.319 that you feel that's embarrassed to your spouse, because some people hold stuff into 1068 01:23:04.680 --> 01:23:09.239 into the grave and don't even say anything and don't even talk about it and 1069 01:23:09.439 --> 01:23:13.479 it really hurts them. As time going on, you know, you think 1070 01:23:13.520 --> 01:23:15.199 there's a do you think there's the right time to do it? Is it? 1071 01:23:15.600 --> 01:23:19.079 Is it? Yeah, it's the time of place. I think we 1072 01:23:19.159 --> 01:23:21.960 were sitting on the couch one day and I was like, we were just 1073 01:23:23.039 --> 01:23:26.199 talking. I don't know if you remember that, remember, oh, but 1074 01:23:26.359 --> 01:23:28.920 we were sitting on the couch. We were sitting on the couch on day 1075 01:23:28.920 --> 01:23:30.319 and I was like, you know what this something that I went through. 1076 01:23:30.520 --> 01:23:33.279 I didn't know how he was going to receive it because you like, oh 1077 01:23:33.359 --> 01:23:35.920 that that was a long time ago. Don't worry about that. Let it 1078 01:23:36.000 --> 01:23:40.439 go. And they don't give you room to speak about things that you have 1079 01:23:40.560 --> 01:23:43.600 experienced, and they just throw it up under the bus. So I think 1080 01:23:43.640 --> 01:23:48.279 it's important for couples to have that or to experience or talk about those things 1081 01:23:48.359 --> 01:23:51.800 that you're afraid to share because you're embarrassed about it. And I think it 1082 01:23:51.960 --> 01:23:56.840 just allows you guys to grow even more together. And God was working then, 1083 01:23:57.119 --> 01:23:59.800 which I didn't realize he was doing, you know, so he was 1084 01:24:00.479 --> 01:24:03.800 that in that aspect aspect of us talking about those vulnerable moments that we shared. 1085 01:24:04.039 --> 01:24:09.600 I'm gonna say something because I just can't help myself go ahead a firm 1086 01:24:09.680 --> 01:24:12.079 belief of this. I think I've said it on the I've said it on 1087 01:24:12.159 --> 01:24:15.560 the show, and I've said on the podcast. But I think our generation 1088 01:24:15.840 --> 01:24:18.399 specifically our generation, and there's no disrespect to nobody, but I just think 1089 01:24:19.399 --> 01:24:25.119 people listening will probably disagree it's gonna be fifty to fifty. I just think 1090 01:24:25.199 --> 01:24:29.439 that we all have gone through something. Can I be general about it? 1091 01:24:29.520 --> 01:24:34.000 Can I just say it we've all been through some kind of abuse in our 1092 01:24:34.079 --> 01:24:39.720 life because I don't know why. In this generation everything was just kind of 1093 01:24:39.840 --> 01:24:44.159 like as kids, things were just kind of you know, there was over 1094 01:24:44.279 --> 01:24:45.319 like oh, you can't go to see uncle, you know, Johnny, 1095 01:24:45.359 --> 01:24:48.640 because you know, like don't don't don't let the kids go see o Johnny 1096 01:24:48.680 --> 01:24:54.560 by themself is I don't want to say I'm just kind of generalizing it, 1097 01:24:54.680 --> 01:24:59.119 but I just think and that and that messes up a lot of people, 1098 01:24:59.800 --> 01:25:04.479 and they're going forward and when they get married and they bring that baggage in 1099 01:25:04.560 --> 01:25:11.520 too, because then it messes up their whole just their whole belief in what 1100 01:25:11.680 --> 01:25:15.640 marriage is and just being with somebody else of the you know, like being 1101 01:25:15.720 --> 01:25:17.840 with my wife or my wife being with me, because now you just have 1102 01:25:17.920 --> 01:25:23.920 a total walpit. You have a different perspective that you don't any no child 1103 01:25:23.960 --> 01:25:27.920 should have. Yeah, you know, and it happens to adults too, 1104 01:25:27.960 --> 01:25:30.600 So I'm not saying just children, but of those two. But I just 1105 01:25:30.720 --> 01:25:32.760 you know, and I don't need to get so deep and dark. I 1106 01:25:32.880 --> 01:25:35.479 just think this needs to be set because it was a personal on my heart. 1107 01:25:35.560 --> 01:25:39.279 I just fegure I have to say it. I just think that we 1108 01:25:39.760 --> 01:25:44.640 as and it's happening now too, like now it's more talked about because social 1109 01:25:44.720 --> 01:25:47.319 media people more like you know, feelings, But back then, we didn't 1110 01:25:47.319 --> 01:25:50.199 talk about our feelings. We didn't. We just suppressed them. We didn't 1111 01:25:50.279 --> 01:25:54.119 say anything. We just we just held it in. Maybe it was my 1112 01:25:54.319 --> 01:25:57.560 fault, It was probably my fault. Maybe I shouldn't have said hi, 1113 01:25:57.920 --> 01:26:00.159 Maybe I shouldn't have went over there by myself, like maybe I shouldn't have 1114 01:26:00.199 --> 01:26:03.439 been around them, like you know, it's our fault. Where you realize 1115 01:26:03.479 --> 01:26:08.039 now that you know it's not your fault, if somebody you know so, 1116 01:26:08.680 --> 01:26:12.880 and it just messes up your brain and you and that brings that baggage that 1117 01:26:13.000 --> 01:26:16.119 you just don't want to that you don't even realize that you have. And 1118 01:26:16.359 --> 01:26:21.359 then when you get married and now you're having to be intimate with your spouse, 1119 01:26:23.159 --> 01:26:27.000 you can be intimate because then all of a sudden stuff is flashing or 1120 01:26:27.319 --> 01:26:30.680 they may do something that reminds you and then you're like why am I this 1121 01:26:30.840 --> 01:26:34.279 way? And then that courses issues in the marriage. So to your points 1122 01:26:34.319 --> 01:26:38.119 on you when you say shoot, you talk and say everything. Yes, 1123 01:26:38.199 --> 01:26:43.159 you should be honest and give and put everything on the table. That's why 1124 01:26:43.159 --> 01:26:45.439 I'm saying, have the counseling. You don't have to do it. You 1125 01:26:45.479 --> 01:26:47.840 don't even have to do it like just you and the person you and the 1126 01:26:47.920 --> 01:26:53.199 spouse. You can do it in counseling as have like mediator that can that 1127 01:26:53.399 --> 01:26:57.119 is that is what's the word mutual? That is no, not just mutual, 1128 01:26:57.199 --> 01:27:00.359 but trained and teaching you how you can work through it because you need 1129 01:27:00.760 --> 01:27:04.640 that somebody like that needs that that push or that way to like, okay, 1130 01:27:05.199 --> 01:27:09.279 this is what you need to do. Please don't do that. You 1131 01:27:09.399 --> 01:27:13.520 know can kind of guide you and