Welcome to the Cup Doctor. First Eva very Merry Christmas Special Edition episode.
It is the night before Christmas, and all through the house not a creature
was starting. They were shaking because both time and Cases like their drinks.
Like James Bond. There we go perfect. I can't believe we got Christmas
Eve off. Normally I'd spend this time with family. About the travel restrictions,
I guess spending some quality time with you is the next best day.
I totally agree. Now it's time for the ultimate and Christmas holiday cheer.
A Christmas movie double feature of Home Alone and die Hard. Some guy the
other day I tried to tell me die Hard wasn't a Christmas movie? What'd
you do? I beat the shit out of him and arrested him. I
lied about what he did, and now he's on death row where he should
be, where he should be. Just then, Cases phone ring, Hello,
Yes, this is him? What No way? What's going on?
Case? That's impossible, there's no way. But we have tonight off.
Yes, both of us. Fine, we're on a way. Well,
it looks like we won't be celebrating the holiday with a double feature after all.
Why they need us at the hospitals. No, but right away,
what happened? It's Santa. He's been shot. Santa, the real Santa,
Saint Nicholas himself, and if we don't get there soon, he could
die. Seven Lamb Productions Presents to you, doctors, a very Merry Christmas
Special twenty twenty edition. We're here. Okay, let's get suited up.
They are sure, but just one episode. The cop doctors always like to
watch an episode of EOP of performing in pot and surgery. This really put
them in the rood. That was a good episode. I know. Michael
craign has contributed a lot in the field of entertainment, especially when it comes
to his novels and movies based on his novels, But gosh, darn it,
if Er isn't his absolute best. What about Jurassic Park? A very
close second? Doctors, what's taking so long? You know? We like
to watch an episode of AR before we go to the AR. I know,
but he doesn't have much time. Can I ask a question? Is
it the real Santa? I don't know. He kind of looks like Santa.
Well, a lot of people look like Santa. Go to every mall
in the US in December and you're gonna find a fat man with a white
beard. He says he's Sanna. His ID says it too, but you'll
have to ask him yourself afterwards. We already put him under. Oh my
god, he really does look like Santa, and not in a cheap shopping
mall. Way. I think that's a real beard. I want to give
it a tug. Doctors, we don't have time. There's always time for
a quick talk. We're still talking about the beard, right, I wasn't
regardless, Dime gave the fat man's beard a tug. Oh, it's real.
It's a lot softer than I imagine too. Looks like a Brillo pad,
but it feels like down. Okay, let me give it a tug
the beard. No, the idea of down makes me horny. You can't
masturbate in here. This room is sterile, so am, I don't worry.
You won't get pregnant. She's right case. We need to hurry.
Look at the monitor. We're losing him, all right, let's do this
scalpel. I did not have sexual relations for that woman nature dancing francing Dixon
comment, you bit, Oh he's coming to Santa? Is that you?
Oh? Oh, holy shit, does Senna curse? I don't think there's
any rules against it? Oh? My am I in the hospital. You
sure are? We took a bullet out of you this bag. Your hands
are really far apart. Sorry I was stretching. I meant this big ah
so A normal bullet? Pretty normal? Yeah it hurts you were shot in
your fat, jolly belly. I know. Hang on Christmas Eve too?
How am I to deliver all the presents in time? Now? Are you
the real Santa? Did you see my ID? Yes, it says Santa
Claus north Pole. That's because I'm the real Santa Claus. It's not a
fake ID. You purchased from Spencers. What Spencer's a gag gift mall store?
Do I look like a mall Santa? Feel this beard? It's soft?
I know. Don't say down again? Makes me horny? Gross?
How do you get shot? Oh? People these days what so much news?
Think everyone's out to kill them. You climb down one chimney in the
fucking projects and all of a sudden bang. Not that the country nuts are
much better. It's like everyone forgot the spirit of Christmas. It is twenty
twenty. Oh. I know several parents chase me out of the house because
I wasn't wearing a mask. Can you get COVID look at me? Of
course I can get COVID. I'm old and overweight. Then you really should
wear a mask. Well, most of the time, I'm keeping a six
foot distance. It's the middle of the night. For Christ's sakes, you
know. Now I'm stuck here with no one to over all those presents.
