Comedy Central Podcast. Thank you, thank you, good night. Before I
begin that I would like to know what the public today looks like the latest
steps have been taken by the Government to get out of the crisis, so
that we can get out of it that you found wrong. I think the
last ones have sung to you. They' ve all sung to us,
because I haven' t seen any complaints on the street, no demonstrations for
this last measure that they thought they called it as between the league and the
champion game. There are many days and with many days you have time to
think. And if they think, they' ll get pissed off. If
they get angry, they show up. If they show up, they get
violent. And they get violent, they can bully us. If you fuck
us, they' ll take us off the couch. If you don'
t get off the couch, we stop living at the expense of those taxes.
So you have to live from something and invent something to distract it.
He goes over there and said it was too long and he said why better.
We don' t put it the southern one. You' ve seen
that it' s subsidized. Don' t tell me you don' t.
That' s when I started freaking out about the crisis. I mean,
we' re going down. We spent no time paying fifteen bucks for
a gintonic to drink beer in buckets. Now start really freaking out the day
you get to seal the arrest card and tell you his shots of Jagger maisterng.
That' s where the thing goes down. Okay, the government'
s invention very well, since they can' t offer you an indefinite contract.
They offer you to be an alcoholic. Discontinuated those very cheap fat.
Three euros a bucket very cheap. Very much I' ve seen Chinese buy
beer in the normal Southern drunks is not that how you' re going to
complain drunk, drunk, we don' t complain about anything. So with
the first cube you heat up eh so with the second cube. The only
thing you care about not getting caught eating fuet while you pay in the box
pussy that with the third how you cross with a short latin dressed as a
sailor. You say I sneak into a fucking communion you say I don'
t know what you' re saying is not that I cut it in education
look. I just studied a long time ago. Don' t make me
choose between three euros a bucket of beer and you finish the race. Especially
because we all know that going ten times to the South, you get validated
journalism and if you owe yourself fifteen cubes, you are already ready to present
sports four. I mean, I' m cool, I' m cool
because you' re in the South, all the troubles are over. It
' s like moving you to Germany. You' ve figured it out in
the back, you don' t care. It' s all right.
You don' t care about your country' s problems, except for one
thing that makes you remember that you' re still in Spain, and that
' s because they' ve tied the opener with a chain that' s
like telling you they' re telling you to face take five bottles of glass,
take a table. If you pay enough, you can wear a short
latin dressed as a sailor, but if you want an opener, get yourself
a job. Dude. We' ve been using the openers above our possibilities.
That' s where I' d like to see this invention take it
further and we could. I don' t know how to include it in
the metric system, in the measurement system that we have now, to include
the beer cube as a measure, especially to measure the shit that is in
your life, that I tell you a partner aunt, yesterday I fucked the
ugliest of work, but since it was ugly seven cubes. You love it
because in the Southerns the two weaknesses of my life come together and they will
be until I die the beer and you women. Yes, I am the
weakness of my life, because I believe that you overcome man in many facets,
in many not in all, in many, and I will give a
couple of examples. Besides, you can check it out for yourself. Next
time you' re walking through your various, there are two aunts speaking,
please, come closer. There is pure philosophy there, there are lessons of
life that, perhaps, they are speaking something transcendental of life or death.
They' re haitiam because I' m not going to mess with a lot
of guys in the neighborhood, because if I' m not going to start
getting a bad name, they' re going to talk bad about me and
it' s not a very good plan. That' s what I like
about you guys. Not in plotting hours, if you mess with many or
few not, if of those prejudiced ones, but I like that you evaluate
the consequences and decide accordingly, because there is a guy in this case who
thinks fuck if he was uncle is going to be more slutty. Are we
like this? Yeah, we' re assholes like that? Another example?
Another example. You have a couple, my friend Joya, we have a
son. Ask him for my question the next time you agree with them,
ask them to see what they prefer to be when Nazca says so I,
you don' t care whether it' s a girl boy, you'
re going to want it crazy we prefer a boy why you go for games.