lead you like the Lord along a praying 1132 01:27:13.600 --> 01:27:16.000 to God who will lead you on the path. But also sometimes we need 1133 01:27:16.119 --> 01:27:25.640 that professional help they're professionals because they're made to help. So I think that's 1134 01:27:25.680 --> 01:27:28.960 part of that was part of my baggage. I'm not even gonna lie, 1135 01:27:29.000 --> 01:27:30.920 that was part of my baggage. And and that that messed me up for 1136 01:27:31.079 --> 01:27:35.359 years me too, And so I just you know, that messed me up 1137 01:27:35.399 --> 01:27:41.640 for years and made me angry. And then like what Taara said, not 1138 01:27:41.760 --> 01:27:45.079 having a father around for all those years, that that just you know made 1139 01:27:45.119 --> 01:27:46.920 me upset too. I was gonna say another word, but they got to 1140 01:27:46.920 --> 01:27:49.920 stop myself. Not a bad word, but just you know, but anyway, 1141 01:27:51.079 --> 01:27:56.680 Yeah, that just you know messed me up too, so because it 1142 01:27:56.760 --> 01:27:59.399 was just my mother, and bless my mother. I love my mother to 1143 01:27:59.479 --> 01:28:06.720 death, but it was hard raising a boy in a different country by yourself. 1144 01:28:06.880 --> 01:28:11.880 It's not easy. That's why I commit, you know, saying I 1145 01:28:11.960 --> 01:28:15.880 know, I'll just leave it at that. I know, you know it's 1146 01:28:15.920 --> 01:28:19.680 not easy because you know and you actually want this. Actually you're in the 1147 01:28:19.720 --> 01:28:23.479 same boat as me. I was about fourteen when my mother met my father 1148 01:28:23.800 --> 01:28:29.600 and they got married. Yeah, no, he became my father, So 1149 01:28:30.640 --> 01:28:33.600 I do have a father. So yeah, besides the Lord, Yeah, 1150 01:28:33.840 --> 01:28:39.359 this goes to show how you know, marriage is real, real people. 1151 01:28:39.479 --> 01:28:44.640 It's real people trying to make a real life together. You know, it's 1152 01:28:45.239 --> 01:28:49.239 it's not I hate when people make it to romanticize. It is not the 1153 01:28:49.239 --> 01:28:53.680 words. Oh yeah, definitely, yeah, like all like you know, 1154 01:28:54.239 --> 01:28:58.079 we went to the courthouse. Yeah, twenty five dollars. We went to 1155 01:28:58.159 --> 01:29:01.479 the colhouse. Twenty five hours up. There needs to be some romance. 1156 01:29:02.239 --> 01:29:05.399 No. We woke up one morning and Taul came over to the house because 1157 01:29:05.399 --> 01:29:08.439 she would come over before she go to work. She always leave early come 1158 01:29:08.560 --> 01:29:11.359 to my house. And because I was saying make sure when I said we 1159 01:29:11.399 --> 01:29:13.479 woke up, she came up because I want people think we woke up together, 1160 01:29:13.520 --> 01:29:16.640 because we didn't. She walked in and I was just sitting there and 1161 01:29:16.680 --> 01:29:20.119 I was like, I'm when I get married, and she was like yeah, 1162 01:29:21.279 --> 01:29:25.359 And that's pretty much how it happened. And we we put on I 1163 01:29:25.439 --> 01:29:29.399 put on this pink shirt, black pants. She had on a pink dress, 1164 01:29:29.760 --> 01:29:31.199 and we went down to the courthouse. We didn't even have nobody to 1165 01:29:31.279 --> 01:29:34.439 witness. We actually had to use the clerk to be the witness for them. 1166 01:29:34.600 --> 01:29:38.720 The judge paid twenty five dollars, got the money order, and we 1167 01:29:38.840 --> 01:29:41.520 got married. I took her to I took her to work. I went 1168 01:29:41.600 --> 01:29:45.960 home and went to sleep because I had worked that night. And then when 1169 01:29:45.000 --> 01:29:47.560 I picked up from work, we went over to the parents' house and told 1170 01:29:47.600 --> 01:29:51.319 them and no, we stood for good. Yeah, we just that's for 1171 01:29:51.359 --> 01:30:00.439 a minute, about five hours. Yeah we didn't leave it too late. 1172 01:30:00.800 --> 01:30:02.880 But yeah, so then we went and we we told them and then and 1173 01:30:03.039 --> 01:30:06.279 that's how we And like I said, you know, we did it wrong. 1174 01:30:06.399 --> 01:30:09.039 I'm not even gonna lie and say we didn't do it right. We 1175 01:30:09.119 --> 01:30:12.359 did it wrong, But I'm glad we did it that way, if that 1176 01:30:12.479 --> 01:30:18.079 makes sense. If we tried to have a wedding, we went and got 1177 01:30:18.119 --> 01:30:24.199 married. Yeah, I firmly believe that we got married. The forces of 1178 01:30:25.000 --> 01:30:28.479 good and evil was was too strong back then. I'll say it that way. 1179 01:30:30.239 --> 01:30:32.720 You know, it wouldn't have happened, you know. So the way 1180 01:30:32.760 --> 01:30:34.600 we did it was the right It was the right way, but the wrong 1181 01:30:34.640 --> 01:30:42.000 way for us. So as you talk about that, how does communication played 1182 01:30:42.199 --> 01:30:47.159 a really important role then in terms of resolving any conflicts within your relationship. 1183 01:30:47.600 --> 01:30:49.720 And it's interesting that you sort of noted that, you know, the way 1184 01:30:49.760 --> 01:30:55.359 which she got married worked for you because had it been done differently due to 1185 01:30:56.479 --> 01:30:59.840 the good bad again everything between, perhaps it may not have happened in the 1186 01:30:59.840 --> 01:31:04.039 way you would have wanted. So, yeah, how does communication play a 1187 01:31:04.079 --> 01:31:09.800 part in that for you? Conforent resolution, dealing with challenges or difficulties or 1188 01:31:09.840 --> 01:31:14.880 differences, et cetera, et cetera. Well, when we did the podcast, 1189 01:31:14.920 --> 01:31:17.880 when we first started two years ago, yep, your first episode was 1190 01:31:17.920 --> 01:31:23.920 on communication, and over the years we've learned more. I think we communicate 1191 01:31:23.960 --> 01:31:27.520 too much sometimes. Actually, sometimes like that would be like, really, 1192 01:31:27.720 --> 01:31:31.319 you could have held back a little bit. I think, yeah, like 1193 01:31:33.079 --> 01:31:36.039 it's good to be transparent, but sometimes you have to hold back to not 1194 01:31:36.760 --> 01:31:41.359 not to hurt their feelings, right, So you have to be mindful of 1195 01:31:41.439 --> 01:31:43.800 that. You have to be mindful like, Okay, I'm going to communicate 1196 01:31:43.880 --> 01:31:45.720 this, but let me also make sure they understand I'm not blaming them, 1197 01:31:45.720 --> 01:31:49.399 I'm not upset with them. I'm just communicating how I