How do you deliver all the presents in one night? A little bit of
magic and a whole lot of scotch. Oh, but there's like a billion
people on the planet. Not everyone believes in me. There are a ton
of countries who don't celebrate Christmas, so I don't have to visit those,
And there are some that do celebrate it, but they're not the best countries,
so I stare at them too. But now now no one gets anything.
Christmas is ruined. Is there anything we can do? We're cop doctors,
let me guess, cops by day, doctors by night. Yeah,
how are you going to help me? You guys know magic? Do you?
I said I did. I'm saying it for Christ's sakes, of course
I do. What's this? Santa pulled out a deck of Gods, Name
a card, any card, jack of spades. Just then Santa threw the
CODs in the air and looked around. There it is your card. What
on the ground, that's your card? That's not magic? Time a word.
Time. I've come to the conclusion either A this guy is Santa,
which could totally be true. I mean, I stopped believing in Santa when
I was eight, but recently I've heard some rumors. Or two he could
be lying to us a possible drug addic who got involved in a shady drug
deal, got shot, and it's possibly still high. Are those the only
two options? Think about it. Remember when that little Irish dude came in
with a bullet wound and said he was a leprechn Yeah, I remember,
But it turned out he was just a meth head who truly believed he knew
where the end of the rainbow was. He gave us directions and everything exactly.
But he was scrawny. This guy can't be on meth. He's fat,
so people on meth are skinny. Maybe he's a new mathead, not
enough time with the drugs, so he's kept the weight. You don't become
a druggie overnight. You got to work up to that ship. He's a
math newbie. Possibly maybe he doesn't have a lot of experience and that's why
he was shot during a drug deal. So how do we find out for
sure? We need to take a blood sample? Good idea like John Carpenter's
the thing. The cup doctors explained to Santa that they needed a blood sample
to make sure the surgery went well and he was healthy, even though they
probably should have done that before the surgery. But oh well, Nurse Betty,
take this to the lab. Let's make sure everything's normal and let us
know if there's any issues. Okay, I get it, I do get
what why you guys don't believe me? Christmas isn't what it used to be.
Yeah, sure people still decorating, buy gifts, but they don't understand
why they do it. They don't understand the true meaning of Christmas. Christmas
is more than just flashy lights and singing carols. It's about love and understanding.
We live in a society now that is so divisive in everything that's presented.
Is there a true war on Christmas? I don't know. I can't
answer that, but what I can say is that people are divided, there's
no unity, and during this time there needs to be understanding, compassion and
love, love for one another, love for the continued growth of the human
population. Humanity needs this. Christmas isn't about tradition as much as the need
for everyone, all people to find their place in life and believe that anything
is possible. I was beautiful in a weird rambling type way, but it
makes sense. We kind of lost sight of the bigger picture, didn't.
We don't fault us, Santa. I guess we became skeptical over the years.
It's okay, it's okay. A lot of people don't believe in me,
but I I think the real reason is because they don't believe in themselves.
Time case, bloodwork's done. He's on math. God damn you son
of a bitch. What Senda can't take drugs? What the fuck shit?
I'm not wearing a mask anymore. Not my fucking fault. So you're not
Santa, No, you dumb ass, fucking druggie. Suck it. The
moral of this story, don't trust people who look like Santa. They may
be on drugs and they may not let you have enough gun either. Coup
ductus cop Doctors, Written and edited by Robert M. Lamb, starring Jack
Austin, Robert M. Lamb co starring Megan Austin, Mark croftus Amber Simpson.
Music provided by Kevin McLeod of incompetech dot com and soundsnap dot Com.
Don't forget to rate and review this podcast on iTunes cop Doctors. This has
been a seven Lamb production