Yeah, well, if you have a kid or beans to throw at
Hostia, you' re going to play it with chota football and that'
s good. Oh, ma' am, that' s good. Hey,
but if you have a little girl, the dumbest one in your whole
gang will be every day of your life. We are yes, you can
laugh because your boyfriend, your father, your brother has also said this when
you were not at all ahead. Because actually, even if I don'
t recognize him now, that' s a happy father, because a happy
father tells me guys. He' s not one who wants a perfect daughter,
who takes out two races and gets an honest and perfect family all her
life. No. No, no, no, no, a father to
be happy. What she wants is a daughter with no vagina, no holes
to penetrate, that comes the day of childbirth the standard and I tell her
you had this beautiful daughter, but she' s born without pussy mother fuck
that turns eighteen the girl and I tell you, dad I' m leaving
now I come I don' t care or I go on vacation with Mario.
I' ll pay you. That' s a happy father, the
problem is the day that comes to you with earache. No, no,
what happened to him. You don' t see it as shit on your
head. I told you hearing pain. The girl could have gone to the
pool, she could have caught cold skiing, but you didn' t all
go to shit, which I thought when I wrote this. So don'
t stop looking at me weird. I' m super riéras that if for
them, we dress has no more a look done, containing it in all
the lights and let' s get out of here a look that I have
seen And every thing why you worry uncle I explain it already, because the
aunts know, all the tricks fell with clothes, everyone knows. I have
learned some I have two sisters aim, guys, to see how it is
girls, that the vertical stripe is not of the gazan and the horizontal ones
make you fat yes, what white color you fatten, no, and black
you thin. Which is what I think is the other way around. No.
It' s not like that, no. No. It' s
clearly the other way around. It' s the other way around. It
' s the other way around because you put a white man and a black
man in balls. It' s clear that the white of the gazah and
the black in Gorda. No. No, no, no, no,
no, don' t laugh that if this were true stripes and colors,
uh there would already be some guypavi side making up with white gifts, with
horizontal stripes, since there' s no one working on that shit. I
' m cool. You have products that are more cool than ours. Guys.
We' ve got some cool guys, but they' re not as
cool as yours. There' s one that really catches my attention. Well,
I' ll be longer. I' m going to ask directly.
Some woman here, some woman present, has anti- rapist spri in her
purse. No, it' s not to keep your face and then I
don' t know how to cross it out. No. No, no,
no, none. It' s something we comedians do. We hear
about a subject, we turn it around and give it our point of view.
No, and don' t think that if a woman has anti-
rapist priya in her purse, that says a lot about her. You'
ll clearly say she' s cautious. I say it' s pretentious.
I mean, I mean. How good you have to believe that you are,
how believed you have to be to be on a Saturday changing you in
the mirror before you go out and saying uy, oy look, oy que
pechitos. I still have a good look at the fa uy the east coming
and the legs of the spinning how my shoes are stuck today is that smoke
this ay I need an anti rapist spl because because yes, no, no,
no, no, no, I don' t want with descent told
me because if you' re ugly, you don' t have anti rapist
sprey in your purse, because we all agree that the seers are criminals and
psychopaths, but they' re guys and a guy is not going to throw
twenty years in jail getting beat up and with his ass like that for having
fucked each other and palm. Okay. There is also the truth that also
exists of spriyantti blador for men is called brummel is. As I don'
t tell you, science is cool. No, it' s not cool
with science. They found out a Spry I threw at you. If they
take away the desire of or, the desire of everything, we could not
ask them one more step and invent a spry to throw it out and you
will enter the desire of o. You' re telling me not to.
How they' d change leisure nights, uh, guys, aunts, how
they' d change Anda, what you' re gonna be here watching monologites.