feel. Because sometimes 1198 01:31:49.439 --> 01:31:55.079 you communicate and it could come off like you're doing something other person's doing something 1199 01:31:55.159 --> 01:31:59.640 wrong when they're not. We conflict, we loot, Like I said, 1200 01:31:59.680 --> 01:32:04.239 we can't. Our conflict resolution is we we sometimes have a discussion and if 1201 01:32:04.279 --> 01:32:09.960 we see it's not gunning anywhere, we will stop and then walk away and 1202 01:32:10.079 --> 01:32:13.560 then come back and talk about it later. We had It took us a 1203 01:32:13.600 --> 01:32:15.359 while to get to that point. It didn't just happen overnight. But for 1204 01:32:15.479 --> 01:32:18.680 me, I used to be like I wanted to resolve this is right unless 1205 01:32:18.720 --> 01:32:21.800 you was in the wrong and then and then you would be like, I'm 1206 01:32:21.840 --> 01:32:27.960 done talking about it right So because make it seem like you always want to. 1207 01:32:29.399 --> 01:32:30.840 You had your moments of like you know, and I did too. 1208 01:32:31.000 --> 01:32:34.720 Sometimes I I just wouldn't. I would blank out and not know where I 1209 01:32:34.880 --> 01:32:39.560 was. I just would and didn't unsnapp and then like what just happened? 1210 01:32:39.720 --> 01:32:43.319 I think now we're learning to like it's a time and place to to to 1211 01:32:43.560 --> 01:32:45.680 come and talk to each other, like giving each other space, learning to 1212 01:32:45.760 --> 01:32:50.600 give your spell space when you especially when you're in a period of conflict where 1213 01:32:50.600 --> 01:32:55.720 you just not agree. We're just learning to okay, right now it's just 1214 01:32:55.800 --> 01:32:59.600 not the right time, give yourself time to think about it, give him 1215 01:32:59.640 --> 01:33:01.399 time to think about it, and then we have learned in it now to 1216 01:33:01.479 --> 01:33:05.239 come together then later to say okay, sometimes I just crack a joke and 1217 01:33:05.319 --> 01:33:09.800 it just eases up the whole. Yeah, and then we just start laughing 1218 01:33:09.920 --> 01:33:14.600 and then we actually start talking about it. So it's just varies. Like 1219 01:33:15.000 --> 01:33:20.000 you learn how you and your spouse are going to to do it. It's 1220 01:33:20.079 --> 01:33:25.319 just like in work. It's even like for a single person in work and 1221 01:33:25.479 --> 01:33:29.039 you have a disagreement with your work, your work, your coworker, you 1222 01:33:29.239 --> 01:33:31.880 learn how to kind of, you know, say it a certain way, 1223 01:33:31.960 --> 01:33:34.920 or you may make a joke and then or something may happen and then next 1224 01:33:35.000 --> 01:33:38.239 thing you know, you guys are having a conversation and you can kind of 1225 01:33:38.239 --> 01:33:41.279 squash it and then you go about your business and then everything is good. 1226 01:33:41.720 --> 01:33:45.960 Same thing with the marriage, Like we we just a conflict. We just 1227 01:33:46.039 --> 01:33:49.279 do it in a way that it works for us. And even then sometimes 1228 01:33:49.319 --> 01:33:53.279 it's still we still get in. We still have our arguments, we still 1229 01:33:53.279 --> 01:33:59.600 have our disagreements. But what I have learned now is to be careful what 1230 01:33:59.680 --> 01:34:03.000 I say, because before I used to just say anything because my mind. 1231 01:34:03.319 --> 01:34:06.560 But now I'm like, okay, because now you ever come back and be 1232 01:34:06.680 --> 01:34:12.960 like what does that mean? Right? So, and I think, you 1233 01:34:13.039 --> 01:34:15.920 know, just learning you know, to watch watch what I'm saying. I 1234 01:34:15.960 --> 01:34:18.239 think, really, really think before I say something that I know may hurt 1235 01:34:18.319 --> 01:34:21.359 him, you know in some way, Because before I think I used to 1236 01:34:21.399 --> 01:34:26.600 say things to bring him down something definitely. So I had to learn that 1237 01:34:26.720 --> 01:34:29.600 I can't bring him down if you know I love him, I can't just 1238 01:34:30.039 --> 01:34:31.479 like you ain't a man, or you ain't this, or you ain't that. 1239 01:34:31.920 --> 01:34:34.840 You know, saying things of that he did. I knew there was 1240 01:34:34.920 --> 01:34:39.199 buttons that really, but then as I thought about it, and God was 1241 01:34:39.199 --> 01:34:42.159 speaking to me, like, how do you really think your husband is not 1242 01:34:42.960 --> 01:34:45.840 not a man? It's amazing how if you say those words can make a 1243 01:34:45.920 --> 01:34:50.119 man feel like he's nothing. It did, but to my credit, I 1244 01:34:50.279 --> 01:34:53.359 used to jump back into what did I have to say? Yeah, you 1245 01:34:53.520 --> 01:34:58.439 wasn't saying that last night? Right, I'd like, Yo, whatever you 1246 01:34:58.520 --> 01:35:02.680 say, I'm not a man. But also it always it didn't always affect 1247 01:35:02.720 --> 01:35:08.039 me like most men, because I knew where I think. I got to 1248 01:35:08.079 --> 01:35:10.079 a point where I knew where I was as a man, what I was 1249 01:35:10.159 --> 01:35:13.399 capable of doing and not doing it. But I had to learn that though 1250 01:35:13.439 --> 01:35:15.399 I had to learn I couldn't say that, say those things to you right 1251 01:35:15.640 --> 01:35:19.039 then? You know? That allowed for us to get along the way be 1252 01:35:19.119 --> 01:35:23.079 doing now, you know, so just just respecting you as a husband, 1253 01:35:23.199 --> 01:35:27.399 definitely respecting you as a man, respecting you back. Yeah. So I 1254 01:35:27.479 --> 01:35:29.920 think that's what it was. I think at one point I didn't have respect 1255 01:35:30.000 --> 01:35:34.000 like I needed to, you know. So I think for either one of 1256 01:35:34.079 --> 01:35:38.760 us, yeah, yeah, because we both wanted our own we wanted it 1257 01:35:39.159 --> 01:35:42.399 done it our way, and we wasn't trying to compromise because I think the 1258 01:35:42.439 --> 01:35:45.840 hardest part is if I was trying to make you do something that you just 1259 01:35:45.960 --> 01:35:47.760 wasn't going to do, you know what I mean. So I can't force 1260 01:35:47.840 --> 01:35:50.960 you to be who I think you should be. I should have been praying 1261 01:35:50.960 --> 01:35:54.840 and say, Lord, make him the man you need him to be for 1262 01:35:55.039 --> 01:35:59.079 me, you know what I mean. So I think that's something I really 1263 01:35:59.159 --> 01:36:02.560 had to learn as weeds went throughout her. And that actually goes into