Welcome. This is chayo with you. It is very common that when a
couple argue I ended up talking about divorce, no matter why it is the
argument, no matter why it was the conflict. But end up saying.
And if not, then, we leave it here. And if not,
then this is where we come from. And if not, then that'
s it, and normally it' s not that the relationship doesn' t
go any further. The problem. The vast majority of times is that when
they reach that point, it is because what they have is a great difficulty
to face disagreements and an important communication problem as well. They do not know
how to list arguments in their disagreements that allow them to then find a way
to establish points of rapprochement to know how and in what way to find common
points in the face of differences and more than to have to go and see
how each one, on his side, would have to find out how.
Learn to communicate better. Thinking differently is not a reason for divorce. Whenever
we express ourselves with emotions involved, we have to learn to do so with
respect. It' s one thing to be angry and it' s another
thing to disrespect the expression of our many emotions and that' s been raised
since we' re little and here I' d ask you a question.
Who you talk about the conflicts you have with your partner one of the important
situations beyond who you talk to, because, without a doubt, the essential
condition whenever we talk about conflicts with our partner has to be to a person
of trust. That trusted person, sometimes he' s a relative, sometimes
he' s a friend. The truth is that whenever we are going to
talk about something that we consider personal, the characteristics that that person has to
have, is that he must have maturity and maturity we will understand that he
will have the ability to be discreet that person and that he will have the
ability to distinguish that the conflict that we are talking to him is a conflict
with the person and not a conflict that that that person will appropriate, because
sometimes solidarity with him is confused. We' re getting closer and then it
turns out that I' m talking to you about a conflict with my partner
and you' re also stopping talking to my partner and that' s not
being supportive. The person I tell about my conflict is someone who has to
have the possibility to know how to differentiate what produces what I' m talking
about with the fact that the problem with my partner is mine and has to
be able to keep a certain distance from what I' m telling him in
order to help me vent, see things clearly and even suddenly until I can
question myself as I' m seeing things. It is the only way to
see them and help me gain clarity and not feed my emotions, so that
even that person will benefit from what is happening in the conflict. So always
watch where you deposit what you count. It is common that when one of
our children is crying or sad because some friend has done something to him,
our immediate reaction, is to tell him and no longer take him, no
longer join him or her, or it is not the first time he does
the same to you, no longer listen to him and imagine where we would
end our life or with how many friends we would end our life if all
the time we were breaking relationships every time some friend or friend did something that
we don' t like. The reality is that we would have to teach
our children that there are things that sometimes our friends do that we don'
t like, or that there are defects that our friends have, that are
part of their character, but that they have good things, and that we
would have to learn, namely that there are parts or things that we shouldn
' t do with a certain friend, but that that friend is good for
some situations, but it' s not good for others that suddenly slips with
certain conditions in life and that, therefore, we should tell him that look
at this you don' t use me or when you do this, because
I can fall half wrong. But we don' t have to break relationships
all the time and that we would have to be learning from that, namely
from what characteristics, from which friends we would have to be closer and from
what characteristics of which friends we would have to be further away from, so
that in reality we would fight or distance ourselves completely from some friends it wouldn
' t have to be what most often. It would have to be the
exit door. So notice that you advise so long as you have not suffered
your children, because at the end of the way they can be much more
alone than my wife would actually touch. And we split up thinking that I
was unfaithful. And the truth was never like that. Doctor more, without
however, about three four months ago, I don' t know how six
months we had had an argument at his mom' s house and we lived
there, but it was so much the argument that I got to the point
of running. It wasn' t the first time. It had already been
several times that I had been run. In fact, her mother and she
had run me thinking that, because I was the unfaithful one. I was
the infidel. We had a food business in a college, but this one
like me left the house on that occasion, because I already went to our
real house that my wife and I had bought. Then my idea was to
support her to follow the good news, because I was always a lady doctor
and once she went to supply. He told me I' m going to
fill up and say yes and I stayed in the car. Then it occurred
to me to check a notebook and it was and I was writing a letter
to a person who thanks for his kisses, hugs, et cetera, et
cetera, et cetera, et cetera. And it turns out that this person,
if he walks or walks with her, is the person who had water
of flavor to her or good to us. And when I was there,
then the truth. I don' t know what to do, ma'
am, I don' t know sorry, but I don' t know
what to be? I don' t know what to be? I don
' t know forgiveness. I really want to be with her and start from
scratch, but I don' t know what she thinks to see I'
m drawn to several things here. First you tell me you' re not
with her, because you' re accused of infidelity, and then you tell
me that it' s been a while, in this situation where you stay
in the car, you find yourself a letter where she' s writing that
letter. In the car you find the letter and there you discover that infidelity
that I imagine is son- in- law all this from his posts.