How is it that how cool you look, for example, you what
your name is, Beatriz, is your boyfriend, no, uh, because
you' re trying. Don' t imagine, Beatriz, that this nice
boy is your boyfriend. And I, after acting out drunk, lost as
most comedians end up, after recording in paramont commediy when I walk out the
door, I approach you without any respect as a woman or by your partner
ahead, Beatriz, I approach and I say amasa atrebtree. We' re
going to Beatrice right now, right now, we' re not going to
you and I' m going down there and I' m going to throw
my parents out and I' m going to be all night practicing brains on
anyone. I' m going to do Beatriz the question and in front of
your boyfriend, it would be very simple, you, you would tell me
that or not. Don' t wait for you in the car See how
the nights would change See how they would change. I' m cool,
I' m cool, I' m telling you, I' d like
to be a woman, a woman, a single woman, no children,
because I hate children. Okay, let' s be clear now and what
I hate most of you, you' re these guys who go around so
quiet saying like I love nothing kids two fucks I used to give you I
love kids these people what if kids are shit people. No. No,
no, but sometimes I' m saying I make us meet a kid.
You can' t talk to him about anything in an argument. His arguments
are not supported anywhere. They can go all day with shit. Stick your
ass with the same face. What kind of people that fuck. I have
friends so I don' t talk to them pussy that if I didn'
t ex if there was hell, For me hell would be a huge pool
of balls, with twenty thousand kids screaming and wheezing while supernani mesodomizes and a
magician entertains them making colorful balloons, while the magician drops a tear thinking it
' s doing that shit like he has to pay his mortgage. And I
hate them, especially because they remind me of the species shit that we humans
are, which I don' t know how we' ve come to dominate
the rest of the species on the planet. I' m telling you,
I have no idea, because grown- ups have stuff, but babies are
the worst shit in the world. Or I say it, not to see
if I say something strange, to see if I have seen any documental of
the two or national gographi and I have seen it yes, that goes out
there, in the middle of African savannah, a fucking nu standing there with
fifty degrees in the shade, I say to you a cool animal, an
elephant and a lion. No. No, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no. He' s like the animal councilman.
Is the baby giving birth there, the baby giving birth? In time
the baby giving birth? And the second, second of birth, uh,
the baby' s already on his feet, ready to fend for himself a
fucking child up to the age of seven. You' ve got to hide
the bleach from him because Asshole goes to babies. No, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, no, no, That' s what we
' re talking about, like, a good nail and a gypsy baby,
the others, the others. Okay. There' s some gypsy oy ay
in Joe. There' s no racist today in joy No one' s
normal They' re usually very shy. They don' t raise their hands.
You don' t think racism is one of the most hateful feelings a
human being can have to hate another person or to be born on the other
side of a line or by another skin color. I couldn' t hate
anyone like that. I couldn' t tell someone something because of the pinna
color. I couldn' t tell a nigger I hate him for his skin
color. I would find it fatal, especially because these people know that they
are superior to us and I could kill myself then if I would allow myself
to hate the gypsies, Yes, because I respect racism when it is out
of envy towards another race, because they are superior to you, because I
would choose the gypsies to hate because they are superior to us. They have
a lot of power, that is to say, the civil guard will stop
you, and the civil guard will be more afraid than you. Is that
power? That' s why you have to stick to visiting hours and they
can mount a flamenco tablao in the waiting room. Is that power? But
speaking of power, there you are You have one of the most powerful weapons
in history, one of the most powerful weapons mankind has ever created, which
is none other than the vagina. Yeah, like you don' t imagine
a very powerful weapon, very powerful, that' s the day you really
set out to use your vagina to dominate the world. I' m laughing
at vagina destruction weapons. I say more, if it goes, no,
no, it' s not that it' s a perfect weapon, so
destructive, so beautiful as well but so destructive. No government will ever be
able to design a weapon with that capacity to create life and fuck it up
at the same time, I would really love to also see it as superior.
I would say a country just because it has more vaginas than mine.