nonverbal 1264 01:36:03.000 --> 01:36:09.960 So sometimes I could get tired to do something without even saying anything that she 1265 01:36:10.119 --> 01:36:14.600 only would not do, like if she's on her phone and I think it 1266 01:36:14.680 --> 01:36:17.039 was sitting in a car and I just I made some comment. I didn't 1267 01:36:17.039 --> 01:36:19.479 even say like get off your phone. I was just like, oh, 1268 01:36:19.640 --> 01:36:23.359 you know something about the phone, and she looked at me and she just 1269 01:36:23.479 --> 01:36:25.560 okay. Oh. I was like, oh, I saw add in the 1270 01:36:25.600 --> 01:36:29.159 paper the other day where you know, the person saw the children on the 1271 01:36:29.199 --> 01:36:30.680 phone, so they was like lock. So that Toil was like, okay, 1272 01:36:30.680 --> 01:36:32.880 I put my phone down, and then she was like locking. The 1273 01:36:32.960 --> 01:36:35.279 other child put their phone down, and Tyler looked at her phone. He 1274 01:36:35.319 --> 01:36:38.359 looked at me and said okay, fine, and she just put her phone 1275 01:36:38.399 --> 01:36:42.079 down. So it says like God was saying it to tell her to put 1276 01:36:42.119 --> 01:36:44.479 her phone down, but instead of saying to her, hey, put your 1277 01:36:44.520 --> 01:36:47.720 phone down, I bought it is like as a story where she understood, 1278 01:36:47.760 --> 01:36:49.800 like okay, I need to put my phone down. He don't want me 1279 01:36:49.880 --> 01:36:53.800 on his phone. He wants to talk. Because she's always like why he 1280 01:36:53.880 --> 01:36:55.960 was going to talk in a com like because I want to stay awake, 1281 01:36:56.359 --> 01:37:01.239 you know, I need I need conversations sometimes. Oh it's just about learning 1282 01:37:01.279 --> 01:37:05.159 each other and compromising and then and talking and still like I'm gonna stay on 1283 01:37:05.159 --> 01:37:08.439 my phone anyway. But she understood what I was saying, so she's like, 1284 01:37:08.520 --> 01:37:10.279 okay, you know what, I'm gonna do that, and she put 1285 01:37:10.319 --> 01:37:13.159 her phone down because I'm learning that you know, you're not gonna always tell 1286 01:37:13.199 --> 01:37:16.560 those opportunities to just really just talk, you know, and you know most 1287 01:37:16.600 --> 01:37:18.680 times when you're trying to talk to your husband, like I want to talk 1288 01:37:18.680 --> 01:37:21.000 to like really right now? Or are you watching the game because you don't 1289 01:37:21.000 --> 01:37:28.399 want to watch in football? Yeah, I was like to have a conversation 1290 01:37:28.520 --> 01:37:36.960 if that's possible. Okay, Okay, it's my team, so we have 1291 01:37:38.039 --> 01:37:43.720 a few tative sents, so we're gonna get to its big. This is 1292 01:37:43.760 --> 01:37:46.399 slightly there. I think they're petro. But we're going for a busy break 1293 01:37:46.439 --> 01:37:49.560 and we're gonna come back. And I would have because this is this is 1294 01:37:49.600 --> 01:37:53.960 a good one actually in the sensitive it's one of Lawrence the tri City thingers. 1295 01:37:54.199 --> 01:37:57.439 The best is yet to come, because yes, I'm sure it is, 1296 01:37:57.600 --> 01:38:05.800 so Yes, yes, that's a good song. Make a nooyse Come 1297 01:38:05.840 --> 01:38:14.239 on y'all, make them nooy, make them nose every rock, come out 1298 01:38:14.319 --> 01:38:19.800 this rock, everybody. We'm dona put your hand up here, make anoy 1299 01:38:20.159 --> 01:38:36.760 my midn't hold on my flas, hold on my sister, hold on my 1300 01:38:36.960 --> 01:38:53.479 sister. Just I'm about to play master. Didn't start go gos, make 1301 01:38:53.880 --> 01:39:10.520 pay God all the time. What say dust, you're working. It's yet 1302 01:39:12.279 --> 01:39:29.199 to come. Let me not look can't work, o, sister, just 1303 01:39:31.279 --> 01:40:00.479 last so back. You can't like your works style, dastar, it's yet 1304 01:40:01.039 --> 01:40:19.880 the cop get again? The best is it to gay? Look at the 1305 01:40:19.960 --> 01:40:25.600 body tail taps the day. It's the first day. Okay, case that 1306 01:40:25.800 --> 01:40:36.680 of the mind. Look out they got tel they canna take the game jump 1307 01:40:42.199 --> 01:40:58.760 yet to come set a game. The plant is in right, Oh, 1308 01:40:58.880 --> 01:41:02.720 y'all thank a going out him. Let me see y'all. Let know y'all 1309 01:41:09.560 --> 01:41:19.199 here we go. Come on, think you do y'all got that? Everybody 1310 01:41:19.319 --> 01:41:35.880 think I would say nothing? Who is about town? What? No? 1311 01:41:43.239 --> 01:42:10.359 Oh? I feel like you change what y'all go up stair? What you 1312 01:42:10.439 --> 01:42:31.039 mean it? I didn't feel another kids, ye'll get what you right. 1313 01:42:45.079 --> 01:42:47.560 I want to tell y'all moves out there, that's turning things to a part. 1314 01:42:48.520 --> 01:42:50.880 I know y'all don't have to move out there. Come on, y'all 1315 01:42:50.920 --> 01:43:13.520 to listen up. I know you're not toy. Yes, the best is 1316 01:43:13.680 --> 01:43:17.000 yet to come. And often we were just talking before that piece of music 1317 01:43:17.079 --> 01:43:21.560 there from Donald Lawrence, that how we can deal with how communication plays a 1318 01:43:21.600 --> 01:43:26.960 big part in dealing with our conflicts, resolution, the challenges that we go 1319 01:43:27.159 --> 01:43:30.119 through and hopefully you can make it through. And yes, definitely the best 1320 01:43:30.199 --> 01:43:33.399 is yet to come now, Zenia, you mentioned a bit earlier on that 1321 01:43:33.680 --> 01:43:42.079 you're very early in your married relationship. It's coming up done a year so 1322 01:43:42.279 --> 01:43:47.199 for you. In terms of hearing this then from Tara and Pedro, what's 1323 01:43:47.279 --> 01:43:50.119 been the key things that you have taken away from what they've been sharing. 