No, and this is what always leads me to tell them that the problem
of infidelity on many occasions is not the infidelity itself, but that of mistrust
generated by relationships, because it begins to see how well it said something that
I found the other day, after a lie. All the other truths are
questioned, and it is that mistrust breaks down interpersonal relations in a very important
way. And I think there' s a lot of questions to ask here.
The first thing I do and you' re going to tell me well,
I' m what it has to do is why, having a house
of your own, you and your wife live in your in- laws'
house and how that gives rise to then when there' s a discussion between
you and your wife, then there' s third parties involved in it.
And it seems like this is already becoming a team theme. You end up
going as a result of something your wife asks of you, but today,
you' re the one who' s questioning yourself whether or not you should
give her a chance when in theory they' re separated, because she'
s the one who thinks you' ve missed the relationship. So it'
s not clear to me whether the bases they are or were together are sure
they' re the same, when the bases they' re separated by today
don' t even seem to be the same. And a couple relationship must
be made clear to both sides that the reasons for both the Union and the
meaning would have to be the same and if the reasons for the separation were
not the same, they would both have to know the reasons for the separation
of the two members of the relationship. So I think you have to sit
down with her and make a clear statement of under what approach she and you
would return and if those approaches match and what do they both want for their
future? It is very common that when it comes to setting rules, but
above all, to apply the rules, the time of application, when it
comes And especially, if we are talking about little children, he, please,
five minutes more wait for me soon. No, and with that tender
little children' s face, because suddenly let' s say what' s
wrong with it, you didn' t see how much it' s so
small, they' d say out there and suddenly it feels even ugly to
establish it. No, because no longer a no is no, and it
must be understood that every rule has variations and that we are not so evil
when we establish a rule. What are the variations of the rule. For
example, if you tell a child that his time to go to sleep is
eight o' clock at night, it' s not true that he'
s going to sleep at eight o' clock on Monday through Sunday. You
actually have to go to sleep at eight o' clock from Sunday night to
Thursday night, because Friday night and Saturday night you won' t go to
sleep at eight o' clock because the next day there are no classes.
Then every rule will contain several that if seven days out of week five he
' ll go to sleep at eight o' clock at night. He'
s really being so strict and so evil by asking him to stick to the
rule for five days and two can have a variant where you can go to
sleep a little later. If you think about it calmly and coldly. The
reality is that the rules are your collaborators in education. Think about it quietly
and you' ll see that you' re not committing any crime against childhood.
Notice that whenever a teenager starts at this stage, something that will inevitably
start sooner rather than later they will do the permits and they will want to
go to many parts. So mom and dad are going to have to start
learning a magic word, because the key is going to be to docify,
nothing more, docifying frequency of permissions to which, if any, but how
often to the same type of permission, how many times, how much time,
how much. Because if from the beginning you start saying a yes to
everything you want and the way you want it, well, your son will
practically use your house as a hotel. And the point is not that the
permits are going to have anything wrong, it' s that what you'
re actually going to have to be dosing is the amount of adrenaline that the
different permissions are generating in your brain. How much constant excitement is your Brain
going to be exposed? So there' s a concept I call a foundation
that' s going to be essential in your teen' s life. So
when you' re going to give your teenager permission to go out and it
turns out that the same day he has another permit that he wants to go,
if not, he has four or five permits from the same day and
turns out he' s going to end up making an extraordinary plan. Eh,
because they manage to divinely arm one after another, after another after another
and find who and then there, like and so on and good. He
' s going to introduce you splendidly. The point is, like what we
want is that, and not because I insist, there' s nothing wrong
with the plans. What we want is that you don' t stay in
a state of absolute adrenaline all the time, because that' s what often
gets you into trouble. We' re going to want you to touch on
what we call base to get you back home and lower your adrenaline state,
the state of excitement enters into a period of boredom, be for a while,
an hour, an hour and a half, two hours at home and
return from scratch to the next plan. That touch base is going to allow
you to observe that it calms down, that it enters restlessness, in peace
and that it restarts, restarts, again heats engines, because otherwise. He
started drinking and started drinking alcohol and started trying drugs. In one place he
' s going to run and he' s not going to stop, and
that can take him from one madness and one frolic to another and in the
way millions of things can happen between them until accidental, not even provoked.
So it' s customary for your child to come home from a plan,
calmly and calmly, and go back to the next plan. You see him
in preference, you even carry him, you pick him up when this is
possible, but if not, at least you saw him leave again in complete
peace. Maybe. He even ate something, took a bath, lowered his
emotions and repositioned himself in a flat place. There are really different things going
on. That, if you run from one place to another in a clumsy
hurried manner and in the midst of the emotions snatched from the kids, you
won' t regret it. I' m chayo busquets until tomorrow. Audio Centre