Yes, you have a very powerful weapon and I don' t want feminist
bastards. Okay. I don' t think feminist bastards in other things,
because feminism was invented by men to convince you that everything had to be achieved
through work, intelligence and sacrifice, when we used force throughout history. Take
a look at the guy you have next door right now, all the girls
of it and take a look at the guy you have next door? Please,
look at him, look at him, please, you know him or
not, look at him, imagine the naked right now, yes, do
it, and keep looking at him imagine the naked, start thinking how,
if it wasn' t with force, how we convinced you to be the
ones you are. You' ll have to wax and make- up.
That only allowed one man by force. You have a guerrilla down there Bua,
you have a cheguevara Well, if you do the laser, you have
a very angry Buddha. If Rambo had Gina, they had only recorded the
first one. I tell you, I don' t believe in heaven or
hell. But if there was a sky, for me, the gates of
heaven would be like a huge vagina with two giant snooze lips at the door,
that would open up just so that you could get in while each and
every part of your body is rubbed on you and you' ll end up
dangling with some sort of heavenly flow smelling of wet dirt and that once you
' re inside your quilted ground, you' ll only feel an orgasm every
time you step in and that paradise of pleasure just get to the summun the
time you raise your head and say fuck. If there' s a southern
ja here too. That' s apart. There' s something I can
' t do. The southern one that I told you is because we are
in crisis, but above all the recognized one has personal crisis. I'
m a shit person, especially because I' ve invented one thing now to
help others, which is that when someone needs help to the best in a
very distant country, I' ve thought of going rounding up plugs that you
say fuck and it' s fucked because you say okay I' m helping
him, but it' s with my garbage you know it' s an
idea that I' ve thought of pretty fucked up, because it' s
my crap that you say oysters is that you don' t know how,
how to feel. You' re not roaring trash to help someone else they
call you good, it' s that to help this kid you have to
give him your iPhone. You say listen to the Nokia that I have in
my drawer, they can give him a wheelchair and I' m cool because
because you' ve heard that about the plugs that I' ve put in
fashion I love because now I don' t have to feel good about my
conscience anymore, I don' t have to pay doctors without borders or Greenpeace
to feel good. I just have to go on a boat and be very
attentive when it' s over, you know you say good. I'
m helping, but of course I feel regular is contradictory. I' m
helping out with my crap you don' t know and feeling bad I don
' t know how you kill a dolphin to kiss you say. You don
' t know how to fucking feel about this. And the good news is,
if there' s anyone worse than me, it' s that mad
doctor who doesn' t know which western country, in his madness and abundance
of money, came one day who said no to operate on this kid.
I don' t want money. My fucking mad metapons will be worth a
hundred thousand just plugs He' ll be able to operate the child for less
He' ll count them there in the Kirophane ninety- nine thousand nine hundred
ninety- eight nine thousand nine hundred doctor. You' ve already lost me,
one, two, three, four. I don' t love who
gathers around here. You get a meeting, you put some to help none
of you are supportive of yourself, yes, you are, but how,
how I also worth it, but to see how our commitment to solidarity and
to this child is. You, when you buy the supermarket bottle, you
spend it first and then you give the cap, how I do yes,
not sure, that' s our level of commitment. Oh, yeah.
If we were really engaged to that kid, just buy the bottle, that
is, before we even left the supermarket, we would have already removed it
and donated it. But what the hell that kid' s operation can wait
for,' cause you and I want to drink the coke tail with gas
to do that. So, before we finish, he left again one of
the reflections that my family has governed us for all our lives and that is
to laugh at the problems however dramatic and stupid they are of anything. For
example, we will always have the bright side to everything to see. I
have a cousin who was born with crystal bone disease. You know what it
is. Yeah, well, we prefer to think that my Aunt God has
given a child from Sbaroski and don' t impose that face on me because
your fucking fault is the house full of plugs. It' s been a
pleasure being here. Thank you so much. Thank you.