1324 01:43:54.600 --> 01:43:59.479 I liked the point about annoying triggers. I mean, it sounds obvious, 1325 01:43:59.800 --> 01:44:04.239 but it's about processing that and going into the conversation with that in mind. 1326 01:44:05.199 --> 01:44:10.279 Sometimes you're going in so caught up in what you want to say or the 1327 01:44:10.399 --> 01:44:14.960 point you want to make or how you are feeling that you forget to think 1328 01:44:15.000 --> 01:44:18.199 about the other person and see how something may land, make sure it lands 1329 01:44:18.279 --> 01:44:24.039 well, because obviously, in communication, if the point isn't taken, there's 1330 01:44:24.079 --> 01:44:28.960 no point full stop. So yeah, I like that, And also I 1331 01:44:29.039 --> 01:44:32.640 don't do it enough in terms of getting people to buy into what I'm trying 1332 01:44:32.680 --> 01:44:38.079 to say. So very very early on with Pedro you mentioned it, you 1333 01:44:38.159 --> 01:44:43.720 know and Tara about letting people understand how you feel about a thing, and 1334 01:44:43.840 --> 01:44:45.880 I don't do that very well. So I'll come in and I'll say please 1335 01:44:46.760 --> 01:44:50.600 the example, use please move the cup, and I expect it to be 1336 01:44:50.680 --> 01:44:56.159 moved because I've said please move the cup. But maybe if I said I 1337 01:44:56.239 --> 01:45:00.560 don't like the place untidy I don't like coming home to untidy house. I 1338 01:45:00.600 --> 01:45:03.239 don't like to have to, you know, follow behind people like I'm there 1339 01:45:03.319 --> 01:45:09.640 maid. Maybe if I I sort of made the point as to how it 1340 01:45:09.800 --> 01:45:13.079 makes me feel, what I don't like about it. All that kind of 1341 01:45:13.119 --> 01:45:15.720 stuff helps to build a case so people can come on board with what I've 1342 01:45:15.760 --> 01:45:18.600 apked or what I'm saying, and also get their feedback or Mommy, I 1343 01:45:18.600 --> 01:45:21.359 didn't I didn't mean to leave it, I forgot, or you know, 1344 01:45:21.399 --> 01:45:25.000 it's not that I don't care about you. I don't care about what you've 1345 01:45:25.039 --> 01:45:28.199 said. You know I was rushing, or whatever the case might be. 1346 01:45:28.439 --> 01:45:31.920 That's what communication does, yes, And I think that that, for me 1347 01:45:32.039 --> 01:45:36.079 is what I've taken. And I've gone away from this conversation thinking yet also 1348 01:45:36.159 --> 01:45:41.359 that I'm not alone. Sometimes you're you're in a marriage and you're thinking, 1349 01:45:41.399 --> 01:45:45.039 gosh, it's just me, right, And I was even thinking to myself, 1350 01:45:45.079 --> 01:45:49.039 I need to make more make more dates with married people, maybe do 1351 01:45:49.239 --> 01:45:54.439 things together because it's it's good and refreshing to hear that. Petro. Sometimes 1352 01:45:54.520 --> 01:45:58.079 you do sort of cup into the into the bin because I have the case. 1353 01:46:00.119 --> 01:46:02.479 Tell you I got no patience. I got no patience, Well, 1354 01:46:02.640 --> 01:46:05.319 I got patients. I say once, I say it twice and the third 1355 01:46:05.399 --> 01:46:10.680 time that's it. I'm done. I just know my kids know, oh 1356 01:46:10.800 --> 01:46:14.680 dad, Daddy about to blow. Okay, they're like, okay, Daddy, 1357 01:46:14.960 --> 01:46:18.920 we got you, like they know, but it's like not to get 1358 01:46:19.000 --> 01:46:23.840 up a point. I'm so sorry. But doing that point was yelling to 1359 01:46:23.960 --> 01:46:26.840 the kids. It's different than my yelling. She's bitch. Brought that to 1360 01:46:26.880 --> 01:46:30.159 my attention the other day because I was like, I yelled about something and 1361 01:46:30.239 --> 01:46:32.880 she's like, p Jo, you know they respond different to you, And 1362 01:46:33.000 --> 01:46:35.039 I was what you mean? She was like, when I yell. They 1363 01:46:35.199 --> 01:46:39.520 used to me yelling because I'm loud, but when you yell, your voice 1364 01:46:39.600 --> 01:46:44.319 like viberates the whole house and then it just they they get scared. And 1365 01:46:44.439 --> 01:46:47.800 I was like, oh, I never thought of it like that because you 1366 01:46:47.880 --> 01:46:53.319 know my voice, but told my voice when I get mad, my voice 1367 01:46:53.399 --> 01:46:57.199 just goes really deep and it just boom, and they know, like, 1368 01:46:57.479 --> 01:46:59.640 but it scares them, and I don't want to scare them something like, 1369 01:46:59.680 --> 01:47:03.720 okay, I got to be more forness when I say something now that brings 1370 01:47:03.760 --> 01:47:10.119 us to our point really nicely about how parented has factored into your communication skills, 1371 01:47:10.960 --> 01:47:14.520 whether it's improved it, whether you've changed your approach in your marriage because 1372 01:47:14.560 --> 01:47:17.640 you now have kids and I heard you and what made me ask is because 1373 01:47:17.680 --> 01:47:21.960 I heard you speak earlier about being mindful of what you say around them, 1374 01:47:23.960 --> 01:47:28.159 the conversations. And that's that's a I think a point of debate because a 1375 01:47:28.279 --> 01:47:33.279 lot of a lot of there's two sides to that theory that your your kids 1376 01:47:33.319 --> 01:47:40.079 should see you argue, but argue respectfully and argue, you know, without 1377 01:47:40.119 --> 01:47:45.279 being nasty or hurtful. And then there's there's another theory that your kids should 1378 01:47:45.279 --> 01:47:48.079 always see you kissing and hugging and loving each other, but not hear the 1379 01:47:48.279 --> 01:47:53.159 arguments. So where do you stand on that as well? Actually, wait, 1380 01:47:57.119 --> 01:48:00.000 well, for me, if I'm having an argument with you something, 1381 01:48:00.239 --> 01:48:02.800 if I say something to him that's not nice, the kids would be like, 1382 01:48:02.880 --> 01:48:05.920 Mom, you're really gonna talk to dad that way? I'm like, 1383 01:48:06.760 --> 01:48:10.159 Okay, I'm sorry. They's like, Mama, you gotta be more nicer 1384 01:48:10.199 --> 01:48:13.079 to daddy. So it allows me to then think like, Okay, I 1385 01:48:13.119 --> 01:48:16.079 didn't know I was speaking that way to you, but I apologize to him 1386 01:48:16.119 --> 01:48:19.600 in front of them, and from a long way. Yeah. And then 1387 01:48:19.960 --> 01:48:23.760 because in the beginning of our marriage, they saw the fights, they saw 1388 01:48:23.800 --> 01:48:28.960 the arguments. Are crying, they be crying, they standing at the door. 1389 01:48:29.159 --> 01:48:31.119 They you know, they're i mean balling, crying, screaming, crying, 1390 01:48:31.640 --> 01:48:39.680 and we're just going at it. And even then once day we started 1391 01:48:39.680 --> 01:48:42.119 to get better, they wouldn't cry as much, but you could see the 1392 01:48:42.239 --> 01:48:45.560 fear in their face. You can see in their eyes now, thank God, 1393 01:48:46.119 --> 01:48:48.800 because God has made us better. When we talk to each other, 1394 01:48:49.640 --> 01:48:53.560 like she just said, we havn't a discussion and it starts to get a 1395 01:48:53.600 --> 01:48:57.279 little heated, they don't respond. They just kind of more like, hey, 1396 01:48:57.520 --> 01:49:00.960 hey, like you say that, they say that, you know, 1397 01:49:00.119 --> 01:49:04.159 like why you you know that maybe you think maybe you was wrong in that, 1398 01:49:04.319 --> 01:49:06.640 you know, like maybe you know, maybe you should we think, 1399 01:49:06.760 --> 01:49:11.760 you know, like they're they're kind of like our growing up, yeah, 1400 01:49:11.960 --> 01:49:15.199 growing up there kind of like our second voice, Like you know, besides 1401 01:49:15.359 --> 01:49:17.159 God talking to us. They almost like like the second ways beyond that, 1402 01:49:17.560 --> 01:49:23.000 like you know, like giving us that perspective that we see because we're not 1403 01:49:24.000 --> 01:49:26.319 at the time, we're kind of irritated with each other, so we're not 1404 01:49:26.359 --> 01:49:28.920 trying to hear each other. So then the child comes along, she's like, 1405 01:49:29.119 --> 01:49:30.920 oh, he's like hey, you know, and you're like, okay, 1406 01:49:31.000 --> 01:49:33.520 you know what, You're right, Okay, okay, and it just 1407 01:49:33.720 --> 01:49:39.119 it's just so I would say, now we have a really just a good 1408 01:49:39.600 --> 01:49:44.680 relationship where we let because we let our kids express themselves come to us after 1409 01:49:45.640 --> 01:49:51.079 Yeah, they're coming and say, yeah, okay, so you think it's 1410 01:49:51.159 --> 01:49:55.199 it's okay for them to see that as long as they see you making up 1411 01:49:55.279 --> 01:50:00.319 and apologizing. And so to the resolution we have a really big argument, 1412 01:50:00.439 --> 01:50:03.159 we have a thing that they saw. We will at before worship, we 1413 01:50:03.239 --> 01:50:05.960 will say, hey, you know, let's discuss what happened earlier, and 1414 01:50:06.039 --> 01:50:09.760 we have a discussion and we'll say, you know, mommy was in her 1415 01:50:09.800 --> 01:50:11.960 feelings or Daddy was in his feelings, he didn't like this, or he 1416 01:50:12.039 --> 01:50:14.960 didn't like that, and you know we was wrong for that, and we 1417 01:50:15.520 --> 01:50:17.680 rectified, and now we're going to do this so we're doing, we're doing 1418 01:50:17.960 --> 01:50:23.680 and incorporate. Like I said, iologize, we do. We apologize to 1419 01:50:23.680 --> 01:50:26.760 each other in front of them, and we also all the time we'll kiss 1420 01:50:26.800 --> 01:50:29.039 each other on the lip in the morning and at night before we go to 1421 01:50:29.079 --> 01:50:30.359 bed, on in the morning before we leave work. And they're like, 1422 01:50:32.239 --> 01:50:34.920 right because like I got cold, and we won't we won't do it because 1423 01:50:34.920 --> 01:50:39.199 we have colds or something, but like you know, we're well, like 1424 01:50:39.279 --> 01:50:42.000 you know, I'll give a peck on the lips and then I'll know leaveing 1425 01:50:42.039 --> 01:50:45.239 it like yeah, and I'm like what that's my wife? Like we you 1426 01:50:45.319 --> 01:50:47.000 know, So when I come home, I make sure to give a kiss. 1427 01:50:47.079 --> 01:50:49.279 And most of time the kids are there, so they again they're like 1428 01:50:49.359 --> 01:50:53.640 ill, but you know, so we we show them that there's two sides 1429 01:50:53.680 --> 01:50:57.359 that we can that we can love each other and sometimes we don't like each 1430 01:50:57.359 --> 01:51:01.159 other, but that don't mean that we don't still love each other right well, 1431 01:51:02.720 --> 01:51:05.600 And I think also it leads us nicely into worship, because I believe 1432 01:51:05.640 --> 01:51:09.880 it's one of your podcasts that I heard you say that as well, and 1433 01:51:10.000 --> 01:51:13.520 not that you've mentioned it again, that you do sort of say what the 1434 01:51:13.600 --> 01:51:16.800 resolution is what the compromise is, what sort of agreements you've come to. 1435 01:51:17.560 --> 01:51:21.960 If they've wished witnessed to you disagreeing, and it happens, you know, 1436 01:51:23.039 --> 01:51:26.760 before worship, and you talk about it within worship, so that brings us 1437 01:51:26.840 --> 01:51:30.960 nicely as we close out the hour, I think, Danjiing, we can 1438 01:51:30.039 --> 01:51:36.479 talk now about how communicating with God fact to your marriage. Right. Oh, 1439 01:51:38.119 --> 01:51:44.640 we keep God first and everything we do you worship, worship and everything 1440 01:51:44.680 --> 01:51:47.359 we do. We always thought of God first. God first, and everything 1441 01:51:47.399 --> 01:51:50.079 we do. We tell our kids that we said. We tell our kids 1442 01:51:50.119 --> 01:51:55.239 everything you do should be led by God, nobody else. Don't even not 1443 01:51:55.359 --> 01:51:59.640 by us. Don't listen to us, listen to God. We are we 1444 01:51:59.760 --> 01:52:02.359 are vessel teaching you about God, and you should listen to us in the 1445 01:52:02.439 --> 01:52:05.600 sense of we know because we've been through it before. But if God is 1446 01:52:05.640 --> 01:52:09.479 telling you to do something we want, if you say, God told me 1447 01:52:09.840 --> 01:52:12.920 to do this and it worked and you know that's what you feel, then 1448 01:52:12.960 --> 01:52:16.279 okay, we will accept that because more times than not is what we want 1449 01:52:16.359 --> 01:52:21.239 anyway, because God is talking to us to just telling us them. I 1450 01:52:21.479 --> 01:52:25.840 understand It's always like that for you. You know, at the starting point, 1451 01:52:25.880 --> 01:52:31.560 of your your relationship, your marriage, or was God always the center 1452 01:52:32.039 --> 01:52:38.199 and the pound right at the beginning for me? For t Taler is always 1453 01:52:38.720 --> 01:52:41.600 it's weird. She wasn't even an Adventist, and I don't mean it in 1454 01:52:41.640 --> 01:52:44.600 a bad way. She was Baptist when we first met, but she was 1455 01:52:44.680 --> 01:52:48.279 always probably more in touch of God than I was. I kind of I 1456 01:52:48.399 --> 01:52:51.079 kind of went off and did my own thing for a little while. And 1457 01:52:51.279 --> 01:52:56.520 but Tala always had a strong relationship with God. And I'm not saying it 1458 01:52:56.600 --> 01:53:00.039 was always, but you definitely longer than me. If it was something we 1459 01:53:00.079 --> 01:53:03.640 were supposed to do, she would be like, well, we need to 1460 01:53:03.680 --> 01:53:05.840 talk to God first. We need to figure out God first. Sometimes I 1461 01:53:05.960 --> 01:53:10.000 just want to go do it, and she'll reel me back and be like, 1462 01:53:10.039 --> 01:53:14.680 wait a minute, we need to talk to God first, so get 1463 01:53:14.760 --> 01:53:17.800 me grounded. And when I wanted to do things myself, she would like, 1464 01:53:18.159 --> 01:53:19.760 you know, and that's what you needed in the marriage. You need 1465 01:53:20.079 --> 01:53:23.760 where you both kind of and sometimes if she's going off, I'm like, 1466 01:53:23.760 --> 01:53:25.399 wait, wait, wait, we need to talk to God first. We 1467 01:53:25.439 --> 01:53:28.439 need to figure out We need to discuss this first. We just can't just 1468 01:53:28.520 --> 01:53:33.840 do it on a whim. So it's just helping each other because sometimes both 1469 01:53:33.880 --> 01:53:41.560 people may not be in the same place with God and the other person can 1470 01:53:41.640 --> 01:53:48.199 help bring that person back. Yes, And I think for me, having 1471 01:53:48.239 --> 01:53:53.920 a strong relationship with God also helps me to work on those things for myself 1472 01:53:54.279 --> 01:53:57.399 and with myself. I remember, I can't remember who said it, but 1473 01:53:58.560 --> 01:54:00.600 I may have enjoyed my ads or someone I was listening to and and she 1474 01:54:00.720 --> 01:54:03.640 said, you know what, you you're praying all the time, fix him, 1475 01:54:03.800 --> 01:54:10.159 fix him, But sometimes it's about fix me me. And when I'm 1476 01:54:10.279 --> 01:54:13.960 fixed, then I will draw him along. That's it, you know. 1477 01:54:14.359 --> 01:54:17.920 And when I hear you speak to her, and when Petro speaks about your 1478 01:54:17.960 --> 01:54:23.239 relationship, that's what comes to mind. You're drawing him along because you're letting 1479 01:54:23.279 --> 01:54:28.640 God works through you. And you know those principles like patience and forgiveness and 1480 01:54:28.680 --> 01:54:31.720 all of that. It's God principles, you know, definitely. But if 1481 01:54:31.760 --> 01:54:34.199 we don't have God in us, those things won't come out. Just like 1482 01:54:34.439 --> 01:54:38.640 probably just message me saying, you know, sometimes we hold these grudges and 1483 01:54:39.079 --> 01:54:43.359 these things again and see each other that we don't let go, but we 1484 01:54:43.520 --> 01:54:45.159 have to learn to let them go because God lets them go for us. 1485 01:54:46.119 --> 01:54:56.760 Where will we be if he I know when I forgave Pedro for the things 1486 01:54:56.800 --> 01:55:00.680 that we went through, that was my healing point from them, you know 1487 01:55:00.720 --> 01:55:03.600 what I mean. And when you're able to do that and literally forgive and 1488 01:55:03.680 --> 01:55:08.560 give it to God and move forward, your marriage cans just you'll see it 1489 01:55:08.680 --> 01:55:12.880 grow, You'll see the person changing. But on that same point, guess 1490 01:55:12.920 --> 01:55:15.000 what, I have to forgive myself for doing the same thing. See, 1491 01:55:15.039 --> 01:55:18.760 it was me forgiving myself like you just said, Sanya, she forgave me, 1492 01:55:18.880 --> 01:55:21.520 but I still was mad in myself. So I have to forgive myself 1493 01:55:23.039 --> 01:55:25.399 so then I can grow and then show her that I could be the man 1494 01:55:25.479 --> 01:55:28.720 that she would that she knew I could be, not that she wanted me 1495 01:55:28.800 --> 01:55:30.520 to be, but what I could be. Because then it was I'm going 1496 01:55:30.560 --> 01:55:32.720 to be the man. I'm not gonna be perfect, but I know I 1497 01:55:32.760 --> 01:55:38.960 could be that man. And once we did that, then that's when our 1498 01:55:39.000 --> 01:55:42.239 marriage really started to blossom and and and just and that's why I said about 1499 01:55:42.279 --> 01:55:46.359 five six years ago, because we got to then that's when I really start 1500 01:55:46.439 --> 01:55:56.800 to like go upward and started to heal. That's right, that's right. 1501 01:55:56.840 --> 01:55:58.960 I started to heal because you never know what you're going to go through. 1502 01:55:59.199 --> 01:56:04.840 And we're still here, like, yeah, I'm talking about patience to him, 1503 01:56:04.880 --> 01:56:08.199 but I know he's spacial. Oh gosh, I love him so much 1504 01:56:08.199 --> 01:56:14.359 because he's spacial with me. He's sure. I had to learn that, 1505 01:56:14.479 --> 01:56:15.560 trust me. I had to learn that the hard way. I had to 1506 01:56:15.600 --> 01:56:19.039 learn it, Like I have to just buy my tongue fix my official espression 1507 01:56:19.039 --> 01:56:25.520 because my non verbal stuff, my non verbal stuff was bad. We don't 1508 01:56:25.520 --> 01:56:31.479 know what he's talking about. I just I was, I was like, 1509 01:56:31.840 --> 01:56:36.000 you know, way I find him. You when you can acknowledge your wrong, 1510 01:56:36.119 --> 01:56:39.920 I know the time seven o two. When you can acknowledge your wrong 1511 01:56:40.000 --> 01:56:43.560 in a marriage to a person, then that's when the healing goes. Oh 1512 01:56:43.640 --> 01:56:46.000 yeah, oh yeah. I want to saying that the tails of this, 1513 01:56:46.479 --> 01:56:56.039 I was just letting you know that's okay on the radio after this now it's 1514 01:56:56.319 --> 01:57:00.520 funny, but we all have all come to the end of the show. 1515 01:57:00.680 --> 01:57:03.000 I mean, it's been a great conversation, and Good started to put great 1516 01:57:03.039 --> 01:57:12.119 communications demonstrating just how important communication is with any in any in many contexts, 1517 01:57:12.439 --> 01:57:16.600 with definitely with relationships, with connections with people with each other, whether you're 1518 01:57:16.880 --> 01:57:23.439 you know, it's family, if you're dating, if you're married. You 1519 01:57:23.520 --> 01:57:26.279 know, it's such an important thing. And ultimately, as we've just talked 1520 01:57:26.319 --> 01:57:29.760 about, our communication with God is going to be the found It should be 1521 01:57:29.800 --> 01:57:32.199 the foundation for all of that. You know, whatever we are doing, 1522 01:57:32.319 --> 01:57:36.159 whatever we are going through, you know, we take it to God and 1523 01:57:36.359 --> 01:57:42.720 let him lead, which kind of reminds me of a text actually as us 1524 01:57:42.760 --> 01:57:45.279 looking for that into which now I seem to have lost it, where it 1525 01:57:45.319 --> 01:57:49.399 seems to sum up what I was kind of thinking in terms of how important 1526 01:57:49.399 --> 01:57:53.520 it is in verse Peter three, verse eight to twelve. So finally, 1527 01:57:53.560 --> 01:57:56.399 all of you be like minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be 1528 01:57:56.479 --> 01:58:00.479 compassionate, and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insults. 1529 01:58:00.840 --> 01:58:03.560 On the contrary, we pay evil blessings. Because to this you were 1530 01:58:03.640 --> 01:58:06.880 called, that you may inherit a blessing. For whoever would love life and 1531 01:58:06.920 --> 01:58:11.680 see good days must keep their tongue from evil and their lips from deceitful speech. 1532 01:58:12.079 --> 01:58:14.800 They must turn from evil and do good. They must seek peace and 1533 01:58:14.880 --> 01:58:16.319 pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and 1534 01:58:16.399 --> 01:58:19.159 his ears are attended to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is 1535 01:58:19.159 --> 01:58:25.119 against those who do evil. Our communication can bring life or death potentially. 1536 01:58:28.279 --> 01:58:32.279 Could you give me that verse again. We two Peter three, verse eight 1537 01:58:32.359 --> 01:58:39.079 to twelve, and you know, we want to bring life to people. 1538 01:58:39.279 --> 01:58:43.119 We want to bring life to our relationships, to our marriage, to people 1539 01:58:43.199 --> 01:58:46.039 about Ultimately, we want to showcase and show people and demonstrate the love of 1540 01:58:46.119 --> 01:58:51.600 God, who is bestowed with so much grace and love that we can you 1541 01:58:51.640 --> 01:58:55.800 know, we want to share that with everybody else. So that's kind of 1542 01:58:55.840 --> 01:59:00.439 where my mind was going towards the end of that conversation there. So I 1543 01:59:00.520 --> 01:59:04.000 thank you Pedro and Tara for sharing and being open about your relationship. And 1544 01:59:05.960 --> 01:59:09.159 for the rest of the month, yes we are, so you know we're 1545 01:59:09.199 --> 01:59:13.119 going to be continuing with you know, the conversation look at different aspects of 1546 01:59:14.359 --> 01:59:18.279 relationships, marriage, probably look at love as well. Does love have anything 1547 01:59:18.359 --> 01:59:27.119 to do with all of this? But to close off, Senya, would 1548 01:59:27.159 --> 01:59:31.520 you pray for us? Yay, like it's going to be me. It's 1549 01:59:31.520 --> 01:59:41.079 going to be so book close to pray and pray to close Yes, So 1550 01:59:41.279 --> 01:59:45.840 thank you. Communication is key whichever a way we look at it. And 1551 01:59:45.479 --> 01:59:50.239 so yes, let's take it to the Father right now. Debinly, Father, 1552 01:59:50.399 --> 01:59:56.800 thank you for another wonderful and meaningful conversation this afternoon. We've spoken about 1553 01:59:57.680 --> 02:00:02.439 marriage, which is an institute that's been less than sacritified by you. Let 1554 02:00:02.560 --> 02:00:06.479 us always love and live in that knowledge. Help us to take on board 1555 02:00:06.520 --> 02:00:11.319 what we've learned today. I certainly learned a lot or been reminded of a 1556 02:00:11.399 --> 02:00:16.119 lot as well, about having patience, and about compromise, and about forgiveness, 1557 02:00:16.600 --> 02:00:20.079 and about knowing each other's triggers and knowing the time and the place to 1558 02:00:20.199 --> 02:00:25.880 communicate. And Lord, today our focus was on communication, communicating with each 1559 02:00:25.920 --> 02:00:30.520 other, and most importantly, communicating with You. Help us to keep you 1560 02:00:30.640 --> 02:00:34.000 at the center of our lives. Help us to put to you first, 1561 02:00:34.720 --> 02:00:40.039 that all other things will be added onto us. Bless Pedro and Tower as 1562 02:00:40.079 --> 02:00:45.319 they take this campaign through the month of February. Bless their ministry marriage can 1563 02:00:45.439 --> 02:00:50.479 heal as they seek to edify marriages in our community and in our church. 1564 02:00:51.399 --> 02:00:57.039 Thank you Father for today and what we've learned, And bless our listeners in 1565 02:00:57.159 --> 02:01:01.680 Jesus name. Amen, once again, thank you so much for joining us 1566 02:01:01.720 --> 02:01:06.680 on talking point. Please do by the way is hear my Marriage podcast not 1567 02:01:06.920 --> 02:01:13.039 marriage can heals? Yes, yes, you change it, do it all 1568 02:01:13.079 --> 02:01:16.079 the time? I still say it to you. And where can people hear 1569 02:01:16.159 --> 02:01:21.319 this? Actually, Pedro and when when can people hear? You? Said? 1570 02:01:23.479 --> 02:01:26.039 You can hear? You can listen to Hear My Marriage every Sunday on 1571 02:01:26.119 --> 02:01:29.119 the Vinces Ready on London at four o'clock. If you don't have time to 1572 02:01:29.199 --> 02:01:31.119 reach there, you can go to all our audio platforms, which is Apple 1573 02:01:31.159 --> 02:01:34.720 Podcasts, on Spotify, when YouTube, you can look us up on there. 1574 02:01:34.960 --> 02:01:40.720 Okay, we'll come back because the time of being sick and I was 1575 02:01:40.760 --> 02:01:43.119 six, so we haven't been on for the last couple of weeks, but 1576 02:01:43.239 --> 02:01:45.680 we do plan to come back very soon, Charlotte. But we can catch 1577 02:01:45.760 --> 02:01:53.840 old episodes there episodes. Okay, So thank you so much. It's been 1578 02:01:53.880 --> 02:01:58.760 a great show. I've enjoyed chatting to everybody here today, So enjoy the 1579 02:01:58.800 --> 02:02:02.680 rest of your evening and the next week do you join Tune back into Vege 1580 02:02:02.760 --> 02:02:08.560 Radio London tomorrow for some more live programming and that starts in the morning. 1581 02:02:08.880 --> 02:02:11.279 And as I'm saying that, I can't remember the show is actually on tomorrow 1582 02:02:11.359 --> 02:02:24.159 morning. In the news in the news, the news, Yes, yes 1583 02:02:24.399 --> 02:02:40.039 do tune reflection, reflection, the reflection, hear my marriage. Talk about 1584 02:02:40.039 --> 02:02:45.079 Business too is a business program. Lots advantage Radio London. Do stay with 1585 02:02:45.239 --> 02:02:47.479 us. Thank you for joining us today. So it's good night for myself 1586 02:02:47.560 --> 02:02:55.720 angela good night from good night from Pedro from and I'm going to leave you 1587 02:02:55.960 --> 02:03:03.439 with love Medley because love is a really important part of any relationship and especially 1588 02:03:03.479 --> 02:03:08.399 marriage once so this is God's chosen love Medley. Thank you so much for 1589 02:03:08.479 --> 02:03:10.640 joining us and we'll see you again. Enjoy the rest of the week. 1590 02:03:12.159 --> 02:03:15.279 Adventist Radio London inspiration for the song